All language subtitles for Welcome.Home.Nikki.Glaser.S01E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- It's made very good progress.
- Okay.

Sorry, can I interrupt?
Can I get a selfie with you?

Of course.

You want to see up her nose
with her back?

- Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just want her to open wide.

Oh, you're so cute!
Thank you, Nikki.

This is gonna take a picture
of your teeth.

Typically, I would ask if
you have a strong gag reflex,

but I've listened to your
interviews, so I know--

- [laughs]
- I know you're okay with that.

♪ I wanna miss my flight

♪ I feel so all alone
out on the road ♪

♪ Can you welcome me home?

[upbeat music]

♪

All righty.

This has to be tucked in.

But the colors are great.
- No.

- No, the color--
- No.

That makes me--I'm just
never tan enough for that.

Are you out shopping for
anything in particular today?

Or...?
- Yeah.

I have a show tonight,

and just looking for something,
like, fun

and pop star-y

to tell dick jokes in.

- Perfect.
- [chuckling] Yeah.

Is there a dick-joke section?

- [laughs]
- Maybe?

♪

How Nikki was growing up,

I would've never guessed
that she would be a comedian.

I don't know.

I just know her
from just still her

being this little girl
who was kind of like,

"No, don't tell your mom
that I need a tampon."

♪

Ow.
Jesus Christ.

I feel like I'm at a saloon.

Oh, she walked into the saloon.

These are too small.
- Okay.

I'll work a little harder.

I'll just take this in.

Oh, my gosh.
That's so delicious.

I get worried
that other female comics

might talk [bleep] about me
for dressing too flashy,

like trying to get attention.

Puffy pirate.

- Let me see.
- [chuckles]

But that's why
I'm a comedian,

is I want attention.

And that's why
you're a comedian, too, bitch.

♪

Are you feeling nervous at
all about performing tonight?

Like, with
all the St. Louis people or...

It's, um, definitely the
biggest venue I've ever done.

I do not like performing
in St. Louis,

because the things you say
on stage will follow you home.

I don't want people
at the grocery store

knowing what
my vagina looks like.

It's just, like,
so much more stressful

performing at home
than it is on the road,

because you can say
whatever you want on the road.

No, I get it.

I've performed
in front of my mom and dad.

I don't--
I didn't do a certain joke.

I mean, it'll make me
a lot more comfortable

that my dad's not there,
but I mean, for example,

I have a joke about eating ass,
and I don't have to say whose.

Yeah, please, earmuffs.
- [chuckles]

both: Luigi's seen it.
- [laughs]

Dad's got COVID.
[sighs]

And therefore,
my mom might have it,

so they can't go
to the show tonight.

You know,
I'm probably just gonna

wear something from my closet
for the show tonight.

Part of me is like,
"Did you get COVID

just so you didn't have to hear
me talk about eating ass?"

And then
the other part of me is like,

"Oh, now I can talk
about eating ass."

Are you from St. Louis?
- I'm not.

My boyfriend, now husband,
is from Kirkwood, so...

Oh, nice. Same.
I went to Kirkwood High School.

Did he?
- Oh, he did. Yeah.

- What's the last name?
- Stream.

Oh, wait.
Larry Steam?

Oh, yeah.
That's their cousin.

- Really?
- Yeah.

[gasps]
Larry Steam was my first kiss.

- Shut up.
- Yeah!

[laughter]
He gave me mono.

Oh, my God.

He's married, right?

- Yeah. With a kid.
- Okay, yeah.

Of course.

Are they, like, doing well?

- I think so.
- Oh.

Um, well, tell him I said hi.

- I will.
- [chuckles]

You know what I love,
Kerstin?

What?

Sex toys
in literally every drawer.

[chuckles]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[toy buzzing]

This is to, like,
undo the bags under your eyes.

Or to...
- Is this clean?

Put inside your asshole.
Oh, wait.

This isn't clean.

Yeah, no,

I washed all of these before
I put them back in the drawer.

- Okay, okay.
- [mouths words]

♪

Before you go on,
you got to fix this eyelash.

Kerstin,
I will do everything.

- [chuckling]
- Okay.

[car horn honking]
- Oh, my God.

Oh, he's going to the show!
He's going to the show, Nikki.

- Oh! [laughs]
- [gasps]

[squeals]

- Yes! See you there!
- Yeah!

- [chuckling] Yeah!
- Love you!

- [chuckling]
- Whoo!

Yay!

I love my fans
who are obsessive.

How you feel
about Taylor Swift

is how I feel about you.

I'm not even lying to you.
- Oh, my God!

Because I also am obsessive
over celebrities, too.

Like, one time,
I touched Adam Duritz',

lead singer of Counting Crows, dreadlocks.

I touched them like they were
wind chimes,

and he looked at me like--
like, he was mad.

And I didn't
wash my hands afterwards,

and I put masking tape,
and I, like,

put it on a postcard

because I wanted
to capture his dread DNA.

You're from Kirkwood, too,
though, right?

Yes.

But when I met Nikki,
I knew she was from Kirkwood.

How did you guys meet again?

I was on Nikki's
first big TV show.

I liked you, so I was like,

"I need to get this guy
to see me

in, like, a sexual way."

And we had to come up
with an idea for Alison Brie,

and Chris was producing it.

And I was like, "What if
I asked her for an autograph?"

Because my cousin was
a huge fan.

And she goes, "Oh, sure,
I'd love to give him one."

And then I lift up my shirt,

and I go, "If you could
just sign the left one,

that's his favorite."

Because...
- Ah.

I have bigger boobs
than people think I do.

They're, like, sneaky big tits.

[laughing] I remember
you saying that all the time.

I was changing shirts
an hour ago,

and you were like,
"Jesus Chri--"

- Yes.
- Like, you still get shocked.

Yeah, I still--[chuckles]

Yes, I'm still--
totally.

Congrats on having SBTs.

We're here.

Oh, my God,
this place is gigantic.

[indistinct chatter]

- What do you want out of here?
- Suitcase, stool.

Even though I'm about
to perform for 3,000 people

at a sold-out show, like,

I don't like to get
too obsessed with the numbers

and how big the place is.

Okay, I'm gonna get ready.

Because in St. Louis,

I feel like they're all there
to maybe just, like,

"What is this about?

Let's just see what
she's up to."

St. Louis, make some noise
for Nikki Glaser!

[cheers and applause]

♪

Yes, St. Louis!
Thank you!

Oh, my God!
Look at all of you!

Oh, you [bleep] came out.

You guys, thank you so much
for being here.

Seriously.
[cheers and applause]

My immune system
is pretty sturdy.

Like, I eat things
off the floor.

I'm not even, like,
five-second rule.

I'm like five-month rule.
Like, I don't care

I just--I've eaten ass before.
Like, I--

[cheers and applause]

The reason
I'm so honest onstage

and that I talk about things
that are so "inappropriate"

is because I wasn't allowed
to talk about anything

when I was little.

If you would've asked me
five years ago,

"Nikki, will you ever eat ass?"

I would've been like,
"Yeah, I did three years ago."

[laughter]

I was a weird kid, and I said
weird things sometimes.

And I was met
with a lot of, like...

"Jules, did you just hear
what she said?"

I didn't kiss a boy
until I was 17.

I didn't have sex
till I was 21.

I didn't have consensual sex
till I was 24.

And I'd be like,

"But you can see his dick
through the spandex.

"He's an ice skater,
and it's on the Olympics,

and you can see his dick."

Why isn't that
something I can say?

I didn't enjoy sex till I was
never, and, like, I--

It just--I really was very--

I was very scared

'cause I overthought
everything, and I--

You were my
second-grade teacher?

[cheers and applause]

You're still alive?

Can you believe, like,
teachers, like,

listen to people
talk about eating ass?

Like, that's--
you, like, should be--

you should lose your license
for being here.

[applause]

♪

[siren wailing]

[car door closes]

[doorbell rings]

[knocking at door]

Hey, thank you so much
for coming tonight.

It means so much!

Good night!
I hope you had fun!

[cheers and applause]

[knocking at door]

Police.
Open up.

Hey, thank you so much
for coming tonight.

It means so much!
Good night! I hope you had fun!

[cheers and applause]

[knocking at door]
- Police. Open up.

We received a distressing call
about Nicole Glaser.

Okay.

Do you know where she is?

She's onstage performing
right now.

[chuckles]

All right, so it sounds like
this was a prank call.

[upbeat music]

♪

Can't sleep.

How do you even take it off?

I don't think
it has a battery, dude.

This is the first thing
I've ever seen you do handy.

Huh?
[chuckles]

What's going on with you?

Um, I just got up,
and my mom got swatted.

Do you know what that is?
- No.

When someone calls in
a false emergency.

Bottom line is,
my mom was home alone,

and a cop showed up

thinking that I was there
with a bunch of guns...

What?

And drugs and that I was sold
into sex slavery or something.

Like, that's what
they went with?

I'm just glad
they didn't beat down the door.

Anyway, I'm going out
to my parents' house.

Will you come with me
to, like, just talk to them?

Oh, you need muscle?

- No.
- [laughs]

Since moving back
to my hometown of St. Louis,

I have this false sense
of safety

that, until my mom was swatted,

I didn't realize was
completely delusional,

because there's direct flights
to St. Louis on Southwest...

any time of day.

As a comedian, like,

if someone wants to murder you,
it's not hard.

Yeah, you just gotta--

Like, you just go to my show.

You might have
to pay 75 bucks, but--

It's a small price to pay
to kill you.

Yeah.
[sniffles]

And if you get
a meet-and-greet,

it's even easier.
- [laughs]

Maybe that's why
I moved so quickly,

is because I have
to be on alert

like a woodland creature.

I will sprint to my car
in a dark parking lot,

because the second I feel like
someone could get me,

I start running

because I like
to give the illusion

I'm already being chased.

So that if someone was like,
"I want to get her,"

they'd be like,
"Oh, she's taken."

[upbeat music]

Sorry, Mom.
- It's okay.

How was your first swatting?

It was weird.

Your dad is down at the river
being sequestered--

- I know.
- Or not sequestered.

What am I--
- Quarantined.

- Yeah.
- Quarantined.

Because he's got COVID
and I don't.

He's like,
"Somebody's at the front door."

We have a camera on the front
porch, and he can see,

so I go look, and
I can see the cop cars outside.

I open the door, I'm like,
"What is going on?"

They are like,
"Where's Nicole Glaser?"

And I said, "What?"
- [whimpers]

And then they said,
"Apparently she's suicidal,

and she's got
ammunition and drugs,"

and they kept going on and on.
- Only two of those are true.

[laughs]

Yeah, and then the next one
was, like...

- [laughing]
- I don't have guns.

"She's gonna be sold
into sex slavery

by her manager."

Sometimes
it feels like that.

- [whimpers]
- I said, "No.

She's not here,
blah, blah, blah."

And he's like, "Okay.
And who is she?"

And then I said,
"It's Nikki Glaser."

And he goes, "Nikki Glaser?
She's so funny. I love her!"

She's onstage performing
right now.

[both chuckling]

And her road manager
would never, ever...

Sex-traffic her?
[chuckles]

Not a sex trafficker
for sure.

If a call comes
in again where it's like,

"She's suicidal,
she's got guns,"

and all that stuff, you know,

unless it's
two days before my period,

I'm not gonna be suicidal.

[laughs]

And right now
she's at a sold-out show,

so you can just surmise
this is probably a fake call.

Yeah, I'm still
a little affected by this.

Honestly,
it just happened last night.

My parents' address
is out there.

My fans have it.
They send us fan mail there.

"I moved again, so note
the address for your records."

I will note it,
and I'll notify the FBI.

[chuckles]

And I think my mom
is really anxious

about her location being known.

I had a hammer
and a screwdriver

in my bed last night with me,
just in case.

If the killer came over,
you're like,

"Look, I'll repair anything."

[chuckling]
"Just back away"--

Let me go over to your place
and fix some stuff.

Yeah.

Do you know how
to protect yourself?

Not really.

Maybe we should take, like,
a self-defense class.

I've always wanted to do that.
- I'm in.

I need new tricks,

because my usual defense is,
"No, I'm not."

- Stop it.
- [laughing]

[upbeat music]

I never told you this,
I don't think,

but, Chris, when were dating
back in the day,

he wouldn't say, "I love you."

Girls are always waiting
for that.

Like, after you get him
to be your boyfriend,

then it's just a ticktock, waiting,

watching the clock
until he says, "I love you,"

so I was waiting for
"I love you."

I already loved him,
and he wasn't saying it.

One day, he goes,

"I'm enthusiastic
about being with you."

Oh! Oh!
[chuckles]

"I'm enthusiastic
about being with you."

Oh, my God!

♪

- Hey, hey.
- Hi.

Look at you.

This is--
it's working.

I mean, they're out.
[both laugh]

Let me know
if I have any food in my teeth

or a nipple pops out.

[chuckling]
Yeah, I'll let you know both,

immediately.
- [chuckles]

We'll do this to get the menu.

Oh, my God, this place
is so up my alley.

Yeah.
I've been here before.

You've been here before?

Did you go on a date here?
- I did.

Oh, my God.

[quirky music]

I've always felt lucky

that you
don't take any of those things

as, like, taking away from you.

No.
Good luck to those ladies.

[both laugh]

Wait, there's still Brussels
sprouts coming, too, right?

Yeah.

I just thought
I forgot to order.

I wasn't like,
"Where are they?"

- You're good.
- Okay, cool. Thanks.

It's so good right now,
what we are.

♪

Like, isn't it
pretty [bleep] good?

Yeah.

I'm just so scared
it's gonna go back

to the way it was
when it was bad.

You know, the stuff that
happened with us

with the podcast
from, like, seven years ago,

you were saying things
that were not true.

I heard you call me disgusting.

I was like, "Whoa."

It's like
you hated your boyfriend.

But there were things going
on in our relationship

that I was not saying to you
at the time

that I was upset about, and
I was too scared to bring up

'cause I thought you would say,

"Well, then, if you feel
this way, we should break up."

And I just wasn't
willing to do that.

When Chris and I first started
dating nearly eight years ago,

I was so desperate
for him to be my boyfriend

and to love me
that I was just pretending

to be the version of the girl
that I thought he would love.

I was mad at you deep down,

and I know that's hard
for you to hear.

But, like, instead, I would
just wait for it to go away

and just push it down,

and then it would come out
in those ways.

That's my way
of handling the truth,

is doing it into a microphone

when no one
can say anything back

and I have the final say.

That was me not being able
to deal with my own anger.

So now we are still
overcoming the breach of trust

that took place early on
in our relationship

when I was pretty much lying
about who I was.

Based on what
we've been through,

I don't expect you to just go,
"Okay, I trust you."

I have to earn it
from you again.

Well, we've talked
about this, and we both--

we both have, like--

[chuckling]
We have a lot of work to do.

And I like the work.

I mean, this conversation
took a turn that, like,

obviously makes us both uncomfortable,

but the thing is, like,
when we get in these areas now

where I used to go, "Oh, no,"

like, "Just give him what he--
like, just"--

- Just lie.
- Yeah, just lie.

Now, I just go,
"No, you said what you said.

Stand by it."

I really like where we're at.

And I love you.

Aw.
Glase.

I do.

[sighs]

Thanks, Glase.

We've transcended to some
next level of communication

for our relationship,
which I'm--you know,

is a requisite for us to move
any further in our, you know,

whatever we're calling ourselves.

What's next?
"It's complicated"?

And then it's like--
- I don't even--

Then married, I think.
Okay, so that is next.

I think there's a--

It's a steep jump,
but you can handle it.

I think there's
seven different things

in there between.

I can't help but remember

that I said, "I love you,"
and you didn't say it back.

I'm waiting
for the skywriter to come

and write it in the sky.

[laughs]

So I have our
chocolate avocado mousse.

Thank you, Sean.
I love you.

♪

[upbeat music]

Where'd you find
this place, Nikki?

- I just typed it in Google.
- Oh, Jesus.

Look at your badass shirt.
You look intimidating.

- Well, I went on vacation.
- Yeah, I like it.

You got that on the East Coast,
I'm guessing?

What part?
- [chuckles] Good guess.

It doesn't matter.

♪

Hi.

- Hi, I'm Kyle.
- Kyle, nice to meet you.

- This is Trevor.
- Hi, Trevor.

Nikki.
Nice meeting you.

This is my mom, Julie.

As much as my mom
watches murder shows

and sees women being attacked
on TV constantly,

I don't know what she knows
how to protect herself,

because I know I don't.

So let's just talk
a little bit

about kind of like what
you're, like, worried about.

Home invasion,
somebody catching out outside?

Like, what's kind of--

Like, I am a huge celebrity,
and--

No.
[laughter]

I have a little bit of fame,

and things are starting
to get just weird for my family

in terms of, like, people
finding out where we live.

And we had
an incident this week

where I got, like, swatted.

She didn't get swatted.
I got swatted.

- She got swatted, you know?
- Yeah.

So, yeah,
I just want to feel safer.

I think all women
should have some knowledge

of how to protect themselves.

And, you know, I'm becoming
so famous, too, myself.

Just kidding.
[chuckles]

Just kidding.

What would you suggest

if, like, someone
was violating you, like--

should you bite their penis?

[quirky music]

I'll be honest.

I wasn't ready
for that question,

but the idea is, we want
to do anything we can,

biting included,
to make space.

So I promise you
that Trevor or I,

if someone bit us there,
we would give you space.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- At least for a second.

Well, I'm really glad you
guys came and made some time.

And we're happy
to show you some things.

Let's just get started,

because I feel like I'm talking
to you guys too much.

You know, if he holds on,
whack, boom.

And then we're
back into our situation again.

Does that make sense?
- Yes.

Let me see if I can do
a couple scoot things.

First simulate kicking me.

- Okay, I'll push you away.
- Oh, ow.

And then I scoot back.

Scoot, scoot, and then we'll
just stand up the way we did.

Okay.

- So--yes.
- Nice.

You want to plan on, like,
what is the thing

that is just gonna get you away
the quickest.

I usually just
want to whisper,

"Can we talk about us?
Like, what are we?"

[laughter]

Let's start off
in the mount position.

He's obviously the bad guy.

I'm the good guy
in this situation.

So I'm gonna throw my hands
at my hips

as I bridge and look that way.

So right here,
hands to the stomach,

kick, and out.

Immediately, I stop right here.

- Okay, Trev.
- All right, Trevor.

There's something
very intriguing

about being mounted by men

and, like, kind of, like,
lightly strangled by them

and learning techniques
to go like, "No,"

even though you
kind of want it.

Okay.
Fairy princess!

[laughter]
Okay.

It's not like I was
getting aroused

during my jujitsu lesson,

but it's not like
I wasn't not getting aroused.

All right.
Come at me, Nikki.

Hold on.

I don't want
to clean my room!

[both straining]

Sorry.
Oh, I didn't do it.

Being famous,
it has its ups and downs.

Like, a SWAT team shows up
at my house.

Okay.
[both laugh]

All right, hold on.
Two seconds. Let me just think.

You've got a great fanbase.
- Yeah, I do.

- And they really love you.
- Yeah.

Like I do, but too much.
[both laugh]

But I want to watch
"Dawson's Creek"!

No!

It's a bad TV--
[laughter]

Come on.
All the way up, all the way up.

Oh, and then I stand up.

No "Dawson's Creek"!

[laughing]
Yeah.

Good job.

Oh, Nikki.
That wasn't that good.

See?
And I'm already in there.

It's just like sex.

Boys don't do foreplay.
They just go... [grunts]

Do you think it's ridiculous

if I try to have
a different career than comedy?

I've always been interested
in being a singer-songwriter.

I definitely am
a better singer than Bob Dylan.

[imitating Bob Dylan]
♪ He sings like this

[normal voice]
Like, that's not good.

What's going on with Chris?

I want to be married.
Like, I want to be a wife.

Chris and I are doing so great
that maybe I want kids.

Maybe it's just St. Louis,

'cause everyone in St. Louis
has kids.

- [squealing]
- I got him!