All language subtitles for Welcome.Home.Nikki.Glaser.S01E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Nikki Glaser!

Give it up for Nikki Glaser,
everybody.

Nikki Glaser!

I'm on my way
to becoming one of the most

successful female comics
working today.

You're about to laugh at things
that make you feel

like you're gonna go to hell.

Hell, I'm on my way
to becoming one of the most

successful comics
working today,

that happens to have a vagina.

[upbeat music]

In 2020, my career was
at an all-time high.

And then the pandemic hit.

So I did
what any successful comedian

at the pinnacle
of her career would do.

I moved back to my hometown
of St. Louis.

[somber twang]

I never get recognized
in this town.

I'm Nikki Glaser!

You're gonna get canceled
for this.

I don't touch [bleep].
I'm touching mulch.

I'm living
with my podcast cohost,

who's also my opening act
and former dog walker.

I'm feeling nothing sexual
for you.

My penis is in my body.

I'm able to spend time
with my family.

How did you ever survive
this terrible childhood?

- I became a comedian.
- [laughs]

My best friend
from grade school is here.

Are these expensive to get?
both: Yeah.

And my ex-boyfriend
just so happened

to recently move back
to St. Louis too.

Did you go on a date here?
- Yeah.

Why aren't you trying
to set me up, bro?

'Cause you're always saying
that you're

kind of in a relationship.

I just didn't want
to catch feelings.

But I caught them anyway.

If we get back together,
we should just get engaged.

But small town living does not
mean I've stopped hustling.

Nikki Glaser, in studio.

I'm back, baby.

America's favorite
Midwest comic.

It's a niche, but...
- [laughs]

So who knows?

Maybe St. Louis is home now.

[bleep].

That is the weirdest thing
I've ever...

- What?
- Seen in my life.

Sorry, Mom,
I have a boyfriend.

Get used to it.

[upbeat music]

♪ I wanna miss my flight

♪ I feel so all alone
out on the road ♪

♪ Can you welcome me home?

[upbeat music]

♪

Oh, God.

Hi.

What are you wearing?

What the hell?

Nikki, honest to God.

When did you get that?

I've had this
for two years now.

I've had this for,
like, five years now.

Before I moved back
to St. Louis,

I saw my parents
a few times a year.

I would only see my mom
on FaceTime

when my dad would, like, hold
the camera in front of her,

and she'd go, "Oh, God, EJ, get
that away. I look terrible."

- Look how nice this place is.
- Yeah.

I need stuff for my apartment.
Let's go look at housewares.

Being in St. Louis,
I've been able to slow down

and have a lot more me time.

Which means
now I'm seeing my mom a lot.

You guys need help
finding anything?

Oh, I think we're good.

Thank you so much.
- Just let me know.

I'm 37, and it's a lot more

than I think most people
my age see their mom.

Unless they're one
of those people that's like,

"My mom's my best friend,"

but that's not me and my mom.

But it's kind of--
it's turning into that,

and I kind of like it.

They asked, "Do you need
help finding anything?"

What am I gonna say?

"Can you find me
a D.A.R.E. T-shirt from 1998?"

Where do you guys keep those?

Hi, Allen.

How are ya?

Hello.

Wait, who's Allen?

- Allen--
- How often do you come here?

How often do you come here,
to be honest?

Enough that I know
Allen's name.

Just say--how often?

My mom has impeccable style,

but it's--it's all--
it's all on sale, babe.

It's all a deal.
Guess where I got it?

G-Dubs.

What's that? Goodwill.

I'm not judging.
- Once a week.

I don't believe you.

So in terms
of decorating my apartment,

Goodwill.
Goodwill, baby.

Remember these in the '90s?
- Yeah.

[grunts]
I used to use this--

Does it work?
Does it--can you feel it?

Honestly, it ain't bad.

- "NSYNC with you."
- I know Justin is not here.

Yep.
It's JC, Joey, and Chris.

Where's Justin?

In some woman's house,

and she's just feverishly
masturbating to it.

That's kind of cute. I like it.
It's only a dollar.

- Okay.
- I love hearts.

Look at this,
how cute that is.

- That's cute.
- Yeah.

Vagine.

I love that
that creative side of you's

coming out finally.
- Right?

Ooh, look at this ghost child.

That could go above your bed.

Do you have something going
above your bed?

A Taylor Swift poster.

I mean, you don't think
it's kind of juvenile

waking up just to see her
big, cute face?

It's not about her face.
She, like, empowers me.

So it's kind of like one of
those inspirational writings--

Yeah, I wake up in
the morning, and she's standing

above my bed
like this onstage like...

Taylor Swift is my best friend.

And I don't know her.

I want to walk into the day
like this.

Like...

[playful music]

Taylor Swift is
the first person I thought of

when I almost got hit
by a bus one time.

I almost died, and I was like,

I would've missed
the release of "Red."

The rerelease of "Red."
That was my first thought.

- Remember this?
- [gasps]

Skip-It!

Yes. Yes.

Yes.
- ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da

Give me a pogo stick.
- I'm shocked.

Yeah, bitch.

Wait, I have a tear
in my eye from laughing.

Sometimes I do an impression
of you to Dad.

We laugh so hard
because I can really nail it.

- Oh, boy.
- [imitating mother] EJ.

Get that out of there.
- [laughs]

Your junk is all
over the place.

I mean, we're dealing
with messy people.

I know.
We're dealing with him.

- And guess what?
- Guess what?

- [sputtering]
- [imitating sputtering]

both:
There's only so much we can do.

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

Do you wanna go poop?

Answer me.

Luigi, your silence says
a million words.

Yes.

- Hi.
- Hey.

How are you?
Come on in.

So, Glase,
you are gonna be here.

- Okay.
- We like to be next

to each other usually.

Yeah, I'd like to touch you.

[laughs]

Thank you.

- She's back!
- Look at that.

Nikki Glaser, in studio.

I'm back, baby.

You know I'm a huge fan
of the show.

I'm so happy to be here.

You got us through
the pandemic.

I know. I used to call in
every Thursday.

- And we had the...
- So happy to do it.

So fun.
- X factor, your ex.

[laughter]

I would just call in just

'cause I wanted to talk to him.

Where are you guys right now?

We are dating.

Nikki and I are dating.

- Yes.
- We're dating each other.

- You are?
- Chris is my ex-boyfriend

who is originally
from St. Louis,

but I met in New York when he
was working on my show on MTV.

He was a producer on the show.

We're trying to figure out
what the next steps are.

We first started dating
eight years ago,

took a break,
got back together,

were off and on after that.

Then we decided we just wanted
to be friends.

But we both ended up
in St. Louis during COVID.

We've gotten back together
and broken up so many times.

- Yes, many times.
- But we don't want to say yes

to it until we are, like,

more sure than we've ever been
in the past.

There's no one size fits all.
Not everything is gonna work.

And Glase and I are figuring
out what might work for us.

For about, I guess,
two months now,

we've been having some,
like, very Mormon,

like, heavy petting,
uh, you know,

intimacy, but not all the way.

Thanks for being officially
not official with me.

I know.
I'm so happy to announce it.

I'm not giving it up yet.

But we're really, like--
- No, we're good.

- We're having a lot of fun.
- We're good. We're having fun.

We're just starting to--

to see if there's
still something going on.

Yeah.
And it's nice to, like,

not be doing everything
and to leave something

off the table for when we wanna
get to that next level.

Although we are having sex
on tables.

I'm just kidding.

I think we both are really
enjoying living here.

- Yeah, it's great.
- And wanna--

want every reason
to keep us here.

One big reason, Julie Glaser.

- My mom is incredible.
- Honestly, if we ended up,

like, being like, we--
this isn't gonna work,

I'm not into this,
I would take--

- Date my mom.
- I wou--

[laughter]

You guys are weird.

[laughter]

We are.

When COVID hit,
I was just gonna hang out

at my parents' place
for a couple weeks

until this whole thing
blew over.

And then it ended up
being ten months.

- Yeah.
- This was the moment I knew

something was really bad
about me living at home.

One day, I was walking my dog
in my parents' neighborhood,

and I saw a girl my age,
you know, like,

37-year-old woman drive up
to this beautiful house,

and I go, oh, my God,
that girl's [bleep] living

at home with her parents too.

I'm not--
like, that's not that weird.

It was her house.

That's when I knew I had to
move out of my parents' house.

[upbeat music]

♪

Keep going, keep going,
keep going.

Uh, that's gonna fall down.

That leg is weird.

Okay. Yeah.

It still should be over
to the right a little bit,

but I guess you get
what you pay for.

I think it looks pretty good.

It's great, EJ. Jesus.

[car horn honks]
Here she comes.

- [chuckling]
- Hola.

- Hey, superstar.
- Hey.

Check out our house.
Look it.

Is she cleaning
the gutters finally, Mom?

No, she can't even
get up there.

My dad was such a good dad
that he [bleep] me up.

No man has ever loved me
as much as my dad has.

Her hair looks like mine
during COVID.

When a guy loves me a lot,
I go, ew!

You remind me of my dad. Ugh.

I just--you know,

I wish he would have hugged me
a little less.

One or two thousand times less

per year.
[laughs]

I'm not gonna sit
on this couch

because I have
spray-tanned arms.

- Can I sit by you?
- Yeah.

Um, so my lease
is coming up soon.

I, like,
extend it every six months.

- Oh, yeah?
- I feel like I'm really happy

in St. Louis now.

It's easy to say when the
weather is so freaking nice.

Yeah.
So is this a six-month lease,

or you just go by six months?

What--those are
the same question.

The fact that Nikki is living
in St. Louis again,

there's a bunch of cons.

But there's a bunch
of pros too.

She loves to buy dinner
for everybody

from vegan restaurants,
which has been great.

But when Nikki comes over,
it's like,

hide the fact that we had bacon
for breakfast.

Hide the meat.
It's a little game we play.

- We do play that game?
- EJ.

Sounds like a fun game
to play to me.

Can I look around

and maybe borrow some things
for my apartment?

- Maybe.
- I mean, there's just a couple

things I would--I could snag...

- I know, but that's--
- To make my apartment

feel more homey.
- Okay.

Since I graduated college
and have been living on my own,

I have never decorated a space,

because I'm like,
it's always temporary.

Like, I'm always gonna move.

So for me, I'm less likely
to think about moving away

if I'm like, ah, I just
painted that wall though.

- Like what?
- Um, like,

maybe get
my Dave Matthews Band...

- That's, like--
- Thing off the wall.

- Dave Matthews...
- Light switch.

Leave that here.
It'll be here

for the Nikki Glaser
museum someday.

Yeah.
Um, well--

You don't want that,
uh, hornet's nest?

Um, nah, I'm good.

Are these the three wise men
or something?

- No, they're Chinese.
- What are they?

Here's your old skull
from "Macbeth."

Oh, my God.
I had this in "Macbeth."

- Right.
- From your "Macbeth" days.

Maybe she could have this.

There's a lot
of interesting pieces

that my mom has collected
over the years

that my sister and I
are gonna have to fight over

who throws it out first.

Do you have any place
for that stone?

Look how cool it is.

I'm gonna inherit a lot
of interesting artifacts

when I put them
in a dope nursing home

that I'm saving up for.

I like it.
Thanks, Mom.

Wait, put it right,
or it'll fall.

It gets knocked over,
it's gonna kill someone.

Yeah, it'll break
if it gets knocked over.

Do I need to hire a bodyguard
for this thing or, like, what?

- Think you're gonna need one.
- [laughs]

I could take maybe one
of your dead birds.

Like--my birds?

[laughs]

[dog whines]

[midtempo music]

Get up here.
You can do it.

Oh, that's such a good boy.
- Oh, big boy.

How old is Luigi?

Well, I got him in 2016,
and he was either, like,

one or six, so...

[laughs]

I originally met Andrew
as a dog walker.

He was walking a dog
with wheels for legs.

One day I took a picture of it,
put it on my Instagram,

and then people started
tagging him in it,

being like, "That's Andrew
Collin. He's a comedian."

And from then on, we were just,
like, best friends.

He doesn't age.

I got him on, uh,
peptides and DGH,

dog growth hormone.
- [laughs]

[knock on door]
- Mama?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Paint supplies.

- Thank you.
- I know.

I am mother of the year.

- You really are.
- Can I say that?

- Yes. What year, 1987?
- Since 1982.

- You look so cute.
- Thank you, Nikki.

But I don't wanna be cute.

I want to be--
- Hot?

- Hot.
- Well, you look like you're

having hot flashes, so...

My room is not clean.

Don't judge it.
- Don't you have to, like,

move stuff to, like, paint?
- Yes.

Ooh, this is where
the magic happens.

We might as well
move this too.

Okay.

For God's sakes, move that.

- We don't wanna know.
- Dear God.

This is all of my secrets.

- Oh, God.
- Wait.

I forget how you wear it.
- Oh, boy.

I wasn't surprised
that she had these things.

It was the amount.
It was shocking.

She definitely has
a really good collection.

We gotta move
your mattress sometime.

I'm just kidding.
- There's nothing

under there, EJ.

Let's play a game called

"Sex Toy or Thing You'd Find
in a Nursing Home?"

Oh, for God's sakes.

Okay, I'll close my eyes.

Andrew's just gonna touch it?

Oh, uh, this is definitely
for your toes.

It's a bunion cushion.

This is fun.

Uh, breathing apparatus.

Nope. It's a pussy pump.

Oh.
[laughs]

But it's unused.

I'm really seeing a lot more
than I thought I was gonna see.

I'm gonna get
that hazmat suit on.

[dog whines]

- Mom, you look so funny.
- Thank you.

♪ Everybody get your
mother[bleep] roll on ♪

Mom, would you ever use
this color on something?

- Um, no.
- Why not?

Maybe her garage.

I would like to pretend
that I'd care

if she painted the whole place
pink, 'cause I'm a man,

and it's gotta
be a manly place...

- He doesn't care.
- But I don't give a [bleep].

He doesn't pay attention
to, like, décor.

He doesn't, like,
care about that stuff.

If it was up to me,
we'd still have

that old, gray couch
and the TV on the floor--

probably still in the box.

You're very limber.

You look like
you're break dancing.

- Yeah.
- You look like a "jabberwocky."

Mom, you look like--
like you need a Life Alert.

You truly look like
you've either

dislocated your leg
or you're competing

in "America's Next Best
Dance Crew."

[upbeat music]

♪ I know where you wanna poop

Yes.
Okay, I forgot a bag.

Don't get scared.
- Oh, God.

This is my technique.
You smother it in mulch.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Just shut up. Stop it.

You haven't been to the dentist
in ten years.

Don't act like this is gross.

Then I roll it around in it.
- No.

And then I pick it up.

Now it's--
I don't touch [bleep].

I'm touching mulch.

Come on. Let's go.

You're gonna get canceled
for this.

[upbeat music]

♪

And then your thumb goes
through that hole.

Is this too tight?

Usually, I'm asking you that.

That's not a thing
that happens.

I would like to imagine
I rented this out,

but there's just no one here.

This is, like, romantic.

You don't have
to move at all.

Let me just do all the work.

Wow.

[laughs]

Seriously?

Your breathing sounds laborious.

- No, it's fine.
- Oh!

Oh!

Ah.
Are you okay?

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.

I don't have much padding
on my butt.

Aw, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I'm sorry.

- Ugh.
- I thought I could get you

around that rink.

And I failed.

No, it's good.

Sometimes I'm like, does
everybody have this good a time

with Glase, or is it just me?

I mean, a lot of people
have a good time with me.

[laughing]
God.

That's some real recent swiping
going on in here.

- Listen--
- It's all right.

No, I know.
- I'll take the apps

off my phone when we're...

- No, it's fine.
- Together.

So you're cool with me
going on dates and swiping?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

You know, we're not together,

officially.

- No.
- And until we're official,

I think we should both
explore other things.

Yeah.

But I always told you
I would tell you

before I did any dick stuff.

[snorts]

- That's a good rule.
- That is a good rule.

But if I'm
sexually satisfied,

the urge ain't there.

- Okay.
- You know that.

We just have a few things
to sort through.

Yeah.

But that's what we're trying
to do here,

is just get better
at communicating,

'cause that's--that's what
trips us up all the time.

I-I gotta be honest,
I look forward

to being able to say
you're my boyfriend.

In the past, Chris and I
have really struggled

with communication and trust.

And those things
are not worked out yet.

If we can figure out
these issues,

then we'd be great.

I know.

For me to actually
commit to him

and try this again seriously,

we need to have those
things ironed out.

Like, just knowing
the other person can handle it

and won't abandon you.

Don't high five me.
- I just did.

You wanna do one of these?

Teamwork.

[laughing]
Teamwork.

I have to compulsively clean
right now,

'cause I have company
coming over,

and we have to make it
look like we live,

you know, responsibly.

Anybody home?

Don't bark. You know Kerstin.
Yes, we're in here.

- Hi!
- Hey!

- Hi!
- [gasps]

My little baby. First.

God, he's gonna
bite your face.

[growls]

Kerstin and I met
in fourth grade.

You made me laugh
when you fell on the floor

during class one day,
and you were pretending

to be a hamster,
and you were saying...

[baby voice]
"I'm a wittle hamster."

[baby voice]
I'm a wittle hamster.

I peed on the carpet.

Thank you so much
for coming in. I'm so excited.

Of course.
It's so easy to get here.

I feel like college.

Hello.

Hi, Mom.

- Surprise.
- What?

Is it my birthday?

No, but it feels like it.

- What did you do?
- These are for your new room.

I'm uncomfortable
with gifts sometimes,

because you have
to act like you like it,

and I did not like
that talking Macaulay Culkin

when I was, like, nine.

And I had to pretend
I liked it,

and then everyone thought
I had a crush

on Macaulay Culkin,
and I didn't.

I was just being nice
'cause Grandma bought that doll

that talked,
and everyone was like,

ooh, Nikki and Macauley Culkin.

And I was just like, it's not--
I don't like him.

Oh, it looks pretty good.

- Pink! Oh, my God.
- Pretty good.

- Pretty, pretty, pretty good.
- Pretty, pretty good.

- I also have this.
- Oh, yeah.

How cute is that?
- This essential item.

These are all Goodwill buys.

- Here, open your present.
- Open the big guy.

♪ Da, da-da, da-da

I hope it's just
a picture of Julie.

♪ Da-da, da-da

[gasps]

Yes.
- Oh.

- It's Tay-Tay, I love it.
- Oh, my God, Nikki.

- Yes!
- Oh!

Multiples.

Yes!
- Oh!

Oh, I love this one of her.

Yeah, isn't that cute?

Let's hang 'em.

You know, it's so much fun
having you home.

Yeah. I don't get the,
like, you know,

soldier's welcome
when I come home anymore.

- That looks good.
- [burps]

- Ew.
- Sorry.

I used to like really
playing games with you,

Scrabble and stuff, but you
never do that with me anymore.

I'll do that with you.
I can play more games.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Do-do-do-do. Hold on.

I feel like your mom just

likes hammering thi--anything.

My dad did.
That's why I exist.

This is a game
I'm playing right now,

telling you I'm gonna
play a game with you.

And it's gonna
leave you hanging.

You're good. You're winning.

- The games start now, bitch.
- You're winning.

[laughter]

- You look 15.
- I feel 15...

times two, plus five, plus two.

You're good at math.

[laughter]

Next time...

Nikki Glaser!

I do not like performing
in St. Louis.

I didn't have sex
till I was 21.

I didn't have consensual sex
till I was 24.

I don't want people
at the grocery store

knowing what my vagina
looks like.

My mom got SWAT-ed.

But see the cop cars outside?

They're like,
where's Nicole Glaser?

And then they said,

"She's gonna be sold
into sex slavery."

Sometimes it feels like that.

- It's working.
- I mean, they're out.

Let me know
if a nipple pops out.

I love you.