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1
00:00:02,596 --> 00:00:05,972
Do you just get up in the morning
and figure out ways to make me crazy?
2
00:00:06,148 --> 00:00:07,860
Is that what you do?
You plot it out?
3
00:00:08,029 --> 00:00:09,741
How can I make Alan
miserable today?
4
00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:11,705
How can I reach into his chest...
5
00:00:11,916 --> 00:00:14,839
...rip out his heart, and suck it dry?
6
00:00:16,221 --> 00:00:18,931
- Mom or ex-wife?
- Ex-wife.
7
00:00:19,313 --> 00:00:21,643
- Hi, Judith.
- Charlie says hello.
8
00:00:21,821 --> 00:00:24,317
She says hi.
You're evil and selfish, you know that?
9
00:00:25,332 --> 00:00:27,495
No, no. L... I think that is
a helpful comment.
10
00:00:27,672 --> 00:00:31,131
I pay you alimony and child support
so that you can have a nice house...
11
00:00:31,308 --> 00:00:33,983
...a nice car, every weekend free
because I've got Jake.
12
00:00:34,192 --> 00:00:38,032
And yet you're telling me
you need a vacation?
13
00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:41,794
Oh, really? Oh, really? And what exactly
is stressing you out, Judith?
14
00:00:41,966 --> 00:00:44,676
Is it the weekly manicure?
The housekeeper?
15
00:00:44,849 --> 00:00:46,811
- Boob lift.
- The boob lift.
16
00:00:47,023 --> 00:00:48,984
- That you paid for.
- That I paid for.
17
00:00:49,196 --> 00:00:51,906
- And never got to see.
- And never got to see.
18
00:00:53,459 --> 00:00:55,122
No, no, no. You listen to me.
19
00:00:55,298 --> 00:00:57,341
I think you live a damn fine lifestyle...
20
00:00:57,513 --> 00:00:59,806
...that I work 60 hours a week
to support.
21
00:00:59,979 --> 00:01:04,151
So if anybody needs a vacation,
it's not you. It's me!
22
00:01:04,743 --> 00:01:06,704
All right, then.
23
00:01:07,543 --> 00:01:09,207
Goodbye.
24
00:01:11,555 --> 00:01:14,266
Judith's going to Hawaii for a week.
25
00:01:16,362 --> 00:01:17,740
So Jake's staying here.
26
00:01:18,201 --> 00:01:20,197
I'm shocked.
27
00:01:29,569 --> 00:01:32,065
Come on, Jake.
It's time to get up for school.
28
00:01:32,243 --> 00:01:33,657
I can't go to school.
29
00:01:33,831 --> 00:01:35,745
- I'm sick.
- What's wrong?
30
00:01:36,256 --> 00:01:39,013
I think I have acid reflex disease.
31
00:01:39,223 --> 00:01:43,098
Really? Acid reflex disease?
32
00:01:43,946 --> 00:01:45,741
Where does it hurt?
33
00:01:47,205 --> 00:01:48,917
My head?
34
00:01:49,713 --> 00:01:51,793
- Nice try.
- My throat?
35
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:53,425
Get up.
36
00:01:55,146 --> 00:01:56,560
All right, all right.
37
00:01:56,734 --> 00:01:59,861
I just want you to know,
I'm starting my day really stressed out.
38
00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:03,204
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like me
to send you to Hawaii?
39
00:02:03,421 --> 00:02:05,465
That would be nice.
40
00:02:09,565 --> 00:02:12,322
What's taking you so long?
41
00:02:12,867 --> 00:02:15,790
- I can't find my other shoe.
- So put on a different pair.
42
00:02:15,959 --> 00:02:17,338
But this one's on already.
43
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,683
Hey, what are you doing up so late?
44
00:02:23,148 --> 00:02:24,943
It's 7 a.m.
45
00:02:26,324 --> 00:02:29,367
- What am I doing up so early?
- Where have you been?
46
00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:33,424
Searching the kingdom
for the woman who fits this shoe.
47
00:02:34,014 --> 00:02:35,642
Hey, that's mine. Where was it?
48
00:02:35,937 --> 00:02:37,102
In the driveway.
49
00:02:37,985 --> 00:02:39,862
Oh, yeah!
50
00:02:40,242 --> 00:02:41,573
Okay, let's go.
51
00:02:41,746 --> 00:02:43,493
- Got my lunch?
- Lunch?
52
00:02:43,710 --> 00:02:47,086
- You're supposed to make me lunch.
- Oh, crap.
53
00:02:47,973 --> 00:02:50,552
This isn't helping my stress level.
54
00:02:52,027 --> 00:02:54,524
I forget. Why are you here
in the middle of the week?
55
00:02:54,744 --> 00:02:57,835
- Because my mom's on vacation.
- From what?
56
00:02:58,255 --> 00:02:59,668
Me.
57
00:03:03,479 --> 00:03:06,521
A word of advice: Don't date women
who live near the airport.
58
00:03:06,990 --> 00:03:09,568
It's impossible to sleep in.
59
00:03:10,208 --> 00:03:12,620
I'll try to remember that.
60
00:03:12,841 --> 00:03:15,883
Wish I knew her well enough
to bring her back here.
61
00:03:16,059 --> 00:03:18,352
Well, maybe next time.
62
00:03:18,525 --> 00:03:20,236
Next time?
63
00:03:20,781 --> 00:03:23,622
- My lunch ready?
- It's right here. What are you doing?
64
00:03:23,791 --> 00:03:26,251
- That was for Jake.
- I don't see his name on it.
65
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,896
Okay, fine. You'Il...
You'll have half a sandwich...
66
00:03:35,075 --> 00:03:39,247
...and a banana,
and maybe an orange, and...
67
00:03:39,421 --> 00:03:42,048
...what the hell, an artichoke.
68
00:03:43,559 --> 00:03:44,592
An artichoke?
69
00:03:45,983 --> 00:03:48,229
Maybe you can trade it
for something good.
70
00:03:48,992 --> 00:03:51,286
With who? One of the slow kids?
71
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:53,912
Give it a shot. Tell him it's a puppy.
72
00:03:55,178 --> 00:03:56,925
Come on, let's go.
73
00:03:57,894 --> 00:04:01,686
I forgot. I have to write five insightful
questions I'd ask George Washington.
74
00:04:01,906 --> 00:04:04,153
What? Last night
you said you had no homework.
75
00:04:04,539 --> 00:04:07,000
Dad, I just said I forgot.
76
00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:14,022
- Okay, fine. You'll do it in the car.
- I was planning on doing math in the car.
77
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:17,697
President Washington.
78
00:04:17,872 --> 00:04:19,702
Question number one:
79
00:04:19,878 --> 00:04:23,800
"Have you ever thought of coming
back from the dead as a zombie?"
80
00:04:25,436 --> 00:04:28,146
Jake, I don't think that's
what your teacher had in mind.
81
00:04:28,780 --> 00:04:30,360
Do you wanna do it?
82
00:04:30,995 --> 00:04:32,408
No, no. You're doing fine.
83
00:04:33,168 --> 00:04:35,129
Question two:
84
00:04:35,299 --> 00:04:38,592
"Can you eat human flesh
with wooden teeth?"
85
00:04:40,273 --> 00:04:42,603
Hi, Lorraine. I'm running a little late.
86
00:04:42,781 --> 00:04:46,953
Could you move my 9:30 to 10,
my 10 to 10:30...
87
00:04:47,127 --> 00:04:49,802
...and, well,
you see where this is going.
88
00:04:50,888 --> 00:04:52,516
You don't?
89
00:04:53,521 --> 00:04:55,851
Hang on, I've got somebody
on the other line.
90
00:04:56,489 --> 00:04:57,951
Hello.
91
00:04:58,119 --> 00:05:02,457
Oh, hi, Mom. Look, I can't talk
right now. I'm driving Jake to school.
92
00:05:02,674 --> 00:05:05,253
Well, Judith's in Hawaii.
93
00:05:05,809 --> 00:05:08,602
No, that does not make me
a doormat.
94
00:05:09,737 --> 00:05:12,780
Patsy is just another word
for doormat, Mom.
95
00:05:13,164 --> 00:05:16,338
L... Lo... I gotta go. I'll call you later.
96
00:05:18,096 --> 00:05:19,510
Hi, Lorraine. I'm back.
97
00:05:19,726 --> 00:05:21,723
No, no, don't put me on hold.
98
00:05:22,234 --> 00:05:23,647
Question three:
99
00:05:24,031 --> 00:05:27,407
"Do you think the Revolutionary War
would have been won sooner...
100
00:05:27,583 --> 00:05:30,460
...if you had an army of the undead?"
101
00:05:32,975 --> 00:05:35,471
This is actually pretty easy.
102
00:05:36,235 --> 00:05:39,111
Lorraine, this is Dr. Harper.
103
00:05:39,912 --> 00:05:43,039
Listen, I'm... I'm gonna be there
in about 40 minutes.
104
00:05:43,465 --> 00:05:45,842
What do you mean,
you're going home?
105
00:05:46,056 --> 00:05:49,646
Oh, come on.
You were premenstrual two weeks ago.
106
00:05:50,319 --> 00:05:52,363
Yes, I keep track.
107
00:05:53,077 --> 00:05:54,705
Question number four:
108
00:05:54,875 --> 00:05:59,130
"What's your opinion of the new,
faster-walking zombies?"
109
00:05:59,514 --> 00:06:01,225
No, no, no. Lor... Lorraine.
110
00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:03,141
Don't cry. Please don't cry.
111
00:06:09,168 --> 00:06:11,580
Charlie, I'm going home.
112
00:06:31,945 --> 00:06:35,654
How many times
have I asked you not to do that?
113
00:06:36,083 --> 00:06:39,423
- I'm going home.
- I suppose you want me to pay you.
114
00:06:39,636 --> 00:06:42,726
Not necessary.
I took the money out of your wallet.
115
00:06:44,358 --> 00:06:47,734
- Fine.
- Guess what? I got a raise.
116
00:06:48,955 --> 00:06:50,583
Congratulations.
117
00:06:50,794 --> 00:06:55,846
- You wanna know why I got a raise?
- No, I'm sure I had my reasons.
118
00:06:57,189 --> 00:07:01,064
Because when I took this job,
all I had to do was clean up after you.
119
00:07:01,285 --> 00:07:04,208
And while that may
have been disgusting, it was doable.
120
00:07:05,297 --> 00:07:10,134
And then your brother moved in, which
I accepted with my usual good humor...
121
00:07:10,312 --> 00:07:14,615
...because he cleans up after himself
like a neurotic raccoon.
122
00:07:15,829 --> 00:07:17,492
This is about the kid, right?
123
00:07:17,709 --> 00:07:20,800
Good for you.
That's why you're the boss.
124
00:07:22,014 --> 00:07:25,140
He's just here for a week.
It's a temporary situation.
125
00:07:25,358 --> 00:07:28,068
And yet my raise is permanent.
126
00:07:29,036 --> 00:07:30,497
Sounds fair.
127
00:07:30,958 --> 00:07:33,002
God, what a horrible day.
128
00:07:33,466 --> 00:07:35,677
- Tell me about it.
- Show of hands:
129
00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:38,684
Who spent their day
pre-soaking the shorts of a kid...
130
00:07:38,899 --> 00:07:41,859
...who leaves more skid marks
than a getaway car?
131
00:07:43,622 --> 00:07:45,202
That's what I thought.
132
00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:47,837
Now, if you ladies will excuse me...
133
00:07:48,553 --> 00:07:52,012
...I have three buses to catch.
134
00:07:55,533 --> 00:07:58,076
I bet she catches them by hand.
135
00:07:59,294 --> 00:08:01,505
Yeah, well, I have my own problems.
136
00:08:01,676 --> 00:08:04,553
I was late for work,
my receptionist went home early...
137
00:08:04,727 --> 00:08:08,780
...because, apparently, she has
the reproductive cycle of a jackrabbit...
138
00:08:09,241 --> 00:08:12,831
...and then I had a large,
drunk Samoan man walk in...
139
00:08:13,002 --> 00:08:17,472
...who thought that chiropractor means
"massage with happy ending."
140
00:08:19,021 --> 00:08:23,074
I kept trying to crack his back and
he kept rolling over and winking at me.
141
00:08:24,078 --> 00:08:26,324
- Wow, that's creepy.
- Tell me about it.
142
00:08:26,753 --> 00:08:28,833
So you're gonna see him again?
143
00:08:29,553 --> 00:08:33,428
Or should I say,
are you gonna see him Samoa?
144
00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:37,613
Oh, come on. That was funny.
145
00:08:37,786 --> 00:08:40,033
Oh, yeah. It's hilarious.
146
00:08:40,795 --> 00:08:42,792
You know what your problem is?
147
00:08:42,969 --> 00:08:46,559
- You don't drink enough.
- You're probably right.
148
00:08:46,730 --> 00:08:51,116
This is the first time today I've had a
chance to just sit down and decompress.
149
00:08:53,292 --> 00:08:55,704
- Cheers?
- Oh, cheers.
150
00:08:57,053 --> 00:08:58,467
Oh, that's good.
151
00:08:58,641 --> 00:09:01,482
I keep having this nagging feeling
that I forgot something.
152
00:09:01,692 --> 00:09:05,115
- Lf you forgot it, it wasn't important.
- Yeah, I guess.
153
00:09:19,914 --> 00:09:22,410
I can't believe you forgot me.
154
00:09:22,631 --> 00:09:24,961
I said I'm sorry.
155
00:09:25,138 --> 00:09:26,552
You forgot me.
156
00:09:26,726 --> 00:09:28,973
I know. I feel terrible.
157
00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:31,563
How many kids you got?
158
00:09:32,995 --> 00:09:35,574
- There's a towel on the floor, buddy.
- I'm okay.
159
00:09:36,088 --> 00:09:40,344
I want you to sit on it so you don't leave
a wet ass-print on my leather seats.
160
00:09:40,686 --> 00:09:42,064
You forgot me too.
161
00:09:42,274 --> 00:09:43,902
Yeah, but I'm just your uncle.
162
00:09:44,071 --> 00:09:45,484
He's your father.
163
00:09:45,701 --> 00:09:47,246
Yeah, my own father.
164
00:09:47,623 --> 00:09:48,954
Thanks, Charlie.
165
00:09:49,128 --> 00:09:51,041
Is there any way
I can make it up to you?
166
00:09:51,218 --> 00:09:54,260
- You wanna go out for a special dinner?
- No.
167
00:09:54,436 --> 00:09:56,016
- How about a movie?
- Why?
168
00:09:56,191 --> 00:09:57,772
You're gonna leave me there too?
169
00:09:59,117 --> 00:10:02,207
For the last time, I am sorry.
170
00:10:02,418 --> 00:10:04,379
Won't be the last time.
171
00:10:04,842 --> 00:10:07,005
I just wanna go home.
I'm cold and I'm wet.
172
00:10:07,224 --> 00:10:11,730
If you kick the back of my seat again,
you're gonna be colder and wetter.
173
00:10:12,825 --> 00:10:14,620
Ease up on him.
He's had a rough day.
174
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:17,588
Yeah, my dad left me out in the rain.
175
00:10:18,216 --> 00:10:20,094
I'm sorry.
176
00:10:20,306 --> 00:10:21,851
What did I tell you?
177
00:10:24,443 --> 00:10:26,107
What's all this stuff on the floor?
178
00:10:26,282 --> 00:10:29,242
I don't know. Junk mail.
Parking tickets.
179
00:10:29,417 --> 00:10:32,127
- What's this?
- Satin blindfold.
180
00:10:33,513 --> 00:10:36,056
- For what?
- What do you mean, "For what"?
181
00:10:36,229 --> 00:10:37,560
In case I run into...
182
00:10:39,698 --> 00:10:41,195
...a pi�ata.
183
00:10:42,874 --> 00:10:45,037
- You're unbelievable.
- Don't judge.
184
00:10:45,215 --> 00:10:47,758
You felt up a Samoan dude.
185
00:10:49,227 --> 00:10:53,316
Hey, this is for me. From the IRS.
186
00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:56,117
It was mailed a month ago.
187
00:10:57,460 --> 00:10:59,837
Damn post office.
188
00:11:01,055 --> 00:11:03,135
Oh, perfect.
189
00:11:03,312 --> 00:11:06,235
- Just freaking perfect.
- Good news?
190
00:11:07,574 --> 00:11:09,321
I'm being audited.
191
00:11:09,497 --> 00:11:11,078
They wanna see me tomorrow.
192
00:11:11,461 --> 00:11:13,589
Oh, well, look at the upside.
193
00:11:13,969 --> 00:11:15,764
What upside?
194
00:11:17,187 --> 00:11:18,815
Yeah, okay, you got me.
195
00:11:19,736 --> 00:11:21,780
How could you forget
to give this to me?
196
00:11:22,369 --> 00:11:25,828
I don't know. How could you
forget your only son in the rain?
197
00:11:26,214 --> 00:11:28,627
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Watch the cleats.
198
00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:38,782
Let's go, sleepyhead.
Rise and shine, up and at 'em.
199
00:11:39,003 --> 00:11:42,961
Get out of my room
or I'll kill you with my bare hands.
200
00:11:43,183 --> 00:11:46,024
I'm being audited today.
You have to take Jake to school.
201
00:11:46,234 --> 00:11:48,064
Put him in a cab.
202
00:11:48,407 --> 00:11:50,368
Oh, please. I am counting on you.
203
00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:53,207
Then you're headed
for disappointment.
204
00:11:53,673 --> 00:11:56,596
You need to get Jake dressed,
make him his lunch...
205
00:11:56,766 --> 00:11:59,726
...and get him to school by 8, okay?
- Okay.
206
00:12:00,778 --> 00:12:02,941
- You're not moving.
- Yes, I am.
207
00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:05,287
I'm flipping you off under the covers.
208
00:12:07,883 --> 00:12:10,010
Get up!
209
00:12:11,853 --> 00:12:13,897
All right, I'm up.
210
00:12:14,319 --> 00:12:16,482
So you know what to do with Jake?
211
00:12:16,659 --> 00:12:19,238
You have to be responsible.
You have to be me today.
212
00:12:19,418 --> 00:12:22,674
- Think you can handle that?
- You left him out in the rain yesterday.
213
00:12:22,845 --> 00:12:24,758
It's not like you set the bar real high.
214
00:12:25,770 --> 00:12:27,232
- Charlie.
- Relax.
215
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,777
I think I'm capable
of getting your kid to school.
216
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:32,743
Good, because I really need your help.
217
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:37,466
So... So I'm gonna leave now.
218
00:12:39,186 --> 00:12:41,147
You're all set, right?
219
00:12:41,359 --> 00:12:42,857
Charlie?
220
00:12:51,808 --> 00:12:54,386
Get up!
221
00:12:59,999 --> 00:13:01,830
Get dressed.
I'm taking you to school.
222
00:13:02,298 --> 00:13:04,591
I can't. I'm sick.
223
00:13:05,056 --> 00:13:07,386
Yeah, well, bite me.
224
00:13:08,149 --> 00:13:10,312
- Hey.
- Don't... Don't screw with me, shorty.
225
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,867
I only got, like,
nine hours of sleep last night.
226
00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:17,711
- Now get dressed.
- I'm supposed to take a shower first.
227
00:13:21,439 --> 00:13:22,771
Sit near a window.
228
00:13:26,664 --> 00:13:30,122
- Here, put these on.
- I wore these yesterday.
229
00:13:30,342 --> 00:13:33,598
They're still extremely stylish.
Put them on.
230
00:13:34,646 --> 00:13:37,939
- Can I have some privacy, please?
- For what? You're 11.
231
00:13:38,157 --> 00:13:40,534
That's close to puberty.
232
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:43,497
Okay, okay.
233
00:13:45,471 --> 00:13:46,802
I'm leaving.
234
00:13:52,325 --> 00:13:54,488
What am I, nuts?
235
00:14:06,577 --> 00:14:08,907
Get up!
236
00:14:11,759 --> 00:14:13,590
I could have dressed myself,
you know.
237
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:16,095
You had your chance.
238
00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:18,400
I look stupid.
239
00:14:18,864 --> 00:14:21,787
Yeah, well, you're close to puberty.
240
00:14:21,998 --> 00:14:23,377
Oh, I forgot to comb my hair.
241
00:14:23,587 --> 00:14:26,344
No, no, no. I'll do it.
242
00:14:27,850 --> 00:14:29,311
That's spit.
243
00:14:29,521 --> 00:14:33,397
Hey, one man's saliva is another
man's mousse. Now shut up.
244
00:14:34,077 --> 00:14:36,038
There, you're beautiful. Let's go.
245
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:39,253
- What about lunch?
- Sorry, I have plans.
246
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,392
No, you're supposed to
make me lunch.
247
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,774
Oh, all right, come on.
248
00:14:47,618 --> 00:14:50,411
You're not really a morning person,
are you?
249
00:14:50,585 --> 00:14:53,426
You're just saying that
because I spit on your head.
250
00:14:55,350 --> 00:14:58,191
- You like cold pizza, right?
- Sure.
251
00:15:04,461 --> 00:15:06,707
- This is frozen.
- Yeah. If you sit on it...
252
00:15:06,885 --> 00:15:08,929
...it'll thaw by lunch.
253
00:15:12,736 --> 00:15:15,446
My butt is freezing.
254
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,623
You wanted pizza.
255
00:15:20,844 --> 00:15:22,805
All right, I'll put the seat warmer on.
256
00:15:22,975 --> 00:15:25,186
Cook it from both sides.
257
00:15:25,399 --> 00:15:29,156
- I like it better when my dad takes me.
- Oh, gee, you're not having fun?
258
00:15:29,328 --> 00:15:31,824
Because I'm farting rainbows
over here.
259
00:15:32,671 --> 00:15:35,382
First, he forgets me.
Now he leaves me with you.
260
00:15:35,848 --> 00:15:37,179
Hey, you know what?
261
00:15:37,352 --> 00:15:40,312
Your father works like a dog
to make sure you have everything.
262
00:15:40,821 --> 00:15:42,235
If he's not there for you...
263
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:46,249
...it's just because he's trying
to stay out of federal prison.
264
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,596
I think he needs to have sex.
265
00:15:53,276 --> 00:15:54,939
I was kidding about prison, Jake.
266
00:15:57,706 --> 00:15:59,501
What do you mean
he needs to have sex?
267
00:15:59,879 --> 00:16:01,674
Well, he's been really grumpy lately.
268
00:16:01,843 --> 00:16:05,053
You're usually in a good mood.
I figure it's because you have sex.
269
00:16:06,441 --> 00:16:10,447
Jake, it takes more than sex
to make a man happy.
270
00:16:11,623 --> 00:16:12,954
You also need money.
271
00:16:17,307 --> 00:16:19,019
All right, have a good day.
272
00:16:19,188 --> 00:16:21,731
- Learn something.
- This isn't my school.
273
00:16:22,698 --> 00:16:26,074
- What do you mean?
- I mean, I don't go to school here.
274
00:16:27,797 --> 00:16:29,794
Well, where do you go to school?
275
00:16:30,012 --> 00:16:31,890
Woodward Avenue Elementary.
276
00:16:32,102 --> 00:16:36,155
- And where the hell is that?
- Woodward Avenue, I guess.
277
00:16:37,577 --> 00:16:40,953
I don't know why you can't
tough it out here for one day.
278
00:16:41,129 --> 00:16:43,126
Make some new friends.
279
00:16:44,765 --> 00:16:46,311
Hey, Alan, it's Charlie.
280
00:16:46,479 --> 00:16:50,437
Look, I wanna ask you something but I
don't want you to read anything into it.
281
00:16:50,658 --> 00:16:52,620
Where exactly is Jake's school?
282
00:16:52,790 --> 00:16:55,167
You don 't know where his school is?
283
00:16:55,339 --> 00:16:57,252
What the hell is wrong with you?
284
00:16:57,429 --> 00:17:01,185
- Are you trying to kill me?
- You could be right about the sex thing.
285
00:17:04,074 --> 00:17:06,368
Okay, Woodward Avenue
Elementary School.
286
00:17:06,582 --> 00:17:08,044
Looks like they're closed.
287
00:17:08,212 --> 00:17:12,764
That's because I'm an hour late.
Even the crossing guard is gone.
288
00:17:14,815 --> 00:17:18,607
How about this? Why don't you just
bag school and we'll go catch a movie.
289
00:17:19,287 --> 00:17:22,413
- I can't skip school. I'm in the play.
- What play?
290
00:17:22,631 --> 00:17:25,091
The founding fathers' play.
You'll be there, right?
291
00:17:25,598 --> 00:17:27,844
Why would I be there?
292
00:17:28,147 --> 00:17:32,783
Because Mom's in Hawaii and Dad's got
that tax thing and you're all that's left.
293
00:17:33,998 --> 00:17:35,626
Oh, I'm all that's left.
294
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:37,918
Hey, I'm not thrilled about it either.
295
00:17:39,557 --> 00:17:41,435
Okay. Where and when?
296
00:17:41,647 --> 00:17:43,608
In the auditorium after lunch.
297
00:17:43,820 --> 00:17:45,733
Oh, yeah. I need
a Ben Franklin costume.
298
00:17:46,411 --> 00:17:47,956
You're telling me this now?
299
00:17:48,166 --> 00:17:50,163
I told Mom but she's in Hawaii.
300
00:17:51,343 --> 00:17:53,138
All right.
301
00:17:53,432 --> 00:17:56,939
Let's see.
Washington, Jackson, Lincoln.
302
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:59,440
Here we go. Benjamin Franklin.
303
00:17:59,952 --> 00:18:02,246
Why can't you be Lincoln?
304
00:18:02,585 --> 00:18:05,164
A beard, a mole, a top hat,
we're done.
305
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:08,060
Because Lincoln
wasn't a founding father.
306
00:18:09,857 --> 00:18:11,818
Okay, I'll see what I can do.
307
00:18:12,031 --> 00:18:14,074
Now get out of here.
308
00:18:17,171 --> 00:18:18,717
Hey.
309
00:18:20,306 --> 00:18:22,267
You forgot your lunch.
310
00:18:22,437 --> 00:18:24,232
Hey.
311
00:18:30,420 --> 00:18:32,963
God, what a day.
312
00:18:33,136 --> 00:18:34,883
I don't wanna hear it.
313
00:18:35,059 --> 00:18:37,389
You know why I was being audited?
314
00:18:37,901 --> 00:18:42,239
Not because I have unsubstantiated
deductions. Which I have.
315
00:18:42,415 --> 00:18:45,422
Not because I take the occasional
cash payment from a client...
316
00:18:45,591 --> 00:18:48,266
...and forget to report it. Which I do.
317
00:18:48,433 --> 00:18:50,893
It was because no one at the IRS...
318
00:18:51,066 --> 00:18:55,618
...could believe I was paying
as much alimony as I claimed.
319
00:18:56,750 --> 00:18:59,673
It took me three hours
to convince them that, yes...
320
00:18:59,843 --> 00:19:02,469
...I am that big a schmuck.
321
00:19:03,311 --> 00:19:05,855
Oh, boo-hoo.
322
00:19:06,947 --> 00:19:09,194
You want a real fun time?
323
00:19:09,371 --> 00:19:11,998
Try finding an extra small
Ben Franklin costume...
324
00:19:12,172 --> 00:19:13,835
...at 9:00 in the morning.
325
00:19:14,596 --> 00:19:18,019
Oh, right. The play. How was it?
326
00:19:18,650 --> 00:19:21,324
Boffo. A smash.
327
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:26,037
Among the highlights were a 12-year-old
Chinese George Washington...
328
00:19:26,214 --> 00:19:29,055
...with a powdered wig
and a snot bubble...
329
00:19:29,850 --> 00:19:32,393
...and your kid in a bald cap
and granny glasses...
330
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:37,285
...holding a Tweety Bird kite and
announcing he's discovered elasticity.
331
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,377
- Oh, I wish I'd seen it.
- Don't worry, you will.
332
00:19:40,550 --> 00:19:43,426
It was videotaped
from about 150 different angles.
333
00:19:43,768 --> 00:19:45,764
I should tell him
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
334
00:19:45,983 --> 00:19:48,657
- Yeah, you should.
- Is he in his room?
335
00:20:18,498 --> 00:20:20,625
Here you go, pal. Your favorite.
336
00:20:20,797 --> 00:20:22,840
Bacon double cheeseburger
and cheese fries.
337
00:20:23,012 --> 00:20:26,222
And for dessert, I got fudge brownies
with that ice cream you like.
338
00:20:26,439 --> 00:20:28,769
Is this supposed to
make up for everything?
339
00:20:30,827 --> 00:20:32,705
- Yeah.
- Pretty much.
340
00:20:33,711 --> 00:20:36,671
Look, Jake, I know it's been rough
and I'm sorry.
341
00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:39,348
We're human, we make mistakes.
But I promise you...
342
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:43,396
...neither of us will ever,
ever forget to pick you up again.
343
00:20:43,574 --> 00:20:46,070
Yeah, I still wanna go back to Mom's.
344
00:20:46,249 --> 00:20:49,090
When is she coming home
from Hawaii, anyway?
345
00:20:52,142 --> 00:20:53,973
Oh, crap.26515
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