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- ♪ My words are lazy,
my thoughts are hazy ♪
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00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:19,477
♪ But this is one
thing I'm sure of ♪
3
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:23,189
♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
4
00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:26,109
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
5
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:31,698
- ♪ Night and party every day ♪
6
00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:36,036
♪ I wanna rock and
roll all night ♪
7
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:39,831
- Thanks, buddy.
8
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,876
- You know, I used to think
the words to this song were,
9
00:00:42,917 --> 00:00:46,713
"I want to rock and roll all
night and part of every day."
10
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,757
Like... like, they're only
going to rock and roll
11
00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:52,135
for, like, a portion of the
day and also take time out
12
00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,012
for things like
meals and, you know,
13
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,680
time with family and children.
14
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:57,557
- There's a lot going
on with this song, man.
15
00:00:57,599 --> 00:01:00,060
This is a rock and
roll song about wanting
16
00:01:00,101 --> 00:01:02,812
to enjoy a rock and roll song.
17
00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:05,065
Does that actually make
it a rock and roll song?
18
00:01:05,106 --> 00:01:06,500
- You know what, I'll
do you one better.
19
00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:08,085
Ready to get mind fucked?
- Give it to me.
20
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:12,989
- The song the "Monster Mash"
is a song about a dance called
21
00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:14,908
the Monster Mash, which is based
22
00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:18,870
on a song called the
"Monster Mash," which is not
23
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,247
the song the "Monster Mash."
24
00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:24,250
- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
25
00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:25,919
- I don't want to
be high anymore.
26
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:29,464
- Well, kids make all kinds
of messes, don't they?
27
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:32,258
One time when he was
eight, John stole
28
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:34,177
a hot dog from the store.
29
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,512
He put it in his pocket.
30
00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:38,098
And it went through the wash.
31
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:39,474
No.
32
00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,768
It came out in one piece.
33
00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,687
Isn't that amazing?
34
00:01:43,728 --> 00:01:47,315
Oh, God was smiling
on us that day.
35
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:52,070
- Oh, for Christ's sakes.
36
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,613
Susan!
37
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,156
- Holy shit.
38
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:56,658
Did we die?
39
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,576
- Yeah, I think...
40
00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:00,120
I think we died.
41
00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:02,038
- I'm sorry, Matty.
42
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,415
I plugged in the eggbeater.
43
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:05,000
- Why are you
using the eggbeater
44
00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,185
when I'm watching "Star Search"?
45
00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:07,794
- I was making us brownies.
46
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,855
- Now I'm not going to know who
the new stars are going to be.
47
00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,297
- Well, I don't
have to finish them.
48
00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:12,841
I'll just throw the batter out.
49
00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:15,010
- Well, if you
already started them,
50
00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:16,678
you might as well finish them.
51
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,972
- OK.
52
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:21,099
- I gotta go reset the breaker.
53
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,976
Out of my way, Johnny.
54
00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:24,394
- Oh, my God.
55
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,855
They can see us. We
must still be alive.
56
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,065
- Oh, wow, a second chance.
57
00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:31,609
OK, this time, you be the cute
one, and I'll be the hot one.
58
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,194
- OK.
59
00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:53,465
- Breaker is busted.
60
00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:54,799
- Oh, man. Really?
61
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,092
- Matty, is it all right?
62
00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:57,552
- Oh, breaker is shot to hell.
63
00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:58,821
I'll have to call the
guy in the morning.
64
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,014
- So we don't have
power till tomorrow?
65
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,265
- Yes, Susan.
66
00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:03,892
That's what a busted
breaker means.
67
00:03:03,933 --> 00:03:06,436
- Well, this isn't so bad.
68
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:10,148
We could light some
candles, play some games,
69
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,276
maybe read aloud to each
other from our favorite books.
70
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,362
- Or we could take
a Sharpie and circle
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00:03:15,403 --> 00:03:16,946
the parts on each other's bodies
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00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,490
we think need improvement.
73
00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:19,550
That sounds more fun.
74
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,034
- Shut up, you guys.
75
00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:22,410
Sus, yes.
76
00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:23,661
That sounds like a great idea.
77
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:25,705
Let's go find the games.
- OK.
78
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,209
Be careful, Blaire.
79
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:31,211
There's a gun down
here somewhere.
80
00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,046
But I don't remember
where it is.
81
00:03:33,088 --> 00:03:34,923
- That's comforting.
82
00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:36,383
- Let's see now.
83
00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:41,137
I think there's a Trivial
Pursuit in one of these boxes.
84
00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,847
- Why is the floor wet?
85
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,642
- I know, we're supposed
to get that fixed.
86
00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:47,852
But I like to come down
here during the summer
87
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,771
and cool my feet.
88
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:55,026
Oh, my gosh.
89
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,570
Oh, sweetie.
90
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:05,412
- Hey, all right.
- Hey, there we go.
91
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:07,914
- Box was working just fine.
92
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,582
- Well, it wasn't
when I was down there.
93
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,918
I don't know what to tell you.
- It's OK, honey.
94
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,754
We know you were
scared of the spider.
95
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,297
- What the fuck are
you talking about?
96
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:18,258
- There was a spider on the box.
97
00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:20,593
He's always been
scared of the spiders.
98
00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:22,446
- Wait, you were just going
to fucking let us sit here
99
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:24,264
and read aloud from books?
100
00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:25,807
- Screw all of you.
101
00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,475
- Matty, why?
102
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,728
- I'm not scared of the
goddamn spider, Susan.
103
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,604
The breaker wasn't working.
104
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,023
I'm going down to Trammell's.
105
00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:36,609
- And he pulls the fucking
ripcord, just like always.
106
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:38,486
- What the hell is
that supposed to mean?
107
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,447
- Any time you're losing
an argument, you leave.
108
00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:41,614
You just walk out the door.
109
00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:43,491
- Matty, honey.
You can't leave.
110
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,326
You haven't made
stool yet today.
111
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:46,828
- Jesus Christ, Susan.
112
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,056
- Well, the doctor says if
it's been more than two days,
113
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,206
you need to call him.
114
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,459
- I did it yesterday.
It was a good one.
115
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,919
- Like a mother hen
crowing over her egg.
116
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,379
- You all watch this.
117
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,965
When he comes back, everyone's
going to apologize to him
118
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,735
because he's manipulating
the circumstances to make it
119
00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,427
seem like he's the victim.
120
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:03,928
- I'm sorry.
121
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,197
I shouldn't have told
them about the spiders.
122
00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:06,431
- No, see?
- I'm so sorry.
123
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:07,616
- This is what I'm
talking about, OK?
124
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:08,993
He's the one acting
like a whining baby.
125
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,393
He should be apologizing to you.
126
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,228
- I shouldn't have
embarrassed him, OK?
127
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,481
I think it's cute that
you're scared of the spider.
128
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,274
- I'm not scared of spiders!
129
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,817
- God, this is so fucked.
130
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:20,195
This is just classic
dysfunctional, fucked up,
131
00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:21,363
white trash marriage.
132
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:23,323
- Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. What?
133
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,657
- What do you mean, what?
134
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,926
Your wife is trying
to engage with you.
135
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,590
And you're dismissing
her like an asshole.
136
00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:29,371
And you do it all the time.
137
00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:31,247
- Susan, am I an asshole?
138
00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,166
- Oh, of course not, Matty.
139
00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:34,167
You're a veteran.
140
00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:35,585
- See?
141
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,313
You think they'd send
an asshole to Vietnam?
142
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,673
- Weren't you
dishonorably discharged?
143
00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:42,592
- No, I wasn't
dishonorably discharged
144
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,302
or honorably discharged.
145
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,762
- How the hell does that work?
146
00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:47,222
- Just exactly like I just said.
147
00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:49,349
- So the army basically
said, it's not you.
148
00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:50,684
It's us.
- That's right.
149
00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:52,161
- We're not sure we're
ready to have anybody
150
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,103
in the army right now.
151
00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:54,562
- More or less.
152
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,207
- The army just wants to
focus on the army for a while.
153
00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:57,691
- See? He gets it.
154
00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,984
- Aunt Sus, he is so fucking
disrespectful to you.
155
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,653
And you never stick
up for yourself.
156
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,905
I swear to God, you guys
need marriage counseling.
157
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,281
- Oh, fuck that.
158
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:07,534
- What's the matter? Are
you scared of therapy too?
159
00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:09,869
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, it's on, fuckers.
160
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,539
- I'm not going to pay some
shrink 80 bucks to sit there
161
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,420
and show me inkblots that
all look like priests
162
00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:16,084
with their dicks out.
163
00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:20,046
- Well, I think that's
already progress.
164
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:21,214
- Huh?
165
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:22,841
- Look, I have a proposal.
166
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,426
I've saved up a little money
167
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:26,177
working extra shifts
at the coffee shop.
168
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,638
As my Christmas gift to
you and Susan this year,
169
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,807
I will pay for one marriage
counseling session.
170
00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:32,267
All you got to do is show up.
171
00:06:32,308 --> 00:06:35,061
- Oh, Matty, can we?
172
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:37,272
- Jesus, Susan.
173
00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:38,773
What will we even talk about?
174
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,901
- Oh, we can talk about how
much we love each other.
175
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:45,363
- OK. You know what?
176
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,823
Fine.
177
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,759
We'll go, just to show you
that you're full of shit,
178
00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,785
and Susan and I have
a great marriage.
179
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,787
In fact, you know what,
let's go right now.
180
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,081
It's not open at 9:00 p.m.
181
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:57,083
- Oh.
182
00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,627
And the bullshit begins.
183
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,681
- Now, of course, the most
well-known singularity
184
00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,434
in Frost poem is
the repetition of,
185
00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:15,977
"And miles to go
before I sleep,"
186
00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:18,772
which refers not to
literal sleep but to death
187
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,398
and the overwhelming...
188
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,253
- Is there something
you'd like to share
189
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,737
with the class, Miss Lyons?
190
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,948
- We were just wondering if
your pants are big enough.
191
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,701
- Excuse me?
192
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,471
- It just seems like
there's a little fashion
193
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,038
emergency going on.
194
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,916
Did you get your pants
from the lost and found?
195
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,546
- Yeah, these pants
are a little big.
196
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,632
They were my dad's.
197
00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:48,301
Why am I wearing my dead
father's pants, you ask?
198
00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:51,137
Because I've moved
back in with my mother.
199
00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:54,557
My wife left me two weeks ago
for a racquetball teacher.
200
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,559
Happy now?
- God, chill out.
201
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:57,894
It was a joke.
202
00:07:57,936 --> 00:08:00,105
- I'd love to chill out, Erin.
203
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,648
I really would.
204
00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:03,942
But you know what, life
has other plans for me.
205
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:06,945
My wife says he
makes eye contact
206
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:08,321
with her when they make love.
207
00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:12,283
With me, it's either eye
contact or an erection.
208
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,910
You have to choose one.
209
00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:17,789
And silly me, I thought the
right choice was the erection.
210
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,417
Well, I had a 50/50
shot, didn't I?
211
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:23,294
Turns out she wants eye contact.
212
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,964
And now that I've moved
back in with Mother,
213
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:29,509
I have to masturbate into the
toilet because my bed squeaks.
214
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,344
Of course, if you
ask my ex-wife,
215
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:35,306
the toilet is where
Mr. George's sperm belongs.
216
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,517
Now there's a joke, Erin.
217
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,769
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
218
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:45,150
- Mr. George, can we
have a talk in my office?
219
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:50,822
- Gee, I wonder
what this is about.
220
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:55,660
Everyone, please
read pages 81 to 96.
221
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,954
I'm kidding. I
don't give a shit.
222
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,459
- I think that's enough
emotional trauma for the day.
223
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,419
Why don't you kids
go home early?
224
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,882
- Man, that was insane, huh?
225
00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,800
- Yeah. Those
cheerleaders are mean.
226
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:13,636
- That's... that's
what you got from that?
227
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,072
- Well, at least we
got the afternoon off.
228
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,057
- Street hockey?
- Street hockey.
229
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:17,932
- Fuck yeah.
230
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,309
- All right, this is it, baby.
231
00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:21,311
You're going down.
- Yeah, fuck you, Bobby Orr.
232
00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:23,480
Take your best shot.
233
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,023
Oh!
234
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,359
And Bennett chokes in the
final seconds of the game.
235
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,235
This is an absolute disgrace.
236
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:30,362
- Ah, shit.
237
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,922
- Look at the
disappointed faces on all
238
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,157
these Make-A-Wish
kids who only wanted
239
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,533
to see a Bruins victory.
240
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,743
- Teddy...
241
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:38,203
- This is a stunning
upset fueling
242
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,580
an anger the fans will no
doubt take out on their wives.
243
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,600
And I got to say, Don...
- Shut the fuck up, all right?
244
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:45,502
I got to ask you something.
- What?
245
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,712
- Do you think Blaire is right?
246
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,923
Like, do my parents have
a fucked up marriage?
247
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:52,467
- Well, that's one of those
tough to answer questions,
248
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:55,887
Johnny, like where did you find
Teddy bear sized hockey gear?
249
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,138
I just don't know.
250
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,932
- And if they are
having problems,
251
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,558
is any of it my fault?
252
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,810
I mean, what can I do?
253
00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:03,269
- Well, I'm just brainstorming.
254
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,313
But it seems like,
maybe, hurting yourself
255
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,439
could teach him a lesson.
256
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,274
- Gee, I never thought of that.
257
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,776
Then I'd be in
charge of the pain.
258
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,945
- Exactly.
- Only I know what I deserve.
259
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,780
And I'd give myself
just that much.
260
00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:15,365
- Yeah, you know,
I'm just now starting
261
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:16,741
to see some cracks in this.
262
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,794
- Hey, how'd it go?
263
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,134
- I paid 80 bucks
for that session,
264
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:35,719
and you just fucking walked out?
265
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,762
- That quack had it
in for me the second I
266
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,097
walked in that door.
267
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,533
You know what he said?
You know what he said?
268
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:41,641
He said I'm selfish.
269
00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:42,892
- Oh, shocker.
270
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:44,328
- Yeah, he said, I need
to compromise more.
271
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,062
Can you believe
that fucking shit?
272
00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:49,357
I'm working a 60-hour week just
to keep a roof over our heads.
273
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:51,234
- He does work a lot.
274
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:52,902
- See? Even she gets it.
275
00:10:52,944 --> 00:10:55,155
Everything I do,
I do it for you.
276
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:57,115
- Wait, so you're
saying, you can't tell me
277
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,950
it's not worth trying for.
278
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,827
- Exactly.
- Like, I can't help it.
279
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,996
There's nothing I want more.
- See?
280
00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:04,289
You know it's true.
281
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:05,373
- Oh, my God.
282
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,684
- Shit, I can't
believe he said it.
283
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:07,709
- Oh, fucking amazing.
284
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:08,877
- What?
285
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,211
- It's Bryan Adams.
286
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:12,088
Oh, what a treat.
What a treat.
287
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,049
- Matty, the whole
point of this was
288
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,343
for you to get a neutral
perspective on your marriage.
289
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,761
- He was not neutral.
290
00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,030
He agreed with
everything she said.
291
00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:20,489
And he took a shit
on everything I said.
292
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,057
- So let me get this straight.
293
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:24,201
So no one's neutral unless they
agree with you all the time.
294
00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:25,226
Got it.
295
00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:26,853
- The guy's a
Harvard fancy pants.
296
00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:29,272
He doesn't understand
regular guys.
297
00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,441
The bartender down
at Trammell's always
298
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:32,734
thinks I'm right.
299
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,527
In fact, he just said
to me last night,
300
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:36,780
"You've made your point.
You can go home now."
301
00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,032
- OK. So let's figure this out.
302
00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:42,327
If Dr. Feldstein's not
neutral, then who would be?
303
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,871
Who would you accept
as a neutral arbiter?
304
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:47,207
- Someone with no
fucking agenda.
305
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:51,378
Like Ted.
306
00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:52,712
- Ted?
307
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,256
- Yeah, he's an even guy,
minds his own business.
308
00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:56,758
He's neutral.
309
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,552
- That's an interesting idea.
310
00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,721
So you'd accept Ted
as a neutral arbiter?
311
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:02,972
- Absolutely.
312
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:05,475
- Fuck it. What
do you say, Ted?
313
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:06,851
- About what?
314
00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:08,603
Sorry. I was doing
these Mad Libs.
315
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:12,732
Four score and seven cocks ago.
316
00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,085
- That's better
than the real one.
317
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,568
- Focus.
318
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:17,904
Would you be willing to listen
to Susan and Matty's sides
319
00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:19,823
and then make an
objective judgment call?
320
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,908
- What do you mean, like
a... like a therapist?
321
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,869
- Not therapy, just listening.
322
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:26,121
- Oh, Blaire.
323
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,498
It's all right if
he doesn't want to.
324
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:30,041
I can just watch "Oprah."
325
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,794
And maybe they'll have a
topic that applies to me.
326
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:36,589
- Will you do it?
327
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:39,300
- Well, in the words
of Abraham Lincoln,
328
00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:43,096
a diarrhea divided against
itself cannot John's wiener.
329
00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:44,848
- Oh, come on, man.
Don't put that.
330
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,891
- OK. I'll erase it.
331
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,772
- You know, the suit
wasn't necessary.
332
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:53,940
- Blaire, please.
333
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,442
Johnny is my best friend.
334
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:56,901
He's got a stake in this.
335
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,129
So if I'm doing it,
I'm doing it right.
336
00:12:58,153 --> 00:13:00,697
Now let's start with the basics.
337
00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,490
Would you classify your marriage
338
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,200
as sexually satisfying?
339
00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:05,493
- What?
340
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,375
- How often would you
say you have intercourse?
341
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,889
- That's none of your
goddamn business.
342
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,498
- Look, why don't
we just stick...
343
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:14,669
- Every six months.
- Every six months.
344
00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:15,837
And what about anal?
345
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:17,297
- Dude, seriously.
- Jesus Christ.
346
00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,341
- We do like the
room to be clean.
347
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:20,717
Yeah.
348
00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,218
- She said, yes.
349
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:23,386
Hilarious.
350
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:25,388
OK, now I want you
to turn to each other
351
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:27,599
and say the meanest
thing you can think of.
352
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,976
- Ted, why don't you
ask them something
353
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:33,146
productive like how they met,
354
00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:35,607
what originally drew
them to each other?
355
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,317
- All right.
356
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:40,528
Matty, what originally
attracted you to Susan?
357
00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:45,950
- Her innocence.
358
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,495
- Oh, OK.
359
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:49,537
- What?
360
00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,498
- I thought...
361
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,833
I already wrote it's...
362
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:54,918
it's fine.
363
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,670
Susan.
364
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:57,837
- His heart.
365
00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,339
- His heart.
366
00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:02,384
- When Matty and I first met,
367
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:05,845
he bought us tickets to
see Simon & Garfunkel.
368
00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:07,430
It was a Friday.
369
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,849
And he'd been working
since 6:00 a.m.
370
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:11,893
Poor Matty was so tired.
371
00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:13,978
- Well, if there's any
cure for being tired,
372
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,188
it's Simon & Garfunkel.
373
00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:17,357
- We'd never seen them up close.
374
00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:20,151
So when we got
there, Matty realized
375
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,153
that Garfunkel was a man.
376
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,572
So we had to leave.
- Wait, why?
377
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,908
- Two men shouldn't
be singing harmony.
378
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,743
- Dad, I thought you
liked Hall & Oates?
379
00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:30,370
- That's different.
- Why?
380
00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:31,788
- Because they sing in unison.
381
00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:33,790
Or they take turns, one
and then the other one.
382
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,000
That's OK.
383
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,876
- What about Crosby,
Stills & Nash?
384
00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:38,211
- They're all right for now.
385
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,547
But I'm keeping my eye on them.
386
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,215
You're a complicated man.
387
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,342
- I'm still waiting
for the heart part.
388
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,845
- Well, we got in the car.
389
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,098
And Matty drove home, and
he got his record player.
390
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,225
And he took me to Boston Common.
391
00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:55,186
And we had a picnic
on the lawn while we
392
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,147
listened to Sonny & Cher.
393
00:14:57,188 --> 00:14:59,399
And he bought me a rose.
394
00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:03,194
And he danced with me
right there on the grass.
395
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,113
You remember that?
- Of course I do.
396
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:07,949
- Matty, you did that?
397
00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:08,992
- Yeah.
398
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,660
It was beautiful.
399
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:13,079
She was this wicked
smart college girl.
400
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:15,749
And I wanted to impress her.
401
00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:17,500
See? I'm a good guy.
402
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,210
That prick fuck
shrink was way off.
403
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,587
So fuck everybody.
404
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:22,255
- Mom, I didn't know
you went to college.
405
00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:23,882
- Yeah, me neither.
406
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,050
What did you study?
407
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,927
- Well, I was going to teach.
408
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,763
- You were going
to be a teacher?
409
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,264
Susan, that's amazing.
410
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:32,682
- I'd gotten my credentials.
411
00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:35,852
And I was all ready
to apply for a job.
412
00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:38,646
And then I got married.
413
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:40,565
- Why couldn't you do both?
414
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,026
- Well, it just
didn't seem practical
415
00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:46,529
with the groceries
and the laundry.
416
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,132
- Well, I mean, have you ever
thought of going back to it?
417
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:49,783
I think you'd be great.
418
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,576
- Oh, no, no.
419
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,037
That was a long time
ago. No, I couldn't.
420
00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,623
- Susan, I really think
you could do this.
421
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:58,667
- Jesus! She said
she's not interested.
422
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,377
- Should I make
some chocolate milk?
423
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:01,437
- Oh, yeah. Chocolate milk.
424
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,296
- Chocolate milk.
- No, Susan.
425
00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:04,798
For God's sake.
- Therapy over.
426
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:05,900
We're doing chocolate milk now.
427
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:07,425
- Guys, come on.
428
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,487
This woman does everything
for all of us in this house.
429
00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:11,429
And nobody ever does a
goddamn thing for her.
430
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,014
And now she's sitting
here telling us
431
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:14,224
something that's important.
432
00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:15,701
- That's horse shit.
I do a ton of stuff.
433
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:16,976
- You?
434
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,353
What do you do for Susan?
435
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:21,022
- I pay for everything
she owns and eats.
436
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:22,583
- OK, how about we
all just sit with what
437
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:25,068
Matty just said, while Susan
gets on that chocolate milk?
438
00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:27,320
- I'll get that for you.
439
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:30,907
- Well, I think I
just proved my point
440
00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:32,701
that this marriage is perfect.
441
00:16:34,703 --> 00:16:36,996
- Yeesh, I couldn't say
this in front of them.
442
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,998
But they were both
clearly molested.
443
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,959
- Guys, believe it or not,
444
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:42,627
I think we did great.
445
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,212
- Really?
- Yeah.
446
00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:47,632
We just found out Susan has no
identity outside this family.
447
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:49,676
I mean, she's a
wife. She's a mother.
448
00:16:49,718 --> 00:16:50,927
But that's it.
449
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,512
She could be so much more.
450
00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:54,848
And it's so obvious that
deep down, she wants to be.
451
00:16:54,889 --> 00:16:57,517
- You got all that from
her saying she does anal?
452
00:16:57,559 --> 00:16:59,394
Man, you should be
the pretend therapist.
453
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:00,812
- I mean, I hear you, Blaire.
454
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,106
But what are we supposed to do?
455
00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:04,566
- I don't know yet.
456
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:07,318
But somehow, we got to
help her find her voice.
457
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,879
I mean, we're the only
ones that can do it.
458
00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,196
- Couldn't agree more, Blaire.
459
00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,741
Delusional narcissist.
460
00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:14,242
- Excuse me?
461
00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:17,328
- Note to self, stop
saying what you write.
462
00:17:32,427 --> 00:17:34,554
- God, look at her.
463
00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:36,348
She's so fucking hot.
- Yeah.
464
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,682
Too bad she's a bitch.
465
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,267
- I don't even care.
466
00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,162
She could treat me like crap.
I'd still let her jerk me off.
467
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:42,729
- Oh, you should
tell her, Johnny.
468
00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:44,582
I'm sure she'd love to hear it.
- All right, fuck you, man.
469
00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:46,816
- No, really, what a
feather in her cap.
470
00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:48,753
- Hey, I'm just saying,
hypothetically, if she asked,
471
00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,111
I would say yes.
472
00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:51,589
- That's what she's telling
her friend right now.
473
00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:54,157
She's saying, see that kid
over there in Lee jeans?
474
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,368
I want to bring him to climax.
475
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,078
But will he let me?
476
00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,371
- Hey, guys.
477
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,498
- Oh, hey, Andrew. Hey, Polly.
478
00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:02,641
- Did you hear what
happened to Mr. George?
479
00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,793
- No, what?
- He got fired.
480
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:06,336
- No shit. Why?
481
00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:07,855
- They caught him in
the faculty lounge
482
00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:09,255
screaming at his own dick.
483
00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:10,924
- Oh, that's what that was.
484
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:13,259
Yeah, I heard yelling coming
out of there yesterday.
485
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:15,303
- You're not going
to let me fuck?
486
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:18,431
I'm not going to let you pee!
487
00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,809
- Well, do they have
someone to replace him?
488
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:21,935
- I don't know.
489
00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:24,104
I think they're
trying to find a sub.
490
00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:25,897
- Teddy.
- What?
491
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,358
- They're looking for a sub.
- Yeah, so?
492
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,943
- So what about Mom?
493
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,152
- Susan?
494
00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:33,238
- Yeah. Why not?
495
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:34,465
I mean, you remember
what Blaire said,
496
00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:36,116
no one ever does
anything for her.
497
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:37,534
- I mean, yeah.
498
00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:39,786
But you really want your
mother teaching your class?
499
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,597
I mean, you remember what
happened to Todd Greene?
500
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,456
He yelled goodbye to his mother.
501
00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:45,709
And now he's got to eat
lunch with the janitor.
502
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,085
- I don't care.
503
00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:48,354
- People are
shitting in his desk.
504
00:18:48,378 --> 00:18:49,605
- Look, Teddy. We
got to at least try.
505
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,172
Let's go talk to the principal.
506
00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:56,052
- Well, I have to admit,
507
00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:58,638
we're in a bit of a bind here.
508
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,891
Does Mrs. Bennett have any
prior teaching experience?
509
00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:05,061
- Well, no, but she's
got all her credentials.
510
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,312
- I see.
511
00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:07,498
- Oh, she's the one
who taught me how
512
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:08,857
to use the bathroom by myself.
513
00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:10,400
- Yeah, last August, right?
514
00:19:10,442 --> 00:19:11,484
- Oh, shut up, man.
515
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:12,652
Fuck you.
- All right, man.
516
00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:14,171
- What's that?
- I don't fucking know.
517
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:15,613
- Do you know if
your mother would
518
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,323
be willing to take
this on for what
519
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:18,992
may be an indefinite period?
520
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:21,661
- I mean, she has always
wanted to be a teacher.
521
00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:23,347
She just couldn't because
she had to do laundry.
522
00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:24,557
- There's a lot of laundry so...
523
00:19:24,581 --> 00:19:26,666
- I know she'd do
a wicked good job.
524
00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:28,126
- OK, listen. How about this?
525
00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:29,502
You hire her.
526
00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:31,838
And the next time there's
an anti-drug assembly,
527
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,800
and they ask for questions,
I will ask a question.
528
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,236
- Teddy, don't.
What, are you crazy?
529
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,428
- Quiet, John, quiet.
530
00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:41,973
I will ask a question
of the speaker.
531
00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:45,685
- No one has ever asked
a question at assembly.
532
00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:47,520
- I will ask one.
533
00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:49,439
- A real question?
- Yes.
534
00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:51,900
Not like a, can we see your
nipple, kind of question,
535
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,193
like, a real one.
536
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:55,236
- Like, how can I help ensure
537
00:19:55,278 --> 00:19:57,030
my school remains drug-free?
538
00:19:57,072 --> 00:20:01,368
- Like, who should I tell if
I suspect a peer is on drugs?
539
00:20:01,409 --> 00:20:03,453
- Good God.
- Teddy, no, no.
540
00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:04,513
- Shut up, John.
- It's not worth it.
541
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,289
- Shut up. This is for Susan!
542
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,708
- You have your deal.
543
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,919
And may God have
mercy on your soul.
544
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,588
Now get out of this office
before I kick your ass myself.
545
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,191
- Yes, ma'am, thank you.
- Thank you, thank you so much.
546
00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:16,758
- Thank you.
547
00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:20,595
- God, I love this job.
548
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:30,271
♪ And that's
the monster mash ♪
549
00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:33,108
- What do you
think? Is it a hit?
550
00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:34,859
- I just told you.
551
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,754
There's already a song
called the "Monster Mash."
552
00:20:36,778 --> 00:20:37,987
- Oh, no, Blaire.
Jesus Christ.
553
00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:39,531
Look at the diagram again.
554
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,826
So this song the "Monster Mash"
was inspired by this dance
555
00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:44,244
the Monster Mash.
556
00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:45,787
But the song the "Monster Mash,"
557
00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:48,498
which is about the
dance the Monster Mash,
558
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:51,626
which was inspired by the
song the "Monster Mash"
559
00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:54,421
is not the song the
"Monster Mash," all right?
560
00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:56,965
That song does not
exist in our universe.
561
00:20:57,007 --> 00:21:00,260
- Ever since 1962, we have been
living in the outer circle.
562
00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:01,678
And we don't even know it.
563
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,264
Teddy and I have written the
song the "Monster Mash"...
564
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:07,058
- Which will take our reality
to the innermost circle
565
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,519
for the first time in the
history of the cosmos.
566
00:21:09,561 --> 00:21:11,855
- All we need is
$2,000 for studio time.
567
00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:13,732
- I'll save you
the time right now.
568
00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:16,276
Nobody in 1993 is going to
give a shit about a song
569
00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:17,277
called the "Monster Mash."
570
00:21:17,318 --> 00:21:18,611
- Why not?
571
00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:20,030
- Because all the good music now
572
00:21:20,071 --> 00:21:22,657
is about shit that matters,
people with real stories.
573
00:21:22,699 --> 00:21:24,325
I mean, don't you guys
listen to hip-hop?
574
00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:25,869
- OK, OK, how about this?
575
00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:29,164
Both: ♪ And that's
the monster mash ♪
576
00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:31,416
- ♪ It's hard being Black ♪
577
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:32,917
- John.
578
00:21:32,959 --> 00:21:34,085
- Hey, Mom.
579
00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:36,254
- I just got a call
from the principal.
580
00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,922
- Really?
581
00:21:37,964 --> 00:21:41,134
- They want me to take
over for Mr. George.
582
00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:42,135
- They do?
583
00:21:42,177 --> 00:21:43,595
- Yeah.
584
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:46,139
And, John, they said
it was your idea.
585
00:21:46,181 --> 00:21:47,974
Is that true?
586
00:21:48,016 --> 00:21:49,142
- Are you mad?
587
00:21:49,184 --> 00:21:51,311
- No, no.
588
00:21:51,353 --> 00:21:53,688
I'm just overwhelmed.
589
00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:55,190
- Well, you're going
to do it, right?
590
00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:57,400
- Well, I don't know.
591
00:21:57,442 --> 00:21:58,693
- Oh, my God.
592
00:21:58,735 --> 00:22:00,904
You have to say yes.
This is your chance.
593
00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:03,490
- Well, if I'm working, then
who's going to let the mailman
594
00:22:03,531 --> 00:22:05,158
in to use the bathroom?
595
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,576
- Listen to me.
596
00:22:06,618 --> 00:22:10,538
This is about you doing
something for yourself.
597
00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:11,956
- Well, if it's what you want.
598
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:14,542
- No, Jesus. It's
not about me.
599
00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,252
It's about what you want.
600
00:22:16,294 --> 00:22:18,129
This was your dream.
I mean, come on.
601
00:22:18,171 --> 00:22:20,840
You got to give yourself a
chance to see it through.
602
00:22:20,882 --> 00:22:23,677
- You're not embarrassed
to have your mother
603
00:22:23,718 --> 00:22:25,136
teaching your class?
604
00:22:25,178 --> 00:22:27,222
- I already walk around
school with my Teddy bear.
605
00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:28,515
I think I'll be fine.
606
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:31,059
- Oh, John.
607
00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:33,770
Thank you.
- OK, oh, God.
608
00:22:33,812 --> 00:22:36,815
Oh, Jesus, Ma.
- Thank you so much.
609
00:22:36,856 --> 00:22:41,528
Oh, I'm so excited.
I'm all flushed.
610
00:22:41,569 --> 00:22:44,489
I'm going to go stand
in the basement water.
611
00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:50,078
- John, you did that for her?
612
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,205
- Well, yeah.
613
00:22:52,247 --> 00:22:54,791
You know, you said nobody ever
does anything for her so...
614
00:22:54,833 --> 00:22:56,918
- Yeah, you know, we're
not all about smoking weed
615
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,295
and scouring the
beaches of the world
616
00:22:59,337 --> 00:23:00,755
looking for the perfect wave.
617
00:23:00,797 --> 00:23:02,090
We care.
618
00:23:02,132 --> 00:23:04,551
- It's increasingly
possible that the two of you
619
00:23:04,592 --> 00:23:07,387
might not be total fuck-ups.
620
00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:10,306
- I'm OK!
621
00:23:10,348 --> 00:23:11,599
I'm OK.
622
00:23:11,641 --> 00:23:13,226
- Susan, get out
of the basement!
623
00:23:13,268 --> 00:23:15,603
I'm watching TV.
624
00:23:40,837 --> 00:23:43,882
Good morning, everyone.
625
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,091
Hi.
626
00:23:45,133 --> 00:23:47,677
I'm your substitute
teacher, Mrs. Bennett.
627
00:23:47,719 --> 00:23:49,429
- Fuck yeah. Great start.
628
00:23:49,471 --> 00:23:52,766
I'm a
little new at this.
629
00:23:52,807 --> 00:23:55,602
So I hope you'll
be patient with me.
630
00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:58,188
I was told you're
studying American poets
631
00:23:58,229 --> 00:24:00,065
of the early 20th century.
632
00:24:00,106 --> 00:24:01,608
Is that right?
633
00:24:05,070 --> 00:24:06,571
- Yeah, yeah. That's right.
634
00:24:06,613 --> 00:24:07,614
- OK.
635
00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:08,948
Now let's see.
636
00:24:08,990 --> 00:24:13,536
It looks like Mr. George
left off with T.S. Eliot.
637
00:24:13,578 --> 00:24:15,872
Yeah?
638
00:24:15,914 --> 00:24:20,251
OK, well, you know, I
have a very special place
639
00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:22,504
in my heart for T.S. Eliot.
640
00:24:22,545 --> 00:24:25,965
He wrote those wonderful
poems about cats.
641
00:24:26,007 --> 00:24:28,635
And when I was a little
girl, whenever I'd get sick
642
00:24:28,677 --> 00:24:30,845
and I'd stay home in bed,
643
00:24:30,887 --> 00:24:32,639
my mother would
read me those poems.
644
00:24:32,681 --> 00:24:34,557
They always made me feel better.
645
00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:39,646
Did I say something funny?
646
00:24:39,688 --> 00:24:42,982
- You're saying
you're a cat lady?
647
00:24:43,024 --> 00:24:44,734
- Yes, yes.
648
00:24:44,776 --> 00:24:46,861
I guess I am a cat lady.
649
00:24:46,903 --> 00:24:49,114
- Well, that
explains the blouse.
650
00:24:49,155 --> 00:24:50,990
- The blouse?
651
00:24:51,032 --> 00:24:52,283
Does it look OK?
652
00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:53,785
- Yeah, it looks great.
653
00:24:53,827 --> 00:24:55,995
Actually, my grandma has
curtains in her bathroom.
654
00:24:56,037 --> 00:24:57,890
And I think that they
might be the same pattern.
655
00:24:57,914 --> 00:25:00,834
- Oh, what a funny coincidence.
656
00:25:00,875 --> 00:25:02,335
- Leave her alone, Erin.
- Yeah.
657
00:25:02,377 --> 00:25:03,795
Some of us are here to learn.
658
00:25:03,837 --> 00:25:06,131
- Aren't you the guy who asked
the question at assembly?
659
00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:07,858
- A lot of people wanted
to know about the long-term
660
00:25:07,882 --> 00:25:09,259
side effects of drugs.
661
00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:12,053
- Mrs. Bennett, did you pick
out the blouse yourself?
662
00:25:12,095 --> 00:25:13,722
- Yeah.
663
00:25:14,848 --> 00:25:18,018
"Old Possum's Book
of Practical Cats."
664
00:25:18,059 --> 00:25:20,353
- Did you pick out the
skirt yourself too?
665
00:25:20,395 --> 00:25:21,604
- I did.
666
00:25:21,646 --> 00:25:22,957
Is there something
wrong with my skirt?
667
00:25:22,981 --> 00:25:25,358
- I mean, not unless
you're someone who thinks
668
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,278
Marshalls is too pricey.
669
00:25:28,319 --> 00:25:30,030
- Hey, Erin.
670
00:25:30,071 --> 00:25:31,448
Hi. Ted.
671
00:25:31,489 --> 00:25:33,426
We've never officially
talked. But I know your work.
672
00:25:33,450 --> 00:25:35,618
Listen, I think Susan's
doing a terrific job.
673
00:25:35,660 --> 00:25:36,995
So I figured this is a good time
674
00:25:37,037 --> 00:25:38,717
to tell you, we all
know about the nose job
675
00:25:38,747 --> 00:25:39,706
you had last year.
676
00:25:39,748 --> 00:25:41,041
You didn't fool anybody.
677
00:25:41,082 --> 00:25:42,643
Because we all remember
before the surgery
678
00:25:42,667 --> 00:25:44,419
when you tried to
kiss Danny Santucci,
679
00:25:44,461 --> 00:25:45,920
and you poked his eye out.
680
00:25:45,962 --> 00:25:48,006
Also, and everybody in
town knows this except you.
681
00:25:48,048 --> 00:25:50,592
Your dad is really your uncle,
which may have subconsciously
682
00:25:50,633 --> 00:25:52,903
fucked you up and caused you
eating disorder, which is also
683
00:25:52,927 --> 00:25:54,363
no secret because
everybody's heard you
684
00:25:54,387 --> 00:25:55,555
throwing up in the bathroom.
685
00:25:55,597 --> 00:25:56,907
And also, I recently
found out you're
686
00:25:56,931 --> 00:25:58,492
a virgin, which is
interesting, because you've
687
00:25:58,516 --> 00:25:59,809
been lying about that too.
688
00:25:59,851 --> 00:26:01,811
So I hope you do give
your boyfriend fellatio
689
00:26:01,853 --> 00:26:03,080
because at least then
there's something
690
00:26:03,104 --> 00:26:04,540
going down your throat
besides your finger.
691
00:26:04,564 --> 00:26:06,024
That about cover it?
692
00:26:11,696 --> 00:26:13,948
- Jesus Christ, Teddy.
693
00:26:13,990 --> 00:26:15,075
- Sorry.
694
00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:16,743
We don't do enough
for Susan at home.
695
00:26:16,785 --> 00:26:18,870
So I felt obligated
to say those things.
696
00:26:27,962 --> 00:26:30,215
- Well, go ahead, Susan.
697
00:26:30,256 --> 00:26:33,259
- Well, go ahead and read
698
00:26:33,301 --> 00:26:35,720
"The Love Song of
J. Alfred Prufrock."
699
00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:37,764
I'll be right back.
700
00:26:38,765 --> 00:26:40,767
- You know, before
Mrs. B., I didn't
701
00:26:40,809 --> 00:26:42,310
care nothing about reading.
702
00:26:42,352 --> 00:26:44,062
But she opened my eyes.
703
00:26:44,104 --> 00:26:46,981
These poems really are
just like rap songs.
704
00:26:49,609 --> 00:26:51,778
- Oh, sweetie.
705
00:26:51,820 --> 00:26:52,946
Are you OK?
706
00:26:52,987 --> 00:26:55,782
- I'm a total fucking loser!
707
00:26:55,824 --> 00:26:57,242
- Oh, honey.
708
00:26:57,283 --> 00:26:58,785
No, no, you're not.
709
00:26:58,827 --> 00:27:01,204
You're a very special girl.
710
00:27:01,246 --> 00:27:02,497
I just know it.
711
00:27:02,539 --> 00:27:04,207
- I'm a fucking disaster.
712
00:27:04,249 --> 00:27:06,835
My whole life is an
absolute fucking mess.
713
00:27:06,876 --> 00:27:08,795
- You're 16.
714
00:27:08,837 --> 00:27:11,798
Your life hasn't
even started yet.
715
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:15,677
You can still be
anyone you want to be.
716
00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:19,681
- I'm sorry I was such a bitch.
717
00:27:20,932 --> 00:27:23,977
- You know, when I was your age,
718
00:27:24,019 --> 00:27:26,688
I used to think my
ears were too big.
719
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,484
And then one day I saw
a picture in a magazine
720
00:27:31,526 --> 00:27:35,655
of a girl with a deformed
ear because her mother smoked
721
00:27:35,697 --> 00:27:37,407
while she was in the womb.
722
00:27:37,449 --> 00:27:39,284
It was awful.
723
00:27:39,325 --> 00:27:43,121
It was like a little
piece of popcorn.
724
00:27:43,163 --> 00:27:47,083
And then I realized
that maybe I had more
725
00:27:47,125 --> 00:27:50,420
to be grateful for than
I knew because at least I
726
00:27:50,462 --> 00:27:52,589
had both my ears.
727
00:27:53,298 --> 00:27:55,759
I think about that
girl in the magazine.
728
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:57,344
And I just...
729
00:27:57,385 --> 00:28:00,430
I hope somebody gave her a
job where she doesn't have
730
00:28:00,472 --> 00:28:03,016
to interact with the public.
731
00:28:03,058 --> 00:28:07,312
- That's fucked up,
like, all of it,
732
00:28:07,354 --> 00:28:09,230
every part of that story.
733
00:28:10,565 --> 00:28:15,028
- You are perfect
just the way you are.
734
00:28:15,070 --> 00:28:17,405
And I'm sure your
parents tell you that
735
00:28:17,447 --> 00:28:18,948
every day, don't they?
736
00:28:18,990 --> 00:28:20,909
- No, not really.
737
00:28:20,950 --> 00:28:22,827
They're just
obsessed with solving
738
00:28:22,869 --> 00:28:25,372
my brother's stupid murder.
739
00:28:25,413 --> 00:28:26,873
- Oh.
740
00:28:26,915 --> 00:28:28,792
- It's, like, you
have a daughter too.
741
00:28:30,168 --> 00:28:32,754
- Would you like
some chocolate milk?
742
00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:36,424
- No, I'm OK.
743
00:28:37,133 --> 00:28:39,803
You're a really nice
lady, Mrs. Bennett.
744
00:28:53,149 --> 00:28:56,403
- So I want to
hear all about it.
745
00:28:56,444 --> 00:28:58,214
- You would have been
wicked proud of her, Blaire.
746
00:28:58,238 --> 00:28:59,531
She did great.
- Yeah.
747
00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:01,425
I mean, I was having
trouble with a math problem.
748
00:29:01,449 --> 00:29:03,451
And then she converted the units
749
00:29:03,493 --> 00:29:04,744
into items from my street.
750
00:29:04,786 --> 00:29:06,037
And I got it.
751
00:29:06,079 --> 00:29:09,916
- It was a memorable experience.
752
00:29:09,958 --> 00:29:13,920
- God, Aunt Sus, I just have
to say, I am so proud of you.
753
00:29:13,962 --> 00:29:15,463
You've wanted this for decades.
754
00:29:15,505 --> 00:29:16,715
And it's finally yours.
755
00:29:16,756 --> 00:29:18,109
- By the way, I didn't
know that girl's brother
756
00:29:18,133 --> 00:29:19,634
was murdered when
I said that stuff.
757
00:29:19,676 --> 00:29:21,594
- I mean, really,
you stepped up.
758
00:29:21,636 --> 00:29:23,430
And you did it.
759
00:29:24,472 --> 00:29:26,599
- Yeah.
760
00:29:26,641 --> 00:29:28,351
- What's the matter?
761
00:29:29,227 --> 00:29:32,355
- Blaire, I'm not going back.
762
00:29:33,314 --> 00:29:35,483
- You're not?
763
00:29:35,525 --> 00:29:37,318
- No.
764
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:38,611
- Why?
765
00:29:38,653 --> 00:29:40,613
- It's just not for me.
766
00:29:40,655 --> 00:29:41,948
- Well, look.
767
00:29:41,990 --> 00:29:43,825
I'm sure there were a few bumps.
768
00:29:43,867 --> 00:29:45,577
But it's just your first day.
769
00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:48,496
Next time, it's going
to be even better.
770
00:29:48,538 --> 00:29:51,082
- Blaire, I'm not like you.
771
00:29:51,124 --> 00:29:54,294
You want something different
out of life than I do.
772
00:29:54,336 --> 00:29:56,588
Years ago, I wanted to teach.
773
00:29:56,629 --> 00:30:00,133
But somewhere along the line...
774
00:30:00,175 --> 00:30:03,219
well, it's different now.
775
00:30:03,261 --> 00:30:07,140
You know, I admire how
strong you are and...
776
00:30:07,182 --> 00:30:10,560
and what you want
from the world.
777
00:30:10,602 --> 00:30:12,854
But it's not who I am.
778
00:30:12,896 --> 00:30:15,357
I'm happy with my life.
779
00:30:15,398 --> 00:30:18,943
- But your life can't just
be about chocolate milk
780
00:30:18,985 --> 00:30:20,445
and Matty's stools.
781
00:30:20,487 --> 00:30:22,048
- You know, I'm just
putting it together now.
782
00:30:22,072 --> 00:30:24,175
But you think all the lactose
is maybe the reason he's so...
783
00:30:24,199 --> 00:30:27,035
- Oh, Blaire. I don't
see it that way at all.
784
00:30:27,077 --> 00:30:29,162
I mean, the best part
of my day was helping
785
00:30:29,204 --> 00:30:31,539
that girl with the nose job.
786
00:30:31,581 --> 00:30:34,668
- Oh, it's a terrible nose job.
- It's a terrible nose job.
787
00:30:34,709 --> 00:30:37,087
And I didn't want her
to feel badly about it.
788
00:30:37,128 --> 00:30:42,008
But just being there for
her made me feel so good.
789
00:30:42,050 --> 00:30:45,011
That's my special power, Blaire,
790
00:30:45,053 --> 00:30:48,014
helping people who need me.
791
00:30:48,056 --> 00:30:52,268
Making them happy is
what makes me happy.
792
00:30:52,310 --> 00:30:55,313
- I have to be honest, Aunt Sus.
793
00:30:55,355 --> 00:30:57,357
I don't understand how
that can be enough.
794
00:30:57,399 --> 00:30:58,692
I mean, you know
you can do both.
795
00:30:58,733 --> 00:31:00,735
- I don't want to.
796
00:31:00,777 --> 00:31:02,070
Oh, I'm so sorry.
797
00:31:02,112 --> 00:31:04,114
I didn't mean to yell.
798
00:31:04,989 --> 00:31:06,991
- No, it's OK.
799
00:31:07,033 --> 00:31:08,702
- Are you OK?
800
00:31:08,743 --> 00:31:11,287
- Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.
801
00:31:13,665 --> 00:31:15,375
Oh, Matty, you're limping.
802
00:31:15,417 --> 00:31:17,377
- Oh, my goddamn
gout's killing me.
803
00:31:17,419 --> 00:31:20,046
- Oh, no. You want
me to take a look?
804
00:31:20,088 --> 00:31:21,440
- No, no, no, no. You
don't want to see this.
805
00:31:21,464 --> 00:31:23,675
My big toe looks like a
frog holding his breath.
806
00:31:23,717 --> 00:31:26,720
- Well, last time it was
a cob of Indian corn.
807
00:31:26,761 --> 00:31:28,096
So it must be getting better.
808
00:31:28,138 --> 00:31:30,140
- Yeah, well, it hurts
like a shithouse.
809
00:31:30,181 --> 00:31:32,225
- Matty, why don't we go
upstairs to the bedroom,
810
00:31:32,267 --> 00:31:36,021
and you can show
me your toe, OK?
811
00:31:36,062 --> 00:31:37,522
- All right.
812
00:31:40,483 --> 00:31:42,485
Oh, so many steps.
813
00:31:42,527 --> 00:31:44,738
- I know.
814
00:31:51,661 --> 00:31:53,121
- I just want to
go on the record
815
00:31:53,163 --> 00:31:56,041
that I don't approve of
this kind of enabling.
816
00:31:56,082 --> 00:31:58,335
- Well, if this week
has taught us anything,
817
00:31:58,376 --> 00:32:00,587
it's that what matters
most is Blaire's approval.
818
00:32:00,628 --> 00:32:02,088
- Ha, hilarious.
819
00:32:02,130 --> 00:32:04,132
Fuck you.
- Yeah, smoke up.
820
00:32:05,050 --> 00:32:07,635
- It just bums me out, you know,
821
00:32:07,677 --> 00:32:09,804
that the women of Aunt
Susan's generation
822
00:32:09,846 --> 00:32:11,264
can be happy with so little.
823
00:32:11,306 --> 00:32:12,450
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
824
00:32:12,474 --> 00:32:14,184
I don't like those women either.
825
00:32:14,225 --> 00:32:16,269
They need to have
more ambition like us.
826
00:32:16,311 --> 00:32:18,021
- But you get what
I'm saying, right?
827
00:32:18,063 --> 00:32:20,190
I mean, people just
walk all over her.
828
00:32:20,231 --> 00:32:22,776
And she just smiles and
keeps on like vacuuming
829
00:32:22,817 --> 00:32:24,152
the fucking floor.
830
00:32:24,194 --> 00:32:26,529
- I mean, she kind of
told you to fuck off.
831
00:32:26,571 --> 00:32:29,324
- Yeah, I guess mission
accomplished, huh?
832
00:32:29,366 --> 00:32:31,701
- This is going to
be a thing, isn't it,
833
00:32:31,743 --> 00:32:33,036
the three of us getting high?
834
00:32:33,078 --> 00:32:35,622
- Yeah, it sure is.
- Yeah, enjoy your new life.
835
00:32:35,663 --> 00:32:37,665
- Fuck.
836
00:32:39,834 --> 00:32:42,504
- Remember when I
was a therapist?
837
00:32:48,968 --> 00:32:53,014
- ♪ Oh, you've got a head
full of someone dreadful ♪
838
00:32:53,056 --> 00:32:56,601
♪ And yet alas that
someone adores you ♪
839
00:32:57,769 --> 00:33:01,481
♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
840
00:33:01,523 --> 00:33:04,234
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
841
00:33:04,275 --> 00:33:07,570
♪ I'm just a clown ♪
842
00:33:07,612 --> 00:33:11,074
♪ And I'll bring you down ♪
843
00:33:11,116 --> 00:33:13,243
♪ But you just don't care ♪
844
00:33:13,284 --> 00:33:19,284
♪ 'Cause your best
friend is me ♪
61004
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