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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,637 --> 00:00:16,349 - ♪ My words are lazy, my thoughts are hazy ♪ 2 00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:19,477 ♪ But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪ 3 00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:23,189 ♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 4 00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:26,109 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 5 00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:31,698 - ♪ Night and party every day ♪ 6 00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:36,036 ♪ I wanna rock and roll all night ♪ 7 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:39,831 - Thanks, buddy. 8 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,876 - You know, I used to think the words to this song were, 9 00:00:42,917 --> 00:00:46,713 "I want to rock and roll all night and part of every day." 10 00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,757 Like... like, they're only going to rock and roll 11 00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:52,135 for, like, a portion of the day and also take time out 12 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,012 for things like meals and, you know, 13 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,680 time with family and children. 14 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:57,557 - There's a lot going on with this song, man. 15 00:00:57,599 --> 00:01:00,060 This is a rock and roll song about wanting 16 00:01:00,101 --> 00:01:02,812 to enjoy a rock and roll song. 17 00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:05,065 Does that actually make it a rock and roll song? 18 00:01:05,106 --> 00:01:06,500 - You know what, I'll do you one better. 19 00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:08,085 Ready to get mind fucked? - Give it to me. 20 00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:12,989 - The song the "Monster Mash" is a song about a dance called 21 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:14,908 the Monster Mash, which is based 22 00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:18,870 on a song called the "Monster Mash," which is not 23 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,247 the song the "Monster Mash." 24 00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:24,250 - Holy shit. - Yeah. 25 00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:25,919 - I don't want to be high anymore. 26 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:29,464 - Well, kids make all kinds of messes, don't they? 27 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:32,258 One time when he was eight, John stole 28 00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:34,177 a hot dog from the store. 29 00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,512 He put it in his pocket. 30 00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:38,098 And it went through the wash. 31 00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:39,474 No. 32 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,768 It came out in one piece. 33 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,687 Isn't that amazing? 34 00:01:43,728 --> 00:01:47,315 Oh, God was smiling on us that day. 35 00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:52,070 - Oh, for Christ's sakes. 36 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,613 Susan! 37 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,156 - Holy shit. 38 00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:56,658 Did we die? 39 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,576 - Yeah, I think... 40 00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:00,120 I think we died. 41 00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:02,038 - I'm sorry, Matty. 42 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,415 I plugged in the eggbeater. 43 00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:05,000 - Why are you using the eggbeater 44 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,185 when I'm watching "Star Search"? 45 00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:07,794 - I was making us brownies. 46 00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,855 - Now I'm not going to know who the new stars are going to be. 47 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,297 - Well, I don't have to finish them. 48 00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:12,841 I'll just throw the batter out. 49 00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:15,010 - Well, if you already started them, 50 00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:16,678 you might as well finish them. 51 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,972 - OK. 52 00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:21,099 - I gotta go reset the breaker. 53 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,976 Out of my way, Johnny. 54 00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:24,394 - Oh, my God. 55 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,855 They can see us. We must still be alive. 56 00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,065 - Oh, wow, a second chance. 57 00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:31,609 OK, this time, you be the cute one, and I'll be the hot one. 58 00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,194 - OK. 59 00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:53,465 - Breaker is busted. 60 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:54,799 - Oh, man. Really? 61 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,092 - Matty, is it all right? 62 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:57,552 - Oh, breaker is shot to hell. 63 00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:58,821 I'll have to call the guy in the morning. 64 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,014 - So we don't have power till tomorrow? 65 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,265 - Yes, Susan. 66 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:03,892 That's what a busted breaker means. 67 00:03:03,933 --> 00:03:06,436 - Well, this isn't so bad. 68 00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:10,148 We could light some candles, play some games, 69 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,276 maybe read aloud to each other from our favorite books. 70 00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,362 - Or we could take a Sharpie and circle 71 00:03:15,403 --> 00:03:16,946 the parts on each other's bodies 72 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,490 we think need improvement. 73 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:19,550 That sounds more fun. 74 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,034 - Shut up, you guys. 75 00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:22,410 Sus, yes. 76 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:23,661 That sounds like a great idea. 77 00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:25,705 Let's go find the games. - OK. 78 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,209 Be careful, Blaire. 79 00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:31,211 There's a gun down here somewhere. 80 00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,046 But I don't remember where it is. 81 00:03:33,088 --> 00:03:34,923 - That's comforting. 82 00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:36,383 - Let's see now. 83 00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:41,137 I think there's a Trivial Pursuit in one of these boxes. 84 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,847 - Why is the floor wet? 85 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,642 - I know, we're supposed to get that fixed. 86 00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:47,852 But I like to come down here during the summer 87 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,771 and cool my feet. 88 00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:55,026 Oh, my gosh. 89 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,570 Oh, sweetie. 90 00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:05,412 - Hey, all right. - Hey, there we go. 91 00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:07,914 - Box was working just fine. 92 00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,582 - Well, it wasn't when I was down there. 93 00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,918 I don't know what to tell you. - It's OK, honey. 94 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,754 We know you were scared of the spider. 95 00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,297 - What the fuck are you talking about? 96 00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:18,258 - There was a spider on the box. 97 00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:20,593 He's always been scared of the spiders. 98 00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:22,446 - Wait, you were just going to fucking let us sit here 99 00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:24,264 and read aloud from books? 100 00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:25,807 - Screw all of you. 101 00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,475 - Matty, why? 102 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,728 - I'm not scared of the goddamn spider, Susan. 103 00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,604 The breaker wasn't working. 104 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,023 I'm going down to Trammell's. 105 00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:36,609 - And he pulls the fucking ripcord, just like always. 106 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:38,486 - What the hell is that supposed to mean? 107 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,447 - Any time you're losing an argument, you leave. 108 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:41,614 You just walk out the door. 109 00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:43,491 - Matty, honey. You can't leave. 110 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,326 You haven't made stool yet today. 111 00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:46,828 - Jesus Christ, Susan. 112 00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,056 - Well, the doctor says if it's been more than two days, 113 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,206 you need to call him. 114 00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,459 - I did it yesterday. It was a good one. 115 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,919 - Like a mother hen crowing over her egg. 116 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,379 - You all watch this. 117 00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,965 When he comes back, everyone's going to apologize to him 118 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,735 because he's manipulating the circumstances to make it 119 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,427 seem like he's the victim. 120 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:03,928 - I'm sorry. 121 00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,197 I shouldn't have told them about the spiders. 122 00:05:05,221 --> 00:05:06,431 - No, see? - I'm so sorry. 123 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:07,616 - This is what I'm talking about, OK? 124 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:08,993 He's the one acting like a whining baby. 125 00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,393 He should be apologizing to you. 126 00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,228 - I shouldn't have embarrassed him, OK? 127 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,481 I think it's cute that you're scared of the spider. 128 00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,274 - I'm not scared of spiders! 129 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,817 - God, this is so fucked. 130 00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:20,195 This is just classic dysfunctional, fucked up, 131 00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:21,363 white trash marriage. 132 00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:23,323 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? 133 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,657 - What do you mean, what? 134 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,926 Your wife is trying to engage with you. 135 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,590 And you're dismissing her like an asshole. 136 00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:29,371 And you do it all the time. 137 00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:31,247 - Susan, am I an asshole? 138 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,166 - Oh, of course not, Matty. 139 00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:34,167 You're a veteran. 140 00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:35,585 - See? 141 00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,313 You think they'd send an asshole to Vietnam? 142 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,673 - Weren't you dishonorably discharged? 143 00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:42,592 - No, I wasn't dishonorably discharged 144 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,302 or honorably discharged. 145 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,762 - How the hell does that work? 146 00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:47,222 - Just exactly like I just said. 147 00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:49,349 - So the army basically said, it's not you. 148 00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:50,684 It's us. - That's right. 149 00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:52,161 - We're not sure we're ready to have anybody 150 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,103 in the army right now. 151 00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:54,562 - More or less. 152 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,207 - The army just wants to focus on the army for a while. 153 00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:57,691 - See? He gets it. 154 00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,984 - Aunt Sus, he is so fucking disrespectful to you. 155 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,653 And you never stick up for yourself. 156 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,905 I swear to God, you guys need marriage counseling. 157 00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,281 - Oh, fuck that. 158 00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:07,534 - What's the matter? Are you scared of therapy too? 159 00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:09,869 - Oh, shit. - Oh, it's on, fuckers. 160 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,539 - I'm not going to pay some shrink 80 bucks to sit there 161 00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,420 and show me inkblots that all look like priests 162 00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:16,084 with their dicks out. 163 00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:20,046 - Well, I think that's already progress. 164 00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:21,214 - Huh? 165 00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:22,841 - Look, I have a proposal. 166 00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,426 I've saved up a little money 167 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:26,177 working extra shifts at the coffee shop. 168 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,638 As my Christmas gift to you and Susan this year, 169 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,807 I will pay for one marriage counseling session. 170 00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:32,267 All you got to do is show up. 171 00:06:32,308 --> 00:06:35,061 - Oh, Matty, can we? 172 00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:37,272 - Jesus, Susan. 173 00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:38,773 What will we even talk about? 174 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,901 - Oh, we can talk about how much we love each other. 175 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:45,363 - OK. You know what? 176 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,823 Fine. 177 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,759 We'll go, just to show you that you're full of shit, 178 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,785 and Susan and I have a great marriage. 179 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,787 In fact, you know what, let's go right now. 180 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,081 It's not open at 9:00 p.m. 181 00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:57,083 - Oh. 182 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,627 And the bullshit begins. 183 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,681 - Now, of course, the most well-known singularity 184 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,434 in Frost poem is the repetition of, 185 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:15,977 "And miles to go before I sleep," 186 00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:18,772 which refers not to literal sleep but to death 187 00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,398 and the overwhelming... 188 00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,253 - Is there something you'd like to share 189 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,737 with the class, Miss Lyons? 190 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,948 - We were just wondering if your pants are big enough. 191 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,701 - Excuse me? 192 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,471 - It just seems like there's a little fashion 193 00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,038 emergency going on. 194 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,916 Did you get your pants from the lost and found? 195 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,546 - Yeah, these pants are a little big. 196 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,632 They were my dad's. 197 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:48,301 Why am I wearing my dead father's pants, you ask? 198 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:51,137 Because I've moved back in with my mother. 199 00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:54,557 My wife left me two weeks ago for a racquetball teacher. 200 00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,559 Happy now? - God, chill out. 201 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:57,894 It was a joke. 202 00:07:57,936 --> 00:08:00,105 - I'd love to chill out, Erin. 203 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,648 I really would. 204 00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:03,942 But you know what, life has other plans for me. 205 00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:06,945 My wife says he makes eye contact 206 00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:08,321 with her when they make love. 207 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:12,283 With me, it's either eye contact or an erection. 208 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,910 You have to choose one. 209 00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:17,789 And silly me, I thought the right choice was the erection. 210 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,417 Well, I had a 50/50 shot, didn't I? 211 00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:23,294 Turns out she wants eye contact. 212 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,964 And now that I've moved back in with Mother, 213 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:29,509 I have to masturbate into the toilet because my bed squeaks. 214 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,344 Of course, if you ask my ex-wife, 215 00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:35,306 the toilet is where Mr. George's sperm belongs. 216 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,517 Now there's a joke, Erin. 217 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,769 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 218 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:45,150 - Mr. George, can we have a talk in my office? 219 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:50,822 - Gee, I wonder what this is about. 220 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:55,660 Everyone, please read pages 81 to 96. 221 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,954 I'm kidding. I don't give a shit. 222 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,459 - I think that's enough emotional trauma for the day. 223 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,419 Why don't you kids go home early? 224 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,882 - Man, that was insane, huh? 225 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,800 - Yeah. Those cheerleaders are mean. 226 00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:13,636 - That's... that's what you got from that? 227 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,072 - Well, at least we got the afternoon off. 228 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:17,057 - Street hockey? - Street hockey. 229 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:17,932 - Fuck yeah. 230 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,309 - All right, this is it, baby. 231 00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:21,311 You're going down. - Yeah, fuck you, Bobby Orr. 232 00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:23,480 Take your best shot. 233 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,023 Oh! 234 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,359 And Bennett chokes in the final seconds of the game. 235 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,235 This is an absolute disgrace. 236 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:30,362 - Ah, shit. 237 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,922 - Look at the disappointed faces on all 238 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,157 these Make-A-Wish kids who only wanted 239 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,533 to see a Bruins victory. 240 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,743 - Teddy... 241 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:38,203 - This is a stunning upset fueling 242 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,580 an anger the fans will no doubt take out on their wives. 243 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,600 And I got to say, Don... - Shut the fuck up, all right? 244 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:45,502 I got to ask you something. - What? 245 00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,712 - Do you think Blaire is right? 246 00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,923 Like, do my parents have a fucked up marriage? 247 00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:52,467 - Well, that's one of those tough to answer questions, 248 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:55,887 Johnny, like where did you find Teddy bear sized hockey gear? 249 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,138 I just don't know. 250 00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,932 - And if they are having problems, 251 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,558 is any of it my fault? 252 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,810 I mean, what can I do? 253 00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:03,269 - Well, I'm just brainstorming. 254 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,313 But it seems like, maybe, hurting yourself 255 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,439 could teach him a lesson. 256 00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,274 - Gee, I never thought of that. 257 00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,776 Then I'd be in charge of the pain. 258 00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,945 - Exactly. - Only I know what I deserve. 259 00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,780 And I'd give myself just that much. 260 00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:15,365 - Yeah, you know, I'm just now starting 261 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:16,741 to see some cracks in this. 262 00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,794 - Hey, how'd it go? 263 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,134 - I paid 80 bucks for that session, 264 00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:35,719 and you just fucking walked out? 265 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,762 - That quack had it in for me the second I 266 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,097 walked in that door. 267 00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,533 You know what he said? You know what he said? 268 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:41,641 He said I'm selfish. 269 00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:42,892 - Oh, shocker. 270 00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:44,328 - Yeah, he said, I need to compromise more. 271 00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,062 Can you believe that fucking shit? 272 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:49,357 I'm working a 60-hour week just to keep a roof over our heads. 273 00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:51,234 - He does work a lot. 274 00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:52,902 - See? Even she gets it. 275 00:10:52,944 --> 00:10:55,155 Everything I do, I do it for you. 276 00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:57,115 - Wait, so you're saying, you can't tell me 277 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,950 it's not worth trying for. 278 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,827 - Exactly. - Like, I can't help it. 279 00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,996 There's nothing I want more. - See? 280 00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:04,289 You know it's true. 281 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:05,373 - Oh, my God. 282 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,684 - Shit, I can't believe he said it. 283 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:07,709 - Oh, fucking amazing. 284 00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:08,877 - What? 285 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,211 - It's Bryan Adams. 286 00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:12,088 Oh, what a treat. What a treat. 287 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,049 - Matty, the whole point of this was 288 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,343 for you to get a neutral perspective on your marriage. 289 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,761 - He was not neutral. 290 00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,030 He agreed with everything she said. 291 00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:20,489 And he took a shit on everything I said. 292 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,057 - So let me get this straight. 293 00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:24,201 So no one's neutral unless they agree with you all the time. 294 00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:25,226 Got it. 295 00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:26,853 - The guy's a Harvard fancy pants. 296 00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:29,272 He doesn't understand regular guys. 297 00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:31,441 The bartender down at Trammell's always 298 00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:32,734 thinks I'm right. 299 00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,527 In fact, he just said to me last night, 300 00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:36,780 "You've made your point. You can go home now." 301 00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,032 - OK. So let's figure this out. 302 00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:42,327 If Dr. Feldstein's not neutral, then who would be? 303 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,871 Who would you accept as a neutral arbiter? 304 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:47,207 - Someone with no fucking agenda. 305 00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:51,378 Like Ted. 306 00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:52,712 - Ted? 307 00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,256 - Yeah, he's an even guy, minds his own business. 308 00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:56,758 He's neutral. 309 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,552 - That's an interesting idea. 310 00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,721 So you'd accept Ted as a neutral arbiter? 311 00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:02,972 - Absolutely. 312 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:05,475 - Fuck it. What do you say, Ted? 313 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:06,851 - About what? 314 00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:08,603 Sorry. I was doing these Mad Libs. 315 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:12,732 Four score and seven cocks ago. 316 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,085 - That's better than the real one. 317 00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,568 - Focus. 318 00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:17,904 Would you be willing to listen to Susan and Matty's sides 319 00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:19,823 and then make an objective judgment call? 320 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,908 - What do you mean, like a... like a therapist? 321 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,869 - Not therapy, just listening. 322 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:26,121 - Oh, Blaire. 323 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,498 It's all right if he doesn't want to. 324 00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:30,041 I can just watch "Oprah." 325 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,794 And maybe they'll have a topic that applies to me. 326 00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:36,589 - Will you do it? 327 00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:39,300 - Well, in the words of Abraham Lincoln, 328 00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:43,096 a diarrhea divided against itself cannot John's wiener. 329 00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:44,848 - Oh, come on, man. Don't put that. 330 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,891 - OK. I'll erase it. 331 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,772 - You know, the suit wasn't necessary. 332 00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:53,940 - Blaire, please. 333 00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,442 Johnny is my best friend. 334 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:56,901 He's got a stake in this. 335 00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,129 So if I'm doing it, I'm doing it right. 336 00:12:58,153 --> 00:13:00,697 Now let's start with the basics. 337 00:13:00,739 --> 00:13:02,490 Would you classify your marriage 338 00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,200 as sexually satisfying? 339 00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:05,493 - What? 340 00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,375 - How often would you say you have intercourse? 341 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,889 - That's none of your goddamn business. 342 00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,498 - Look, why don't we just stick... 343 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:14,669 - Every six months. - Every six months. 344 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:15,837 And what about anal? 345 00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:17,297 - Dude, seriously. - Jesus Christ. 346 00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:19,341 - We do like the room to be clean. 347 00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:20,717 Yeah. 348 00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,218 - She said, yes. 349 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:23,386 Hilarious. 350 00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:25,388 OK, now I want you to turn to each other 351 00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:27,599 and say the meanest thing you can think of. 352 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,976 - Ted, why don't you ask them something 353 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:33,146 productive like how they met, 354 00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:35,607 what originally drew them to each other? 355 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,317 - All right. 356 00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:40,528 Matty, what originally attracted you to Susan? 357 00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:45,950 - Her innocence. 358 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,495 - Oh, OK. 359 00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:49,537 - What? 360 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,498 - I thought... 361 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,833 I already wrote it's... 362 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:54,918 it's fine. 363 00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,670 Susan. 364 00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:57,837 - His heart. 365 00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,339 - His heart. 366 00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:02,384 - When Matty and I first met, 367 00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:05,845 he bought us tickets to see Simon & Garfunkel. 368 00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:07,430 It was a Friday. 369 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,849 And he'd been working since 6:00 a.m. 370 00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:11,893 Poor Matty was so tired. 371 00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:13,978 - Well, if there's any cure for being tired, 372 00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,188 it's Simon & Garfunkel. 373 00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:17,357 - We'd never seen them up close. 374 00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:20,151 So when we got there, Matty realized 375 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,153 that Garfunkel was a man. 376 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,572 So we had to leave. - Wait, why? 377 00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,908 - Two men shouldn't be singing harmony. 378 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,743 - Dad, I thought you liked Hall & Oates? 379 00:14:28,785 --> 00:14:30,370 - That's different. - Why? 380 00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:31,788 - Because they sing in unison. 381 00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:33,790 Or they take turns, one and then the other one. 382 00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,000 That's OK. 383 00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,876 - What about Crosby, Stills & Nash? 384 00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:38,211 - They're all right for now. 385 00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,547 But I'm keeping my eye on them. 386 00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,215 You're a complicated man. 387 00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,342 - I'm still waiting for the heart part. 388 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,845 - Well, we got in the car. 389 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,098 And Matty drove home, and he got his record player. 390 00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,225 And he took me to Boston Common. 391 00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:55,186 And we had a picnic on the lawn while we 392 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,147 listened to Sonny & Cher. 393 00:14:57,188 --> 00:14:59,399 And he bought me a rose. 394 00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:03,194 And he danced with me right there on the grass. 395 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,113 You remember that? - Of course I do. 396 00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:07,949 - Matty, you did that? 397 00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:08,992 - Yeah. 398 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,660 It was beautiful. 399 00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:13,079 She was this wicked smart college girl. 400 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:15,749 And I wanted to impress her. 401 00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:17,500 See? I'm a good guy. 402 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,210 That prick fuck shrink was way off. 403 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,587 So fuck everybody. 404 00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:22,255 - Mom, I didn't know you went to college. 405 00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:23,882 - Yeah, me neither. 406 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,050 What did you study? 407 00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,927 - Well, I was going to teach. 408 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,763 - You were going to be a teacher? 409 00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,264 Susan, that's amazing. 410 00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:32,682 - I'd gotten my credentials. 411 00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:35,852 And I was all ready to apply for a job. 412 00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:38,646 And then I got married. 413 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:40,565 - Why couldn't you do both? 414 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,026 - Well, it just didn't seem practical 415 00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:46,529 with the groceries and the laundry. 416 00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,132 - Well, I mean, have you ever thought of going back to it? 417 00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:49,783 I think you'd be great. 418 00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,576 - Oh, no, no. 419 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,037 That was a long time ago. No, I couldn't. 420 00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,623 - Susan, I really think you could do this. 421 00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:58,667 - Jesus! She said she's not interested. 422 00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,377 - Should I make some chocolate milk? 423 00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:01,437 - Oh, yeah. Chocolate milk. 424 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,296 - Chocolate milk. - No, Susan. 425 00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:04,798 For God's sake. - Therapy over. 426 00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:05,900 We're doing chocolate milk now. 427 00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:07,425 - Guys, come on. 428 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,487 This woman does everything for all of us in this house. 429 00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:11,429 And nobody ever does a goddamn thing for her. 430 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,014 And now she's sitting here telling us 431 00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:14,224 something that's important. 432 00:16:14,265 --> 00:16:15,701 - That's horse shit. I do a ton of stuff. 433 00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:16,976 - You? 434 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,353 What do you do for Susan? 435 00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:21,022 - I pay for everything she owns and eats. 436 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:22,583 - OK, how about we all just sit with what 437 00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:25,068 Matty just said, while Susan gets on that chocolate milk? 438 00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:27,320 - I'll get that for you. 439 00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:30,907 - Well, I think I just proved my point 440 00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:32,701 that this marriage is perfect. 441 00:16:34,703 --> 00:16:36,996 - Yeesh, I couldn't say this in front of them. 442 00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,998 But they were both clearly molested. 443 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,959 - Guys, believe it or not, 444 00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:42,627 I think we did great. 445 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,212 - Really? - Yeah. 446 00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:47,632 We just found out Susan has no identity outside this family. 447 00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:49,676 I mean, she's a wife. She's a mother. 448 00:16:49,718 --> 00:16:50,927 But that's it. 449 00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:52,512 She could be so much more. 450 00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:54,848 And it's so obvious that deep down, she wants to be. 451 00:16:54,889 --> 00:16:57,517 - You got all that from her saying she does anal? 452 00:16:57,559 --> 00:16:59,394 Man, you should be the pretend therapist. 453 00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:00,812 - I mean, I hear you, Blaire. 454 00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,106 But what are we supposed to do? 455 00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:04,566 - I don't know yet. 456 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:07,318 But somehow, we got to help her find her voice. 457 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,879 I mean, we're the only ones that can do it. 458 00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,196 - Couldn't agree more, Blaire. 459 00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,741 Delusional narcissist. 460 00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:14,242 - Excuse me? 461 00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:17,328 - Note to self, stop saying what you write. 462 00:17:32,427 --> 00:17:34,554 - God, look at her. 463 00:17:34,596 --> 00:17:36,348 She's so fucking hot. - Yeah. 464 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,682 Too bad she's a bitch. 465 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,267 - I don't even care. 466 00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,162 She could treat me like crap. I'd still let her jerk me off. 467 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:42,729 - Oh, you should tell her, Johnny. 468 00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:44,582 I'm sure she'd love to hear it. - All right, fuck you, man. 469 00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:46,816 - No, really, what a feather in her cap. 470 00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:48,753 - Hey, I'm just saying, hypothetically, if she asked, 471 00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,111 I would say yes. 472 00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:51,589 - That's what she's telling her friend right now. 473 00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:54,157 She's saying, see that kid over there in Lee jeans? 474 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,368 I want to bring him to climax. 475 00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,078 But will he let me? 476 00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,371 - Hey, guys. 477 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,498 - Oh, hey, Andrew. Hey, Polly. 478 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:02,641 - Did you hear what happened to Mr. George? 479 00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,793 - No, what? - He got fired. 480 00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:06,336 - No shit. Why? 481 00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:07,855 - They caught him in the faculty lounge 482 00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:09,255 screaming at his own dick. 483 00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:10,924 - Oh, that's what that was. 484 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:13,259 Yeah, I heard yelling coming out of there yesterday. 485 00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:15,303 - You're not going to let me fuck? 486 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:18,431 I'm not going to let you pee! 487 00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,809 - Well, do they have someone to replace him? 488 00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:21,935 - I don't know. 489 00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:24,104 I think they're trying to find a sub. 490 00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:25,897 - Teddy. - What? 491 00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,358 - They're looking for a sub. - Yeah, so? 492 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,943 - So what about Mom? 493 00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,152 - Susan? 494 00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:33,238 - Yeah. Why not? 495 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:34,465 I mean, you remember what Blaire said, 496 00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:36,116 no one ever does anything for her. 497 00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:37,534 - I mean, yeah. 498 00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:39,786 But you really want your mother teaching your class? 499 00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,597 I mean, you remember what happened to Todd Greene? 500 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,456 He yelled goodbye to his mother. 501 00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:45,709 And now he's got to eat lunch with the janitor. 502 00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,085 - I don't care. 503 00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:48,354 - People are shitting in his desk. 504 00:18:48,378 --> 00:18:49,605 - Look, Teddy. We got to at least try. 505 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,172 Let's go talk to the principal. 506 00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:56,052 - Well, I have to admit, 507 00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:58,638 we're in a bit of a bind here. 508 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,891 Does Mrs. Bennett have any prior teaching experience? 509 00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:05,061 - Well, no, but she's got all her credentials. 510 00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,312 - I see. 511 00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:07,498 - Oh, she's the one who taught me how 512 00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:08,857 to use the bathroom by myself. 513 00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:10,400 - Yeah, last August, right? 514 00:19:10,442 --> 00:19:11,484 - Oh, shut up, man. 515 00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:12,652 Fuck you. - All right, man. 516 00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:14,171 - What's that? - I don't fucking know. 517 00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:15,613 - Do you know if your mother would 518 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,323 be willing to take this on for what 519 00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:18,992 may be an indefinite period? 520 00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:21,661 - I mean, she has always wanted to be a teacher. 521 00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:23,347 She just couldn't because she had to do laundry. 522 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:24,557 - There's a lot of laundry so... 523 00:19:24,581 --> 00:19:26,666 - I know she'd do a wicked good job. 524 00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:28,126 - OK, listen. How about this? 525 00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:29,502 You hire her. 526 00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:31,838 And the next time there's an anti-drug assembly, 527 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:35,800 and they ask for questions, I will ask a question. 528 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,236 - Teddy, don't. What, are you crazy? 529 00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,428 - Quiet, John, quiet. 530 00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:41,973 I will ask a question of the speaker. 531 00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:45,685 - No one has ever asked a question at assembly. 532 00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:47,520 - I will ask one. 533 00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:49,439 - A real question? - Yes. 534 00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:51,900 Not like a, can we see your nipple, kind of question, 535 00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,193 like, a real one. 536 00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:55,236 - Like, how can I help ensure 537 00:19:55,278 --> 00:19:57,030 my school remains drug-free? 538 00:19:57,072 --> 00:20:01,368 - Like, who should I tell if I suspect a peer is on drugs? 539 00:20:01,409 --> 00:20:03,453 - Good God. - Teddy, no, no. 540 00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:04,513 - Shut up, John. - It's not worth it. 541 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,289 - Shut up. This is for Susan! 542 00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,708 - You have your deal. 543 00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,919 And may God have mercy on your soul. 544 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,588 Now get out of this office before I kick your ass myself. 545 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,191 - Yes, ma'am, thank you. - Thank you, thank you so much. 546 00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:16,758 - Thank you. 547 00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:20,595 - God, I love this job. 548 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:30,271 ♪ And that's the monster mash ♪ 549 00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:33,108 - What do you think? Is it a hit? 550 00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:34,859 - I just told you. 551 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,754 There's already a song called the "Monster Mash." 552 00:20:36,778 --> 00:20:37,987 - Oh, no, Blaire. Jesus Christ. 553 00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:39,531 Look at the diagram again. 554 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,826 So this song the "Monster Mash" was inspired by this dance 555 00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:44,244 the Monster Mash. 556 00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:45,787 But the song the "Monster Mash," 557 00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:48,498 which is about the dance the Monster Mash, 558 00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:51,626 which was inspired by the song the "Monster Mash" 559 00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:54,421 is not the song the "Monster Mash," all right? 560 00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:56,965 That song does not exist in our universe. 561 00:20:57,007 --> 00:21:00,260 - Ever since 1962, we have been living in the outer circle. 562 00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:01,678 And we don't even know it. 563 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,264 Teddy and I have written the song the "Monster Mash"... 564 00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:07,058 - Which will take our reality to the innermost circle 565 00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,519 for the first time in the history of the cosmos. 566 00:21:09,561 --> 00:21:11,855 - All we need is $2,000 for studio time. 567 00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:13,732 - I'll save you the time right now. 568 00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:16,276 Nobody in 1993 is going to give a shit about a song 569 00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:17,277 called the "Monster Mash." 570 00:21:17,318 --> 00:21:18,611 - Why not? 571 00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:20,030 - Because all the good music now 572 00:21:20,071 --> 00:21:22,657 is about shit that matters, people with real stories. 573 00:21:22,699 --> 00:21:24,325 I mean, don't you guys listen to hip-hop? 574 00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:25,869 - OK, OK, how about this? 575 00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:29,164 Both: ♪ And that's the monster mash ♪ 576 00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:31,416 - ♪ It's hard being Black ♪ 577 00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:32,917 - John. 578 00:21:32,959 --> 00:21:34,085 - Hey, Mom. 579 00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:36,254 - I just got a call from the principal. 580 00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,922 - Really? 581 00:21:37,964 --> 00:21:41,134 - They want me to take over for Mr. George. 582 00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:42,135 - They do? 583 00:21:42,177 --> 00:21:43,595 - Yeah. 584 00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:46,139 And, John, they said it was your idea. 585 00:21:46,181 --> 00:21:47,974 Is that true? 586 00:21:48,016 --> 00:21:49,142 - Are you mad? 587 00:21:49,184 --> 00:21:51,311 - No, no. 588 00:21:51,353 --> 00:21:53,688 I'm just overwhelmed. 589 00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:55,190 - Well, you're going to do it, right? 590 00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:57,400 - Well, I don't know. 591 00:21:57,442 --> 00:21:58,693 - Oh, my God. 592 00:21:58,735 --> 00:22:00,904 You have to say yes. This is your chance. 593 00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:03,490 - Well, if I'm working, then who's going to let the mailman 594 00:22:03,531 --> 00:22:05,158 in to use the bathroom? 595 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,576 - Listen to me. 596 00:22:06,618 --> 00:22:10,538 This is about you doing something for yourself. 597 00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:11,956 - Well, if it's what you want. 598 00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:14,542 - No, Jesus. It's not about me. 599 00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,252 It's about what you want. 600 00:22:16,294 --> 00:22:18,129 This was your dream. I mean, come on. 601 00:22:18,171 --> 00:22:20,840 You got to give yourself a chance to see it through. 602 00:22:20,882 --> 00:22:23,677 - You're not embarrassed to have your mother 603 00:22:23,718 --> 00:22:25,136 teaching your class? 604 00:22:25,178 --> 00:22:27,222 - I already walk around school with my Teddy bear. 605 00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:28,515 I think I'll be fine. 606 00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:31,059 - Oh, John. 607 00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:33,770 Thank you. - OK, oh, God. 608 00:22:33,812 --> 00:22:36,815 Oh, Jesus, Ma. - Thank you so much. 609 00:22:36,856 --> 00:22:41,528 Oh, I'm so excited. I'm all flushed. 610 00:22:41,569 --> 00:22:44,489 I'm going to go stand in the basement water. 611 00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:50,078 - John, you did that for her? 612 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,205 - Well, yeah. 613 00:22:52,247 --> 00:22:54,791 You know, you said nobody ever does anything for her so... 614 00:22:54,833 --> 00:22:56,918 - Yeah, you know, we're not all about smoking weed 615 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,295 and scouring the beaches of the world 616 00:22:59,337 --> 00:23:00,755 looking for the perfect wave. 617 00:23:00,797 --> 00:23:02,090 We care. 618 00:23:02,132 --> 00:23:04,551 - It's increasingly possible that the two of you 619 00:23:04,592 --> 00:23:07,387 might not be total fuck-ups. 620 00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:10,306 - I'm OK! 621 00:23:10,348 --> 00:23:11,599 I'm OK. 622 00:23:11,641 --> 00:23:13,226 - Susan, get out of the basement! 623 00:23:13,268 --> 00:23:15,603 I'm watching TV. 624 00:23:40,837 --> 00:23:43,882 Good morning, everyone. 625 00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,091 Hi. 626 00:23:45,133 --> 00:23:47,677 I'm your substitute teacher, Mrs. Bennett. 627 00:23:47,719 --> 00:23:49,429 - Fuck yeah. Great start. 628 00:23:49,471 --> 00:23:52,766 I'm a little new at this. 629 00:23:52,807 --> 00:23:55,602 So I hope you'll be patient with me. 630 00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:58,188 I was told you're studying American poets 631 00:23:58,229 --> 00:24:00,065 of the early 20th century. 632 00:24:00,106 --> 00:24:01,608 Is that right? 633 00:24:05,070 --> 00:24:06,571 - Yeah, yeah. That's right. 634 00:24:06,613 --> 00:24:07,614 - OK. 635 00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:08,948 Now let's see. 636 00:24:08,990 --> 00:24:13,536 It looks like Mr. George left off with T.S. Eliot. 637 00:24:13,578 --> 00:24:15,872 Yeah? 638 00:24:15,914 --> 00:24:20,251 OK, well, you know, I have a very special place 639 00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:22,504 in my heart for T.S. Eliot. 640 00:24:22,545 --> 00:24:25,965 He wrote those wonderful poems about cats. 641 00:24:26,007 --> 00:24:28,635 And when I was a little girl, whenever I'd get sick 642 00:24:28,677 --> 00:24:30,845 and I'd stay home in bed, 643 00:24:30,887 --> 00:24:32,639 my mother would read me those poems. 644 00:24:32,681 --> 00:24:34,557 They always made me feel better. 645 00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:39,646 Did I say something funny? 646 00:24:39,688 --> 00:24:42,982 - You're saying you're a cat lady? 647 00:24:43,024 --> 00:24:44,734 - Yes, yes. 648 00:24:44,776 --> 00:24:46,861 I guess I am a cat lady. 649 00:24:46,903 --> 00:24:49,114 - Well, that explains the blouse. 650 00:24:49,155 --> 00:24:50,990 - The blouse? 651 00:24:51,032 --> 00:24:52,283 Does it look OK? 652 00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:53,785 - Yeah, it looks great. 653 00:24:53,827 --> 00:24:55,995 Actually, my grandma has curtains in her bathroom. 654 00:24:56,037 --> 00:24:57,890 And I think that they might be the same pattern. 655 00:24:57,914 --> 00:25:00,834 - Oh, what a funny coincidence. 656 00:25:00,875 --> 00:25:02,335 - Leave her alone, Erin. - Yeah. 657 00:25:02,377 --> 00:25:03,795 Some of us are here to learn. 658 00:25:03,837 --> 00:25:06,131 - Aren't you the guy who asked the question at assembly? 659 00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:07,858 - A lot of people wanted to know about the long-term 660 00:25:07,882 --> 00:25:09,259 side effects of drugs. 661 00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:12,053 - Mrs. Bennett, did you pick out the blouse yourself? 662 00:25:12,095 --> 00:25:13,722 - Yeah. 663 00:25:14,848 --> 00:25:18,018 "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats." 664 00:25:18,059 --> 00:25:20,353 - Did you pick out the skirt yourself too? 665 00:25:20,395 --> 00:25:21,604 - I did. 666 00:25:21,646 --> 00:25:22,957 Is there something wrong with my skirt? 667 00:25:22,981 --> 00:25:25,358 - I mean, not unless you're someone who thinks 668 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,278 Marshalls is too pricey. 669 00:25:28,319 --> 00:25:30,030 - Hey, Erin. 670 00:25:30,071 --> 00:25:31,448 Hi. Ted. 671 00:25:31,489 --> 00:25:33,426 We've never officially talked. But I know your work. 672 00:25:33,450 --> 00:25:35,618 Listen, I think Susan's doing a terrific job. 673 00:25:35,660 --> 00:25:36,995 So I figured this is a good time 674 00:25:37,037 --> 00:25:38,717 to tell you, we all know about the nose job 675 00:25:38,747 --> 00:25:39,706 you had last year. 676 00:25:39,748 --> 00:25:41,041 You didn't fool anybody. 677 00:25:41,082 --> 00:25:42,643 Because we all remember before the surgery 678 00:25:42,667 --> 00:25:44,419 when you tried to kiss Danny Santucci, 679 00:25:44,461 --> 00:25:45,920 and you poked his eye out. 680 00:25:45,962 --> 00:25:48,006 Also, and everybody in town knows this except you. 681 00:25:48,048 --> 00:25:50,592 Your dad is really your uncle, which may have subconsciously 682 00:25:50,633 --> 00:25:52,903 fucked you up and caused you eating disorder, which is also 683 00:25:52,927 --> 00:25:54,363 no secret because everybody's heard you 684 00:25:54,387 --> 00:25:55,555 throwing up in the bathroom. 685 00:25:55,597 --> 00:25:56,907 And also, I recently found out you're 686 00:25:56,931 --> 00:25:58,492 a virgin, which is interesting, because you've 687 00:25:58,516 --> 00:25:59,809 been lying about that too. 688 00:25:59,851 --> 00:26:01,811 So I hope you do give your boyfriend fellatio 689 00:26:01,853 --> 00:26:03,080 because at least then there's something 690 00:26:03,104 --> 00:26:04,540 going down your throat besides your finger. 691 00:26:04,564 --> 00:26:06,024 That about cover it? 692 00:26:11,696 --> 00:26:13,948 - Jesus Christ, Teddy. 693 00:26:13,990 --> 00:26:15,075 - Sorry. 694 00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:16,743 We don't do enough for Susan at home. 695 00:26:16,785 --> 00:26:18,870 So I felt obligated to say those things. 696 00:26:27,962 --> 00:26:30,215 - Well, go ahead, Susan. 697 00:26:30,256 --> 00:26:33,259 - Well, go ahead and read 698 00:26:33,301 --> 00:26:35,720 "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." 699 00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:37,764 I'll be right back. 700 00:26:38,765 --> 00:26:40,767 - You know, before Mrs. B., I didn't 701 00:26:40,809 --> 00:26:42,310 care nothing about reading. 702 00:26:42,352 --> 00:26:44,062 But she opened my eyes. 703 00:26:44,104 --> 00:26:46,981 These poems really are just like rap songs. 704 00:26:49,609 --> 00:26:51,778 - Oh, sweetie. 705 00:26:51,820 --> 00:26:52,946 Are you OK? 706 00:26:52,987 --> 00:26:55,782 - I'm a total fucking loser! 707 00:26:55,824 --> 00:26:57,242 - Oh, honey. 708 00:26:57,283 --> 00:26:58,785 No, no, you're not. 709 00:26:58,827 --> 00:27:01,204 You're a very special girl. 710 00:27:01,246 --> 00:27:02,497 I just know it. 711 00:27:02,539 --> 00:27:04,207 - I'm a fucking disaster. 712 00:27:04,249 --> 00:27:06,835 My whole life is an absolute fucking mess. 713 00:27:06,876 --> 00:27:08,795 - You're 16. 714 00:27:08,837 --> 00:27:11,798 Your life hasn't even started yet. 715 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:15,677 You can still be anyone you want to be. 716 00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:19,681 - I'm sorry I was such a bitch. 717 00:27:20,932 --> 00:27:23,977 - You know, when I was your age, 718 00:27:24,019 --> 00:27:26,688 I used to think my ears were too big. 719 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,484 And then one day I saw a picture in a magazine 720 00:27:31,526 --> 00:27:35,655 of a girl with a deformed ear because her mother smoked 721 00:27:35,697 --> 00:27:37,407 while she was in the womb. 722 00:27:37,449 --> 00:27:39,284 It was awful. 723 00:27:39,325 --> 00:27:43,121 It was like a little piece of popcorn. 724 00:27:43,163 --> 00:27:47,083 And then I realized that maybe I had more 725 00:27:47,125 --> 00:27:50,420 to be grateful for than I knew because at least I 726 00:27:50,462 --> 00:27:52,589 had both my ears. 727 00:27:53,298 --> 00:27:55,759 I think about that girl in the magazine. 728 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:57,344 And I just... 729 00:27:57,385 --> 00:28:00,430 I hope somebody gave her a job where she doesn't have 730 00:28:00,472 --> 00:28:03,016 to interact with the public. 731 00:28:03,058 --> 00:28:07,312 - That's fucked up, like, all of it, 732 00:28:07,354 --> 00:28:09,230 every part of that story. 733 00:28:10,565 --> 00:28:15,028 - You are perfect just the way you are. 734 00:28:15,070 --> 00:28:17,405 And I'm sure your parents tell you that 735 00:28:17,447 --> 00:28:18,948 every day, don't they? 736 00:28:18,990 --> 00:28:20,909 - No, not really. 737 00:28:20,950 --> 00:28:22,827 They're just obsessed with solving 738 00:28:22,869 --> 00:28:25,372 my brother's stupid murder. 739 00:28:25,413 --> 00:28:26,873 - Oh. 740 00:28:26,915 --> 00:28:28,792 - It's, like, you have a daughter too. 741 00:28:30,168 --> 00:28:32,754 - Would you like some chocolate milk? 742 00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:36,424 - No, I'm OK. 743 00:28:37,133 --> 00:28:39,803 You're a really nice lady, Mrs. Bennett. 744 00:28:53,149 --> 00:28:56,403 - So I want to hear all about it. 745 00:28:56,444 --> 00:28:58,214 - You would have been wicked proud of her, Blaire. 746 00:28:58,238 --> 00:28:59,531 She did great. - Yeah. 747 00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:01,425 I mean, I was having trouble with a math problem. 748 00:29:01,449 --> 00:29:03,451 And then she converted the units 749 00:29:03,493 --> 00:29:04,744 into items from my street. 750 00:29:04,786 --> 00:29:06,037 And I got it. 751 00:29:06,079 --> 00:29:09,916 - It was a memorable experience. 752 00:29:09,958 --> 00:29:13,920 - God, Aunt Sus, I just have to say, I am so proud of you. 753 00:29:13,962 --> 00:29:15,463 You've wanted this for decades. 754 00:29:15,505 --> 00:29:16,715 And it's finally yours. 755 00:29:16,756 --> 00:29:18,109 - By the way, I didn't know that girl's brother 756 00:29:18,133 --> 00:29:19,634 was murdered when I said that stuff. 757 00:29:19,676 --> 00:29:21,594 - I mean, really, you stepped up. 758 00:29:21,636 --> 00:29:23,430 And you did it. 759 00:29:24,472 --> 00:29:26,599 - Yeah. 760 00:29:26,641 --> 00:29:28,351 - What's the matter? 761 00:29:29,227 --> 00:29:32,355 - Blaire, I'm not going back. 762 00:29:33,314 --> 00:29:35,483 - You're not? 763 00:29:35,525 --> 00:29:37,318 - No. 764 00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:38,611 - Why? 765 00:29:38,653 --> 00:29:40,613 - It's just not for me. 766 00:29:40,655 --> 00:29:41,948 - Well, look. 767 00:29:41,990 --> 00:29:43,825 I'm sure there were a few bumps. 768 00:29:43,867 --> 00:29:45,577 But it's just your first day. 769 00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:48,496 Next time, it's going to be even better. 770 00:29:48,538 --> 00:29:51,082 - Blaire, I'm not like you. 771 00:29:51,124 --> 00:29:54,294 You want something different out of life than I do. 772 00:29:54,336 --> 00:29:56,588 Years ago, I wanted to teach. 773 00:29:56,629 --> 00:30:00,133 But somewhere along the line... 774 00:30:00,175 --> 00:30:03,219 well, it's different now. 775 00:30:03,261 --> 00:30:07,140 You know, I admire how strong you are and... 776 00:30:07,182 --> 00:30:10,560 and what you want from the world. 777 00:30:10,602 --> 00:30:12,854 But it's not who I am. 778 00:30:12,896 --> 00:30:15,357 I'm happy with my life. 779 00:30:15,398 --> 00:30:18,943 - But your life can't just be about chocolate milk 780 00:30:18,985 --> 00:30:20,445 and Matty's stools. 781 00:30:20,487 --> 00:30:22,048 - You know, I'm just putting it together now. 782 00:30:22,072 --> 00:30:24,175 But you think all the lactose is maybe the reason he's so... 783 00:30:24,199 --> 00:30:27,035 - Oh, Blaire. I don't see it that way at all. 784 00:30:27,077 --> 00:30:29,162 I mean, the best part of my day was helping 785 00:30:29,204 --> 00:30:31,539 that girl with the nose job. 786 00:30:31,581 --> 00:30:34,668 - Oh, it's a terrible nose job. - It's a terrible nose job. 787 00:30:34,709 --> 00:30:37,087 And I didn't want her to feel badly about it. 788 00:30:37,128 --> 00:30:42,008 But just being there for her made me feel so good. 789 00:30:42,050 --> 00:30:45,011 That's my special power, Blaire, 790 00:30:45,053 --> 00:30:48,014 helping people who need me. 791 00:30:48,056 --> 00:30:52,268 Making them happy is what makes me happy. 792 00:30:52,310 --> 00:30:55,313 - I have to be honest, Aunt Sus. 793 00:30:55,355 --> 00:30:57,357 I don't understand how that can be enough. 794 00:30:57,399 --> 00:30:58,692 I mean, you know you can do both. 795 00:30:58,733 --> 00:31:00,735 - I don't want to. 796 00:31:00,777 --> 00:31:02,070 Oh, I'm so sorry. 797 00:31:02,112 --> 00:31:04,114 I didn't mean to yell. 798 00:31:04,989 --> 00:31:06,991 - No, it's OK. 799 00:31:07,033 --> 00:31:08,702 - Are you OK? 800 00:31:08,743 --> 00:31:11,287 - Yeah. - Oh, my gosh. 801 00:31:13,665 --> 00:31:15,375 Oh, Matty, you're limping. 802 00:31:15,417 --> 00:31:17,377 - Oh, my goddamn gout's killing me. 803 00:31:17,419 --> 00:31:20,046 - Oh, no. You want me to take a look? 804 00:31:20,088 --> 00:31:21,440 - No, no, no, no. You don't want to see this. 805 00:31:21,464 --> 00:31:23,675 My big toe looks like a frog holding his breath. 806 00:31:23,717 --> 00:31:26,720 - Well, last time it was a cob of Indian corn. 807 00:31:26,761 --> 00:31:28,096 So it must be getting better. 808 00:31:28,138 --> 00:31:30,140 - Yeah, well, it hurts like a shithouse. 809 00:31:30,181 --> 00:31:32,225 - Matty, why don't we go upstairs to the bedroom, 810 00:31:32,267 --> 00:31:36,021 and you can show me your toe, OK? 811 00:31:36,062 --> 00:31:37,522 - All right. 812 00:31:40,483 --> 00:31:42,485 Oh, so many steps. 813 00:31:42,527 --> 00:31:44,738 - I know. 814 00:31:51,661 --> 00:31:53,121 - I just want to go on the record 815 00:31:53,163 --> 00:31:56,041 that I don't approve of this kind of enabling. 816 00:31:56,082 --> 00:31:58,335 - Well, if this week has taught us anything, 817 00:31:58,376 --> 00:32:00,587 it's that what matters most is Blaire's approval. 818 00:32:00,628 --> 00:32:02,088 - Ha, hilarious. 819 00:32:02,130 --> 00:32:04,132 Fuck you. - Yeah, smoke up. 820 00:32:05,050 --> 00:32:07,635 - It just bums me out, you know, 821 00:32:07,677 --> 00:32:09,804 that the women of Aunt Susan's generation 822 00:32:09,846 --> 00:32:11,264 can be happy with so little. 823 00:32:11,306 --> 00:32:12,450 - Yeah, I know what you mean. 824 00:32:12,474 --> 00:32:14,184 I don't like those women either. 825 00:32:14,225 --> 00:32:16,269 They need to have more ambition like us. 826 00:32:16,311 --> 00:32:18,021 - But you get what I'm saying, right? 827 00:32:18,063 --> 00:32:20,190 I mean, people just walk all over her. 828 00:32:20,231 --> 00:32:22,776 And she just smiles and keeps on like vacuuming 829 00:32:22,817 --> 00:32:24,152 the fucking floor. 830 00:32:24,194 --> 00:32:26,529 - I mean, she kind of told you to fuck off. 831 00:32:26,571 --> 00:32:29,324 - Yeah, I guess mission accomplished, huh? 832 00:32:29,366 --> 00:32:31,701 - This is going to be a thing, isn't it, 833 00:32:31,743 --> 00:32:33,036 the three of us getting high? 834 00:32:33,078 --> 00:32:35,622 - Yeah, it sure is. - Yeah, enjoy your new life. 835 00:32:35,663 --> 00:32:37,665 - Fuck. 836 00:32:39,834 --> 00:32:42,504 - Remember when I was a therapist? 837 00:32:48,968 --> 00:32:53,014 - ♪ Oh, you've got a head full of someone dreadful ♪ 838 00:32:53,056 --> 00:32:56,601 ♪ And yet alas that someone adores you ♪ 839 00:32:57,769 --> 00:33:01,481 ♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 840 00:33:01,523 --> 00:33:04,234 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 841 00:33:04,275 --> 00:33:07,570 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 842 00:33:07,612 --> 00:33:11,074 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 843 00:33:11,116 --> 00:33:13,243 ♪ But you just don't care ♪ 844 00:33:13,284 --> 00:33:19,284 ♪ 'Cause your best friend is me ♪ 61004

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