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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,467 Narrator: In 1985, little John Bennett 2 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,302 wished on a shooting star 3 00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:13,805 that his teddy bear would come to life. 4 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,849 Magically, it happened. 5 00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:19,185 Ted was an instant, worldwide phenomenon. 6 00:00:19,227 --> 00:00:21,187 But now, it's 1993. 7 00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:22,772 And like every phenomenon, 8 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:25,275 eventually, nobody gives a shit. 9 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:33,908 - ♪ My words are lazy ♪ 10 00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:35,577 ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 11 00:00:35,618 --> 00:00:38,788 ♪ But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪ 12 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:42,417 ♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 13 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:45,378 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 14 00:00:57,057 --> 00:01:00,101 - Fuck, it's not working. Here, let me try something, 15 00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:01,144 - You got to blow on it. 16 00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:03,396 That's what I'm doing. 17 00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:04,915 - No, no, you got to like really blow on it. 18 00:01:04,939 --> 00:01:07,067 Here. 19 00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:11,279 - Wow, you are going to make some guy very happy one day. 20 00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:12,530 - Fuck off. 21 00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:13,632 - Try it again with eye contact. 22 00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:15,575 - Fuck you, man. 23 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:16,910 See if it works. 24 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,079 both: Hey! 25 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:20,080 - All right, Mushroom Kingdom. 26 00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:21,289 - Anybody seen my car keys? 27 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,083 - Yeah, they were on the floor. 28 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:24,751 Dad stepped on them and got mad. 29 00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:25,835 - What'd he do with 'em? 30 00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:26,795 - Think he threw 'em. 31 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:28,380 - Shit. 32 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:30,882 - Hey, are Mario and Luigi supposed to be midgets? 33 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:31,883 - What do you mean? 34 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:32,967 - They're wicked short. 35 00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:34,153 Like, is it part of their character 36 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,387 that they're midgets, or is... 37 00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,222 - Jesus Christ. Seriously? 38 00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:38,264 - What? 39 00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:39,557 - Little people. 40 00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:40,660 - Yeah, that's why I'm asking. 41 00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:42,185 Are they supposed to be midgets? 42 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:43,996 - You don't say "midget." You say "little people." 43 00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:45,814 "Midget" is rude. - Why is it rude? 44 00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:48,149 - Because it just is. It's a fucked-up word. 45 00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:49,585 I mean, how would you like it if you were a little person 46 00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:50,944 and someone called you that? 47 00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:52,278 - Well, I mean, technically... 48 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,030 - That's not the same. - Why not? 49 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,281 - You're a teddy bear. 50 00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:56,700 - So what? Doesn't matter. 51 00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:58,785 Yeah, yeah, you know what? I ama midget. 52 00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,579 And I will thank you not to tell ourcommunity 53 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:02,956 how to use ourword. 54 00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:04,165 - Well done, Teddy. 55 00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:05,333 - Thank you. 56 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,047 Susan, just say it once. 57 00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,465 - Nope. - Just one time. 58 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:13,925 - No. - She's not going to do it. 59 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,027 - Come on, just one "fuck." 60 00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:16,011 - No, she doesn't want to go to hell. 61 00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:17,470 - Come on, Susan. 62 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:20,223 - I can express myself without that kind of language. 63 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,617 Thank you. - Come on, we got a bet going. 64 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,476 Just one time. - What's the bet? 65 00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:25,270 - Oh, that Ted can get Mom to swear. 66 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,063 - Oh, wow, so fucking adult. 67 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:28,732 - Hey, we're at dinner. 68 00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:30,525 - Just say "shit." 69 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:31,401 - Shoot. 70 00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:33,820 - Just give us the finger. 71 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:34,904 - There's your finger. 72 00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:35,905 - Say "Polack." 73 00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:37,157 - Ted, really? 74 00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:38,575 - It's not a race. You can say it. 75 00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:39,760 - Yeah, it's just a bunch of guys. 76 00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:42,162 - OK, just eat your supper, fellas. 77 00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:43,163 - She's not going to swear, man. 78 00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:44,706 I win. - Ah, fuck. 79 00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,583 - Pay up. 80 00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:48,668 Thank you. 81 00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,837 Wait, you're not wearing pants. Where'd you get this? 82 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:53,882 - Don't you worry about where I'm keeping stuff. 83 00:02:53,923 --> 00:02:56,343 - Matty, honey, that's your fourth beer. 84 00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:58,178 - Yeah, I had a shit day. 85 00:02:58,219 --> 00:02:59,721 - Yeah, four is like a Boston one. 86 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:00,805 He's OK. 87 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,640 - I'm sorry your day was hard, honey. 88 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,726 - Yeah, well, sorry doesn't fix the car. 89 00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:06,144 - What happened to the car, Dad? 90 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,812 - Whole rear fender got smashed. 91 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:08,938 - Well, how bad is it? 92 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,374 - It's going to be at least 400 bucks. 93 00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:12,567 - Who hit it? - I didn't see. 94 00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:15,612 But I was parked outside the Hong Kong buffet, so... 95 00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:17,405 Do the math. 96 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,157 - I'm sorry, what? 97 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,367 - I'm just saying. 98 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:23,370 - Wow, that is such complete bullshit. 99 00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:24,621 - Hey, we're at dinner. 100 00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:26,373 - It's a bullshit stereotype. 101 00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:27,749 - Tell that to my car. 102 00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:29,000 - Swear to God, 103 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,169 this whole household is so goddamn backward. 104 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,380 Ted has used two derogatory terms this afternoon. 105 00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:34,673 And then there you go 106 00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,067 topping it off with that ignorant comment. 107 00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:37,526 - I said "midget." What was the other one? 108 00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:38,802 - Yeah, I don't know. 109 00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:40,321 - You're living in my house with my family, 110 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,222 eating our food, and drinking our milk. 111 00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:43,491 Tough shit if you don't like it. 112 00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:44,575 - That's just... that's great. 113 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:45,892 I'm so glad you don't count me 114 00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:48,186 as a member of the family, Uncle Matty. 115 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,396 - Maybe "Polack"? 116 00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:50,790 - No, couldn't be that. That one's fine. 117 00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:54,317 - Blaire, you are absolutely a member of this family. 118 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:57,237 Matty, tell her you're sorry. 119 00:03:57,278 --> 00:03:58,571 - Of course he won't. 120 00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:00,174 Because if he did, he'd be admitting I'm right, 121 00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:02,575 which would also be admitting he is a classic Boston racist. 122 00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:04,411 - I'm not a racist! 123 00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:06,413 My favorite movie is "Rocky." 124 00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:08,331 - How the fuck does that make you not racist? 125 00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,208 - Uh, Apollo Creed is in the movie. 126 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,584 - So? 127 00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,920 - So he's a Black guy who wins against a white guy. 128 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,380 - Oh, my God. 129 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,233 - I mean, it's assuming you count Italians as whites, 130 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,633 which I mostly do. 131 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,760 Of course, they weren't white up until the 1960s. 132 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:23,096 They got a big bump after Korea. 133 00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:25,181 And it wasn't so much they got more white, 134 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:27,976 the Cubans got more Black, but I was OK with that too. 135 00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:29,227 - Isn't this the toast 136 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,329 that got you kicked out of Ronny's wedding? 137 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:31,646 - Again, I was explaining 138 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,523 why it was OK that he married an Italian. 139 00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:34,733 - Jesus Christ. 140 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:36,317 You are literally proving my point. 141 00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:38,111 You are a raging fuckin' racist. 142 00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:39,571 - Hey, we're at dinner. 143 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:43,950 - Well, in fairness, Blaire, you can be racist too. 144 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,160 - What? - Mm-hmm. 145 00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:46,536 - No, I'm not. 146 00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:48,830 - Do you remember when you were a little girl? 147 00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:51,708 You used to cut the hair off your Barbies? 148 00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,126 - Yes? 149 00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:55,545 - You used to cut the Black Barbie's hair off first 150 00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:56,921 to see how it looked. 151 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,090 - Oh, come on. Are you serious with that? 152 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,342 - And then if you liked it, 153 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:01,968 then you'd cut the white Barbie's hair. 154 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:04,137 So you're a little racist too, Blaire. 155 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:06,973 - Wow, that is weirdly so much more damning 156 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,516 than anything else today. 157 00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:09,994 - And it started when she was very young too. 158 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,978 - Are you guys for fucking real right now? 159 00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,814 - I mean, that is some sick Nazi doctor shit right there. 160 00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,441 - Did you? 161 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,817 - What? 162 00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:21,363 - Did you cut the Black Barbie's hair first? 163 00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:26,201 - Fine, yes, OK, I cut the Black Barbie's hair, yes. 164 00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:27,577 I was eight years old, OK? 165 00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:28,846 I didn't fucking know any better. 166 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,705 - What was the Black Barbie's name? 167 00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:34,968 - I don't remember. - Oh, it gets even worse! 168 00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:36,604 - Oh, my God, she can't remember the Black Barbie's name. 169 00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:38,880 - But I still love both Barbies equally. 170 00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:40,507 - And separately? - Yeah, yeah. 171 00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:41,859 What was the water fountain situation like 172 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,593 at the Dream House? - Yeah, was there like 173 00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,195 a special entrance for the Black Barbie? 174 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,513 - Look... - Oh. 175 00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:47,698 Did you call it the "I Have a Dream House"? 176 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:49,849 - A-ha! - OK, I was a fucking child. 177 00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:52,018 All right? At least I have that excuse. 178 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,520 You guys are adults. 179 00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:55,188 You know what the problem is? 180 00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,606 Education. 181 00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,900 There is a complete lack of education in this family. 182 00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:00,360 - That's not true. I go to school. 183 00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:02,404 - I'm taking a pottery class. 184 00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,239 - What about Ted? Hmm? 185 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,050 He's never had a day of education in his life, 186 00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:08,368 and it shows, using words like "Polack." 187 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:09,619 - Oh, it was "Polack." 188 00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:12,205 - The teacher says my ashtray shows promise. 189 00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,708 - You should be going to school every day with John. 190 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,292 You'd learn something. 191 00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,645 And maybe you wouldn't make all these ignorant comments. 192 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,295 - Uh, yeah, no thanks. 193 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,338 - Why not? 194 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,090 - Because. 195 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,258 TV. 196 00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:24,634 Aunt Suze, help me out. 197 00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:26,469 - Well, Ted, you might have fun. 198 00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:27,887 - Mm-hmm. 199 00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,657 - And I'm sure John would love to have you there. 200 00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:31,599 - No, no, I would not have fun. 201 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,435 And "The Price is Right" is on at 10:00 a.m. 202 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:34,894 and I'd miss Plinko 203 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:37,272 and Johnny respects me too much to want me to do that. 204 00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:38,648 - I do. I respect him. 205 00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:40,525 He tells me all about Plinko when I get home. 206 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:41,860 - That is such a cop-out. 207 00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:44,070 - Look, I guard the house when you guys are out. 208 00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,572 You do not. 209 00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:46,990 - Yeah, I do. - How? 210 00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,075 If somebody broke in, what would you do? 211 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:52,162 - I... I would tell him all the good stuff's in the backyard 212 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,539 and then I'd lock the door behind him. 213 00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,624 - This is pointless. I have plans with Sarah. 214 00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,546 - Oh, Plinko was wonderful today. 215 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,840 - Plinko is the best "Price is Right" game. 216 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:04,758 - It is. 217 00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:08,219 We live in such special times. 218 00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:16,478 - $1,000 total thus far. 219 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:17,937 - Oh, God. - Third one is... 220 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:18,813 - Oh, God. 221 00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:19,957 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, 222 00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,775 fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 223 00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:23,818 Yes! Ah! Oh, my God! 224 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,738 I want to tell somebody. 225 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,281 No, it's OK. It's all right. 226 00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:30,325 This will be my moment. 227 00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:34,496 All right, another day with the house to myself. 228 00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:35,955 What's fun? 229 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,874 What's fun? What's fun? What's fun? What's fun? 230 00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:43,004 Oh, let's see if we can find where Matty hides his porn. 231 00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:50,011 Jesus, he's got nothing? 232 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,805 25 years of marriage and no porn, 233 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,181 I'd put a bullet in my head. 234 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:55,141 Oh, here we go. 235 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,977 Oh, talk about the right to bear arms. 236 00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:00,188 Bear arms bearing arms, right? 237 00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:03,650 Oh, man, everybody's missing all this great stuff. 238 00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:06,695 Oh, wait. Oh, I know what to do with this. 239 00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,212 Awesome! 240 00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:27,048 Oh, I am so glad I tried this at home. 241 00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:29,676 - What the hell was that? 242 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:31,261 - Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Fechko. 243 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,179 I'm just doing a science experiment. 244 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,973 - Is that a gun? 245 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,726 - I mean, that's one function of it, yeah. 246 00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,269 - Well, what are you shooting at? 247 00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:40,270 - Nothing. 248 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,229 - Are you sure? 249 00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,272 - Yeah. 250 00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:43,313 - All right. 251 00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:46,109 Oops! 252 00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,616 Ah, fuck. 253 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:05,003 - The Russian boxer has all this technology, right? 254 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,130 But Rocky's way up in the mountains. 255 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,257 And all he's got is, like, logs and shit. 256 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:12,052 So it's wicked uneven because the Russians 257 00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,846 have machines for, like, every part of Drago's body. 258 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:19,309 But you know what part they don't have a machine for? 259 00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:21,269 This guy, right here. 260 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,729 Aw, you should have seen it. 261 00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:25,940 - I'm sure I still can. It sounds like they filmed it. 262 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,293 - I don't know how we started talking about abortion 263 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,526 and ended up here. 264 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:29,712 - I don't have to pick you up tomorrow, right? 265 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,781 - No, I got the rental. 266 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,616 What the fuck? 267 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,122 Aw. 268 00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,749 - Oh. Hey, Matty. Hey, Blaire. 269 00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:43,917 - What the fuck is this? 270 00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:46,169 - Oh, this is Cupcake, Peaches, 271 00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:47,420 and Beef Stroganoff. 272 00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:48,463 - Hi. 273 00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:49,523 - What happened to the TV? 274 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,466 - Oh, I accidentally shot it. 275 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:52,801 - You shot it? 276 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,803 - Yeah, and I felt really bad about it. 277 00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:57,681 And then I was like, "Hey, Ted, it was an accident. 278 00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,557 "Stop being so hard on yourself. 279 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,975 "It's bad enough that it happened. 280 00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:03,395 You feeling bad's not going to fix it." 281 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,729 So I called these ladies 282 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,123 because I was trying to make myself feel better. 283 00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:07,941 And I do. I feel better. 284 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,859 - See, this is the kind of shit 285 00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:11,611 that wouldn't happen if he was in school. 286 00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:12,612 - Wait, what? 287 00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,072 - You're going to school. 288 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,966 - Wait, hang on. That is a serious overreaction. 289 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,033 - You're going to school, 290 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,594 and you're going to grow a fucking brain! 291 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:19,953 - Oh, come on! 292 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,621 - I think brains are sexy. 293 00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,665 - Shut up, Beef. 294 00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:36,302 - Hey, Johnny, you awake? 295 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,637 - Yeah. 296 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,431 I was just jerking off. 297 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,724 - What? 298 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,726 Relax, I'm fucking with you. 299 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,686 - Holy Jesus. 300 00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:45,997 Wait, you're... you don't do that 301 00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:47,188 when I'm in the room, right? 302 00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,940 - No. 303 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,985 Not usually. I mean, if you're asleep. 304 00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:55,780 - Oh, shit, that's why I had the Spanish galleon dream. 305 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:56,990 - What? 306 00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:58,134 - I had a dream the other night 307 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,577 that I was rowing on a Spanish slave ship. 308 00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:03,955 And the guy on the drums was pounding faster and faster. 309 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,999 And so I escaped by jumping out a window, 310 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,834 and I swam to a desert island. 311 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,002 And when I came ashore, 312 00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:11,129 there you were jerking off. 313 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,882 That's probably why I had that dream. 314 00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,845 - OK, goodnight. 315 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,681 - Johnny, how bad is school going to suck? 316 00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,433 - You're not going to like it. 317 00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:25,352 - How bad? 318 00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,604 - You ever drink orange juice after brushing your teeth? 319 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:28,646 - Yeah. 320 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:29,856 - Well, it's like 321 00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:30,916 getting your nuts smashed together so hard, 322 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,692 they become just one nut. 323 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:35,028 - Holy shit. And that's every day? 324 00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:37,822 - That's every single day. 325 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,216 But if you die in a drunk driving accident, 326 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,951 you get a whole page in the yearbook. 327 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,161 - Not quite "Goodnight Moon," 328 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,497 but I'll see you in the morning. 329 00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,213 This sucks. 330 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:55,048 We got to lug these things around all day? 331 00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,257 - Yeah, pretty much. 332 00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:58,551 - We look stupid. - Nah, we're fine. 333 00:11:58,593 --> 00:12:00,762 - We look like suicide bombers having second thoughts. 334 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:01,888 - Shut the fuck up. 335 00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:03,074 You can't joke about bombs here. 336 00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:05,725 Now let me ask you something. 337 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:06,893 You ever get self-conscious 338 00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:08,812 being the only white guy at your school? 339 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,772 - I dunno, we live in a Boston suburb. 340 00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:12,399 Oh, last year, we had an Indian kid. 341 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,441 - Oh, yeah? 342 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:14,526 - Yeah, but they got him. 343 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,735 - What does that mean? 344 00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,070 - I liked him too. 345 00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:18,422 - What do you mean "they got him"? 346 00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:19,739 - He used to share his Dunkaroos. 347 00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:21,533 Good guy. - Fuck this, Johnny. 348 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,618 You know what? I'm going to get expelled. 349 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,036 - For what? 350 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,514 - I don't know yet. I'll come up with something. 351 00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:28,057 - Wait, you're going to try and get kicked out? 352 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,834 - It's the only way. I'm missing "Card Sharks." 353 00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:36,631 Dude, look. 354 00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:37,799 There she is. 355 00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:38,800 - What? 356 00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,510 - Look. 357 00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:42,846 - Holy shit, who is that? 358 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,264 - Bethany's sister. 359 00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:46,933 She goes to Emerson. Hottest chick on the planet. 360 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,893 - Jesus, what's her name? 361 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:49,936 - Sheila. 362 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,896 - What? No. - Yep. 363 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,398 - Sheila? - Uh-huh. 364 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,568 - What the fuck kind of malevolent God would do that? 365 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,254 - Yeah, it's like her parents knew she was going to be hot, 366 00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,463 and they wanted to level the field. 367 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,114 - Think fast, Bennett! 368 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,157 Nice! 369 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,950 - Fuck. - Hey, dork. 370 00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:05,118 What the fuck you got here? 371 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:06,619 You're bringing your dolls to school? 372 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:07,704 - Hey, fuck you, Clive. 373 00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,040 Oh, God, you motherfucker. 374 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,125 - Who the hell is this guy? - This is Clive. 375 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:13,626 - Nice teddy bear, Bennett. 376 00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:16,504 You got your blankie too? Ooh. 377 00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,506 You must be going full gay on us, huh? 378 00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,467 I always knew you were a big queer. 379 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,445 - You know, I don't want to speculate on who's gay, 380 00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:26,014 but didn't you just touch his penis twice? 381 00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:27,825 Hey, listen, man, it's nothing to be ashamed of. 382 00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:29,726 It's the '90s. Times are changing. 383 00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:32,312 Hey, anybody else here gay? 384 00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:33,396 How is it? 385 00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,315 - It's great. - It's the fucking tits. 386 00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:37,525 - See? There you go. The reviews are in. 387 00:13:38,693 --> 00:13:40,445 - You're still a fucking dork. 388 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,822 Hey, what a dorko. 389 00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:44,616 Let's go. 390 00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:47,285 - Hey, you know what, Teddy? 391 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,953 I think I'm really glad you're here. 392 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,121 - Yeah, thanks. 393 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,223 I'm still going to get kicked out. 394 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,291 - I know. 395 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:56,169 - From 1814 to 1815, following the writing 396 00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,171 of "Childe Harold's Pilgrimage," 397 00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:00,757 Lord Byron was the toast of Regency London. 398 00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:03,093 During this period, he wrote "The Siege of Corinth," 399 00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:06,971 "The Bride of Abydos," and what else? 400 00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,765 - Amanda. - "Terracina." 401 00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,433 - Yes. Someone did the homework. 402 00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:11,893 Very good. 403 00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:14,479 - I think this guy's lost 40 hairs since class started. 404 00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:15,438 - It's weird, right? 405 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,439 It's like they're not falling out. 406 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,191 They're jumping out. 407 00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,026 - Ted. - Yes? 408 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,569 - Can you complete this verse? 409 00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:25,407 "She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes 410 00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:26,991 "and starry skies. 411 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:30,453 And all that's best of dark and bright..." 412 00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,622 - Your wife is fucking other guys. 413 00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:39,546 You think you're funny, but you know what? 414 00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:41,214 Joke's on you, smart guy, 415 00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:43,550 because my wife and I are having problems. 416 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,552 - Oh. - Yeah. 417 00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:46,720 - I'm sorry to hear that. 418 00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:48,096 - Oh, thank you. 419 00:14:48,138 --> 00:14:50,974 Um, my wife had an affair last year. 420 00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:52,559 And we've both tried to recover, 421 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,687 but fact is, neither one of us has been able to forget it. 422 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:59,399 So I come in here every day acting like my life is great 423 00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:03,278 when, in reality, it's a train wreck. 424 00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,363 My own son doesn't respect his father, 425 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:08,241 so joke's on you, funny man. 426 00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:10,785 - Not really quite sure how the joke's on me, 427 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,120 but... - Who's laughing now? 428 00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:13,913 - I mean, I think I still am, but... 429 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,999 - Life comes with a lot of pain, kids. 430 00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:17,500 So better you learn that right now 431 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:21,421 and develop some nice, hard calluses over your feelings. 432 00:15:21,463 --> 00:15:23,214 My daughter is having a pregnancy scare. 433 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,966 Anyone want to talk about that? 434 00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:27,427 Well, we're gonna talk about it! 435 00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:30,722 Her last period was five weeks ago! 436 00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,600 I know this because 437 00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:36,519 I'm the only one in the house who buys tampons. 438 00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:38,372 - Yeah, I don't think you're going to break Mr. George. 439 00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,939 He's already too messed up. 440 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,232 - Yeah, I see that. 441 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,460 - So what are you going to do? 442 00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:44,569 How are you going to get kicked out? 443 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:50,867 - Better put some more franks on. 444 00:15:50,909 --> 00:15:51,951 - All right. 445 00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:55,914 - I'm the king of the wieners! 446 00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,839 - Ted Bennett, please report to the principal's office. 447 00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:06,883 Well, don't mind if I do. 448 00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:10,887 - Ted, do you know where my last job was? 449 00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,181 - Um, were you on "Night Court"? 450 00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:14,367 No. 451 00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:16,685 I was principal at Dorchester High. 452 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,144 - Oh, shit. 453 00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:21,147 Wait, isn't their mascot just a guy with a knife? 454 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,982 - Technically, Stabbers was a pirate. 455 00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,984 But yes, it was a little rough. 456 00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,528 - I heard there was one girl there 457 00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:28,905 who was only eight years older than her own granddaughter. 458 00:16:28,947 --> 00:16:30,156 - I'm afraid that's true. 459 00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:31,449 - Well, how'd that work? 460 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,177 - Oh, it involved the International Date Line. 461 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:35,078 But the point is 462 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,996 I watched a lot of students stumble 463 00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:39,833 and drift through the system to come out on the other side 464 00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:41,459 without any real education. 465 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,378 Some of them did what you're doing... 466 00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,839 testing the boundaries, rebelling, 467 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,382 hoping to get cut loose. 468 00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:48,925 - OK. 469 00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:51,219 - Well, I'm not going to let the same thing happen here. 470 00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:53,346 - Love that. Don't like where this is going. 471 00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:55,181 - You're going to be an example. 472 00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,976 I'm not going to suspend you or anything else. 473 00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:01,271 We are going to make a successful student out of you. 474 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:02,397 - Now hang on a second... 475 00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:03,857 - And you're the perfect choice. 476 00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:07,527 So if you want to act up again, just know if you do, 477 00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:09,529 it's not going to change your situation. 478 00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,781 - Oh, man, are you sure I'm the right guy? 479 00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:13,867 There's a fat kid who likes to touch dicks. 480 00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:15,660 - You're late for class. 481 00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,184 - Maybe I could just tell Matty to go fuck himself. 482 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,461 - No way, dude, my dad's a sadist. 483 00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,212 He thought Vietnam was fun. 484 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:27,589 - Jesus, really? 485 00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:28,899 - Yeah, he cried when the helicopters came 486 00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:30,091 to pick him up. 487 00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,235 You don't want to piss him off, man. 488 00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:32,135 He'll kick you out of the house. 489 00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:33,470 You'll starve. 490 00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:34,780 - What the hell kind of fucked-up wish 491 00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:36,473 makes it so your teddy bear comes to life, 492 00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:37,891 but he's still got to eat? 493 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,773 - Oh, man, there she is. 494 00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:48,151 - Yeah, we got practice in a half hour. 495 00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:57,077 - Did you see that? 496 00:17:57,118 --> 00:17:59,037 - What? - That was a joint. 497 00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,538 - Oh, shit. 498 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:01,974 - Teddy, that's your ticket out of here. 499 00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:03,416 - What? What do you mean? 500 00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:05,311 - You get caught with drugs in school, you're gone. 501 00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:06,878 It's like zero tolerance here. 502 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,797 - Oh, fuck, wow. 503 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,090 - Hey, you ever smoked weed? 504 00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:11,841 - No. - Yeah, me neither. 505 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:14,594 - Really? The whole time you were famous? 506 00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:16,280 - Yeah, I was afraid my fur would catch on fire. 507 00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:17,764 I got no flame retardant. 508 00:18:17,806 --> 00:18:19,283 - All right, well, anyway, you don't got to smoke it. 509 00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:20,451 You just got to get caught with it. 510 00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,018 - Well, fuck, let's go talk to her. 511 00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,269 - You fucking kidding me? 512 00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:24,789 I'm not going to talk to Sheila Borgwat. 513 00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:27,524 - Borgwat? Fucking God, it just keeps getting worse. 514 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,693 - No way, man. No, no. I'm not going over there. 515 00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:31,253 - Come on, Johnny, you're not asking her out. 516 00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,546 You're just asking her for drugs. 517 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:33,881 You said you stare at her every day. 518 00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:36,241 This is the perfect excuse to go talk to her. 519 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:38,410 - No, man. I got you this far, you do it. 520 00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:39,869 - If you don't come with me, 521 00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:42,414 I will tell her you masturbate to network television. 522 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,748 - You motherfucker. 523 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,709 - I will tell her you watch "Full House" 524 00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,627 so you can jerk off to Lori Loughlin, 525 00:18:47,669 --> 00:18:50,088 but that you can't always predict how long the scene is, 526 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:53,091 so half the time, you ejaculate to an establishing shot. 527 00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,092 - You wouldn't. 528 00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:56,261 - Oh, Lori, oh, Lori! 529 00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,972 Oh, Lor... oh, fuck, a tasteful duplex. 530 00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,394 - Excuse me. 531 00:19:04,436 --> 00:19:06,229 Hi. Uh, hi, I'm uh... 532 00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:08,648 I'm John Bennett. 533 00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:09,691 - Hi there. 534 00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:12,527 Ooh, you just, uh, wash your hands? 535 00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:17,824 - Uh, yeah, just when I... you know, a while ago, not now. 536 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:23,163 I had diarrhea. 537 00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:24,330 - Hi, I'm Ted. 538 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:25,331 - I'm Sheila. 539 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:26,916 - Oh, let's not ruin things. 540 00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:28,519 - Hey, listen, we couldn't help but notice 541 00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:31,046 you were smoking a little pot. 542 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,506 - Yeah, midterms, you know? 543 00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:34,817 What, are you going to narc on me? 544 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,444 - Oh, we're not judging. - No, absolutely not. 545 00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:37,695 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 546 00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:40,722 Teddy and I often partake of... 547 00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:42,098 el bowl. 548 00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:44,851 - And the pot inside it, uh... 549 00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:45,894 cha-cha-cha. 550 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,482 - It wasn't much diarrhea. 551 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,775 - Can we have drugs, please? 552 00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:53,735 Sorry? 553 00:19:53,777 --> 00:19:55,212 - We're just... we're looking to get some weed. 554 00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:56,863 We thought maybe you could help us out. 555 00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:59,866 - Yeah, uh, how old are you again? 556 00:19:59,908 --> 00:20:01,242 - 16 1/2. 557 00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:02,702 - Oof. 558 00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:05,163 Yeah, sorry, bro, that's not going to happen. 559 00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,581 - It's not for him. It's for me. 560 00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:09,000 Look, I get why you can't give a high school kid pot. 561 00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:11,086 But talking teddy bears are all good, right? 562 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:12,379 We all take drugs. 563 00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:13,856 The fucking Care Bears are all meth addicts, 564 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,591 Paddington's on Quaaludes, and Fozzie's a cokehead. 565 00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:18,843 You know he was in the room when John Belushi died? 566 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,553 - Look, I can't help you guys out. 567 00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:22,657 But if you want, I can hook you up with my connection. 568 00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:24,224 - Oh, that would be wonderful. 569 00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:27,352 And might I say, you are a very beautiful woman, Shelly... 570 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:28,395 - Sheila. 571 00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:29,604 - Oh, God, I know. 572 00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:46,371 All right, this is it. 573 00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:49,124 - All right, this is my allowance for the month. 574 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:50,458 If Dad asks where it went, 575 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,103 we bought tickets to see "Schindler's List." 576 00:20:52,127 --> 00:20:53,920 - What do you mean? That's only like 8 bucks. 577 00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:55,296 - Shit, you're right. 578 00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:56,798 Well, what did we do with the rest? 579 00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,260 - Uh, we were so moved that we donated it to Jew causes. 580 00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:02,470 - That is so nice of us. 581 00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:03,739 Maybe we should actually do that. 582 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,015 - What, are you fucking crazy? 583 00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:06,367 Get your head in the game. We got drugs to buy. 584 00:21:06,391 --> 00:21:07,517 - Shit, sorry. 585 00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:09,436 Just be careful in there, OK? 586 00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:11,312 I hear some of these dealers can be sketchy. 587 00:21:11,354 --> 00:21:12,772 Just don't get shot, buddy. 588 00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:14,934 - Will you relax? I'll be fine. I'll see you in a few. 589 00:21:32,459 --> 00:21:35,003 Hi, I'm here for the weed... 590 00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:43,762 - No fucking way. 591 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:44,947 - Ted, what the hell are you doing here? 592 00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:46,681 - It's you? - Who gave you this address? 593 00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:48,516 - Fucking Blaire sells pot? 594 00:21:48,558 --> 00:21:50,518 - Jesus Christ. Lower your voice. 595 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:52,312 Get inside. 596 00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:55,357 Oh, un-fucking believable. 597 00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:56,858 - The fuck do you want? 598 00:21:56,900 --> 00:21:59,069 - Wait, so I can't say midget, but you can sell drugs? 599 00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:01,071 - What's with all the noise? 600 00:22:01,112 --> 00:22:02,280 Who's this? 601 00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:03,531 - This is Ted. 602 00:22:03,573 --> 00:22:05,325 Ted, this is my friend, Sarah. 603 00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:07,410 - Oh, yeah. Blaire mentioned you. 604 00:22:07,452 --> 00:22:10,330 You're that teddy bear that came to life back in the '80s. 605 00:22:10,372 --> 00:22:12,832 - Well, yeah, but I've done other stuff since then. 606 00:22:12,874 --> 00:22:14,376 - Like what? 607 00:22:14,417 --> 00:22:17,420 - Um, I was the stand-in for Ben Stiller in "Fresh Horses." 608 00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:18,421 - Oh. 609 00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,090 - Not a tall man. 610 00:22:20,131 --> 00:22:23,468 Um, hey, how come you're selling weed anyway? 611 00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:25,887 - Sarah and I grow it here in her apartment, 612 00:22:25,929 --> 00:22:30,433 and we're using the money to help pay for tuition. 613 00:22:30,475 --> 00:22:32,018 Ted, listen to me. 614 00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:34,688 You cannot tell Uncle Matty and Aunt Suze, all right? 615 00:22:34,729 --> 00:22:36,248 They will kick me out of the fucking house. 616 00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:37,649 It's hard enough to pay for school. 617 00:22:37,691 --> 00:22:39,359 I can't afford a higher rent too. 618 00:22:39,401 --> 00:22:41,027 - Wait. Matty charges you rent? 619 00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:42,629 - Not as much as I pay for an apartment, 620 00:22:42,654 --> 00:22:44,739 but still, 200 bucks a month. 621 00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:47,033 - For that crappy room over the garage? 622 00:22:47,075 --> 00:22:49,703 Jesus, Anne Frank wouldn't be caught dead in that place. 623 00:22:50,662 --> 00:22:51,871 I'm allowed to make that joke. 624 00:22:51,913 --> 00:22:53,581 Johnny and I donate to Jew causes. 625 00:22:53,623 --> 00:22:54,892 - OK, well, I still need the room, 626 00:22:54,916 --> 00:22:56,835 so you cannot say a fucking word. 627 00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:58,716 - Hey, look, man, I'm not here to bust anybody. 628 00:22:58,753 --> 00:23:01,381 I just want the ganja. 629 00:23:01,423 --> 00:23:03,008 - You've never smoked before, have you? 630 00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:04,652 - What are you... what are you talking about? 631 00:23:04,676 --> 00:23:06,386 Yeah, I have. I do lots of drugs. 632 00:23:06,428 --> 00:23:08,555 - Yeah? Like what? 633 00:23:08,596 --> 00:23:10,098 - I'm on coke right now. See? 634 00:23:10,140 --> 00:23:12,726 Grr! Oh, I'm so coked up I just wanna write a novel 635 00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:14,227 and punch everything! 636 00:23:14,269 --> 00:23:15,270 Ow! Ow! 637 00:23:15,311 --> 00:23:16,604 Ah, just kidding. 638 00:23:16,646 --> 00:23:17,605 Doesn't hurt 'cause on account of the coke. 639 00:23:17,647 --> 00:23:18,898 - Bullshit. 640 00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:19,816 - I don't know what I'm talking about. 641 00:23:19,858 --> 00:23:21,276 Please, can I have marijuana? 642 00:23:21,317 --> 00:23:23,069 Fine. You got cash? 643 00:23:23,111 --> 00:23:26,239 - No. Wait. Sarah, we're... we're not selling him pot. 644 00:23:26,281 --> 00:23:27,907 - Why not? - Yeah, why not? 645 00:23:27,949 --> 00:23:29,868 - Uh, are you fucking high already? 646 00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:31,870 Your best friend, my little cousin, 647 00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:33,538 is 16 years old. 648 00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:34,789 I'm not gonna enable him. 649 00:23:34,831 --> 00:23:36,082 - Well, I'm not either. 650 00:23:36,124 --> 00:23:37,601 I'm not even gonna tell him I have it. 651 00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:39,377 It's for me, Blaire. I swear to God. 652 00:23:39,419 --> 00:23:40,837 When have I ever lied to you? 653 00:23:40,879 --> 00:23:42,898 - Like ten seconds ago when you said you were on coke. 654 00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:44,900 - Well, yeah. But since then, I've given it to you straight. 655 00:23:44,924 --> 00:23:48,094 - Look, Blaire. We need the money. 656 00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:49,137 Why not just do it? 657 00:23:49,179 --> 00:23:50,138 - That's right, Blaire. 658 00:23:50,180 --> 00:23:51,931 You need the money, I need this. 659 00:23:51,973 --> 00:23:54,100 Look, do you have any idea what it's like 660 00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:55,935 to be the biggest star in the world 661 00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:57,854 and then nobody gives a shit about you? 662 00:23:57,896 --> 00:23:59,439 I'm friggin' Kirk Cameron. 663 00:23:59,481 --> 00:24:01,024 I gotta escape my demons, 664 00:24:01,066 --> 00:24:03,109 and it's either drugs or the church. 665 00:24:03,151 --> 00:24:05,153 You know what they do to guys my size? 666 00:24:05,195 --> 00:24:08,156 Oh, please, don't make me suck a deacon's dick! 667 00:24:14,788 --> 00:24:16,289 - We should smoke it. 668 00:24:16,331 --> 00:24:17,540 - Wait, what? 669 00:24:17,582 --> 00:24:19,060 Johnny, this is my ticket out of school. 670 00:24:19,084 --> 00:24:20,877 - Yeah, I know. I mean, not... not all of it. 671 00:24:20,919 --> 00:24:24,130 Just, you know, we smoke some and save some for the plan. 672 00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:27,342 - Well, Johnny, I... I promised Blaire it was just for me. 673 00:24:27,384 --> 00:24:28,968 - Teddy, think about it, all right? 674 00:24:29,010 --> 00:24:31,429 I bet I'm the only kid in school who hasn't smoked. 675 00:24:31,471 --> 00:24:32,931 I haven't smoked. I haven't had sex. 676 00:24:32,972 --> 00:24:34,683 I haven't had a girlfriend. 677 00:24:34,724 --> 00:24:37,102 Clive's right. I'm a fucking loser. 678 00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:39,187 I mean, you're like my only real friend, 679 00:24:39,229 --> 00:24:41,314 and we're sitting here with real pot. 680 00:24:41,356 --> 00:24:43,108 It's here in person. 681 00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:45,151 This could be the day I start being cool. 682 00:24:45,193 --> 00:24:47,529 - Yeah, today is the day you told a girl you had diarrhea. 683 00:24:47,570 --> 00:24:49,197 Don't put too much weight on today. 684 00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:53,618 Wait. Hang on, hang on. - What? 685 00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,704 - Well, you and me have been best friends 686 00:24:55,745 --> 00:24:57,372 like our whole lives. 687 00:24:57,414 --> 00:25:00,208 We're about to get high together for the first time. 688 00:25:00,250 --> 00:25:01,334 - Yeah, so? 689 00:25:01,376 --> 00:25:03,461 - Let's do this right. 690 00:25:18,935 --> 00:25:20,270 - Should we say grace? 691 00:25:20,311 --> 00:25:21,311 - Oh, yeah, good idea. 692 00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:24,274 Hello, God. 693 00:25:24,315 --> 00:25:28,319 It's me, Ted, one of your weirder creations. 694 00:25:28,361 --> 00:25:30,280 Sorry about what I said today. 695 00:25:30,321 --> 00:25:32,157 Not that your deacons aren't attractive, 696 00:25:32,198 --> 00:25:35,326 but I'm saving my mouth for marriage. 697 00:25:35,368 --> 00:25:38,371 Let us not be so high that we have to call an ambulance. 698 00:25:38,413 --> 00:25:39,497 Amen. 699 00:25:39,539 --> 00:25:40,665 - Amen. 700 00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:42,625 OK. 701 00:25:44,294 --> 00:25:46,212 Let there be light. 702 00:26:05,231 --> 00:26:09,235 - ♪ All my friends know the low rider ♪ 703 00:26:11,821 --> 00:26:16,117 ♪ The low rider is a little higher ♪ 704 00:26:34,552 --> 00:26:35,762 - Yeah. 705 00:26:40,141 --> 00:26:41,601 - Hell yeah, man. 706 00:26:47,816 --> 00:26:49,526 - I was so fucking hungry. 707 00:26:49,567 --> 00:26:51,194 - I was so hungry too. - Mm-hmm. 708 00:26:51,236 --> 00:26:52,362 - It's so weird. 709 00:26:52,404 --> 00:26:54,447 You know, this is like the perfect food 710 00:26:54,489 --> 00:26:55,824 for the perfect night. 711 00:26:55,865 --> 00:26:58,743 - Yeah, like who invented food? That guy rocks. 712 00:26:58,785 --> 00:27:01,621 - Well, if I knew you guys were going to get so gussied up, 713 00:27:01,663 --> 00:27:03,123 I would have made something fancier. 714 00:27:03,164 --> 00:27:06,042 - No, Mom. This is perfect. 715 00:27:06,084 --> 00:27:07,627 These are perfect Steak-Umms. 716 00:27:07,669 --> 00:27:09,587 - The perfect Steak-Umm. 717 00:27:09,629 --> 00:27:12,632 It's right here. Just... just feel it. 718 00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,677 - I can feel your love in this, Ma. 719 00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:18,638 - I'm so happy you love it so much. 720 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,098 - Jesus, you guys are acting like 721 00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:22,225 it's today's special at Legal Sea Food. 722 00:27:22,267 --> 00:27:24,477 It's fine. 723 00:27:24,519 --> 00:27:27,272 - I think it's delicious, Suze. 724 00:27:27,313 --> 00:27:29,107 - Can you guys believe 725 00:27:29,149 --> 00:27:31,151 that we're just, like, we're sitting here, 726 00:27:31,192 --> 00:27:33,820 and we're, like, having an experience 727 00:27:33,862 --> 00:27:36,656 and experiencing reality all at once. 728 00:27:36,698 --> 00:27:38,283 - Hey, Susan. 729 00:27:38,324 --> 00:27:41,661 Susan, I just wanna say you have found your haircut. 730 00:27:41,703 --> 00:27:43,371 - What, you think so? 731 00:27:43,413 --> 00:27:44,622 - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 732 00:27:44,664 --> 00:27:47,167 You could ride this to 70, and you'd be fine. 733 00:27:47,208 --> 00:27:50,920 - Well, I just took a picture of Tipper Gore into the salon, 734 00:27:50,962 --> 00:27:53,173 and I said, now, I know it can't be like that, 735 00:27:53,214 --> 00:27:55,342 but try to get it as close as you can. 736 00:27:55,383 --> 00:27:57,469 And so well, uh... 737 00:27:57,510 --> 00:27:59,596 - Tipper Gore should bring in a picture of you. 738 00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:00,930 - Stop it. 739 00:28:00,972 --> 00:28:04,976 This night. 740 00:28:05,018 --> 00:28:08,021 - Is there a fucking gas leak or something? 741 00:28:11,816 --> 00:28:13,234 - It's funny. 742 00:28:13,276 --> 00:28:14,337 I ate all those Steak-Umms, and I'm still hungry. 743 00:28:14,361 --> 00:28:16,488 - Oh, fuck. These are so good. 744 00:28:16,529 --> 00:28:17,864 - So good. 745 00:28:17,906 --> 00:28:19,532 - And look at the intricate carvings. 746 00:28:19,574 --> 00:28:21,159 - Yeah. 747 00:28:21,201 --> 00:28:22,702 Yeah, is this some Illuminati shit? 748 00:28:22,744 --> 00:28:23,953 - That's what I've heard. 749 00:28:23,995 --> 00:28:26,831 Like, if you can decipher what's on an Oreo, 750 00:28:26,873 --> 00:28:28,750 you can know the mind of God. 751 00:28:28,792 --> 00:28:30,835 - I heard no two Oreos are alike. 752 00:28:30,877 --> 00:28:32,462 - Hey. 753 00:28:32,504 --> 00:28:34,422 What a great conversation. 754 00:28:35,965 --> 00:28:37,133 - I fucking knew it. 755 00:28:37,175 --> 00:28:38,760 - Oh, shit! - Hi, Blaire. 756 00:28:38,802 --> 00:28:40,261 - You guys are stoned. 757 00:28:40,303 --> 00:28:42,073 - Look, Blaire, Blaire, it's a little more complicated. 758 00:28:42,097 --> 00:28:44,557 - No, you fucking swore it was just for you. 759 00:28:44,599 --> 00:28:45,809 - All right. OK. 760 00:28:45,850 --> 00:28:47,394 I didn't wanna have to resort to this. 761 00:28:47,435 --> 00:28:48,853 I love you. 762 00:28:48,895 --> 00:28:50,897 See? Now you're not mad at me anymore. 763 00:28:50,939 --> 00:28:52,607 - And fuck you, by the way. 764 00:28:52,649 --> 00:28:53,751 I've been trying for two weeks 765 00:28:53,775 --> 00:28:55,068 to get Susan to fix that haircut. 766 00:28:55,110 --> 00:28:57,070 - Blaire, listen. It's my fault. 767 00:28:57,112 --> 00:28:58,822 He tried to say no, and I pressured him. 768 00:28:58,863 --> 00:29:00,407 - No, no, no. You're 16, all right? 769 00:29:00,448 --> 00:29:02,409 He's a talking teddy bear. It's his fucking fault. 770 00:29:02,450 --> 00:29:04,428 - OK, look, look, look. I think if we all just take 771 00:29:04,452 --> 00:29:07,038 a couple of deep breaths here and just try... 772 00:29:08,206 --> 00:29:09,332 - Fuck! 773 00:29:17,757 --> 00:29:19,426 Ted? 774 00:29:19,467 --> 00:29:21,445 Come on, where the hell are you? I just want to talk. 775 00:29:21,469 --> 00:29:23,972 - Yeah, bullshit! 776 00:29:24,014 --> 00:29:25,366 - How the hell did you get up there? 777 00:29:25,390 --> 00:29:26,599 - Climbed the drainpipe. 778 00:29:26,641 --> 00:29:28,768 - OK, well, why don't you come on down here 779 00:29:28,810 --> 00:29:30,353 and we can discuss the situation? 780 00:29:30,395 --> 00:29:32,022 - No, 'cause you're gonna come at me. 781 00:29:32,063 --> 00:29:33,606 - I-I'm not. I promise. 782 00:29:33,648 --> 00:29:34,816 - It wasn't my fault. 783 00:29:34,858 --> 00:29:37,527 - Oh, my God, your boy, he's on the roof! 784 00:29:37,569 --> 00:29:38,862 - It's all right, Mrs. Fechko. 785 00:29:38,903 --> 00:29:40,530 - I'll call the fire department! 786 00:29:40,572 --> 00:29:41,990 - That's really not necessary. 787 00:29:42,032 --> 00:29:43,825 - But your son, he's gonna fall! 788 00:29:43,867 --> 00:29:45,493 - He's not. 789 00:29:45,535 --> 00:29:46,619 Yeah, there's a lot here 790 00:29:46,661 --> 00:29:48,329 you're not understanding, Mrs. Fechhko. 791 00:29:48,371 --> 00:29:50,307 - For God's sake, you've been listening to the news? 792 00:29:50,331 --> 00:29:52,500 Eisenhower says we all gotta stay inside! 793 00:29:52,542 --> 00:29:54,461 - Oh, my God! 794 00:29:54,502 --> 00:29:57,088 Ted, get down here, OK? 795 00:29:57,130 --> 00:29:58,715 I'm not gonna talk to you like this. 796 00:29:58,757 --> 00:29:59,841 - Yeah, well, tough shit. 797 00:29:59,883 --> 00:30:01,110 I'm gonna live up here from now on. 798 00:30:01,134 --> 00:30:02,677 - That's insane. You're insane. 799 00:30:02,719 --> 00:30:04,095 - No, I'm not. 800 00:30:04,137 --> 00:30:06,431 I'll get Johnny to bring me food and maybe even soil 801 00:30:06,473 --> 00:30:08,475 so I can grow crops right here in the rain gutter. 802 00:30:08,516 --> 00:30:10,685 And if the weather's temperate, by harvest season, 803 00:30:10,727 --> 00:30:11,853 I'll be able to... 804 00:30:12,812 --> 00:30:14,022 Fuck! 805 00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:17,692 - OK, you little shit, you are in a lot of trouble. 806 00:30:17,734 --> 00:30:18,777 - Look, it was... 807 00:30:18,818 --> 00:30:20,153 - You gave pot to a 16-year-old. 808 00:30:20,195 --> 00:30:21,946 I mean, what the fuck were you thinking? 809 00:30:21,988 --> 00:30:23,507 - Well, on the bright side, he loved it. 810 00:30:23,531 --> 00:30:25,075 - I sold that pot to you. 811 00:30:25,116 --> 00:30:26,260 - Yeah, you were wrong to do that. 812 00:30:26,284 --> 00:30:27,720 - You do realize I am now responsible 813 00:30:27,744 --> 00:30:30,205 for introducing drugs to my underage cousin? 814 00:30:30,246 --> 00:30:31,748 I could be in really deep shit here. 815 00:30:31,790 --> 00:30:33,958 - Boy, it must be cool being this tall all the time. 816 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,919 - Get rid of that weed or so help me God, 817 00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:37,229 you are going in the fucking dryer. 818 00:30:37,253 --> 00:30:38,838 - Oh, big deal. I've been in dryers. 819 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:40,024 - I'll put you in a Matty load. 820 00:30:40,048 --> 00:30:41,408 - OK, fuck. I'll do it. I'll do it. 821 00:30:49,599 --> 00:30:51,518 OK. So we plant the weed in my locker. 822 00:30:51,559 --> 00:30:53,436 Then you go to the principal and rat me out. 823 00:30:53,478 --> 00:30:56,147 She searches my locker, and boom, it's back to Plinko. 824 00:30:56,189 --> 00:30:58,108 - All right. - Not yet, not yet. 825 00:30:58,149 --> 00:30:59,335 We gotta wait till the bell rings. 826 00:30:59,359 --> 00:31:01,653 - Yeah, sorry. - Just act normal. 827 00:31:01,695 --> 00:31:03,029 Right now, we're just two guys 828 00:31:03,071 --> 00:31:04,656 standing here, having a conversation. 829 00:31:04,698 --> 00:31:05,907 - Yeah. 830 00:31:05,949 --> 00:31:07,367 About what? 831 00:31:07,409 --> 00:31:10,453 - I don't know. Uh, what's the last movie you saw? 832 00:31:10,495 --> 00:31:12,956 - Uh, "Alive." - Which one's that? 833 00:31:12,997 --> 00:31:15,375 - Oh, it's the one where the rugby team crashes 834 00:31:15,417 --> 00:31:18,128 in the Andes in the '70s and they ran out of food, 835 00:31:18,169 --> 00:31:19,271 so they had to eat each other. 836 00:31:19,295 --> 00:31:21,798 - You're kidding. - No, it's a true story. 837 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:24,426 - Like... like, eat each other alive like they're trading? 838 00:31:24,467 --> 00:31:26,469 Like, you give me your hand, I give you my foot? 839 00:31:26,511 --> 00:31:27,721 - No, no. 840 00:31:27,762 --> 00:31:29,281 It's like some of the guys died in the crash, 841 00:31:29,305 --> 00:31:31,075 and then the ones that survived had to eat the dead guys. 842 00:31:31,099 --> 00:31:34,102 - Oh, man. Yeah, I... I couldn't do that. 843 00:31:34,144 --> 00:31:36,062 - Me neither, man. 844 00:31:36,104 --> 00:31:37,897 Plus, it's all dudes, so it's even worse. 845 00:31:37,939 --> 00:31:39,816 - Yeah... what? 846 00:31:39,858 --> 00:31:41,192 - It's all dudes, you know? 847 00:31:41,234 --> 00:31:43,570 You're eating guys. It's like double gross. 848 00:31:43,611 --> 00:31:45,071 - Well, I mean... I mean, 849 00:31:45,113 --> 00:31:47,824 I would think it would be objectionable across the board. 850 00:31:47,866 --> 00:31:51,411 - No, no. Yeah, it would. It's just like a hat on a hat. 851 00:31:51,453 --> 00:31:53,663 - So if you were on a plane that crashed 852 00:31:53,705 --> 00:31:56,499 and Tom Hanks and Diane Keaton were on it too, 853 00:31:56,541 --> 00:31:58,251 and they died and you survived, 854 00:31:58,293 --> 00:31:59,544 who would you eat first? 855 00:31:59,586 --> 00:32:01,226 - Am I the only other person on the plane? 856 00:32:01,254 --> 00:32:02,481 - Yeah. - What about the pilots? 857 00:32:02,505 --> 00:32:04,275 - It's an experimental aircraft, all automated. 858 00:32:04,299 --> 00:32:05,651 - Well, maybe that's why it went down. 859 00:32:05,675 --> 00:32:07,403 - But the technology still needed more study, yes, 860 00:32:07,427 --> 00:32:08,863 but the Pentagon was getting impatient 861 00:32:08,887 --> 00:32:10,865 and they wanted results, so they pushed up the launch. 862 00:32:10,889 --> 00:32:12,700 - Wait, why wouldn't they have a seasoned flight crew on board 863 00:32:12,724 --> 00:32:13,808 instead of two actors? 864 00:32:13,850 --> 00:32:15,268 - Oscar-winningactors. 865 00:32:15,310 --> 00:32:17,062 - Fair enough. - These are taxpayer dollars. 866 00:32:17,103 --> 00:32:18,164 They need the public's interest 867 00:32:18,188 --> 00:32:19,647 or support for the funding dries up. 868 00:32:19,689 --> 00:32:21,751 - Wait, since when does the military need public support 869 00:32:21,775 --> 00:32:23,276 to fund experimental aircraft? 870 00:32:23,318 --> 00:32:25,111 - Would you eat Tom Hanks or Diane Keaton? 871 00:32:25,153 --> 00:32:26,279 - I'd start with Diane 872 00:32:26,321 --> 00:32:27,197 and then if I didn't get rescued, 873 00:32:27,238 --> 00:32:28,406 I'd move on to Tom. 874 00:32:28,448 --> 00:32:29,574 - Yeah, see? 875 00:32:29,616 --> 00:32:30,801 I think it's weird that you have an opinion 876 00:32:30,825 --> 00:32:31,785 one way or the other. 877 00:32:33,453 --> 00:32:35,038 OK. Here we go. Let me have it. 878 00:32:38,833 --> 00:32:41,169 - Man, we really put a dent in this thing, didn't we? 879 00:32:41,211 --> 00:32:43,171 - Whoa. What have we got here? 880 00:32:43,213 --> 00:32:44,255 - Oh, shit. 881 00:32:44,297 --> 00:32:45,799 - Bennett, you partake? 882 00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:46,800 - Give it back, Clive. 883 00:32:46,841 --> 00:32:48,468 - John Bennett gets high. 884 00:32:48,510 --> 00:32:50,679 Maybe you're not as much of a pussy as I thought. 885 00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:52,347 - That is a very important bag of weed. 886 00:32:52,389 --> 00:32:53,866 - Now, I know where to get a free buzz. 887 00:32:53,890 --> 00:32:54,974 Thanks, Bud. 888 00:32:56,226 --> 00:32:57,662 God damn it, Clive. 889 00:32:57,686 --> 00:32:58,895 We need that weed! 890 00:33:01,064 --> 00:33:02,148 - Teddy! 891 00:33:02,190 --> 00:33:04,067 - Shit. - Teddy, are you OK? 892 00:33:05,485 --> 00:33:07,165 - What the hell are you two doing out here? 893 00:33:07,195 --> 00:33:09,322 Get to class now. 894 00:33:09,364 --> 00:33:13,326 - Um, "227" sucks balls and so do you. 895 00:33:15,412 --> 00:33:17,163 OK, now, you know I didn't mean that. 896 00:33:17,205 --> 00:33:19,165 I just needed a reason to be dragged in here. 897 00:33:19,207 --> 00:33:21,334 - Look, you can trash-talk me, Ted, 898 00:33:21,376 --> 00:33:23,795 but nobody throws shade at Pearl Shay. 899 00:33:23,837 --> 00:33:25,213 - Yes. I apologize. 900 00:33:25,255 --> 00:33:27,298 We have all benefited from her windowsill wisdom. 901 00:33:27,340 --> 00:33:28,633 She is a national treasure. 902 00:33:28,675 --> 00:33:30,885 But listen, you gotta kick me out of school. 903 00:33:30,927 --> 00:33:32,554 - Ted, I already told you. 904 00:33:32,595 --> 00:33:33,847 - I have weed. 905 00:33:33,888 --> 00:33:35,098 - What? 906 00:33:35,140 --> 00:33:36,099 - I am in possession of marijuana 907 00:33:36,141 --> 00:33:37,600 here on school premises. 908 00:33:37,642 --> 00:33:39,185 - May I see it? 909 00:33:39,227 --> 00:33:41,855 - Well, I... I lost it. 910 00:33:41,896 --> 00:33:43,064 - You lost it? 911 00:33:43,106 --> 00:33:44,858 - Yeah, but... but he had weed, all right? 912 00:33:44,899 --> 00:33:46,026 I'm a witness. 913 00:33:46,067 --> 00:33:47,444 - I would need to see the marijuana 914 00:33:47,485 --> 00:33:49,154 for there to be consequences. 915 00:33:49,195 --> 00:33:50,548 - Look, we are telling you the truth. 916 00:33:50,572 --> 00:33:52,490 - Yeah, I'm a bad seed. See? Look. 917 00:33:52,532 --> 00:33:53,575 I love you. 918 00:33:53,616 --> 00:33:54,576 Drugs! 919 00:33:54,617 --> 00:33:55,618 I love drugs. 920 00:33:55,660 --> 00:33:56,911 - I'm sorry, boys. 921 00:33:56,953 --> 00:33:58,872 I can't just take your word that you have pot. 922 00:33:58,913 --> 00:34:01,249 - Ah, this is bullshit, man. I'm getting railroaded. 923 00:34:01,291 --> 00:34:02,893 - All right, look, Clive has it, all right? 924 00:34:02,917 --> 00:34:04,169 Go check. - Clive? 925 00:34:04,210 --> 00:34:05,670 - Yeah. 926 00:34:05,712 --> 00:34:07,606 - Well then, if Clive has it, he's the one in trouble. 927 00:34:07,630 --> 00:34:10,133 - No, no. It's not his weed. He was just holding it for me. 928 00:34:10,175 --> 00:34:11,926 - OK. We're done here. 929 00:34:11,968 --> 00:34:13,303 - All right. It's OK. 930 00:34:13,345 --> 00:34:15,889 This motherfucking bear's got a backup plan. 931 00:34:22,771 --> 00:34:23,855 All right, it's clear. 932 00:34:25,357 --> 00:34:27,442 - Teddy, I don't like this. It's stealing. 933 00:34:27,484 --> 00:34:29,402 - What am I supposed to do? Just ask her for it? 934 00:34:29,444 --> 00:34:31,488 She'll shove me in the dryer with Matty's clothes. 935 00:34:31,529 --> 00:34:32,673 - Well, how bad could that be? 936 00:34:32,697 --> 00:34:35,241 - Matty changed his pants during dinner. 937 00:34:35,283 --> 00:34:36,409 - Yeah, that's bad. 938 00:34:36,451 --> 00:34:37,786 - All right, let's find it. 939 00:34:42,957 --> 00:34:44,668 - Jesus. - What? 940 00:34:44,709 --> 00:34:47,587 - There's a whole drawer here that's just cans of tuna. 941 00:34:47,629 --> 00:34:48,629 - How sad. 942 00:34:50,256 --> 00:34:51,341 Wait. Wait. 943 00:34:51,383 --> 00:34:52,634 Oh, fuck yeah. 944 00:34:52,676 --> 00:34:55,095 - You found it? - Jackpot. 945 00:34:55,136 --> 00:34:56,262 - Great. Let's go. 946 00:34:59,432 --> 00:35:00,684 Fuck. - Shit. 947 00:35:00,725 --> 00:35:02,018 - Let's go in here. 948 00:35:04,979 --> 00:35:06,773 - All the way over and dances. 949 00:35:06,815 --> 00:35:08,024 - Hang on a sec. 950 00:35:08,066 --> 00:35:09,460 I think I have a pack around here somewhere. 951 00:35:09,484 --> 00:35:11,444 - Oh, thank you so much. 952 00:35:11,486 --> 00:35:14,072 The CVS only had the men's razors, 953 00:35:14,114 --> 00:35:17,534 and I think those are only for faces. 954 00:35:17,575 --> 00:35:19,452 - There you go. - Thank you. 955 00:35:19,494 --> 00:35:20,888 - You know, it's the '90s, Aunt Suze. 956 00:35:20,912 --> 00:35:23,206 You can go without shaving your legs if you want. 957 00:35:23,248 --> 00:35:27,002 Oh. 958 00:35:27,043 --> 00:35:28,378 When I was in high school, 959 00:35:28,420 --> 00:35:31,172 I used to forget sometimes and I'd get made fun of. 960 00:35:31,214 --> 00:35:33,091 - Oh, really? I hate that. 961 00:35:33,133 --> 00:35:35,802 - It's probably why I'm so self-conscious about it. 962 00:35:38,430 --> 00:35:41,057 Can I ask you something? 963 00:35:41,099 --> 00:35:43,518 - Yeah, sure. Anything. 964 00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,520 - One of the girls who used to make fun of me, 965 00:35:45,562 --> 00:35:48,273 her name was Margie Cronin. 966 00:35:48,314 --> 00:35:51,151 She used to call me Sasquatch. 967 00:35:51,192 --> 00:35:53,820 She was so mean to me in school, 968 00:35:53,862 --> 00:35:57,615 and afterward, we didn't see each other for a long time. 969 00:35:57,657 --> 00:35:59,617 And then about a year ago, 970 00:35:59,659 --> 00:36:02,662 I saw in the flatware department at Bradley's. 971 00:36:02,704 --> 00:36:05,915 And I saw that she'd lost a hand. 972 00:36:05,957 --> 00:36:09,794 And I was so happy about it. 973 00:36:09,836 --> 00:36:12,213 Does it make me a terrible person? 974 00:36:12,255 --> 00:36:15,300 - I don't... I don't think so. 975 00:36:15,342 --> 00:36:17,886 - Because I felt so awful about my feelings. 976 00:36:17,927 --> 00:36:20,680 And I went to confession and Father O'Neill said, 977 00:36:20,722 --> 00:36:23,975 "Well, God wouldn't approve of that." 978 00:36:24,017 --> 00:36:27,228 Maybe this Christmas I should make her a mitten. 979 00:36:27,270 --> 00:36:28,855 - Uh, maybe. 980 00:36:28,897 --> 00:36:30,607 - With a pretty, little card that says, 981 00:36:30,648 --> 00:36:32,525 "I'm sorry for your hand." 982 00:36:32,567 --> 00:36:34,819 - I would just let that one lie. 983 00:36:39,032 --> 00:36:40,700 - What was that noise? 984 00:36:40,742 --> 00:36:42,410 - I think someone's in the closet. 985 00:36:44,579 --> 00:36:45,997 - W-w-what's that? - It's Mace. 986 00:36:46,039 --> 00:36:47,374 Just be careful. 987 00:36:53,713 --> 00:36:55,298 both: Fuck! - What the fuck? 988 00:36:55,340 --> 00:36:56,549 - Oh, it burns! 989 00:36:56,591 --> 00:36:58,218 - Why the fuck do you have Mace? 990 00:36:58,259 --> 00:36:59,719 - Why the fuck are you in my closet? 991 00:36:59,761 --> 00:37:01,572 - What, do you protect your tuna collection with that? 992 00:37:01,596 --> 00:37:02,639 - Answer the question. 993 00:37:02,681 --> 00:37:04,557 - Why do you have the fucking tuna? 994 00:37:04,599 --> 00:37:06,601 Are you scared to eat our food? What is it? 995 00:37:06,643 --> 00:37:07,977 - Answer my question. 996 00:37:08,019 --> 00:37:10,063 Teddy! Teddy, where are you? 997 00:37:10,105 --> 00:37:11,064 - Oh, my God. 998 00:37:11,106 --> 00:37:13,233 Uh, is that mary-ja-wana? 999 00:37:13,274 --> 00:37:14,526 - Oh, shit. 1000 00:37:14,567 --> 00:37:16,152 - What are you doing with drugs? 1001 00:37:16,194 --> 00:37:17,237 - Aunt Suze. 1002 00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:20,949 This is my fault. 1003 00:37:23,576 --> 00:37:25,495 - We opened our home to you. 1004 00:37:25,537 --> 00:37:27,747 We let you stay here in our house 1005 00:37:27,789 --> 00:37:29,266 so you could go to that goddamn school. 1006 00:37:29,290 --> 00:37:32,502 - I know, Uncle Matty. And believe me, I am so sorry. 1007 00:37:32,544 --> 00:37:35,088 - And you pay us back by dealing drugs to our son? 1008 00:37:35,130 --> 00:37:37,549 - I never wanted John to get involved, I promise you. 1009 00:37:37,590 --> 00:37:38,758 I sold the pot to Ted. 1010 00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:40,427 - I never should have let Johnny try it. 1011 00:37:40,468 --> 00:37:42,595 I have failed in my role as a... a... 1012 00:37:42,637 --> 00:37:44,889 a sort of Jiminy Cricket figure. 1013 00:37:44,931 --> 00:37:46,349 - I don't know what the big deal is. 1014 00:37:46,391 --> 00:37:48,327 You know, weed's gonna be legal in like a year anyway. 1015 00:37:48,351 --> 00:37:51,604 - It's a gateway drug! They talk about it on the news! 1016 00:37:51,646 --> 00:37:52,873 - Well, what are we supposed to do? 1017 00:37:52,897 --> 00:37:54,315 Start with heroin? 1018 00:37:54,357 --> 00:37:58,111 - Well, why in God's name are you dealing drugs at all? 1019 00:37:58,153 --> 00:38:01,573 - My friend, Sarah and I, we grow it in her apartment, 1020 00:38:01,614 --> 00:38:04,868 and we're using the money to help pay for tuition. 1021 00:38:04,909 --> 00:38:06,470 - Well, you... you can't work at McDonald's? 1022 00:38:06,494 --> 00:38:07,954 - It's 15k a year, Matty. 1023 00:38:07,996 --> 00:38:09,914 I'd have to sell myself at McDonald's. 1024 00:38:09,956 --> 00:38:11,875 - Oh, you could call it Filet-O-Flesh. 1025 00:38:11,916 --> 00:38:13,001 Is that something? 1026 00:38:13,043 --> 00:38:14,353 - She won't even work, and here we are 1027 00:38:14,377 --> 00:38:15,604 putting her up out of the goodness of our hearts! 1028 00:38:15,628 --> 00:38:17,047 - Egg McFuckin', maybe? 1029 00:38:17,088 --> 00:38:18,983 - The goodness of your hearts and a monthly rent check. 1030 00:38:19,007 --> 00:38:20,425 - A Quarter To Pound Her? 1031 00:38:20,467 --> 00:38:22,153 I... should I stop? I feel like there's no traction here. 1032 00:38:22,177 --> 00:38:23,553 - Matty? 1033 00:38:23,595 --> 00:38:25,221 You're charging her rent? 1034 00:38:25,263 --> 00:38:26,639 - Yes, I am. 1035 00:38:26,681 --> 00:38:29,059 This is my house. I got the right to charge rent. 1036 00:38:29,100 --> 00:38:30,643 - But, Matty, she's family. 1037 00:38:30,685 --> 00:38:32,103 - Susan. - She's our niece. 1038 00:38:32,145 --> 00:38:33,873 - Susan, will you be quiet and let me handle this? 1039 00:38:33,897 --> 00:38:35,815 - Hey, don't talk to her like that. 1040 00:38:35,857 --> 00:38:37,067 - Excuse me? 1041 00:38:37,108 --> 00:38:38,193 - You do this all the time. 1042 00:38:38,234 --> 00:38:39,861 You silence her voice, you belittle her, 1043 00:38:39,903 --> 00:38:42,447 you cut her down, you treat her like shit. 1044 00:38:42,489 --> 00:38:43,698 - I do not. 1045 00:38:43,740 --> 00:38:46,159 I love my fucking wife, and she knows it. 1046 00:38:46,201 --> 00:38:47,410 Don't you, Susan? 1047 00:38:47,452 --> 00:38:49,579 - I can't believe you'd make her pay rent. 1048 00:38:49,621 --> 00:38:51,831 - Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one in the hot seat here. 1049 00:38:51,873 --> 00:38:54,501 She's a drug dealer, and I want her out of this house tonight. 1050 00:38:54,542 --> 00:38:55,669 - Matty, please. 1051 00:38:55,710 --> 00:38:58,380 - End of discussion! Tonight! 1052 00:38:58,421 --> 00:39:00,382 - Come on. Wait. 1053 00:39:05,470 --> 00:39:09,099 Christie! That was the Black Barbie's name. 1054 00:39:30,161 --> 00:39:33,832 - Hey, Blaire, uh, can we talk to you for a sec? 1055 00:39:33,873 --> 00:39:35,083 - Sure. 1056 00:39:35,125 --> 00:39:37,544 Got a couple minutes before I become homeless. 1057 00:39:37,585 --> 00:39:41,339 - Hey, listen, Blaire. Uh, I'm really sorry. 1058 00:39:41,381 --> 00:39:42,716 - Me too. 1059 00:39:42,757 --> 00:39:45,427 - Yeah, well, it's a little late for that. 1060 00:39:45,468 --> 00:39:47,512 - We didn't want you to have to leave. 1061 00:39:47,554 --> 00:39:50,181 Even if your bed is the size of a pool table. 1062 00:39:50,223 --> 00:39:51,141 I mean, that's probably about 1063 00:39:51,182 --> 00:39:52,142 the size of a pool table, right? 1064 00:39:52,183 --> 00:39:54,310 - Shut the fuck up, Teddy. 1065 00:39:54,352 --> 00:39:56,604 Look, we know you're mad because Dad gave you the boot. 1066 00:39:56,646 --> 00:39:58,898 But... - Yeah, that's not why I'm mad. 1067 00:39:58,940 --> 00:40:02,235 You have no idea why I'm mad. 1068 00:40:02,277 --> 00:40:05,530 Do you know all the details of why I've been living here 1069 00:40:05,572 --> 00:40:08,450 when my own family lives 45 minutes away? 1070 00:40:08,491 --> 00:40:09,993 I could easily commute to school, 1071 00:40:10,035 --> 00:40:14,581 but my family is fucked, every one of them. 1072 00:40:14,622 --> 00:40:17,667 In case you don't get the scope of things, 1073 00:40:17,709 --> 00:40:21,129 my dad, your Uncle Bernie, is a drunk and an asshole, 1074 00:40:21,171 --> 00:40:24,632 my mom's a psycho lunatic, and my brother's in prison. 1075 00:40:24,674 --> 00:40:26,468 - Jesus. What about your dog? 1076 00:40:26,509 --> 00:40:27,469 - Dead. 1077 00:40:27,510 --> 00:40:28,762 - Fuck. 1078 00:40:28,803 --> 00:40:30,764 - Mom and Dad are lost causes, but... 1079 00:40:30,805 --> 00:40:34,267 I tried so hard to protect Kevin. 1080 00:40:34,309 --> 00:40:36,102 And I couldn't. 1081 00:40:36,144 --> 00:40:38,646 He's his parents' son, so now he's serving ten years 1082 00:40:38,688 --> 00:40:40,690 for robbing a Mrs. Fields at gunpoint 1083 00:40:40,732 --> 00:40:42,108 andpossession of crack. 1084 00:40:42,150 --> 00:40:44,152 - Well, I mean, Mrs. Fields and crack. 1085 00:40:44,194 --> 00:40:45,629 It's like what's the difference, right? 1086 00:40:47,197 --> 00:40:48,365 Please, continue. 1087 00:40:48,406 --> 00:40:50,033 - Look, I just... 1088 00:40:50,075 --> 00:40:52,660 I don't want the same thing to happen to you. 1089 00:40:52,702 --> 00:40:54,788 And when I moved here, I told myself 1090 00:40:54,829 --> 00:40:56,915 that I was gonna look after you 1091 00:40:56,956 --> 00:40:59,125 and make sure the fucked up Bennett DNA 1092 00:40:59,167 --> 00:41:00,710 didn't get to you too. 1093 00:41:00,752 --> 00:41:02,921 And instead, I introduced you 1094 00:41:02,962 --> 00:41:05,715 to the wonderful world of drugs. 1095 00:41:05,757 --> 00:41:10,762 I'm not mad at you, all right? I'm mad at myself. 1096 00:41:10,804 --> 00:41:13,139 - Look, Blaire, I... 1097 00:41:13,181 --> 00:41:16,601 I never expected you to look out for me like that. 1098 00:41:16,643 --> 00:41:21,356 - Just take care of yourself, all right? 1099 00:41:21,398 --> 00:41:23,358 Our family is poison. 1100 00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:26,152 Do better than them. 1101 00:41:26,194 --> 00:41:28,488 - Where you gonna go? 1102 00:41:28,530 --> 00:41:30,615 - Stay with Sarah for a few weeks. 1103 00:41:30,657 --> 00:41:32,534 There's an open spot near the sativa. 1104 00:41:32,575 --> 00:41:36,788 But after that, I don't know. 1105 00:41:39,207 --> 00:41:40,709 See you. 1106 00:41:50,301 --> 00:41:52,804 - God, Lori Loughlin's fucking gorgeous. 1107 00:41:52,846 --> 00:41:54,597 That woman can do no wrong. 1108 00:41:54,639 --> 00:41:56,016 - Hey, don't start jerking off. 1109 00:41:56,057 --> 00:41:57,767 - Hey, that poster is not for jerking off. 1110 00:41:57,809 --> 00:42:00,186 It's for imagining being married, you sick fuck. 1111 00:42:00,228 --> 00:42:01,229 - Wow. - Yeah! 1112 00:42:01,271 --> 00:42:03,064 - You... you've imagined the wedding? 1113 00:42:03,106 --> 00:42:04,357 - Well, yeah. 1114 00:42:04,399 --> 00:42:06,127 The cover of "People" magazine's a photo of us, 1115 00:42:06,151 --> 00:42:08,236 and it says, "Who's Loughlin now?" 1116 00:42:08,278 --> 00:42:10,155 - So you took her name? 1117 00:42:10,196 --> 00:42:12,240 - No, no. But they need to sell copies. 1118 00:42:12,282 --> 00:42:14,659 - Well, it's good to know you can be both erect 1119 00:42:14,701 --> 00:42:16,286 and market-savvy. 1120 00:42:16,327 --> 00:42:18,538 Teddy, this whole Blaire situation 1121 00:42:18,580 --> 00:42:19,706 is really shitty. 1122 00:42:19,748 --> 00:42:21,332 Yeah, I know. 1123 00:42:21,374 --> 00:42:23,710 - I mean, I never knew she thought of me that way. 1124 00:42:23,752 --> 00:42:25,587 It's like a little brother. 1125 00:42:25,628 --> 00:42:27,064 I always wanted a brother or a sister, 1126 00:42:27,088 --> 00:42:30,592 and there she was, right there all along. 1127 00:42:30,633 --> 00:42:31,968 - Yeah. 1128 00:42:32,010 --> 00:42:34,137 I guess under all that complaining about racism, 1129 00:42:34,179 --> 00:42:36,473 there's actually a good person in there. 1130 00:42:36,514 --> 00:42:40,060 - Teddy, we gotta do something. I mean, this is our fault. 1131 00:42:40,101 --> 00:42:43,063 Like, maybe I can talk to Dad, get him to change his mind. 1132 00:42:43,104 --> 00:42:44,898 - Yeah, good luck. He's never gonna listen. 1133 00:42:44,939 --> 00:42:45,958 - I mean, we can't just lay here 1134 00:42:45,982 --> 00:42:47,692 and let her get fucked over. 1135 00:42:47,734 --> 00:42:49,611 There's gotta be something we can do. 1136 00:42:49,652 --> 00:42:51,488 - Wait a minute. You know what? 1137 00:42:51,529 --> 00:42:52,864 There is. 1138 00:42:52,906 --> 00:42:56,826 We are gonna open the box. 1139 00:43:03,958 --> 00:43:06,169 - There you go. I'll be right outside. 1140 00:43:06,211 --> 00:43:07,396 Just let me know when you're finished. 1141 00:43:07,420 --> 00:43:08,797 - Thank you. - Thanks. 1142 00:43:11,341 --> 00:43:12,842 - Did you know that 1143 00:43:12,884 --> 00:43:15,887 textile polymers are so thin nowadays that someone could be 1144 00:43:15,929 --> 00:43:19,641 wearing an adult diaper and no one would even know it? 1145 00:43:19,683 --> 00:43:20,725 - What? 1146 00:43:20,767 --> 00:43:21,851 - No bulky padding, 1147 00:43:21,893 --> 00:43:24,062 no unsightly bulges in the trousers. 1148 00:43:24,104 --> 00:43:26,231 - I... I didn't know that. No. 1149 00:43:26,272 --> 00:43:27,357 - It's amazing. 1150 00:43:27,399 --> 00:43:29,859 A person, anyone could be talking to you 1151 00:43:29,901 --> 00:43:33,071 and relieving themselves at the same time. 1152 00:43:33,113 --> 00:43:35,740 And you'd never even know it. 1153 00:43:35,782 --> 00:43:36,783 - OK. 1154 00:43:36,825 --> 00:43:38,993 - And that's great news. 1155 00:43:39,035 --> 00:43:40,662 - Are you wearing a diaper? 1156 00:43:40,704 --> 00:43:42,539 - No. Don't make this weird. 1157 00:43:42,580 --> 00:43:43,581 - OK. 1158 00:43:43,623 --> 00:43:44,624 - I'm just saying 1159 00:43:44,666 --> 00:43:46,084 the technology has come so far 1160 00:43:46,126 --> 00:43:48,336 that limits practically don't exist. 1161 00:43:48,378 --> 00:43:49,963 It's all about confidence. 1162 00:43:50,005 --> 00:43:51,965 So take that long car ride, 1163 00:43:52,007 --> 00:43:55,301 climb that mountain, have that iced tea refill. 1164 00:43:55,343 --> 00:43:57,012 - We... we will. 1165 00:44:00,390 --> 00:44:03,351 - What limits? 1166 00:44:04,602 --> 00:44:05,895 - Jesus, we gotta switch banks. 1167 00:44:05,937 --> 00:44:07,355 - Yeah, seriously. 1168 00:44:13,611 --> 00:44:14,738 Here it is. 1169 00:44:14,779 --> 00:44:16,031 - Yep. 1170 00:44:16,072 --> 00:44:17,866 - You're sure you wanna do this, right? 1171 00:44:17,907 --> 00:44:19,301 I mean, once Dad finds out you have it, 1172 00:44:19,325 --> 00:44:21,327 there's no going back, like ever. 1173 00:44:21,369 --> 00:44:22,579 He's gonna go nuts. 1174 00:44:22,620 --> 00:44:23,764 - That's why I never told him. 1175 00:44:23,788 --> 00:44:25,165 I guess deep down, 1176 00:44:25,206 --> 00:44:27,334 I was saving it for a day like this 1177 00:44:27,375 --> 00:44:30,503 when the chips were down and all hope seemed lost. 1178 00:44:30,545 --> 00:44:32,088 - OK. 1179 00:44:32,130 --> 00:44:34,007 Good. Let's do it. 1180 00:44:34,049 --> 00:44:36,593 - All right, we're done! 1181 00:44:36,634 --> 00:44:38,011 Sir? 1182 00:44:38,053 --> 00:44:40,722 I need you to open box 1080. 1183 00:44:40,764 --> 00:44:42,057 There's a pair of jeans in there! 1184 00:44:42,098 --> 00:44:43,892 - What? - Just do it! 1185 00:44:49,939 --> 00:44:51,375 - What, you're just... you're just not gonna... 1186 00:44:51,399 --> 00:44:53,818 not gonna talk to me for the rest of your life, huh? 1187 00:44:53,860 --> 00:44:55,737 Is that it? 1188 00:44:55,779 --> 00:44:58,948 Well, you'd... you've... you've taken 1189 00:44:58,990 --> 00:45:04,037 a... taken a vow of silence, like a... like a monk, huh? 1190 00:45:04,079 --> 00:45:05,973 You're gonna... you're gonna shave your head too? 1191 00:45:05,997 --> 00:45:07,957 'Cause, well, go ahead. 1192 00:45:07,999 --> 00:45:09,226 Go ahead, then you won't... then you won't... 1193 00:45:09,250 --> 00:45:11,419 then you won't clog the shower drain. 1194 00:45:15,423 --> 00:45:16,549 What do you guys want? 1195 00:45:16,591 --> 00:45:17,884 - I want to cut a deal. 1196 00:45:17,926 --> 00:45:20,220 - What? What are you talking about? 1197 00:45:20,261 --> 00:45:21,805 - Let me tell you a story, Matty. 1198 00:45:21,846 --> 00:45:23,223 Back when I was in Hollywood, 1199 00:45:23,264 --> 00:45:26,893 I almost made a movie with Sly Stallone. 1200 00:45:26,935 --> 00:45:28,687 - Bullshit. - No bullshit. 1201 00:45:28,728 --> 00:45:30,271 - "Rocky" Stallone? - Yep. 1202 00:45:30,313 --> 00:45:32,357 He came to me with a project and I said yes. 1203 00:45:32,399 --> 00:45:34,526 It was gonna be about this astronaut cop 1204 00:45:34,567 --> 00:45:36,277 and this wisecracking bear. 1205 00:45:36,319 --> 00:45:37,529 I was the bear. 1206 00:45:37,570 --> 00:45:39,739 And they gotta go to space to save Christmas, 1207 00:45:39,781 --> 00:45:41,133 but then the "Challenger" exploded, 1208 00:45:41,157 --> 00:45:42,784 so they had to scrap the project. 1209 00:45:42,826 --> 00:45:44,661 - Oh, man, what a bummer. 1210 00:45:44,703 --> 00:45:46,037 - I know, right? 1211 00:45:46,079 --> 00:45:47,181 I mean, that's when America could have used 1212 00:45:47,205 --> 00:45:48,915 a movie like that the most! 1213 00:45:48,957 --> 00:45:51,334 Anyway, Stallone felt really bad about it, 1214 00:45:51,376 --> 00:45:53,878 so he gave me this. 1215 00:46:02,762 --> 00:46:03,763 - What is it? 1216 00:46:03,805 --> 00:46:06,641 - Rocky's mouth guard. 1217 00:46:06,683 --> 00:46:08,351 - Fuck you. You're kidding. 1218 00:46:08,393 --> 00:46:09,894 - Nope. - You're shitting me. 1219 00:46:09,936 --> 00:46:11,104 - No shit. 1220 00:46:11,146 --> 00:46:13,273 - Wait. Does that mean... 1221 00:46:13,314 --> 00:46:15,442 - Yes, the one at Planet Hollywood is a fake. 1222 00:46:15,483 --> 00:46:17,777 - Holy... 1223 00:46:17,819 --> 00:46:19,988 holy shit! 1224 00:46:20,030 --> 00:46:21,531 Holy fucking shit! 1225 00:46:21,573 --> 00:46:23,992 - Now, I will give you this priceless item... 1226 00:46:25,285 --> 00:46:28,997 If you give Blaire another chance. 1227 00:46:29,039 --> 00:46:31,833 - Huh? - Just let her stay. 1228 00:46:31,875 --> 00:46:34,627 - Oh. 1229 00:46:34,669 --> 00:46:35,795 I don't know. 1230 00:46:35,837 --> 00:46:39,632 - Hey, why don't you put it on? 1231 00:46:39,674 --> 00:46:41,134 Go on. 1232 00:46:41,176 --> 00:46:44,679 That was in Sylvester Stallone's mouth in 1976. 1233 00:46:44,721 --> 00:46:47,015 See how it feels in yours. 1234 00:46:54,356 --> 00:46:55,648 - Mmm. 1235 00:46:57,776 --> 00:47:00,612 Oh. 1236 00:47:00,653 --> 00:47:02,030 Oh, wow. 1237 00:47:03,823 --> 00:47:06,159 I feel him. 1238 00:47:06,201 --> 00:47:08,328 I... I... I feel him in my mouth. 1239 00:47:08,370 --> 00:47:10,288 - You gotta go the distance, Matty. 1240 00:47:10,330 --> 00:47:11,956 Rocky would never have given up 1241 00:47:11,998 --> 00:47:13,375 on his brother's wife's daughter. 1242 00:47:13,416 --> 00:47:15,126 And neither should you. - No. 1243 00:47:15,168 --> 00:47:16,211 - What do you say? 1244 00:47:22,342 --> 00:47:24,678 - OK. - OK, what? 1245 00:47:24,719 --> 00:47:25,887 - She can stay. 1246 00:47:25,929 --> 00:47:28,515 - Oh, Matty, you mean it? 1247 00:47:28,556 --> 00:47:29,766 - Yeah, fuck it. 1248 00:47:29,808 --> 00:47:30,767 Oh! 1249 00:47:30,809 --> 00:47:33,019 Oh, honey, and no rent? 1250 00:47:33,061 --> 00:47:34,145 - Yeah, yeah. - Right? 1251 00:47:34,187 --> 00:47:37,065 - Fine, fine. - Thank you so much. 1252 00:47:39,067 --> 00:47:42,737 - I'm gonna sleep in it. 1253 00:47:42,779 --> 00:47:44,698 - Nice job, Teddy. 1254 00:47:44,739 --> 00:47:47,117 We did it. - Yeah, we did. 1255 00:47:47,158 --> 00:47:48,034 - You know, I think you and Stallone 1256 00:47:48,076 --> 00:47:49,411 could still make that movie. 1257 00:47:49,452 --> 00:47:52,080 - Oh, God. No way. It was total fucking garbage. 1258 00:47:52,122 --> 00:47:54,374 I don't wanna sound crazy, but I honestly think 1259 00:47:54,416 --> 00:47:56,209 Paramount blew up the space shuttle 1260 00:47:56,251 --> 00:47:57,687 so they wouldn't have to make that movie. 1261 00:47:57,711 --> 00:47:59,087 - Jesus, that bad, huh? 1262 00:47:59,129 --> 00:48:02,298 - It was that bad, yeah. - Shit. 1263 00:48:07,262 --> 00:48:09,389 - I don't know how to thank you guys. 1264 00:48:09,431 --> 00:48:13,518 I mean, never in a million years did I expect this. 1265 00:48:13,560 --> 00:48:15,645 You know, I was starting to think 1266 00:48:15,687 --> 00:48:18,106 it was impossible for any of us to break the curse 1267 00:48:18,148 --> 00:48:21,317 of the Bennett blood, but what you did, 1268 00:48:21,359 --> 00:48:24,446 it gives me a lot of hope. 1269 00:48:24,487 --> 00:48:25,739 Thank you. 1270 00:48:25,780 --> 00:48:27,383 - Ah, we were just trying to make things right. 1271 00:48:27,407 --> 00:48:30,618 - No, no, no, no. I... I mean it, though. 1272 00:48:30,660 --> 00:48:33,079 You're not like the rest of the family. 1273 00:48:33,121 --> 00:48:35,123 You've got a shot. 1274 00:48:35,165 --> 00:48:38,001 I think of my dad, drunk on his ratty couch, 1275 00:48:38,043 --> 00:48:40,086 watching "Flash Gordon" or some shit, 1276 00:48:40,128 --> 00:48:43,381 but that's not gonna be you. 1277 00:48:43,423 --> 00:48:45,967 You... you're gonna do something with your life. 1278 00:48:46,009 --> 00:48:48,595 You're gonna be somebody. 1279 00:48:48,636 --> 00:48:49,637 - Thanks, Blaire. 1280 00:48:54,100 --> 00:48:57,103 - Just promise me this. 1281 00:48:57,145 --> 00:48:59,397 No more drugs. Yeah? 1282 00:48:59,439 --> 00:49:00,523 - No more drugs. 1283 00:49:00,565 --> 00:49:01,733 - No more drugs. 1284 00:49:05,653 --> 00:49:06,613 - Besides pot. 1285 00:49:06,654 --> 00:49:07,864 - Besides pot. 1286 00:49:09,324 --> 00:49:10,950 - ♪ Flash! ♪ 1287 00:49:10,992 --> 00:49:12,952 ♪ A-ah! ♪ 1288 00:49:12,994 --> 00:49:14,662 ♪ Savior of the universe ♪ 1289 00:49:20,335 --> 00:49:22,045 ♪ Flash! ♪ 1290 00:49:22,087 --> 00:49:24,130 ♪ A-ah! ♪ 1291 00:49:24,172 --> 00:49:25,799 ♪ He'll save every one of us ♪ 1292 00:49:39,062 --> 00:49:40,814 ♪ Flash! ♪ 1293 00:49:40,855 --> 00:49:43,149 ♪ A-ah! ♪ 1294 00:49:43,191 --> 00:49:44,484 ♪ He's a miracle ♪ 1295 00:49:50,156 --> 00:49:51,825 ♪ Flash! ♪ 1296 00:49:51,866 --> 00:49:53,576 ♪ A-ah! ♪ 1297 00:49:53,618 --> 00:49:55,203 ♪ King of the impossible ♪ 1298 00:49:58,123 --> 00:50:00,166 ♪ He's for every one of us ♪ 1299 00:50:00,208 --> 00:50:02,419 ♪ Stand for every one of us ♪ 1300 00:50:02,460 --> 00:50:03,920 ♪ He saves with a mighty hand ♪ 1301 00:50:03,962 --> 00:50:05,481 ♪ Every man, every woman, every child ♪ 1302 00:50:05,505 --> 00:50:07,007 ♪ It's the mighty flash ♪ 1303 00:50:19,352 --> 00:50:21,021 ♪ Flash! ♪ 1304 00:50:21,062 --> 00:50:23,773 ♪ A-ah! ♪ 1305 00:50:23,815 --> 00:50:29,815 ♪ ♪ 1306 00:50:30,155 --> 00:50:31,781 ♪ Flash! ♪ 1307 00:50:31,823 --> 00:50:34,075 ♪ A-ah! ♪ 1308 00:50:34,117 --> 00:50:36,077 ♪ He'll save every one of us ♪ 94034

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