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1
00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:12,054
I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time.
2
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,848
Friendly faces everywhere.
3
00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,725
Humble folks
without temptation.
4
00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:18,602
Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind.
5
00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,187
Ample parking day or night.
6
00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,148
People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!"
7
00:00:22,273 --> 00:00:25,317
Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind.
8
00:00:25,443 --> 00:00:27,111
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.
9
00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:29,071
Timmy, Timmy,
liv-a-la, Timmy!
10
00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:33,325
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine.
11
00:00:35,119 --> 00:00:37,371
Parents, it's that
time of year again
12
00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:39,391
when the bishops and priests
from around the country
13
00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:42,126
are organizing the Young Men's
Catholic Retreat.
14
00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:45,087
This year, we're taking the boys
on a weekend boat trip
15
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:48,591
to discuss Jesus' role
as the navigator of our lives.
16
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:49,592
That sounds pretty fun.
17
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,053
A Catholic boat trip?
18
00:00:57,808 --> 00:01:01,353
The Catholic Boat.
19
00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:06,108
Is gonna be heading on out
today.
20
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:09,403
The Catholic Boat.
21
00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:14,116
Time to throw
all of your cares away.
22
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:17,286
Get some hot Christian action
that'll take you...
23
00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,921
Excuse me.
24
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,102
Look, I just don't think
it's the best idea
25
00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,593
to let our boys go on
a cruise with the priest.
26
00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:34,470
We can't let them go, can we?
27
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,097
There's no way my son's going.
28
00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:38,784
- What are they talking about?
- I don't know.
29
00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:40,017
Maybe they want to kill us!
30
00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,894
With everything that's
been in the news,
31
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,688
I think it's best we keep our
kids far away from the priests.
32
00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:46,814
Now, come on, everybody.
Just because a few priests
33
00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:48,484
in the country
have been corrupt,
34
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,378
it doesn't mean that all priests
are child molesters.
35
00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,822
Well, sure, that's easy for you
to say... Your son's dead.
36
00:01:52,947 --> 00:01:54,824
But those of us
with alive children
37
00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,201
need to be sure that Father Maxi
is on the up-and-up.
38
00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:59,411
I've heard about other towns
bringing in counselors
39
00:01:59,537 --> 00:02:01,247
that know how to find
things out from kids
40
00:02:01,372 --> 00:02:03,016
without really telling them
what's going on.
41
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,250
It couldn't hurt.
42
00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:06,919
Here he comes. Here he comes.
43
00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,842
Uh, goodbye, everyone.
44
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,718
Bye!
45
00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:18,848
All right, then it's settled.
46
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,367
Tomorrow we'll find
an outside counselor
47
00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,726
and find out the truth.
48
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,313
Hi, boys.
My name is Mrs. Gorache,
49
00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:28,023
and I need to ask you
a few questions
50
00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,692
about your priest, okay?
51
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,610
- Okay.
- Okay.
52
00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:35,489
Would you say that Father Maxi
is nice or mean?
53
00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:37,283
- Fine. Nice.
- Cool.
54
00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:38,951
Okay, what words would you use
55
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,995
to describe
your church's priest?
56
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,789
Compassionate.
57
00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:47,710
Okay, and did Father Maxi,
at any time,
58
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:51,839
ever try to put something
in your butt?
59
00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:56,468
I-In our butt?
60
00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:58,196
You don't need to be ashamed
or embarrassed.
61
00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,515
Just did he ever try to put
anything in your butt?
62
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,603
Like money? What?
63
00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:07,021
You mean like a goldfish?
64
00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:09,565
No, no, did he ever
try to put anything
65
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,318
that belonged to him
in your butt?
66
00:03:12,443 --> 00:03:14,195
No.
67
00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,531
This is ridiculous...
Having to sit out here
68
00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:20,367
waiting to find out
if our priest molested our kids.
69
00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:23,037
Yeah, what has Catholicism
come to, anyway?
70
00:03:23,162 --> 00:03:25,202
You know, I think we've just
had it with the Church.
71
00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:27,416
All the horrible things
they've done to kids.
72
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,418
I think I'm gonna
become an atheist.
73
00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,545
That's a good idea.
I'm gonna be an atheist, too.
74
00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:32,880
Let's all be atheists.
75
00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:34,798
- Yeah!
- If there was a God,
76
00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:37,551
why would he let our kids be
molested in the first place?
77
00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,803
Yeah, let's kill God.
Yeah!
78
00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:42,097
Well, let's...
Let's just be atheists.
79
00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:43,933
Same thing.
80
00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:45,100
Yeah!
81
00:03:51,232 --> 00:03:53,108
What would the priest...
82
00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:55,569
possibly want to put
in our butts?
83
00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:59,782
Maybe... No.
84
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:00,950
- Hey, dudes.
- Hey.
85
00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:02,355
- Aah!
- What are you guys doing?
86
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,089
We had to go meet
with this counselor lady,
87
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,263
and she asked us if the priest
88
00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,331
ever put anything in our butts.
89
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:08,666
In your butts?
90
00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:10,227
Yeah, isn't that
the damnedest thing?
91
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,835
Why would he put anything
in your butts?
92
00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:14,081
We don't know. That's what
we're trying to figure out.
93
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,051
Hello, there, children.
94
00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:22,221
Chef! What would a priest
want to stick up my butt?
95
00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:23,722
Goodbye.
96
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,642
Nobody's going to tell us!
97
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,578
- This is gonna drive me insane!
- Calm down, Tweek.
98
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,187
There has
to be a rational explanation.
99
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,331
Oh, dude, I think
I might have it.
100
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:32,731
- What?
- It makes perfect sense.
101
00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,233
Okay, run with me on this.
102
00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,902
If you eat food, you crap
out your butt, right?
103
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,612
- Yeah.
- All right.
104
00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,548
Now, keep with me here.
It gets a little complicated.
105
00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,658
If you eat food
and crap out your butt,
106
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,494
then maybe if you
stuck food in your butt,
107
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,705
you would crap out your mouth.
108
00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,602
Cartman, that's the dumbest
thing you've ever said...
109
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,295
- this week.
- Why? That's not dumb!
110
00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:56,356
Think about it! Food goes in
the mouth, comes out the butt.
111
00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:58,024
Food goes in the butt,
comes out the mouth.
112
00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,248
That's not dumb,
that's genius.
113
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,218
- It wouldn't work!
- Have you ever tried it?
114
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,654
I don't need to.
It wouldn't work!
115
00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:04,013
I'll bet you 20 bucks
it'll work!
116
00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:06,015
- You're on, fat boy!
- Okay, let's go, Jew!
117
00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,435
Down with God!
118
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,104
- Stan, you're an atheist now!
- You too, Tweek.
119
00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:14,606
Let's be atheists!
120
00:05:14,732 --> 00:05:16,108
I'm a what?
121
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,110
Fathers, I want to thank you
all for coming.
122
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,029
No, thank you
for finally organizing
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00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:21,905
an all-priest meeting,
Father Maxi.
124
00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:24,575
I think we all agree something
has to be done quickly.
125
00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,452
- Hear, hear!
- It certainly does!
126
00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:28,305
Well, I don't know how it's been
for all of you,
127
00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:31,290
but attendance at my church
in Fort Rollins is down 63%.
128
00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:33,042
I'm down almost 70%
in Greenleaf.
129
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,711
Yes, I'm afraid if things
keep going the way they are,
130
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,504
we could lose
our entire religion!
131
00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:40,424
Yes! We've got to stop these
boys from going to the public!
132
00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:42,349
They've got to know
to keep their mouths shut.
133
00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:43,552
- That's right!
- Yep!
134
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,013
Right. And so...
W-Wait a minute. What?
135
00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:48,182
Yes, but we've got to find out
why these children
136
00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:49,683
are suddenly
finding it necessary
137
00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,393
to report that they're
being molested.
138
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,937
- Stop the problem at its source.
- Yes, but how?
139
00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:55,481
- Yeah!
- I don't know what...
140
00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:57,232
Hold on a second.
141
00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,360
The problem is that
children are being molested,
142
00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:01,362
not that they're reporting it!
143
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,158
How do you mean?
144
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,952
Well, I mean, obviously
what we need to put a stop to
145
00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:10,412
is all the sexual misconduct
146
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,498
that is allowed to take place
in our churches,
147
00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:14,601
not just tell the children
not to tell anybody about it.
148
00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,335
I mean, right?
149
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,772
Well, did any of the children
you've molested come forward?
150
00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,130
- No!
- That's good.
151
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,590
No, I mean, I never molested
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00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,300
any of the children
in my church!
153
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,885
It's okay, Father Maxi.
154
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,179
We're all priests here.
The doors are closed.
155
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,264
For the love of God!
156
00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:30,950
Are you all saying
that you have engaged
157
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:33,435
in inappropriate relations
with your altar boys?
158
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,605
We are here to bring the light
of God, not harm the innocent!
159
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,945
I'm serious!
160
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,364
Father, having sex with boys
161
00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,574
is part of the Catholic
priest's way of life.
162
00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:48,700
Yeah!
163
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:51,620
Dear God.
164
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,330
This problem is much more severe
165
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,207
than I could have
possibly imagined.
166
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:58,836
I have to go to the Vatican
and get help!
167
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,134
- Well, Cartman?
- Hold on!
168
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,802
God, let a man crap!
169
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:12,057
- What's going on?
- Cartman shoved food up his ass.
170
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,822
And now he's trying
to crap out his mouth.
171
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,689
Well, go on, smart ass,
and do it!
172
00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:21,275
I'm doing it a'eady!
God, give me a minute!
173
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,193
- You've had five, dude.
- I can't...
174
00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,487
I can't do it with you guys
watching. Turn around.
175
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:26,923
No, because you'll
just crap out your butt
176
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,657
and then say it
came out your mouth!
177
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,326
Do you really think
I'd be that deceitful, you guys?
178
00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:35,581
Oh, God damn it, you guys,
I'm so seriously...
179
00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,885
Get the fuck out of here.
180
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:50,429
Yes!
Yes, I did it!
181
00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:52,139
I crapped out my mouth!
182
00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:54,224
I crapped out my mouth.
183
00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:56,768
You owe me 20 bucks, dick face!
184
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:02,774
Well, there you go.
Uh... grazie.
185
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:06,153
I'm actually here.
186
00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:08,780
Vatican City!
187
00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,954
Your Holiness, this is
Father Maxi from America.
188
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,165
He has brought this all
to our attention.
189
00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:19,833
Your Holiness.
190
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,048
Adoramus te, Christe.
191
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:29,343
Et dominus vivo.
192
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,012
Cardinals, bishops, and priests,
193
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,389
an American priest
by the name of Maxi
194
00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:37,684
has brought to our attention
the most troubling of news.
195
00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:39,478
All over his country,
there are reports
196
00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:42,773
of children being molested
by men of the Church.
197
00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:44,816
If things continue this way,
198
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:47,861
we'll never be able to have
sex with young boys again!
199
00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,240
That's right.
Wait... What?!
200
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,909
In France, as well, we are
finding it harder and harder
201
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,619
to make love to our boys.
202
00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:57,996
In Morocco, they have
arrested five of my priests.
203
00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,666
It's only a matter of time
before they get the rest of us.
204
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,961
Father Maxi, what do you suggest
we do to not get caught?
205
00:09:04,086 --> 00:09:05,546
Not get caught?! No!
206
00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:08,549
I think what we should do
is not have sex with boys!
207
00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,344
It is not written anywhere
208
00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,137
in the Holy Document
of Vatican Law
209
00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:16,098
that sex with the boys is wrong.
210
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,516
Well, maybe we need to change
211
00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,393
the Holy Document
of Vatican Law.
212
00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:24,314
Speaking on behalf
of the British Catholics,
213
00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,275
it is obvious that the priest
doesn't realize
214
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,611
that the Holy Document of
Vatican Law cannot be changed!
215
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,863
- Yeah!
- He's right!
216
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,826
Yes, and speaking on behalf
of the Gelgamek Catholics,
217
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,035
I believe we should move on
218
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,121
to other solutions
to this problem!
219
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,415
Yeah!
220
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,917
Gelgameks?
221
00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:48,463
Kyle, could you help me out?
222
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,007
I need some advice.
223
00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:52,426
- What?
- It's just that...
224
00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:55,304
I can't decide what to buy
with your $20!
225
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:57,657
I was thinking of getting
this Mega-Man racer for $19.95,
226
00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,921
or I could get two Broncos'
trading packs for $10 apiece.
227
00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,685
And then I thought...
228
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:09,860
Oh, boy.
Now that we're atheists,
229
00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:11,296
we don't have to pray
for our food.
230
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,697
That's right.
Everyone just dig in.
231
00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:16,408
So, kids, anything fun happen
with your whole Sunday off?
232
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,201
Uh, Cartman shoved
his lunch up his ass
233
00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:19,367
and crapped out his mouth.
234
00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:21,246
- Stanley!
- What? He did!
235
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:23,332
No, it doesn't work
that way, son.
236
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:24,333
Yeah, it does.
237
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:25,459
No, it doesn't.
238
00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:27,878
Yeah. It does.
239
00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:41,975
Honey!
Honey, come quick!
240
00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:47,898
Look, people...
I'm just trying to say
241
00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:51,568
that if we don't change the
Holy Document of Vatican Law,
242
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:54,237
then we might lose
everyone to atheism!
243
00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:57,032
What exactly do you suggest
we change, Father Maxi?
244
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,451
Well, for one...
No sex with boys.
245
00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,122
The Holy Document
of Vatican Law states
246
00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,583
that a priest, bishop, or
cardinal cannot get married.
247
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,502
So where are we to get our sex?
248
00:11:08,627 --> 00:11:10,504
Well, then, perhaps
we could change
249
00:11:10,629 --> 00:11:13,215
the Holy Document of Vatican Law
to say that it's okay
250
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,758
for a priest
or bishop or cardinal
251
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:17,010
to have sex... with women.
252
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:20,222
Women?!
253
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,391
The Gelgamek vagina
is 3 feet wide
254
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,267
and filled
with razor-sharp teeth.
255
00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:27,521
Do you really expect us
to have sex with them?!
256
00:11:27,646 --> 00:11:30,732
O... Okay,
maybe we just need to forget
257
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,617
about the Gelgameks
for a second and focus...
258
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,528
Forget about the Gelgameks?!
259
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,490
I'm just saying what works
on planet Gelgamek
260
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,033
isn't necessarily going to work
261
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,618
for the rest of us
here on Earth.
262
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,454
You see? That's the problem
we're having here.
263
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:47,999
But the Holy Document of
Vatican Law cannot be changed!
264
00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,292
Why not?
265
00:11:49,418 --> 00:11:52,129
Because we don't know
where it is.
266
00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,924
You see, Father, the Holy
Document of Vatican Law
267
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,759
has been hidden away
deep in the catacombs
268
00:11:57,884 --> 00:11:59,553
of St. Peter's below us...
269
00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:02,347
hidden away so that it
can never be changed.
270
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:05,434
But if we locate it,
we could make changes to it?
271
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,310
Good luck, Father!
272
00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:09,312
The Document is guarded
by water lizards,
273
00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:11,064
rattlesnakes, and sand traps.
274
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:14,025
The fools who tried before
to recover it met their death!
275
00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:16,737
Well, we have to try.
Our religion is dying!
276
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,115
You guys, you guys, look!
277
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,242
I went down to the bank,
and I got Kyle's $20 bill
278
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,411
turned into 20 single
dollar bills!
279
00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:25,704
- So?
- So?!
280
00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:28,039
So now I can do this.
281
00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:29,541
Yes!
282
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,085
Yes, Kyle's money.
283
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,295
Mmm, Kyle's money.
284
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,671
Go fuck yourself, Cartman!
285
00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:37,174
Oh, it feels so good
on my skin. Mmm.
286
00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:39,259
Get up, fat boy!
I'm gonna kick your ass!
287
00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,570
Geez, Kyle,
don't be a sore loser.
288
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,053
It's over, okay?
I won. Let it go.
289
00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:44,031
So, you crapped out
of your mouth! Good for you!
290
00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,308
- It's still stupid and immature!
- Dude, look!
291
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,851
Our top story tonight...
292
00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,686
The age-old question
has been answered.
293
00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:52,230
"If I put food up my ass,
will I crap out my mouth?"
294
00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:54,316
All over the country,
people are discovering that,
295
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,026
yes, in fact, you will!
296
00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,111
The surgeon general
had this to say...
297
00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,071
"And the immediate research shows
298
00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:01,782
that the act
is not only amusing,
299
00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:03,700
but, in fact, much healthier
for our bodies
300
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,160
than the old way of eating.
301
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,037
You see, food entering
through the anus
302
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:09,223
has the benefit of being broken
down on its way to the stomach
303
00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:10,540
rather than afterward.
304
00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:12,518
And therefore, I believe
that intero-rectogestion
305
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,503
would actually put a stop
to high cholesterol
306
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,588
and most kinds
of stomach cancers.
307
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,548
And I base that
on absolutely nothing."
308
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,593
The surgeon general's response
has made Americans
309
00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:22,844
change their eating habits
almost instantly.
310
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,363
"That's stupid
and immature, Cartman."
311
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,722
It is stupid and immature!
312
00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,492
So you got people to crap
out of their mouths!
313
00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:28,876
What do you want,
a freaking medal?
314
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,727
The mayor of South Park
has announced
315
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,705
that for first discovering
this healthy way of eating,
316
00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,065
young citizen Eric Cartman
will be given a freaking medal!
317
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:40,654
Back now with more on
"Martha Stewart Living."
318
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,906
In the past few days,
we've all heard of the benefits
319
00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,659
of intero-rectogestion,
and so making foods
320
00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:48,203
that can easily be inserted
into the ass is essential.
321
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,704
Now, everyone knows
that some foods
322
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,057
are simple
to shove up the ass...
323
00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:52,541
Puddings, soups, raisins.
324
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:54,668
This is a nice
raisin pudding right here.
325
00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:56,553
But we can also still eat
our favorite foods.
326
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,046
What we're gonna do today
327
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,423
is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey
for intero-recto.
328
00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:02,634
Now, the key to shoving
a Turkey up your ass
329
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,219
is first wrapping it in string,
330
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,137
keeping the pointy wings
neatly at the side.
331
00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:08,223
Mrs. Stewart,
we have some questions.
332
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:11,268
Not right now. I just want
to focus on my turkey right now.
333
00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:12,936
Now, we're going
to baste the turkey
334
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,146
with lubricating gel
rather than with juice.
335
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:17,399
This will help smooth
the insertion later on.
336
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,402
We still bake at 400 degrees
for 20 minutes a pound.
337
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,988
And when it's done,
we'll get something like this.
338
00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:24,153
So, now we're ready to go.
339
00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:25,740
Looks delicious.
Let's try it out.
340
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:35,375
Ohh! Yeah, get it up there.
Yeah.
341
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:39,087
Ugh! Yeah!
342
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:45,218
Whew! And that is how
you eat a turkey.
343
00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:48,263
We'll be right back with more.
344
00:14:58,148 --> 00:14:59,816
Prego!
345
00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:01,359
Uh, hello.
346
00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,529
My name is Father Maxi
from the United States.
347
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:07,532
- What do you seek, Father?
- I...
348
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:10,285
I'm trying to find
the Holy Document of Vatican Law
349
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,537
so that we can make
revisions to it.
350
00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,874
That gospel lies somewhere
beyond this door.
351
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:19,169
But... many trials
await thee inside.
352
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,963
Only he whose heart
truly belongs to the Lord
353
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,507
- shall make it through.
- I have to try!
354
00:15:24,633 --> 00:15:25,953
Our religion is in trouble,
and...
355
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,594
And that scroll
may be our only hope!
356
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,638
Then prepare yourself.
357
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,223
The time of trials begins.
358
00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:35,060
Adoramus te, Christe!
359
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:41,441
I wish you luck, Father.
360
00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:45,195
Use all the strength, agility,
and faith that you have.
361
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,529
Very well.
362
00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:47,989
Here we go.
363
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,588
Hmm, there's
a ladder up here.
364
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,840
Oh, my God,
a rattlesnake!
365
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,760
A way back up!
366
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,931
I made it!
367
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,850
Praise be to God!
He hath shown me the way!
368
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,103
This must be it...
369
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,605
the Holy Document
of Vatican Law.
370
00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:26,486
Well, Sharon and I are having
a great time being atheists.
371
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,655
I, for one, can't believe
I used to live my life
372
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:31,491
by what a very old and very
fictional book used to say.
373
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,054
Well, it's true. I mean,
what do a bunch of stories
374
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,389
about people in robes
slaughtering goats
375
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:37,956
have to do with today's world?
376
00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:40,250
Atheism has definitely
made our lives better.
377
00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:42,752
I made some quesadillas
if anybody wants some!
378
00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,287
And if anybody needs to potty,
379
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:46,524
there's a potty basket
right here.
380
00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:47,882
Oh, thanks, Sharon.
381
00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:49,443
You know, for Martha and I,
we're worried
382
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,761
we might have a hard time
raising our son atheist.
383
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,388
I mean... Oh, thank you.
384
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,233
I mean, it could end up
being very difficult
385
00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:57,684
raising an atheist child
in such a Christian society.
386
00:16:57,809 --> 00:16:59,894
I feel like everywhere my poor son goes,
387
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:03,106
he's being persecuted
for his beliefs.
388
00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:05,567
That's true. If I'm gonna raise
my son to be atheist,
389
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:08,028
I don't want him saying
"under God" every day at school.
390
00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:09,612
That could really damage him.
391
00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:12,240
"Under God" should be taken
out of the... Excuse me.
392
00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,079
"Under God" should be taken out
of the Pledge of Allegiance.
393
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,581
- That's right. I agree.
- Yes.
394
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,434
And it should be taken
off of money, as well.
395
00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,126
The religious right
in this country
396
00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:26,212
is trying to force our children
to believe what they...
397
00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,260
And we can't let the religious
right corrupt our kids!
398
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:33,928
- That's right.
- That's right.
399
00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:41,186
Cardinals, bishops, and priests,
Father Maxi has returned!
400
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:44,105
And he has the Holy Document
of Vatican Law!
401
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,068
How did he make it past
the water lizards?
402
00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:51,780
Yes, I have returned with the
Holy Document of Vatican Law,
403
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,115
so can we please
change it now
404
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,659
to say it's not okay
to have sex with boys?
405
00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,120
Wait! Wait!
406
00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:01,247
The Pope wants to say something!
407
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:08,671
The Pope says we shall
ask the highest source!
408
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:20,016
Oh, my!
409
00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,434
The holy one!
410
00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:25,647
Behold the great Queen Spider!
411
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,857
Hail, Queen Spider.
412
00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,067
Queen Spider?
413
00:18:29,192 --> 00:18:30,610
Oh, great Queen Spider,
414
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,195
we seek your guidance.
415
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,781
What do you ask of me?
416
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:38,326
Great Queen Spider, we wish to
change one of the Vatican rules.
417
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,829
The Vatican rules
cannot be changed.
418
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,580
So sayeth the spider.
419
00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:45,166
Go on, Priest Maxi,
see if you can convince her.
420
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,877
All right, that does it!
I have had enough!
421
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:51,422
You people have completely lost
touch with the outside world!
422
00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:54,134
You sit in this big room
with your Gelgameks
423
00:18:54,259 --> 00:18:55,718
and your Queen Spider,
and none of it
424
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:57,887
applies to what being a Catholic
is all about!
425
00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,473
But the Holy Document of
Vatican Law states that...
426
00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:03,268
To hell with the Holy Document
of Vatican Law!
427
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:12,986
You guys, you guys!
428
00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:14,711
I took Kyle's $20 down
to the bank again,
429
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,739
and I got it changed
into quarters!
430
00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:18,575
- So?
- So now I can dump them
431
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,244
into this little pool
and swim in them all day long!
432
00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:22,579
Yay!
433
00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:25,123
Kyle's money.
434
00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:27,125
Cartman, there's something
I need to tell you.
435
00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:28,710
Ooh, what's that, Kyle?
436
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,837
You were totally, 100% right.
437
00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,672
What?
438
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,465
You won the bet.
You were totally accurate
439
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:35,901
about being able
to crap out your mouth,
440
00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,093
and I've just been frustrated
441
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,970
because I didn't
think of it first.
442
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,990
I want you to enjoy that money
because you really impressed me
443
00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:44,142
with your insight, and I'm proud
to have you as a friend.
444
00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,147
You son of a bitch, Kyle!
445
00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:50,648
I hate you!
446
00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,696
Great news, Stan.
The Vatican is burning down!
447
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,239
Score one for us atheists!
448
00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,366
Come on, Tweek, we're
gonna go watch on TV!
449
00:20:00,491 --> 00:20:02,744
Burn it down!
450
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:06,748
Gone.
It's all gone.
451
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:08,416
Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi.
452
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,169
- You've killed our religion.
- No, I didn't!
453
00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:13,671
All that's dead are
your stupid laws and rules.
454
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,883
You've forgotten what being
a Catholic is all about...
455
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:18,968
This book.
456
00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:21,554
You see, these are
just stories...
457
00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,139
Stories that are meant
to help
458
00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,183
guide people
in the right direction.
459
00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:27,644
Love your neighbor.
Be a good person.
460
00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:29,312
That's it.
461
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,147
And when you start
turning the stories
462
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,566
into literal translations
of hierarchies and power,
463
00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:36,778
well... well,
you end up with this.
464
00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:40,657
People are losing faith
because they don't see
465
00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,885
how what you've turned the
religion into applies to them.
466
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,703
They've lost touch with any
idea of any kind of religion,
467
00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:48,957
and when they have no mythology
to try and live their lives by,
468
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:52,293
they just start spewing a bunch
of crap out of their mouths!
469
00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,088
What was that last bit?
470
00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,340
Look, I-I'm proud
to be a Catholic.
471
00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,550
But I am a Catholic
in the real world...
472
00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,302
In today's world.
473
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:03,137
It's time for you all
to do that, too.
474
00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:06,683
It is time... for change.
475
00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:11,771
He's right, Sharon.
476
00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:13,982
We don't have to believe
every word of the Bible.
477
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,733
They're just stories
to help us live by.
478
00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:17,860
We shouldn't toss away
the lessons of the Bible
479
00:21:17,986 --> 00:21:20,196
just because some assholes
in Italy screwed it up.
480
00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:23,116
Oh, Randy, I don't want
to put food up my butt anymore.
481
00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:26,369
Gang, I think maybe
we owe God an apology.
482
00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,472
Does this mean we have to go
to church on Sundays again?
483
00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:31,624
No... it means we get to, son.
484
00:21:31,749 --> 00:21:34,419
It means... we get to.
36988
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