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1
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I walk hand-in-hand
with Jesus
2
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,390
Over at the park
by where he lives
3
00:00:39,425 --> 00:00:41,994
I tell him all my problems
4
00:00:42,029 --> 00:00:44,656
And sometimes he tells me his
5
00:00:44,691 --> 00:00:47,322
What a friend I have in Jesus
6
00:00:47,357 --> 00:00:50,149
I can say that honestly
7
00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,571
He's not like all
my other friends
8
00:00:52,606 --> 00:00:55,149
Who really don't care about me.
9
00:00:55,184 --> 00:00:57,879
Amen.
10
00:00:57,914 --> 00:00:59,183
Bo-ring.
11
00:00:59,218 --> 00:01:03,370
And now Mr. Mackey will read his
favorite psalm for us, Psalm 46.
12
00:01:03,371 --> 00:01:06,702
God is our refuge and strength, m'kay?
13
00:01:06,703 --> 00:01:10,071
...a very present
help in trouble, m'kay?
14
00:01:10,106 --> 00:01:12,131
Hey, you guys, you wanna know
what my favorite psalm is?
15
00:01:12,132 --> 00:01:14,917
It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's separation.
16
00:01:14,918 --> 00:01:17,850
This sort of penetration will increase
the population of the younger generation.
17
00:01:17,885 --> 00:01:20,172
God is in the midst of her, m'kay.
18
00:01:20,173 --> 00:01:22,206
She shall not be moved, m'kay.
19
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:25,233
Waiwaiwaiwaiwait. It's a man's obligation
to stick his boneration in a woman's�
20
00:01:25,268 --> 00:01:27,752
It's a man's obligation to stick his
boneration in a woman's separation
21
00:01:27,753 --> 00:01:29,455
to increase the population
of the younger generation.
22
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:31,799
(It's a man's obligation to
stick his boneration in a woman's operation)
23
00:01:31,834 --> 00:01:32,786
No no, no. Separation.
24
00:01:32,821 --> 00:01:34,567
It's a man's obligation to stick
his boneration in a woman's-
25
00:01:34,602 --> 00:01:36,307
BOYS! You are in CHURCH!
26
00:01:37,335 --> 00:01:40,493
The God of Jacob is our refuge, m'kay.
27
00:01:40,635 --> 00:01:42,991
Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone.
28
00:01:42,992 --> 00:01:46,274
Today, we're going to talk about hell.
29
00:01:47,346 --> 00:01:52,915
Hell is not a very nice place.
Burning, searing, flames.
30
00:01:52,916 --> 00:01:56,278
Screaming, torture. For eternity.
31
00:01:56,279 --> 00:01:58,959
Once you are in hell, you cannot escape.
32
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:02,205
You live forever in horrible
pain, in burning agony.
33
00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:05,915
All sinners are there in misery,
dying over and over and over.
34
00:02:05,916 --> 00:02:10,597
If you be cast down into this black
bog of stench, then woe is thou,
35
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:14,415
for Satan has made it the most
miserable place in the universe!
36
00:02:14,416 --> 00:02:19,659
And he will be your ruler!
Your ruler of pain and agony!
37
00:02:20,587 --> 00:02:23,117
Are we going to the Hukilau?
38
00:02:23,152 --> 00:02:25,684
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
39
00:02:25,719 --> 00:02:28,419
Are we going to the Hukilau?
40
00:02:28,454 --> 00:02:30,771
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
41
00:02:30,806 --> 00:02:33,126
Everybody loves a hukilau
-
42
00:02:33,161 --> 00:02:34,024
I do!
43
00:02:34,059 --> 00:02:36,003
Where the laulau is
the kaukau at the luau
44
00:02:36,038 --> 00:02:38,949
We throw our nets
out into the sea
45
00:02:38,984 --> 00:02:41,590
And all the ama-ama
come swimmin' to me
46
00:02:41,625 --> 00:02:43,867
Are we going to the Hukilau?
47
00:02:43,902 --> 00:02:46,798
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
48
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:49,331
Are we going to the Hukilau?
49
00:02:49,366 --> 00:02:52,112
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
50
00:02:52,147 --> 00:02:54,429
Everybody loves a Hukilau,
51
00:02:54,464 --> 00:02:57,093
Where the laulau is
the kaukau at the luau
52
00:02:57,128 --> 00:02:59,995
We throw our nets
out into the sea.
53
00:03:00,030 --> 00:03:02,615
And all the ama-ama
come a-swimming to me
54
00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,669
Are we going to the hukilau?
55
00:03:04,704 --> 00:03:07,590
The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
56
00:03:07,625 --> 00:03:12,347
Huki��� Luki��� Lau?���
57
00:03:15,690 --> 00:03:16,936
Great luau, Satan.
58
00:03:16,971 --> 00:03:20,519
Thanks. See ya, Gary. Thanks
for comin'. Oh, bye, Marsha.
59
00:03:20,554 --> 00:03:23,352
Satan, a few of us are gonna go
pound some brews. You wanna join us?
60
00:03:23,387 --> 00:03:28,912
Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau, but I can't. Chris and
I just moved to the west side and we have to unpack.
61
00:03:28,947 --> 00:03:30,979
Oh, well, maybe next time. Great luau!
62
00:03:31,014 --> 00:03:31,760
Bye.
63
00:03:38,263 --> 00:03:39,449
Chris?
64
00:03:39,484 --> 00:03:40,040
Yeah?
65
00:03:40,075 --> 00:03:43,730
Did you, uh, see my "Boy
With An Umbrella" Hummel?
66
00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:46,394
Uuh, no, but there's still some
boxes coming from the movers.
67
00:03:46,429 --> 00:03:48,310
Oh, okay, thanks.
68
00:03:48,635 --> 00:03:50,444
Oh, that must be them now.
69
00:03:50,904 --> 00:03:52,584
Just put the boxes by the-
70
00:03:52,619 --> 00:03:53,850
Hello, Satan!
71
00:03:55,741 --> 00:03:57,054
Saddam�
72
00:03:57,089 --> 00:03:58,865
Did you miss me, buttercup?
73
00:03:59,378 --> 00:04:02,759
No, it can't be! You're
dead! I killed you!
74
00:04:02,794 --> 00:04:05,970
Yeah, you killed me. So?
Where was I gonna go? Detroit?
75
00:04:06,005 --> 00:04:09,630
Oh no. Oh, God no.
76
00:04:09,665 --> 00:04:12,509
A place of everlasting agony and pain!
77
00:04:12,510 --> 00:04:15,575
Hell awaits all sinners and
all who do not accept Christ!
78
00:04:15,576 --> 00:04:19,300
Children in this town have not been
attending Sunday school after Mass!
79
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,573
And adults have not been
coming to Confession!
80
00:04:21,574 --> 00:04:24,016
If this does not change, I promise you,
81
00:04:24,017 --> 00:04:27,212
you will be going to the
black pit of Satan's world!
82
00:04:27,630 --> 00:04:29,582
That is all. Peace be with you.
83
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,737
Well, that was quite
an uplifting sermon.
84
00:04:33,772 --> 00:04:34,462
Yeah.
85
00:04:34,497 --> 00:04:36,034
Mom, wuh we're staying
for Sunday school.
86
00:04:36,069 --> 00:04:36,633
What?
87
00:04:36,668 --> 00:04:38,007
We have to go to Sunday
school so we don't burn!
88
00:04:38,042 --> 00:04:39,154
Yeah. I'll see ya later, mom.
89
00:04:40,098 --> 00:04:42,013
Oh, now look at that.
They're scared to death.
90
00:04:42,048 --> 00:04:44,866
Hell is a very real
place, Mr. And Mrs. Marsh.
91
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:49,166
I'm trying to save their souls and the souls of
everyone in this town from the wretched lake of fire!
92
00:04:51,139 --> 00:04:54,101
Come on, guy. Just let
me in so we can talk.
93
00:04:54,136 --> 00:04:58,741
I don't want to talk to you, Saddam! This
isn't what I need in my life right now.
94
00:04:58,776 --> 00:04:59,821
Is that the movers, Satan?
95
00:04:59,856 --> 00:05:02,427
Ah. Yeah. Yeah, it's just the movers
96
00:05:02,462 --> 00:05:04,623
Oh, well, tell them I'm leavin'
their check on the counter.
97
00:05:04,658 --> 00:05:05,817
Okay, Chris.
98
00:05:05,852 --> 00:05:08,990
Satan, look: I know our
relationship wasn't perfect. Okay?
99
00:05:08,991 --> 00:05:12,384
I know that. I was too busy tryin' to take
over the world to give you what you needed.
100
00:05:12,385 --> 00:05:14,355
But I've changed, Satan.
101
00:05:14,390 --> 00:05:16,043
Oh, why, I haven't
heard that one before.
102
00:05:16,078 --> 00:05:21,901
COME ON, can't we just go out for
a burrito? �Me gusta burrito mucho!
103
00:05:21,936 --> 00:05:24,495
I can't, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.
104
00:05:24,530 --> 00:05:27,576
Who? Screw 'im! He can't
pound your ass like I can!
105
00:05:27,611 --> 00:05:28,914
Good-bye, Saddam!
106
00:05:28,949 --> 00:05:32,515
Wait. Wait, I'm sorry, heh. But Satan,
you can't deny what's between us.
107
00:05:32,516 --> 00:05:34,992
You can try, but you
know we belong together.
108
00:05:35,027 --> 00:05:40,546
My life is good now, Saddam. Chris treats
me well. You and I are through. Good-bye.
109
00:05:46,109 --> 00:05:49,020
Hey, come on, guy! Give me a break!
110
00:05:51,635 --> 00:05:53,710
Hello, children. I'm Sister Anne.
111
00:05:53,711 --> 00:05:56,652
And I'll be teaching you so that you
can all receive your First Communion.
112
00:05:56,687 --> 00:05:57,558
Are we gonna go to hell?
113
00:05:58,011 --> 00:06:01,062
Well, hopefully not. That's why
you're gonna need to receive Communion.
114
00:06:01,097 --> 00:06:03,176
And as long as we get this
Communion thing, we're safe?
115
00:06:03,211 --> 00:06:05,583
What if we haven't really done
anything that horribly bad in our lives.
116
00:06:05,618 --> 00:06:06,735
Yeah, what if we haven't?
117
00:06:06,770 --> 00:06:10,082
It doesn't matter, because we
are all born with Original Sin.
118
00:06:10,083 --> 00:06:11,810
Now, let me explain how Communion works.
119
00:06:11,811 --> 00:06:15,844
The priest will give you this round cracker,
and he will say, "The Body of Christ,"
120
00:06:15,845 --> 00:06:16,842
...and then you eat it.
121
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,267
Jesus was made of crackers?
122
00:06:19,302 --> 00:06:20,082
No.
123
00:06:20,117 --> 00:06:21,329
But crackers are his body.
124
00:06:21,364 --> 00:06:22,001
Yes.
125
00:06:22,689 --> 00:06:23,402
(What?!)
126
00:06:23,437 --> 00:06:26,272
In the Book of Mark, Jesus
distributed bread and said,
127
00:06:26,273 --> 00:06:27,764
"eat this, for it is my body."
128
00:06:28,029 --> 00:06:30,377
So wwe won't go to hell
as long as we eat crackers.
129
00:06:30,412 --> 00:06:31,298
Nononono!
130
00:06:31,333 --> 00:06:32,738
Uhwell, uhwhat are we eatin' then?
131
00:06:32,773 --> 00:06:33,951
The Body of Christ!
132
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:37,164
Nonono, I get it. Jesus
wanted us to eat him,
133
00:06:37,165 --> 00:06:41,124
but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned
himself into crackers, and then told people to eat him.
134
00:06:41,159 --> 00:06:42,253
- No!
- No?
135
00:06:42,425 --> 00:06:44,167
Huh-I can't whistle if
I eat too many crackers.
136
00:06:44,202 --> 00:06:48,313
Look: all you have to know is that when the
priest gives you the cracker, you eat it! Okay?!
137
00:06:48,348 --> 00:06:49,600
O-kay.
138
00:06:49,635 --> 00:06:53,741
And then, you will drink a very small amount
of wine, for that, is the Blood of Christ.
139
00:06:53,776 --> 00:06:55,797
Aw, come on now, this
is just getting silly!
140
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:56,946
Eric, do you wanna go to hell?!
141
00:06:56,947 --> 00:06:57,866
Nno!
142
00:06:57,901 --> 00:06:59,136
Then stop questioning me.
143
00:06:59,171 --> 00:07:01,451
But now we can have Communion
and not go to hell, right?
144
00:07:01,486 --> 00:07:05,903
No. Because before you can take your first
Communion, you have to have your first Confeesion.
145
00:07:05,938 --> 00:07:06,641
Confession?
146
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,589
You'll be getting in the
Confession box with a priest
147
00:07:08,590 --> 00:07:11,418
and confessing all your sins,
so that God can forgive you.
148
00:07:11,419 --> 00:07:14,063
You kids will all have to go to
your first Confession this Tuesday,
149
00:07:14,064 --> 00:07:17,107
so I want you all to go home tonight and
think long and hard about all your sins,
150
00:07:17,108 --> 00:07:19,211
so that you can tell
the priest everything.
151
00:07:21,766 --> 00:07:23,792
(OH, SHIT!)
152
00:07:26,615 --> 00:07:28,529
Those were some great pork chops, Satan.
153
00:07:28,564 --> 00:07:29,240
Yeah.
154
00:07:29,275 --> 00:07:32,312
Hey, you. You've been actin'
strange all night. What's up?
155
00:07:32,347 --> 00:07:33,292
Nothing. Why?
156
00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:36,562
Well, it's� just that you've washed
that same dish seven times now, silly.
157
00:07:36,597 --> 00:07:38,761
Oh, huh. Sorry, huh-huh.
158
00:07:38,796 --> 00:07:41,871
Come on, Satan. You know you
can tell me anything. What's up?
159
00:07:41,906 --> 00:07:45,764
Well, Chris, Saddam showed up today.
160
00:07:46,819 --> 00:07:51,466
Oh. Woww! I wasn't ready for that.
161
00:07:51,501 --> 00:07:56,051
He showed up spouting all kinds of things
about how he's changed and he still loves me�
162
00:07:56,086 --> 00:07:57,596
I thought you� killed him.
163
00:07:57,631 --> 00:07:59,593
Yeah, well, where was
he gonna go? Detroit?
164
00:08:00,116 --> 00:08:01,263
�Do you still love him?
165
00:08:01,298 --> 00:08:02,614
No, Chris.
166
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:03,631
It's okay of you do.
167
00:08:03,666 --> 00:08:04,793
Well, I mean-
168
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:08,066
Of course, there's a part of
me that will always love him, I�
169
00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:11,914
But I also know how abusive he
was�I'm much happier with you.
170
00:08:12,047 --> 00:08:16,137
Well, you know what I think we should do? I think we
should all get together and just talk, like adults.
171
00:08:16,172 --> 00:08:16,753
What?
172
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:19,408
We're all grown men here, Satan.
I wanna just go meet this guy.
173
00:08:19,443 --> 00:08:22,566
No, Chris, you don't understand.
Saddam is fucking crazy.
174
00:08:22,601 --> 00:08:24,893
Oh, I know he's got the
whole bad-boy thing going.
175
00:08:24,894 --> 00:08:26,724
But I think that's what
you were attracted to.
176
00:08:26,725 --> 00:08:28,788
But I can be a pretty
rough tumbler myself.
177
00:08:28,789 --> 00:08:31,139
Oops! Aw, butternuts!
178
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,026
Okay, let's see.
179
00:08:37,027 --> 00:08:40,939
Oh yeah, there was the time we threw a fish into the
busdriver's hair and she didn't find it for seven days.
180
00:08:41,018 --> 00:08:42,074
Oh yeah, okay.
181
00:08:42,109 --> 00:08:45,631
And thennn there was the time we held that little
first-grader down and farted on him for 28 munites.
182
00:08:45,666 --> 00:08:46,811
Right, I already got that one.
183
00:08:46,846 --> 00:08:47,990
Hey, dudes. What are you doin'?
184
00:08:48,025 --> 00:08:49,090
We're trying to remember all our sins.
185
00:08:49,091 --> 00:08:51,683
Sister Anne told us we have to confess all
our sins or else we're gonna go to hell.
186
00:08:51,841 --> 00:08:52,582
Uhwuwhat?
187
00:08:52,617 --> 00:08:53,685
Have you confessed all your sins yet?
188
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:54,514
No-o-o-o-o!
189
00:08:54,549 --> 00:08:56,121
Dude, he's Jewish. He doesn't
have to confess his sins.
190
00:08:56,156 --> 00:08:57,463
Oh good. I don't?
191
00:08:57,498 --> 00:08:58,779
No, you're already going to hell.
192
00:08:58,814 --> 00:08:59,407
I am not!
193
00:08:59,442 --> 00:08:59,919
You are, too!
194
00:08:59,954 --> 00:09:03,829
Dude, this ledy told us if you don't confess all your sins and
you don't eat crackers and drink wine, then you go to hell. Period.
195
00:09:03,864 --> 00:09:04,884
I'm gonna go ask my mom!
196
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:07,811
Now, let's see. What about the time
we set Mr. Garrison's cat onfire?
197
00:09:07,846 --> 00:09:09,245
Alright. That was mostly Kenny's fault.
198
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:10,035
(What?)
199
00:09:10,070 --> 00:09:12,793
Eyou guys! Eyou guys! Uh we
just thought of somethin'!
200
00:09:12,828 --> 00:09:13,580
What, Butters?
201
00:09:13,615 --> 00:09:16,185
Uhwell, uh what about the
handicapped kid, uh-Timmy?
202
00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:17,946
What'd we do to Timmy?
203
00:09:17,981 --> 00:09:20,671
No! I mean, poor
Timmy's gonna go to hell!
204
00:09:20,672 --> 00:09:23,050
He can't confess his sins,
'cause all he can say is his name!
205
00:09:23,853 --> 00:09:26,034
Oh yeah, you're right. I
guess Timmy's pretty screwed.
206
00:09:26,069 --> 00:09:28,478
Oh man, we can't let Timmy go
to hell. We have to do something.
207
00:09:28,513 --> 00:09:29,542
(What are we gonna do?)
208
00:09:29,577 --> 00:09:32,281
I don't know. I don't
know what we're gonna do.
209
00:09:34,630 --> 00:09:36,469
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
210
00:09:36,470 --> 00:09:39,159
I can't deny my
feelings for Saddam, but�
211
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,727
my life is so much
better now with Chris.
212
00:09:44,430 --> 00:09:51,459
Yeah. It's like Chris is so perfect in every way, but there's
just something about Saddam that I'm more more attracted to.
213
00:09:54,034 --> 00:09:55,303
In what way?
214
00:09:57,258 --> 00:10:01,049
Yeah, you're right. Saddam
would just treat me bad again.
215
00:10:01,050 --> 00:10:03,314
I'm just gonna have to not see Saddam.
216
00:10:03,315 --> 00:10:06,079
Put him out of my mind
and focus on Chris.
217
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,705
If I don't see Saddam, then I won't
have such strong feelings for him.
218
00:10:09,706 --> 00:10:10,740
Thanks guys.
219
00:10:11,408 --> 00:10:12,466
There you are.
220
00:10:12,501 --> 00:10:13,275
Oh hi, Chris!
221
00:10:13,310 --> 00:10:14,941
I've been lookin' all over for you.
222
00:10:14,942 --> 00:10:15,942
I have to tell you somethin'
that might make you� a little mad.
223
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:18,885
What?
224
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:22,626
Well, I called Saddam Hussein and
invited him over for dinner tonight.
225
00:10:22,661 --> 00:10:23,883
You WHAT?!
226
00:10:23,918 --> 00:10:25,784
I just think we all need
to get this out in the open.
227
00:10:25,819 --> 00:10:29,216
Oh, Chris! Rraarr! Rraahh!
228
00:10:30,047 --> 00:10:32,097
Come on, Satan. We're all adults here.
229
00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:34,782
He was an important person in
your life, for better or for worse.
230
00:10:34,783 --> 00:10:38,230
So, I wanna know him. If he sees
that I'ma real person too, then�
231
00:10:38,231 --> 00:10:40,615
well, maybe he'll see
how happy we are together.
232
00:10:40,623 --> 00:10:43,139
No, Chris! He'll try to
kill you is what he'll do!
233
00:10:43,174 --> 00:10:45,629
Satan, we're not in
junior high school anymore.
234
00:10:45,664 --> 00:10:47,283
Oh, dear God.
235
00:10:49,223 --> 00:10:51,485
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is
with thee. Blessed art though amongst wo-
236
00:10:51,486 --> 00:10:53,447
- How was it?
- Aw, dude, you screwed me up!
237
00:10:53,648 --> 00:10:57,474
The guy in there said I have to say 54 Hail Marys.
Now I can't remember if I was on number seven or eight.
238
00:10:57,475 --> 00:10:58,329
Who's in there?
239
00:10:58,364 --> 00:11:00,174
I don't know. You can't see him;
it's just some anonymous guy.
240
00:11:00,209 --> 00:11:01,757
Well, here goes everything.
241
00:11:03,317 --> 00:11:05,592
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
242
00:11:06,168 --> 00:11:09,508
Blessed art thou, child. Now,
what do you have to confess?
243
00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:13,072
Well, let's see. I'd like to start, if
I may, back when I was two and a half.
244
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:17,000
It was a cold April morning, and the dew on
the grass was frozen, like tiny beads of glass�
245
00:11:17,035 --> 00:11:18,410
�Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee. Ble-
246
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:19,535
- (Hey, dude.)
- God damnit!
247
00:11:19,536 --> 00:11:20,123
(What?)
248
00:11:20,205 --> 00:11:22,430
Oh, there's Sister Anne! Come on, we've
got to ask her about Timmy. Sister Anne?
249
00:11:22,465 --> 00:11:23,371
Oh, hello, children.
250
00:11:23,406 --> 00:11:24,464
We have a question.
251
00:11:24,499 --> 00:11:25,211
Okay, shoot.
252
00:11:25,212 --> 00:11:27,186
Where do handicapped
people go when they die?
253
00:11:27,718 --> 00:11:31,199
The handicapped are just people like
you and me, so the same rules apply.
254
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,156
They need to be baptized, take
Communion, and confess their sins.
255
00:11:34,191 --> 00:11:35,685
But our friend Timmy can't really talk.
256
00:11:35,686 --> 00:11:38,143
All he can do is say his own name,
so he can't really confess his sins.
257
00:11:38,144 --> 00:11:39,552
So is he goin' to go to hell?
258
00:11:39,587 --> 00:11:43,970
Uugh. This really isn't a question for me, it's
for the priest. I'll see if I can find him. Bye.
259
00:11:45,208 --> 00:11:47,503
And that was about
everything from first grade.
260
00:11:47,504 --> 00:11:51,376
Then last year, well, you can't
tell anybody about this stuff, right?
261
00:11:51,476 --> 00:11:54,320
Your confession does not leave this box.
262
00:11:54,355 --> 00:11:58,506
Okay, because, last year, I took a sandwich
that the priest of this church had been eating.
263
00:11:58,995 --> 00:12:03,986
Oh. Well, Uh arr-I'm sure he
would forgive you if he knew.
264
00:12:04,021 --> 00:12:05,010
No, but I'm not finished yet.
265
00:12:05,011 --> 00:12:06,603
I took the sandwich that
the priest was eating,
266
00:12:06,604 --> 00:12:08,899
took the piece of ham out of it,
put it between my butt cheeks,
267
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,706
and then put the sandwich
back and watched him eat it.
268
00:12:12,140 --> 00:12:13,389
I� see.
269
00:12:13,485 --> 00:12:16,237
Yeah, and then this other time, I
went pee-pee in the holy water thing,
270
00:12:16,238 --> 00:12:19,301
and the priest blessed himself on the
forehead with it every day for about a week.
271
00:12:19,302 --> 00:12:23,535
And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog and I went
- �
272
00:12:23,536 --> 00:12:26,803
number two on the sidewalk and then told
officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog.
273
00:12:26,804 --> 00:12:29,631
And so the priest got find like a
hundred dollars for not cleaning it up.
274
00:12:29,632 --> 00:12:32,309
And then this one time, I put super
glue all over the priest's bottle of-
275
00:12:34,285 --> 00:12:37,363
Jesus! Ooww-ah! Ow! Eh! Oh! Help
276
00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:42,164
Father! I need to talk to you.
Father! I have to ask you a question.
277
00:12:42,409 --> 00:12:43,324
Okayokay, fine!
278
00:12:46,549 --> 00:12:47,635
Dude, what happened?
279
00:12:47,771 --> 00:12:51,013
I felt it, you guys. I
felt the angry hands of God.
280
00:12:51,014 --> 00:12:56,444
He is an angry God, you guys. We all
have to start taking this very seriously.
281
00:13:00,408 --> 00:13:02,946
Oh, hello. You must be Saddam Hussein.
282
00:13:02,981 --> 00:13:06,987
And you must be Mr. Assface.
Just kidding. You're Chris, right?
283
00:13:06,988 --> 00:13:09,953
Thanks for inviting me to dinner,
guy. Here, I brought you a potato.
284
00:13:09,988 --> 00:13:11,675
Oh, thank you.
285
00:13:11,710 --> 00:13:12,963
Chris, no! It's a bomb!
286
00:13:14,124 --> 00:13:15,952
Satan, what the heck is wrong with you?
287
00:13:15,987 --> 00:13:19,332
Yeah! Hey, relax, guy. We're all
here to act like adults, right?
288
00:13:20,055 --> 00:13:22,341
Oh, gee. I guess I
must've overcooked it.
289
00:13:22,376 --> 00:13:24,521
Well, come on in.
Dinner's just about ready.
290
00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:30,168
Behayin' glah, and theh he find de eye.
291
00:13:30,203 --> 00:13:34,024
Very good, Ike. That's two
John Steinbeck books in one day.
292
00:13:34,059 --> 00:13:35,109
Cookie monstooh.
293
00:13:35,144 --> 00:13:36,998
Oh, he's groing up so fast!
294
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,974
Mom! Dad! Am I gong to hell?
295
00:13:39,009 --> 00:13:41,792
Why? What did you do, Kyle?!
296
00:13:41,827 --> 00:13:45,854
Nothing. But the guys said if I don't confess
my sins and eat crackers, I'm gonna go to hell.
297
00:13:45,889 --> 00:13:49,511
Oh noooo, that's just Catholics.
Us Jews don't believe in hell.
298
00:13:49,546 --> 00:13:51,656
We don't? But what if we're wrong?
299
00:13:51,691 --> 00:13:55,258
Well�, Kyle�, they could be wrong, too.
300
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:58,989
Yeah, but if they're wrong, no big
deal. If we're wrong, we burn in hell.
301
00:13:59,024 --> 00:13:59,911
Oh, no.
302
00:13:59,946 --> 00:14:02,546
Kyle, it's all about
being a good person now!
303
00:14:02,547 --> 00:14:06,438
You see, Christians use hell as a way to
scare people into believing what they believe.
304
00:14:06,439 --> 00:14:09,340
But to believe in something just
because you're afraid of the consequenced
305
00:14:09,341 --> 00:14:13,718
if you dont believe in somethingis no
reason to believe in something. Understand?
306
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:14,551
No-o-o.
307
00:14:14,586 --> 00:14:15,817
Well, you guys can do what you want!
308
00:14:15,818 --> 00:14:18,834
I'm going down to that church to
confess my sins and eat crackers!
309
00:14:18,835 --> 00:14:20,360
And I'm taking Ike with me!
310
00:14:20,371 --> 00:14:21,239
Kyle!
311
00:14:24,409 --> 00:14:27,981
So Saddam. Satan told me all about how
you guys almost took over the world once.
312
00:14:28,016 --> 00:14:31,725
Hn-yeah, those were the days, boy. What
the hell is this crap we're eating, anyway?
313
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:35,579
It's all vegetarian, Saddam. Chris
was a nutritionist before he died.
314
00:14:35,614 --> 00:14:39,746
Oh, isn't that fascinating. So, tell
me, Chris. How is it that you died?
315
00:14:39,781 --> 00:14:44,339
Oh, well I, I actually slipped down an escalator,
in a mall. Those things can be pretty sketchy.
316
00:14:44,374 --> 00:14:47,043
An escalator? What kind of
pussy way of dying is that?!
317
00:14:47,078 --> 00:14:50,616
L-look, Saddam, I know that
you and Satan had a relationship
318
00:14:50,617 --> 00:14:54,512
And I just want you to know that I'm
totally okay with you guys staying friends.
319
00:14:55,425 --> 00:14:58,953
I think it's important to stay friends
with people you've had relationships with.
320
00:14:58,954 --> 00:15:05,046
And I know that Satan and my relationship is
strong enough that it can handle anything. Right?
321
00:15:06,396 --> 00:15:07,755
Right.
322
00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:13,413
Father, the children asked me
about their handicapped friend.
323
00:15:13,414 --> 00:15:15,175
I wanna explain to them that he's fine.
324
00:15:15,210 --> 00:15:17,965
Well, has your friend ever
confessed or been baptized?
325
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:18,871
I don't think so.
326
00:15:18,906 --> 00:15:20,174
Then, hell awaits him.
327
00:15:20,209 --> 00:15:22,906
Father, these boys are really worried
because they think they have to-
328
00:15:22,941 --> 00:15:27,471
They SHOULD be worried! Boys, it is your
Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!
329
00:15:27,506 --> 00:15:28,468
Yes, but-
330
00:15:28,503 --> 00:15:30,361
Mister Father! We have
to ask you something.
331
00:15:30,396 --> 00:15:32,599
Oh. You're the little Jewish boy, right?
332
00:15:32,634 --> 00:15:34,485
Yeah. If we're Jewish,
are we gonna go to hell?
333
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:38,245
Well, young man, you can rest
assured that according to Matthew 25,
334
00:15:38,246 --> 00:15:40,875
when you die you will stand
before God and he will will say,
335
00:15:40,876 --> 00:15:44,875
"Depart from me, you curs�d, into the eternal
fire prepared for the devil and his angels."
336
00:15:44,876 --> 00:15:47,513
Yes! As a Jew, your home
will be the lake of fire.
337
00:15:47,645 --> 00:15:48,657
Oh no.
338
00:15:48,692 --> 00:15:49,279
Father-
339
00:15:49,314 --> 00:15:51,629
I hope to see all of you
in church this Sunday.
340
00:15:51,664 --> 00:15:52,270
We will be.
341
00:15:54,155 --> 00:15:57,043
Father, I don't know if I agree
fully with what you're saying.
342
00:15:57,044 --> 00:16:00,448
I think that as long as Jewsih people
are good, they will get into heaven.
343
00:16:00,483 --> 00:16:02,960
Sister, the Jews crucified our Savior.
344
00:16:02,961 --> 00:16:06,865
I mean, if you don't go to hell for crucifying the
Savior, then what the hell do you go to hell for?
345
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:09,882
Stan! You've got to help us
become good Christians. Please.
346
00:16:09,917 --> 00:16:13,746
Alrightalright. You heard the priest: the first thing
we have to do is get you guys all baptized. Come on.
347
00:16:17,883 --> 00:16:19,550
Okay, you'd better
baptize Kyle some more.
348
00:16:19,585 --> 00:16:21,899
Halleluyah! Wash away the sin-eh!
349
00:16:22,187 --> 00:16:23,744
Turn around so I can clean out your ass.
350
00:16:23,779 --> 00:16:24,467
Cartman!
351
00:16:24,502 --> 00:16:25,021
What?
352
00:16:25,056 --> 00:16:26,480
Dude, you just said "ass"! That's a sin!
353
00:16:26,515 --> 00:16:27,790
Oh, now you've said it, too!
354
00:16:27,825 --> 00:16:28,810
Oh, shit! Oh!
355
00:16:28,845 --> 00:16:29,442
(Fuck! Oops!)
356
00:16:29,477 --> 00:16:31,906
Aw, dude, we've gotta go back
to church and confess again.
357
00:16:31,941 --> 00:16:32,964
But what about them?
358
00:16:32,999 --> 00:16:37,748
Ugh. Oh, I know. We can
use Wacky Water Weasel!
359
00:16:40,534 --> 00:16:41,484
Okay, come on.
360
00:16:43,702 --> 00:16:46,957
Hoof. Well, I don't know about you
guys, but all that ginger made me tired.
361
00:16:46,992 --> 00:16:48,794
Yes. I guess I should be gettin' back.
362
00:16:48,829 --> 00:16:50,293
Good. I'll show you out.
363
00:16:50,328 --> 00:16:52,719
Nice to meet you, Saddam!
Have a safe walk back!
364
00:16:52,754 --> 00:16:57,878
Yeah. Thanks for the weak grass and twigs
and stuff. Satan, that guy is a pussy!
365
00:16:57,913 --> 00:16:59,389
He's stable, Saddam!
366
00:16:59,424 --> 00:17:01,292
Yes, that's what I said! He's a pussy!
367
00:17:01,327 --> 00:17:04,468
Having stability in your life is
a great thing! You should try it!
368
00:17:04,503 --> 00:17:08,346
For some people, maybe. But you
like excitement. I know you, Satan.
369
00:17:08,381 --> 00:17:10,431
I'm very happy with my life now.
370
00:17:10,466 --> 00:17:13,910
Here. I'm at the bargain
hotel on Monte Vista. Room 16.
371
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:16,325
No, Saddam! I won't be needing this!
372
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:19,109
D'oh, I know you won't. But
just keep it, just in case.
373
00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:20,970
It was good seeing you
again, Satan. Goodnight.
374
00:17:20,971 --> 00:17:22,908
Goodnight, pussy! I mean, Chris!
375
00:17:23,108 --> 00:17:23,813
Goodnight
376
00:17:26,808 --> 00:17:27,889
Hello. Your Excellency?
377
00:17:27,890 --> 00:17:31,084
This is Sister Anne, the Bleeding Eyes
of Jesus, calling from the United States?
378
00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:33,594
Yes, I understand you want
to speak-a wit the pope.
379
00:17:33,629 --> 00:17:37,331
Yes. The priest here has been telling
the children some pretty radical things,
380
00:17:37,332 --> 00:17:40,983
and I just wanted to see what the Church
thinks about Jews and the mentally handicapped.
381
00:17:41,235 --> 00:17:44,898
Yes, well the pope is here, but
please keep it brief. He is a-very old.
382
00:17:45,996 --> 00:17:46,666
Heh?
383
00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:50,479
Hello, His Holiness. I want to ask you
about people with mental disabilities.
384
00:17:50,514 --> 00:17:51,319
Heh?
385
00:17:51,685 --> 00:17:54,297
Do mentally-challenged
people go to hell?
386
00:17:54,332 --> 00:17:56,673
Ehhhhh, what's that you say? Heh?!
387
00:17:56,674 --> 00:17:59,176
Handicap. Mental handicap.
388
00:18:01,694 --> 00:18:06,338
�The priest here said that people with mental
handicaps might end up in hell. Is that true?
389
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,988
Come on! This stupid light won't change.
390
00:18:15,023 --> 00:18:17,938
Come on! Hurry up!
Hey, what are you guys doin'?
391
00:18:17,973 --> 00:18:20,156
We're goin' to church. We've sinned
and so we have to confess again.
392
00:18:20,191 --> 00:18:24,333
Uh us too. Uhwe saw a picture of a naked
lady. We could see her whole beaver.
393
00:18:24,368 --> 00:18:27,155
Yeah. If we died right now, we'd have
unclean souls and we'd burn in hell.
394
00:18:28,456 --> 00:18:29,556
Uh, come on, let's go.
395
00:18:34,683 --> 00:18:36,609
�Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
396
00:18:36,644 --> 00:18:38,426
He had sins that he didn't confess!
397
00:18:38,461 --> 00:18:39,824
And he never took Communion!
398
00:18:39,859 --> 00:18:41,056
He's doomed.
399
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:44,018
�We've gotta get to that
church before we die.
400
00:18:44,053 --> 00:18:44,690
Yeah.
401
00:18:51,140 --> 00:18:57,046
Yeah. That's hot. You
take it! You take it now!
402
00:18:57,081 --> 00:18:58,183
Chris, what are you doing?
403
00:18:58,218 --> 00:19:01,536
I'm just� I'm just trying to
be a little more naughty in bed.
404
00:19:01,537 --> 00:19:04,306
I uh� I know that's what you like
about sex with Saddam. I'm just�
405
00:19:04,307 --> 00:19:06,291
showin' you that I can be that way, too.
406
00:19:06,954 --> 00:19:14,983
Uh huh. Yeah. You like that, don't you,
bitch? I'm a bad boy. Yeah. Take that.
407
00:19:15,057 --> 00:19:17,450
Chris, just� don't� don't do that.
408
00:19:17,485 --> 00:19:18,620
But it turns you on.
409
00:19:18,655 --> 00:19:21,236
No, it's a--When Saddam
did it, yeah, but uh�
410
00:19:21,271 --> 00:19:21,932
But what?
411
00:19:21,967 --> 00:19:27,181
Nothing. I just- I'm just- really tired
is all. Can we- just, please go to sleep?
412
00:19:27,503 --> 00:19:29,704
Chris, seriously. I'm just tired, okay?
413
00:19:29,713 --> 00:19:32,158
Okay. I love you, Satan.
414
00:19:32,193 --> 00:19:33,821
I love you too, Saddam.
415
00:19:35,025 --> 00:19:37,251
Waw. Uhuh. I'm sorry, I mean, Chris.
416
00:19:37,286 --> 00:19:42,193
It's okay. It's okay. I,
uh, I, I understand. �I do.
417
00:19:42,228 --> 00:19:46,237
I just need to go get some air.
Okay? I'll be back� really quick.
418
00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,122
Yeah. Sure. Okay.
419
00:19:48,609 --> 00:19:49,725
Come on, hurry up!
420
00:19:50,741 --> 00:19:51,834
Oh no! It's locked!
421
00:19:51,869 --> 00:19:54,170
What? No! It shouldn't be
locked! We have to confess!
422
00:19:54,171 --> 00:19:56,429
We have to confess
our sins before we die!
423
00:19:56,464 --> 00:19:58,260
Hey, there's a window in
the back that's usually open.
424
00:20:01,183 --> 00:20:02,484
Confession box is over there!
425
00:20:02,519 --> 00:20:03,608
I'm first, I'm first!
426
00:20:05,936 --> 00:20:06,586
What the?
427
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:11,939
Whoa! Son of a bitch!
428
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:15,045
Uhuh. Kids, uh.
429
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,251
You're a sinner!
430
00:20:16,286 --> 00:20:18,221
You're doing unnatural
things in the house of God!
431
00:20:20,838 --> 00:20:24,671
Oh, forgive me, heavenly
Father! I've sinned against you!
432
00:20:24,706 --> 00:20:26,393
Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!
433
00:20:26,428 --> 00:20:30,002
M-Mrs. Donovan is a
temptress from hell!
434
00:20:30,501 --> 00:20:32,492
Dude, if this guy's goin'
to hell, who's gonna save us?
435
00:20:32,527 --> 00:20:35,089
Well, it looks like we're gonna
have to save Timmy, Kyle, and
436
00:20:35,090 --> 00:20:37,998
everyone else in this town from
the angry hand of God ourselves!
437
00:20:39,383 --> 00:20:43,227
Oh, the pain! Oh, the pain!
438
00:20:48,229 --> 00:20:50,240
No, I can't.
439
00:20:52,654 --> 00:20:56,432
What am I doing? I know this
is the wrong thing to do.
440
00:20:56,433 --> 00:21:00,179
I could lose Chris. I can't
do this. I can't do this.
441
00:21:01,606 --> 00:21:04,722
We have-uh repeatedly
broken God's commandments-uh!
442
00:21:04,723 --> 00:21:07,145
We have lived our
lives for ourselves-uh!
443
00:21:07,146 --> 00:21:09,171
Totally ignoring the Lord-uh!
444
00:21:09,172 --> 00:21:11,014
If thy hand offend thee, cut it off!
445
00:21:11,015 --> 00:21:12,367
It is much better for thee
to enter into life maimed-
446
00:21:12,368 --> 00:21:14,311
Oh, what the hell are they doing now?!
447
00:21:14,975 --> 00:21:16,384
Oh no.
448
00:21:16,523 --> 00:21:17,807
- Into the fire that
will never be quenched!
449
00:21:17,842 --> 00:21:19,390
Pamphlet. Pamphlet.
450
00:21:19,425 --> 00:21:24,580
There is only one answer! As kids we must
abandon this town of sin and start anew!
451
00:21:24,939 --> 00:21:26,004
I don't wanna to go to hell.
452
00:21:26,690 --> 00:21:30,822
It will be a long road, but at
the end of that road is Salvation!
453
00:21:30,823 --> 00:21:35,008
And I am going to lead you there!
38390
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