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1
00:00:05,892 --> 00:00:08,195
Previously on South Park�
2
00:00:08,749 --> 00:00:10,204
Today, we're going to talk about hell.
3
00:00:12,087 --> 00:00:13,258
Hello, Satan!
4
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:15,319
Saddam�
5
00:00:15,652 --> 00:00:16,831
Us Jews don't believe in hell.
6
00:00:17,261 --> 00:00:18,205
�But what if we're wrong?
7
00:00:18,488 --> 00:00:19,067
Let's go.
8
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,353
�They've killed Kenny!
9
00:00:22,628 --> 00:00:23,908
And he had sins that he didn't confess!
10
00:00:24,817 --> 00:00:27,795
No, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.
11
00:00:27,830 --> 00:00:31,394
Boys, it is your Christian duty
to save the souls of your friends!
12
00:00:31,429 --> 00:00:32,554
I love you, Satan.
13
00:00:32,589 --> 00:00:34,214
I love you too, Saddam.
14
00:00:34,918 --> 00:00:37,902
Fonz, there's no way you can jump
that shark with your water skis.
15
00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:39,937
Aaaay! I've gotta try, Richie.
16
00:00:43,193 --> 00:00:45,378
Dude, if this guy's goin'
to hell, who's gonna save us?
17
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:48,566
Well, it looks like we're gonna have
to save everyone in this town ourselves!
18
00:00:48,601 --> 00:00:50,283
Go Fonz!
19
00:00:51,283 --> 00:00:54,329
And now the exciting
comclusion of� South Park.
20
00:00:56,025 --> 00:00:58,434
No! No! No! No!
21
00:00:58,435 --> 00:01:00,070
I told him he couldn't do it.
22
00:01:06,341 --> 00:01:09,426
I am saying this because
we must be saved-uh.
23
00:01:09,427 --> 00:01:14,729
The LORD is powerful and he will smote the
sinners and send them to everlasting hell-uh.
24
00:01:14,730 --> 00:01:19,291
If you do not live your life for Him-uh,
then to the lake of fire you shall go-uh!
25
00:01:19,326 --> 00:01:23,673
You see that, parents. Your children have
refused to come into class since this morning.
26
00:01:23,674 --> 00:01:26,119
I'm afraid your son is
the leader, Ms. Cartman.
27
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:30,198
Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and
now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
28
00:01:30,314 --> 00:01:34,676
Boopie-kins. It's time to stop
preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie.
29
00:01:35,352 --> 00:01:38,444
Don't you guys, um, persecrute
our religous beliefs.
30
00:01:38,479 --> 00:01:39,221
Yeah!
31
00:01:39,256 --> 00:01:42,856
We are not trying to persecute you kids,
but you're supposed to be in school.
32
00:01:42,891 --> 00:01:44,125
What purpose does school have?
33
00:01:44,126 --> 00:01:45,126
The Bible says the only goal in this
life is to praise God and get into heaven.
34
00:01:47,303 --> 00:01:49,724
Yeah, and this life is short.
The afterlife is forever.
35
00:01:49,759 --> 00:01:52,959
Don't listen to them, kids.
You have to go to school.
36
00:01:52,994 --> 00:01:56,695
Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was
a playful school-going eight-year-old.
37
00:01:56,696 --> 00:02:00,111
And then yesterday, he was
smacked down by the Lord-uh!
38
00:02:00,112 --> 00:02:03,186
God bitch-slapped him right
to the fiery depths of hell.
39
00:02:03,187 --> 00:02:06,517
So when will you go?! Tomorrow?!
Ten years?! Does it mattah?! No!
40
00:02:06,518 --> 00:02:10,820
Because unless you give this life to
the Lord, that life belongs to Satan-uh!
41
00:02:12,263 --> 00:02:16,288
But we cannot worship God in that
church where that priest of sin resides,
42
00:02:16,289 --> 00:02:20,513
so we will build a new church-uh. With
crystal walls, a ceiling 80 feet high,
43
00:02:20,514 --> 00:02:23,256
and a slide that connects this
part hmya to this part hmya.
44
00:02:23,257 --> 00:02:24,202
Who will help us?
45
00:02:24,362 --> 00:02:25,147
I will.
46
00:02:25,182 --> 00:02:26,602
Praise God-uh!
47
00:02:32,024 --> 00:02:36,611
If I go spend the night with Saddam,
then it's over between me and Chris.
48
00:02:36,612 --> 00:02:40,650
Chris has been so nice to me and I
know Saddam will just hurt me again.
49
00:02:42,013 --> 00:02:44,185
M-maybe I'll just go talk to Saddam.
50
00:02:44,186 --> 00:02:47,356
I need closure, yeah.
That's it, I need closure.
51
00:02:47,357 --> 00:02:49,052
What am I doing?
52
00:02:49,463 --> 00:02:51,146
What took yo so long, baby?
53
00:02:51,877 --> 00:02:53,889
Saddam, I'm just here to talk.
54
00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:59,707
Great! Let's talk! Hm,
this bed is comfy-bumpy.
55
00:02:59,742 --> 00:03:02,125
Saddam, I only came here
because I need closure.
56
00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:04,276
Sounds fun. You know
me�I'll try anything.
57
00:03:04,311 --> 00:03:05,940
No! Saddam, listen to me.
58
00:03:05,975 --> 00:03:06,740
Would you like a drink?
59
00:03:06,775 --> 00:03:08,795
Um maybe just... a little one.
60
00:03:08,796 --> 00:03:13,118
I have to go back soon. I need you to
understand that we can't be together anymore.
61
00:03:13,119 --> 00:03:16,638
I need you to not come by the
condo and not try to see me.
62
00:03:16,639 --> 00:03:21,127
Chris thinks we can all be friends, but
I don't. And I have to focus on Chris now.
63
00:03:21,128 --> 00:03:22,364
What is this?
64
00:03:22,399 --> 00:03:24,423
These hotels have all
kinds of crazy channels.
65
00:03:24,458 --> 00:03:29,067
Saddam, will you listen to me?! Chris is a
great person. He's the one I wanna be with now.
66
00:03:29,102 --> 00:03:31,973
Really? So then� What
are you doing here?
67
00:03:33,663 --> 00:03:36,674
Well I don't know about you, but
this video is gettin' me pretty hot!
68
00:03:36,709 --> 00:03:37,519
Saddam�
69
00:03:37,554 --> 00:03:38,594
Here, have another drink.
70
00:03:43,333 --> 00:03:51,152
Ooh, whoa. God, my head. Drank
too much. Chris! Oh no!
71
00:03:53,663 --> 00:03:58,099
Man, look at that! We went through 14 bottles
of vegetable oil! Ewuh, I'm all greasy.
72
00:03:58,134 --> 00:03:59,887
Oh God, what time is it?!
73
00:03:59,922 --> 00:04:02,480
Last night was awesome!
Are we together again now?
74
00:04:02,515 --> 00:04:07,178
I don't know. I, I guess so, but
now I have to go home and tell Chris.
75
00:04:07,213 --> 00:04:08,039
Screw him!
76
00:04:08,074 --> 00:04:12,709
No, Saddam! I at least owe him an explanation!
I jusst don't know what I'm gonna say.
77
00:04:12,744 --> 00:04:15,272
I know how to solve this little problem.
78
00:04:17,546 --> 00:04:22,088
We are now entering Ensenada, the second
largest city on the Mexican Baja Peninsula.
79
00:04:22,089 --> 00:04:25,400
We have now traveled over 2000
miles since leaving New York City.
80
00:04:25,401 --> 00:04:30,282
We'll just be stopping here for a few moments for gas, and
then our tour will continue on to its final destination.
81
00:04:30,457 --> 00:04:32,559
Oiga. Hay algo pegado bajo el autobus.
82
00:04:32,594 --> 00:04:34,942
Quey? What's stuck to
the bottom of the bus?
83
00:04:38,588 --> 00:04:43,119
Oh, goodness! We must have run over a
little Mexican further up north. Is it okay?
84
00:04:43,332 --> 00:04:44,375
Pienso que s�.
85
00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:47,188
Well, here's fifty for the gas. Adios.
86
00:04:49,062 --> 00:04:49,846
(Where am I?)
87
00:04:49,881 --> 00:04:50,601
�Qu�?
88
00:04:50,636 --> 00:04:51,842
(WHERE AM I?)
89
00:04:51,877 --> 00:04:52,600
�Qu�?
90
00:05:00,663 --> 00:05:03,692
This is bea-utiful. Thine
church is almost completed.
91
00:05:03,727 --> 00:05:05,577
There's no way God will
want to send us to hell now.
92
00:05:05,612 --> 00:05:08,561
Yeah, this church kicks a, eh, it kicks!
93
00:05:08,596 --> 00:05:09,458
Hello, boys.
94
00:05:09,493 --> 00:05:13,160
Don't try to take me away again, Mom and
Dad! I told you! I renounced the Jewish faith!
95
00:05:13,195 --> 00:05:17,232
It's not that, Kyle. It's just that Eric's
mother needs to see you all right away!
96
00:05:18,326 --> 00:05:20,835
Just really quick�she
says it's very important.
97
00:05:20,870 --> 00:05:24,561
Very well. Yea. Guys, let us walk to
mine home and see what mine mom wants.
98
00:05:25,975 --> 00:05:27,446
I sure hope this woiks.
99
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:35,326
Hello, kiddies. I made you all
powdered dougnut pancake surprise.
100
00:05:35,361 --> 00:05:36,299
Wow, cool.
101
00:05:36,334 --> 00:05:39,256
No! This is a trick! Do
not vex me, oh temptress!
102
00:05:39,291 --> 00:05:39,940
What?
103
00:05:39,975 --> 00:05:41,831
This is a distraction from
our work on the church!
104
00:05:41,832 --> 00:05:44,745
Do not think that you can tempt
us with toys and new games
105
00:05:44,746 --> 00:05:47,322
and tidings of powdered
dougnut pancake surprise!
106
00:05:47,323 --> 00:05:49,879
For it is the AFTERLIFE we
have concerned ourselves with!
107
00:05:50,771 --> 00:05:53,988
Not the pleasures of this earth,
but salvarion in the world aftah!
108
00:05:54,023 --> 00:05:54,572
Yeah!
109
00:05:54,607 --> 00:05:57,262
Oh. Well, alrighty then.
110
00:05:57,297 --> 00:05:59,256
I� don't think it worked.
111
00:06:00,205 --> 00:06:05,668
Let us get back to our work at the church
Yea. I shall answer the phone, hyah. Hello?
112
00:06:05,703 --> 00:06:07,854
(Cartman?! Cartman, you've gotta
help me, and I'm not foolin' around!)
113
00:06:09,264 --> 00:06:10,277
Oh my God!
114
00:06:10,312 --> 00:06:10,799
What?
115
00:06:10,834 --> 00:06:12,061
It's Kenny. He's calling
from beyond the grave!
116
00:06:12,096 --> 00:06:13,386
Kenny?! What's he say?!
117
00:06:13,421 --> 00:06:14,299
Ask him what hell is like.
118
00:06:14,334 --> 00:06:17,401
Kenny! You have to tell us about hell!
Give us every last horrible detail!
119
00:06:21,912 --> 00:06:26,454
Oh, God, Chris is gonna be so
mad at me. Well, here it goes.
120
00:06:27,459 --> 00:06:28,640
Hey you.
121
00:06:28,675 --> 00:06:29,828
Hi, Chris.
122
00:06:29,863 --> 00:06:32,522
You� were out all night.
123
00:06:32,557 --> 00:06:36,514
Yeah, I just� spent the night
walking around the marina.
124
00:06:36,549 --> 00:06:40,989
Satan. You know you're not a very good
liar. You went and saw Saddam, didn't you?
125
00:06:41,024 --> 00:06:41,915
Yes.
126
00:06:42,738 --> 00:06:44,818
Satan, I understand.
127
00:06:44,853 --> 00:06:45,519
What?
128
00:06:45,554 --> 00:06:47,741
I still feel secure and safe with you.
129
00:06:47,776 --> 00:06:49,974
Oh, n-NO!
130
00:06:50,009 --> 00:06:51,540
What? What's wrong? I said it's okay.
131
00:06:51,575 --> 00:06:52,384
I know.
132
00:06:52,419 --> 00:06:54,328
Well, what more do you want from me?
133
00:06:54,363 --> 00:06:56,740
Well-, could you not be
such a pussy about it?
134
00:06:56,741 --> 00:07:00,949
I mean, can't you just say "If you ever
see Saddam again, I'll break your legs!" Or,
135
00:07:00,950 --> 00:07:03,335
or "I'm gonna go kick
Saddam's ass!" Or something?
136
00:07:03,370 --> 00:07:07,103
Satan, I'm a Nineties
man. I cry when I need to.
137
00:07:07,104 --> 00:07:10,203
I share my feelings and I keep
my mind open about everything.
138
00:07:10,238 --> 00:07:15,579
Just� give me some boundaries, be jealous,
go throw a football around, for Christ's sake.
139
00:07:15,614 --> 00:07:17,729
Now you're starting to hurt my feelings.
140
00:07:17,764 --> 00:07:23,611
Ah-, I'm sorry, Chris, it's� it's
not you, really, it's, it's me.
141
00:07:23,612 --> 00:07:24,612
You're the best thing that's ever happened to
me, and for some reason, I just can't accept that.
142
00:07:28,966 --> 00:07:30,058
Die, pussy!
143
00:07:31,177 --> 00:07:33,543
Chris! Saddam, what
the hell are you doing?!
144
00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:37,343
There. I got rid of the problem
for you. Now there's no conflict.
145
00:07:37,378 --> 00:07:39,408
No! Not like this!
146
00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:50,664
Friends, I have to tell you that last night I
received a phone call from beyond the grave-eh.
147
00:07:51,566 --> 00:07:55,444
It was our departed friend, Kennih!
Calling from the depths of hell!
148
00:07:55,445 --> 00:07:59,355
And he described what hell
is like in horrid detail-uh.
149
00:07:59,356 --> 00:08:02,161
He said that in hell,
the smell is awful.
150
00:08:02,162 --> 00:08:05,596
He said that in hell,
everyone speaks Spanish.
151
00:08:06,434 --> 00:08:11,898
He said there is water in hell, but if you drink
it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-uh!
152
00:08:12,635 --> 00:08:17,815
And perhaps worst of all, in hell, there are
dozens and dozens of little trinket stores!
153
00:08:17,816 --> 00:08:20,669
But they all have the same
little trinkets in them-eh!
154
00:08:21,573 --> 00:08:22,757
Where is our daughter.
155
00:08:22,792 --> 00:08:23,611
Dad?
156
00:08:23,646 --> 00:08:25,764
Marcy! You're coming home this instant!
157
00:08:25,799 --> 00:08:28,532
We are saving your daughter
from the clutches of hell, suh!
158
00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:30,813
You're not gonna make my
daughter part of your cult!
159
00:08:30,848 --> 00:08:32,840
Your daughter could die
tomorrow, and then what?!
160
00:08:32,875 --> 00:08:35,394
You're just a stupid little
fat kid who thinks that-- Aah!
161
00:08:35,798 --> 00:08:38,532
Stephen? Steven, no!
162
00:08:38,567 --> 00:08:42,333
The Lord has spoken again-uh! O,
forgive us, Lord, for our sins!
163
00:08:42,368 --> 00:08:43,764
Forgive us, Lord.
164
00:08:43,799 --> 00:08:49,273
Let us pray. Heavenly Father, do not send us to
hell. We're sorry, Whatever we did, we're sorry.
165
00:08:49,308 --> 00:08:51,834
Stephen? Stephen?
166
00:08:53,470 --> 00:08:54,980
Where, where am I?
167
00:08:55,352 --> 00:08:56,464
Where are we?
168
00:08:56,499 --> 00:08:58,054
No doubt about it�
169
00:09:00,034 --> 00:09:03,198
Hello, newcomers, and welcome.
Can everybody hear me? Hello?
170
00:09:03,199 --> 00:09:04,680
Can everybuh? Okay.
171
00:09:04,681 --> 00:09:10,614
Uh, I'm the hell director. Uh, it looks like
we have about 8,615 of you newbies today,
172
00:09:10,615 --> 00:09:14,047
and for those of you who are a
little confused, uh, you are dead,
173
00:09:14,048 --> 00:09:18,424
and this is hell, so, abandon
all hope and uh yada yada yada.
174
00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:21,652
Uh, we are now going to start the
orientation process, which will last about-
175
00:09:21,699 --> 00:09:23,554
Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here.
176
00:09:23,555 --> 00:09:27,095
I was a totally strict and devout
Protestant! I thought we went to heaven!
177
00:09:27,173 --> 00:09:29,025
Yes, well I'm afraid you were wrong.
178
00:09:29,060 --> 00:09:32,950
I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
179
00:09:32,985 --> 00:09:34,885
Well, who was right?
Who gets into heaven?
180
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:39,439
I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes,
the Mormons were the correct answer.
181
00:09:40,632 --> 00:09:45,838
So now I'd like to quickly introduce your
new ruler and master for eternity, Satan!
182
00:09:48,798 --> 00:09:51,910
Now you are all part of my domain!
183
00:09:51,911 --> 00:09:55,514
Everyday in hell grows
larger as my minions�
184
00:09:55,898 --> 00:09:57,848
my m-minions uh� muh,
185
00:09:57,849 --> 00:10:02,673
I'm sorry. I just can't do
this today. I'm just� I'm sorry.
186
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:10,474
Uh, okay. Thank you Satan. Now,
uh, let's begin with the Muslims�
187
00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:12,357
Satan! 'Scuse me. Excuse me.
188
00:10:12,392 --> 00:10:14,501
Chris! But I thought you were dead!
189
00:10:14,536 --> 00:10:16,789
Yeah, well, where was
I gonna go? Detroit?
190
00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:19,221
Chris, I didn't mean for
Saddam to stab you in-
191
00:10:19,256 --> 00:10:24,262
Hey, it's alright. All that matters is that
I'm back, and we're together forever. Right?
192
00:10:24,297 --> 00:10:27,126
Uh, �yeah. Gr-great.
193
00:10:30,332 --> 00:10:33,148
"Let's see. Matthew 15:11.
194
00:10:33,149 --> 00:10:38,090
"Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man;
but that which comes OUT of the mouth defileth a man."
195
00:10:38,091 --> 00:10:40,280
That's a good one,
Clyde Frog. Interesting.
196
00:10:40,281 --> 00:10:41,984
Eric, Sister Anne has come to visit you.
197
00:10:42,019 --> 00:10:45,276
Yea. It is nice to see you, Sister,
but I must prepare for my next sermon.
198
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:47,513
Eric, you need to
stop what you're doing.
199
00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:51,410
You need to tell all the kids to go back
to school, and back to their normal lives.
200
00:10:51,423 --> 00:10:53,334
Sister, have you read this book.
201
00:10:53,369 --> 00:10:55,241
Yes, Eric. A lot more than you have.
202
00:10:55,276 --> 00:10:58,688
Then you know what it says happens
to those who don't follow the Lord-uh.
203
00:10:58,723 --> 00:11:02,872
Eric, the Lord just doesn't send everybody
to hell. That wouldn't make sense.
204
00:11:02,873 --> 00:11:04,445
He wants people to live their llives.
205
00:11:04,489 --> 00:11:06,371
Are you saying that what
the Bible says isn't true?
206
00:11:06,406 --> 00:11:07,104
No.
207
00:11:07,139 --> 00:11:11,091
We've got Jews and perverts and bullies and all
kinds of sinners in this town, Sister Anne-uh!
208
00:11:11,092 --> 00:11:13,305
And without the priest we've
decided to save ourselves.
209
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:16,087
The only ones that kids can
trust now are me and Jesus!
210
00:11:17,696 --> 00:11:19,383
Wait a minute. That's it.
211
00:11:20,271 --> 00:11:24,617
�And I'm gonna save all of you right
now. I'm gonna heal your sins-eh.
212
00:11:28,592 --> 00:11:30,932
Hello Satan-ooh, crap! It's you!
213
00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:32,153
Yeah. It's me.
214
00:11:32,188 --> 00:11:33,339
I thought I killed you!
215
00:11:34,050 --> 00:11:35,695
Well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
216
00:11:35,730 --> 00:11:36,358
Right, right.
217
00:11:36,393 --> 00:11:37,771
Do you have a couple of
minutes to go for a walk?
218
00:11:37,806 --> 00:11:38,820
A walk?
219
00:11:38,855 --> 00:11:40,971
Yeah. Just real quick.
Around the park or somethin'.
220
00:11:41,845 --> 00:11:43,325
Is this some kind of trick?
221
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:46,537
No, I just want you to go for
a quick walk with me. Please?
222
00:11:46,572 --> 00:11:54,242
Well, alright. Just let me grab
somethin' real quick. Okay, let's walk.
223
00:11:57,098 --> 00:12:00,079
Saddam, I get the feeling that
you don't like me very much.
224
00:12:00,114 --> 00:12:03,076
Gee, whatever gave you that idea?
When I stabbed you in the head?!
225
00:12:03,111 --> 00:12:05,999
Look, Satan is a very
important person to me.
226
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,937
And I know he's an
important person to you, too.
227
00:12:07,938 --> 00:12:10,917
So don't you think it's best
for us to just try and get along?
228
00:12:10,918 --> 00:12:13,478
I realize that some
things about me bother you.
229
00:12:13,479 --> 00:12:16,250
So I'd like to hear what those
things are so that I can work on them.
230
00:12:16,451 --> 00:12:18,337
You know what I don't like you, Chris?
231
00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:20,690
Because you're the kind of guy
who, if someone didn't like him,
232
00:12:20,691 --> 00:12:22,739
would take him for a walk
in the park and ask him why.
233
00:12:22,740 --> 00:12:24,315
You're a pussy!
234
00:12:27,798 --> 00:12:29,000
Oh God!
235
00:12:41,399 --> 00:12:45,395
Today this Jewish boy and all
sinners are going to be saved-uh!
236
00:12:45,396 --> 00:12:47,445
Kyle, do you believe in God-uh?!
237
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:48,062
Yes!
238
00:12:48,097 --> 00:12:49,887
Do you want to be saved from hell-uh?!
239
00:12:49,922 --> 00:12:50,642
Yes!
240
00:12:50,677 --> 00:12:56,727
That's good, because right now, all the Jewness is comin'
out of your body, bein' replaced by the Spirit of God-uh!
241
00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:01,171
Praise God! How do you feel now? Do
you feel the light of God inside o'ya?
242
00:13:01,206 --> 00:13:02,719
Uh, I think so.
243
00:13:02,754 --> 00:13:03,827
Praise the Lord-uh!
244
00:13:05,514 --> 00:13:09,618
For he is Lord, he is Lord�
245
00:13:09,619 --> 00:13:10,931
Bring up the next person!
246
00:13:10,932 --> 00:13:15,799
This boy has been crippled with sin-uh. But
I hear God saying that this boy will walk!
247
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:16,983
Huh-ah Halleluyah!
248
00:13:17,975 --> 00:13:21,105
We are gonna save you and you
are gonna walk with the Lord-uh!
249
00:13:22,050 --> 00:13:23,625
Devil be GOAN-uh!
250
00:13:24,531 --> 00:13:25,821
Now WALK, Timmih!
251
00:13:26,868 --> 00:13:29,075
Come on, Timmy, get
out of that chair-uh!
252
00:13:28,964 --> 00:13:32,231
The Lord wants you to
walk, Timmih! Oo-WALK, Timmih!
253
00:13:33,851 --> 00:13:34,818
He walks-uh!
254
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:39,028
Yes! Praise the Lord!
255
00:13:39,063 --> 00:13:40,320
Praise the Lord!
256
00:13:43,157 --> 00:13:47,539
And now it's like there's one guy who's horrible
to me but I'm totally sexually attracted to,
257
00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:51,947
and then one guy who's really nice to me
but I'm not sexually attracted to at all.
258
00:13:51,982 --> 00:13:53,063
Wow, that really sucks.
259
00:13:53,098 --> 00:13:56,353
I've asked everybody for advice,
but nobody seems to know the answer.
260
00:13:56,388 --> 00:13:59,376
Well, there is one person who I always
used to ask when I needed advice.
261
00:13:59,411 --> 00:14:00,260
Who?
262
00:14:00,295 --> 00:14:01,210
God.
263
00:14:01,798 --> 00:14:06,649
God? I can't do that. I haven't
spoken to God in like, 5000 years.
264
00:14:06,684 --> 00:14:08,113
Well then, maybe it's time.
265
00:14:11,837 --> 00:14:15,565
Do dodo dum do dodo.
Do dodo dum do dodo.
266
00:14:15,566 --> 00:14:18,445
For he is Lord, Lord Lord Lord.
267
00:14:18,446 --> 00:14:20,029
Where are you from, little boy?
268
00:14:20,064 --> 00:14:20,481
Denver.
269
00:14:20,516 --> 00:14:23,787
And God is telling me that you
have� bad eyesight. Is that it?
270
00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:24,583
Yeah, that's right.
271
00:14:25,584 --> 00:14:29,568
Well, God is gonna heal those eyes,
and save you from the devil begone!
272
00:14:30,517 --> 00:14:31,350
Hooray!
273
00:14:31,385 --> 00:14:34,610
For he is Lord, Lord Lord Lord.
274
00:14:34,611 --> 00:14:38,010
Right here we have a little
girl who is very, very ugly!
275
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,536
Do you believe he is gonna
cure your face of the uglies?!
276
00:14:40,615 --> 00:14:41,229
Yes!
277
00:14:41,264 --> 00:14:44,569
He is gonna take that ugly face and
make you reasonable to look at! Bah!
278
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:48,316
Oh, good Lord, somebody say "Amen!"
279
00:14:48,351 --> 00:14:49,101
Amen!
280
00:14:49,136 --> 00:14:50,672
Lord Lord Lord.
281
00:14:55,203 --> 00:14:59,615
Hi hi, welcome to heaven, brother. You've followed
the Mormon faith, and so you've been let in!
282
00:15:00,027 --> 00:15:02,162
Uh, actually, I'm just stopping by.
283
00:15:02,197 --> 00:15:04,288
Well, you've picked a great time!
284
00:15:04,289 --> 00:15:07,331
We've got cookies and punch and we're
just about to start playing charades.
285
00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:08,285
Alright. Yeah.
286
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:12,469
And then, brother Stephen's brought his guitar so
we can sing songs about how much it hurts to lie.
287
00:15:13,752 --> 00:15:16,660
Ah, look, I just need to
talk with God. Is he around?
288
00:15:16,695 --> 00:15:19,576
Sure. All you have to do is
say his name and he's there.
289
00:15:19,611 --> 00:15:21,016
I'm so grateful for that.
290
00:15:21,051 --> 00:15:22,542
Me, too. Uh huh.
291
00:15:22,577 --> 00:15:23,338
Great. Thanks.
292
00:15:25,735 --> 00:15:31,796
Ah. Hello? G-God? It's uh� Satan.
293
00:15:35,317 --> 00:15:37,929
Yea. Look upon me, and know me.
294
00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:38,948
Hi, God.
295
00:15:39,565 --> 00:15:42,253
Hello, Satan. It's been a long time.
296
00:15:42,288 --> 00:15:43,182
Yeah.
297
00:15:43,217 --> 00:15:46,963
What brings you here? Do you wish to
mount your unholy war against heaven?
298
00:15:46,998 --> 00:15:50,428
No, I have a problem,
and I need your advice.
299
00:15:51,246 --> 00:15:54,407
You want to rule more than hell?
You want to destroy the earth?
300
00:15:54,863 --> 00:15:57,361
No, it's kind of a long story but,
301
00:15:57,362 --> 00:16:03,451
well, it all started when this Iraqi dictator,
Saddam Hussein, was killed by a pack of wild boars.
302
00:16:03,452 --> 00:16:07,989
I remember when I first met him in
hell. It was a lovely morning in April�
303
00:16:08,024 --> 00:16:10,735
Halleluyah! Praise the Lord!
304
00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:13,278
And now, I'm receiving a
message directly from God-uh!
305
00:16:13,279 --> 00:16:17,678
God is telling me that� each and every
one of you is to walk up to the stage,
306
00:16:17,679 --> 00:16:19,915
and give me one dollar!
307
00:16:20,795 --> 00:16:23,971
So I want everyone to feel the
love of God by coming up heah,
308
00:16:23,972 --> 00:16:26,167
and putting a dollar in the box-ah!
309
00:16:26,168 --> 00:16:28,248
Come on, don't be shy! Come on now!
310
00:16:28,609 --> 00:16:30,356
Dude, that seems kind of weird.
311
00:16:30,391 --> 00:16:32,522
Yeah. I don't remember him
saying anything about this.
312
00:16:33,106 --> 00:16:39,354
Heh-and now Chris and Saddam just keep killing each
other over and over and� I don't know which one to pick.
313
00:16:40,925 --> 00:16:42,898
Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
314
00:16:42,933 --> 00:16:44,103
Huh?
315
00:16:44,138 --> 00:16:46,887
You got kicked out of here
for being a headstrong rebel.
316
00:16:46,888 --> 00:16:48,882
And now you're a whiny little bitch.
317
00:16:48,917 --> 00:16:50,987
Well, I just don't
know which one to pick.
318
00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:53,980
No, you've become
dependent on relationships.
319
00:16:53,981 --> 00:16:57,714
So you haven't even considered the
option of not being with either of them.
320
00:16:57,715 --> 00:17:01,338
And if you're not sexually attracted
to someone, you're not ever going to be.
321
00:17:01,339 --> 00:17:04,171
But Saddam isn't right
either. He's the other extreme.
322
00:17:04,172 --> 00:17:08,605
You need to spend time alone so that you
can find the balance, the middle ground.
323
00:17:08,606 --> 00:17:11,131
That's what I always do,
because I'm a Buddhist.
324
00:17:11,166 --> 00:17:14,876
God, you're right. You know, I've
had steady relationships for the last�
325
00:17:14,877 --> 00:17:17,846
thousand years, and when one ends
I just start another one, but�
326
00:17:17,847 --> 00:17:20,630
I haven't taken the time
to be secure with myself.
327
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:21,389
Bingo.
328
00:17:22,702 --> 00:17:27,518
Hey Thanks, God. I forgot how
clear you make things sometimes.
329
00:17:27,553 --> 00:17:29,550
It was nice to see you again, Satan.
330
00:17:29,585 --> 00:17:30,420
You too.
331
00:17:30,455 --> 00:17:31,456
Good-bye.
332
00:17:34,349 --> 00:17:36,245
Would you like to stay
for some cookies and punch?
333
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:37,223
Yes, would you?
334
00:17:37,258 --> 00:17:39,272
Uh, no, I need to be getting back.
335
00:17:39,307 --> 00:17:41,812
Oh, alright then, but you're
gonna miss our big play.
336
00:17:41,847 --> 00:17:45,242
Yes. We're going to do a play about
how alcohol can ruin family life.
337
00:17:45,277 --> 00:17:48,691
Wow. That sounds great,
but uh, I really gotta go.
338
00:17:50,165 --> 00:17:52,202
Wehull, he seemed like a nice fellow.
339
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:52,846
Yes.
340
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:55,830
Let's go make things out of egg cartons.
341
00:17:55,865 --> 00:17:57,371
Oooo, yeah. I'll do that.
342
00:18:01,594 --> 00:18:06,405
Yeess. Yeess. It worked,
you guys, it actually worked!
343
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:07,159
What worked?
344
00:18:07,194 --> 00:18:11,273
Eheverybody bought the whole act! They
keep giving and giving until we have it all!
345
00:18:11,308 --> 00:18:11,961
What?
346
00:18:11,996 --> 00:18:13,252
You're keeping that money yourself?
347
00:18:13,287 --> 00:18:17,842
Of course, you guys! And then
we can make� ten million dollars!
348
00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:21,990
Look, the tooth fairy thing didn't work, the boy
band thing didn't last, so I tried this route.
349
00:18:22,037 --> 00:18:23,041
Waitwaitwaitwaitwait.
350
00:18:23,042 --> 00:18:25,804
You mean that this whole thing has just been
a way for you to make ten million dollars?
351
00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:28,731
It all came to me days ago, when
we were first in Sunday school.
352
00:18:28,766 --> 00:18:30,268
Well, what about going
to hell and all that?!
353
00:18:30,303 --> 00:18:33,025
Dude, if God is all-understanding,
he wouldn't send us to hell.
354
00:18:33,026 --> 00:18:34,382
Even Sister Anne told me that.
355
00:18:34,417 --> 00:18:35,651
Then why didn't you tell us?!
356
00:18:35,686 --> 00:18:37,992
My brain is of a much
larger size than you guys's.
357
00:18:37,993 --> 00:18:40,828
I couldn't expect you to understand,
not until you actually saw the cash flow!
358
00:18:40,863 --> 00:18:43,056
The only thing of yours that's
larger in size is your big fat ass!
359
00:18:43,365 --> 00:18:44,692
Suck my balls!
360
00:18:44,727 --> 00:18:46,483
Dude, I an so disillusioned right now.
361
00:18:47,775 --> 00:18:48,535
Die, pussy!
362
00:18:54,417 --> 00:19:00,442
Guys, guys, guys! Look, you both can
stop fighting now! I've made a decision.
363
00:19:00,923 --> 00:19:01,475
You have?
364
00:19:01,821 --> 00:19:05,158
Yes. I� don't want to be
with either one of you.
365
00:19:05,193 --> 00:19:05,920
What?!
366
00:19:05,955 --> 00:19:09,859
Saddam, you're an asshole. And you'll
never be the friend that I want.
367
00:19:09,860 --> 00:19:14,167
And Chris, well, you're a pussy.
And you'll never be the lover I want.
368
00:19:14,168 --> 00:19:17,901
So I'm just gonna be alone for
a while and learn to like myself.
369
00:19:18,820 --> 00:19:21,476
Satan. Can we go for a walk in the park?
370
00:19:21,511 --> 00:19:26,240
No, I'm not going on a walk! You're a pussy,
Chris, and you drive me crazy; go away!
371
00:19:26,275 --> 00:19:27,107
Fine.
372
00:19:27,142 --> 00:19:29,803
Hell, you can't leave me,
Satan! I won't let you!
373
00:19:32,964 --> 00:19:37,091
Today is another day! And that's another
dollar the Lord needs from you-uh!
374
00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:39,180
So come on up and give to the Lord-uh!
375
00:19:39,189 --> 00:19:42,867
Alright kids, it's time to
go! It's time for this to stop!
376
00:19:43,192 --> 00:19:45,256
Sister Anne is a blasphemer!
377
00:19:45,291 --> 00:19:48,747
I know you won't listen to me.
That's why I brought somebody else.
378
00:19:51,326 --> 00:19:52,673
Wow!
379
00:19:52,708 --> 00:19:53,539
Jesus!
380
00:19:53,574 --> 00:19:54,151
Uh oh.
381
00:19:54,186 --> 00:19:57,510
Kids, you need to all stop spending all
your time here and go back to school.
382
00:19:58,214 --> 00:19:59,801
Jesus, ixnay on the oolschay.
383
00:19:59,802 --> 00:20:04,092
God doesn't want you to spend all your time
being afraid of hell, or praising His name.
384
00:20:04,093 --> 00:20:08,154
God wants you to spend your time helping
others, and living a good, happy life.
385
00:20:08,155 --> 00:20:10,258
That's how you live for Him.
386
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:14,016
Ee-yes, by doing that, and,
putting a dollar in the box-uh!
387
00:20:15,134 --> 00:20:16,387
Let's go ice-skating.
388
00:20:17,853 --> 00:20:19,986
Uhwe can help Timmy learn
how to ice-skate, too.
389
00:20:20,021 --> 00:20:20,809
Yeah.
390
00:20:22,402 --> 00:20:25,878
No, come back! You face
everlasting damnation!
391
00:20:25,879 --> 00:20:31,592
Wait! No! No! I can't be cheated out of
my ten million dollars again! God damnit!
392
00:20:31,627 --> 00:20:32,783
Serves you right, Cartman!
393
00:20:32,818 --> 00:20:33,538
Yeah!
394
00:20:33,573 --> 00:20:36,660
But Eric, I think this time
I have to teach you a lesson!
395
00:20:36,661 --> 00:20:39,594
I'm sending you somewhere
to think about your sins!
396
00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:40,778
You're gonna send me to hell?
397
00:20:40,813 --> 00:20:42,147
No. Worse!
398
00:20:45,723 --> 00:20:46,582
(Eric! Eric!)
399
00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:48,075
Aw, crap!
400
00:20:54,101 --> 00:20:55,231
Hi, Bob. Hi, Rick.
401
00:20:55,266 --> 00:20:55,976
Hi, Satan.
402
00:20:56,011 --> 00:20:57,068
There you are!
403
00:20:57,103 --> 00:20:58,717
Awgh. Not again.
404
00:20:58,752 --> 00:21:02,177
You know you can't live without
me. Now GET THAT ASS BACK TO BED!
405
00:21:02,212 --> 00:21:04,910
Saddam, I told you: I
don't need you anymore!
406
00:21:04,945 --> 00:21:07,395
You can't leave me,
Satan. Nobody leaves me.
407
00:21:07,430 --> 00:21:09,288
Yes I can! Raaarrr
408
00:21:10,833 --> 00:21:12,329
Aw, you little prick!
409
00:21:12,364 --> 00:21:13,991
Good-bye forever, Saddam!
410
00:21:14,491 --> 00:21:17,063
What are you talking about?! You can
kill me, but I'll be back tomorrow.
411
00:21:17,098 --> 00:21:21,183
Not this time! I asked a favor of
an old friend of mine to let you in!
412
00:21:21,481 --> 00:21:22,312
Let me in where?
413
00:21:25,802 --> 00:21:27,695
What the? Hey, what
the hell is this place?!
414
00:21:28,129 --> 00:21:29,026
Hello, and welcome.
415
00:21:29,061 --> 00:21:30,226
We're glad you made it, brother.
416
00:21:30,261 --> 00:21:31,265
Ey, who the hell are you?
417
00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:36,540
We're just about to do a play, about how much
stealing hurts you deep inside. Come join us.
418
00:21:36,575 --> 00:21:37,515
Yes. Come on. Let's go.
419
00:21:37,550 --> 00:21:38,201
You're here forever.
420
00:21:38,236 --> 00:21:41,373
No, no!
35534
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