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1
00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:03,879
I can't. I can't do it.
2
00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:06,381
Oh, of course you can and you will.
3
00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:10,594
Okay, Schmidt,
we've been to 11 weddings in a row.
4
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:11,845
That's too many weddings.
5
00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:13,972
I can't even get
into the fridge anymore.
6
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:20,812
Aah!
7
00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:22,064
I'm so hungry.
8
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:23,982
Why does everybody get
to have a party
9
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,651
for everything in their life?
10
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:27,069
Why can't I have a party
11
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:29,196
for really dedicating myself
to knitting this summer?
12
00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:31,114
God, I hate that you knit.
I hate everything about it.
13
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:32,616
-Why?
-It makes me angry
14
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:33,784
and scared all at the same time.
15
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,202
Just like when I hear the phrase,
16
00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,496
"Academy Award Winner Anna Paquin."
17
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,623
-Jessica, you are going to this wedding.
-Well... well...
18
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:41,667
And I'm gonna tell you why.
Sexual intercourse.
19
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:42,835
Do you remember that?
20
00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,212
You got to get back out there, Jess.
21
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:48,048
The last mouth that you kissed
was Nick's mouth.
22
00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:49,216
That was four months ago.
23
00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:51,343
Think about that. That's horrible.
24
00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:52,845
Hey. Is Schmidt making fun of me?
25
00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:53,929
-Yes.
-Hi, Nick.
26
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:56,139
-Okay, cool. Just checking.
-Are you wearing tap shoes?
27
00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:57,266
I got 'em at the Goodwill.
I thought they were
28
00:00:57,349 --> 00:00:58,350
just really shiny dress shoes.
29
00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:00,018
-(CLICKING)
-They're cool.
30
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,273
Hey, what do you guys think about
this belt? Like for a wedding gift?
31
00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,732
Nick, Coach, get in here.
32
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:07,401
Everybody in here.
33
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:09,069
Are we a man down?
34
00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:10,445
I feel like there's one more of us.
35
00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:12,030
Something going on in Jess' room?
36
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:13,156
I'm coming!
37
00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:14,783
(MOANS)
38
00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:17,411
Just wait for me.
39
00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:20,080
-He's sore from Police Academy.
-WINSTON: I'm sore from Police Academy!
40
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:22,958
Okay, we have gone to wedding
after wedding this summer,
41
00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:25,377
and, with the exception
of Coach and myself,
42
00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:27,921
none of us have truly taken advantage
43
00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:30,007
of the sexual opportunities
that a wedding provides.
44
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,091
JESS: Not true.
45
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:34,052
Wedding number seven,
an unneutered dog ran after me, so...
46
00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:35,762
-(SCOFFS)
-I made out with a bridesmaid.
47
00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:36,930
-JESS: You did?
-Yes.
48
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,182
She was wearing a hospital bracelet
49
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:39,933
and carrying a dead goldfish in a bag.
50
00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:41,643
-(SNORTS)
-She was still a bridesmaid.
51
00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:43,103
She looked like the snowman
from Frozen.
52
00:01:43,187 --> 00:01:44,313
Hey, aim for the middle.
53
00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:46,732
The ride's rough at first,
but the body adjusts.
54
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:47,816
(THUD, CLATTERING)
55
00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:49,610
WINSTON: I'm all right!
I just rolled off the couch.
56
00:01:49,693 --> 00:01:51,028
Winston, please!
57
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:53,864
I can't close my ass!
58
00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:56,366
We are hooking up tonight,
all five of us,
59
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,452
including the gimp.
60
00:01:58,535 --> 00:01:59,786
This is the last wedding of summer,
61
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,496
which means it is our last chance.
62
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:03,957
-Nobody meets anybody in fall...
-No.
63
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,751
Or winter. What, are you gonna gamble
64
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:07,836
on the unknown contents
of a bulky sweater?
65
00:02:09,213 --> 00:02:10,214
Not me.
66
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,758
-Do you realize how important this is?
-I do.
67
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:15,886
Winter... is coming.
68
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,765
No one comes home alone.
69
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,683
You know what, yeah.
70
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:23,185
Yeah, I'm in.
71
00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,394
-She's in.
-We're all in.
72
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:25,479
-Yeah.
-Yes.
73
00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:26,563
WINSTON: I'm in.
74
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,565
I can't hear what's going on, but I'm in.
75
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,943
All five of us out there together,
76
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,110
in the wild,
77
00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:34,947
getting some strange, like a sex fist.
78
00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,198
-I'm sorry, what?
-Mmm, that's not what you mean.
79
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:38,534
-What's a sex fist, now?
-One, two, three, four,
80
00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:41,328
five of us, together, make a fist.
81
00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:42,579
-You're making a mistake right now.
-JESS: Schmidt, Nick,
82
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,040
Coach, Winston, Jess... Sex fist.
83
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,042
-NICK: No, that's not right.
-When you put them all together,
84
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,627
tearing our way through the reception.
85
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,254
-Slow down.
-Are you listening to what you're saying?
86
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:51,338
-Isn't that sweet?
-(COACH AND NICK MUTTERING)
87
00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:52,422
It's a metaphor for togetherness.
88
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:53,882
-It could just be a fist.
-JESS: All five of us
89
00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:55,467
sex-fisting our way...
90
00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,136
(SINGING) Who's that girl?
91
00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,221
Who's that girl?
92
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:00,305
It's Jess!
93
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:07,354
Hi, everybody. Uh, I'm Ted. I'm, uh...
94
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,398
I'm Mark's best friend and his best man.
95
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:12,609
I've known Mark since he was
in diapers, you know?
96
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:15,946
Uh, and, by that,
I mean junior year of college.
97
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,781
(LAUGHTER)
98
00:03:17,948 --> 00:03:20,659
Ah, what about him, Jess?
99
00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,160
What? The best man?
100
00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:24,580
-Best man.
-Get real, you clown.
101
00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,248
I've been out of the game too long.
102
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,541
He's a wedding celebrity.
103
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,877
Everybody say hi to Nana.
How great does Nana look, everybody?
104
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,087
Give it up for Nana.
105
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:33,380
Six months sober.
106
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:34,464
(LAUGHTER)
107
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,258
I'm kidding. Three months.
108
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:38,302
(LAUGHTER)
109
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:39,720
Jess, come on. Get in there.
110
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:40,888
-What?
-You got this.
111
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,264
-Think so?
-Yes, you got the bangs parted.
112
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:43,348
You're looking good.
113
00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:44,433
-Really?
-Yes.
114
00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,101
-Okay.
-Wait a minute. Hold on.
115
00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,146
Stick your boobs out.
Gotta turn the headlights on.
116
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,814
Ew! Schmidt.
117
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,983
-But you got it.
-Sex fist.
118
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,276
All right.
119
00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:55,611
Hi.
120
00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,113
Hi to you.
121
00:03:58,197 --> 00:03:59,239
(CHUCKLES)
122
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:00,407
I'm Coach.
123
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:02,993
Oh, my God.
124
00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:04,536
You don't remember me?
125
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,038
Yeah...
126
00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:07,164
-Yeah, I remember...
-(YELLS)
127
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,624
-Ooh...
-Ooh...
128
00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:11,168
COACH: I'm good.
It's the end of the wedding season.
129
00:04:11,335 --> 00:04:12,503
We've got some repeats.
130
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,671
Oh, God. What is she doing here?
131
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,423
I thought she was in Australia.
132
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,675
How do I look? How Jewish?
133
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,344
I mean, like, good Jewish or bad Jewish?
134
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:21,637
Oh, I won't say... it feels like a trap.
135
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,764
Come on. Come with me.
136
00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,516
I haven't told the guys
137
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,851
that you broke up with
Buster yet, 'cause, um...
138
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:29,353
I feel like I might have to tell Schmidt
139
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,271
outside a hospital,
140
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:32,856
like, you know, when you give a baby
141
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,358
peanut butter for the first time?
142
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:35,651
Yeah.
143
00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:37,611
You're not doing this tonight.
144
00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:39,029
-What?
-You're not doing this tonight.
145
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,405
-I'm not listening to you.
-You're not doing this tonight.
146
00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:42,366
-I'm picturing Cece naked.
-Stop doing this!
147
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,784
Cece has a boyfriend,
148
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,619
and your obsession with her
149
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,454
is not good for you, man.
150
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:49,122
She's been away all summer,
151
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:51,124
and you have been killing it!
152
00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:52,668
Mostly hand stuff.
153
00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,002
Who had sex with a bridesmaid
154
00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:56,213
on a 45-minute flight to San Jose?
155
00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:57,464
Me.
156
00:04:57,548 --> 00:04:58,882
You were boarding group "D."
157
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,843
She was "B." How's that even possible?
158
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:02,511
-Gotta think outside of the box, my man.
-Now get your little
159
00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:04,638
white butt back out there
160
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:07,432
and finish the summer
of sex that you started.
161
00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:08,517
That's what I'm talking about.
162
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,352
-Cece gone.
-See that bridesmaid right there?
163
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:11,436
-The pretty one?
-SCHMIDT: Sure do.
164
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:12,563
-The foxy lady?
-Mmm-hmm.
165
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,022
NICK: Well, you're going home
with her tonight.
166
00:05:14,106 --> 00:05:15,274
-And I got your back.
-Look at that.
167
00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:16,400
She looks like the girl
from the commercial
168
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,901
playing tennis with a tampon in.
169
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,194
Let's do it.
170
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,990
-Hi. I'm Jess.
-Hi. I'm Ted.
171
00:05:23,115 --> 00:05:24,491
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
172
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:26,618
So you're from Wisconsin...
(VOICE SQUEAKS)
173
00:05:26,702 --> 00:05:27,703
(CLEARS THROAT)
174
00:05:28,412 --> 00:05:29,413
(COUGHS)
175
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:30,664
I'm sorry. Is this thing on?
176
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,624
You're making your throat
like a microphone.
177
00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:33,750
Yeah. (COUGHS RASPILY)
178
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,836
-That's funny! Yeah.
-Thank you.
179
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,796
-WOMAN: I loved your speech.
-Oh.
180
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,673
-Hi. I'm Kat.
-Hi.
181
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,383
-I'm Ted.
-KAT: Really nice to meet you.
182
00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:43,302
Yeah. Oh.
183
00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:44,553
Excuse me.
184
00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:46,513
My girlfriend's getting jealous.
185
00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:49,057
KAT: Perfect specimen.
186
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,522
Ted is the only eligible guy here,
187
00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:57,733
and we are his two best
options for procreation.
188
00:05:57,816 --> 00:05:59,443
-Oh.
-I'm not trying
189
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:00,611
to intimidate you,
190
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,029
I just want you to know
who you're dealing with
191
00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,031
if we're both gonna compete
for this man tonight.
192
00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:06,074
-What?
-Here are the facts.
193
00:06:06,158 --> 00:06:07,534
I am technically a genius,
194
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:08,785
I have a photographic memory
195
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,621
and I lost my virginity
to Malcolm Gladwell.
196
00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:12,122
Okay...
197
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:14,458
Have you ever heard
of Plutoxic Syndrome?
198
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:15,834
That's because I cured it.
199
00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:17,336
You're welcome, vaginas everywhere.
200
00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:19,838
(GOOFY VOICE)
Oh, thank you very much.
201
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,217
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I'm sorry, that was...
202
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,968
vagina voice, and...
203
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,303
it was a huge mistake.
204
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,763
I stay current on sporting events.
205
00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:29,681
I watch 30 minutes of porn every night
206
00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,600
just to stay up to date
on the latest sex trends.
207
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,976
In the coming months, I'm predicting
208
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,436
a throwback to missionary.
209
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,480
It all depends on
what happens in Syria.
210
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:37,648
Well, have you ever had sex
211
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,566
when you were really,
really, really, really,
212
00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:41,652
-really, really tired?
-I'm never tired.
213
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,570
I'm the better choice of mate.
214
00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:45,656
From a purely biological standpoint,
215
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:46,782
you're shorter, weaker, and dumber.
216
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,617
No offense. I love those shoes.
217
00:06:50,619 --> 00:06:52,412
I love your shoes.
218
00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:54,998
But I love your shoes.
219
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,124
Your shoes.
220
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,085
-No, I love your shoes.
-Your shoes.
221
00:06:58,168 --> 00:06:59,503
-Your shoes.
-(QUIETLY) Your shoes.
222
00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:01,255
(WHISPERING) Your shoes.
223
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,131
(MOUTHING)
224
00:07:03,215 --> 00:07:05,801
-What?
-I was just moving my mouth.
225
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:12,015
-So you're competing with her?
-JESS: I can take her down,
226
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:14,142
because I have something
she doesn't have.
227
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:15,227
You guys.
228
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,895
Now, strategies.
229
00:07:16,979 --> 00:07:18,146
What about you, Coach?
230
00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:19,481
You hook up at weddings all the time.
231
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:20,649
What's your strategy?
232
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:22,067
It's called being a gorgeous black man
233
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,652
with the body of an action figure.
234
00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:25,320
I could give that a try.
235
00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:26,738
-(LAUGHING)
-NICK: You want to know what your
236
00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:28,615
ex-boyfriend thinks you should do
to get the guy?
237
00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:29,825
No, I don't. That's super weird.
238
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,410
Yeah, it's too weird, so... somebody else.
239
00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:33,662
Okay, look, babe, just get out
on the dance floor, okay?
240
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:36,373
Guys think that the way you
dance is the way you have sex.
241
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,458
-Okay.
-So just give them a little something.
242
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:40,252
You just need to, like,
roll your body a little bit.
243
00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:42,421
Something a little sexy.
244
00:07:42,546 --> 00:07:43,797
Pop your hip out a little bit.
245
00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:45,299
Hey, man, I'm not gonna
lie to you right now.
246
00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:46,633
-I've got a halfie.
-Okay, we got to go!
247
00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:48,844
-Excuse me, everybody!
-I need a minute.
248
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,888
What do you think of this?
249
00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:55,434
WINSTON: Mmm... hmm...
250
00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:58,854
COACH: Mmm-mmm.
251
00:07:58,937 --> 00:07:59,938
I'm good to go now.
252
00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:01,523
-Let's go!
-All right.
253
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,233
Ugh!
254
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,110
I just want to get back out there,
255
00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:07,738
but I feel like I forgot
everything I knew.
256
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,616
Do you guys still like an
Oakland face with an LA booty?
257
00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,451
Would you like to know my strategy, Jess?
258
00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:14,578
Is the art of seduction
really where you shine?
259
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:16,371
Be there.
260
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:17,581
(LAUGHS) That's it?
261
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,000
Yeah. Just be there.
262
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,085
No matter where he goes, be there.
263
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,504
He gets a drink, be there.
264
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,005
He talks to his friends, be there.
265
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:27,007
At the end of the night, be there.
266
00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:28,717
It's called "The Joe Biden."
267
00:08:28,926 --> 00:08:30,135
That's creepy, man.
268
00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:31,303
The basic concept
of what he's saying, though,
269
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:32,387
could actually work.
270
00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:33,472
Yeah.
271
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:34,848
(CHUCKLES)
272
00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:36,808
I'm gonna Biden his ass.
273
00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:38,560
Mmm-hmm.
274
00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:41,271
Oh, yeah. Yup. That'll do it.
275
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:42,940
I know.
276
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:44,858
Oh, hey! Uh, you know,
277
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:47,778
Kat was just telling me
about her hairlessness.
278
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,238
-JESS: Hmm.
-She's like a seal.
279
00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:51,865
-(LAUGHS)
-Hmm. That's okay.
280
00:08:51,949 --> 00:08:53,325
You guys talk.
281
00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:55,285
I'm just gonna be here.
282
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:57,704
I'm sorry I didn't call you.
283
00:08:57,788 --> 00:08:59,915
Why are you so scared of intimacy?
284
00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:02,417
Who broke your heart and why
haven't you forgiven her?
285
00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:04,837
Uh... Well... Yeah, the...
286
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:05,921
Huh?
287
00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:07,756
You're arrogant, you're sexist...
288
00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:09,258
You stole my phone charger.
289
00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:11,134
You're conceited. You're a liar.
290
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,344
Aah!
291
00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:13,887
I rented Best Man Holiday.
292
00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:15,138
You're not in it.
293
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,560
So, you know Tom...
294
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:23,522
uh, Tom, of course, he wanted
to sell shoes for a profit.
295
00:09:23,689 --> 00:09:25,148
And I said, "No."
296
00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:26,400
I said, "You...
297
00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:29,069
"You do something better."
298
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:33,282
You got a... pretty good face.
299
00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:35,659
So, you guys want to come
home with us, right?
300
00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:38,120
We want to do a four-way.
301
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:40,038
Me, her, you and him.
302
00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:43,166
Of course. We'll, uh... Nick?
303
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,251
(KNOCKS)
304
00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:45,752
Nick?
305
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,465
-Hi. How are you?
-Hi.
306
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,050
-TED: Good. How are you?
-Are you enjoying the wedding?
307
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:53,760
TED: Yeah.
308
00:09:53,969 --> 00:09:55,721
You be... Yeah.
309
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,765
Mmm... Mmm...
310
00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:00,559
Mmm!
311
00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,855
-Hey. Hey, Nick.
-Hey, Schmidt.
312
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,733
Hey, do you know how they sell
ice cream at the drugstore?
313
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,526
I'm not having a four-way with you.
End of discussion.
314
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,361
Come on, Nick.
We don't have any other choice.
315
00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:13,363
I've found 15 other girls
since I've been here.
316
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:16,158
They're all either married
or taken or mad at Coach.
317
00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:17,451
I'm not doing a four-way with you...
318
00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:19,286
It's the last helicopter
out of Saigon, my man.
319
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:20,370
Charlie won.
320
00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:22,039
-No, Schmidt.
-You won't even know it's me, Nick.
321
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,791
Look, at this point,
it's all skin and shapes...
322
00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:25,918
That's... that's what I'm afraid of.
323
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:27,002
It's the fog of war, man.
324
00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:28,837
There's so much stuff going on.
325
00:10:28,921 --> 00:10:30,214
-You're just, you're just here.
-Yeah...
326
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,298
You don't even know what's happening.
327
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:32,674
Okay, but I want to know
what's happening
328
00:10:32,758 --> 00:10:34,176
if it's with sex... I don't want some
329
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:37,346
fog of war on top of me,
if it looks like you.
330
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:39,139
That's the point. The fog of war
is something you can't see through.
331
00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:40,682
Like, the whole thing
with the Charlie thing
332
00:10:40,766 --> 00:10:42,184
and Vietnam,
I don't know who I'm fighting!
333
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:44,520
I'm soft like a lady.
You won't even know.
334
00:10:44,603 --> 00:10:46,480
-But what if I get a surprise?
-"A surprise"?
335
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,899
-What if there's a surprise on me?
-There's not gonna be a surprise on you.
336
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,151
What if I'm fighting the war and boom,
there's a surprise!
337
00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:52,611
You go north, I go south.
338
00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:54,404
Do you know what I'm saying?
339
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,865
I'm in steerage and I'm rowing.
340
00:10:56,949 --> 00:10:58,825
And I'm rowing
and I'm rowing and the...
341
00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:00,285
You're up in the crow's nest.
342
00:11:00,369 --> 00:11:01,703
Fresh air up there, man.
343
00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:03,288
And I'm in the trenches, you know?
344
00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:04,498
I'm digging for coal.
345
00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:05,832
I'm breathing in those fumes.
346
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:07,292
And you're up here. You're just taking
347
00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:09,461
in the sights.
You're spotting dolphins, huh?
348
00:11:09,545 --> 00:11:12,047
You're just the handsome prince
covered in salty sea spray...
349
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,758
I don't want you calling me handsome
before a potential four-way!
350
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:16,134
This...
351
00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:18,303
Nick, please! I'm begging you for this.
352
00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:19,513
Cece is here.
353
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:20,764
And I can't get her out of my head.
354
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,308
Don't, don't, don't play the Cece card
right now, don't do...
355
00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:24,977
I'm gonna play the Cece card, okay?
356
00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:27,437
Look, she's here and I don't
want to go home alone.
357
00:11:27,563 --> 00:11:29,731
-(GROANS)
-I need your help, please.
358
00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:32,359
(GRUNTS LOUDLY)
359
00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:34,653
What's up, guys?
360
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:36,029
Tell you what. I am so sore
361
00:11:36,113 --> 00:11:37,990
I can't have sex
with nobody tonight.
362
00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:41,618
Only thing I want in my mouth
is Mr. and Mrs. I.B. Profen.
363
00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:43,161
(LAUGHS) Minus the mister.
364
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:44,872
SCHMIDT: My man. Winston,
I got a question for you.
365
00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:47,082
Do you think that, that two men
366
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,835
can engage in group sex without...
367
00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,879
without compromising
their friendship?
368
00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:53,088
Good question, good question.
369
00:11:53,172 --> 00:11:54,673
Um... Okay.
370
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:56,842
Uh, let's just say
371
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:57,926
Nick is the salt.
372
00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,761
And, Schmidt, you are the pepper.
373
00:11:59,845 --> 00:12:01,555
I'm assuming we're
talking about you two.
374
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,056
-Hypothetically, I suppose. Whatever.
-Yes.
375
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,641
-Hypothetically, all right.
-Not necessarily.
376
00:12:04,850 --> 00:12:07,186
Actually I'm gonna need some...
377
00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:08,604
Ooh, boy.
378
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,147
Seems as if I've made a mess.
379
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,690
Got to clean that up.
380
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,233
Yes, look at that.
381
00:12:13,317 --> 00:12:14,943
Salt all in the pepper.
382
00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:16,153
Pepper all in the salt.
383
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,238
Just mixed up like that.
384
00:12:18,322 --> 00:12:21,325
Is there salt shoved
in the pepper hole?
385
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:24,328
How'd it get in there?
How did salt get shoved into this
386
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:27,039
tiny, tiny pepper hole?
387
00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:28,165
Nick?
388
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,669
You're terrible at demonstrations!
389
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:38,717
Oh, uh...
390
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:39,801
You know, I'm just gonna, uh...
391
00:12:39,885 --> 00:12:41,053
Yeah, Ted. Get crazy.
392
00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:42,721
Leave it all out there on the field.
393
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,097
Okay. (CLAPS HANDS)
394
00:12:44,181 --> 00:12:46,391
I'll come back with stories.
(CHUCKLES)
395
00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:47,768
(BOTH LAUGH)
396
00:12:48,352 --> 00:12:49,353
Are you Bidening?
397
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,896
What? No.
398
00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:53,065
(WHISPERS)
How did you know about that?
399
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:56,360
Because I'm always gonna
be one step ahead of you.
400
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:57,653
Extreme Biden!
401
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:05,536
(WHISPERING) Kat.
402
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:06,620
(GRUNTS)
403
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,622
Kat, Kat... Let me out.
404
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,415
This was a huge mistake.
405
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:12,000
I'm sorry. I'm not proud of this.
406
00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:13,502
It smells so bad in here.
407
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,089
(GROANS QUIETLY)
408
00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:20,259
-TED: Jess?
-Hi.
409
00:13:21,093 --> 00:13:22,886
Jess, this is the men's room.
410
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:29,184
This is where it all happens.
411
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:35,941
Don't wait for me, Ted,
'cause I might be awhile.
412
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:40,112
See you out on the dance floor.
413
00:13:45,951 --> 00:13:47,536
And at wedding 12,
414
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:50,414
I sat on a men's toilet.
415
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:58,380
When did one-on-one sex
become old-fashioned?
416
00:13:58,463 --> 00:13:59,756
You know, America's got to take
417
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,466
a hard look in the mirror at ourself.
418
00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,760
We used to make things.
419
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,054
Just be glad you're not single.
420
00:14:06,138 --> 00:14:07,347
Oh.
421
00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:08,932
Actually Buster and I broke up.
422
00:14:10,434 --> 00:14:13,687
-So, anyway...
-(GROANING) Oh... no!
423
00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:16,398
No!
424
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,442
That is so terrible!
425
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,485
-Didn't know you cared this much.
-No, no, no, no...
426
00:14:20,569 --> 00:14:21,820
-If you're single...
-Mmm-hmm.
427
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:23,989
...that means that I have
to do something.
428
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:25,908
Something awful.
429
00:14:25,991 --> 00:14:27,868
You have no idea
what you just did to me.
430
00:14:27,951 --> 00:14:29,745
You have no idea, young lady!
431
00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:35,292
I'll do the four-way with you.
432
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,294
Yes! Okay, I'm gonna go book the room.
433
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,046
You go to housekeeping,
have them give you
434
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:40,631
-as many shower caps as they'll give...
-Okay, stop.
435
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,466
They're gonna get one hand
and I'm not gonna move it.
436
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:43,926
I'm just gonna
dangle it into the mix
437
00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:45,219
while I look
at something else on my phone.
438
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:47,471
-And that's the deal.
-My man, this is gonna be big for us.
439
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,056
-This is for you, buddy.
-Thanks.
440
00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:50,307
(LAUGHS) Yeah!
441
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,143
What the hell is that?
442
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:54,394
What are you talking about?
443
00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:55,854
Yeah, what's that on your hand, man?
444
00:14:55,938 --> 00:14:57,397
Why is it so rough? It's like a hoof.
445
00:14:57,481 --> 00:14:58,982
There's nothing on my hand.
This is a regular old hand...
446
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:00,400
-I'm out, I'm out.
-You're out of what?
447
00:15:00,484 --> 00:15:01,902
Four-way. Done. No way.
448
00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:03,237
-Not with that thing.
-You're a buffoon.
449
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,239
-That is ridiculous.
-I was only doing it for you, Schmidt,
450
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:07,115
so you don't freak out when
you find out that Cece's single.
451
00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:09,743
And now I'm the weirdo
with the hoof hand.
452
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:11,078
What... Take it back from the hoof hand.
453
00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:12,621
What'd you say before?
About Cece being single?
454
00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:13,705
How do you know that?
455
00:15:14,373 --> 00:15:15,374
She's single?
456
00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:17,417
I have my, uh...
457
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,545
-assumptions.
-So Cece's single now.
458
00:15:19,628 --> 00:15:21,547
-You don't know that for sure.
-That's interesting.
459
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:22,965
Why are you so calm?
460
00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:26,677
Interesting.
461
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,262
Don't just say "interesting."
462
00:15:29,888 --> 00:15:30,889
That's interesting.
463
00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:32,850
If you're gonna say "interesting"
say why it's interesting.
464
00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:34,142
It is interesting.
465
00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:37,271
(SCREAMS)
466
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:38,438
Aah!
467
00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:39,940
Nick!
468
00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:41,024
What are you doing here?
469
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:43,235
What are you doing here?
It's the men's room!
470
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:44,528
Mmm...
471
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,530
-Jess, scooch over.
-All right.
472
00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:49,867
(GROANS)
473
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,579
What are you doing?
Just hiding in the bathroom?
474
00:15:53,662 --> 00:15:54,663
Kind of.
475
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:55,873
(LAUGHS)
476
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:58,250
-(LAUGHS)
-Me, too.
477
00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:00,085
I know I'm supposed to, like,
478
00:16:00,169 --> 00:16:01,378
"get back out there,"
479
00:16:01,837 --> 00:16:03,213
you know? But...
480
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,632
Maybe I'm just not built for it.
481
00:16:05,716 --> 00:16:06,800
Man, I hear you.
482
00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,135
Sidebar. What do my hands feel like?
483
00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:10,262
-Hooves.
-Aw, son of a...
484
00:16:12,181 --> 00:16:13,307
Maybe there's a reason
485
00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:14,850
I'm not up on a fridge, you know?
486
00:16:15,309 --> 00:16:18,604
Maybe some people are fridge people,
and other people are...
487
00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:19,730
toilet people.
488
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,191
You think you're a toilet person?
489
00:16:22,274 --> 00:16:24,067
-(LAUGHING)
-You're not a toilet person.
490
00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:25,360
You want to get on the fridge,
491
00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:26,653
you'll get on the fridge, Jess.
492
00:16:26,862 --> 00:16:28,155
Just be yourself,
493
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:30,073
and if he's not into Jessica Day,
494
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:31,909
then there's something
wrong with him.
495
00:16:35,746 --> 00:16:37,289
Be myself.
496
00:16:37,623 --> 00:16:39,249
Like do my Tina Turner impression?
497
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:40,501
How did your brain jump there?
498
00:16:40,584 --> 00:16:42,503
(SINGING) What's love got to do
499
00:16:42,628 --> 00:16:43,921
Got to do with it?
500
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:45,088
(LAUGHS)
501
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,173
-(LAUGHS)
-All right.
502
00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:47,424
I hear your logic.
503
00:16:47,508 --> 00:16:50,093
-Come on.
-No man wants that,
504
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:53,430
but... you can't quit, either.
505
00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:56,141
You're our last hope.
506
00:16:56,225 --> 00:16:58,769
You're the only one out of the group
507
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,646
who might not go home alone
tonight, Jess.
508
00:17:00,938 --> 00:17:02,314
-Really?
-Yes.
509
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:03,649
It's all on your shoulders.
510
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:05,776
So the sex fist...
511
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:07,736
has...
512
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,280
turned into a sex finger.
513
00:17:10,364 --> 00:17:12,199
-Uh, don't... Yeah.
-Sex finger.
514
00:17:14,493 --> 00:17:16,662
('80S POP MUSIC PLAYING)
515
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,581
Hey. Ted. Um...
516
00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:21,834
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm out of moves, so...
517
00:17:21,917 --> 00:17:23,627
I'm just gonna try being myself.
518
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,212
Here's some stuff about me.
519
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:26,630
I've never cured anything.
520
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,674
I'm a middle school vice principal
521
00:17:28,757 --> 00:17:30,175
and I love my job.
522
00:17:30,259 --> 00:17:31,593
Um, I'm just getting
out of a relationship
523
00:17:31,677 --> 00:17:33,220
with a guy that I still live with,
524
00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:34,888
which is kind of complicated.
525
00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:36,557
He's over there. What's up, Nick?
526
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:37,891
Hi, I'm Nick!
527
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:43,355
Sometimes I cry when newscasters
528
00:17:43,438 --> 00:17:45,190
wish each other
"happy birthday" on air.
529
00:17:45,274 --> 00:17:48,110
My first crush was on a Batman cake,
530
00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:50,946
but my first sexual feelings
were about teenage Simba.
531
00:17:51,697 --> 00:17:53,782
'Cause he was super hot,
532
00:17:53,866 --> 00:17:56,285
and I still, actually, find him hot.
533
00:17:56,368 --> 00:17:57,870
Uh, truth time. Um...
534
00:17:57,953 --> 00:17:59,288
So that's me.
535
00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:01,415
And if you want to
take me home, Ted,
536
00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:04,334
we can definitely do
some no-bra stuff.
537
00:18:05,878 --> 00:18:06,879
Uh...
538
00:18:06,962 --> 00:18:08,422
That's me naked.
539
00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:09,798
Well...
540
00:18:09,882 --> 00:18:11,133
...and this is me with
541
00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:14,011
a guy who I thought was Larry King.
542
00:18:15,470 --> 00:18:16,471
So it's decision time.
543
00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:18,265
Yeah, Ted, who's it gonna be?
544
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,349
Me or Jess?
545
00:18:19,474 --> 00:18:21,602
(SIGHS)
546
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:29,902
Hmm?
547
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:32,696
TED: Ooh...
548
00:18:33,447 --> 00:18:35,032
Wow. Hah.
549
00:18:35,324 --> 00:18:36,742
Ooh...
550
00:18:36,825 --> 00:18:40,162
This is tough.
551
00:18:40,245 --> 00:18:42,080
I mean, okay,
'cause I mean, over here
552
00:18:42,164 --> 00:18:44,708
we've got, you know,
the whole... you know.
553
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,543
And then, but of course over
here we got the... bing,
554
00:18:46,627 --> 00:18:47,628
and the... you know.
555
00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:49,129
Mmm...
556
00:18:49,213 --> 00:18:50,964
(GROANING) Oh, God, what do I do?
557
00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:52,174
What do I do?
558
00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:54,009
-It's over.
-Moment's passed, Ted.
559
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:55,093
Okay.
560
00:18:55,469 --> 00:18:57,346
I'll take him out.
561
00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:00,349
So you and Buster broke up.
562
00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:02,059
Whew. I'm sorry.
563
00:19:04,061 --> 00:19:06,230
Yeah, I'm just waiting
for you to do something weird now.
564
00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:08,524
Yeah, I feel that coming on, so, um...
565
00:19:08,607 --> 00:19:09,650
I'm gonna go.
566
00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:11,777
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
567
00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:14,404
You know what doesn't
whine and cry
568
00:19:14,488 --> 00:19:16,156
is the sperm in my freezer.
569
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:17,741
I am counting down the days
570
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:20,410
until we don't need men to procreate.
571
00:19:20,494 --> 00:19:22,287
If I really put my mind to it...
572
00:19:22,371 --> 00:19:24,039
autumn 2018.
573
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:27,960
Are you ready?
574
00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:29,878
Oh, it's my Plan "B."
575
00:19:30,087 --> 00:19:32,005
Yeah. Beats going home alone.
576
00:19:32,089 --> 00:19:33,757
Just giving her a ride.
577
00:19:33,841 --> 00:19:34,883
Nothing weird.
578
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:37,970
(WHISPERING)
We do this every time.
579
00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:40,806
So, Katherine, uh...
Where do you live?
580
00:19:40,889 --> 00:19:42,933
About two inches north
of your mouth, Padre.
581
00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:44,184
Bye.
582
00:19:44,268 --> 00:19:45,269
Bye.
583
00:19:47,688 --> 00:19:49,189
SCHMIDT: It's okay, Jess.
584
00:19:49,523 --> 00:19:51,149
Sex fist is obviously over.
585
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:52,943
We're all going home alone.
586
00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,112
Well, that's where
you're wrong, Schmidt.
587
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:57,155
We're not going home alone.
588
00:19:58,574 --> 00:19:59,950
-That's great.
-All right.
589
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:01,159
It's like that.
590
00:20:04,288 --> 00:20:06,456
"Regan, Kevin and Rebecca..."
591
00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:07,541
(LAUGHING)
592
00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:09,084
"...request the honor of your presence."
593
00:20:09,168 --> 00:20:11,795
How about the honor of my garbage can?
594
00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:12,880
COACH: Hey!
595
00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:16,133
Stupid fridge people
with their stupid houses...
596
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:17,801
Oh, look at this one, guys.
597
00:20:17,885 --> 00:20:19,428
Uh, it looks like Jeffrey and Lauren
598
00:20:19,511 --> 00:20:21,513
want us to share in their joy.
599
00:20:21,597 --> 00:20:23,473
How about they share
in my chocolate pocket?
600
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:25,392
(LAUGHING) What does that mean?
601
00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,518
In my butt.
602
00:20:26,602 --> 00:20:27,895
-Mmm-mmm.
-JESS: That's gross.
603
00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:29,563
Yeah, I...
604
00:20:29,730 --> 00:20:31,023
(LAUGHING)
605
00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:33,400
-WINSTON: Oh, man...
-How about this one, you guys?
606
00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:35,444
Scott and Derek.
Yeah, real tasteful wedding...
607
00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,029
-for a Thursday!
-NICK: Yeah.
608
00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:39,281
Oh, look at that... Laurie and Mitchell.
609
00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:40,449
They had a cash bar.
610
00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:42,409
I hope they can't have kids!
611
00:20:42,701 --> 00:20:44,161
That's super dark, bro.
612
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:45,454
-That was too far. I hope they can...
-CECE: Yeah!
613
00:20:45,537 --> 00:20:46,830
I hope they can, I hope they can.
614
00:20:46,914 --> 00:20:47,998
Cece and Shivrang... You bastards,
615
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:49,082
take that one down.
616
00:20:49,208 --> 00:20:50,459
You know what? It's gone.
617
00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:51,710
-(WINSTON WHOOPS)
-No...
618
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:53,337
-NICK: Take that one down!
-Oh, yeah.
619
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:54,421
JESS: Wait a minute.
620
00:20:54,505 --> 00:20:55,547
Who are Gabe and Stephanie,
621
00:20:55,631 --> 00:20:56,840
with the profile, these things?
622
00:20:56,924 --> 00:20:58,634
Oh, Gabe's the heavy guy with
the perm and the wheelchair...
623
00:20:58,717 --> 00:20:59,760
No, Gabe was the guy
on the motorcycle...
624
00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:01,094
-No, no, no, no.
-The guy with the perm.
625
00:21:01,178 --> 00:21:02,679
The guy who kept showing
his stomach the whole time.
626
00:21:02,763 --> 00:21:04,515
That's the woman who was
eight and a half months pregnant.
627
00:21:04,598 --> 00:21:05,974
The groom was dressed as the bride...
628
00:21:06,058 --> 00:21:07,059
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, uh...
629
00:21:07,142 --> 00:21:08,143
This wedding's next week.
630
00:21:08,227 --> 00:21:09,228
-What?
-What?
631
00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:11,438
(ALL MUTTERING)
632
00:21:11,522 --> 00:21:13,690
-Not anymore.
-SCHMIDT: Thank you.
633
00:21:13,774 --> 00:21:14,858
(WHOOPING, CHEERING)
634
00:21:14,942 --> 00:21:16,193
Whoa!
635
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:17,569
(ALL LAUGHING)
636
00:21:17,653 --> 00:21:19,279
That's right! I'm taking them all down.
637
00:21:19,363 --> 00:21:20,489
Ripping it up!
638
00:21:20,572 --> 00:21:22,449
(ALL CHATTERING)
639
00:21:22,533 --> 00:21:24,201
-JESS: Oh! Oh!
-Look at that one.
640
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:25,494
Rippin' 'em up.
641
00:21:25,577 --> 00:21:26,912
(WINSTON WHOOPING)
642
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:28,789
-Rip.
-Oh, right there.
643
00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:30,123
Yes.
644
00:21:30,207 --> 00:21:31,667
COACH: Mmm...
645
00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:36,463
(LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT,
OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION)
45092
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