Original subtitles

Previously on SurrealEstate.

- August Ripley. - Rochelle Decker.

I get these things.

I can't hear them anymore, I can't see them.

But I know them.

You know, I always liked you, Zooey.

She's one of us.

One of us. One of us.

I heard about the day you left the church.

The organization wasn't meeting my needs.

Dear Luke, please consider this

my resignation from the Roman Agency.

Effective immediately.

Susan Ireland.

Hasan!

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -

Mina, Tarik,

I can't give you a guaranteed sale date or price.

Nobody can. The market is a living, breathing thing.

So, what was that number you gave us five minutes ago?

That is a listing price that I think will put us

in a very positive position. I suspect we'll get

several offers above that, but, well, wait and see.

So,

is there anything else that I need to know?

- Mmm. No. - Mmm. No. Nothing. No.

- No, I-I-I don't... - Sounds great.

I don't think so, no.

These older houses often have, uh,

features and quirks that could impact

the potential sales price and days on market.

Now, if this is the case,

we are very good at managing these things,

but now is the time to tell us.

Did you tell him about the antichrist next door?

- Daria. - He needs to know.

The Masseys.

Our neighbors from hell.

Unreasonable neighbors aren't that...

unusual.

Unreasonable?

They've been a problem since we moved in.

We've tried to be good neighbors.

Ask anyone else on the block.

- But with the Masseys? - If they find out we're selling,

they'll try to sabotage us.

Badmouth us. Scare away the buyers.

Who wants to live next to murderous psychopaths?

We generally try and keep those bullet points

out of the marketing materials.

What can we do?

Well, generally, I like to head off the problem

by reaching out first; Create goodwill.

Goodwill? Good luck.

You'd be surprised what a properly deployed muffin basket

can achieve. Now, are you done with this?

Nice landscaping.

Least they keep the property up.

That's what they always say about axe murderers:

"Gee, what a surprise.

They took such good care of their yard."

Hm.

Hey!

Nice greenery.

Aren't they?

So, should be an easy one. A normie.

Hm. Just like Susan suggested.

We've always welcomed every client,

regardless of their degree of metaphysical engagement,

so the Hasans should be pretty simple.

Open, show, closing.

But their neighbors have got them really spooked.

Perhaps it's just bad chemistry.

Maybe, but, Phil, when you do the HCP at the Hasan house...

I'll check the Massey place, too.

Maybe they're just too alike?

I mean, suburbia rots everyone's brain sooner or later.

The Hasans have lived there for eight years.

They never had problems with anyone else, or so they say.

August, I want you in there sooner than later.

Hasans don't seem like the type to make this up, but...

There was a fascinating study done on Norwegian rats

... living in close proximity...

Tarik? We were just talking about you.

What?

Okay...

you're gonna have to believe us now.

I can't believe a normal person would...

Go all Ozzy Osbourne and then drop it on our doorstep?

I told you, these people are sick.

I can't take this anymore.

You don't have to.

Tarik, this really isn't the time

to get into an altercation with these people.

Massey!

Massey, you cowardly pile of puke!

Come out and face me! Massey!

And don't just send out your freakishly tall wife

to fight your battles! I want a piece of you!

Man, dial it down a little.

What'd you say about my wife?

I don't think that he meant anything.

She's tall! Freakishly tall!

Abnormally tall!

- You take that back. - Or what?

You gonna unleash Slenderwoman on me?

I'm gonna do some unleashing, all right.

What kind of a sicko

rips the head off a bird and puts it on someone's porch?

The kind of sicko who's tired of getting

a midnight suntan, that's who!

- My porch light, my rules! - Tariq, put down the rock.

My dog! Your ass! How about that?

- Mr. Massey, put down the dog. - Whoa-ho-ho.

And a shadow covers the land as the 50-foot woman attacks.

Eat a heaping bowl of shit, Hasan!

You bird dismemberer!

- You're insane! - You're a sociopath!

- You're neighbors! - Come get your bird, Massey.

Okay. Go get 'em, Buttercup!

- Go on! - No!

Hope he saved me a drumstick.

Hm.

The irony is I'm only five-nine.

In heels.

You always had this kind of, um...

tension between you?

Tension? They made our lives

a living hell ever since we moved in.

- Thought you were here first? - Oh!

Look. Look at the things they do.

It's a little hard to make out.

Yeah, that's because of their goddam porchlight.

Thing's gotta be like a 100 jillion lumens.

It shines right into our bedroom all night.

Well, did you talk to them about it?

Yeah. They suggested something involving a place

where the sun doesn't shine. It was hurtful.

Yeah, that's not even the worst of it.

Here, look at this.

- Does that say... ? - Yeah!

- The 'f word'. - Son of a bitch

snuck onto our property at night and wrote it in huge letters

with a fertilizer spreader on our front lawn.

We had to mow every few days to keep it from growing taller

and corrupting young people.

Well, you did pin a note to their door with a knife.

Have you seen their hedges?

They look like the lead singer from...

- What's the name of that band? - The Melvins.

The Melvins! And they refuse to trim 'em!

You know how something like that can affect property values!

Okay.

Look, you seem okay for a real estate guy.

And if you sell the house, we'll be glad to see them go.

But... there's no goddamn way

that we are gonna help them do anything.

You mark my words:

If we ever turn up dead and headless, bleeding out

on the porch like that poor bird Buttercup got hold of,

you'll know the Hasans did it.

Well,

meanwhile, enjoy the muffins.

Quitting? Already?

Well, you've only been a real estate agent

for a few days.

You closed the Dunn-Herberts when no one else could.

Yeah. And then I went home and took a 45-minute shower

to wash off the filmy residue of capitalism.

It's called growing up.

No, this was called selling out.

And I just don't think that it's right for me.

But I also don't want to let Luke down either.

It's fine to wander when you're young.

Noble, even.

But one must eventually choose a path

and follow it to the end

because old wanderers lack direction, purpose.

And they often pee outdoors.

Ew.

Hi. May I help you?

Oh, I'm-I'm looking for Phil Orley.

May I say who is here?

Philly can't possibly be

important enough to merit this level of screening.

Oh, Philly.

Hey, Philly. Que pasa?

Abby!

Wh-what are you doing here? Is everything okay?

Everything's fine. I was just about to

submit a blood sample to your secretary here.

It's not too late.

This is Zooey, our newest agent.

Zooey, my big sister, Abby.

- Charmed. - Mm.

Okay, come on.

So, Abs, not that this isn't a treat, but what's up?

I was in town and wondered

if you and Anthony were free for dinner.

In town for what?

To take you and Anthony for dinner.

I was taking care of some paperwork

from mom and dad's estate... you're welcome...

and thought what a great excuse to visit

my third-favorite little brother.

Play your cards right and that

second-favorite slot might even open up.

Okay, well, I'll have to check with Anthony. He's really busy...

How 'bout that place we all went to last Christmas?

- Fremonts? - Fremonts. Tomorrow night? 7:00?

Abby, I've got a ton of work on my plate right now. I don't...

I know you're so busy and important.

Let's make it 7:30.

Give this a quick look. We'll talk at dinner.

Bye.

My big sister, ladies and gentlemen.

- Yeah, I'm not sure I like her. - Oh, me neither.

Luke wanted you to call him, by the way.

Okay.

Philly.

I hate to say it, but the records look clean.

Property line has stayed the same since it was farmland.

Well, how long have they been there?

That's gonna take a deeper dive.

Farm bureau records, folklore, anecdotals...

Well, these houses have been here a while.

See if you can track down who lived here before.

- I love a challenge. - Hm.

Good news is it's a great house at a reasonable price point.

The buyers should be lined up.

I think we know the bad news already.

They live next door.

Honestly, I have to tell you,

I spoke with them and they were...

- Don't say it! - Reasonable. Even nice.

You were here!

Did you not see the decapitated bird?

They told me their dog did that.

And you believed them?

Honestly, I don't know who to believe.

You did some kind of extreme stuff to them, too.

He showed you the lawn.

You're not exactly innocents here.

Then maybe we need to find new representation.

- Mm-hm. - You'd fire us?

Wow, that is wildly unprecedented

and certainly your prerogative, but my solution

would be to sell your house as quickly as possible

for the most amount of money possible

and put some space between you and the Masseys

before you develop a nuclear program.

We have that block party coming up.

A lot of people come to that.

Great! Everybody loves a block party.

Gives people a real chance to get a feel for the neighborhood,

see how well everybody gets along.

If it'll get us out of here faster,

we'll fake it.

That is all I want to hear!

Look, you don't need to love them.

Just don't attack them for a while.

We'll try.

And maybe turn off that porch light

that burns like a thousand suns?

We'll see.

There you go. Peace in our time.

Your greatest advantage is that you live

in a highly desirable neighborhood

and no other inventory is available here.

You get to set the market and...

This means war.

I really appreciate you coming in, Mr. Flynn.

Oh, my office is just around the corner.

Great. So, you used to live at 4 Sotherfield Lane, right?

Next door to Rowan and Renata Massey?

Ohh... They were the worst.

- How so? - Arguments.

Noisy. Nasty.

All the time... endless.

About what?

You know, neighbor stuff.

Anything specific?

They killed my cat!

- Excuse me? - They put out a bowl of

antifreeze and poisoned my cat!

- That's dark. - Weird.

I forgot it until just now.

- Hey. - Yeah?

You work for Rita.

I'm her assistant.

Hm.

Hey! You never mentioned you were thinking about selling.

Oh, we been thinking about it for a while.

You know, we got the nicer house

and we're empirically better people,

so why let them set the market, you know?

Luke! So nice to see you.

I'm afraid this house is a...

tiny bit out of your price range,

but maybe we can help you find a nice haunted amusement park,

or something.

- Can I have a word? - Hm.

Look who's over there.

Listen, Rita, there is something going on

between these neighbors.

A little friction between neighbors?

Happens all the time.

You piece of crap!

You had to horn in on our actions!

We have every right to expose it to the open market,

- just the same as you! - Swear to God, you better not...

That cow meant everything to us and you took her for your own!

The cow wandered onto our land!

You were trying to claim him!

... whole crop of sorghum!

We will have nothing for the rest of the season.

- Don't dare tell me what to do! - I'll bite them off your hand!

- Tarik! - I've had enough of you, buddy!

Tarik!

Remember what we talked about?

Back in the house.

- This isn't over! Swear to God! - No, it's not over,

because you're not lying in a pool of blood!

- Hey! - Not yet! Not yet!

No, come on!

So, a little friction, you say?

Did you hear what they were screaming about?

Uh, I dunno. Something about a cow?

Hey. I got your text. I'm working tonight so...

You are not gonna believe this.

It's Abigail. I might.

This is an affidavit of posthumous variation,

which is a precursor to post-probate allocation,

- which means... - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Start at the beginning.

My parents were super involved in our parish church,

my whole life. You know this.

So they always told us, "When we're gone,

everything's split between you kids except for

this one piece of land. That's for the church."

Like, to build a church, or... ?

Who cares? It's a couple acres of dirt and weeds

that I don't think Jesus could find

without the GPS coordinates.

- And yet? - And yet,

when my mom passed it never came up.

I just assumed that it was specified in the will

and then handed over.

Apparently not.

It's gone to us kids with the rest of the estate.

So, it's ours now?

Our summer place to graze the ponies

and let the corgis run free?

Abigail says that we should donate it to the church now.

That's what these forms are for.

See, you know,

that's what kills me about Abigail!

She doesn't have the decency to forge my name

and do this deal quietly. No!

She has to ambush me and-and-and

knowing perfectly well that, given enough time,

not only am I going to say no, but hell, no.

Your relationship with your sister is... complicated.

She was always the favorite, the-the good one.

It took a big gesture of me becoming a priest to pull ahead.

Sort of a Hail Mary.

Do you want to keep the land?

No. I mean...

What-what would we do with it?

That's not-that's not the point! The...

The point is... she's asking me.

Me!

To give something that... with a not-insignificant

dollar value to the church.

The same church that chose to model

the tolerant ministry of Christ by tossing me out the narthex!

I'm not good enough, but my inheritance is? No! No.

Okay, great, simple.

- Simple? - Just tell Abby

what you just told me.

Yes.

No.

Hell, no.

Hell, no.

Now that is marketing.

Oh, yeah. Kids at a grade-school rager

are known for their brand loyalty.

I'm going to mingle.

Hey.

I'm Alvin.

I-I work for Rita Weiss.

Oh. Thoughts and prayers, Alvin.

You're with Roman, right?

- Mm-hm. - What's that like?

It's okay. Most of the time.

I ask because I hear things.

What kind of things?

Like,

you made a pact with the devil that so you could move people

into different houses so that he could eat their souls.

Oh...

Yeah, yeah. I can confirm that.

Oh!

- You had me there. - Did I?

- Well, I better get back. - Gotta make sure

nobody gets in there with, you know, sharp objects.

We'll lose the deposit. Yeah-ha. Yeah.

Thank you for your service.

Wish you'd thought of it, right?

Yeah! The next pre-qualified toddlers to come by are yours.

Listen, we talked to some of the people who lived

in these houses before the Hasans and Masseys.

- And? - Let's just say

there's a history of violence.

We need to close these places before they murder each other.

This is a great idea.

There you go.

- Hi. - Oh!

Here we go!

- Oops. - Oh!

Oh!

Tariq! Rowan!

Ah!

Ahh!

No.

Ahh!

Ah, ah!

Stay!

- Hey, are you okay? - I am.

But this is getting out of control.

Well, this is a mess.

Where's that useless assistant of mine?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Alvin bounced.

Well, guess who's picking up her own dry cleaning

for the rest of the week.

He got knifed, Rita...

and you don't even care!

This has gone too far.

- Oh, relax. - Nobody's pressing any charges.

A stitch here, a tetanus shot there.

No, we are gonna get on top of this thing.

I'm gonna do a deep dive into the Hasans

and I need your go ahead to do the same at the Masseys.

Your people in my listing?

We're never going to sell these places until we settle this.

From a pure greed perspective, can't see how you can refuse.

Well, when you put it that way.

No area in the home is particularly active?

I mean, it's mostly around that side,

closest to them.

Any odd sounds at night?

No. Well, rats.

- Rats? - The Masseys throw dinner scraps

into our yard almost every night.

That brought raccoons. And then the rats came.

That's despicable.

It was his first gig as altar boy.

- Mm. - And the cassock was

a little too long.

- Oh. - Ethan tripped.

- Mm. - Whoow!

Body of Christ all over the place.

He was devastated.

He was so worried Jesus would be mad at him.

I know that feeling.

Oh, he reminds me so much of you at that age.

So innocent.

Mm.

Ruggedly handsome, just like his uncle.

Yeah.

- He's a good boy. - Yeah.

Obeys his parents.

And so we segue gracefully into the business of the day.

You knew mom wanted to give that land to the church.

How could I not?

Every festive dinner over the last four years of her life

included a dry run of mother's post-mortem wish list.

And she wondered why the desserts weren't moving.

But here's the thing, Abs...

back then it was...

it was abstract.

And back then you were a priest.

Yeah.

O-okay, sure, but...

Now? Now it's real.

And now you're a gay guy who sells real estate.

Yeah, and I feel pretty good about both, if it matters.

- Yeah, it matters. - Of course it matters a lot.

But while your world has turned,

like, a thousand times, Mom's hasn't.

Dying will do that to a person.

It's a shitty two acres of nothing.

Why do you even care?

I care because you made it personal.

Before it was something that just happened, like...

February, or rickets, or the playoffs

and all I could say was, "Well, that happened."

But now you're making me sign off on it.

Endorse it. And it pisses me off!

Do you have any idea how much you hurt her...

- Oh. - ... when you left the church?

Every time one of her friends asked about

her son, the priest... she had to correct them.

- Yeah. She didn't have to. - Yes she did. Phil...

Come on! You knew mom.

She did...

and her heart broke.

Yeah.

I know that feeling, too.

Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.

You know what? Let's just try it back over by the shelves again.

You know, I find myself envying Alvin

and his reliable morphine drip.

Ooh, you're a smart one.

Yeah, I'm a genius.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You recognize the ultimate futility of it all.

The trick is to identify what we can change

and what we can't. We can move a coffee table.

We can't force a lender

to prequalify a buyer with insufficient income.

Not legally, anyway.

Okay, you're starting to scare me a little.

That's real estate, kitten.

Oh, Renata! Hi!

Hi. Are you Alvin's replacement?

- God, I hope not. - Uh, Zooey's, um...

a special consultant here to evaluate the property.

Yeah, I saw your R-rated lawn outside.

God, the Hasans make it so difficult.

See here!

Double-glazed windows.

The Hasans play their music from midnight to six AM.

They even put subwoofers on the ground to shake the walls.

- They're evil people. - What kind of music?

Show tunes; '80s TV themes;

Hall. And. Oates.

Monsters.

Two o'clock in the morning and I need to be reminded

that my kiss is on their list?

Why do we even have prisons?

- Just sign it. - No.

Just no. Emphatically no.

This land thing was their choice,

not yours.

You can leave your property to whoever you want!

The Humane Society, Doctors Without Borders,

the Broadway League Foundation.

Leave Anthony out of this, please.

If they wanted it so badly,

why did they forget to have it in the will?

This is what they wanted. Does that mean nothing to you?

Clearly it means more to you.

Perfect Abby.

Always does what makes mommy happy.

Never rocks the boat.

You broke their hearts.

You left the priesthood. You married a...

A-a wonderful guy who I personally love

and knows every lyric Stephen Sondheim ever wrote.

And, still, you were their favorite.

Mm-hm.

You won.

My third-favorite little brother.

You went against everything they ever taught us,

everything they ever dreamed...

and, in the end, they loved you more, anyway.

Yay for you, Philly.

You won.

You know what?

Sign the papers, or don't.

You can let me know by mail.

You're the boss, Luke, as always.

But there is no sign of anything psychokinetic,

only evil.

So, your instruments are telling you...

My sense of common decency tells me the Masseys

should be sealed in a bell jar and studied!

Hey, Zooey, what did you...

Those people are animals!

So, we agree.

I don't think it's enough for the Hasans

to just be cast into the pit of hell.

The Hasans?

We should set them on fire first!

The Hasans? Innocent victims

of the Masseys' sick, raccoon-based perversions?

No one should be told at two o'clock in the morning

that their kiss is on someone's list. Without consent!

You're insane.

Oh! You're bald!

You wear unnecessary metal in your nose.

- Okay. - Okay, before we say something...

- Oh, farmer boy! - Needy girl!

Needy? You're slipping, August!

Why only use two syllables when six will do?

You're a quitter! You've only been a real estate agent

for a few days and already you want out!

Your father should have taught you better.

Oh, wait, you never really had a...

Oh!

August, I am so sorry!

Zooey...

You mean the world to me and I cannot believe...

I'm so sorry!

Are you guys okay?

How long were you inside those houses?

- Less than three hours. - Four hours.

But it isn't enough just to be inside the house.

You need to confront someone

who was recently inside the other house.

That is when the fireworks start.

So, what? It-it'll never end?

People write songs and sonnets about everlasting love.

But for true staying power...

hate takes the taco.

A cow.

Damn cow.

I hope you're right.

Phil... make it fast.

I'm minutes away.

It's on, alright.

Bring it! Bring it on!

Don't do this! Don't do this!

Ambrose! Parker!

It's not their fault! It's a curse... a blood feud.

Listen! Listen!

Back a 100 years ago, this was all farmland.

Property line in the exact same place.

Parker had cows.

Ambrose grew sorghum. Everybody got along.

One day one of Parker's cows got into Ambrose's crops.

Ambrose tied him up

intending to return him by nightfall,

but things got busy and he forgot.

Well, Parker saw that Ambrose had one of his cows

and got mad as hell.

The two men came to blows but the families split 'em up

and sent the sons out the next day to build a fence.

These were hotheaded farm boys

and they started fighting.

First with words, then with knives.

Shovels. Axes.

It turned into a slaughter.

They say the blood ran into the postholes.

From that day on...

families on either side of that fence...

hated each other.

Ready?

Yo. Philly.

What are you doing here?

The clock radio in my hotel room

woke me up this morning

and was playing a Judas Priest song.

And I thought of you.

You know, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that, Abs.

I realized

how you must have felt about the church.

Whatever you decide about the land thing, just...

send me the paperwork and I'll deal with it.

Or not.

Okay. That's it.

Tell Ethan that...

Jesus doesn't mind when you spill his body,

but if you spill his blood,

mix three parts hydrogen peroxide

to one part dish soap. It gets the stains right out.

Hm.

You are a good uncle.

Second favorite brother.

Hey.

Luke! It's perfect.

Tarik was just saying now that the fence is gone,

we can have full-sun hibiscus running all the way down.

I'm so glad to talk plants with someone. Mina's hopeless.

So's Rowan.

What a tragic waste of time.

The Masseys just told me they're no longer selling.

Yeah, the Hasans feel the same way.

Poor Alvin. He nearly bounced into eternity and...

- died in vain. - Hm.

Just out of curiosity,

what do you think happens when we die?

I have no idea.

But it probably affects your credit scores.

No? Hell, no?

No.

Hell, yes.

I signed the damn papers over.

Our ancestral land is going to be a vacation bible school,

or a... popemobile parking lot,

or a place where they train Jesuits to fight in the octagon.

Better get a nice fruit basket from the Vatican.

Oh, honey.

Just wasn't worth the fight, you know?

You're a good person.

Mm. Not really.

But thank you.

Oh, any word from the adoption people?

You gotta know,

as much as you want this baby... and I do, too, we both do,

don't get me wrong...

please don't feel like we need a baby to be a family.

Yeah, I know. I-it's just...

Hey...

You and I...

we're a better family than most people will ever find.

Come here.

We can always get a dog.

- Good night, Zooey. - Good night, Augie.

Hey.

What August said earlier: Is it true?

Yes.

The metal in my nose is unnecessary.

The other thing.

About quitting?

Not being an agent?

I...

I hate your job.

All of it!

The arguments with stupid people who think they're smart.

Rita Weiss being my best friend...

the whole thing.

But you're good at it.

Yeah, well, I'm good at karaoke, too!

Doesn't mean I want to do it for a living.

Look, I...

I don't know what my thing is.

Maybe I'll never find my thing,

but I am absolutely sure that this thing

is not my thing.

I'm really sorry.

You haven't heard from, uh... Susan?

No.

Hi! You've reached Susan Ireland.

I'm on a bit of a sabbatical right now,

so if you need immediate assistance,

press one. Otherwise, leave me a message

and roll the dice! Drink the wine!

Because life is a mystery

and the sun is only a morning star!

Damn it, Susan. What do you want me to say?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you made it so easy

to laugh at your process, at your color-coded paperclips.

I am sorry that you did it so effortlessly

that I forgot how good you really are.

I'm sorry that this place just doesn't seem to run

as good without you.

And, most of all, I am sorry that I am saying it

to this credenza instead of your face.

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -