All language subtitles for Camping Cosmos (Jean Bucquoy, B 1996).1 ENG

Who do you think
you're looking at?

"At Camp Cosmos, on the
Belgian coast, an experiment

in cultural activities
in a working-class environment.

This is the subjective
but accurate account, based on

the inner experience of
the culture-leisure-tourism group."

Ah, good morning!

Here you are.

Radio Cosmos, good morning!

A heavy programme
on this third day

of cultural reanimation at Cosmos.

On the beach,
Arno, our swimming instructor

with an initiation to the kamasutra.

Today, painless delivery.

On the podium, Jan Bucquoy,

our revered
cultural activities leader

is organizing the open workshop
for the little ones.

Ah! But I also see
our camp manager,

Mr Vandeputte himself,
who looks, I must say,

really very interested
by today's subject.

Naked love on stage.

Kiddies, bring your parents along!

From now on, I want a detailed
programme of all cultural activities.

I've had it. I'm clearing off!!
That's right!

And that way I'll have the pleasure
of telling Mr Calonne myself!

Give it a rest, Vandeputte!

Calonne, I've had enough of
that idiot Vandeputte. I'm leaving.

Listen, don't be a fool.

Look at me, an average poet.

And bit by bit,
I've made my niche.

Cultural attaché to the Minister,
and three months to go until retirement.

I'm thinking of you as my replacement.

This Vandeputte is very well
thought of in Brussels:

he has a brother in the Ministry.

Work with him.

His ideas aren't so bad.
Let him do things his way.

After all, it's a holiday camp here,
not the Royal Shakespeare Company.

Hula Hoop!
One, two, three!

And what about me, then?

You? Have you seen
how you're letting yourself go?

I'd like to have a look once
at a pretty girl with nice long legs.

WOMEN ARE AS MYSTERlOUS
AS COWS

You alright?
Can I give you a hand?

He's doing no harm.

Carry on like that and I'll smash
your face in, understood?

Louis, that's enough now.

He's got no business here,
it's my place.

It's my place as well.

I've had enough
of him hanging around you!

That's right, dear oh dear!

I don't want to brag but it is very,
very nice weather this afternoon,

to celebrate the arrival of our great
national writer, Pierre Mertens,

who will lead our poetry mornings
to the great pleasure of the campers.

Good morning, Marléne.

No Pierre?

He's not far away, you know.

Ah yes, I can see him.

Good morning, Pierre.

Did you have a good journey?

Not at all.

We've been kept standing about
for the last twenty minutes.

Yes and what's more,
you were late, Jan.

Between Knokke and Westende,
the tram took more than an hour.

Oh, what an expedition!

Fortunately, he recited Pierre Mertens
during the whole journey.

Lucky it wasn't Joyce.

Ah, but Joyce was homosexual.

But Marléne, what has that
got to do with it?

Even if any work is always
autobiographical.

It's the blessing and the curse
of all great writers

to have their life
overshadow their work

in the mind of the reader.

Artaud's madness,

Lautreamont's mystery,

Rimbaud's silence

are more and more readily hidden
by what might be called

their historical decorum.

The anecdote comes to the fore...

Ah, Mr Mertens, it gives me
special pleasure to welcome you!

This is a fine start!
Bertolt with a "d".

La Mére Courage.

For that you'll have to see Bucquoy,
the cultural leader.

I've read almost all your work.

Let me introduce myself:
Gerard Vandeputte,

manager of Cosmos, if I may say so.

And how does the theatre
go down in the camp?

You know, when you talk
about revolution, people, well...

Ah, the revolution, as Magritte said,

I'm quoting from memory,

"It's a human reflex which
it is not necessary to justify

with reasons
of doubtful intelligence".

If you'd like to follow me, I'll go in front.
I'll show you your residence.

André Breton also said:

"Rebellion finds its own justification
within itself".

Regardless of...

But careful,
man must not be forgotten.

Ah, there are two sorts of men,
as Marguerite Yourcenar pointed out.

"The Book of Pleasures"
by Raoul Vaneigem

What a pretty doll!

Is she your little girl?
- Yes.

Tell me, your little girl,
has she got a pair of panties?

What colour?
- Red.

Listen, if I give you a lollipop,

can I have the panties in exchange?

Really?

Show me, show me.

BERTOLT BRECHT
An Autobiography

Poor folk got to have courage.

Why, they're lost.

Simply getting up in the morning
takes some doing in their situation.

Or ploughing a field,
and in a war at that.

Mere fact that they bring kids
into the world shows they've got courage,

cause there's no hope for them.

They have to hang one another
and slaughter one another,

so just looking each other
in the face

must call for courage!

Mother Courage
by Bertolt Brecht.

Isabelle Legros.

First of all, good evening.

Well, let's begin the debate.
Are there any questions?

Alright, I'll open the debate

by saying that what the theatre needs,
is dialectical materialism.

Society needs to be...

That's theatre for you!

Chewing gum?

No, a condom.

Can't we do it without?

But you have to watch out
for diseases, you know.

Is a new thing.

There was a man,
he once made love with a gorilla.

Really really. Terribly deadly.

OK, for 30L we do it without.
- No, 31L.

You don't like it or what?

Come on, let's go.

I've got to tell you,
I'll have to go on top

because I've got a problem
with women.

It's just that I vomit when I come.

Well, in that case
it's 32.

You want a plastic bag?

Like in a plane? No.

Wait...
What about the dog?

She's not jealous.

Ok, let's get on with it.

CANCELLED

Oh, what a pity!
Me, I liked Mother Courage.

Yes, but the people didn't.

Oh, that's not new.
The idiots always win.

Come on, Willy. It's your father
who's going to be pleased.

People couldn't understand anything.
It's completely hermetic.

The people has no basic knowledge.

That's why I've come to the camp,
to give them that knowledge.

But that's no knowledge. Even l
have a hard time understanding you.

Yes, but you...

You've got no idea about actors
or the theatre.

All that interests you
is Calonne's job.

You're pathetic!

And in bed, you're no better at all.

If I'm wanted,
I'm in my sister's caravan.

JUST LlKE HER MOTHER
17 July

Listen, you disappear, no news,
not a phone call, nothing.

Not one letter in three weeks.
I was going completely crazy.

Even your father was worried.
Even him.

In any case, next time,
I won't come and get you.

Is that clear?
- Yes, mum.

I just hope this will be
a lesson to you.

You're not coming then?

No, I really don't want
to see your father.

He'll just have to cope
on his own for once.

See you soon.

You're still listening

to Radio Cosmos.

Why do the French like
Belgian jokes so much?

Because they're the only ones
they understand!

Here's one to top the lot.

"lf prisons frighten you,
take courage,

all you need to do is burn them down
to recover your freedom.

Workers, destroy the machines
and burn the factories!"

Shall we have another go?

A special offer from Radio Cosmos.

For fifty pounds,

the Ministry of Culture
and Tefal frying pans

offer a trip to Paris for two,

with arrival directly transmitted
of the Tour de France,

followed by a guided tour
of the Louvre.

On the 9th, at 11 am,

Mrs Janssens will do
whatever you like in her caravan

for only 32 pounds!

And here we have
this summer's favourite,

the number one in the charts!

So you've just arrived?

Yes, I've come to see my father.

Who's he?

"The princess, greatly moved,
joyful and in love,

gave him her hand
and proclaimed him her prince.

And everyone,
proud of this victorious hero,

applauded and
acclaimed him loudly."

Jan Bucquoy, the cultural activities
leader. He's a nice guy.

Oh yeah, he's a nice guy,
very nice.

Who sees his kids
when it suits him,

and when he's had enough,
we're back with our mother.

There are loads of fathers
like that now. Me, it's my mother.

And?
- And nothing.

How long are you staying?

Until the end of the holidays.

You like sport?

Sport?
No, not a bit.

Hi!
Isn't your mother there?

Here, this is Noé,
he's the manager's son.

A genius.
Listen, for example.

Noé, Merckx in 1970.
How many stages in the Tour de France?

Seven.

And at the Alpe-d'Huez,
what was his lead?

Still for 1970?

18 minutes, 23 seconds.

Yes, well done. Go and play!

How are you?

Do you want something to drink?
You hungry?

I'm fine.
I'm not a child anymore.

You know, I was really worried.

Do you want to talk about it?

I've had enough of organizing
these stupid games.

But it's your daughter.
Had enough of school, have we?

You can tell you've never had kids!

Remember, Jan...

To be a student is to know
the menopause of the spirit.

All that happens at school

will be condemned
in a future revolutionary society

as so much antisocial noise.
- Alright.

Anyway, it's what your father
used to say before you were born.

Haven't you grown!
You must be thirteen now?

Thirteen and a half.

Just like her mother, eh?

You only ever think of yourself,
you're full of tics.

You spend money like water.

And as far as you-know-what goes,

I just don't know what to do next.
I've tried everything.

I mean, you can't cook,

you can't sew on a button...

You're a pain in the arse.

And if I've let all these twits come
and do their rubbish,

it's for you, to amuse you.

So you can meet other people.

And what do I get in return?

Were you saying something,
darling?

No, no, nothing.

I thought I'd heard something.
- I was thinking aloud.

From Louis Scutenaire:
The Necklace.

"From head to toe
My suff!ering body

From the morning
From childhood

My frame of misery
Walls of pierced stone

When there was fish
We ate the heads

Sunday stew with all the fat

The leftovers of the roast

Minced and served
With stale bread

Even the bacon rind was used"

WORLD SOCCER CHAMPlONSHlP
MEXlCO - 1986

USSR - BELGlUM

What's happened
to our generation?

At fifteen
we were all rockers,

at eighteen maoists
and then anarchists or...

Trotskyists.
- Autonomous.

Me, for example,
I was married at 22.

Divorced at 25 with kids.

Leave off! about your life, will you?

Afterwards,
I tried living in a commune,

to end up doing stupid little jobs
to earn a living.

To end up executive manager,
just like the others.

At the Ministry of Culture with
Socialist Party card in the pocket.

Not because we still believe in socialism
but rather because we don't.

A century of the revolutionary party
to wind up like this.

It's enough to make you
shoot yourself.

For you then,
the vote has no meaning?

Christ, bloody hell,
it's just the opposite!

What are we left with when faced
with injustice and oppression?

What gives us the strength to struggle?
It's precisely rebellion!

Exactly, yes! I'm doing a play
on that very subject.

The impact of working-class rebellion
on the population.

Oh, you and your theatre.

I remain convinced
that theatre can change life.

No, it's life that
must change theatre.

My production of Mother Courage,
for example, confronted...

My next play, my production!

Come on, Jan, at the premiére,
there were seven people!

Don't you think it's time
to change your tune?

You haven't seen Mr Vandeputte?
The toilets are blocked up again!

Mrs Janssens,
I've come to speak to you

about your behaviour in the camp,
which is completely...

unacceptable.

Oh, Mrs Janssens...

Come on, just look at us.

We've abandoned the revolution
to go in for art

and as art is diff!icult,
we do cultural activities.

And cultural activities,
the public doesn't give a shit!

But it's not true, Claude!

Without the giant-size screen,
the soccer, there'd be no one!

We've been boring them stiff!
for a month now.

What are we going to do
after Camp Cosmos? Well?

Homes for the aged,
for retired sailors, for prostitutes?

They don't give a shit about our
intellectual activities and they're right!

Look Claude, you just carry on.
Apart from having fun

with your songs which don't interest
anyone, what about you?

Any tartare sauce left?

When will you give over counting
good marks for revolutionary eff!iciency?

You need to admit that
you're frightened of dynamite!

If you were ready to really go for it
with no ulterior motives...

Yeah! Belgium's scored!

You see?
Capitalism has won yet again!

Fucking hell,
we should get rid of them all!

I want to make love with you.

Politically, you're
a petit bourgeois opportunist,

and secondly, physically,
you make me sick.

Understood?

I'd rather go looking at the soccer
with the others.

Enjoy your chips!

THE FUNCTlON OF THE ORGASM
21 July

Well?

Well nothing.
You should have used the bottle.

I've brought you a book.

The Function of the Orgasm
by Wilhelm Reich

With a pipette, drop by drop,

you take the mixture

and you pour it
on the glycerine.

That's where the word nitroglycerine
comes from. There.

What's important is never to have
a diff!erence of temperature

of more than 15° centigrade,
so 15° Celsius.

Otherwise, what happens?

That's good, Willy.

Any questions?

Good, on to the second part
of the operation.

Second part:
how to prepare an attack.

First, 60% beef fat,

that's to say,
the fat from beef kidneys.

Then, 30% lard, bacon lard

and 10% horse lard.

Pass the margarine.

Isn't there any butter
for a change?

If you have an arse,
two breasts,

Mr Vandeputte needs you
for his Miss Cosmos contest!

Registration opens this evening.

Next.

Can I still register?
- Of course.

Giséle Vandemoortele.

It's my maiden name, because
my husband doesn't know about this.

I've also put my name down
for the singing contest.

Because as I've got a nice voice,
I thought that maybe...

Hallo, I've come...

Don't! You'll look ridiculous!
- No, I won't.

Hey, are you coming?

Customers are waiting!

Louis, leave her alone.
If she wants to...

Let me tell you something.
- I warned you.

We don't give a fuck about this business.
This is why she's like this.

I've had enough of chips,
of this smell and of you!

You're forgetting
they put the food on the table!

Come, let's not argue, alright?
Your chips are the best on the coast.

People come from Blankenberghe
and La Panne to enjoy them.

I can tell you one thing:
if you try this again next year,

I'm off! to Camp Queen Elizabeth.

You wouldn't do that to me.

Shit! I wanna have some fun!

Life?
It's not made to have fun.

Do you think I enjoy making chips?

I wanted to make pizzas.
But the Belgians...

Alright, get on with it because
the customers will soon be there.

Well?
- Well nothing.

OVERCAST, BRlGHT PERlODS AND SHOWERS
28 July

I was born to die

To dry up, to rot

To feed the maggots

And my animal friends

The beetles, the snails

The moles, the eels, the crows

The worms, the ants, the toads

The flies,
Our friends the badgers...

You are listening to Radio Cosmos...

International.

It's the story of a pair of newly-weds
on their wedding night.

And the man says to his wife:

"Am I the first one to ask you
to sleep with me?"

And she replies:

"Oh yes, the others never
asked at all."

That's not very funny.

Have you ever kissed a boy?

There's the sky

The sun and the sea

There's the sky

The sun and the sea

Lying on the beach

Hair in the eyes

And the nose in the sand

We're fine together

It's summer, the holidays

Oh God, what luck

There's the sky

The sun and the sea

There's the sky

The sun and the sea

My cabin's made of wood

And the bed is small...

Ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to Radio Cosmos

special afternoon

singing contest!

The first candidate,

our friend the postman
who's going to sing

IT'S LESS OF A CRlME TO ROB A BANK
THAN TO FOUND ONE

Thank you very much!
Next!

"l love, I love life"
from our friend Sophie!

Bye bye, sweetie.

Hallo, postman.
- Hallo.

Come on in, sweetie.

You're cheating on me, that's sure.
And it's been going on for years!

So I want the names, a list.

You're really sickening.

I'm warning you, if there's the slightest
trace of one of these stupidities

on any of my caravans, it's going
to cost the Ministry of Culture!

Don't fret, Mr Vandeputte,
it's 100% biodegradable.

Yeah yeah. We'll see each other
at the Miss Cosmos contest.

I know it's not exactly your cup of tea,
but you'll see, all the camp will be there.

Above all the parents.
They're important, the parents!

DESlRES ARE REAL

THE ClNEMA lS AN ARTlFlClAL ANUS

Say, I didn't know
you could sing so well.

Frankly,
what do you know about me?

But...

you know, we're just tolerated here,
it's not going very well.

People just don't care.
Perhaps they're right, but...

what I'd like is that just one or two
be interested in what I'm doing.

That way I'd have won.

And then, you have to take culture
to where the people are.

In summer, they're in the camping
sites and that's why I go there.

It's a job like any other.

Me, the Ministry pays me
and then...

It's a bit better than being a warrant
off!icer like your mother's boyfriend.

He's an adjutant.

It's none of your business, anyway.

What happened?

What?

You and mum.
Me.

You know, like everyone.
Family life.

Once more,
the sauerkraut is uneatable.

What?

It just so happens that today
the sauerkraut is very good!

But nobody's saying
that the sauerkraut isn't good!

I simply mean it is uneatable.

Because it's too hot.

Sauerkraut has to be hot.

Doubtless, but not too hot.

Dear oh dear. Every day,
every day, it's the same old story.

Either he finds the sauerkraut too hot
or he finds it too cold.

But I'm going to tell you
one good thing.

If you don't like my cooking,
you can go out to a restaurant.

You're really a jerk.
Always down the pub.

You didn't even know
how to look after one child,

so why go and have a second?

I don't know, your mother says
I was down the pub.

I was there and I think
I looked after you a bit.

And frankly, your mother,
she's beginning to...

You know what?
She was the one who

wanted an abortion.
I didn't, I wanted to keep it.

She never told me that.

Well, no wonder.
She wouldn't, would she?

Here's an example:
we went to see a social worker.

She was a feminist,
you know the sort, hard-line.

She said: "But you should abort,
you should abort".

And your mother, argumentative as she is,
hates being influenced.

And just to contradict that woman,
she refused.

And now you're there.

And it was then
that you ditched her.

Well, yes.

Did you leave all alone?

I left with Marianne.

Go out with her sister!

That was really the lousiest thing
you could've done to her.

Well, you know,
I thought it was best.

Sort of keeping it in the family.

And her sister, did you love her?

Yeah.

She was alive, sensual, you see.

Wait, I have to pee.

She slept in the nude, no pyjamas.

Well, not like your mother.
Because she was really no joke.

Bra, panties, all night long...
Well, not at the end.

You're really thick, you know.

I'm sorry, but don't start.

If you think running away
at thirteen is any better.

Thirteen and a half!

PUT EVERYTHlNG AWAY WHEN
YOU'VE FlNlSHED 30 July

Don't think I'm going to look
after you for ever,

especially with the bastard
you're carrying.

That's alright, I can cope
perfectly well on my own.

My God, it moved.

For you,
only the theatre counts.

And there's never a soul
at your shows or it's a real mess.

Why have you always refused
to say who the father is?

It's not...

No no, it can't be him.

What nationality was
the first animal sent into space?

Soviet.

The dog Laika.

Is that worth a kiss?

Kisses can't be bought.

One, two, three!

Hula Hoop!

Oh dear, missed again!

One, two, three!
Hula Hoop!

For me, it's better to do it
with the legs.

Well, Hula Hoop?

Well nothing.

"Lastly, every day a baby is born in Belgium
contaminated by its mother

and at risk of a much quicker death
than an infected adult."

Shall we have another go?

For you and your boyfriend?

I haven't got a boyfriend.

It's nothing to be ashamed of,
it's nice to have a boyfriend.

Willy, what are you doing?

Making nitroglycerine.
- That's nice.

But put everything away
when you've finished, OK?

Sir?

BElNG AND NOTHlNGNESS
1 August

You know, my darling,
I had an extraordinary dream.

I dreamt we had a lingerie shop,

up town,

just near the lsy Brachot Gallery.

And it was you who tried on
all the panties.

Darling, you know,

men are all selfish swine;

they only think
of their own pleasure.

I'm going to make you come,

I'm going to caress you.

Ah, that's so good...

I'm going to lick you so well,

you'll scream,
you'll wake the whole camp.

Culture in the camp.
First evaluation.

Well, Mr Vandeputte, happy?

First of all, I'd like
to make a few remarks.

And I'm speaking on behalf of a lot
of campers frightened or even angered

by Radio Cosmos taking the piss
out of certain sponsors

of Camp Cosmos.

Without mentioning the pornographic
side of Radio Cosmos.

Can you give us some details?
- Of course.

I've heard the words
cock, suck, arse...

Balls?
- Yes, yes.

And you called the King of the Belgians
the Queen of Laeken.

Oh, no. Careful, Mr Vandeputte,
that's a quotation

from the great surrealist poet
Louis Scutenaire whom we all know.

Yes, but surrealism
is no excuse, you know.

Well, perhaps we'll see
what Mr Pierre Mertens thinks,

Pierre Mertens, whose new book Losing
has just been published by Fayard.

So, Mr Mertens, losing what?

Losing is the story of a man who,
to avoid his wife, insularizes himself...

I can't believe it!
That's the fifth time in four years!

We have just witnessed, live,

Mr Mertens receiving the
Wittamer Prize Pie in the face.

My book is firmly placed
in the tradition

of individual tragedies of love
integrated

within the violence of history.
History with a capital "H".

And what's the link with the Camp?
We'll pass straight to

Mr Jacques Calonne, the representative
of the Ministry of Culture,

who is decidedly becoming
a hard man to find.

I'd like to say that the aim

of art is to be moral,
before being ethical or aesthetic.

For me,
the aim of art is to expand

the part of life which is not mediocre
and to exclude the lousy parts.

I'd first like to speak about
one point in particular.

Mr Semal is the go-b etween
for Mrs Janssens,

who is a woman of easy virtue,
here on suff!erance,

and if I remember,
gives head for 10 pounds.

11 pounds.
- Yes, but that's no excuse.

The question is that Radio Cosmos
is above all a family radio.

But you were happy enough
to accept the Ministry's subsidy!

Subsidies are all very well,
but they're bound to stop.

And who has to make up
the extra? It's me.

And a cast of seventeen,
it mounts up, I can tell you.

And what's more, you all eat
fillet steak at 11 pounds the kilo.

I'm going to report it
to the Ministry. That's that!

Briefly, a pornographic experiment
that you will not be repeating?

Well, there are fors and againsts.

Since Mr Calonne asked me
to help Mr Bucquoy

in drawing up the programme of cultural
activities, I'm pretty happy with it.

And over the last few weeks,
I must say it's been rather successful.

And as one who always wanted to act,
I think I've been instrumental in that.

Indeed you are, Mr Vandeputte.
A born actor, in everyday life.

You act all the time. As soon as you
open your mouth, you're on the stage.

Thank you very much, Miss.

Not at all, you clown.

I must say that I much appreciate
Mr Merten's talent.

Mr Vandeputte,
the toilets are still blocked up.

I know, Giséle,
I'll get it seen to straight away.

I hope so.

OK, listen, I don't think
people are with us any more.

And what about coming back
to literature?

Literature, books, you know,
there are so many!

In any case, we can say that
Mr Merten's book Losing will be

on sale from this afternoon
at the chip shop and at Radio Cosmos.

It costs 11 pounds for 380 pages

and actually,
should win the Rossel Prize.

But you said...
- She's so stupid.

Say that just once more and
I'm off! to fuck the first comer!

She's so stupid!

Right, if that's the way it is...

Excuse me,
I'll be back straight away.

Marléne!

Right. Well, we're still waiting
for Mr Calonne.

Ah! Mr Calonne!

Well, you've missed the excitement

but perhaps you could give us
your feelings on

the cream pie Mr Pierre Mertens
has just received in the face?

It's a waste of cream.

And on behalf of
the tax-payers, Mr Calonne,

what is your evaluation?

I think that this unique
cultural experience

is a fine example of an artistic
and general success.

I can announce that Jan Bucquoy
will be replacing me...

BElNG AND NOTHlNGNESS
by Jean-Paul Sartre

...and bring art and culture
to the people!

As E. M. Forster said,

"You can only make love successfully
in water-closets".

THlS lS NOT A WORK OF ART

THlS lS:
"Belgian mad cows"

Well?
- Nothing, Mr Postman.

So, running away, was it nice?

You wouldn't have a doll,
would you?

A doll?

I'm thirteen and a half,
I don't play with dolls any more.

An old doll with a pair of panties.
I'll give you three lollipops.

I don't like lollipops.
- Well, what do you like then?

In any case,
not dirty old men like you!

THE FUNCTlON OF THE ORGASM
by Wilhelm Reich

How much is it
to learn how to kiss?

A kiss?

That's free.

Nothing, Lassie!

Very good, Willy!

Later on, you'll be like them.

Good-looking and intelligent.

WOMEN ARE AS MYSTERlOUS
AS COWS

COWS ARE AS MYSTERlOUS
AS WOMEN

We thank Maes Pils
for their collaboration.

Radio Cosmos,
the formula for advertising.

Chewing gum gives flatulence.

Cigarette stinks
of cancer of the mouth.

And cosmetics are tested
on the labia of female rabbits.

An advertising executive,
it's a bastard

who sells shit to the poor
whom he takes for idiots

and who calls it being creative.

Sponsors are to art
what crabs are to love.

What is love?

Love is...

A little more mayonnaise?

Love, it's men and the sea.

Alright,

I know, I'd promised that we wouldn't
see each other this summer,

we'd see less of each other.

But I can't.

I can't cope without you.

I agree...

I agree, we won't
live together anymore.

But I won't share you.

With anyone.

If you want,
I'll be like your dog.

Your dog's shadow.

Don't leave me.

THE MAN I LOVE
8 August

I want to go to Paris.

Alone, mind you.

I'll wait

The day and the night

I'll wait forever

For you to return

I'll wait

Because the bird which flees

Returns to its nest

To forget...

What's he saying?

He's asking if Eddy Merckx won.

I've got no idea.
Eddy Merckx hasn't raced for years.

Say yes.

Yes.

Radio Cosmos, good morning.

The anticyclone in the Azores
has broken down this morning,

but luckily the children are off
on an excursion

and believe me,
they're in very good hands!

Take advantage
of this rainy day, ladies,

to all come to our open discussion

on a theme which, I am sure,
will be of great interest

to you all:
the man I love.

Marléne, when did you meet
Pierre Mertens?

A few years ago, I met him at the radio,
I was interviewing him.

He wouldn't stop playing footsie
under the table.

Is he good in bed?

Tell us all, Marléne.

Don't speak with your mouth full.

When he brandishes his penis,

he quotes Lord Byron...

Atmosphere, joy and good humour

at Radio Cosmos!

Giséle, it's sometimes hard, I suppose,
to have a fully satisfying sexual

and emotional life in the middle
of chips and fat?

Yes, it's diff!icult.
You see, when I was 18,

I couldn't live
with my parents any more.

I took the first comer.
It was Louis with his chips.

But after ten years, I've had it,

I can't bear the smell anymore,
so I can't bear him either.

And it's just not going very well.

I want to leave, to see things.

I'm sure that life has something
more to off!er than chips.

Or oil, or this smell.

I want to smell fresh air, pure air,
to be gone with the wind.

How did you meet
the man you love?

Here at the camp.

And your professional duties

don't weigh too heavily
on your private life?

What did you say?

I don't understand
because I'm Flemish.

Work, it's not too diff!icult
to reconcile...

...with your private life?

No, no, I'm fine here,
I am on holiday.

On holiday.

Is fidelity within the couple
important to you?

Yes, very important.
I think, yes.

Is Mr Vandeputte a nice man
in private life?

He's pathetic.
Downright pathetic!

In every sense.

I was telling you about my sex life,
it's really dreadful.

I never come with him,
he's not able to do it,

I have to see other men,
I'm very unhappy,

and even them don't make me come
because he's really messed me up.

The function of the orgasm
is important for you?

Sure it is. Firstly, I'm a woman,
and for me, it's very important.

And do you think
you'll manage one day?

I hope so.

Thank you very much, Mrs Vandeputte,
and see you very soon, I hope so too.

What will you tell us, Eve?

I'd like to read a letter
to my father.

Really?

"One day, you met a woman.

She could have been the neighbour.

You looked at her, wanted her,
and then loved her.

I was born
from that selfish pleasure.

Bit by bit, I grew up in this bitch of
a society, where human stupidity reigns.

I'd like to meet a boy who'd give me
the love you haven't given me.

But perhaps all that is an illusion.

But I'm there, the result
ofyour pleasure.

And I can tell you that if you'd watched
the soccer instead that night,

you'd have done a better act
than the revolution you dream about.

Unfortunately, that evening, a film
by Antonioni must have been on.

Me, I want to live, man."

A moment full of emotion
on Radio Cosmos.

Well?
- Well...

NOTHlNG

Dear Camp Cosmos friends,

good morning!

And here, dear friends, is the great
moment you've all been waiting for.

I am very happy, in the name
of the Camp Cosmos management,

to present you, me, your manager,
Gérard Vandeputte,

the great Miss Cosmos election!

I'm an artist!

Miss Cosmos...

Let's applaud them!

I'm an artist.

Thank you very much!

Thanks, miss!

Bernadette...

Ten, ten, ten, unanimously!

Miss Cosmos 1986!

What is this farce?
You're all idiots!

Sending your daughters up
like Scottish mad cows!

I'm an artist!

Are you asleep?

You know, when I said your mother
wanted an abortion,

it was a load of rubbish.

It wasn't true,
she was really pleased to have you,

and so was l.

Good night.

Good night.

THE BATTLE RAGES ON
16 August

Tell me Noé,

who was the only Belgian boxer
ever to fight Cassius Clay?

Coopman.

Jean-Pierre Coopman.

On my left, Jean-Pierre Coopman,

ex-challenger of Cassius Clay
and European champion!

On my right, Freddie De Kerpel,

ex-challenger for
the championship of Europe,

and champion of Belgium!
Over to you gentlemen!

Property is theft, it engenders theft:
it must be destroyed!

Your marriage is prostitution,

it perpetuates prostitution:
it must be destroyed!

Your family is tyranny,

it justifies tyranny:
it must be destroyed!

Watch him, this Jan Bucquoy.
He'll go far.

Do you think so?
- Oh yes, yes.

Jan Bucquoy has found the way
to draw the people

and get his message over.

What a brilliant idea!

When in doubt, set fire to it!
Fire is instant theatre.

Fire speaks better
than any speech.

The politicians only notice misery
when the ghettos burn!

Score it, Léo, please!

WORLD SOCCER CHAMPlONSHlP
MEXlCO - 1986

BELGlUM - SPAlN Quarter Finals
1 - 1 (5 - 5)

Shit, it's full again.

You see, it justifies my idea

that theater is like soccer.

Actually, you have to bring
the spectators to the theatre

in the same way
as to the football stadium.

Wait, do you mean that you want
to change football fans

into theatregoers?

All you'll manage to do is to turn
the poor few remaining theatregoers

into football fans.

No, you don't understand.

What I want is to be close to people,
physically close to them...

All you want is to get your end away.
Come off! it, Jan!

Do you know what art is for you?

It's the only thing you ever found
to get off! with women.

TlNTlN lN THE COUNTRY OF THE SOVlETS
19 August

"It's not a man, it's a devil.
Nothing works against him.

See what a foul pit
the Soviets have made

of this magnificent town of Moscow!

What is this queue
of shabby children?

Communists?
You are communists?

Let's see, here is bread.

Communists?
So much for you, dog!

Now, the main question
is to straighten up the plane.

Hold the rope, Milou!

Not too tightly,

I'm going to go down
to help you drop the tail".

TlNTlN lN THE BELGlAN CONGO

"De white boy he ver' fair,
he give half hat to each."

"De white boy he great wizard,

he cure my husband,
de white boy he boula matari."

"De white boy he taboo,

our arrows nevah reach him,

he great wizard."
- Well?

Nothing.

Well?
- Nothing.

And my tip?
- It was lousy, your tip.

In fact, you don't know anything
about horse-racing.

I might not know anything
about horse-racing,

but you don't know anything
about women.

It's easy for you.
She works for you, you live off! it.

Yes, it's true.
It's diff!erent with yours.

People don't pay her.

Yes, you're just a doll for me

A little plaything

Ribboned and perfumed

And found on New Year's Eve

No, it's just a little love story

And it'll last what it's worth

And when the party's over

When the fancy's gone

Adieu, we'll part...

GATHER YE ROSES WHlLE YE MAY
25 August

So, what's it like to run away
at thirteen and a half?

You had a good time at least?

I wanted to go to ltaly.

I met a girl, Florence.

Do you know the diff!erence
between Florence and Merthyr Tydfil?

I know lots of girls called Florence,
but none called Merthyr Tydfil.

So, what was it like, ltaly?

What did you do about food,
with no money, no...

Well, we hitched.

Then we met this guy.
Loads of money,

nice, villa,
swimming pool.

Nothing happened?
He didn't touch you?

He was with Florence.

Ah, Merthyr Tydfil.

Was it fun or what, or...
- Yes.

Then I had enough.

I telephoned mum,
and she came and fetched me.

DESlRES ARE REAL

You're the first woman
I've made love to without vomiting.

It's because I'm a free
and independent woman.

Intelligent, sensual.

Are you really leaving with them?

I don't want to spend all my life
in a dream, in fiction.

I want to act, to fight.
- Listen...

that way there's only
death or prison.

All it's ever resulted in
is more prison,

more cops,
more activists arrested.

That's it, that way we'll see
the true face of a police state.

Terrorism makes no sense.

And cultural activities do?

Are you sure
you don't want to come?

We'll see each other again.

Are you coming
to the dance tonight?

Unless you can tell me who won
the Golden Palm at the Cannes Festival...

in 1966.

A Man and A Woman
by Claude Lelouch.

The first commercial film
to win the Golden Palm.

Now, it happens more often.

My wife has gone back to Paris.

To her mother.

Anyway, I've always
had a problem with women,

the hysterical sort above all.
Anyway, that's what I say.

You know, women...

There's an Australian proverb
which says:

"There's plenty of fish
in the ocean".

Listen, I'll have to tell you:

I killed my wife.

I cut her up into little bits,
put the lot in a rubbish bag,

and threw it over the breakwater
into the sea.

We all have a woman to kill.

Me, it was my mother.

Well?

I'm going to put in
a good report to the Ministry.

After all,
it was a good experience.

Care to dance?

Noble Belgium

Mother of shit

I leave you your bucolic camp sites
Your little cage and the canary

The country of long faces

They have to be drunk to laugh

To be drunk, they have to puke
Chimay, Rochefort and Maredsous

Noble Belgium

Mother of shit

I leave you your barrel of cheer
Your duck dance and medleys

In the country of
The 11 th of November

They only really love you
When you're dead

What's nice about fire
Is the ashes

What they sing about in love
Is the remorse

Noble Belgium

Mother of shit

The little cage and the canary

Antwerp Zoo and Walibi

The VMO and its shit

Its lousy microclimate...

Do you want anything special?

I don't know.

Do you know "Mama"?

Come on, try!

Would you like to come
and live with me?

Mum couldn't ask for better.

Me neither.

AND lN THE SKY, THE STARS SEEMED
FROZEN 30 August

Yeah, I've already done it,

but that doesn't count.

How many times?

I didn't feel anything.

It doesn't count then.

You know,
it's our last evening and...

can I kiss you?

It depends...
Can you answer this question?

In which year was the anarchist
Durruti assassinated?

Durruti?

Never heard of him.

Don't worry, it's the sort of thing
that's not in the encyclopaedias.

Why?

Encyclopaedias are meant for jerks!

THE POOR DREAM, THE RlCH SLEEP
1 September

END OF THE SECOND PART
OF THE SEX LlFE OF THE BELGlANS