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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:47,630 --> 00:01:50,560 Hey, can I get another drink down here? 2 00:01:50,630 --> 00:01:52,730 I've been to prison once. 3 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,330 I've been married twice. 4 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,670 I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live 5 00:01:57,740 --> 00:02:01,840 in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. 6 00:02:01,910 --> 00:02:05,510 I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, 7 00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:09,140 and I got a bone chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. 8 00:02:09,850 --> 00:02:13,050 I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life. 9 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:16,450 But nothing has ever sucked more ass than this. 10 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,020 If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats 11 00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:22,060 pissing on my lap for 30 days out of the year, 12 00:02:22,130 --> 00:02:25,760 I would have killed myself a long time ago. 13 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:31,760 Come to think of it, I still might. 14 00:02:33,140 --> 00:02:35,740 Where I come from, we didn't celebrate Christmas. 15 00:02:35,810 --> 00:02:37,970 Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad 16 00:02:38,050 --> 00:02:40,950 was a worthless-coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present 17 00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:43,680 was a daily punch to the back of the head. 18 00:02:43,750 --> 00:02:46,350 He did teach me how to crack a safe, though. 19 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:51,190 My dad never did shit with his life, so he took it out on me. 20 00:02:51,260 --> 00:02:54,320 You could say I'm no different. I'd have to say you were right. 21 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,990 But at this point, it's too late to start over. 22 00:02:57,070 --> 00:02:59,060 Funny how things work out. 23 00:02:59,130 --> 00:03:01,430 It's fucking hilarious. 24 00:03:22,490 --> 00:03:24,860 There's Santa Claus. Look there. 25 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:30,630 Wow. 26 00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:38,000 Oh, my. What a darling photo. 27 00:03:38,070 --> 00:03:39,970 Are you certain you only want the single? 28 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:43,240 Additional photos come in handy as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa 29 00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:45,680 or as a wonderful remembrance for friends. 30 00:03:45,750 --> 00:03:46,770 Gee. You know what? 31 00:03:46,850 --> 00:03:48,820 This one, I think it's more than enough. 32 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,720 Thanks. Merry Christmas. 33 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,250 So, what do you want, little girl? 34 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,120 A drum set. 35 00:03:56,190 --> 00:03:58,060 Oh, the old man will love that. 36 00:03:58,130 --> 00:04:00,360 Okay. Fine. See you later. 37 00:04:09,570 --> 00:04:11,630 I saw you at another mall. 38 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,500 Well, I'm very happy for you. 39 00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:15,410 You're not really Santa. 40 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,780 If you were Santa, you could do magic. 41 00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:19,870 You want to see some magic? 42 00:04:19,950 --> 00:04:22,280 Here. Let's watch you disappear. 43 00:04:23,020 --> 00:04:25,420 Watch the bladder, kid. Santa's got to pee. 44 00:04:25,490 --> 00:04:27,480 - What do you want? - A new bike. 45 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,520 Wow. That's a new one. Excellent. 46 00:04:29,590 --> 00:04:30,890 Attention, shoppers. 47 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,690 The store will be closing in five minutes. 48 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:34,490 We hope tomorrow is a pleasant Christmas. 49 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:35,830 Thank you for shopping with us. 50 00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:38,460 - Is that it? - Yeah, that's the last one. 51 00:04:38,530 --> 00:04:40,760 Thank the fuck Christ. 52 00:04:41,470 --> 00:04:43,400 Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. 53 00:04:43,470 --> 00:04:45,670 You pissed yourself. 54 00:04:50,050 --> 00:04:52,040 Aw, Jesus. 55 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,640 Yeah, all right. 56 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:57,280 Yeah. 57 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,580 Hey, happy holidays. All right. 58 00:05:01,660 --> 00:05:03,210 Merry Christmas. 59 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,320 Happy holidays. 60 00:05:05,390 --> 00:05:06,590 Get home safe. 61 00:05:06,660 --> 00:05:08,290 Yeah, okay. 62 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,660 I don't care what he says. 63 00:05:09,730 --> 00:05:11,890 - We're going out for a beer. - What the fuck? 64 00:05:11,970 --> 00:05:14,030 I'll get right back to you. 65 00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:16,540 What the hell's wrong with you? I'm trying to fucking leave. 66 00:05:16,610 --> 00:05:17,940 Pants are awful baggy. 67 00:05:18,010 --> 00:05:19,970 You got anything in there? 68 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,770 Yeah. My dick. You want to see it? 69 00:05:24,250 --> 00:05:26,180 Keep pushing me. 70 00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:28,110 I got my eyes on you. 71 00:05:28,180 --> 00:05:29,910 All the time. 72 00:06:33,150 --> 00:06:34,780 Ready. 73 00:06:38,850 --> 00:06:39,950 Jesus. 74 00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:22,960 - How's it going? - I'm finished when I'm finished. 75 00:07:23,030 --> 00:07:24,290 I'm going back upstairs. 76 00:07:24,370 --> 00:07:26,200 I need a melon baller and a loofah. 77 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,830 Got it. 78 00:07:33,110 --> 00:07:35,130 Fuck the loofah. Let's go. 79 00:07:41,980 --> 00:07:43,970 Marcus, you get the loofah? 80 00:07:44,050 --> 00:07:45,610 Drive. 81 00:07:47,590 --> 00:07:49,020 Oh! 82 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,100 Oh, I'm dizzy. Put me down. 83 00:08:01,170 --> 00:08:02,160 Hey, put me down. 84 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:04,000 Come on! Put me down. 85 00:08:05,140 --> 00:08:08,040 Oh, come on. 86 00:08:09,010 --> 00:08:11,140 Oh, man. 87 00:08:15,350 --> 00:08:17,340 Hey, baby, two more of these, all right? 88 00:08:17,420 --> 00:08:19,510 No. That's it for me. 89 00:08:20,090 --> 00:08:22,680 You can't drink worth a shit, you know that? 90 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,390 I weigh 92 pounds, you dick. 91 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:31,330 Come on. One more. It's a celebration. 92 00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:34,530 Here's to you. 93 00:08:42,540 --> 00:08:45,210 You're getting worse, you know that? 94 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,370 Well, at least I got it open. 95 00:08:47,450 --> 00:08:49,380 It took you long enough. 96 00:08:49,450 --> 00:08:53,110 I remember when you could unlock a lock like it was nothing. 97 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,280 Yeah, well, you don't have to worry about me anymore. 98 00:08:58,390 --> 00:08:59,420 I'm out. 99 00:08:59,490 --> 00:09:01,220 Bullshit. 100 00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:04,630 Bullshit, my ass. 101 00:09:05,270 --> 00:09:08,570 We just made $ 111,000 in one night. 102 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,300 Exactly. I figure I got enough to go to Miami. 103 00:09:11,370 --> 00:09:12,810 And do what? 104 00:09:12,870 --> 00:09:14,400 I don't know. Shit. Get a car. 105 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,040 Get a place, maybe. 106 00:09:17,110 --> 00:09:20,410 Maybe start a business. A bar out on the beach. 107 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,210 Something like that. 108 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:27,050 I could quit drinking and run the place. 109 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,320 Maybe marry a waitress. 110 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,460 What? 111 00:09:33,530 --> 00:09:35,330 You ain't gonna do shit except go down there 112 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,190 and drink your fucking ass off. 113 00:09:37,270 --> 00:09:38,990 You're gonna piss everything away 114 00:09:39,070 --> 00:09:42,130 and end up counting the days till next Christmas. 115 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,770 You'd like that, wouldn't you? 116 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,360 Well, it ain't gonna happen. 117 00:09:47,180 --> 00:09:49,140 If I call you next December... 118 00:09:49,210 --> 00:09:51,370 if I call you next December... 119 00:09:51,450 --> 00:09:53,410 you're gonna be so happy to hear from me 120 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,710 you're gonna do a goddamn backflip. 121 00:09:55,780 --> 00:09:58,050 You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast 122 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,520 that you're gonna get fucking hat-burn. 123 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,420 Can I get you guys two more? 124 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,390 No, thanks. We're all right. 125 00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:14,830 See? 126 00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:17,270 I'm already on the wagon. 127 00:10:49,670 --> 00:10:50,870 Hey. Asshole! 128 00:10:50,940 --> 00:10:52,500 How many times I got to tell you? 129 00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:54,410 Get out from behind my bar! 130 00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:57,640 Put the drink down right now. 131 00:10:57,710 --> 00:11:00,010 Put the drink down right now! 132 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:01,740 Ahh. Fuck you. 133 00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:03,250 - Fuck me, huh? - Right. 134 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,840 Oh. Hey! 135 00:11:06,420 --> 00:11:07,910 Ow! 136 00:11:07,990 --> 00:11:10,420 Get the fuck out of my bar. 137 00:11:13,030 --> 00:11:14,520 Fuck you! 138 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:15,620 You're fucking crazy. 139 00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:17,430 Fucking prick. 140 00:11:18,170 --> 00:11:19,360 Asshole! 141 00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:21,800 Get the fuck out of here right now! 142 00:12:06,650 --> 00:12:08,280 Fucking shit! 143 00:12:08,350 --> 00:12:10,080 Fuck you! 144 00:12:10,150 --> 00:12:11,880 Fuck you! 145 00:12:11,950 --> 00:12:13,680 Fuck you! 146 00:15:05,630 --> 00:15:07,560 Yeah, baby. 147 00:15:10,030 --> 00:15:13,190 Hey, Tiffany, you want to play "Hide the Nazi" one day? 148 00:15:20,340 --> 00:15:22,170 God damn it. 149 00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:26,680 Here you go, sweetie. 150 00:15:28,150 --> 00:15:30,080 I got something for your pretty ass. 151 00:15:30,150 --> 00:15:32,280 - You do? - Yeah. 152 00:15:35,090 --> 00:15:37,490 Wow. $5. 153 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:38,550 Thanks. 154 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:47,000 I gotta listen to my messages, and you need to take a shower. 155 00:15:47,670 --> 00:15:49,930 I'm a dancer. I sweat. 156 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,600 Yeah, well, you smell like a bum's nut sac. 157 00:15:52,670 --> 00:15:54,700 Fuck you. 158 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:02,210 Message one. 159 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:03,650 Mr. Soke? 160 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,750 This is Andrew Kaplan again, from the collection agency. 161 00:16:07,820 --> 00:16:10,290 Message two. 162 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,350 This is Dolores Axelrod. 163 00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:14,450 You ran into my car last week. 164 00:16:14,530 --> 00:16:15,930 I called State Farm, 165 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,400 but they have no record of any insurance policy for you. 166 00:16:19,470 --> 00:16:22,100 In case you misplaced it, my phone number is 4... 167 00:16:22,170 --> 00:16:24,070 Message three. 168 00:16:24,140 --> 00:16:27,470 Willie, it's Marcus. It's that time of year again. 169 00:16:27,540 --> 00:16:30,710 Pack your shit. Phoenix. 170 00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:08,140 Jesus Christ! 171 00:17:08,220 --> 00:17:11,520 Can you maybe keep it together for just 10 minutes? 172 00:17:18,130 --> 00:17:21,120 Harrison, just let me explain, please. Financially... 173 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,130 Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska. 174 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,890 Five Christmases I've been here. 175 00:17:24,970 --> 00:17:27,060 You flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts 176 00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:29,660 and who happens to work with a real midget. 177 00:17:29,740 --> 00:17:31,930 Nobody cares. Nobody comes here for the elf. 178 00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,340 Santa's the attraction. 179 00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:34,870 I do Burl Ives songs. 180 00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:36,710 Does this schmo even play guitar? 181 00:17:36,780 --> 00:17:40,240 Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget. 182 00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,080 Believe me, if it was, I... 183 00:17:42,150 --> 00:17:43,840 I don't think they like "midget." 184 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,680 I think you're supposed to call them... 185 00:17:45,750 --> 00:17:48,190 Oh, just forget it. 186 00:17:49,490 --> 00:17:51,220 Hacks! 187 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:52,620 Hi. 188 00:17:52,690 --> 00:17:55,090 Bob Chipeska. Welcome. 189 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,150 Great photo and résumé, by the way. 190 00:17:57,230 --> 00:17:57,990 Thanks. 191 00:17:58,070 --> 00:18:00,160 We've been at this a long time and all. 192 00:18:00,230 --> 00:18:02,000 We'd like to think we do a good job. 193 00:18:02,070 --> 00:18:04,660 I'm so glad you guys could come in on such short notice. 194 00:18:04,740 --> 00:18:07,300 I must say, your look is just sensational. 195 00:18:07,380 --> 00:18:08,030 Thanks. 196 00:18:08,110 --> 00:18:10,940 We've been at this for years. You got nothing to worry about. 197 00:18:11,010 --> 00:18:13,880 You two are the best men for this job, truly. 198 00:18:13,950 --> 00:18:17,280 So don't let his unpleasantness affect your performance. 199 00:18:17,350 --> 00:18:19,320 - Oh, no. We're fine. - Performance? 200 00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:22,290 Yes. Uh, your performance. You know, the, um... 201 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:24,550 Performance, like sexual? 202 00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:26,890 - Excuse me? - Willie. 203 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,290 Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? 204 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:30,660 Is that what you're saying? 205 00:18:30,730 --> 00:18:32,200 - I'm sorry. Your gear? - Willie. 206 00:18:32,270 --> 00:18:34,060 My fuck stick. 207 00:18:35,770 --> 00:18:37,600 Hey, Willie. Take a seat. 208 00:18:37,670 --> 00:18:39,140 You know how your blood sugar is. 209 00:18:39,210 --> 00:18:42,660 He's not going to say "fuck stick" in front of the children? 210 00:18:42,740 --> 00:18:44,680 No, no, no. It's a joke. 211 00:18:44,750 --> 00:18:48,080 An adult joke for us adults. 212 00:18:48,150 --> 00:18:49,910 It's a joke. Just a joke. 213 00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:57,590 "Fuck stick"? 214 00:18:57,660 --> 00:19:00,590 Yes. I thought it was very strange, too. 215 00:19:00,660 --> 00:19:03,150 So, as our security chief, 216 00:19:03,230 --> 00:19:05,360 I wanted you to be aware. 217 00:19:05,430 --> 00:19:07,700 But his little friend promised he wouldn't say it 218 00:19:07,770 --> 00:19:09,760 in front of the children, which is fine. 219 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:13,300 Because, you know, there is an adult world 220 00:19:13,370 --> 00:19:15,840 and a child's world, and that's okay. 221 00:19:15,910 --> 00:19:17,670 I'm no censor. 222 00:19:17,750 --> 00:19:18,510 "Little friend"? 223 00:19:18,580 --> 00:19:21,510 Yes, he happens to be a dwarf. 224 00:19:21,580 --> 00:19:24,210 Or midget. 225 00:19:24,290 --> 00:19:26,650 I don't know what he's called exactly. 226 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:30,120 But, uh, he's a little guy. 227 00:19:30,190 --> 00:19:33,060 Little Billy Barty. God rest. 228 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,250 But thin fingers. 229 00:19:34,330 --> 00:19:38,820 Not the fat sausage fingers. 230 00:19:40,870 --> 00:19:42,800 "Little people." That's what they like. 231 00:19:42,870 --> 00:19:46,360 Yes. Uh, right. Little people. 232 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,430 So "fuck stick." That's it? 233 00:19:49,380 --> 00:19:51,240 Yeah. 234 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,050 Merry Christmas! Santa's coming. Yay! 235 00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,280 Merry Christmas! Santa's coming. Yay! 236 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,850 Merry Christmas! 237 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,300 Have you seen that new Santa they just hired? 238 00:20:12,370 --> 00:20:14,830 Yeah. He's back there drunk. 239 00:20:18,870 --> 00:20:22,670 He's coming, guys. Santa will be here real soon. 240 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,080 God damn it! 241 00:20:29,150 --> 00:20:32,180 What the fuck you doing? You blow this, and we're broke. 242 00:20:32,250 --> 00:20:33,880 So stop acting like you know something. 243 00:20:33,950 --> 00:20:35,650 'Cause, pal of mine, you don't know squat! 244 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:37,620 Now, put on your hat and get out there. 245 00:20:37,690 --> 00:20:40,820 And try to act professional, for Christ's sakes. 246 00:20:46,430 --> 00:20:48,160 What do you want? 247 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:49,760 What? 248 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:51,400 Get out of here. 249 00:20:51,470 --> 00:20:53,200 Next. 250 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:55,870 Next. 251 00:20:55,940 --> 00:20:58,380 Oh, good. What do you want? 252 00:20:59,750 --> 00:21:01,650 What do you want? What are you doing? 253 00:21:03,850 --> 00:21:04,840 God damn it! 254 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,080 Nintendo Deer Hunter 3. 255 00:21:07,150 --> 00:21:09,120 I don't give a shit what you want. 256 00:21:09,190 --> 00:21:11,850 Blowing snot all over everybody and fucking whatever. 257 00:21:11,930 --> 00:21:13,950 Next. Come on. 258 00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,450 What do you want? 259 00:21:17,530 --> 00:21:19,800 - Um, Santa? - Yeah, I'm Santa. 260 00:21:19,870 --> 00:21:21,060 Come on. What do you want? 261 00:21:21,140 --> 00:21:23,300 - Um, Barbie. - Say cheese. 262 00:21:23,370 --> 00:21:24,560 Okay. Fine. Barbie. 263 00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:25,900 Oh, thank you. 264 00:21:25,970 --> 00:21:28,940 Ow! Watch the toenails, kid! Shit. 265 00:21:29,010 --> 00:21:30,310 Next. 266 00:21:31,410 --> 00:21:33,350 Next! 267 00:21:35,780 --> 00:21:36,880 What do you want? 268 00:21:36,950 --> 00:21:39,480 Fraggle-Stick car. 269 00:21:39,550 --> 00:21:41,540 What the fuck is that? 270 00:21:41,620 --> 00:21:43,180 Fraggle-Stick car. 271 00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:46,230 Well, I heard you. Fraggle-Stick car. Fine. 272 00:22:01,010 --> 00:22:03,100 Hey, check out this loser. 273 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,040 Hey, fat-ass. How you doing today? 274 00:22:08,150 --> 00:22:09,710 Hey, loser. 275 00:22:09,780 --> 00:22:11,610 Hey, dipshit. 276 00:22:11,690 --> 00:22:13,240 Moron. 277 00:22:13,790 --> 00:22:16,190 Hey, loser. How you doing today? 278 00:22:16,990 --> 00:22:19,320 Dumb-ass, why don't you turn around? 279 00:22:22,460 --> 00:22:24,930 You know what? Fuck this. 280 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,200 You're next. 281 00:22:31,270 --> 00:22:33,260 Next. 282 00:22:33,340 --> 00:22:36,710 I said next, God damn it. This is not the DMV, all right? 283 00:22:36,780 --> 00:22:38,470 Move it along. 284 00:22:40,510 --> 00:22:42,910 What's your name? You can tell me. 285 00:22:45,020 --> 00:22:47,280 I know. How about Santa? 286 00:22:47,350 --> 00:22:49,910 If you don't tell him, you won't get a present. 287 00:22:51,030 --> 00:22:52,050 That's right. 288 00:22:52,130 --> 00:22:55,100 Come on and tell Santa all about it. 289 00:22:58,730 --> 00:22:59,720 What do you want? 290 00:23:01,970 --> 00:23:03,560 Well, come on. What do you want? 291 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,500 A snot-rag? 292 00:23:08,510 --> 00:23:10,670 Great. Another fucking Mongoloid. 293 00:23:10,740 --> 00:23:14,080 Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me. 294 00:23:14,150 --> 00:23:15,810 Don't fuck with my beard. 295 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,350 It's not real. 296 00:23:17,420 --> 00:23:18,910 No shit. 297 00:23:18,990 --> 00:23:20,210 Well, it was real. 298 00:23:20,290 --> 00:23:23,620 But, you see, I got sick and all the hair fell out. 299 00:23:23,690 --> 00:23:25,630 How did you get sick? 300 00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:28,160 I loved a woman who wasn't clean. 301 00:23:28,230 --> 00:23:29,320 Mrs. Santa? 302 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:30,620 No. It was her sister. 303 00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:32,830 What's it like at the North Pole? 304 00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:34,270 Like the suburbs. 305 00:23:34,340 --> 00:23:35,830 Which one? 306 00:23:36,740 --> 00:23:38,030 Apache Junction. 307 00:23:38,110 --> 00:23:40,870 What the fuck do you care? Now, get off my lap. 308 00:23:40,940 --> 00:23:42,930 You sit there like a fucking retard. 309 00:23:43,010 --> 00:23:44,980 You are really Santa, right? 310 00:23:45,050 --> 00:23:46,380 No. I'm an accountant. 311 00:23:46,450 --> 00:23:49,910 I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, all right? 312 00:23:49,980 --> 00:23:51,710 Okay. 313 00:23:51,790 --> 00:23:54,310 Get this kid out of here. He's freaking me out. 314 00:24:00,090 --> 00:24:03,430 I got to get a drink on. I'll see you tomorrow. 315 00:24:03,500 --> 00:24:06,190 Just don't come into work stinking of booze again. 316 00:24:06,270 --> 00:24:07,730 Yeah. Why don't you get going? 317 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,790 You'll be late for your "Wizard of Oz" Candy Bar Guild. 318 00:24:10,870 --> 00:24:13,270 Lollipop Guild, you asshole. Jesus! 319 00:24:13,340 --> 00:24:15,740 Two-year-olds flip me shit better than you. 320 00:24:15,810 --> 00:24:16,900 You saying something to me? 321 00:24:16,980 --> 00:24:20,310 Yeah. I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass. 322 00:24:58,590 --> 00:25:00,020 What? 323 00:25:07,700 --> 00:25:08,630 Mmm. 324 00:25:08,700 --> 00:25:11,760 Another Grand-Dad, Santa? 325 00:25:11,830 --> 00:25:12,760 Yeah. 326 00:25:12,830 --> 00:25:13,930 Yeah? 327 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:21,670 Got a name? 328 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:25,370 Yeah. 329 00:25:27,210 --> 00:25:29,980 So, what do you do, you know... 330 00:25:30,050 --> 00:25:31,480 After the holidays, I mean. 331 00:25:31,550 --> 00:25:34,490 Well, nothing till March, and then I'm the Easter Bunny. 332 00:25:39,330 --> 00:25:40,490 Oh. Another? 333 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:41,990 Yeah. Why not? 334 00:25:45,730 --> 00:25:47,130 Merry Christmas. 335 00:25:51,170 --> 00:25:53,260 Not a big talker. 336 00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:54,900 No, not really. 337 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,310 - Buy you one? - Why not? 338 00:26:05,090 --> 00:26:06,750 Happy New Year. 339 00:26:09,890 --> 00:26:12,380 You're pretty regular for a Santa. 340 00:26:12,460 --> 00:26:14,120 It's not that big a fucking deal. 341 00:26:14,190 --> 00:26:16,390 It's just a job, you know what I mean? 342 00:26:16,460 --> 00:26:20,830 I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus. 343 00:26:22,540 --> 00:26:23,900 Prove it. 344 00:26:26,870 --> 00:26:28,140 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. 345 00:26:28,210 --> 00:26:31,340 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. 346 00:26:31,410 --> 00:26:32,970 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa! 347 00:26:33,050 --> 00:26:34,410 Can't I at least take this hat off? 348 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,180 No. I love the hat. 349 00:26:36,250 --> 00:26:38,050 Okay. 350 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:41,280 Whoo! 351 00:26:45,390 --> 00:26:49,620 I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. 352 00:26:49,700 --> 00:26:51,320 In case you didn't notice. 353 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:54,390 It's like some deep-seated childhood thing. 354 00:26:54,470 --> 00:26:56,400 So is my thing for tits. 355 00:26:56,470 --> 00:26:58,730 Yeah. It is like that, though. 356 00:26:58,810 --> 00:27:00,000 From when you're a kid. 357 00:27:00,070 --> 00:27:02,410 'Cause my dad was Jewish, and we didn't have Christmas. 358 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:06,970 So it was like this forbidden thing. 359 00:27:10,050 --> 00:27:11,710 So... 360 00:27:14,420 --> 00:27:15,720 I like you. 361 00:27:17,830 --> 00:27:20,120 Don't mothball that suit. 362 00:27:26,870 --> 00:27:27,800 What the fuck? 363 00:27:27,870 --> 00:27:29,860 I am not gay. 364 00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:32,860 - What the hell, buddy? - Buddy? 365 00:27:32,940 --> 00:27:34,840 I said I am not gay. 366 00:27:34,910 --> 00:27:38,040 Are you off your fucking meds or something? 367 00:27:38,110 --> 00:27:39,580 Yes. 368 00:27:39,650 --> 00:27:42,310 But that isn't what this is about. 369 00:27:42,380 --> 00:27:44,080 You're as queer as a $ 10 bill. 370 00:27:44,150 --> 00:27:46,480 Let me tell you something, motherfucker. 371 00:27:46,550 --> 00:27:50,250 My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. 372 00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,520 So I want you to look at my face one last fucking time. 373 00:27:53,590 --> 00:27:56,220 This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I... 374 00:27:56,300 --> 00:27:57,260 Elf fucker! 375 00:27:57,330 --> 00:27:59,420 - Motherfucker! - Turn around, elf fucker. 376 00:27:59,500 --> 00:28:01,970 Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Huh? 377 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:03,760 Faggy Claus! Faggy! 378 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,100 Leave Santa alone! 379 00:28:05,170 --> 00:28:08,470 Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us. 380 00:28:08,540 --> 00:28:10,310 Leave Santa alone! 381 00:28:14,450 --> 00:28:16,780 Ass clown. 382 00:28:23,890 --> 00:28:25,830 Hey, you're that kid. 383 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,620 What the fuck are you doing here? 384 00:28:42,740 --> 00:28:45,010 This one fucking time I take you home, okay? 385 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:46,070 Uh-huh. 386 00:28:46,150 --> 00:28:47,580 I'm not your fucking dada. 387 00:28:47,650 --> 00:28:49,340 Uh-huh. 388 00:28:51,020 --> 00:28:53,950 It's not like you helped me with that nutjob or anything. 389 00:28:54,020 --> 00:28:55,680 - Uh-huh. - You're the right height. 390 00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:58,350 You're right there to grab his balls. 391 00:28:58,430 --> 00:29:00,620 - You could twist them. - Why do you need a car? 392 00:29:00,690 --> 00:29:03,750 - What? - This car. 393 00:29:03,830 --> 00:29:04,760 Which turn is it? 394 00:29:04,830 --> 00:29:06,920 Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh? 395 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,160 It's in the shop, getting repaired. 396 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,670 - Where are the reindeer? - I stabled them. 397 00:29:11,740 --> 00:29:13,000 Is it left or right? 398 00:29:13,070 --> 00:29:14,100 That way. 399 00:29:14,170 --> 00:29:15,800 Where's the stable? 400 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,040 - Next to the shop. - How do they sleep? 401 00:29:18,110 --> 00:29:20,200 Who? The reindeer? Standing up. 402 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:21,750 But the noise. How do they sleep? 403 00:29:21,820 --> 00:29:23,810 - What noise? - From the shop. 404 00:29:25,250 --> 00:29:27,350 They only work during the day, all right? 405 00:29:27,420 --> 00:29:29,180 I thought it was always night at the North Pole. 406 00:29:29,260 --> 00:29:31,190 Well, not now. Right now it's always day. 407 00:29:31,260 --> 00:29:32,450 Then how do they sleep? 408 00:29:32,530 --> 00:29:34,820 - Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. 409 00:29:34,900 --> 00:29:38,350 What is it with you? Somebody drop you on your fucking head? 410 00:29:38,430 --> 00:29:39,830 On my head? 411 00:29:39,900 --> 00:29:42,160 Are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head? 412 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:43,900 How can they drop me onto my own head? 413 00:29:43,970 --> 00:29:46,740 No, not onto your... Would... 414 00:29:46,810 --> 00:29:49,870 God damn it! Are you fucking with me? 415 00:29:53,910 --> 00:29:55,850 Okay. Which house is it? 416 00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:57,180 That one. 417 00:29:57,250 --> 00:29:59,120 With Jesus and his family there or what? 418 00:29:59,190 --> 00:30:00,740 No. The one beside that. 419 00:30:00,820 --> 00:30:02,650 - Right here? - Yeah. That one. 420 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:04,210 All right. 421 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:14,370 Nice digs. 422 00:30:15,670 --> 00:30:17,100 Is Daddy home? 423 00:30:17,170 --> 00:30:19,140 He's on an adventure, exploring mountains. 424 00:30:19,210 --> 00:30:20,640 He's been gone a long time. 425 00:30:20,710 --> 00:30:24,440 Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone? 426 00:30:24,510 --> 00:30:25,440 Till next year. 427 00:30:25,510 --> 00:30:26,810 Yeah? What about Mommy? 428 00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:29,970 She lives in God's house with Jesus and Mary and the ghost 429 00:30:30,050 --> 00:30:33,540 and the long-eared donkey and Joseph and the talking walnut. 430 00:30:34,290 --> 00:30:36,080 Well, who the fuck takes care of you, then? 431 00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:36,950 Grandma. 432 00:30:37,020 --> 00:30:38,620 Yeah? What's her name? 433 00:30:38,690 --> 00:30:40,020 Grandma. 434 00:30:41,190 --> 00:30:43,090 Is Granny spry? 435 00:30:47,270 --> 00:30:48,260 Everybody! 436 00:30:52,070 --> 00:30:55,060 Grandma? Grandma? 437 00:30:55,580 --> 00:30:57,370 Santa's here. 438 00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:00,570 Oh, Roger. You're home. 439 00:31:00,650 --> 00:31:02,910 Are you spry? 440 00:31:02,980 --> 00:31:06,250 Let me fix you some sandwiches. 441 00:31:13,660 --> 00:31:17,150 Are you telling me she's the only one here? 442 00:31:17,230 --> 00:31:18,600 Nobody else? 443 00:31:18,670 --> 00:31:21,760 No aunts or cousins or uncles or anything like that? 444 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:23,800 A butler or security guard or something? 445 00:31:23,870 --> 00:31:26,200 Nuh-unh. 446 00:31:26,270 --> 00:31:28,210 You're shitting me. 447 00:31:30,340 --> 00:31:32,470 Does your daddy have a safe? 448 00:31:38,450 --> 00:31:40,280 Need money to fix your sleigh? 449 00:31:40,350 --> 00:31:42,290 Exactly. 450 00:31:47,190 --> 00:31:49,030 You want milk and cookies? 451 00:31:49,100 --> 00:31:50,150 No. 452 00:31:50,230 --> 00:31:51,750 Should I fix you some sandwiches? 453 00:31:51,830 --> 00:31:53,130 Unh-unh. 454 00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:54,670 Does your daddy have a car? 455 00:31:59,470 --> 00:32:01,840 Bye, Santa! 456 00:32:13,890 --> 00:32:15,150 Oh, my! 457 00:32:18,260 --> 00:32:20,160 - Keep going. - Jesus! 458 00:32:20,230 --> 00:32:21,520 Ohh! 459 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:25,700 Oh, God! 460 00:32:25,770 --> 00:32:26,700 Ooh! 461 00:32:26,770 --> 00:32:29,530 Oh, Zena! Oh, Mary! 462 00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:30,660 Keep it going. 463 00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:32,470 Jesus Christ! 464 00:32:32,540 --> 00:32:34,230 Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. 465 00:32:34,310 --> 00:32:36,830 You ain't gonna shit right for a week. 466 00:32:36,910 --> 00:32:37,840 Oh! 467 00:32:37,910 --> 00:32:39,340 - Yeah, buddy! - Yeah! 468 00:32:39,410 --> 00:32:41,740 - Whoo! 469 00:32:45,220 --> 00:32:47,380 It won't happen again. I can promise you that. 470 00:32:47,450 --> 00:32:50,690 Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all. 471 00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,950 That's right. I forgot to take my pill. 472 00:32:53,630 --> 00:32:56,430 It's not just the swearing. 473 00:32:56,500 --> 00:32:58,020 Um... 474 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,030 Forgive me for prying. 475 00:33:01,100 --> 00:33:04,700 But did one of you, um... 476 00:33:04,770 --> 00:33:05,860 fornicate... 477 00:33:05,940 --> 00:33:06,910 Fornicate? 478 00:33:06,970 --> 00:33:10,670 Yes, with a heavyset woman in the Big & Tall dressing room. 479 00:33:10,740 --> 00:33:13,210 Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. 480 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:18,410 But as far as I can recall, I've never fornicated anybody. 481 00:33:18,490 --> 00:33:19,680 Yes, well, even still, 482 00:33:19,750 --> 00:33:22,690 I think it's best for all parties considered if we... 483 00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:24,420 If we what? 484 00:33:24,990 --> 00:33:28,090 Well, I have someone else interested in the position. 485 00:33:29,030 --> 00:33:30,550 Before you do something stupid, 486 00:33:30,630 --> 00:33:32,190 you may want to think about this shit. 487 00:33:32,270 --> 00:33:33,430 What are you talking about? 488 00:33:33,500 --> 00:33:36,090 I'm talking about firing a little black midget. 489 00:33:36,170 --> 00:33:38,730 A colored, African-American small person. 490 00:33:38,810 --> 00:33:40,030 That's what I'm talking about. 491 00:33:40,110 --> 00:33:44,200 I'm talking about your face all over goddamn "USA Today." 492 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,680 I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers 493 00:33:46,750 --> 00:33:48,870 all over the sidewalk out there. 494 00:33:48,950 --> 00:33:50,850 Little picket signs, chanting and raving. 495 00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:53,280 Using little bullhorns and shit like that. 496 00:33:53,350 --> 00:33:55,950 Screaming and hollering your name out. 497 00:33:56,020 --> 00:33:58,220 Unfair practices. Get me? 498 00:33:58,290 --> 00:34:00,590 No. No, no. This is not a handicap thing. 499 00:34:00,660 --> 00:34:02,920 I have nothing against you people. 500 00:34:04,460 --> 00:34:05,830 "You people"? 501 00:34:05,900 --> 00:34:08,700 Did you hear that, Marcus? He said, "You people." 502 00:34:08,770 --> 00:34:10,070 Who the hell is "us people"? 503 00:34:10,140 --> 00:34:11,400 Wait. Wait. No, no. 504 00:34:11,470 --> 00:34:13,700 I... You don't under... What? 505 00:34:13,770 --> 00:34:15,760 He... No, no. 506 00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:18,780 Um, you know, I think it's best 507 00:34:18,850 --> 00:34:21,710 if we just forget we had this conversation. 508 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:25,180 Okay. 509 00:34:25,250 --> 00:34:26,510 Good thinking. 510 00:34:26,590 --> 00:34:29,080 And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. 511 00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:31,590 Let's get the hell out of here, Marcus. 512 00:34:36,660 --> 00:34:37,890 You're pathetic. 513 00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:50,930 I dig that little thing on your belly button. 514 00:34:51,010 --> 00:34:52,270 What's that? Like a diamond? 515 00:34:52,350 --> 00:34:54,310 It's a belly-button ring. 516 00:34:54,380 --> 00:34:55,780 Oh, yeah? Hang on a second. 517 00:34:55,850 --> 00:34:57,510 Check this out. 518 00:34:57,580 --> 00:35:00,310 You got to thrust. See what I'm saying? 519 00:35:00,750 --> 00:35:03,990 You gotta move the ball around. You go up there, baby. 520 00:35:04,060 --> 00:35:05,390 Come on. 521 00:35:05,460 --> 00:35:07,720 See? Move the ball. There you go. 522 00:35:07,790 --> 00:35:10,020 Motherfucker! 523 00:35:10,100 --> 00:35:13,290 Oh, you lousy, fucking motherfucker. 524 00:35:16,700 --> 00:35:18,640 That's the shit that's gonna get us pinched. 525 00:35:18,710 --> 00:35:20,040 She said she was 18. 526 00:35:20,110 --> 00:35:21,510 But you promised no arcades. 527 00:35:21,570 --> 00:35:23,300 You said you'd only hustle Big & Tall. 528 00:35:23,380 --> 00:35:26,170 You shat me out of your womb? You're my fucking mom now? 529 00:35:26,250 --> 00:35:27,910 I don't need any goddamn lectures. 530 00:35:27,980 --> 00:35:30,450 I know how to keep a low profile. Thank you. 531 00:35:31,650 --> 00:35:34,380 What the fuck is this, Mr. Low Profile? 532 00:35:34,450 --> 00:35:36,720 Mind your own goddamn business. 533 00:35:44,430 --> 00:35:46,370 Ever hear of the open bottle law? 534 00:35:48,570 --> 00:35:53,630 A couple of days ago, I was in, uh, Women's Big & Tall. 535 00:35:53,710 --> 00:35:55,770 And I heard these... 536 00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:59,940 Um, you know, these noises. 537 00:36:00,010 --> 00:36:04,540 And I heard a woman screaming, "Yeah. Oh, yeah." 538 00:36:04,620 --> 00:36:07,950 And I heard his voice saying, "That's right. 539 00:36:08,020 --> 00:36:14,020 You ain't going to S-H-l-T right for a month." 540 00:36:15,330 --> 00:36:16,800 But don't get me wrong. 541 00:36:16,860 --> 00:36:19,960 I was against the Clinton impeachment. 542 00:36:20,030 --> 00:36:22,020 What a man does with his own penis... 543 00:36:22,100 --> 00:36:24,200 Oval Office, Women's Big & Tall... 544 00:36:24,270 --> 00:36:26,970 it's not for the American people to say. 545 00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:27,770 Yeah, right. 546 00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:31,370 But when you're dealing with children... 547 00:36:34,610 --> 00:36:37,050 They have a tender sensibility. 548 00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:38,980 And you are in a position of trust. 549 00:36:39,050 --> 00:36:44,620 I think perhaps someone who has screaming orgasms 550 00:36:44,690 --> 00:36:47,320 with large women shouldn't... 551 00:36:47,390 --> 00:36:48,880 Yeah. 552 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:51,930 Of course, I can't fire him for that. 553 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:54,230 Oh, yeah. Unfair practices. 554 00:36:54,300 --> 00:36:56,860 Special pleading. Bitch, bitch, bitch. 555 00:36:56,940 --> 00:36:58,300 Fucking broads. 556 00:36:58,370 --> 00:36:59,630 But I just can't help it. 557 00:36:59,710 --> 00:37:03,160 There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy. 558 00:37:03,240 --> 00:37:04,210 Well, sure. 559 00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:06,970 Santa fucking someone in the ass. 560 00:37:09,150 --> 00:37:11,210 - So... 561 00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:13,840 Maybe there's something I could fire him for. 562 00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:16,090 Yeah, I get you. 563 00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:17,820 Do you? 564 00:37:17,890 --> 00:37:19,760 Do you think you could find something? 565 00:37:19,830 --> 00:37:22,800 Shit, yeah. There's always something. 566 00:37:48,050 --> 00:37:49,040 Shit. 567 00:37:50,260 --> 00:37:52,720 Hey, Opal. Come here. 568 00:37:52,790 --> 00:37:53,990 Unh-unh. 569 00:37:54,060 --> 00:37:55,890 Screw you, Willie, your kinky ass. 570 00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:57,830 Last time I didn't shit right for a week. 571 00:37:57,900 --> 00:38:00,920 No, it's not that. I need to talk to you. 572 00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:03,970 I'm just tired of you, Willie. 573 00:38:04,900 --> 00:38:06,030 Ooh. 574 00:38:08,410 --> 00:38:10,340 Who the fuck is in my room? 575 00:38:10,410 --> 00:38:11,880 Did you see somebody go in my room? 576 00:38:11,950 --> 00:38:14,070 Yeah. Some guy asking about you. 577 00:38:14,150 --> 00:38:15,310 Looked like a cop. 578 00:38:15,380 --> 00:38:16,970 Oh, shit. 579 00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:19,410 Marcus, it's Willie. 580 00:38:19,490 --> 00:38:21,580 I just got back to the motel. 581 00:38:21,650 --> 00:38:23,990 Some guy is nosing around in my room. 582 00:38:24,060 --> 00:38:25,680 What guy? You get a look at him? 583 00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:27,390 No. But I think he's a cop, though. 584 00:38:27,460 --> 00:38:28,590 Think somebody's onto us? 585 00:38:28,660 --> 00:38:30,930 Is there anything in the room? Anything professional? 586 00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:32,430 No, I just got clothes in there. 587 00:38:32,500 --> 00:38:33,830 Just ditch, you idiot. 588 00:38:33,900 --> 00:38:35,990 You got anywhere to sack out for a while? 589 00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:38,770 - Santa! - Yeah. 590 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:40,430 You're bringing my present early? 591 00:38:40,510 --> 00:38:41,840 No. 592 00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:44,580 But I never told you what I wanted. 593 00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:47,480 I said I didn't bring it, dipshit. 594 00:38:47,550 --> 00:38:49,010 Okay. Good. 595 00:38:49,080 --> 00:38:52,110 I want a stuffed elephant. A pink one. 596 00:38:52,190 --> 00:38:54,180 Wish in one hand, shit in the other one. 597 00:38:54,250 --> 00:38:57,090 See which one fills up first. 598 00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:58,590 Okay. 599 00:38:58,660 --> 00:39:00,850 So I'm gonna be staying here for a while. 600 00:39:00,930 --> 00:39:02,950 Things are all fucked up at the North Pole. 601 00:39:03,030 --> 00:39:05,050 Mrs. Santa caught me fucking her sister. 602 00:39:05,130 --> 00:39:07,960 And I'm out on my ass now. 603 00:39:08,030 --> 00:39:09,900 She got half of everything. 604 00:39:09,970 --> 00:39:11,960 This is gonna be cool. 605 00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:13,870 This will do fine. 606 00:39:20,010 --> 00:39:22,000 So I'm gonna be crashing here. 607 00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:25,280 It will be just you and me, like roommates, you know? 608 00:39:25,350 --> 00:39:27,510 Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids? 609 00:39:27,590 --> 00:39:29,210 No. Thank the fuck Christ. 610 00:39:29,290 --> 00:39:31,260 What about the elves? 611 00:39:31,690 --> 00:39:34,290 Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. 612 00:39:34,860 --> 00:39:36,590 I get them on the weekends. 613 00:39:36,660 --> 00:39:38,860 Why don't you go run me a bath? 614 00:39:42,700 --> 00:39:44,100 What about the reindeer? 615 00:39:44,170 --> 00:39:46,730 Would you please shut up about reindeer? 616 00:39:48,310 --> 00:39:49,740 What are their names? 617 00:39:49,810 --> 00:39:50,800 Who? 618 00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:51,940 The elves. 619 00:39:52,010 --> 00:39:53,380 Oh, shit. I can't remember. 620 00:39:53,450 --> 00:39:55,810 I think one of them is Sneezy. There's a Dopey. 621 00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:57,780 That's the Seven Dwarfs. 622 00:39:57,850 --> 00:39:59,580 Oh, you're shitting me. 623 00:39:59,650 --> 00:40:02,750 I thought... I was thinking it was the... 624 00:40:02,820 --> 00:40:04,080 I don't know. Fuck, kid. 625 00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:06,250 I just call them, "bub." 626 00:40:06,330 --> 00:40:08,390 I say, "Hey, bub" or "chief" or whatever the fuck. 627 00:40:08,460 --> 00:40:10,220 I tell him to make the goddamn toy. 628 00:40:10,300 --> 00:40:12,260 What the fuck is wrong with you? 629 00:40:12,330 --> 00:40:14,100 I can't remember this shit! 630 00:40:14,170 --> 00:40:17,190 Does everything with you have to be a fucking test? 631 00:40:19,810 --> 00:40:21,210 How old are they? 632 00:40:26,710 --> 00:40:28,270 You want cookies? 633 00:40:29,180 --> 00:40:30,170 No. 634 00:40:30,250 --> 00:40:31,480 Warm milk? 635 00:40:31,550 --> 00:40:32,450 No. 636 00:40:32,520 --> 00:40:34,210 Should I fix you some sandwiches? 637 00:40:34,290 --> 00:40:36,050 I don't want any fucking sandwiches. 638 00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:38,610 What is it with you and fixing fucking sandwiches? 639 00:40:38,690 --> 00:40:40,990 Okay. Do you want anything else? 640 00:40:41,060 --> 00:40:42,690 No. 641 00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:46,230 Okay. 642 00:40:54,710 --> 00:40:56,570 Santa? 643 00:41:01,710 --> 00:41:02,940 What? 644 00:41:03,020 --> 00:41:05,580 I brought you some orange juice. 645 00:41:08,660 --> 00:41:09,750 What's in it? 646 00:41:09,820 --> 00:41:11,410 Oranges. 647 00:41:14,190 --> 00:41:16,020 Look what I have. 648 00:41:16,100 --> 00:41:18,150 An Advent calendar. 649 00:41:18,230 --> 00:41:19,360 What the hell is that? 650 00:41:19,430 --> 00:41:23,200 It's the story of Christmas, but in a calendar. 651 00:41:23,270 --> 00:41:25,290 Every day you peel open a new box. 652 00:41:25,370 --> 00:41:26,960 You get part of the story. 653 00:41:27,040 --> 00:41:29,030 And then there's a chocolate inside. 654 00:41:29,110 --> 00:41:31,740 Do you want to open up today's box and read it? 655 00:41:32,710 --> 00:41:34,650 No. You go ahead. 656 00:41:36,620 --> 00:41:40,020 Jesus Christ, kid. Watch the nuts. 657 00:41:47,590 --> 00:41:51,220 "So Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee 658 00:41:51,300 --> 00:41:54,290 to Judea, to Bethlehem, the town of David. 659 00:41:54,370 --> 00:41:57,300 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree 660 00:41:57,370 --> 00:42:00,400 that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 661 00:42:00,470 --> 00:42:03,640 Everyone went to his hometown to register." 662 00:42:06,780 --> 00:42:08,440 - That it? - Yep. 663 00:42:08,510 --> 00:42:10,850 That's an awesome fucking story, kid. 664 00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:14,380 There's more to it, but we have to wait till tomorrow. 665 00:42:15,790 --> 00:42:18,020 Do you want to eat the chocolate? 666 00:42:19,090 --> 00:42:20,150 You go ahead. 667 00:42:23,360 --> 00:42:25,630 Are you coming downstairs? 668 00:42:25,700 --> 00:42:28,360 I'll be down in a minute. I got to go to work. 669 00:42:39,780 --> 00:42:41,040 Fuck me? Fuck you. 670 00:42:41,110 --> 00:42:43,110 You can't just take up with some kid. 671 00:42:43,180 --> 00:42:45,550 You don't know who's around or what they do. 672 00:42:45,620 --> 00:42:48,050 You got some nerve, you little shit, you. 673 00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:50,780 What, you're my mom now? You shat me out of your womb? 674 00:42:50,860 --> 00:42:54,290 You said that yesterday, you stupid fuck. 675 00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:55,990 Shit. 676 00:42:56,830 --> 00:42:58,730 Fuck you. 677 00:43:07,510 --> 00:43:09,810 You are by far the dumbest, 678 00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:12,500 most pathetic piece of maggot-eating shit 679 00:43:12,580 --> 00:43:16,010 that has ever slid from a human being's hairy ass. 680 00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:19,610 What if the kid has one of those fucking playdates they have now? 681 00:43:19,690 --> 00:43:22,420 Are you shitting me? The kid don't have any friends. 682 00:43:22,490 --> 00:43:25,620 He don't even have an imaginary friend unless he ditched him. 683 00:43:25,690 --> 00:43:28,660 He lives with his drooling-ass old grandmother. 684 00:43:28,730 --> 00:43:30,420 Sits in front of the TV all the time. 685 00:43:30,500 --> 00:43:31,900 You think she's gonna rat me out? 686 00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:34,900 She don't know her ass from last Tuesday. 687 00:43:35,540 --> 00:43:36,900 You fuck her? 688 00:43:38,540 --> 00:43:39,660 Jesus Christ. 689 00:43:39,740 --> 00:43:41,640 Is everything fucking sex with you? 690 00:43:41,710 --> 00:43:43,770 With me? I fuck one person. 691 00:43:43,840 --> 00:43:45,370 I ain't out there serial fornicating, 692 00:43:45,450 --> 00:43:47,570 trying to float my liver, drinking myself silly 693 00:43:47,650 --> 00:43:50,670 'cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am. 694 00:43:50,750 --> 00:43:53,480 What are you, Sigmund Sawed-off Fucking Freud? 695 00:43:53,550 --> 00:43:55,180 Yeah, that's right. 696 00:43:55,250 --> 00:43:56,810 Go ahead. Talk about my height. 697 00:43:56,890 --> 00:43:58,520 Make it about something safe 698 00:43:58,590 --> 00:44:00,460 'cause you're an emotional cripple. 699 00:44:00,530 --> 00:44:02,080 Your soul is dog shit. 700 00:44:02,160 --> 00:44:04,650 Every single fucking thing about you is ugly. 701 00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:13,930 Come on, Lois. Let's get out of here. 702 00:44:23,850 --> 00:44:27,410 Look who's here, Jimmy. It's Santa. 703 00:44:27,490 --> 00:44:29,010 That's fucking great. 704 00:44:29,090 --> 00:44:31,650 Let's tell him what you want for Christmas. 705 00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:33,790 Fuck. 706 00:44:36,330 --> 00:44:40,460 I'm on my fucking lunch break, okay? 707 00:44:40,530 --> 00:44:42,560 Are you insane? 708 00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:44,430 Management's gonna hear about this. 709 00:44:44,500 --> 00:44:46,940 You think that's a threat? 710 00:44:47,010 --> 00:44:50,170 If you think you can make my life any worse, go right ahead. 711 00:44:50,240 --> 00:44:53,010 Be my fucking guest. Take a shot. 712 00:45:22,710 --> 00:45:24,840 Just looking. 713 00:45:24,910 --> 00:45:26,640 Aah! 714 00:45:32,320 --> 00:45:34,910 Find everything you're looking for? 715 00:45:34,990 --> 00:45:37,220 Um, yeah. Thank you. 716 00:45:37,290 --> 00:45:40,160 Nothing I can help you with, huh? 717 00:45:40,230 --> 00:45:44,160 No. I'm just looking at the games 'cause I have an Xbox. 718 00:45:44,230 --> 00:45:47,060 Get your hands out of my pants, man! 719 00:45:47,130 --> 00:45:50,500 You're stealing from the store, you're stealing from me. 720 00:45:50,570 --> 00:45:51,900 What is this? 721 00:45:51,970 --> 00:45:53,910 I was gonna pay for it. 722 00:45:53,970 --> 00:45:55,030 Wrong answer. 723 00:45:55,110 --> 00:45:57,010 When I look at you, you know what I think? 724 00:45:57,080 --> 00:45:59,870 I think America has a sad future ahead of it. 725 00:45:59,950 --> 00:46:02,470 And you're part of this sorry-ass generation. 726 00:46:02,550 --> 00:46:04,140 What you want to be when you grow up? 727 00:46:04,220 --> 00:46:06,510 I don't know. 728 00:46:06,590 --> 00:46:08,750 - This MP3? - Yeah. 729 00:46:08,820 --> 00:46:10,190 Take it off. 730 00:46:10,260 --> 00:46:12,820 But my grandmother gave... 731 00:46:12,890 --> 00:46:15,330 Take it off. I don't care who gave it to you. 732 00:46:15,390 --> 00:46:17,360 Take it off. 733 00:46:17,430 --> 00:46:19,330 I don't care if it choke you to death. 734 00:46:19,400 --> 00:46:21,490 Now, I want you to get on out of here. Get! 735 00:46:21,570 --> 00:46:23,190 - But can I have... - Get! 736 00:46:23,270 --> 00:46:24,430 Happy Kwanzaa. 737 00:46:27,970 --> 00:46:29,940 And pull your damn pants up! 738 00:46:30,010 --> 00:46:31,870 What's wrong with you kids these days? 739 00:46:33,150 --> 00:46:34,410 Gin? 740 00:46:34,480 --> 00:46:36,210 - Yeah. - What do you need? 741 00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:38,010 I need you to run a plate for me. 742 00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:39,210 It's Arizona plates. 743 00:46:39,290 --> 00:46:41,080 Hold on. Let me get a pen. 744 00:47:08,010 --> 00:47:09,450 Is that it? 745 00:47:20,260 --> 00:47:24,200 For Christ's sake, make a move and stick with it, would you? 746 00:47:32,300 --> 00:47:33,970 King me. 747 00:47:36,380 --> 00:47:38,240 Son of a bitch! 748 00:47:38,310 --> 00:47:42,940 You lousy, cheating little shit! 749 00:47:44,780 --> 00:47:47,340 You're fucking with me! You did that on purpose. 750 00:47:47,420 --> 00:47:49,980 You play like the dead lice are falling off of you, 751 00:47:50,060 --> 00:47:52,890 and then suddenly, you're like Seabiscuit all over the place. 752 00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:55,450 You're a smartass, is what you are, kid. 753 00:47:56,500 --> 00:47:58,260 Want to play again? 754 00:48:02,970 --> 00:48:04,560 Howdy. Herb Gunner. 755 00:48:04,640 --> 00:48:07,000 I live two streets over on Burning Trail Road. 756 00:48:07,070 --> 00:48:08,800 I don't think we've met. 757 00:48:11,710 --> 00:48:12,910 I'm Uncle Willie. 758 00:48:12,980 --> 00:48:15,740 I'm organizing the decorations for the subdivision this year. 759 00:48:15,820 --> 00:48:18,250 - You mind if I come in? - Yeah. 760 00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:20,720 I mean yeah, I mind. 761 00:48:20,790 --> 00:48:21,980 Okay. Uh... 762 00:48:22,050 --> 00:48:26,010 Will you be participating in our luminarias program this year? 763 00:48:28,060 --> 00:48:30,890 - What the hell is a lunamaria? - They're luminarias. 764 00:48:30,960 --> 00:48:33,400 Small sacks filled with about a pound of sand each. 765 00:48:33,470 --> 00:48:35,430 We insert a candle in the middle, light it, 766 00:48:35,500 --> 00:48:36,830 and the bag glows. 767 00:48:36,900 --> 00:48:38,560 Then we line all the sidewalks here 768 00:48:38,640 --> 00:48:41,000 all around the neighborhood. 769 00:48:41,610 --> 00:48:45,540 You see, we don't celebrate Christmas around here, so... 770 00:48:45,610 --> 00:48:48,840 We're, uh, we're Muslims. 771 00:48:48,910 --> 00:48:50,970 Look, it's my first year running this. 772 00:48:51,050 --> 00:48:53,350 I'd like it if there weren't any gaps in it. 773 00:48:53,420 --> 00:48:56,150 What if I come by Christmas Eve and do it for you? 774 00:48:56,220 --> 00:48:58,320 No, you know what? You don't have to do that. 775 00:48:58,390 --> 00:49:00,980 Yeah, me and the kid here, we'll do something. 776 00:49:01,060 --> 00:49:02,320 Great. I got the supplies. 777 00:49:02,390 --> 00:49:03,860 - I'll throw them in the garage. - Perfect. 778 00:49:03,930 --> 00:49:05,830 Awesome. 779 00:49:05,900 --> 00:49:07,590 Going in the garage, just so you know. 780 00:49:07,670 --> 00:49:11,300 You can make a delicious six-pound chicken. 781 00:49:11,370 --> 00:49:14,500 Enough hot dogs and sausages to feed a small army. 782 00:49:14,570 --> 00:49:17,800 Not one, but two delicious rotisserie chickens. 783 00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:20,350 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. 784 00:49:20,410 --> 00:49:23,280 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. 785 00:49:23,350 --> 00:49:26,340 Scrumptious 61/2-pound standing rib roast. 786 00:49:26,420 --> 00:49:31,080 And everybody's favorite, baby back ribs. 787 00:49:44,340 --> 00:49:47,570 This is such a nice house. 788 00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:50,170 Needs a woman's touch, though. 789 00:49:50,240 --> 00:49:53,230 I just rent the fucking place anyway. 790 00:49:56,080 --> 00:49:57,670 Yeah. I just rent stuff, too. 791 00:49:57,750 --> 00:49:58,910 Yeah? 792 00:50:06,390 --> 00:50:08,520 How long are you gonna be here? 793 00:50:08,590 --> 00:50:10,650 What? On the couch? 794 00:50:10,730 --> 00:50:12,360 No. 795 00:50:12,430 --> 00:50:14,160 In town. 796 00:50:15,730 --> 00:50:18,400 I don't know. Just through the holidays. 797 00:50:18,470 --> 00:50:20,770 You know, then I'll move on. 798 00:50:23,140 --> 00:50:24,610 So, do you like kids? 799 00:50:25,810 --> 00:50:27,610 Fuck, no! 800 00:50:27,680 --> 00:50:30,150 Do you think I'm some kind of pervert? 801 00:50:30,220 --> 00:50:33,120 I just mean because you're Santa Claus. 802 00:50:34,150 --> 00:50:35,120 Oh. 803 00:50:35,190 --> 00:50:37,450 I like kids. I really like kids. 804 00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:39,680 - You do? - I love kids. 805 00:50:39,760 --> 00:50:41,420 Well, good. 806 00:50:42,700 --> 00:50:45,760 Yeah, they're something else, those kids. 807 00:50:47,900 --> 00:50:49,800 And to tell you the truth... 808 00:50:51,440 --> 00:50:55,500 The fact of the matter is, I'm not Santa. 809 00:50:58,280 --> 00:51:00,770 Like ya anyway. 810 00:51:15,230 --> 00:51:17,560 So, you'll call me, right? 811 00:51:17,630 --> 00:51:20,390 Yeah. I'll call you. 812 00:51:20,470 --> 00:51:21,800 I'm gonna buy you some flowers. 813 00:51:21,870 --> 00:51:24,300 Some of those really good expensive ones. 814 00:51:24,370 --> 00:51:25,630 Shut up. 815 00:51:27,910 --> 00:51:29,840 Bye. 816 00:52:37,410 --> 00:52:38,900 Roger, you're home. 817 00:52:38,980 --> 00:52:41,670 Let me fix you some sandwiches. 818 00:52:43,950 --> 00:52:44,940 What the fuck? 819 00:52:45,020 --> 00:52:48,420 Kid, what the fuck is wrong with you? 820 00:52:53,460 --> 00:52:54,860 Jesus Christ! 821 00:52:54,930 --> 00:52:56,390 Let me see it! Let me see it! 822 00:52:56,460 --> 00:52:57,760 What the hell happened to you?! 823 00:52:57,830 --> 00:53:01,060 I cut my hand by mistake! Ow! 824 00:53:01,130 --> 00:53:03,690 - Of course it was by mistake. - Ow! 825 00:53:03,770 --> 00:53:05,760 Here, hold still. Hold still. 826 00:53:07,310 --> 00:53:09,500 I was just trying to help you! 827 00:53:09,580 --> 00:53:12,440 I forgot to say, "It's gonna sting a little bit." 828 00:53:12,510 --> 00:53:15,000 Shouldn't I wrap it in a T-shirt or something? 829 00:53:15,080 --> 00:53:16,780 God damn it. 830 00:53:21,250 --> 00:53:24,150 - Hey, kid? 831 00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:27,880 Kid, you okay up there? 832 00:53:27,960 --> 00:53:30,490 You need a Band-Aid or something? 833 00:53:39,740 --> 00:53:41,830 Aw, shit. 834 00:53:50,650 --> 00:53:51,840 You're late. 835 00:53:58,820 --> 00:54:00,420 Kids. Let me tell you. 836 00:54:03,930 --> 00:54:05,760 They run you ragged. 837 00:54:17,440 --> 00:54:19,640 Morning, team. 838 00:54:20,180 --> 00:54:21,270 Hey, hey, hey. 839 00:54:21,350 --> 00:54:23,610 It's not quite 8:00 yet. 840 00:54:24,620 --> 00:54:26,640 Well, how close are we? 841 00:54:31,160 --> 00:54:32,490 Now it's 8:00. 842 00:54:32,560 --> 00:54:33,650 Merry Christmas. 843 00:54:33,730 --> 00:54:35,690 Up your ass. 844 00:54:42,030 --> 00:54:43,400 God damn it! 845 00:54:43,470 --> 00:54:45,030 You tear your ball again? 846 00:54:45,100 --> 00:54:46,370 I don't think so. 847 00:54:46,440 --> 00:54:49,030 That's it. 848 00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:07,680 God damn it! 849 00:55:22,740 --> 00:55:24,770 Sweetheart, don't romance 'em, now. 850 00:55:24,840 --> 00:55:26,500 Go on and get in there. I can take it. 851 00:55:29,150 --> 00:55:30,050 Yeah. 852 00:55:30,120 --> 00:55:32,110 Gin, I got the info on that Arizona plate. 853 00:55:32,180 --> 00:55:34,150 All right. Now you're talking. 854 00:55:34,220 --> 00:55:36,240 Oh, hold on one minute. 855 00:55:36,320 --> 00:55:38,720 Baby, baby. Baby, baby. Don't use that one. 856 00:55:38,790 --> 00:55:39,850 That's not the stuff. 857 00:55:39,930 --> 00:55:42,220 Use something with some claws to it. 858 00:55:42,290 --> 00:55:44,690 Yeah, that hard candy. That's it right there. 859 00:55:44,760 --> 00:55:48,030 Let me get some of that. Yeah, that's it. 860 00:55:48,100 --> 00:55:49,430 Okay. 861 00:55:49,500 --> 00:55:50,430 Yeah, I'm back. 862 00:55:50,500 --> 00:55:51,940 The guy's Roger Merman. 863 00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:54,230 - Guess where he is. - Give it to me. 864 00:55:54,310 --> 00:55:57,400 Ow! Damn it! What's wrong with you, woman? 865 00:56:06,820 --> 00:56:08,410 Who are you? 866 00:56:08,490 --> 00:56:09,720 Your name Roger Merman? 867 00:56:09,790 --> 00:56:10,780 Yes. But... 868 00:56:10,860 --> 00:56:12,590 You doing three to six for embezzlement? 869 00:56:12,660 --> 00:56:17,250 Uh, well, many accounting questions are not cut-and-dried. 870 00:56:17,330 --> 00:56:19,760 Do you live at 41 Sage Terrace? 871 00:56:19,830 --> 00:56:21,800 Is it Grandma? 872 00:56:21,870 --> 00:56:23,060 Is my son all right? 873 00:56:23,140 --> 00:56:24,470 They're fine. 874 00:56:24,540 --> 00:56:26,830 Do you have any houseguests? 875 00:56:27,540 --> 00:56:28,670 Houseguests? 876 00:56:30,580 --> 00:56:33,070 Thank you for your time. God bless. 877 00:56:33,750 --> 00:56:35,800 Well, hey, who are you? 878 00:56:38,080 --> 00:56:40,280 Houseguests? 879 00:56:43,360 --> 00:56:45,920 Little trick I learned up at the North Pole. 880 00:56:45,990 --> 00:56:48,760 If you fry baloney, it tastes like a hot dog. 881 00:56:48,830 --> 00:56:50,730 I thought you didn't like sandwiches. 882 00:56:50,800 --> 00:56:52,730 Yeah, but this is not a sandwich. 883 00:56:52,800 --> 00:56:54,360 A sandwich has two pieces of bread 884 00:56:54,430 --> 00:56:56,260 with a bunch of junk on it. 885 00:56:57,500 --> 00:56:59,030 It's like a tostada. 886 00:56:59,100 --> 00:57:01,700 This isn't a tostada. 887 00:57:01,770 --> 00:57:03,100 There you go, Granny. 888 00:57:04,110 --> 00:57:06,440 Little salsa here. 889 00:57:07,510 --> 00:57:09,910 Now it's a tostada. 890 00:57:10,520 --> 00:57:12,280 Have you seen my Advent calendar? 891 00:57:12,350 --> 00:57:14,750 What the fuck is it with the Advent calendar? 892 00:57:14,820 --> 00:57:16,980 Why are you so obsessed with that goddamn thing? 893 00:57:17,060 --> 00:57:19,050 The story sucks anyway. 894 00:57:23,130 --> 00:57:24,690 I think I saw it in the hallway. 895 00:57:24,760 --> 00:57:26,490 - Really? - I think so. 896 00:57:35,270 --> 00:57:38,040 Looks like someone messed with my Advent calendar. 897 00:57:38,110 --> 00:57:40,670 What are you talking about? Let me see. 898 00:57:41,910 --> 00:57:44,280 Nobody messed with it. It looks fine. 899 00:57:58,930 --> 00:58:01,690 There's a candy corn in this one. 900 00:58:01,770 --> 00:58:04,400 Well, they can't all be winners, can they? 901 00:58:09,340 --> 00:58:12,310 Well, it's fucked. 902 00:58:12,380 --> 00:58:13,780 Yeah? 903 00:58:13,850 --> 00:58:15,470 Yeah. 904 00:58:15,550 --> 00:58:17,240 - Fucked, frankly. - He's... 905 00:58:17,320 --> 00:58:18,910 - Clean... - Oh. 906 00:58:18,980 --> 00:58:20,680 - As a fucking whistle. - Nothing? 907 00:58:20,750 --> 00:58:22,050 - No. - Oh. 908 00:58:22,120 --> 00:58:24,050 - Nothing. I mean shit. - Yeah. 909 00:58:24,120 --> 00:58:25,380 - He curses. - Yeah? 910 00:58:25,460 --> 00:58:27,250 - But never around children. - Oh. 911 00:58:27,330 --> 00:58:28,760 - No criminal record. - Yeah. 912 00:58:28,830 --> 00:58:31,420 - No parking tickets. - Nothing. 913 00:58:31,500 --> 00:58:33,590 - No bad habits, even. - Oh. 914 00:58:33,670 --> 00:58:34,960 Sex, yeah. 915 00:58:35,030 --> 00:58:37,700 - But man is a sexual being. - Yeah. 916 00:58:37,770 --> 00:58:39,570 - Fuckin' Darwinian. - Oh. 917 00:58:39,640 --> 00:58:41,700 - You can't do shit about that. - No. 918 00:58:41,770 --> 00:58:43,470 Hell, I wouldn't want to. 919 00:58:46,450 --> 00:58:49,940 No, of course not. I'm not advocating celibacy. 920 00:58:50,020 --> 00:58:52,780 Hope not. It'd be the end of the fucking human race. 921 00:58:52,850 --> 00:58:54,610 Yeah. 922 00:58:54,690 --> 00:58:56,350 Fucks large women. 923 00:58:57,220 --> 00:58:58,880 What can I say? 924 00:59:11,900 --> 00:59:14,390 Hey, look, it's the retard again. 925 00:59:25,250 --> 00:59:26,220 Wedgie. 926 00:59:26,280 --> 00:59:27,950 - Yeah. - Yeah. 927 00:59:30,320 --> 00:59:31,790 Well, what the hell do you want? 928 00:59:31,860 --> 00:59:33,260 Pokémon! 929 00:59:33,330 --> 00:59:34,690 Done. 930 00:59:39,060 --> 00:59:42,300 You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass. 931 00:59:43,540 --> 00:59:45,370 Santa... 932 00:59:46,940 --> 00:59:48,740 Oh, jeez. 933 00:59:52,080 --> 00:59:54,480 - Is that your underwear? - Part of it. 934 00:59:54,550 --> 00:59:56,340 Where the hell's the rest of it? 935 00:59:56,420 --> 00:59:58,880 No, actually, don't tell me. What do you want? 936 00:59:58,950 --> 01:00:02,510 I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. 937 01:00:02,590 --> 01:00:04,280 But now I changed my mind. 938 01:00:04,360 --> 01:00:07,290 - Yeah, what? - Now I don't want an elephant. 939 01:00:07,360 --> 01:00:08,920 I want a gorilla named Davey 940 01:00:08,990 --> 01:00:11,860 for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. 941 01:00:11,930 --> 01:00:14,300 He could take his orders from the talking walnut, 942 01:00:14,370 --> 01:00:16,800 so it wouldn't be my bad thing. 943 01:00:21,410 --> 01:00:22,630 Jesus, kid. 944 01:00:22,710 --> 01:00:24,970 When I was your age, I didn't need no gorilla, 945 01:00:25,040 --> 01:00:27,010 and I wasn't as big as one of your legs. 946 01:00:27,080 --> 01:00:29,480 Four kids beat me up and I went crying to my daddy. 947 01:00:29,550 --> 01:00:31,410 - You know what he did? - He made it all better? 948 01:00:31,480 --> 01:00:34,250 No, he kicked my ass. You know why? 949 01:00:34,320 --> 01:00:37,220 'Cause you went to the bathroom on Mommy's dishes? 950 01:00:37,290 --> 01:00:38,880 What the fuck? 951 01:00:38,960 --> 01:00:39,820 No. 952 01:00:39,890 --> 01:00:42,550 He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man? 953 01:00:42,630 --> 01:00:46,790 No. It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch. 954 01:00:46,870 --> 01:00:48,530 When he wasn't busting my ass, 955 01:00:48,600 --> 01:00:50,430 he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. 956 01:00:50,500 --> 01:00:51,830 The world ain't fair. 957 01:00:51,900 --> 01:00:54,300 You gotta take what you need when you can get it. 958 01:00:54,370 --> 01:00:57,070 Learn to stand up for yourself. Quit being a pussy. 959 01:00:57,140 --> 01:00:59,800 Kick these kids in the balls or something. 960 01:01:01,450 --> 01:01:03,000 Or don't. Shit, I don't care. 961 01:01:03,080 --> 01:01:05,570 Just leave me out of it. Now, get on out of here. 962 01:01:05,650 --> 01:01:08,180 Okay. Thanks, Santa. 963 01:01:22,630 --> 01:01:25,100 Go get the next lucky boy or girl, okay? 964 01:01:26,440 --> 01:01:28,200 All right, next. 965 01:01:30,040 --> 01:01:32,370 Open the ropes there, Marcus. 966 01:01:33,410 --> 01:01:34,610 I know you? 967 01:01:34,680 --> 01:01:35,700 Not yet. 968 01:01:37,920 --> 01:01:40,180 Seven cities in seven years. 969 01:01:40,250 --> 01:01:41,910 Pretty impressive. 970 01:01:41,990 --> 01:01:44,290 The store changes, your name changes. 971 01:01:44,360 --> 01:01:46,820 But you always get away clean. 972 01:01:46,890 --> 01:01:48,150 Yeah. 973 01:01:48,230 --> 01:01:50,130 Pretty darn impressive. 974 01:01:50,200 --> 01:01:51,790 Well, let's face the facts. 975 01:01:51,860 --> 01:01:54,090 Y'all are a couple of half-bucket small-timers. 976 01:01:54,170 --> 01:01:57,400 You, because of your physical attributes, found a niche, 977 01:01:57,470 --> 01:01:58,990 and I respect that. 978 01:01:59,070 --> 01:02:01,100 But you also been caught... 979 01:02:02,210 --> 01:02:03,330 ...by me. 980 01:02:03,410 --> 01:02:06,240 So this is how it's gonna be. 981 01:02:06,310 --> 01:02:07,940 I don't want to take over. 982 01:02:08,010 --> 01:02:10,280 I don't even want to change your scam. 983 01:02:10,350 --> 01:02:12,440 Whatever you guys do, it works. 984 01:02:12,520 --> 01:02:14,420 All I want is a taste. 985 01:02:14,490 --> 01:02:17,010 When the deed is done, we part ways. 986 01:02:17,090 --> 01:02:18,920 I'll buy a little ranch in Havasu, 987 01:02:18,990 --> 01:02:22,360 and you all take your little medicine show back on the road. 988 01:02:25,000 --> 01:02:26,290 - How much? - Half. 989 01:02:26,360 --> 01:02:28,660 No way! You don't know who you're fucking with. 990 01:02:28,730 --> 01:02:31,900 Back off, Will. I got this. I got this! 991 01:02:33,310 --> 01:02:35,170 Okay. 30%. 992 01:02:35,240 --> 01:02:38,040 There's three of us. 30%. That's fair. 993 01:02:38,110 --> 01:02:39,800 Half. 994 01:02:39,880 --> 01:02:41,180 I meant 33%... 995 01:02:41,250 --> 01:02:42,110 I meant half. 996 01:02:42,180 --> 01:02:43,200 ...and 1/3. 997 01:02:43,280 --> 01:02:44,770 Half. 998 01:02:46,080 --> 01:02:47,280 35%. 999 01:02:48,220 --> 01:02:48,950 Half. 1000 01:02:49,020 --> 01:02:50,680 40%. 1001 01:02:51,860 --> 01:02:53,290 Half. 1002 01:02:55,330 --> 01:02:56,690 42%. 1003 01:02:58,860 --> 01:03:00,230 Half. 1004 01:03:05,200 --> 01:03:06,360 45%. 1005 01:03:12,410 --> 01:03:14,000 Half. 1006 01:03:15,110 --> 01:03:16,100 48%? 1007 01:03:17,280 --> 01:03:19,340 Half. 1008 01:03:20,090 --> 01:03:21,110 49%. 1009 01:03:21,190 --> 01:03:22,620 Half. 1010 01:03:24,290 --> 01:03:26,150 Well, what's one point? 1011 01:03:26,220 --> 01:03:28,160 We split the dough right down the middle. 1012 01:03:28,230 --> 01:03:30,690 Any merchandise you take, I get to look at and cherry-pick. 1013 01:03:30,760 --> 01:03:33,090 No! Money's one thing, but you ain't gettin' the... 1014 01:03:33,160 --> 01:03:35,600 This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff. 1015 01:03:35,670 --> 01:03:38,230 I tell you how it's gonna be. 1016 01:03:38,300 --> 01:03:40,670 This is pricks fix. 1017 01:03:46,140 --> 01:03:47,200 Pricks fix? 1018 01:03:47,280 --> 01:03:49,210 He's a fucking moron. 1019 01:03:49,280 --> 01:03:50,180 Oh, really? 1020 01:03:50,250 --> 01:03:52,050 Is that how you got the upper hand? 1021 01:03:52,120 --> 01:03:53,020 Fuck you. 1022 01:03:53,080 --> 01:03:54,070 Negotiating? 1023 01:03:54,150 --> 01:03:56,020 If you don't like, next year, fuck off. 1024 01:03:56,090 --> 01:03:57,850 I can always get another box jockey. 1025 01:03:57,920 --> 01:03:59,290 I can get another midget, too. 1026 01:03:59,360 --> 01:04:00,590 Yeah, where? 1027 01:04:00,660 --> 01:04:03,690 You see us hanging off of trees like fucking crab apples? 1028 01:04:03,760 --> 01:04:06,200 Even if we did, you'd never front your own racket. 1029 01:04:06,260 --> 01:04:08,600 You know why, Willie? You got no discipline. 1030 01:04:08,670 --> 01:04:12,000 You got zero fuckin' initiative. You'd fall apart without me. 1031 01:04:12,070 --> 01:04:13,700 You're too pathetic for words. 1032 01:04:13,770 --> 01:04:16,540 You're a fucking loser, and you fucking know it. 1033 01:04:39,100 --> 01:04:42,930 Santa'll be here real soon, kids. Real soon. 1034 01:04:46,400 --> 01:04:48,200 There he is. Look. 1035 01:04:50,640 --> 01:04:53,170 Oh, no. 1036 01:04:59,380 --> 01:05:01,780 Oh, my God! 1037 01:05:30,480 --> 01:05:32,470 Sweet Jews for Jesus. 1038 01:05:32,550 --> 01:05:34,580 I pissed myself. 1039 01:05:34,650 --> 01:05:36,350 What the fuck do you think you doing? 1040 01:05:36,420 --> 01:05:38,250 You son of a bitch! 1041 01:05:38,320 --> 01:05:39,480 Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. 1042 01:05:39,560 --> 01:05:40,920 Hey, come on, come on. 1043 01:05:40,990 --> 01:05:42,620 Look, hey! Come on, come on! 1044 01:05:42,690 --> 01:05:44,630 Look here. Get him out of here. 1045 01:05:44,700 --> 01:05:46,320 I'll smooth things over with Chipeska. 1046 01:05:46,400 --> 01:05:49,160 - Tell him food poisoning. - "Get him out of here"? 1047 01:05:49,230 --> 01:05:50,570 Take him to the car. 1048 01:05:50,640 --> 01:05:53,630 In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a motherfuckin' dwarf. 1049 01:05:53,710 --> 01:05:55,700 So unless you got a forklift handy, 1050 01:05:55,770 --> 01:05:57,710 maybe you should lend a hand, hmm? 1051 01:05:57,780 --> 01:05:59,840 That figures. You want all kind of set-asides. 1052 01:05:59,910 --> 01:06:01,780 Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped. 1053 01:06:01,850 --> 01:06:02,740 You all the same. 1054 01:06:02,810 --> 01:06:03,910 Special treatment? 1055 01:06:03,980 --> 01:06:06,310 I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall, you asshole! 1056 01:06:06,380 --> 01:06:07,980 It's a matter of physics. 1057 01:06:08,050 --> 01:06:10,520 Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh? 1058 01:06:10,590 --> 01:06:12,350 Bitch, bitch, bitch. 1059 01:06:12,420 --> 01:06:14,050 Sketch it up, you moron. 1060 01:06:14,130 --> 01:06:16,690 Fucking Leonardo da Vinci. 1061 01:06:17,960 --> 01:06:19,430 What you call me, thigh high? 1062 01:06:19,500 --> 01:06:21,160 I called you a fucking guinea homo 1063 01:06:21,230 --> 01:06:23,560 from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead! 1064 01:06:23,640 --> 01:06:25,730 I could stick you up my ass, small fry. 1065 01:06:25,800 --> 01:06:28,470 Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night? 1066 01:06:28,540 --> 01:06:30,370 You got some lip on you, midget. 1067 01:06:30,440 --> 01:06:33,270 Well, these lips were on your wife's pussy last night. 1068 01:06:33,340 --> 01:06:36,110 Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while? 1069 01:06:36,180 --> 01:06:37,740 Asshole. 1070 01:06:42,220 --> 01:06:43,520 I pissed my pants. 1071 01:06:43,590 --> 01:06:44,920 Oh, shut up. 1072 01:07:09,710 --> 01:07:11,610 Santa. 1073 01:07:21,290 --> 01:07:22,920 Santa? 1074 01:07:24,300 --> 01:07:25,690 What? 1075 01:07:27,000 --> 01:07:28,800 What are you doing? 1076 01:07:30,170 --> 01:07:31,640 Nothing. 1077 01:07:32,670 --> 01:07:34,640 You going to work today? 1078 01:07:38,010 --> 01:07:39,870 Not really. 1079 01:07:39,940 --> 01:07:42,670 You just gonna sit there? 1080 01:07:44,820 --> 01:07:45,750 Yeah. 1081 01:07:45,820 --> 01:07:48,510 Just let me alone, okay? 1082 01:07:51,990 --> 01:07:53,960 Hey, wait a minute. Hey, kid? 1083 01:07:54,030 --> 01:07:55,490 Yeah? 1084 01:07:59,530 --> 01:08:01,400 I want you to take this letter. 1085 01:08:01,470 --> 01:08:05,600 When the paramedics come to bag Santa up, 1086 01:08:05,670 --> 01:08:07,700 there's gonna be some cops there. 1087 01:08:07,770 --> 01:08:10,970 I want you to make sure that those cops get that envelope. 1088 01:08:11,040 --> 01:08:12,910 What is it? 1089 01:08:12,980 --> 01:08:15,970 It just tells all the bad things that... 1090 01:08:18,380 --> 01:08:20,870 What the fuck happened to your eye? 1091 01:08:22,090 --> 01:08:23,520 Fucking little prick! 1092 01:08:26,360 --> 01:08:29,120 So you like to give little kids black eyes, huh? 1093 01:08:31,630 --> 01:08:33,760 How 'bout you, huh?! You want some?! 1094 01:08:33,830 --> 01:08:36,430 Anybody else? Anybody else? Come on! 1095 01:08:36,500 --> 01:08:38,230 Yeah, there you go. 1096 01:08:56,190 --> 01:08:58,820 You know, I think I've turned a corner. 1097 01:08:59,560 --> 01:09:02,990 Yeah? You fucking petites now? 1098 01:09:03,060 --> 01:09:05,430 No. I'm not talking about that. 1099 01:09:07,530 --> 01:09:11,090 I beat the shit out of some kids today. 1100 01:09:11,170 --> 01:09:13,430 But it was for a purpose. 1101 01:09:15,810 --> 01:09:18,400 It made me feel good about myself. 1102 01:09:20,040 --> 01:09:22,600 It was like I did something constructive with my life. 1103 01:09:22,680 --> 01:09:24,440 I don't know. 1104 01:09:24,520 --> 01:09:26,850 Like I accomplished something. 1105 01:09:30,220 --> 01:09:33,090 You need many years of therapy. 1106 01:09:33,160 --> 01:09:37,220 Many, many, many fuckin' years of therapy. 1107 01:09:38,000 --> 01:09:40,560 Okay. You don't drink, which is smart on your part. 1108 01:09:40,630 --> 01:09:42,720 But being sober can put you at a disadvantage 1109 01:09:42,800 --> 01:09:44,270 when it comes to violence. 1110 01:09:44,340 --> 01:09:46,500 I can't box worth a shit, see. 1111 01:09:46,570 --> 01:09:50,410 But I'm good in a fight because I can't feel anything. 1112 01:09:50,480 --> 01:09:53,000 You, you're gonna feel everything. 1113 01:09:54,280 --> 01:09:55,750 Okay. 1114 01:09:55,810 --> 01:09:59,510 Now put your dukes up. Let me see what you got. 1115 01:09:59,580 --> 01:10:00,610 This is bullshit! 1116 01:10:00,690 --> 01:10:04,020 Give me one good reason why I should even consider doing this. 1117 01:10:04,090 --> 01:10:06,610 'Cause I let 2,000 kids spit in my face for your ass. 1118 01:10:06,690 --> 01:10:07,750 That's why. 1119 01:10:07,830 --> 01:10:09,590 Now, I'm asking you for this one thing. 1120 01:10:09,660 --> 01:10:11,360 Come on, look at the kid. 1121 01:10:12,800 --> 01:10:14,060 He is pathetic. 1122 01:10:14,130 --> 01:10:15,720 Yeah, he's just a little... 1123 01:10:15,800 --> 01:10:17,960 He's a fucking retard. 1124 01:10:19,170 --> 01:10:21,300 Yeah, let's show him a couple of things 1125 01:10:21,370 --> 01:10:22,700 so he can defend himself, then. 1126 01:10:22,770 --> 01:10:24,400 Unless you're scared. 1127 01:10:25,840 --> 01:10:27,640 All right, here's what's gonna happen. 1128 01:10:27,710 --> 01:10:29,110 Marcus is a bully, right? 1129 01:10:29,180 --> 01:10:31,150 He's gonna pull your underwear up out of your pants. 1130 01:10:31,220 --> 01:10:32,440 Now, what do you do? 1131 01:10:32,520 --> 01:10:33,580 I don't know. 1132 01:10:33,650 --> 01:10:34,910 God damn it! You don't know? 1133 01:10:34,990 --> 01:10:38,320 If somebody wants to pull your underwear up out of your pants, 1134 01:10:38,390 --> 01:10:39,580 you have to get mad. 1135 01:10:39,660 --> 01:10:41,780 Yeah, kid, come on. Get mad. 1136 01:10:41,860 --> 01:10:43,260 Scream at him. 1137 01:10:45,500 --> 01:10:46,490 Jesus fucking Christ. 1138 01:10:46,560 --> 01:10:48,900 Listen at him. He's a fucking faggot. 1139 01:10:49,800 --> 01:10:51,230 Loud! Scream! 1140 01:10:51,300 --> 01:10:53,240 Be loud! Be mean! 1141 01:10:53,300 --> 01:10:54,500 Piss him off! Come on! 1142 01:10:54,570 --> 01:10:55,800 Aah! 1143 01:11:01,210 --> 01:11:04,340 You don't hit people in the balls, 1144 01:11:04,420 --> 01:11:05,580 you asshole! 1145 01:11:05,650 --> 01:11:07,620 Aah! 1146 01:11:07,690 --> 01:11:10,020 What the fuck's wrong with you? He's just a kid. 1147 01:11:10,090 --> 01:11:11,990 - Fuck you, Willie! - Ow! 1148 01:11:12,720 --> 01:11:14,490 God damn it. 1149 01:11:14,560 --> 01:11:16,220 I told you I didn't want to do this! 1150 01:11:16,290 --> 01:11:18,260 Making me... Ohh! 1151 01:11:19,800 --> 01:11:21,700 Oh, shit. 1152 01:11:24,200 --> 01:11:27,570 Kid, maybe you shouldn't spend so much time around me. 1153 01:11:28,940 --> 01:11:31,100 You sneaky little prick. 1154 01:11:32,310 --> 01:11:34,780 Fuck you! Little bastard! 1155 01:11:34,850 --> 01:11:36,180 Get off me! 1156 01:11:43,420 --> 01:11:46,690 Shut up. That's not even what you said. 1157 01:11:46,760 --> 01:11:48,520 Oh, God damn it, I forgot about that. 1158 01:11:48,590 --> 01:11:51,220 We got a fucking nursing home around here. 1159 01:11:51,300 --> 01:11:53,420 Well, we can go in another room. 1160 01:11:58,440 --> 01:12:00,870 She does look kind of still, doesn't she? 1161 01:12:03,810 --> 01:12:05,330 Hey, Granny? 1162 01:12:08,280 --> 01:12:10,040 Hey, Granny. 1163 01:12:15,820 --> 01:12:18,080 Hey, there, Granny? 1164 01:12:18,160 --> 01:12:19,850 Oh, Granny. 1165 01:12:22,130 --> 01:12:23,090 Oh, my God. 1166 01:12:23,160 --> 01:12:24,690 What the fuck? 1167 01:12:27,200 --> 01:12:28,390 Oh, shit. 1168 01:12:31,940 --> 01:12:33,160 - Roger! - God! 1169 01:12:33,240 --> 01:12:35,830 - God damn it! Shit! - You're home. 1170 01:12:35,910 --> 01:12:39,500 - Please just tap me. - Let me fix some sandwiches. 1171 01:13:15,080 --> 01:13:16,270 Hello, little boy. 1172 01:13:16,350 --> 01:13:17,910 Hello. Santa... 1173 01:13:17,980 --> 01:13:20,710 I know that Christmas Eve is in a couple days, 1174 01:13:20,790 --> 01:13:22,340 and you have to fly around the world 1175 01:13:22,420 --> 01:13:26,580 and give presents to everyone, and you won't be around anymore. 1176 01:13:26,660 --> 01:13:27,590 Yeah? 1177 01:13:27,660 --> 01:13:30,180 So I thought I'd give you your present now. 1178 01:13:37,070 --> 01:13:38,160 What the fuck is it? 1179 01:13:38,240 --> 01:13:40,100 It's a wooden pickle. 1180 01:13:41,640 --> 01:13:44,160 - Why'd you paint it brown? - It's not paint. 1181 01:13:44,240 --> 01:13:47,640 It's blood from when I cut my hand making it for you. 1182 01:13:49,250 --> 01:13:50,480 Oh. 1183 01:13:50,550 --> 01:13:52,880 Well, shit, kid, I don't know. 1184 01:13:52,950 --> 01:13:54,610 I... 1185 01:13:56,090 --> 01:13:58,150 Thanks. 1186 01:13:58,220 --> 01:14:00,090 You're welcome. 1187 01:14:00,160 --> 01:14:01,590 Good night, Santa. 1188 01:14:03,330 --> 01:14:06,490 Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister. 1189 01:14:07,270 --> 01:14:09,130 Good night, sweetie. 1190 01:14:11,600 --> 01:14:13,540 Oh, my God. 1191 01:14:13,600 --> 01:14:15,040 That was so sweet. 1192 01:14:15,110 --> 01:14:18,080 He's a really sweet kid, isn't he? 1193 01:14:18,140 --> 01:14:20,300 Yeah, I guess so. 1194 01:14:23,110 --> 01:14:25,050 Come on, baby. 1195 01:14:25,780 --> 01:14:27,340 Come here. 1196 01:14:28,720 --> 01:14:30,210 What? 1197 01:14:30,290 --> 01:14:32,480 Oh, nothing. I'm all right. 1198 01:14:36,330 --> 01:14:38,390 Just a little tired. 1199 01:14:38,460 --> 01:14:40,290 Oh. 1200 01:14:50,170 --> 01:14:51,370 Santa! 1201 01:14:51,440 --> 01:14:53,640 God damn it! Whoa! Shit! 1202 01:14:53,710 --> 01:14:55,940 Want to see my report card? 1203 01:14:56,010 --> 01:14:57,840 You scared the holy shit out of me. 1204 01:14:57,920 --> 01:14:59,180 Think I did good? 1205 01:14:59,250 --> 01:15:02,310 How would I know? I haven't seen the fuckin' thing yet. 1206 01:15:07,290 --> 01:15:08,760 Who the fuck is Thurman? 1207 01:15:08,830 --> 01:15:11,490 - Is your name Thurman? - Yeah. 1208 01:15:13,360 --> 01:15:14,730 Thurman Merman? 1209 01:15:14,800 --> 01:15:16,360 Yeah. 1210 01:15:18,000 --> 01:15:19,560 Jesus. 1211 01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:21,400 So, you think I did good? 1212 01:15:24,110 --> 01:15:27,540 What do you care what I think, anyway? 1213 01:15:27,610 --> 01:15:29,740 Hell, I guess you did better than I did. 1214 01:15:29,810 --> 01:15:32,180 I never got any B's. 1215 01:15:32,250 --> 01:15:34,770 I thought maybe at least since I did good in school, 1216 01:15:34,850 --> 01:15:36,410 maybe you'd bring me a present. 1217 01:15:36,490 --> 01:15:38,350 'Cause last year and the year before that, 1218 01:15:38,420 --> 01:15:40,550 you didn't bring me any presents. 1219 01:15:43,630 --> 01:15:45,960 Even though I'm a dipshit loser. 1220 01:15:50,200 --> 01:15:52,360 Jesus fucking Christ, kid! 1221 01:15:52,440 --> 01:15:55,500 Why do you talk about yourself that way?! 1222 01:15:55,570 --> 01:15:58,740 Let me give you some news. I'm not Santa Claus, all right? 1223 01:15:58,810 --> 01:16:01,300 Take a look at me. Do I look like Santa Claus? 1224 01:16:01,380 --> 01:16:03,850 As a matter of fact, I'm living fucking proof 1225 01:16:03,910 --> 01:16:06,140 that there's not a Santa Claus. 1226 01:16:06,880 --> 01:16:09,050 I know there's no Santa. 1227 01:16:09,120 --> 01:16:11,550 I just thought maybe you'd want to give me a present 1228 01:16:11,620 --> 01:16:13,320 'cause we're friends. 1229 01:16:38,220 --> 01:16:39,480 There he is. 1230 01:16:39,550 --> 01:16:43,350 That lousy, leather-faced, frog-eyed, motherfucker. 1231 01:16:43,420 --> 01:16:45,720 - Good night, Gin. - Good night. 1232 01:17:17,820 --> 01:17:19,850 Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph. 1233 01:17:19,920 --> 01:17:21,220 What is the problem now? 1234 01:17:21,290 --> 01:17:22,990 I'm sorry. The van stalled. 1235 01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:26,360 Will you give us a jump, please? 1236 01:17:26,430 --> 01:17:28,330 I'll be dipped in dog shit. 1237 01:17:28,400 --> 01:17:30,460 Do I look like an auto mechanic to you? 1238 01:17:37,740 --> 01:17:39,710 I appreciate it. 1239 01:17:42,310 --> 01:17:44,940 All right, small fry, help yourself. 1240 01:17:49,550 --> 01:17:50,650 I can't reach it. 1241 01:17:50,720 --> 01:17:52,380 Jesus Christ, give me that. 1242 01:17:52,460 --> 01:17:53,650 Thanks. 1243 01:17:56,060 --> 01:17:57,030 All right, hit it. 1244 01:18:27,830 --> 01:18:30,850 Oh, my. What a terrible accident. 1245 01:18:30,930 --> 01:18:32,050 Mm-mm-mmm. 1246 01:18:32,130 --> 01:18:33,490 - Is he dead? - No. 1247 01:18:33,560 --> 01:18:35,930 But it looks like you broke most of his ribs. 1248 01:18:36,000 --> 01:18:40,630 I'd say maybe 50% of them, or do you think 30%? 1249 01:18:40,700 --> 01:18:42,430 I needed more of a running start. 1250 01:18:42,510 --> 01:18:44,770 I couldn't build up enough speed. 1251 01:19:00,820 --> 01:19:03,050 Merry Christmas Eve. 1252 01:19:03,930 --> 01:19:06,620 Got you a little something. 1253 01:19:06,700 --> 01:19:08,560 You shouldn't have. 1254 01:19:08,630 --> 01:19:10,930 You should put that stuff in the kitchen. 1255 01:19:13,700 --> 01:19:16,000 God damn, you look good. 1256 01:19:20,640 --> 01:19:23,340 Here you go. 1257 01:19:24,750 --> 01:19:28,240 Little behind there, sweetie? 1258 01:19:28,320 --> 01:19:30,620 We don't need any more of this shit. 1259 01:19:30,690 --> 01:19:34,720 "Christmas keeps us connected to each other in peace. 1260 01:19:34,790 --> 01:19:38,490 The angel is going to tell everyone in the world." 1261 01:19:43,070 --> 01:19:44,300 Aspirin? 1262 01:21:11,360 --> 01:21:12,750 Shit! 1263 01:21:12,820 --> 01:21:14,450 Jesus. 1264 01:21:16,990 --> 01:21:18,050 Santa? 1265 01:21:20,100 --> 01:21:22,790 - What? - I was gonna make sandwiches. 1266 01:21:22,870 --> 01:21:25,490 I could make you one before you leave. 1267 01:21:27,870 --> 01:21:29,810 Listen, kid, I don't know. 1268 01:21:29,870 --> 01:21:32,970 I got shit to do and everything. 1269 01:21:37,920 --> 01:21:40,040 Okay, make me some sandwiches. 1270 01:21:40,120 --> 01:21:42,240 I gotta go to the mall and talk to somebody. 1271 01:21:42,320 --> 01:21:43,380 I'll be back. 1272 01:21:43,450 --> 01:21:44,250 For dinner? 1273 01:21:44,320 --> 01:21:46,150 Yeah, that's what I said. Yeah. 1274 01:21:46,220 --> 01:21:48,320 How many sandwiches do you want? 1275 01:21:49,230 --> 01:21:51,420 Uh, a bunch. 1276 01:21:51,500 --> 01:21:53,550 How much lettuce do you want? 1277 01:21:56,200 --> 01:21:58,000 I don't know. The usual amount. 1278 01:21:58,070 --> 01:22:00,160 Whatever the hell people do. Whatever you think. 1279 01:22:00,240 --> 01:22:01,570 Okay. 1280 01:22:19,960 --> 01:22:20,750 Have a very merry Christmas. 1281 01:22:20,790 --> 01:22:22,520 - Merry Christmas. - Good night. 1282 01:22:22,590 --> 01:22:23,920 Merry Christmas. 1283 01:22:23,990 --> 01:22:25,120 Good night. 1284 01:22:25,200 --> 01:22:26,790 - Good night. - Okay! Happy holiday! 1285 01:22:26,860 --> 01:22:28,330 Attention, shoppers. 1286 01:22:28,400 --> 01:22:30,730 The store will be closing in five minutes. 1287 01:22:30,800 --> 01:22:32,530 We wish you all a merry Christmas, 1288 01:22:32,600 --> 01:22:35,830 a happy Hanukkah, and a joyous Kwanzaa. 1289 01:22:51,560 --> 01:22:54,490 All right, hold it steady. 1290 01:22:58,100 --> 01:23:01,060 Oh, yeah, shit, let's do it. 1291 01:23:02,070 --> 01:23:03,430 Oh, Christ. 1292 01:23:08,570 --> 01:23:09,560 Merry Christmas. 1293 01:23:11,110 --> 01:23:12,510 Good night. 1294 01:23:13,780 --> 01:23:15,840 Merry Christmas, Willie. 1295 01:23:15,910 --> 01:23:17,540 Up your ass. 1296 01:23:44,370 --> 01:23:46,100 Aaaah! 1297 01:23:49,080 --> 01:23:50,480 Whoa! 1298 01:24:16,910 --> 01:24:18,340 Oh, shit. 1299 01:24:19,610 --> 01:24:20,670 What? 1300 01:24:24,780 --> 01:24:26,080 What? 1301 01:24:26,150 --> 01:24:28,240 It's a Kitnerboy Redoubt. 1302 01:24:28,320 --> 01:24:29,010 So? 1303 01:24:29,090 --> 01:24:30,310 Remember Andy Pitz? 1304 01:24:30,390 --> 01:24:31,680 Andy Pitzorella? Yeah. 1305 01:24:31,760 --> 01:24:32,920 No, Andy Ripitski. 1306 01:24:32,990 --> 01:24:34,860 Andy Pitzorella was Andy Blue Balls. 1307 01:24:34,930 --> 01:24:37,160 Since he got married, they call him Andy Pitzorella. 1308 01:24:37,230 --> 01:24:38,990 What's your fucking point?! 1309 01:24:39,060 --> 01:24:40,760 They say he can get into anything. 1310 01:24:40,830 --> 01:24:42,770 Anything. 1311 01:24:42,830 --> 01:24:45,130 They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy. 1312 01:24:45,200 --> 01:24:46,570 And that's a good thing? 1313 01:24:46,640 --> 01:24:48,300 So what the fuck are you getting at? 1314 01:24:48,370 --> 01:24:49,860 When I was in the joint with him, 1315 01:24:49,940 --> 01:24:53,600 he told me that the Kitnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked. 1316 01:24:53,680 --> 01:24:56,510 Are you shittin' me? 1317 01:24:56,580 --> 01:24:59,070 Are you telling me that after I propped you up, 1318 01:24:59,150 --> 01:25:01,850 held you together, smiled for all those kids, 1319 01:25:01,920 --> 01:25:04,110 danced for all those fucking housewives 1320 01:25:04,190 --> 01:25:07,420 in a fucking lime-green, fucking velvet elf costume, 1321 01:25:07,490 --> 01:25:09,620 that you cannot get in this fucking safe?! 1322 01:25:09,690 --> 01:25:12,390 Is that what you're telling me?! Huh?! 1323 01:25:12,460 --> 01:25:16,230 No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute. 1324 01:25:39,620 --> 01:25:41,220 Fuck. 1325 01:25:51,540 --> 01:25:52,560 Shit. 1326 01:25:52,640 --> 01:25:54,330 34C. 1327 01:26:38,950 --> 01:26:40,110 Fuck! 1328 01:27:13,150 --> 01:27:14,810 Piece of cake. 1329 01:27:16,490 --> 01:27:19,220 I gotta get one more thing. I'll be right back. 1330 01:27:42,450 --> 01:27:44,780 Oh, shit. Which one did he say? 1331 01:28:03,400 --> 01:28:06,200 I'll bet the store dick don't want this. 1332 01:28:06,270 --> 01:28:08,640 Store dick don't want shit. 1333 01:28:11,140 --> 01:28:13,110 What do you mean? 1334 01:28:13,180 --> 01:28:15,040 Store dick's dead. 1335 01:28:15,110 --> 01:28:17,580 Store dick don't want shit. 1336 01:28:18,920 --> 01:28:20,750 He's dead, huh? 1337 01:28:23,190 --> 01:28:25,450 I didn't even know he was sick. 1338 01:28:25,520 --> 01:28:27,050 Willie... 1339 01:28:27,120 --> 01:28:29,590 this has been a long time coming. 1340 01:28:29,660 --> 01:28:33,600 Every year, you're worse. Every year, less reliable. 1341 01:28:33,660 --> 01:28:36,060 More booze. More bullshit. 1342 01:28:36,130 --> 01:28:37,600 More buttfucking. 1343 01:28:37,670 --> 01:28:41,000 Sure, the three B's. 1344 01:28:41,070 --> 01:28:43,670 You gotta be able to rely, Willie. 1345 01:28:46,340 --> 01:28:48,830 You people are monsters. 1346 01:28:48,910 --> 01:28:51,240 There's no joy in this for me. 1347 01:28:54,750 --> 01:28:56,950 I'm not talking about you taking me out. 1348 01:28:57,020 --> 01:28:58,920 That part, I get. 1349 01:29:02,560 --> 01:29:04,390 But look at all that shit. 1350 01:29:06,760 --> 01:29:09,730 Do you really need all that shit? 1351 01:29:11,400 --> 01:29:13,530 For Christ sakes, it's Christmas. 1352 01:29:13,600 --> 01:29:15,260 It is Christmas, Willie. 1353 01:29:15,340 --> 01:29:16,900 But this is what we do. 1354 01:29:16,970 --> 01:29:19,200 We get the shit. 1355 01:29:19,280 --> 01:29:22,400 Christmastime, we get the shit. 1356 01:29:22,480 --> 01:29:25,640 Because we are men and Lois. 1357 01:29:28,190 --> 01:29:29,810 It is Christmas, Willie. 1358 01:29:29,890 --> 01:29:31,950 And we are men and Lois. 1359 01:29:33,460 --> 01:29:35,290 What you waiting for, honey? 1360 01:29:35,360 --> 01:29:38,330 Come on, plug him. 1361 01:29:42,230 --> 01:29:44,130 Goodbye, Willie. 1362 01:29:46,470 --> 01:29:47,990 - Drop the gun. - Huh?! 1363 01:29:49,310 --> 01:29:51,330 And you, Santa, drop the elephant. 1364 01:29:51,410 --> 01:29:53,310 - Where did you come from? - Tipped off. 1365 01:29:53,380 --> 01:29:55,070 Shit, that fucking kid. 1366 01:29:55,150 --> 01:29:57,940 All three of you are in so much shit, it's almost unbelievable. 1367 01:29:59,380 --> 01:30:01,250 Marcus, hop on! 1368 01:30:21,470 --> 01:30:23,560 Fuck me. 1369 01:30:57,810 --> 01:30:58,970 Hey, hey! 1370 01:31:20,160 --> 01:31:23,620 This is Christmas, and the kid's getting his fucking present. 1371 01:31:47,520 --> 01:31:50,220 Halt, police! Put your hands up! 1372 01:31:50,290 --> 01:31:52,890 I said freeze! Freeze! 1373 01:31:59,470 --> 01:32:03,270 - Aaaah! - Aaaah! 1374 01:32:46,550 --> 01:32:48,480 "Dear kid... 1375 01:32:48,550 --> 01:32:50,280 I hope that you got my present 1376 01:32:50,350 --> 01:32:52,650 and that there wasn't too much blood on it, 1377 01:32:52,720 --> 01:32:55,120 although there was blood on the present you gave me, 1378 01:32:55,190 --> 01:32:56,950 which didn't keep me from enjoying it. 1379 01:32:57,030 --> 01:33:00,090 So maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess." 1380 01:33:02,330 --> 01:33:05,430 "Anyway, just in case they took it as evidence, 1381 01:33:05,500 --> 01:33:07,830 I'm also sending you a T-shirt. 1382 01:33:07,900 --> 01:33:10,400 I hope it's the right size." 1383 01:33:11,040 --> 01:33:12,440 "I'm healing up good, 1384 01:33:12,510 --> 01:33:15,270 and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, 1385 01:33:15,350 --> 01:33:17,210 even with 8 bullets dug out of me, 1386 01:33:17,280 --> 01:33:19,310 because they didn't hit any vital organs, 1387 01:33:19,380 --> 01:33:22,040 just my liver, which is fucked anyway. 1388 01:33:22,120 --> 01:33:23,780 Ha ha ha. 1389 01:33:23,850 --> 01:33:26,050 Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. 1390 01:33:26,120 --> 01:33:28,890 I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did 1391 01:33:28,960 --> 01:33:31,390 or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass. 1392 01:33:31,460 --> 01:33:32,760 Now the cops know I wrote it, 1393 01:33:32,830 --> 01:33:34,800 which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. 1394 01:33:34,860 --> 01:33:36,350 That, plus everyone agreeing 1395 01:33:36,430 --> 01:33:38,960 that the Phoenix police shooting an unarmed Santa 1396 01:33:39,040 --> 01:33:41,600 was even more fucked up than Rodney King." 1397 01:33:42,610 --> 01:33:44,900 "The cops are treating me like fucking royalty now, 1398 01:33:44,970 --> 01:33:46,530 which is new in my experience. 1399 01:33:46,610 --> 01:33:48,600 They're gonna make me a sensitivity counselor 1400 01:33:48,680 --> 01:33:50,040 so that tragedies like this 1401 01:33:50,110 --> 01:33:52,980 will never again embarrass the whole fucking department. 1402 01:33:53,050 --> 01:33:56,080 I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you, 1403 01:33:56,150 --> 01:33:58,350 so they set it up with Mrs. Santa's sister 1404 01:33:58,420 --> 01:33:59,910 watching you till your dad gets back 1405 01:33:59,990 --> 01:34:01,420 in one year and three months. 1406 01:34:01,490 --> 01:34:04,430 They made her a guardian pro tem or some such shit. 1407 01:34:04,490 --> 01:34:07,730 Anyway, she seems to like you and your house and Jacuzzi. 1408 01:34:07,800 --> 01:34:09,030 I sent her some money, 1409 01:34:09,100 --> 01:34:10,500 so if you play your cards right, 1410 01:34:10,570 --> 01:34:13,730 you can probably get her to buy you something. 1411 01:34:13,800 --> 01:34:16,240 As for my little helper, I'm sorry to have to tell you 1412 01:34:16,310 --> 01:34:18,500 that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife 1413 01:34:18,580 --> 01:34:20,840 are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad. 1414 01:34:20,910 --> 01:34:23,210 I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them 1415 01:34:23,280 --> 01:34:24,510 like I did. 1416 01:34:24,580 --> 01:34:27,350 They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon, 1417 01:34:27,420 --> 01:34:29,510 so get some sandwiches ready. 1418 01:34:29,590 --> 01:34:32,680 Until then, don't take no shit from nobody, 1419 01:34:32,760 --> 01:34:34,350 least of all yourself. 1420 01:34:34,420 --> 01:34:36,480 Ho ho ho. 1421 01:34:36,560 --> 01:34:39,320 Your pal, Santa." 1422 01:34:42,300 --> 01:34:43,420 Hey, loser. 1423 01:34:45,100 --> 01:34:48,470 I hear your buddy's not here to protect you anymore. 1424 01:34:50,140 --> 01:34:52,370 See you got me a new bike. 1425 01:34:52,440 --> 01:34:54,210 Thanks a lot. 1426 01:34:54,880 --> 01:34:56,610 I'm talking to you, fat-ass! 1427 01:34:56,680 --> 01:34:58,410 Aaah! 99048