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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,418 --> 00:00:02,169 Well, here it is, my last tip. 2 00:00:02,335 --> 00:00:03,670 Only $2. 3 00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:07,216 And to think, I held in a fart for those cheap bastards. 4 00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:08,926 This night sucks. 5 00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:11,721 We don't even have enough to buy supplies for tomorrow. 6 00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:14,932 We'll just have to go to that store where everything is free. 7 00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:18,393 Oh, good, they're open. 8 00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:22,231 And we have to sneak this stuff out. Han is staying late to do inventory. 9 00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:25,317 Damn it. Why does he always have to be so Asian? 10 00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:28,027 What do we need for our cupcake shop? Eggs, sugar-- 11 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:29,612 A stripper pole? 12 00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:31,740 Do you wanna make money or not? 13 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:33,616 How are we gonna hide these eggs? 14 00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:35,869 You could put some of those Grade A large... 15 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,829 ...where there's Grade A itty-bitties. 16 00:00:38,414 --> 00:00:40,332 Rude, but I don't hate it. 17 00:00:41,292 --> 00:00:43,543 I can probably fit four to six in each. 18 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:47,673 So positive. I love that you're a "cup's half full" kind of person. 19 00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,345 So come here often? 20 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:57,182 This is my first time. 21 00:00:57,348 --> 00:00:59,976 -Well, you're very pretty. -Thank you. 22 00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:02,353 Heads up. Han's coming your way. 23 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:04,105 Should I fake a stroke? 24 00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:08,611 And PS, if I don't get up in three minutes, it's a real one. 25 00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:10,320 No, I'll deal with him. 26 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:12,198 You keep going. 27 00:01:18,204 --> 00:01:20,789 Keep it up, and we'll have an answer to the question: 28 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:23,584 What comes first, the chicken or the Oleg? 29 00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:39,098 Here you go. 30 00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:41,519 I just found the greatest thing online. 31 00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:45,146 Ultrasound of the Kim and Kanye baby where someone Photoshopped a 666... 32 00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:47,149 ...on its little baby butt? 33 00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:51,152 Wait, this kid is half Kardashian. It's big baby butt. 34 00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:54,323 Wow, that baby's already famous for doing nothing... 35 00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,575 ...just like its mom. 36 00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:01,704 No, what I found is a site where we can apply for a small business grant. 37 00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:04,040 A couple of categories: women-owned business-- 38 00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:07,710 No, thanks. I've been to jail. I was already owned by a woman. 39 00:02:08,711 --> 00:02:12,132 There's also a minority-owned category. You don't know your father. 40 00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:15,385 You have an exotic look. Any chance he could be Native American? 41 00:02:15,593 --> 00:02:19,306 Yes. In fact, I think his name was Chief Running Away. 42 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:22,560 Wait. Maybe we don't even need your father. 43 00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:25,937 We are white, which, according to the last presidential election... 44 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,355 ...is the new minority. 45 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:30,526 So now, all we need is a letter of recommendation... 46 00:02:30,693 --> 00:02:32,902 ...from someone who owns another start-up. 47 00:02:33,111 --> 00:02:36,156 I was thinking Candy Andy's Sweets and Treats. 48 00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:39,742 I've already written it. He just has to sign it. Will you ask Andy? 49 00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:41,245 I can't. He's my ex. 50 00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:44,414 And I'm saving up my favor for a booty call on a cold night. 51 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:49,502 I hate asking men for things: favors, last names, to stop. 52 00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:54,216 Excuse me, can I get some more Sweet'N Low? 53 00:02:54,425 --> 00:02:56,301 In your purse, where I saw you put them. 54 00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:58,137 I'm so embarrassed. 55 00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:00,681 Don't be. I wasn't when I stole them last night. 56 00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,810 -What did Andy say? -He's gone. 57 00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:07,645 -For lunch? -Forever. The man is gone. 58 00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:13,068 His store is empty. 59 00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:15,194 Oh, my God. This is so sad. 60 00:03:15,403 --> 00:03:18,282 I know, there goes the candy. 61 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:21,492 And my booty call. 62 00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:23,329 He didn't even leave a note? 63 00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:25,413 Or a Razzle? 64 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,626 Forget the candy. Are we not gonna talk about the fact... 65 00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:31,295 ...my ex-boyfriend left without so much as a peep? 66 00:03:31,502 --> 00:03:33,796 Great. Now I want Peeps. 67 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,800 Hey, Max. Is today the day we're gonna get married? 68 00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:41,096 Sure, Amir. My dream in life is to be detained for four hours... 69 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,680 ...on our honeymoon flight. 70 00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:47,686 Max, you do know I was born in this country, right? 71 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:51,689 You were born here? How old are you? About Zero Dark Thirty? 72 00:03:53,317 --> 00:03:56,527 Yeah, and you were born in a Walmart, right? 73 00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:00,366 Where do you think the expression "clean up on aisle 12" comes from? 74 00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:04,118 Caroline, bummed you drove your boyfriend out of town? 75 00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:06,538 For the record, I did not chase Andy away. 76 00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:08,206 We ended our relationship well. 77 00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:11,585 Right. That's why I helped him move out in the middle of the night. 78 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:14,420 Man, you messed that up. So self-involved. 79 00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:17,091 Wow. Coming in a little hot, Amir. 80 00:04:17,298 --> 00:04:21,261 Yeah, guns ablazing, if I was allowed to carry them. 81 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,473 Oh, Amir, you're the bomb. 82 00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:28,226 Look at us. We're like Homeland, if it was a rom-com. 83 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:34,066 You don't have to read it. It's a standard letter of recommendation. 84 00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:36,110 Don't be a bitch. Just sign it. 85 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:40,322 I'm not comfortable putting my name on a document I haven't read. 86 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:43,533 I understand, but don't be a bitch. Just sign it. 87 00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:48,372 "Max's Homemade Cupcakes is an up-and-coming powerhouse business." 88 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:49,915 I can't sign this. 89 00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:53,711 This has more lies than my OkCupid profile. 90 00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:57,338 Don't be a bitch. Just sign it. 91 00:04:57,548 --> 00:04:59,298 That one's on me, girls. 92 00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:02,970 If I sign this, it's lying. I could get deported... 93 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:06,764 ...and I'm one home inspection away from a poodle adoption. 94 00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:09,893 A poodle? That's cool. You can share sweaters. 95 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:14,148 Hurry up, bitch. The deadline to mail that is tonight. 96 00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:16,649 Well, if you just wanted to steamroll someone... 97 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,028 ...why didn't you get Andy to sign it? 98 00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:21,779 They split. He left last night without a peep. 99 00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:25,074 Damn it, now I'm thinking about those Peeps again. 100 00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,536 Oh, I was worried you two wouldn't make it. 101 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,788 You always have your mind on business... 102 00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:32,081 ...and Andy was such an easy spirit. 103 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,000 I think you mean free spirit. 104 00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:37,963 Easy Spirit is a shoe worn by people whose spirits have died. 105 00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:39,882 I have two pairs. 106 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:42,968 Fine. Give it back. I'll find someone else with a business. 107 00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:45,971 What about Sophie? She owns a small business... 108 00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:50,558 ...and she loves to give, not as much as she loves to receive. 109 00:05:51,185 --> 00:05:54,980 I'm not so sure Sophie's cleaning business is totally, well, legal. 110 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:56,355 When we worked for her... 111 00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:59,651 ...on the memo line of our paycheck, she wrote "colonoscopy." 112 00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:03,572 And for the record, Sophie's cleaning business is totally legit. 113 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:06,074 Her organ-trading might not be. 114 00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:09,286 Forget it, Caroline. 115 00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:13,790 We might deport you ourselves. All we need is a FedEx box. 116 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:19,420 Uh, Caroline, come over here. I think I can help you with that. 117 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:21,673 Earl, you don't have a small business. 118 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:25,593 Oh, the size of my business has never been in question. 119 00:06:29,098 --> 00:06:31,100 And I may not have a business... 120 00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:35,978 ...but Han Lee does. 121 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,526 Max, look, Earl forged Han's signature. 122 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:42,528 That's what his signature looks like. 123 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:45,781 When I forge it, I just draw a picture of Hello Kitty. 124 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,127 You wanna know your future? 125 00:06:58,709 --> 00:07:00,045 Oh, no. No, thanks. 126 00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:02,798 You sure? I have a message about your love life. 127 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,050 Ten dollars. 128 00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:15,018 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 129 00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,644 CAROLINE: Are you asleep? 130 00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:20,149 Max? Max, I really need to talk. 131 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,151 Oh, just come in and get it over with. 132 00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,362 Everybody else does. 133 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:30,242 Max, I'm sorry, but I really need to talk. I went to the fortune-teller near the diner. 134 00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:32,702 She told me that I'd never find love in my life. 135 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,663 Fortune-telling is a scam. 136 00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:36,038 "You'll never find a man. 137 00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:38,792 Your moon's in Uranus. No man will ever be in Uranus." 138 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,461 I could have told you that the second day I met you. 139 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:45,132 Please, Max, just listen for five minutes. Come. I'll make you some tea. 140 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,675 Tea? Who am I, Pippa Middleton? 141 00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,846 Toast me an Eggo waffle and maybe I'm listening. 142 00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:54,932 Well, we were saving that waffle for a special occasion, but okay. 143 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,603 Chestnut, we're eating your birthday waffle now. 144 00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:02,690 I don't know why I'm pissing him off. He's gonna be the only man in my life. 145 00:08:02,858 --> 00:08:06,360 I can't believe you blew $10 on a psychic. 146 00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:08,613 Why didn't you buy a Skinnygirl Margarita... 147 00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:11,074 ...like all the other lonely white chicks? 148 00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:12,867 I spent 50. 149 00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:15,870 I bought a crystal that protects me from bad juju. 150 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:19,332 Hey, there's no reason to get anti-Semitic. 151 00:08:19,875 --> 00:08:22,418 You spent money on crystal you can't snort? 152 00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:23,961 What is wrong with you? 153 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,507 I freaked out. I didn't want it to be true. 154 00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:30,968 Is it true, Max? Am I never gonna find love? Was Andy my one chance? 155 00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:34,139 Did I screw it up because I wanted success? Was everyone right? 156 00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:37,893 That is a lot of questions for one waffle. 157 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:41,520 And where is that waffle? You're a bad waitress at home too. 158 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:42,980 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 159 00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:44,316 Who could that be? 160 00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:46,817 I don't know, let me consult the spirits. 161 00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:48,903 Who is it? 162 00:08:49,278 --> 00:08:51,822 It's Sophie. 163 00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:54,243 Yeah, it's me. 164 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:58,288 The shady lady with the illegal business. 165 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,749 Yeah, and, Caroline, you owe me an apology... 166 00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:05,379 ...or I will take out these hoops and we will get into it, girl. 167 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:11,009 Yeah, and I warn you, I did some extreme fighting in Warsaw. 168 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:13,052 Extreme fighting. That's awesome. 169 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,431 Yeah. They would throw big hunk of cheese in a trough... 170 00:09:16,597 --> 00:09:20,184 ...and let all the village girls just go at it. 171 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:22,312 Sorry, Sophie. 172 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:25,899 It just seemed like a better business decision to go with the forgery. 173 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,110 What is that? 174 00:09:28,277 --> 00:09:31,153 Is that a waffle? 175 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,991 (CHUCKLING) Okay, you are forgiven. 176 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,244 Damn it. I didn't even get a bite. 177 00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:39,203 I'm awake and sober for nothing. 178 00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:41,789 Sophie, do you believe in psychics? 179 00:09:41,999 --> 00:09:44,250 Oh, no, that's all fake. 180 00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:46,836 You know, I knew a family of gypsy psychics... 181 00:09:47,004 --> 00:09:50,881 ...who couldn't even predict that they would all die in a barn fire. 182 00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:53,677 Hey, girls. Sorry to interrupt... 183 00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,721 ...but Sophie promised to rub antifungal cream... 184 00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:59,307 ...on my thick yellow toenails. 185 00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:03,186 Oleg, come over here. I'll do it in between bites. 186 00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:06,940 This is what you're afraid you're missing? 187 00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:09,317 Because this is a relationship. 188 00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:11,945 Seriously, Max, that's something I really want. 189 00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:13,739 And now I'm never gonna have it. 190 00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:17,743 Get in there, baby. I have two feet. 191 00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:20,912 (BELL RINGS) 192 00:10:21,078 --> 00:10:23,456 Interesting. She's a psychic... 193 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,668 ...but she needs a bell to tell her someone's here. 194 00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:27,918 (DOOR CLOSES THEN BELL RINGS AGAIN) 195 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:31,340 Max, please don't make me do this. I don't wanna hear any more bad things. 196 00:10:31,505 --> 00:10:33,216 Nothing bad is gonna happen. 197 00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:36,302 She's gonna tell you you have a bright, love-filled future... 198 00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:38,846 ...or I'm gonna kick her in the crystal balls. 199 00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:43,100 Hello, girls. I'll tell you your future as soon as I finish eating. 200 00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:44,477 It'll only take a minute. 201 00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:47,647 Since I quit smoking, I eat like a prisoner. 202 00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:51,525 Come, sit, ruminate on your wishes and dreams. 203 00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:55,404 Well, my wish is that you give my friend her money back... 204 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:59,368 ...and my dream is that I'm a backup dancer for Missy Elliott. 205 00:11:00,284 --> 00:11:02,995 Great. A wiseass. 206 00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:05,164 Do you wanna know your future or not? 207 00:11:05,374 --> 00:11:07,918 Um, you told me my future. That's why we're here. 208 00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:09,668 You said I'd never find love. 209 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:11,797 When did I say that? 210 00:11:12,089 --> 00:11:15,091 And you, tough guy, don't say, "Well, you're the psychic." 211 00:11:15,549 --> 00:11:16,884 Maybe she is a psychic... 212 00:11:17,052 --> 00:11:20,514 ...because I am a tough guy, and I was gonna say that. 213 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:24,267 You know, it's hard to remember. I see a lot of sad single girls. 214 00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:27,895 But looking at you right now, it makes sense. 215 00:11:28,230 --> 00:11:30,606 And here, take your phony crystal back. 216 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:32,650 I'm not so sure this is a real crystal. 217 00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:35,821 It looks like one of those vegan deodorant things. 218 00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:38,197 And we want our money. 219 00:11:38,407 --> 00:11:39,698 Pssht. 220 00:11:40,908 --> 00:11:44,620 Oh, okay. What just happened? 221 00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:47,206 I put a curse on you. 222 00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:49,918 Max, you said nothing bad was gonna happen. 223 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,547 Well, I'm not a psychic, and neither is she. 224 00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:57,801 Laugh, buster. Nothing in life will go your way... 225 00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:00,010 ...and you will live under a dark cloud. 226 00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:04,850 Will this dark cloud merge with the current dark cloud above me... 227 00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:08,019 ...or fly alongside of it? 228 00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:11,273 We don't wanna trouble you, but if you could remove the curse... 229 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,109 ...and possibly that noodle on your blouse.... 230 00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:16,235 Pssht. 231 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:21,658 -Oh, no. Did you just-- -Cursed you too. 232 00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:25,327 Tell you what, I'll lift both curses for 50... 233 00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:29,624 ...or else your whole life will come crashing down all around you. 234 00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:33,544 The only way I'm giving a strange woman 50 bucks... 235 00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:36,673 ...is if I'm walking out of here with a genital piercing. 236 00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:40,092 I do that as well. 237 00:12:44,346 --> 00:12:46,725 Don't believe in curses, never have. 238 00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:50,562 Not since Jennifer Martin told me I was going to hell for sleeping with her boyfriend. 239 00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:52,980 I didn't. I just went to homecoming with him. 240 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:56,275 Max, we have to go back and pay her. Our lives are hard enough. 241 00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:58,778 We don't need things to come crashing down. 242 00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:01,822 Relax. Nothing's coming crashing down around us. 243 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,909 WOMAN: Don't jump, Paul! Paul, don't jump! 244 00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:07,203 Paul? Who's Paul? 245 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,914 Oh, and what is he doing on the roof? 246 00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:11,666 (MAX SCREAMS) 247 00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:17,004 Okay. That was Paul's life that came crashing down. 248 00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:18,215 Not ours. 249 00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:25,931 Max, we all know I'm a highly educated woman who doesn't believe in curses... 250 00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:29,392 ...but I'm putting every penny we make in the Lift the Curse Fund. 251 00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:32,019 And I'm gonna tell you one more time... 252 00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:35,190 ...we're not spending another 50 bucks on some stupid curse. 253 00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:38,985 A body fell from the sky! 254 00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:44,073 Paul got a bad batch of shrooms. It had nothing to do with the curse. 255 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:48,787 Everyone knows you don't take psychedelics above the second floor. 256 00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,871 Poor amateur bastard. 257 00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:52,874 And we need our money for essentials... 258 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:57,671 ...like food and the penguin statue I saw at the dollar store. 259 00:13:57,836 --> 00:14:00,256 The one that says "chill out." 260 00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:01,841 So chill out. 261 00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:07,639 Caroline, I feel bad about not signing your letter of recommendation... 262 00:14:07,846 --> 00:14:11,225 ...so I wrote one myself and signed it. Here. 263 00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:13,061 That's so nice of you. 264 00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:15,980 "The extremely hard-working Caroline Channing... 265 00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:20,652 ...who has devoted her life to business and nothing and no one else--" 266 00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:24,739 Han, this is supposed to be about getting a loan, not being alone. 267 00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:27,616 I totally get it, girl. I'm alone as well. 268 00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:30,828 We have our eyes on the prize, so our beds are empty. 269 00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:33,498 But occasionally, I pay for it. 270 00:14:39,504 --> 00:14:44,634 Did Han just intimate that he occasionally gets a hooker? 271 00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:47,761 Lucky bastard. 272 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:52,392 He probably gets a child's discount. 273 00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:56,730 Max, look, the future's already happening. 274 00:14:56,895 --> 00:14:58,480 Even in Han's letter, I'm alone. 275 00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:02,735 The only chance for a love life I have is going halvsies on a hooker with Han. 276 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,988 We have to reverse the curse now. 277 00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:08,033 News flash, everybody's cursed. 278 00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:10,076 You lost your money last year. 279 00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:13,871 Literally nothing good has ever happened to me. 280 00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,292 Han hasn't grown since the fourth grade. 281 00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:21,296 Oleg's toenails look like Fritos... 282 00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,213 ...and Earl was born black... 283 00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:27,594 ...at the eighth or ninth worst time to be a black man in America. 284 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:31,014 Look around. It's the valley of the damned. 285 00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:33,892 Name one person who isn't cursed. 286 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:38,687 Hey, guys, I just found a $100 bill on the sidewalk. 287 00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,565 Drinks for everyone. 288 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,234 Max, pop open the fancy brandy. 289 00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:48,114 Fancy Brandy is gonna be my stripper name if you ever let me put in that pole. 290 00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:49,448 Sophie, guess what? 291 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,869 We went back to that psychic to complain and she put a curse on us. 292 00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:54,953 Oh. 293 00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,874 You're cursed? 294 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,461 (SOPHIE GROANS IN FEAR) 295 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:10,345 But it's stupid, like you said, right? 296 00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:12,681 Yeah, yeah. 297 00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:15,850 That's stupid, yeah. 298 00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:18,727 Did she mention me? 299 00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:22,941 No. She just cursed us... 300 00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:26,110 ...and said our whole lives would come crashing down around us. 301 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:39,164 Ten, 20, 30, 40, 50. 302 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,084 Pssht. Curse is lifted. 303 00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:44,712 Oh. I don't think you got me. What about my curse? 304 00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:45,922 Pssht. 305 00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:50,134 Talk about phoning it in. Couldn't you wave a feather... 306 00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:52,761 ...or spin your head or throw up or something? 307 00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:54,431 That's extra. 308 00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,933 Know what? I'm in a good mood tonight. 309 00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:02,105 I got through the whole day on 15 cigarettes and one sheet cake. 310 00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:05,150 I'm gonna give tough guy a free reading here. 311 00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:09,028 Oh, free, as in the $50 you just shook us down for? 312 00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:11,239 (LAUGHS THEN COUGHS) 313 00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:14,701 Should never have quit. 314 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:18,579 Okay, future coming right at you. 315 00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:21,290 I see you will have a happy life. 316 00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:25,170 Me? Happy? All right, get your hat, Mother. We're leaving. 317 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:28,923 And I see a large sum of money coming your way. 318 00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:30,717 Over $10,000. 319 00:17:31,049 --> 00:17:32,551 Max, it's the grant. 320 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,887 We applied for $12,000. Is that it? 321 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,556 Sure. 322 00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:42,103 -And in spite of your bad childhood-- -She knew you had a bad childhood. 323 00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:44,230 Come on, every childhood is bad. 324 00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:47,442 You're stupid, you can't reach stuff. It's rough. 325 00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:52,654 In spite of it, I see great love and children in your future. 326 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,200 Max. 327 00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:59,537 Me? No, wait. You must be picking up on her vibes. Check again. 328 00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:05,751 No. Great love and children will be part of your future. 329 00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:11,840 -She will die alone. -Okay, well, that's all I can take. 330 00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:14,219 I'm not gonna wait for the other Paul to fall. 331 00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:16,512 -Let's go, Max. -No, no, no. Wait. 332 00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,807 She obviously got it wrong. 333 00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:20,057 Didn't you? 334 00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:24,520 Nope. Still dying alone. 335 00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:27,231 With nothing but her great success. 336 00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:29,067 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What? 337 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:31,736 I see great success in your future. 338 00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:34,239 You do? Oh, thank God. 339 00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:37,075 I'm gonna have success? How big a success? 340 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:40,537 Oh, honey, it's so big you won't even know you're alone. 341 00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:46,835 All right, go. 342 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,711 May you live a long and healthy life. 343 00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:54,092 And put on your hat and gloves. I'm predicting snow. 344 00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,597 It's not going to snow. 345 00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:03,559 At most, it's gonna rain 30-year-old dudes. 346 00:19:03,726 --> 00:19:05,478 Maybe she isn't so psychic. 347 00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:06,895 Stop fighting it, Max. 348 00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:10,525 You're gonna find love and be happy, and I'm gonna be successful. 349 00:19:10,692 --> 00:19:15,028 You hear that, New York? I'm gonna be successful and alone! 350 00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,950 And robbed and raped, if you keep calling that out. 351 00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:21,577 It started when I dropped that grant application... 352 00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:25,123 ...into that mail box that those guys are unbolting and taking away. 353 00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:26,374 What's going on? 354 00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:30,878 It's called e-mails. We're getting rid of this. No one mails anything anymore. 355 00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:32,922 Yes, they do. I did yesterday. 356 00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:35,465 And our $12,000 depends on it. 357 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:38,552 Sorry, doll. This box has been out of commission for a week. 358 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,682 According to a psychic, her box is gonna be out of commission forever. 359 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:46,728 We had to tell him. You expect me to lie to a city employee? 360 00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:49,521 So I guess we're not getting that grant. 361 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,523 The psychic was wrong. 362 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,942 Maybe nothing she said is gonna come true. 363 00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:56,988 I told you. It's a scam. 364 00:19:57,989 --> 00:20:00,909 Max, look, it's snowing. 365 00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:02,951 And she predicted snow. 366 00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:06,163 Oh, crap. Am I gonna have kids? 367 00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:09,791 So she was right on the snow, but not the money. 368 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,210 So what is it? 369 00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:14,338 Am I or am I not gonna die old and alone? 370 00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:16,257 Why are we even talking about this? 371 00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:19,426 We're probably not gonna make it through the winter. 372 00:20:20,135 --> 00:20:23,932 And by the way, if you die first, I am totally eating you. 373 00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:26,351 (SCOFFS) Oh, I know. 374 00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:30,229 And besides, no one person can get it all. 375 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:34,025 You're right. No one person can, but what about two? 376 00:20:34,192 --> 00:20:36,903 You'll have the love and the kids, and I'll have success. 377 00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:39,238 Maybe we can share, like we share our tips... 378 00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,782 ...or that Wheat Thin we found in your pillowcase. 379 00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:44,160 Are you asking to bang my great love? 380 00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:45,411 Which is fine with me. 381 00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:48,914 Because I'm already bored and sleeping with his poker buddy. 382 00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,208 In fact, let's switch. 383 00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:52,919 You can have my great love and I'll die alone. 384 00:20:53,126 --> 00:20:54,836 Max, you don't wanna die alone. 385 00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:58,633 I am dying to die alone. 386 00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:31,332 English - US - SDH 29737

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