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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,112 --> 00:00:04,153 So that's three of our delicious homemade cupcakes. 2 00:00:04,155 --> 00:00:05,538 Nope, can't. You touched them. 3 00:00:05,540 --> 00:00:09,992 Sorry, flu season, no health care. 4 00:00:09,994 --> 00:00:14,497 You realized I replaced that Purell with K.Y., right? 5 00:00:14,499 --> 00:00:16,716 Max, please say you're kidding. 6 00:00:16,718 --> 00:00:18,367 Of course, I'm kidding. 7 00:00:18,369 --> 00:00:21,587 I can't afford lube. I just use my tears. 8 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:25,040 Max, seriously, don't mess with my hand sanitizer. 9 00:00:25,042 --> 00:00:27,009 I've already caught poverty this year 10 00:00:27,011 --> 00:00:29,145 and I refuse to catch the flu. 11 00:00:29,147 --> 00:00:32,348 I just have to keep cleaning my hands and not touch anyone. 12 00:00:32,350 --> 00:00:34,900 Caroline, I have check from table ten. 13 00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:38,654 Okay, just place it right there. 14 00:00:38,656 --> 00:00:43,609 That's a big tip, wow-- 15 00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:47,947 You know, in Indonesia, you'd be married now. 16 00:00:47,949 --> 00:00:50,199 ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 17 00:00:51,836 --> 00:00:53,560 ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ 18 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,686 2 Broke Girls - S01E17 - And the Kosher Cupcakes Original air date February 20, 2012 19 00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,955 Sync and corrections by Gatto for www.addic7ed.com 20 00:00:58,075 --> 00:01:00,075 I'm gonna get sick, I know it. 21 00:01:00,077 --> 00:01:01,127 You're fine. 22 00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:04,547 Fine? Han just unloaded into my mouth. 23 00:01:04,549 --> 00:01:10,352 Congratulations, you both finally got some action. 24 00:01:10,354 --> 00:01:12,271 I can't afford to get sick and miss work. 25 00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,639 I need to get some antibiotics. 26 00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:15,024 You are poor now. 27 00:01:15,026 --> 00:01:17,443 Poor people don't just run out and buy antibiotics. 28 00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:20,980 We man up, grow a pair, stare germs in the face. 29 00:01:20,982 --> 00:01:23,699 Like this French fry from that guy who couldn't stop coughing. 30 00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:24,950 Max, no, no--oh! 31 00:01:24,952 --> 00:01:26,285 Mmm. 32 00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:27,887 Booyah! 33 00:01:27,889 --> 00:01:30,456 And I haven't ever been sick or to a clinic. 34 00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:33,742 And, no, planned parenthood doesn't count. 35 00:01:35,111 --> 00:01:38,164 Well, well, well, she weebles and she wobbles, 36 00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:41,300 but she don't fall down. 37 00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:44,220 Oh, Earl, you're so naughty and nice. 38 00:01:44,222 --> 00:01:48,641 And I'll be checking you out twice. 39 00:01:48,643 --> 00:01:51,143 Hey, Sophie, sit anywhere you like. 40 00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:52,645 Oh, uh, let's see. 41 00:01:52,647 --> 00:01:56,015 Where is lighting that will make me look most attractive? 44 00:02:03,941 --> 00:02:05,574 I wonder if he's here yet. 45 00:02:05,576 --> 00:02:07,142 Well unless you've been cruising 46 00:02:07,144 --> 00:02:10,329 singles who don't leave enough singles, I'd say no. 47 00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:13,666 You know, Max, if my date turned out to be big bust-- 48 00:02:13,668 --> 00:02:14,700 what, bigger than ours? 49 00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:17,870 Then you come over and say that 50 00:02:17,872 --> 00:02:21,790 something suddenly came up and that I have to go, okay? 51 00:02:21,792 --> 00:02:24,710 Oh, my gosh, this must be him. 52 00:02:28,165 --> 00:02:30,015 You must be Sophie Kuchenski. 53 00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,667 I'm Serguisz Bilowski. 54 00:02:31,669 --> 00:02:33,686 Oh. 55 00:02:33,688 --> 00:02:37,106 Wow, I love your dress, I love that! 56 00:02:37,108 --> 00:02:40,392 Something came up and you have to go. 57 00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,728 No, no this is perfect. 58 00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:44,680 Would you like to sit down? 59 00:02:44,682 --> 00:02:46,699 Just let me run to the little boys rooms first. 60 00:02:46,701 --> 00:02:49,368 - Okay? - Okay. 61 00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,036 Who is that? 62 00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:52,872 That's Sophie's new boyfriend. 63 00:02:52,874 --> 00:02:56,158 I see, and where's his boyfriend? 64 00:03:01,364 --> 00:03:02,331 Hello. 65 00:03:02,333 --> 00:03:03,716 Nice to see you again. 66 00:03:03,718 --> 00:03:08,170 I'm wearing my velour especially for you. 67 00:03:08,172 --> 00:03:13,559 And right now, it's the only thing soft about me. 68 00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:17,713 Please go away before my date comes back from the men's room. 69 00:03:17,715 --> 00:03:19,548 You have brought other man in here? 70 00:03:19,550 --> 00:03:22,234 Yes, I met him on Polish dating site. 71 00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:25,938 On polemeetpole.com 72 00:03:25,940 --> 00:03:30,726 you didn't have to go online. You could meet my pole any time. 73 00:03:30,728 --> 00:03:33,412 No, this will never happen. 74 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,580 You're not my type. 75 00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,198 Well, what is your type? 76 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:42,121 Wow, they have those automatic hand dryers that blow you. 77 00:03:42,123 --> 00:03:45,457 I love being blown like that. 78 00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:48,794 Those look like two giant orange traffic cones. 79 00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:54,433 Are you trying to tell me not to park there? 80 00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,185 This is a lady. 81 00:03:56,187 --> 00:03:59,388 Show her some respect. 82 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,391 Sophie has new man in her life. 83 00:04:02,393 --> 00:04:05,110 I am so mad I cannot see straight. 84 00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:08,314 Well, I'm looking right at him and I don't see straight either. 85 00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:13,986 Max, I think I'm running a slight fever. 86 00:04:13,988 --> 00:04:15,537 Feel my forehead. 87 00:04:15,539 --> 00:04:19,575 Look, you should have learned by now-- I don't feel anything. 88 00:04:19,577 --> 00:04:21,994 Caroline, I've written down address of drug store 89 00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:24,663 in South Williamsburg that has a doctor on site. 90 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,548 Here, I will pay for it. 91 00:04:26,550 --> 00:04:27,633 Unless it is cancer. 92 00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:30,502 Then I'm out. 93 00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:34,006 And, Max, here is check for table seven. 94 00:04:36,427 --> 00:04:38,844 Booyah! 95 00:04:46,561 --> 00:04:48,662 How long is it gonna take to see a doctor? 96 00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:50,998 I'm definitely getting something-- I'm pre-sick. 97 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,249 I'm stage one pre-sick. 98 00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:53,500 I need penicillin. 99 00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,669 I told you before, you have to man up 100 00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,288 and not give in to this sick stuff. 101 00:04:57,290 --> 00:04:58,289 I'm not like you. 102 00:04:58,291 --> 00:05:00,791 I have actual things I feel. 103 00:05:00,793 --> 00:05:02,793 Menachem Goldman. 104 00:05:02,795 --> 00:05:05,012 Menachem Goldman. 105 00:05:07,248 --> 00:05:09,516 This must be the orthodox Jewish neighborhood. 106 00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:12,720 Either that or we're in ZZ Top-ville. 107 00:05:12,722 --> 00:05:14,805 Max, have some respect. 108 00:05:14,807 --> 00:05:16,557 Hey, I got nothing but respect. 109 00:05:16,559 --> 00:05:20,394 They basically invented southern rock. 110 00:05:20,396 --> 00:05:22,262 I love the Jewish people. 111 00:05:22,264 --> 00:05:24,315 Whenever I felt sick before, I'd just pop over 112 00:05:24,317 --> 00:05:26,567 to the townhouse next door and visit Dr. Klein. 113 00:05:26,569 --> 00:05:28,535 So your love was contingent on pills? 114 00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:30,904 We're not that different. 115 00:05:30,906 --> 00:05:32,939 Actually, the Kleins and I were very close. 116 00:05:32,941 --> 00:05:35,442 I was invited to many a Passover in their home. 117 00:05:35,444 --> 00:05:39,129 In fact, they called me their honorary Jew. 118 00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:41,298 Rivka Shemshelewitz. 119 00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:45,135 Rivka Shemshelewitz. 120 00:05:45,137 --> 00:05:47,638 Well, you're no Rivka Shemshelewitz. 121 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:50,808 Mrs. Klein always said I had a Bissel Jew. 122 00:05:50,810 --> 00:05:52,926 You had a Jewish vacuum cleaner? 123 00:05:52,928 --> 00:05:53,978 No. Bissel. 124 00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:55,646 It's a Yiddish word. It means little. 125 00:05:55,648 --> 00:05:58,182 And this one time I had a bissel flu 126 00:05:58,184 --> 00:06:00,317 and she brought me chicken soup every day. 127 00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:02,469 So why don't you just give Dr. Klein a call? 128 00:06:02,471 --> 00:06:04,989 I did three times and no return. 129 00:06:04,991 --> 00:06:06,774 I guess he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore 130 00:06:06,776 --> 00:06:09,076 because of my father's financial scandal. 131 00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:11,311 All those years I thought we were family. 132 00:06:11,313 --> 00:06:12,312 Guess not. 133 00:06:12,314 --> 00:06:13,447 I don't know, ignoring your 134 00:06:13,449 --> 00:06:15,032 needs and pretending you don't exist? 135 00:06:15,034 --> 00:06:16,750 Sounds like family to me. 136 00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:19,870 Caroline Channing, Caroline Channing. 137 00:06:19,872 --> 00:06:21,922 Finally. 138 00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:22,989 Let me do the talking. 139 00:06:22,991 --> 00:06:24,991 I learned a lot of Hebrew from Mrs. Klein. 140 00:06:24,993 --> 00:06:27,378 These are my people. 141 00:06:27,380 --> 00:06:29,663 Hello, shalom. 142 00:06:29,665 --> 00:06:33,834 Very good, you wanna squeeze in a couple more before sundown? 143 00:06:33,836 --> 00:06:37,337 Wow, you're as bad as me trying to be Irish 144 00:06:37,339 --> 00:06:39,673 at the blarney rose for a free beer. 145 00:06:39,675 --> 00:06:44,010 Yar, can I get me a cerveza? 146 00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:45,145 What can I get you ladies, 147 00:06:45,147 --> 00:06:47,564 besides skirts that are more appropriate? 148 00:06:47,566 --> 00:06:49,533 Sorry, I didn't know it was an orthodox neighborhood. 149 00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:52,036 You know what, we could just tie our coats around our waists. 150 00:06:52,038 --> 00:06:53,821 Max? 151 00:06:53,823 --> 00:06:55,856 Oh, and look at the breasts on this one. 152 00:06:55,858 --> 00:06:57,858 Coat on or off? Make up your mind. 153 00:06:57,860 --> 00:07:00,627 No, Bubala, I'm just saying, with those big breasts 154 00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:04,298 and that gorgeous hair it's like looking in a mirror. 155 00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:07,551 It's been a few years, but trust me, under this wig and smock, 156 00:07:07,553 --> 00:07:09,169 spitting image of you. 157 00:07:09,171 --> 00:07:10,704 Here you go, Esther Rachael. 158 00:07:10,706 --> 00:07:11,839 How else do you think I landed 159 00:07:11,841 --> 00:07:13,841 a handsome doctor like my Anshell? 160 00:07:13,843 --> 00:07:15,142 Oh, doctor? 161 00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:16,343 Doctor? Doctor, if you could-- 162 00:07:16,345 --> 00:07:18,879 oh, oh, what is that Hebrew word for wait? 163 00:07:18,881 --> 00:07:21,682 You might wanna start peppering in some English. 164 00:07:21,684 --> 00:07:22,983 Now, Chava? 165 00:07:22,985 --> 00:07:25,269 Now you're telling me you're too sick to bake. 166 00:07:25,271 --> 00:07:26,603 I need 80 cupcakes. 167 00:07:26,605 --> 00:07:28,155 The bar mitzvah is tomorrow. 168 00:07:28,157 --> 00:07:31,391 You're dead to me! See you next week. 169 00:07:31,393 --> 00:07:33,226 - We could help. - We can? 170 00:07:33,228 --> 00:07:34,995 Yeah, give me the card. 171 00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:38,165 Hi, I'm Max and my friend and I here have a cupcake business 172 00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:39,917 and we'd be happy to bake as many cupcakes 173 00:07:39,919 --> 00:07:41,118 as you need for the bar mitzvah. 174 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,069 I mean, you need cake, we make cake. 175 00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:44,538 It's bashert. 176 00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:48,425 Look, enough with the "it's a small Hebrew world after all." 177 00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:49,793 How does 250 sound? 178 00:07:49,795 --> 00:07:51,462 No way, 275. 179 00:07:51,464 --> 00:07:52,880 I have to bake all morning. 180 00:07:52,882 --> 00:07:56,249 It's like looking in a mirror. 181 00:07:56,251 --> 00:07:57,401 They're kosher, right? 182 00:07:57,403 --> 00:07:59,085 Are they kosher? Look at me. 183 00:07:59,087 --> 00:08:01,021 Like looking in a mirror. 184 00:08:01,023 --> 00:08:02,556 Good, I'll call you with the address. 185 00:08:02,558 --> 00:08:04,775 Esther Rachael, if I could talk to you husband 186 00:08:04,777 --> 00:08:05,926 about getting some antibiotics-- 187 00:08:05,928 --> 00:08:08,149 sorry, sundown. 188 00:08:18,087 --> 00:08:21,815 Okay, I've got the kosher cookbook, salt, flour, sugar, 189 00:08:21,817 --> 00:08:24,485 new mixing bowls, and I stopped at the goodwill 190 00:08:24,487 --> 00:08:25,653 and got us two appropriately 191 00:08:25,655 --> 00:08:27,672 sad schmatas to wear for tomorrow. 192 00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:28,656 Let's start. 193 00:08:28,658 --> 00:08:30,842 Start? I'm already half done. 194 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:31,992 How could you be half done? 195 00:08:31,994 --> 00:08:33,427 You didn't have any kosher ingredients. 196 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:34,679 Oh, they'll never know, we'll just 197 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:35,713 tell them they're kosher. 198 00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:38,499 Oh, my God, we can't do that. 199 00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:40,768 Oh, my God, we just did. 200 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,720 They have to be kosher. 201 00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:44,171 Do you want God to smite us? 202 00:08:44,173 --> 00:08:45,306 What's he gonna do? 203 00:08:45,308 --> 00:08:47,558 Take away all my good luck and your fortune? 204 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,678 You think all those things labeled low fat are low fat? 205 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,446 It is just a sales gimmick. 206 00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:53,981 I had a low cal ice cream bar once 207 00:08:53,983 --> 00:08:55,950 that popped my top Jean button. 208 00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,319 Kosher isn't a sales gimmick. 209 00:08:58,321 --> 00:09:00,204 It's thousands of years of tradition. 210 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,355 We have to respect that. 211 00:09:01,357 --> 00:09:03,241 I don't respect anyone's tradition. 212 00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:04,242 That's kind of my tradition. 213 00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,877 Well maybe that's because 214 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,662 you didn't grow up around a family. 215 00:09:07,664 --> 00:09:09,914 Hey, I grew up with a lot of families. 216 00:09:09,916 --> 00:09:14,051 The Manson family, the Jackson family, the Menendezes. 217 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:16,220 Wait, is that Menendezes or Menen-di? 218 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:18,756 Either way, they were like brothers to me. 219 00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:20,975 Max, we are doing these straight up kosher. 220 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:22,343 Fine. 221 00:09:22,345 --> 00:09:24,228 But return those new bowls, I don't need them. 222 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,430 I can just dump the bacon bits out of this old one. 223 00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:29,317 Max, please, let's just start the cupcakes over, 224 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,269 drop them off, get me some antibiotics, 225 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,553 come home, and put me to bed. 226 00:09:32,555 --> 00:09:34,238 All right, I'll make them kosher. 227 00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:36,941 I mean, it's the least you could do after you 228 00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:39,560 lied to that woman and let her think you were one of them. 229 00:09:39,562 --> 00:09:41,195 Hey, I don't know who my father is. 230 00:09:41,197 --> 00:09:42,413 I could be half Jewish. 231 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,665 Although it's more likely I'm half bartender 232 00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:47,668 who demanded my mom figure out a way to pay her tab. 233 00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:50,705 - Hey! - Hello. 234 00:09:50,707 --> 00:09:53,090 Serguisz and I are on way up to my apartment. 235 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,542 He's making me brunch. 236 00:09:54,544 --> 00:09:57,628 Cornish hens splashed with my special sauce. 237 00:09:57,630 --> 00:10:00,464 I love special sauce, I love that! 238 00:10:00,466 --> 00:10:03,100 Yeah, and I stopped by because I was hoping you girls 239 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:05,102 might have some spare cupcakes for dessert. 240 00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,721 Only about 40 of them. 241 00:10:06,723 --> 00:10:08,422 Oh, good! 242 00:10:08,424 --> 00:10:09,774 I'll go up and get started. 243 00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,392 Sophie, can I have you keys? 244 00:10:11,394 --> 00:10:14,762 - Oh, yeah. - Cute place. 245 00:10:14,764 --> 00:10:17,114 Ah, I have keychain just like this. 246 00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:18,899 We are birds of a feather. 247 00:10:18,901 --> 00:10:20,785 I love that! 248 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,219 See, girls. 249 00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:24,438 This is what I like about my new boyfriend. 250 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,123 He loves so many things. 251 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,541 And vagina ain't one of them. 252 00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:28,876 Max! 253 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:29,961 We don't know that. 254 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,112 Sexuality is more fluid these days. 255 00:10:32,114 --> 00:10:35,383 It's okay. He's big, big gay. 256 00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,969 So... You know he's gay? 257 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:38,970 Oh, know it? 258 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,471 I prefer it. 259 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,391 Yeah, my ex-husband was large male bully. 260 00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:47,144 Yeah, all rough sex and stains in shorts. 261 00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:51,565 Now all I want is a man who will spoon me and stay soft. 262 00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,768 But what about sex? 263 00:10:53,770 --> 00:10:56,988 Oh, no one does me better than me. 264 00:11:02,327 --> 00:11:04,662 That's the last of them. 265 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:05,663 Look at us. 266 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,331 I think we look very nice. 267 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,282 Really? 268 00:11:08,284 --> 00:11:11,168 I think we look like the Olson twins. 269 00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,420 Well hello, girls. 270 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:13,921 You look very lovely. 271 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,873 Mazel tov to the family. 272 00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:17,875 What a mitzvah to be part of this day. 273 00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:19,126 How bashert. 274 00:11:19,128 --> 00:11:20,994 Oh, we're still on that ride? 275 00:11:20,996 --> 00:11:22,179 I'm sorry. 276 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,798 It's just, I'm so happy to be 277 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,299 in your warm and wonderful home. 278 00:11:25,301 --> 00:11:27,885 I was very close to my neighbors, the Kleins. 279 00:11:27,887 --> 00:11:30,638 In fact, they called me their honorary Jew. 280 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:31,555 Stop now. 281 00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:32,673 This is like when you tell Earl 282 00:11:32,675 --> 00:11:36,394 you're practically black. 283 00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,029 We'll just get our money and go. 284 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,313 Take our money and go? 285 00:11:39,315 --> 00:11:40,648 What are we, barbarians? 286 00:11:40,650 --> 00:11:43,284 Stay and celebrate a little. 287 00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:46,019 But, out here in the kitchen, away from the men. 288 00:11:46,021 --> 00:11:47,822 Sit, eat, come. 289 00:11:47,824 --> 00:11:51,859 Three of my favorite things to do. 290 00:11:51,861 --> 00:11:54,695 Good looks and funny. What a catch. 291 00:11:54,697 --> 00:11:56,797 Hadassa, hand me a spoon. 292 00:11:56,799 --> 00:12:00,835 All 100% kosher and so gorgeous you could plotz. 293 00:12:00,837 --> 00:12:03,254 This one's seen some Streisand movies, yes? 294 00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:06,140 Wait until you taste my kugel. 295 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,875 Oh, I love kugel. 296 00:12:07,877 --> 00:12:11,645 Tell me, Esther Rachael, are you ashkenzi or sephardic Jews? 297 00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:13,931 Someone's been on the Internet. 298 00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:17,485 No way, this is a pasta and a dessert? 299 00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,553 Ooh, there he is. 300 00:12:19,555 --> 00:12:21,372 My only son. My little angel. 301 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:24,892 The bar mitzvah boy who, today, becomes a man. 302 00:12:24,894 --> 00:12:28,162 Girls, this is Shmuley and his friend from next door, David. 303 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:31,382 Say hello to the girls who made the cupcakes, boys. 304 00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:34,234 Nice to meet you. 305 00:12:34,236 --> 00:12:35,453 Hadassa, Devorah, enough. 306 00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:36,737 Thank you, go. 307 00:12:36,739 --> 00:12:38,238 Enjoy the party. 308 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,223 Have more kugel. 309 00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:41,125 I'll go ask my husband for your money. 310 00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:42,927 See, this is what I love, Max. 311 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,462 The family, the tradition. 312 00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:47,098 The lasagna with the crazy raisins. 313 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,799 And those two little boys, 314 00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:50,384 could they have been more precious? 315 00:12:50,386 --> 00:12:53,604 Yo, yo, yo, what up cupcake bitches? 316 00:12:56,925 --> 00:12:58,642 I'm fixin' to marry me a beeyatch 317 00:12:58,644 --> 00:13:00,861 who bakes like this, son. 318 00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,597 Uh, I don't know what's going on, 319 00:13:03,599 --> 00:13:05,316 but I'm pretty sure boys and girls aren't 320 00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,867 supposed to be socializing, right? 321 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:10,204 Damn, sweetness, your lips are moving 322 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:14,241 but your ass is doing all the talking. 323 00:13:14,243 --> 00:13:17,711 Uh... Is that Yiddish? 324 00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:19,997 Oh, boys, there you are, come on. 325 00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,749 Say goodbye to the cupcake ladies. 326 00:13:21,751 --> 00:13:24,919 Nice to meet you. 327 00:13:26,755 --> 00:13:30,791 Did that just happen or has my fever suddenly spiked? 328 00:13:30,793 --> 00:13:33,126 That's the first time I ever saw anyone 329 00:13:33,128 --> 00:13:35,312 acting all pimp who still had pimples. 330 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:36,564 Yo, yo, yo! 331 00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:38,131 And they're back. 332 00:13:38,133 --> 00:13:39,934 What up, Shawties? 333 00:13:39,936 --> 00:13:41,352 What's crackalackin? 334 00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:44,104 Yo, today my boy became a mans. 335 00:13:44,106 --> 00:13:45,138 That's right. 336 00:13:45,140 --> 00:13:48,141 Got my bar mitzvah done, son. 337 00:13:48,143 --> 00:13:49,693 Preach! 338 00:13:49,695 --> 00:13:51,144 So let's get to it. 339 00:13:51,146 --> 00:13:53,164 How much of my mitzvah money is it gonna take 340 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,748 for you to pop that top and serve me up 341 00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:59,653 some super fine taytays? 342 00:13:59,655 --> 00:14:01,839 Dude, there is not enough money in the-- 343 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,424 how much are we talking? 344 00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:04,842 Max! 345 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,878 Yo, don't get all jealous, vanilla cone. 346 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,298 How about you turn around and make it pop for daddy? 347 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:13,350 How would you like it if I told your mother 348 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:14,668 right on the other side of that door 349 00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:16,637 how you boys were in here disrespecting us? 350 00:14:16,639 --> 00:14:21,174 How is you gonna say anything with your mouth full? 351 00:14:21,176 --> 00:14:23,310 Damn, son! 352 00:14:23,312 --> 00:14:26,564 Come in here, ma. This way. 353 00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:29,300 Don't say anything to her. 354 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:30,701 Let's just get our money and get out of here. 355 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:31,902 Max, she should know. 356 00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:34,021 You wanna ruin their day and not get paid? 357 00:14:34,023 --> 00:14:36,690 Just keep it to yourself for five minutes and we're gone. 358 00:14:36,692 --> 00:14:39,159 I want you to meet my mother, Hinda Fagel. 359 00:14:39,161 --> 00:14:42,796 Ma, this is Max who made the kosher cupcakes. 360 00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:44,381 And I'm Caroline. 361 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,133 What did the shicksa say? 362 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,469 She said her name is Caroline. 363 00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:50,004 Who cares what her name is? 364 00:14:50,006 --> 00:14:51,255 She looks like the people that 365 00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:55,259 stole my grandmother's good hutch. 366 00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:56,710 But look at this one. 367 00:14:56,712 --> 00:15:02,099 It's like looking in a mirror. 368 00:15:02,101 --> 00:15:03,684 Oy, she's got a fever. 369 00:15:03,686 --> 00:15:07,238 Oh, Max, oh honey, you're burning up. 370 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,722 Oh, no way, I don't get sick. 371 00:15:08,724 --> 00:15:09,907 I get sick. 372 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:10,891 You're sick. 373 00:15:10,893 --> 00:15:12,610 You'll come, you'll lie down. 374 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:13,777 Oh, I'm really fine. 375 00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:15,062 We'll just get our money and head home. 376 00:15:15,064 --> 00:15:16,864 Nonsense. You'll see my husband. 377 00:15:16,866 --> 00:15:18,332 The doctor. 378 00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:19,783 Stop, wait, where are you taking her? 379 00:15:19,785 --> 00:15:21,035 I'm the one who gets sick. 380 00:15:21,037 --> 00:15:22,569 What did she say? 381 00:15:22,571 --> 00:15:25,839 She says she wants your hutch. 382 00:15:35,152 --> 00:15:36,152 You poor baby. 383 00:15:36,154 --> 00:15:38,571 You have a fever of 102. 384 00:15:38,573 --> 00:15:39,888 Just have to rest, Bubala. 385 00:15:39,890 --> 00:15:41,357 I'm really fine. 386 00:15:41,359 --> 00:15:43,826 That towel thing feels awesome. 387 00:15:43,828 --> 00:15:46,395 It's a cold compress, it'll bring your fever down. 388 00:15:46,397 --> 00:15:48,564 My husband should be in any minute. 389 00:15:48,566 --> 00:15:50,232 Thanks. 390 00:15:50,234 --> 00:15:52,067 I think it's only right to tell you, 391 00:15:52,069 --> 00:15:54,737 I don't know a lot about my background, so... 392 00:15:54,739 --> 00:15:55,737 I might not be Jewish. 393 00:15:55,739 --> 00:15:58,240 Please, look at you. 394 00:15:58,242 --> 00:16:00,426 You could be my daughter. 395 00:16:00,428 --> 00:16:02,244 I would have liked that. 396 00:16:02,246 --> 00:16:04,213 Always wanted a daughter. 397 00:16:04,215 --> 00:16:06,882 I always wanted a mother. 398 00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,250 Oh, did your mother die young? 399 00:16:08,252 --> 00:16:10,436 Sadly, no. 400 00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:14,273 Ooh, you need a kiss. 401 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,426 Oh, good your soup is ready. 402 00:16:17,428 --> 00:16:19,979 Ess a bissel, tatelleh. 403 00:16:19,981 --> 00:16:20,980 Bissel? 404 00:16:20,982 --> 00:16:22,031 I know bissel. 405 00:16:22,033 --> 00:16:23,932 Of course you do. You're Jewish. 406 00:16:23,934 --> 00:16:26,619 Okay, I'm Jewish, what the hell. 407 00:16:26,621 --> 00:16:27,703 Oh, we don't believe in hell. 408 00:16:27,705 --> 00:16:29,271 We don't? 409 00:16:29,273 --> 00:16:31,740 Awesome. 410 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,877 Oh, thanks. 411 00:16:34,879 --> 00:16:37,880 Call me Bubby. 412 00:16:37,882 --> 00:16:39,331 Thanks, Bubby. 413 00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,250 No one's ever blown on my soup before. 414 00:16:41,252 --> 00:16:44,470 What's wrong with them? 415 00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:50,059 ♪ That's my boy, that's my boy, hey, ho ♪ 416 00:16:50,061 --> 00:16:53,095 Oh, there he go! 417 00:16:53,097 --> 00:16:55,848 That's what's up, hooker. 418 00:16:55,850 --> 00:16:59,018 First of all, you just scuffed his mother's freshly-waxed floor 419 00:16:59,020 --> 00:17:01,520 and secondly, you may think throwing away your family 420 00:17:01,522 --> 00:17:04,857 traditions is cool now, but in life, bad things can happen. 421 00:17:04,859 --> 00:17:07,359 And one day, when you find yourself penniless and sick, 422 00:17:07,361 --> 00:17:08,944 you'll need your nice Jewish family 423 00:17:08,946 --> 00:17:10,946 and you'll call them three times and they won't answer the phone 424 00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:13,616 no matter how much you need antibiotics. 425 00:17:13,618 --> 00:17:18,198 Damn, boo, I stopped listening after you said freshly-waxed. 426 00:17:20,257 --> 00:17:22,424 Playa! 427 00:17:24,594 --> 00:17:27,513 Max, I'm giving you some amoxicillin 428 00:17:27,515 --> 00:17:28,614 for you to take home. 429 00:17:28,616 --> 00:17:30,549 Now take it all, even when you 430 00:17:30,551 --> 00:17:31,684 start feeling better. 431 00:17:31,686 --> 00:17:34,019 Yes, Dr. Anshell. 432 00:17:34,021 --> 00:17:35,771 Look what I brought. 433 00:17:35,773 --> 00:17:37,223 Sweets for the sweets. 434 00:17:37,225 --> 00:17:38,607 Ooh. 435 00:17:38,609 --> 00:17:40,559 Uh, wait, wait, wait, before you eat those, 436 00:17:40,561 --> 00:17:42,344 remember how I said I might not be Jewish? 437 00:17:42,346 --> 00:17:44,480 - Yes. - Those might not be kosher. 438 00:17:44,482 --> 00:17:47,182 - What are you saying? - I'm saying they're not kosher. 439 00:17:47,184 --> 00:17:48,701 What is she saying? 440 00:17:48,703 --> 00:17:49,851 Not kosher! 441 00:17:49,853 --> 00:17:51,853 - What? - Not kosher! 442 00:17:51,855 --> 00:17:52,821 Spit it out, ma! 443 00:17:52,823 --> 00:17:54,657 Spit it out! 444 00:17:54,659 --> 00:17:59,194 Just a minute, it tastes so good. 445 00:17:59,196 --> 00:18:00,379 - You like that? - Stop. 446 00:18:00,381 --> 00:18:01,547 - You like that? - Stop it. 447 00:18:01,549 --> 00:18:03,315 - You like that? - S--that's it! 448 00:18:03,317 --> 00:18:05,634 Listen, hit me with one more dead president 449 00:18:05,636 --> 00:18:07,869 and you'll be six feet under with Biggie and Tupac. 450 00:18:07,871 --> 00:18:10,306 You understand me, Jew-Tang Clan? 451 00:18:10,308 --> 00:18:13,208 Skinny bitch came to play! 452 00:18:13,210 --> 00:18:16,679 What kind of girl brings non-kosher cupcakes 453 00:18:16,681 --> 00:18:17,846 into a kosher home? 454 00:18:17,848 --> 00:18:19,932 Not me-- I'm not that kind of girl. 455 00:18:19,934 --> 00:18:22,384 Yeah, hi, I think I'm that kind of girl. 456 00:18:22,386 --> 00:18:23,769 Max, what are you talking about? 457 00:18:23,771 --> 00:18:25,771 I made sure every single one of those 458 00:18:25,773 --> 00:18:27,323 was up to a rabbi's high standard. 459 00:18:27,325 --> 00:18:30,225 Yes, well, maybe my rabbi didn't have such high standards. 460 00:18:30,227 --> 00:18:33,412 I'm so sorry, I burned some and we were running late 461 00:18:33,414 --> 00:18:36,282 and I figured, four non-kosher out of 80. 462 00:18:36,284 --> 00:18:37,533 So close. 463 00:18:37,535 --> 00:18:39,335 Max, I told you how important 464 00:18:39,337 --> 00:18:41,670 all those traditions are to a Jewish family. 465 00:18:41,672 --> 00:18:43,572 Yes, you told me about tradition and family, 466 00:18:43,574 --> 00:18:47,459 but none of that meant anything until I felt that cold compress. 467 00:18:47,461 --> 00:18:49,428 And she was nice enough to put it on my head 468 00:18:49,430 --> 00:18:51,513 and I felt what that feels like. 469 00:18:51,515 --> 00:18:53,182 And then Bubby blew on my soup 470 00:18:53,184 --> 00:18:55,250 before she ate the non-kosher cupcake. 471 00:18:55,252 --> 00:18:59,605 Wait, Bubby ate a non-kosher cupcake? 472 00:18:59,607 --> 00:19:01,724 It's a shanda! 473 00:19:01,726 --> 00:19:02,891 It is a shanda. 474 00:19:02,893 --> 00:19:04,560 I'm hoping shanda means 475 00:19:04,562 --> 00:19:06,595 you're forgiven and we'll pay you anyway. 476 00:19:06,597 --> 00:19:07,946 We are not taking any money. 477 00:19:07,948 --> 00:19:10,932 That's right, you're not taking anything. 478 00:19:10,934 --> 00:19:13,786 Except for this compress. 479 00:19:13,788 --> 00:19:16,238 Feel better. 480 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,123 Now go, get out of my sight. 481 00:19:18,125 --> 00:19:19,730 And don't wear short skirts. 482 00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:21,158 Esther Rachel, 483 00:19:21,278 --> 00:19:22,544 I wanna talk to you about your son 484 00:19:22,546 --> 00:19:23,746 Shmuley's behavior today. 485 00:19:23,748 --> 00:19:24,930 What are you talking about? 486 00:19:24,932 --> 00:19:25,981 What did my Shmuley do? 487 00:19:25,983 --> 00:19:27,549 I'll tell you what he did. 488 00:19:27,551 --> 00:19:29,218 He became a man. 489 00:19:29,220 --> 00:19:30,336 That's all he did. 490 00:19:30,338 --> 00:19:31,553 Right, Caroline? 491 00:19:31,555 --> 00:19:33,005 I'll say he became a man. 492 00:19:33,007 --> 00:19:34,306 What are you talking about? 493 00:19:34,308 --> 00:19:35,290 Shmuley! 494 00:19:35,292 --> 00:19:36,342 Stay out of it, 495 00:19:36,344 --> 00:19:37,626 this is not our family. 496 00:19:37,628 --> 00:19:38,977 You and I don't have a family. 497 00:19:38,979 --> 00:19:39,961 They still do. 498 00:19:39,963 --> 00:19:41,847 Let the police tell her about him. 499 00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:43,899 So about my Shmuley. 500 00:19:43,901 --> 00:19:45,150 What do you have to say? 501 00:19:45,152 --> 00:19:50,322 Mazel tov, he's a wonderful, wonderful boy. 502 00:19:50,324 --> 00:19:52,157 Oh, there you are. 503 00:19:52,159 --> 00:19:55,811 Shmuley, David, say goodbye to the cupcake girls. 504 00:19:55,813 --> 00:19:58,980 Nice to meet you. 505 00:20:00,849 --> 00:20:01,965 Thank you. 506 00:20:02,085 --> 00:20:03,702 So I see no Max. 507 00:20:03,704 --> 00:20:05,170 She still out sick? 508 00:20:05,172 --> 00:20:06,288 It's her first night back. 509 00:20:06,290 --> 00:20:07,456 She should be here any minute. 510 00:20:07,458 --> 00:20:08,540 Did you wanna order something 511 00:20:08,542 --> 00:20:09,758 or wait for your boyfriend? 512 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:14,930 Oh, see, this is sad story. 513 00:20:14,932 --> 00:20:19,635 Uh, he broke off with me to date other woman. 514 00:20:19,637 --> 00:20:22,838 And she had penis. 515 00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:32,498 Yeah, I can't compete with that. 516 00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:33,532 Hi, Earl. 517 00:20:33,534 --> 00:20:35,617 There she is, my long lost love. 518 00:20:35,619 --> 00:20:36,652 How you feeling, Max? 519 00:20:36,654 --> 00:20:38,987 I'm pretty good. 520 00:20:38,989 --> 00:20:40,355 Hey, Bubby. 521 00:20:40,357 --> 00:20:41,490 I brought you some chicken soup 522 00:20:41,492 --> 00:20:43,242 for taking care of me the last couple days. 523 00:20:43,244 --> 00:20:45,327 I enjoyed being your Bubby. 524 00:20:45,329 --> 00:20:47,963 I guess you were wrong, Max. You and I do have family-- 525 00:20:47,965 --> 00:20:49,030 each other. 526 00:20:49,032 --> 00:20:50,365 We're not family until we have 527 00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:53,585 to testify against each other in a manslaughter trial. 528 00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:57,205 Here, eat this. 529 00:20:57,207 --> 00:20:58,807 I don't want you to catch what I just had. 530 00:20:58,809 --> 00:20:59,975 Not gonna happen, Max. 531 00:20:59,977 --> 00:21:01,042 I took your advice. 532 00:21:01,044 --> 00:21:02,043 I manned up. 533 00:21:02,045 --> 00:21:03,645 I stared germs in the face. 534 00:21:03,647 --> 00:21:06,432 That's right, when you got sick, I got balls. 535 00:21:06,434 --> 00:21:07,599 Booyah! 536 00:21:09,652 --> 00:21:12,855 Like looking in a mirror. 537 00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:15,171 Sync and corrections by Gatto for www.addic7ed.com 38074

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