All language subtitles for Workaholics s02e05 Old Man Ders.eng

Wake up,
you old piece of shit!

- Slappy birthday!
- Happy Birthday.

Guys, guys, come on, please.

Not this year, guys.

I don't want to do it
this year.

All right, all right.

Fine, I'll do it,
but only because

I'm already dressed, guys!

Oh!

Bam.

Are you ready
for the birthday booze-athon?

Walking, walking,
walking, walking.

Well, it's your birthday,
slappy birthday.

He's looking good,
but you gotta wonder if his age

is gonna be a factor
in this year's tour de franzia.

I've got you by the back.

I got you by the back.

You can do it.
We all believe in you.

Very good.

Oh, he lost helmet.

He missed the flamingo.

Oh, guys.

Yeah.

What is it?
That's not beer.

No, it's whiskey.

I watered it down though.

Okay.
All right, fine.

With beer.
Here we go.

Come on.

Oh!
[Laughs]

Booze-athon, yeah.

Come on, derzel Hasselhoff,

baywatch those beers,
you're doing great.

No, dude.
I can't do it,

I'm starting to get hot mouth.

Come on, they need your help.

Clock's ticking by, let's go.

No, no.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

Get 'em.

Nobody's puked the pool
in like, a while.

It's been a while.

It's been too long, actually.

I guess we did it.

Yeah, it's been a while.

I'm done.

Well, you're paying
for a pool cleaner.

I mean, don't be
a dick about it.

That is an entire bagel bite.

He ate your bagel bite.

He ate my bagel bites.

Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com

[Knocking on door]

Son of a bitch!
Dammit!

Where are you going?

Well, this is Ders'
birthday breakfast.

I got him some grapefruit,
a grandpa bran muffin,

and a shot of prune juice
and Jagermeister.

'Cause you saw him
yesterday, man.

He's an old dude.

Man, he's crazy old.
It's bizarre how old he is.

It's not carrot cake.

- Hmm, yuck.
- No, no.

Nah, it's no good.

Yeah, it's for old men.

Yeah, Ders is old,

he's like a year
and a half older.

You know
how many months that is?

That's like--

Anyways, don't mention
anything about him getting old

'cause, you know,
it's his birthday.

Just play cool.

I should help
you carry the tray though

because that looks...

- No.
- ...Heavy

and I'm--

definitely have a solid core.

Okay.
I see what you're doing,

you're trying to say it's from
both of us. It's not.

This is sort of
from both of us though,

because...

My mom gave us this tray

when my grandma died.

Well, uh, tell your
dead grandma I said thanks.

Well, look who's up.

Whoa, beef castle.

Oh, what's up with you guys?

- Who's swagging?
- No, I'm swagging.

You swagging?

- I--I think maybe.
- Yeah.

Come on, man.

What are you listening to?

Oh, dudf,
it's this new mash-up tape,

dj Chris unchained!

Lah dow.

Marry lah dow--let me--

- uh-hmm.
- Let me listen.

Both: Yeah.

Like jamiroquai,
mix of smash mouth.

I hear it now.

Nope!
That's a chop, buddy.

Ow. What--what was that?
That was weird.

Why are you chopping him?

It's a chop, man,

you say or do anything stupid
and that's a chop.

We used to do it
on the playground

when I was a kid,
so I'm bringing it back.

- Okay.
- Yeah, that's cool.

Thank you for that
and thank me for this.

It's a breakfast
for your birthday

and, oh.
I got you this gift.

And you know what?
Happy Birthday.

Well, it's--it's just from me,
not Adam.

It came on my tray, so.

It's a golf polo.

Very American dadiator.

You could get married
in something like that;

You could probably also get
divorced in that as well.

Or a job interview or maybe
like a soldier's funeral,

or I was thinking,
hey, you know,

you want to be
city councilman dude, one day.

So, maybe you can wear that
and get elected.

It's not really what the young
go-hards are wearing right now,

you know,
the go-hards are wearing--

I can't wear this if I'm gonna
run with the go-hards.

Very swag.

Maybe I'll--I'll just--

oh, yeah.
There we go.

- Get this bad boy there.
- Cool, yeah.

That's much better.
That is much better.

You're very strong by the way.

- Looks great, yeah.
- Yes.

That was $60.

City councilman dude?

How about I try and be like

city breakdancer man.

Oh, I like that.

I got this one, Adam.

You got next.

That was fun.
That was my first taxi ride.

There you go, thank you.

- It went pretty fast.
- Thanks a lot.

Dude, what are we doing here?

We should be out drinking more.

We should be out drinking more.

- Yes.
- We're not gonna do that.

Are we still gonna do that?

[Car honks]

Whoa.

Look at this.

Dude, this is swagged out.

Very swagged out.

Hey, hey, hey you all
like this, don't you, huh?

This is captain America times
stoked right here.

I won this at the mall,
I guessed its weight.

Yo, dude, it's my birthday
right now today.

Let me take this thing out
for a smob.

[Laughs] You out your mind?

Colleen don't even get
to ride in this,

unless she's doing maintenance
from the passenger seat.

And you all know I'm talking
about road-head.

Surprisingly, I did know that.

It's licky, licky time.

I don't care what you guys say,

Harry and the Hendersons
is legit.

No, we said it was legit.

Whoa, yeah, here's my birthday
present that I got you.

Oh, dude.

I put it in a box.

Thanks so much,

except you're lying.

I had this next-dayed
last night.

Oh, that's a chop.
[Laughs]

Who wants to do a snippet?

I love snippets.

Uh, actually, we--

With the whippets, right?

Yeah, it's a whippet.
People comes to snip its snout.

What if we just, uh, ducked
out into the bathroom

and got drunk like usual?

That'll be fun.

No, we are making memories

and then destroying them.

Okay, no.
That is hippy-crack, man.

Did we not all cry during
that Steve-O documentary?

Relax your mind,
I'm gonna blast off.

Oh, wow!
[Laughs]

We're just celebrating
big Ders' dog birthday.

Yeah.

Because the Ders' a dog

and then there is everything

that's happens to--

Sorry?

Nothing.

Yeah, he's monkeying
around again.

Whatever.

Look, uh, there's a big surprise
for you in the break room.

It--it's a birthday cake.

Anyway, I'm not going.

Okay.

Anders, we have a dress code,

can you please?

It's Craig Norman, bitch.

All: Surprise!

Yeah.

There he is!

How does it feel to be 25?

You get nothing.

Ders, the secret
to staying young is...

Laugh a lot.
[Laughs]

And...

Moisturize,

that's right.

You know, Anders, you're the
same age my parents were

when they had me.

And then they gave me away

and then I was adopted
by those horrible Koreans.

Oh, well.
[Laughs]

[Laughter]

Der, you always doubt.

[Indistinct] We [Indistinct]
That.

[Laughs]

Laugh a lot.

[Laughter]

All right, okay.

Just--

Oh.

I know how old I am!

Sorry.

He's on a ton
of drugs right now.

He's like drugged
out of his mind.

Thank you.

No, waymond, no, no!

No! Bad waymond, bad!

- Ders.
- Ders.

Gosh, what the heck is wrong
with that guy?

Whatever, we just gotta party
through those demons.

No, that's the last thing
we need to do.

We need to slow down.

Otherwise he's gonna
turn into...

"The Ders."

That would be awesome.

I love "the Ders,"

and you love "the Ders."

Last time we partied
with "the Ders,"

we went to seven Mary three.

Got us backstage.

He head butted
a female security guard,

bum-rushed the stage,

and dedicated a song to his dad.

Yeah,

but that song was cumbersome.

And it meant a lot to all of us
at the time.

Did it, though?

That's my favorite dersion
of vers.

[Tires screech]

- [Laughs]
- Whoa.

All aboard
to downtown pound town.

Oh, we are so American.

This is the most American thing
we could do right now.

- Whoo!
- I feel like I'm in a parade.

How cool of montez
to let you borrow his new car.

- Yeah, that's cool.
- Borrow that dude's car?

Dude, I took the keys right off
that fool's desk.

Whoa.

- Uh-huh.
- Holy grand theft auto.

We're badass.

That's American.

- Stealing cars is American.
- Thank you.

Where are we going?

Dude, we're going straight
to pound town.

Yeah, baby.

Population three,
cheap import beer,

cheap export swag.

Ah, okay.

Exported swag, I like it.

And I know it's your birthday,

I don't want to be
a wet serape,

but maybe we should go home
to chill ville.

It's pretty cool.
Plus Adam,

nobody serves beer at 10:30,
so help me out.

Yeah, a little place
called dolphin's strip club.

Most definitely booze.

Um, they're not open yet.
Damn it.

No, it's fine that it's closed

because home has
tons of pornography.

I know that's a fact.

And the kitchen serves beer
all day.

It's gonna be fun.

We could just go drink
at a parking lot somewhere.

Yeah.

That's a chop, even for
suggesting going home.

- I know.
- Consider yourself chopped.

It's a chop back.

No, ten for contact.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,
7, 8, 9, 10.

Is that real?
Is that part of the game?

I've never heard that,
but I like that.

Wow, very good.

[Laughs] All right.

This place is awesome, man,

where did you--where did you
find out about this spot?

Dude, my dad took me here
for my 11th birthday.

He got weird drunk and
he showed up, most importantly.

That was the first time I got
arrested, at 11.

This is really fun, guys.
I'm having a great time.

I didn't think I would say this
ever in my life,

but maybe we should get
back to work, yeah?

Return a stolen car that's
in our possession?

[Laughs] Boo, Nicky's joking.

Is that a joke?

I'm puking--I'm drinking it.

Dude, we're shutting
this bitch down.

- We're partying until 8 p! N!
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah? You--you--yup,
that's a chop.

You said p.N.

It's official.

Oh, well that's a chop back
because p.N. Is post noon,

everyone knows that.

You need to go back to school,

pick up some knowledge.

So, uh, Ders,

what would it take
for you to consider

maybe doing the exact opposite
of shutting bitches down?

Maybe leaving this bitch,
heading towards home bitch,

home sweet home bitch?

You know what?

See that shark blimp over there?

You win me that,
and I'll go home right now.

All right, well, then one
shark blimp chumming right up.

Nice.

Hey, good luck, buddy.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, yeah.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

How many more times
are you gonna play?

Uh, I'm gonna play

infinity more times,
little man. Okay?

All right, Ders,
keep pounding that dog.

- I gotta make a call, okay?
- Will do.

Dolphins.
Hey, Marty, what's up?

It's d-bone.

You might remember me
as d-train.

Mister, it's my birthday.

Buddy, it's my birthday, too.
You're not special.

Did someone tell you
that you were?

'Cause you aren't.

I'm gonna tell on you.

You tell everybody
you wanna tell.

Tell the whole world.

I'm gonna tell on you.
Pbbbt!

[Donkey brays]

Ahhhh!

- Hey, man.
- Ow! What?

What you doing here, man?

Kid's trying to play
and you game hogging?

Since when is this
the only game?

There's a million games.
They can play other games.

You do realize that
this is a Dante's, right?

I mean, it's basically
a black Chuck E. Cheese.

Okay. I can see that.
I mean, that guy's not black.

Oh, that's Oakland Tony.

O.T.

Oh, he blacker than I am.

Buddy, I-I'm sorry.
Today is my birthday.

I'm gonna wild out
and have a good time.

I got a cup full of coins,

and I'm gonna get wild
with them, all right?

Sorry.

Hey.

I got my eyes on you.

Legitimately scary.

Too drunk to care.

It's illegal for you to tell me

I can't take this outside,
that's illegal.

Oh, there they are.
My sweet, sweet princesses.

Welcome to my castle,
can I take your coats?

No, wow, mama.

- [Laughs]
- Oh, you better put those on,

you're getting jealous.

You're getting jealous, huh?

Whose birthday?

It's feels like my birthday.

So it might as well be.

Hitch a ride on the sex bus.

Just kidding.
We can't have sex here.

There's kids everywhere.

Yeah, it's my birthday.

I figured I'd treat myself
a little bit, you know.

- [Laughs]
- Keep shaking it, here we go.

- Whoa.
- Oh.

Dude, is that my gift?

- Uh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, it is your--it is your
birthday present.

Woo, hey.

I just want to make sure
they are not poisonous.

[Growls]

No, it's good unless
you're allergic to glitter, so--

Whoa, glitter titties,
for real?

I'll be right there.

Come on, man.
Let's go.

Sorry, man. You're 46 tickets
shy of the shark.

You could get some vampire teeth
and some scrunchies.

What?

Okay, look.

I'm not trying
to freak out on you, man.

You're just doing your job.

I've got a job, too.

And I do it sometimes.

But this is an emergency, okay?

We've got a guy
who is five beers away

from turning into the Ders.

This is a guy who [Bleep]Ed
a coy fish in the mouth

until it died
in front of a p.F. Chang's.

I just count tickets, dude.

- [Laughs]
- Yeah, I'm your boss.

Here we go.
Trying to buck you.

Oh, she just made
her butthole wink.

- What?
- It just winked at me.

Oh, that is too real.

Oh my God.

Well, not a fan.

Let's stick to hits, please.

Cool.

- Titties up.
- Angel,

hold up buddy,
my knees are burning--

what the hell!

I need to see you outside now.

Where they go?
Where they at?

[Laughs]

Oh, I'm going to miss you.

I can't afford you for longer.

But I'm going to miss you.

Button up.

Let's play it safe.
There's kids.

There's kids.
You got to respect the kids.

Someone took
a sip from my beer.

I don't like that,
birthday boy.

Angel, go play
with the team, okay?

Later, dude, we changed
your life. Don't forget that.

Yeah dude, you're going to
remember that forever.

Now, I ain't trying
to fight today

because it's
a beautiful occasion.

But you brought strippers,
albeit some fine ass strippers,

to a kid's pizza place.

Dude, I'm not going
to say this again.

Today is my birthday

and I'm going to do

whatever I wanna do.

[Shout]

What was that?

That's the Ders.

Uh, all right.
Look.

I've got $19 and a one hitter,

all you gotta do
is give me that shark blimp.

That's all yours.

You just need to hand me--

hand me the sharp blimp.

The Ders is unleashed, yeah.

Gather around.

There's going to be

a real show over here.

Ders, I got it.
[Laughs]

I got your shark blimp.

What do you say we go home
and give it a whirl.

It's no use, bud.
He's unleashed.

Gotta ride it out
like a hurricane.

No, no, we're not riding
anything.

Now, Ders, let's go home.

Let's ride home.

And you need to start
acting your age, man.

What are you, 30?

Ennnghhh, I'm 25,
dickhead, and that's a chop.

Can I have some more tokens?

Yeah, I'll go get you
some tokens.

Hey Ders, how you doing, man?

Come on.
Talk to me.

He's refusing to get off.

This is the saddest thing

I've ever seen, dude.

You're not a child.

Do you have any more tokens?

I wanna play pop-a-shot again.

I got like the fourth highest
score on the thing.

I'm not just going to give up.

I'm not a quitter.

- You need to chill out.
- Okay.

This is the worst birthday
I've ever had.

What?

Remember those strippers
I got you.

That was awesome of me.

Wait.
You didn't get him--

I-I got him--
you took my car.

Yeah, that's true.

He bought them.

But I was--I made the call.

I'm so old, now.

You know, I thought
maybe if I said swag,

and jammed hard to mash-ups,

and tore sleeves
of cool golf shirts

that I'd feel young.

But it didn't work.

I mean, I don't even know
what swag means.

No one does, really.

I just wanted to sound cool.

You didn't, really.

You kind of sound like a dork.

Ye.

Hey, uh.

I crossed the line back there.

Thought I'd try to make it
right, starting with some cake.

No, I'm in a cutting phase
right now.

I'd better not.

Unless it's chocolate.
Is that chocolate?

Uh, no, it's vanilla.

Yeah, that will work.
Cool. Thanks.

As for your busted up face...

Thank you.

Hey, uh--

I'm sorry I knocked you
on your ass back there, man.

But you said, "chop."
I thought you had a knife.

I used to work
in a Chinese kitchen, man,

I have seen some [Bleep].

Anyway, moving on.

You're crying 'cause you're 25?

But I'm 37.

But you know what I got?

I got meaning in my life.

You'll see.
It's radical, dude.

All right.
And it's real.

He's right, you know.

Turning 25 isn't the end.

It's--it's the beginning
of something older.

Yeah, it's definitely older.

- Yeah.
- It's for sure, older.

And oh, but you can do
a ton of cool stuff

that you couldn't do before.

Yeah.

- Like what?
- Yeah, like what?

You can get off your parent's
health insurance.

Well, that will kick you off.

My dad sends me countdown
e-mails.

- It's bogus.
- Yeah.

Guys, I think I know
what I need to do.

But I can't do it alone.

Now, look. Whatever you need,
I'm here for you.

No, I mean, like,
I'm really hammered.

I don't even think I can get out
of this ride right now.

Okay sir, you can have
a seat. Thank you.

All right.
Statute 7-b,

let the proposed property tax
override fund the...

[Whistle blows]

Ladies and gentlemen!

Please put your hands together

for the next president
of rancho cucamonga,

Anders Holmvik.

[Laughter]

Hey!

Hello.

Greetings,
my fellow rancho cucamongans.

My name is
Anders Torfin Holmvik.

I'm here to announce today

that because I am now
25 years young,

it's not old, it's young,

I'm therefore eligible to run
for city councilman dude...

And I'm going to do it.

- Yeah.
- All right.

So proud.

Okay.

Not today like, you know, maybe
down in like 2016.

I've got a--

some student loans to pay off.

So get that out of the way

and then I'm gonna be
up in your grills

asking for votes, okay?

So, consider this a warning.

And here's a slogan:

It's, "you can always
bet on Ders."

That's my name.

[Laughter]

Excuse me.

This is like a forum
we run for city council.

I know, dude.

I'm said, I'm going to run.

We gotta stick.
I'll get him out of office,

asap.

Vote or die.

Vote or die.

Vote or die.

Vote or die.

- Please leave.
- Vote or die.

We need you to go.

Vote or die.

Vote or die.

So, I get to see you naked?

[Laughs]

You're driving
the convertible, right?

Um.

Come on.

- Officer--
- You know what, Ders?

Happy Birthday, bud.

Yeah, I was driving.

What's it to you?

I've gotten plenty of duis.

Give me another.
I don't care.

I don't care, copper.

The car's been reported stolen,

and you've been driving
it drunk?

Really?
I didn't know that.

I didn't know it was reported.

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www.addic7ed.com

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