All language subtitles for The Middle s02e18 Cleaning.eng

Three days of spring break...

that's all we tried to enjoy.

Visit my sister...
Hit the water park...

I even remembered
to tell Nancy donahue

to bring in our mail for once.

Just three days...

But no...

Frankie, I'm so sorry
to tell you this.

You've been robbed.

Your whole house
has been ransacked.

Can't believe we got robbed!

What kind of stupid robbers
would rob us?

I hope they didn't
steal my books.

What about
my cross-country sweatshirt?

I knew I should have brought it.
If they stole your books

and your
cross-country sweatshirt,

they're the nerdiest robbers
ever. Oh, my God. My nunchakus.

Look, the important thing
is that we're all safe.

Let's just all
take a breath and calm down

until we figure out
what we're dealing with.

Oh. I'm so sorry. I came
to bring in your "us weekly,"

and instead
I brought you tragedy.

It's just so horrible.

It was horrible.
'Cause truth is,

the house looked exactly
the same as when we left it.

I'm sorry you had to see
your house this way, folks.

These animals have no regard
for human decency.

But it looks exactly... don't scream.
It's okay. We still have each other.

As you clean up,

keep track of what's missing
for the insurance report.

Oh, no!
They took my box of money!

And my Ferrari!

It was red. No, black. No...

Red with black seats.
Glad you still got your sense of humor.

That's something
no one can steal.

Anyway, we'll keep
an eye out for your things.

Thanks.
We'd appreciate that.

Uh, but don't take any time out
from solving murders for it.

As Captain
of the neighborhood watch,

I feel like I've let you down.

Uh, no, Nancy.
The only ones to blame here

are the evil, disgusting
lowlifes who did this.

Oh, no. That wasn't
too embarrassing.

That's it. We're pigs.
It's spring. We're cleaning.

I mean, I just don't know
how it got this bad.

Starving!

A box? Okay.
This is officially

the second-worst breakfast you've ever made.
It's for cleaning.

What? You were serious?
But it's spring break!

We're supposed to be
chilling hard-core!

Chilling hard-core
for 20 years

is what let all this junk
pile up.

I mean, the police had to come.
We're criminally messy. (Mike) She's right.

The cops are looking for
the people who did this.

Technically, we're on the lam, so hop to.
But I was gonna go to the copy store today

and copy all of my books
in case we ever do get robbed.

By the way, I need 50,000 quarters.
Okay, come on, you guys. This is gonna be way easier

than we think.
If we all work together,

we're gonna be relaxing
in a clean house by lunch.

Now let's start cleaning up the crap.
Everything we own is crap.

Crap we use and...

Crap we don't use.

Now we're gonna
have to be heartless.

If you haven't touched it
in a year, toss it.

Oprah says we need to live
for the life we're living today.

Be heartless. Got it.

We can't use this box
for garbage!

This is the box
my high chair came in.

Pay attention
to the box names, people.

The inflatable foot bath
is not "keep." It's "charity."

And I think the needy
have enough problems

without drinking
our expired cough syrup.

Aw! It's Brick's
second grade diorama!

Mom! How can you
just throw that out?

It's a beloved memento from
your youngest son's childhood.

Brick, you remember
your diorama, right?

Yeah.

Attaboy, Brick.
Way to be heartless.

Mike, what are you doin'?

You can't put your coffee mug
on the table.

It's a clean zone now.
It's been inoculated.

One mug, one magazine,
one backpack

is permission for the whole
thing to go South again.

Oh, that's nuts. Me putting
my mug down is not gonna...

My bed's done!

You had all these in your room,
and you still watched me

eat pot roast out of
a measuring cup last night?

Uh, you think you might need
this biology book tomorrow?

Ha. Spring break.
No school tomorrow. Burn.

What about next week?

I'm living for the life
I'm living today.

Axl! You're really
gonna give away

the "best brother" Oscar
I gave you?

You beat out Brick for it!

It was an honor
just to be nominated.

One word... Buddha-ism.
I don't need things.

I can walk away from
all this in a heartbeat,

even you guys. I'll just wander
the earth as a peaceful nomad

doing good deeds.

Dude, mom, it's 3:00 and I'm still starving.
You said we'd be done by now,

and it's getting worse
instead of better.

Well, I can't make anybody lunch
if I can't get to the fridge,

now can I? I say we clear
one path to the fridge

and one to the bathroom,
and call it.

You're right.
This isn't working.

You know what we're gonna do?
We're going full Oprah.

Everything goes
outside in the yard.

Nothing comes back
through the front door

unless you convince me that
you truly love it and need it.

Sue, go outside.
Mom!

As always, Oprah was right.

Things were starting
to look a little better...

Inside.

Yep, I'm sure this is how
Oprah spends her Sundays, too.

Where do you want
this thing anyway?

I found a bunch of m80s.
Let's blow it up.

Just put it on the curb.
Somebody will take it.

Excuse me.
I'm looking for oak street.

Oh, okay. What you want to do
is turn left at the sign,

go three blocks, veer right,
then make the second left.

Thanks.

Hey, I got a history test
coming up.

Who was Abraham Lincoln's
vice president?

Actually, he had two...

Hannibal Hamlin,
then Andrew Johnson,

who became president after
Lincoln was assassinated.

Sweet. Thanks.

Tell your friends!

Hey.

Did mom say you could
bring those in?

Did mom say you could
eat that candy bar?

I found it under the couch.

Why do you even need
those stupid curlers?

They're broken anyway.

I've had them
since fourth grade.

What, are you afraid

you're gonna hurt their feelings
if you throw 'em out?

What? I-I was kidding.
Oh, my God!

Sue thinks her curlers have feelings!
No, I don't!

Really? What if I did this?
No, no.

Ohh. Ooh. Stop it. Stop it!
You're scaring it!

Scaring it? Oh, my God. This
just gets better and better.

No. No, Axl. Axl, give them
back! Give them back right now!

Hey. Stop! Stop! Stop!
You can save one.

Which one
will it be, Sue? This one?

Or this one?

Please don't make me choose!
Look, look, I know it's silly,

but I used to put them
in my hair in a different order

each time so that
none of them felt left out.

I'm sorry, Sue.
I didn't know...

You were out
of your freaking mind!

Ugh! God, Axl!

Guys, stop standing around.

Come on now.
There's no time for talking.

If we focus,
we can finish by dinner.

All right. It's midnight.
I'm calling this thing.

Everybody in.
We'll finish tomorrow.

But what if somebody
takes our stuff?

Then we'd be lucky.

But nobody took anything.

In fact, we woke up the next
morning to even more stuff.

A cat carrier?
We never had a cat.

Other people are
dumping their stuff.

And we didn't finish
that day, either.

After other people
started dumping,

we moved the stuff
from the yard

back into the family room.
On the third day,

it moved into the kitchen.

By the fourth day,
we all went a little crazy.

We are never gonna
get rid of all this stuff!

You know what we have to do?
We have to get rid of ourselves.

Seriously. We'll just
walk away and live in a van.

Yeah, we'll just travel
around the country and...

and learn about each other,
and barter for things and food,

and not fill our lives
with possessions.

Fill our van with love.

But this being America,
in times of tragedy,

there's always someone
making a buck off of it.

So to get the full cardio
benefit at your age and weight,

your target heart rate should be
137 for about 20 minutes.

I.U. Has about
32,000 undergrads,

while Notre dame
only has eight.

Thanks. Hi. I have that information
for you about tupperware.

If you want to call me back,
I'll be here till 5:00.

Then I have to take a bath.

Next.

Come on. If you're not
gonna support my van plan,

help clear the stuff off the bed
so we have someplace to sleep.

Hey, all this crap is
your stuff, not mine.

All I got is maybe six things
in that box over there.

I'm van-ready all the time.

Ooh, Mike only has six things.
What do you want? A medal?

Sure. Give it to me,
I'll throw it away.

Let me just see what six things
made it into your special box.

Ohh. Floorboard
from the I.U. Assembly hall

I gave you for father's day.
That's nice.

"Sports illustrated" from when
the colts won the super bowl.

Okay. "Pro-con riding
lawn mower." What's this?

Oh, that's my decision list.

I do one for every
big decision I got to make.

"Pro... 25 horsepower.
Con... less exercise."

You actually kept this?

Sure. That way I can
go back and look at it

in case I ever want
to get another mower.

Really? That's so cute.
Oh...

"Pro-con deck sealant"...

"Pro-con blender"...

"Pro-con marry Frankie"?

Oh, yeah.

Seriously, Mike? You made a pro
and con list about marrying me?

You know,
you should be flattered

that I took the time
to mull it over.

A woman doesn't want
to be mulled over, Mike.

She wants to think her husband
just went with his heart.

And how many things
that you bought with your heart

are we throwing out right now?

No, no... pro-con. That's how
I do things. That's my system.

Okay. Fine. Let's see why
you wanted to marry me, hmm?

Pro number one...
"tax break." Tax break?!

It's an all-inclusive list
in no particular order.

Number two...
"likes 'reservoir dogs.'"

well, we both know
that's a lie.

Three... "pretty."

Four... "great at"...

You didn't even finish this one.
What exactly am I great at?

Letting things go?

Okay. There's only
four pros on this list.

Actually, only three and a half

'cause the last one
you didn't even finish,

and there's, like, 15 cons!
I said you were pretty.

"Cons"...
Oh, let's not do this.

"Chatty."
That was back when I thought

I had to listen to
everything you said.

"Loud"?

Now that comes in handy
for yelling at the kids.

All right. I'll give you
that one. "Cries"?

Got to be honest with you,
still not a fan.

"The wine dance"?

It's called seduction, Mike.

Look, this was you 20 years ago.
It's got nothing to do

with you today,
so let's just give it here.

No, no, no.
Let's keep reading.

I'm really having fun
learning how you think.

"Good mother question mark"?

But now we know
that you are one,

so let's just turn that
question mark into an arrow

and send it over to the pro.
Or, even better...

We're trying to
get rid of stuff?

Let's just get rid of the list!

Oh, no, no, no.
I think you should keep it,

just in case you ever want
to get another wife.

Word in the park says
you can answer any question.

I was headed to lunch,
but I got 30 seconds.

What's your question?

Why are my parents
getting a divorce?

Guys, come on.

I told you to take this stuff
to the donation place hours ago.

It's Sue's fault.
She's been going back and forth

on those curlers all day.
She thinks they're alive.

I didn't say they're alive!
I said they have feelings!

I know they don't.
It's just...

I can't get rid of them, because
then they might feel bad.

Which is ridiculous,
'cause they don't have feelings.

I just don't want them
to feel abandoned, you know?

Well, Sue, don't think
of it as abandoning them.

You're donating them.

And somewhere out there
is a homeless man

with straight hair,
who will use these

to curl his locks, get a job
and change his life.

Really?

Okay.

Quick, run these to the car
before she changes her mind.

Meanwhile,
Brick was a bit thrown

by the question
from his latest client,

but Brick being Brick,

he turned to the wisdom
of the ages.

My arm is killing me! Why
couldn't we just tie this down?

Wait for it...

Automatic unload.

Oh, no. Closed?!

Ugh. Now we're gonna have
to load everything back up.

No way.
Let's just dump and run.

But... but the sign says, "do not
leave items after hours."

There's no way we're
carting all this crap back home.

Stop wussing out and help me.

Do not leave items after hours.

Oh, no. They're watching us.

Chill.
It's just a recording.

This is not just a recording.

You... boy with the red tricycle,
girl with the straight hair,

it is illegal
to leave items after hours,

per Indiana penal code
35-45, section 3.

Um, I'm sorry. It's just...
We've come all this way and...

Screw 'em! We're done!
Let's blow!

We're really good kids!
I promise!

Oh, no!

I was going to leave a note
for whoever got the curlers.

You have to jiggle the plug.

You have to jiggle the plug!

Full house down there.

Maybe we can jam the rest
of these boxes in the attic.

Yeah.
Well, almost done up here.

Oh! Uh-oh. What's this?

Huh! "Pro-con Mike."

Oh, man. Is that thing
still bugging you?

What? No. I just found this.
I must have made this years ago.

It's on the back of Brick's
report card from last week.

Fine. Whatever.
Look, I might have some flaws,

but believe me,
you're no Brian Williams.

Let's take a little look-see

at some of
your many, many, many cons.

One... "freakishly tall."
Two... "can't hit the toilet."

That's part of being tall.

Three...
"mean in the morning."

Four... "list maker."

Five... your version
of the wine dance...

"You up?"

Okay, Frankie,
you made your point.

Oh, wait, wait.
You want to hear your pros?

One... "absolutely amazing
and fantastic at"...

Oops. I left it blank,
and now I can't remember

what you're absolutely
amazing and fantastic at.

Frankie, it's a stupid paper
from 20 years ago. Let it go.

Let it go? The blender
has more pros than me!

Well, the blender crushes ice
and turns off when I want it to.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Am I being too chatty?

It's crazy that you even
had to make a list to decide

to marry me in the first place,
considering...

Considering what?

Considering
who you were back then,

the level of women you dated...

Let's just say you we
pretty lucky to land me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you saying I married up?

And bingo was his name-o.

Oh, and you got nothin' out of this deal?
Oh, I got something. I got a lifetime

full of toenail clippings
in my "people" magazine!

Hang on. Your list was based
on 18 years of marriage.

Mine's from
six months of dating.

But we're allowed to go there?
'Cause I'll go there. Then go there.

I'm not going there.

Axl, did you hear that?
They're coming to arrest us. For what?

Penal code 35-45,
section 3.

We need to get
our story straight.

Okay. Here's the story.

We went to donate
to charity, and...

We did.
Hope we don't get the chair.

But the sign... and the voice.
Oh, that voice... it haunts me!

Maybe we should
tell mom and dad.

There's nothing to tell!

Except that spring break
was a major suck fest!

Well, just so you know, whatever
happens, I got your back.

Sorry, Sue. I'd love to
talk to you about this more,

but my stapler's feeling
pretty left out,

so I got to go
spend some time with it.

You absolutely do that!
You do it all the time.

Do you ever stop to think that
maybe I'm busy doing something?

Like vacuuming the whole
family room for Sue's birthday

so that we won't be embarrassed
in front of the neighbors?

Oh, you're worried about being
embarrassed in front of a bunch

of little girls, but you're not
embarrassed by the cement geese

on our front porch!
They're whimsical!

They're not so whimsical
when I smashed into 'em with

my bare feet, and I'm hopping
around the house bleeding,

trying to find a band-aid!
Yeah, well, buy a band-aid for once in your life!

You never buy band-aids! You never buy anything!
I buy band-as, but they're never the right kind!

Yeah, you buy the cheap ones
that float off in the tub

and clog the drain!
What do you know about the drain?

When have you ever
unclogged the drain?

Do you even know
where the wrench is?

Where's the bench, Frankie? Where's the wrench?
If I knew where the stupid wrench is,

what the hell
do I need you for?!

Mom! Dad!
What?!

Why do people get divorced?

Oh, honey...

Sweetie...

We're not getting divorced.

No, your dad and I love
each other very much. See?

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

Yeah, Brick. Your mom and I
aren't really fighting.

Oh, I wasn't asking about
you guys. It's for work.

But I see you're busy.

Ooh!
This is Brick's report card.

We have to sign it
and send it back to school.

See, that's why you shouldn't
digging up the past.

Dust flies, stuff gets
uncovered, things get said.

And some things are just better
buried and forgotten.

I'll get it!

Hi, officers. What's going on?

Good news, Mrs. heck.
We found your stuff.

The criminals just dumped it all
in an alley.

The criminals who robbed us.
Heh. Remember, mom?

Fortunately, some of it
was labeled with your name.

It's a slow day,

so we loaded up a few cruisers
and brought it all back.

- Hey, guys.
- All of it? That's just great.

So that's the thing
oh, about divorce.

Some couples rush into marriage

without really thinking
about the pros and cons.

Others just grow apart.

In the case of
Scarlett Johansson

and Ryan Reynolds,
it was distance... and egos.

Thanks, but I actually
came to tell you

I misheard my parents when I was
listening through the wall.

They're not getting a divorce.
They're getting me a horse.

Arabian or quarter horse?

Because Arabians need
a much bigger paddock.

Paddock.

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