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1
00:00:06,865 --> 00:00:08,131
Well, that about wraps up
2
00:00:08,251 --> 00:00:09,788
Taco Corp's
annual board meeting.
3
00:00:09,985 --> 00:00:11,952
All in favor, say aye.
4
00:00:12,037 --> 00:00:13,070
Yes, Lord.
5
00:00:13,155 --> 00:00:15,038
Cheers, Marshawn.
6
00:00:15,074 --> 00:00:16,540
Cheers to Taco Corp.
7
00:00:16,575 --> 00:00:18,375
Cheers. Well, as you know,
8
00:00:18,410 --> 00:00:20,544
Taco Corp had a record year.
9
00:00:20,579 --> 00:00:23,630
So I'm gonna be paying you
your dividend in Skittles.
10
00:00:23,716 --> 00:00:25,883
Come on, man, you know
that's my thing, right, brah?
11
00:00:25,918 --> 00:00:27,301
No, I had no idea.
12
00:00:27,386 --> 00:00:28,502
That's how I pay everyone.
13
00:00:28,587 --> 00:00:29,753
What?
KEVIN: Taco!
14
00:00:29,805 --> 00:00:31,421
If you're, uh, done
with your meeting,
15
00:00:31,507 --> 00:00:32,673
can I have a beer, please?
16
00:00:32,758 --> 00:00:34,424
Yeah, sure.
17
00:00:34,510 --> 00:00:36,343
(groans)
Ooh.
18
00:00:36,428 --> 00:00:37,761
Last one.
19
00:00:37,846 --> 00:00:40,147
Just hand it to me,
and I'll run it over to him.
20
00:00:40,232 --> 00:00:41,598
Nah, I'll toss it to him.
21
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:42,933
Just hand it to me.
22
00:00:42,985 --> 00:00:44,017
No need to throw it, man.
Come on.
23
00:00:44,103 --> 00:00:45,319
No, it's really easy.
24
00:00:45,404 --> 00:00:46,770
I'll just throw it to him,
he'll catch it.
25
00:00:46,822 --> 00:00:48,272
Come on, man, we're so close.
I could run it over.
26
00:00:48,324 --> 00:00:49,940
It's just right here.
27
00:00:49,992 --> 00:00:51,658
I just want a beer.
28
00:00:51,744 --> 00:00:52,826
Come on, man,
29
00:00:52,912 --> 00:00:54,995
I can sleepwalk
that thing to him, boy.
30
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:56,363
Come on, man.
31
00:00:56,448 --> 00:00:58,582
All right. Eh.
32
00:00:58,617 --> 00:01:00,534
I think I'm gonna throw it.
What's the worst
33
00:01:00,619 --> 00:01:02,419
that could happen? Catch.
34
00:01:02,454 --> 00:01:03,420
What? No, no, no!
35
00:01:03,455 --> 00:01:05,589
No, no, Taco! Oh!
36
00:01:05,624 --> 00:01:06,373
(screaming)
Whoa.
37
00:01:08,544 --> 00:01:10,127
I'm on fire!
I'm burning!
38
00:01:10,212 --> 00:01:11,345
Help!
39
00:01:11,430 --> 00:01:12,963
Help! Help me!
That's why you run it.
40
00:01:13,048 --> 00:01:15,265
Fire! Fire! Fire!
41
00:01:15,301 --> 00:01:16,433
Still think
it was the right call.
42
00:01:16,502 --> 00:01:17,434
Fire!
43
00:01:17,554 --> 00:01:22,884
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
44
00:01:23,004 --> 00:01:25,809
ANDRE: Come on, Tottenham!
You get 'em there, lads!
45
00:01:25,861 --> 00:01:26,977
Get 'em there!
46
00:01:27,029 --> 00:01:29,146
Ol?, ol?, ol?, ol?...
47
00:01:29,231 --> 00:01:31,148
(groans)
Please, please, please, Andre.
48
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,282
What? Come on.
Stop.
49
00:01:32,318 --> 00:01:33,817
What's the score?
Am I winning?
50
00:01:33,869 --> 00:01:36,370
The score is Andre zero
and you have zero.
51
00:01:36,455 --> 00:01:37,904
Right.
Yeah,
52
00:01:37,990 --> 00:01:39,873
well, there's a six-way tie
at the top for first
53
00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:41,325
with zero points.
(groans)
54
00:01:41,377 --> 00:01:43,043
Soccer sucks.
RUXIN: Fantasy soccer sucks.
55
00:01:43,128 --> 00:01:46,663
We need to figure out
a new point system,
56
00:01:46,715 --> 00:01:47,881
'cause there's not
enough scoring here.
57
00:01:47,967 --> 00:01:50,801
Like, you get a point
every time a dude flops
58
00:01:50,836 --> 00:01:53,553
or the supporters of your team
start a riot.
59
00:01:53,639 --> 00:01:56,590
I am so glad that the NFL draft
is in Chicago next week.
60
00:01:56,675 --> 00:01:58,342
I cannot wait
for football season
61
00:01:58,394 --> 00:01:59,810
to start back up.
62
00:01:59,845 --> 00:02:01,311
I found myself going
back to our league site,
63
00:02:01,347 --> 00:02:03,180
just checking in
like a serial killer
64
00:02:03,232 --> 00:02:04,632
returning to the scene
of his crime.
65
00:02:04,650 --> 00:02:05,732
KEVIN:
Speaking of crime scenes,
66
00:02:05,818 --> 00:02:08,185
we are trying to
potty train CB...
67
00:02:08,270 --> 00:02:09,569
BOTH:
Chalupa Batman.
68
00:02:09,655 --> 00:02:11,438
...and it is not going well.
69
00:02:11,523 --> 00:02:13,740
So if you see some mounds
or puddles on the ground,
70
00:02:13,826 --> 00:02:16,159
just quietly
notify us, please.
71
00:02:16,195 --> 00:02:17,944
I did see a wet mound out there
in the hallway.
72
00:02:18,030 --> 00:02:19,196
Just assumed
it was yours, Kevin.
73
00:02:19,281 --> 00:02:21,281
Very funny. It's not mine.
Are you sure?
74
00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:22,699
'Cause there's a bunch
of Pete's pubic hair in it.
75
00:02:22,751 --> 00:02:23,700
(whistle blows)
76
00:02:23,786 --> 00:02:25,252
Sorry I'm late, guys.
77
00:02:25,337 --> 00:02:26,620
Went into overtime.
78
00:02:26,705 --> 00:02:27,921
JENNY:
Oh, there he is,
79
00:02:28,007 --> 00:02:29,873
the guy who can't get
his own life together,
80
00:02:29,958 --> 00:02:31,875
yet runs around on a field
telling other people what to do.
81
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,010
What can I say?
82
00:02:33,045 --> 00:02:34,378
I like being a ref.
83
00:02:34,430 --> 00:02:36,096
It's very rare that
a man in my position
84
00:02:36,181 --> 00:02:37,964
gets to be a total dictator,
and I appreciate it.
85
00:02:38,050 --> 00:02:40,384
You're like the Stalin
of JV girls' volleyball.
86
00:02:40,469 --> 00:02:42,269
ANDRE: Um, actually, Pete,
I have a question.
87
00:02:42,354 --> 00:02:43,970
Where did you get the outfit?
88
00:02:44,056 --> 00:02:45,472
Foot Locker? (chuckles)
89
00:02:45,557 --> 00:02:47,524
Um, yeah, actually, I did.
90
00:02:47,559 --> 00:02:48,809
That would be the place
to get something like that.
91
00:02:48,894 --> 00:02:49,943
KEVIN:
It's logical.
92
00:02:50,029 --> 00:02:51,611
So...
Burn.
93
00:02:51,697 --> 00:02:53,063
(chuckles)
PETE: Yeah.
94
00:02:53,115 --> 00:02:54,981
All right, so, guys,
95
00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:57,234
today is
the fantasy football equinox.
96
00:02:57,319 --> 00:02:58,902
The exact midpoint
97
00:02:58,987 --> 00:03:00,787
between the last game
of the 2014 season
98
00:03:00,873 --> 00:03:02,656
and the first game
of the 2015 season.
99
00:03:02,741 --> 00:03:03,822
Yes.
So without further ado,
100
00:03:03,826 --> 00:03:04,991
if you would follow me.
101
00:03:05,077 --> 00:03:07,127
(groans)
Just finish up the game.
102
00:03:07,212 --> 00:03:08,328
(blows whistle) Thank you very much.
Okay.
103
00:03:08,414 --> 00:03:09,963
Delay of game, let's go.
104
00:03:10,049 --> 00:03:11,498
Let's go.
105
00:03:11,583 --> 00:03:12,966
It's cool that they give you flags.
Yeah.
106
00:03:13,052 --> 00:03:14,418
Oh, Andre,
107
00:03:14,470 --> 00:03:17,087
since our Shiva was
pretty badly burned last season,
108
00:03:17,139 --> 00:03:19,056
we thought it was appropriate
that our champion
109
00:03:19,091 --> 00:03:20,590
got a new trophy.
110
00:03:20,676 --> 00:03:24,061
"Ooh, all right, all right."
111
00:03:24,096 --> 00:03:25,679
Matthew McConaughey.
112
00:03:25,764 --> 00:03:27,147
Behind door number one.
113
00:03:27,232 --> 00:03:28,899
ALL:
Ooh.
114
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:30,851
I like that.
115
00:03:30,936 --> 00:03:33,320
Wait, you made a bronze turd?
116
00:03:33,405 --> 00:03:35,405
Hmm-mm-mm, I found
a real turd
117
00:03:35,441 --> 00:03:37,607
and I spray-painted it
with bronze paint.
118
00:03:37,693 --> 00:03:38,742
Oh, no, that's gross.
119
00:03:38,777 --> 00:03:39,826
Well, that's how we felt
120
00:03:39,912 --> 00:03:41,278
when you won the championship.
121
00:03:41,330 --> 00:03:42,362
(groans)
KEVIN: Well, perhaps you'll like
122
00:03:42,448 --> 00:03:43,613
this one better.
123
00:03:43,665 --> 00:03:46,116
I like to call it
"When SheDre Met
124
00:03:46,168 --> 00:03:47,751
HeDre." Huh?
125
00:03:47,786 --> 00:03:48,952
What do you think?
126
00:03:49,037 --> 00:03:50,921
It's actually not bad.
I like it.
127
00:03:50,956 --> 00:03:52,122
What?
128
00:03:52,174 --> 00:03:53,256
It's perfect.
129
00:03:53,292 --> 00:03:54,758
Oh, my gosh, I love it.
It's great.
130
00:03:54,793 --> 00:03:56,927
Oh, shit.
131
00:03:56,962 --> 00:03:58,595
All right, it's out.
Yeah, you don't get that one.
132
00:03:58,630 --> 00:03:59,296
No. What?
RUXIN: All right, Andre,
133
00:03:59,381 --> 00:04:00,597
I want you to know
134
00:04:00,632 --> 00:04:02,632
I spent a lot of time,
money and thought on this,
135
00:04:02,684 --> 00:04:04,101
and I'm very proud.
Just show me the stupid thing.
136
00:04:04,136 --> 00:04:05,635
No, let me finish my mislead.
137
00:04:05,721 --> 00:04:08,221
And so I really hope that
you enjoy what I've created.
138
00:04:08,307 --> 00:04:09,106
Okay, thank you.
139
00:04:09,141 --> 00:04:11,358
Ta-da!
140
00:04:11,443 --> 00:04:13,477
This is an original
Kluneberg design.
141
00:04:13,562 --> 00:04:15,061
You are wearing a hoodie
142
00:04:15,147 --> 00:04:17,647
just like fellow tainted
champion Bill Belichick.
143
00:04:17,733 --> 00:04:19,449
And to that point,
144
00:04:19,485 --> 00:04:21,618
you will also notice
that the two footballs here
145
00:04:21,653 --> 00:04:23,403
are just slightly deflated,
146
00:04:23,489 --> 00:04:25,038
like your soggy cum buckets.
147
00:04:25,124 --> 00:04:26,323
KEVIN: The wrinkles
in the sweatshirt
148
00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:27,491
are so veiny.
149
00:04:27,576 --> 00:04:28,658
The final statue
150
00:04:28,744 --> 00:04:31,411
will have a fountain feature
151
00:04:31,497 --> 00:04:33,997
with a sour sauce
shooting out the top.
152
00:04:34,082 --> 00:04:35,165
No, stop the R & D.
153
00:04:35,250 --> 00:04:36,249
I don't want that.
154
00:04:36,335 --> 00:04:37,384
Ooh! Ooh! My turn.
155
00:04:39,004 --> 00:04:41,171
I present to you...
156
00:04:41,223 --> 00:04:44,341
the fantasy football trophy.
157
00:04:44,426 --> 00:04:46,226
Stuff from M?nage ? Cinq.
Yeah. (laughs)
158
00:04:46,311 --> 00:04:47,644
Your business failed.
159
00:04:47,679 --> 00:04:48,645
JENNY:
Taco.
160
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,347
It's not 2013.
161
00:04:50,432 --> 00:04:51,848
I know, that's the joke.
162
00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:52,983
Wait, what's the joke?
163
00:04:53,018 --> 00:04:55,519
(scoffs)
This guy doesn't get it.
164
00:04:55,604 --> 00:04:58,021
Andre, let me show you the
trophy you are going to pick.
165
00:04:58,073 --> 00:04:59,156
Oh, exciting.
166
00:04:59,191 --> 00:05:00,407
Da-da-da-da!
167
00:05:00,492 --> 00:05:02,159
Whoa!
168
00:05:02,194 --> 00:05:03,527
The Dre is back, baby.
169
00:05:03,612 --> 00:05:05,245
Oh, not so fast.
170
00:05:05,330 --> 00:05:06,446
It's not done yet.
171
00:05:06,532 --> 00:05:07,948
I call it...
172
00:05:08,033 --> 00:05:09,332
(clinks)
173
00:05:09,368 --> 00:05:11,501
...Dre on Dre.
174
00:05:11,537 --> 00:05:13,870
Ooh, you can see the point
of Dre-nal entry.
175
00:05:13,956 --> 00:05:15,622
Wait, what is the one Dre doing
to the other Dre?
176
00:05:15,707 --> 00:05:17,707
It just commemorates the moment
that the Dre
177
00:05:17,759 --> 00:05:21,211
really became a living legend
and a part of your anatomy.
178
00:05:21,263 --> 00:05:23,880
No, no, I'm not choosing
any of these, okay?
179
00:05:23,932 --> 00:05:25,048
'Cause they suck.
180
00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:26,466
Hey!
181
00:05:26,552 --> 00:05:28,685
We worked really hard
on these, Andre.
182
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,604
I'm sorry, Ruxin,
I, I don't mean to upset you.
183
00:05:30,689 --> 00:05:32,722
I just feel like when you guys
are all coming at me like this,
184
00:05:32,774 --> 00:05:33,940
it's like, I don't know,
185
00:05:34,026 --> 00:05:35,225
you're making fun of me
or something.
186
00:05:35,310 --> 00:05:37,310
'Cause I feel like when I look
at it at face value,
187
00:05:37,362 --> 00:05:39,863
I just see, like, a big poop,
me kissing myself,
188
00:05:39,898 --> 00:05:42,482
me as a dick, a reminder
that my restaurant failed,
189
00:05:42,568 --> 00:05:43,650
and me putting my hand
in my ass.
190
00:05:43,735 --> 00:05:45,402
I think we're probably
just jealous.
191
00:05:45,487 --> 00:05:46,903
Yeah.
I mean, you did win
192
00:05:46,989 --> 00:05:47,988
Ted's beach house.
193
00:05:48,073 --> 00:05:49,406
Yeah, some beach house.
194
00:05:49,491 --> 00:05:50,991
Talked to
the insurance company today,
195
00:05:51,076 --> 00:05:54,578
and apparently I owe $150,000
due to all the fire damage.
196
00:05:54,663 --> 00:05:55,745
What?
197
00:05:55,797 --> 00:05:57,247
(chuckles) That's so much money.
198
00:05:57,299 --> 00:05:59,299
It's not an asset anymore.
It's a deficit.
199
00:05:59,384 --> 00:06:00,584
As a matter of fact,
200
00:06:00,669 --> 00:06:02,252
whoever wins the Sacko
this year,
201
00:06:02,304 --> 00:06:03,553
they get the house.
202
00:06:03,589 --> 00:06:04,588
Hmm, that's interesting.
203
00:06:04,673 --> 00:06:05,633
Yeah, I kind of like it.
204
00:06:05,674 --> 00:06:06,973
Speaking of the Sacko,
205
00:06:07,059 --> 00:06:08,225
I do think it's time
we turn our attention
206
00:06:08,260 --> 00:06:09,341
to this year's loser, Taco.
207
00:06:09,344 --> 00:06:10,594
RUXIN:
That could be said
208
00:06:10,646 --> 00:06:12,145
about every year.
I think we should begin
209
00:06:12,231 --> 00:06:13,513
with a small
210
00:06:13,599 --> 00:06:14,931
but disgusting task--
211
00:06:15,017 --> 00:06:16,850
no more toilets for you.
212
00:06:16,935 --> 00:06:19,402
You can only use a Porta Potti
for the next month.
213
00:06:19,438 --> 00:06:21,438
Ooh.
What about sleeping?
214
00:06:21,490 --> 00:06:23,940
What? No, no, you can't sleep
on a toilet either.
215
00:06:24,026 --> 00:06:25,442
So I can only have sex
on a toilet?
216
00:06:25,527 --> 00:06:26,076
Okay.
217
00:06:26,111 --> 00:06:27,277
No, stop it.
218
00:06:27,362 --> 00:06:28,411
Harsh.
219
00:06:34,369 --> 00:06:35,452
Pete?
220
00:06:36,788 --> 00:06:37,704
Pete.
221
00:06:37,789 --> 00:06:38,922
Meegan?
222
00:06:38,957 --> 00:06:41,124
Holy shit.
Do we hug?
223
00:06:41,209 --> 00:06:43,093
Oh, let's try it. Oh, my God.
Hi.
224
00:06:43,128 --> 00:06:44,928
My God, it's so nice to see you.
This is crazy. I'm gonna just call it.
225
00:06:44,963 --> 00:06:45,929
What?
226
00:06:45,964 --> 00:06:47,597
Five years.
227
00:06:47,633 --> 00:06:50,050
It's literally been five years
since we've seen each other.
228
00:06:50,135 --> 00:06:51,468
Five years, yeah.
What is going on? How are you?
229
00:06:51,553 --> 00:06:52,719
I mean, look, you look great.
What's happening?
230
00:06:52,804 --> 00:06:53,770
Um, thank you.
231
00:06:53,805 --> 00:06:55,522
I moved out west.
232
00:06:55,607 --> 00:06:56,773
Okay.
233
00:06:56,808 --> 00:06:58,129
I was working in PR.
Now I'm back.
234
00:06:58,143 --> 00:06:59,309
What?
This is crazy,
235
00:06:59,394 --> 00:07:00,310
'cause I was thinking of you
the other day.
236
00:07:00,395 --> 00:07:01,478
Why?
237
00:07:01,530 --> 00:07:02,812
Don't take this the wrong way,
238
00:07:02,864 --> 00:07:04,531
but I saw this really dumb dog
eating a pinecone,
239
00:07:04,616 --> 00:07:06,232
and I remembered...
240
00:07:06,318 --> 00:07:08,451
Oh, my God, the Down doggy, which...
Down doggy.
241
00:07:08,487 --> 00:07:10,487
You know what?
I owe you an apology.
242
00:07:10,539 --> 00:07:12,906
You were right.
The difference between, like,
243
00:07:12,991 --> 00:07:15,825
a Down syndrome dog
and just a regular dog,
244
00:07:15,911 --> 00:07:17,377
it's like negligible.
The difference is, like,
245
00:07:17,462 --> 00:07:18,828
it's that.
It's negligible.
246
00:07:18,914 --> 00:07:21,748
It's really nice to see you.
247
00:07:21,833 --> 00:07:23,416
I mean, what's the, what's the,
what's the protocol here?
248
00:07:23,502 --> 00:07:25,635
Like, are you busy?
Can we get a drink now?
249
00:07:25,671 --> 00:07:27,420
I just, I have to go put money
in my meter,
250
00:07:27,506 --> 00:07:28,972
and I don't want to get a ticket, so...
Oh, yeah, sure. Well, look,
251
00:07:29,007 --> 00:07:30,840
my number's still the same.
We'll do it some other time.
252
00:07:30,926 --> 00:07:32,475
(whoops)
Ay...
253
00:07:32,511 --> 00:07:35,178
So is mine.
254
00:07:35,263 --> 00:07:36,730
Oh, is that a skort you're wearing?
Know what they say.
255
00:07:36,815 --> 00:07:40,650
Business in the front,
party in the back.
256
00:07:42,571 --> 00:07:44,437
PETE: Yeah, I mean, I wasa little nervous obviously
257
00:07:44,523 --> 00:07:46,022
'cause I hadn't seen her in forever,
Sure.
258
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:47,657
but, got to say, it was...
it was pretty cool.
259
00:07:47,693 --> 00:07:49,442
Great, that's good.
Good, that's good, yeah.
260
00:07:49,528 --> 00:07:50,827
So how'd you guys leave it?
261
00:07:50,862 --> 00:07:52,529
Well, she had to run
and put money in the meter,
262
00:07:52,614 --> 00:07:54,030
but, you know, I think
we'll catch up later.
263
00:07:54,082 --> 00:07:55,198
RUXIN:
Hmm.
264
00:07:55,283 --> 00:07:56,533
That's a classic
conversation ender.
265
00:07:56,618 --> 00:07:58,368
What are you talking about?
I mean, we all have one.
266
00:07:58,453 --> 00:07:59,869
RUXIN: Yeah, when you're in,
like, a boring conversation
267
00:07:59,955 --> 00:08:01,371
that you want to get out of,
you go like,
268
00:08:01,423 --> 00:08:03,206
"Ooh, criminy, forgot my keys."
269
00:08:04,876 --> 00:08:06,343
And then you bounce,
you're out of the convo.
270
00:08:06,378 --> 00:08:07,677
TACO:
Yeah, mine's similar.
271
00:08:07,713 --> 00:08:09,793
I say, "Oh, no, I don't want
to talk to you anymore."
272
00:08:09,798 --> 00:08:11,181
Fools 'em every time.
273
00:08:11,216 --> 00:08:12,432
Good, good.
Doesn't it?
274
00:08:12,517 --> 00:08:14,434
Yeah, well, this was
clearly not that.
275
00:08:14,519 --> 00:08:15,719
I'm getting another beer;
anybody want anything?
276
00:08:15,804 --> 00:08:16,844
JENNY: No.
KEVIN: I'm good.
277
00:08:16,855 --> 00:08:17,887
PETE:
All right.
278
00:08:17,973 --> 00:08:19,522
Ooh.
JENNY: Oh, man.
279
00:08:19,558 --> 00:08:21,474
He has no idea, does he?
Uh-uh.
280
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:22,976
None.
Well, we have to tell him.
281
00:08:23,061 --> 00:08:24,444
Feel free.
I'm not telling him.
282
00:08:24,529 --> 00:08:25,812
I'm not telling him either.
I'm not telling him.
283
00:08:25,897 --> 00:08:26,813
This is great.
284
00:08:26,898 --> 00:08:28,565
Hey, I forgot to tell you:
285
00:08:28,617 --> 00:08:30,984
I ran into Pete today
on the street.
286
00:08:31,069 --> 00:08:32,619
I was kind of freaked out,
I was like,
287
00:08:32,704 --> 00:08:33,903
"Oh, my God,
is he gonna be weird?"
288
00:08:33,955 --> 00:08:35,321
But he wasn't, he was great,
289
00:08:35,407 --> 00:08:38,208
I just... I didn't know
what to say to him, you know?
290
00:08:38,243 --> 00:08:39,542
(sighs)
291
00:08:39,578 --> 00:08:40,818
So when are you gonna tell him?
292
00:08:43,298 --> 00:08:45,382
Soon, my love, I promise.
293
00:08:51,841 --> 00:08:53,174
KEVIN:
Hello?
294
00:08:53,259 --> 00:08:55,292
Aah, still at the mall.
295
00:08:55,378 --> 00:08:57,011
Which means I have
a little alone time.
296
00:08:57,096 --> 00:08:59,547
Watch a little
Path to the Dra...
297
00:08:59,632 --> 00:09:00,848
What?!
298
00:09:00,933 --> 00:09:02,933
What is this?!
299
00:09:02,969 --> 00:09:03,851
No, Taco.
Hey.
300
00:09:03,936 --> 00:09:04,852
Goddamn it.
301
00:09:04,937 --> 00:09:05,970
What is this?
302
00:09:06,055 --> 00:09:07,021
The newspaper?
303
00:09:07,106 --> 00:09:08,105
It's the Ny Times.
304
00:09:08,141 --> 00:09:10,107
No. No, I'm talking about
305
00:09:10,143 --> 00:09:12,360
the gigantic Porta Potti
in my living room.
306
00:09:12,445 --> 00:09:14,111
Oh, well, you guys told me
307
00:09:14,147 --> 00:09:16,147
I can only use Porta Potties
to go to the bathroom,
308
00:09:16,149 --> 00:09:17,782
and I always go
to the bathroom here, so...
309
00:09:17,817 --> 00:09:19,700
What's wrong with the bathroom
at your house?
310
00:09:19,786 --> 00:09:21,152
I haven't had a working one
in months.
311
00:09:21,204 --> 00:09:22,903
Don't try to flush a dead
raccoon down the toilet.
312
00:09:22,989 --> 00:09:24,071
Does not work.
313
00:09:24,157 --> 00:09:25,790
When is this thing going
to be leaving?
314
00:09:25,825 --> 00:09:27,375
Well, that's up to you guys.
315
00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:29,493
But check this out.
316
00:09:29,545 --> 00:09:32,463
Put the Ruxin in there
for added humiliation.
317
00:09:34,333 --> 00:09:37,385
I am shamed, sir, I am shamed.
318
00:09:38,888 --> 00:09:40,921
(Ruxin laughs, snorts)
319
00:09:41,007 --> 00:09:43,974
Oh, man, you should really keep
it in the house permanently.
320
00:09:44,010 --> 00:09:45,226
It goes with the
rest of the decor.
321
00:09:45,311 --> 00:09:46,632
I've been trying
to get rid of it,
322
00:09:46,646 --> 00:09:48,396
but the company won't pick it up
till next Wednesday.
323
00:09:48,481 --> 00:09:50,898
This punishment totally
backfired on me.
324
00:09:50,983 --> 00:09:53,067
Guys, what is my
next punishment?
325
00:09:53,152 --> 00:09:55,152
I am loving
this. Look,
326
00:09:55,188 --> 00:09:57,021
I know you guys love shoving
things into people's butts,
327
00:09:57,106 --> 00:09:58,656
that's all you guys
ever talk about.
328
00:09:58,691 --> 00:10:00,691
So I figured that's
what was gonna be next,
329
00:10:00,777 --> 00:10:03,744
so I cut a hole in my jeans
to make it easier for you.
330
00:10:03,830 --> 00:10:04,862
No. No.
331
00:10:04,947 --> 00:10:06,197
Come on, shove
something in there.
332
00:10:06,249 --> 00:10:08,115
Why does it smell
like menthol cigarettes?
333
00:10:08,201 --> 00:10:09,867
Taco, no more punishments.
334
00:10:09,919 --> 00:10:11,869
You are not supposed
to be enjoying them.
335
00:10:11,921 --> 00:10:13,482
Guys, I realized
something about myself.
336
00:10:13,506 --> 00:10:15,539
I love being hazed.
337
00:10:15,591 --> 00:10:17,508
I guess it's because
in my everyday life
338
00:10:17,543 --> 00:10:19,260
I'm so in control all the time
339
00:10:19,345 --> 00:10:22,963
that it's so nice to give that
up, even for a brief moment.
340
00:10:23,049 --> 00:10:25,182
Come on, shove something
in my butt.
341
00:10:25,218 --> 00:10:27,051
Brother, can you spare a finger?
342
00:10:27,103 --> 00:10:29,937
You want your brother to shove
a finger up your asshole?
343
00:10:30,022 --> 00:10:31,722
Yeah, it's a little weird.
344
00:10:31,774 --> 00:10:33,974
Ruxin, shove a
finger in my butt.
345
00:10:34,060 --> 00:10:36,026
It smells like Bolognese now.
346
00:10:36,062 --> 00:10:38,062
How did it change smells?
JENNY: Oh, my God!
347
00:10:38,114 --> 00:10:40,397
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - What? What?
348
00:10:40,450 --> 00:10:42,731
Do you remember how the Bears
were having that sweepstakes
349
00:10:42,735 --> 00:10:44,869
for a fan to announce
one of the draft picks?
350
00:10:44,904 --> 00:10:46,287
KEVIN: Yeah.
I don't remember that.
351
00:10:46,372 --> 00:10:47,404
I won it.
352
00:10:47,490 --> 00:10:49,406
No way.
I am going to announce
353
00:10:49,492 --> 00:10:51,542
the third-round
draft pick this year!
354
00:10:51,577 --> 00:10:53,744
Holy shit, babe, that's awesome.
(laughs)
355
00:10:53,796 --> 00:10:56,380
Uh, and it is my birthday, too.
I know it is.
356
00:10:56,415 --> 00:10:57,882
And guess who I get to do it with.
Who?
357
00:10:57,917 --> 00:10:59,500
Jim McMahon.
358
00:10:59,585 --> 00:11:00,668
KEVIN:
No way!
359
00:11:00,753 --> 00:11:02,419
(gasps)
Brian?!
360
00:11:02,505 --> 00:11:04,004
(laughs)
What's up, everybody?
361
00:11:04,090 --> 00:11:07,675
I am loving this new
kitchen setup.
362
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,144
It is so much easier
to shit while I cook.
363
00:11:10,229 --> 00:11:12,646
Speaking of which,
364
00:11:12,732 --> 00:11:14,598
who wants garlic bread?
(groans)
365
00:11:14,650 --> 00:11:15,566
No.
366
00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:17,601
Fresh out of the oven?
367
00:11:17,687 --> 00:11:19,153
Ooh, ooh, ooh, shove it in here.
368
00:11:19,238 --> 00:11:20,118
RAFI:
Oh, look at this.
369
00:11:20,189 --> 00:11:21,906
Taco came dressed to eat.
370
00:11:21,941 --> 00:11:24,108
Just a good old-fashioned
garlic bread butt-shove.
371
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:25,025
Ugh.
372
00:11:27,747 --> 00:11:29,246
I feel like I'm having
my darkest days
373
00:11:29,282 --> 00:11:30,802
as the Sacko commissioner
here. I mean,
374
00:11:30,867 --> 00:11:32,950
how do you haze someone
who generally likes being naked,
375
00:11:33,035 --> 00:11:34,001
likes being drugged,
376
00:11:34,086 --> 00:11:35,753
likes week-old
sushi.
377
00:11:35,788 --> 00:11:37,121
He didn't even mind it
when I put him in a box
378
00:11:37,206 --> 00:11:38,289
and shipped him off to Canada.
379
00:11:38,341 --> 00:11:40,925
I mean, Taco is
essentially unsackable.
380
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,126
There has to be something.
381
00:11:42,211 --> 00:11:43,711
Make him read a book.
382
00:11:43,796 --> 00:11:45,296
Make him be monogamous.
383
00:11:45,381 --> 00:11:46,463
Ugh.
Yeah.
384
00:11:46,549 --> 00:11:47,631
RUXIN:
Well, I can't think
385
00:11:47,717 --> 00:11:48,883
about how to punish
this plankton anymore.
386
00:11:48,968 --> 00:11:50,134
I got to get back to work.
387
00:11:50,186 --> 00:11:52,553
Wait. That's it.
(whimpers)
388
00:11:52,638 --> 00:11:55,272
What if his punishment
is he has to go to work?
389
00:11:55,308 --> 00:11:57,725
Yes, a real job.
390
00:11:57,810 --> 00:11:59,527
Yes. 40-hours-a-week real job.
Yeah,
391
00:11:59,612 --> 00:12:01,278
like at a bank as an intern,
and he has to wear a suit
392
00:12:01,314 --> 00:12:02,754
and get yelled at,
like me every day.
393
00:12:02,815 --> 00:12:05,733
Yes, and he has to try really
hard-- no slacking off.
394
00:12:05,818 --> 00:12:07,318
Well, looks like my
work here is done.
395
00:12:07,370 --> 00:12:08,619
So...
396
00:12:08,654 --> 00:12:09,987
(blows whistle)
397
00:12:10,039 --> 00:12:12,289
I will be heading off to
referee my night game.
398
00:12:12,325 --> 00:12:14,074
Andre, movie tomorrow night?
399
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,210
Uh, uh, yeah.
400
00:12:16,295 --> 00:12:18,295
Maybe. (stammers)
I'll just check my thing.
401
00:12:18,331 --> 00:12:21,916
Check your thing?
Andre, you have got to tell him.
402
00:12:22,001 --> 00:12:23,500
It's hard, okay? I haven't found the right time.
There is no right time.
403
00:12:23,586 --> 00:12:25,586
What are you doing?
RUXIN: Yeah, it's like buying
404
00:12:25,671 --> 00:12:27,638
one of your hats. You just hold
your nose and do it.
405
00:12:27,673 --> 00:12:29,757
Ah, the joke's on you.
I don't choose my hats.
406
00:12:29,842 --> 00:12:31,759
They choose me.
407
00:12:34,180 --> 00:12:36,680
As you know, my birthday is coming up.
I know. I'm so excited.
408
00:12:36,766 --> 00:12:39,733
And we both know
that you are not the best
409
00:12:39,819 --> 00:12:43,020
at purchasing birthday presents, right?
I'm terrible.
410
00:12:43,105 --> 00:12:44,488
The year you got me
the fishing pole...
411
00:12:44,523 --> 00:12:46,273
You love fish.
Yes.
412
00:12:46,359 --> 00:12:48,909
I also love lobster,
but you didn't get me a trap.
413
00:12:48,995 --> 00:12:52,446
- Okay, so this year I'm gonna make it
real easy for you, okay? - Mm-hmm. Great.
414
00:12:52,531 --> 00:12:55,583
- All I want for my birthday
is to announce the pick. - Okay.
415
00:12:55,668 --> 00:12:58,502
Done. Happy birthday.
416
00:12:58,537 --> 00:13:00,537
I can't do it, babe.
417
00:13:00,590 --> 00:13:03,374
What? Oh...
Are you kidding me?
418
00:13:03,426 --> 00:13:04,708
You didn't think
that that would be something
419
00:13:04,794 --> 00:13:06,594
that I would've wanted?
Oh, no, I did think that.
420
00:13:06,679 --> 00:13:09,597
Good.
And then I won it. And then I was like,
421
00:13:09,682 --> 00:13:12,182
"Well, I'll just get
Kevin something better."
422
00:13:12,218 --> 00:13:13,601
(toilet seat lid drops)
423
00:13:13,686 --> 00:13:15,135
What?
Is Taco here?
424
00:13:15,221 --> 00:13:17,688
Are they doing garlic bread
again in there?
425
00:13:17,723 --> 00:13:20,608
I'm making a pee-pee!
426
00:13:20,693 --> 00:13:22,977
What?
Oh, my God.
427
00:13:23,062 --> 00:13:24,561
We're supposed to praise him.
428
00:13:24,647 --> 00:13:28,313
Yay.
Yay. Good job, buddy.
429
00:13:33,869 --> 00:13:36,737
(chuckles) This is amazing.
Chi-Town is Draft Town.
430
00:13:36,822 --> 00:13:38,538
Oh, man.
This is awesome.
431
00:13:38,624 --> 00:13:40,324
Day two of the draft!
432
00:13:40,376 --> 00:13:42,376
Look at this. All access.
Oh!
433
00:13:42,461 --> 00:13:45,379
VIP. I want the VIP one.
No, I am the VIP.
434
00:13:45,464 --> 00:13:46,964
Can we switch? I want...
I am the VIP.
435
00:13:46,999 --> 00:13:49,800
Oh, look, they got
Porta Potties, just like home.
436
00:13:49,835 --> 00:13:52,169
You know what, stop.
I am mortified
437
00:13:52,254 --> 00:13:54,221
that that's the only place
CB will go to the bathroom.
438
00:13:54,306 --> 00:13:56,173
He's Porta Potti-trained.
It's not like the rest of his life's
439
00:13:56,258 --> 00:13:59,176
gonna be filled with
that many real working toilets.
440
00:13:59,228 --> 00:14:00,560
Hey.
The kid's gonna end up
441
00:14:00,646 --> 00:14:02,229
a security guard
at motocross events anyway,
442
00:14:02,314 --> 00:14:04,181
so this is good practice.
What's that?
443
00:14:04,233 --> 00:14:07,567
Kettle corn?! Sweet and salty!
444
00:14:07,653 --> 00:14:09,319
ANDRE: Calais Campbell
and the Honey Badger.
445
00:14:09,355 --> 00:14:11,021
I know they're your favorites.
446
00:14:11,106 --> 00:14:14,358
What do you want, a football
or picture? I'll get you both.
447
00:14:14,410 --> 00:14:15,993
Okay, yeah...
Hey, Andre. Who you talking to?
448
00:14:16,028 --> 00:14:19,196
Um... Uh, we... Yes, well,
start the surgery right away,
449
00:14:19,248 --> 00:14:21,281
and I'll-I'll be there
in a few. Work.
450
00:14:21,367 --> 00:14:25,002
Okay.
451
00:14:25,037 --> 00:14:26,870
I'm starving.
Oh, hey, skills challenge.
452
00:14:26,955 --> 00:14:29,256
Oh, we can do...
Hey, Kevin, real quick, uh, have you noticed
453
00:14:29,341 --> 00:14:32,125
Andre has been...
super weird lately? Like,
454
00:14:32,211 --> 00:14:34,211
even for Andre weird?
W-Weird?
455
00:14:34,263 --> 00:14:36,847
Yeah.
What? No. He's-he's a weird guy.
456
00:14:36,882 --> 00:14:37,848
He's always been weird.
457
00:14:37,883 --> 00:14:40,767
Weird? You're weird.
458
00:14:40,853 --> 00:14:43,103
It's just weird
that you would even ask that.
459
00:14:43,188 --> 00:14:46,056
So you-you literally
haven't noticed? Anything?
460
00:14:46,141 --> 00:14:48,859
(gulping)
461
00:14:48,894 --> 00:14:50,477
Kevin...
462
00:14:50,562 --> 00:14:51,478
Thirsty?
(gulping continues)
463
00:14:51,563 --> 00:14:52,779
Yes!
464
00:14:52,865 --> 00:14:54,398
What is happening? Why...
Hey, hey.
465
00:14:54,450 --> 00:14:57,951
Babe, you have got to try
the skills challenge.
466
00:14:58,037 --> 00:14:59,820
Look, by the way, the fact
that you're not letting him
467
00:14:59,905 --> 00:15:00,871
announce the draft
pick on his birthday?
468
00:15:00,906 --> 00:15:01,905
That's just wrong.
469
00:15:01,990 --> 00:15:03,323
Oh, is it, Pete?
Yeah.
470
00:15:03,409 --> 00:15:04,658
What are you getting him
for his birthday?
471
00:15:04,743 --> 00:15:06,043
I have something very special
472
00:15:06,078 --> 00:15:07,077
for his birthday.
Oh, oh, oh...
473
00:15:07,129 --> 00:15:08,409
You know what?
Don't answer that.
474
00:15:08,414 --> 00:15:10,497
We already know.
475
00:15:10,582 --> 00:15:12,582
Was gonna say
a tandem bicycle with...
476
00:15:12,668 --> 00:15:14,551
penises for handlebars.
477
00:15:14,586 --> 00:15:16,887
Nobody appreciates
what I do for this group.
478
00:15:16,922 --> 00:15:17,882
JENNY:
Come on, you guys.
479
00:15:17,923 --> 00:15:19,506
I have a very, very important
480
00:15:19,591 --> 00:15:20,841
announcement to make...
Oh!
481
00:15:20,926 --> 00:15:22,809
God, Taco,
what are you doing here?
482
00:15:22,895 --> 00:15:23,810
What are you doing that for?
483
00:15:23,896 --> 00:15:24,811
Really?
484
00:15:24,897 --> 00:15:26,680
Guys, I love my punishment.
485
00:15:26,765 --> 00:15:27,931
What's the next one?
486
00:15:28,016 --> 00:15:29,896
Taco, you're supposed
to be an intern at a bank.
487
00:15:29,902 --> 00:15:31,935
I did exactly what
you guys asked me to do.
488
00:15:32,020 --> 00:15:33,687
I put on my suit,
I walked into the bank,
489
00:15:33,772 --> 00:15:35,021
I talked to the manager...
490
00:15:35,107 --> 00:15:37,441
Taco, you went into the bank
in your McGibblets suit?
491
00:15:37,526 --> 00:15:38,942
Yeah, it's the nicest
suit I own.
492
00:15:39,027 --> 00:15:41,361
Hello!
493
00:15:41,447 --> 00:15:44,114
I'm here to apply
for the job, please.
494
00:15:44,199 --> 00:15:45,449
Here's my r?sum?.
495
00:15:47,786 --> 00:15:49,169
Interesting r?sum?.
496
00:15:49,254 --> 00:15:50,504
Surprisingly,
497
00:15:50,589 --> 00:15:51,955
I've actually got a job for you.
498
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,206
What do you do?
499
00:15:53,292 --> 00:15:55,125
TACO:
Twirl around a sign for CDs.
500
00:15:55,177 --> 00:15:56,510
We got it all at the bank!
501
00:15:56,595 --> 00:15:57,794
And it pays.
502
00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:59,296
Hey, check out my sign!
503
00:15:59,348 --> 00:16:00,464
Hey, lady!
504
00:16:00,549 --> 00:16:03,266
Lady, check out my sign!
505
00:16:03,302 --> 00:16:05,218
Don't make me run after you!
Hey!
506
00:16:05,304 --> 00:16:06,984
I don't know how
this bank makes any money.
507
00:16:07,055 --> 00:16:08,972
No one buys CDs anymore.
508
00:16:09,024 --> 00:16:10,223
Let's just get going.
509
00:16:10,309 --> 00:16:11,108
Yeah.
Come on, we're gonna be late.
510
00:16:11,143 --> 00:16:12,642
All right.
511
00:16:12,694 --> 00:16:13,693
Whoa-ho!
512
00:16:13,779 --> 00:16:15,312
VIP tent, gentlemen!
Wow.
513
00:16:15,397 --> 00:16:17,063
Yeah, not a bad place
to watch the draft.
514
00:16:17,149 --> 00:16:19,399
Whoa, that is a lot
of free food.
515
00:16:19,485 --> 00:16:20,650
Whoo.
516
00:16:20,736 --> 00:16:22,486
Babe, this is amazing.
517
00:16:22,571 --> 00:16:24,237
Holy shit.
518
00:16:24,323 --> 00:16:26,373
Is that Calais Campbell
and the Honey Badger?
519
00:16:26,458 --> 00:16:27,791
I gotta go over and meet them.
520
00:16:27,826 --> 00:16:28,825
No.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
521
00:16:28,877 --> 00:16:30,494
I'm great with celebrities.
522
00:16:30,546 --> 00:16:33,163
Ah. Good morrow, gentlemen.
523
00:16:33,215 --> 00:16:35,549
Uh, my name is Andre, hi.
How are you?
524
00:16:35,634 --> 00:16:37,217
I'm Tyrann. Great to see you.
Hi, how are you?
525
00:16:37,302 --> 00:16:38,418
What's going on, Andre? How you doing?
Hey, man.
526
00:16:38,504 --> 00:16:39,585
It's pretty awesome, right?
527
00:16:39,588 --> 00:16:40,637
It is pretty awesome.
528
00:16:40,672 --> 00:16:41,872
Happy birthday.
But it would be
529
00:16:41,890 --> 00:16:43,757
really awesome if you
let me make the pick.
530
00:16:43,842 --> 00:16:45,642
No. That is not
gonna happen.
531
00:16:45,677 --> 00:16:46,893
But I will give you this,
532
00:16:46,979 --> 00:16:48,011
so you can get some free drinks.
533
00:16:48,096 --> 00:16:49,012
Oh.
534
00:16:49,097 --> 00:16:50,764
Great. Thank you.
535
00:16:50,849 --> 00:16:53,016
Guys, I am such a huge fan.
536
00:16:53,068 --> 00:16:54,017
And my girlfriend?
537
00:16:54,102 --> 00:16:55,152
She's even a bigger fan.
538
00:16:55,187 --> 00:16:56,353
I was wondering
if I could maybe get,
539
00:16:56,438 --> 00:16:57,354
like, a signed football or...
Yeah.
540
00:16:57,439 --> 00:16:58,439
...a picture
or something?
541
00:16:58,524 --> 00:16:59,439
Oh, thank you so much.
This is great.
542
00:16:59,525 --> 00:17:00,565
You know, um, my girlfriend
543
00:17:00,576 --> 00:17:02,325
actually calls me
the Honey Badger.
544
00:17:02,361 --> 00:17:03,910
Why's she call you
the Honey Badger?
545
00:17:03,996 --> 00:17:05,529
You know, 'cause I like to,
uh, forage around...
546
00:17:05,614 --> 00:17:06,663
No, no, no, no.
547
00:17:06,698 --> 00:17:07,664
Forget I asked, forget I asked.
548
00:17:07,699 --> 00:17:08,865
Okay, yeah, sure, that was...
549
00:17:08,917 --> 00:17:10,283
Uh, girlfriend?
What?
550
00:17:10,369 --> 00:17:12,169
What are you talking...
Oh, I was joking.
551
00:17:12,204 --> 00:17:14,120
I was joking with my new,
my new buds.
552
00:17:14,206 --> 00:17:15,872
This guy with a girlfriend...
I wasn't buying it.
553
00:17:15,924 --> 00:17:17,624
Well, it's like, you could buy
it, but it was a joke, yeah?
554
00:17:17,709 --> 00:17:19,259
Did sound like a lie.
Yeah, I just...
555
00:17:19,344 --> 00:17:20,877
I was lying. That's it.
556
00:17:20,929 --> 00:17:22,462
You ain't got to lie
to kick it, man.
557
00:17:22,548 --> 00:17:25,515
No, you don't have to cross out
your autograph. Thank you.
558
00:17:25,551 --> 00:17:28,301
- By the way, who's gonna date you,
dressing like that? - Good question--
559
00:17:28,387 --> 00:17:30,147
we've been asking that
for years. By the way,
560
00:17:30,189 --> 00:17:32,272
I like you guys a lot,
and I just want to say, man,
561
00:17:32,357 --> 00:17:34,891
- big fan, real bullish on the Cards' "D"
this season. - Right.
562
00:17:34,977 --> 00:17:36,977
I mean, when you got
a player like a Tyrann Mathieu
563
00:17:36,979 --> 00:17:38,311
and a Calais Campbell...
Hold on--
564
00:17:38,397 --> 00:17:39,896
player "like" us?
Come on, man,
565
00:17:39,982 --> 00:17:41,982
we hate that.
There's no player like me.
566
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:43,400
There's just me.
Well, the ESPN always says that,
567
00:17:43,485 --> 00:17:45,318
I don't know.
ESPN'll get you in trouble, man.
568
00:17:45,404 --> 00:17:46,820
Just say Honey Badger.
569
00:17:46,905 --> 00:17:48,455
That's what I would
tell him, you know?
570
00:17:48,540 --> 00:17:50,040
Uh, you guys want to take a picture?
Ooh, yeah, uh,
571
00:17:50,075 --> 00:17:51,408
actually, here--
use my phone.
572
00:17:51,493 --> 00:17:53,243
Oh, great, I guess, I guess
I'm taking the picture.
573
00:17:53,295 --> 00:17:54,494
Get in here, Ruxin.
574
00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:55,829
You guys must love
taking pictures.
575
00:17:55,914 --> 00:17:57,914
Oh, looks like somebody
might have a girlfriend.
576
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,083
ANDRE: Wait...
"I want a picture of the Honey Badger
577
00:18:00,135 --> 00:18:01,218
with my Honey Badger."
No, no, I...
578
00:18:01,253 --> 00:18:03,637
"Have fun at the draft,
lover. Meeg..."
579
00:18:03,722 --> 00:18:05,755
Meegan?
580
00:18:05,807 --> 00:18:07,090
I...
Wait, your girlfriend
581
00:18:07,175 --> 00:18:08,558
is my ex-wife?
582
00:18:08,594 --> 00:18:10,677
I can explain. I'm sorry.
Hey, Pete,
583
00:18:10,762 --> 00:18:13,480
a guy like an Andre
is sleeping with your ex-wife?
584
00:18:13,565 --> 00:18:14,648
(chuckles)
Oh,
585
00:18:14,733 --> 00:18:16,013
a Honey Badger
don't give a shit!
586
00:18:16,018 --> 00:18:17,734
All right, quiet down,
Honey Badger.
587
00:18:17,769 --> 00:18:19,352
That's why she gave me
the conversation-ender.
588
00:18:19,438 --> 00:18:21,271
That's why!
All I know is that
589
00:18:21,323 --> 00:18:23,106
she joined a fantasy league and
she wanted some advice, right?
590
00:18:23,158 --> 00:18:24,441
So she gave me a call,
591
00:18:24,526 --> 00:18:26,359
just a normal call.
And then, all of a sudden,
592
00:18:26,445 --> 00:18:27,494
that turned into a coffee
593
00:18:27,579 --> 00:18:29,112
and then into some lovemaking.
594
00:18:29,197 --> 00:18:30,247
Oh, disgusting.
595
00:18:30,282 --> 00:18:32,032
Coitus?
Aah, more disgusting!
596
00:18:32,117 --> 00:18:33,450
Okay, look, I don't know what
you want me to tell you.
597
00:18:33,535 --> 00:18:35,001
Why did she even
come to you for advice?
598
00:18:35,087 --> 00:18:36,419
That's the worst part
of this whole thing.
599
00:18:36,455 --> 00:18:38,121
Uh, well...
600
00:18:38,173 --> 00:18:39,789
I am the champ.
601
00:18:39,841 --> 00:18:40,957
Criminy. Ooh.
That's my... key.
602
00:18:41,009 --> 00:18:42,759
I got to get my keys.
603
00:18:42,794 --> 00:18:44,628
Oh, that's it, you son of a bitch.
I know you're mad...
604
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,129
Oh, I'm not mad,
I'm just gonna kill you.
605
00:18:46,181 --> 00:18:47,681
ANNOUNCER:
Washington has traded the pick.
606
00:18:47,766 --> 00:18:49,683
Seattle is on the clock.
607
00:18:49,768 --> 00:18:51,468
Oh, aah! Sorry, sorry.
Andre!
608
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:52,886
Oh, shit.
I'm gonna kill you.
609
00:18:52,971 --> 00:18:54,104
Whoa, whoa.
I'm gonna kill you!
610
00:18:54,139 --> 00:18:56,389
Fidelio!
Fidelio!
611
00:18:56,475 --> 00:18:59,643
Oh!
You're dead, Andre, you're dead!
612
00:18:59,695 --> 00:19:02,312
I can't believe I am here...
I am here, I'm doing this
613
00:19:02,397 --> 00:19:04,064
with you. I am
with Jim McMahon
614
00:19:04,149 --> 00:19:05,148
at the dr...
Just call me Jim.
615
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,533
Really?
Okay, Jim.
616
00:19:06,618 --> 00:19:08,818
And I am not with
any of my stupid friends.
617
00:19:08,904 --> 00:19:11,821
Hey, man, you okay?
He's out. (phone rings)
618
00:19:14,710 --> 00:19:16,159
What do I...
619
00:19:17,329 --> 00:19:18,628
Hello?
620
00:19:18,664 --> 00:19:19,663
Fermy.
Uh,
621
00:19:19,715 --> 00:19:20,675
this is Kevin MacArthur.
622
00:19:20,749 --> 00:19:21,998
Kevin...
623
00:19:22,050 --> 00:19:23,667
Do we have a Kevin?
No Kevin.
624
00:19:23,719 --> 00:19:25,335
Hey, Kevin,
625
00:19:25,387 --> 00:19:26,803
this is John Schneider,
I'm the general manager
626
00:19:26,838 --> 00:19:28,088
of the Seattle Seahawks.
627
00:19:28,173 --> 00:19:29,589
Look, we're gonna
make a trade here, okay?
628
00:19:29,675 --> 00:19:31,675
Oh, a trade? Oh, I'm the man
for the job, Mr. Schneider.
629
00:19:31,727 --> 00:19:33,677
Um, I'm the commissioner
of my league,
630
00:19:33,762 --> 00:19:35,145
so this is like
a dream come true for me.
631
00:19:35,180 --> 00:19:36,479
Quite the opposite
for me, partner.
632
00:19:36,515 --> 00:19:37,681
Don't worry, I know my stuff.
633
00:19:37,766 --> 00:19:39,065
He doesn't.
Who we picking?
634
00:19:39,151 --> 00:19:41,351
We're picking Tyler Lockett
from Kansas State.
635
00:19:41,436 --> 00:19:42,686
Taylor Lockett, okay.
Taylor Lockett. Taylor Lockett?
636
00:19:42,738 --> 00:19:44,270
No, what do you think,
Taylor Lautner?
637
00:19:44,356 --> 00:19:45,438
What are you, Team Jacob?
What?
638
00:19:45,524 --> 00:19:47,691
Tyler Lockett, Kansas State.
639
00:19:47,776 --> 00:19:50,026
Do you see trade cards?
There's a trade card for
640
00:19:50,112 --> 00:19:51,861
Jacksonville,
a trade card for Indy...
641
00:19:51,913 --> 00:19:53,196
Do you see one with Washington?
642
00:19:53,248 --> 00:19:54,414
Whoa... Uh, uh,
I'm sorry,
643
00:19:54,499 --> 00:19:55,782
some of these cards
have a little bit
644
00:19:55,867 --> 00:19:57,367
of ketchup on them.
Are you eating right now?
645
00:19:57,419 --> 00:19:59,202
Yes. I get hungry
when I'm nervous.
646
00:19:59,254 --> 00:20:00,787
It's actually
my slider, Schneider.
647
00:20:00,872 --> 00:20:02,288
No, it's not, we
picked it out together.
648
00:20:02,374 --> 00:20:04,874
Man, you fantasy guys. You all
think you can run your own team
649
00:20:04,926 --> 00:20:07,344
and then it gets to nut-cuttin'
time and you just fall apart.
650
00:20:07,379 --> 00:20:09,512
Every time I'm on the clock
I just shit the bed.
651
00:20:09,548 --> 00:20:11,514
Last year in the first round
I took Doug Martin.
652
00:20:11,550 --> 00:20:12,849
Yeah.
And you know how that ended up.
653
00:20:12,884 --> 00:20:14,634
It was real message board
fodder, Schneider.
654
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:15,769
Hey, Kevin, come on,
the clock's ticking.
655
00:20:15,854 --> 00:20:17,134
I need you
to fill that thing out
656
00:20:17,139 --> 00:20:19,439
and turn that card in, okay?
Right, yes, okay,
657
00:20:19,524 --> 00:20:20,690
- um... - ANNOUNCER: One minute
on the clock for Seattle.
658
00:20:20,726 --> 00:20:22,559
Schneids.
Tyrannosaurus Rux here.
659
00:20:22,611 --> 00:20:24,110
Tyrannosaurus what?
I just want you to know that I've got
660
00:20:24,196 --> 00:20:26,730
ESPN Insider up and running.
661
00:20:26,782 --> 00:20:29,399
Mel Kiper's hair is gonna
tell us who to help you.
662
00:20:29,451 --> 00:20:30,731
We don't care about his hair.
Go.
663
00:20:30,736 --> 00:20:32,235
Give me this.
Okay,
664
00:20:32,287 --> 00:20:34,237
Mr. Schneider, I got the
card. Uh, do I sign it?
665
00:20:34,289 --> 00:20:35,572
No, you don't sign it.
666
00:20:35,657 --> 00:20:36,873
Can I sign it?
No.
667
00:20:36,908 --> 00:20:38,509
Can I take a selfie with it?
No, just go.
668
00:20:38,543 --> 00:20:41,077
Kevin, come on.
The clock's ticking. Kevin, go.
669
00:20:41,129 --> 00:20:42,412
Okay, okay, I'm going. Good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: 15 seconds on the clock.
670
00:20:42,464 --> 00:20:44,497
Okay, I don't have
time for this.
671
00:20:44,583 --> 00:20:46,132
Oh!
672
00:20:46,218 --> 00:20:47,801
Uh, I... Ooh, sorry.
673
00:20:47,886 --> 00:20:50,503
Here!
674
00:20:50,589 --> 00:20:51,671
Is the trade in?
Trade's in.
675
00:20:51,757 --> 00:20:53,089
Card in?
Card's in.
676
00:20:53,175 --> 00:20:56,226
(panting)
I need a nap.
677
00:20:56,261 --> 00:20:58,178
So what's the story
with the coffee scene
678
00:20:58,263 --> 00:20:59,512
in Seattle?
Is it beat
679
00:20:59,598 --> 00:21:00,847
or is it still popping off?
680
00:21:01,983 --> 00:21:03,400
Slapdicks.
681
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:05,672
ANNOUNCER:
Chicago has made their pick.
682
00:21:05,758 --> 00:21:08,058
Thank you.
683
00:21:08,093 --> 00:21:09,927
All right, Jenny,
it's game time.
684
00:21:10,012 --> 00:21:12,513
You ready?
I was born ready.
685
00:21:12,598 --> 00:21:14,598
Let's do this.
Oh, my God.
686
00:21:14,683 --> 00:21:17,351
I got it in.
Look, with Seattle,
687
00:21:17,436 --> 00:21:19,152
it's proof you got to run it in.
Okay, all right, enough.
688
00:21:19,238 --> 00:21:20,854
Don't move.
Stay here.
689
00:21:20,940 --> 00:21:22,606
Get away from me.
What did I miss?
690
00:21:22,658 --> 00:21:24,525
Jets just picked,
Chicago's on the clock.
691
00:21:24,610 --> 00:21:25,993
Jenny's about
to announce the pick.
692
00:21:26,078 --> 00:21:27,744
Well, don't be so sure.
693
00:21:27,780 --> 00:21:30,080
I might have told Taco there's
one more Sacko punishment.
694
00:21:30,115 --> 00:21:31,498
Hello, Chicago,
695
00:21:31,584 --> 00:21:33,450
it's great to be home.
(whoops)
696
00:21:33,536 --> 00:21:36,203
And here to announce
Chicago's next pick,
697
00:21:36,288 --> 00:21:39,172
please welcome Ms. Jenny MacArthur.
(whoops)
698
00:21:39,258 --> 00:21:42,626
(whoops, exclaims)
699
00:21:42,678 --> 00:21:45,462
Hi, Ellie, hi, CB,
Mommy loves you!
700
00:21:45,514 --> 00:21:49,266
Okay, the 71st pick of the 2015
701
00:21:49,301 --> 00:21:51,101
draft, the Chicago Bears
Oh, wow.
702
00:21:51,136 --> 00:21:52,269
would like to select...
Ha, ha, ha!
703
00:21:52,304 --> 00:21:53,804
No, Taco!
I got it.
704
00:21:53,889 --> 00:21:55,806
My card, my punishment.
Hey, give me that!
705
00:21:55,891 --> 00:21:57,808
Happy birthday, Kevin.
Thank you.
706
00:21:57,893 --> 00:21:59,977
This is great...
Don't touch me.
707
00:22:00,062 --> 00:22:01,612
Give me that...Give me that!
Ow, ow!
708
00:22:01,647 --> 00:22:04,147
Hey, ain't those
the people from earlier?
709
00:22:04,199 --> 00:22:05,449
Yeah, man, they got to be
the dumbest people
710
00:22:05,484 --> 00:22:06,700
in all of Chicago, man.
711
00:22:06,785 --> 00:22:08,285
Give me...
It's mine, it's mine!
712
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:09,369
What the hell?
713
00:22:09,455 --> 00:22:11,154
This is the weirdest draft ever.
714
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:12,289
Give it to me.
(laughs)
715
00:22:12,324 --> 00:22:13,624
That is my pick!
Whoa!
716
00:22:13,659 --> 00:22:15,459
Oh! Whoa!
Ooh!
717
00:22:15,494 --> 00:22:17,244
Yes, I got it!
718
00:22:17,329 --> 00:22:18,996
Jim, Jim, Jim!
Oh...
719
00:22:19,081 --> 00:22:21,131
Oh...
KEVIN: Easy, easy, easy...
720
00:22:21,166 --> 00:22:22,666
Oh!
Okay,
721
00:22:22,718 --> 00:22:24,635
with the 71st pick,
the Bears select
722
00:22:24,670 --> 00:22:28,088
the center from Oregon,
Hroniss Grasu.
723
00:22:28,173 --> 00:22:29,306
(applause, cheering)
(groans)
724
00:22:29,341 --> 00:22:31,675
Baby, baby, you okay?
How did I do?
725
00:22:31,727 --> 00:22:33,844
You're out of here!
Yay, whee! (whoops)
726
00:22:33,896 --> 00:22:37,180
You're in a lot of trouble.
Ooh, another punishment?
727
00:22:37,266 --> 00:22:38,231
Is this the butt stuff?
728
00:22:38,317 --> 00:22:40,690
Oh, you guys must be so excited!
729
00:22:40,810 --> 00:22:51,386
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
730
00:22:51,436 --> 00:22:55,986
Repair and Synchronization by
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