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1
00:00:03,287 --> 00:00:06,085
# Stick a pony in me pocket
2
00:00:07,287 --> 00:00:10,518
# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
3
00:00:10,687 --> 00:00:14,680
# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns
but you don't ask questions
4
00:00:14,847 --> 00:00:18,157
# Then, brother, I'm your man
5
00:00:18,327 --> 00:00:22,036
# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
6
00:00:22,207 --> 00:00:25,882
# It's like the changing
of the seasons and the tides of the sea
7
00:00:26,047 --> 00:00:29,801
# But here's the one
what's driving me berserk
8
00:00:29,967 --> 00:00:33,164
# Why do only fools and horses work? #
9
00:00:37,207 --> 00:00:43,203
(VICAR)... for thou hast vouchsafed to call us
to the knowledge of thy grace and faith in thee.
10
00:00:43,367 --> 00:00:47,599
Increase this knowledge,
and confirm this faith in us ever more.
11
00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:51,555
Give thy Holy Spirit to this infant
that he may be born again
12
00:00:51,727 --> 00:00:54,844
and be made an heir of everlasting salvation.
13
00:00:55,007 --> 00:00:58,556
Through our Lord Jesus Christ,
who liveth and reigneth
14
00:00:58,727 --> 00:01:04,120
with thee and the Holy Spirit
now and for ever, amen.
15
00:01:05,087 --> 00:01:06,725
Godparents, please.
16
00:01:06,887 --> 00:01:09,447
- Remember what to say?
- Yeah.
17
00:01:09,607 --> 00:01:13,646
(BABY CRIES)
18
00:01:28,647 --> 00:01:33,277
Be careful, Rodney.
You drop him and I'll drop you!
19
00:01:33,447 --> 00:01:35,403
(RAQUEL) Del!
20
00:01:35,567 --> 00:01:39,037
He dropped a whole Royal Doulton
dinner service once.
21
00:01:39,207 --> 00:01:42,961
- Nearly ruined it!
- (RAQUEL) Shut up!
22
00:01:43,127 --> 00:01:46,039
(CASSANDRA) Look at his little face!
23
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:47,606
Mmm.
24
00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:49,166
(BABY YELLS)
25
00:01:49,327 --> 00:01:53,718
Dearly beloved, ye have
brought this child to be baptised.
26
00:01:53,887 --> 00:01:59,007
Ye have prayed that our Lord Jesus Christ
would vouchsafe to receive him...
27
00:01:59,167 --> 00:02:01,727
Going down the pub, Alan?
28
00:02:01,887 --> 00:02:04,082
Yeah, we'll be there.
29
00:02:05,127 --> 00:02:08,278
Going down the pub, are we?
30
00:02:08,447 --> 00:02:11,086
Got to be polite to Raquel and Del.
31
00:02:11,247 --> 00:02:13,363
Just to wet the baby's head.
32
00:02:13,527 --> 00:02:15,597
Roughly translated, that means,
33
00:02:15,767 --> 00:02:19,840
"I can't wait to get down the Nag's Head
and get legless with Del!"
34
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:24,478
Take your time, Pam.
We've got to christen the baby first!
35
00:02:25,287 --> 00:02:27,005
Did you hear that?!
36
00:02:27,167 --> 00:02:32,525
Yes. You're always on about me getting drunk.
When was the last time that happened?
37
00:02:32,687 --> 00:02:36,475
- The last time you went there with Del!
- I didn't!
38
00:02:36,647 --> 00:02:39,639
...and obediently keep his commandments.
39
00:02:39,807 --> 00:02:43,561
Dost thou renounce the devil and all his works?
40
00:02:49,527 --> 00:02:51,040
I renounce them all.
41
00:02:51,207 --> 00:02:57,396
Dost thou renounce the vain pomp and glory
and the carnal desires of the flesh?
42
00:02:58,447 --> 00:03:00,438
Yes.
43
00:03:00,607 --> 00:03:02,643
- No!
- We do!
44
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:07,562
- "I renounce them all."
- Yeah, me, too.
45
00:03:07,727 --> 00:03:10,321
It's lovely, innit?
46
00:03:10,487 --> 00:03:12,318
Stunning (!)
47
00:03:13,487 --> 00:03:15,318
Don't you feel anything?
48
00:03:16,487 --> 00:03:21,083
Yes, I feel a great urgency to get
out of here and finish my packing!
49
00:03:21,247 --> 00:03:24,159
You do realise we're going on holiday tomorrow?
50
00:03:24,327 --> 00:03:28,525
I've finished the packing!
Stop moaning or I'll get annoyed.
51
00:03:30,367 --> 00:03:33,564
Do you remember Tyler's christening?
52
00:03:33,727 --> 00:03:36,958
Yeah. Better church than this, weren't it?
53
00:03:37,127 --> 00:03:40,563
Godparents, will you please name this child?
54
00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:44,160
Yes. It's Damien Derek Trotter.
55
00:03:45,327 --> 00:03:47,522
Damien Derek?
56
00:03:47,687 --> 00:03:50,076
Yes.
57
00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:52,880
Damien Derek!
58
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,646
Fine.
59
00:04:05,087 --> 00:04:07,999
I baptise thee, Damien Derek,
60
00:04:08,167 --> 00:04:12,126
in the name of the Father
and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
61
00:04:12,287 --> 00:04:16,280
We receive this child
in the congregation of Christ's flock
62
00:04:16,447 --> 00:04:19,041
and do sign him with the sign of the cross.
63
00:04:19,207 --> 00:04:21,198
(MENACING CHORAL MUSIC)
64
00:04:22,687 --> 00:04:25,406
What is wrong with you, Rodney?
65
00:04:25,567 --> 00:04:27,558
Nothing!
66
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:38,005
- Mind the paintwork!
- Come on, Mickey! Get a move on!
67
00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:40,920
I'm just setting the automatic timer!
68
00:04:41,087 --> 00:04:43,476
He's no David Bailey.
69
00:04:43,647 --> 00:04:46,923
David Bailey! More like Bathe-it-Daily!
70
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:50,397
Ready? Everybody smile!
71
00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:54,765
- Smile, Trigger!
- I AM smiling!
72
00:04:59,607 --> 00:05:02,883
Thank you, Reverend.
That was a cracking display.
73
00:05:03,047 --> 00:05:05,561
It was a beautiful ceremony. Thank you.
74
00:05:05,727 --> 00:05:08,639
My pleasure. Perhaps I'll see you again soon?
75
00:05:08,807 --> 00:05:13,801
You mean the wedding? Don't hold
your breath on it -she's still married!
76
00:05:13,967 --> 00:05:16,686
I'm waiting for my divorce to come through.
77
00:05:16,847 --> 00:05:19,236
Yeah, almost pukka!
78
00:05:19,407 --> 00:05:21,477
If you need me, I'll be here.
79
00:05:21,647 --> 00:05:24,798
- God bless you both.
- Thank you, Reverend.
80
00:05:24,967 --> 00:05:29,916
I'll be in to see you in a minute.
I've got something I want to talk to you about.
81
00:05:30,087 --> 00:05:32,647
- Of course. I'll be inside.
- Good!
82
00:05:32,807 --> 00:05:36,038
- What do you want to see him about?
- Just business.
83
00:05:36,207 --> 00:05:39,483
How can you discuss business here?
This is a church!
84
00:05:39,647 --> 00:05:43,242
Come on, Raquel. Even churches
have got to make profits.
85
00:05:43,407 --> 00:05:46,479
- Have you read your Bible recently?
- Have you?
86
00:05:47,567 --> 00:05:52,277
No, but I remember our RE teacher
reading it to us once,
87
00:05:52,447 --> 00:05:56,486
and there is a chapter in the Bible
called the "Book of Profits",
88
00:05:56,647 --> 00:06:00,686
so don't tell me that God doesn't
know a bit of bunce when he sees it!
89
00:06:00,847 --> 00:06:03,122
No, it doesn't mean "profit".
90
00:06:03,287 --> 00:06:07,200
A lovely christening, Raquel!
One of the nicest I've been to!
91
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,846
Thanks, Marlene!
92
00:06:09,007 --> 00:06:11,521
I've bought you a little present.
93
00:06:11,687 --> 00:06:15,680
It's a baby intercom
so you can hear Damien if he cries at night.
94
00:06:15,847 --> 00:06:19,396
You can even talk to him
so he hear's Mummy's voice.
95
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:24,277
- You'll be able to fix it up, won't you, Del?
- No problem.
96
00:06:24,447 --> 00:06:26,642
I'll get Rodney to do it tomorrow.
97
00:06:26,807 --> 00:06:30,959
Listen, I'll leave you two girls
to have a chinwag. See you later.
98
00:06:31,127 --> 00:06:33,516
Del, I'll shoot off and open up the pub.
99
00:06:33,687 --> 00:06:37,646
About this do I'm putting on.
I'm a bit concerned, mate.
100
00:06:37,807 --> 00:06:41,322
Don't be, Michael. I've got every faith in you!
101
00:06:41,487 --> 00:06:45,924
I'm concerned about the money!
Could you at least give me a deposit?
102
00:06:46,087 --> 00:06:51,115
How dare you, Michael,
talk business here, outside a church?
103
00:06:51,287 --> 00:06:54,962
This is a church! Gawd blimey!
104
00:06:58,767 --> 00:07:03,079
- (RAQUEL) You're off tomorrow?
- We're going to the States!
105
00:07:03,247 --> 00:07:07,001
We fly to Washington,
down to Atlantic City for a week,
106
00:07:07,167 --> 00:07:10,955
- then on to Florida!
- You're making me jealous!
107
00:07:11,127 --> 00:07:15,962
It's not gonna be that good -
Boycie's going with me!
108
00:07:19,087 --> 00:07:23,478
Poor little Rodney! Is he still living at your flat?
109
00:07:23,647 --> 00:07:28,118
He stays with us Monday to Friday
and weekends with Cassandra.
110
00:07:28,287 --> 00:07:30,278
- Only weekends?
- Yeah.
111
00:07:30,447 --> 00:07:34,486
Well, I suppose it's more fun than fishing!
112
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:43,480
Rodney.
113
00:07:43,647 --> 00:07:45,558
Hi, Alan.
114
00:07:52,887 --> 00:07:57,199
So... how's the new job?
115
00:07:57,367 --> 00:08:00,677
- What new job?
- Working for Del.
116
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:05,841
Oh, that. Fine. We've gone international.
Del's very big in eastern Europe.
117
00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:09,124
Yeah, he said he's got contacts in Warsaw.
118
00:08:09,287 --> 00:08:12,279
- No, Walsall.
- Walsall?
119
00:08:12,447 --> 00:08:16,235
Yeah. But this bloke's cousin
is an exporter in Romania.
120
00:08:16,407 --> 00:08:18,398
Romania?
121
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:20,558
Good.
122
00:08:20,727 --> 00:08:23,878
How are you getting on with...?
123
00:08:26,247 --> 00:08:29,239
- Oh!
- No, she's just going down the pub.
124
00:08:29,407 --> 00:08:33,400
I said I'd see her there later.
You going down for one?
125
00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:37,879
- Yeah, just for a quick one.
- Just a quick one (!)
126
00:08:38,047 --> 00:08:42,086
No, it will be just a quick one.
I've had my orders! By the way,
127
00:08:42,247 --> 00:08:45,045
- I've got something for you.
- What's that?
128
00:08:45,207 --> 00:08:49,086
Remember when you worked for me,
you joined the pension scheme?
129
00:08:49,247 --> 00:08:51,363
They've come up with your repayments.
130
00:08:51,527 --> 00:08:56,920
I talked to the insurance company,
and if you like, you can keep the policy open.
131
00:08:57,087 --> 00:08:59,999
It might be the basis of a nice little nest egg.
132
00:09:00,167 --> 00:09:04,080
That's really nice of you.
I'll take you up on that offer!
133
00:09:04,247 --> 00:09:05,646
I knew you'd say that.
134
00:09:05,807 --> 00:09:09,686
Well, I'm not one of these
grab-the-money-and-run merchants.
135
00:09:09,847 --> 00:09:12,600
My philosophy is look after the future now.
136
00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:14,758
My sentiments exactly!
137
00:09:14,927 --> 00:09:20,797
Let's see. P935 invested in a policy
attracting a gross annual...
138
00:09:20,967 --> 00:09:25,279
- P935?! I'll take that now.
- What about the future?
139
00:09:25,447 --> 00:09:27,642
What future? I work for Del.
140
00:09:29,847 --> 00:09:32,520
I don't quite understand, Mr Trotter.
141
00:09:32,687 --> 00:09:34,678
Let me try to explain.
142
00:09:34,847 --> 00:09:41,446
What would you do if you had an extra ten
or twenty thousand pounds a year coming in?
143
00:09:41,607 --> 00:09:45,600
Build a new youth club?
Buy a minibus for the old folks' outings?
144
00:09:45,767 --> 00:09:49,077
I'm not used to decisions of that magnitude.
145
00:09:49,247 --> 00:09:55,004
Well, I've come up with an idea that can
revolutionise your fund-raising mechanism.
146
00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:58,284
- What do you put in there?
- Communion wine.
147
00:09:58,447 --> 00:10:01,439
Before it goes in, it's not communion wine?
148
00:10:01,607 --> 00:10:05,520
- Not until I bless it.
- Till you bless it, exactly!
149
00:10:05,687 --> 00:10:08,565
How long does it take to bless it?
150
00:10:08,727 --> 00:10:12,402
- Two or three minutes.
- Let's call it three minutes.
151
00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:16,560
That's three minutes, three times
a day. Three threes are nine.
152
00:10:16,727 --> 00:10:23,326
Nine minutes a day, seven days a week -
'cause I know you blokes work on Sundays!
153
00:10:23,487 --> 00:10:27,162
That's about one hour a week, times 52.
154
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:32,242
That works out about two days a year
that you lose just blessing wine,
155
00:10:32,407 --> 00:10:36,400
and that's not including the trip
to Oddbins to pick it up.
156
00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:40,924
I reckon you lose about one week
every year just blessing wine.
157
00:10:41,087 --> 00:10:44,363
- Possibly.
- No, positively!
158
00:10:44,527 --> 00:10:50,841
Think of the clergymen all over the country
who are also losing one week every year!
159
00:10:51,007 --> 00:10:55,364
Cor, dear! We must be losing
months and months of vicar hours!
160
00:10:55,527 --> 00:11:00,521
Think of all the good works
you could do with them lost months.
161
00:11:00,687 --> 00:11:02,678
I never thought of it like that.
162
00:11:02,847 --> 00:11:05,884
I have and it's been bothering me!
163
00:11:06,047 --> 00:11:11,201
Sit down, your reverence.
Sit down and let me explain.
164
00:11:11,367 --> 00:11:17,158
I have worked out a way in which I can
give you back that precious quality, time.
165
00:11:17,327 --> 00:11:20,603
- How?
- Are you ready for this?
166
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:24,282
"Trotter's Pre-blessed Wine"!
167
00:11:25,047 --> 00:11:27,845
- "Trotter's Pre-blessed Wine"?
- Yes.
168
00:11:28,007 --> 00:11:30,805
It's like the holy version of sliced bread.
169
00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:33,276
Hang on a minute.
170
00:11:33,447 --> 00:11:36,757
I've got this mate, he's a vintner up north.
171
00:11:36,927 --> 00:11:40,602
He's shipping in
this new range of Romanian wine.
172
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:43,998
- Romanian wine?
- It's gonna be all the rage.
173
00:11:44,167 --> 00:11:48,957
They drive it from Tilbury to here,
where you will bless it by the lorryload.
174
00:11:50,927 --> 00:11:55,478
Then we'll ship it
to churches and cathedrals all over the country.
175
00:11:55,647 --> 00:11:57,877
There'll be no stopping us.
176
00:11:58,047 --> 00:12:01,642
This time next year,
we'll be exporting all over Europe!
177
00:12:01,807 --> 00:12:05,686
And here is the brick on top of the chimney.
178
00:12:05,847 --> 00:12:10,716
We get it at 1.39 a bottle,
we knock it out at P2.50!
179
00:12:10,887 --> 00:12:17,838
The church'll be rejoicing and you and I will be
a nicker and a bit in front! Everyone wins.
180
00:12:18,007 --> 00:12:22,080
"Rien a dire, rien a faire"
as they say in Lourdes!
181
00:12:22,247 --> 00:12:24,283
I see how it could save time...
182
00:12:24,447 --> 00:12:27,359
Yes, it can save time, and time is money!
183
00:12:27,527 --> 00:12:32,078
Money that is much better spent
on roofs and orphans and organs!
184
00:12:32,247 --> 00:12:37,037
That's very commendable of you,
Mr Trotter, but I'm slightly stunned.
185
00:12:37,207 --> 00:12:39,198
Of course you are!
186
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:45,602
Now you know how the people felt when they
saw the burning bush or the first Pot Noodle!
187
00:12:45,767 --> 00:12:51,637
This time next year,
Thora Hird will ask for YOUR autograph!
188
00:12:53,327 --> 00:12:58,276
I know, it knocks you sideways, don't it?
It must be a sign or something!
189
00:12:58,447 --> 00:13:00,881
I'll let you think about it.
190
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:06,360
Meantime, I'll send in the first lorryload
so you can have a practice.
191
00:13:06,527 --> 00:13:11,726
Try and interest your colleagues, square it
with the bishops. You know it makes sense!
192
00:13:11,887 --> 00:13:17,086
That's for the christening -
it was a belter! Bonjour for now!
193
00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:35,560
- Del Boy!
- Sh! What do you want?
194
00:13:35,727 --> 00:13:40,005
I heard there's some business going down.
Is there anything for me?
195
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:43,921
- I'm Managing Director of me own firm now.
- I'm impressed (!)
196
00:13:44,087 --> 00:13:47,796
No, there's nothing in it for you.
I'm doing this for charity.
197
00:13:47,967 --> 00:13:50,720
Well, if you hear of something, let us know.
198
00:13:50,887 --> 00:13:55,358
- I've always done you a good turn.
- When have you done anything for me?
199
00:13:55,527 --> 00:13:58,917
Well, I'll do you some good turns in the future!
200
00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:03,399
- Remember, if you want any help...
- I'll bear it in mind.
201
00:14:04,807 --> 00:14:06,798
Wait a minute...
202
00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:08,958
Wait a minute!
203
00:14:09,127 --> 00:14:12,039
- I was wondering...
- What?
204
00:14:12,207 --> 00:14:18,601
- I don't think you can handle it.
- I can handle it, no sweat! What is it?
205
00:14:18,767 --> 00:14:23,557
Well... it's a little bit out of your normal area.
206
00:14:23,727 --> 00:14:26,799
As long as you're not frightened of a challenge?
207
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:31,119
There's nothing I like better! I'm your man!
208
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:37,157
All right, put it there! Come with me
and I'll tell you what I want you to do.
209
00:14:37,327 --> 00:14:42,526
(MICKEY) My firm is in a phase of expansion.
I was computerised three months ago.
210
00:14:42,687 --> 00:14:45,679
(DEL) I thought you had a bit of a limp!
211
00:14:52,407 --> 00:14:55,558
(CHUGGING RATTLE)
212
00:14:55,727 --> 00:14:58,799
(RATTLING STOPS)
213
00:15:10,687 --> 00:15:13,679
Oooh! Gordon B...! What's the matter?
214
00:15:13,847 --> 00:15:17,886
I'm so embarrassed!
I wish you could choose your parents!
215
00:15:18,687 --> 00:15:21,759
Aw, no, it's not Alan again, is it?
216
00:15:21,927 --> 00:15:26,876
It's always the same at family parties.
Two drinks, that's all it takes!
217
00:15:28,087 --> 00:15:30,442
You ought to stay off the scotch!
218
00:15:31,607 --> 00:15:35,316
I haven't been on the scotch.
I've been on the shandies!
219
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:41,566
Hello, Del. It's a smashing do!
220
00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:46,480
- Come on, love.
- Kissie, kissie, Del!
221
00:15:47,807 --> 00:15:49,798
- Del!
- Sorry!
222
00:15:49,967 --> 00:15:53,084
- Take her home, Daddy!
- Then what?
223
00:15:53,247 --> 00:15:58,685
- I've got some rope in my van!
- Don't, Del! Come on, Pam!
224
00:16:03,327 --> 00:16:07,286
- Ooh!
- How will I live the embarrassment down?
225
00:16:07,447 --> 00:16:10,484
Talk to Rodney. He's had years of experience!
226
00:16:10,647 --> 00:16:16,483
Sorry. Talking of Rodney, he's gutted
about this Saturday and Sunday arrangement.
227
00:16:16,647 --> 00:16:20,322
- What's happened between you two?
- It's private, Del.
228
00:16:20,487 --> 00:16:24,958
I won't stick me nose in,
but if you want to talk, either of you, I'm here.
229
00:16:25,127 --> 00:16:30,155
You know me, I'm straight down the line,
no old bull and no porkies.
230
00:16:30,327 --> 00:16:32,841
- Thanks, Del.
- All right.
231
00:16:33,007 --> 00:16:34,918
- Is Damien at the flat?
- Yeah.
232
00:16:35,087 --> 00:16:38,875
- Who's baby-sitting?
- Mickey Pearce.
233
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:47,724
(ALBERT SINGS AND PLAYS PIANO)
234
00:16:51,767 --> 00:16:54,235
Is that the holiday brochure?
235
00:16:54,407 --> 00:16:57,240
Yes. These are the hotels we're staying at!
236
00:16:57,407 --> 00:17:03,437
How many times must I tell her
to keep quiet about this holiday?!
237
00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:05,677
Why's that, Boycie?
238
00:17:05,847 --> 00:17:10,079
I don't want everyone to know
my house will be empty for three weeks!
239
00:17:10,247 --> 00:17:12,636
I'm security-conscious these days.
240
00:17:12,807 --> 00:17:17,642
That's why I haven't ordered a cab
for the airport. Del Boy's doing it.
241
00:17:17,807 --> 00:17:21,083
I wanted a close and trusted friend to take us.
242
00:17:21,247 --> 00:17:26,401
- They were all busy, were they?
- Right, so I had to ask Del!
243
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:30,398
Mind you, he's put on a good spread here today!
244
00:17:30,567 --> 00:17:34,799
HE'S put on a good spread?!
This is all on the slate!
245
00:17:34,967 --> 00:17:39,563
I've got so many of his slates under here,
I could retile me bloody roof!
246
00:17:39,727 --> 00:17:41,718
Del will pay you. No worries.
247
00:17:41,887 --> 00:17:44,082
Yeah, Del's had a big cheque arrive.
248
00:17:44,247 --> 00:17:46,886
- What about that, Mouthy?
- 935 quid!
249
00:17:47,047 --> 00:17:48,924
- See?
- I saw the cheque!
250
00:17:49,087 --> 00:17:53,319
(MIKE) Yeah, I saw an advert
for the RAC, but I still broke down!
251
00:17:58,727 --> 00:18:03,881
Gotcha! What did you leave this
in your jacket for? Someone could have taken it!
252
00:18:04,047 --> 00:18:05,560
Somebody did!
253
00:18:05,727 --> 00:18:11,165
This could have been nicked and cashed
before you could say Marriage Guidance Council.
254
00:18:11,327 --> 00:18:13,443
Shut up about that!
255
00:18:13,607 --> 00:18:16,917
I'm paying this into your account, all right?
256
00:18:17,087 --> 00:18:19,760
How are things between you and Cassandra?
257
00:18:19,927 --> 00:18:22,566
- Why?
- You don't seem to be talking to her.
258
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:27,198
- We ain't got much to say.
- What's the problem between you?
259
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:29,437
It's private, all right?
260
00:18:29,607 --> 00:18:32,804
You used to confide in me.
Now you tell me nothing.
261
00:18:32,967 --> 00:18:38,325
- I might be able to help you!
- It is private! I'll sort it out in me own way!
262
00:18:38,487 --> 00:18:41,479
You'll sort nothing out
without talking about it!
263
00:18:41,647 --> 00:18:44,639
- All right!
- All right. Go and enjoy yourself!
264
00:18:46,287 --> 00:18:48,960
(DEL) Mike, give me a pina colada.
265
00:18:49,127 --> 00:18:51,766
- Bloody women!
- Problems, Dave?
266
00:18:51,927 --> 00:18:53,918
I don't want to talk about it.
267
00:18:54,087 --> 00:18:57,079
Have you ever been
wrongly accused of something?
268
00:18:57,247 --> 00:19:00,205
- Once.
- How did you get out of it?
269
00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:02,756
I didn't. I was guilty.
270
00:19:08,287 --> 00:19:11,757
You're going to the airport in style,
in my Capri Ghia.
271
00:19:11,927 --> 00:19:15,761
- What time shall I pick you up?
- 11.00. The plane leaves at 1.30.
272
00:19:15,927 --> 00:19:19,158
- I wouldn't go to America.
- What's wrong with it?
273
00:19:19,327 --> 00:19:23,639
- It's violent, innit?
- You've been watching too much telly!
274
00:19:23,807 --> 00:19:26,799
They're on the verge of a drugs war over there!
275
00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:29,242
Who told you that?!
276
00:19:29,407 --> 00:19:32,240
Well, I saw a programme on the telly.
277
00:19:33,727 --> 00:19:36,241
See what I mean? Soppy as a sack!
278
00:19:37,207 --> 00:19:43,157
I'll bet he sent a note of sympathy
to Rita Fairclough when old Len snuffed it!
279
00:19:43,327 --> 00:19:47,240
He closed the pub for a week
when Daphne in "Neighbours" died!
280
00:19:47,407 --> 00:19:49,796
When I say a programme on the telly...
281
00:19:49,967 --> 00:19:52,800
You shouldn't laugh about things like that.
282
00:19:52,967 --> 00:19:54,958
Eh?
283
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:57,641
The dead can't defend themselves.
284
00:19:57,807 --> 00:20:00,162
No, you see, Trig, the thing was...
285
00:20:00,327 --> 00:20:03,046
She had a three-month-old baby!
286
00:20:03,207 --> 00:20:05,641
Rita Fairclough?
287
00:20:05,807 --> 00:20:07,843
I'm talking about Daphne!
288
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:11,886
Yeah, I'm sorry, Trig. It was, it was tragic!
289
00:20:12,047 --> 00:20:17,041
Well... I've made my point.
290
00:20:20,447 --> 00:20:23,325
Yeah, sorry about that, Trig.
291
00:20:23,487 --> 00:20:27,560
You've got to be very careful.
Trig gets very emotional.
292
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:30,321
He's Italian on his dad's friend's side.
293
00:20:31,887 --> 00:20:34,117
When I say a programme on the telly,
294
00:20:34,287 --> 00:20:38,724
I don't mean "Hill Street Blues"
or "Magnum". This was "Panorama"!
295
00:20:38,887 --> 00:20:43,244
- (BOTH) "Panorama"!
- Contract killers are on the loose over there.
296
00:20:43,407 --> 00:20:47,480
How's that going to affect Boycie?
He's going with Thomas Cook!
297
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:52,402
No hit man is going
to have a pop at two British tourists!
298
00:20:52,567 --> 00:20:54,603
If he does, he'd better do it in the evening.
299
00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:59,318
One look at Marlene when she gets out of bed
would make anyone run a mile!
300
00:20:59,487 --> 00:21:03,685
- She'd put the frights up Hannibal Lecter!
- I like that, Del!
301
00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:07,965
How do you know what Marlene
looks like when she gets out of bed?
302
00:21:08,127 --> 00:21:11,244
- Your milkman told me.
- Oh.
303
00:21:16,887 --> 00:21:20,402
(DISTANT PASSING SIREN)
304
00:21:24,807 --> 00:21:27,162
- Hi.
- Hi.
305
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:31,723
- Lovely evening.
- Mmm.
306
00:21:32,887 --> 00:21:35,196
You got time for a chat?
307
00:21:35,367 --> 00:21:39,042
If it's anything to do
with uniforms, the answer's no.
308
00:21:39,207 --> 00:21:42,005
Sh! It's nothing to do with uniforms!
309
00:21:42,167 --> 00:21:45,842
I'm not dressing up
as a Victorian maid for anyone!
310
00:21:46,007 --> 00:21:49,556
Look, I'd had a few drinks
and said something stupid.
311
00:21:49,727 --> 00:21:54,323
That's no reason to kick me out of the flat.
Haven't you ever said something stupid?
312
00:21:54,487 --> 00:21:57,559
Yeah, two years ago I said, "I do"!
313
00:22:00,567 --> 00:22:03,843
- That's not fair, Cass.
- I didn't mean it.
314
00:22:05,007 --> 00:22:06,406
Sorry.
315
00:22:08,087 --> 00:22:12,478
- I won't mention uniforms again, I promise.
- All right, then.
316
00:22:13,567 --> 00:22:16,479
Well, glad the christening went off all right.
317
00:22:16,647 --> 00:22:20,322
I thought it was really moving.
He's such a lovely baby.
318
00:22:20,487 --> 00:22:22,478
Lovely?
319
00:22:22,647 --> 00:22:27,118
He's always biting me! He takes
great chunks of flesh out me arms!
320
00:22:27,287 --> 00:22:29,801
You liar! He smiled when he saw you.
321
00:22:29,967 --> 00:22:33,084
Yeah, 'cause he thought,
"Here comes elevenses!"
322
00:22:34,087 --> 00:22:37,796
Oh, shut up. He's a beautiful little thing.
323
00:22:37,967 --> 00:22:41,118
You ain't got to live in the same flat as...
324
00:22:42,847 --> 00:22:48,205
Sorry. I wasn't trying to... Well, you know.
325
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:53,202
You don't live at Del's all the time.
We spend weekends together.
326
00:22:53,367 --> 00:22:56,757
Oh, yeah, yeah. We spend weekends together.
327
00:22:56,927 --> 00:23:01,557
Don't start. We discussed all our problems
with the Relate counsellor.
328
00:23:01,727 --> 00:23:06,198
Remember what she said
after she stopped laughing?
329
00:23:06,367 --> 00:23:10,645
She advised us to go slowly
and just spend weekends together at first.
330
00:23:10,807 --> 00:23:14,561
- You must be joking!
- Well, the offer still holds.
331
00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:17,719
It's up to you.
Now, could we change the subject?
332
00:23:17,887 --> 00:23:19,878
Yes, sorry!
333
00:23:21,487 --> 00:23:25,639
How are things at the bank?
Heard anything about your promotion?
334
00:23:25,807 --> 00:23:29,083
Not yet, but I'm definitely on the shortlist.
335
00:23:29,247 --> 00:23:33,001
I've been invited to the company's
seminar in Eastbourne.
336
00:23:33,167 --> 00:23:35,237
A seminar in Eastbourne (!)
337
00:23:35,407 --> 00:23:37,398
Sorry.
338
00:23:38,727 --> 00:23:44,404
- It's important, this seminar?
- It's where the final interviews will be held.
339
00:23:44,567 --> 00:23:49,357
- Well... here's to your future.
- OURS.
340
00:23:49,527 --> 00:23:54,681
- Yeah.
- Don't look like that! Please?
341
00:23:56,247 --> 00:23:59,000
This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
342
00:23:59,167 --> 00:24:01,806
That's just it! Everybody's celebrating!
343
00:24:01,967 --> 00:24:04,527
Boycie and Marlene are off to the States,
344
00:24:04,687 --> 00:24:07,440
Del and Raquel have christened the chavie.
345
00:24:07,607 --> 00:24:09,518
That could be us in a while.
346
00:24:11,687 --> 00:24:13,279
What, a baby?
347
00:24:13,447 --> 00:24:18,521
No, I meant we could go to America.
It's been an ambition of mine.
348
00:24:18,687 --> 00:24:21,884
Once I get my promotion,
we could put some money aside
349
00:24:22,047 --> 00:24:24,800
and have a holiday in California or Florida.
350
00:24:26,167 --> 00:24:27,566
Yeah? When?
351
00:24:27,727 --> 00:24:29,206
A couple of years.
352
00:24:32,247 --> 00:24:33,646
Cosmic!
353
00:24:38,807 --> 00:24:41,685
(TRIG) There are thousands of trees
in the world!
354
00:24:41,847 --> 00:24:43,644
It is not just a bunch of trees!
355
00:24:43,807 --> 00:24:47,083
It's the Brazilian rainforest,
the lungs of the world!
356
00:24:47,247 --> 00:24:50,364
They are destroying it
at the rate of 25 acres a day!
357
00:24:50,527 --> 00:24:52,916
- Where is that, exactly?
- Huh?
358
00:24:53,087 --> 00:24:55,999
Where is the Brazilian rainforest?
359
00:24:56,167 --> 00:25:00,240
It's outside Luton!
Where do you think?! It's in Brazil!
360
00:25:01,487 --> 00:25:07,244
Albert, there you are! I've booked you
a front row seat at the launderama!
361
00:25:07,407 --> 00:25:10,319
Away you go. Rodney, I want a word with you.
362
00:25:10,487 --> 00:25:14,799
Give us a decaffeinated cappuccino
and a jam doughnut, Sid.
363
00:25:14,967 --> 00:25:20,519
He's on about that bleedin' rainforest again.
That's the fourth lecture this week!
364
00:25:20,687 --> 00:25:22,996
Well, he's worried about our world.
365
00:25:23,167 --> 00:25:26,477
It wouldn't hurt you to care
a bit more - look at that!
366
00:25:26,647 --> 00:25:30,720
It's fossil fuels. People don't
realise what damage they're doing.
367
00:25:30,887 --> 00:25:35,881
I don't have none of them
in my house. I use gas and oil.
368
00:25:37,167 --> 00:25:40,000
- Trig, they ARE fossil fuels.
- Are they?
369
00:25:40,167 --> 00:25:43,239
Well, I'll switch to coal in future.
370
00:25:43,407 --> 00:25:46,046
No! Coal is the same!
371
00:25:46,207 --> 00:25:49,995
I had a coal burner fitted.
It's not as dear as you think.
372
00:25:50,167 --> 00:25:52,317
Put it on Rodney's slate.
373
00:25:52,487 --> 00:25:56,162
(RODNEY) I don't know
how many bloody trees there are, Trig!
374
00:25:56,327 --> 00:25:59,876
Rodders, leave it out!
You'll never turn this lot "green"
375
00:26:00,047 --> 00:26:03,244
as long as you've got a hole in your ozone!
376
00:26:03,407 --> 00:26:07,685
I've got some exciting news
to tell you in private. Come here.
377
00:26:07,847 --> 00:26:09,838
Private, please! Thank you.
378
00:26:10,007 --> 00:26:15,035
I give up on you two!
It's so frustrating trying to explain
379
00:26:15,207 --> 00:26:17,402
what is happening on this planet!
380
00:26:17,567 --> 00:26:19,683
It gives me the hump an' all!
381
00:26:19,847 --> 00:26:23,999
They are more concerned
with a postcard from Boycie and Marlene!
382
00:26:24,167 --> 00:26:27,842
Gawd, dear! We had one
this morning! It's a lovely hotel.
383
00:26:28,007 --> 00:26:29,998
Del!
384
00:26:30,167 --> 00:26:32,727
So what's this exciting news?
385
00:26:32,887 --> 00:26:37,085
Well, I went down the bank
to pay in your cheque.
386
00:26:37,247 --> 00:26:41,240
I'd have gone earlier, but I've been having
trouble with me wine deal. Thanks, Sid.
387
00:26:41,407 --> 00:26:44,001
- So you have paid it in?
- Of course I have!
388
00:26:44,167 --> 00:26:48,558
You've got to look after that money.
Don't go sending it off to Sting!
389
00:26:48,727 --> 00:26:54,677
Anyway, when I was down there,
I bumped into Cassandra and we went for lunch.
390
00:26:54,847 --> 00:26:57,600
While I was having lunch, I had this great idea.
391
00:26:57,767 --> 00:27:00,406
I know you like to travel...
392
00:27:00,567 --> 00:27:02,603
I am not going to Romania!
393
00:27:02,767 --> 00:27:06,282
- Your wine shipment's got problems.
- Who said that?!
394
00:27:06,447 --> 00:27:11,521
Raquel said you had a call from Bucharest
that made you go pale and sweaty.
395
00:27:11,687 --> 00:27:16,078
It's nothing I can't handle,
just a hiccup with the old translation.
396
00:27:16,247 --> 00:27:19,080
Anyway, this idea was for you and Cassandra.
397
00:27:19,247 --> 00:27:22,557
We was talking about Boycie
and Marlene's holiday.
398
00:27:22,727 --> 00:27:27,164
Now, it worked out that Cassandra
would love to go to America.
399
00:27:28,487 --> 00:27:32,116
On the way here, I called in
to see Alex the travel agent.
400
00:27:32,287 --> 00:27:35,484
He has got a once-in-a-lifetime offer!
401
00:27:35,647 --> 00:27:37,877
It's practically a giveaway!
402
00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:42,564
Return tickets to Miami, 250 smackeroonies!
403
00:27:42,727 --> 00:27:47,039
Well, that's a monkey before
you got a bed for the night, innit?
404
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:52,076
No! Here's the cherry on top
of the cake - two go for the price of one!
405
00:27:52,247 --> 00:27:58,277
Think about it, Rodney - you and Cassandra
spending a week on Miami Beach!
406
00:27:58,447 --> 00:28:02,235
Miami... Nah, I could never afford it.
407
00:28:02,407 --> 00:28:07,242
'Course you can afford it! You've got
your Maxwell money, haven't ya?
408
00:28:07,407 --> 00:28:11,366
- Me what?
- Maxwell, your pension money.
409
00:28:14,847 --> 00:28:17,520
Miami...? Two for the price of one?
410
00:28:17,687 --> 00:28:21,919
Rodney, just think about it -
she'll love it, I know that.
411
00:28:22,087 --> 00:28:26,922
Imagine how she'll feel when you
announce your holiday of a lifetime!
412
00:28:27,087 --> 00:28:30,443
She'll be all over you like a rash!
413
00:28:30,607 --> 00:28:33,963
Is that a brilliant idea or just wonderful?
414
00:28:35,487 --> 00:28:37,682
It's a cosmic idea!
415
00:28:37,847 --> 00:28:40,919
- Would you give me the time off?
- Of course!
416
00:28:41,087 --> 00:28:42,998
Ace! But what about Cassy?
417
00:28:43,167 --> 00:28:48,560
The bank owe her three weeks' holiday -
she told me. You're off and running, bruv!
418
00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:52,561
Yeah? I'd better go and phone her
and make sure it's all right.
419
00:28:52,727 --> 00:28:57,357
No, don't phone her. Sit down there.
420
00:28:57,527 --> 00:28:59,518
You take her out for dinner,
421
00:28:59,687 --> 00:29:03,600
and when you get to the old coffee
and the Grand "Monier" stakes,
422
00:29:03,767 --> 00:29:06,998
you throw the tickets
down on the table and you say,
423
00:29:07,167 --> 00:29:12,400
"Darling, I am taking you to Miami."
You'll knock her bandy!
424
00:29:12,567 --> 00:29:16,958
Yeah! I'd better get down
that travel agent's a bit sharpish!
425
00:29:17,127 --> 00:29:19,118
No, no, don't go down there.
426
00:29:19,287 --> 00:29:21,881
Save the shoe leather, Rodney,
427
00:29:22,047 --> 00:29:25,278
'cause you see, I got them for you!
428
00:29:26,887 --> 00:29:29,526
Derek, you are a diamond!
429
00:29:29,687 --> 00:29:32,360
How did you know I wanted them?
430
00:29:32,527 --> 00:29:36,964
Even a plonker like you
wouldn't turn your nose up at a deal like this!
431
00:29:37,127 --> 00:29:40,915
I don't know what I'd do without you!
I'd never have thought...
432
00:29:41,087 --> 00:29:43,999
How did you afford it? I thought you were skint.
433
00:29:44,167 --> 00:29:46,601
I am. I cashed one of your cheques.
434
00:29:46,767 --> 00:29:50,806
- You took money out of my account?
- Don't you dare thank me!
435
00:29:51,967 --> 00:29:56,677
It was nothing.
I can forge your signature as easy as that!
436
00:30:00,087 --> 00:30:01,679
(TV ON)
437
00:30:04,967 --> 00:30:07,527
- All right?
- Lovely, son.
438
00:30:07,687 --> 00:30:13,478
- Where is everyone?
- Little 'un's in his cot, Raquel's cooking,
439
00:30:13,647 --> 00:30:18,562
Rodney's taken Cassandra to dinner.
He's gonna tell her about Miami.
440
00:30:18,727 --> 00:30:22,720
- I'd love to be there and see her face!
- So would I!
441
00:30:24,047 --> 00:30:26,242
'Ere, look. Oi! Oi!
442
00:30:26,407 --> 00:30:28,045
(TV OFF)
443
00:30:28,207 --> 00:30:29,686
Any calls for me?
444
00:30:29,847 --> 00:30:31,917
- Calls?
- Has the telephone rung
445
00:30:32,087 --> 00:30:35,397
- and a voice asked for me?
- Not that I'm aware of.
446
00:30:35,567 --> 00:30:41,119
- Thank God for that!
- Talking about God, I saw a funny thing today.
447
00:30:41,287 --> 00:30:45,121
I was walking past the church
where we held the christening,
448
00:30:45,287 --> 00:30:48,359
and there was a big articulated lorry outside.
449
00:30:48,527 --> 00:30:53,555
There was some sort of German writing
on the side, and the back doors were open.
450
00:30:53,727 --> 00:30:55,843
Full of cases of wine, it was.
451
00:30:56,927 --> 00:31:00,124
And that vicar,
the one what christened Damien,
452
00:31:00,287 --> 00:31:05,998
he was making the sign of the cross
and saying a prayer to this lorry.
453
00:31:06,167 --> 00:31:09,842
Funny old world, innit, eh? Listen to me.
454
00:31:10,007 --> 00:31:14,205
Anyone phones or calls round
asking for me, I'm not in, all right?
455
00:31:14,367 --> 00:31:18,042
Does "anyone" mean people
with Romanian accents?
456
00:31:18,207 --> 00:31:19,720
Hello, sweetheart.
457
00:31:19,887 --> 00:31:23,357
No, I didn't mean people
with Romanian accents.
458
00:31:23,527 --> 00:31:28,601
I just thought I ought to maintain
a bit of a low profile for a while.
459
00:31:28,767 --> 00:31:31,201
I think I'll take a look at Damien.
460
00:31:31,367 --> 00:31:34,837
You dare! It's taken me
over an hour to get him to sleep!
461
00:31:35,007 --> 00:31:40,161
All right. I'll make meself a Singapore Sling
to unwind, and take a hot bath.
462
00:31:40,327 --> 00:31:41,726
(DOOR SLAMS)
463
00:31:41,887 --> 00:31:44,924
- Rodney's back.
- (DEL) All right, Rodders?
464
00:31:45,087 --> 00:31:49,126
- What does Cassandra say?
- I'm going to bed!
465
00:31:49,287 --> 00:31:54,122
- Everything all right, bruv?
- Brilliant, Del! Bloody brilliant!
466
00:31:54,287 --> 00:31:57,120
Cassandra cannot come to Miami with me!
467
00:31:57,287 --> 00:31:59,084
- (DEL) Eh?
- Why not?
468
00:31:59,247 --> 00:32:02,398
- Because she is busy that week!
- Doing what?
469
00:32:02,567 --> 00:32:06,765
She has to attend the bank's
seminar in bloody Eastbourne!
470
00:32:06,927 --> 00:32:14,277
She is giving up a trip to Miami for some crappy
interview so she can become an executive!
471
00:32:14,447 --> 00:32:17,007
She should get her priorities right!
472
00:32:17,167 --> 00:32:21,240
- Let's be fair about this.
- Let's be fair, Rodney.
473
00:32:21,407 --> 00:32:23,841
These interviews are very important.
474
00:32:24,007 --> 00:32:28,319
Five years of college
and evening school have led to this seminar.
475
00:32:28,487 --> 00:32:32,241
You can't expect her
to risk her future for a week in the sun.
476
00:32:32,407 --> 00:32:34,716
It's not that. It's just my luck -
477
00:32:34,887 --> 00:32:40,166
any other week would have been fine
but, no, it had to be that week!
478
00:32:40,327 --> 00:32:43,637
I know it's tough, but it's just the way it goes.
479
00:32:43,807 --> 00:32:46,367
Well, for me it is, yeah.
480
00:32:46,527 --> 00:32:50,236
- See you in the morning.
- Yeah, goodnight, bruv.
481
00:32:51,767 --> 00:32:54,281
Dear, oh, dear, oh, Lord.
482
00:32:54,447 --> 00:32:58,406
That's a bit of a body blow, innit? There you are.
483
00:32:58,567 --> 00:33:01,035
Yeah, he was looking forward to that.
484
00:33:01,207 --> 00:33:03,801
He should have phoned Cassandra first.
485
00:33:03,967 --> 00:33:05,958
Yeah.
486
00:33:07,887 --> 00:33:14,042
I told him to phone her. I said, "Phone her.
Make sure she can make that week!"
487
00:33:14,207 --> 00:33:17,882
But he wouldn't listen. You know what he's like.
488
00:33:18,047 --> 00:33:19,639
- It's a shame.
- Yeah!
489
00:33:27,887 --> 00:33:32,677
Stupid bank! Stupid, stupid bank!
490
00:33:44,287 --> 00:33:47,916
(MENACING CHORAL MUSIC)
491
00:33:48,087 --> 00:33:54,117
Go to sleep, Damien, otherwise Uncle Rodney
will get angry. You won't like me...
492
00:33:54,287 --> 00:33:56,926
(ON INTERCOM)... when I'm angry!
493
00:33:59,087 --> 00:34:01,965
Look, just pack it in, will ya?
494
00:34:02,127 --> 00:34:05,881
You don't frighten me,
so just go to sleep, you little sod!
495
00:34:06,047 --> 00:34:10,484
- What's he doing in there?
- Having a row with Damien.
496
00:34:10,647 --> 00:34:12,558
How do you work this thing?
497
00:34:12,727 --> 00:34:16,037
(DISTORTED VOICE ON INTERCOM)
Who are you talking to?
498
00:34:16,207 --> 00:34:18,721
Jesus on a bike!
499
00:34:21,567 --> 00:34:23,159
What's happened?
500
00:34:27,327 --> 00:34:28,999
All right, bruv?
501
00:34:29,167 --> 00:34:32,603
- Yeah, yeah, fine.
- You look pale.
502
00:34:32,767 --> 00:34:34,758
No...
503
00:34:34,927 --> 00:34:39,398
I was just thinking, I won't sleep
with Damien no more...
504
00:34:40,567 --> 00:34:46,005
...'cause I keep snoring
and waking him up, bless him.
505
00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:49,000
I'll just kip on the sofa if that's all right.
506
00:34:49,167 --> 00:34:53,160
- Anything you like, bruv.
- I'll just have a quick shower.
507
00:34:53,327 --> 00:34:55,158
(DAMIEN CRIES)
508
00:34:55,327 --> 00:34:57,079
Sorry.
509
00:34:57,247 --> 00:35:02,605
- It's all right. I'm used to it.
- You going, are you? All right.
510
00:35:08,287 --> 00:35:12,200
You was really looking forward
to going to Miami, weren't ya?
511
00:35:12,367 --> 00:35:16,326
I had dreams of what it would be like.
512
00:35:16,487 --> 00:35:18,364
You'll get your money back.
513
00:35:18,527 --> 00:35:21,439
No, I won't. The tickets are non-refundable.
514
00:35:21,607 --> 00:35:24,838
- Still going, aren't you?
- Of course I ain't!
515
00:35:25,007 --> 00:35:31,480
Cassandra will think you're just a puppet who
can't do anything unless she pulls your strings!
516
00:35:31,647 --> 00:35:35,959
- But I'll be all on me own.
- You're only going for a week!
517
00:35:36,127 --> 00:35:41,599
What about him? He was on his own once
for three months on an uninhabited island!
518
00:35:41,767 --> 00:35:46,124
It wasn't uninhabited when he arrived,
but that's another story.
519
00:35:46,287 --> 00:35:50,360
You have to go. You've got to prove
to Cassandra that you're a man
520
00:35:50,527 --> 00:35:54,998
and you're not frightened
to stand on your own two feet.
521
00:35:55,167 --> 00:35:59,285
- You know, you're right!
- So you're going, son?
522
00:35:59,447 --> 00:36:01,961
Possibly.
523
00:36:05,407 --> 00:36:07,762
He won't go, will he?
524
00:36:07,927 --> 00:36:11,124
Yeah, of course he'll go, Unc,
and do you know why?
525
00:36:11,287 --> 00:36:13,755
Because I'm going with him!
526
00:36:15,087 --> 00:36:17,840
There you are.
527
00:36:18,007 --> 00:36:23,161
You've got a lovely cot, haven't you?
You're all warm and happy.
528
00:36:24,367 --> 00:36:27,279
We wish poor Uncle Rodney was, don't we?
529
00:36:27,447 --> 00:36:30,007
He can't go to Miami now.
530
00:36:30,167 --> 00:36:32,681
It's a shame.
531
00:36:32,847 --> 00:36:37,967
Shall I put your mobile on for you,
the one Daddy bought you? Yeah?
532
00:36:39,087 --> 00:36:44,002
You've got a lovely daddy,
haven't you, buying you these presents?
533
00:36:44,167 --> 00:36:46,727
(MOBILE DOESN'T PLAY TUNE)
534
00:36:46,887 --> 00:36:50,675
Maybe Daddy could go with Uncle Rodney?
535
00:36:50,847 --> 00:36:53,680
You wouldn't mind, would you?
536
00:36:53,847 --> 00:36:56,805
He'd only be gone for a week.
537
00:36:56,967 --> 00:36:58,923
(NO MUSIC FROM MOBILE)
538
00:36:59,087 --> 00:37:01,203
I wonder where Daddy got that from?
539
00:37:02,527 --> 00:37:05,997
It's a mystery, like so many things!
540
00:37:08,207 --> 00:37:10,562
Can you persuade Raquel?
541
00:37:10,727 --> 00:37:13,287
Can Fergie ski (?)
542
00:37:13,447 --> 00:37:19,317
I only wanna go for a week in Miami. I'm not
taking a six-month exhibition up the jungle!
543
00:37:19,487 --> 00:37:23,162
My Ada weren't too happy
when I told her I was going abroad.
544
00:37:23,327 --> 00:37:28,117
You joined the navy and went
round the world seven bloody times!
545
00:37:28,287 --> 00:37:31,563
No wonder the poor cow got the needle!
546
00:37:31,727 --> 00:37:35,436
Night, night, baby. Mummy's just outside.
547
00:37:35,607 --> 00:37:38,758
I'll switch your little box on
in case you need me.
548
00:37:38,927 --> 00:37:42,840
(DEL ON INTERCOM) All I want to do
is go to Miami with Rodney!
549
00:37:43,007 --> 00:37:45,157
He's got a ticket going begging!
550
00:37:45,327 --> 00:37:48,717
Raquel has been to America,
ain't she? What about me?
551
00:37:48,887 --> 00:37:50,878
I've been nowhere!
552
00:37:51,047 --> 00:37:53,277
Benidorm and Bognor, that's me!
553
00:37:53,447 --> 00:37:58,726
Nah, she'll be all right.
Raquel will be OK, you'll see.
554
00:37:58,887 --> 00:38:02,562
Yeah, I'll work her.
Everything will be cushty!
555
00:38:02,727 --> 00:38:05,958
I wouldn't be surprised
if she puts a block on ya.
556
00:38:06,127 --> 00:38:09,881
Leave it out, Uncle. I'm the guv'nor
in this house, ain't I?
557
00:38:10,047 --> 00:38:13,960
I shall just say, "Raquel,
I'm going to Miami with my brother,
558
00:38:14,127 --> 00:38:18,006
"like it or lump it! Pick the bones
out of that, darling!"
559
00:38:18,167 --> 00:38:21,443
- All right, sweetheart?
- Yeah, he's settled down.
560
00:38:21,607 --> 00:38:23,996
Del's got something to tell you, love.
561
00:38:24,167 --> 00:38:26,965
(RAQUEL) What's that?
562
00:38:28,967 --> 00:38:33,563
That programme you want to watch
is about to start!
563
00:38:33,727 --> 00:38:36,958
- Sit down.
- But your dinner's in the oven.
564
00:38:37,127 --> 00:38:41,643
Don't worry, I like it all baked up.
Can I get you a drink?
565
00:38:41,807 --> 00:38:45,004
- No, thanks.
- All right. Are you nice and comfy?
566
00:38:45,167 --> 00:38:47,283
- Mmm.
- There you are, darling!
567
00:38:47,447 --> 00:38:50,086
Cushty!
568
00:38:50,247 --> 00:38:53,876
Come on, then. Come to your lover.
569
00:38:54,047 --> 00:38:56,038
That's it.
570
00:39:04,287 --> 00:39:07,518
It's a shame, innit?
571
00:39:07,687 --> 00:39:10,247
Mmm.
572
00:39:13,487 --> 00:39:16,365
Yes, it's a crying bloody shame.
573
00:39:16,527 --> 00:39:20,076
- What is?
- Poor little Rodney.
574
00:39:20,247 --> 00:39:23,045
You mean those tickets to Miami, son?
575
00:39:23,207 --> 00:39:28,600
That's right. Cassandra can't go
with him so he won't be able to go.
576
00:39:28,767 --> 00:39:32,157
- Couldn't Rodney go on his own?
- Definitely not!
577
00:39:32,327 --> 00:39:35,797
- I went to America on my own.
- You've got a bit of savvy.
578
00:39:35,967 --> 00:39:40,518
You couldn't have Rodney Trotter
AND Dan Quayle on the same continent!
579
00:39:40,687 --> 00:39:43,520
No, he needs someone to look after him.
580
00:39:43,687 --> 00:39:46,485
That's it, innit? But what can you do?
581
00:39:46,647 --> 00:39:48,763
Mmm...
582
00:39:52,247 --> 00:39:54,807
Poor little Rodney.
583
00:39:54,967 --> 00:39:58,084
- I've got an idea!
- What's that, Unc?
584
00:39:58,247 --> 00:40:00,477
Why don't he take someone with him?
585
00:40:00,647 --> 00:40:04,720
That's a good idea! I'm surprised
you didn't think of that, Del!
586
00:40:04,887 --> 00:40:08,277
Yeah, so am I. Of course, the trouble is...
587
00:40:08,447 --> 00:40:10,403
- Who?
- Who?
588
00:40:10,567 --> 00:40:13,286
What about Mickey Pearce?
589
00:40:18,287 --> 00:40:21,040
Great idea. It's a brilliant idea.
590
00:40:21,207 --> 00:40:24,358
But the tickets are made out
in the name of Trotter.
591
00:40:24,527 --> 00:40:28,076
- They're not transferable.
- You mean he's got to go
592
00:40:28,247 --> 00:40:32,957
- with someone named Trotter?
- Exactly! Exactly.
593
00:40:34,567 --> 00:40:39,277
Oh, dear! Poor little Rodney!
594
00:40:42,207 --> 00:40:45,517
- Why don't you go with him, Del?
- Me?!
595
00:40:45,687 --> 00:40:48,326
Yeah! Your name's Trotter!
596
00:40:48,487 --> 00:40:53,481
Yes, yes, great, but...
597
00:40:53,647 --> 00:40:55,763
But what?
598
00:40:55,927 --> 00:40:59,636
I couldn't leave you and Damien on your own!
599
00:40:59,807 --> 00:41:01,240
I'd be here.
600
00:41:01,407 --> 00:41:06,606
That's like asking McDonald's
to look after your cow, innit?!
601
00:41:06,767 --> 00:41:11,363
It's only for a week! Damien and I
could just about manage to survive!
602
00:41:11,527 --> 00:41:15,759
I couldn't do that. I'm not
that sort of bloke. I'd be worried sick.
603
00:41:15,927 --> 00:41:19,397
All right, then. I don't want to make you ill!
604
00:41:22,767 --> 00:41:26,077
On the other hand, I don't want to be selfish.
605
00:41:26,247 --> 00:41:28,761
I couldn't imagine you being that, Del.
606
00:41:28,927 --> 00:41:35,400
The thing is, this is the chance of a lifetime
for little Rodney, the poor little cock!
607
00:41:35,567 --> 00:41:38,320
And as it was my idea, I feel partly to blame.
608
00:41:38,487 --> 00:41:40,478
Go to Miami, Del!
609
00:41:40,647 --> 00:41:43,764
- Really?
- Really. You'll love it!
610
00:41:44,807 --> 00:41:47,560
Terrific!
611
00:41:51,727 --> 00:41:54,799
Of course, I'm not really looking forward to it.
612
00:41:54,967 --> 00:41:57,356
I'm only doing it for...
613
00:41:57,527 --> 00:42:00,166
(BOTH)... poor little Rodney!
614
00:42:00,327 --> 00:42:04,718
Oh, darling... you know what, Raquel?
615
00:42:04,887 --> 00:42:07,720
You've got a heart like a diamond.
616
00:42:07,887 --> 00:42:11,800
You know what you remind me of?
You remind me so much of my mum!
617
00:42:13,287 --> 00:42:14,686
Thanks.
618
00:42:14,847 --> 00:42:17,680
I'll bring ya back a blinding present!
619
00:42:17,847 --> 00:42:20,839
'Ere, Rodney. Del's got
some good news for you!
620
00:42:21,007 --> 00:42:23,123
What's that, then?
621
00:42:23,287 --> 00:42:25,926
I'm coming to Miami with ya!
622
00:42:26,087 --> 00:42:27,600
You bloody ain't!
623
00:42:30,327 --> 00:42:33,637
- Eh?
- I ain't going on holiday with you!
624
00:42:34,807 --> 00:42:37,526
Excuse me. Excuse me a moment, would you?
625
00:42:37,687 --> 00:42:41,600
Can I have a word with you
in the executive boardroom?
626
00:42:41,767 --> 00:42:43,485
Wherever you want!
627
00:42:43,647 --> 00:42:46,764
He's just mixed up. I'll soon straighten him out.
628
00:42:48,367 --> 00:42:51,564
- You've got a bloody nerve!
- Sh! Damien!
629
00:42:59,007 --> 00:43:01,316
What's the matter with you, Rodney?
630
00:43:01,487 --> 00:43:05,162
Del, I'm not flying 4,000 miles
across the Atlantic Ocean
631
00:43:05,327 --> 00:43:09,445
with you in my earhole all day and night!
I want a break from all that!
632
00:43:09,607 --> 00:43:12,405
I've been on holiday with you before!
633
00:43:13,687 --> 00:43:18,044
That's charming, isn't it?
Absolutely charming!
634
00:43:18,207 --> 00:43:22,723
After all that I have done for you!
What thanks do I get?
635
00:43:22,887 --> 00:43:25,560
No bloody thanks, that's the thanks I get!
636
00:43:25,727 --> 00:43:28,195
(DAMIEN CRIES)
637
00:43:28,367 --> 00:43:30,642
Now look what you've done!
638
00:43:33,007 --> 00:43:36,716
Sh! Damien, sh! It's all right! Daddy's here.
639
00:43:36,887 --> 00:43:38,479
RAQUEL!
640
00:43:40,287 --> 00:43:43,359
When we went on holiday,
we had a bloody good time!
641
00:43:43,527 --> 00:43:47,486
YOU had a good time.
Everybody else within a radius of 300 yards
642
00:43:47,647 --> 00:43:50,036
was praying their spleen would burst!
643
00:43:50,207 --> 00:43:54,439
You got drunk, shouted at women,
got us into fights...
644
00:43:54,607 --> 00:43:57,121
We were on holiday!
645
00:43:57,287 --> 00:44:00,404
Well, this time, I want a more relaxing holiday.
646
00:44:00,567 --> 00:44:02,364
Relaxing? I see.
647
00:44:02,527 --> 00:44:06,122
So what you're trying to say
is I'm not relaxing company.
648
00:44:06,287 --> 00:44:09,518
(DAMIEN CRIES)
649
00:44:09,687 --> 00:44:13,157
Raquel! The baby's crying!
650
00:44:15,207 --> 00:44:18,756
Rodney, that's all different now.
That was in the past.
651
00:44:18,927 --> 00:44:23,478
I'm a changed man, see?
I'm a married man with a baby!
652
00:44:23,647 --> 00:44:28,198
I've got a baby,
and that's the reason why I've changed -
653
00:44:28,367 --> 00:44:30,961
because I have got a son whom I cherish.
654
00:44:31,127 --> 00:44:33,561
(RAQUEL SHOUTS) Darling, I'm coming!
655
00:44:33,727 --> 00:44:36,958
And there's the mother of my son
whom cherishes me!
656
00:44:37,127 --> 00:44:41,518
(RAQUEL) Don't break your back,
Trotter, I'll deal with him (!)
657
00:44:41,687 --> 00:44:44,201
Thank you, sweetheart! Thank you.
658
00:44:44,407 --> 00:44:51,165
Come on, Rodney, you're judging me
by a few misguided incidents, that's all!
659
00:44:51,327 --> 00:44:53,397
I've told you, I'm changed now!
660
00:44:53,567 --> 00:44:56,320
Come on! You want to go to Miami, don't ya?
661
00:44:56,487 --> 00:45:03,199
Of course I want to go,
but this time I want it to be... sensible.
662
00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:05,005
Sensible?
663
00:45:05,167 --> 00:45:09,683
'Course you do! I'm sensible!
Sensible's my middle name!
664
00:45:09,847 --> 00:45:14,159
- (RAQUEL) Will you get me a nappy?
- Of course, sweetheart!
665
00:45:14,327 --> 00:45:16,841
See? See that?
666
00:45:18,287 --> 00:45:20,278
Look, Rodney...
667
00:45:20,447 --> 00:45:28,286
I mean, look, all I want to do
is just sit on a beach and relax.
668
00:45:28,447 --> 00:45:30,119
Same here.
669
00:45:30,287 --> 00:45:33,723
Well, they've got
some blinding beaches in Miami!
670
00:45:33,887 --> 00:45:37,277
- Mmm...
- Yeah...
671
00:45:37,447 --> 00:45:41,486
And they've got
some fantastic art museums in Miami.
672
00:45:41,647 --> 00:45:43,365
- Yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
673
00:45:43,527 --> 00:45:45,836
I wouldn't mind some of that.
674
00:45:46,007 --> 00:45:51,320
And you can have it, Cinders!
All you've got to do is say the magic words!
675
00:45:52,567 --> 00:45:55,957
How are you going to swing it with Raquel?
676
00:45:56,127 --> 00:45:58,277
I've already done it. I told...
677
00:46:01,687 --> 00:46:04,884
(HUSHED) I told her. I told her straight.
678
00:46:05,047 --> 00:46:09,199
I said, "I wanna go to Miami with Rodney.
You can like it or lump it.
679
00:46:09,367 --> 00:46:12,200
"Pick the bones out of that, darling!"
680
00:46:12,367 --> 00:46:15,916
- (RAQUEL) Derek!
- Coming, sweetheart!
681
00:46:16,087 --> 00:46:20,603
Come on! You and me, eh?
What do you say? Yeah? Yeah?
682
00:46:20,767 --> 00:46:23,565
- Eh?
- Well...
683
00:46:23,727 --> 00:46:27,879
Come on! Say the magic words, Rodney!
684
00:46:28,047 --> 00:46:31,676
- Yeah, all right, then.
- Yes!
685
00:46:31,847 --> 00:46:36,238
Good boy! That's it, you see?
You know it makes sense!
686
00:46:37,967 --> 00:46:40,037
Where's that nappy?
687
00:46:40,207 --> 00:46:45,327
We're older now, ain't we?
We can appreciate the finer things in life.
688
00:46:45,487 --> 00:46:47,478
What? Not half!
689
00:46:47,647 --> 00:46:49,638
- Do you want this?
- Yeah.
690
00:46:49,807 --> 00:46:51,798
Thanks!
691
00:46:51,967 --> 00:46:56,006
This time, let's be more,
what's the word? Sophisticated.
692
00:46:56,167 --> 00:47:00,001
That's a great word.
I've got another word - debonair.
693
00:47:00,167 --> 00:47:02,158
Yeah, yeah. That's a good word!
694
00:47:02,327 --> 00:47:04,966
We're beginning to think alike, bruv!
695
00:47:05,127 --> 00:47:09,245
- (RAQUEL YELLS) Derek!
- Coming! I'm on me way!
696
00:47:09,407 --> 00:47:10,886
Look!
697
00:47:11,047 --> 00:47:13,003
(DEL LAUGHS)
698
00:47:13,167 --> 00:47:15,761
Good job I kept them, wasn't it?
699
00:47:30,847 --> 00:47:34,283
- Have you seen it, Rodders?
- Seen what?
700
00:47:34,447 --> 00:47:37,359
You know - our plane!
701
00:47:37,527 --> 00:47:40,325
It's only a jumbo jet!
702
00:47:40,487 --> 00:47:43,877
Well, they usually are. This is transatlantic.
703
00:47:44,047 --> 00:47:45,924
Yeah. Transatlantic!
704
00:47:46,887 --> 00:47:51,085
(TANNOY) Would all passengers
seated in rows 19 through to 40
705
00:47:51,247 --> 00:47:55,684
- please come forward to board?
- Come on, Rodders, that's us!
706
00:47:55,847 --> 00:47:58,680
- There's no hurry!
- Yes, there is! Come on!
707
00:47:58,847 --> 00:48:03,398
The sooner we're on the plane,
the sooner old Biggles can take off!
708
00:48:08,487 --> 00:48:13,641
Excuse me! What's your game, pal?
Come on, there's no rush!
709
00:48:13,807 --> 00:48:17,038
Blimey, anybody would think
he owned the plane!
710
00:48:22,807 --> 00:48:27,517
(MUSIC: "EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE
THE WORLD" BY TEARS FOR FEARS)
711
00:48:27,727 --> 00:48:31,037
(TEARS FOR FEARS ON DEL'S STEREO)
712
00:48:35,207 --> 00:48:37,767
Hey, hey! We've done it, Rodders!
713
00:48:38,927 --> 00:48:41,361
- Done what?
- Eh?
714
00:48:41,527 --> 00:48:44,439
- Done what?
- Joined the glitterati!
715
00:48:44,607 --> 00:48:46,086
The glitterati?
716
00:48:46,247 --> 00:48:48,078
Eh?
717
00:48:48,247 --> 00:48:50,203
Take the headphones off!
718
00:48:50,367 --> 00:48:52,358
Eh?
719
00:48:52,527 --> 00:48:56,759
- Sorry. What?
- What do you mean, joined the glitterati?
720
00:48:56,927 --> 00:49:00,602
Well, we have, ain't we?
We're transatlantic people now.
721
00:49:00,767 --> 00:49:03,964
No more of that Costa Del Sewage for us, bruv.
722
00:49:04,127 --> 00:49:07,437
- We're in the big time now!
- I suppose so.
723
00:49:07,607 --> 00:49:12,158
Del, when we land in Miami,
before we go to any of the bars,
724
00:49:12,327 --> 00:49:16,684
we gotta sort ourselves out
some transport and accommodation.
725
00:49:16,847 --> 00:49:22,365
It's all taken care of. Alex, the travel agent,
faxed one of his people in the States.
726
00:49:22,527 --> 00:49:25,837
So we're all fixed up! Ace!
727
00:49:26,007 --> 00:49:29,886
I'll pay Alex when I get back.
I'll do it on me credit card.
728
00:49:30,047 --> 00:49:32,402
- I've already done it.
- Good.
729
00:49:33,807 --> 00:49:36,719
- What, on my credit card?
- Yeah.
730
00:49:36,887 --> 00:49:39,560
That's what you were gonna do, wasn't it?
731
00:49:39,727 --> 00:49:41,046
Yeah.
732
00:49:41,207 --> 00:49:43,880
I've saved you the bother, bruvver!
733
00:49:44,047 --> 00:49:47,722
This is your holiday
and I don't want nothing to mar it.
734
00:49:47,887 --> 00:49:49,525
Thanks.
735
00:49:49,687 --> 00:49:52,326
We're gonna live it up a little, ain't we?
736
00:49:52,487 --> 00:49:55,957
Yes, but there are two kinds
of living it up, Del -
737
00:49:56,127 --> 00:49:59,199
enjoying the freedom from the stresses of work,
738
00:49:59,367 --> 00:50:04,282
filling the mind with new sights
and sounds, experiencing local cuisine,
739
00:50:04,447 --> 00:50:08,520
even indulging in the gifts
of nature such as the sea and the sun.
740
00:50:08,687 --> 00:50:12,362
- And then there's your kind!
- What exactly do you...?
741
00:50:12,527 --> 00:50:14,643
There will be no women on this trip!
742
00:50:14,807 --> 00:50:18,083
Can you be more pacific?
743
00:50:18,247 --> 00:50:22,081
This holiday is not going
to be another Benidorm Revisited.
744
00:50:22,247 --> 00:50:26,798
If I see just one bra hanging off
our car aerial, I'm out of there!
745
00:50:26,967 --> 00:50:31,961
I'm not going to do anything like that!
I would never have even thought of it!
746
00:50:32,127 --> 00:50:37,838
I don't know what goes on
in that mind of yours, you dirty little devil!
747
00:50:41,847 --> 00:50:47,319
I'm gonna have a little nap.
Give us a nudge when the old drinks arrive.
748
00:50:47,487 --> 00:50:49,682
How does this go back?
749
00:50:49,847 --> 00:50:51,644
(SMASHING GLASS)
750
00:50:51,807 --> 00:50:55,356
(WOMAN) Look what you've done!
(DEL) Sorry about that!
751
00:50:55,527 --> 00:50:58,200
(DEL) That will clean off. Ask for a cloth.
752
00:50:58,367 --> 00:51:00,358
(WOMAN) It's dry clean only!
753
00:51:00,527 --> 00:51:03,439
(DEL) That's just on the label to impress ya!
754
00:51:03,607 --> 00:51:07,077
Give me a serviette and I'll do it!
755
00:51:25,527 --> 00:51:27,643
# Hot town, summer in the city
756
00:51:27,807 --> 00:51:30,241
# Back of my neck getting dirty, gritty
757
00:51:30,407 --> 00:51:32,523
# Been down, isn't it a pity
758
00:51:32,687 --> 00:51:36,805
# Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
All around me, people looking half dead
759
00:51:36,967 --> 00:51:40,721
# Walking on the sidewalk,
hotter than a match head
760
00:51:40,887 --> 00:51:42,878
# But at night it's a different world
761
00:51:43,047 --> 00:51:44,924
# Go out and find a girl
762
00:51:45,087 --> 00:51:47,282
# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
763
00:51:47,447 --> 00:51:49,438
# Despite the heat it'll be all right
764
00:51:49,607 --> 00:51:53,998
# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity
The days can't be more like the nights
765
00:51:54,167 --> 00:51:56,078
# In the summer, in the city
766
00:51:56,247 --> 00:51:57,760
# In the summer
767
00:51:57,927 --> 00:52:02,079
# In the city
768
00:52:02,247 --> 00:52:06,638
# Cool town, evening in the city
Dressed so fine and looking so pretty
769
00:52:06,807 --> 00:52:08,843
# I'm a cool cat looking for a kitty
770
00:52:09,007 --> 00:52:11,123
# Gonna look in every corner of the city
771
00:52:11,287 --> 00:52:13,517
# Till I'm wheezing at the bus stop
772
00:52:13,687 --> 00:52:16,963
# Running up the stairs,
I'm gonna meet you on the roof top
773
00:52:17,127 --> 00:52:21,006
# But at night it's a different world
Go out and find a girl
774
00:52:21,167 --> 00:52:23,635
# Come on, come on, we'll dance all night
775
00:52:23,807 --> 00:52:25,798
# Despite the heat it'll be all right
776
00:52:25,967 --> 00:52:28,401
# And, babe, don't you know it's a pity
777
00:52:28,567 --> 00:52:32,446
# The days can't be more like the nights
In the summer, in the city
778
00:52:32,607 --> 00:52:34,757
# In the summer
779
00:52:34,927 --> 00:52:40,445
# In the city... #
780
00:52:42,287 --> 00:52:46,439
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
781
00:53:11,287 --> 00:53:14,916
- Hello, anybody here?
- (MAN) Hello! I'm in here!
782
00:53:19,487 --> 00:53:21,239
Hi, how ya doing?
783
00:53:21,407 --> 00:53:27,164
Our travel agent reckons
he's booked a car for us with you.
784
00:53:28,127 --> 00:53:32,120
- OK. You guys on vacation?
- Yeah, a week's holiday.
785
00:53:32,287 --> 00:53:36,838
No kidding? You come all the way
from Australia for a week?
786
00:53:37,007 --> 00:53:41,842
No, we're not from Australia.
No, we are English.
787
00:53:42,007 --> 00:53:44,805
You could have fooled me!
788
00:53:46,087 --> 00:53:49,875
I won't hold you up.
I'll bring it round the front for you.
789
00:53:50,047 --> 00:53:51,765
OK.
790
00:53:52,087 --> 00:53:54,078
Hey, look at this!
791
00:53:54,247 --> 00:53:58,684
- We'll have some of that, eh?
- Yeah, a nice little boat trip!
792
00:53:58,847 --> 00:54:01,566
- Do us the world of good!
- Yeah!
793
00:54:07,287 --> 00:54:12,600
Wotcha, America! This is going
to be a holiday to remember, innit?
794
00:54:12,767 --> 00:54:15,235
You said it, bruv!
795
00:54:16,687 --> 00:54:19,679
(RUMBLING ENGINE)
796
00:54:19,847 --> 00:54:22,645
Here we go, Rodders!
797
00:54:30,007 --> 00:54:33,556
- What the hell is this thing?!
- Have a nice day!
798
00:54:33,727 --> 00:54:35,604
- And you!
- Thank you.
799
00:54:35,767 --> 00:54:40,158
- What are we going to do with that?
- That is where we're going to live.
800
00:54:40,327 --> 00:54:42,124
Alex recommended it.
801
00:54:42,287 --> 00:54:46,405
The advantage is,
we don't have to stay in one spot.
802
00:54:46,567 --> 00:54:49,718
We can move about a bit and it's cheap.
803
00:54:49,887 --> 00:54:55,644
Del, there is no way I am going to spend
any time in this mobile ghetto with you!
804
00:54:55,807 --> 00:54:58,605
You're not going to spend any time...
805
00:54:58,767 --> 00:55:03,079
I was only trying to save you money,
and we won't be trapped, will we?
806
00:55:03,247 --> 00:55:07,206
When we get to a campsite,
we can dump this and go walkies.
807
00:55:07,367 --> 00:55:10,518
We could have booked a hotel! Oh, bloody hell!
808
00:55:12,847 --> 00:55:15,236
I don't believe that I've got...
809
00:55:17,767 --> 00:55:20,520
All right, on one condition!
810
00:55:20,687 --> 00:55:22,757
What is the condition?
811
00:55:22,927 --> 00:55:24,679
No curries!
812
00:55:26,567 --> 00:55:29,877
All right, no curries.
813
00:55:31,927 --> 00:55:36,284
Come on, then!
Let's go and see America! Hey, hey!
814
00:55:43,367 --> 00:55:46,404
(LAUGHS)
815
00:55:46,567 --> 00:55:48,558
Here we go, Rodders!
816
00:55:48,727 --> 00:55:51,400
# Oh, the Yellow Rose of Texas
817
00:55:51,567 --> 00:55:54,127
# Is the one I'm gonna see
818
00:55:54,287 --> 00:55:58,565
# The Yellow Rose of Texas
is the only girl for me! #
819
00:55:58,727 --> 00:56:00,524
- DEL!
- (MAN) You jerk!
820
00:56:00,687 --> 00:56:03,918
You're on the wrong side of the road!
821
00:56:05,287 --> 00:56:10,202
- They drive on the right-hand side over here!
- Oh, yeah!
822
00:56:12,447 --> 00:56:16,281
# Oh, the Yellow Rose of Texas
is the one I'm gonna see!
823
00:56:16,447 --> 00:56:20,235
# The Yellow Rose of Texas
is the only girl for me! #
824
00:56:43,607 --> 00:56:45,598
Yeah, what is it?
825
00:56:45,767 --> 00:56:47,166
All right.
826
00:56:49,367 --> 00:56:55,681
Hey, Tony, Lurch, Gino, smarten up!
The Don's left the courthouse.
827
00:58:01,687 --> 00:58:04,247
- Rico.
- Yeah, Pop?
828
00:58:04,407 --> 00:58:07,877
Who are those goons in the car?
829
00:58:08,047 --> 00:58:14,282
- Police surveillance, nothing to worry about.
- Nothing to worry about?!
830
00:58:14,527 --> 00:58:18,281
I got cops outside my front gate!
What happened to my civil rights?
831
00:58:18,847 --> 00:58:22,601
They kinda diminished
after they arrested you, Pop.
832
00:58:22,767 --> 00:58:25,839
But you've been released on bail, so be happy.
833
00:58:26,007 --> 00:58:30,922
Be happy (!) Be happy, huh?
834
00:58:31,087 --> 00:58:34,682
One week from now, I got a jury
sitting in judgement on me!
835
00:58:34,847 --> 00:58:39,967
I might spend the rest of my life in San
Quentin, and my son wants to throw a party!
836
00:58:41,127 --> 00:58:46,599
What are ya, huh? What are ya?
I want to speak to my lawyer now!
837
00:58:46,767 --> 00:58:48,519
Salvatore!
838
00:59:12,567 --> 00:59:15,604
Salvatore...
839
00:59:16,549 --> 00:59:18,938
Don Occhetti.
840
00:59:21,189 --> 00:59:23,578
Salvatore...
841
00:59:23,749 --> 00:59:27,298
- Haven't I always been good to you?
- Yes, Don Occhetti.
842
00:59:27,469 --> 00:59:32,065
- Haven't I done favours for your family?
- Yes, Don Occhetti.
843
00:59:32,229 --> 00:59:35,744
- Have I ever done you harm?
- There was that time when...
844
00:59:35,909 --> 00:59:38,218
No, Don Occhetti.
845
00:59:43,149 --> 00:59:50,100
So maybe this time, Salvatore can help me,
because I'm a little confused.
846
00:59:50,869 --> 00:59:54,305
This is the way I read the situation.
847
00:59:54,469 --> 00:59:58,223
- You're my lawyer, correct?
- Yes, Don Occhetti.
848
00:59:58,389 --> 01:00:03,782
Yet here I am looking at three
to four life sentences in the slammer,
849
01:00:03,949 --> 01:00:09,262
so why the hell don't you get
off your ass and bury this rap?
850
01:00:09,429 --> 01:00:14,378
- We have problems proving your innocence.
- Why?
851
01:00:14,549 --> 01:00:20,465
'Cause you're guilty. When I say
"guilty", what I mean is...
852
01:00:20,629 --> 01:00:24,668
- Guilty of what?!
- Kidnapping, drug-smuggling,
853
01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:28,344
accessory to three counts of murder.
Just gossip!
854
01:00:28,509 --> 01:00:34,186
Hmm... Maybe I made
a few mistakes in the past, you know?
855
01:00:34,349 --> 01:00:36,465
Nobody's perfect!
856
01:00:39,909 --> 01:00:44,619
You listen to me. When my father -
God bless that man's spirit -
857
01:00:46,549 --> 01:00:50,019
when he arrived on these shores
from Sicily in 1930,
858
01:00:50,189 --> 01:00:53,101
this was a land of democracy and law and order.
859
01:00:53,269 --> 01:00:58,627
Now, he fought to change all that,
but look at us now, huh?
860
01:00:59,789 --> 01:01:03,498
What have all his efforts amounted to, huh?
861
01:01:03,669 --> 01:01:07,708
Zilch, that's what. Zilcho!
862
01:01:09,469 --> 01:01:13,621
Salvatore, you call yourself
a lawyer? You're a schmuck!
863
01:01:16,189 --> 01:01:19,147
And that goes for you, too, Rico!
864
01:01:22,109 --> 01:01:27,342
If your mother was alive -
God bless her soul - she would disown you!
865
01:01:27,509 --> 01:01:29,261
Come on, Pop!
866
01:01:29,429 --> 01:01:35,345
I tell you this, Rico, I never thought I'd see
the day when a son of mine would stand back
867
01:01:35,509 --> 01:01:39,661
and watch his own father
spend the rest of his life in the state pen
868
01:01:39,829 --> 01:01:42,980
sharing meat loaf with the faggots!
869
01:01:43,149 --> 01:01:50,146
If I go down, all the families will carve up our
empire like dogs fighting over a weenie-roast.
870
01:01:50,309 --> 01:01:52,982
Every Marielito-punk from Little Havana
871
01:01:53,149 --> 01:01:56,107
will want a slice!
And what about the Colombian?
872
01:01:57,269 --> 01:02:01,228
- What Colombian?
- "What Colombian?" he says!
873
01:02:01,389 --> 01:02:05,428
- What, are you a jerk, Salvatore?
- Just sit down, will ya?
874
01:02:12,309 --> 01:02:18,987
Next week, Senor Vasquez arrives here
from Colombia to settle our little deal.
875
01:02:19,149 --> 01:02:23,461
What do you think he's gonna do
if he thinks I've gone down the tube?
876
01:02:25,709 --> 01:02:31,545
I'm getting very worried, Salvatore.
I'm getting very nervous about the future.
877
01:02:31,709 --> 01:02:33,108
(BURPS)
878
01:02:33,269 --> 01:02:36,181
Do you hear that? That's peptic gas.
879
01:02:36,349 --> 01:02:39,546
That's caused by nervous exhaustion!
880
01:02:41,749 --> 01:02:47,540
What happened to the ancient Sicilian traditions
of bribery, blackmail and intimidation?
881
01:02:50,949 --> 01:02:55,500
This isn't the police.
This is the FBI. We can't pay those guys off.
882
01:02:55,669 --> 01:02:58,058
The jury is locked in a guarded hotel,
883
01:02:58,229 --> 01:03:02,302
the witnesses got 24-hour protection.
We can't reach anybody!
884
01:03:02,469 --> 01:03:05,779
- Maybe I should do something, huh?
- You can't, Pop!
885
01:03:05,949 --> 01:03:09,100
The police surveillance team is watching you.
886
01:03:09,269 --> 01:03:13,308
They even got a TV camera crew
filming you for a documentary.
887
01:03:13,469 --> 01:03:17,257
They're filming me?
Am I a common criminal or something?
888
01:03:19,149 --> 01:03:23,301
Rico, take some money
from the family account and buy me the DA.
889
01:03:23,469 --> 01:03:28,259
You buy me the judge, you buy me
the senator. People owe me favours.
890
01:03:28,429 --> 01:03:32,468
- I want these favours returned!
- We've tried and had no takers.
891
01:03:32,629 --> 01:03:35,860
It looks like people
are turning their backs on you.
892
01:03:36,029 --> 01:03:41,467
That is a very impolite
and highly dangerous thing to do!
893
01:03:47,789 --> 01:03:50,349
This is what I want you to do.
894
01:03:50,509 --> 01:03:53,740
I want you to keep searching
and to keep thinking,
895
01:03:53,909 --> 01:03:59,700
because somewhere, somewhere out there
lies the answer to my problems!
896
01:04:06,389 --> 01:04:10,177
Look at the state of that!
You wouldn't go near that
897
01:04:10,349 --> 01:04:12,658
unless you had all your own teeth!
898
01:04:16,709 --> 01:04:20,258
They say that smoking's BAD for your chest (!)
899
01:04:20,429 --> 01:04:23,865
(TANNOY) Miami
has been nicknamed "Cocainesville",
900
01:04:24,029 --> 01:04:28,705
and the officers of Biscayne Bay
fight a year-round battle with drug runners.
901
01:04:31,349 --> 01:04:35,581
On your left is the home of Barry Gibb,
lead singer of the Bee Gees.
902
01:04:35,749 --> 01:04:41,062
- Rodders, look! There's a real live Bee Gee!
- 'Course it ain't!
903
01:04:41,229 --> 01:04:45,541
- He's probably the gardener!
- It's him! It's Barry Gibb!
904
01:04:45,709 --> 01:04:47,700
(DEL SHOUTS) All right, Bazza?
905
01:04:50,149 --> 01:04:53,619
- Shut up! That's not him!
- It is!
906
01:04:53,789 --> 01:04:57,987
(SHOUTS) How deep is your love,
is your love? How deep is your love?
907
01:04:59,149 --> 01:05:00,946
I need all this (!)
908
01:05:04,389 --> 01:05:07,028
I reckon you was right, Rodders. It weren't him.
909
01:05:07,189 --> 01:05:11,182
- Most probably the gardener.
- Yeah? What did I say?
910
01:05:22,749 --> 01:05:25,343
(DISCO MUSIC)
911
01:05:36,669 --> 01:05:39,183
Come on, Rodney, bellies in!
912
01:05:39,349 --> 01:05:44,582
I still think it would be better to drive
to the camper site now and book in first.
913
01:05:44,749 --> 01:05:49,823
It's only quarter to eight. There's plenty of time
to get to the old campsite!
914
01:05:49,989 --> 01:05:54,141
There's also plenty of time
for you to get drunk after we've booked in!
915
01:05:54,309 --> 01:05:59,827
Get drunk? You enjoy
putting me down, don't you?
916
01:05:59,989 --> 01:06:04,426
You think I'm just a one-dimensional
person. Well, you're wrong!
917
01:06:04,589 --> 01:06:08,343
The only reason I want to go
into that club is to phone Raquel,
918
01:06:08,509 --> 01:06:12,502
because I promised her
I would as soon as we arrived.
919
01:06:12,669 --> 01:06:16,139
What's wrong with the public
call box over there?
920
01:06:16,309 --> 01:06:18,823
You can't get a drink in there!
921
01:06:20,349 --> 01:06:24,342
- Come on!
- What shall we do with our luggage?
922
01:06:24,509 --> 01:06:28,502
Let's bring it with us and put it
in the middle of the dance floor
923
01:06:28,669 --> 01:06:32,139
and boogie round it
like them sorts at the Nag's Head
924
01:06:32,309 --> 01:06:35,062
when they have a disco with their handbags!
925
01:06:35,229 --> 01:06:37,220
No need to be sarky!
926
01:06:37,389 --> 01:06:40,620
What are you talking about, disco and boogie?
927
01:06:40,789 --> 01:06:42,780
Del, I am not boogie-ing!
928
01:06:42,949 --> 01:06:46,624
Keep your voice down!
We are ambassadors for our country!
929
01:06:46,789 --> 01:06:51,101
We don't want people thinking
we're lager louts! Excuse me. Mais oui!
930
01:06:51,869 --> 01:06:55,066
(DISCO MUSIC)
931
01:07:12,709 --> 01:07:16,987
Hey, Juan! Over here, Juan!
When you're ready, son.
932
01:07:17,149 --> 01:07:21,142
Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm sorry,
but this club is for members only.
933
01:07:21,309 --> 01:07:24,346
You what?
934
01:07:24,509 --> 01:07:27,262
Sorry, signore, I did not realise it was you!
935
01:07:27,429 --> 01:07:31,707
Please accept my deepest
and sincerest apologies!
936
01:07:31,869 --> 01:07:36,989
I am honoured that you should choose
to visit my humble nightclub.
937
01:07:37,149 --> 01:07:39,902
Please may I offer you a drink?
938
01:07:40,069 --> 01:07:42,060
Yeah, we'll have a Cuba Libre
939
01:07:42,229 --> 01:07:45,266
- and something non-alcoholic.
- Of course.
940
01:07:45,429 --> 01:07:50,503
- We'll be sitting over there.
- I will be with you immediately.
941
01:07:56,509 --> 01:08:00,548
(RICO) There's gonna be a war!
(SALVATORE) Maybe not.
942
01:08:00,709 --> 01:08:05,305
The only thing that can prevent it
is if you find an alibi for my father.
943
01:08:05,469 --> 01:08:08,302
I have to find your father nine alibis!
944
01:08:08,469 --> 01:08:11,267
How the hell am I supposed
to do that in a week?
945
01:08:11,429 --> 01:08:15,581
How can the Justice Department
do this? Don't they know who he is?
946
01:08:15,749 --> 01:08:20,220
- Yeah, that's the problem!
- When the jury foreman says "Guilty",
947
01:08:20,389 --> 01:08:22,027
the war begins.
948
01:08:22,189 --> 01:08:23,588
Maybe not.
949
01:08:23,749 --> 01:08:29,426
Do you think the rest of the families are gonna
pretend the old man is still in power?
950
01:08:29,589 --> 01:08:33,138
- They're gonna go to war! Am I right?
- You're right.
951
01:08:33,309 --> 01:08:34,662
- Tony?
- Right.
952
01:08:34,829 --> 01:08:36,581
- Am I right?
- Maybe not.
953
01:08:36,749 --> 01:08:38,546
You see?
954
01:08:39,749 --> 01:08:42,024
There's gonna be a war!
955
01:08:42,189 --> 01:08:45,898
- Signore Ricardo...
- Can't you see I'm in a meeting?
956
01:08:46,069 --> 01:08:48,105
I would like to explain.
957
01:08:48,269 --> 01:08:53,468
If I had know HE was coming tonight,
I would have arranged a private room.
958
01:08:53,629 --> 01:08:55,938
If you'd known who was coming here?
959
01:08:56,109 --> 01:08:58,020
Your father.
960
01:08:59,389 --> 01:09:03,064
- My father.
- (PAULY) Is this some kind of joke?
961
01:09:03,229 --> 01:09:07,586
Don Occhetti can't even get
to the john without the police tailing him.
962
01:09:07,749 --> 01:09:11,025
But he is here! See for yourself!
963
01:09:23,109 --> 01:09:25,862
Lovely jubbly! How much do we owe you?
964
01:09:26,029 --> 01:09:30,181
Please! It's on the house. You are my guests!
965
01:09:30,349 --> 01:09:35,548
- Would you like to eat?
- No, thanks. We had something earlier.
966
01:09:35,709 --> 01:09:41,625
If there's anything that you should require,
as always, I am at your service!
967
01:09:41,869 --> 01:09:43,860
Big mouth!
968
01:09:44,029 --> 01:09:47,146
The grub would most probably be free an' all!
969
01:09:47,309 --> 01:09:48,901
'Course it wouldn't!
970
01:09:49,669 --> 01:09:52,661
Do you know what we're dealing with here?
971
01:09:52,829 --> 01:09:56,663
- What?
- American hospitality! They're famous for it!
972
01:09:56,829 --> 01:10:00,105
The most friendliest people in the entire world!
973
01:10:00,269 --> 01:10:04,023
Come on! Come on! Yo, Gino, it's Tony.
974
01:10:04,189 --> 01:10:07,898
Is the Don there? He's in the pool.
975
01:10:10,229 --> 01:10:12,220
Can you actually see him?
976
01:10:14,109 --> 01:10:16,065
Good! Dad's at home.
977
01:10:16,229 --> 01:10:18,618
The guy over there ain't him!
978
01:10:21,309 --> 01:10:26,667
Listen carefully. Tell my father
to stay in his room till I get back tonight.
979
01:10:26,829 --> 01:10:31,345
Just... tell him I may have a surprise for him.
980
01:10:41,909 --> 01:10:44,264
Tell you what...
981
01:10:44,429 --> 01:10:48,661
- I'm boilin'!
- That's strange, that.
982
01:10:48,829 --> 01:10:54,028
Here you are in a tropical climate,
wearing a worsted polyester blue serge suit,
983
01:10:54,189 --> 01:10:56,180
- and you feel hot?
- Yeah.
984
01:10:56,349 --> 01:10:59,546
Weird!
985
01:10:59,709 --> 01:11:01,540
Hi!
986
01:11:01,709 --> 01:11:03,427
How you guys doing?
987
01:11:04,589 --> 01:11:09,105
All right. Yeah - great time.
Smashing, thank you.
988
01:11:09,269 --> 01:11:13,057
Good. Let me guess. You're not local people.
989
01:11:13,229 --> 01:11:15,823
(RODNEY) No.
990
01:11:36,309 --> 01:11:38,425
(LAUGHTER)
991
01:11:41,589 --> 01:11:43,227
(INDISTINCT)
992
01:11:43,389 --> 01:11:46,461
Come on, one more. One more.
993
01:11:46,629 --> 01:11:49,621
No, really. We're pushing our luck as it is.
994
01:11:49,789 --> 01:11:51,268
No, he's right, Rico.
995
01:11:51,429 --> 01:11:53,863
- Come on!
- You've got time for one more.
996
01:11:54,029 --> 01:11:57,499
- Go on, then, one for the road.
- No, Del. Come on, mate.
997
01:11:57,669 --> 01:12:01,378
The campsite will be shut
and we'll be locked out.
998
01:12:01,549 --> 01:12:05,827
I didn't realise it was so late.
We've got to be going.
999
01:12:05,989 --> 01:12:09,823
Well, Rodney... Del Boy!
1000
01:12:09,989 --> 01:12:12,025
Rico!
1001
01:12:12,189 --> 01:12:16,068
Thanks very much! It's been
really great meeting you guys!
1002
01:12:16,229 --> 01:12:20,825
Thanks a lot, and we enjoyed
your company and everything.
1003
01:12:20,989 --> 01:12:25,505
We've got to go.
See you later, yeah? Thanks a lot.
1004
01:12:25,555 --> 01:12:30,105
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