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1
00:01:10,382 --> 00:01:14,480
Ah, you made it Rodders, good!
Well done my son.
2
00:01:15,989 --> 00:01:21,145
You've got a bloody nerve you have Del, phoning me up
at home and demanding I come down here and pick you up!
3
00:01:21,704 --> 00:01:26,888
What could I do Rodney? What -
what could I - listen, look
4
00:01:27,150 --> 00:01:30,933
I've got the Vauxhall Velox outside haven't I, eh, and
I've had a few, you know what I mean,
5
00:01:31,082 --> 00:01:33,446
a few drinky poos and
I thought to myself, what,
6
00:01:33,623 --> 00:01:36,978
I could get a little old mini-
cab and then I thought to myself no, no, no,
7
00:01:37,157 --> 00:01:38,788
what is more impressive
8
00:01:38,961 --> 00:01:41,874
is more impressive is if you get your
driver to come round
9
00:01:42,012 --> 00:01:46,990
and drive you home in your
Vauxhall Volox - Vauxhall Velox!
10
00:01:47,134 --> 00:01:49,481
What do you mean impressive,
eh? Who are you trying to impress?
11
00:01:50,837 --> 00:02:00,904
A contact Rodney! Contact. New man in the area -
stone rich, looking for 'business opportunities'.
12
00:02:01,684 --> 00:02:04,682
We could earn out of this Rodders
my little brother!
13
00:02:04,847 --> 00:02:09,465
Del, what you failed to realise is when you phoned
I was in the flat with a friend!
14
00:02:10,241 --> 00:02:12,755
- Well why didn't you bring him with you?
- It wasn't a he!
15
00:02:13,275 --> 00:02:18,608
Well, what is it then? Have you
been up to naughties Rodney?
16
00:02:18,822 --> 00:02:22,278
No. I just had a feeling something
was going to develop!
17
00:02:22,415 --> 00:02:24,917
Develop! You've been playing
with my Polaroid again haven't you, eh?
18
00:02:25,095 --> 00:02:26,291
No!
19
00:02:27,978 --> 00:02:32,329
- I'll just collect my coat Derek!
- Alright. No rush Vammil me old mucker!
20
00:02:32,939 --> 00:02:40,409
- Who?
- Vimmal...Vimmal Malik...my contact! Say no more!
21
00:02:45,084 --> 00:02:49,023
So he said 'She can't come now
'cos she's weighing the postman.'
22
00:02:51,182 --> 00:02:55,910
'ere, d'you fancy a nightcap Vimmal?
I know a nice little pub that does late tasting, eh.
23
00:02:59,563 --> 00:03:02,283
Thought you'd given me the slip
did you Vimmal?
24
00:03:02,789 --> 00:03:05,295
Why don't you go away and leave
me alone!
25
00:03:07,711 --> 00:03:13,636
I have no quarrel with you my friend.
It's this pig's behind Malik that I wish to see!
26
00:03:14,964 --> 00:03:18,777
- Friend of yours is he Vimmal?
- He's no ones friend.
27
00:03:20,090 --> 00:03:24,266
Listen John, I don't know what this barney's all about
and I don't want to know!
28
00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:29,427
So why don't you chaps get out of the
way before someone gets a smack in the ear! Right!
29
00:03:30,041 --> 00:03:38,403
Please, do not threaten me with violence my friend. My
colleague here is a second Dan in karate!
30
00:03:39,913 --> 00:03:45,916
And I'm a black belt in
origami, now get out of my way!
31
00:04:01,823 --> 00:04:04,089
Watch him Del, watch his kari tari, mate.
32
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:07,223
I'll watch your bloody kari
tari in a minute Rodney, just shut up will you!
33
00:04:12,506 --> 00:04:13,947
Police!
34
00:04:21,184 --> 00:04:24,034
- Rodney! You and Vimmal in the car quickly!
- Right, let's go!
35
00:04:26,177 --> 00:04:31,436
Well it's been very pleasant
meeting you both. Have a nice evening won't you.
36
00:04:31,685 --> 00:04:38,627
My friend! It's not good to
part in such circumstances. Could we talk?
37
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:44,480
I've done all the talking I
wanted to. Goodnight each.
38
00:04:48,471 --> 00:04:53,378
Rodney! I didn't mean drive
off! What a plonker!
39
00:04:57,437 --> 00:05:04,686
Well, on second thoughts I quite fancy a nice little
chat! Perhaps you could drop me off home after?
40
00:05:07,154 --> 00:05:15,774
Oh, oh dear, come on me old mate, come on.
No, you'll be alright. Here, what happened?
41
00:05:26,794 --> 00:05:29,504
Ah John, that is twice, right?
42
00:05:33,213 --> 00:05:36,088
I think your brother has now
arrived Mr Trotter.
43
00:05:37,194 --> 00:05:41,641
Ah, yeah, could you excuse me a minute Mr Ram.
Excuse me. Rodney!
44
00:05:42,061 --> 00:05:44,724
Del - are you alright son?
I thought you was in bother!
45
00:05:44,893 --> 00:05:49,167
Oh, that's why it's taken you an hour an' half to get here
is it? Didn't Grandad tell you that I phoned?
46
00:05:49,329 --> 00:05:52,749
Oh yeah, he told me! 'Del Boy's
been captured by the Indians' he said.
47
00:05:53,081 --> 00:05:55,753
I didn't know whether to
phone the police of the Texas Rangers!
48
00:05:56,315 --> 00:05:59,478
If you were so worried at your
brother, you know, you were so worried about me,
49
00:05:59,667 --> 00:06:02,664
how come it's taken you till twenty to
one in the morning to come to me rescue?
50
00:06:02,832 --> 00:06:05,464
Because your telephone message
lacked something in clarity, didn't it?
51
00:06:05,636 --> 00:06:08,393
You didn't tell
Grandad which Indian restaurant you was in!
52
00:06:08,609 --> 00:06:11,333
I've been crashing through the doors of every
curry house and take-away
53
00:06:11,507 --> 00:06:14,520
from Battersea Bridge to Colliers
Wood tube station!
54
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,357
I can now leap out of the Vauxhall Velox,
Dukes of Hazzard fashion,
55
00:06:17,524 --> 00:06:19,989
make a chapati and say get stuffed in Urdu!
56
00:06:21,065 --> 00:06:23,073
- I forgive you, Rodney.
- Oh that's nice.
57
00:06:23,421 --> 00:06:25,593
- Alright then.
- So there's gonna be trouble is there?
58
00:06:25,799 --> 00:06:29,760
- No, no, put that spoon down.
- Thank God for that!
59
00:06:30,794 --> 00:06:36,868
Right, come on. Rodney I would
like you to meet Mr Ram, he owns this restaurant.
60
00:06:37,244 --> 00:06:38,946
Of course you know Oddjob
don't you!
61
00:06:40,485 --> 00:06:44,501
Well - nice restaurant you've
got here, Mr Ram...Very...er...Very...
62
00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:46,799
- Indian.
- Yeah, Indian!
63
00:06:46,963 --> 00:06:48,625
- Thank you.
- Sit down, sit down.
64
00:06:48,821 --> 00:06:52,106
I was just telling your brother
how well I've done since I came to Britain.
65
00:06:52,668 --> 00:06:57,459
I now own 18 of these restaurants all
together. I also own a lot of land.
66
00:06:57,807 --> 00:07:00,616
Yeah, yeah, Oddjob's got a
couple of acres and all hasn't he?
67
00:07:08,291 --> 00:07:12,612
I am telling you now if I got
into my car at nine o' clock in the morning,
68
00:07:12,878 --> 00:07:16,637
it would take me up till two in the
afternoon to drive around my land.
69
00:07:17,071 --> 00:07:19,007
Yeah, we had a car like that
once eh?
70
00:07:19,998 --> 00:07:22,026
- What?
- Don't matter.
71
00:07:22,418 --> 00:07:26,718
So Mr Ram you and this, Vimmal, you've been having a
bit of an up and downer then have you?
72
00:07:26,976 --> 00:07:30,714
Don't mention that name at
this table. It will sour the food.
73
00:07:30,877 --> 00:07:32,219
What's it all about then?
74
00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:37,857
I'll tell you what it's all about Mr Trotter. It's about
truth - it's about righteousness,
75
00:07:38,017 --> 00:07:47,716
but above all it's about justice! Vimmal that
pig's behind, has something that's rightfully mine!
76
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:53,090
You see our families have been engaged
in a vendetta for many, many years.
77
00:07:53,278 --> 00:07:56,020
It goes right back to
the days of the Old Empire.
78
00:07:56,306 --> 00:07:58,527
He means the British Empire
not the Kilburn!
79
00:07:59,177 --> 00:08:01,770
I know that! I know that -
pray continue.
80
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:08,838
Now my family fought against
the British whereas the Maliks family supported them!
81
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:13,996
When the conquest of Mother India was
finally complete the British Raj
82
00:08:14,187 --> 00:08:20,135
decided to reward the
Maliks' loyalty by giving them my family's land!
83
00:08:20,449 --> 00:08:22,554
What, you mean they just took
it off your family?
84
00:08:22,791 --> 00:08:29,366
That's correct. They destroyed the home, they plundered
the family's temple and then they sold the land.
85
00:08:30,498 --> 00:08:33,684
The Maliks have
built a business empire with the proceeds.
86
00:08:34,312 --> 00:08:36,499
Here, couldn't you write to
That's Life?
87
00:08:37,804 --> 00:08:39,662
- That's Life!
- Yeah.
88
00:08:39,866 --> 00:08:45,146
But this happened a century ago Mr Trotter!
If Lord Krishna himself couldn't help us
89
00:08:45,346 --> 00:08:48,648
I really don't think Esther
Rantzen would stand much chance!
90
00:08:48,939 --> 00:08:50,632
No, no, that was just a thought.
Oh - get off!
91
00:08:51,467 --> 00:08:58,122
Vimmal Malik has in his possession the one,
single item that remains of my birthright.
92
00:08:59,463 --> 00:09:04,832
It's a simple porcelain
statuette of Kuvera. You know of Kuvera?
93
00:09:05,132 --> 00:09:10,878
- Oh yeah.
- You don't know who Kuvera is!
94
00:09:11,579 --> 00:09:14,566
- Yes I do!
- Alright tell us!
95
00:09:16,241 --> 00:09:19,058
- What?
- Who is he?
96
00:09:19,819 --> 00:09:22,130
- Who?
- Kuvera!
97
00:09:22,505 --> 00:09:27,061
Em...Well er...He was, alright
I don't know!
98
00:09:27,261 --> 00:09:31,500
There you are, see what I mean Mr Ram? He's got two 'O'
Levels and he thinks he's Bamber Cascoigne's vest!
99
00:09:31,796 --> 00:09:34,112
Alright Mastermind, who is he then?
100
00:09:35,046 --> 00:09:39,626
Kuvera was one of India's
premier wicket-keepers.
101
00:09:41,208 --> 00:09:42,474
You berk!
102
00:09:42,744 --> 00:09:48,408
Kuvera is the Hindu god of wealth, from the
second aspect of the Trimurti - the Hindu Trinity!
103
00:09:48,641 --> 00:09:52,840
Oh yeah, oh that Kuvera? Oh yeah, gotcha now,
there was two of them see.
104
00:09:53,032 --> 00:10:00,556
In worldly terms the statuette is off little value, but in
religious and sentimental terms it's precious to me...
105
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:05,808
and I want it back, it's mine
by right! I'm a rich man Mr Trotter,
106
00:10:06,074 --> 00:10:10,548
I shouldn't have to stoop to the kind of
intimidation you witnessed tonight.
107
00:10:11,210 --> 00:10:16,901
I'm prepared to buy it back from Vimmal Malik.
I would pay four thousand pounds!
108
00:10:21,407 --> 00:10:26,750
Four - four - four thousand pounds.
Well, why don't you just go and make him an offer?
109
00:10:26,940 --> 00:10:33,614
Oh it's impossible! It's this wretched cast-system you see.
He belongs to the high ceste and I belong to the low caste.
110
00:10:33,957 --> 00:10:35,217
Oh no, don't put yourself down.
111
00:10:35,342 --> 00:10:43,021
We cannot meet, talk or communicate in any manner! So
you see my friends I am up a gum-tree without a paddle!
112
00:10:44,309 --> 00:10:47,244
It seems to me Mr Ram what you
need is a mutual friend, you know.
113
00:10:47,456 --> 00:10:50,096
Someone who can talk to the both of you,
you know act as a sort of go-between!
114
00:10:50,979 --> 00:10:53,708
Perhaps you and your brother!
115
00:10:54,099 --> 00:11:01,811
What us? I suppose we could, I
mean, cor, why didn't we think of that Rodney?
116
00:11:02,042 --> 00:11:04,227
I think one of us already did
Del!
117
00:11:04,641 --> 00:11:10,215
If you help me to reclaim the
statuette, I don't know how I'd ever reward you!
118
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:14,796
Well I've always fancied one
of those video recorders. But no, no, pas de Basque.
119
00:11:15,202 --> 00:11:22,883
Pas de Basque. We'll go and see this
Mr Vimmal tomorrow. Um, four grand, right?
120
00:11:23,071 --> 00:11:30,896
Right. Oh, but I must make one
thing quite clear. I don't trust this man Malik,
121
00:11:31,146 --> 00:11:34,156
you see
he comes from a long line of swindlers!
122
00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:41,540
I won't part with a single penny until I have
the statuette safely in my hands!
123
00:11:42,439 --> 00:11:46,732
Don't you worry, don't worry
Mr Ram, me and Vimmal we're like that!
124
00:11:48,006 --> 00:11:50,767
Good job that we didn't call
the police tonight.
125
00:11:54,424 --> 00:11:56,511
Oh, what happened?
126
00:11:58,214 --> 00:12:03,385
I'm surprised at you Derek, and you also Rodney!
How could you share a meal with that...
127
00:12:03,842 --> 00:12:06,610
...with that gutter dog?
I thought you were my friends?
128
00:12:06,823 --> 00:12:11,328
We are your friends Vimmal me
old mucker! Just trust me will you, trust me!
129
00:12:12,221 --> 00:12:19,299
You see this Mr Ram - the gutter dog - told us
about the little misunderstanding
130
00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:22,927
that your two families
have been having for the last 100 years or so!
131
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:27,745
He also mentioned something about the
statue of some god or another.
132
00:12:28,228 --> 00:12:29,962
Of Kuvera, the god of wealth!
133
00:12:30,197 --> 00:12:34,053
Ah, that's him - that's the
boy! Yeah well, yeah, well you know.
134
00:12:36,352 --> 00:12:38,852
Well without beating about the bush,
135
00:12:43,155 --> 00:12:46,485
I mean to cut a long story short,
136
00:12:47,589 --> 00:12:50,827
well not to put too fine a point on it...
137
00:12:51,073 --> 00:12:52,716
He wants to buy it off you!
138
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:03,813
Buy it from me! He must have gone mad or
he's been eating too many of his own curries!
139
00:13:04,086 --> 00:13:08,355
Buy it from me indeed! I wouldn't sell it to him if he
offered me a million pounds!
140
00:13:09,782 --> 00:13:12,779
How much did he offer? Purely
out of curiosity you understand.
141
00:13:12,982 --> 00:13:16,048
- Er, two grand!
- Two grand! I thought Mr Ram said...
142
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:19,821
Yeah, a grand, that is right
Rodney but I persuaded him to double it!
143
00:13:19,983 --> 00:13:23,203
Two grand! No, no, no, I cannot
sell it to him.
144
00:13:23,589 --> 00:13:28,332
Two grand Vimmal me old mucker.
You know it's not to be sneezed at, is it, eh?
145
00:13:29,004 --> 00:13:33,909
I will not deny that I'm tempted Derek. I thought of
selling the statuette once before.
146
00:13:34,102 --> 00:13:36,957
The most I was offered
was a hundred and fifty pounds!
147
00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:43,503
Now look Vimmal, you see, I get the impression
that you're not quite as rich and successful ...
148
00:13:43,777 --> 00:13:46,897
as you told me you were
last night at the chamber of trade bash.
149
00:13:47,183 --> 00:13:50,497
I mean, take a look at this place,
it's hardly the Ritz is it, eh?
150
00:13:51,558 --> 00:13:53,437
More like the Nits!
151
00:13:54,231 --> 00:13:58,298
I will admit I have suffered
some misfortunes in my business dealings of late.
152
00:13:58,792 --> 00:14:01,511
So two grand on the hip would
come in dead handy, eh?
153
00:14:02,336 --> 00:14:05,619
Two grand would come in handy
as you say!
154
00:14:05,972 --> 00:14:10,244
But I cannot communicate with him, I'm of a
high caste, he's a low caste!
155
00:14:10,426 --> 00:14:13,133
But you don't have to communicate
with him Vimmal me old mucker.
156
00:14:13,316 --> 00:14:16,828
That's where me and Rodders come in.
You see we're acting as the go-betweens!
157
00:14:17,262 --> 00:14:22,608
Even so I cannot accept this offer.
You see it would be like betraying my family.
158
00:14:22,924 --> 00:14:27,360
The statuette was left to me by my father! You wouldn't
understand what that means would you?
159
00:14:27,519 --> 00:14:30,517
- Oh yes, yes we would, wouldn't we Rodney?
- Would we Del?
160
00:14:31,399 --> 00:14:43,678
Our - late mother - well she's dead now - she left us
this family heirloom. It was this Victorian globe.
161
00:14:44,141 --> 00:14:45,601
It meant the world to us.
162
00:14:48,332 --> 00:14:54,548
As he said it meant the world to us. Yeah but there
came the time when we fell upon stony ground.
163
00:14:54,690 --> 00:14:57,168
- We fell upon stony ground did we?
- Yes, we fell upon stony ground.
164
00:14:57,374 --> 00:15:03,184
And the only thing we had of any value was -
was this Victorian globe which we cherished!
165
00:15:03,615 --> 00:15:07,349
- You sold it?
- Well, no, I raffled it down the betting shop!
166
00:15:07,511 --> 00:15:09,428
But, of course, you understand
the sense of loss?
167
00:15:09,614 --> 00:15:13,605
Well not really, no, because by some stroke of fortune
Del had the winning ticket!
168
00:15:16,234 --> 00:15:20,277
- I think it was God...or something!
- You think I should sell it to him Derek?
169
00:15:20,466 --> 00:15:27,219
Yes, of course I do Vimmal me old mucker. I mean,
it's just an ancient piece of old religious pottery!
170
00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:33,563
And with two grand wisely invested. I
mean in a couple of years you could replace it with...
171
00:15:34,595 --> 00:15:37,269
...who knows what, a Capo Del Monte!
172
00:15:38,448 --> 00:15:44,591
And personally, anyway, I'm not - I'm sorry I've got to
tell you this but I think that statue is cursed!
173
00:15:44,874 --> 00:15:47,348
- Cursed?
- Oh leave it out Del!
174
00:15:47,684 --> 00:15:49,841
Do not underestimate the powers
of darkness Rodney.
175
00:15:50,312 --> 00:15:53,328
I mean for a god of wealth he ain't done
Vimmal no favours has he, eh?
176
00:15:54,517 --> 00:15:58,649
I'm not a superstitious man
Derek but I'm a business man and a realist...
177
00:15:59,079 --> 00:16:01,105
I have decided
to accept his offer!
178
00:16:01,967 --> 00:16:04,492
Well, you know it makes sense Vimmal!
179
00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:11,851
- Now just what's your...
180
00:16:12,178 --> 00:16:14,412
- Do excuse me, won't you.
- Oh certainly, yes.
181
00:16:15,601 --> 00:16:19,589
Now just what is your game Del? Ram offered four grand,
how come you're only offering two?
182
00:16:19,786 --> 00:16:20,923
Slip of the tongue, Rodney.
183
00:16:21,184 --> 00:16:23,427
Oh so when he comes back you
won't mind me telling him the truth?
184
00:16:23,619 --> 00:16:26,702
No, don't you do that or otherwise
he'll think I'm trying to con him.
185
00:16:26,863 --> 00:16:30,031
- You are trying to con him!
- No man is an island, Rodney.
186
00:16:30,204 --> 00:16:34,731
I know that Del. What I'm on
about is the - what's that supposed to mean?
187
00:16:35,103 --> 00:16:41,163
What it means - what it - look the French have a saying,
Rodney. Bouillabaisse mon ami.
188
00:16:41,455 --> 00:16:46,019
Bouillabaisse mon ami? That
means fish stew, my friend!
189
00:16:47,203 --> 00:16:48,604
Need I say more.
190
00:16:48,795 --> 00:16:51,354
Now don't try an' fob me off
with your stupid French phrases.
191
00:16:51,499 --> 00:16:54,741
You're trying to con him out of two thousand
quid...We're going to get lumbered, Del
192
00:16:54,916 --> 00:16:55,468
How?
193
00:16:56,274 --> 00:16:59,229
Alright, say Ram and Vimmal
meet and discuss the deal?
194
00:16:59,388 --> 00:17:03,691
That's the beauty of it, Ram and Vimmal
cannot meet because of the wonderful caste system.
195
00:17:03,862 --> 00:17:06,061
It's Christmas come early for us.
196
00:17:06,219 --> 00:17:09,754
And anyway if it wasn't for kind-hearted people like you
and me willing to act as go-betweens,
197
00:17:09,923 --> 00:17:11,745
Vimmal would end up with nothing.
198
00:17:11,911 --> 00:17:15,533
And as it is two grand is better than a kick up
the bot from Bobby Charlton innit, eh?
199
00:17:15,975 --> 00:17:18,013
- It's immoral.
- It's free enterprise.
200
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,530
- It's illegal then.
- Alright so it's against the law, and all.
201
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:25,399
But look, you and
I can earn a grand a piece out of this.
202
00:17:25,572 --> 00:17:27,484
- It's fraud.
- Are you in?
203
00:17:27,766 --> 00:17:29,391
Yeah, all right.
204
00:17:37,588 --> 00:17:46,416
This is it is it Vimmal my old mucker?
Oh, that is lovely that - wonderful workmanship.
205
00:17:46,887 --> 00:17:52,170
Of course I'm a Ming fan myself, you know. Oh yeah, he
made some wonderful stuff didn't he that Ming, yeah.
206
00:17:52,477 --> 00:17:56,164
- Pity he went and died hen he did weren't it, eh?
- Ming was a dynasty, Derek!
207
00:17:56,444 --> 00:17:59,164
I don't care what he was
Vimmal, he made a smashing vase.
208
00:17:59,937 --> 00:18:04,959
Anyway, look we'll pop this round to Mr Ram and
bring you back your two grand post haste
209
00:18:05,266 --> 00:18:07,392
as they say in
Ancient Rome, alright?
210
00:18:07,602 --> 00:18:12,134
No, no, no, Derek. This does not leave my sight
until his money is on the table.
211
00:18:12,443 --> 00:18:16,555
Ah? No, no, sorry,
look you don't understand, you see.
212
00:18:16,908 --> 00:18:22,658
'Cos he said that you won't get a penny until he has
the statuette safely in his hands. Alright.
213
00:18:22,857 --> 00:18:27,881
I don't care what he said Derek, I do not trust the man -
he comes from a long line of cheats.
214
00:18:28,163 --> 00:18:32,186
You bring me his money
first then you can take him the statue.
215
00:18:33,094 --> 00:18:40,209
No but you see - you see he said - he said bring
the statue and then - the you can have the money.
216
00:18:40,465 --> 00:18:43,238
- I don't care what he said, Derek.
- He don't care what he said, Derek.
217
00:18:43,416 --> 00:18:46,993
Yes I heard what he said. I'll
leave Rodney as a deposit.
218
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,473
Well what else can I do?
219
00:18:50,659 --> 00:18:54,216
I mean look he won't let that go till he gets
the money and he won't have the money till he gets that.
220
00:18:54,580 --> 00:19:01,867
Oh Gordon Bennett - this is classic this is, isn't it,
eh? It's the bacon and egg situation all over again.
221
00:19:02,035 --> 00:19:05,065
- It's the chicken and egg Del.
- We haven't got time to discuss food Rodney.
222
00:19:05,392 --> 00:19:08,770
Talk to him, Derek. Persuade
him to submit to my terms.
223
00:19:09,042 --> 00:19:11,140
After all you have influence over him,
224
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:15,915
you have already persuaded him to double
his offer from a grand to two grand.
225
00:19:16,079 --> 00:19:21,531
Yeah, well alright. Right Vim, I'll see
what I can do then shall I, yeah?
226
00:19:24,357 --> 00:19:29,032
I'll get back to you.
Alright. You know you er, right, stay loose.
227
00:19:31,158 --> 00:19:38,655
Okay and don't you worry Vimmal. I mean me
and old Ram, we're like that, we're like, yeah.
228
00:19:39,525 --> 00:19:41,522
Thanks. Come on.
229
00:19:44,024 --> 00:19:46,394
- What are we gonna do now?
- Just forget the whole thing Del.
230
00:19:46,547 --> 00:19:48,728
What do you mean forget the whole thing.
How can we forget the whole thing?
231
00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:53,142
Two grand up for grabs and you say forget it.
No, no, there's got to be another way round it.
232
00:19:53,332 --> 00:19:56,335
There isn't. Look, Ram won't pay a penny
until he's got the statuette in his hands
233
00:19:56,524 --> 00:19:59,436
and Vimmal won't let the statuette
go till he's got Ram's money.
234
00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:04,424
Yeah cheers. Yeah, what he
thinks is Ram's money.
235
00:20:05,429 --> 00:20:07,089
What you on about now?
236
00:20:07,286 --> 00:20:13,910
Well let's say, just for instance, that we had 2000 pounds
lying around at home doing nothing in particular.
237
00:20:14,249 --> 00:20:15,368
Just mooching about.
238
00:20:15,564 --> 00:20:17,458
Yeah, you know, kicking its
heels, that sort of thing.
239
00:20:17,653 --> 00:20:21,511
And let's say that we - we gave
Vimmal that 2000 pounds right
240
00:20:21,661 --> 00:20:25,280
and we pretend that we'd just
collected from Mr Ram.
241
00:20:25,427 --> 00:20:27,448
Well Vimmal, he wouldn't know any
better, would he, eh?
242
00:20:27,617 --> 00:20:31,319
So thinking that he'd won the
battle and, and as happy as a sand boy,
243
00:20:31,470 --> 00:20:36,497
he'd hand over the statuette which
we would then whip round to Mr Ram
244
00:20:36,665 --> 00:20:42,164
who was also thinking that he'd won
the battle, and being equally chuffed as a sand boy,
245
00:20:42,362 --> 00:20:47,798
would hand over to us
4,000 lovely smackeroonyos.
246
00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:54,035
We would get on our bike leaving them to play
sandcastles. Brilliant innit, eh?
247
00:20:55,207 --> 00:20:58,583
Yeah, there's only one problem
I can see Del. How the hell do we get 2000 pounds?
248
00:21:00,774 --> 00:21:04,615
You always bring little details
up don't you, eh? We get it from a bank.
249
00:21:04,815 --> 00:21:06,754
- What rob it?
- Well, that's a...
250
00:21:07,436 --> 00:21:10,622
No, no, no, we'll borrow it
from a bank. This is gilt-edge security innit?
251
00:21:10,958 --> 00:21:15,068
Del, you can't stroll into a bank
and ask for a loan to help you pull off a con-trick.
252
00:21:15,260 --> 00:21:17,348
Besides, we haven't got a bank
account.
253
00:21:18,019 --> 00:21:20,277
Oh well there's got to be
another way of raising the money.
254
00:21:20,463 --> 00:21:22,208
I mean there's just got to be.
255
00:21:24,866 --> 00:21:27,304
Here, we're general traders aren't we?
256
00:21:27,478 --> 00:21:30,233
Well why don't we start
trading generally.
257
00:21:30,403 --> 00:21:33,910
I mean we could flog all our stock that
we've got in the garage, couldn't we?
258
00:21:34,055 --> 00:21:36,150
We could sell the
deep-freeze, the Vauxhall Velox.
259
00:21:36,343 --> 00:21:37,305
Three-wheeled van?
260
00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:39,740
You're jesting, they'd want a
tenner to take that away.
261
00:21:40,052 --> 00:21:44,966
No we could flog Grandad's telly, we
could flog - 'ere my jewellery,
262
00:21:45,216 --> 00:21:47,229
that would bring in enough, I
mean it's 27 carat.
263
00:21:47,946 --> 00:21:49,272
I thought it was nine carat!
264
00:21:49,421 --> 00:21:54,329
That was when I was buying,
now I'm selling! We could sell that leather coat.
265
00:21:54,671 --> 00:21:56,346
You're not talking about my
leather coat are you?
266
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:58,250
No, no, I'm talking about -
have you got a leather coat?
267
00:21:58,386 --> 00:22:00,650
Oh we'll knock that one out
and all Rodney, yeah that's a good idea.
268
00:22:00,850 --> 00:22:03,230
Come on Del, we'll never raise
two grand.
269
00:22:03,404 --> 00:22:06,717
We can, Rodney...You can do anything
if you want it hard enough.
270
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:10,474
We can do it Rodney, we can do it!
271
00:22:11,085 --> 00:22:13,639
- Yeah, yeah.
- Come on then.
272
00:23:29,081 --> 00:23:33,298
Well, thanks a lot, it's tempus
fugit then, eh?
273
00:23:33,625 --> 00:23:35,417
Where's your watch, Derek?
274
00:23:35,747 --> 00:23:39,723
My watch. Oh, it's at the menders, I broke it
last night playing you know, volleyball.
275
00:23:40,050 --> 00:23:44,150
- I thought you were right-handed!
- Me - no, no, no, no, I'm ambiguous.
276
00:24:20,172 --> 00:24:22,647
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
A table for two?
277
00:24:23,198 --> 00:24:24,955
- No thank you.
- No thank you?
278
00:24:25,138 --> 00:24:27,399
- We'd like to see Mr Ram.
- Mr Ram?
279
00:24:27,579 --> 00:24:28,897
- The owner.
- The owner?
280
00:24:29,056 --> 00:24:34,564
Terrible echo in here ain't there, eh?
Yeah we'd like to speak to the owner Mr Ram!
281
00:24:34,719 --> 00:24:35,987
The owner, Mr Ram?
282
00:24:36,142 --> 00:24:37,651
There it goes again. What is the matter with it.
283
00:24:38,022 --> 00:24:44,254
Now listen, listen, we would like to talk
to the proprietor of this restaurant.
284
00:24:44,737 --> 00:24:47,234
I am the proprietor of this
restaurant.
285
00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:48,727
- No, no, he don't understand.
- What's he on about?
286
00:24:48,915 --> 00:24:53,980
- We want to see the real owner, right.
- I am the real owner.
287
00:24:54,307 --> 00:25:02,400
Alright, alright - listen - just wait. Just watch
my lips alright. Where is Mr Ram?
288
00:25:02,705 --> 00:25:04,492
Look, I don't know any Mr
bloody Rams.
289
00:25:04,662 --> 00:25:08,065
So will you please leave. You drunks
always come here causing trouble.
290
00:25:08,275 --> 00:25:09,851
Trouble! We're not drunks are we?
291
00:25:10,066 --> 00:25:13,962
Look, I was having a couple of meals here
quite recently, you must remember me!
292
00:25:14,670 --> 00:25:17,025
I am sorry, you all look alike to me.
293
00:25:19,369 --> 00:25:22,031
Alike, what's he talking about
we all look alike. What's the matter with him?
294
00:25:22,314 --> 00:25:25,625
He don't...no...he's making it up.
Look! Look, look my brother, right?
295
00:25:25,758 --> 00:25:26,382
That's me.
296
00:25:26,562 --> 00:25:30,755
Was in here dining with a couple
of Indian gentlemen. Right?
297
00:25:30,972 --> 00:25:38,976
One was sort of large - large and aggressive. Right?
Big, and the other one - smaller. How small?
298
00:25:39,136 --> 00:25:41,264
Well he's smaller than that
weren't he - get down there.
299
00:25:41,547 --> 00:25:45,681
About that big and more
business-like and he had a beard - beard!
300
00:25:46,334 --> 00:25:47,766
He had a beard
about that big.
301
00:25:47,944 --> 00:25:49,791
- Oh, that Mr Ram!
- Yes.
302
00:25:49,981 --> 00:25:52,861
- I know who you are talking about now.
- At last.
303
00:25:53,249 --> 00:25:56,091
He's the one who gave me a
bouncy cheque.
304
00:25:56,810 --> 00:26:00,149
A short while ago I went to the address
which is written on the back.
305
00:26:00,333 --> 00:26:03,606
He scarpered owing three weeks rent.
306
00:26:06,637 --> 00:26:10,148
No, no, there must be a mistake!
It's got to be a mistake.
307
00:26:10,308 --> 00:26:14,048
I mean he told me he owned this restaurant.
He told me he owned 18 of them in fact.
308
00:26:14,232 --> 00:26:16,184
Maybe he was fibbing!
309
00:26:17,180 --> 00:26:25,713
Fibbing! Maybe he was fibbing. I've just given him
2000 pounds for this on the strength of his 'fibbing'.
310
00:26:26,304 --> 00:26:28,563
2000 pounds, but why?
311
00:26:29,075 --> 00:26:32,572
You can get them in Portobello
Road for seventeen pounds each!
312
00:26:36,292 --> 00:26:38,975
It's amazing what you can save
if you shop around.
313
00:26:42,797 --> 00:26:45,458
I've got a nose-bleed coming
Rodney!
314
00:26:48,820 --> 00:26:52,681
He tried to tell me that the
statue was cursed!
315
00:26:54,673 --> 00:26:59,257
You know he told me that he
thought Kuvera was a wicket-keeper.
316
00:27:03,799 --> 00:27:09,206
Let's see, now we've done Cardiff, Bristol,
Southampton and now North and South London.
317
00:27:09,437 --> 00:27:10,627
Where to now?
318
00:27:10,847 --> 00:27:16,574
Oh to Birmingham, then Manchester, then Newcastle,
even maybe Liverpool.
319
00:27:16,852 --> 00:27:19,667
In fact, anywhere where there're people
who think they can exploit
320
00:27:19,834 --> 00:27:25,500
the religious bigotry of two
stupid immigrants. We'll be rich my friend, very rich!
321
00:27:25,746 --> 00:27:28,709
I'll drink to that, my old
mucker!
322
00:27:52,036 --> 00:27:53,884
No sign of Vimmal.
323
00:27:54,552 --> 00:27:58,253
No, he packed his bags and had
it away on his toes five minutes after we left!
324
00:27:59,430 --> 00:28:07,386
As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night's Dream,
'We've been done up like a couple of kippers.'
325
00:28:07,608 --> 00:28:08,871
Right, let's go to the police.
326
00:28:08,975 --> 00:28:12,845
Oh yeah, that's a good idea, that is - oh that's marvellous,
we'd give them a good laugh down there couldn't we, eh?
327
00:28:13,130 --> 00:28:15,869
Can just imagine it? Trotter
brothers conned out of two grand.
328
00:28:16,111 --> 00:28:21,098
It'd be all over the manor in no time, we'd never
be able to hold our heads up in court again!
329
00:28:22,853 --> 00:28:27,054
I don't know how people like Vimmal and his
mate can sleep at night, honest I don't.
330
00:28:28,941 --> 00:28:33,778
Lost everything. Leather coats,
Vauxhall Velox, Grandad's telly!
331
00:28:34,345 --> 00:28:37,589
I've just remembered
something. Grandad was renting that telly.
332
00:28:37,848 --> 00:28:47,401
Oh teriffic, come on - let's get something to eat,
I always feel emotionally peckish when I've been gutted.
333
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:54,398
Well there's a curry house down
the road Del. Only joking, Del Boy... Del!
334
00:28:58,334 --> 00:29:01,601
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