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1
00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:06,243
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,327 --> 00:00:09,717
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,807 --> 00:00:12,799
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,287 --> 00:00:16,643
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,727 --> 00:00:20,720
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,807 --> 00:00:24,356
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:24,447 --> 00:00:27,678
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:28,287 --> 00:00:31,006
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:52,355
Amazing the adverts they put in the local
10
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:02,399
''Cane my young traffic warden's bottom''
11
00:02:05,007 --> 00:02:07,885
''Listen to a housewife moan''
12
00:02:08,327 --> 00:02:10,363
I can do that any day
13
00:02:12,047 --> 00:02:15,119
''Hear my massive 46-inch breasts''
14
00:02:17,007 --> 00:02:20,283
Hear my massive 46-inch breasts?
15
00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:23,279
How? What's she got, cowbells on them?
16
00:02:25,327 --> 00:02:27,795
''Available via PIN number''
17
00:02:29,607 --> 00:02:33,361
Rang one of these numbers up once
It's about as erotic as Amy Turtle
18
00:02:34,927 --> 00:02:37,760
Well, that's that read from cover to cover
19
00:03:10,127 --> 00:03:13,517
Madness Unutterable madness
20
00:04:15,447 --> 00:04:17,005
Now, then
21
00:04:19,887 --> 00:04:21,798
What have we got here?
22
00:04:30,407 --> 00:04:31,601
I don't
23
00:04:32,847 --> 00:04:35,964
What in the name of bloody hell?
24
00:04:42,647 --> 00:04:46,276
What was the last thing I said to you
before I went out
25
00:04:46,367 --> 00:04:49,040
about keeping an eye on the weather for me?
26
00:04:51,007 --> 00:04:53,157
How am I supposed to put these on?
27
00:04:53,247 --> 00:04:55,807
Spin round like Wonder Woman?
28
00:04:56,927 --> 00:05:00,602
I'd throw these socks away except
they'd probably keep coming back
29
00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:05,120
Unbelievable!
30
00:05:05,207 --> 00:05:08,244
Did you see this? What I just found
in one of those crackers you bought?
31
00:05:08,327 --> 00:05:10,124
No But do please tell me
32
00:05:10,207 --> 00:05:14,678
Question ''What's the difference
between Victor Meldrew
33
00:05:14,767 --> 00:05:17,600
''and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?''
34
00:05:17,687 --> 00:05:20,520
Answer ''They're both useless tossers''
35
00:05:22,007 --> 00:05:25,283
Can you believe that?
Inside one of those crackers
36
00:05:25,847 --> 00:05:27,963
Where did you say you got them?
37
00:05:28,047 --> 00:05:30,959
I can't remember
Cardigan Crescent, I think, the Happy Shopper
38
00:05:31,047 --> 00:05:33,959
Happy Shopper? Do you know what?
Somebody has been tampering with these
39
00:05:34,047 --> 00:05:38,086
Poking these things in the end
with the end of a screwdriver or something
40
00:05:38,167 --> 00:05:39,805
Bastards
41
00:05:39,887 --> 00:05:42,481
Same person or persons unknown I presume
42
00:05:42,567 --> 00:05:47,357
who were responsible for this little piece
of unpleasantness I found this afternoon
43
00:05:49,127 --> 00:05:52,039
Sticking out the top of our wheelie bin
if you please
44
00:05:52,167 --> 00:05:54,681
Mrs Blithery at number 25
nearly had a heart attack,
45
00:05:54,767 --> 00:05:57,520
thought we were leaving dead bodies
out for the dustmen
46
00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:59,802
Just kids, I expect, playing pranks
47
00:05:59,887 --> 00:06:01,036
Pranks?
48
00:06:07,927 --> 00:06:12,045
It doesn't even work
Look, it's got, ''What's the difference between''
49
00:06:12,127 --> 00:06:15,278
And then it says we're both useless tossers
50
00:06:16,207 --> 00:06:18,767
How is that the difference?
That's not the difference
51
00:06:18,847 --> 00:06:21,156
That's what we've got in common
52
00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:25,206
Now, if it said, ''Why is Victor Meldrew like a chef
53
00:06:25,287 --> 00:06:29,724
''who keeps dropping his pancakes?
Because we're both useless tossers,''
54
00:06:29,807 --> 00:06:31,081
then it would work
55
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:33,886
It'd be a proper joke then, but it doesn't
56
00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:35,923
I mean, it's not even logical
57
00:06:36,727 --> 00:06:39,799
They haven't even taken the trouble
to think it through properly
58
00:06:39,887 --> 00:06:43,516
-before poking the bloody
-Yes, all right!
59
00:06:44,927 --> 00:06:47,680
Can we drop it now, please?
60
00:06:50,647 --> 00:06:54,242
Don't know how many of these things
are circulating out there, now do we?
61
00:06:55,727 --> 00:06:57,479
Evil little buggers
62
00:06:59,647 --> 00:07:02,844
Still haven't got over them sticking
that live frog through the letter box
63
00:07:02,927 --> 00:07:04,326
Nor has the frog
64
00:07:05,647 --> 00:07:09,481
Wondered what it was croaking away
in my bath water yesterday morning
65
00:07:10,327 --> 00:07:13,603
Thought at first it was
that beans and toast I had for breakfast
66
00:07:16,127 --> 00:07:20,245
Yes, well, of course, most people would realise
it was a frog as soon as they'd picked it up,
67
00:07:20,327 --> 00:07:25,003
instead of spending two minutes
trying to squash it onto a new bar of Palmolive
68
00:07:30,527 --> 00:07:32,324
Is there a cup left in here for me?
69
00:07:32,407 --> 00:07:34,682
Oh, well,
when you've finished with the Cadbury's fondue
70
00:07:35,327 --> 00:07:40,447
But it felt like a piece of soap in the water
and I hadn't got my glasses on
71
00:07:42,247 --> 00:07:43,965
Anyway, how was your day?
72
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:46,720
You're late back Buses up the creek again?
73
00:07:46,807 --> 00:07:48,479
I didn't come straight back
74
00:07:48,567 --> 00:07:52,446
I told you I was going to stop off
to give old Mrs Tebbings another driving lesson
75
00:07:53,367 --> 00:07:56,598
Taking a bit of a risk, weren't you?
Going out with her after dark
76
00:07:56,687 --> 00:07:59,599
Woman's got precious little
sense of direction as it is
77
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,521
What's that supposed to mean?
78
00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:05,486
Well, how many people do you know
who sit in the lavatory facing the cistern?
79
00:08:09,767 --> 00:08:14,477
It took six lessons to stop her putting her hands
in front of her eyes whenever she went downhill
80
00:08:16,167 --> 00:08:19,523
All is well so long as she's happy
to pay me a few quid
81
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,927
I suppose it gives her an interest in life
82
00:08:23,007 --> 00:08:25,805
Especially now her cat's getting
a bit old and past it
83
00:08:26,967 --> 00:08:28,798
Now that its eyesight's going
84
00:08:30,087 --> 00:08:32,965
Chased a mouse upstairs
into the bathroom last week,
85
00:08:33,047 --> 00:08:35,959
ended up nearly choking to death
on a pumice stone
86
00:08:39,527 --> 00:08:42,246
She said she's thinking of getting it
contact lenses
87
00:08:46,847 --> 00:08:49,919
Contact lenses? For a cat?
88
00:08:50,687 --> 00:08:52,723
How? What's she gonna do?
89
00:08:52,807 --> 00:08:55,719
Show it a chart with
different sized tins of Whiskas on?
90
00:08:57,407 --> 00:09:00,444
Of course, you know the story,
it wasn't even her cat in the first place
91
00:09:00,527 --> 00:09:04,202
It just turned up in her garden one day
with a little metal disc in the collar saying,
92
00:09:04,287 --> 00:09:06,960
''If found, please return
to so and so at this address''
93
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,402
-Know what she did?
-Sent them back the collar
94
00:09:13,327 --> 00:09:16,125
If you've ever heard anything so daffy
95
00:09:22,127 --> 00:09:24,641
So, what are you thinking?
96
00:09:25,727 --> 00:09:27,319
Is it the Peugeot still?
97
00:09:28,287 --> 00:09:31,836
Or the Astra possibly I'm not sure
98
00:09:33,127 --> 00:09:36,483
God Three months, is it, now?
99
00:09:39,127 --> 00:09:43,723
I still can't believe anyone would steal your car
outside a garden centre in Purley
100
00:09:45,487 --> 00:09:49,480
I know Just when I thought
we were never gonna get rid of the bloody thing!
101
00:09:52,127 --> 00:09:56,325
Yes, it's been a complete disaster
from the day we first bought it
102
00:09:56,407 --> 00:09:59,160
Never knew what was going to seize up next
103
00:09:59,247 --> 00:10:00,236
And then
104
00:10:00,327 --> 00:10:05,526
Oh, the bliss when we came out of that tea shop
and discovered that some poor sod had nicked it
105
00:10:08,527 --> 00:10:12,315
It was like having a very unpleasant boil lanced
106
00:10:13,927 --> 00:10:15,565
Do you realise
107
00:10:18,047 --> 00:10:20,561
Do you realise that for the first time in our lives
108
00:10:20,647 --> 00:10:23,605
we're actually going to benefit
from an insurance policy?
109
00:10:23,687 --> 00:10:24,722
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
110
00:10:24,807 --> 00:10:26,240
I'll get it
111
00:10:30,007 --> 00:10:31,520
(TYPING ON KEYBOARD)
112
00:10:33,687 --> 00:10:36,042
Are you nearly finished in there for tonight?
113
00:10:36,807 --> 00:10:39,401
Seven hours you've been at it now
114
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:44,525
I said don't you think it's time you were
taking Denzil out for his walk?
115
00:10:46,007 --> 00:10:47,235
Oh
116
00:10:47,327 --> 00:10:50,285
Well, that's just perfect, isn't it?
117
00:10:51,927 --> 00:10:53,121
What's the problem?
118
00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:04,883
There are other things he needs to do out there
besides walk, you know
119
00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:08,842
I'm not blowing this presentation
to Leibnitz and Wang for anything
120
00:11:08,927 --> 00:11:12,317
If I get this contract, it could mean the difference
between life and death
121
00:11:12,407 --> 00:11:16,844
We could drop the price on this house
and move next door to something vaguely human
122
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:19,487
Something that has a reflection in a mirror
123
00:11:19,607 --> 00:11:21,757
VICTOR: Oh, no!
124
00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:26,722
What What do you mean?
125
00:11:26,807 --> 00:11:30,402
This is the absolute bloody limit
126
00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:32,400
I mean
127
00:11:32,887 --> 00:11:34,525
For God's sake
128
00:11:34,767 --> 00:11:37,679
6:2 7 Early one tonight
129
00:11:38,207 --> 00:11:40,926
VICTOR: In the name of sanity!
130
00:11:41,687 --> 00:11:46,158
Oh! Tell me that I'm still asleep,
that this is just a bad dream
131
00:11:46,327 --> 00:11:49,046
You're not asleep It's not a dream
132
00:11:49,127 --> 00:11:51,357
They've found our car!
133
00:11:53,927 --> 00:11:56,760
And it's not my bloody fault!
134
00:11:57,367 --> 00:12:00,518
After three months? Whereabouts?
135
00:12:02,247 --> 00:12:03,839
Whereabouts?
136
00:12:04,607 --> 00:12:05,722
Finland
137
00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:18,805
Are you stark raving mad?
138
00:12:19,687 --> 00:12:23,043
Finland? That car couldn't get to Finchley!
139
00:12:24,887 --> 00:12:28,357
What did they do?
Tow it there with a team of reindeer?
140
00:12:29,047 --> 00:12:31,117
I'm just telling you what he said
141
00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:35,437
He said a local woodcutter found it
abandoned in the middle of a forest
142
00:12:35,527 --> 00:12:38,519
still with our plants and boxes of Phostrogen
on the back seat
143
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:43,280
He said they've kept his name and address
in case we want to give him a reward
144
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:47,201
Give him a reward?
I'll give him a bloody thick ear if I ever see him!
145
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:53,284
Who would want to go to Finland
in the first place?
146
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:55,403
I don't know!
147
00:12:55,487 --> 00:12:58,320
Here, ring Judith Chalmers
148
00:12:59,407 --> 00:13:02,558
While I go and put your socks in the grill pan!
149
00:13:06,007 --> 00:13:07,440
Thank you
150
00:13:07,527 --> 00:13:12,043
Thank you, St Total Bastard,
the patron saint of insurance companies
151
00:13:18,927 --> 00:13:21,043
I don't know why I bother
152
00:13:32,047 --> 00:13:33,844
Is it drivable still or what?
153
00:13:33,927 --> 00:13:36,487
Well, it's supposed to be, according to
154
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:38,125
(EXCLAIMING)
155
00:13:39,207 --> 00:13:43,962
Look at this For crying out loud
156
00:13:45,887 --> 00:13:50,483
MARGARET: The man who sold it to us
did say it was a very fast-growing variety
157
00:13:51,407 --> 00:13:53,318
Fast-growing variety?
158
00:13:54,127 --> 00:13:58,405
I mean, you think they'd have had the sense
to prune it now and again Look at it
159
00:13:59,647 --> 00:14:03,196
Clings like bloody Super Glue, this stuff
160
00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:06,683
Yes, well, Patrick and Pippa
have offered me a lift in So
161
00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:10,601
I think they're having lunch
with one of his business clients or something
162
00:14:10,687 --> 00:14:12,678
Ready when you are, Margaret
163
00:14:13,607 --> 00:14:15,120
Coming
164
00:14:15,207 --> 00:14:17,926
-You need anything while I'm out?
-Yes
165
00:14:18,007 --> 00:14:21,158
You can see if Halfords do a large
and very hungry goat
166
00:14:26,887 --> 00:14:30,038
-Thanks a lot, Pippa That's just the job
-You're very welcome
167
00:14:30,127 --> 00:14:33,164
Oh, Patrick, don't forget your presentation
168
00:14:33,847 --> 00:14:36,805
Oh, Margaret, I know what I meant to say
169
00:14:36,887 --> 00:14:40,436
I think I've got a pair of Y-fronts
belonging to you at home
170
00:14:40,527 --> 00:14:43,564
They must have blown across into the garden
the other night
171
00:14:43,647 --> 00:14:48,084
Thought when I was ironing them, I didn't think
Patrick had a pair with a blue waistband
172
00:14:48,167 --> 00:14:50,840
Anyway, I put them to one side in the bedroom
173
00:14:50,927 --> 00:14:53,361
-Pop them round later, all right?
-There's no rush
174
00:14:53,447 --> 00:14:56,007
Bye, then I hope it all goes well for you
175
00:14:58,527 --> 00:15:00,677
Look, is that them?
176
00:15:02,087 --> 00:15:04,043
A blue waistband?
177
00:15:04,687 --> 00:15:06,166
What's the matter with you?
178
00:15:07,247 --> 00:15:11,763
This is the mother of all nightmares
you pray will never happen
179
00:15:12,327 --> 00:15:17,117
I'm about to go into the most important
business meeting in my career
180
00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:19,641
wearing Victor Meldrew's underpants
181
00:15:20,607 --> 00:15:23,565
You what Oh, you didn't put
182
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,605
Anyway, look
183
00:15:28,807 --> 00:15:31,082
-Come on, they've seen us
-I can't move
184
00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:33,920
My entire genital area has gone into trauma
185
00:15:34,607 --> 00:15:38,964
For goodness sake, pull yourself together
and remember who you're meeting
186
00:15:44,967 --> 00:15:48,482
This must be how John Hurt felt
with that alien in his stomach
187
00:16:08,687 --> 00:16:10,120
Little buggers
188
00:16:19,007 --> 00:16:20,804
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
189
00:16:21,607 --> 00:16:24,326
Mrs Blithery, how are you today?
190
00:16:30,607 --> 00:16:31,801
(CAR HORN HONKING)
191
00:16:31,887 --> 00:16:33,161
(TYRES SCREECHING)
192
00:16:33,247 --> 00:16:35,044
(CRASHING)
193
00:16:38,687 --> 00:16:40,405
Bloody car
194
00:16:42,807 --> 00:16:45,162
Finland of all the places
195
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:51,482
It's a wonder we haven't heard
from the astronauts in the space shuttle
196
00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:52,966
''Hello, Mr Meldrew
197
00:16:53,047 --> 00:16:56,642
''We just found a D registration Honda
up here orbiting the earth
198
00:16:56,727 --> 00:16:59,116
''We think it might belong to you''
199
00:17:00,247 --> 00:17:03,557
Oh, by the way, I forgot to say
200
00:17:03,887 --> 00:17:06,606
I solved the mystery of that practical joker
201
00:17:06,687 --> 00:17:08,917
You know, the rubber hand
202
00:17:09,007 --> 00:17:11,237
and the crackers and the frog and everything
203
00:17:11,327 --> 00:17:14,683
Apparently, it was that Mr Grimwade's children
204
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:17,998
You know, two doors down from the post office
Do you know them?
205
00:17:18,087 --> 00:17:20,555
I can't say as I do, no
206
00:17:20,647 --> 00:17:22,558
No, I didn't remember him
207
00:17:22,647 --> 00:17:25,764
Anyway, he came up to me in Asda's today
208
00:17:25,847 --> 00:17:29,317
and said he couldn't apologise enough
for their behaviour
209
00:17:29,407 --> 00:17:32,604
and he was gonna make certain
that it never happened again,
210
00:17:32,687 --> 00:17:34,917
which I thought was very decent of him
211
00:17:36,887 --> 00:17:38,605
Oh, no
212
00:17:42,367 --> 00:17:44,676
It depends if they take any notice
213
00:17:50,967 --> 00:17:55,245
We'll be finding severed heads
under the rockery now, I expect, before long
214
00:17:55,487 --> 00:17:57,079
Ruddy vandals
215
00:17:59,487 --> 00:18:02,684
I thought the weatherman said
it was gonna be a bit warmer tonight
216
00:18:04,607 --> 00:18:07,167
-What were you looking at?
-Nothing
217
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,439
Where's my cup of tea?
218
00:18:09,527 --> 00:18:11,438
What were you looking at?
219
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:16,482
I think Mr and Mrs Aylesbury
are having one of their parties
220
00:18:18,207 --> 00:18:21,040
Oh, no!
221
00:18:21,647 --> 00:18:24,366
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
222
00:18:28,287 --> 00:18:30,482
Oh, God
223
00:18:31,247 --> 00:18:33,556
I can't take much more of this!
224
00:18:34,407 --> 00:18:37,160
2:30 in the morning
225
00:18:48,887 --> 00:18:50,843
(MUSIC STOPS)
226
00:19:03,327 --> 00:19:04,726
Ahh
227
00:19:05,487 --> 00:19:07,478
(THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING)
228
00:19:09,807 --> 00:19:13,277
Oh, in the name of mercy!
229
00:19:27,607 --> 00:19:29,723
(GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)
230
00:19:29,807 --> 00:19:33,163
God! Good God
231
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:08,327
(GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)
232
00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:11,399
It's more than flesh and blood can stand!
233
00:20:12,647 --> 00:20:15,286
I don't know how on earth
you can sleep through it
234
00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:17,676
Margaret? Margaret!
235
00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:19,086
What?
236
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,842
I was just getting off then
237
00:20:22,927 --> 00:20:26,681
Not an ounce of consideration
for anyone but themselves
238
00:20:26,847 --> 00:20:30,123
Look at that There's half a dozen of them
on the front lawn now
239
00:20:30,207 --> 00:20:32,357
doing Chuck Berry duck walks
240
00:20:33,127 --> 00:20:34,606
Shut up!
241
00:20:34,687 --> 00:20:36,803
Oh, come back to bed
242
00:20:38,287 --> 00:20:41,836
No one else in this street
is remotely bothered, only us
243
00:20:42,247 --> 00:20:43,885
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
244
00:20:45,887 --> 00:20:48,355
Oh, hang on Here's one that's got away
245
00:20:48,447 --> 00:20:52,599
I'm gonna have that Come here, matey
That's got you!
246
00:20:53,447 --> 00:20:55,517
Now where's that safety pin?
247
00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:01,720
That's made you feel a whole lot better, has it?
248
00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:04,444
Very slightly, yes
249
00:21:05,567 --> 00:21:10,482
It's getting on for 3:00
They can't go on for much longer
250
00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:14,446
Another half hour and they'll all have
packed up and gone home
251
00:21:14,567 --> 00:21:17,161
Just have a bit of patience
252
00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:25,007
(GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS)
253
00:21:34,207 --> 00:21:36,004
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
254
00:21:37,447 --> 00:21:39,563
Don't tell me they've stopped
255
00:21:43,007 --> 00:21:45,202
9:30 in the morning
256
00:21:46,087 --> 00:21:49,284
I can't have had more than an hour's sleep
in the entire night
257
00:21:49,727 --> 00:21:52,161
Well, at least it's Sunday today
258
00:21:52,887 --> 00:21:56,846
We've no reason to get up before lunch time
Just be thankful for that
259
00:21:58,247 --> 00:21:59,521
That's a nice thought
260
00:22:05,007 --> 00:22:06,486
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
261
00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:14,486
4291
262
00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:16,603
MAN: Good morning. Mr Meldrew?
263
00:22:17,647 --> 00:22:18,796
Speaking
264
00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:21,605
It's Mr Foskett
265
00:22:21,687 --> 00:22:23,200
Oh, you're joking?
266
00:22:23,287 --> 00:22:25,881
Here's a memory test for you, Mr Meldrew.
267
00:22:25,967 --> 00:22:29,516
I wonder if you can cast your mindback over 1 7 years
268
00:22:29,607 --> 00:22:32,838
to Mrs Mosley's guesthousein Western-Super-Mare?
269
00:22:32,927 --> 00:22:36,283
And I wonder if you rememberthe small man with the moustache
270
00:22:36,367 --> 00:22:40,155
who had to walk through your bedroom every nightto get to the toilet?
271
00:22:40,247 --> 00:22:42,522
1 7 years ago last summer it was.
272
00:22:42,607 --> 00:22:45,758
How about if I say the name Mr Foskett?
273
00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:51,680
Mr Foskett, fancy hearing from you
after all this time
274
00:22:51,807 --> 00:22:55,516
Well, you said if I was ever in the vicinityto be sure to look you up so...
275
00:22:56,047 --> 00:22:57,036
Yes
276
00:22:57,127 --> 00:23:00,483
Obviously I wouldn't just descend on youwithout giving you a ring first.
277
00:23:00,567 --> 00:23:04,401
No, no, so where are you at the moment?
278
00:23:04,487 --> 00:23:06,398
I'm outside your front door.
279
00:23:07,807 --> 00:23:11,038
Yes, I'm on the mobile.They're wonderful things, aren't they?
280
00:23:11,127 --> 00:23:12,355
(DOORBELL RINGING)
281
00:23:12,447 --> 00:23:14,836
Oh, sorry, I just knocked your doorbell.
282
00:23:14,927 --> 00:23:17,236
He's here He's outside
283
00:23:17,727 --> 00:23:22,323
Yes. I thought I better give him a buzz first,make sure he's still alive.
284
00:23:22,407 --> 00:23:24,079
He'll not thank me otherwise...
285
00:23:24,167 --> 00:23:28,399
Yes, hang on a minute, Mr Foskett
We'll be right down
286
00:23:29,327 --> 00:23:32,717
That's all we needed Where are my trousers?
287
00:23:33,167 --> 00:23:36,318
What are we? Cursed this bloody weekend?
288
00:23:43,087 --> 00:23:47,000
Mr Foskett, as I live and breathe Are you well?
289
00:23:47,087 --> 00:23:49,396
You're sure I've not caught you
at an awkward moment or anything?
290
00:23:49,487 --> 00:23:51,125
My God You lost some hair
291
00:23:51,207 --> 00:23:54,199
Still, we've all of us changed, haven't we?
There's me now, the father of two
292
00:23:54,287 --> 00:23:55,800
Can you believe it?
293
00:23:55,887 --> 00:23:58,321
Sometimes, you know, I do believe Mrs Meldrew
294
00:23:58,407 --> 00:24:02,639
-Remember me? Face from the past
-Mr Foskett My gosh
295
00:24:03,247 --> 00:24:05,807
Well, come on, Victor, are we going to let them in?
296
00:24:05,887 --> 00:24:09,004
Oh, yes Yes, in you come
297
00:24:10,927 --> 00:24:12,042
That's it
298
00:24:13,207 --> 00:24:16,517
I was just saying I can't imagine
being without them now
299
00:24:16,607 --> 00:24:20,282
Young David and Martin
They really light up my life
300
00:24:20,527 --> 00:24:23,997
They give me
Oh, I don't know, such a sense of purpose,
301
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:26,123
a fulfilment that words can't express
302
00:24:27,287 --> 00:24:31,758
Yes, well, why don't I go and make some coffee?
303
00:24:32,727 --> 00:24:35,241
Have you had any breakfast at all yet?
304
00:24:40,007 --> 00:24:42,316
Since we were down here visiting my wife's sister,
305
00:24:42,407 --> 00:24:45,843
who's just moved into a little cottage
in Wigston Parva, just off the 51 20,
306
00:24:45,927 --> 00:24:48,122
I don't know if you know it
Anyway, I thought, why not?
307
00:24:48,207 --> 00:24:49,640
Of course, you hesitate at first
308
00:24:49,727 --> 00:24:51,957
'cause people don't always
wanna see you after 1 7 years
309
00:24:52,047 --> 00:24:55,357
For all I know, you may be praying
you never set eyes on me again
310
00:24:58,887 --> 00:25:02,721
I think it's nice if you can meet up with people,
don't you? However long it's been
311
00:25:02,807 --> 00:25:06,846
Oh, by the way, that address you gave me
doesn't actually exist
312
00:25:10,967 --> 00:25:12,844
I thought that a bit odd at first, but
313
00:25:12,927 --> 00:25:15,725
Well, I expect I must have copied it down
wrong somewhere along the line
314
00:25:15,807 --> 00:25:19,163
Anyway, thank goodness
for the old phone book, eh? 'Cause here I am
315
00:25:19,247 --> 00:25:23,206
So, how you been keeping?
You still got that job on the security desk?
316
00:25:23,287 --> 00:25:24,606
No As a matter of fact
317
00:25:24,687 --> 00:25:27,963
Of course, it was just after that summer holiday
that my wife left me
318
00:25:28,047 --> 00:25:29,958
Penelope, for another man
319
00:25:30,047 --> 00:25:33,483
To say I couldn't deal with it,
oh, that's the understatement of all time
320
00:25:33,567 --> 00:25:36,240
You know that feeling when the world
just seems to stop turning?
321
00:25:36,327 --> 00:25:38,602
I lost me job, was on all sorts of medication,
322
00:25:38,687 --> 00:25:41,759
and in the space of three years
I tried to kill meself 1 3 times,
323
00:25:41,847 --> 00:25:43,838
which I won't depress you with now
324
00:25:44,727 --> 00:25:47,446
Six attempted overdoses, two exhaust jobs,
325
00:25:47,527 --> 00:25:51,156
three times I tried to jump off the roof,
but they always talked me down
326
00:25:51,247 --> 00:25:54,637
I expect that begs the question
of how serious you are
327
00:25:54,727 --> 00:25:58,163
and, of course, I won't show you
the scars on me wrist Look at that
328
00:25:59,647 --> 00:26:01,797
Actually it's a miracle I survived
329
00:26:01,887 --> 00:26:05,880
Anyway, one day in she walked,
the new love of my life
330
00:26:05,967 --> 00:26:10,119
Loretta We got married,
had two of the loveliest children on this earth
331
00:26:10,207 --> 00:26:12,243
I can't believe what it's done for me
332
00:26:12,327 --> 00:26:15,524
It's a shame that she's got a migraine today
I'd love you to see her sometime
333
00:26:15,607 --> 00:26:19,998
Anyway, enough of my life story
What's been happening to you all this while?
334
00:26:20,647 --> 00:26:24,435
-Ah, well
-Oh, that was a funny old place, wasn't it?
335
00:26:24,607 --> 00:26:26,837
That guesthouse
336
00:26:26,927 --> 00:26:30,681
Do you remember that mynah bird
that used to impersonate Kenneth Wolstenholme?
337
00:26:31,087 --> 00:26:33,123
which, of course,
is quite a turn-up for the books,
338
00:26:33,207 --> 00:26:36,244
after 46 years to find you're allergic to Sellotape
339
00:26:37,367 --> 00:26:40,882
So, then they had to transfer me
to the invoicing department
340
00:26:40,967 --> 00:26:43,686
where I stayed for another seven months
and that was that
341
00:26:43,767 --> 00:26:47,965
I didn't really mind when the time came
I've never been short of outside interest
342
00:26:48,047 --> 00:26:52,120
And, of course, my passion
for antique dentures remains undiminished
343
00:26:52,207 --> 00:26:54,801
Are there anymore of those jam tarts?
344
00:26:54,887 --> 00:26:56,843
Hmm? What? Oh Hang on
345
00:26:57,527 --> 00:27:00,087
Healthy old appetite
they've got for their age, haven't they?
346
00:27:00,167 --> 00:27:03,443
Yes, I think it must be
nigh on 300 pairs I have now
347
00:27:04,127 --> 00:27:05,924
It's been a long while since I counted them last
348
00:27:06,007 --> 00:27:10,285
-Sorry?
-My collection of false teeth
349
00:27:10,847 --> 00:27:13,202
I don't suppose that's something
that interests you
350
00:27:13,287 --> 00:27:15,198
Bit of an obscure hobby, really
351
00:27:15,287 --> 00:27:18,597
Yes No I mean, no, no, no,
it sounds absolutely fascinating
352
00:27:18,767 --> 00:27:24,080
Yeah, well, the oldest set I've got
dates back to the 1 830s
353
00:27:24,167 --> 00:27:26,965
and belonged, we think, to an Italian nobleman
354
00:27:27,047 --> 00:27:29,607
who had a rather unusual contour
to his upper palate
355
00:27:30,167 --> 00:27:34,240
Perhaps if you've got an afternoon free,
you'd like to come up and have a look
356
00:27:34,327 --> 00:27:37,205
Yeah, that would be a treat indeed, Mr Foskett
357
00:27:38,487 --> 00:27:43,515
-Actually, I don't want to be slightly rude
-Oh, my goodness me, is that the time?
358
00:27:44,127 --> 00:27:48,040
Oh, talk about outstaying your welcome
When I go rattling on, I don't know
359
00:27:48,127 --> 00:27:50,482
Yes, that's all right
360
00:27:50,847 --> 00:27:52,724
I just have to make a quick phone call, if I may,
361
00:27:52,807 --> 00:27:55,719
to see how Loretta and the boys are getting on
and then I'll be on my way
362
00:27:55,807 --> 00:27:57,638
-Yes, right
-Right
363
00:27:59,727 --> 00:28:01,479
(SIGHING)
364
00:28:08,367 --> 00:28:09,880
What did you say?
365
00:28:10,047 --> 00:28:12,402
-Sorry?
-Loretta and the boys?
366
00:28:12,727 --> 00:28:17,437
Yes, my two sons, David and Martin
I mentioned them earlier Don't you remember?
367
00:28:17,527 --> 00:28:21,236
Well, yes, but they're in there surely
368
00:28:21,567 --> 00:28:23,285
What, my two sons?
369
00:28:23,367 --> 00:28:26,518
No! My boys are only three and four
370
00:28:26,607 --> 00:28:29,883
I hope they've got better table manners
than those two
371
00:28:29,967 --> 00:28:33,642
Well, I assumed
You mean, they're not your grandchildren?
372
00:28:35,527 --> 00:28:37,358
Grandchildren?
373
00:28:42,967 --> 00:28:46,880
You two!
Who the bloody hell are you, for goodness sakes?
374
00:28:46,967 --> 00:28:48,844
-Ian Grimwade
-Neil Grimwade
375
00:28:49,247 --> 00:28:52,239
-Grimwade?
-What the hell are you doing in my house?
376
00:28:52,447 --> 00:28:54,039
Dad told us to come round
377
00:28:54,127 --> 00:28:57,437
He said we had to apologise
for freaking you out with the frog
378
00:28:57,527 --> 00:28:59,404
and the snowman and all that
379
00:28:59,487 --> 00:29:01,682
You've eaten half the food in our larder!
380
00:29:02,167 --> 00:29:03,919
You gave it to us
381
00:29:04,007 --> 00:29:06,760
Get out! Go on, you greedy little gannets
382
00:29:07,087 --> 00:29:10,397
Coming round here like a swarm of army ants
383
00:29:10,487 --> 00:29:11,920
Get out! Get out!
384
00:29:12,247 --> 00:29:13,680
Can we have our hand back?
385
00:29:13,767 --> 00:29:16,201
You'll get my hand
if I ever see you round here again
386
00:29:16,287 --> 00:29:20,200
And you can keep away from our garage
in future as well while you're at it!
387
00:29:20,287 --> 00:29:22,198
You miserable old git!
388
00:29:22,527 --> 00:29:25,644
Don't go in there for a minute
I'll get that dustpan
389
00:29:30,687 --> 00:29:33,121
Something the matter? You all right?
390
00:29:33,847 --> 00:29:35,246
She's gone
391
00:29:36,007 --> 00:29:38,316
Gone? Gone where?
392
00:29:39,367 --> 00:29:42,484
She's left me She didn't say where
393
00:29:43,607 --> 00:29:47,680
Just told her sister to tell me
that it wasn't working anymore
394
00:29:49,007 --> 00:29:51,726
and the boys would be better off without me
395
00:29:53,127 --> 00:29:55,516
She didn't have a migraine after all
396
00:29:58,687 --> 00:29:59,836
Sorry
397
00:30:00,927 --> 00:30:02,918
Are you okay? You look a bit faint
398
00:30:03,007 --> 00:30:04,998
No, I'm fine
399
00:30:05,087 --> 00:30:07,521
I'll just have a glass of water, if I may
400
00:30:14,847 --> 00:30:16,644
(CRASHING)
401
00:30:25,927 --> 00:30:29,124
I was wondering
if we should ring for a taxi or something
402
00:30:29,207 --> 00:30:30,879
Is he out of the bath yet?
403
00:30:31,527 --> 00:30:35,156
I think he must be having a good soak up there
I thought it best not to disturb him
404
00:30:35,247 --> 00:30:36,566
I suppose
405
00:30:37,127 --> 00:30:39,243
-He hasn't locked the bathroom door?
-Why?
406
00:30:40,407 --> 00:30:43,763
The man's tried to kill himself 1 3 times as it is
407
00:30:44,127 --> 00:30:45,879
A thing like this I mean
408
00:30:45,967 --> 00:30:48,800
Well, you could see how close to the edge he was
409
00:30:49,567 --> 00:30:51,478
What if he gets in the medicine cabinet?
410
00:30:51,567 --> 00:30:54,127
Oh, for goodness sake
You've been watching too many soap operas
411
00:30:54,207 --> 00:30:57,438
What's he gonna do?
Hang himself with some dental floss?
412
00:31:18,167 --> 00:31:19,520
VICTOR: God
413
00:31:20,367 --> 00:31:22,278
Don't move!
414
00:31:24,607 --> 00:31:28,043
Just stay perfectly still!
415
00:31:30,447 --> 00:31:32,358
There's no point, Mr Meldrew
416
00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:34,763
There's no point anymore
417
00:31:35,367 --> 00:31:39,121
Just stop, just for a second,
418
00:31:39,207 --> 00:31:40,879
while we talk about this
419
00:31:44,927 --> 00:31:47,487
(WHISPERING) I'll phone the fire brigade
420
00:31:53,527 --> 00:31:55,836
(SCREAMING)
421
00:31:56,127 --> 00:31:58,595
River Bank Yes
422
00:31:59,487 --> 00:32:03,321
I don't know
It sounds as if we may be too late already
423
00:32:14,207 --> 00:32:16,323
Try not to move
424
00:32:16,687 --> 00:32:19,485
Get the ladder I'm coming back
425
00:32:30,327 --> 00:32:32,045
Please hurry!
426
00:32:34,687 --> 00:32:39,283
And with the cost of office space these days,
it means a considerable saving in overhead,
427
00:32:39,407 --> 00:32:43,286
which I am more than delighted to reflect
in my proposed fee
428
00:32:43,367 --> 00:32:44,959
Anyway,
429
00:32:45,047 --> 00:32:46,685
here we are
430
00:32:46,767 --> 00:32:52,239
If you are agreeable, the nerve centre
for the new auditor of Leibnitz and Wang
431
00:32:53,407 --> 00:32:55,318
Do either of you have any questions?
432
00:33:19,807 --> 00:33:21,160
No? Fine
433
00:33:21,247 --> 00:33:24,717
Well, let me take you back down, then,
and give you both a top-up
434
00:33:37,327 --> 00:33:39,636
Did you bring that bag in with the chicken?
435
00:33:39,727 --> 00:33:41,160
I did, yes
436
00:33:41,607 --> 00:33:44,565
-Did you lock the car up afterwards?
-I didn't, no
437
00:33:44,647 --> 00:33:46,558
Did you remember
to leave the keys in the ignition?
438
00:33:46,647 --> 00:33:48,205
I did, yes
439
00:33:50,087 --> 00:33:54,000
God knows why people keep
bringing the bloody things back
440
00:33:54,087 --> 00:33:57,318
''Excuse me
Did you know you left your keys in the car?
441
00:33:57,407 --> 00:34:00,240
''Someone could easily steal it like that,
you know''
442
00:34:00,327 --> 00:34:02,124
Chance would be a fine thing
443
00:34:03,687 --> 00:34:05,245
What's that?
444
00:34:05,847 --> 00:34:09,237
Someone tried to deliver a parcel apparently
They've left it next door
445
00:34:17,527 --> 00:34:19,040
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
446
00:34:28,967 --> 00:34:32,118
Ah, Mr Meldrew Are you well?
447
00:34:33,447 --> 00:34:36,519
I gather that you've got a package for us?
448
00:34:36,607 --> 00:34:40,316
Hmm Oh, yes
Yes, now, where did I put that now?
449
00:34:40,407 --> 00:34:42,159
In this drawer here?
450
00:34:42,807 --> 00:34:44,798
Oh, no No, that's not it, is it?
451
00:34:44,927 --> 00:34:48,522
No, that's the letter I received this morning
from Leibnitz and Wang,
452
00:34:48,607 --> 00:34:52,839
the company which I had dared hope
might put a rather lucrative business deal my way
453
00:34:52,927 --> 00:34:58,001
That is, of course, until they popped round
last Sunday to finalise one or two details
454
00:34:58,087 --> 00:35:03,286
and were somewhat taken aback
not so much by the hideous sight of a naked man
455
00:35:03,367 --> 00:35:06,837
dangling outside my office window,
as by the hideous sight of
456
00:35:06,927 --> 00:35:09,395
what was dangling from the naked man
457
00:35:11,167 --> 00:35:15,524
Following which, in time-honoured fashion,
they said that they would let me know
458
00:35:15,607 --> 00:35:20,635
And lo and behold, this morning they did
459
00:35:21,887 --> 00:35:25,038
Still, never mind, as they say
460
00:35:25,167 --> 00:35:28,443
Now if I could just make one small suggestion,
461
00:35:28,527 --> 00:35:31,121
perhaps a stronger lock on the door
of your laboratory
462
00:35:31,207 --> 00:35:33,277
might stop them escaping next time
463
00:35:35,407 --> 00:35:37,398
Yes, I'm sorry if
464
00:35:37,487 --> 00:35:39,318
Oh, I remember The front room
465
00:35:39,407 --> 00:35:40,840
Almost forgot
466
00:35:41,127 --> 00:35:42,765
PATRICK: Ah, yes Here we are
467
00:35:43,967 --> 00:35:46,765
I thought it might be a new consignment
of human organs or something
468
00:35:46,847 --> 00:35:48,439
so I kept it in the hall
469
00:35:49,847 --> 00:35:51,200
Manage that all right?
470
00:35:51,287 --> 00:35:55,326
-Yeah Thank you very much
-No No, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew
471
00:36:02,087 --> 00:36:06,603
I think warped is the word that springs to mind
472
00:36:06,887 --> 00:36:09,685
You deliberately let him think
they turned you down
473
00:36:09,767 --> 00:36:11,758
just to make him feel awful
474
00:36:19,727 --> 00:36:20,796
Yes
475
00:36:29,327 --> 00:36:31,557
MARGARET: What on earth
476
00:36:31,807 --> 00:36:34,162
Ermhang on a minute
477
00:36:35,327 --> 00:36:36,362
(VICTOR GROANING)
478
00:36:36,447 --> 00:36:38,165
What the hell is it?
479
00:36:38,767 --> 00:36:42,123
-You didn't send away for anything, did you?
-There's a letter here
480
00:36:42,207 --> 00:36:45,483
The post mark's all smudged
You can't see where it's from
481
00:36:50,487 --> 00:36:53,684
''Dear Mr Meldrew, we would like to inform''
482
00:36:54,727 --> 00:36:56,365
Oh, it's from
483
00:36:57,047 --> 00:36:58,480
Oh, no
484
00:36:59,567 --> 00:37:01,364
It's Mr Foskett
485
00:37:03,767 --> 00:37:07,601
After he left here on Sunday, you remember?
With that police officer
486
00:37:07,687 --> 00:37:11,521
They took him back to the station for a cup of tea
to try and calm him down
487
00:37:11,607 --> 00:37:16,681
It says, ''About 8:30,
he left the interview room to go to the toilet
488
00:37:16,767 --> 00:37:20,999
''and threw himself out of the window
on the seventh floor
489
00:37:23,167 --> 00:37:26,603
''Prior to that,
apart from the break-up of his marriage,
490
00:37:26,687 --> 00:37:30,043
''the only thing he talked about was
how kind and generous you and your wife
491
00:37:30,127 --> 00:37:31,879
''had been to him that day
492
00:37:31,967 --> 00:37:35,562
''and how nice it was to think
you were so genuinely pleased to see him
493
00:37:35,647 --> 00:37:37,922
''after all those years
494
00:37:38,607 --> 00:37:42,361
''Before he died in hospital,
he asked if we could arrange
495
00:37:42,447 --> 00:37:45,917
''for the enclosed to be passed on to you
as it was something you had expressed
496
00:37:46,007 --> 00:37:48,601
''such a fascination for
when you last spoke to him''
497
00:38:11,967 --> 00:38:14,037
I suppose you can see why they do it
498
00:38:14,727 --> 00:38:19,357
The people across the road
just spend all night laughing
499
00:38:21,967 --> 00:38:25,084
But the only thing you can do to stay sane
500
00:38:26,127 --> 00:38:27,765
is laugh
501
00:38:27,847 --> 00:38:29,121
Yes
502
00:38:30,607 --> 00:38:33,167
See the funny side of things
503
00:38:33,887 --> 00:38:34,876
Yes
504
00:38:37,687 --> 00:38:42,442
I mean, if we couldn't laugh at all this,
we'd be committing suicide
505
00:38:43,327 --> 00:38:44,396
Yes
506
00:38:51,847 --> 00:38:53,917
Where are the sleeping tablets?
507
00:38:55,047 --> 00:38:56,799
In the cupboard by my bed
508
00:38:59,367 --> 00:39:00,436
Right
509
00:39:06,967 --> 00:39:09,117
(THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING)
510
00:39:15,767 --> 00:39:19,521
# So if you chance to meet himwhen walking round the town
511
00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:23,441
#Just shake him by his fat old handand give him half a crown
512
00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:27,236
# His eyes will beam and sparkleHe'll gurgle with delight
513
00:39:27,327 --> 00:39:31,206
#And then you'll start him laughingwith all his blessed might #
514
00:39:31,256 --> 00:39:35,806
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