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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,967 --> 00:00:06,243 # They say I might as well face the truth 2 00:00:06,327 --> 00:00:09,717 # That I am just too long in the tooth 3 00:00:09,807 --> 00:00:12,799 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed 4 00:00:13,287 --> 00:00:16,643 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed 5 00:00:16,727 --> 00:00:20,720 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired 6 00:00:20,807 --> 00:00:24,356 # Fading away but I've not yet expired 7 00:00:24,447 --> 00:00:27,678 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save 8 00:00:28,287 --> 00:00:31,006 # One foot in the grave # 9 00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:52,355 Amazing the adverts they put in the local 10 00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:02,399 ''Cane my young traffic warden's bottom'' 11 00:02:05,007 --> 00:02:07,885 ''Listen to a housewife moan'' 12 00:02:08,327 --> 00:02:10,363 I can do that any day 13 00:02:12,047 --> 00:02:15,119 ''Hear my massive 46-inch breasts'' 14 00:02:17,007 --> 00:02:20,283 Hear my massive 46-inch breasts? 15 00:02:20,367 --> 00:02:23,279 How? What's she got, cowbells on them? 16 00:02:25,327 --> 00:02:27,795 ''Available via PIN number'' 17 00:02:29,607 --> 00:02:33,361 Rang one of these numbers up once It's about as erotic as Amy Turtle 18 00:02:34,927 --> 00:02:37,760 Well, that's that read from cover to cover 19 00:03:10,127 --> 00:03:13,517 Madness Unutterable madness 20 00:04:15,447 --> 00:04:17,005 Now, then 21 00:04:19,887 --> 00:04:21,798 What have we got here? 22 00:04:30,407 --> 00:04:31,601 I don't 23 00:04:32,847 --> 00:04:35,964 What in the name of bloody hell? 24 00:04:42,647 --> 00:04:46,276 What was the last thing I said to you before I went out 25 00:04:46,367 --> 00:04:49,040 about keeping an eye on the weather for me? 26 00:04:51,007 --> 00:04:53,157 How am I supposed to put these on? 27 00:04:53,247 --> 00:04:55,807 Spin round like Wonder Woman? 28 00:04:56,927 --> 00:05:00,602 I'd throw these socks away except they'd probably keep coming back 29 00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:05,120 Unbelievable! 30 00:05:05,207 --> 00:05:08,244 Did you see this? What I just found in one of those crackers you bought? 31 00:05:08,327 --> 00:05:10,124 No But do please tell me 32 00:05:10,207 --> 00:05:14,678 Question ''What's the difference between Victor Meldrew 33 00:05:14,767 --> 00:05:17,600 ''and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?'' 34 00:05:17,687 --> 00:05:20,520 Answer ''They're both useless tossers'' 35 00:05:22,007 --> 00:05:25,283 Can you believe that? Inside one of those crackers 36 00:05:25,847 --> 00:05:27,963 Where did you say you got them? 37 00:05:28,047 --> 00:05:30,959 I can't remember Cardigan Crescent, I think, the Happy Shopper 38 00:05:31,047 --> 00:05:33,959 Happy Shopper? Do you know what? Somebody has been tampering with these 39 00:05:34,047 --> 00:05:38,086 Poking these things in the end with the end of a screwdriver or something 40 00:05:38,167 --> 00:05:39,805 Bastards 41 00:05:39,887 --> 00:05:42,481 Same person or persons unknown I presume 42 00:05:42,567 --> 00:05:47,357 who were responsible for this little piece of unpleasantness I found this afternoon 43 00:05:49,127 --> 00:05:52,039 Sticking out the top of our wheelie bin if you please 44 00:05:52,167 --> 00:05:54,681 Mrs Blithery at number 25 nearly had a heart attack, 45 00:05:54,767 --> 00:05:57,520 thought we were leaving dead bodies out for the dustmen 46 00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:59,802 Just kids, I expect, playing pranks 47 00:05:59,887 --> 00:06:01,036 Pranks? 48 00:06:07,927 --> 00:06:12,045 It doesn't even work Look, it's got, ''What's the difference between'' 49 00:06:12,127 --> 00:06:15,278 And then it says we're both useless tossers 50 00:06:16,207 --> 00:06:18,767 How is that the difference? That's not the difference 51 00:06:18,847 --> 00:06:21,156 That's what we've got in common 52 00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:25,206 Now, if it said, ''Why is Victor Meldrew like a chef 53 00:06:25,287 --> 00:06:29,724 ''who keeps dropping his pancakes? Because we're both useless tossers,'' 54 00:06:29,807 --> 00:06:31,081 then it would work 55 00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:33,886 It'd be a proper joke then, but it doesn't 56 00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:35,923 I mean, it's not even logical 57 00:06:36,727 --> 00:06:39,799 They haven't even taken the trouble to think it through properly 58 00:06:39,887 --> 00:06:43,516 -before poking the bloody -Yes, all right! 59 00:06:44,927 --> 00:06:47,680 Can we drop it now, please? 60 00:06:50,647 --> 00:06:54,242 Don't know how many of these things are circulating out there, now do we? 61 00:06:55,727 --> 00:06:57,479 Evil little buggers 62 00:06:59,647 --> 00:07:02,844 Still haven't got over them sticking that live frog through the letter box 63 00:07:02,927 --> 00:07:04,326 Nor has the frog 64 00:07:05,647 --> 00:07:09,481 Wondered what it was croaking away in my bath water yesterday morning 65 00:07:10,327 --> 00:07:13,603 Thought at first it was that beans and toast I had for breakfast 66 00:07:16,127 --> 00:07:20,245 Yes, well, of course, most people would realise it was a frog as soon as they'd picked it up, 67 00:07:20,327 --> 00:07:25,003 instead of spending two minutes trying to squash it onto a new bar of Palmolive 68 00:07:30,527 --> 00:07:32,324 Is there a cup left in here for me? 69 00:07:32,407 --> 00:07:34,682 Oh, well, when you've finished with the Cadbury's fondue 70 00:07:35,327 --> 00:07:40,447 But it felt like a piece of soap in the water and I hadn't got my glasses on 71 00:07:42,247 --> 00:07:43,965 Anyway, how was your day? 72 00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:46,720 You're late back Buses up the creek again? 73 00:07:46,807 --> 00:07:48,479 I didn't come straight back 74 00:07:48,567 --> 00:07:52,446 I told you I was going to stop off to give old Mrs Tebbings another driving lesson 75 00:07:53,367 --> 00:07:56,598 Taking a bit of a risk, weren't you? Going out with her after dark 76 00:07:56,687 --> 00:07:59,599 Woman's got precious little sense of direction as it is 77 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,521 What's that supposed to mean? 78 00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:05,486 Well, how many people do you know who sit in the lavatory facing the cistern? 79 00:08:09,767 --> 00:08:14,477 It took six lessons to stop her putting her hands in front of her eyes whenever she went downhill 80 00:08:16,167 --> 00:08:19,523 All is well so long as she's happy to pay me a few quid 81 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,927 I suppose it gives her an interest in life 82 00:08:23,007 --> 00:08:25,805 Especially now her cat's getting a bit old and past it 83 00:08:26,967 --> 00:08:28,798 Now that its eyesight's going 84 00:08:30,087 --> 00:08:32,965 Chased a mouse upstairs into the bathroom last week, 85 00:08:33,047 --> 00:08:35,959 ended up nearly choking to death on a pumice stone 86 00:08:39,527 --> 00:08:42,246 She said she's thinking of getting it contact lenses 87 00:08:46,847 --> 00:08:49,919 Contact lenses? For a cat? 88 00:08:50,687 --> 00:08:52,723 How? What's she gonna do? 89 00:08:52,807 --> 00:08:55,719 Show it a chart with different sized tins of Whiskas on? 90 00:08:57,407 --> 00:09:00,444 Of course, you know the story, it wasn't even her cat in the first place 91 00:09:00,527 --> 00:09:04,202 It just turned up in her garden one day with a little metal disc in the collar saying, 92 00:09:04,287 --> 00:09:06,960 ''If found, please return to so and so at this address'' 93 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,402 -Know what she did? -Sent them back the collar 94 00:09:13,327 --> 00:09:16,125 If you've ever heard anything so daffy 95 00:09:22,127 --> 00:09:24,641 So, what are you thinking? 96 00:09:25,727 --> 00:09:27,319 Is it the Peugeot still? 97 00:09:28,287 --> 00:09:31,836 Or the Astra possibly I'm not sure 98 00:09:33,127 --> 00:09:36,483 God Three months, is it, now? 99 00:09:39,127 --> 00:09:43,723 I still can't believe anyone would steal your car outside a garden centre in Purley 100 00:09:45,487 --> 00:09:49,480 I know Just when I thought we were never gonna get rid of the bloody thing! 101 00:09:52,127 --> 00:09:56,325 Yes, it's been a complete disaster from the day we first bought it 102 00:09:56,407 --> 00:09:59,160 Never knew what was going to seize up next 103 00:09:59,247 --> 00:10:00,236 And then 104 00:10:00,327 --> 00:10:05,526 Oh, the bliss when we came out of that tea shop and discovered that some poor sod had nicked it 105 00:10:08,527 --> 00:10:12,315 It was like having a very unpleasant boil lanced 106 00:10:13,927 --> 00:10:15,565 Do you realise 107 00:10:18,047 --> 00:10:20,561 Do you realise that for the first time in our lives 108 00:10:20,647 --> 00:10:23,605 we're actually going to benefit from an insurance policy? 109 00:10:23,687 --> 00:10:24,722 (TELEPHONE RINGING) 110 00:10:24,807 --> 00:10:26,240 I'll get it 111 00:10:30,007 --> 00:10:31,520 (TYPING ON KEYBOARD) 112 00:10:33,687 --> 00:10:36,042 Are you nearly finished in there for tonight? 113 00:10:36,807 --> 00:10:39,401 Seven hours you've been at it now 114 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:44,525 I said don't you think it's time you were taking Denzil out for his walk? 115 00:10:46,007 --> 00:10:47,235 Oh 116 00:10:47,327 --> 00:10:50,285 Well, that's just perfect, isn't it? 117 00:10:51,927 --> 00:10:53,121 What's the problem? 118 00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:04,883 There are other things he needs to do out there besides walk, you know 119 00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:08,842 I'm not blowing this presentation to Leibnitz and Wang for anything 120 00:11:08,927 --> 00:11:12,317 If I get this contract, it could mean the difference between life and death 121 00:11:12,407 --> 00:11:16,844 We could drop the price on this house and move next door to something vaguely human 122 00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:19,487 Something that has a reflection in a mirror 123 00:11:19,607 --> 00:11:21,757 VICTOR: Oh, no! 124 00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:26,722 What What do you mean? 125 00:11:26,807 --> 00:11:30,402 This is the absolute bloody limit 126 00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:32,400 I mean 127 00:11:32,887 --> 00:11:34,525 For God's sake 128 00:11:34,767 --> 00:11:37,679 6:2 7 Early one tonight 129 00:11:38,207 --> 00:11:40,926 VICTOR: In the name of sanity! 130 00:11:41,687 --> 00:11:46,158 Oh! Tell me that I'm still asleep, that this is just a bad dream 131 00:11:46,327 --> 00:11:49,046 You're not asleep It's not a dream 132 00:11:49,127 --> 00:11:51,357 They've found our car! 133 00:11:53,927 --> 00:11:56,760 And it's not my bloody fault! 134 00:11:57,367 --> 00:12:00,518 After three months? Whereabouts? 135 00:12:02,247 --> 00:12:03,839 Whereabouts? 136 00:12:04,607 --> 00:12:05,722 Finland 137 00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:18,805 Are you stark raving mad? 138 00:12:19,687 --> 00:12:23,043 Finland? That car couldn't get to Finchley! 139 00:12:24,887 --> 00:12:28,357 What did they do? Tow it there with a team of reindeer? 140 00:12:29,047 --> 00:12:31,117 I'm just telling you what he said 141 00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:35,437 He said a local woodcutter found it abandoned in the middle of a forest 142 00:12:35,527 --> 00:12:38,519 still with our plants and boxes of Phostrogen on the back seat 143 00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:43,280 He said they've kept his name and address in case we want to give him a reward 144 00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:47,201 Give him a reward? I'll give him a bloody thick ear if I ever see him! 145 00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:53,284 Who would want to go to Finland in the first place? 146 00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:55,403 I don't know! 147 00:12:55,487 --> 00:12:58,320 Here, ring Judith Chalmers 148 00:12:59,407 --> 00:13:02,558 While I go and put your socks in the grill pan! 149 00:13:06,007 --> 00:13:07,440 Thank you 150 00:13:07,527 --> 00:13:12,043 Thank you, St Total Bastard, the patron saint of insurance companies 151 00:13:18,927 --> 00:13:21,043 I don't know why I bother 152 00:13:32,047 --> 00:13:33,844 Is it drivable still or what? 153 00:13:33,927 --> 00:13:36,487 Well, it's supposed to be, according to 154 00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:38,125 (EXCLAIMING) 155 00:13:39,207 --> 00:13:43,962 Look at this For crying out loud 156 00:13:45,887 --> 00:13:50,483 MARGARET: The man who sold it to us did say it was a very fast-growing variety 157 00:13:51,407 --> 00:13:53,318 Fast-growing variety? 158 00:13:54,127 --> 00:13:58,405 I mean, you think they'd have had the sense to prune it now and again Look at it 159 00:13:59,647 --> 00:14:03,196 Clings like bloody Super Glue, this stuff 160 00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:06,683 Yes, well, Patrick and Pippa have offered me a lift in So 161 00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:10,601 I think they're having lunch with one of his business clients or something 162 00:14:10,687 --> 00:14:12,678 Ready when you are, Margaret 163 00:14:13,607 --> 00:14:15,120 Coming 164 00:14:15,207 --> 00:14:17,926 -You need anything while I'm out? -Yes 165 00:14:18,007 --> 00:14:21,158 You can see if Halfords do a large and very hungry goat 166 00:14:26,887 --> 00:14:30,038 -Thanks a lot, Pippa That's just the job -You're very welcome 167 00:14:30,127 --> 00:14:33,164 Oh, Patrick, don't forget your presentation 168 00:14:33,847 --> 00:14:36,805 Oh, Margaret, I know what I meant to say 169 00:14:36,887 --> 00:14:40,436 I think I've got a pair of Y-fronts belonging to you at home 170 00:14:40,527 --> 00:14:43,564 They must have blown across into the garden the other night 171 00:14:43,647 --> 00:14:48,084 Thought when I was ironing them, I didn't think Patrick had a pair with a blue waistband 172 00:14:48,167 --> 00:14:50,840 Anyway, I put them to one side in the bedroom 173 00:14:50,927 --> 00:14:53,361 -Pop them round later, all right? -There's no rush 174 00:14:53,447 --> 00:14:56,007 Bye, then I hope it all goes well for you 175 00:14:58,527 --> 00:15:00,677 Look, is that them? 176 00:15:02,087 --> 00:15:04,043 A blue waistband? 177 00:15:04,687 --> 00:15:06,166 What's the matter with you? 178 00:15:07,247 --> 00:15:11,763 This is the mother of all nightmares you pray will never happen 179 00:15:12,327 --> 00:15:17,117 I'm about to go into the most important business meeting in my career 180 00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:19,641 wearing Victor Meldrew's underpants 181 00:15:20,607 --> 00:15:23,565 You what Oh, you didn't put 182 00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:26,605 Anyway, look 183 00:15:28,807 --> 00:15:31,082 -Come on, they've seen us -I can't move 184 00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:33,920 My entire genital area has gone into trauma 185 00:15:34,607 --> 00:15:38,964 For goodness sake, pull yourself together and remember who you're meeting 186 00:15:44,967 --> 00:15:48,482 This must be how John Hurt felt with that alien in his stomach 187 00:16:08,687 --> 00:16:10,120 Little buggers 188 00:16:19,007 --> 00:16:20,804 (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) 189 00:16:21,607 --> 00:16:24,326 Mrs Blithery, how are you today? 190 00:16:30,607 --> 00:16:31,801 (CAR HORN HONKING) 191 00:16:31,887 --> 00:16:33,161 (TYRES SCREECHING) 192 00:16:33,247 --> 00:16:35,044 (CRASHING) 193 00:16:38,687 --> 00:16:40,405 Bloody car 194 00:16:42,807 --> 00:16:45,162 Finland of all the places 195 00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:51,482 It's a wonder we haven't heard from the astronauts in the space shuttle 196 00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:52,966 ''Hello, Mr Meldrew 197 00:16:53,047 --> 00:16:56,642 ''We just found a D registration Honda up here orbiting the earth 198 00:16:56,727 --> 00:16:59,116 ''We think it might belong to you'' 199 00:17:00,247 --> 00:17:03,557 Oh, by the way, I forgot to say 200 00:17:03,887 --> 00:17:06,606 I solved the mystery of that practical joker 201 00:17:06,687 --> 00:17:08,917 You know, the rubber hand 202 00:17:09,007 --> 00:17:11,237 and the crackers and the frog and everything 203 00:17:11,327 --> 00:17:14,683 Apparently, it was that Mr Grimwade's children 204 00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:17,998 You know, two doors down from the post office Do you know them? 205 00:17:18,087 --> 00:17:20,555 I can't say as I do, no 206 00:17:20,647 --> 00:17:22,558 No, I didn't remember him 207 00:17:22,647 --> 00:17:25,764 Anyway, he came up to me in Asda's today 208 00:17:25,847 --> 00:17:29,317 and said he couldn't apologise enough for their behaviour 209 00:17:29,407 --> 00:17:32,604 and he was gonna make certain that it never happened again, 210 00:17:32,687 --> 00:17:34,917 which I thought was very decent of him 211 00:17:36,887 --> 00:17:38,605 Oh, no 212 00:17:42,367 --> 00:17:44,676 It depends if they take any notice 213 00:17:50,967 --> 00:17:55,245 We'll be finding severed heads under the rockery now, I expect, before long 214 00:17:55,487 --> 00:17:57,079 Ruddy vandals 215 00:17:59,487 --> 00:18:02,684 I thought the weatherman said it was gonna be a bit warmer tonight 216 00:18:04,607 --> 00:18:07,167 -What were you looking at? -Nothing 217 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,439 Where's my cup of tea? 218 00:18:09,527 --> 00:18:11,438 What were you looking at? 219 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:16,482 I think Mr and Mrs Aylesbury are having one of their parties 220 00:18:18,207 --> 00:18:21,040 Oh, no! 221 00:18:21,647 --> 00:18:24,366 (LOUD MUSIC PLAYING) 222 00:18:28,287 --> 00:18:30,482 Oh, God 223 00:18:31,247 --> 00:18:33,556 I can't take much more of this! 224 00:18:34,407 --> 00:18:37,160 2:30 in the morning 225 00:18:48,887 --> 00:18:50,843 (MUSIC STOPS) 226 00:19:03,327 --> 00:19:04,726 Ahh 227 00:19:05,487 --> 00:19:07,478 (THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING) 228 00:19:09,807 --> 00:19:13,277 Oh, in the name of mercy! 229 00:19:27,607 --> 00:19:29,723 (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS) 230 00:19:29,807 --> 00:19:33,163 God! Good God 231 00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:08,327 (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS) 232 00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:11,399 It's more than flesh and blood can stand! 233 00:20:12,647 --> 00:20:15,286 I don't know how on earth you can sleep through it 234 00:20:15,367 --> 00:20:17,676 Margaret? Margaret! 235 00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:19,086 What? 236 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,842 I was just getting off then 237 00:20:22,927 --> 00:20:26,681 Not an ounce of consideration for anyone but themselves 238 00:20:26,847 --> 00:20:30,123 Look at that There's half a dozen of them on the front lawn now 239 00:20:30,207 --> 00:20:32,357 doing Chuck Berry duck walks 240 00:20:33,127 --> 00:20:34,606 Shut up! 241 00:20:34,687 --> 00:20:36,803 Oh, come back to bed 242 00:20:38,287 --> 00:20:41,836 No one else in this street is remotely bothered, only us 243 00:20:42,247 --> 00:20:43,885 (SIGHS LOUDLY) 244 00:20:45,887 --> 00:20:48,355 Oh, hang on Here's one that's got away 245 00:20:48,447 --> 00:20:52,599 I'm gonna have that Come here, matey That's got you! 246 00:20:53,447 --> 00:20:55,517 Now where's that safety pin? 247 00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:01,720 That's made you feel a whole lot better, has it? 248 00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:04,444 Very slightly, yes 249 00:21:05,567 --> 00:21:10,482 It's getting on for 3:00 They can't go on for much longer 250 00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:14,446 Another half hour and they'll all have packed up and gone home 251 00:21:14,567 --> 00:21:17,161 Just have a bit of patience 252 00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:25,007 (GUESTS LAUGHING ALONG WITH CHORUS) 253 00:21:34,207 --> 00:21:36,004 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 254 00:21:37,447 --> 00:21:39,563 Don't tell me they've stopped 255 00:21:43,007 --> 00:21:45,202 9:30 in the morning 256 00:21:46,087 --> 00:21:49,284 I can't have had more than an hour's sleep in the entire night 257 00:21:49,727 --> 00:21:52,161 Well, at least it's Sunday today 258 00:21:52,887 --> 00:21:56,846 We've no reason to get up before lunch time Just be thankful for that 259 00:21:58,247 --> 00:21:59,521 That's a nice thought 260 00:22:05,007 --> 00:22:06,486 (TELEPHONE RINGING) 261 00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:14,486 4291 262 00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:16,603 MAN: Good morning. Mr Meldrew? 263 00:22:17,647 --> 00:22:18,796 Speaking 264 00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:21,605 It's Mr Foskett 265 00:22:21,687 --> 00:22:23,200 Oh, you're joking? 266 00:22:23,287 --> 00:22:25,881 Here's a memory test for you, Mr Meldrew. 267 00:22:25,967 --> 00:22:29,516 I wonder if you can cast your mind back over 1 7 years 268 00:22:29,607 --> 00:22:32,838 to Mrs Mosley's guesthouse in Western-Super-Mare? 269 00:22:32,927 --> 00:22:36,283 And I wonder if you remember the small man with the moustache 270 00:22:36,367 --> 00:22:40,155 who had to walk through your bedroom every night to get to the toilet? 271 00:22:40,247 --> 00:22:42,522 1 7 years ago last summer it was. 272 00:22:42,607 --> 00:22:45,758 How about if I say the name Mr Foskett? 273 00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:51,680 Mr Foskett, fancy hearing from you after all this time 274 00:22:51,807 --> 00:22:55,516 Well, you said if I was ever in the vicinity to be sure to look you up so... 275 00:22:56,047 --> 00:22:57,036 Yes 276 00:22:57,127 --> 00:23:00,483 Obviously I wouldn't just descend on you without giving you a ring first. 277 00:23:00,567 --> 00:23:04,401 No, no, so where are you at the moment? 278 00:23:04,487 --> 00:23:06,398 I'm outside your front door. 279 00:23:07,807 --> 00:23:11,038 Yes, I'm on the mobile. They're wonderful things, aren't they? 280 00:23:11,127 --> 00:23:12,355 (DOORBELL RINGING) 281 00:23:12,447 --> 00:23:14,836 Oh, sorry, I just knocked your doorbell. 282 00:23:14,927 --> 00:23:17,236 He's here He's outside 283 00:23:17,727 --> 00:23:22,323 Yes. I thought I better give him a buzz first, make sure he's still alive. 284 00:23:22,407 --> 00:23:24,079 He'll not thank me otherwise... 285 00:23:24,167 --> 00:23:28,399 Yes, hang on a minute, Mr Foskett We'll be right down 286 00:23:29,327 --> 00:23:32,717 That's all we needed Where are my trousers? 287 00:23:33,167 --> 00:23:36,318 What are we? Cursed this bloody weekend? 288 00:23:43,087 --> 00:23:47,000 Mr Foskett, as I live and breathe Are you well? 289 00:23:47,087 --> 00:23:49,396 You're sure I've not caught you at an awkward moment or anything? 290 00:23:49,487 --> 00:23:51,125 My God You lost some hair 291 00:23:51,207 --> 00:23:54,199 Still, we've all of us changed, haven't we? There's me now, the father of two 292 00:23:54,287 --> 00:23:55,800 Can you believe it? 293 00:23:55,887 --> 00:23:58,321 Sometimes, you know, I do believe Mrs Meldrew 294 00:23:58,407 --> 00:24:02,639 -Remember me? Face from the past -Mr Foskett My gosh 295 00:24:03,247 --> 00:24:05,807 Well, come on, Victor, are we going to let them in? 296 00:24:05,887 --> 00:24:09,004 Oh, yes Yes, in you come 297 00:24:10,927 --> 00:24:12,042 That's it 298 00:24:13,207 --> 00:24:16,517 I was just saying I can't imagine being without them now 299 00:24:16,607 --> 00:24:20,282 Young David and Martin They really light up my life 300 00:24:20,527 --> 00:24:23,997 They give me Oh, I don't know, such a sense of purpose, 301 00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:26,123 a fulfilment that words can't express 302 00:24:27,287 --> 00:24:31,758 Yes, well, why don't I go and make some coffee? 303 00:24:32,727 --> 00:24:35,241 Have you had any breakfast at all yet? 304 00:24:40,007 --> 00:24:42,316 Since we were down here visiting my wife's sister, 305 00:24:42,407 --> 00:24:45,843 who's just moved into a little cottage in Wigston Parva, just off the 51 20, 306 00:24:45,927 --> 00:24:48,122 I don't know if you know it Anyway, I thought, why not? 307 00:24:48,207 --> 00:24:49,640 Of course, you hesitate at first 308 00:24:49,727 --> 00:24:51,957 'cause people don't always wanna see you after 1 7 years 309 00:24:52,047 --> 00:24:55,357 For all I know, you may be praying you never set eyes on me again 310 00:24:58,887 --> 00:25:02,721 I think it's nice if you can meet up with people, don't you? However long it's been 311 00:25:02,807 --> 00:25:06,846 Oh, by the way, that address you gave me doesn't actually exist 312 00:25:10,967 --> 00:25:12,844 I thought that a bit odd at first, but 313 00:25:12,927 --> 00:25:15,725 Well, I expect I must have copied it down wrong somewhere along the line 314 00:25:15,807 --> 00:25:19,163 Anyway, thank goodness for the old phone book, eh? 'Cause here I am 315 00:25:19,247 --> 00:25:23,206 So, how you been keeping? You still got that job on the security desk? 316 00:25:23,287 --> 00:25:24,606 No As a matter of fact 317 00:25:24,687 --> 00:25:27,963 Of course, it was just after that summer holiday that my wife left me 318 00:25:28,047 --> 00:25:29,958 Penelope, for another man 319 00:25:30,047 --> 00:25:33,483 To say I couldn't deal with it, oh, that's the understatement of all time 320 00:25:33,567 --> 00:25:36,240 You know that feeling when the world just seems to stop turning? 321 00:25:36,327 --> 00:25:38,602 I lost me job, was on all sorts of medication, 322 00:25:38,687 --> 00:25:41,759 and in the space of three years I tried to kill meself 1 3 times, 323 00:25:41,847 --> 00:25:43,838 which I won't depress you with now 324 00:25:44,727 --> 00:25:47,446 Six attempted overdoses, two exhaust jobs, 325 00:25:47,527 --> 00:25:51,156 three times I tried to jump off the roof, but they always talked me down 326 00:25:51,247 --> 00:25:54,637 I expect that begs the question of how serious you are 327 00:25:54,727 --> 00:25:58,163 and, of course, I won't show you the scars on me wrist Look at that 328 00:25:59,647 --> 00:26:01,797 Actually it's a miracle I survived 329 00:26:01,887 --> 00:26:05,880 Anyway, one day in she walked, the new love of my life 330 00:26:05,967 --> 00:26:10,119 Loretta We got married, had two of the loveliest children on this earth 331 00:26:10,207 --> 00:26:12,243 I can't believe what it's done for me 332 00:26:12,327 --> 00:26:15,524 It's a shame that she's got a migraine today I'd love you to see her sometime 333 00:26:15,607 --> 00:26:19,998 Anyway, enough of my life story What's been happening to you all this while? 334 00:26:20,647 --> 00:26:24,435 -Ah, well -Oh, that was a funny old place, wasn't it? 335 00:26:24,607 --> 00:26:26,837 That guesthouse 336 00:26:26,927 --> 00:26:30,681 Do you remember that mynah bird that used to impersonate Kenneth Wolstenholme? 337 00:26:31,087 --> 00:26:33,123 which, of course, is quite a turn-up for the books, 338 00:26:33,207 --> 00:26:36,244 after 46 years to find you're allergic to Sellotape 339 00:26:37,367 --> 00:26:40,882 So, then they had to transfer me to the invoicing department 340 00:26:40,967 --> 00:26:43,686 where I stayed for another seven months and that was that 341 00:26:43,767 --> 00:26:47,965 I didn't really mind when the time came I've never been short of outside interest 342 00:26:48,047 --> 00:26:52,120 And, of course, my passion for antique dentures remains undiminished 343 00:26:52,207 --> 00:26:54,801 Are there anymore of those jam tarts? 344 00:26:54,887 --> 00:26:56,843 Hmm? What? Oh Hang on 345 00:26:57,527 --> 00:27:00,087 Healthy old appetite they've got for their age, haven't they? 346 00:27:00,167 --> 00:27:03,443 Yes, I think it must be nigh on 300 pairs I have now 347 00:27:04,127 --> 00:27:05,924 It's been a long while since I counted them last 348 00:27:06,007 --> 00:27:10,285 -Sorry? -My collection of false teeth 349 00:27:10,847 --> 00:27:13,202 I don't suppose that's something that interests you 350 00:27:13,287 --> 00:27:15,198 Bit of an obscure hobby, really 351 00:27:15,287 --> 00:27:18,597 Yes No I mean, no, no, no, it sounds absolutely fascinating 352 00:27:18,767 --> 00:27:24,080 Yeah, well, the oldest set I've got dates back to the 1 830s 353 00:27:24,167 --> 00:27:26,965 and belonged, we think, to an Italian nobleman 354 00:27:27,047 --> 00:27:29,607 who had a rather unusual contour to his upper palate 355 00:27:30,167 --> 00:27:34,240 Perhaps if you've got an afternoon free, you'd like to come up and have a look 356 00:27:34,327 --> 00:27:37,205 Yeah, that would be a treat indeed, Mr Foskett 357 00:27:38,487 --> 00:27:43,515 -Actually, I don't want to be slightly rude -Oh, my goodness me, is that the time? 358 00:27:44,127 --> 00:27:48,040 Oh, talk about outstaying your welcome When I go rattling on, I don't know 359 00:27:48,127 --> 00:27:50,482 Yes, that's all right 360 00:27:50,847 --> 00:27:52,724 I just have to make a quick phone call, if I may, 361 00:27:52,807 --> 00:27:55,719 to see how Loretta and the boys are getting on and then I'll be on my way 362 00:27:55,807 --> 00:27:57,638 -Yes, right -Right 363 00:27:59,727 --> 00:28:01,479 (SIGHING) 364 00:28:08,367 --> 00:28:09,880 What did you say? 365 00:28:10,047 --> 00:28:12,402 -Sorry? -Loretta and the boys? 366 00:28:12,727 --> 00:28:17,437 Yes, my two sons, David and Martin I mentioned them earlier Don't you remember? 367 00:28:17,527 --> 00:28:21,236 Well, yes, but they're in there surely 368 00:28:21,567 --> 00:28:23,285 What, my two sons? 369 00:28:23,367 --> 00:28:26,518 No! My boys are only three and four 370 00:28:26,607 --> 00:28:29,883 I hope they've got better table manners than those two 371 00:28:29,967 --> 00:28:33,642 Well, I assumed You mean, they're not your grandchildren? 372 00:28:35,527 --> 00:28:37,358 Grandchildren? 373 00:28:42,967 --> 00:28:46,880 You two! Who the bloody hell are you, for goodness sakes? 374 00:28:46,967 --> 00:28:48,844 -Ian Grimwade -Neil Grimwade 375 00:28:49,247 --> 00:28:52,239 -Grimwade? -What the hell are you doing in my house? 376 00:28:52,447 --> 00:28:54,039 Dad told us to come round 377 00:28:54,127 --> 00:28:57,437 He said we had to apologise for freaking you out with the frog 378 00:28:57,527 --> 00:28:59,404 and the snowman and all that 379 00:28:59,487 --> 00:29:01,682 You've eaten half the food in our larder! 380 00:29:02,167 --> 00:29:03,919 You gave it to us 381 00:29:04,007 --> 00:29:06,760 Get out! Go on, you greedy little gannets 382 00:29:07,087 --> 00:29:10,397 Coming round here like a swarm of army ants 383 00:29:10,487 --> 00:29:11,920 Get out! Get out! 384 00:29:12,247 --> 00:29:13,680 Can we have our hand back? 385 00:29:13,767 --> 00:29:16,201 You'll get my hand if I ever see you round here again 386 00:29:16,287 --> 00:29:20,200 And you can keep away from our garage in future as well while you're at it! 387 00:29:20,287 --> 00:29:22,198 You miserable old git! 388 00:29:22,527 --> 00:29:25,644 Don't go in there for a minute I'll get that dustpan 389 00:29:30,687 --> 00:29:33,121 Something the matter? You all right? 390 00:29:33,847 --> 00:29:35,246 She's gone 391 00:29:36,007 --> 00:29:38,316 Gone? Gone where? 392 00:29:39,367 --> 00:29:42,484 She's left me She didn't say where 393 00:29:43,607 --> 00:29:47,680 Just told her sister to tell me that it wasn't working anymore 394 00:29:49,007 --> 00:29:51,726 and the boys would be better off without me 395 00:29:53,127 --> 00:29:55,516 She didn't have a migraine after all 396 00:29:58,687 --> 00:29:59,836 Sorry 397 00:30:00,927 --> 00:30:02,918 Are you okay? You look a bit faint 398 00:30:03,007 --> 00:30:04,998 No, I'm fine 399 00:30:05,087 --> 00:30:07,521 I'll just have a glass of water, if I may 400 00:30:14,847 --> 00:30:16,644 (CRASHING) 401 00:30:25,927 --> 00:30:29,124 I was wondering if we should ring for a taxi or something 402 00:30:29,207 --> 00:30:30,879 Is he out of the bath yet? 403 00:30:31,527 --> 00:30:35,156 I think he must be having a good soak up there I thought it best not to disturb him 404 00:30:35,247 --> 00:30:36,566 I suppose 405 00:30:37,127 --> 00:30:39,243 -He hasn't locked the bathroom door? -Why? 406 00:30:40,407 --> 00:30:43,763 The man's tried to kill himself 1 3 times as it is 407 00:30:44,127 --> 00:30:45,879 A thing like this I mean 408 00:30:45,967 --> 00:30:48,800 Well, you could see how close to the edge he was 409 00:30:49,567 --> 00:30:51,478 What if he gets in the medicine cabinet? 410 00:30:51,567 --> 00:30:54,127 Oh, for goodness sake You've been watching too many soap operas 411 00:30:54,207 --> 00:30:57,438 What's he gonna do? Hang himself with some dental floss? 412 00:31:18,167 --> 00:31:19,520 VICTOR: God 413 00:31:20,367 --> 00:31:22,278 Don't move! 414 00:31:24,607 --> 00:31:28,043 Just stay perfectly still! 415 00:31:30,447 --> 00:31:32,358 There's no point, Mr Meldrew 416 00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:34,763 There's no point anymore 417 00:31:35,367 --> 00:31:39,121 Just stop, just for a second, 418 00:31:39,207 --> 00:31:40,879 while we talk about this 419 00:31:44,927 --> 00:31:47,487 (WHISPERING) I'll phone the fire brigade 420 00:31:53,527 --> 00:31:55,836 (SCREAMING) 421 00:31:56,127 --> 00:31:58,595 River Bank Yes 422 00:31:59,487 --> 00:32:03,321 I don't know It sounds as if we may be too late already 423 00:32:14,207 --> 00:32:16,323 Try not to move 424 00:32:16,687 --> 00:32:19,485 Get the ladder I'm coming back 425 00:32:30,327 --> 00:32:32,045 Please hurry! 426 00:32:34,687 --> 00:32:39,283 And with the cost of office space these days, it means a considerable saving in overhead, 427 00:32:39,407 --> 00:32:43,286 which I am more than delighted to reflect in my proposed fee 428 00:32:43,367 --> 00:32:44,959 Anyway, 429 00:32:45,047 --> 00:32:46,685 here we are 430 00:32:46,767 --> 00:32:52,239 If you are agreeable, the nerve centre for the new auditor of Leibnitz and Wang 431 00:32:53,407 --> 00:32:55,318 Do either of you have any questions? 432 00:33:19,807 --> 00:33:21,160 No? Fine 433 00:33:21,247 --> 00:33:24,717 Well, let me take you back down, then, and give you both a top-up 434 00:33:37,327 --> 00:33:39,636 Did you bring that bag in with the chicken? 435 00:33:39,727 --> 00:33:41,160 I did, yes 436 00:33:41,607 --> 00:33:44,565 -Did you lock the car up afterwards? -I didn't, no 437 00:33:44,647 --> 00:33:46,558 Did you remember to leave the keys in the ignition? 438 00:33:46,647 --> 00:33:48,205 I did, yes 439 00:33:50,087 --> 00:33:54,000 God knows why people keep bringing the bloody things back 440 00:33:54,087 --> 00:33:57,318 ''Excuse me Did you know you left your keys in the car? 441 00:33:57,407 --> 00:34:00,240 ''Someone could easily steal it like that, you know'' 442 00:34:00,327 --> 00:34:02,124 Chance would be a fine thing 443 00:34:03,687 --> 00:34:05,245 What's that? 444 00:34:05,847 --> 00:34:09,237 Someone tried to deliver a parcel apparently They've left it next door 445 00:34:17,527 --> 00:34:19,040 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 446 00:34:28,967 --> 00:34:32,118 Ah, Mr Meldrew Are you well? 447 00:34:33,447 --> 00:34:36,519 I gather that you've got a package for us? 448 00:34:36,607 --> 00:34:40,316 Hmm Oh, yes Yes, now, where did I put that now? 449 00:34:40,407 --> 00:34:42,159 In this drawer here? 450 00:34:42,807 --> 00:34:44,798 Oh, no No, that's not it, is it? 451 00:34:44,927 --> 00:34:48,522 No, that's the letter I received this morning from Leibnitz and Wang, 452 00:34:48,607 --> 00:34:52,839 the company which I had dared hope might put a rather lucrative business deal my way 453 00:34:52,927 --> 00:34:58,001 That is, of course, until they popped round last Sunday to finalise one or two details 454 00:34:58,087 --> 00:35:03,286 and were somewhat taken aback not so much by the hideous sight of a naked man 455 00:35:03,367 --> 00:35:06,837 dangling outside my office window, as by the hideous sight of 456 00:35:06,927 --> 00:35:09,395 what was dangling from the naked man 457 00:35:11,167 --> 00:35:15,524 Following which, in time-honoured fashion, they said that they would let me know 458 00:35:15,607 --> 00:35:20,635 And lo and behold, this morning they did 459 00:35:21,887 --> 00:35:25,038 Still, never mind, as they say 460 00:35:25,167 --> 00:35:28,443 Now if I could just make one small suggestion, 461 00:35:28,527 --> 00:35:31,121 perhaps a stronger lock on the door of your laboratory 462 00:35:31,207 --> 00:35:33,277 might stop them escaping next time 463 00:35:35,407 --> 00:35:37,398 Yes, I'm sorry if 464 00:35:37,487 --> 00:35:39,318 Oh, I remember The front room 465 00:35:39,407 --> 00:35:40,840 Almost forgot 466 00:35:41,127 --> 00:35:42,765 PATRICK: Ah, yes Here we are 467 00:35:43,967 --> 00:35:46,765 I thought it might be a new consignment of human organs or something 468 00:35:46,847 --> 00:35:48,439 so I kept it in the hall 469 00:35:49,847 --> 00:35:51,200 Manage that all right? 470 00:35:51,287 --> 00:35:55,326 -Yeah Thank you very much -No No, thank you very much, Mr Meldrew 471 00:36:02,087 --> 00:36:06,603 I think warped is the word that springs to mind 472 00:36:06,887 --> 00:36:09,685 You deliberately let him think they turned you down 473 00:36:09,767 --> 00:36:11,758 just to make him feel awful 474 00:36:19,727 --> 00:36:20,796 Yes 475 00:36:29,327 --> 00:36:31,557 MARGARET: What on earth 476 00:36:31,807 --> 00:36:34,162 Ermhang on a minute 477 00:36:35,327 --> 00:36:36,362 (VICTOR GROANING) 478 00:36:36,447 --> 00:36:38,165 What the hell is it? 479 00:36:38,767 --> 00:36:42,123 -You didn't send away for anything, did you? -There's a letter here 480 00:36:42,207 --> 00:36:45,483 The post mark's all smudged You can't see where it's from 481 00:36:50,487 --> 00:36:53,684 ''Dear Mr Meldrew, we would like to inform'' 482 00:36:54,727 --> 00:36:56,365 Oh, it's from 483 00:36:57,047 --> 00:36:58,480 Oh, no 484 00:36:59,567 --> 00:37:01,364 It's Mr Foskett 485 00:37:03,767 --> 00:37:07,601 After he left here on Sunday, you remember? With that police officer 486 00:37:07,687 --> 00:37:11,521 They took him back to the station for a cup of tea to try and calm him down 487 00:37:11,607 --> 00:37:16,681 It says, ''About 8:30, he left the interview room to go to the toilet 488 00:37:16,767 --> 00:37:20,999 ''and threw himself out of the window on the seventh floor 489 00:37:23,167 --> 00:37:26,603 ''Prior to that, apart from the break-up of his marriage, 490 00:37:26,687 --> 00:37:30,043 ''the only thing he talked about was how kind and generous you and your wife 491 00:37:30,127 --> 00:37:31,879 ''had been to him that day 492 00:37:31,967 --> 00:37:35,562 ''and how nice it was to think you were so genuinely pleased to see him 493 00:37:35,647 --> 00:37:37,922 ''after all those years 494 00:37:38,607 --> 00:37:42,361 ''Before he died in hospital, he asked if we could arrange 495 00:37:42,447 --> 00:37:45,917 ''for the enclosed to be passed on to you as it was something you had expressed 496 00:37:46,007 --> 00:37:48,601 ''such a fascination for when you last spoke to him'' 497 00:38:11,967 --> 00:38:14,037 I suppose you can see why they do it 498 00:38:14,727 --> 00:38:19,357 The people across the road just spend all night laughing 499 00:38:21,967 --> 00:38:25,084 But the only thing you can do to stay sane 500 00:38:26,127 --> 00:38:27,765 is laugh 501 00:38:27,847 --> 00:38:29,121 Yes 502 00:38:30,607 --> 00:38:33,167 See the funny side of things 503 00:38:33,887 --> 00:38:34,876 Yes 504 00:38:37,687 --> 00:38:42,442 I mean, if we couldn't laugh at all this, we'd be committing suicide 505 00:38:43,327 --> 00:38:44,396 Yes 506 00:38:51,847 --> 00:38:53,917 Where are the sleeping tablets? 507 00:38:55,047 --> 00:38:56,799 In the cupboard by my bed 508 00:38:59,367 --> 00:39:00,436 Right 509 00:39:06,967 --> 00:39:09,117 (THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN PLAYING) 510 00:39:15,767 --> 00:39:19,521 # So if you chance to meet him when walking round the town 511 00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:23,441 #Just shake him by his fat old hand and give him half a crown 512 00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:27,236 # His eyes will beam and sparkle He'll gurgle with delight 513 00:39:27,327 --> 00:39:31,206 #And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might # 514 00:39:31,256 --> 00:39:35,806 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42361

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