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1
00:00:01,888 --> 00:00:05,198
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,368 --> 00:00:08,678
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:08,848 --> 00:00:12,204
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,368 --> 00:00:15,644
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:19,721
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:19,888 --> 00:00:23,039
# Fading away, but I'm not yet expired
7
00:00:23,208 --> 00:00:27,201
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,368 --> 00:00:29,677
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:45,008 --> 00:00:47,602
Try counting something.
10
00:00:47,768 --> 00:00:49,565
Yes.
11
00:00:49,728 --> 00:00:52,322
I'll try counting my blessings.
12
00:00:53,448 --> 00:00:56,042
well, that didn't take very long.
13
00:00:58,088 --> 00:01:01,876
Bloody fitted sheets. They never stay put.
14
00:01:02,048 --> 00:01:07,247
Look at this. Three times I've wiped my nose
in this, thinking it was a handkerchief.
15
00:01:08,888 --> 00:01:12,085
If make the bed tomorrow, I'll use a staple gun.
16
00:01:17,168 --> 00:01:19,966
I've got a stomach ache now.
17
00:01:20,128 --> 00:01:23,916
- whereabouts?
- whereabouts? In my left earlobe (!)
18
00:01:25,128 --> 00:01:27,847
And I feel sick into the bargain.
19
00:01:28,008 --> 00:01:30,397
I know what that is.
20
00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:34,561
It'll be that dodgy pasta
we had at your mother's last night.
21
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,526
we knew we were in for a voyage of adventure
22
00:01:37,688 --> 00:01:41,681
when she phoned up and told us
to bring a decent pair of secateurs.
23
00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:45,322
She doesn't speak a word of Italian.
24
00:01:45,488 --> 00:01:50,278
working from that old magazine cutting
with a list of ingredients.
25
00:01:50,448 --> 00:01:54,043
Turned out to be the cast list
of ''The Godfather''.
26
00:01:55,968 --> 00:01:59,358
I shudder to think what she must have put in it.
27
00:02:00,448 --> 00:02:04,839
Parmesan cheese and a horse's head,
judging by the taste.
28
00:02:06,448 --> 00:02:09,804
Spaghetti Al Pacino. Ugh!
29
00:02:09,968 --> 00:02:12,926
Give your brain a rest
30
00:02:13,088 --> 00:02:16,080
and then perhaps you might drift off.
31
00:02:16,248 --> 00:02:19,843
Make your mind a complete blank.
32
00:02:20,008 --> 00:02:21,999
I suppose.
33
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:31,446
what's that film where, when you go to sleep,
34
00:02:31,608 --> 00:02:36,602
a man with spiky fingers comes through the wall
and starts slashing your face to bits?
35
00:02:36,768 --> 00:02:39,077
''A Bridge Too Far''.
36
00:02:39,248 --> 00:02:41,045
Is it?
37
00:02:41,208 --> 00:02:44,996
- No, more recent than that.
- Hardy Kruger.
38
00:02:46,568 --> 00:02:48,160
Oh.
39
00:02:56,248 --> 00:02:58,557
(wHISPERS) Are you asleep?
40
00:03:01,368 --> 00:03:03,677
Are you asleep?
41
00:03:04,968 --> 00:03:07,436
Margaret!
42
00:03:10,848 --> 00:03:13,840
I'll buy one of those sweaters
that Noel Edmonds wears.
43
00:03:14,008 --> 00:03:16,397
You do, and I'll kill myself.
44
00:03:16,568 --> 00:03:19,162
- (TwANG)
- what was that?
45
00:03:19,328 --> 00:03:21,922
- Did you hear that?
- what?
46
00:03:22,088 --> 00:03:24,477
That strange hooting sound.
47
00:03:24,648 --> 00:03:27,481
Probably Mrs Stebbings down the corner.
48
00:03:31,848 --> 00:03:37,764
No, it's that baby owl I told you about
the other night, perched on the telephone wires.
49
00:03:37,928 --> 00:03:40,886
Look at him, perched right over my car roof.
50
00:03:41,968 --> 00:03:44,482
You just dare, matey boy.
51
00:03:45,528 --> 00:03:47,917
He's thinking about it. You can tell.
52
00:03:48,088 --> 00:03:52,525
He will do if you keep staring at him.
You'll make him nervous.
53
00:03:52,688 --> 00:03:56,681
why don't they spatter someone else's car?
why is it always mine?
54
00:03:56,848 --> 00:04:02,241
He is going to, too. Look at him. He's getting
into position. He's shifting himself around.
55
00:04:03,288 --> 00:04:06,485
Any second now he's definitely going to...
56
00:04:06,648 --> 00:04:09,446
- There.
- (ALARM)
57
00:04:09,608 --> 00:04:11,121
Oh!
58
00:04:11,288 --> 00:04:13,882
I don't believe it!
59
00:04:14,048 --> 00:04:17,404
They're supposed to have fixed this thing.
60
00:04:17,568 --> 00:04:19,320
(ALARM OFF)
61
00:04:19,488 --> 00:04:23,481
That's twice I've had to take that back now
because it was too sensitive.
62
00:04:24,408 --> 00:04:27,605
Can't tell me there isn't
something wrong somewhere
63
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,965
when your car alarm's set off
by a bird dropping.
64
00:04:32,608 --> 00:04:35,076
well, that's their rations finished with.
65
00:04:35,248 --> 00:04:39,036
Any more stale pieces of toast
now go into the dustbin.
66
00:04:43,248 --> 00:04:47,036
- what's this packet of Bisto doing in here?
- what?
67
00:04:47,208 --> 00:04:50,996
what's this packet of Bisto
doing in the medicine cabinet?
68
00:04:51,168 --> 00:04:54,763
How do I know what it's doing?
I can't even see it.
69
00:04:56,248 --> 00:04:58,443
(FLUSHING)
70
00:04:59,448 --> 00:05:03,236
Ring that garage in the morning.
That'll be the first job.
71
00:05:03,408 --> 00:05:06,127
why is nothing in life ever simple?
72
00:05:07,088 --> 00:05:09,682
what is it that makes that last teaspoon
73
00:05:09,848 --> 00:05:14,046
cling for dear life to the bottom
of the washing-up bowl every night?
74
00:05:14,208 --> 00:05:18,599
when you pour the water away,
even if you haven't used a bloody teaspoon,
75
00:05:18,768 --> 00:05:21,236
there's always one appears from somewhere.
76
00:05:22,608 --> 00:05:24,803
will you just...
77
00:05:24,968 --> 00:05:27,163
go to sleep?
78
00:05:29,688 --> 00:05:32,202
Mysteries of the universe.
79
00:05:34,608 --> 00:05:36,917
Time and space.
80
00:05:38,968 --> 00:05:41,277
Life and death.
81
00:05:43,128 --> 00:05:47,679
Mike Hope and Albie Keen.
Never did hear any more about them.
82
00:05:49,888 --> 00:05:51,685
Time.
83
00:05:52,608 --> 00:05:55,076
when you think about it,
84
00:05:55,248 --> 00:05:58,046
nothing ever exists, in fact.
85
00:05:58,208 --> 00:06:04,204
I worked this out in the post office as I waited
for that woman to finish twanging elastic bands.
86
00:06:05,648 --> 00:06:09,163
The future doesn't exist
because it hasn't happened yet.
87
00:06:09,328 --> 00:06:12,638
The past doesn't exist
because it's already over.
88
00:06:12,808 --> 00:06:18,599
The present doesn't exist because as soon as
you think about it, it's already in the past...
89
00:06:20,168 --> 00:06:22,636
..which doesn't exist any more.
90
00:06:23,768 --> 00:06:29,764
Like that moment just then when I said that.
That's already in the past. Gone for ever.
91
00:06:32,728 --> 00:06:36,118
And so is that,
when I just said, ''Gone for ever.''
92
00:06:37,888 --> 00:06:42,882
And so is that, when I said, ''And so is that.''
That's gone for ever now as well.
93
00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:52,204
So is that. when I said, ''That's gone for ever
now as well,'' that's gone for ever now as well.
94
00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:55,087
Oh, for God's sake!
95
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,445
will you shut up, Victor?
96
00:07:00,088 --> 00:07:04,684
Jabbering on there all the while
like a rabid parrot!
97
00:07:09,408 --> 00:07:12,878
Now I'm wide awake. Thank you very much (!)
98
00:07:14,288 --> 00:07:18,167
what time is it?
Are we in the Single European Market yet?
99
00:07:22,168 --> 00:07:24,557
Quarter past three.
100
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:35,963
Finish this crossword.
That usually sends me off.
101
00:07:39,288 --> 00:07:43,486
Saw an old friend of yours today.
Came into the shop with a wilting hibiscus.
102
00:07:43,648 --> 00:07:46,640
Charlie Masefield.
103
00:07:46,808 --> 00:07:48,605
Oh, yes.
104
00:07:48,768 --> 00:07:51,760
I haven't seen him in ages.
How's he getting on?
105
00:07:51,928 --> 00:07:54,522
- He's fine.
- Did he ask how I was?
106
00:07:54,688 --> 00:07:56,087
No.
107
00:07:58,128 --> 00:08:00,323
well, not as such.
108
00:08:00,488 --> 00:08:02,956
what do you mean, not as such?
109
00:08:04,448 --> 00:08:08,407
well, he seemed to be under the impression
you were dead.
110
00:08:11,968 --> 00:08:14,846
In fact, we had quite an argument about it.
111
00:08:16,728 --> 00:08:21,927
He was absolutely convinced you died last year,
during wimbledon fortnight.
112
00:08:22,088 --> 00:08:27,958
He said it was the same day Jimmy Connors
got knocked out, so he was doubly shocked.
113
00:08:28,128 --> 00:08:34,283
I said, ''No, you must be getting him mixed up
with someone else.'' But he wouldn't have it.
114
00:08:34,448 --> 00:08:39,442
People that age, they get something
into their head and they won't budge.
115
00:08:39,608 --> 00:08:45,046
He remembered you'd asked to have your ashes
scattered across the floor in Allied Carpets.
116
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,523
Get your own back.
117
00:08:51,528 --> 00:08:55,840
To be honest, I think he's going a bit...
You know.
118
00:08:56,008 --> 00:08:58,522
So, just to keep the peace, I agreed with him.
119
00:08:58,688 --> 00:09:03,284
I said, ''Now you come to mention it,
you're right, he IS dead.''
120
00:09:03,448 --> 00:09:06,246
He went off then, happy as a sandboy.
121
00:09:08,128 --> 00:09:11,916
Oh, and then...
Talk about an afternoon for characters.
122
00:09:12,088 --> 00:09:16,161
we had Broad Maud come in just after lunch
with all her latest problems.
123
00:09:16,328 --> 00:09:21,118
Broad Maud? Is she the one that always
carries her own toilet seat about with her?
124
00:09:21,288 --> 00:09:23,677
In a Tesco's carrier bag.
125
00:09:23,848 --> 00:09:26,646
Frightened stiff of public lavatories.
126
00:09:26,808 --> 00:09:29,800
Frightened stiff of everything.
127
00:09:29,968 --> 00:09:34,439
Takes it all to heart, everything she reads
in the papers and sees on the news.
128
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:37,805
Salmonella, listeria, poisonous algae,
129
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:41,961
the man-eating fungus
that comes up through the drains.
130
00:09:42,128 --> 00:09:44,084
Man-eating fungus?
131
00:09:44,248 --> 00:09:48,446
She says she saw it on the news,
but I reckon it was ''Doctor who''.
132
00:09:48,608 --> 00:09:52,396
I think they all start to blur in her mind
in the end.
133
00:09:52,568 --> 00:09:56,561
It was her late husband
had that morbid fear of giant spiders.
134
00:09:56,728 --> 00:10:01,404
Every time he heard the cat flap go,
he used to break out into a cold sweat.
135
00:10:04,048 --> 00:10:09,168
Can you imagine carrying your own toilet seat
about everywhere with you?
136
00:10:09,328 --> 00:10:11,717
It must be a bit of a handicap.
137
00:10:12,808 --> 00:10:17,802
what does she do when she's got two bags
of shopping? wear it round her neck?
138
00:10:21,648 --> 00:10:23,957
well, that's that.
139
00:10:24,128 --> 00:10:26,642
And I'm still wide awake.
140
00:10:28,728 --> 00:10:31,925
Oh, perhaps I'll make a milky drink.
141
00:10:32,088 --> 00:10:36,684
- Do you want one?
- Oh, I suppose so. Might as well. Try anything.
142
00:10:42,688 --> 00:10:45,327
Put a drop of rum in it!
143
00:10:50,848 --> 00:10:52,645
Oh, God.
144
00:10:55,768 --> 00:10:59,078
Perhaps if I read something, that would help.
145
00:11:03,088 --> 00:11:05,397
what have we got?
146
00:11:06,368 --> 00:11:09,166
''A Brief History Of Time''.
147
00:11:09,328 --> 00:11:12,126
Or the autobiography of Reg Varney.
148
00:11:13,608 --> 00:11:15,997
Bloody book clubs.
149
00:11:24,728 --> 00:11:26,923
I know what I could do.
150
00:11:27,088 --> 00:11:31,957
I could open last year's Christmas present
from Ronnie and Mildred.
151
00:11:40,208 --> 00:11:44,201
''To dearest Victor, just a little something
to wish you a merry Christmas
152
00:11:44,368 --> 00:11:48,156
''and a prosperous 1990,
from Ronnie and Mildred.''
153
00:11:48,328 --> 00:11:50,717
No, I'm not that bored yet.
154
00:11:54,048 --> 00:11:55,640
Ohhhh...
155
00:12:10,648 --> 00:12:13,162
No, still not straight.
156
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:21,082
That's got it. That's straight.
157
00:12:21,248 --> 00:12:23,637
(PHONE)
158
00:12:28,608 --> 00:12:30,599
4291.
159
00:12:30,768 --> 00:12:32,759
what?
160
00:12:32,928 --> 00:12:35,237
Yes, it IS straight.
161
00:12:36,248 --> 00:12:40,127
what do you mean,
not from where you're standing?
162
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:43,767
You can't see from right across the road.
163
00:12:43,928 --> 00:12:46,920
Anyway, what are you doing up
at this time of...?
164
00:12:47,088 --> 00:12:49,124
Oh, can't you?
165
00:12:50,128 --> 00:12:55,919
Yes, I'm sorry about that. They were supposed
to have fixed it, but you know garages.
166
00:12:56,088 --> 00:12:57,680
Yes.
167
00:12:57,848 --> 00:13:00,840
Yes. Yes, I hope you do, too.
168
00:13:01,008 --> 00:13:02,885
Goodnight.
169
00:13:06,568 --> 00:13:11,483
The rest of that milk was off,
so I had to use powdered, and we're out of rum.
170
00:13:31,248 --> 00:13:33,716
God, this tastes revolting.
171
00:13:36,648 --> 00:13:39,640
I know. It came through the front door.
172
00:13:39,808 --> 00:13:43,801
There's several Olympic pole vaulters
supposed to swear by it.
173
00:13:52,528 --> 00:13:56,316
That shampoo makes my hair all dry.
I won't use that again.
174
00:13:56,488 --> 00:13:59,286
- which one's that?
- Another new one.
175
00:13:59,448 --> 00:14:02,645
That came through the front door as well.
176
00:14:04,128 --> 00:14:07,723
Just as well they don't have
a sales push on for motorcycles.
177
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,880
A Harley Davidson
coming through the front door,
178
00:14:11,048 --> 00:14:15,041
mowing us all to the ground
when we came down for breakfast.
179
00:14:16,088 --> 00:14:21,481
The man from the pet shop was coming around
this morning with free trial offer chihuahuas.
180
00:14:22,608 --> 00:14:26,396
Hammering them through people's letter boxes
with a large mallet.
181
00:14:28,528 --> 00:14:31,088
I expect we'll get ours tomorrow.
182
00:14:31,248 --> 00:14:33,443
More than likely.
183
00:14:37,408 --> 00:14:41,003
- Is it all right if I put the light out now?
- Yes.
184
00:14:59,688 --> 00:15:02,486
Oh, God. My leg's started twitching now.
185
00:15:02,648 --> 00:15:05,446
I wondered when that was going to happen.
186
00:15:05,608 --> 00:15:11,604
Shaking about like a morris dancer. All you need
to do is put a couple of bells on the end of it.
187
00:15:11,768 --> 00:15:15,920
Oh! I can't stop it. It's always the same
when my muscles get tense.
188
00:15:16,088 --> 00:15:19,239
Here we go. Ministry of Silly walks.
189
00:15:26,648 --> 00:15:30,038
It's no laughing matter
if you had to put up with it.
190
00:15:31,928 --> 00:15:35,716
You don't take enough exercise,
that's your problem.
191
00:15:35,888 --> 00:15:38,482
Too much sitting around all day.
192
00:15:39,528 --> 00:15:43,316
Sitting around,
fretting about everything under the sun.
193
00:15:44,288 --> 00:15:46,882
No wonder you end up all on edge.
194
00:15:49,328 --> 00:15:51,637
(FLUSHING)
195
00:15:53,808 --> 00:15:57,403
Can't so much as suck a Polo
without crunching it.
196
00:15:58,448 --> 00:16:01,645
- who can't?
- Go right through the entire packet
197
00:16:01,808 --> 00:16:04,800
like a beaver in one of those old cartoons.
198
00:16:06,768 --> 00:16:10,238
I think if I stick it in the air...
199
00:16:11,208 --> 00:16:14,200
Stretch it and stop the trembling.
200
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,799
(SIGHS)
201
00:16:17,968 --> 00:16:19,959
That's better.
202
00:16:32,088 --> 00:16:34,079
(SNORING)
203
00:16:39,688 --> 00:16:41,679
(ALARM)
204
00:16:43,328 --> 00:16:48,322
- Haven't you got your key ready?
- Bloody thing again! what the hell's going on?
205
00:16:51,528 --> 00:16:54,520
It's that cat sitting on the front bonnet.
206
00:16:54,688 --> 00:16:59,887
- Shoo! Go away! Haven't you found it yet?
- It won't switch it off. what's wrong with it?
207
00:17:00,048 --> 00:17:02,846
- The battery's gone.
- we can't leave it.
208
00:17:03,008 --> 00:17:09,004
- we'll wake the whole of the south of England.
- There's a key under the bonnet. My slippers.
209
00:17:09,168 --> 00:17:12,160
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
210
00:17:23,088 --> 00:17:25,283
(BEEPING STOPS)
211
00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:46,916
I'll have words with that garage tomorrow.
You see if I don't.
212
00:17:47,088 --> 00:17:50,239
Leave your car in for three days
and they do nothing.
213
00:17:50,408 --> 00:17:53,206
Probably using it to go about joyriding in.
214
00:17:53,368 --> 00:17:57,156
I swear I could smell seaweed
from that air filter.
215
00:17:57,328 --> 00:17:58,966
Victor...
216
00:17:59,128 --> 00:18:02,518
- what's that you've got on your foot?
- where?
217
00:18:02,688 --> 00:18:04,485
Aaaaagh!
218
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:09,200
You've got your foot in a rotting hedgehog!
219
00:18:10,528 --> 00:18:12,723
Oh, God!
220
00:18:12,888 --> 00:18:15,686
It must have been when my slipper came off.
221
00:18:15,848 --> 00:18:18,487
Ugh! I thought it was a bit soggy.
222
00:18:18,648 --> 00:18:21,037
I thought it was just perspiration.
223
00:18:21,208 --> 00:18:24,006
Steady, what are you doing? Give it to me.
224
00:18:24,168 --> 00:18:26,363
- Ugh!
- Eugh!
225
00:18:26,528 --> 00:18:28,723
Oh, there it is.
226
00:18:28,888 --> 00:18:31,880
Oh, ruddy thing! where do they come from?
227
00:18:34,248 --> 00:18:36,239
(MIAOw)
228
00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:39,002
Serves you right for sitting on my car!
229
00:18:43,808 --> 00:18:45,799
Come here.
230
00:18:49,488 --> 00:18:54,084
Oh, look. You've got all these little needles
stuck in your foot.
231
00:18:55,808 --> 00:19:00,802
Oh, I've had it for one night, Margaret. I have
straight. I was just getting off then, as well.
232
00:19:00,968 --> 00:19:03,562
Just getting to sleep and dreaming.
233
00:19:03,728 --> 00:19:06,322
Dreaming this really strange dream.
234
00:19:07,328 --> 00:19:12,527
They'd emptied all the water out of Loch Ness
to see if there was any monsters.
235
00:19:12,688 --> 00:19:16,397
when the lake was completely empty,
there, lying in the mud,
236
00:19:16,568 --> 00:19:19,366
was this giant 60-foot-long teaspoon.
237
00:19:22,088 --> 00:19:23,806
There.
238
00:19:23,968 --> 00:19:26,562
I think that's got the worst of it out.
239
00:19:26,728 --> 00:19:30,403
I should watch where you're treading
the next time.
240
00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:36,439
Oh, God.
241
00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:39,486
Am I not going to get any sleep tonight?
242
00:19:39,648 --> 00:19:44,199
- why don't you just bring the lavatory in here?
- Sorry?
243
00:19:44,368 --> 00:19:48,247
Go on like this,
you'll be as dehydrated as that hedgehog.
244
00:19:50,328 --> 00:19:54,116
Remember what happened
to the wicked witch of the west.
245
00:19:56,568 --> 00:19:58,559
(FLUSHING)
246
00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:04,238
Up all bloody night long. I might as well
have taken that job as a night watchman.
247
00:20:04,408 --> 00:20:08,367
I nearly did, if it hadn't been
for the pittance they were offering.
248
00:20:08,528 --> 00:20:11,122
what do they reckon you'd live on?
249
00:20:11,288 --> 00:20:16,282
I was thinking the other day that I might apply
for the job as the Duchess of York.
250
00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:20,441
Seems to be a profession
with a certain amount of security.
251
00:20:20,608 --> 00:20:25,124
Don't get made redundant.
Miners, steelworkers, you can do without.
252
00:20:25,288 --> 00:20:28,997
But you know that York
will always need a Duchess
253
00:20:29,168 --> 00:20:32,956
to stop it grinding to a complete standstill.
254
00:20:34,248 --> 00:20:36,887
One of the few certainties in life.
255
00:20:37,048 --> 00:20:40,643
I could always take
my City and Guilds in grinning.
256
00:20:45,608 --> 00:20:48,805
Do you remember the first time
we slept together?
257
00:20:48,968 --> 00:20:51,243
How could I forget?
258
00:20:52,448 --> 00:20:55,440
That bloody dripping tap.
259
00:20:55,608 --> 00:20:58,406
That kept us awake half the night, if you recall.
260
00:20:58,568 --> 00:21:01,002
You hogged the bed.
261
00:21:01,168 --> 00:21:06,162
- who did?
- You did, sleeping diagonally across the bed.
262
00:21:06,328 --> 00:21:11,118
I used to think it was romantic in those days,
having your right elbow up my nose.
263
00:21:11,288 --> 00:21:16,282
- why didn't you move me, then?
- I wasn't at the controls of a bulldozer.
264
00:21:17,688 --> 00:21:20,760
I did contemplate jabbing you with a hatpin,
265
00:21:20,928 --> 00:21:23,647
but I didn't want to wake the baby at No.43.
266
00:21:23,808 --> 00:21:26,368
I wouldn't think twice about it today.
267
00:21:26,528 --> 00:21:29,645
I don't remember ever hogging the bed.
268
00:21:29,808 --> 00:21:33,118
And you used to suck your thumb in your sleep.
269
00:21:33,288 --> 00:21:37,281
- when did I?
- For the first three years we were married.
270
00:21:37,448 --> 00:21:40,167
Some nights you used to suck MY thumb.
271
00:21:41,128 --> 00:21:46,919
- You've never told me about this before.
- Talk about a late developer. At the age of 26.
272
00:21:47,088 --> 00:21:51,878
If you've ever wondered why you've got
stumpy thumbs, now you know.
273
00:21:52,048 --> 00:21:56,041
And you used to cuddle the hot-water bottle,
pretending it was a teddy bear.
274
00:21:56,208 --> 00:21:58,597
I did nothing of the sort.
275
00:21:58,768 --> 00:22:04,365
- I remember it burst one night.
- You pressed it, trying to make it squeak.
276
00:22:04,528 --> 00:22:08,601
Look, do we have to go on about this?
And I do not have stumpy thumbs.
277
00:22:12,728 --> 00:22:16,801
And anyway, YOU used to talk in your sleep.
278
00:22:16,968 --> 00:22:19,562
You used to SING in your sleep.
279
00:22:19,728 --> 00:22:23,118
I'm lying there, just dozing off,
and what did I hear?
280
00:22:23,288 --> 00:22:26,678
''Ladies and gentlemen,
the voice of David whitfield,''
281
00:22:26,848 --> 00:22:29,646
and then three minutes of ''Cara Mia Mine''.
282
00:22:30,808 --> 00:22:36,599
If you'd had a lump of cheese for your supper,
we used to get a selection from Eddie Calvert.
283
00:22:36,768 --> 00:22:40,966
''Cherry Blossom Pink''
being snored through a trumpet.
284
00:22:41,128 --> 00:22:44,040
Look, can we just drop this subject, please?
285
00:22:44,208 --> 00:22:47,803
- well, you brought it up.
- Yes, I'm sorry I did.
286
00:22:47,968 --> 00:22:50,277
''Cherry Blossom Pink'' (!)
287
00:22:50,448 --> 00:22:56,125
The lady next door came round one night to ask
if the cat had got his tail stuck in the mangle.
288
00:22:56,288 --> 00:22:58,677
I said, can we drop it?
289
00:23:06,768 --> 00:23:09,282
Oh, God...
290
00:23:09,448 --> 00:23:11,837
There it is. Can you hear it?
291
00:23:12,008 --> 00:23:14,522
The rattle of distant milk bottles.
292
00:23:15,888 --> 00:23:21,042
That's the beginning of the end now.
we might as well get up and put the kettle on.
293
00:23:23,968 --> 00:23:26,357
I saw that advert again today.
294
00:23:26,528 --> 00:23:31,921
''Buy the 'Daily Mail' because you can read it
without getting ink on your fingers.''
295
00:23:33,168 --> 00:23:38,765
By that token, you might as well have a cup
of bleach because it doesn't stain the teapot.
296
00:23:40,488 --> 00:23:44,117
Some papers these days!
Especially the one your mother reads.
297
00:23:44,288 --> 00:23:48,247
She says she likes it
because it's conservative with a small C.
298
00:23:48,408 --> 00:23:49,921
Yes.
299
00:23:50,088 --> 00:23:53,797
I believe Joseph Goebbels
was a Nazi with a small N.
300
00:23:55,448 --> 00:24:00,044
Imagine if the history books had been written
the same way as the newspapers.
301
00:24:00,208 --> 00:24:03,405
1215, King John signed the Magna Carta.
302
00:24:03,568 --> 00:24:09,359
1216, King John showed a shapely ankle
when the wind blew up his cloak at Runnymede,
303
00:24:09,528 --> 00:24:13,726
sparking off rumours that
he might be on a super new low-calorie diet.
304
00:24:14,728 --> 00:24:17,720
Potty Pankhurst at it again.
305
00:24:17,888 --> 00:24:22,882
The Slaughter of the Innocents -
no British babies believed to be involved.
306
00:24:29,808 --> 00:24:33,801
- I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.
- It's all right.
307
00:24:33,968 --> 00:24:38,166
The first thing that came into my head.
You don't know what you're saying.
308
00:24:38,328 --> 00:24:40,796
I know. I do it myself sometimes.
309
00:24:43,128 --> 00:24:46,723
I was thinking about him just this morning,
funnily enough,
310
00:24:46,888 --> 00:24:50,676
running into Glenys
outside the post office with Michael.
311
00:24:50,848 --> 00:24:56,445
She had him just four days before. She was
coming out of hospital just as I was going in.
312
00:24:57,888 --> 00:25:00,960
He's still working for that insurance company.
313
00:25:01,128 --> 00:25:06,043
They're talking about moving him
to his own branch up north somewhere.
314
00:25:06,208 --> 00:25:08,403
She'll miss him.
315
00:25:08,568 --> 00:25:10,957
She never had any others.
316
00:25:12,488 --> 00:25:17,687
He'd just bought his mum an ice cream,
then he was going to run her up the doctor's.
317
00:25:18,688 --> 00:25:22,886
It doesn't seem five minutes
since it was the other way round.
318
00:25:25,288 --> 00:25:28,086
I always think of Stuart when I see him.
319
00:25:29,288 --> 00:25:32,086
God, he's enormous now.
320
00:25:32,248 --> 00:25:35,638
His eldest girl's
just starting at the secondary.
321
00:25:38,528 --> 00:25:41,326
I wonder what he would have gone into.
322
00:25:41,488 --> 00:25:44,366
I wonder if he'd have gone into insurance.
323
00:25:44,528 --> 00:25:46,917
Not if I'd had my way.
324
00:25:47,768 --> 00:25:52,239
You make so many plans for your life
when you're young.
325
00:25:53,768 --> 00:25:57,966
I don't know what I imagined I'd be doing
when I was 55.
326
00:25:59,568 --> 00:26:03,561
Seemed like so far in the future,
it would never happen.
327
00:26:04,528 --> 00:26:08,043
A year was an eternity when you were a child.
328
00:26:09,448 --> 00:26:12,520
The time between one Christmas and the next.
329
00:26:12,688 --> 00:26:15,486
Yes, about two months now.
330
00:26:15,648 --> 00:26:19,436
They'll be draping tinsel over the Easter eggs
before long.
331
00:26:20,688 --> 00:26:24,476
why can't they let you live your life
at your own speed?
332
00:26:26,728 --> 00:26:28,605
Oh, God!
333
00:26:28,768 --> 00:26:31,760
I knew it wouldn't be long before he started.
334
00:26:31,928 --> 00:26:34,726
- who?
- That bloody sparrow.
335
00:26:35,848 --> 00:26:39,238
what's he got to be up so early for? Shut up!
336
00:26:39,408 --> 00:26:45,404
One day I'm going to sneak up to his nest
when he's asleep with a welsh male voice choir.
337
00:26:45,568 --> 00:26:51,006
Three choruses of ''Men Of Harlech'' would
have him laughing the other side of his beak.
338
00:26:52,208 --> 00:26:56,998
God! Hardly worth coming to bed,
for all the rest I've had.
339
00:26:57,168 --> 00:26:59,762
I mean, what's the point of it?
340
00:26:59,928 --> 00:27:05,002
Get in each night feeling as right as rain.
when I get up, I feel absolutely terrible.
341
00:27:07,208 --> 00:27:09,597
Pure ritual.
342
00:27:09,768 --> 00:27:12,362
It's like life, I suppose.
343
00:27:13,688 --> 00:27:16,282
I wonder what the point is in living.
344
00:27:16,448 --> 00:27:19,246
Doesn't seem to get you anywhere, does it?
345
00:27:19,408 --> 00:27:22,798
Oh, I don't know.
Ask that sparrow. He seems happy enough.
346
00:27:22,968 --> 00:27:26,358
All he ever does
is eat bits of burnt toast and worms.
347
00:27:26,528 --> 00:27:29,247
He's still got plenty to sing about, obviously.
348
00:27:29,408 --> 00:27:31,126
Yes.
349
00:27:32,128 --> 00:27:34,722
I wonder what his secret is.
350
00:27:35,728 --> 00:27:38,117
Perhaps it is his diet.
351
00:27:45,328 --> 00:27:49,765
You won't be able to have porridge
for your breakfast. we're out of milk.
352
00:27:49,928 --> 00:27:53,523
- I'll have powdered.
- we're also out of porridge.
353
00:27:55,168 --> 00:27:58,365
Ah. well, I'll have something different.
354
00:27:58,528 --> 00:28:00,325
what?
355
00:28:00,488 --> 00:28:02,843
Hmm...
356
00:28:03,008 --> 00:28:05,397
I think I might try
357
00:28:05,568 --> 00:28:08,321
worms on toast for a change.
358
00:28:11,208 --> 00:28:13,676
we'll open a new can in the morning.
359
00:28:16,848 --> 00:28:19,237
Yes, we always seem to.
360
00:28:23,488 --> 00:28:27,117
# They say I might as well face the truth
361
00:28:27,288 --> 00:28:30,200
# That I am just too long in the tooth
362
00:28:30,368 --> 00:28:33,599
# I've started to deteriorate
363
00:28:33,768 --> 00:28:37,204
# And now I've passed my own sell-by date
364
00:28:37,368 --> 00:28:41,043
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true
365
00:28:41,208 --> 00:28:44,518
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
366
00:28:44,688 --> 00:28:47,805
# And my old knees have started to knock
367
00:28:47,968 --> 00:28:51,165
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
368
00:28:51,328 --> 00:28:55,116
# Oh, I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
369
00:28:55,288 --> 00:28:59,042
# It's true that my body has seen better days
370
00:28:59,208 --> 00:29:02,803
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
371
00:29:02,968 --> 00:29:05,163
# One foot in the grave
372
00:29:06,208 --> 00:29:08,597
# One foot in the grave
373
00:29:09,808 --> 00:29:12,197
# One foot in the grave #
374
00:29:12,247 --> 00:29:16,797
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