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1
00:00:02,902 --> 00:00:06,451
♪ They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,662 --> 00:00:09,335
♪ That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:10,142 --> 00:00:13,418
♪ So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,622 --> 00:00:16,853
♪ But I am not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:17,062 --> 00:00:20,941
♪ I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:21,142 --> 00:00:24,259
♪ Fading away, but I'm not yet expired
7
00:00:24,462 --> 00:00:28,421
♪ Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
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♪ One foot in the grave ♪
9
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(VICTOR) # Oh, Danny Boy
10
00:00:40,862 --> 00:00:45,174
♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪
11
00:00:46,542 --> 00:00:48,897
You must be in a good mood.
12
00:00:49,062 --> 00:00:52,054
Sunday morning.
What is there to be miserable about?
13
00:00:52,222 --> 00:00:55,453
♪ And down the mountainside... ♪
14
00:00:57,582 --> 00:01:00,494
Sunday morning - the first day of a new week.
15
00:01:01,022 --> 00:01:03,536
I'm going to have a potter about in the garden
16
00:01:03,702 --> 00:01:06,899
where the insanities of life
can't possibly upset me.
17
00:01:07,622 --> 00:01:12,616
Even though ''Woman's Own'' is giving away
a free gift pack of human organs this week,
18
00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:18,095
I'm not going to let it put my blood pressure up
because life is too short.
19
00:01:21,422 --> 00:01:25,495
- Will you help me clear out the shed later?
- As soon as the dinner's on.
20
00:01:27,422 --> 00:01:33,133
Ah, gorgeous! The sort of day
that actually makes you glad you're alive.
21
00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:37,375
- (BUZZING)
- Oh, God, I wish I was dead!
22
00:01:37,582 --> 00:01:41,541
- Whose bloody bees are they?
- How do I know whose bees they are?
23
00:01:41,742 --> 00:01:45,894
Are they supposed to have collars
with their names and addresses printed on?
24
00:01:46,102 --> 00:01:48,741
Millions of them! Where do they come from?
25
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,820
I don't know! Why do you keep asking me?
26
00:01:51,982 --> 00:01:54,416
Who else is there to ask in here?
27
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:59,292
Hello, David Attenborough? Do you think
you could answer a few questions for us?
28
00:02:00,382 --> 00:02:03,340
- I know where they came from.
- Where?
29
00:02:03,542 --> 00:02:06,773
- Mr Parslow, corner of Coker Street.
- Who?
30
00:02:06,982 --> 00:02:09,655
He was thinking of taking up beekeeping.
31
00:02:09,862 --> 00:02:12,376
He hasn't done a very good job of it, has he,
32
00:02:12,542 --> 00:02:16,455
based on the principle
that the idea of beekeeping is to keep them,
33
00:02:16,622 --> 00:02:20,535
not unleash them on the public
like the Seven Plagues of Egypt!
34
00:02:20,742 --> 00:02:26,021
Bugger off, the lot of you! This is my bloody
shed, so get the bloody hell out of here!
35
00:02:27,502 --> 00:02:30,972
Well, that seems to have done the trick,
doesn't it (?)
36
00:02:32,302 --> 00:02:35,578
When you've finished
acting like a baby in a paddy!
37
00:02:35,742 --> 00:02:39,257
- You're getting yourself hot under the collar.
- Right.
38
00:02:42,742 --> 00:02:47,020
There's one getting in under the door there.
There he is. Stand back!
39
00:02:47,182 --> 00:02:51,698
Little bastard, come here! You're not getting
in here, matey. Don't think you are!
40
00:02:51,862 --> 00:02:55,650
- Victor, it's a piece of dead moss.
- Don't pick it up!
41
00:02:58,862 --> 00:03:01,330
All right?
42
00:03:01,542 --> 00:03:03,976
It looked like a bee from a distance.
43
00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:06,133
Well, it wasn't.
44
00:03:09,662 --> 00:03:14,292
- Who the hell's Mr Parslow anyway?
- He lives on the corner of Coker Street.
45
00:03:14,982 --> 00:03:18,770
- We can't even get a message out to anybody.
- Saying what?
46
00:03:20,542 --> 00:03:24,501
What the hell do you think it would say?
''Send more bees'' (?)
47
00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:27,096
''Help'' would be a start!
48
00:03:28,022 --> 00:03:30,775
- We could be in here for the rest of our lives.
- No.
49
00:03:31,862 --> 00:03:36,731
Mrs Althorp stares out of her window every hour
on a Sunday. She'll see them and ring for help.
50
00:03:36,902 --> 00:03:39,370
We'll be out of here in no time.
51
00:03:40,302 --> 00:03:43,135
Three and a half hours!
52
00:03:46,262 --> 00:03:49,254
Three and a half hours!
53
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:54,015
If you're going to lie there saying
''three and a half hours'' all night,
54
00:03:54,182 --> 00:03:56,650
I'm sleeping in the spare room.
55
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:05,219
Three and a half hours of absolute death!
56
00:04:05,742 --> 00:04:10,736
We're lucky the fire brigade arrived
when they did. Just be thankful it's all over!
57
00:04:11,822 --> 00:04:14,177
What's that buzzing noise?
58
00:04:14,342 --> 00:04:17,573
- Will you go to sleep?
- How can I go to sleep?
59
00:04:17,742 --> 00:04:22,532
Every time I nod off, I have this hideous dream
that I'm imprisoned in a lunatic asylum
60
00:04:22,702 --> 00:04:25,455
with Arthur Askey singing outside the window!
61
00:04:28,822 --> 00:04:31,814
What time is
your eye clinic appointment tomorrow?
62
00:04:31,982 --> 00:04:33,973
Nine o'clock.
63
00:04:34,142 --> 00:04:37,452
Try and get some rest
or you'll be irritable all day long.
64
00:04:37,622 --> 00:04:41,217
- I'm always irritable all day long.
- I know you are.
65
00:04:47,422 --> 00:04:51,813
There were three Twix wrappers
in the honeysuckle today. Three!
66
00:04:53,462 --> 00:04:55,930
Where do they all come from?
67
00:04:56,782 --> 00:04:58,773
The planet Twix?
68
00:05:00,902 --> 00:05:03,655
In the star system Flat Lager Can?
69
00:05:06,262 --> 00:05:09,254
Two thousand light ales from Earth?
70
00:05:10,542 --> 00:05:13,340
Every night I have to listen to this.
71
00:05:15,142 --> 00:05:18,020
And if we're not stung to death while we're asleep,
72
00:05:18,182 --> 00:05:21,174
we'll waken up covered in ash
from that local cornfield.
73
00:05:21,342 --> 00:05:25,255
That bathroom windowsill was covered in it
this morning!
74
00:05:26,342 --> 00:05:30,813
If they want to burn something,
they should burn the bloody Twix wrappers!
75
00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:33,621
For God's sake, Victor!
76
00:05:33,782 --> 00:05:37,252
15 times I've read this sentence now!
77
00:05:40,222 --> 00:05:45,535
I sometimes think I should've lived in medieval
times. People were more considerate then.
78
00:05:45,742 --> 00:05:51,260
Yes, and then you'd have spent all day wiping
bits of Joan of Arc off the bathroom windowsill!
79
00:05:52,942 --> 00:05:56,981
Goodness sake! Will you give over
and stop moan, moan, moan, moan?
80
00:05:59,422 --> 00:06:02,812
You know, Margaret,
you want to try and relax a bit more.
81
00:06:02,982 --> 00:06:05,450
You're getting very irritable these days.
82
00:06:07,862 --> 00:06:11,901
Your Uncle Brian was stung by a bee once
when we were on holiday in Bude.
83
00:06:12,102 --> 00:06:16,493
Took it for an ink rubber.
Terrible he was without glasses.
84
00:06:16,662 --> 00:06:19,654
- Do you see much of him these days?
- When I can.
85
00:06:19,822 --> 00:06:23,292
He hasn't really come to terms
with his wife dying yet.
86
00:06:23,462 --> 00:06:27,933
Riding round on his own on the back
of that tandem - can't quite seem to adjust.
87
00:06:28,142 --> 00:06:32,852
- It is difficult, isn't it?
- How did they get loose in the first place?
88
00:06:33,062 --> 00:06:39,695
We don't know. The man who owns them, Mr
Parslow, hasn't been seen for the last 24 hours,
89
00:06:39,862 --> 00:06:44,982
which is just as well as Victor is planning
to disembowel him with a potato dibber.
90
00:06:46,662 --> 00:06:50,894
I don't know what it is, Iris,
since he stopped working.
91
00:06:51,102 --> 00:06:54,253
He's got so much more time to dither about in.
92
00:06:54,862 --> 00:06:59,856
It's as if he's soaking up every hideous disaster
and piece of misery in the world
93
00:07:00,022 --> 00:07:02,058
like a giant sponge.
94
00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:05,694
So have you asked him yet about um...?
95
00:07:05,902 --> 00:07:09,656
Well, I was hoping to wait
until he was in a good mood.
96
00:07:10,382 --> 00:07:12,976
We could all die first.
97
00:07:22,502 --> 00:07:25,175
Excuse me. I'm sorry to trouble you again.
98
00:07:25,382 --> 00:07:27,850
There's been a bit of a mix-up.
99
00:07:28,022 --> 00:07:33,221
My wife brought me here at nine o'clock
to see the eye specialist
100
00:07:33,382 --> 00:07:35,976
and we went away about an hour ago.
101
00:07:36,142 --> 00:07:38,133
Didn't we?
102
00:07:38,302 --> 00:07:41,294
And then we did a bit of shopping
and went home.
103
00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:44,215
Now I think he's given me the wrong glasses.
104
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,982
Oh? What makes you think that?
105
00:07:47,142 --> 00:07:49,531
This isn't my wife, you see.
106
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,531
I'm not his wife, you see.
107
00:07:57,702 --> 00:08:00,660
I think I've got the wrong glasses as well.
108
00:08:00,862 --> 00:08:03,422
Oh, dear, that is a bit of a mix-up, isn't it?
109
00:08:03,582 --> 00:08:07,700
If you'd just take a seat over there,
we'll try and sort it out for you.
110
00:08:09,902 --> 00:08:15,420
Nurse, have I got to wait here much longer,
stuck with the Mr Magoo Appreciation Society?
111
00:08:16,502 --> 00:08:19,699
I've been sat in this chair now
since half past eight.
112
00:08:19,902 --> 00:08:24,896
There's a lot of other patients besides you,
Mr Meldrew. The doctor's doing his best.
113
00:08:25,502 --> 00:08:28,016
Can I have a look, please, Mr Jellinek?
114
00:08:28,662 --> 00:08:33,292
No, a little bit longer, I think.
Keep your eyes shut nice and tightly.
115
00:08:33,502 --> 00:08:37,495
And you, Mr Gillespie,
then the drops can take effect more quickly.
116
00:08:42,382 --> 00:08:47,092
- So what's your trouble, then?
- They think it might be a blocked blood vessel.
117
00:08:47,262 --> 00:08:49,412
I wasn't talking to you.
118
00:08:49,582 --> 00:08:51,812
Cataract, is it, or what?
119
00:08:51,982 --> 00:08:56,373
Well, they're not really sure yet.
Not until they've done the tests.
120
00:08:56,542 --> 00:08:59,215
How's old Jack keeping these days?
121
00:08:59,902 --> 00:09:02,416
Did he get over that kidney infection?
122
00:09:02,582 --> 00:09:04,573
Oh, yes, yes.
123
00:09:04,742 --> 00:09:07,939
He had one of those tubes put inside him,
didn't he?
124
00:09:08,102 --> 00:09:12,095
- That's right.
- One of those tubes that go right...
125
00:09:12,262 --> 00:09:15,254
Yes, I think we've all got the picture, thank you!
126
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:18,653
He's all right,
but his Susan's had to go into hospital.
127
00:09:18,822 --> 00:09:21,177
She's got er...you know...
128
00:09:21,742 --> 00:09:23,733
..a woman's problem.
129
00:09:23,902 --> 00:09:25,221
Oh.
130
00:09:26,902 --> 00:09:29,370
My brother suffers with that.
131
00:09:31,422 --> 00:09:34,141
Kidney trouble, always has done.
132
00:09:35,102 --> 00:09:38,492
They reckon he's got to have
a tube put in now, you know.
133
00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:40,653
Oh, God!
134
00:09:40,822 --> 00:09:43,416
- How big are those tubes?
- Oh, quite big.
135
00:09:44,302 --> 00:09:47,021
Oh, about this long, some of them.
136
00:09:47,702 --> 00:09:49,693
Get away!
137
00:09:53,982 --> 00:09:56,496
And they just push them right in, you know.
138
00:09:57,662 --> 00:10:02,497
They say it's like sliding a straw
into a bottle of Coca-Cola.
139
00:10:03,182 --> 00:10:05,173
Good God above!
140
00:10:06,622 --> 00:10:11,696
Were you there that day his carbuncle broke
in Queensway's Bedding Centre?
141
00:10:11,862 --> 00:10:14,934
Right, that's it!
That's enough for me, I'm afraid.
142
00:10:15,102 --> 00:10:20,222
Carbuncles, kidneys, tubes? His inside
must look like a map of the Metropolitan Line!
143
00:10:20,742 --> 00:10:25,736
Right, Mr Meldrew. We've just got to pop
some drops in first to open up your pupils.
144
00:10:25,902 --> 00:10:28,894
And here's your spectacles, sir.
Sorry about that.
145
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:32,293
It's Mr Parslow, 17 Coker Street?
146
00:10:32,462 --> 00:10:34,612
Mm-hm. Thank you.
147
00:10:34,782 --> 00:10:37,296
Excuse me. I just forgot something.
148
00:10:39,262 --> 00:10:41,457
Thank you very much.
149
00:10:45,902 --> 00:10:50,020
Right, Auntie Margaret, but I do need to know
one way or the other by tonight.
150
00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:52,571
I'll ring you later. I promise.
151
00:10:52,742 --> 00:10:54,733
- Bye, love.
- Bye.
152
00:10:57,942 --> 00:11:00,137
(DOORBELL)
153
00:11:07,182 --> 00:11:11,300
Good morning. I'm very sorry to disturb you.
I'm from ''BBC Look East''.
154
00:11:11,502 --> 00:11:13,493
Regional news programme?
155
00:11:13,702 --> 00:11:18,696
I'm sure you know there's quite an important
by-election in this constituency on Thursday
156
00:11:18,862 --> 00:11:22,901
and we're doing a film report on the candidates
as they go canvassing.
157
00:11:23,102 --> 00:11:24,774
Oh, yes?
158
00:11:28,302 --> 00:11:32,295
Well, it looks as though
they forgot about the three of us, then.
159
00:11:32,462 --> 00:11:33,941
Typical!
160
00:11:47,062 --> 00:11:49,701
God, this stuff stings, doesn't it?
161
00:11:51,582 --> 00:11:55,575
Nurse, how much longer
have I got to sit here like King Canute?
162
00:11:59,422 --> 00:12:01,777
- I say, excuse me!
- Yeah?
163
00:12:01,942 --> 00:12:04,331
Can I go in there now, please?
164
00:12:04,502 --> 00:12:07,574
- Yes, I expect so.
- Thank you very much.
165
00:12:08,182 --> 00:12:10,696
And I can open my eyes, can I?
166
00:12:10,862 --> 00:12:12,341
Yeah.
167
00:12:18,862 --> 00:12:20,853
Oh, terrific (!)
168
00:12:27,302 --> 00:12:29,293
- Here?
- What?
169
00:12:29,462 --> 00:12:31,930
- This chair, shall I sit in it?
- Yeah.
170
00:12:36,822 --> 00:12:39,541
Can you see that red mark on the wall there?
171
00:12:39,702 --> 00:12:42,262
Ye... Hang on a minute.
172
00:12:44,142 --> 00:12:46,531
Yes. Yes, I can, yes.
173
00:12:46,702 --> 00:12:49,091
I wonder what the hell it is.
174
00:12:49,262 --> 00:12:51,651
It won't come off with Ajax.
175
00:12:56,182 --> 00:12:59,254
OK, then, Mr Davidson, we're going again.
176
00:12:59,942 --> 00:13:02,251
All right, Mrs Meldrew?
177
00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:05,498
And...cue!
178
00:13:05,662 --> 00:13:07,857
(DOORBELL)
179
00:13:11,182 --> 00:13:13,571
Good morning. How are you?
180
00:13:13,742 --> 00:13:19,817
My name is Vincent Davidson and I'm the
candidate for the Monster Raving Loony Party.
181
00:13:20,022 --> 00:13:21,740
Oh, yes?
182
00:13:21,942 --> 00:13:24,934
We're not an entirely frivolous organisation
any more.
183
00:13:25,102 --> 00:13:27,616
We have a number of clearly set-out policies
184
00:13:27,782 --> 00:13:31,457
and I would ask you
to consider the merits of a protest vote.
185
00:13:31,662 --> 00:13:34,017
Yes, well, I don't think...
186
00:13:34,182 --> 00:13:38,095
- Can I leave you a copy of our manifesto?
- All right, but I don't...
187
00:13:38,302 --> 00:13:42,295
- Nice talking to you anyway.
- Yes, and you. Bye.
188
00:13:42,462 --> 00:13:44,259
Bye. Thank you.
189
00:13:44,462 --> 00:13:49,536
Terrific. That's all we need.
Thank you very much indeed, Mrs Meldrew.
190
00:13:49,742 --> 00:13:52,131
Got it. That's lovely. Thanks.
191
00:13:52,302 --> 00:13:55,817
- Was that OK?
- That was fine. Thanks for your help.
192
00:14:00,142 --> 00:14:02,497
Lots of luck, then. Bye!
193
00:14:02,702 --> 00:14:06,456
Actually, I was wondering
if I could ask a quick favour.
194
00:14:06,622 --> 00:14:10,774
It's a bit embarrassing, really.
I wonder if I might use your loo.
195
00:14:10,942 --> 00:14:13,410
- Of course. It's up the stairs.
- Thank you.
196
00:14:13,582 --> 00:14:17,575
- One or two too many cups of tea this morning.
- First on the right.
197
00:14:45,862 --> 00:14:49,172
Unbelievable, this country's medical system!
198
00:14:49,342 --> 00:14:53,813
Unless it's me that's going mad.
That would certainly explain it all.
199
00:14:53,982 --> 00:14:56,496
Yes, it's me. I've gone completely gaga!
200
00:14:57,182 --> 00:14:59,571
Now, listen, mate, it's not you.
201
00:14:59,742 --> 00:15:03,621
You're the only sane one left,
so don't you start cracking up!
202
00:15:14,662 --> 00:15:17,176
- All right?
- Yes. Thank you.
203
00:15:17,342 --> 00:15:20,812
Do you know
there's a rather strange man in your house?
204
00:15:20,982 --> 00:15:23,621
Strange man? Victor?
205
00:15:23,782 --> 00:15:26,012
(PHONE RINGS)
206
00:15:27,702 --> 00:15:29,374
Yes?
207
00:15:29,542 --> 00:15:33,376
Oh, Iris... No, I haven't asked him yet.
208
00:15:33,542 --> 00:15:37,251
(VICTOR) Aaaaaagh! God!
209
00:15:38,742 --> 00:15:43,293
Well, it's not exactly the best moment
in the world, no.
210
00:15:47,142 --> 00:15:49,178
Was it my imagination
211
00:15:49,342 --> 00:15:54,211
or have they just started building the world's
biggest sub-atomic particle accelerator
212
00:15:54,382 --> 00:15:56,896
to explain the very origins of the universe?
213
00:15:57,062 --> 00:15:58,381
What?
214
00:15:58,542 --> 00:16:01,056
Strange that they can't make a toilet roll
215
00:16:01,222 --> 00:16:05,215
where the perforations are in the same place
on either side of the paper!
216
00:16:05,382 --> 00:16:07,896
Look at this abomination of modern technology!
217
00:16:08,062 --> 00:16:12,533
You try and tear it here and you're left
with the other half hanging about there.
218
00:16:12,702 --> 00:16:17,730
Every time you do it, every time you tear it.
Well, I've had enough of it, I can tell you!
219
00:16:17,942 --> 00:16:22,936
You're not going to start running that through
my sewing machine again at this time of night!
220
00:16:23,102 --> 00:16:27,653
How else am I supposed to...?
I don't believe these bloody rugs!
221
00:16:27,822 --> 00:16:31,815
How do they keep moving across the floor?
What do you do? Oil the carpet?
222
00:16:31,982 --> 00:16:35,770
Every time I come into this room,
I have to move this mat back six inches.
223
00:16:35,982 --> 00:16:39,770
- Well, don't, then.
- If I didn't, it'd be halfway to Abergavenny!
224
00:16:44,102 --> 00:16:45,421
Oh!
225
00:16:46,502 --> 00:16:48,697
Tummy trouble again?
226
00:16:48,862 --> 00:16:51,251
Insides turning over all told.
227
00:16:51,422 --> 00:16:53,890
Butterflies in the stomach, I expect.
228
00:16:54,062 --> 00:16:58,533
Butterflies in the stomach,
bees in the potting shed, loonies in the lavatory.
229
00:16:58,702 --> 00:17:02,695
I wonder what bounteous joys
the rest of the week has in store!
230
00:17:02,862 --> 00:17:06,571
Bubonic plague?
A nest of scorpions in the hoover bag?
231
00:17:07,862 --> 00:17:10,456
Late-night shopping at Budgen's?
232
00:17:12,982 --> 00:17:15,450
Young Iris called round this morning.
233
00:17:16,662 --> 00:17:19,972
- I hope she didn't bring those two brats.
- Not this time.
234
00:17:20,142 --> 00:17:23,134
No, I gathered that. The house is still standing.
235
00:17:23,822 --> 00:17:28,293
She has to go to Dorset tomorrow
to visit her Uncle Ted in hospital.
236
00:17:28,462 --> 00:17:33,252
That's all the poor bloke needs.
A visit from Iris and the children of the damned!
237
00:17:33,862 --> 00:17:36,330
It's like being cheered up by the Luftwaffe.
238
00:17:38,142 --> 00:17:43,136
Well, ordinarily, she'd leave them
in the local day nursery like she has in the past,
239
00:17:43,302 --> 00:17:45,816
but since that's been closed down...
240
00:17:51,462 --> 00:17:53,930
What did you say to her?
241
00:17:54,102 --> 00:17:56,570
It's just for one day, Victor.
242
00:17:56,742 --> 00:18:00,735
And she's promised
that they'll be on their very best behaviour.
243
00:18:00,902 --> 00:18:02,972
Oh, no!
244
00:18:03,182 --> 00:18:05,935
(SCREAMING AND GIGGLING)
245
00:18:08,662 --> 00:18:12,575
I'm gonna take him to the Bat Cave
and bash his head in!
246
00:18:12,742 --> 00:18:15,859
- I'll bash his head in first!
- Elliott, I've told you!
247
00:18:16,022 --> 00:18:19,014
And, Dylan,
take that off your Uncle Victor's neck!
248
00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:21,696
You know his face shouldn't be that colour!
249
00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:28,096
Are you sure you've got time to drop me off?
250
00:18:28,262 --> 00:18:32,778
Don't be silly. The station's on the way
to the shop and we've got bags of time.
251
00:18:32,982 --> 00:18:35,450
(VICTOR) That's the pride of my collection!
252
00:18:35,622 --> 00:18:38,011
(SMASH)
253
00:18:41,302 --> 00:18:45,215
Dylan, I won't come back for you.
I'll leave you here for ever!
254
00:18:45,422 --> 00:18:47,697
You bloody won't!
255
00:18:48,422 --> 00:18:50,538
And stop doing that!
256
00:18:51,342 --> 00:18:56,132
I blame all these variety shows on the television.
They're a real corrupting influence.
257
00:18:56,302 --> 00:19:00,011
They should put them on late at night
after they've gone to bed.
258
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:04,693
He's very good with them, isn't he?
He's got, I don't know, a knack somehow.
259
00:19:04,862 --> 00:19:06,818
♪ Batman! Batman! ♪
260
00:19:06,982 --> 00:19:08,973
(CHILDREN SQUEAL)
261
00:19:10,582 --> 00:19:14,097
It's a real comfort
knowing you can leave them in safe hands.
262
00:19:14,262 --> 00:19:18,016
- Especially these days.
- You have to be so careful these days.
263
00:19:18,182 --> 00:19:22,972
- (VICTOR) Bloody swing for the pair of you!
- You'll be all right, Victor? We're off now!
264
00:19:23,142 --> 00:19:25,861
Ta-ta, then, Uncle! See you all this evening!
265
00:19:26,022 --> 00:19:28,490
And you two behave yourselves!
266
00:19:31,422 --> 00:19:33,890
(CACKLES OF LAUGHTER)
267
00:19:55,622 --> 00:19:57,135
Victor?
268
00:19:58,222 --> 00:20:01,214
- You're back early.
- They had to close the road.
269
00:20:01,382 --> 00:20:05,739
Due to a jack-knifed Nivea tanker,
so we shut at four. Where are they?
270
00:20:05,942 --> 00:20:08,934
- What?
- I didn't expect the house to be so quiet.
271
00:20:09,102 --> 00:20:11,570
In the garden, are they?
272
00:20:11,742 --> 00:20:13,733
Dylan! Elliott!
273
00:20:15,182 --> 00:20:17,901
I can't see them out here, Victor.
274
00:20:19,102 --> 00:20:21,775
Elliott? Dylan?
275
00:20:21,942 --> 00:20:24,410
Where are you hiding?
276
00:20:27,542 --> 00:20:30,010
Perhaps they're in the garage.
277
00:20:30,182 --> 00:20:32,571
Yes, perhaps they erm...
278
00:20:38,342 --> 00:20:41,140
Boys! Are you in there?
279
00:20:46,902 --> 00:20:50,133
Come out of there, you little tearaways!
280
00:20:52,382 --> 00:20:56,500
You leave them alone for a second and...
What would you do with them?
281
00:20:57,622 --> 00:21:01,058
It was only a game, Margaret,
for goodness' sake!
282
00:21:01,222 --> 00:21:05,010
You know what sticklers children are
for realism these days.
283
00:21:05,182 --> 00:21:09,175
You only call me a killjoy
when I don't join in and then... Oh!
284
00:21:09,342 --> 00:21:13,699
Oh, don't come that pathetic act with me,
Victor. I'm not in the mood!
285
00:21:13,862 --> 00:21:16,330
Talk about being married to WC Fields!
286
00:21:17,102 --> 00:21:20,094
I'm just speechless. That's all. Speechless!
287
00:21:20,942 --> 00:21:23,740
How you can just sit there and...
288
00:21:24,822 --> 00:21:26,813
What is it, Victor?
289
00:21:26,982 --> 00:21:29,450
I think you'd better call an ambulance.
290
00:21:29,942 --> 00:21:31,933
Oh! Ah...
291
00:21:33,342 --> 00:21:35,731
(WHISTLES A TUNE)
292
00:21:40,262 --> 00:21:42,856
- Is it irritable bowel syndrome?
- Sorry?
293
00:21:43,022 --> 00:21:47,413
What did that doctor say that examined me?
He didn't look too well himself.
294
00:21:47,582 --> 00:21:51,814
He has been manning the fort for 36 hours.
I expect he's exhausted.
295
00:21:52,022 --> 00:21:57,016
Doesn't help your confidence when someone
nods off while they listen to your heartbeat!
296
00:21:57,942 --> 00:22:00,217
Am I to stay over or what?
297
00:22:00,382 --> 00:22:03,374
- Didn't they tell you?
- They didn't tell me anything.
298
00:22:03,542 --> 00:22:08,013
''Wait here, Mr Meldrew.''
That's all you ever do in hospitals, isn't it? Wait.
299
00:22:08,622 --> 00:22:11,773
Wait and wait and wait.
300
00:22:12,702 --> 00:22:17,218
Or worry. Just leave you lying around
like a piece of haddock on a fish counter.
301
00:22:17,382 --> 00:22:20,613
- What are you doing?
- We've got to remove your appendix.
302
00:22:20,822 --> 00:22:23,814
What? Aren't you going to put me to sleep first?
303
00:22:23,982 --> 00:22:28,180
I'm just here to shave you.
They do the other bits in the operating theatre.
304
00:22:28,342 --> 00:22:30,810
Now just lie back and relax.
305
00:22:32,422 --> 00:22:33,741
Agh!
306
00:22:39,782 --> 00:22:42,250
(WHISTLES)
307
00:22:43,622 --> 00:22:46,136
Just like being at the hairdresser's, isn't it?
308
00:22:47,262 --> 00:22:49,776
Well, now you come to mention it, no!
309
00:22:50,502 --> 00:22:53,016
I don't know what sort of hairdresser you go to!
310
00:23:03,102 --> 00:23:04,774
Yes...
311
00:23:07,902 --> 00:23:11,690
We've certainly come a long way
in the last hundred years.
312
00:23:11,862 --> 00:23:13,341
Yes.
313
00:23:15,902 --> 00:23:18,496
- Men on the moon, eh?
-Yes.
314
00:23:19,742 --> 00:23:22,210
I was up there myself last week.
315
00:23:22,742 --> 00:23:25,700
Yes... What?
316
00:23:25,902 --> 00:23:29,417
Shocking, you know,
property prices up there now. Shocking!
317
00:23:29,942 --> 00:23:31,933
I tell you what.
318
00:23:32,102 --> 00:23:38,337
Three-bedroom semi-detached
I bought four years ago...30,000 lunar dollars.
319
00:23:38,502 --> 00:23:40,697
30,000!
320
00:23:40,902 --> 00:23:44,099
Well, you can't buy a crater
for that up there now.
321
00:23:44,262 --> 00:23:49,256
It's something to do with the cost of
the special heavy bricks because of the gravity.
322
00:23:49,422 --> 00:23:53,017
I don't understand it myself,
to be honest with you, but...
323
00:23:59,182 --> 00:24:01,332
- Mr Meldrew?
- Yes?
324
00:24:02,342 --> 00:24:04,810
Don't make any sudden moves.
325
00:24:06,062 --> 00:24:08,053
And you'll be fine.
326
00:24:08,222 --> 00:24:10,213
No sudden moves.
327
00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:12,850
Now, then, Mr Brocklebank...
328
00:24:13,382 --> 00:24:16,818
if you'd just like to put down that razor for us.
329
00:24:16,982 --> 00:24:19,815
- Almost finished with him.
- Yes.
330
00:24:20,302 --> 00:24:22,497
You certainly have.
331
00:24:23,262 --> 00:24:26,459
And you've done a splendid job, Mr Brocklebank.
332
00:24:26,662 --> 00:24:28,732
One of your best ever.
333
00:24:30,062 --> 00:24:34,453
But I think it's time
you were getting along home now, don't you?
334
00:24:35,742 --> 00:24:38,734
Nurse, can we get that organised for him,
please?
335
00:24:40,222 --> 00:24:43,612
Back with you in just a few minutes, Mr Meldrew.
336
00:24:50,742 --> 00:24:54,894
I couldn't find the coffee machine.
They seem to have moved it.
337
00:24:55,062 --> 00:24:59,533
The doctor says it's what he reckoned.
There's nothing wrong. It's just stress.
338
00:24:59,702 --> 00:25:03,695
They're going to get an ambulance
to take us home in a minute.
339
00:25:05,222 --> 00:25:07,861
That was a close shave, wasn't it?
340
00:25:14,262 --> 00:25:18,050
Another five minutes they reckon, Victor,
and then we'll be off.
341
00:25:19,302 --> 00:25:21,736
How is it now? Still gyppy?
342
00:25:21,942 --> 00:25:26,333
Gyppy? I've had a gutful this week, Margaret,
a gutful!
343
00:25:28,022 --> 00:25:32,538
This soup tastes like the stuff
you spray on plants to make the leaves shine.
344
00:25:32,702 --> 00:25:35,170
Good evening. Hello.
345
00:25:35,342 --> 00:25:39,813
Good evening to you. Will you be getting along
to vote on Thursday at all?
346
00:25:39,982 --> 00:25:42,496
I hope so. And are you going to vote for me?
347
00:25:42,662 --> 00:25:46,655
Jolly good. That's what I like to hear.
You're a sensible lady.
348
00:25:46,822 --> 00:25:51,737
You know that the National Health Service
is safe in our hands. Nice to talk to you.
349
00:25:51,942 --> 00:25:54,581
Good evening to you, sir. Gerald Linklater.
350
00:25:54,742 --> 00:25:58,735
- Are you planning to vote on Thursday?
- I shall, yes.
351
00:25:58,942 --> 00:26:00,421
Good.
352
00:26:00,582 --> 00:26:03,619
I shall be voting
for the Monster Raving Loony Party.
353
00:26:03,822 --> 00:26:08,020
I find their political platform
the most sensible of all the major parties.
354
00:26:08,182 --> 00:26:12,016
That's a shame, sir,
that you should waste your vote like that
355
00:26:12,182 --> 00:26:14,742
on the crackpot element in this campaign.
356
00:26:14,942 --> 00:26:19,732
Yes, they should all be locked up,
put away in homes to have their heads examined.
357
00:26:19,902 --> 00:26:24,896
There's plenty of room because those that
really need help are chucked out into the street!
358
00:26:25,062 --> 00:26:30,216
Call this a Health Service? Do you know
how long I had to wait yesterday for an eye test?
359
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,492
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
360
00:26:32,702 --> 00:26:35,216
And thanks to you closing all the nurseries,
361
00:26:35,382 --> 00:26:39,773
I was beaten up in my own living room
this morning by two five-year-olds!
362
00:26:39,942 --> 00:26:42,581
I may never play the comb and paper again!
363
00:26:42,782 --> 00:26:46,570
- It's be an absolute joy...
- You ask me if I'm going to vote for you?
364
00:26:46,742 --> 00:26:50,212
I'd sooner stick my head
in a pan of boiling chip fat!
365
00:26:50,902 --> 00:26:54,895
Ah! It seems my taxi has arrived,
so I'll bid you good day.
366
00:26:55,062 --> 00:26:58,816
To the dark side of the moon,
my good man, and quickly too.
367
00:27:04,662 --> 00:27:09,292
♪ Oh, Danny Boy
368
00:27:09,462 --> 00:27:12,613
♪ The pipes, the pipes are... ♪
369
00:27:12,782 --> 00:27:15,376
(RECORD JUMPS)
370
00:27:17,222 --> 00:27:19,736
(SCRATCHING)
371
00:27:19,902 --> 00:27:22,370
♪ Oh, Danny Boy... ♪
372
00:27:22,542 --> 00:27:25,010
(SCRAPING)
373
00:27:50,582 --> 00:27:53,699
Perhaps you should just have
an early night tonight.
374
00:27:53,862 --> 00:27:56,330
You'll feel better in the morning.
375
00:27:56,502 --> 00:27:58,811
Yes, I expect I will.
376
00:27:59,342 --> 00:28:01,333
Good night, then.
377
00:28:05,502 --> 00:28:11,338
Oh, if you should hear any sudden screams,
it's just me smacking on some aftershave.
378
00:28:27,142 --> 00:28:29,736
♪ They say I might as well face the truth
379
00:28:30,662 --> 00:28:33,540
♪ That I am just too long in the tooth
380
00:28:33,742 --> 00:28:36,939
♪ I've started to deteriorate
381
00:28:37,142 --> 00:28:40,532
♪ And now I've passed my own sell-by date
382
00:28:40,742 --> 00:28:43,461
♪ Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
383
00:28:44,582 --> 00:28:47,176
♪ I have to pop my teeth in to chew
384
00:28:48,062 --> 00:28:50,974
♪ And my old knees have started to knock
385
00:28:51,142 --> 00:28:54,020
♪ I've just got too many miles on the clock
386
00:28:54,622 --> 00:28:58,456
♪ So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
387
00:28:58,662 --> 00:29:01,893
♪ It's true that my body has seen better days
388
00:29:02,582 --> 00:29:05,415
♪ But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
389
00:29:05,622 --> 00:29:08,136
♪ One foot in the grave
390
00:29:09,262 --> 00:29:12,015
♪ One foot in the grave
391
00:29:12,782 --> 00:29:15,660
♪ One foot in the grave ♪
392
00:29:15,710 --> 00:29:20,260
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