All language subtitles for Mike and Molly s01e04 Mikes Not Ready.eng

I don't see why someone would pay to see
a movie and then talk through the whole thing.

That was so cool when
you flashed your badge at them,

"if you people need to chat,
we can chat downtown""

Well, to be honest

It was a York peppermint Pattie.

You want to come in
for a little while?

Uh, that sounds tempting,
but I-I got an early morning,

And I-I don't want to disturb
your mom or your sister.

They're not here.
Really?

Mom's taking a pole dancing
class at the senior center,

And my sister, well,
she could be handcuffed

To just about anything
right about now.

That's interesting.

So it'd be just the two of us.

A nice, round number.
I like round numbers.

That's good, 'cause
you're kissing one.

I'm sorry, but, uh,
I-I really have to go.

Oh. You sure?

Uh, yeah, as much
as I'd love to stay, uh,

I got to get my full eight hours
to function properly.

Otherwise, I'm not clear-headed,

And I mistake a pickle
for a gun and...

Bang!... Somebody ends up dead.

Enough said.

Thanks for the movie.

You're welcome.

Good night.

Night.

Okay, it's not me.

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can't believe it.

I've lost two hats
in one month.

Well, why do you think they
call it the windy city?

I don't know, Carl.
'cause it's windy?

I've told you before, you should
get yourself a chin strap.

Sure. Maybe add
a little propeller on top

And just go full Tweedledum.

It's better than running
through traffic

Screaming, "my hat, my hat."

And what are you two bitches
fighting about today?

Just pour the coffee, Samuel.

And I'll have my usual.

As you wish, tiny dancer.

I'm getting a little tired
of the wisecracks about my size.

I'm a customer here, and I'd
like to be treated as such.

He lose another hat?

The thing popped off his head
like a champagne cork.

Did he try to Chase it?
About half a block.

I was trying to get video
on my cell phone,

But I was laughing too hard.

So the motto, "what happens
on the beat stays on the beat,"

Means nothing to you.

You didn't keep it to yourself
that time

I pierced my nipple
putting on my badge.

I had to tell people.

Everybody thought
the smoke alarm was going off.

I still can't wear
a leather vest without a shirt.

You shouldn't anyway.

So how was your date with Molly last night?
It was fine.

We went to the movies, and then
had a bite to eat after.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong,

But that's, like,
the third date, isn't it?

Uh, yeah, give or take.

So...
So, what?

So who was giving it,
and where was she taking it?

Whoa. Now, hang on, Carl.

This is a nice girl
you're talking about,

And I'm an old-fashioned guy.

We're just going
to take our time

And not rush into anything.

You sure it's not because
you don't want her

To see your big, naked,
pasty-white heinie?

What?!
Wh-where's this coming from?

I'm just saying, I know you're
sensitive about your size,

And the idea
of taking your clothes off

In front of a woman
must be a scary thing.

Please. I don't have
a problem with that.

It's just that I'm a gentleman
and I-I care about her.

You're also a busty man who
wears a t-shirt in the shower.

Don't act like
I don't know you, 'cause I do.

You don't know me
like you think you do.

There's levels to me.

I run very deep.

Well, you sure
don't run very fast,

'cause your hat's in Skokie
right about now.

You know what, Carl?
You're full of crap,

And I don't have to sit here
and listen to this.

Breakfast is served.

It's a dilemma, for sure.

If my blood sugar wasn't low,
I'd be out of here, pal.

Do you think that cop
spent the night?

I have no idea.

But I'm sure when his feet
hit the floor, we'll know it.

Hey.

Morning.
Morning.

You're getting a
pretty late start.

Well, a bottle of schnapps

And a half a bag of Oreos
knocked me on my ass.

And the sweet,
sweet lovin', right?

How was it?

Was it good?

Is he still up there?

No, he's not still up there.

He never even made it
in the house.

Ooh. You did it on the porch?

That'll teach
the people next door

For putting up
that ugly mailbox.

Is there something wrong
with me?

I practically threw myself
at him,

And he ran out of here like he
heard an ice cream truck.

Well, maybe he did hear
an ice cream truck.

No. I just don't think
he's attracted to me.

I mean, that was the third date.

That's usually the
"come and get it" date, right?

Well, for your sister,
it's usually

The "come and get it
for the third time" date.

Were you giving him
clear signals?

'cause he looks like he's eaten
his share of paint chips.

I did everything
but lift my skirt

And fire a starter's pistol.

You know what I do if I'm with
a guy that's not getting it?

I pull out one of my boobs and
start smacking him in the face.

There you go.

Give him a good boob smack.

I just don't think I have the
personality to pull that off.

Maybe he wants
to take things slow,

Get to know you
before you leap into bed.

Yeah, 'cause that's
what guys do.

You know what? No.

I'm too old to play these games.

I... I lead a rich, full life,

And I don't need him
or any other man to validate me.

You go, girl.

Okay, we got to find her a fella

Before she fills this house up
with crucifixes and pussycats.

Well, I think you look
very distinguished.

Like one of those guys that
guards the queen of England.

Regal.

I look like I'm baking bread
in my neck.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Molly.

I'm glad you called.

About tonight...
listen, I was thinking maybe

We could grab
an early dinner and...

Oh, really?

Stomach flu, huh?

She's got the trots.

Yeah, you don't want

To be too far away from home
with that going on.

That's a mistake
you only make once.

You had to buy a new hat
after that, too, huh?

Do you mind?

Listen, I hope you feel better.

And I'll call you
in a couple days.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Poor thing.

She's got it
both ends, no waiting.

Oh, yeah?

You believe that story?

Why wouldn't I?

Well, in my experience,
when a woman cancels a date

The night of,
she's not really sick.

And her Uncle's not really dead,

And her hamster doesn't really
need hip replacement surgery.

Trust me... I know
when a woman's into me,

And this woman
is into me big-time.

You should have
seen her last night.

She was all over me.

Well, then, why'd you
put the brakes on?

I told you... it's because
we're taking it slow.

It's got nothing
to do with my weight.

Hey, I didn't say a word.

That's it. Pull over.

What?

Pull the car over.

All right.

You know, you think
you know everything,

But you don't know squat.

Where are you going?

I'm walking.

Suit yourself.

Crap.

What are you waiting for?

Follow that hat.

So, let me get this straight.

It's a show about guys
driving trucks across icy roads?

Well, there's a lot
more to it than that.

Sometimes the trucks
are hauling lumber,

Sometimes metal pipes.

One time, this guy was hauling
a giant moose in a cage.

Wow. What for?

I don't know.

I guess somebody needed a moose.

Are you stoned?

You're not?

Hello.

How are you?
You Molly?

I am. Can I help you?

Name's Moranto.

Vincent Moranto.

I'm a friend of your mother's.

Okay.

Well, you going to ask me in?

Uh, I wasn't planning on it.

It's all right.

Your mom and I go way back.

I own my own business.

I make the little pillows
they use on airplanes.

Lot of money
in those little pillows

If you're willing
to overlook child labor laws.

Okay.

Your mom tells me you're single.

Yeah, hang on a second.

Mom!

Set of lungs on you, huh?

I like a woman
who's not afraid to let go.

Shows passion.

I like passionate women.

You must be the other daughter.

You're stacked
like a deli sandwich.

Vince, what a surprise.

What surprise?

You called me,
told me to come over.

Did you meet Molly?

Yes, mom, we met.

Vince is a widower.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Hey, people live, people die.

What are you gonna do?

The good news is,
I'm still a vibrant man

With a lot of love
to give the right woman.

Thank you, Viagra.

Vince's wife was a little
on the heavy side,

Wasn't she, Vin?

Precious little butterball.

Had a thing
for pistachio ice cream.

Ate it by the bucket.

Okay, well, nice to meet you.

Mom, can I talk
to you privately?

Excuse us.

No problem.

Doesn't kick in for an hour.

By the way,
if this don't play out

With your sister,
I am on you like stink.

What the hell are you doing?

Just introducing
two nice people.

What's the problem?

The guy's got 20 years
on me, easily.

So he'll die sooner
and leave you with a nice house

And a lot of little pillows.

Look, I know
in your own weird way

You're trying to help,
but don't, okay?

Just go talk to the man.

He drove all the way over
from Evanston.

And with cataracts to boot.

I got to get out of here.
Hey.

You leave me alone with him,

You might come home to find out
you've got a new daddy.

Hi, I'm Marty,
and I'm an overeater.

Hi, Marty.

Since I've been in the program,
I've lost 12 and a half pounds.

Bite me, Marty.

Anyway, it's been
a really inspiring week for me.

I finished third
in the Chicago triathlon,

My new abs video
is selling like gangbusters.

Look at me, I can do a sit-up.

And best of all, I got engaged
to that beautiful swimsuit model

I was telling you about
last week... Rhiannon.

I hope she gives you the clap.

Molly?

Ah, crap.

Molly, wait!

Molly, wait. Molly.

Molly!

Hey, Molly!

Molly!

Hey!

Molly, slow down!

Where you going?

Hey!

Molly. Molly!

Molly!

Molly, stop, please!

I'm begging you.

Why'd you run away?

I don't want
to see you anymore.

I don't want
to see you anymore.

Lot of pretty ladies here
tonight, huh, Samuel?

Shall we begin our approach?

I'm fully engorged.

Whoa, slow down, brother.

You never buy the first
car you see on the lot.

And also remember not to
set your sights too high.

Are you telling me
to pursue ugly women?

Because an ugly woman
I can get without your help.

Hey.

What happened to you?

Molly dumped me.

And you were right,

She was lying about being sick.

Yeah, women don't usually

Play the diarrhea card
until they're done with you.

I thought she was
the one, Carl.

I thought I was gonna spend the
rest of my life with that woman.

With the way you are breathing,

That would have been
just another 20 minutes.

A little sympathy right now
would be appropriate.

I'm really hurting.

Your self-pity
shrivels my gonads.

What?

Do you know in the village
I grew up in,

A large man like you
gets all the women?

Really?
Oh, yes.

A sizeable man represents
great wealth and power.

You go to my country,

You get more ass
than an elephant's back.

That's something to think about.

Location, location, location.

Another pitcher of beer and
more pretzels for my men!

No, no.

No more pretzels.

You've had enough pretzels.

You're supposed
to be on a diet.

The hell with diets.

Why should I struggle
to maintain this figure

If nobody's ever gonna love me?

Hey, I love you.

Thanks, man.

I appreciate that.

You're not gonna
say it back, are you?

Selfish son of a bitch.

If we are willing to take
a risk, there's a girl's number

On the stall door and she is
available to do anything.

No, I already tried it.

It was just some High School kid
calling me a homo.

Hey, we don't need women.

I mean, they don't do anything
but cause problems.

He ain't wrong.

This would be
a much better world

If there were no women
mucking it up.

Just guys hanging out
with other guys.

Not to be a stick in the mud,

But I am not drunk enough
for what you are implying.

And you are implying
stick in the mud, am I right?

No.

No, I'm just saying that we can
have fun without women.

Damn right.

We're three
single, attractive men.

The world is our oyster.

Absolutely.

We can go anywhere,
do anything we want,

And we don't need women
to do it.

Where are we going?
Strip club.

Strip club!

Maybe we should just

Hit a white castle,
call it a night.

No, no.

We're not going home till
we see some naked female bodies.

Excuse me.

Ndugu?

Go cubbies.

Right.

Uh, listen, my man,
could you please

Take us to
the nearest strip club?

Bikini or all nude?

I'm thinking all nude.

Definitely.

If we're going bird watching,
I want to see a bald eagle.

I wonder if some of those women

Don't feel comfortable
getting totally nude.

Well, then they should've
finished High School.

No, I'm saying, maybe
taking your clothes off

In front of strangers
can be a little scary.

I knew it.

I knew that's what was
going on with you.

You were right, Carl.

But I had to come to it myself.

Well, I should know
not to push you.

Give me some love.

If they start kissing,
pull over and I'll walk home.

And by "home" I mean Africa.

Wait, wait, what do I say here?

Just start talking and see
where the liquor takes you.

You're a good friend, Carl.

I really do love you.

I'm sorry I hesitated before.

That's all right, man.

I know what's in your heart.

And I love you, Samuel.

And I know when I get to know
you better, I will love you.

Ndugu.

And ndugu to you, too.

What the hell is this,
the little rascals?

I apologize for the lateness
of the hour, Mrs. Flynn,

But I really need
to talk to Molly.

Well, she doesn't
want to talk to you.

Eh, she didn't let the liquor
get a word in edgewise.

So, what now?

Strip club?

No.

So far this week, I've lost
three hats and a girlfriend,

And I ain't calling it a night
until I get one of them back.

Uh, what is the significance of
"three hats and a girlfriend"?

I don't know.

A lot of what they say
is just gibberish to me.

What the hell?

♪ when chains are torn ♪

♪ by courage born ♪

♪ a time when dreams ♪

♪ so long denied ♪

♪ can flourish ♪

Sweet Jesus, what are you doing?

Thy mother shall not
keep me from thy maidenhead.

Am I the only one touched

By the romance of this moment?

No.

I feel it, too.

Yeah, it's a hallmark
moment until Romeo falls

And crushes us to death.

Are you crazy?

You're gonna kill yourself.

I don't care.

I need to tell you something.

The other night when we were
kissing and you invited me in,

I panicked because
I didn't want you

To see me without my clothes on.

What? Why?

I was hoping to lose
a little weight first,

So you'd be turned on by me.

Oh, Mike.

How much weight
are you talking about?

I don't know, 160 pounds.

You idiot.

I don't know
if you've noticed this,

But I'm not exactly perfect.

You are to me.

Get in here.

All right, but I've
had a lot to drink

And the first one might
not be that great.

Just get in here.

Mike? Mike?

Now that's not something
you see every day.

A house giving birth.

Hey, little help!

Hey, Molly?
What?

Tonight's probably
not gonna happen.

I understand.

I just really want our
first time to be perfect.

Me, too.

I'm sorry if you felt like
I was rushing things.

I just really wanted you.

I want you, too.

♪ a time for love... ♪

Okay.

Try and get a little sleep.

Yeah, sleep's good.

Good night, Molly.

Good night, Mike.

Good night, Carl.

Good night, Mike.

Good night, Molly.

Good night, Carl.

Good night, Samuel.

Good night, Molly.

Good night, Samuel.

Good night, Mike.

Good night, Samuel.

Good night, Carl.

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