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1
00:00:04,773 --> 00:00:07,009
_
2
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,641
Are you all ready for Clare's sleepover?
3
00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:11,309
Yep, I packed a sound machine
4
00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:12,711
with Mommy's voice on it,
5
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:14,780
- Aw.
- My own toilet paper,
6
00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:16,681
and this bag is all flares.
7
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,917
Wow. Well, you're either
ready for a sleepover
8
00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:21,420
or a night in a women's
prison. (chuckles)
9
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:22,754
Did you pack your toothbrush?
10
00:00:23,018 --> 00:00:24,885
I get money when my teeth fall out,
11
00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:27,091
so why would I brush them?
12
00:00:28,237 --> 00:00:29,435
Fine.
13
00:00:30,310 --> 00:00:32,664
Okay, go. Come on, don't take too long.
14
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:35,628
Okay, she is so not
ready for a sleepover.
15
00:00:35,634 --> 00:00:37,285
- (sighs)
- Listen, I was the same way
16
00:00:37,290 --> 00:00:38,469
when I was her age.
17
00:00:38,470 --> 00:00:40,060
I mean, once I was a
teenager, you know, I'd sleep
18
00:00:40,066 --> 00:00:42,815
- with anybody who asked me.
- We can't let her miss this.
19
00:00:42,821 --> 00:00:45,182
What if something incredible
happens at the slumber party
20
00:00:45,188 --> 00:00:46,845
and, the next day, everyone's
talking about it at school
21
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,380
and she missed it?
22
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:51,468
For years, she's just gonna
feel like a stupid little boy.
23
00:00:51,474 --> 00:00:53,260
I am not listening to the story
24
00:00:53,266 --> 00:00:54,953
about your friend's mom's boobs again.
25
00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:57,794
I was nine years old, Jerry
Dervin was having a sleepover,
26
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,357
- and I was too scared to go.
- I know.
27
00:00:59,366 --> 00:01:01,372
And so you missed seeing his mom's boobs
28
00:01:01,378 --> 00:01:02,928
through the crack in the bathroom door.
29
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:04,863
You make it sound so unromantic.
30
00:01:05,162 --> 00:01:07,153
My friend Stiffy said they were soapy.
31
00:01:07,395 --> 00:01:08,934
That's the night he got his nickname.
32
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:11,303
Oh, honey, I know. I
have seen your paintings.
33
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:14,539
Look, I don't want Sophia to be
filled with childhood regrets.
34
00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:16,508
We've already given her so many.
35
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,389
Okay, you know what, fine.
36
00:01:18,395 --> 00:01:20,981
You take her to the sleepover,
but this is just like sex...
37
00:01:20,987 --> 00:01:23,048
if you make a mess,
you're cleaning it up.
38
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,516
(gasps)
39
00:01:25,868 --> 00:01:26,705
(doorbell rings)
40
00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:28,400
Hey, Soph, I know
you're a little nervous,
41
00:01:28,406 --> 00:01:31,156
but I got two words
for you: you're ready.
42
00:01:31,158 --> 00:01:34,648
Thanks, Daddy. And I've
got two words for you:
43
00:01:34,875 --> 00:01:37,100
emergency diarrhea.
44
00:01:38,497 --> 00:01:39,959
- Hey there!
- Hey. Oh...
45
00:01:40,138 --> 00:01:41,250
She's fine.
46
00:01:41,256 --> 00:01:42,968
She's just running off
to use your restroom.
47
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:45,043
Don't worry, she brought
her own toilet paper.
48
00:01:45,049 --> 00:01:46,505
(chuckles) We'll take good care of her.
49
00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,347
Oh, I'm sure she's gonna have a blast.
50
00:01:48,353 --> 00:01:49,586
And look at you!
51
00:01:49,827 --> 00:01:51,877
Sure glad there's a grandma here.
52
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:55,046
I hate the sound of children's voices.
53
00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,781
I'm just here because I'm...
54
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:59,392
"not good to live on my own."
55
00:02:00,750 --> 00:02:04,202
They really are the greatest
generation, aren't they?
56
00:02:05,192 --> 00:02:08,003
- (whirring)
- Oh.
57
00:02:08,246 --> 00:02:10,028
Hey, sexy.
58
00:02:10,996 --> 00:02:13,932
I see you've put your own mask on first.
59
00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,669
You gonna assist me now?
60
00:02:15,675 --> 00:02:17,541
- (phone rings)
- (sighs)
61
00:02:20,254 --> 00:02:21,177
Hello?
62
00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:22,320
Hi, Deb.
63
00:02:23,484 --> 00:02:25,630
Well, I-I didn't know that
she could shimmy out a window,
64
00:02:25,636 --> 00:02:28,186
but I'm glad she couldn't
start your minivan.
65
00:02:28,311 --> 00:02:29,381
Yeah, okay.
66
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:30,709
Yeah, o-okay.
67
00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:32,751
I'll go over there and
talk her through this.
68
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:35,220
I have a nice calm
demeanor, and I'm easy...
69
00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:37,822
- (shouts) Oh, you son of a bitch!
- Oh, oh, babe, babe, babe...
70
00:02:37,980 --> 00:02:39,630
This... mm.
71
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,593
Good luck.
72
00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:43,553
SOPHIA: I'm sorry, Daddy.
73
00:02:43,643 --> 00:02:46,334
It just... gets to be night,
74
00:02:46,340 --> 00:02:49,701
and that's a very
complicated time for me.
75
00:02:49,958 --> 00:02:51,169
Honey, listen.
76
00:02:51,575 --> 00:02:52,704
You know, it's easy to quit,
77
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,158
but sometimes, when you quit,
78
00:02:54,164 --> 00:02:56,375
you miss out on something special.
79
00:02:56,452 --> 00:02:59,015
Or two things very special.
80
00:02:59,541 --> 00:03:00,562
And soapy.
81
00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:03,782
So don't miss this
or you will regret it.
82
00:03:03,927 --> 00:03:05,326
So you're not taking her home?
83
00:03:05,332 --> 00:03:07,499
No, she's gonna be fine. Right, honey?
84
00:03:07,546 --> 00:03:10,689
Sure, if that's the standard of
mental health we're going for.
85
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:11,918
See? She's fine.
86
00:03:11,924 --> 00:03:13,461
Yeah. Sounds like it.
87
00:03:14,246 --> 00:03:15,820
Yeah. Hey, Soph.
88
00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:19,333
What if I stay here with you
89
00:03:19,339 --> 00:03:20,999
just until you fall asleep?
90
00:03:21,253 --> 00:03:22,734
You'd do that?
91
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:25,904
(loud, erratic snoring)
92
00:03:26,476 --> 00:03:29,210
He sounds like the bear
from The Revenant.
93
00:03:29,346 --> 00:03:31,778
- (snoring stops)
- My mom lets me watch R-rated movies.
94
00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:34,379
- SOPHIA: I think he's done.
- Yeah,
95
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,814
done breathing.
96
00:03:36,159 --> 00:03:38,125
He's dead. I can tell.
97
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:40,379
My mom lets me watch the news.
98
00:03:41,664 --> 00:03:42,769
Dad?
99
00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:46,470
Dad?
100
00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:49,332
(gasps loudly)
101
00:03:49,338 --> 00:03:52,528
(all screaming)
102
00:03:57,578 --> 00:03:59,771
Maybe you should just take me home.
103
00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:03,557
I need to check on my stuffed animals.
104
00:04:03,563 --> 00:04:06,211
I hear there are clowns
in the neighborhood.
105
00:04:06,213 --> 00:04:08,647
(shushing)
106
00:04:08,836 --> 00:04:10,715
I'll be your stuffed animal.
107
00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:13,485
I'm soft and I'm fuzzy and
I'll guard the door for you
108
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,579
'cause I love you and
you're my favorite little...
109
00:04:17,868 --> 00:04:19,324
Sophia?
110
00:04:20,107 --> 00:04:21,973
Well, that's a little rude.
111
00:04:21,993 --> 00:04:23,094
(Clare clears throat)
112
00:04:23,361 --> 00:04:24,627
I'm still listening.
113
00:04:24,684 --> 00:04:26,150
I don't have a dad.
114
00:04:26,629 --> 00:04:29,456
Yeah, life's rough. Happy birthday.
115
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:34,951
Oh! Geez.
116
00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:38,710
Mom, keep your robe on!
117
00:04:39,239 --> 00:04:40,705
Must've slipped off.
118
00:04:40,711 --> 00:04:42,640
(sighs) I'm sorry.
119
00:04:42,646 --> 00:04:45,483
(Rusted Root's "Send
Me on My Way" playing)
120
00:04:46,761 --> 00:04:50,571
On my way, on my way
121
00:04:50,577 --> 00:04:54,959
I would like to
reach out my hand
122
00:04:55,866 --> 00:04:57,383
Are you lost?
123
00:04:58,273 --> 00:04:59,478
Not anymore.
124
00:04:59,484 --> 00:05:02,063
On my way, on my way
125
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:04,870
You know what they
say about the young
126
00:05:05,887 --> 00:05:08,306
You know what they
say about the young.
127
00:05:08,795 --> 00:05:10,427
_
128
00:05:10,433 --> 00:05:11,153
No, I'm gonna have it.
129
00:05:11,158 --> 00:05:13,079
- No. Ah, mm. I got it.
- (giggles)
130
00:05:13,274 --> 00:05:14,464
Morning.
131
00:05:14,470 --> 00:05:17,040
Oh. Good morning, Moany Groany.
132
00:05:17,046 --> 00:05:19,568
Oh, no. Was I making noise
in my sleep last night?
133
00:05:19,574 --> 00:05:22,652
Sounded like you were having
a pretty sexy dream about us.
134
00:05:22,658 --> 00:05:25,990
Tell me, was it Bearded
Greg or Not Bearded Greg?
135
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:29,344
Um, no, actually, it... you
know, it wasn't about you.
136
00:05:29,350 --> 00:05:31,162
I'm so sorry. But don't worry,
137
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,297
you're still in my recurring dream
138
00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:34,273
about us swapping haircuts.
139
00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:36,735
Was it the UPS guy? 'Cause
those are calf implants.
140
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:38,725
Do you think maybe we could
just, like, stop talking
141
00:05:38,731 --> 00:05:40,738
about it? 'Cause it kind
of makes me uncomfortable.
142
00:05:40,744 --> 00:05:42,461
- Sure, no problem.
- Okay.
143
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,978
Besides, we're late for brunch anyways.
144
00:05:43,984 --> 00:05:47,139
- Mom is making Scrambled Greggs.
- Hey, I have a fun idea.
145
00:05:47,145 --> 00:05:50,623
What if we skipped brunch
and then went somewhere
146
00:05:50,629 --> 00:05:54,565
where, like, your family maybe... isn't?
147
00:05:54,612 --> 00:05:56,270
(gasps) You had a sex dream
148
00:05:56,276 --> 00:05:58,290
- about someone in my family?
- N...
149
00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,705
Tell me it wasn't Matt, Jen, and I swear
150
00:06:00,711 --> 00:06:03,409
we will never talk
about this ever again,
151
00:06:03,415 --> 00:06:05,563
case closed, end of story.
152
00:06:06,207 --> 00:06:07,465
It wasn't Matt.
153
00:06:07,819 --> 00:06:09,713
(laughs)
154
00:06:09,719 --> 00:06:11,603
It was Matt. I know it.
155
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:14,736
Maybe it was me. They taught
us about this in medical school.
156
00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:16,033
Women just love doctors.
157
00:06:16,039 --> 00:06:18,710
So if you're asking me to be less sexy,
158
00:06:19,103 --> 00:06:21,251
sorry, I just don't know how.
159
00:06:21,528 --> 00:06:23,073
That son of a bitch.
160
00:06:23,106 --> 00:06:25,001
I mean, if he thinks he's
gonna take something of mine,
161
00:06:25,007 --> 00:06:26,763
watch, I'm gonna take something of his.
162
00:06:26,769 --> 00:06:29,268
Yes. I've been waiting for
an affair in this family
163
00:06:29,274 --> 00:06:30,332
for a long time.
164
00:06:30,338 --> 00:06:31,759
Wait, what? No.
165
00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:35,393
No, I am going to make
Colleen have a dream about me.
166
00:06:35,518 --> 00:06:38,062
You just watch. I'm
gonna get in her head.
167
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:41,341
Speaking of dreams coming true,
remind me to tell you about
168
00:06:41,347 --> 00:06:43,047
the sexy thing that just happened to me
169
00:06:43,053 --> 00:06:44,813
at a little girl's sleepover.
170
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:51,607
(laughing)
171
00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:54,474
So, he calls me, my trainer,
172
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,839
and he tells me that I got
to take a day off. And I said,
173
00:06:56,845 --> 00:06:59,277
"Dude, do you even know
who you're talking to?"
174
00:06:59,283 --> 00:07:01,085
- (laughs)
- (chuckles)
175
00:07:01,861 --> 00:07:03,428
Are you... are you talking to me?
176
00:07:03,434 --> 00:07:04,589
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
177
00:07:04,866 --> 00:07:05,961
- Oh.
- Out of all the people
178
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:08,301
- in this brunch, and I am talking to you.
- Oh.
179
00:07:08,385 --> 00:07:09,717
(groans)
180
00:07:10,601 --> 00:07:11,919
See anything you like?
181
00:07:12,421 --> 00:07:14,210
Your shoe's in the lox.
182
00:07:15,762 --> 00:07:17,339
I knew that.
183
00:07:18,876 --> 00:07:21,118
Look, Greg, I-I know what you're doing.
184
00:07:21,124 --> 00:07:22,279
Oh, yeah? What's that?
185
00:07:22,285 --> 00:07:23,745
Jen's dream wasn't about Matt.
186
00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:25,280
- (sighs): It wasn't?
- Mm-mm.
187
00:07:25,282 --> 00:07:26,607
So she told you about it?
188
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,851
Just relax. Sex dreams
don't mean anything.
189
00:07:28,853 --> 00:07:30,868
It's, like, whatever
sticks out in your head.
190
00:07:30,874 --> 00:07:32,938
And what sticks out more than red hair?
191
00:07:35,211 --> 00:07:36,323
GREG: Tyler?
192
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:38,957
Hey.
193
00:07:38,963 --> 00:07:40,149
'Sup, Taylor?
194
00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:41,955
- Me?
- Yeah.
195
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,322
Is Taylor a nickname for Tyler?
196
00:07:43,324 --> 00:07:45,024
'Cause I honestly like that better.
197
00:07:45,026 --> 00:07:47,159
You know my name's Tyler, right?
198
00:07:47,161 --> 00:07:48,236
Whatever. Doesn't matter.
199
00:07:48,242 --> 00:07:50,229
Hey, remember that time
you pooped your pants?
200
00:07:50,495 --> 00:07:51,855
Yeah, I was, like, four years old.
201
00:07:51,861 --> 00:07:53,160
Why would you bring that up?
202
00:07:53,234 --> 00:07:54,773
No reason. I just think it's important
203
00:07:54,779 --> 00:07:56,772
that people remember that
you pooped your pants.
204
00:07:56,874 --> 00:07:58,704
Didn't you poop your pants in college?
205
00:07:58,706 --> 00:07:59,838
No.
206
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,307
I pooped my shorts.
207
00:08:06,673 --> 00:08:08,160
Dear, I'm sure many people
208
00:08:08,166 --> 00:08:10,239
have had sex dreams about you.
209
00:08:10,442 --> 00:08:11,884
I think you're very sexy.
210
00:08:11,886 --> 00:08:13,786
You have to say that. You're my mom.
211
00:08:14,031 --> 00:08:16,322
Hey, Greg. Listen.
212
00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:18,190
Tyler told me you're being mean to him.
213
00:08:18,192 --> 00:08:18,943
Mom!
214
00:08:18,949 --> 00:08:20,355
No, that's because Jen
215
00:08:20,361 --> 00:08:21,994
had a sex dream about Tyler. (gasps)
216
00:08:21,996 --> 00:08:23,095
Mom!
217
00:08:23,097 --> 00:08:24,630
- For real?
- See?
218
00:08:24,632 --> 00:08:26,632
I told you other people
find you attractive.
219
00:08:26,634 --> 00:08:28,619
You have to say that. You're my wife.
220
00:08:28,635 --> 00:08:30,300
Hey, Jen. Who'd you dream about,
221
00:08:30,306 --> 00:08:32,071
me or this human stick figure?
222
00:08:32,276 --> 00:08:33,441
I'm your son.
223
00:08:33,499 --> 00:08:34,440
JEN: Uh...
224
00:08:34,442 --> 00:08:36,392
believe it or not, neither of you.
225
00:08:36,398 --> 00:08:37,710
But thank you, Greg.
226
00:08:37,712 --> 00:08:39,423
You know how much I love this.
227
00:08:39,429 --> 00:08:42,047
Oh, come on, Jen, just tell us
all who your dream was about.
228
00:08:42,049 --> 00:08:44,717
Yeah, honey, because Tyler
is the only one with red hair,
229
00:08:44,719 --> 00:08:47,052
(laughs): unless you had a
dream about my mom, which...
230
00:08:47,155 --> 00:08:48,321
Ah.
231
00:08:49,170 --> 00:08:50,089
Oh, God.
232
00:08:50,091 --> 00:08:51,724
Okay. It was about Cheeto.
233
00:08:53,094 --> 00:08:56,195
- The puppet?
- I got to get this hinge fixed, hmm?
234
00:09:00,898 --> 00:09:01,867
Happy?
235
00:09:01,869 --> 00:09:03,035
No.
236
00:09:03,037 --> 00:09:04,570
Wh-Why didn't you just tell me?
237
00:09:04,572 --> 00:09:06,105
Well, because it was...
238
00:09:06,419 --> 00:09:09,108
- incredibly sensual.
- Oh.
239
00:09:09,110 --> 00:09:11,590
- Not sure where to go with it, you know.
- No, no, no, no.
240
00:09:15,246 --> 00:09:15,981
(sighs)
241
00:09:16,131 --> 00:09:18,256
- It was me, wasn't it?
- Yep.
242
00:09:19,987 --> 00:09:21,215
Be careful, be careful.
243
00:09:21,221 --> 00:09:22,750
I'll dial "nine-one" now,
244
00:09:22,756 --> 00:09:26,448
and if you need me to, yell,
and I'll dial the last "one."
245
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:28,938
_
246
00:09:30,716 --> 00:09:31,636
John.
247
00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:33,086
Where were you?
248
00:09:33,088 --> 00:09:35,189
The neighborhood watch
meeting was today.
249
00:09:35,191 --> 00:09:37,572
I texted you that I couldn't come.
250
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,415
I didn't get any text from you.
251
00:09:39,994 --> 00:09:40,961
Huh?
252
00:09:40,963 --> 00:09:41,983
Oh.
253
00:09:41,989 --> 00:09:44,623
I accidentally texted Greg. (chuckles)
254
00:09:44,867 --> 00:09:46,633
I thought it was weird
that you weren't going
255
00:09:46,639 --> 00:09:48,310
because you were playing laser tag
256
00:09:48,316 --> 00:09:49,654
with your friend Warren.
257
00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:52,607
You know I haven't played
laser tag since I was banned.
258
00:09:52,609 --> 00:09:54,308
Well, I can't keep
track of all the things
259
00:09:54,310 --> 00:09:55,510
you've been banned from.
260
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:56,778
How was the meeting?
261
00:09:56,780 --> 00:09:57,945
I was banned.
262
00:09:57,947 --> 00:09:59,280
- Hmm.
- But before that,
263
00:09:59,282 --> 00:10:01,115
I learned that there's been an increase
264
00:10:01,117 --> 00:10:03,451
- in neighborhood break-ins.
- Mm-hmm.
265
00:10:03,453 --> 00:10:06,087
And so on the way home,
I stopped and I got this.
266
00:10:06,089 --> 00:10:08,656
This is a motion sensor light.
267
00:10:08,658 --> 00:10:11,893
It blinds the intruder
and disorients them.
268
00:10:11,895 --> 00:10:14,994
And then you get a very thin wire.
269
00:10:15,151 --> 00:10:18,366
You put it around their
neck, and when they go limp,
270
00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:21,402
you whisper, "Lights out."
271
00:10:21,644 --> 00:10:24,639
I thought it just turns
on when it senses motion.
272
00:10:24,641 --> 00:10:26,897
Maybe. I didn't read the box.
273
00:10:30,914 --> 00:10:33,247
(snoring softly)
274
00:10:33,249 --> 00:10:34,415
(gasps, screams)
275
00:10:35,151 --> 00:10:36,692
- Hmm?
- John.
276
00:10:37,146 --> 00:10:38,425
John, it's on.
277
00:10:38,662 --> 00:10:40,154
Okay. Can we just cuddle for a second?
278
00:10:40,156 --> 00:10:41,739
I'm not a machine, you know.
279
00:10:41,745 --> 00:10:42,924
No, John.
280
00:10:42,926 --> 00:10:45,679
- The light's on. Someone's out there.
- Oh. Oh.
281
00:10:45,710 --> 00:10:48,062
All right, I'll go take a look.
282
00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,630
If I don't come back alive,
283
00:10:49,632 --> 00:10:52,700
you can have what's left
of my hoagie in the fridge.
284
00:10:52,702 --> 00:10:54,159
- Be careful.
- Mm.
285
00:11:06,311 --> 00:11:09,090
Ah, you damn son of a bitch!
286
00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:10,731
(groans)
287
00:11:15,599 --> 00:11:18,523
Ah... it'll turn up.
288
00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:21,220
I didn't see anything.
289
00:11:21,226 --> 00:11:23,564
- It's clowns.
- What?
290
00:11:23,566 --> 00:11:25,299
I just read an article on the Internet
291
00:11:25,301 --> 00:11:27,668
about clowns terrorizing people.
292
00:11:28,045 --> 00:11:30,446
The light was on, I
could see everything.
293
00:11:30,531 --> 00:11:31,606
There were no clowns.
294
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,509
They probably made the
light go off, and then hid
295
00:11:33,515 --> 00:11:35,691
in the bushes... that's what
clowns do, they play tricks.
296
00:11:35,697 --> 00:11:38,012
You know I have a
problem with clowns, John!
297
00:11:38,014 --> 00:11:40,348
I promise you there were no clowns.
298
00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:42,750
Now I'm going back to sleep.
299
00:11:42,756 --> 00:11:44,727
- Mm-hmm.
- (screams)
300
00:11:44,733 --> 00:11:47,309
Oh, all right, I'm going.
301
00:11:57,118 --> 00:11:58,851
(gunshot)
302
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:02,937
There it is.
303
00:12:05,193 --> 00:12:05,973
Nothing.
304
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,475
I heard a gunshot.
305
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,377
I didn't see anything.
306
00:12:09,379 --> 00:12:11,646
But clowns can hide anywhere.
307
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:14,248
Have you seen how many
can fit into a car?
308
00:12:14,250 --> 00:12:16,384
- (doorbell rings, knocking)
- Oh! They're here!
309
00:12:16,386 --> 00:12:18,152
- (groans)
- They're here.
310
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:20,755
Don't sniff their fake flowers.
311
00:12:20,757 --> 00:12:22,857
- (knocking on door)
- Hey, Darryl.
312
00:12:22,859 --> 00:12:24,230
That floodlight you got on
313
00:12:24,236 --> 00:12:25,877
is flooding us out of our own bedroom.
314
00:12:25,901 --> 00:12:28,260
We're trying to get
busy, and you lit us up.
315
00:12:28,284 --> 00:12:29,263
We're already lit.
316
00:12:29,265 --> 00:12:31,679
Yeah, I'm sorry, Darryl;
my wife made me install
317
00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:34,402
this motion detector because
there's been some crimes...
318
00:12:34,404 --> 00:12:35,539
- You know what a crime is?
- Mm.
319
00:12:35,545 --> 00:12:37,571
A crime is you interrupting my sex life.
320
00:12:37,577 --> 00:12:39,807
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, okay?
321
00:12:39,809 --> 00:12:41,409
Yeah, well, I'll unscrew the bulb.
322
00:12:41,411 --> 00:12:43,244
We like to get busy in
the dark, so I can pretend
323
00:12:43,246 --> 00:12:45,012
I have both my feet
again. You understand?
324
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,935
I said I'll unscrew the bulb.
325
00:12:46,941 --> 00:12:48,516
Please unscrew the
bulb. It's hard to get
326
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:50,123
back into character when
you're role-playing, okay?
327
00:12:50,129 --> 00:12:51,419
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- Okay?
328
00:12:51,421 --> 00:12:52,954
Whew.
329
00:12:54,964 --> 00:12:57,625
I wonder what the light is
missing now that it's off.
330
00:12:57,901 --> 00:13:00,127
It's things that you
don't see that get you.
331
00:13:00,129 --> 00:13:03,600
Like brain-sucking
amoeba in the tap water.
332
00:13:05,092 --> 00:13:07,335
You don't need any
light when you got me,
333
00:13:07,337 --> 00:13:08,669
or this Taser.
334
00:13:08,671 --> 00:13:10,365
That's a TV remote.
335
00:13:10,371 --> 00:13:12,113
Yeah, but the bad guys don't know that,
336
00:13:12,119 --> 00:13:14,042
especially with the light off.
337
00:13:14,057 --> 00:13:16,777
John, please go outside and
make sure everything's okay.
338
00:13:16,779 --> 00:13:18,649
You want me to check
when the light goes on,
339
00:13:18,655 --> 00:13:20,681
now you want me to
check when it doesn't.
340
00:13:20,683 --> 00:13:22,750
And all the other times, too.
341
00:13:26,867 --> 00:13:28,127
What are you doing?
342
00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:29,924
Get back, or I'll kick you in the face!
343
00:13:29,926 --> 00:13:31,058
You get back!
344
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,326
Is that a TV remote?
345
00:13:32,328 --> 00:13:33,961
You're holding a fake leg.
346
00:13:33,963 --> 00:13:35,730
Oh, sorry, I thought you were a clown.
347
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,598
Were you stealing my trash?
348
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:38,699
No, I...
349
00:13:38,701 --> 00:13:39,700
Okay, look.
350
00:13:39,702 --> 00:13:41,569
It's been me setting your light off.
351
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:44,005
I've been hiding my fast-food
wrappers in your garbage can.
352
00:13:44,007 --> 00:13:45,539
Well, that's weird. Why don't you just
353
00:13:45,541 --> 00:13:48,209
hide some vodka bottles
or a dead body in there,
354
00:13:48,215 --> 00:13:49,410
like normal people?
355
00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:51,479
Pam does not like me to
eat that kind of food.
356
00:13:51,481 --> 00:13:52,813
She's freaking out that I'm gonna
357
00:13:52,815 --> 00:13:54,937
endanger the livelihood of my other leg.
358
00:13:54,943 --> 00:13:56,674
When she said "livelihood"
I didn't know what the hell
359
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,181
she was talking
about... like this leg is
360
00:13:58,187 --> 00:13:59,675
earning money for us or something.
361
00:13:59,785 --> 00:14:00,921
You know, Joan doesn't like
362
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,456
me eating fast food either.
363
00:14:02,747 --> 00:14:04,047
I thought you were Joan.
364
00:14:04,053 --> 00:14:05,319
I'm John.
365
00:14:05,325 --> 00:14:06,984
That's what I said... Joan.
366
00:14:14,223 --> 00:14:15,444
- Did you hear that?
- (gasps)
367
00:14:15,450 --> 00:14:17,436
What? I didn't hear anything.
368
00:14:17,442 --> 00:14:20,543
I did. I better go check it out.
369
00:14:22,545 --> 00:14:24,818
- Mmm.
- Oh, this is the life.
370
00:14:24,824 --> 00:14:27,748
Is it the life or not? Ooh!
371
00:14:27,750 --> 00:14:30,918
Maybe tomorrow night, you could
bring a couple of good cigars.
372
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:31,986
Oh...
373
00:14:31,988 --> 00:14:33,821
See, I'm not allowed to do that either.
374
00:14:33,823 --> 00:14:35,498
(puffing) I would love that.
375
00:14:35,504 --> 00:14:37,552
I would love a good stogie. (laughs)
376
00:14:37,558 --> 00:14:40,661
- Oh, oh, cheers. Mmm. (grunts)
- Cheers. Mmm.
377
00:14:40,663 --> 00:14:42,863
Oh, I got a brain freeze. (groans)
378
00:14:44,434 --> 00:14:46,300
What are you doing up?
You can't sleep either?
379
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:48,481
I am not a great sleeper.
380
00:14:48,487 --> 00:14:50,233
I've actually woken up in the middle
381
00:14:50,239 --> 00:14:52,172
of four different surgeries.
382
00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:54,898
_
383
00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:58,391
- Mmm. Oh, man. This is so good.
- Oh, God.
384
00:14:58,397 --> 00:14:59,997
Baby, you want in on that?
385
00:14:59,999 --> 00:15:01,665
- Yes, I do.
- Oh, come on.
386
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:04,034
But now that we're not eloping,
I'm on this crazy juice diet
387
00:15:04,036 --> 00:15:05,848
- for the wedding. (groans)
- (phone chimes)
388
00:15:05,854 --> 00:15:08,134
Oh, I have to go to the calligrapher's
389
00:15:08,140 --> 00:15:09,439
for the invitations.
390
00:15:09,718 --> 00:15:12,276
- She gets to be fat. (groans)
- Mm.
391
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:14,278
- Bye. Mm.
- Good-bye.
392
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,791
Oh, hey!
393
00:15:15,940 --> 00:15:18,315
Listen, don't do anything
in the common areas
394
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:20,284
you don't want me joining in on.
395
00:15:20,801 --> 00:15:22,012
- I been working out.
- Mm.
396
00:15:22,017 --> 00:15:23,124
I can lift both of you.
397
00:15:23,125 --> 00:15:24,087
(laughs)
398
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,208
Morning, Dougie.
399
00:15:25,214 --> 00:15:26,675
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
400
00:15:28,432 --> 00:15:30,127
Who ate my pot roast?
401
00:15:30,129 --> 00:15:33,436
It wasn't me. I have not
eaten anything in two weeks.
402
00:15:33,442 --> 00:15:35,027
Neither one of us ate
your pot roast, Dougie,
403
00:15:35,033 --> 00:15:37,433
just like neither one of
us ate your shark jerky.
404
00:15:37,439 --> 00:15:39,773
That sounds like the
kind of brave a man gets
405
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,839
when he has a stomach full of red meat.
406
00:15:43,292 --> 00:15:44,303
(huffs)
407
00:15:44,542 --> 00:15:47,311
I'm gonna turn around,
I'm gonna count to ten.
408
00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:48,996
I want whoever ate that pot roast
409
00:15:49,002 --> 00:15:51,898
to put it back, no questions asked.
410
00:15:52,228 --> 00:15:53,034
Put it back?
411
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,184
- I don't know.
- One...
412
00:15:54,190 --> 00:15:56,787
- (commentator speaking over TV)
- Okay, this one...
413
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:59,256
Which font do you like best
for wedding invitations,
414
00:15:59,258 --> 00:16:01,058
Old English or Prison Tattoo?
415
00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:03,293
They're the same.
416
00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:05,507
Well, then it shouldn't be
hard for you to make a decision.
417
00:16:05,513 --> 00:16:06,522
(doorbell rings)
418
00:16:06,528 --> 00:16:08,294
All this wedding planning is so hard
419
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:10,100
for me to do on my own.
420
00:16:10,977 --> 00:16:12,282
(gasps)
421
00:16:13,696 --> 00:16:15,930
Are you Colleen Ortega?
422
00:16:16,312 --> 00:16:18,442
Sure. Uh, Colleen,
423
00:16:18,444 --> 00:16:21,235
did you order something
from ChocolateFountains.com?
424
00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:22,841
Mm... no.
425
00:16:23,175 --> 00:16:25,003
(gasps) What do you think it is?
426
00:16:27,107 --> 00:16:28,200
Dougie, open up.
427
00:16:28,206 --> 00:16:29,739
I know you're in there.
428
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,455
The door's warm.
429
00:16:31,829 --> 00:16:32,823
Ah.
430
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:36,026
Did you go on my account and
order a chocolate fountain?
431
00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:37,950
Why would I need another one
432
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:41,606
when this one serves all
of my chocolate needs?
433
00:16:42,429 --> 00:16:43,967
(sucks teeth)
434
00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:46,399
COLLEEN: Oh, wow, Celeste,
435
00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:49,740
that really clears
it all up. Thank you.
436
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:51,303
So you really bought it, huh?
437
00:16:51,309 --> 00:16:54,273
Yeah. And apparently I spent three hours
438
00:16:54,279 --> 00:16:56,079
on the phone last night
with customer service
439
00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:57,934
discussing wedding fountains and you
440
00:16:57,940 --> 00:16:59,506
and our first sexual experience.
441
00:17:00,918 --> 00:17:01,714
What?
442
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,200
Don't worry, she said that you sound
443
00:17:03,206 --> 00:17:05,106
like a very generous lover.
444
00:17:05,257 --> 00:17:07,887
- And you don't remember any of this?
- No.
445
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:09,755
See, maybe you did eat the pot roast.
446
00:17:09,761 --> 00:17:12,740
Okay, the last thing I remember
is taking a sleeping pill.
447
00:17:12,746 --> 00:17:14,968
- Oh, yeah. That's a thing.
- Mm-hmm.
448
00:17:14,974 --> 00:17:16,366
Sleeping pill haze.
449
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:17,834
(gasps) Maybe that's it.
450
00:17:17,836 --> 00:17:19,636
My friend Brad, he was taking them.
451
00:17:19,638 --> 00:17:22,269
He had no idea that he
bought a purple Miata online
452
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:24,307
in the middle of the night.
And then the next night...
453
00:17:24,309 --> 00:17:26,443
you know that movie
We Bought a Zoo...
454
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:27,783
he bought it on Blu-ray.
455
00:17:27,789 --> 00:17:30,313
- Oh, G... That's it. Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
456
00:17:30,315 --> 00:17:32,294
These sleeping pills are
costing me too much money.
457
00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:34,066
I can't afford to sleep.
458
00:17:39,791 --> 00:17:42,092
- Psst, Matt, I can't sleep.
- Hmm?
459
00:17:42,094 --> 00:17:43,894
I keep thinking about the wedding.
460
00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:45,938
No, baby, you look great.
461
00:17:47,351 --> 00:17:48,730
(sighs)
462
00:17:51,198 --> 00:17:53,870
Oh. You don't have to bury your condoms
463
00:17:53,872 --> 00:17:55,605
at the bottom of the trash.
464
00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:57,541
I know you guys do it.
465
00:17:57,543 --> 00:17:59,275
I'm looking for my sleeping pills.
466
00:17:59,281 --> 00:18:00,205
I need them.
467
00:18:00,211 --> 00:18:01,873
Mm, I know what that's like,
468
00:18:01,879 --> 00:18:03,713
craving something you can't have,
469
00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:06,503
like a bra that fits
your beans just right.
470
00:18:06,509 --> 00:18:09,453
(sighs) What are you still
doing up? You can't sleep either?
471
00:18:09,459 --> 00:18:12,694
Nah, I have to be up early
for the Korean Snapchats.
472
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:15,406
- Ah! There they are. Whew.
- (grunts)
473
00:18:15,633 --> 00:18:17,394
Well, if you're gonna be
up anyway, would you mind
474
00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:20,363
keeping an eye on me so I don't
do anything crazy in my sleep?
475
00:18:20,365 --> 00:18:22,101
I've been doing that anyway.
476
00:18:22,107 --> 00:18:24,983
But it feels nice to be asked.
477
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,822
COLLEEN: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no!
478
00:18:30,828 --> 00:18:34,377
(gasps) Dougie, I thought you
were gonna watch me last night.
479
00:18:34,379 --> 00:18:35,958
Matt is going to kill me!
480
00:18:35,964 --> 00:18:39,406
No, this? This was my
post-church breakfast.
481
00:18:39,412 --> 00:18:41,885
You slept like a little
baby all night in my arms.
482
00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:45,263
- Oh, thank...
- I actually fed you so you'd keep sleeping.
483
00:18:45,269 --> 00:18:46,554
- Aw.
- Well, by "fed you,"
484
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,335
I mean my gum fell in your mouth.
485
00:18:48,341 --> 00:18:50,174
- MATT: (clears throat) Colleen?
- (gags)
486
00:18:50,553 --> 00:18:52,291
It wasn't me. This was all Dougie.
487
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:55,034
Ah. Did Dougie also
invite all of your contacts
488
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,698
to follow your Period Tracker app?
489
00:18:56,704 --> 00:18:59,917
What? Dougie, I thought you
said that I slept like a baby!
490
00:18:59,923 --> 00:19:03,663
I meant a baby who
e-mails about her period.
491
00:19:03,745 --> 00:19:06,079
All right, fine, I took
more sleeping pills.
492
00:19:06,518 --> 00:19:09,003
'Cause the stress of the wedding
is keeping me up at night,
493
00:19:09,009 --> 00:19:10,344
and I don't know what to do.
494
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,115
Oh, no. Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey.
495
00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:14,905
It has been so unfair for me
to burden you with planning
496
00:19:14,911 --> 00:19:17,620
this whole wedding by yourself.
It's our wedding, right?
497
00:19:17,622 --> 00:19:20,031
I want to help! Just
tell me what I can do.
498
00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:21,392
- Okay.
- Okay?
499
00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:22,808
(grunts, sniffles)
500
00:19:22,814 --> 00:19:23,826
- There you go.
- Whoa!
501
00:19:23,828 --> 00:19:25,580
(chuckling) Look at that.
502
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,056
All that for one little wedding.
503
00:19:27,062 --> 00:19:29,796
No, that's just the
flowers. "A" through "F"
504
00:19:30,087 --> 00:19:31,074
Hmm?
505
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:33,036
These are "G" through "K"
506
00:19:33,580 --> 00:19:35,079
(crunching)
507
00:19:35,085 --> 00:19:36,252
Get busy.
508
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:39,783
(sighs)
509
00:19:46,285 --> 00:19:49,053
Um, Colleen? I can't sleep.
510
00:19:49,176 --> 00:19:50,821
Planning a wedding is
both the most boring
511
00:19:50,827 --> 00:19:52,110
and stressful thing I've ever done.
512
00:19:52,116 --> 00:19:54,344
It's like jury duty that I'm paying for.
513
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:55,992
Colleen?
514
00:19:55,994 --> 00:19:57,594
Uh...
515
00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:17,847
(gate creaks)
516
00:20:20,538 --> 00:20:22,197
Damn it, Matt.
517
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:26,422
I knew it was only a matter of
time before I saw you like this.
518
00:20:27,447 --> 00:20:28,679
(groans)
519
00:20:29,316 --> 00:20:34,316
Synced and corrected by Octavia
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00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:38,916
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