All language subtitles for Life in Pieces s02e05 Dinner Professor Steps Lesbian.eng

_

(doorbell rings)

I think it's cute.

Tyler and Clementine's
first dinner party

as a married couple, and
we're the ones they invited?

Yeah, I think there was another couple

that was supposed to come, but
they had freshman orientation.

(door opens)

- Wow, look at you!
- Hey, guys!

Matthew, Colleen,
glad you could make it.

Welcome to our home of Tyler's parents.

Mmm.

Well, this is the best tiny
cup of soup in a cucumber

I've ever had.

It's vichyssoise.

We're both really into French cuisine.

Oh.

We're Francophiles.

That means that we love anything French.

Mm.

All couples need to
have something to share.

We also love animals...
all pets, really.

I guess you could call us pet-o-philes.

(chokes and clears throat)

I don't think we're
going to call you that.

Here's a nickel's worth of free advice

for when you guys get married.

Listen closely.

Okay.

Are you listening?

Oh, yeah.

Communication is everything.

We believe in total honesty.

Clementine knows my
entire romantic history.

You have no romantic history.

And she knows that.

Yeah, see, it just, it gets
a little bit more complicated

when you get older and
you've lived separate lives.

Matt's right... there are some secrets

that just don't need to be shared.

Secrets? I didn't say
anything about secrets.

Details, I meant.

Like details, secrets
are all just things

you want to keep to yourself.

Should we open that wine?

Oh, we can't drink, but we do have

some delicious sparkling cider.

CLEMENTINE: Oh, honey,
did we put that on ice?

Well, I-I was saving it
for the second course,

but what the heck, let's
live dangerously, right?

Open the 2016!

Whoo!

- Oh, honey, I love your pommes frites.
- Thank you.

You know what I love about
you? You know, sometimes you say

the word "secrets" when
you really mean details.

- Oh, you still haven't let that go?
- Mmm.

Hey, we know a great communication game.

It's for solving fights
in your bunk at camp,

but it also works for married couples,

and you guys will be
joining the club soon.

TYLER: Matt will be the vault,

Clementine will be the banker,
and Colleen is the customer.

And then the secret is the money.

So I'm the guard, so I
stand here and block you

until you're ready to give the money

to the banker,

who then knocks three times.

Okay.

I had a sugar daddy.

No, first you tell the banker.

(stammers): You had a sugar daddy? When?

In college... I answered an ad.

It was 100 bucks an hour

to be a companion

to a sweet old man.

He was losing his sight and wanted me

to read him the classics.

MATT: Uh...

How is that a sugar daddy?

Did I leave out that I was naked?

- Yes, yes, you did.
- Yeah.

See, that's the kind
of thing that a banker

could've stored in a fund in order to...

You know, I robbed the bank, Tyler.

Game over.

I don't see what the big deal is.

She read naked to some old guy.

Exactly.

I think that crosses a line.

Well, we don't always have to agree.

I disagree.

In our wedding vows, you
promised to respect me.

And you promised to respect me.

- You said it first.
- I know.

The one who says it
last is the respecter.

You're the respecter.

CLEMENTINE: You are, I'm older.

Stop rubbing that in my face, will you?

You said it didn't bother you.

I was lying! Do you
know how it feels to know

that your wife has had one
more Christmas than you?

I thought that we were
always honest with each other.

TYLER: How can I be honest
when you're always crying?

(crying): I am not always crying!

You are acting like a child,

not the teenage boy that I married!

- Where are you going?
- To Mr. Murphy's.

Oh, our tenth-grade English teacher.

CLEMENTINE: Kevin always said

I could stay there if I needed to.

- Kevin?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, someday, I'll have a pool
in my apartment complex, too.

(smoke alarm beeping)

Uh, hey, you guys.

TYLER: Oh, no! My frog legs!

I'm sorry we had our first
fight in front of you guys.

You open to a little advice
from a non-married couple?

I don't know what you
could teach us, but sure.

Remember that you're talking
to someone that you love.

COLLEEN: And stick to
"I" statements, like,

"I felt hurt when you
called me a fart face."

Mmm.

Give it a try.

Clem, I...

If you go to Mr. Murphy's
house, I swear to God,

I will write a song eviscerating him.

Don't use your music as a weapon.

I don't want to, but you're making me.

You are your own man, Tyler.

No, I'm your man, Clementine.

- Ooh, all right.
- Okay.

- Uh, you know what?
- Thank you so much.

You can just let us show ourselves out.

Oh, no, no, no, you don't have to go.

We just have something
we have to do in my room.

Meet you back in 45?

Bon app?tit!

- 45 minutes!
- 45...

That's impressive!

Maybe they do have
something they can teach us.

_

JOAN: I think I got it, John.

I mean, I think I finally figured out

how to get rid of this awful anxiety.

I'm going to try and write a novel.

That's great!

Is it about a horse that dies?

Because those are the only good ones.

No.

It's about an older
woman's sexual reawakening

when she falls in love
with a Colombian drug lord.

She's a speech therapist,

and she's helping him with his stutter,

and it's called Te,
Te, Te, Te Amo.

Oh.

Are there mules in it?
Because they could die.

No, no, no, here, look.

I've applied to a creative
writing class at the college.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I had to submit a sample,

and now I'm waiting to see if I got in.

I wouldn't keep my hopes
up too much, Joanie,

but if you don't get in,

you can always, uh, write me notes

to remember to take my pills.

"She gently cupped his cheek.

"You will overcome this stutter.

"The tongue is the strongest
muscle in the human body.

"He looked at her, eyes blazing.

'N-n-n-n-not in mine, '
he sort of replied."

Can you explain this, Joan?

Uh, not really.

In a word, I'd say your
writing is excellent.

Oh, my!

But in many words,

I'd say it's very, very excellent.

(gasps)

Like a fierce, taloned bird

by whom I want to be mauled.

- Oh, thank you!
- Hm.

I'm terrified of birds.

Our lives are a story, Joan.

And if you want the pages
to flitter effortlessly...

(phone rings)

Excuse me.

Yes.

Uh, no, I want the bread
toasted, please... thank you.

But seriously, great
meeting you, and, uh...

Oh, blast! Can I borrow your
phone charger, by any chance?

Oh, of course.

Oh, thank you.

Um...

(smartphone beeps)

Do you want me to wait
while you charge your phone?

Hmm?

_

Well? What's the verdict?

- I didn't get in.
- Oh, Joanie.

Because the professor invited me

to join his advanced writing workshop!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, that's great!

(trash bag rustling)

I had a hunch.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, I feel so hopeful!

He called my writing
delightfully inappropriate.

Your professor is a he?

In college now, the kids
don't say "he" or "she."

They say, "ze,"

and I don't appreciate what
you're insinuating about zim.

The only reason men write
books or buy books or read books

is to get laid.

I read that.

He's a college professor.

If he wanted to seduce a student,

I think he'd pick someone
who didn't have to take

the silver edition One-a-Days.

She wrote a, uh, brilliant
book on existential poetry

called, W, X, Why Me?

It was a follow-up to her debut
novel, Tears of a Yak.

Have you read that?

- Oh, no, I've heard of it.
- Oh, yes, it's magnificent...

I'll get you a copy,

- you have to read it.
- JOAN: Oh, thank you!

It's a very quick read.

John, what are you doing here?

Well, can't an old quarterback

pick up his cheerleader from school?

What am I supposed to do with my car?

You must be John.

Sinclair Wild.

I'm Joan's professor.

He's also an author.

Well, I suppose I have
hatched a few novels.

You may have read my Cliff Notes
for the Twilight series.

- Uh...
- No?

- Anyway, I'm your wife's biggest fan.
- Oh, no.

Same here, that's why I married her.

Yes, well, that's,
that's quite a visual.

I wish my phone was charged so
I could take a picture of it.

That ought to hold you

till we get to the
bathroom at the gas station.

Oh, yeah, he definitely
wants to sleep with you.

At least go up your shirt over your bra.

John, what are you doing?

Why are you acting like this?

I just can't see why you'd be
accepted to the advanced class.

I love you, Joanie, but you're
not writing literature here,

you're writing horseless smut.

Oh, that's a terrible thing to say.

I'm so sick of your horses,

and Black Beauty
didn't win the Nobel Prize,

no matter what you say!

(car horn beeps)

JOHN: Go around!

I'm old and reading.

Joanie.

I owe you a big apology.

I was wrong to judge
your book by its cover.

And the cover was just the beginning.

Yes, that's how books work, John.

I finished it in the bathroom.

I stayed way past the flush, Joanie,

and that's got to mean something.

You're a real writer... a good one.

Thank you, and you're a real
horse's ass... a good one.

Yeah, I know, I guess I
just didn't like the idea of,

of you discussing loins

and such with another man.

Unless it's our butcher.

Because he's gay, of course.

And I realize now that your professor,

all he was after was
your brilliant mind.

Thank you.

And our butcher is not gay.

But he's always talking
about pounding chuck.

- What?
- I thought that was his boyfriend.

(laughing)

Next, Marcus.

Ashante's Inferno.

Was both senseless and pointless,

so a vast improvement
on your previous work.

Luckily for all of us,

we had another gripping
submission from Joan.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, everybody,

for reading it.

Thank you Joss for... signing.

MAN: I have to say, Joan,

I just loved how you employed

smell and taste to build tension

to Santiago gently undressing Daisy

with the tip of his machete.

I think that's a very male reading.

(robotically): You're
right, and I apologize.

Ze and ze each have a point,
but I think what I'm hearing,

Joan writes

with such an honest ferocity,

that we get to see the world

through her curious

and stimulating, erotic gaze.

Oh, no.

Hey, did you find someone to
translate your ankle tattoo?

Yes, it turns out it
means "processed wheat."

_

Hi, we miss you.

How's China?

It's amazing... I mean, I
wouldn't trade the experience

for all the tea here.

Really just immersing myself

as much as I can into
everything Chinese.

Well, say ni hao to Daddy.

What does that mean?

Uh, hey, listen.

Thanks for, uh, taking the
time off work to cover for me

while I work on my CryTunes prototype.

Yeah, of course.

I love spending time with Lark.

Today, we discovered
that she hates broccoli.

Oh, what?

I wanted to be there

when she tried broccoli
for the first time.

Oh.

Gosh.

What else did I miss?

Uh, just that she loves to
throw the things she hates.

Anyway, that's the
rumor about Rod Stewart.

I don't believe it
personally, but there it is.

Wait, what?

Did you just take a step?

Oh, my God, you did!

You are walking, you are legit walking!

Yeah, come to Mommy!

(shrieks delightedly)

(laughing): Oh, my God,
you did it! You walked!

I cannot wait to tell Daddy that
you just took your first steps.

Oh, no.

I mean, Greg was upset
about missing broccoli.

How's he going to feel
about her first steps?

Oh, I feel for you, sister.

You're going to have two crying babies.

And the worst part is,
like, I encouraged him to go.

- Hey, you know what you do?
- Hm?

When he comes back and she does it,

pretend it's the first time.

I lie to Tim constantly.

It's really the secret
to a healthy marriage.

Watch this... hey, babe?

You are smoking hot in that tank top.

It's why I wear it, babe, for you.

Yeah, you do... see?

- Wow.
- Yep.

Hey, baby, Daddy will
be home in a few days.

Wow, look at her go!

She's really ready to walk.

Yeah, hey, did you find someone
to translate your ankle tattoo?

Yes, it turns out it
means "processed wheat,"

which I think is just
as cool as, you know,

"power and respect."

Totally.

GREG: So, anything new
happening with Lark today?

Hmm? New?

Um, hmm, can't really think of anything.

No, no, no, no, no, no, she's
really just a very average baby.

I mean, you know, she can
sit up for ten minutes,

but so can my purse,
big whoop, you know?

- (Lark giggling)
- Hey, whoa, wait a minute, what was that?

There's a raccoon in
the house, I got to go.

Okay, I love you, bye-bye!

JEN: Okay, Daddy's
car just pulled up,

so he cannot find out that
you took your first steps.

I put your right shoe on your left foot

and your left shoe on your right foot.

I'm not a bad mother, but I'm
just trying to be a good wife.

You know what I'm
saying? Okay, all right.

All right, guess who's home!

Where are my girls?

Welcome home!

Hi!

Hello!

Oh!

Oh, my goodness!

Are you seeing these first steps?

Because these are the first of the...

For the very, very first time.

First time I'm seeing them.

- Come to Daddy!
- Go on, go on.

- Come, big...
- Go on.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my goodness!

Look at my little marathon
runner with her first steps.

Yes!

I mean, those were
her first steps, right?

Yeah, bro.

(mumbles): Ja-wa.

Did you hear that?

What?

She said her first word!

Well, I don't know if
that counts as a word.

Let's see if she can
use it in a sentence.

Jawa!

The desert scavengers
that sold R2-D2 and C3PO

to Uncle Owen and Luke Skywalker

on their home planet of Tatooine!

Yes.

I think she's ready.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go get
the Star Wars DVD.

I mean, can you believe it?

Her first steps and now her
first word in the same day!

Okay, now listen to me.

Daddy can never know that I showed
you Star Wars last night.

Yoda.

(whispers): Damn it!

Kissing a girl's just
like kissing a guy.

Except when you do it in public,

- dudes buy you stuff.
- Yeah.

_

Dougie's never called
a house meeting before.

I wonder what this is about.

I think it's about that passed out guy

she dragged in here last night.

He never left.

Oh, I bet she wants
to start a chore wheel.

Whew.

Whew.

I ran all the way up the stairs.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to have a heart-to-heart
with Pastor Todd.

There's something I need to
confess to the both of you.

Stand by for the location of the body.

So last night I was knee deep in Wang.

You guys have met Wang
Carlson from Daewoo.

Quiet guy.

In fact, I'm only guessing
at his name and job.

Anyway, in the middle of round
three, something struck me.

And then you struck back,

but it was harder than you intended

and now it's just too late?

Need you to brace yourself.

- Okay.
- Oh, God.

I'm gay.

I know.

- (both sigh)
- I know!

The girl version is called lesbian.

Dougie, wow, this is huge news.

I know, it's so shocking.

I-I-I've been hiding it pretty
well, I mean, even from myself.

I had no idea.

I have just been bagging D
after D, after D, after D,

and not even thinking about it.

I guess I was just
stuffing it deep down.

Well, thanks for trusting us
enough to share this, Dougie.

Yeah, thank you so much.

- Hey! Congratulations!
- We're so excited!

Oh, man, there's a lot of...

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

A lot of joy in that hug.

All right.

Whoo!

Oh, uh, quick Q.

Do either of you know how
to start a lesbian journey?

I don't know how this works.

I've never even kissed a girl before.

Well, we could do a ladies night out

at my favorite lesbian bar.

- Yeah!
- What?

Why do you have a favorite lesbian bar?

It's by the airport.

That wasn't an answer to my question.

COLLEEN: All right, Dougie.

Let's get you kissing a girl!

- Yeah.
- Whoo!

I'm kind of nervous, though.

I've never had a sexual encounter

that wasn't rage fueled.

Kissing a girl's just
like kissing a guy.

Except when you do it in
public, dudes buy you stuff.

HEATHER: W-W-Wait.

- You've kissed a girl?
- Yeah.

Got through all of college
without paying for an appetizer.

COLLEEN: You know, I thought
I was a lesbian for a year,

but it turns out I was on
the wrong anti-depressants.

You were on anti-depressants?

- Yeah.
- Oh!

You guys are so lucky!

I-I didn't have

any wild years.

You know, once in college I
thought I was kissing a girl,

but it was just Tim with a ponytail.

JEN: Uh-oh. Okay, Dougie.

Yep... oh, things are
getting very exciting.

- What?
- You see this girl?

She just checked you out.

The one that I'm very
obviously pointing at

and now waving at and I'm
making it way too awkward

for you not to go talk to.

Is she your type?

Mm, she'll do.

I'm looking for a job, not a career.

This is for you, Pastor Todd.

Oh, right! Pastor Todd!

(grunts)

Whew!

My pants feel tight.

They're not tight.

You want to unbutton just the top?

COLLEEN: Good luck!

You look pretty, if that's your goal.

Hey.

Did you guys see that?

Yeah.

She thinks I am a lesbian!

Yeah.

Wait until I tell the moms at wine club.

Wine club is what we call book club

when we're not being all Oprah about it.

Maybe Dougie's not the
only one dipping her toe

in that lady pool tonight.

Me?

Oh, no, come on, you
guys, that's cheating.

- No!
- Uh-uh.

Every time Tim pours me
a second glass of wine,

he always tells me how
beautiful you think my skin is.

Something tells me

- he won't mind.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, because I-I think I
might want to go over there

and ask that woman at the pool
table where she got her jeans.

I'm going to text him right now,

just see if he's cool with that.

(phone makes texting sounds)

What'd he say?

"Please kiss a woman.

On my way!"

Where'd you grow up?

I grew up in North Carolina.

Can I kiss you?

Uh, I, uh, grew up here.

- Wow. Here in this bar?
- Yeah.

(laughter)

Can I kiss you?

Stop asking if you can kiss me.

It's weird.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm really nervous.

This is my first full day
of being an out, gay lesbian.

Oh, well, that's awesome.

Congrats!

Thank you.

You're-you're awesome.

Can I kiss you?

- Okay.
- I felt like we had a moment.

I should've known that
you got those in Europe

because of all the zippers.

You can touch them if you want.

(laughs nervously)

I have to tell you that
I am not really gay.

I-I thought that it might
be exciting to kiss a woman.

So this is all a game to you?

We're not a zoo exhibit.

No!

Of course not!

No, you... you're in your
natural habitat, roaming free!

I can't find anyone to lesbian kiss me.

Oh...

COLLEEN: Any luck?

Totally struck out.

Am I not appealing to women?

You're appealing to me.

I don't really... oh!

Ooh.

(sighs)

Did you guys just hear that?

That is the sound of
my lady cork popping.

COLLEEN: Yay, Dougie.

Come on, I'll buy you a shot.

- Come on.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- (chuckles)

How was that kiss?

Not bad.

- Yeah.
- Wow!

Have you ever noticed how
pretty Colleen's skin is?

How does my hair look?

Straight.

- Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.

(panting)

Please tell me I didn't
miss my wife kissing a girl.

Yeah, I kissed her, and our
mons pubises almost touched.

All right.

It's not exactly what I was picturing,

but I can make it work.

Heather!

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

How do you feel?

I thought I'd have this
huge rush of confidence,

like when you do an epi pen for fun,

but I'm still nervous.

That's totally normal.

Putting yourself out there is hard.

Especially when, yesterday,

you didn't even know who yourself was.

Aw...

Thanks, Colleen.

You're such a good
friend, but, I'm sorry,

it's not going to go past this.

I need someone real hot.

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