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1
00:00:10,825 --> 00:00:12,469
- _
- (Lark crying over speaker)
2
00:00:13,996 --> 00:00:16,229
(crying continues)
3
00:00:17,696 --> 00:00:18,822
Oh, don't open your eyes.
4
00:00:19,134 --> 00:00:21,011
Please don't open your eyes.
5
00:00:22,269 --> 00:00:24,337
- (crying loudly)
- Oh, no.
6
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:27,307
(groans)
7
00:00:27,309 --> 00:00:29,642
(loud crying continues)
8
00:00:33,664 --> 00:00:36,609
- (loud crying continues)
- (snoring)
9
00:00:38,986 --> 00:00:40,286
Oh!
10
00:00:40,288 --> 00:00:41,321
Your turn.
11
00:00:41,323 --> 00:00:43,289
No, it was my turn last time.
12
00:00:43,291 --> 00:00:44,490
Yeah, you're right.
13
00:00:44,492 --> 00:00:45,592
(loud crying continues over speaker)
14
00:00:45,594 --> 00:00:47,794
(sighs) We'll both go.
15
00:00:47,796 --> 00:00:49,996
Meet me in the bottle with the nursery.
16
00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:52,655
I mean, meet me in the nursery
17
00:00:52,704 --> 00:00:53,681
with the bottle.
18
00:00:53,801 --> 00:00:56,269
- (loud crying continues)
- Is she up?
19
00:00:56,271 --> 00:00:57,937
(sniffs)
20
00:01:01,018 --> 00:01:02,875
This is sausage.
21
00:01:09,283 --> 00:01:11,706
(timer ticking)
22
00:01:11,826 --> 00:01:14,448
- Honey.
- That's me. I'm honey. (sniffs)
23
00:01:15,462 --> 00:01:18,056
- JEN: You forget the bottle?
- No.
24
00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:24,296
Honey, this is the last
diaper, and I could've sworn
25
00:01:24,298 --> 00:01:26,332
I bought more yesterday, but then...
26
00:01:26,334 --> 00:01:28,600
or maybe did I dream that I bought more?
27
00:01:29,292 --> 00:01:31,666
I was voted Most Outgoing at Burning Man,
28
00:01:31,685 --> 00:01:34,136
and now I'm dreaming about buying diapers.
29
00:01:34,256 --> 00:01:36,142
Hey, will you be my best friend
30
00:01:36,144 --> 00:01:37,877
- and go get some more?
- Now?
31
00:01:37,879 --> 00:01:39,707
Yeah. It's your turn. I went last time.
32
00:01:39,729 --> 00:01:41,235
Why are you keeping score?
33
00:01:42,015 --> 00:01:44,350
And I went last time...
I know, I wrote it down.
34
00:01:44,352 --> 00:01:46,318
Are those my pajama shorts?
35
00:01:50,290 --> 00:01:52,057
What were they doing in my drawer?
36
00:01:52,059 --> 00:01:53,559
No, it's fine. I...
37
00:01:53,561 --> 00:01:55,828
I mean, they... they
look better on you anyway.
38
00:01:55,830 --> 00:01:58,464
You should just... you should keep them.
39
00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:00,099
Don't cry.
40
00:02:00,101 --> 00:02:02,201
Don't cry. I can't have
both of you cry right now.
41
00:02:02,203 --> 00:02:04,903
No, no, no, no. Don't cry. Baby, don't cry.
42
00:02:04,905 --> 00:02:06,238
Am I crying right now?
43
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:07,639
No, no, baby, no cry, okay?
44
00:02:07,641 --> 00:02:09,308
Daddy gonna go into the minimart, alright?
45
00:02:09,310 --> 00:02:10,642
- Yeah, okay.
- I'm gonna go into the minimart.
46
00:02:10,644 --> 00:02:11,810
Here, take this bottle.
47
00:02:11,812 --> 00:02:13,712
- Will you get me a slushie?
- What?
48
00:02:13,714 --> 00:02:14,913
Will you get me a slushie?
49
00:02:14,915 --> 00:02:16,415
A slushie? Yes.
50
00:02:16,417 --> 00:02:18,016
Yes, I'll get you a slushie. Anything else?
51
00:02:18,018 --> 00:02:19,851
- Diapers, dude.
- (Lark crying)
52
00:02:19,853 --> 00:02:20,852
- Diapers.
- Diapers.
53
00:02:20,854 --> 00:02:22,854
- Diapers.
- Diapers, okay.
54
00:02:22,856 --> 00:02:24,923
I'm gonna give you your shorts
back, I'm gonna go get diapers,
55
00:02:24,925 --> 00:02:26,765
I'm gonna go grab a slushie,
I'm gonna make everything better,
56
00:02:26,996 --> 00:02:29,143
and I promise I am going to come back.
57
00:02:30,028 --> 00:02:31,463
Why would you say that?
58
00:02:33,094 --> 00:02:34,433
(Lark crying)
59
00:02:34,435 --> 00:02:36,635
(tinny music playing)
60
00:02:52,751 --> 00:02:54,753
How long have those hot dogs been there?
61
00:02:54,755 --> 00:02:56,554
Oh, those aren't hot dogs.
62
00:02:56,556 --> 00:02:58,056
After six hours in the machine,
63
00:02:58,058 --> 00:02:59,591
we have to call them Wizard Fingers.
64
00:02:59,593 --> 00:03:00,759
I am so tired.
65
00:03:00,761 --> 00:03:02,660
Did you say "Wizard Fingers"?
66
00:03:02,662 --> 00:03:03,928
I did.
67
00:03:03,930 --> 00:03:05,396
Wizard Fingers.
68
00:03:05,398 --> 00:03:07,432
It's like when a grape becomes a raisin.
69
00:03:07,434 --> 00:03:08,967
And after six more hours,
70
00:03:08,969 --> 00:03:10,869
we have to call 'em Meat Straws
71
00:03:12,505 --> 00:03:13,972
I'll take two.
72
00:03:13,974 --> 00:03:16,040
Back up, give me some elbow room
73
00:03:16,042 --> 00:03:17,375
-
Back up
- (siren wails)
74
00:03:17,377 --> 00:03:18,843
Give me some elbow room
75
00:03:18,845 --> 00:03:20,778
Back up, give me some elbow room...
76
00:03:20,780 --> 00:03:23,514
-
Yo, the alpha, omega, the greatest comm...
- Uh-oh.
77
00:03:23,516 --> 00:03:25,683
(indistinct radio transmission)
78
00:03:35,781 --> 00:03:37,395
Do you know how fast you were going?
79
00:03:37,397 --> 00:03:38,963
I'm really sorry, Officer.
80
00:03:38,965 --> 00:03:40,665
I'm in the middle of a diaper run.
81
00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:43,367
I was probably going much
faster than I-I should've been.
82
00:03:43,369 --> 00:03:44,268
Fourteen.
83
00:03:44,270 --> 00:03:45,069
14 what?
84
00:03:45,071 --> 00:03:45,970
Miles an hour.
85
00:03:45,972 --> 00:03:47,271
Wow.
86
00:03:47,273 --> 00:03:48,806
Because it felt like I was flying.
87
00:03:48,808 --> 00:03:50,308
License and registration?
88
00:03:50,310 --> 00:03:52,677
Uh... uh, yeah. Um...
89
00:03:55,547 --> 00:03:58,516
Are you, um, sure...
90
00:03:58,518 --> 00:04:00,117
You know, maybe...
91
00:04:00,119 --> 00:04:02,753
I don't know, I'm just
sort of thinking here,
92
00:04:02,755 --> 00:04:05,623
but, uh, maybe there's some other way
93
00:04:05,625 --> 00:04:08,392
that you want to deal with this...
94
00:04:08,394 --> 00:04:11,195
situation?
95
00:04:12,564 --> 00:04:14,398
Are you handing this to me
96
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:15,833
or is this some kind of bribe?
97
00:04:15,835 --> 00:04:18,736
I don't know.
98
00:04:18,738 --> 00:04:20,804
Do you want it to be a bribe?
99
00:04:22,874 --> 00:04:24,475
So, you have any kids?
100
00:04:24,477 --> 00:04:25,625
Nope.
101
00:04:26,458 --> 00:04:27,727
You want kids?
102
00:04:28,095 --> 00:04:29,293
Nope.
103
00:04:30,816 --> 00:04:32,483
You have any hobbies?
104
00:04:33,343 --> 00:04:36,420
I like to organize people's
closets on the weekends.
105
00:04:39,624 --> 00:04:41,124
Okay.
106
00:04:41,126 --> 00:04:42,693
Follow my finger with your eyes.
107
00:04:42,695 --> 00:04:44,595
Don't move your head.
108
00:04:44,597 --> 00:04:45,757
Don't move my head?
109
00:04:47,801 --> 00:04:48,932
I gotta be honest,
110
00:04:48,934 --> 00:04:50,200
as soon you said that,
111
00:04:50,202 --> 00:04:51,468
I really want to move my head.
112
00:04:51,470 --> 00:04:52,478
Don't.
113
00:04:53,272 --> 00:04:55,238
I think I have to move my head.
114
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:56,373
Don't do it.
115
00:04:56,375 --> 00:04:57,574
- I'm gonna do it.
- Don't do it.
116
00:04:57,576 --> 00:04:59,209
- I'm gonna move my head.
- Negatory.
117
00:04:59,211 --> 00:05:00,310
- I'm gonna move it right now.
- Don't do it.
118
00:05:00,312 --> 00:05:01,945
Don't do it.
119
00:05:01,947 --> 00:05:03,046
(warbling)
120
00:05:03,048 --> 00:05:04,381
Okay.
121
00:05:04,383 --> 00:05:06,483
- I told you not to do it.
- I'm sorry.
122
00:05:06,485 --> 00:05:07,918
Is there something else I can do?
123
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,119
Yeah.
124
00:05:09,121 --> 00:05:11,755
(blowing)
125
00:05:13,191 --> 00:05:14,357
(beeps)
126
00:05:14,359 --> 00:05:15,892
(breathless): Ha! Check that!
127
00:05:15,894 --> 00:05:17,160
Check that.
128
00:05:17,162 --> 00:05:18,662
Check that!
129
00:05:18,664 --> 00:05:20,397
(coughs)
130
00:05:20,399 --> 00:05:23,233
- I'm gonna have to take you down to the station.
- What?
131
00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:24,901
No. No. No, no, no, no.
132
00:05:24,903 --> 00:05:26,569
There is no way that I failed that.
133
00:05:26,571 --> 00:05:27,904
I know you're on something.
134
00:05:27,906 --> 00:05:29,773
I'm on two hours sleep
135
00:05:29,775 --> 00:05:32,175
and one and a half meat
raisins, okay? Look.
136
00:05:32,177 --> 00:05:33,743
I am begging you, all right?
137
00:05:33,745 --> 00:05:35,578
I live just right around the corner.
138
00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:39,249
Please let me just get these
diapers to my wife and then...
139
00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:42,385
whatever you want. Whatever you want.
140
00:05:42,387 --> 00:05:45,021
There are no diapers in the car, hot legs.
141
00:05:48,694 --> 00:05:49,559
No.
142
00:05:50,461 --> 00:05:52,095
I got sidetracked by the wizard
143
00:05:52,097 --> 00:05:53,596
and I left it at the store.
144
00:05:53,598 --> 00:05:56,666
- Wizard?
- Should I just go back to the car? Okay.
145
00:05:59,703 --> 00:06:02,484
You forgot the diapers
and you're being arrested?
146
00:06:02,604 --> 00:06:04,396
Well, technically not arrested.
147
00:06:04,516 --> 00:06:07,023
I'm just being brought in for a urine test.
148
00:06:07,143 --> 00:06:10,095
I cannot believe you
are getting a night away.
149
00:06:10,673 --> 00:06:11,464
It...
150
00:06:11,584 --> 00:06:12,931
I'm going to jail.
151
00:06:12,947 --> 00:06:14,650
This is not a night away.
152
00:06:14,652 --> 00:06:16,252
You know, you always get the breaks.
153
00:06:16,254 --> 00:06:17,720
When it's your turn to
watch her, she sleeps.
154
00:06:17,722 --> 00:06:18,988
When it's your turn to feed her,
155
00:06:18,990 --> 00:06:20,856
she doesn't throw up in your mouth.
156
00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:22,858
When it's your turn to go on
a diaper run, you get arrested.
157
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:24,481
When's it my turn?
158
00:06:24,502 --> 00:06:26,996
When's it... when... when's it Mommy's turn
159
00:06:26,998 --> 00:06:29,899
to catch a break, Greg?
160
00:06:29,901 --> 00:06:31,667
Greg?
161
00:06:31,669 --> 00:06:32,935
(snoring softly)
162
00:06:32,937 --> 00:06:34,637
Oh, my God, did you just fall asleep?
163
00:06:34,639 --> 00:06:35,805
Greg!
164
00:06:35,807 --> 00:06:38,007
- (Lark crying)
- Greg!
165
00:06:38,009 --> 00:06:39,508
And now you woke the baby.
166
00:06:39,510 --> 00:06:42,178
(Lark continues crying)
167
00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:43,979
(tinny music playing)
168
00:06:43,981 --> 00:06:46,615
And, uh, I'll take four
of those Wizard Fingers.
169
00:06:46,617 --> 00:06:49,184
You want one more? Make it a fist?
170
00:06:52,088 --> 00:06:54,256
Fist me.
171
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:57,980
_
172
00:07:01,331 --> 00:07:03,699
Okay.
173
00:07:04,449 --> 00:07:05,241
Alright.
174
00:07:05,263 --> 00:07:07,269
Hey, babe, have you seen
my Motley Crue T-shirt?
175
00:07:07,271 --> 00:07:08,775
You know, the one that
used to scare Samantha
176
00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:10,644
- when she was little?
- Okay, honey, not now.
177
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,611
Karen Jackson is in
charge of the school fair
178
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:14,476
and I have to get this e-mail
to her within ten minutes
179
00:07:14,478 --> 00:07:16,645
or I'll be stuck at the petting zoo again,
180
00:07:16,647 --> 00:07:19,248
getting my crotch sniffed
by every barnyard animal.
181
00:07:19,250 --> 00:07:21,183
There's a lot more humping going on there
182
00:07:21,185 --> 00:07:23,318
than you'd expect. That goat
would take a run at anything.
183
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,337
Mom, I'm hungry. Can you make
me a peanut butter and jelly?
184
00:07:26,457 --> 00:07:28,023
Tim, honey, can you make
her a sandwich, please?
185
00:07:28,025 --> 00:07:30,092
No. Daddy doesn't make them right.
186
00:07:30,094 --> 00:07:31,860
How do you make a peanut
butter and jelly wrong?
187
00:07:31,862 --> 00:07:34,596
You leave the crust on like
I'm some kind of animal.
188
00:07:34,598 --> 00:07:36,898
- You know, it's not too late to return you.
- Okay, you know what,
189
00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:38,400
I'll make you one later.
Just have an apple.
190
00:07:38,402 --> 00:07:40,702
Fine. But you know an apple
191
00:07:40,704 --> 00:07:42,671
is the lazy mother's snack.
192
00:07:42,673 --> 00:07:45,040
Mom, can you sign this permission slip?
193
00:07:45,042 --> 00:07:46,741
It's for an overnight trip to Joshua Tree.
194
00:07:46,743 --> 00:07:48,543
- Who's chaperoning?
- Kylie's mom.
195
00:07:48,545 --> 00:07:50,979
- Uh, no.
- Is it because she did porn?
196
00:07:50,981 --> 00:07:53,824
It wasn't, but it is now.
197
00:07:53,944 --> 00:07:55,658
Kylie's mom needs help?
I'll help Kylie's mom.
198
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:56,618
You know what, we're-we're good.
199
00:07:56,620 --> 00:07:59,487
I'll-I'll text your teacher
and see who else is chaperoning.
200
00:07:59,489 --> 00:08:00,755
Hey, Mom, uh, can I borrow the car?
201
00:08:00,757 --> 00:08:02,057
Gabe and I are gonna go see a movie.
202
00:08:02,059 --> 00:08:02,791
Which movie?
203
00:08:02,793 --> 00:08:03,992
Does it matter?
204
00:08:03,994 --> 00:08:05,760
I'm 17. I can see what I want.
205
00:08:07,133 --> 00:08:08,419
It's Minions.
206
00:08:08,539 --> 00:08:10,617
If you can find the keys,
you can take the car.
207
00:08:11,034 --> 00:08:12,834
Okay, uh...
208
00:08:12,836 --> 00:08:15,170
"Tina's mom is also chaperoning."
209
00:08:15,172 --> 00:08:16,604
Who the hell is Tina?
210
00:08:16,606 --> 00:08:18,606
You know, dark hair,
211
00:08:18,608 --> 00:08:20,508
has glasses, good at archery...
212
00:08:20,510 --> 00:08:21,776
Mmm...
213
00:08:21,778 --> 00:08:23,044
Wheelchair.
214
00:08:23,046 --> 00:08:24,712
Oh, Tina.
215
00:08:24,714 --> 00:08:25,947
The one with great arms.
216
00:08:25,949 --> 00:08:27,915
Yes, I will sign this for you.
217
00:08:27,917 --> 00:08:30,084
Is there a general area it might be?
218
00:08:30,086 --> 00:08:31,921
'Cause this is just tampons and mouthwash.
219
00:08:32,023 --> 00:08:34,204
Sweety, I don't know, I
gotta get this e-mail out.
220
00:08:34,324 --> 00:08:35,823
- (sighs dramatically)
- Good luck.
221
00:08:35,825 --> 00:08:39,660
Why was my Crue shirt in the Goodwill bag?
222
00:08:39,662 --> 00:08:41,262
I... I don't know, honey, I mean,
223
00:08:41,264 --> 00:08:44,732
I-I guess I must have put
it in there accidentally.
224
00:08:44,734 --> 00:08:46,300
(laughing): Oh! All right.
225
00:08:46,302 --> 00:08:47,935
I'm gonna check and make sure you didn't
226
00:08:47,937 --> 00:08:49,904
accidentally throw out
anything else valuable.
227
00:08:49,906 --> 00:08:51,439
They're retiring, you know.
228
00:08:51,441 --> 00:08:52,740
They're not going to be a band anymore.
229
00:08:52,742 --> 00:08:55,142
Home sweet home, my ass.
230
00:08:55,144 --> 00:08:56,577
I'm still hungry.
231
00:08:56,579 --> 00:08:58,145
- The apple just made it worse.
- (doorbell rings)
232
00:08:58,147 --> 00:09:00,147
Who is that? We don't have any friends.
233
00:09:00,267 --> 00:09:02,961
Hi, I was wondering if you and
your family had five minutes
234
00:09:03,081 --> 00:09:04,218
to talk about the danger of factory farms.
235
00:09:04,220 --> 00:09:05,353
I'm really busy.
236
00:09:05,355 --> 00:09:06,654
It'll just take five minutes.
237
00:09:07,568 --> 00:09:08,788
Could you stretch that out to ten?
238
00:09:08,791 --> 00:09:10,733
Oh, I got a whole hour of material.
239
00:09:10,942 --> 00:09:11,690
Come on in, sister,
240
00:09:11,810 --> 00:09:12,493
- let's go.
- Really?
241
00:09:12,495 --> 00:09:13,928
This never happens.
242
00:09:13,930 --> 00:09:15,729
HEATHER: Okay, for the next ten minutes
243
00:09:15,731 --> 00:09:17,665
you three are going to sit here quietly
244
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:18,899
and listen to...
245
00:09:18,901 --> 00:09:20,004
Kalliope.
246
00:09:21,204 --> 00:09:22,351
Kalliope.
247
00:09:22,883 --> 00:09:24,363
Did you... did you choose that name?
248
00:09:24,836 --> 00:09:26,692
Yes, I got to, on my 18th birthday, so...
249
00:09:26,812 --> 00:09:28,208
That's lovely.
250
00:09:28,505 --> 00:09:29,376
I am going to go send
251
00:09:29,378 --> 00:09:31,078
one e-mail. Okay?
252
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,048
The only reason that you have
permission to call my name
253
00:09:34,050 --> 00:09:36,050
is if one of you is bleeding.
254
00:09:36,052 --> 00:09:36,884
Okay?
255
00:09:36,886 --> 00:09:38,185
I'm talking...
256
00:09:38,187 --> 00:09:39,420
a lot of blood.
257
00:09:39,422 --> 00:09:40,988
I-I'm talking like...
258
00:09:40,990 --> 00:09:42,523
it will affect the resale
259
00:09:42,525 --> 00:09:43,557
of this
260
00:09:43,559 --> 00:09:45,025
You understand? Look at me.
261
00:09:45,027 --> 00:09:47,227
You understand? Okay.
262
00:09:47,229 --> 00:09:49,429
Kalliope... you go ahead.
263
00:09:50,783 --> 00:09:52,833
KALLIOPE: So... speaking of bleeding,
264
00:09:53,288 --> 00:09:54,601
have you guys ever lived in a cage
265
00:09:54,603 --> 00:09:55,971
where you can't turn around?
266
00:09:56,472 --> 00:09:57,751
I once got trapped in a Murphy bed.
267
00:09:58,222 --> 00:10:00,981
I share a Murphy bed
with a guy named Kevin.
268
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,643
He's a homeless youth.
269
00:10:03,845 --> 00:10:05,545
"And while I will miss
270
00:10:05,547 --> 00:10:08,382
the friendly farm animals,
271
00:10:08,384 --> 00:10:10,450
I feel that, this year,
my time would best be spent
272
00:10:10,452 --> 00:10:12,652
bringing plastic forks."
273
00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,187
- Send.
- (computer beeps)
274
00:10:14,604 --> 00:10:15,689
"Error: network not found"?
275
00:10:15,691 --> 00:10:18,158
Tim, Tim, why, why is
the network not found?
276
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,693
TIM: Maybe you gave it to Goodwill!
277
00:10:19,695 --> 00:10:21,795
Oh! I-I'm walking over to Mom and Dad's.
278
00:10:22,434 --> 00:10:23,522
Seriously, Heather?
279
00:10:23,544 --> 00:10:24,497
My Capri pants?
280
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:25,914
I got these in Germany!
281
00:10:26,429 --> 00:10:27,298
HEATHER: Mom?
282
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:29,603
Mom?
283
00:10:29,605 --> 00:10:30,770
I need your Wi-Fi password.
284
00:10:30,772 --> 00:10:32,238
Honey, I have to finish this book
285
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,240
before the book club gets here.
286
00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:35,885
No, I-I have two minutes
to send this e-mail.
287
00:10:36,005 --> 00:10:37,043
I just need the Wi-Fi code.
288
00:10:37,045 --> 00:10:39,512
John, what the password to the computer?
289
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,914
Yeah, the "wiffy"?
290
00:10:40,916 --> 00:10:41,473
Seven.
291
00:10:42,617 --> 00:10:43,817
Dad, it's not seven.
292
00:10:43,819 --> 00:10:44,966
No, I believe it's seven.
293
00:10:45,968 --> 00:10:46,704
What'd you do with
294
00:10:46,824 --> 00:10:47,887
those macadamia nuts?
295
00:10:47,889 --> 00:10:49,088
Honey, they're for the book club.
296
00:10:49,090 --> 00:10:50,490
Why only for the book club?
297
00:10:50,492 --> 00:10:51,958
Well, they're very expensive nuts.
298
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,793
- Mom, we're out of macadamia nuts.
- No!
299
00:10:53,795 --> 00:10:55,061
- Those are very expensive.
- SOPHIA: Mom-Mom!
300
00:10:55,063 --> 00:10:57,397
- Can you make me a vegan snack?
- Vegan?
301
00:10:57,399 --> 00:10:59,465
- We're vegan now.
- JOHN: Well, you know what vegan is?
302
00:10:59,467 --> 00:11:00,867
No more grilled cheese.
303
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,268
Okay, I'm not a vegan.
304
00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:03,936
Mom-Mom, can I have a grilled cheese?
305
00:11:03,938 --> 00:11:06,272
Grilled cheese does sound
really good right now.
306
00:11:06,274 --> 00:11:07,940
Mom-Mom making her famous grilled cheese?
307
00:11:07,942 --> 00:11:09,442
No, there's no bread left.
308
00:11:09,444 --> 00:11:11,044
I had, like, nine pieces
of toast for breakfast.
309
00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,413
- And, you know, the macadamia nuts.
- Damn it, Matt.
310
00:11:13,415 --> 00:11:14,647
Mom-Mom, can I borrow the car?
311
00:11:14,649 --> 00:11:16,516
Too late. Matt ate it.
312
00:11:16,518 --> 00:11:18,217
MATT: No, actually, I left
it at a bar last night.
313
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:20,286
At least, I think that was a bar.
314
00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:21,921
You went to a bar last night?
315
00:11:21,923 --> 00:11:24,056
Come on. Come on, come on,
come on, give me something.
316
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:26,225
Come on, come on, come on,
connect, connect, connect...
317
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,494
- (computer dings)
- Oh.What do you know? It is seven.
318
00:11:28,496 --> 00:11:30,863
Hey, you just got a
text from Karen Jackson.
319
00:11:31,632 --> 00:11:33,165
"Petting zoo.
320
00:11:33,167 --> 00:11:34,867
Oh, no!
321
00:11:34,869 --> 00:11:36,268
No! Why?
322
00:11:36,270 --> 00:11:38,704
I was so close. I did everything right.
323
00:11:38,706 --> 00:11:41,440
It's all right. I wrote back,
"New phone, who dis?"
324
00:11:41,442 --> 00:11:44,243
So, technically, she hasn't
assigned you anything.
325
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,011
Go ahead. Send your e-mail.
326
00:11:47,104 --> 00:11:49,448
I am gonna rip those Capri
pants right off of your body,
327
00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:51,684
because you are my new hero.
328
00:11:51,686 --> 00:11:53,352
Well, why don't you remember
that next time you want
329
00:11:53,354 --> 00:11:55,187
to put something I love in the Goodwill?
330
00:11:55,189 --> 00:11:56,455
You're right.
331
00:11:56,457 --> 00:11:57,656
I'm sorry.
332
00:11:57,658 --> 00:11:58,891
It's okay.
333
00:11:58,893 --> 00:12:00,661
Every rose has its thorn.
334
00:12:03,987 --> 00:12:05,295
Hey, welcome aboard, Colleen!
335
00:12:05,317 --> 00:12:06,747
You know, we just throw our keys in a bowl
336
00:12:06,867 --> 00:12:07,966
and let fate decide.
337
00:12:10,690 --> 00:12:12,390
_
338
00:12:13,062 --> 00:12:15,063
Oh, man. Okay.
339
00:12:15,065 --> 00:12:16,320
All right. They got us
sitting in the middle.
340
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:17,253
You sure you don't want to run?
341
00:12:17,373 --> 00:12:18,736
Okay, no, I'm cool. I got this.
342
00:12:18,856 --> 00:12:20,099
Okay. I, uh, I used to do pageants.
343
00:12:20,219 --> 00:12:22,231
- I got this, smile big and tighten my ass.
- Nice.
344
00:12:22,351 --> 00:12:23,706
- Mm-hmm, tell me what I need to know.
- Okay.
345
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,080
Uh, winning over Mom and Dad
is the only thing that matters.
346
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,442
- Okay.
- Now, if you start to panic,
347
00:12:27,444 --> 00:12:28,744
just ask my brother Greg
348
00:12:28,746 --> 00:12:29,508
or his wife Jen about their baby.
349
00:12:29,519 --> 00:12:30,739
They will talk for 45 minutes.
350
00:12:30,859 --> 00:12:32,414
Heather and Tim are gonna be easy, okay,
351
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:33,831
because they need couples friends.
352
00:12:33,861 --> 00:12:35,032
Tim tends to scare people off
353
00:12:35,059 --> 00:12:36,839
- by making bad swinger jokes.
- Ooh. And the kids?
354
00:12:36,861 --> 00:12:38,872
The kids are great, but they're
a little bit like coyotes.
355
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,956
You know, you see one and
it's cute, but suddenly there's
356
00:12:40,958 --> 00:12:42,882
three of them and you
realize that they've come down
357
00:12:43,002 --> 00:12:44,659
- out of the hills for food.
- Okay.
358
00:12:44,661 --> 00:12:46,003
- Yeah.
- You and me, let's do this.
359
00:12:46,123 --> 00:12:47,245
- All right. You ready?
- I am.
360
00:12:47,365 --> 00:12:48,454
Here we go.
361
00:12:48,899 --> 00:12:50,098
MATT: Hey, everybody!
362
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,949
Oh, this is such a nice place!
363
00:12:52,069 --> 00:12:53,850
I've been bringing the
family here for years.
364
00:12:53,970 --> 00:12:54,949
Like our second home.
365
00:12:55,069 --> 00:12:56,180
Hey, welcome aboard, Colleen!
366
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:58,021
You know, we just throw our keys in a bowl
367
00:12:58,141 --> 00:12:59,374
and let fate decide.
368
00:12:59,376 --> 00:12:59,910
There it is.
369
00:12:59,934 --> 00:13:02,034
Daddy, can I put my key in the bowl?
370
00:13:02,952 --> 00:13:04,336
No, sweetie.
371
00:13:04,699 --> 00:13:07,018
You can't even drive yet.
372
00:13:07,930 --> 00:13:10,518
Can I start anybody off with a cocktail?
373
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,387
Oh. I'll take the usual.
374
00:13:13,189 --> 00:13:14,622
A-A beer?
375
00:13:14,624 --> 00:13:15,924
(laughs)
376
00:13:15,926 --> 00:13:16,613
A-Ahh,
377
00:13:16,733 --> 00:13:19,160
I got these inside jokes with all of 'em.
378
00:13:19,162 --> 00:13:21,034
I don't... I don't know what you...
379
00:13:21,154 --> 00:13:24,001
Colleen, it is just so
lovely to have you here.
380
00:13:24,506 --> 00:13:27,067
It's really... it's just so lovely.
381
00:13:27,187 --> 00:13:28,936
- Oh.
- It really is.
382
00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:29,580
COLLEEN: Thank you.
383
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:30,832
JOAN: We feel very lucky.
384
00:13:30,952 --> 00:13:32,492
My mom went over the top on you.
385
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,569
You don't understand. T-That's huge.
386
00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:36,159
Her skin was so soft.
387
00:13:36,189 --> 00:13:37,684
I wish I had slippers made out of her.
388
00:13:37,804 --> 00:13:40,442
- Okay, nice job on the over the top.
- MATT: Right?
389
00:13:40,562 --> 00:13:42,893
Mean, she hasn't done that
since she met Springsteen.
390
00:13:43,013 --> 00:13:44,233
Well, it wasn't really Springsteen.
391
00:13:44,353 --> 00:13:45,838
It turned out to be a
lesbian in a denim jacket,
392
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:48,725
- but she was still really excited.
-JOAN: I hear you Jen but,
393
00:13:48,845 --> 00:13:51,209
I just don't think you
can say you've read a book
394
00:13:51,329 --> 00:13:53,528
if you've only listened
to the audio version.
395
00:13:53,648 --> 00:13:54,714
- I agree with...
- Uh!
396
00:13:55,044 --> 00:13:56,934
Don't ever get in the middle of an argument
397
00:13:57,054 --> 00:13:59,200
between Jen and Mom that
starts with "I hear you"
398
00:13:59,202 --> 00:14:01,181
The subtext is always "I'm
the one who loves Greg more."
399
00:14:01,704 --> 00:14:02,603
Okay.
400
00:14:07,942 --> 00:14:09,343
You're good. You're not that hungry.
401
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,611
Do you want fruit?
402
00:14:10,613 --> 00:14:11,503
Sure.
403
00:14:14,583 --> 00:14:17,751
Aw, just stop joking around, will you?
404
00:14:17,753 --> 00:14:19,820
- (laughs weakly)
- I don't...
405
00:14:19,822 --> 00:14:22,957
La famille Short, bonjour, tout le monde.
406
00:14:22,959 --> 00:14:24,902
- Bonjour.
- ?a va? Everything is good?
407
00:14:25,022 --> 00:14:26,363
Everything's wonderful.
408
00:14:26,483 --> 00:14:27,693
Tout est merveilleux.
409
00:14:27,813 --> 00:14:29,748
J'aime particuli?rement les p?tisseries.
410
00:14:29,868 --> 00:14:31,297
Ooh, listen to her!
411
00:14:31,901 --> 00:14:33,934
Tu parles fran?ais et tu es ravissante.
412
00:14:33,936 --> 00:14:36,270
Merci, mais ton omelette
est bien meilleure.
413
00:14:36,272 --> 00:14:37,538
She's still going!
414
00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:39,573
Mangez, tout le monde.
415
00:14:39,575 --> 00:14:41,375
(sighs happily)
416
00:14:43,178 --> 00:14:46,069
You're doing great. I have never
seen them be this nice to anybody,
417
00:14:46,189 --> 00:14:49,121
and Greg dated this girl
that was, like, 75% birthmark.
418
00:14:49,218 --> 00:14:49,968
- What?
- Yeah.
419
00:14:50,088 --> 00:14:50,804
Oh, my...
420
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,122
- Keep it up.
- Okay.
421
00:14:52,554 --> 00:14:54,166
- Hi.
- You want to hear a joke?
422
00:14:54,430 --> 00:14:55,968
- Okay.
- What's brown and sticky?
423
00:14:56,088 --> 00:14:57,815
- I have no idea.
- A stick.
424
00:14:57,935 --> 00:14:59,410
Sophia, don't weird her out.
425
00:14:59,530 --> 00:15:00,663
Oh, no, it's fine.
426
00:15:00,783 --> 00:15:01,795
Just think of me like a friend.
427
00:15:01,915 --> 00:15:02,817
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
428
00:15:03,158 --> 00:15:04,916
Like a friend that might buy
429
00:15:05,036 --> 00:15:06,487
something for another friend
430
00:15:06,607 --> 00:15:07,751
that he can't buy himself?
431
00:15:07,871 --> 00:15:10,103
- Um...
- That's not cool, Tyler.
432
00:15:10,105 --> 00:15:12,139
- Oh.
- Can you buy me a thong?
433
00:15:14,709 --> 00:15:15,689
Oh!
434
00:15:15,908 --> 00:15:17,458
There's my Mai Tai!
435
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:19,938
Mai Tai.
436
00:15:20,058 --> 00:15:20,927
(laughs weakly)
437
00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:22,476
You guys, I just have to say,
438
00:15:22,596 --> 00:15:24,551
you have made me feel so welcome.
439
00:15:24,553 --> 00:15:26,498
- Thank you.
- Oh...
440
00:15:26,618 --> 00:15:27,828
If you want to come back to our place,
441
00:15:27,948 --> 00:15:29,509
we're bubbling up some fondue.
442
00:15:30,525 --> 00:15:31,828
- Never gets old.
- Oh, honey.
443
00:15:31,948 --> 00:15:33,893
I like you, Colleen.
444
00:15:33,895 --> 00:15:35,190
You're so much more pleasant
445
00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:36,830
than Matt's first wife.
446
00:15:36,832 --> 00:15:37,931
- (family groaning)
- Oh, yeah.
447
00:15:37,933 --> 00:15:38,454
Yeah.
448
00:15:38,464 --> 00:15:40,800
Oh, she was just the worst.
449
00:15:40,802 --> 00:15:42,762
Your first wife?
450
00:15:46,407 --> 00:15:48,875
Ah, man, I've had such a good time today.
451
00:15:48,877 --> 00:15:50,202
(laughs)
452
00:15:53,008 --> 00:15:55,943
(screams) Oh, my God! Oh, my...
453
00:15:57,129 --> 00:15:58,458
- _
- TV COMMENTATOR: The extra point makes it
454
00:15:58,460 --> 00:15:59,659
28 to nothing... Patriots.
455
00:16:00,513 --> 00:16:02,146
St. Louis looks traumatized.
456
00:16:02,148 --> 00:16:03,414
No!
457
00:16:03,534 --> 00:16:04,611
Is it possible
458
00:16:04,617 --> 00:16:06,864
to turn the sofa to face the television?
459
00:16:06,984 --> 00:16:09,195
Oh, no, there's an outlet there
we haven't babyproofed yet.
460
00:16:09,216 --> 00:16:10,864
I don't want to watch the Rams lose
461
00:16:10,886 --> 00:16:12,229
out of my peripheral vision.
462
00:16:12,349 --> 00:16:13,624
You can just move your head, Dad.
463
00:16:13,626 --> 00:16:14,692
You could just move your couch.
464
00:16:14,694 --> 00:16:15,636
Hey, babe.
465
00:16:15,878 --> 00:16:18,028
- Tree guy's coming on Tuesday.
- Shh.
466
00:16:18,030 --> 00:16:20,130
Your mother does realize
this is our house, right?
467
00:16:20,132 --> 00:16:22,433
- Tree guy?
- Yeah, what's wrong with your tree?
468
00:16:22,435 --> 00:16:23,894
- Oh, bark beetles. You gotta chop 'em down.
- Yeah.
469
00:16:23,945 --> 00:16:26,095
- Oh no.
- And you called "a tree guy"?
470
00:16:26,215 --> 00:16:27,006
No, I texted him.
471
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:29,506
First of all, a tree
is not cut, it's felled.
472
00:16:29,508 --> 00:16:31,973
A-and you don't just text a guy.
473
00:16:32,093 --> 00:16:34,457
I gave you that Sawzall for
your birthday. Go get it.
474
00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:36,346
Oh, um, yeah.
475
00:16:36,348 --> 00:16:38,749
We exchanged that, um,
476
00:16:39,126 --> 00:16:40,386
for that espresso machine.
477
00:16:40,506 --> 00:16:42,870
Well, not that expresso machine.
478
00:16:42,990 --> 00:16:44,058
That... that's a new one.
479
00:16:44,178 --> 00:16:45,904
- It came with a remote control.
- Oh, cool.
480
00:16:46,024 --> 00:16:46,969
- Yeah, but we lost it.
- Oh...
481
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,158
"We."
482
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:50,093
I haven't been this disappointed
483
00:16:50,095 --> 00:16:54,177
since you wanted that
magician doll last Christmas.
484
00:16:54,297 --> 00:16:55,432
It's a Darth Vader action figure.
485
00:16:55,434 --> 00:16:58,375
It had a cape and a magic wand and...
486
00:16:58,495 --> 00:17:00,270
- It's a lightsaber, Dad.
- Hey.
487
00:17:00,272 --> 00:17:02,995
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi... John.
488
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:05,675
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
489
00:17:05,677 --> 00:17:07,077
We brought da beers!
490
00:17:07,079 --> 00:17:08,178
Shut up!
491
00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:10,547
Oh, the Rams are losing, huh?
492
00:17:10,549 --> 00:17:11,815
Raised boys...
493
00:17:12,246 --> 00:17:13,483
who can't...
494
00:17:14,005 --> 00:17:15,018
do anything.
495
00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:17,002
(commentator speaking
indistinctly on television)
496
00:17:17,433 --> 00:17:18,620
(sniffs)
497
00:17:18,623 --> 00:17:20,534
Can't believe I've never
tried espresso before.
498
00:17:20,654 --> 00:17:22,569
It smells so good. It's rich and foamy.
499
00:17:25,973 --> 00:17:27,030
You just have the one bathroom, right?
500
00:17:27,032 --> 00:17:28,665
Yeah.
501
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:30,066
MATT: Should we go help Dad
502
00:17:30,068 --> 00:17:31,634
or should we have another espresso?
503
00:17:31,959 --> 00:17:33,369
If I can find the remote,
504
00:17:33,371 --> 00:17:34,753
we can do both.
505
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,245
TIM: Heather, could you come here, please?
506
00:17:40,549 --> 00:17:42,704
This used to be a
do-it-yourself country.
507
00:17:42,824 --> 00:17:43,780
Generation App.
508
00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:45,054
That's what you boys are.
509
00:17:45,174 --> 00:17:46,382
Hey, you want to see an app?
510
00:17:47,428 --> 00:17:49,185
Here's an app.
511
00:17:49,187 --> 00:17:51,554
You use it when you can't find your nuts.
512
00:17:55,759 --> 00:17:57,059
- Ow!
- JOHN: Yeah!
513
00:17:57,061 --> 00:17:58,895
- How'd that feel?
- It hurt.
514
00:17:58,897 --> 00:18:00,163
So do tattoos, but you've still got
515
00:18:00,165 --> 00:18:02,200
that stupid dolphin on your hip.
516
00:18:02,224 --> 00:18:04,224
Most intelligent creatures of the sea.
517
00:18:05,808 --> 00:18:07,126
There you go, Flipper.
518
00:18:08,313 --> 00:18:09,104
Oh...
519
00:18:09,478 --> 00:18:11,307
- JEN: You want me to take Lark?
- No.
520
00:18:11,309 --> 00:18:13,761
They made a first down
since I've been holding her.
521
00:18:13,881 --> 00:18:15,444
You've been holding her for an hour.
522
00:18:15,446 --> 00:18:16,879
Boy, that was...
523
00:18:16,881 --> 00:18:18,881
Just over nine minutes to go...
524
00:18:20,984 --> 00:18:21,951
Ah!
525
00:18:21,953 --> 00:18:23,486
- Ah...
- Hey, hey, hey, man.
526
00:18:23,488 --> 00:18:25,688
- L-Let me rock that.
- Yeah, get in on that.
527
00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:27,681
Aah!
528
00:18:27,890 --> 00:18:28,924
- Whoa!
- Yeah!
529
00:18:28,926 --> 00:18:30,296
Oh, hell yes.
530
00:18:30,416 --> 00:18:31,260
Thought I broke it.
531
00:18:31,262 --> 00:18:32,494
Hey, guys, I have to run home
532
00:18:32,496 --> 00:18:33,762
and get Tim a clean pair of pants.
533
00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:35,197
- (phone buzzes)
- So if you...
534
00:18:35,870 --> 00:18:36,837
And shoes.
535
00:18:36,957 --> 00:18:37,566
Um...
536
00:18:38,287 --> 00:18:39,518
Anybody need anything?
537
00:18:39,540 --> 00:18:41,270
Oh, I-I got a chain saw in my shed.
538
00:18:41,272 --> 00:18:43,138
Yeah! Yeah, chain saw!
539
00:18:43,140 --> 00:18:45,374
Okay. And, uh, is it okay with you
540
00:18:45,376 --> 00:18:47,409
if Tim uses your shower?
541
00:18:47,797 --> 00:18:49,244
'Cause he's already in it, so...
542
00:18:49,246 --> 00:18:51,046
just... thank you.
543
00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:52,714
Okay.
544
00:18:52,731 --> 00:18:54,283
All right, boys, let's do this.
545
00:18:54,285 --> 00:18:57,820
("Holding Out for a Hero"
by Bonnie Tyler begins)
546
00:19:03,071 --> 00:19:05,235
Where have all the good men gone
547
00:19:05,355 --> 00:19:08,245
And where are all the gods?
548
00:19:08,945 --> 00:19:11,466
Where's the streetwise Hercules
549
00:19:11,468 --> 00:19:14,670
To fight the rising odds?
550
00:19:15,594 --> 00:19:17,388
Racing on the thunder
551
00:19:18,354 --> 00:19:21,211
And rising with the heat
552
00:19:22,255 --> 00:19:24,513
It's gonna take a superman
553
00:19:24,515 --> 00:19:27,682
To sweep me off my feet
554
00:19:27,684 --> 00:19:30,218
I need a hero
555
00:19:30,220 --> 00:19:32,087
I'm holding out for a hero
556
00:19:32,089 --> 00:19:33,522
Till the end of the night
557
00:19:34,336 --> 00:19:35,896
He's got to be strong
558
00:19:35,918 --> 00:19:37,589
And he's got to be fast
559
00:19:37,709 --> 00:19:40,762
And he's got to be fresh from the fight
560
00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:43,031
I need a hero
561
00:19:43,033 --> 00:19:44,699
I'm holding out for a hero
562
00:19:44,701 --> 00:19:47,068
Till the morning light
563
00:19:47,070 --> 00:19:48,403
He's got to be sure
564
00:19:48,405 --> 00:19:50,772
And it's got to be soon
565
00:19:50,774 --> 00:19:53,274
And he's got to be larger than life
566
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,110
I need a hero
567
00:19:55,712 --> 00:19:57,846
I'm holding out for a hero
568
00:19:57,848 --> 00:19:59,581
Till the morning light
569
00:19:59,583 --> 00:20:01,683
He's got to be sure
570
00:20:01,685 --> 00:20:03,351
And it's got to be soon
571
00:20:03,353 --> 00:20:05,420
And he's got to be larger than life
572
00:20:06,232 --> 00:20:08,045
I need a hero.
573
00:20:10,533 --> 00:20:11,900
I would've helped you guys,
574
00:20:11,902 --> 00:20:13,001
but I had to save these hands.
575
00:20:13,121 --> 00:20:14,485
Got a bunch of surgeries this week.
576
00:20:14,968 --> 00:20:16,430
Also, full disclosure...
577
00:20:17,392 --> 00:20:19,608
had some tummy trouble today, so...
578
00:20:20,309 --> 00:20:20,958
JOHN: Yeah, well,
579
00:20:21,078 --> 00:20:22,793
good work out there today, boys.
580
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,288
Feels good to do something
yourself, doesn't it?
581
00:20:25,408 --> 00:20:26,540
Hey, uh, meatball me.
582
00:20:26,815 --> 00:20:27,266
Yeah.
583
00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:28,617
I-It did feel good.
584
00:20:28,737 --> 00:20:31,038
I mean, you know I feel just terrible,
585
00:20:31,158 --> 00:20:32,687
but it felt good.
586
00:20:32,807 --> 00:20:35,643
Well, you boys left it
all out there on the field.
587
00:20:35,763 --> 00:20:37,236
- Honey, you got a little something there.
- JOHN: Yep.
588
00:20:37,555 --> 00:20:38,764
Me and my boys.
589
00:20:39,126 --> 00:20:40,324
Heather, too.
590
00:20:40,687 --> 00:20:41,660
She-she's here.
591
00:20:41,780 --> 00:20:43,726
I gotta admit, that was fun.
592
00:20:43,846 --> 00:20:45,188
I've never chopped down a tree before.
593
00:20:45,462 --> 00:20:46,913
You still haven't.
594
00:20:48,594 --> 00:20:50,515
Tree guy's coming on Tuesday.
595
00:20:50,965 --> 00:20:54,405
And your chiropractor
appointment is for Wednesday.
596
00:20:54,752 --> 00:20:56,392
Synced and corrected by Octavia
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597
00:20:56,442 --> 00:21:00,992
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