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1
00:00:08,919 --> 00:00:10,453
Woman: I can't believe we finally went out.
2
00:00:10,713 --> 00:00:12,980
I mean, work is gonna be so weird now.
3
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Yeah. I don't care.
4
00:00:14,717 --> 00:00:16,417
(laughter)
5
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You want to come up?
6
00:00:19,221 --> 00:00:20,688
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
7
00:00:20,690 --> 00:00:22,156
- Yeah, I do.
- Let's go.
8
00:00:22,158 --> 00:00:23,724
- Yes.
- Right this way.
9
00:00:23,726 --> 00:00:25,225
- Thank you.
- Yes.
10
00:00:25,227 --> 00:00:26,160
Come on in.
11
00:00:26,254 --> 00:00:27,287
Okay.
12
00:00:27,289 --> 00:00:29,289
Who's he?
13
00:00:29,291 --> 00:00:31,524
Oh. Chad.
14
00:00:31,526 --> 00:00:33,159
This is Matt.
15
00:00:33,161 --> 00:00:35,962
Matt, this is my ex-fianc� Chad.
16
00:00:35,964 --> 00:00:38,765
Oh. Hey.
17
00:00:38,767 --> 00:00:41,034
- Cool.
- Yeah, cool.
18
00:00:41,036 --> 00:00:43,169
(laughter) Matt: All right, well.
19
00:00:43,171 --> 00:00:45,138
Yeah, so... Um, I can leave? I can...
20
00:00:45,140 --> 00:00:47,040
- Oh, no. No, no, don't worry.
- No?
21
00:00:47,042 --> 00:00:49,175
Don't. No, no. I, um...
I told him this was happening.
22
00:00:49,177 --> 00:00:50,778
- Okay.
- Just, I should have told you, too,
23
00:00:50,779 --> 00:00:51,776
but then you wouldn't have come up,
24
00:00:51,777 --> 00:00:54,080
and I really wanted you to.
25
00:00:54,082 --> 00:00:56,650
- I'm gonna get us some drinks, okay?
- Yeah.
26
00:00:56,981 --> 00:01:00,053
Would you mind giving us
some privacy, please, Chad?
27
00:01:00,055 --> 00:01:02,022
(clears her throat)
28
00:01:03,358 --> 00:01:05,225
(sighs)
29
00:01:05,227 --> 00:01:07,394
Okay, looks like I've got wine or wine.
30
00:01:07,396 --> 00:01:08,695
- And I also have wine.
- Yeah.
31
00:01:08,697 --> 00:01:10,296
- Beer sounds good.
- Wine it is.
32
00:01:10,298 --> 00:01:13,733
Wow! You guys already got a banter.
33
00:01:13,735 --> 00:01:16,436
I like that. It's real cute.
You guys clearly get each other.
34
00:01:16,438 --> 00:01:18,805
I'm sorry, man. I didn't know
that you were gonna be here.
35
00:01:18,807 --> 00:01:20,673
Um, what are you doing here?
36
00:01:20,675 --> 00:01:22,575
What am I doing here? I live here.
37
00:01:22,577 --> 00:01:25,045
This is my place, brah. What
are you doing here?
38
00:01:25,047 --> 00:01:27,013
Well, you know, Colleen invited me.
39
00:01:27,015 --> 00:01:29,816
You know that's my fianc�e, right?
40
00:01:29,818 --> 00:01:31,317
Think the wedding is off.
41
00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:33,286
Mm... not to us, it's not.
42
00:01:33,288 --> 00:01:34,721
Not to Princess and I.
43
00:01:34,723 --> 00:01:38,425
Maybe to her. Not to us,
okay? So it's half on.
44
00:01:38,427 --> 00:01:40,527
- Hi. Found a beer.
- Oh.
45
00:01:40,529 --> 00:01:42,062
Is that my beer?
46
00:01:42,064 --> 00:01:44,064
What are you still doing
here, Chad? Get in your room.
47
00:01:44,066 --> 00:01:45,257
- Get in your room.
- That's my beer, though.
48
00:01:45,260 --> 00:01:47,030
Yeah, just go take
Princess for a walk, please.
49
00:01:47,031 --> 00:01:47,651
Yeah, she's not in the mood.
50
00:01:47,652 --> 00:01:49,769
- She's too upset by the situation.
- Oh, my God.
51
00:01:49,771 --> 00:01:52,172
You drink that, I'm gonna kill you!
52
00:01:52,174 --> 00:01:53,807
What are you doing?
Why are you talking like that?
53
00:01:53,809 --> 00:01:55,208
That's how I talk now.
54
00:01:55,210 --> 00:01:56,609
I'm sorry. He's harmless really.
55
00:01:56,611 --> 00:01:58,144
He went to Vassar.
56
00:01:58,146 --> 00:02:02,449
Oh. So, um, why is he still here?
57
00:02:02,451 --> 00:02:05,819
- Um... we bought this place together.
- Right.
58
00:02:05,821 --> 00:02:08,054
And because of his IRS troubles,
he can't afford to leave.
59
00:02:08,056 --> 00:02:10,090
And I can't afford to buy him out, so...
60
00:02:10,092 --> 00:02:12,492
(mutters) You know, just a
few kinks we're working out.
61
00:02:12,494 --> 00:02:13,860
Yeah. (laughs)
62
00:02:13,862 --> 00:02:15,361
Weren't we doing something sexy?
63
00:02:15,363 --> 00:02:17,697
- Yeah.
- Mmm.
64
00:02:17,699 --> 00:02:19,966
(moaning)
65
00:02:19,968 --> 00:02:22,802
- Are you sure that it's okay to be doing this here?
- You mean Chad?
66
00:02:22,804 --> 00:02:24,737
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he can't hear anything in here.
67
00:02:24,739 --> 00:02:26,606
Okay, but, you know, he's looking at us,
68
00:02:26,608 --> 00:02:27,941
and-and he's crying.
69
00:02:27,943 --> 00:02:29,008
(crying)
70
00:02:29,010 --> 00:02:30,376
(Princess whimpers, Chad kisses)
71
00:02:30,378 --> 00:02:31,878
- Want to go to your place?
- I'll drive.
72
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,179
Okay.
73
00:02:33,181 --> 00:02:34,514
This is, like, so fancy.
74
00:02:34,516 --> 00:02:37,317
You really buried the lead on this one.
75
00:02:37,319 --> 00:02:38,751
Are you, like, a trust fund baby?
76
00:02:38,753 --> 00:02:40,153
Ah, no, it's not like that.
77
00:02:40,155 --> 00:02:41,521
Hey, can I get you something to drink?
78
00:02:41,523 --> 00:02:43,656
I think we have wine and wine.
79
00:02:43,658 --> 00:02:45,258
- Woman: We're in here, Matt.
- Man: Hey, Matt, come here.
80
00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:46,693
You got to see this.
81
00:02:46,695 --> 00:02:48,728
It's that Steven Seagal movie I love.
82
00:02:48,730 --> 00:02:51,331
Not the one where he kills
everybody to save the trees,
83
00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:53,700
but the one where he
dislocates all their shoulders.
84
00:02:53,702 --> 00:02:55,535
Woman: Ooh!
85
00:02:55,537 --> 00:02:56,936
Hello. Hi.
86
00:02:56,938 --> 00:02:58,271
Honey, Matt has a friend here.
87
00:02:58,273 --> 00:02:59,706
Pause the TV.
88
00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:01,341
- Okay.
- (yelling on TV)
89
00:03:01,343 --> 00:03:02,675
Honey, just pause it.
90
00:03:02,677 --> 00:03:05,712
- I'm trying.
- Yeah, just pause it, sweetheart.
91
00:03:05,714 --> 00:03:07,847
- Man: How many remotes do we need?
- Can you just pause it?
92
00:03:07,849 --> 00:03:09,649
- Whatever happened to knobs?
- (volume increases)
93
00:03:09,651 --> 00:03:11,284
- Yeah, pause it.
- I can't find the...
94
00:03:11,286 --> 00:03:13,186
- (man yelling on TV)
- Oh, pause it!
95
00:03:13,188 --> 00:03:15,522
(loud soundtrack plays on TV)
96
00:03:15,524 --> 00:03:17,524
- Oh.
- (TV turns off, laughter)
97
00:03:17,526 --> 00:03:20,860
Thought you guys were gonna
be at the Kaufmann bar mitzvah.
98
00:03:20,862 --> 00:03:23,062
Oh, they had to shut the party down early
99
00:03:23,064 --> 00:03:26,099
because little Joshy got
overwhelmed by the hypnotist
100
00:03:26,101 --> 00:03:28,668
and spent the whole time
in the corner crying.
101
00:03:28,670 --> 00:03:30,270
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
102
00:03:30,272 --> 00:03:31,571
You're adorable.
103
00:03:31,573 --> 00:03:33,273
- Oh.
- Would you like a scoop
104
00:03:33,275 --> 00:03:34,674
of vanilla ice cream?
105
00:03:34,676 --> 00:03:36,576
I have a scoop every night.
106
00:03:43,018 --> 00:03:45,585
Drive you home?
107
00:03:48,490 --> 00:03:50,223
(moaning)
108
00:03:50,225 --> 00:03:54,594
Oh, this is so hot. All we
needed was our own space.
109
00:03:54,596 --> 00:03:56,129
(moaning)
110
00:03:56,131 --> 00:03:58,431
Hmm? You hookers never learn.
111
00:03:58,433 --> 00:03:59,933
Get out the car.
112
00:04:02,441 --> 00:04:03,941
(woman yelps)
113
00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:05,409
Woman: Remember to breathe, Jen.
114
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:06,911
- (yelling)
- You can do this. Bear down now.
115
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,279
- There you go.
- (screaming)
116
00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:09,914
There you go. Good job. Good job.
117
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,549
- And now give me a really good push.
- I can't!
118
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,150
- A really good push.
- MAN: You can. You can do it.
119
00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:14,652
- You can do it, sweetie.You can.
- Okay. (groans)
120
00:04:14,654 --> 00:04:15,486
You got it. You can do it.
121
00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:16,987
(screaming)
122
00:04:17,712 --> 00:04:19,145
There you go. Oh.
123
00:04:19,147 --> 00:04:20,513
Oh, I see the baby's head.
124
00:04:20,515 --> 00:04:22,248
- You can see it?
- Oh, no.
125
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:24,984
Ah. Did I poop on the table?
126
00:04:24,986 --> 00:04:26,719
MAN: Um... Oh, my God,
127
00:04:26,721 --> 00:04:28,121
- I did, didn't I?
- Ah...
128
00:04:28,123 --> 00:04:29,389
Was it a lot?
129
00:04:29,391 --> 00:04:31,324
- Uh, well, uh... Um...
- Say something!
130
00:04:31,326 --> 00:04:33,626
Don't worry, hon. I seen a
whole lot worse than that.
131
00:04:33,628 --> 00:04:35,128
It gets worse than that?
132
00:04:35,130 --> 00:04:35,962
Mm-hmm.
133
00:04:35,964 --> 00:04:37,263
(whimpers)
134
00:04:37,265 --> 00:04:38,631
Hello.
135
00:04:38,633 --> 00:04:41,234
All right, Daddy crushed this swaddle.
136
00:04:41,236 --> 00:04:43,703
She's not getting out of
this thing till high school.
137
00:04:43,705 --> 00:04:45,605
Oh. Hello.
138
00:04:45,607 --> 00:04:49,809
Oh, our little baby burrito.
139
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:53,279
Knock, knock. How are
you feeling this morning?
140
00:04:53,281 --> 00:04:55,982
Ah... Ah, that couch
did a number on my neck.
141
00:04:55,984 --> 00:04:57,617
Ah, well, I've written
142
00:04:57,619 --> 00:04:59,552
a prescription for the pain, and I'm gonna
143
00:04:59,554 --> 00:05:01,721
give you a bunch of these latex gloves.
144
00:05:01,723 --> 00:05:03,022
Your job is to fill them with water
145
00:05:03,024 --> 00:05:04,290
and keep them in the freezer.
146
00:05:04,292 --> 00:05:06,192
Take a frozen glove and
147
00:05:06,194 --> 00:05:07,460
insert a finger for relief.
148
00:05:07,462 --> 00:05:08,861
Oh.
149
00:05:08,863 --> 00:05:10,997
- Let the fun begin.
- I'll see you guys
150
00:05:10,999 --> 00:05:13,499
in six weeks, and of
course, no sex until then.
151
00:05:13,501 --> 00:05:15,635
I'm sorry. Did we know that?
152
00:05:15,637 --> 00:05:17,070
Oh, slow down.
153
00:05:17,072 --> 00:05:19,739
That tunnel is under construction.
154
00:05:19,741 --> 00:05:21,341
Which reminds me...
155
00:05:21,343 --> 00:05:23,643
until I see you, do not,
156
00:05:23,645 --> 00:05:26,245
no matter what, under any circumstances,
157
00:05:26,247 --> 00:05:28,748
for any reason ever
158
00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:30,683
look down there.
159
00:05:30,685 --> 00:05:32,618
- Okay.
- You're gonna want to.
160
00:05:32,620 --> 00:05:34,520
- No, I'm not. Not anymore.
- Promise me?
161
00:05:34,522 --> 00:05:35,855
Okay, I promise. I swear to God.
162
00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:37,323
This is supposed to be a happy time.
163
00:05:37,325 --> 00:05:41,260
It is. Oh! Congratulations!
164
00:05:41,262 --> 00:05:43,997
(baby cooing)
165
00:05:43,999 --> 00:05:46,366
(all crying) I'm so happy.
166
00:05:46,368 --> 00:05:48,234
It's incredible.
167
00:05:48,236 --> 00:05:50,937
How is the hospital letting us leave?
168
00:05:50,939 --> 00:05:52,472
I don't know.
169
00:05:52,474 --> 00:05:54,607
I mean, they should lose their license.
170
00:05:54,609 --> 00:05:58,277
Like, I never even held
a baby until yesterday.
171
00:05:58,279 --> 00:05:59,979
Slow down!
172
00:05:59,981 --> 00:06:01,347
(horn honking)
173
00:06:01,349 --> 00:06:04,117
Slower!
174
00:06:06,955 --> 00:06:08,588
Piece 36.
175
00:06:08,590 --> 00:06:11,791
Where the hell is piece 36?
176
00:06:11,793 --> 00:06:14,761
Why is there a piece 36?
177
00:06:14,763 --> 00:06:15,995
- (woman screaming)
- What?!
178
00:06:15,997 --> 00:06:19,732
Ow! What is it? What?
179
00:06:19,734 --> 00:06:22,402
She's fine. She's totally fine.
180
00:06:22,404 --> 00:06:26,806
What's the problem? I don't...
181
00:06:26,808 --> 00:06:28,641
Oh, God.
182
00:06:28,643 --> 00:06:30,810
No. No, you looked.
183
00:06:30,812 --> 00:06:33,946
Yeah, I looked. I looked down there.
184
00:06:33,948 --> 00:06:36,282
Why would you do that?
Why didn't you wait the six weeks?
185
00:06:36,284 --> 00:06:37,650
I couldn't do it.
186
00:06:37,652 --> 00:06:39,285
I mean, if someone hands you a box
187
00:06:39,287 --> 00:06:40,820
and says there's something
super crazy inside,
188
00:06:40,822 --> 00:06:42,255
but you're not allowed to look in it,
189
00:06:42,257 --> 00:06:44,223
of course you're going to look in it!
190
00:06:44,225 --> 00:06:46,059
(crying): I looked in my box.
191
00:06:46,061 --> 00:06:47,460
Oh, sweetie, come here.
192
00:06:47,462 --> 00:06:49,195
Come here, come here. It's okay.
193
00:06:49,197 --> 00:06:50,530
Oh, God. (sighs)
194
00:06:50,532 --> 00:06:52,331
Was that bad, huh?
195
00:06:52,333 --> 00:06:54,333
Oh. Do you remember, uh,
196
00:06:54,335 --> 00:06:58,037
when the Predator took off his mask?
197
00:06:58,039 --> 00:07:01,240
I mean, I don't know if
we can ever have sex again.
198
00:07:01,242 --> 00:07:04,043
Like... ever!
199
00:07:04,045 --> 00:07:06,012
- Okay.
- (exhales loudly)
200
00:07:06,014 --> 00:07:07,780
It's okay. So, uh... so we won't.
201
00:07:07,782 --> 00:07:09,182
Okay.
202
00:07:09,184 --> 00:07:11,551
She's worth it, right? I mean, look at her.
203
00:07:11,553 --> 00:07:13,152
(laughs)
204
00:07:13,154 --> 00:07:14,654
Ever?
205
00:07:14,656 --> 00:07:16,622
Oh, God, I'm in so much pain.
206
00:07:16,624 --> 00:07:18,691
You know what? Hey,
let's get the glove. What?
207
00:07:18,693 --> 00:07:20,026
- The glove. The glove.
- Go get the glove.
208
00:07:20,028 --> 00:07:21,260
Yes, yes. Go get the glove.
209
00:07:21,262 --> 00:07:22,628
We can do this!
210
00:07:22,630 --> 00:07:24,163
We can save your vagina!
211
00:07:24,165 --> 00:07:25,731
Hurry before it's too late!
212
00:07:25,733 --> 00:07:27,500
Okay!
213
00:07:27,502 --> 00:07:30,536
It's taken me a little
longer than I anticipated.
214
00:07:30,538 --> 00:07:32,271
(soft groaning)
215
00:07:33,708 --> 00:07:35,942
- Here you go, sweetie.
- What?! Don't give it to me.
216
00:07:35,944 --> 00:07:37,977
I can't go back down there. You do it.
217
00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:39,879
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
218
00:07:39,881 --> 00:07:42,215
Honey, please. I feel like
I've done a lot for us recently.
219
00:07:42,217 --> 00:07:43,716
I need you to do this for me.
220
00:07:43,718 --> 00:07:47,220
Okay, fine. For you.
221
00:07:47,222 --> 00:07:48,988
(groaning) Oh, God.
222
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:51,057
(groaning)
223
00:07:51,059 --> 00:07:52,725
This is really weird. Oh!
224
00:07:52,727 --> 00:07:54,160
Fine. Just cut me off at the waist
225
00:07:54,162 --> 00:07:55,795
and put me on one of those skateboards.
226
00:07:55,797 --> 00:07:56,863
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
227
00:07:56,865 --> 00:07:58,131
- I'll do it, I'll do it.
- Okay.
228
00:07:58,133 --> 00:08:00,666
Whoa. Where are you going with that thing?!
229
00:08:00,668 --> 00:08:03,202
Well, I don't know! I can't see
where I'm going! You're not looking?!
230
00:08:03,204 --> 00:08:04,704
No, I'm not looking! I don't want to look
231
00:08:04,706 --> 00:08:06,005
if the Predator's down there.
232
00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:09,408
- Oh! Okay, north!
- Okay, okay. Yeah?
233
00:08:10,411 --> 00:08:12,245
Uh.
234
00:08:12,247 --> 00:08:14,680
Yeah.
235
00:08:14,682 --> 00:08:17,950
- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
236
00:08:17,952 --> 00:08:19,886
Mommy likes that.
237
00:08:19,888 --> 00:08:22,922
Ahoy, captain. (chuckles)
238
00:08:22,924 --> 00:08:24,724
Mmm.
239
00:08:24,726 --> 00:08:26,759
What has happened to our relationship?
240
00:08:26,761 --> 00:08:28,361
(sighs)
241
00:08:29,872 --> 00:08:31,872
�(Trademark)� Called a police and a fireman �(Trademark)�
242
00:08:31,897 --> 00:08:33,064
- �(Trademark)� I'm too hot �(Trademark)�
- �(Trademark)� Hot damn... �(Trademark)�
243
00:08:34,257 --> 00:08:35,957
�(Trademark)� Make a dragon wanna retire, man �(Trademark)�
244
00:08:35,958 --> 00:08:37,959
- �(Trademark)� I'm too hot �(Trademark)�
- �(Trademark)� Hot damn... �(Trademark)�
245
00:08:38,637 --> 00:08:40,537
�(Trademark)� Say my name, you know who I am �(Trademark)�
246
00:08:40,540 --> 00:08:42,707
- �(Trademark)� I'm too hot �(Trademark)�
- �(Trademark)� Hot damn... �(Trademark)�
247
00:08:42,708 --> 00:08:46,109
Your first college visit!
Isn't this exciting?
248
00:08:46,111 --> 00:08:47,611
Uh-huh.
249
00:08:47,613 --> 00:08:50,047
Yeah.
250
00:08:50,049 --> 00:08:51,448
- College, buddy.
- Where you going?!
251
00:08:51,450 --> 00:08:52,816
This is where it all happens.
252
00:08:52,818 --> 00:08:54,952
Anything you want to ask me?
253
00:08:54,954 --> 00:08:58,188
No. I think I'm good, Dad.
254
00:08:58,190 --> 00:09:00,891
You sure? 'Cause your sister
tells me you're a virgin.
255
00:09:00,893 --> 00:09:02,292
What? She doesn't know.
256
00:09:02,294 --> 00:09:03,760
It's okay.
257
00:09:03,762 --> 00:09:05,929
I didn't lose my virginity until college.
258
00:09:05,931 --> 00:09:07,998
I thought I lost it in high school,
259
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,300
but that was disqualified.
260
00:09:10,302 --> 00:09:12,836
How does it get disqualified?
261
00:09:12,838 --> 00:09:15,105
We were on this couch at
Uncle Dave's beach house...
262
00:09:15,107 --> 00:09:17,207
Oh, I don't think I want
to hear this story. No.
263
00:09:17,209 --> 00:09:19,409
It's time I told someone, and
I want that someone to be you.
264
00:09:19,411 --> 00:09:21,144
- So...
- No, it doesn't have to be me.
265
00:09:21,146 --> 00:09:23,280
We're on this couch, right, and it starts,
266
00:09:23,282 --> 00:09:25,816
and it is amazing.
267
00:09:25,818 --> 00:09:27,985
I mean, we were both really into it, right?
268
00:09:27,987 --> 00:09:30,287
And she looks me right in
the eye, and you know what
269
00:09:30,289 --> 00:09:32,589
she says to me?
- "Never tell this to your son"�?
270
00:09:32,591 --> 00:09:34,524
What? No. She says...
271
00:09:34,526 --> 00:09:36,426
"Okay, let's do it."�
272
00:09:36,428 --> 00:09:38,795
And I'm, like, "What?
What are you talking about?
273
00:09:38,797 --> 00:09:40,397
We just did it"�
274
00:09:40,399 --> 00:09:42,499
And then I realized...
275
00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:44,501
I was never with her.
276
00:09:44,503 --> 00:09:48,272
I was... with the...
277
00:09:48,274 --> 00:09:50,173
You were with the what?
278
00:09:50,175 --> 00:09:54,745
You know that space between
the two cushions of a couch?
279
00:09:56,715 --> 00:09:59,750
You lost your virginity to a couch?
280
00:09:59,752 --> 00:10:01,985
It only occurred to me when I
looked down and saw a lint ball
281
00:10:01,987 --> 00:10:04,421
and a nickel stuck to the end of my penis.
282
00:10:04,423 --> 00:10:08,025
I can't believe you're a doctor.
283
00:10:08,027 --> 00:10:09,960
Yes, well, speaking of which,
284
00:10:09,962 --> 00:10:11,895
you make sure you wrap that rascal.
285
00:10:11,897 --> 00:10:15,299
The clap is back.
286
00:10:15,301 --> 00:10:16,700
Don't worry.
287
00:10:16,702 --> 00:10:18,402
I'll take good care of Tyler.
288
00:10:18,404 --> 00:10:20,070
We're gonna spend some time in the library,
289
00:10:20,072 --> 00:10:21,505
grab a healthy meal
followed by a prayer meeting.
290
00:10:21,507 --> 00:10:22,973
Then straight to sleepsville.
291
00:10:22,975 --> 00:10:25,242
All right, honey, just promise me
292
00:10:25,244 --> 00:10:26,877
you're gonna make good choices.
293
00:10:26,879 --> 00:10:29,446
- I will. Yeah.
- Okay. Oh, you know what, you have a little...
294
00:10:29,448 --> 00:10:30,871
- Mom. Mom.
- Right here. It's okay. I got it.
295
00:10:30,872 --> 00:10:31,772
It's gone now. Gone.
296
00:10:31,817 --> 00:10:34,685
- Okay. Made you a sandwich, so you have...
- Mom,
297
00:10:34,687 --> 00:10:37,254
are you kidding? - No, it's for
you. Just stick it in your pocket
298
00:10:37,256 --> 00:10:39,022
- so you have it for later. I don't care if you eat it.
- I don't want it.
299
00:10:39,024 --> 00:10:40,490
- I just want you to take it with you.
- I'm not going to.
300
00:10:40,492 --> 00:10:41,825
- Because...
- Just take the sandwich so we can
301
00:10:41,827 --> 00:10:43,694
- all get on with our lives.
- Mom...
302
00:10:43,696 --> 00:10:45,429
There are cranberries in it,
and I want you to have it
303
00:10:45,431 --> 00:10:47,030
in case you need a snack.
304
00:10:47,032 --> 00:10:49,099
Okay. (chuckles)
305
00:10:49,101 --> 00:10:52,502
I love you!
306
00:10:52,504 --> 00:10:55,539
I wish your mom would shove
her sandwich in my pants.
307
00:10:55,541 --> 00:10:57,908
Let's talk party options for the night.
308
00:10:58,811 --> 00:11:01,411
So he didn't want the sandwich.
309
00:11:01,413 --> 00:11:04,147
- I would've eaten it.
- No, it's not the sandwich.
310
00:11:04,149 --> 00:11:07,017
It's just... Tyler is applying to colleges.
311
00:11:07,019 --> 00:11:09,986
I feel like it was just
yesterday he was in diapers.
312
00:11:09,988 --> 00:11:12,756
God, he was so cute. Do you...
313
00:11:12,758 --> 00:11:15,659
You remember how he used to call
berries "babies"�? (chuckles)
314
00:11:15,661 --> 00:11:18,562
Like, "straw-babies" and "rasp-babies"�
315
00:11:18,564 --> 00:11:19,700
And "black-babies".
316
00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:21,201
- Screaming for 'em at the restaurant.
- Oh, my God.
317
00:11:21,433 --> 00:11:24,801
"Eat black-babies! Eat
black-babies! Eat black.."�
318
00:11:24,803 --> 00:11:29,005
Oh. Made that trip to Jamaica
one for the record books.
319
00:11:31,610 --> 00:11:36,046
I can't believe you would
tell her he isn't real.
320
00:11:36,048 --> 00:11:39,616
- She did it on purpose.
- You asked. What am I supposed to do, lie?
321
00:11:39,618 --> 00:11:42,052
Yes! Billions of people
lie about it every year!
322
00:11:42,054 --> 00:11:43,887
Well, you told me never to lie.
323
00:11:43,889 --> 00:11:46,990
- Go to your room.
- I don't have a room. We're in a hotel.
324
00:11:46,992 --> 00:11:48,425
Go to the bathroom.
325
00:11:48,427 --> 00:11:50,861
But I don't... have to go.
326
00:11:50,863 --> 00:11:52,863
Go into the bathroom now.
327
00:11:52,865 --> 00:11:55,065
Are you kidding me?
328
00:11:57,136 --> 00:12:00,270
(groans)
329
00:12:00,272 --> 00:12:04,941
So, it's this giant conspiracy
that everyone is in on but me?
330
00:12:04,943 --> 00:12:07,444
The fact that you know
the word "conspiracy"�
331
00:12:07,446 --> 00:12:09,880
makes me think maybe you
were ready for the truth.
332
00:12:09,882 --> 00:12:14,284
(sighs) What else has this
entire family been lying about?
333
00:12:14,286 --> 00:12:16,920
- Like, is the Easter B...
- Made-up.
334
00:12:16,922 --> 00:12:18,522
- What about the Too...
- Made-up.
335
00:12:18,524 --> 00:12:20,824
- (scoffs)
- All made-up. Everything.
336
00:12:20,826 --> 00:12:23,660
Even God?
337
00:12:23,662 --> 00:12:26,363
That's real.
338
00:12:26,365 --> 00:12:29,866
(sighs) Up is down and
down is up for me right now.
339
00:12:29,868 --> 00:12:31,802
I need some time alone.
340
00:12:31,804 --> 00:12:34,104
Okay. I... I think the
closet is still available.
341
00:12:34,106 --> 00:12:36,072
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
342
00:12:36,074 --> 00:12:39,943
And you have some serious
trust to rebuild here.
343
00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:42,579
(quietly): How could she be so smart
and not have figured it out yet?
344
00:12:42,581 --> 00:12:46,049
Because, Tim, she is a
sweet, innocent child.
345
00:12:46,051 --> 00:12:48,652
Or she was. Our last baby.
346
00:12:48,654 --> 00:12:50,487
I mean, first Tyler and now this.
347
00:12:50,489 --> 00:12:52,756
I just don't know how much more I can take.
348
00:12:52,758 --> 00:12:57,427
Mom, I think I got my period.
349
00:12:57,429 --> 00:12:59,062
Oh, my God.
350
00:12:59,064 --> 00:13:01,998
Congratulations.
351
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,900
What do you mean you don't know
how to get ice? You just push
352
00:13:03,902 --> 00:13:05,936
the giant button that says
"Ice"� and the ice...
353
00:13:05,938 --> 00:13:07,904
Whoa. What are you... Mmm.
354
00:13:07,906 --> 00:13:11,174
Oh. I want to have another baby.
355
00:13:11,176 --> 00:13:13,410
- What, here?
- Hurry up. Let's do it now
356
00:13:13,412 --> 00:13:15,123
before the kids wake up and
then they wonder where we are.
357
00:13:15,124 --> 00:13:16,270
I don't know if we should
be having another kid
358
00:13:16,275 --> 00:13:18,949
if we're hiding from
the ones we already have.
359
00:13:18,951 --> 00:13:20,116
No, our fourth one will be different.
360
00:13:20,118 --> 00:13:21,384
This'll be our special baby.
361
00:13:21,386 --> 00:13:24,321
We will finally get everything right.
362
00:13:24,323 --> 00:13:27,257
Mmm. Oh, God, you're making a
lot of sense right now. Yeah.
363
00:13:27,259 --> 00:13:29,626
You know what, what are the odds
we mess up four in a row, right?
364
00:13:29,628 --> 00:13:32,095
- Right?
- Let's do this. It can still work, right?
365
00:13:35,601 --> 00:13:37,968
I tell you I want to have a baby with you,
366
00:13:37,970 --> 00:13:40,203
and then you call me old.
367
00:13:40,205 --> 00:13:41,571
No, that was a practical question.
368
00:13:41,573 --> 00:13:43,907
I would never call you old. I'm old.
369
00:13:43,909 --> 00:13:46,843
We're the same age. You have to know
370
00:13:46,845 --> 00:13:49,713
how I'm going to react if you
say something like that to me.
371
00:13:49,715 --> 00:13:52,148
No, you see, that's just it. I don't know.
Because I don't know what I'm saying.
372
00:13:52,150 --> 00:13:54,618
Nine times out of ten,
I don't think. I just speak.
373
00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:56,353
So when I ask can it still work,
374
00:13:56,355 --> 00:13:58,822
I just want to know if we're
playing with live bullets.
375
00:13:58,824 --> 00:14:01,057
Well, you're the bullet, so you tell me.
376
00:14:01,059 --> 00:14:03,193
- Oh, my bullets are live.
- Yeah?
377
00:14:03,195 --> 00:14:07,831
Yeah. I just want to
know if the target is...
378
00:14:07,833 --> 00:14:09,566
fresh.
379
00:14:09,568 --> 00:14:13,470
So right there, were you...
thinking or just speaking again?
380
00:14:13,472 --> 00:14:17,440
I thought I was thinking
but, turns out, I just spoke.
381
00:14:17,442 --> 00:14:18,542
Yeah.
382
00:14:18,544 --> 00:14:19,876
- Come on.
- No.
383
00:14:19,878 --> 00:14:21,778
I think I'm good. I'm... I'm...
384
00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:24,114
Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
385
00:14:24,116 --> 00:14:26,516
(sighs) Heather.
386
00:14:26,518 --> 00:14:28,285
Do you still want the ice?
387
00:14:28,287 --> 00:14:30,053
(groans) Geez.
388
00:14:31,290 --> 00:14:32,656
(knocking)
389
00:14:32,658 --> 00:14:35,292
Rise and shine, High School.
390
00:14:35,294 --> 00:14:38,228
Your parental units are here.
391
00:14:40,999 --> 00:14:45,669
�(Trademark)� Karma, karma, karma,
karma, karma chameleon �(Trademark)�
392
00:14:45,671 --> 00:14:47,571
So, how was it?
393
00:14:47,573 --> 00:14:49,472
�(Trademark)� You come and go �(Trademark)�
394
00:14:49,474 --> 00:14:52,008
- (retching)
- (others groaning)
395
00:14:52,010 --> 00:14:55,111
�(Trademark)� If your colors were like my dream �(Trademark)�
396
00:14:55,113 --> 00:14:59,049
You ate your sandwich.
397
00:14:59,051 --> 00:15:00,517
That's classic.
398
00:15:02,349 --> 00:15:04,483
(organ playing)
399
00:15:06,503 --> 00:15:07,768
Kids,
400
00:15:07,770 --> 00:15:10,271
I just want you to know
401
00:15:10,273 --> 00:15:12,006
that it's okay that you're not crying.
402
00:15:12,008 --> 00:15:15,810
'Cause we each grieve
over your father's... death
403
00:15:15,812 --> 00:15:17,879
in different ways.
404
00:15:17,881 --> 00:15:20,114
Yeah. Putting on quite a show, huh, Mom?
405
00:15:20,116 --> 00:15:21,582
Yeah, how are we supposed to act?
406
00:15:21,584 --> 00:15:23,484
I've never been to one of these before.
407
00:15:23,486 --> 00:15:24,652
It's gonna be okay.
408
00:15:24,654 --> 00:15:26,654
That's how you act.
409
00:15:26,656 --> 00:15:30,925
Thank you, sweetie. Your
father would be proud of you.
410
00:15:30,927 --> 00:15:32,960
Oh, here he is now.
411
00:15:32,962 --> 00:15:34,829
(fanfare)
412
00:15:34,831 --> 00:15:36,831
- Are we supposed to clap?
- Hello
413
00:15:36,833 --> 00:15:39,367
and thank you all for coming to my funeral.
414
00:15:39,369 --> 00:15:40,535
Is this a cool
415
00:15:40,537 --> 00:15:43,104
70th birthday party or what?
416
00:15:43,106 --> 00:15:45,139
- (scattered chuckles)
- I actually thought of it
417
00:15:45,141 --> 00:15:48,042
after going to my dear
friend Chuck's funeral,
418
00:15:48,044 --> 00:15:50,745
and I thought, "Wouldn't he be tickled
419
00:15:50,747 --> 00:15:55,349
to hear everybody's kind
words"�. So I said to Joanie,
420
00:15:55,351 --> 00:15:57,552
"I don't want to miss
that. Let's just do this
421
00:15:57,554 --> 00:16:00,254
while I'm still here to
enjoy it."� And, besides,
422
00:16:00,256 --> 00:16:04,625
this is a... a terrific opportunity
to bring my busy family together
423
00:16:04,627 --> 00:16:06,060
with everyone's lives
424
00:16:06,062 --> 00:16:07,562
moving so fast.
425
00:16:07,564 --> 00:16:09,630
My grandson, Tyler,
426
00:16:09,632 --> 00:16:11,432
he's applying for college.
427
00:16:11,434 --> 00:16:14,835
His sister, Samantha, she
just had her first period.
428
00:16:14,837 --> 00:16:16,237
And my son, Greg,
429
00:16:16,239 --> 00:16:19,006
had our fourth grandchild
430
00:16:19,008 --> 00:16:22,343
with, uh... his wife.
431
00:16:22,345 --> 00:16:24,212
- Your dad just forgot my name again.
- No, he didn't.
432
00:16:24,214 --> 00:16:26,547
His... wonderful wife.
433
00:16:26,549 --> 00:16:29,584
It's cool. I've only been a part
of this family for five years.
434
00:16:29,586 --> 00:16:30,518
There she is.
435
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,487
- Hey. (chuckles)
- So, enough of my yakking.
436
00:16:33,489 --> 00:16:36,457
Let's get on with the
eulogies, huh? Cheers.
437
00:16:36,459 --> 00:16:38,025
(applause) (slurping)
438
00:16:38,027 --> 00:16:40,428
"Pour away the ocean
and sweep up the woods,
439
00:16:40,430 --> 00:16:41,662
For nothing now
440
00:16:41,664 --> 00:16:43,464
can ever come
441
00:16:43,466 --> 00:16:45,132
to any good."�
442
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,535
- Thank you.
- (applause)
443
00:16:47,537 --> 00:16:50,304
Honey, did you write that?
444
00:16:50,306 --> 00:16:52,440
That should be published.
445
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:54,377
Thanks, Mom. (chuckles)
446
00:16:54,379 --> 00:16:56,012
Stole that from Four
Weddings and a Funeral.
447
00:16:56,014 --> 00:16:57,714
Who stole it from W. H. Auden.
448
00:16:57,716 --> 00:17:00,484
So technically I didn't
steal it. I just performed it.
449
00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:03,620
Okay, Dad, um, I love you,
450
00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:05,455
and, um, yeah, I... I miss you.
451
00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:07,057
Stop talking to me.
452
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:08,825
But I'm not talking to you.
453
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:10,460
I'm... I'm talking to you
454
00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:12,529
like you were in heaven.
You stop talking to me.
455
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,797
Well, whatever you're doing,
456
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,465
it's... it's not good.
457
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:17,167
It takes everybody out of this.
458
00:17:17,169 --> 00:17:19,202
You don't think that you sitting there
459
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:22,372
is taking people out of this?
460
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:24,574
- May I continue?
- Well, it depends
461
00:17:24,576 --> 00:17:26,910
on what you're gonna
say. I mean, obviously,
462
00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:28,778
- you didn't come here very prepared.
- Okay. Okay.
463
00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:31,181
Great.
464
00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:33,984
Next!
465
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:36,820
�(Trademark)� And it seems to me �(Trademark)�
466
00:17:36,822 --> 00:17:38,455
�(Trademark)� You lived your life �(Trademark)�
467
00:17:38,457 --> 00:17:40,857
�(Trademark)� Like a candle in the wind �(Trademark)�
468
00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:44,094
�(Trademark)� Never knowing who to cling to �(Trademark)�
469
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:46,596
�(Trademark)� When the rain set in �(Trademark)�
470
00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:48,098
(snores) Samantha: �(Trademark)� And I would have liked �(Trademark)�
471
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,566
- �(Trademark)� To have known you �(Trademark)�
- (clears throat)
472
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,568
- �(Trademark)� But I was just a kid �(Trademark)�
- �(Trademark)� Ooh... �(Trademark)�
473
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:54,771
�(Trademark)� Your candle burned out �(Trademark)�
474
00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:57,140
�(Trademark)� Long before �(Trademark)�
475
00:17:57,142 --> 00:18:01,578
�(Trademark)� Your legend ever did. �(Trademark)�
476
00:18:04,205 --> 00:18:07,206
What can I say about this man
477
00:18:07,208 --> 00:18:11,944
that I have cherished for 49 years?
478
00:18:11,946 --> 00:18:14,247
I just love him.
479
00:18:14,249 --> 00:18:17,350
I'm sorry.
480
00:18:17,352 --> 00:18:19,100
Easy on the waterworks, Joanie.
481
00:18:19,101 --> 00:18:20,101
- They get it, honey.
- No.
482
00:18:20,154 --> 00:18:24,257
This is real, you son of a bitch.
483
00:18:24,259 --> 00:18:26,525
I mean, not this, not this. But that?
484
00:18:26,527 --> 00:18:29,195
That's real. And someday I'm
gonna be standing up here,
485
00:18:29,197 --> 00:18:31,464
and you're not gonna be saying
486
00:18:31,466 --> 00:18:35,134
"Easy on the waterworks,"� are you?
487
00:18:35,136 --> 00:18:37,436
Oh, I'm so sorry.
488
00:18:37,438 --> 00:18:38,771
It's just so ridiculous,
489
00:18:38,773 --> 00:18:41,641
this whole thing!
490
00:18:41,643 --> 00:18:44,744
Jerky idea. Jerk!
491
00:18:44,746 --> 00:18:46,579
(murmuring)
492
00:18:48,683 --> 00:18:51,817
- (tooting)
- No. It's clear we are not doing that.
493
00:18:51,819 --> 00:18:53,219
Ow.
494
00:18:53,221 --> 00:18:56,088
Heather: Mom, are you
okay? You guys all right?
495
00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:59,158
Hey, uh, I'd like to apologize.
496
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,761
This was a terrible idea.
497
00:19:01,763 --> 00:19:05,998
You kept asking why
don't more people do this.
498
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,400
This is why.
499
00:19:07,402 --> 00:19:09,769
I don't want to die.
500
00:19:09,771 --> 00:19:12,271
Who said anything about you dying?
501
00:19:12,273 --> 00:19:13,940
Everyone. Were you not listening?
502
00:19:13,942 --> 00:19:16,108
Look, what you kids don't get
503
00:19:16,110 --> 00:19:17,777
is life is about these moments,
504
00:19:17,779 --> 00:19:19,845
these pieces of time,
505
00:19:19,847 --> 00:19:22,715
these slices of life that flash by,
506
00:19:22,717 --> 00:19:26,018
but they stay in your heart forever.
507
00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:28,788
But I'm running out of moments.
508
00:19:28,790 --> 00:19:32,458
- How many more do I get?
- Oh, honey. No.
509
00:19:32,460 --> 00:19:34,860
We still have plenty of time left.
510
00:19:34,862 --> 00:19:37,663
70 is the new 80.
511
00:19:37,665 --> 00:19:39,265
You mean the new 60.
512
00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:40,700
Whatever. The point is
513
00:19:40,702 --> 00:19:44,170
that we still have many
wonderful years left.
514
00:19:44,172 --> 00:19:45,538
Oh.
515
00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:46,906
Mmm.
516
00:19:46,908 --> 00:19:48,808
(sniffles) I just hope I die
517
00:19:48,810 --> 00:19:52,545
before you so I don't have
to go through this again.
518
00:19:53,948 --> 00:19:57,283
Psst! Psst! Hey, Joanie.
519
00:19:57,285 --> 00:20:00,653
(gasps) Oh! What are you doing in there?!
520
00:20:00,655 --> 00:20:02,688
I just wanted to see what it feels like.
521
00:20:02,690 --> 00:20:05,358
- You're sick! Get out of there.
- Oh,
522
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,293
it feels really good on my back.
523
00:20:07,295 --> 00:20:10,496
Hey, and there's room in
here for you, too. (chuckles)
524
00:20:10,498 --> 00:20:11,530
Is there?
525
00:20:11,532 --> 00:20:12,965
Yeah.
526
00:20:12,967 --> 00:20:15,001
Turn on your side.
527
00:20:15,003 --> 00:20:17,536
(chuckles)
528
00:20:18,339 --> 00:20:20,106
Oh! Oh, honey. (knocking)
529
00:20:20,108 --> 00:20:21,507
- Hey!
- Oh.
530
00:20:21,509 --> 00:20:23,509
- Johnny?
- Hey, there's no air in here!
531
00:20:23,511 --> 00:20:24,844
It's just jammed!
532
00:20:24,846 --> 00:20:27,079
Oh, help! Help!
533
00:20:27,081 --> 00:20:30,383
Joanie, what are you waiting
for? Lift the damn lid.
534
00:20:30,385 --> 00:20:31,059
Go!
535
00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:32,460
Dad, shut up or you're
gonna run out of air!
536
00:20:33,654 --> 00:20:35,621
What is going on?
537
00:20:35,623 --> 00:20:37,089
Their tools weren't working,
so we got to roll him
538
00:20:37,091 --> 00:20:38,724
to the Jiffy Lube across the street.
539
00:20:38,926 --> 00:20:40,993
John: I don't like this.
I don't like it in here.
540
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,409
Hey, watch the corner.
541
00:20:44,548 --> 00:20:47,348
Joan: Hurry, before
there' a dead body in this casket!
542
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,873
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
543
00:20:48,923 --> 00:20:53,473
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