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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,919 --> 00:00:10,453 Woman: I can't believe we finally went out. 2 00:00:10,713 --> 00:00:12,980 I mean, work is gonna be so weird now. 3 00:00:12,982 --> 00:00:14,715 Yeah. I don't care. 4 00:00:14,717 --> 00:00:16,417 (laughter) 5 00:00:17,486 --> 00:00:19,219 You want to come up? 6 00:00:19,221 --> 00:00:20,688 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. 7 00:00:20,690 --> 00:00:22,156 - Yeah, I do. - Let's go. 8 00:00:22,158 --> 00:00:23,724 - Yes. - Right this way. 9 00:00:23,726 --> 00:00:25,225 - Thank you. - Yes. 10 00:00:25,227 --> 00:00:26,160 Come on in. 11 00:00:26,254 --> 00:00:27,287 Okay. 12 00:00:27,289 --> 00:00:29,289 Who's he? 13 00:00:29,291 --> 00:00:31,524 Oh. Chad. 14 00:00:31,526 --> 00:00:33,159 This is Matt. 15 00:00:33,161 --> 00:00:35,962 Matt, this is my ex-fianc� Chad. 16 00:00:35,964 --> 00:00:38,765 Oh. Hey. 17 00:00:38,767 --> 00:00:41,034 - Cool. - Yeah, cool. 18 00:00:41,036 --> 00:00:43,169 (laughter) Matt: All right, well. 19 00:00:43,171 --> 00:00:45,138 Yeah, so... Um, I can leave? I can... 20 00:00:45,140 --> 00:00:47,040 - Oh, no. No, no, don't worry. - No? 21 00:00:47,042 --> 00:00:49,175 Don't. No, no. I, um... I told him this was happening. 22 00:00:49,177 --> 00:00:50,778 - Okay. - Just, I should have told you, too, 23 00:00:50,779 --> 00:00:51,776 but then you wouldn't have come up, 24 00:00:51,777 --> 00:00:54,080 and I really wanted you to. 25 00:00:54,082 --> 00:00:56,650 - I'm gonna get us some drinks, okay? - Yeah. 26 00:00:56,981 --> 00:01:00,053 Would you mind giving us some privacy, please, Chad? 27 00:01:00,055 --> 00:01:02,022 (clears her throat) 28 00:01:03,358 --> 00:01:05,225 (sighs) 29 00:01:05,227 --> 00:01:07,394 Okay, looks like I've got wine or wine. 30 00:01:07,396 --> 00:01:08,695 - And I also have wine. - Yeah. 31 00:01:08,697 --> 00:01:10,296 - Beer sounds good. - Wine it is. 32 00:01:10,298 --> 00:01:13,733 Wow! You guys already got a banter. 33 00:01:13,735 --> 00:01:16,436 I like that. It's real cute. You guys clearly get each other. 34 00:01:16,438 --> 00:01:18,805 I'm sorry, man. I didn't know that you were gonna be here. 35 00:01:18,807 --> 00:01:20,673 Um, what are you doing here? 36 00:01:20,675 --> 00:01:22,575 What am I doing here? I live here. 37 00:01:22,577 --> 00:01:25,045 This is my place, brah. What are you doing here? 38 00:01:25,047 --> 00:01:27,013 Well, you know, Colleen invited me. 39 00:01:27,015 --> 00:01:29,816 You know that's my fianc�e, right? 40 00:01:29,818 --> 00:01:31,317 Think the wedding is off. 41 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:33,286 Mm... not to us, it's not. 42 00:01:33,288 --> 00:01:34,721 Not to Princess and I. 43 00:01:34,723 --> 00:01:38,425 Maybe to her. Not to us, okay? So it's half on. 44 00:01:38,427 --> 00:01:40,527 - Hi. Found a beer. - Oh. 45 00:01:40,529 --> 00:01:42,062 Is that my beer? 46 00:01:42,064 --> 00:01:44,064 What are you still doing here, Chad? Get in your room. 47 00:01:44,066 --> 00:01:45,257 - Get in your room. - That's my beer, though. 48 00:01:45,260 --> 00:01:47,030 Yeah, just go take Princess for a walk, please. 49 00:01:47,031 --> 00:01:47,651 Yeah, she's not in the mood. 50 00:01:47,652 --> 00:01:49,769 - She's too upset by the situation. - Oh, my God. 51 00:01:49,771 --> 00:01:52,172 You drink that, I'm gonna kill you! 52 00:01:52,174 --> 00:01:53,807 What are you doing? Why are you talking like that? 53 00:01:53,809 --> 00:01:55,208 That's how I talk now. 54 00:01:55,210 --> 00:01:56,609 I'm sorry. He's harmless really. 55 00:01:56,611 --> 00:01:58,144 He went to Vassar. 56 00:01:58,146 --> 00:02:02,449 Oh. So, um, why is he still here? 57 00:02:02,451 --> 00:02:05,819 - Um... we bought this place together. - Right. 58 00:02:05,821 --> 00:02:08,054 And because of his IRS troubles, he can't afford to leave. 59 00:02:08,056 --> 00:02:10,090 And I can't afford to buy him out, so... 60 00:02:10,092 --> 00:02:12,492 (mutters) You know, just a few kinks we're working out. 61 00:02:12,494 --> 00:02:13,860 Yeah. (laughs) 62 00:02:13,862 --> 00:02:15,361 Weren't we doing something sexy? 63 00:02:15,363 --> 00:02:17,697 - Yeah. - Mmm. 64 00:02:17,699 --> 00:02:19,966 (moaning) 65 00:02:19,968 --> 00:02:22,802 - Are you sure that it's okay to be doing this here? - You mean Chad? 66 00:02:22,804 --> 00:02:24,737 - Yeah. - Yeah, he can't hear anything in here. 67 00:02:24,739 --> 00:02:26,606 Okay, but, you know, he's looking at us, 68 00:02:26,608 --> 00:02:27,941 and-and he's crying. 69 00:02:27,943 --> 00:02:29,008 (crying) 70 00:02:29,010 --> 00:02:30,376 (Princess whimpers, Chad kisses) 71 00:02:30,378 --> 00:02:31,878 - Want to go to your place? - I'll drive. 72 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,179 Okay. 73 00:02:33,181 --> 00:02:34,514 This is, like, so fancy. 74 00:02:34,516 --> 00:02:37,317 You really buried the lead on this one. 75 00:02:37,319 --> 00:02:38,751 Are you, like, a trust fund baby? 76 00:02:38,753 --> 00:02:40,153 Ah, no, it's not like that. 77 00:02:40,155 --> 00:02:41,521 Hey, can I get you something to drink? 78 00:02:41,523 --> 00:02:43,656 I think we have wine and wine. 79 00:02:43,658 --> 00:02:45,258 - Woman: We're in here, Matt. - Man: Hey, Matt, come here. 80 00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:46,693 You got to see this. 81 00:02:46,695 --> 00:02:48,728 It's that Steven Seagal movie I love. 82 00:02:48,730 --> 00:02:51,331 Not the one where he kills everybody to save the trees, 83 00:02:51,333 --> 00:02:53,700 but the one where he dislocates all their shoulders. 84 00:02:53,702 --> 00:02:55,535 Woman: Ooh! 85 00:02:55,537 --> 00:02:56,936 Hello. Hi. 86 00:02:56,938 --> 00:02:58,271 Honey, Matt has a friend here. 87 00:02:58,273 --> 00:02:59,706 Pause the TV. 88 00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:01,341 - Okay. - (yelling on TV) 89 00:03:01,343 --> 00:03:02,675 Honey, just pause it. 90 00:03:02,677 --> 00:03:05,712 - I'm trying. - Yeah, just pause it, sweetheart. 91 00:03:05,714 --> 00:03:07,847 - Man: How many remotes do we need? - Can you just pause it? 92 00:03:07,849 --> 00:03:09,649 - Whatever happened to knobs? - (volume increases) 93 00:03:09,651 --> 00:03:11,284 - Yeah, pause it. - I can't find the... 94 00:03:11,286 --> 00:03:13,186 - (man yelling on TV) - Oh, pause it! 95 00:03:13,188 --> 00:03:15,522 (loud soundtrack plays on TV) 96 00:03:15,524 --> 00:03:17,524 - Oh. - (TV turns off, laughter) 97 00:03:17,526 --> 00:03:20,860 Thought you guys were gonna be at the Kaufmann bar mitzvah. 98 00:03:20,862 --> 00:03:23,062 Oh, they had to shut the party down early 99 00:03:23,064 --> 00:03:26,099 because little Joshy got overwhelmed by the hypnotist 100 00:03:26,101 --> 00:03:28,668 and spent the whole time in the corner crying. 101 00:03:28,670 --> 00:03:30,270 - Oh, no. - Oh. 102 00:03:30,272 --> 00:03:31,571 You're adorable. 103 00:03:31,573 --> 00:03:33,273 - Oh. - Would you like a scoop 104 00:03:33,275 --> 00:03:34,674 of vanilla ice cream? 105 00:03:34,676 --> 00:03:36,576 I have a scoop every night. 106 00:03:43,018 --> 00:03:45,585 Drive you home? 107 00:03:48,490 --> 00:03:50,223 (moaning) 108 00:03:50,225 --> 00:03:54,594 Oh, this is so hot. All we needed was our own space. 109 00:03:54,596 --> 00:03:56,129 (moaning) 110 00:03:56,131 --> 00:03:58,431 Hmm? You hookers never learn. 111 00:03:58,433 --> 00:03:59,933 Get out the car. 112 00:04:02,441 --> 00:04:03,941 (woman yelps) 113 00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:05,409 Woman: Remember to breathe, Jen. 114 00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:06,911 - (yelling) - You can do this. Bear down now. 115 00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,279 - There you go. - (screaming) 116 00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:09,914 There you go. Good job. Good job. 117 00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,549 - And now give me a really good push. - I can't! 118 00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,150 - A really good push. - MAN: You can. You can do it. 119 00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:14,652 - You can do it, sweetie.You can. - Okay. (groans) 120 00:04:14,654 --> 00:04:15,486 You got it. You can do it. 121 00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:16,987 (screaming) 122 00:04:17,712 --> 00:04:19,145 There you go. Oh. 123 00:04:19,147 --> 00:04:20,513 Oh, I see the baby's head. 124 00:04:20,515 --> 00:04:22,248 - You can see it? - Oh, no. 125 00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:24,984 Ah. Did I poop on the table? 126 00:04:24,986 --> 00:04:26,719 MAN: Um... Oh, my God, 127 00:04:26,721 --> 00:04:28,121 - I did, didn't I? - Ah... 128 00:04:28,123 --> 00:04:29,389 Was it a lot? 129 00:04:29,391 --> 00:04:31,324 - Uh, well, uh... Um... - Say something! 130 00:04:31,326 --> 00:04:33,626 Don't worry, hon. I seen a whole lot worse than that. 131 00:04:33,628 --> 00:04:35,128 It gets worse than that? 132 00:04:35,130 --> 00:04:35,962 Mm-hmm. 133 00:04:35,964 --> 00:04:37,263 (whimpers) 134 00:04:37,265 --> 00:04:38,631 Hello. 135 00:04:38,633 --> 00:04:41,234 All right, Daddy crushed this swaddle. 136 00:04:41,236 --> 00:04:43,703 She's not getting out of this thing till high school. 137 00:04:43,705 --> 00:04:45,605 Oh. Hello. 138 00:04:45,607 --> 00:04:49,809 Oh, our little baby burrito. 139 00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:53,279 Knock, knock. How are you feeling this morning? 140 00:04:53,281 --> 00:04:55,982 Ah... Ah, that couch did a number on my neck. 141 00:04:55,984 --> 00:04:57,617 Ah, well, I've written 142 00:04:57,619 --> 00:04:59,552 a prescription for the pain, and I'm gonna 143 00:04:59,554 --> 00:05:01,721 give you a bunch of these latex gloves. 144 00:05:01,723 --> 00:05:03,022 Your job is to fill them with water 145 00:05:03,024 --> 00:05:04,290 and keep them in the freezer. 146 00:05:04,292 --> 00:05:06,192 Take a frozen glove and 147 00:05:06,194 --> 00:05:07,460 insert a finger for relief. 148 00:05:07,462 --> 00:05:08,861 Oh. 149 00:05:08,863 --> 00:05:10,997 - Let the fun begin. - I'll see you guys 150 00:05:10,999 --> 00:05:13,499 in six weeks, and of course, no sex until then. 151 00:05:13,501 --> 00:05:15,635 I'm sorry. Did we know that? 152 00:05:15,637 --> 00:05:17,070 Oh, slow down. 153 00:05:17,072 --> 00:05:19,739 That tunnel is under construction. 154 00:05:19,741 --> 00:05:21,341 Which reminds me... 155 00:05:21,343 --> 00:05:23,643 until I see you, do not, 156 00:05:23,645 --> 00:05:26,245 no matter what, under any circumstances, 157 00:05:26,247 --> 00:05:28,748 for any reason ever 158 00:05:28,750 --> 00:05:30,683 look down there. 159 00:05:30,685 --> 00:05:32,618 - Okay. - You're gonna want to. 160 00:05:32,620 --> 00:05:34,520 - No, I'm not. Not anymore. - Promise me? 161 00:05:34,522 --> 00:05:35,855 Okay, I promise. I swear to God. 162 00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:37,323 This is supposed to be a happy time. 163 00:05:37,325 --> 00:05:41,260 It is. Oh! Congratulations! 164 00:05:41,262 --> 00:05:43,997 (baby cooing) 165 00:05:43,999 --> 00:05:46,366 (all crying) I'm so happy. 166 00:05:46,368 --> 00:05:48,234 It's incredible. 167 00:05:48,236 --> 00:05:50,937 How is the hospital letting us leave? 168 00:05:50,939 --> 00:05:52,472 I don't know. 169 00:05:52,474 --> 00:05:54,607 I mean, they should lose their license. 170 00:05:54,609 --> 00:05:58,277 Like, I never even held a baby until yesterday. 171 00:05:58,279 --> 00:05:59,979 Slow down! 172 00:05:59,981 --> 00:06:01,347 (horn honking) 173 00:06:01,349 --> 00:06:04,117 Slower! 174 00:06:06,955 --> 00:06:08,588 Piece 36. 175 00:06:08,590 --> 00:06:11,791 Where the hell is piece 36? 176 00:06:11,793 --> 00:06:14,761 Why is there a piece 36? 177 00:06:14,763 --> 00:06:15,995 - (woman screaming) - What?! 178 00:06:15,997 --> 00:06:19,732 Ow! What is it? What? 179 00:06:19,734 --> 00:06:22,402 She's fine. She's totally fine. 180 00:06:22,404 --> 00:06:26,806 What's the problem? I don't... 181 00:06:26,808 --> 00:06:28,641 Oh, God. 182 00:06:28,643 --> 00:06:30,810 No. No, you looked. 183 00:06:30,812 --> 00:06:33,946 Yeah, I looked. I looked down there. 184 00:06:33,948 --> 00:06:36,282 Why would you do that? Why didn't you wait the six weeks? 185 00:06:36,284 --> 00:06:37,650 I couldn't do it. 186 00:06:37,652 --> 00:06:39,285 I mean, if someone hands you a box 187 00:06:39,287 --> 00:06:40,820 and says there's something super crazy inside, 188 00:06:40,822 --> 00:06:42,255 but you're not allowed to look in it, 189 00:06:42,257 --> 00:06:44,223 of course you're going to look in it! 190 00:06:44,225 --> 00:06:46,059 (crying): I looked in my box. 191 00:06:46,061 --> 00:06:47,460 Oh, sweetie, come here. 192 00:06:47,462 --> 00:06:49,195 Come here, come here. It's okay. 193 00:06:49,197 --> 00:06:50,530 Oh, God. (sighs) 194 00:06:50,532 --> 00:06:52,331 Was that bad, huh? 195 00:06:52,333 --> 00:06:54,333 Oh. Do you remember, uh, 196 00:06:54,335 --> 00:06:58,037 when the Predator took off his mask? 197 00:06:58,039 --> 00:07:01,240 I mean, I don't know if we can ever have sex again. 198 00:07:01,242 --> 00:07:04,043 Like... ever! 199 00:07:04,045 --> 00:07:06,012 - Okay. - (exhales loudly) 200 00:07:06,014 --> 00:07:07,780 It's okay. So, uh... so we won't. 201 00:07:07,782 --> 00:07:09,182 Okay. 202 00:07:09,184 --> 00:07:11,551 She's worth it, right? I mean, look at her. 203 00:07:11,553 --> 00:07:13,152 (laughs) 204 00:07:13,154 --> 00:07:14,654 Ever? 205 00:07:14,656 --> 00:07:16,622 Oh, God, I'm in so much pain. 206 00:07:16,624 --> 00:07:18,691 You know what? Hey, let's get the glove. What? 207 00:07:18,693 --> 00:07:20,026 - The glove. The glove. - Go get the glove. 208 00:07:20,028 --> 00:07:21,260 Yes, yes. Go get the glove. 209 00:07:21,262 --> 00:07:22,628 We can do this! 210 00:07:22,630 --> 00:07:24,163 We can save your vagina! 211 00:07:24,165 --> 00:07:25,731 Hurry before it's too late! 212 00:07:25,733 --> 00:07:27,500 Okay! 213 00:07:27,502 --> 00:07:30,536 It's taken me a little longer than I anticipated. 214 00:07:30,538 --> 00:07:32,271 (soft groaning) 215 00:07:33,708 --> 00:07:35,942 - Here you go, sweetie. - What?! Don't give it to me. 216 00:07:35,944 --> 00:07:37,977 I can't go back down there. You do it. 217 00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:39,879 Oh, no. No, no, no, no. 218 00:07:39,881 --> 00:07:42,215 Honey, please. I feel like I've done a lot for us recently. 219 00:07:42,217 --> 00:07:43,716 I need you to do this for me. 220 00:07:43,718 --> 00:07:47,220 Okay, fine. For you. 221 00:07:47,222 --> 00:07:48,988 (groaning) Oh, God. 222 00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:51,057 (groaning) 223 00:07:51,059 --> 00:07:52,725 This is really weird. Oh! 224 00:07:52,727 --> 00:07:54,160 Fine. Just cut me off at the waist 225 00:07:54,162 --> 00:07:55,795 and put me on one of those skateboards. 226 00:07:55,797 --> 00:07:56,863 Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. 227 00:07:56,865 --> 00:07:58,131 - I'll do it, I'll do it. - Okay. 228 00:07:58,133 --> 00:08:00,666 Whoa. Where are you going with that thing?! 229 00:08:00,668 --> 00:08:03,202 Well, I don't know! I can't see where I'm going! You're not looking?! 230 00:08:03,204 --> 00:08:04,704 No, I'm not looking! I don't want to look 231 00:08:04,706 --> 00:08:06,005 if the Predator's down there. 232 00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:09,408 - Oh! Okay, north! - Okay, okay. Yeah? 233 00:08:10,411 --> 00:08:12,245 Uh. 234 00:08:12,247 --> 00:08:14,680 Yeah. 235 00:08:14,682 --> 00:08:17,950 - Yeah? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 236 00:08:17,952 --> 00:08:19,886 Mommy likes that. 237 00:08:19,888 --> 00:08:22,922 Ahoy, captain. (chuckles) 238 00:08:22,924 --> 00:08:24,724 Mmm. 239 00:08:24,726 --> 00:08:26,759 What has happened to our relationship? 240 00:08:26,761 --> 00:08:28,361 (sighs) 241 00:08:29,872 --> 00:08:31,872 �(Trademark)� Called a police and a fireman �(Trademark)� 242 00:08:31,897 --> 00:08:33,064 - �(Trademark)� I'm too hot �(Trademark)� - �(Trademark)� Hot damn... �(Trademark)� 243 00:08:34,257 --> 00:08:35,957 �(Trademark)� Make a dragon wanna retire, man �(Trademark)� 244 00:08:35,958 --> 00:08:37,959 - �(Trademark)� I'm too hot �(Trademark)� - �(Trademark)� Hot damn... �(Trademark)� 245 00:08:38,637 --> 00:08:40,537 �(Trademark)� Say my name, you know who I am �(Trademark)� 246 00:08:40,540 --> 00:08:42,707 - �(Trademark)� I'm too hot �(Trademark)� - �(Trademark)� Hot damn... �(Trademark)� 247 00:08:42,708 --> 00:08:46,109 Your first college visit! Isn't this exciting? 248 00:08:46,111 --> 00:08:47,611 Uh-huh. 249 00:08:47,613 --> 00:08:50,047 Yeah. 250 00:08:50,049 --> 00:08:51,448 - College, buddy. - Where you going?! 251 00:08:51,450 --> 00:08:52,816 This is where it all happens. 252 00:08:52,818 --> 00:08:54,952 Anything you want to ask me? 253 00:08:54,954 --> 00:08:58,188 No. I think I'm good, Dad. 254 00:08:58,190 --> 00:09:00,891 You sure? 'Cause your sister tells me you're a virgin. 255 00:09:00,893 --> 00:09:02,292 What? She doesn't know. 256 00:09:02,294 --> 00:09:03,760 It's okay. 257 00:09:03,762 --> 00:09:05,929 I didn't lose my virginity until college. 258 00:09:05,931 --> 00:09:07,998 I thought I lost it in high school, 259 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,300 but that was disqualified. 260 00:09:10,302 --> 00:09:12,836 How does it get disqualified? 261 00:09:12,838 --> 00:09:15,105 We were on this couch at Uncle Dave's beach house... 262 00:09:15,107 --> 00:09:17,207 Oh, I don't think I want to hear this story. No. 263 00:09:17,209 --> 00:09:19,409 It's time I told someone, and I want that someone to be you. 264 00:09:19,411 --> 00:09:21,144 - So... - No, it doesn't have to be me. 265 00:09:21,146 --> 00:09:23,280 We're on this couch, right, and it starts, 266 00:09:23,282 --> 00:09:25,816 and it is amazing. 267 00:09:25,818 --> 00:09:27,985 I mean, we were both really into it, right? 268 00:09:27,987 --> 00:09:30,287 And she looks me right in the eye, and you know what 269 00:09:30,289 --> 00:09:32,589 she says to me? - "Never tell this to your son"�? 270 00:09:32,591 --> 00:09:34,524 What? No. She says... 271 00:09:34,526 --> 00:09:36,426 "Okay, let's do it."� 272 00:09:36,428 --> 00:09:38,795 And I'm, like, "What? What are you talking about? 273 00:09:38,797 --> 00:09:40,397 We just did it"� 274 00:09:40,399 --> 00:09:42,499 And then I realized... 275 00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:44,501 I was never with her. 276 00:09:44,503 --> 00:09:48,272 I was... with the... 277 00:09:48,274 --> 00:09:50,173 You were with the what? 278 00:09:50,175 --> 00:09:54,745 You know that space between the two cushions of a couch? 279 00:09:56,715 --> 00:09:59,750 You lost your virginity to a couch? 280 00:09:59,752 --> 00:10:01,985 It only occurred to me when I looked down and saw a lint ball 281 00:10:01,987 --> 00:10:04,421 and a nickel stuck to the end of my penis. 282 00:10:04,423 --> 00:10:08,025 I can't believe you're a doctor. 283 00:10:08,027 --> 00:10:09,960 Yes, well, speaking of which, 284 00:10:09,962 --> 00:10:11,895 you make sure you wrap that rascal. 285 00:10:11,897 --> 00:10:15,299 The clap is back. 286 00:10:15,301 --> 00:10:16,700 Don't worry. 287 00:10:16,702 --> 00:10:18,402 I'll take good care of Tyler. 288 00:10:18,404 --> 00:10:20,070 We're gonna spend some time in the library, 289 00:10:20,072 --> 00:10:21,505 grab a healthy meal followed by a prayer meeting. 290 00:10:21,507 --> 00:10:22,973 Then straight to sleepsville. 291 00:10:22,975 --> 00:10:25,242 All right, honey, just promise me 292 00:10:25,244 --> 00:10:26,877 you're gonna make good choices. 293 00:10:26,879 --> 00:10:29,446 - I will. Yeah. - Okay. Oh, you know what, you have a little... 294 00:10:29,448 --> 00:10:30,871 - Mom. Mom. - Right here. It's okay. I got it. 295 00:10:30,872 --> 00:10:31,772 It's gone now. Gone. 296 00:10:31,817 --> 00:10:34,685 - Okay. Made you a sandwich, so you have... - Mom, 297 00:10:34,687 --> 00:10:37,254 are you kidding? - No, it's for you. Just stick it in your pocket 298 00:10:37,256 --> 00:10:39,022 - so you have it for later. I don't care if you eat it. - I don't want it. 299 00:10:39,024 --> 00:10:40,490 - I just want you to take it with you. - I'm not going to. 300 00:10:40,492 --> 00:10:41,825 - Because... - Just take the sandwich so we can 301 00:10:41,827 --> 00:10:43,694 - all get on with our lives. - Mom... 302 00:10:43,696 --> 00:10:45,429 There are cranberries in it, and I want you to have it 303 00:10:45,431 --> 00:10:47,030 in case you need a snack. 304 00:10:47,032 --> 00:10:49,099 Okay. (chuckles) 305 00:10:49,101 --> 00:10:52,502 I love you! 306 00:10:52,504 --> 00:10:55,539 I wish your mom would shove her sandwich in my pants. 307 00:10:55,541 --> 00:10:57,908 Let's talk party options for the night. 308 00:10:58,811 --> 00:11:01,411 So he didn't want the sandwich. 309 00:11:01,413 --> 00:11:04,147 - I would've eaten it. - No, it's not the sandwich. 310 00:11:04,149 --> 00:11:07,017 It's just... Tyler is applying to colleges. 311 00:11:07,019 --> 00:11:09,986 I feel like it was just yesterday he was in diapers. 312 00:11:09,988 --> 00:11:12,756 God, he was so cute. Do you... 313 00:11:12,758 --> 00:11:15,659 You remember how he used to call berries "babies"�? (chuckles) 314 00:11:15,661 --> 00:11:18,562 Like, "straw-babies" and "rasp-babies"� 315 00:11:18,564 --> 00:11:19,700 And "black-babies". 316 00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:21,201 - Screaming for 'em at the restaurant. - Oh, my God. 317 00:11:21,433 --> 00:11:24,801 "Eat black-babies! Eat black-babies! Eat black.."� 318 00:11:24,803 --> 00:11:29,005 Oh. Made that trip to Jamaica one for the record books. 319 00:11:31,610 --> 00:11:36,046 I can't believe you would tell her he isn't real. 320 00:11:36,048 --> 00:11:39,616 - She did it on purpose. - You asked. What am I supposed to do, lie? 321 00:11:39,618 --> 00:11:42,052 Yes! Billions of people lie about it every year! 322 00:11:42,054 --> 00:11:43,887 Well, you told me never to lie. 323 00:11:43,889 --> 00:11:46,990 - Go to your room. - I don't have a room. We're in a hotel. 324 00:11:46,992 --> 00:11:48,425 Go to the bathroom. 325 00:11:48,427 --> 00:11:50,861 But I don't... have to go. 326 00:11:50,863 --> 00:11:52,863 Go into the bathroom now. 327 00:11:52,865 --> 00:11:55,065 Are you kidding me? 328 00:11:57,136 --> 00:12:00,270 (groans) 329 00:12:00,272 --> 00:12:04,941 So, it's this giant conspiracy that everyone is in on but me? 330 00:12:04,943 --> 00:12:07,444 The fact that you know the word "conspiracy"� 331 00:12:07,446 --> 00:12:09,880 makes me think maybe you were ready for the truth. 332 00:12:09,882 --> 00:12:14,284 (sighs) What else has this entire family been lying about? 333 00:12:14,286 --> 00:12:16,920 - Like, is the Easter B... - Made-up. 334 00:12:16,922 --> 00:12:18,522 - What about the Too... - Made-up. 335 00:12:18,524 --> 00:12:20,824 - (scoffs) - All made-up. Everything. 336 00:12:20,826 --> 00:12:23,660 Even God? 337 00:12:23,662 --> 00:12:26,363 That's real. 338 00:12:26,365 --> 00:12:29,866 (sighs) Up is down and down is up for me right now. 339 00:12:29,868 --> 00:12:31,802 I need some time alone. 340 00:12:31,804 --> 00:12:34,104 Okay. I... I think the closet is still available. 341 00:12:34,106 --> 00:12:36,072 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 342 00:12:36,074 --> 00:12:39,943 And you have some serious trust to rebuild here. 343 00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:42,579 (quietly): How could she be so smart and not have figured it out yet? 344 00:12:42,581 --> 00:12:46,049 Because, Tim, she is a sweet, innocent child. 345 00:12:46,051 --> 00:12:48,652 Or she was. Our last baby. 346 00:12:48,654 --> 00:12:50,487 I mean, first Tyler and now this. 347 00:12:50,489 --> 00:12:52,756 I just don't know how much more I can take. 348 00:12:52,758 --> 00:12:57,427 Mom, I think I got my period. 349 00:12:57,429 --> 00:12:59,062 Oh, my God. 350 00:12:59,064 --> 00:13:01,998 Congratulations. 351 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,900 What do you mean you don't know how to get ice? You just push 352 00:13:03,902 --> 00:13:05,936 the giant button that says "Ice"� and the ice... 353 00:13:05,938 --> 00:13:07,904 Whoa. What are you... Mmm. 354 00:13:07,906 --> 00:13:11,174 Oh. I want to have another baby. 355 00:13:11,176 --> 00:13:13,410 - What, here? - Hurry up. Let's do it now 356 00:13:13,412 --> 00:13:15,123 before the kids wake up and then they wonder where we are. 357 00:13:15,124 --> 00:13:16,270 I don't know if we should be having another kid 358 00:13:16,275 --> 00:13:18,949 if we're hiding from the ones we already have. 359 00:13:18,951 --> 00:13:20,116 No, our fourth one will be different. 360 00:13:20,118 --> 00:13:21,384 This'll be our special baby. 361 00:13:21,386 --> 00:13:24,321 We will finally get everything right. 362 00:13:24,323 --> 00:13:27,257 Mmm. Oh, God, you're making a lot of sense right now. Yeah. 363 00:13:27,259 --> 00:13:29,626 You know what, what are the odds we mess up four in a row, right? 364 00:13:29,628 --> 00:13:32,095 - Right? - Let's do this. It can still work, right? 365 00:13:35,601 --> 00:13:37,968 I tell you I want to have a baby with you, 366 00:13:37,970 --> 00:13:40,203 and then you call me old. 367 00:13:40,205 --> 00:13:41,571 No, that was a practical question. 368 00:13:41,573 --> 00:13:43,907 I would never call you old. I'm old. 369 00:13:43,909 --> 00:13:46,843 We're the same age. You have to know 370 00:13:46,845 --> 00:13:49,713 how I'm going to react if you say something like that to me. 371 00:13:49,715 --> 00:13:52,148 No, you see, that's just it. I don't know. Because I don't know what I'm saying. 372 00:13:52,150 --> 00:13:54,618 Nine times out of ten, I don't think. I just speak. 373 00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:56,353 So when I ask can it still work, 374 00:13:56,355 --> 00:13:58,822 I just want to know if we're playing with live bullets. 375 00:13:58,824 --> 00:14:01,057 Well, you're the bullet, so you tell me. 376 00:14:01,059 --> 00:14:03,193 - Oh, my bullets are live. - Yeah? 377 00:14:03,195 --> 00:14:07,831 Yeah. I just want to know if the target is... 378 00:14:07,833 --> 00:14:09,566 fresh. 379 00:14:09,568 --> 00:14:13,470 So right there, were you... thinking or just speaking again? 380 00:14:13,472 --> 00:14:17,440 I thought I was thinking but, turns out, I just spoke. 381 00:14:17,442 --> 00:14:18,542 Yeah. 382 00:14:18,544 --> 00:14:19,876 - Come on. - No. 383 00:14:19,878 --> 00:14:21,778 I think I'm good. I'm... I'm... 384 00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:24,114 Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. 385 00:14:24,116 --> 00:14:26,516 (sighs) Heather. 386 00:14:26,518 --> 00:14:28,285 Do you still want the ice? 387 00:14:28,287 --> 00:14:30,053 (groans) Geez. 388 00:14:31,290 --> 00:14:32,656 (knocking) 389 00:14:32,658 --> 00:14:35,292 Rise and shine, High School. 390 00:14:35,294 --> 00:14:38,228 Your parental units are here. 391 00:14:40,999 --> 00:14:45,669 �(Trademark)� Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon �(Trademark)� 392 00:14:45,671 --> 00:14:47,571 So, how was it? 393 00:14:47,573 --> 00:14:49,472 �(Trademark)� You come and go �(Trademark)� 394 00:14:49,474 --> 00:14:52,008 - (retching) - (others groaning) 395 00:14:52,010 --> 00:14:55,111 �(Trademark)� If your colors were like my dream �(Trademark)� 396 00:14:55,113 --> 00:14:59,049 You ate your sandwich. 397 00:14:59,051 --> 00:15:00,517 That's classic. 398 00:15:02,349 --> 00:15:04,483 (organ playing) 399 00:15:06,503 --> 00:15:07,768 Kids, 400 00:15:07,770 --> 00:15:10,271 I just want you to know 401 00:15:10,273 --> 00:15:12,006 that it's okay that you're not crying. 402 00:15:12,008 --> 00:15:15,810 'Cause we each grieve over your father's... death 403 00:15:15,812 --> 00:15:17,879 in different ways. 404 00:15:17,881 --> 00:15:20,114 Yeah. Putting on quite a show, huh, Mom? 405 00:15:20,116 --> 00:15:21,582 Yeah, how are we supposed to act? 406 00:15:21,584 --> 00:15:23,484 I've never been to one of these before. 407 00:15:23,486 --> 00:15:24,652 It's gonna be okay. 408 00:15:24,654 --> 00:15:26,654 That's how you act. 409 00:15:26,656 --> 00:15:30,925 Thank you, sweetie. Your father would be proud of you. 410 00:15:30,927 --> 00:15:32,960 Oh, here he is now. 411 00:15:32,962 --> 00:15:34,829 (fanfare) 412 00:15:34,831 --> 00:15:36,831 - Are we supposed to clap? - Hello 413 00:15:36,833 --> 00:15:39,367 and thank you all for coming to my funeral. 414 00:15:39,369 --> 00:15:40,535 Is this a cool 415 00:15:40,537 --> 00:15:43,104 70th birthday party or what? 416 00:15:43,106 --> 00:15:45,139 - (scattered chuckles) - I actually thought of it 417 00:15:45,141 --> 00:15:48,042 after going to my dear friend Chuck's funeral, 418 00:15:48,044 --> 00:15:50,745 and I thought, "Wouldn't he be tickled 419 00:15:50,747 --> 00:15:55,349 to hear everybody's kind words"�. So I said to Joanie, 420 00:15:55,351 --> 00:15:57,552 "I don't want to miss that. Let's just do this 421 00:15:57,554 --> 00:16:00,254 while I'm still here to enjoy it."� And, besides, 422 00:16:00,256 --> 00:16:04,625 this is a... a terrific opportunity to bring my busy family together 423 00:16:04,627 --> 00:16:06,060 with everyone's lives 424 00:16:06,062 --> 00:16:07,562 moving so fast. 425 00:16:07,564 --> 00:16:09,630 My grandson, Tyler, 426 00:16:09,632 --> 00:16:11,432 he's applying for college. 427 00:16:11,434 --> 00:16:14,835 His sister, Samantha, she just had her first period. 428 00:16:14,837 --> 00:16:16,237 And my son, Greg, 429 00:16:16,239 --> 00:16:19,006 had our fourth grandchild 430 00:16:19,008 --> 00:16:22,343 with, uh... his wife. 431 00:16:22,345 --> 00:16:24,212 - Your dad just forgot my name again. - No, he didn't. 432 00:16:24,214 --> 00:16:26,547 His... wonderful wife. 433 00:16:26,549 --> 00:16:29,584 It's cool. I've only been a part of this family for five years. 434 00:16:29,586 --> 00:16:30,518 There she is. 435 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:33,487 - Hey. (chuckles) - So, enough of my yakking. 436 00:16:33,489 --> 00:16:36,457 Let's get on with the eulogies, huh? Cheers. 437 00:16:36,459 --> 00:16:38,025 (applause) (slurping) 438 00:16:38,027 --> 00:16:40,428 "Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods, 439 00:16:40,430 --> 00:16:41,662 For nothing now 440 00:16:41,664 --> 00:16:43,464 can ever come 441 00:16:43,466 --> 00:16:45,132 to any good."� 442 00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,535 - Thank you. - (applause) 443 00:16:47,537 --> 00:16:50,304 Honey, did you write that? 444 00:16:50,306 --> 00:16:52,440 That should be published. 445 00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:54,377 Thanks, Mom. (chuckles) 446 00:16:54,379 --> 00:16:56,012 Stole that from Four Weddings and a Funeral. 447 00:16:56,014 --> 00:16:57,714 Who stole it from W. H. Auden. 448 00:16:57,716 --> 00:17:00,484 So technically I didn't steal it. I just performed it. 449 00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:03,620 Okay, Dad, um, I love you, 450 00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:05,455 and, um, yeah, I... I miss you. 451 00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:07,057 Stop talking to me. 452 00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:08,825 But I'm not talking to you. 453 00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:10,460 I'm... I'm talking to you 454 00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:12,529 like you were in heaven. You stop talking to me. 455 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,797 Well, whatever you're doing, 456 00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,465 it's... it's not good. 457 00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:17,167 It takes everybody out of this. 458 00:17:17,169 --> 00:17:19,202 You don't think that you sitting there 459 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:22,372 is taking people out of this? 460 00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:24,574 - May I continue? - Well, it depends 461 00:17:24,576 --> 00:17:26,910 on what you're gonna say. I mean, obviously, 462 00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:28,778 - you didn't come here very prepared. - Okay. Okay. 463 00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:31,181 Great. 464 00:17:32,584 --> 00:17:33,984 Next! 465 00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:36,820 �(Trademark)� And it seems to me �(Trademark)� 466 00:17:36,822 --> 00:17:38,455 �(Trademark)� You lived your life �(Trademark)� 467 00:17:38,457 --> 00:17:40,857 �(Trademark)� Like a candle in the wind �(Trademark)� 468 00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:44,094 �(Trademark)� Never knowing who to cling to �(Trademark)� 469 00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:46,596 �(Trademark)� When the rain set in �(Trademark)� 470 00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:48,098 (snores) Samantha: �(Trademark)� And I would have liked �(Trademark)� 471 00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,566 - �(Trademark)� To have known you �(Trademark)� - (clears throat) 472 00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,568 - �(Trademark)� But I was just a kid �(Trademark)� - �(Trademark)� Ooh... �(Trademark)� 473 00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:54,771 �(Trademark)� Your candle burned out �(Trademark)� 474 00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:57,140 �(Trademark)� Long before �(Trademark)� 475 00:17:57,142 --> 00:18:01,578 �(Trademark)� Your legend ever did. �(Trademark)� 476 00:18:04,205 --> 00:18:07,206 What can I say about this man 477 00:18:07,208 --> 00:18:11,944 that I have cherished for 49 years? 478 00:18:11,946 --> 00:18:14,247 I just love him. 479 00:18:14,249 --> 00:18:17,350 I'm sorry. 480 00:18:17,352 --> 00:18:19,100 Easy on the waterworks, Joanie. 481 00:18:19,101 --> 00:18:20,101 - They get it, honey. - No. 482 00:18:20,154 --> 00:18:24,257 This is real, you son of a bitch. 483 00:18:24,259 --> 00:18:26,525 I mean, not this, not this. But that? 484 00:18:26,527 --> 00:18:29,195 That's real. And someday I'm gonna be standing up here, 485 00:18:29,197 --> 00:18:31,464 and you're not gonna be saying 486 00:18:31,466 --> 00:18:35,134 "Easy on the waterworks,"� are you? 487 00:18:35,136 --> 00:18:37,436 Oh, I'm so sorry. 488 00:18:37,438 --> 00:18:38,771 It's just so ridiculous, 489 00:18:38,773 --> 00:18:41,641 this whole thing! 490 00:18:41,643 --> 00:18:44,744 Jerky idea. Jerk! 491 00:18:44,746 --> 00:18:46,579 (murmuring) 492 00:18:48,683 --> 00:18:51,817 - (tooting) - No. It's clear we are not doing that. 493 00:18:51,819 --> 00:18:53,219 Ow. 494 00:18:53,221 --> 00:18:56,088 Heather: Mom, are you okay? You guys all right? 495 00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:59,158 Hey, uh, I'd like to apologize. 496 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,761 This was a terrible idea. 497 00:19:01,763 --> 00:19:05,998 You kept asking why don't more people do this. 498 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,400 This is why. 499 00:19:07,402 --> 00:19:09,769 I don't want to die. 500 00:19:09,771 --> 00:19:12,271 Who said anything about you dying? 501 00:19:12,273 --> 00:19:13,940 Everyone. Were you not listening? 502 00:19:13,942 --> 00:19:16,108 Look, what you kids don't get 503 00:19:16,110 --> 00:19:17,777 is life is about these moments, 504 00:19:17,779 --> 00:19:19,845 these pieces of time, 505 00:19:19,847 --> 00:19:22,715 these slices of life that flash by, 506 00:19:22,717 --> 00:19:26,018 but they stay in your heart forever. 507 00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:28,788 But I'm running out of moments. 508 00:19:28,790 --> 00:19:32,458 - How many more do I get? - Oh, honey. No. 509 00:19:32,460 --> 00:19:34,860 We still have plenty of time left. 510 00:19:34,862 --> 00:19:37,663 70 is the new 80. 511 00:19:37,665 --> 00:19:39,265 You mean the new 60. 512 00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:40,700 Whatever. The point is 513 00:19:40,702 --> 00:19:44,170 that we still have many wonderful years left. 514 00:19:44,172 --> 00:19:45,538 Oh. 515 00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:46,906 Mmm. 516 00:19:46,908 --> 00:19:48,808 (sniffles) I just hope I die 517 00:19:48,810 --> 00:19:52,545 before you so I don't have to go through this again. 518 00:19:53,948 --> 00:19:57,283 Psst! Psst! Hey, Joanie. 519 00:19:57,285 --> 00:20:00,653 (gasps) Oh! What are you doing in there?! 520 00:20:00,655 --> 00:20:02,688 I just wanted to see what it feels like. 521 00:20:02,690 --> 00:20:05,358 - You're sick! Get out of there. - Oh, 522 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,293 it feels really good on my back. 523 00:20:07,295 --> 00:20:10,496 Hey, and there's room in here for you, too. (chuckles) 524 00:20:10,498 --> 00:20:11,530 Is there? 525 00:20:11,532 --> 00:20:12,965 Yeah. 526 00:20:12,967 --> 00:20:15,001 Turn on your side. 527 00:20:15,003 --> 00:20:17,536 (chuckles) 528 00:20:18,339 --> 00:20:20,106 Oh! Oh, honey. (knocking) 529 00:20:20,108 --> 00:20:21,507 - Hey! - Oh. 530 00:20:21,509 --> 00:20:23,509 - Johnny? - Hey, there's no air in here! 531 00:20:23,511 --> 00:20:24,844 It's just jammed! 532 00:20:24,846 --> 00:20:27,079 Oh, help! Help! 533 00:20:27,081 --> 00:20:30,383 Joanie, what are you waiting for? Lift the damn lid. 534 00:20:30,385 --> 00:20:31,059 Go! 535 00:20:31,060 --> 00:20:32,460 Dad, shut up or you're gonna run out of air! 536 00:20:33,654 --> 00:20:35,621 What is going on? 537 00:20:35,623 --> 00:20:37,089 Their tools weren't working, so we got to roll him 538 00:20:37,091 --> 00:20:38,724 to the Jiffy Lube across the street. 539 00:20:38,926 --> 00:20:40,993 John: I don't like this. I don't like it in here. 540 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,409 Hey, watch the corner. 541 00:20:44,548 --> 00:20:47,348 Joan: Hurry, before there' a dead body in this casket! 542 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,873 Synced and corrected by Octavia - www.addic7ed.com - 543 00:20:48,923 --> 00:20:53,473 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39991

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