All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia s09e07 The Gang Gets Quarantined.eng

ALL:
Motownphilly's back
again

DEE:
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da

Boyz II Men going off...

DENNIS:
Back in school
We used to dream about this

Every day

Or do dreams just fade away?

stop, stop.
God, guys, damn it.

I mean, you know, I need a
little... (sighs)

a little buoyancy in the
harmonies.

I mean, listen to the lyrics.
Right? "Not too hard...

not too soft."
You were coming in pretty

hard, I would say.
The lead's got to cut

through, Dee.
CHARLIE: I don't know, man.

I thought we sounded pretty
good.

Oh, we sounded "pretty good."
Oh, hi, super group Boyz II Men,

please let us win your contest.
We sound, eh, pretty good.

Come on, man.
If we're gonna open for Boyz II

Men at the Boyz II Men concert,
we need to dazzle them with our

harmonies.
Mmm...

Okay.
FRANK: He's dead.

Rodriguez is dead.
Frank, will you get out of

here?
We're in the middle of Boyz II

Men rehearsal.
Well, hold on a second.

I'll bite-- who's Rodriguez?
That sweet old man from our

building.
This is the worst flu that

Philly has ever seen.
Wow.

We have to quarantine
ourselves.

What?
MAC: Frank, we're not gonna

die of the flu because we're
young and vital.

You are old and feeble.
Actually, Frank does bring up

a good point.
We can't afford to get sick

right now.
'Cause you know what you can't

do when you get the flu?
Sing?

Sing.
Sing.

Yeah, I mean, I was gonna...
You wanted to say it?

Yeah, but I wanted to say it.
Oh, shit, well, I'm sorry,

man.
Uh, do you want to ask it

again, or...?
Ask us again.

Uh, you know what you can't
do when you get...?

Nah, forget it, it's fine.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Quarantine, baby!

All right, this
is gonna be good.

Everybody find a spot to put

your sleeping bags and
we'll be all set.

All right, Frank,
where we at, my man?

Well, right there.

You know, you don't
have to sleep together.

It's a comfort thing.

Guys, I got to say, I'm

excited to play quarantine.

Oh, my God, for the last

time, we're not playing

quarantine, this
is a quarantine.

Huh?

I'm gonna get so blacked out.
Yeah!

What are you talking about?
Mac, do you want to lose this

singing contest?
Why do you think we're

quarantining ourselves in the
first place?

To protect my life!
No, to preserve our vocal

cords, okay?
Which also means no alcohol,

guys.
Come on, dude!

That's crazy.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,

that's a good idea.
Because alcohol lowers your

immune system.
Well, why the hell are we

quarantining ourselves in a bar,
if we can't drink?

We got to drink.
Yes, hi, I'd like to order

two pepperonis, one combo and
breadsticks, like, a shitload of

breadsticks...
(Frank grunting)

Hey!
You can't do that.

This is a quarantine.
Nothing goes out, nothing comes

in.
Especially a pizza guy.

Going house to house, handling
money, banging lonely broads.

They're filthy!
All right, come on, listen.

I'm gonna take all your cell
phones.

You lost your privileges.
Thanks a lot, Dee.

It's just until the vaccine
is replenished.

He does make a good point,
you know?

Vaccines really do work.
My mom used to vaccinate me,

like, every month, and I never
got sick.

The reason you didn't get
sick was because you and your

mom would wear those ridiculous
bubble boy suits during the flu

season.
Okay, what are we gonna do in

here if we can't eat pizza or
drink beer?

Well, I'll tell you exactly
what we're gonna do.

ALL: Practice.
Come on, man, you know, like,

just let me do it.
Like, why do you keep

doing that?
Why do you guys keep stealing

that from me?

ALL:
Dum-dum-dum-da-da
Dum-dum-dum-da-da

Die-ya-ya-yada
Da-da-da-ah-oh.

Yes!
That was good.

That sounded... that's harmony.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was terrible, let's try it
again, let's try, let's do it

it again.
We've been working this

forever.
I think it's fine for now.

Yeah.
You think fine is good enough

for the Boyz II the Men?
Ah, calm down.

Okay, guys, I think we're
focusing a little too much on

the singing and not enough on
the showmanship.

You know, maybe we should
work out a couple of sweet dance

moves, you know?
What is that? Yeah.

Like, that we could all do in
unison.

Or maybe we could wear the same
outfit!

Okay, yes!
We'll create a visual harmony,

same outfit, good.
Oh, you guys, you guys, if we

want to stand out, you know what
we got to do?

We got to focus on our story.
Yes!

Those competitions are all
about how singing helped you

overcome some major obstacle,
you know?

So I'll do, like, a stutter, and
I'll say I got it from-from

watching, like, a friend get
blown to bits in Iraq.

Ooh, ooh, you know what?
And do it with a Southern accent

and talk about Jesus a lot.
Yeah!

Good, good, okay, so we'll
be, like, a group of, like,

Southern, stuttering army vets
with, like, a religious bend.

Mm-hmm.
Okay, and then we'll all be

in the same outfit.
Oh, we should be, like,

carnies.
We're gonna be carnies.

Religious stuttering army
carnies.

Who love Jesus.
And watched our friends

explode on stage.
And have pearls and sing...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey!

It's great, no?
Hey.

No.
Absolutely not.

Are you kidding me?
What?

What?
It's a singing competition.

So can we please work on our
harmonies?

And not talk about dressing like
army carnies?

But then maybe one of us
can be a...

One, two, three.
(banging in distance)

Goddamn it! Come out here!
Come on out here.

What? What? What?
What is your problem?

This.
I found it in the back office

in the garbage.
It's still warm.

This whole quarantine has been
compromised.

What... me?!
Come on... come on.

Why would I do it?
You guys would suspect me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a
recent delivery you made to

Paddy's Pub.
I'll get to the bottom of

this.
Yeah, all right, well, what was

the name on the order?
(Dennis chuckling)

Spider-Man.
That's very clever, yeah,

yeah, yeah.
Dennis, ask him how it's

possible for him to talk to you
through a cut phone wire.

How is it possible for you to
talk to me through a cut ph...

(Dennis stammers)
I cut it when I found the

pizza.
Holy shit.

Dennis is Spider-Man.
No... no one is Spider-Man.

Fine, yeah, oh, yeah, it was
me, the evil villain with the

perfect voice who ordered the
pizza, but, guys, you don't have

to worry about me, all right?
I can fight off whatever stupid

illness this pizza may or may
not have had, all right?

I'm in perfect control of my
body.

Just like I am with my voice.
I-I-I can go from flaccid to

erect at a moment's notice.
He can, I've seen it.

Buddy, you're seeing it.
You're all seeing it.

'Cause I'm doing it right now.
Flaccid, erect.

Flaccid, erect.
Flaccid, erect.

Not too hard, not too soft.

Come on, what are you doing?!
You're gonna quarantine me

inside a quarantine, really?
Aw, sh...

Now, this is the look that I
was talking about.

You got the bow ties and the
ball caps.

It's casual formal.
Yeah, right, right, right.

Like, are they bat boys or are
they butlers?

You don't know, but it's like a
sweet look.

DENNIS:
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma
- ma-ma-ma.

What is he doing?
Oh, I'm just warming up my

voice a little bit.
You guys should, uh, keep warm.

Stay warm.
Oh, my God, I'm loving him

in the bathroom.
Me, too.

I mean, it's great.
Now, I did a little sketch

of the outfit myself.
And I wasn't quite sure what

you were going for.
Like, if we were all each gonna

be a body part, or if you wanted
us mashed in this thing

side-by-side somehow?
What are you talking about?

Well, you said that we're all
in the same outfit, right?

So I'm trying to figure, like,
who goes where.

"Same" as in "matching,"
not same as in jammed into

the same set of clothing.
Okay, not sure that's

as good, 'cause this really
makes a splash with the crowd.

Dee, what do you think
about all this?

(hick accent): D-D-D-Don't-
Don't put me on the spot.

I-I'm just, I-I-I'm just a
Jesus-loving e-e-ex-marine.

That's really good.
I mean, so, so sad.

It's supposed to be sad.
It's supposed to guilt them

into voting for us, you know.
(hick accent): That's not all.

This Bible's a Bible of my
daddy who just di-di-died

in my-my arms of-of throat
cancer, from-from eating

some-some-some bad pussy.
Hmm. Hmm.

You just earned you spot at
the head of the suit, Dee.

That was really good.
That was good.

Frank, what the hell
are you doing, dude?

I'm getting rid of all this
contaminated crap!

Now, come on, you're going
crazy with this food

thing, Frank.
We need to eat.

We need to eat, but we only
eat protected food from now on.

Like, oranges and coconuts
and snow crab.

No! No snow crabs!
The shells could lacerate

your throats.
Absolutely not.

Okay, well, someone's gonna
have to go out and get this

food, so I'll do it.
No, no, no!

You can go out together.
You can't go out alone.

In case one of you get sneezed
on, the other one can

report back.
Frank, tell you what.

Mac and I will go out.
And I guarantee we won't

get sneezed on.
All right, dude, first things

first.
Let's get some beer, man.

You know, screw Dennis
and his rules.

The guy's, like, you know,
such a dick about shit.

Yeah, dude, he can be
so controlling, you know?

He can do really cool stuff
with his dick, though.

You gotta ease up on talking
about dicks, man.

Like, it's just, it's too much
by this point.

You think? Oh, wait a second.
There's no, there's no

opening to this.
Shit, I'm sorry, dude.

I forgot, there's no opening
in yours.

But my mom rigged hers with a
special pouch so that she could

have her cocktails.
See? It fills up.

Your mom rigged her suit so
she could drink booze?

Dude, you mom's an alcoholic.
My mom's not an alcoholic!

No, bro! She is, but it's
totally cool, because it skips

a generation.
That's why you're not

an alcoholic.
(woman coughs, Mac gasps)

That's not good right
there, man!

There's too many bogeys!
Let's get some fruit,

let's get out of here,
let's get back

to the quarantine.
That's right, man.

Let's get out of here.
Whoa! Stop!

What is this? I love it!
Huh?

What was all this?
Oh, it's just a little

dance move I've been working on.
It's stupid.

I was just practicing.
No, man, that's sweet

as hell.
Show me that shit.

You like it?
Yeah!

It sort of like a Fly Girl
power spin.

I've been working on it.
It's a...

You want to see the whole thing?
It's sort of a...

Whoo! (grunts)
Oh, shit, you all right?

It's a balance thing.
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

You got a breach!
Oh, shit!

Come on.
Hey! Close your pit!

Close your pit!
Don't tell Frank.

I won't tell Frank.
Hold your arm.

Don't tell Frank.
Hold your breath. Go! Move!

Charlie, don't tell Frank!

Look at all the hair.
Look at the hair.

It's like a goddamn
barber shop.

Be on the lookout, Deandra!
Yeah, copy that.

Looking for hair.
Stop talking about hair,

please.
It's very annoying to me.

That's what carries
the disease, Dennis-- the hair.

We don't really need it.
Look at us.

We're evolving without it.
We came from the apes,

and look at us now.
One day, we'll be completely

hairless and totally pure.
Yeah, you should write

that down.

What are you doing?
Cleaning, cleaning.

You know, you said scrub
the place from top to bottom.

And it was a good thing that I
did, too, because I'll tell

you what.
Mad dusty up there.

Yeah, good-good...
good thinking.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Were you eating pizza
and drinking beer up there?

Yes, Frank, I was eating and
drinking in a ceiling.

I mean, will you use your head?
No, I'm getting a little

stir crazy.
Yeah.

That's-that's...
Yeah, it's driving you nuts.

Driving me nuts.
I get it.

Right.
One more thing.

Hmm?

That's not mine.
(Frank growls)

Hey, Frank, are you kidding me?
Goddamn it, it's just one beer!

Oh!
It only takes one germ, Dee.

Oh, Jesus!
Of course, how anybody thinks

that a germ could survive
a scalding hot pizza

is beyond me.
(coughs)

Oh, Dennis, you don't
look good.

Trust me, Dee, if I found
myself getting sick, I would

simply say...
"Sickness be gone!"

(Dennis groans)
(Dee shrieks)

It's all here, you know:
oranges, hand sanitizer,

basically everything.
No snow crabs, you know.

Hey, where's Dee?
Quarantined.

There was a breach.
No breaches on your end, right?

No.
No, no breaches.

Yeah. Everything's cool.
No, no, breaches.

Yeah, everything was cool.
Yeah, everything was good.

Good. I'm gonna go shave.
Get all this filthy hair

off my face.
Oh.

Then when I come back,
we'll play some games so nobody

goes nuts or nothing.
(humming)

Uh, movie, movie.
Okay, movie.

Two, three, four, five words.
Doesn't matter?

Ocean's Eleven.

Ocean's Twelve!
Ocean's Thirteen!

Frank, I can't concentrate
when you look like this.

You look ridiculous, man.
It was What's Eating

Gilbert Grape?
That's where all the bacteria

lies, Charlie, in your hair.
That's why I shaved it off.

Now it just flows off my body.
You should do the same, mm-hmm.

(Mac sneezes)
He breached! He breached!

His suit ripped in the store!
He tried to do, like a power

spin, and it ripped.
And he probably got sick!

That's not true! Oh, you rat!
This is bullshit!

This is bullshit!
I feel fine.

(door closes)
You should stand over there

'cause I think I'm really
getting the flu.

Oh, I'm-I'm sick as a dog
already.

Oh, if you guys are getting
sick, then stay away from me.

Holy shit, dude!
I think we need to call 911 for

you.
Hey, should we work on our

harmonies?
Seriously, dude?

think we need to get you to a
hospital.

(singing high-pitched note)

Does that sound like a man
who needs to be in a hospital?

Yeah, dude.
From the top.

(weakly):
Motown...
Motownphilly...

(Dennis retches)
(Dennis vomiting)

(Mac retches)
(Dee retches)

(all vomiting)

(Charlie chewing)
Charlie?

Charlie, look at that.
Look how clean I am.

Dude, you look like a
shriveled raisin.

It's all about purity, Charlie.

Humans are filthy.
Dirty filthy.

All right, man.
You got to mix in with

beasts...
fowl, rodents.

People do what they do, man.
What am I gonna do about it?

When I get out of here,
I'm gonna clean Philadelphia.

Good.
A giant cleanse.

Well, good luck with that.
Not the city...

the population.
Okay, well...

go for it.

I can't stop shaking.
It's so hot and also so cold.

What's up, what's up?
Talking hot and cold?

Mm-hmm.
Charlie, are you sick, too?

Hmm, sick?
Nah, Frank's all trying to

shave me and shit.
I'm like, "Dude, no way."

So, I figured I'd hang out with
you guys instead, you know?

We're very sick, we have the
flu.

If you, if you stay in here,
you're gonna get sick.

Good, he deserves it for
ratting me out.

Please, Mac, I've been
vaccinated for every disease in

the book.
I'm gonna be just fine.

(Charlie retching)
Oh, God.

That's a lot of throw up.
This flu is so brutal.

(Dennis coughs)
Hey, guys?

I think I might be coming down
with something, too.

Are you kidding me, dude?
Like, I think you're gonna die.

I think I'm gonna die.
I've never felt like this before

in my life.
If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna

go down drinking.
Anyone want some booze?

I knew you drank cleaning
supplies.

Oh, no, dude, this is booze.
I stash whiskey in here.

Dude, you are an alcoholic.
Whatever.

Dee stashes warm beer in the
ceiling of the back office.

I keep a flask of cr?me de
menthe behind the jukebox in the

bar, it's not a big deal.
Just drink, you know, because

this might be our last chance.
Bottoms up.

(Dee groans, gulps)

I'm not getting it.
So you crawl around on the bed,

looking for minerals?
Uh, no.

If I'm looking for minerals,
I got to be under the bed.

Minerals on top of the bed
doesn't make any sense,

actually.
None of this makes any sense.

It's insane.
You know, I don't know about

you guys, and I don't know why
this is happening, but I

actually feel a lot better.
Well, you look better.

You guys all look better.
I'm actually feeling better,

too.
I feel great.

Yeah.
How is that even possible?

All we've been doing is sitting
here and drinking.

How could we have gotten better
so quickly?

Oh, my God, you guys.
You guys, we haven't been

drinking since we quarantined
ourselves into the bar.

At least since we got stuck
in the bathroom.

Oh, that's right.
Wait, wait, wait, so what are

you saying?
That-that we never had the flu?

We were just having alcohol
withdrawal?

Yeah.
Alcohol withdrawals!

That's great!
Is it great? It means

we're all alcoholics.
MAC & CHARLIE: Ah...

Yeah, yeah... right.
What do we do with that

information?
What do you do with

any information?
You just stuff it deep down

inside and keep an eye on it.
You keep it.

I'm certainly not gonna
stop drinking.

I mean, I physically can't.
No, no, not at this point.

We're in, we're in too deep.
Yeah.

I'm a, I'm a young guy.
Just kids having fun, right?

That's right.
We got an audition to make.

So let's bust this door
down, Mac.

What do you say, you want
to roundhouse the door for us?

I was gonna suggest that.
Yeah, I know you were, buddy.

That's why I said it.
Just do it and get it over with.

Okay.
Hold on, hold on, though.

If we don't want to break the
door, I have a key.

You've got a key?!
We've been in here this whole

time, and you could've
let us out?!

I didn't know that we were
trapped in here.

I thought we were just
playing quarantine.

What the...?!
No, we're not playing

quarantine.
We're quarantined.

Let's go.
Just open the door.

Yo, Frank! We're not sick.
Yeah, we're fine, dude. We...

Whoa. What the hell is this?
Oh, shit, I think

it's hand sanitizer.
Hmm?

Hand sanitizer?
Where is it going?

Frank?
Uh, why is there hand sanitizer

all over the floor?
It goes in here and...

Oh!
Frank?

Oh, my God!
What the hell did you do

to yourself?
I just want to be pure.

God, what are we gonna
do about this?

Probably get him to the
hospital, right?

Yeah. Ooh, let's make
a quick stop first.

Boyz II Men going off

Mm-hmm.
So, what do you think?

In your professional opinion,
you think we got a shot?

I mean, we're talking about
Boyz II Men here.

We want to go and we want
to win.

Yeah.
Boyz II Men?

That concert is canceled.
What? Why?

Yeah, yeah, they all got
the flu.

Oh, son of a bitch!
So we did this for nothing?

Well, I mean, no, not nothing.

I mean, guys, look,
we came together in harmony.

You know, if I'm being
honest, I'd rather go back to

the bar and get drunk, than go
to some, you know, concert.

Yes!
You know what, guys?

We can sing at the bar
like we always do.

That's right.
Yeah, but drink.

Oh, yeah.
'Cause I want to drink.

And we got to stay healthy.
That's right.

We have to stay healthy.
We'll always drink.

Well, then from the top,
shall we?

Okay.

Coast swing.

that sanitizer off you, huh?

You ready for your sponge bath?

Shit.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
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