Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,035 --> 00:00:03,135
Look at these innocent,
furry miracles.
2
00:00:03,136 --> 00:00:07,673
Right now, real animals are
being neglected by me.
3
00:00:07,724 --> 00:00:09,591
Hi, I'm Amy Schumer.
4
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:12,711
And these are the dozens of animals
I never should have adopted.
5
00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:14,463
Nobody's fault.
6
00:00:14,547 --> 00:00:19,084
Long story short, I'm now
legally considered a hoarder.
7
00:00:19,135 --> 00:00:20,436
I mean, what do you expect?
8
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:21,970
I mean, they're cute as (bleep).
9
00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:23,022
(Bleep).
10
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:24,273
Like what is this thing?
11
00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,758
Like, what are you,
an act one Gremlin?
12
00:00:26,810 --> 00:00:29,428
You are a burden.
13
00:00:29,479 --> 00:00:30,863
That's where you come in.
14
00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:33,932
Call the number on your
screen right now and just,
15
00:00:33,983 --> 00:00:36,535
just take a few of
these things off my hands.
16
00:00:36,602 --> 00:00:40,039
Like Walter, who only is nice
to you when he needs something.
17
00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:41,290
Nobody walks me, Walt.
18
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:43,575
This one I call Bait and Switch
'cause he used
19
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,744
to be real cute
and then he got bigger.
20
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:46,995
Not a Laugher.
21
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,114
Competitive Narcissist.
22
00:00:49,165 --> 00:00:52,418
And let's just say this one, she
doesn't have a warrior spirit.
23
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:53,719
Not Supportive.
24
00:00:53,786 --> 00:00:54,786
Mama's Boy.
25
00:00:54,838 --> 00:00:55,804
Spencer's actually cool.
26
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:56,805
He found my phone.
27
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,223
(whining)
28
00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:00,132
I honestly don't want to have
this conversation
29
00:01:00,176 --> 00:01:02,794
with you right now, but I will
in front of everybody.
30
00:01:02,846 --> 00:01:03,929
Jew.
31
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,130
Fat, But Owns It.
32
00:01:05,181 --> 00:01:06,849
And Mrs. Wong is glib.
33
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,484
Time is running out.
34
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:11,636
My sister just spent her student
loan check on an all-inclusive
35
00:01:11,688 --> 00:01:13,689
trip for the two of us
to go to Turks and Caicos.
36
00:01:13,773 --> 00:01:15,274
The excursions are not
included.
37
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,575
And once I'm on that plane,
38
00:01:16,642 --> 00:01:17,993
the last thing
I want to be worried about
39
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,529
is this dog's water bowl
or this turtle's survival.
40
00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:22,114
Russell!
41
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,982
Get away from your sister.
42
00:01:24,033 --> 00:01:26,418
Russell, you know
you're not allowed near her!
43
00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:30,956
If you call in the next 10 minutes,
you'll receive this free T-shirt.
44
00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:32,257
Okay?
45
00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:33,208
10 minutes.
46
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:34,877
You're so (bleep) cute.
47
00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:36,879
I want more of you!
48
00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:38,497
But I don't.
49
00:01:38,548 --> 00:01:41,016
50
00:01:44,635 --> 00:01:50,687
Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
51
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,485
For like, 10 years,
I've been on the road,
52
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,447
just staying at
the grossest places.
53
00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:57,449
Like, not even a Comfort Inn.
54
00:01:57,517 --> 00:02:00,685
Like, a-- I can't even see a Comfort
Inn from where I'm standing.
55
00:02:00,737 --> 00:02:02,687
It's like, a Comfort Western.
56
00:02:02,739 --> 00:02:04,223
You know?
57
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:09,328
Just some like off-brand place
where the sheets, like, hurt.
58
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,748
There's, like,
a four-thread count.
59
00:02:12,832 --> 00:02:14,833
It's BYO towels, just--
60
00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:18,370
They're like, "Sorry, you should
have called ahead".
61
00:02:18,421 --> 00:02:20,022
You're just, like,
shaking in the shower.
62
00:02:20,039 --> 00:02:22,341
63
00:02:23,709 --> 00:02:26,145
(man) 75% of Americans believe
64
00:02:26,212 --> 00:02:29,181
there are events
that cannot be explained.
65
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,767
Over half of them are
celebrities.
66
00:02:31,851 --> 00:02:35,354
Noises, shapes, shadows.
67
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:36,455
Hello?
68
00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:37,956
Weird dolls.
69
00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:38,991
Ghost hands.
70
00:02:39,058 --> 00:02:40,025
Uh-oh.
71
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,693
Bye!
72
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:50,335
As a celebrity,
I'm not superstitious,
73
00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:55,657
but I do assume that everything I
don't understand is black magic.
74
00:02:55,842 --> 00:03:00,429
This was the first vacation
I booked since I got famous,
75
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:03,015
so I wanted to treat myself
to a fancy hotel.
76
00:03:03,082 --> 00:03:04,049
(bell chimes)
77
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,767
(laughing)
78
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,252
Just having a bit of fun.
79
00:03:07,303 --> 00:03:10,472
In the past, I've always stayed
at motels where the door
80
00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:13,275
to my room opens
directly to the parking lot,
81
00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:15,227
which is cool 'cause you can
check on your car.
82
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:18,981
But this time, I was looking
forward to being treated
83
00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:20,315
better than other people.
84
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,817
I don't have to tip
'cause I have this.
85
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:22,951
Bye.
86
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,153
Yes.
87
00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:29,825
The first night, I met a really
chill couple from the Keys,
88
00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:31,793
who, like me, were
down for whatever.
89
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,046
We should go have sex
with each other.
90
00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:36,081
Then, at the last minute,
they had a change of heart.
91
00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:37,633
No hard feelings.
92
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:41,053
And if they change their mind,
like, they know where I am.
93
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,673
In the morning,
I woke up to a strange sound.
94
00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:47,509
It was like...
95
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:49,928
(knocking)
96
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:52,764
(knocking continues)
97
00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:56,435
It was like a door noise
but on the other side...
98
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:57,986
...of the door.
99
00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:02,157
What?
100
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:06,811
When I opened the door,
a "USA Today"
101
00:04:06,863 --> 00:04:09,331
had appeared on the floor.
102
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:13,035
So I was like, um,
"Okay, that's weird".
103
00:04:13,119 --> 00:04:14,753
Like, now it's weird.
104
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:18,674
I was bugging out.
105
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:22,177
So I went into town
to do a Segway tour
106
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,629
and score some
Caribbean Adderall.
107
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:31,303
When I get back, the first thing
I notice is that my towel
108
00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:34,439
has been transformed
into a swan.
109
00:04:38,511 --> 00:04:42,013
And then I see that
on top of my pillow
110
00:04:42,065 --> 00:04:46,785
is an even tinier pillow
made entirely of chocolate.
111
00:04:46,852 --> 00:04:48,787
And now I know
there's a ghost.
112
00:04:48,854 --> 00:04:50,739
I know.
113
00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:54,543
I tested my ghost theory by
dumping out all of the shampoo
114
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:58,213
and drinking all of
the bottles from the mini bar.
115
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,698
I remember thinking, like,
116
00:04:59,749 --> 00:05:02,884
"Let's see
a ghost deal with this."
117
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:05,003
But then I bounced out
118
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:09,925
and I ran into the guy who had
sold me a shark tooth necklace.
119
00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:11,677
And just crashed at his place.
120
00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:12,644
It was cool.
121
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:14,262
He had a snake.
122
00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:20,686
When I got back, I was almost
too scared to open the door.
123
00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:28,076
All the bottles
were full again.
124
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,861
And the room was spotless.
125
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,197
I just broke down.
126
00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:35,734
I called my personal life
coach and psychic, Cheyakee.
127
00:05:35,785 --> 00:05:38,203
There's a (bleep) swan here!
128
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:46,094
I've known Amy for 12 weeks and
if she says she saw a ghost and
129
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,347
agrees to fly me down
business class,
130
00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:51,299
then guess what,
she saw a ghost.
131
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,935
I know you're right, but
it's just-- Shh! (knocking)
132
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,854
That's the door noise
I told you about.
133
00:05:55,921 --> 00:05:57,639
(woman) Mrs. Schumer!
134
00:05:57,724 --> 00:05:59,591
What do you want
with us, spirit?
135
00:05:59,642 --> 00:06:00,859
(woman) Hello, housekeeping.
136
00:06:00,926 --> 00:06:02,361
You're not welcome here!
137
00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:04,279
(woman) Okay, thank you.
I come back.
138
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,198
(screaming)
139
00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:07,566
Oh God!
140
00:06:09,068 --> 00:06:11,703
(Amy) I checked out that day.
141
00:06:11,771 --> 00:06:14,873
I guess there are more forces
out there than meets the eye.
142
00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:19,911
And sometimes, those
forces bring us swan towels.
143
00:06:22,131 --> 00:06:23,915
144
00:06:27,603 --> 00:06:33,358
(man) She's beautiful, she's
smart, she's sophisticated.
145
00:06:33,443 --> 00:06:35,327
(woman) Sophisticated.
146
00:06:35,411 --> 00:06:36,912
(man) She's your best friend.
147
00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:39,164
(woman) Best friend.
148
00:06:39,248 --> 00:06:41,199
(man) You can't picture your
life without her.
149
00:06:41,284 --> 00:06:42,200
Or can you?
150
00:06:42,285 --> 00:06:43,201
A little bit.
151
00:06:43,286 --> 00:06:44,286
Sometimes.
152
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,121
(woman) Occasionally.
153
00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:49,841
(man) Give her the gift that keeps
on giving... you more time.
154
00:06:49,926 --> 00:06:51,560
(woman) Time.
155
00:06:51,627 --> 00:06:54,963
We're proud to introduce our
Stolen Years collection.
156
00:06:55,014 --> 00:06:58,183
Because you're not sure
and you probably never will be.
157
00:06:58,267 --> 00:06:59,601
(woman) Stolen Years.
158
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:03,605
(man) A line of jewelry
as gorgeous are her
159
00:07:03,672 --> 00:07:06,224
and as non-committal as you.
160
00:07:06,309 --> 00:07:07,949
(woman) Who's that new chick
in marketing?
161
00:07:10,813 --> 00:07:14,182
(man) Stolen Years marks the precious
days and months you're taking
162
00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:17,819
from her as you carelessly
diddle time away,
163
00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:21,957
trying to figure out
if she's the best you can do.
164
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:24,409
The Stolen Years collection.
165
00:07:24,494 --> 00:07:26,711
Give her the gift
that says forever.
166
00:07:26,796 --> 00:07:30,465
I will keep you waiting
for for-(bleep)-ever.
167
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,700
(woman) Forever.
168
00:07:32,752 --> 00:07:35,470
169
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,005
How did you propose?
170
00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:39,040
I had a limo, picked her up,
and took her down to the river,
171
00:07:39,091 --> 00:07:40,308
and dropped to a knee.
172
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:42,427
That's perfect,
'cause if she said no,
173
00:07:42,512 --> 00:07:43,888
you could have just
dumped her body in there.
174
00:07:43,914 --> 00:07:44,421
That's true.
175
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,982
What made you decide you
wanted to get married-- propose?
176
00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:48,150
My grandpa died.
177
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,017
I was pretty down
about it because
178
00:07:49,068 --> 00:07:50,569
I was close to my grandpa.
179
00:07:50,653 --> 00:07:53,905
I recognized that, uh, if she
was going to stick by me for
180
00:07:53,990 --> 00:07:55,824
that, be supportive, that's
someone I wanted to be around
181
00:07:55,891 --> 00:07:57,392
- for the rest of my life and...
- Yeah.
182
00:07:57,443 --> 00:07:59,027
Did you ever think that
maybe she knew that
183
00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:01,563
and she killed your grandpa?
184
00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:04,616
185
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:08,336
Should anyone here know of any
reason that this couple should
186
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:13,008
not be joined in
holy matrimony, speak now
187
00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:14,309
or forever hold your peace.
188
00:08:16,078 --> 00:08:17,679
Really?
189
00:08:17,746 --> 00:08:19,214
Nobody's gonna object?
190
00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:20,705
We're all just gonna
let this happen?
191
00:08:20,716 --> 00:08:21,916
What is the objection?
192
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,752
I didn't want to be a hero,
but, you know what?
193
00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:29,591
My ankle tattoo
says "Carpe Diem".
194
00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:30,859
Seize the carp.
195
00:08:30,926 --> 00:08:32,427
So, fine.
196
00:08:32,478 --> 00:08:34,312
Stop the wedding.
197
00:08:34,397 --> 00:08:35,947
Amy, what the (bleep)?
198
00:08:36,032 --> 00:08:38,066
What the (bleep) you, Sasha.
199
00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:39,067
I'm gonna say it.
200
00:08:39,135 --> 00:08:40,216
What are you talking about?
201
00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:43,572
I was outside, bumming
a smoke yesterday,
202
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:46,241
after the free
rehearsal dinner.
203
00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:48,076
Thank you guys so
much for that.
204
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:53,582
And I'm outside and I remember
205
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:57,135
that I overheard something
206
00:08:57,220 --> 00:09:02,974
interesting that one of
your bridesmaids told me.
207
00:09:03,059 --> 00:09:04,175
Who?
Which bridesmaid?
208
00:09:04,260 --> 00:09:07,646
Okay, which one did I talk
to yesterday?
209
00:09:07,730 --> 00:09:09,147
Okay.
210
00:09:09,232 --> 00:09:11,266
You asked me to help
you find your car.
211
00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:13,318
I said you shouldn't be driving
because you seemed drunk.
212
00:09:13,402 --> 00:09:15,803
No. Before that.
213
00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:18,139
Before that, wiseass.
214
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,242
What-- No, what did you say?
215
00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:22,360
You told me something really
revealing about Chris.
216
00:09:22,445 --> 00:09:23,445
Right?
217
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,613
What's your name?
218
00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:25,580
Pam.
219
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:26,581
That's not it.
220
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,583
No. Sit down.
221
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:29,618
Right down.
222
00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:30,652
Do not sit down.
223
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:32,487
(Amy) Sit down, Pam.
224
00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:35,490
- Don't sit down, Pam.
- Sit down, Pam.
225
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:38,843
There's an elephant in the
room, y'all, and it stanks!
226
00:09:38,928 --> 00:09:40,262
Everybody wants you to stop.
227
00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:42,013
You do, Chris.
228
00:09:42,098 --> 00:09:47,302
But this side of the room has
my back and so do other people.
229
00:09:47,353 --> 00:09:49,304
I'm looking at you, Janine.
230
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:50,805
She told me also.
231
00:09:50,856 --> 00:09:51,723
What are you talking about?
232
00:09:51,807 --> 00:09:53,441
Grow up!
233
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:57,178
Janine gave me a piece
of gum earlier.
234
00:09:57,229 --> 00:10:00,198
She also dished some dirt too.
235
00:10:00,283 --> 00:10:01,316
Are you done?
236
00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:04,319
Are you done lying, Chris?
237
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:07,205
Don't forget, you hooked
up with me in college.
238
00:10:07,290 --> 00:10:08,239
That was me.
239
00:10:08,324 --> 00:10:10,158
You're also a
piece of (bleep).
240
00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:12,294
No, I'm not.
241
00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:14,930
Fair enough.
242
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:16,414
Only time will tell.
243
00:10:16,499 --> 00:10:21,002
But for now,
cat's out of the bag.
244
00:10:21,053 --> 00:10:23,805
(meows)
245
00:10:23,872 --> 00:10:25,256
Wake up.
246
00:10:25,341 --> 00:10:26,591
Wake up, San Francisco.
247
00:10:26,676 --> 00:10:28,042
- What is she talking about?
- I don't know.
248
00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:33,181
I believe the answer to all
your questions is right here.
249
00:10:33,232 --> 00:10:36,151
I think I had written something
down earlier about this.
250
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,352
Oh, I have gum.
251
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:43,024
Do you want this?
You don't care.
252
00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:45,860
Is there something
you need to tell me?
253
00:10:45,911 --> 00:10:46,828
Of course not, babe.
254
00:10:46,895 --> 00:10:47,829
Okay.
255
00:10:47,896 --> 00:10:50,399
Are you sure?
256
00:10:51,066 --> 00:10:52,667
Okay, fine.
257
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,669
I'm gay, I (bleep) dudes.
258
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:55,920
That was it.
259
00:10:56,005 --> 00:10:57,539
260
00:10:59,041 --> 00:11:01,042
What could you have found out
about your wife last-minute
261
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:02,794
that would have made you
stop the wedding?
262
00:11:02,878 --> 00:11:05,213
Maybe if a guy screamed out,
"She's sucking my (bleep)!"
263
00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:07,432
- During, before she walked down--
- Before she walked down.
264
00:11:07,516 --> 00:11:08,916
"She just sucked my (bleep)!"
265
00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:11,269
That would maybe be something
that would stop the wedding.
266
00:11:11,354 --> 00:11:12,937
But it's like, all those
people are already there.
267
00:11:13,022 --> 00:11:14,139
- You know, they traveled.
- Yeah.
268
00:11:14,223 --> 00:11:15,657
And she's probably
just nervous.
269
00:11:15,725 --> 00:11:17,609
Like, when I'm nervous, I just
like sucking (bleep), just like,
270
00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:18,977
- oh my God--
- Understandable.
271
00:11:19,061 --> 00:11:21,763
You look nervous now?
272
00:11:21,814 --> 00:11:24,699
You ever go to a wedding and you
were just, like, looking around
273
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:25,933
the room and you were like,
274
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:28,703
"Someone
please 'Homeland' this place?
275
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,171
"I'll die with the rest
of the team.
276
00:11:30,239 --> 00:11:31,790
These people need
to go down?"
277
00:11:31,874 --> 00:11:34,909
- Uh.
- Ish. Ish.
278
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,911
279
00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:40,298
280
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,934
(woman)
"My Dream Breakup."
281
00:11:46,638 --> 00:11:48,440
Amy, a high school graduate,
282
00:11:48,491 --> 00:11:51,693
is ready to change her relationship
status with her boyfriend, Nick.
283
00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:52,777
Hello, gorgeous.
284
00:11:52,828 --> 00:11:54,029
Are you my breakup girl?
285
00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:55,196
Yes, hi.
286
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:56,698
Hi, come here.
287
00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:58,666
Nick and I have been dating
for two-and-a-half years.
288
00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:02,320
Nick is like, such
a great guy, but I just,
289
00:12:02,371 --> 00:12:06,007
I know in my heart that I'm
ready for something taller.
290
00:12:08,177 --> 00:12:09,544
So let's talk general concept.
291
00:12:09,628 --> 00:12:12,163
Have we given any thought to
whether you want it to be
292
00:12:12,214 --> 00:12:14,832
a slow realization
or a devastating blindside?
293
00:12:14,884 --> 00:12:18,803
Um, I guess
blindside feels more me.
294
00:12:18,854 --> 00:12:19,971
You know what?
295
00:12:20,022 --> 00:12:21,506
I knew you were going
to say that.
296
00:12:21,557 --> 00:12:22,857
- I just get you.
- You do.
297
00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:24,776
Let's look at
some venues, come on.
298
00:12:24,843 --> 00:12:25,777
You know what?
299
00:12:25,844 --> 00:12:26,778
I have an idea, Amy.
300
00:12:26,845 --> 00:12:28,696
Let me tell you.
301
00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:30,815
What do you think about tapas?
302
00:12:30,866 --> 00:12:32,484
I love the small plates idea.
303
00:12:32,535 --> 00:12:33,902
I think it's
a great fit for you, Amy.
304
00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:36,121
You know, it's low commitment,
you can leave after
305
00:12:36,188 --> 00:12:38,156
the bacon-wrapped figs
if you want, or if he's crying,
306
00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:39,741
you can stay for
the croquettas!
307
00:12:39,825 --> 00:12:41,409
Ooh, I love croquettas!
308
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,795
Then we're gonna have
to make him cry.
309
00:12:43,862 --> 00:12:44,896
You're such a natural.
310
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:45,764
Have you done this before?
311
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:47,298
No. No.
312
00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:48,800
Everyone always
breaks up with me.
313
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:51,970
Mom, one to 10?
314
00:12:53,389 --> 00:12:56,391
315
00:13:00,763 --> 00:13:01,729
Mom.
316
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:04,732
When I divorced your father,
I wore something more traditional.
317
00:13:04,817 --> 00:13:07,051
- This is my day!
- Oh, sweetie.
318
00:13:07,103 --> 00:13:08,319
No, you stop it.
319
00:13:08,387 --> 00:13:09,604
You're ruining this!
320
00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:11,106
(sighs)
321
00:13:11,190 --> 00:13:13,358
Mom, can I talk to
you for a second?
322
00:13:17,663 --> 00:13:19,864
(crying)
Why are you being mean?
323
00:13:25,254 --> 00:13:26,871
That looks...
324
00:13:28,924 --> 00:13:30,208
...great!
325
00:13:32,762 --> 00:13:34,896
We have the dress!
326
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,686
(Amy) I watched my friends
do this over and over again
327
00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:43,221
and now it's my turn.
328
00:13:44,773 --> 00:13:46,391
Blessed.
329
00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:52,397
(whispers) Hey.
330
00:13:53,816 --> 00:13:55,266
Why are all
these cameras here?
331
00:13:55,317 --> 00:13:56,618
Nick,
332
00:13:56,702 --> 00:14:00,905
the times we shared can never
be taken away from us.
333
00:14:00,956 --> 00:14:02,323
What are you guys shooting?
334
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:06,794
But all things must run their
course and in due time,
335
00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:09,130
even everything ends.
336
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:13,668
So Nick, today, I'd like
to tell you that
337
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:18,056
I am breaking up with you.
338
00:14:18,123 --> 00:14:19,090
(mouthing words)
339
00:14:21,477 --> 00:14:22,894
Go for Eduardo and Pilar.
340
00:14:22,961 --> 00:14:25,563
Wait, what?
341
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:29,767
342
00:14:29,818 --> 00:14:31,102
We have tears.
343
00:14:31,153 --> 00:14:32,003
Go for croquettas!
344
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,356
(man sings in Spanish)
345
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:36,357
Why the (bleep) is he singing?
346
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:37,358
No, I'm sorry, no.
347
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,493
These are from Spain.
348
00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:40,078
(groaning)
349
00:14:40,145 --> 00:14:41,996
Sweetie, I'm sorry,
no singing, okay?
350
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,414
Lo siento.
351
00:14:43,482 --> 00:14:44,916
But if I want to hear you sing,
I will put a dollar
352
00:14:44,983 --> 00:14:45,983
in your (bleep) sombrero.
353
00:14:46,035 --> 00:14:47,168
This is not the
(bleep) "Voice".
354
00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:48,693
Do I look like I'm in
a spinny chair?
355
00:14:48,754 --> 00:14:49,587
Please just
follow instructions.
356
00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:51,372
I have 200 of you.
357
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:54,042
I don't even know what
to say right now.
358
00:14:54,126 --> 00:14:55,627
I'm like, totally blindsided.
359
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:01,633
What is this?
360
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:05,687
Oh, you're giving me my
stuff back in a gift bag?
361
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:08,806
Hey, (bleep) you, Amy.
362
00:15:09,391 --> 00:15:11,109
Holy God!
363
00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:14,145
Sweetie, you were amazing!
364
00:15:14,196 --> 00:15:15,480
You did it, girl!
365
00:15:15,531 --> 00:15:16,648
We did it.
366
00:15:16,699 --> 00:15:18,199
It couldn't have
been more perfect.
367
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:22,704
It was truly the breakup of
my dreams and the best part--
368
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:25,657
now I have a new
gay best friend.
369
00:15:25,708 --> 00:15:28,359
Oh, I'm not gay.
I'm gonna (bleep) her.
370
00:15:28,410 --> 00:15:29,577
371
00:15:32,715 --> 00:15:34,882
What's the worst way you've
ever been broken up with?
372
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:37,051
Well, it was like when
I was younger.
373
00:15:37,136 --> 00:15:39,254
Basically, she slept with like,
a bunch of my friends
374
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:42,440
and then dumped me.
375
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:43,591
It was pretty horrible.
376
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,260
Okay, breakup with me.
377
00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:46,945
All right.
378
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:49,147
Hey, I can't wait for you to
meet my mom this weekend.
379
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,265
Yeah.
380
00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:51,599
Well, I've been thinking--
381
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:54,051
I (bleep) all your friends.
382
00:15:54,103 --> 00:15:55,403
How do you get over an ex?
383
00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:56,521
What do, what do you do?
384
00:15:56,572 --> 00:15:58,856
I sleep with someone
and then I regret it.
385
00:15:58,908 --> 00:16:01,076
No, you distract yourself.
386
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:05,163
You eat, pray, eat.
387
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,164
That's what I do.
388
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:11,836
389
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:16,641
So Downing, you are
106 years old.
390
00:16:16,708 --> 00:16:17,809
I am.
391
00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:20,094
What's your favorite
part about being 100?
392
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:21,646
No condoms, right?
393
00:16:21,713 --> 00:16:25,650
Well, I'm thankful for every
day when you're 100,
394
00:16:25,717 --> 00:16:27,151
'cause you know
the end is near.
395
00:16:27,219 --> 00:16:28,152
You know that.
396
00:16:28,220 --> 00:16:29,687
I don't know.
397
00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:31,899
- I don't know, Downing.
- You don't know it, but I do.
398
00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:33,574
I think you're going to
outlive everybody here.
399
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:34,742
Are you on Twitter?
400
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:35,860
No.
401
00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:37,695
No, I don't know any
of the new things.
402
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:42,667
I have very poor vision
and my hearing is off.
403
00:16:42,734 --> 00:16:44,369
Are your other
senses heightened?
404
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:49,240
Like, can you smell that our sound
guy smoked weed this morning?
405
00:16:49,291 --> 00:16:51,242
- Oh, heavens no.
- Okay, cool.
406
00:16:51,293 --> 00:16:52,593
You went to Towson.
407
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,912
I graduated in 1931.
408
00:16:54,963 --> 00:16:56,247
Took a little business course.
409
00:16:56,298 --> 00:16:57,581
That's where I went to.
410
00:16:57,633 --> 00:16:59,133
I went to the
same college as you.
411
00:16:59,218 --> 00:17:01,252
- I'm so pleased to hear that.
- Yeah.
412
00:17:01,303 --> 00:17:06,441
I went to Towson because when I
visited, I won a drinking contest.
413
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:07,609
Oh, wonderful.
414
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:11,646
Yeah, I love Baltimore, but it
definitely has its dangerous parts.
415
00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:13,597
Did you ever watch
the show "The Wire"?
416
00:17:13,649 --> 00:17:15,199
Don't know enough
about it, darling.
417
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:16,267
Okay.
418
00:17:16,318 --> 00:17:17,819
Are you still a
Baltimore girl?
419
00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:19,237
I live in the Baltimore area.
420
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:21,823
I live in the Towson area
in a retirement home.
421
00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:24,442
Do you know anybody maybe at
the home you can set me up?
422
00:17:24,493 --> 00:17:27,778
Any, any eligible bachelors?
423
00:17:27,830 --> 00:17:30,048
Did you ever get into
a fistfight?
424
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,166
- No, ma'am.
- Yeah, me neither.
425
00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:33,301
Never had a fistfight.
426
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:35,103
Well, be careful.
This neighborhood isn't so good.
427
00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:35,745
No.
428
00:17:35,787 --> 00:17:39,006
What was the
Great Depression like?
429
00:17:39,091 --> 00:17:41,292
What do you remember of
the Great Depression?
430
00:17:41,343 --> 00:17:44,429
We were very, very careful
about our food.
431
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:48,733
We would make a can of
salmon last for two nights.
432
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:49,800
Wow.
433
00:17:49,852 --> 00:17:51,486
And we liked it, you know?
434
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:52,636
We were saving.
435
00:17:52,688 --> 00:17:54,405
That's how Comedy Central
wishes I ate.
436
00:17:54,473 --> 00:17:55,523
(laughing)
437
00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:57,024
Right.
438
00:17:57,109 --> 00:18:01,829
What are the changes you've seen
for women with how they look?
439
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:04,615
Well, everybody's
wearing pants.
440
00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,834
- And I--
- Thank God.
441
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:10,838
I got into the first pair
of pants in World War II
442
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:15,510
and I thought we would never
take them on as the usual garb,
443
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:17,879
- but we have.
- Yeah.
444
00:18:17,963 --> 00:18:21,716
You think it's strange that women
wear their hair like, long now?
445
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:27,138
I think the style now is pretty,
however, I wonder who decrees
446
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:31,008
that it is now straight
if you're 50 and younger.
447
00:18:31,059 --> 00:18:32,510
Yeah.
448
00:18:32,561 --> 00:18:37,198
I would think that the beauty
operators would want you to keep
449
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:38,616
your hair curled.
450
00:18:38,683 --> 00:18:41,119
What about how-- how people
have changed how they feel
451
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:43,354
about different races?
452
00:18:43,405 --> 00:18:45,706
- About racism?
- Yeah, racism.
453
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:49,877
I have learned over the years
to have some of my very good
454
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,163
friends to be, uh...
455
00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:57,752
(inhales)
456
00:18:57,836 --> 00:18:59,537
- Black.
- Okay.
457
00:18:59,588 --> 00:19:00,471
That's not the word,
but anyway.
458
00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:01,539
No, that's the word.
459
00:19:01,590 --> 00:19:03,090
That's fine.
That's fine.
460
00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:06,928
What did you used to worry about
that you don't concern yourself
461
00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:08,262
with anymore?
462
00:19:08,347 --> 00:19:10,598
I would worry over
people over drinking.
463
00:19:10,682 --> 00:19:12,767
I lived during the Prohibition
years, you know?
464
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:14,352
Yeah.
465
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:18,022
And some of the young people,
yeah, they would overindulge
466
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:20,775
and I would be very concerned.
467
00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:23,861
You would have been very
concerned about me.
468
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,112
About you, honey?
469
00:19:25,197 --> 00:19:26,247
Uh-huh.
470
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,166
I can't-- no kidding.
471
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,835
You were one?
472
00:19:30,902 --> 00:19:34,789
Oh, you're crazy.
473
00:19:34,873 --> 00:19:36,624
I can't believe it.
474
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,108
I could have used
a friend like you.
475
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:44,516
What's the craziest thing you ever
witnessed in your whole life?
476
00:19:44,783 --> 00:19:46,935
Honey.
477
00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:49,720
I don't think
I can answer that.
478
00:19:50,922 --> 00:19:52,106
479
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,308
I'm not racist.
480
00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:55,759
I don't know if you guys are.
481
00:19:55,811 --> 00:19:58,279
I'm like, totally,
I'm totally not.
482
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,147
My grandpa is, though.
483
00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:01,732
I have such a racist grandpa.
484
00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:02,766
Do you guys have them?
485
00:20:02,818 --> 00:20:03,784
You must.
486
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,286
Everybody does, right?
487
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,439
Just-- he's so sweet, but then
he'll just say something like--
488
00:20:08,490 --> 00:20:11,108
we went to lunch the other day,
we get out of his car and
489
00:20:11,159 --> 00:20:13,159
a black guy crosses the street
in front of the car.
490
00:20:13,161 --> 00:20:14,629
And he goes,
"Oh, that reminds me".
491
00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:15,546
Boop, boop.
492
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,383
I'm like, "No".
493
00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:22,453
I'm like, "Grandpa, that
can't be the joke anymore.
494
00:20:22,504 --> 00:20:24,288
That was like, the joke when
you were younger".
495
00:20:24,339 --> 00:20:26,390
Like, oh,
watch out, black people.
496
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:27,458
Like, hold on to your (bleep).
497
00:20:27,509 --> 00:20:28,959
No.
498
00:20:29,011 --> 00:20:31,795
Like, that's the joke that
black people steal (bleep).
499
00:20:31,847 --> 00:20:34,965
Like, white people,
we stole black people.
500
00:20:35,017 --> 00:20:36,534
Umm...
501
00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:38,969
502
00:20:39,021 --> 00:20:42,023
Like, I love "Sex and the City"
and like, the Mario Cantone role.
503
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:44,158
I know Mario, he's a
close, personal friend.
504
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,276
Yeah, I did his breakup.
505
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:46,477
- No.
- I did.
506
00:20:46,528 --> 00:20:47,612
Who was he dating?
507
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,580
Um, Mayim Bialik.
508
00:20:49,648 --> 00:20:50,581
He's straight.
509
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:55,586
(woman) So easy.
510
00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:56,787
(man) Mmm, magic.
511
00:20:58,612 --> 00:21:04,612
Corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
512
00:21:04,662 --> 00:21:09,212
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
36341
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Filipino
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Interlingua
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof
