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1
00:00:00,268 --> 00:00:05,372
(Heavy panting)
2
00:00:08,043 --> 00:00:10,344
Well, that was fun.
3
00:00:10,346 --> 00:00:13,147
Amy, you all right?
4
00:00:13,549 --> 00:00:15,416
I don't know.
5
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:18,352
What's up?
6
00:00:18,354 --> 00:00:22,857
I think I just thought that I would
be more like the focal point?
7
00:00:22,859 --> 00:00:23,657
Huh.
8
00:00:23,659 --> 00:00:25,126
Were you not the focal point?
9
00:00:25,128 --> 00:00:27,595
No, no, definitely not.
10
00:00:27,597 --> 00:00:30,431
Like, I just-- it never
even occurred to me
11
00:00:30,433 --> 00:00:34,435
that you would be
penetrating Phil.
12
00:00:36,004 --> 00:00:37,471
Did I do that?
13
00:00:37,473 --> 00:00:38,672
- Are you sure?
- Yes, yes.
14
00:00:38,674 --> 00:00:40,908
I thought you felt
comfortable with Phil.
15
00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:42,910
I do. I usually do.
16
00:00:42,912 --> 00:00:43,744
Phil...
17
00:00:43,746 --> 00:00:46,680
Look, you've been our pharmacist,
how long, three years, okay?
18
00:00:46,682 --> 00:00:48,349
We move closer to another CVS.
19
00:00:48,351 --> 00:00:51,418
I said, "Let's stick with
Phil", didn't I, okay?
20
00:00:51,420 --> 00:00:51,886
She did.
21
00:00:51,888 --> 00:00:53,854
Maybe I'm being over
sensitive but God,
22
00:00:53,856 --> 00:00:56,423
I don't think so,
I don't think so.
23
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,728
What's the problem, Amy?
24
00:01:00,730 --> 00:01:04,498
I had an orgasm, probably the biggest
one I've ever had in my life.
25
00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:06,200
You Phil?
26
00:01:06,202 --> 00:01:06,867
I didn't.
27
00:01:06,869 --> 00:01:08,068
I didn't even come close.
28
00:01:08,070 --> 00:01:09,370
Nobody touched me.
29
00:01:09,372 --> 00:01:10,671
I went to the bathroom
at one point.
30
00:01:10,673 --> 00:01:12,339
You guys didn't
even realize...
31
00:01:12,341 --> 00:01:14,308
No, it's too late, Phil.
32
00:01:14,310 --> 00:01:15,809
I just wish you
hadn't been yelling,
33
00:01:15,811 --> 00:01:17,811
"This feels so right."
34
00:01:17,813 --> 00:01:21,415
Okay, how do you know I
wasn't talking about you?
35
00:01:22,784 --> 00:01:26,554
This feels so right
with you, Phil!
36
00:01:26,556 --> 00:01:31,158
Phil, Phil, Phil!
37
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,694
I'm penetrating Phil!
38
00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:41,697
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
39
00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:44,037
I'll tell you something.
40
00:01:44,039 --> 00:01:46,073
Men are not good at planning.
41
00:01:46,075 --> 00:01:47,307
Can we just agree on that?
42
00:01:47,309 --> 00:01:48,041
I've learned that.
43
00:01:48,043 --> 00:01:50,611
They are not good at
planning unless...
44
00:01:50,613 --> 00:01:52,980
it's for a threesome, right?
45
00:01:52,982 --> 00:01:56,617
Then they become (bleep)
event planners.
46
00:01:57,152 --> 00:01:58,685
I'm like, why are you
wearing a headset
47
00:01:58,687 --> 00:02:01,989
and holding a clipboard, um...
48
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:05,426
Is that the
"Braveheart" soundtrack?
49
00:02:05,728 --> 00:02:08,462
50
00:02:08,514 --> 00:02:09,613
Dylan, great job on the
51
00:02:09,615 --> 00:02:12,449
"30 Ways to Know You're 20
Pounds Overweight" article.
52
00:02:12,451 --> 00:02:15,152
I heard most girls were
crying by number seven.
53
00:02:15,154 --> 00:02:16,320
All right, next
order of shizz,
54
00:02:16,322 --> 00:02:20,090
We're still 80 tips away from being
done with 500 hottest sex tips.
55
00:02:20,092 --> 00:02:20,692
Start pitching.
56
00:02:20,693 --> 00:02:23,427
What if, while you're going down
on him you take a feather
57
00:02:23,429 --> 00:02:27,197
and you gently tickle the
space behind his balls?
58
00:02:27,199 --> 00:02:31,268
Hunter, it's sex tips to drive
him wild, not drive him mild.
59
00:02:31,270 --> 00:02:32,903
(laughing)
60
00:02:32,905 --> 00:02:35,472
That's hilarious, did you
guys hear what I said?
61
00:02:35,474 --> 00:02:38,342
(all laughing)
62
00:02:38,344 --> 00:02:39,076
Okay, write that down.
63
00:02:39,078 --> 00:02:40,310
Actually, just put
it right on the blog.
64
00:02:40,312 --> 00:02:42,379
I don't want people
to have to wait for that.
65
00:02:42,381 --> 00:02:43,313
Okay, Lenore, go.
66
00:02:43,315 --> 00:02:45,048
So you dress like a Boy Scout
67
00:02:45,050 --> 00:02:46,216
but only from the bottom down
68
00:02:46,218 --> 00:02:48,252
and then you sit on
his knee and queef.
69
00:02:48,254 --> 00:02:51,388
Interesting,
I like it... more.
70
00:02:51,390 --> 00:02:52,322
Take a five-hour energy
71
00:02:52,324 --> 00:02:53,624
and pour it inside your vagina
72
00:02:53,626 --> 00:02:54,858
right before you have sex.
73
00:02:54,860 --> 00:02:55,659
Where's your office?
74
00:02:55,661 --> 00:02:57,127
I'm moving it closer to mine.
75
00:02:57,129 --> 00:02:58,061
Spin me around.
76
00:02:58,063 --> 00:02:59,830
What if you take
a pumice stone
77
00:02:59,832 --> 00:03:03,400
and you hold it over an open
flame for like an hour
78
00:03:03,402 --> 00:03:07,204
and then you gently grate it
up and down his shaft?
79
00:03:07,206 --> 00:03:08,005
Wow, love it.
80
00:03:08,007 --> 00:03:11,875
Okay, guys, we need
75 more and don't be lazy.
81
00:03:11,877 --> 00:03:13,844
So far, the pumice
stone's my favorite.
82
00:03:13,846 --> 00:03:15,646
You put his penis
in a glory hole.
83
00:03:15,648 --> 00:03:16,680
You begin to stroke it.
84
00:03:16,682 --> 00:03:17,948
You take a mouthful of (bleep)
85
00:03:17,950 --> 00:03:19,016
from his three best friends
86
00:03:19,018 --> 00:03:22,486
and then you shoot it in his
face until he explodes?
87
00:03:22,488 --> 00:03:23,387
Hmm...
88
00:03:23,389 --> 00:03:24,354
What about a
sawed-off shotgun?
89
00:03:24,356 --> 00:03:27,190
You could take it and
rub it up and down his neck
90
00:03:27,192 --> 00:03:28,959
till he's super hard.
91
00:03:28,961 --> 00:03:30,894
Okay.
92
00:03:30,996 --> 00:03:33,430
Okay.
93
00:03:33,532 --> 00:03:35,732
Okay.
94
00:03:39,137 --> 00:03:41,171
Bridgett.
95
00:03:41,373 --> 00:03:43,340
You look like a sad emoticon.
96
00:03:43,342 --> 00:03:44,975
Give me something.
97
00:03:44,977 --> 00:03:48,779
Okay, okay, how 'bout this.
98
00:03:49,281 --> 00:03:51,315
You fall in love
with a stockbroker,
99
00:03:51,317 --> 00:03:54,785
you know because it really seems
like he wants to get married.
100
00:03:54,787 --> 00:03:55,686
And then you're
together at the
101
00:03:55,688 --> 00:03:58,989
Chipotle and his friends
from work show up,
102
00:03:58,991 --> 00:04:01,825
and he pretends like
you're bussin' the table.
103
00:04:01,827 --> 00:04:02,526
So what do you do?
104
00:04:02,528 --> 00:04:05,529
You pick up his basket,
you clear his table.
105
00:04:05,531 --> 00:04:07,064
You wipe it and you say,
106
00:04:07,066 --> 00:04:08,599
"Can I get you
anything else?"
107
00:04:08,601 --> 00:04:09,499
And you know what he says?
108
00:04:09,501 --> 00:04:12,035
He says, "Yeah, could you
freshen our drinks?"
109
00:04:12,037 --> 00:04:13,570
So you freshen
everybody's drinks.
110
00:04:13,572 --> 00:04:14,838
And you go back
into the kitchen.
111
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,274
You take somebody's
card, you clock out,
112
00:04:17,276 --> 00:04:18,842
you go home and then
what do you do?
113
00:04:18,844 --> 00:04:21,912
You pour yourself a bottle of
Chardonnay and you sit on the toilet
114
00:04:21,914 --> 00:04:24,314
and then you start playing Words
With Friends with Lenore.
115
00:04:24,316 --> 00:04:27,684
And then you just
go and you get into bed...
116
00:04:27,686 --> 00:04:29,152
And then he explodes.
117
00:04:29,154 --> 00:04:30,320
What's happening over here?
118
00:04:30,322 --> 00:04:31,521
What's happening
in this section?
119
00:04:31,523 --> 00:04:33,991
Bridgett is going
through a breakup.
120
00:04:33,993 --> 00:04:35,158
You don't know what
I'm going through.
121
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,327
Okay, she's a
ticking time bomb.
122
00:04:37,329 --> 00:04:38,495
Somebody top her off.
123
00:04:38,497 --> 00:04:39,963
I'm not hearing sex tips.
124
00:04:39,965 --> 00:04:42,466
What, are we hanging out--
are you guys my friends?
125
00:04:42,468 --> 00:04:43,000
No.
126
00:04:43,002 --> 00:04:44,401
So you wait till he
finds out his dad's
127
00:04:44,403 --> 00:04:45,902
been diagnosed
with prostate cancer.
128
00:04:45,904 --> 00:04:48,772
Then, while he's crying,
you put one finger--
129
00:04:48,774 --> 00:04:50,607
two fingers up his butt...
130
00:04:50,609 --> 00:04:52,376
until he explodes?
131
00:04:52,378 --> 00:04:54,411
I have one.
132
00:04:54,413 --> 00:04:56,513
Make eye contact?
133
00:04:56,515 --> 00:04:58,081
You're a (bleep), fan me.
134
00:04:58,083 --> 00:05:01,551
How' bout, go to Trader Joe's, and
buy an Amy's frozen Indian dinner.
135
00:05:01,553 --> 00:05:05,589
Then smear it all over his genitals
in slow circles clockwise...
136
00:05:05,591 --> 00:05:07,591
and then counter clockwise.
137
00:05:07,593 --> 00:05:10,460
I tried that...
138
00:05:10,462 --> 00:05:12,062
and it works.
139
00:05:12,064 --> 00:05:13,130
Okay.
140
00:05:13,132 --> 00:05:13,730
You're fired.
141
00:05:13,732 --> 00:05:15,899
That eye contact thing
was ridic-- get out.
142
00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:18,869
Guys, this article is
gonna cause a baby boom.
143
00:05:18,871 --> 00:05:20,904
We're doing God's work.
144
00:05:21,006 --> 00:05:22,038
145
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:26,076
2,000 men are suing "Glamo"
Magazine for emotional damages
146
00:05:26,078 --> 00:05:27,144
claiming their sex tips
147
00:05:27,146 --> 00:05:29,045
are at least partially
responsible for the fact
148
00:05:29,047 --> 00:05:31,581
that they were bizarrely
raped by their girlfriends.
149
00:05:31,583 --> 00:05:32,949
(anchorman) We spoke to
one of the plaintiffs.
150
00:05:32,951 --> 00:05:34,718
I came here today because
I don't want anyone
151
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,120
to ever have to go
through what I went through.
152
00:05:37,122 --> 00:05:39,022
I bet you guys didn't
know that you can, uh,
153
00:05:39,024 --> 00:05:41,458
fit a Hanukkah candle
in your pee-hole.
154
00:05:41,460 --> 00:05:44,961
Well, guess what "Glamo"
Magazine, you can't.
155
00:05:44,963 --> 00:05:47,697
Now I have to piss in a bag.
156
00:05:47,699 --> 00:05:49,966
157
00:05:49,968 --> 00:05:50,968
What's your best sex tip?
158
00:05:50,969 --> 00:05:55,939
I'm Taurus so I'm kind of a
sensual lover so I'm, you know...
159
00:05:55,941 --> 00:05:57,307
I'm very passionate.
160
00:05:57,309 --> 00:05:58,341
Did you guys just hear that?
161
00:05:58,343 --> 00:06:01,178
My underwear just fell off.
162
00:06:01,180 --> 00:06:03,980
Do you have any good sex tips?
163
00:06:03,982 --> 00:06:05,282
Biting.
164
00:06:05,284 --> 00:06:06,483
Biting is good.
165
00:06:06,485 --> 00:06:08,785
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
166
00:06:08,787 --> 00:06:10,387
G-Spot, very important.
167
00:06:10,389 --> 00:06:11,454
Poke the fingers.
168
00:06:11,456 --> 00:06:12,556
You gotta work the G-Spot.
169
00:06:12,558 --> 00:06:13,623
Like "come over here..."
170
00:06:13,625 --> 00:06:14,558
It's important, yes.
171
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:17,527
I'll take the check but I first
wanna order something else first.
172
00:06:17,529 --> 00:06:19,329
There are a lot of
workshops you can take so...
173
00:06:19,331 --> 00:06:21,832
- I know, but I'm so lazy.
- Yeah.
174
00:06:21,834 --> 00:06:23,433
What's your best sex tip?
175
00:06:23,435 --> 00:06:26,002
I'd say flick your
tongue very quickly.
176
00:06:26,004 --> 00:06:30,407
If he's uncut and the skin
covers the tip of the penis
177
00:06:30,409 --> 00:06:32,242
when he withdraws the penis,
178
00:06:32,244 --> 00:06:36,046
he becomes very
sensitive so...
179
00:06:36,048 --> 00:06:38,515
(laughing)
180
00:06:38,517 --> 00:06:41,117
181
00:06:41,587 --> 00:06:43,721
182
00:06:43,723 --> 00:06:47,558
You know, men fake orgasms,
did you know that?
183
00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:48,259
Did you know that?
184
00:06:48,261 --> 00:06:51,362
Probably not with you,
you gorgeous... sunflower.
185
00:06:51,364 --> 00:06:52,864
But with this tulip,
186
00:06:52,866 --> 00:06:58,169
I'm sure everyone (bleep) you
to completion, but this...
187
00:06:58,171 --> 00:07:01,205
this petunia...
188
00:07:01,207 --> 00:07:04,542
A guy faking an orgasm--
it's so funny.
189
00:07:04,544 --> 00:07:06,410
I was dating this guy and, uh,
190
00:07:06,412 --> 00:07:08,780
we were in New Orleans
and we were wasted.
191
00:07:08,782 --> 00:07:10,548
We were having sex and
it was disgusting.
192
00:07:10,550 --> 00:07:14,385
It was just like two seals
batting at each other's...
193
00:07:14,387 --> 00:07:18,723
Eh, just drunken
hams high-fiving.
194
00:07:18,725 --> 00:07:21,325
It was awful, and uh...
195
00:07:21,327 --> 00:07:25,997
And he was obviously done
with our shared experience
196
00:07:25,999 --> 00:07:27,231
'cause he faked an orgasm.
197
00:07:27,233 --> 00:07:30,635
And like, men, you're
not allowed to fake it.
198
00:07:30,637 --> 00:07:31,402
You're not allowed.
199
00:07:31,404 --> 00:07:34,806
There's hard evidence
if it doesn't happen.
200
00:07:34,808 --> 00:07:37,208
I'm like, "Oh, do
you (bleep) magic now?"
201
00:07:37,210 --> 00:07:39,377
Wow, where is it?
202
00:07:39,379 --> 00:07:41,078
You can't-- especially if
it's your girlfriend.
203
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,247
Like, we know with the
noises you make.
204
00:07:43,249 --> 00:07:45,149
We don't know the
faces you make,
205
00:07:45,151 --> 00:07:49,821
because that's something you
look at once by accident.
206
00:07:53,192 --> 00:07:54,559
It's like looking
into the sun.
207
00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:58,729
You're like,
"Ow, never again."
208
00:08:00,165 --> 00:08:02,934
That was a one-time
kind of mistake.
209
00:08:02,936 --> 00:08:04,268
But we do, we know
your noises.
210
00:08:04,270 --> 00:08:06,404
So this guy, we're
having gross sex,
211
00:08:06,406 --> 00:08:09,173
and he lets out this
fake weird noise
212
00:08:09,175 --> 00:08:12,244
he's never made
before, like...
213
00:08:12,246 --> 00:08:14,747
"Bleuh..."
214
00:08:17,950 --> 00:08:22,220
I'm like, "Is your dick haunted
all of a sudden, that's amazing."
215
00:08:22,622 --> 00:08:25,356
216
00:08:25,358 --> 00:08:28,526
Welcome to "How Will
This Relationship End."
217
00:08:28,528 --> 00:08:31,062
The dating game show
where two sexual women
218
00:08:31,064 --> 00:08:35,800
guess how their relationship with
three eligible bachelors might end.
219
00:08:35,802 --> 00:08:36,901
Let's meet our contestants.
220
00:08:36,903 --> 00:08:39,337
Amy, tell us a little
bit about yourself.
221
00:08:39,339 --> 00:08:41,606
Okay, um, well, I'm a--
222
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:42,940
I'm 31 years old.
223
00:08:42,942 --> 00:08:46,110
I'm from Columbus, Ohio.
224
00:08:46,112 --> 00:08:47,645
And I enjoy repeating
the same mistakes
225
00:08:47,647 --> 00:08:50,681
over and over again
and never growing.
226
00:08:50,683 --> 00:08:51,782
Fun.
227
00:08:51,784 --> 00:08:53,885
Larissa, I understand
you're from Indiana?
228
00:08:53,887 --> 00:08:56,687
That's right and
romantically, I do have a type
229
00:08:56,689 --> 00:08:59,657
and that's anyone who
reminds me of my dad.
230
00:08:59,659 --> 00:09:01,993
Ho-ho, Papa, can you hear me?
231
00:09:01,995 --> 00:09:03,261
(laughing)
232
00:09:03,263 --> 00:09:04,161
Okay, let's play.
233
00:09:04,163 --> 00:09:06,264
Here's our first bachelor.
234
00:09:06,266 --> 00:09:07,164
Hi, my name's Brent.
235
00:09:07,166 --> 00:09:08,699
I'm an accountant
from Atlanta.
236
00:09:08,701 --> 00:09:12,169
So Amy, how do you see this
relationship ending?
237
00:09:12,171 --> 00:09:15,740
Okay, uh, we'll go on
three terrible dates
238
00:09:15,742 --> 00:09:19,644
and, uh, he'll make me order
appetizers as entrees
239
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:23,648
and even though I'm mildly
disgusted by him
240
00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:26,384
it'll bother me that I never
hear from him again.
241
00:09:26,386 --> 00:09:27,986
I could believe that.
242
00:09:27,988 --> 00:09:28,653
Larissa.
243
00:09:28,755 --> 00:09:31,889
Uh, I think we'd probably go
out for about two months.
244
00:09:31,891 --> 00:09:35,693
And then I would discover that
he writes movie reviews
245
00:09:35,695 --> 00:09:37,528
for a white
supremacist website.
246
00:09:37,530 --> 00:09:39,397
Let's see what
Brent has to say.
247
00:09:39,399 --> 00:09:40,965
My favorite movie
was "Lincoln".
248
00:09:40,967 --> 00:09:44,302
I thought Daniel Day-Lewis was
incredible as that war criminal.
249
00:09:44,304 --> 00:09:45,736
Perfect ending.
250
00:09:45,738 --> 00:09:48,172
- Larissa, you're on the board.
- Whoo!
251
00:09:48,174 --> 00:09:49,807
Let's meet our next bachelor.
252
00:09:49,809 --> 00:09:50,841
Hey, my name is Ryan.
253
00:09:50,843 --> 00:09:53,210
I'm from the Bronx and
I work at Fill-a-Bear.
254
00:09:53,212 --> 00:09:55,880
A lot of people mishear
that as Build-a-Bear.
255
00:09:55,882 --> 00:09:57,648
But Fill-a-Bear
is different.
256
00:09:57,650 --> 00:09:59,250
See I empty out
old Teddy Bears
257
00:09:59,252 --> 00:10:03,054
and then I sell the
carcasses to Build-a-Bear.
258
00:10:03,156 --> 00:10:03,854
Larissa.
259
00:10:03,856 --> 00:10:06,457
Well, first of all, I will
fall in love with Brent
260
00:10:06,459 --> 00:10:07,992
because he looks like my dad,
261
00:10:07,994 --> 00:10:13,230
uh, which will cause me to turn
into a hoarder like my mother...
262
00:10:13,232 --> 00:10:13,931
Ten seconds Larissa.
263
00:10:13,933 --> 00:10:17,635
Oh, uh, and then, uh, we'll
have a huge fight one day
264
00:10:17,637 --> 00:10:19,270
when he throws out
one of my treasures,
265
00:10:19,272 --> 00:10:20,705
an umbrella that
says Advil on it
266
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:24,141
and then he walks out of my life
forever and I call my dad...
267
00:10:24,143 --> 00:10:25,176
(buzzer)
268
00:10:25,178 --> 00:10:25,643
Amy.
269
00:10:25,645 --> 00:10:28,045
Okay, after dating
for about six months
270
00:10:28,047 --> 00:10:29,680
I accidentally get pregnant
271
00:10:29,682 --> 00:10:32,016
and even though we're not
really together anymore
272
00:10:32,018 --> 00:10:34,151
he won't let me
get an abortion?
273
00:10:34,153 --> 00:10:35,152
(bell dinging)
274
00:10:35,154 --> 00:10:35,786
Good answer.
275
00:10:35,788 --> 00:10:38,456
Well, let's see what
Ryan has to say.
276
00:10:38,458 --> 00:10:39,991
I would never pay
child support.
277
00:10:39,993 --> 00:10:41,892
But I'm strongly pro-life.
278
00:10:41,894 --> 00:10:45,329
Don't argue with me 'cause I'm not
smart enough to defend my position.
279
00:10:45,331 --> 00:10:46,597
Yankees rule.
280
00:10:46,599 --> 00:10:48,432
- Amy, you nailed it.
- Nice.
281
00:10:48,434 --> 00:10:51,202
Let's check out our
final bachelor.
282
00:10:51,204 --> 00:10:53,270
I work at the
Apple Genius Bar.
283
00:10:53,272 --> 00:10:55,306
Amy, how do you
see this ending?
284
00:10:55,308 --> 00:10:58,676
Okay, um, I think I've
got this one, Tom.
285
00:10:58,678 --> 00:11:00,177
We'll date for
about eight months
286
00:11:00,179 --> 00:11:03,381
and then I'll open a folder on his
desktop labeled football stuff
287
00:11:03,383 --> 00:11:05,649
and find 400 photos
of Daniel Radcliffe.
288
00:11:05,651 --> 00:11:06,283
(bell dinging)
289
00:11:06,285 --> 00:11:07,518
Amy, I'm gonna stop
you right there.
290
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:08,652
You're absolutely right.
291
00:11:08,654 --> 00:11:10,054
Yes, yes, yes.
292
00:11:10,056 --> 00:11:11,856
It's happened a lot.
293
00:11:11,858 --> 00:11:13,657
I'm gay.
294
00:11:13,659 --> 00:11:15,793
Congratulations, Amy, you win.
295
00:11:15,795 --> 00:11:17,028
Nice!
296
00:11:17,030 --> 00:11:21,000
Join us next week for another
episode of "How..."
297
00:11:22,902 --> 00:11:25,202
Hey, dad, it's me.
298
00:11:26,004 --> 00:11:29,440
Well, I lost just like
you said I would.
299
00:11:31,143 --> 00:11:35,246
Yeah, I can call
you back later.
300
00:11:35,248 --> 00:11:37,882
301
00:11:38,317 --> 00:11:40,385
302
00:11:40,387 --> 00:11:44,456
(narrator) And now the
epic finale of "Love Tub".
303
00:11:44,458 --> 00:11:46,124
The two remaining
bachelorettes
304
00:11:46,126 --> 00:11:49,461
prepare for their
final date with Ben.
305
00:11:49,463 --> 00:11:51,530
I just really wish we
didn't have to go on
306
00:11:51,532 --> 00:11:53,432
this last date as a threesome.
307
00:11:53,434 --> 00:11:55,434
There's enough
of him to go around.
308
00:11:55,436 --> 00:11:57,469
I just don't like to
share Ben with anyone.
309
00:11:57,471 --> 00:11:58,370
When I just said that,
310
00:11:58,372 --> 00:12:01,073
I mean, I'm talking
about... his dick.
311
00:12:01,075 --> 00:12:01,506
Oh.
312
00:12:01,508 --> 00:12:04,509
I was like, so it's...
uh-ya-ya-ya-ya, ding.
313
00:12:04,511 --> 00:12:06,111
(groaning) ding!
314
00:12:06,113 --> 00:12:09,114
Like, corn, like eating
corn and a typewriter.
315
00:12:09,116 --> 00:12:11,483
You guys slept
together already?
316
00:12:11,485 --> 00:12:14,086
No, no.
317
00:12:14,088 --> 00:12:16,655
I mean, yeah, like what do you
consider sleeping together?
318
00:12:16,657 --> 00:12:18,090
It's like, you know,
who cares?
319
00:12:18,092 --> 00:12:22,494
I mean, isn't that what
this show is, like, what--
320
00:12:22,896 --> 00:12:26,064
321
00:12:30,670 --> 00:12:33,972
I just want to start off our
last night with a toast
322
00:12:33,974 --> 00:12:35,841
to the two most beautiful...
323
00:12:35,843 --> 00:12:38,411
You know what, I'm like not in
a champagne mood, I'm sorry.
324
00:12:38,412 --> 00:12:39,845
Like, can I just get
a cranberry vodka?
325
00:12:39,847 --> 00:12:42,747
I'm like more than flirting
with a yeast right now.
326
00:12:42,749 --> 00:12:45,851
Like when I pee it's like somebody's
blowing glass down there.
327
00:12:45,853 --> 00:12:47,052
Thank you, cool.
328
00:12:47,054 --> 00:12:48,720
Coolio, you're the best.
329
00:12:48,722 --> 00:12:50,021
Okay, go, yeah-yeah-yeah,
330
00:12:50,023 --> 00:12:52,491
this is about you, not us--
331
00:12:52,493 --> 00:12:55,761
To the two most beautiful
classy women.
332
00:12:55,963 --> 00:12:59,764
I'm so thankful I've had the chance
to go on this journey with you both.
333
00:12:59,766 --> 00:13:01,666
- So cheers.
- Cheers.
334
00:13:01,668 --> 00:13:02,701
Cheers, queers.
335
00:13:02,703 --> 00:13:03,401
(shattering)
336
00:13:03,403 --> 00:13:04,469
Sorry, sorry-sorry-
sorry-sorry,
337
00:13:04,471 --> 00:13:07,272
like, not totally my fault.
I'm sorry...
338
00:13:07,274 --> 00:13:11,443
My hands are now like
little paws, they're like...
339
00:13:11,445 --> 00:13:12,978
Whoa... so...
340
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:15,480
But seriously, can I just
get one more of those,
341
00:13:15,482 --> 00:13:17,883
like, but like, vodka.
342
00:13:17,885 --> 00:13:19,718
We're all adults so.
343
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:23,321
Tonight, I have an incredibly
hard decision to make
344
00:13:23,323 --> 00:13:28,393
about who I want to escort
into the Love Tub, so...
345
00:13:28,395 --> 00:13:30,428
Like, when is it lice?
346
00:13:30,430 --> 00:13:32,297
Like leg-wise.
347
00:13:32,299 --> 00:13:36,969
Oh, Amy, you have...
an amazing spirit.
348
00:13:37,071 --> 00:13:40,438
I'd never even heard of the game
leaky submarine until I met you.
349
00:13:41,475 --> 00:13:44,678
- What's leaky submarine?
- He plugs all my holes.
350
00:13:47,597 --> 00:13:50,966
I thought I'd ask you both about
your dreams for the future.
351
00:13:50,968 --> 00:13:52,534
My dream for the future is
352
00:13:52,536 --> 00:13:56,805
right now if somebody brings
us curly fries, right?
353
00:13:56,807 --> 00:13:58,740
It's like, that'd be good,
just soak up all the booze.
354
00:13:58,742 --> 00:14:01,510
We're just like drinking and
it's like, ugh, perfect storm.
355
00:14:01,512 --> 00:14:05,447
Tiffany, if I ask you to
join me in the Love Tub
356
00:14:05,449 --> 00:14:08,517
would you be willing to move to
Utah to start our lives together?
357
00:14:08,519 --> 00:14:10,619
Yes, I grew up around horses.
358
00:14:10,621 --> 00:14:14,656
When I ride I feel
like I'm flying.
359
00:14:14,658 --> 00:14:15,958
Amy...
360
00:14:22,966 --> 00:14:24,032
Moving on.
361
00:14:24,034 --> 00:14:27,869
Tiffany, what do you think is the
secret to a lasting relationship?
362
00:14:27,871 --> 00:14:30,238
My parents have been
married for over 40 years
363
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:35,544
and they taught me that the key
ingredients are trust and respect.
364
00:14:35,546 --> 00:14:36,912
That's so beautiful.
365
00:14:36,914 --> 00:14:38,313
What do you think Amy?
366
00:14:38,315 --> 00:14:39,181
Okay well I think I'm--
367
00:14:39,183 --> 00:14:42,317
maybe I may have told you
this at one point, but...
368
00:14:42,319 --> 00:14:48,057
I dated this guy Ricky for like...
five months, okay?
369
00:14:48,159 --> 00:14:49,324
Real piece of (bleep).
370
00:14:49,426 --> 00:14:52,861
He was like my dealer and then
he wasn't and then he was.
371
00:14:52,863 --> 00:14:53,862
La, la, la.
372
00:14:53,864 --> 00:14:55,397
He made out with my sister...
373
00:14:55,399 --> 00:14:56,298
She's a slut.
374
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,900
She would be like
amazing on this show.
375
00:14:58,902 --> 00:15:00,969
If they're doing the next one.
376
00:15:00,971 --> 00:15:03,472
377
00:15:03,474 --> 00:15:04,006
(Exhaling)
378
00:15:04,008 --> 00:15:09,611
Tiffany, Amy, I've never had
to make a harder choice.
379
00:15:09,613 --> 00:15:12,247
- You are both--
- I'm sorry.
380
00:15:12,249 --> 00:15:14,883
Do we actually
order curly fries
381
00:15:14,885 --> 00:15:18,454
or where do we stand with that
whole situation right now?
382
00:15:19,256 --> 00:15:20,222
Whoo.
383
00:15:20,224 --> 00:15:21,189
Okay, they have the fries.
384
00:15:21,191 --> 00:15:23,158
They're just not bringing 'em
because we're filming.
385
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,459
Like, no one cares, it's fine.
386
00:15:24,461 --> 00:15:26,361
Like, it's fine, it's fine?
387
00:15:26,363 --> 00:15:27,129
It's fine.
388
00:15:27,131 --> 00:15:29,364
I've made my decision.
389
00:15:29,366 --> 00:15:33,802
390
00:15:39,208 --> 00:15:41,443
Tiffany...
391
00:15:41,845 --> 00:15:44,413
would you please join
me in the Love Tub?
392
00:15:44,515 --> 00:15:46,782
Yes.
393
00:15:46,784 --> 00:15:47,916
Yeah.
394
00:15:47,918 --> 00:15:51,053
(laughing)
395
00:15:51,155 --> 00:15:52,855
Congratulations.
396
00:15:53,057 --> 00:15:54,556
397
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:06,134
Are we going to
see Ben right now?
398
00:16:06,136 --> 00:16:09,571
(man) No, Ben's in the
Love Tub with Tiffany.
399
00:16:09,573 --> 00:16:10,839
He chose her.
400
00:16:10,841 --> 00:16:12,507
Yeah right, he chose her.
401
00:16:12,509 --> 00:16:15,477
He would never choose
her, she's a--
402
00:16:15,479 --> 00:16:17,412
She's a bitch.
403
00:16:17,414 --> 00:16:18,613
She's dumb.
404
00:16:18,615 --> 00:16:20,816
She looks like--
one time, this lady,
405
00:16:20,818 --> 00:16:27,556
I was like, eww, oh,
Tiffany, you're so... ew.
406
00:16:27,558 --> 00:16:30,059
Can somebody hold my hair?
407
00:16:32,929 --> 00:16:34,029
Okay, guys, I'm--
408
00:16:34,231 --> 00:16:37,300
I know I said some bad things about
you but please hold my hair.
409
00:16:39,435 --> 00:16:42,805
(retching)
410
00:16:43,607 --> 00:16:44,940
(Amy) I'm okay.
411
00:16:44,942 --> 00:16:46,776
412
00:16:47,078 --> 00:16:49,580
413
00:16:49,582 --> 00:16:51,615
Okay, I am super excited.
414
00:16:51,617 --> 00:16:52,382
You guys were amazing.
415
00:16:52,384 --> 00:16:56,787
I'm so proud to be bringing
up the final act.
416
00:16:56,789 --> 00:16:59,723
She's my good friend and we are
on the road now together.
417
00:16:59,725 --> 00:17:01,191
We get to travel together.
418
00:17:01,193 --> 00:17:03,293
You know who she is.
419
00:17:03,295 --> 00:17:04,461
She is incredible.
420
00:17:04,463 --> 00:17:08,098
My friend, my hero,
Bridget Everett.
421
00:17:10,602 --> 00:17:13,503
I know a lot of you
look up here.
422
00:17:13,505 --> 00:17:16,440
You say there's a woman that's
really got her (bleep) together.
423
00:17:19,544 --> 00:17:20,978
I get it, you know.
424
00:17:20,980 --> 00:17:25,149
Great tits, nice trim ankles,
voice of an angel.
425
00:17:25,950 --> 00:17:30,221
But if I'm being honest, you
know, I got some problems.
426
00:17:31,589 --> 00:17:33,724
There was a time when I went
through what I'd like to call
427
00:17:33,726 --> 00:17:35,993
a transitional
phase, you know?
428
00:17:35,995 --> 00:17:39,896
Back in the '80s,
my nipples came in.
429
00:17:39,898 --> 00:17:43,767
Not my titties,
but my nipples.
430
00:17:43,769 --> 00:17:44,768
My brothers went around school
431
00:17:44,770 --> 00:17:46,169
and they got everybody to
call me little nippy-titty,
432
00:17:46,171 --> 00:17:47,838
little nippy-titty,
little nippy-titty,
433
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,239
little nippy-titty.
434
00:17:49,241 --> 00:17:51,608
My mom said, "What's wrong?"
435
00:17:51,610 --> 00:17:53,076
I said, "Nothing."
436
00:17:53,078 --> 00:17:55,245
And then she sat
down next to me.
437
00:17:55,247 --> 00:17:58,015
She put her hand down
the back of my pants,
438
00:17:58,017 --> 00:17:58,815
not in a (bleep)-up way
439
00:17:58,817 --> 00:18:02,185
but just 'cause I got real
soft skin, you know?
440
00:18:02,187 --> 00:18:04,187
She said, "What's wrong?"
441
00:18:04,189 --> 00:18:06,223
I said, "Well, Brock and Brian
got everybody at school
442
00:18:06,225 --> 00:18:09,026
calling me little nippy-titty.
443
00:18:09,028 --> 00:18:10,527
You know what she said?
444
00:18:10,529 --> 00:18:12,729
You wanna know what she said?
445
00:18:12,731 --> 00:18:19,069
Ooh, don't you cry
446
00:18:19,671 --> 00:18:21,438
And she said, "Come with me.
447
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:22,673
Let's have a drink."
448
00:18:22,675 --> 00:18:24,107
Hit the track.
449
00:18:24,109 --> 00:18:26,743
450
00:18:26,745 --> 00:18:29,113
She said Bridget...
451
00:18:29,315 --> 00:18:30,147
(cheering)
452
00:18:30,149 --> 00:18:32,582
She said Bridget,
you're a woman now.
453
00:18:32,584 --> 00:18:35,952
You gotta stand tall and be proud
of what your mama gave you.
454
00:18:35,954 --> 00:18:38,121
Do you hear me?
455
00:18:38,123 --> 00:18:41,058
You got them
little nippy titties
456
00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:42,259
Put 'em in the air
457
00:18:42,261 --> 00:18:44,795
She got them tube
sock titties
458
00:18:44,797 --> 00:18:46,163
She put 'em in the air
459
00:18:46,165 --> 00:18:48,765
I got these beaver
tail titties
460
00:18:48,767 --> 00:18:50,334
I put 'em in the air
461
00:18:50,336 --> 00:18:54,237
Put 'em up, put
'em up, put 'em up
462
00:18:54,239 --> 00:18:57,140
You got them
low riding titties
463
00:18:57,142 --> 00:18:58,342
Put 'em in the air
464
00:18:58,344 --> 00:19:01,311
You got them cracker
jack titties
465
00:19:01,313 --> 00:19:02,412
Put 'em in the air
466
00:19:02,414 --> 00:19:05,382
You got them rubber
duckie titties
467
00:19:05,384 --> 00:19:06,550
Put 'em in the air
468
00:19:06,552 --> 00:19:10,387
Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up
469
00:19:10,389 --> 00:19:13,557
You got them (bleep) me
little titties, yeah
470
00:19:13,559 --> 00:19:14,624
Put 'em in the air
471
00:19:14,626 --> 00:19:17,527
You got them meatball
titties, ow
472
00:19:17,529 --> 00:19:18,562
Put 'em in the air
473
00:19:18,564 --> 00:19:21,531
You got them health
insurance titties
474
00:19:21,533 --> 00:19:22,733
Put 'em in the air
475
00:19:22,735 --> 00:19:26,703
Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up
476
00:19:26,705 --> 00:19:29,339
And then we bounce,
bounce, bounce
477
00:19:29,341 --> 00:19:31,408
We bounce, bounce, bounce
478
00:19:31,410 --> 00:19:33,477
We bounce, bounce, bounce
479
00:19:33,479 --> 00:19:34,845
You bounce, bounce, bounce
480
00:19:34,847 --> 00:19:37,814
You got them
slingshot titties
481
00:19:37,816 --> 00:19:38,949
Put 'em in the air
482
00:19:38,951 --> 00:19:41,918
You got them
big mama titties
483
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:42,919
Put 'em in the air
484
00:19:42,921 --> 00:19:45,956
You got them slip'n'slide
titties, ow
485
00:19:45,958 --> 00:19:47,190
Put 'em in the air
486
00:19:47,192 --> 00:19:51,094
Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up
487
00:19:51,096 --> 00:19:54,131
You got them ugly
sweater titties
488
00:19:54,133 --> 00:19:55,198
Put 'em in the air
489
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,135
You got them mama's
girl titties
490
00:19:58,137 --> 00:19:59,035
Put 'em in the air
491
00:19:59,037 --> 00:20:02,272
You got them Nurse Jackie
titties-- I don't know
492
00:20:02,274 --> 00:20:03,473
Put 'em in the air
493
00:20:03,475 --> 00:20:07,344
Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up
494
00:20:07,346 --> 00:20:09,980
And then we bounce,
bounce, bounce
495
00:20:09,982 --> 00:20:11,982
We bounce, bounce, bounce
496
00:20:11,984 --> 00:20:14,084
We bounce, bounce, bounce
497
00:20:14,086 --> 00:20:15,452
We bounce, bounce, bounce
498
00:20:15,454 --> 00:20:18,488
You got them triple
brand peach pit
499
00:20:18,490 --> 00:20:20,090
Jersey girl titties
500
00:20:20,092 --> 00:20:24,060
Wolfman Jack, caveman,
lumberjack titties
501
00:20:24,062 --> 00:20:27,764
(bleep) eatin', fire hose,
slipshot, titties
502
00:20:27,766 --> 00:20:32,068
Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up
503
00:20:32,070 --> 00:20:33,703
And then we
504
00:20:33,705 --> 00:20:36,573
(cheering and applause)
505
00:20:36,575 --> 00:20:40,710
506
00:20:44,882 --> 00:20:47,150
You guys, we did it!
507
00:20:47,152 --> 00:20:48,552
It's like Cancun.
508
00:20:48,554 --> 00:20:50,887
Triplicate.
509
00:20:50,889 --> 00:20:51,988
Oh!
510
00:20:51,990 --> 00:20:53,857
(laughing)
511
00:20:53,859 --> 00:20:54,925
(man) Cut.
512
00:20:54,927 --> 00:20:56,326
(woman) So easy.
513
00:20:56,328 --> 00:20:57,894
(man) Mmm, magic.
514
00:20:57,919 --> 00:20:59,455
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
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