All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s01e01 Bad Decisions.eng

Well, first of all,
I want to thank you both

for coming in here today for
this little interview

slash audition
slash you're hired.

Flavia, we of course know each
other from our last project,

thank you so much for flying
yourself in from Brazil.

And Amy, welcome.

Thank you.

How'd you find out about
this little project?

I saw it in a--an ad
in a magazine.

It just said, "actress slash
models for marketing viral video"?

Yeah, yeah, that's our ad in
"stage couch," fantastic.

Well, Flavia, I mean, this is gonna
be a little old hat for you,

but let me give Amy here
a quick rundown.

In a nutshell, it's
a marketing video.

We're calling it
"two girls, one cup."

And we're hoping it goes viral.

It opens on you
and Flavia naked,

kissing each other over
some soft piano music.

Nothing too intense,
just some light kissing.

Then Amy, you're
gonna stand up and spread

your cheeks and (bleep)
into a cup.

Then both of you will lick
the (bleep) out of the cup,

spread it all over your
faces and then kiss

each other some more with
(bleep) on your face.

Next, Flavia, you're gonna blow
some bubbles with the (bleep).

And then Amy, you're gonna
sit on a dildo while Flavia

vomits the (bleep)
into your mouth,

then you vomit the (bleep)
back into Flavia's mouth,

then Flavia re-vomits that (bleep)
one more time back into your mouth.

Yeah, that's it, the end.

Just one quick question.

Will we be using some sort of a CGI
effect or, like, stage chocolate.

No, you'll be eating a full
cup of real (bleep).

No fancy special effects here.

We're indie, you know,
so it's super low budge.

Size-wise, are we
talking a teacup?

16-ounce glass.

Is this, like,
gonna be an art film?

Like it might wind
up in the moma?

No.

But it's like commentary,
it's kind of meta, you know,

like that scene in "American
Beauty" with the plastic bag.

No, I haven't seen that movie.

Well, the image, it's
a plastic bag whirling around

in the wind, it was
kind of like--

Is it a bag of (bleep)?

- No.
- Then no.

- Is it art?
- It's scat porn.

It's basically
the opposite of art.

You won't see our faces.

Oh, we will definitely
see both your faces.

But they'll be, um,
blurred, you know?

The blur effect, or like a black
bar when it's like, over our--

I mean, they'll have
dark (bleep) on them.

There's gonna be
(bleep) on our eyes?

Will we be tested for
diseases beforehand?

No, we use the
honor system here.

Flavia knows the drill.

Yeah, see.

You guys are gonna be
viral video stars, huh?

Who's ready?

Yay!

What do you say?

Yeah.

I'll do it, I'll do it.

I definitely need more
on-camera experience, so.

You're gonna get it right now.

There's one little hitch.

We need you to definitely
lose some weight.

And I'm thinking,
ballpark, three, five pounds.

That's a lot of weight.

Mainly in the face.

Maybe I'll just lose it
the day of into the cup.

That's gross, Amy.

She's eating.

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I'm a little sluttier
than the average bear,

I really am, little sluttier.

I can be honest about that.

Like, I'm no stranger to plan B,
I'll say that.

I'm not like, what is that?

Like, I know what it is.

It's the morning after pill.

You can take it the night before

if you're feeling amped,
you know?

Just like, walk by
a mirror, catch a glimpse

of yourself in
a new tube top, like, whoa!

Pop.

You can do that.

You feel like such a dirty
whore buying plan B,

it is so embarrassing,
'cause it's over the counter

but you have to ask
your pharmacist

and they know what you want,
but they make you ask.

They're looking at me, I'm like,

you see where my eyeliner is,
just give it to me.

Staring contest.

What do you think, I'm here 'cause
it's allergy season, really?

All right, well.

Bye.

Bye.

Whew.

Here's the craziest
thing about last night.

Like his body just--

it felt like home.

Dude, does this taste
skunked to you?

No.

What does he do?

Okay, we did not get to that,

but according to Google,
like finance, maybe.

What'd you get into last night?

Nothing.

Actually, I got kind
of hammered.

God, I like, miss him.

I'm gonna text him.

Oh, you should wait.

No, the amazing thing
is that we're not playing games.

Oh my God.

No idea who that is.

How hard is it to open
a joint checking account?

And this is for you
and your husband?

Husband?

I guess, I guess.

I have a feeling.

Mm-hmm.

This is it.

This is my wedding cake.

This place is perfect.

Unless he's Jewish.

Whatever, it's my day, right?

You know what?

There's one more thing
I'd like to take a look at.

You know what?

I just-- I feel it.

I feel like Matt and I will
just be at peace here.

Yeah.

God.

You know what?

I'm gonna call my boo-boo,
see what he's up to.

Hello?

Hey.

Just at the cemetery,
thinking boutcha.

What are you thinking
for tonight?

I'm literally down for whatever.

Who is this?

Uh, it's Amy.

We--we hung out last night,
I came back to your place.

Right, yeah.

Sorry, I think
I'm gonna take a pass

on us seeing each other again.

Did I wear a bag?

What a dick!

Ma'am, should I stop digging?

Yeah.

Wait.

What's your name?

My name's Charles.

Amy Charles.

Keep digging.

What is a good amount
of time to wait to put out?

It depends on what you want,
I don't know--

What if you just want that dick?

Have you ever had
a one-night stand.

Yes, I have had
a one-night stand.

I had like a one-afternoon stand
and then I couldn't find him,

but you know,
yankee stadium is so big.

Have you ever had
a one-night stand?

Okay, have you ever not
had a one-night stand?

Have you ever almost died?

Yeah, actually.

We made some kid, steal, like,

a bottle of
liquor and we got drunk

and I made a bet,
I said, first person

that passes out gets stabbed.

And good thing I was
around a bunch of good friends,

'cause I was the first
one that passed out.

Are you high?

Yeah, hell yeah.

What's the worst injury
you ever had?

Can, like, STDs be an injury?

I think it can.

Yeah, yeah.

I felt excruciating pain.

Then I blacked out.

Then my brother said,
"I can't feel my feet,"

and I blacked out.

I heard the stewardess
coming and I blacked out.

I'm a huge Harry Potter fan
and my wife surprised

me with a trip to
the local owl preserve.

I remember I was wearing
my Ron Weasley wig and robe.

I stopped to make a pee-pee
behind a tree

and that's when
I first heard them.

"Hoo-hoo."

"Hoo-hoo."

My brother and I were
floating in a life raft.

We looked around
and we just saw endless ocean

and we knew we were alone.

We tried to calm each other down
by singing "the sweater song."

I looked at my brother
and I said,

"My God, I don't
think anyone is coming."

The first thing I noticed
as I got on the plane

was that they weren't using
zoned seating and I'm platinum.

I should be on there before
those other people.

I should be boarding zone one.

The owls had begun
to circle around me.

At first, I thought
it was magical.

Then they attacked.

Their beaks were
like razorblades.

I screamed out for help,
but nobody came.

They said my bag was too big

and they made me check it
like an animal,

which means I had
to hold my MacBook Air,

my kindle fire and
my iPad all in my lap,

and then I remembered
I forgot something.

My headphones.

My brother said there
was only one way to survive.

We had to drink each
other's pee.

My brother stood over me,
but the boat was rocky

and most of his pee went
directly into my eyes and hair.

He started laughing
and I got mad.

At the time,
I didn't realize that it'd

be the last time I'd ever
hear my brother laugh.

Then they announced
the in-flight movie.

"Zookeeper," with Kevin James.

When I woke up, I saw the
owls were kind of laying around.

And they looked
sort of sleepy and full.

That's when I realized,
my arms were gone.

The owls had eaten my arms.

And then I pretty much knew
that no one was coming for me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

And I see the ranger shack.

All the rangers are standing outside
and they see me and they're like,

"dude, where's your arms?"

And I'm like, "the owls ate them,
I didn't even care,

'cause I was just so happy."

So I'm trying to get
into "Zookeeper,"

'cause I'm a good sport and
I order a glass of chardonnay.

And in a 9/11-like twist,
they didn't have any.

They offered...

...they offered me Pinot.

I said, "I don't want
Pinot, " I said,

"please just give me chardonnay,

I know you guys have it, I know
it's back there.

I'm platinum, like,
I'm (bleep) platinum."

I endured because my brother
peed in my mouth.

I endured because
the owls filled up

on arms and didn't save
any room for legs.

I endured because I wanted
to bang my married ex

and I did and he's divorced now.

Thank you.

- Where do you live?
- Harlem.

- Whoa.
- Yes. Uptown.

You look like you
don't live in Harlem.

- What's your ethnicity?
- West African.

Ooh, nice.

- The west is the best.
- It is.

What is yours?

I'm kind of a Jew.

Oh, Jew, nice, shalom.

As-salam alaykum.

- Are you Asian?
- I am.

I mean, you can't tell everyone.

No, with the glasses, I thought
maybe you were just a little tired.

Those are nice,
those are real nice.

Okay, I'm Bengi.

If you need any other sizes, you
please let me know, all right?

Okay.

There you go.

Thank you.

What's your name?

Taffeta.

Okay.

Oh, this is a yes.

Yes. Yeah.

Thanks for coming.

Hi, how are you?

Did someone help you today?

Yeah, um...

Hmm.

Who was it?

You know, I
don't--I don't see him.

Do you know what he looks like?

Yeah, he is wearing
like a-- like a vest,

or like a plaid shirt,
I feel like--

I don't know what everyone
who works here wore today.

Um, he had short hair,
so that'll probably do it.

Just that.

He's...

Black eye--black eyes?

He has black eyes?

Yeah, he had black eyes.

- So he has black pupils?
- Yeah.

Are there any other
distinguishing features?

I would guess he probably
voted for Obama.

- I know I did.
- What?

Oh my God, that's him,
that's definitely him.

- He doesn't work here.
- Okay.

You know what I just remembered?
Nobody helped me.

So forget it.

Okay, we work on commission
here, so if someone

did help you,
you should probably tell me.

Can I just, like, give you, like
$10 and you just leave me alone?

Darren, Bengi, Debri,
Kaching, get in here, please.

Kaching?

Thank you.

That's him.

You really can't tell us apart?

Whatever, Taffeta.

Your name says Amy on your card.

Yeah.

It would, I was in the witness--

I witnessed, uh...

You were in the witness?

- Protection program?
- Protection--program.

And you just told me that?

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Did someone help you today?
- Yeah, the Asian over there.

Okay, great.

- So, Shelby, you are a model.
- Yes.

And an all-around gorgeous
girl, let's be real about it.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Physically, on a
scale of one to ten,

where do you think you rank?

- Physically.
- Physically?

I would say a seven.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's so sad, because
I think I'm a seven.

Do you feel like you get what
you want more than other people?

Yes.

That's not fair.

Yeah, but I mean, you know,
a lot of (bleep) not fair.

Did they ever pay
you to be at a club,

just like, we want beautiful
people here?

No, but you get, like, the really
nice dinner and free booze.

They'll be like, come here, we'll
buy you dinner and free booze.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

They charge me double.

Should I be offended by that?

Umm, let's see.

Oh, um...

Sorry, our sound guy
is probably masturbating.

Thanks, Matt.

Like, have you been around other
models where you're like, oh (bleep).

Yes.

Victoria Secret girls.

Have you done that show?

No, my boobs are too big.

No one feels bad for you.

No.

- What are male models like?
- Shirks.

Are you attracted to models but you
just know not to mess with them?

Yeah, I mean, of course, you're
like, yeah, take your shirt off.

Honestly, they're
so out of my reach that

they don't even register
as sexual to me.

No, but the thing is,
they're, for the most part,

the young guys are
pretty gullible

so I will always just text them,
"send a dick pic."

"Send me your abs,"
and they do it.

I have to be honest, Shelby,
I don't enjoy a dick pic.

- I don't know why.
- I think it's hilarious.

Yeah, it's hilarious, but
you're not like, "oh my God,

look at this dick, I wish
it were in my body."

You just do it to
(bleep) with them.

Yeah, exactly,
getting back at them.

Are you hungry?

I'm like, commercial,
so I'm healthy.

There's definitely
those moments, like,

when you're doing the
fashion week cleanse.

What's that?

You just drink cayenne pepper
and sugar and then you

have to do the
saltwater cleanse.

You shoot saltwater in your ass?

You drink saltwater.

- And then you (bleep) it out.
- (Bleep), yeah.

Nonstop.

What if you (bleep)
on the runway?

If I was doing it, I can't
leave the house for the day.

Or you might become the
most famous model ever.

No one's ever
(bleep) on my face,

that surprises a lot of people.

I never caught one up top as
they say in the biz.

Again, I'm not against it.

I'm not for it, I'll never be,
like, picketing with a sign

with an arrow
toward my head, but--

but no one's ever gone for it.

I don't know what I would do if I'm,
like, my boyfriend went for it.

My guess is I'd be
like, "No, my dad loved me!"

Like, that kind of a-- a
maneuver like, "ahh!"

Or maybe I would
do something adorable,

like, pull out a tiny umbrella
and, like, not on my watch!

And walk out twirling it
and kicking.

This is what it would look like.

This is what it looks
like, okay, if

you-- if you (bleep) on
your girlfriend's face,

like, your normal girlfriend
without having a talk first.

This is the
best-case scenario, okay?

Best-case scenario.

You do it and she goes,
"oh, okay, okay.

Yeah. Are you still going?

Did you eat something different?
What are you doing?

No, I'm not mad, but get me
something, get me something.

You want me to Stevie Wonder
my way to the bathroom?

Give me a--
is this your underwear?

Go get a towel, wet a towel!

Idiot."

That's the best-case scenario.

And trust me,
she's not gonna shock you.

She's not gonna be like, "yes!

"Finally!

Finally--"
no.

Excuse me.

It's like, kind of iconic,
this bag's in the wind,

it's, like, going in a circle,

- it symbolizes--
- Is it a bag of (bleep)?

(bleep)

It's so easy.

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