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1
00:00:04,884 --> 00:00:06,634
- [JAZZY MUSIC]
- [SNORTS]
2
00:00:06,655 --> 00:00:08,161
[RON] Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...
3
00:00:08,185 --> 00:00:09,617
I'm sorry, what's your
fucking name again?
4
00:00:09,641 --> 00:00:11,166
- Trudy.
- [GOLDIE] Lorne Michaels.
5
00:00:11,214 --> 00:00:13,694
They're shooting his
sketch show for NBC.
6
00:00:13,716 --> 00:00:16,374
They want to do it live
out of New York City.
7
00:00:16,395 --> 00:00:18,283
Wendy's coming Thursday
night to catch your act.
8
00:00:18,338 --> 00:00:20,911
Look, I know that I fucked up bad,
9
00:00:20,923 --> 00:00:24,225
and I am so sorry for the
shit I said on Carson.
10
00:00:24,350 --> 00:00:26,439
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Mort's booking.
11
00:00:26,459 --> 00:00:28,774
Hey, uh, Mort, it's, uh, Bill Hobbs.
12
00:00:29,413 --> 00:00:32,682
- Whoa, please!
- You think love conquers all?
13
00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:36,058
The people you love will
fucking forgive you,
14
00:00:36,069 --> 00:00:37,528
but they will do it in a way
15
00:00:37,539 --> 00:00:39,890
where you can't forgive yourself!
16
00:00:40,253 --> 00:00:42,475
? ?
17
00:00:49,206 --> 00:00:51,892
[JAZZY PERCUSSION]
18
00:00:54,540 --> 00:00:59,300
- Synced & corrected by MementMori & chamallow -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
19
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:06,130
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
20
00:01:09,996 --> 00:01:13,304
[DISTANT SIREN WAILING]
21
00:01:14,293 --> 00:01:16,307
[TENSE MUSIC]
22
00:01:22,996 --> 00:01:24,214
Fuck.
23
00:01:24,339 --> 00:01:27,217
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
24
00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:30,572
? ?
25
00:01:35,885 --> 00:01:39,061
[TISH] So why now? Why Santa Monica?
26
00:01:40,171 --> 00:01:42,639
[GOLDIE] Demand. These
are troubled times.
27
00:01:42,660 --> 00:01:44,187
People want to laugh, you know?
28
00:01:44,202 --> 00:01:45,891
And Goldie's has set the standard
29
00:01:45,903 --> 00:01:48,330
- for live comedy in LA...
- [TISH] Yes.
30
00:01:48,386 --> 00:01:49,852
... and you get Roy Martin,
31
00:01:49,882 --> 00:01:51,470
the best of the best, headlining,
32
00:01:51,504 --> 00:01:53,714
you can't get better bang
for your buck than that.
33
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:55,419
Well, as for Santa Monica,
34
00:01:55,420 --> 00:01:57,560
it's really more for
the comics, you see.
35
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,109
That way, when they bomb,
they only have to go west
36
00:02:00,117 --> 00:02:02,115
a couple blocks and they
can go right in the ocean.
37
00:02:02,137 --> 00:02:05,353
[LAUGHTER]
38
00:02:05,691 --> 00:02:08,169
Hey, um, let's get a
couple of shots here
39
00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:10,760
of the Queen of Comedy
and her Clown Prince.
40
00:02:15,664 --> 00:02:17,564
[SOFT MUSIC]
41
00:02:17,666 --> 00:02:19,089
[TISH] Aw, that's nice.
42
00:02:19,168 --> 00:02:21,458
There you go, happy.
43
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:23,935
One more.
44
00:02:24,368 --> 00:02:26,406
That's great. That's great.
45
00:02:26,509 --> 00:02:29,025
- All righty, is that good?
- [TISH] Yeah, that's great.
46
00:02:29,046 --> 00:02:31,381
- Okay, all righty.
- Fantastic.
47
00:02:31,416 --> 00:02:33,514
- So how have you been, anyway?
- [TISH] I've been okay.
48
00:02:33,515 --> 00:02:35,345
I've been okay. Look at my new ring.
49
00:02:35,350 --> 00:02:37,099
- [GOLDIE] Oh, my God.
- [TISH] Isn't it gorgeous?
50
00:02:37,100 --> 00:02:39,000
[GOLDIE] Oh, my God. It's so beautiful.
51
00:02:39,288 --> 00:02:42,655
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
52
00:02:42,757 --> 00:02:44,223
[RENE] You're bad luck, Benny.
53
00:02:44,325 --> 00:02:46,349
Last time you were here,
you gave me an envelope
54
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,477
with a big red "audit"
printed on the front.
55
00:02:48,494 --> 00:02:50,482
[RON] Don't shoot the mail messenger.
56
00:02:51,369 --> 00:02:53,075
[RENE] And that is not the line.
57
00:02:53,509 --> 00:02:55,200
Eh, that ain't the line you wrote.
58
00:02:55,302 --> 00:02:57,084
Read the words, Ron.
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00:02:57,279 --> 00:02:58,675
[CLEARS THROAT]
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00:02:59,573 --> 00:03:01,503
It's not my fault you tried to write off
61
00:03:01,516 --> 00:03:03,120
your model airplane collection.
62
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:04,639
You're right, Ern. God forbid America
63
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,060
should miss out on these words.
64
00:03:06,945 --> 00:03:09,260
All right, so, what, are we the only
ones taking this shit seriously?
65
00:03:09,284 --> 00:03:11,865
Hey, Rene, I am offended, okay?
66
00:03:12,146 --> 00:03:13,815
Because I take these white depictions
67
00:03:13,832 --> 00:03:15,605
of black stereotypes very seriously.
68
00:03:15,627 --> 00:03:17,641
You... you think this shit is
fu... you think this is funny?
69
00:03:17,662 --> 00:03:20,879
- Huh, you think this is funny?
- Stop. Stop it, all right?
70
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,640
You know what? Everyone take ten.
71
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,220
Ten, that's ten, everyone, please.
72
00:03:24,265 --> 00:03:26,215
You, you stay.
73
00:03:26,665 --> 00:03:28,048
Yeah, all right, I agree.
74
00:03:28,066 --> 00:03:29,742
We got to have a meeting about this guy.
75
00:03:29,867 --> 00:03:31,541
He's got some shit to work out. I mean,
76
00:03:31,563 --> 00:03:32,978
you can't go through life like that.
77
00:03:33,002 --> 00:03:34,737
May I speak plainly, Ronnie?
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00:03:34,862 --> 00:03:37,702
- Can I stop you?
- You're Benny the Mailman.
79
00:03:38,597 --> 00:03:40,979
You're not Marlon Brando.
You're not Jack Lemmon.
80
00:03:41,325 --> 00:03:42,877
You're Benny the Mailman.
81
00:03:43,340 --> 00:03:46,686
Okay, you're not gonna segue
this into a movie career
82
00:03:46,717 --> 00:03:48,317
or stage or anything else.
83
00:03:48,419 --> 00:03:51,453
At best, you'll be the
voice of an animated dog
84
00:03:51,578 --> 00:03:54,758
or the bottom left-hand
corner on Hollywood Squares.
85
00:03:54,806 --> 00:03:58,669
But you see, you're Benny the Mailman.
86
00:03:58,794 --> 00:04:00,413
That's who you are.
87
00:04:00,896 --> 00:04:02,563
And you are not the guy
88
00:04:02,665 --> 00:04:05,381
who's gonna run roughshod over my show.
89
00:04:05,567 --> 00:04:07,565
No, you're gonna come in here,
90
00:04:07,608 --> 00:04:09,990
you're gonna hit your
mark, say your lines.
91
00:04:10,012 --> 00:04:11,846
Then you're gonna go out,
and you're gonna fuck
92
00:04:11,870 --> 00:04:13,912
the remaining self-esteem
out of whatever
93
00:04:13,925 --> 00:04:17,439
extra is dumb enough to think that
you're her ladder to success.
94
00:04:17,470 --> 00:04:18,945
Am I clear?
95
00:04:20,190 --> 00:04:21,798
[WHISPERING] A lot to unpack there.
96
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,606
May I speak plainly, Ernie?
97
00:04:26,692 --> 00:04:28,798
Well, that seems only fair, Ronnie.
98
00:04:28,807 --> 00:04:31,047
Here's who I am, okay?
99
00:04:31,172 --> 00:04:33,649
I'm the guy that took your show
100
00:04:33,661 --> 00:04:36,231
from the lower 40s
101
00:04:36,356 --> 00:04:38,869
all the way up to number
seven in the ratings.
102
00:04:38,899 --> 00:04:40,192
That's who I am.
103
00:04:40,317 --> 00:04:42,060
[ERNIE] I got to give it to you, Ronnie.
104
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:44,334
It usually takes years to develop
105
00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:47,340
- this kind of misplaced hubris.
- I'm a prodigy.
106
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:49,020
[DON] You're letting everyone down, Ron.
107
00:04:49,042 --> 00:04:51,753
- Okay, the crew, the cast, everyone.
- [RON] Fuck the cast.
108
00:04:51,878 --> 00:04:54,584
I apologized to them. They
told me to shove it up my ass.
109
00:04:55,081 --> 00:04:56,447
[MOCKINGLY] Am I clear?
110
00:04:56,549 --> 00:04:57,721
[LAUGHS]
111
00:04:58,326 --> 00:04:59,702
All right, if anybody needs me,
112
00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:01,120
I'll be taking a nap in my double-wide.
113
00:05:01,141 --> 00:05:03,433
- You don't have a double-wide.
- Holy shit, he's right.
114
00:05:03,450 --> 00:05:05,050
Can you take care of that for me, Ernie?
115
00:05:08,617 --> 00:05:10,671
How the fuck did you
not see that coming?
116
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,676
James...
117
00:05:17,670 --> 00:05:19,681
I have a little...
118
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,738
whitefish salad
119
00:05:23,473 --> 00:05:26,474
and some warm champagne.
120
00:05:26,844 --> 00:05:30,261
I thought we could have a little nosh
121
00:05:30,281 --> 00:05:33,093
before we pick up my mother.
122
00:05:33,928 --> 00:05:37,218
Or you can nosh on me.
123
00:05:37,473 --> 00:05:40,945
Marty Simkovitz said I taste like kugel.
124
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:45,183
Oh, also, James, I hope you don't mind,
125
00:05:45,217 --> 00:05:48,768
but I invited Dr. No
for my sister Sadie.
126
00:05:48,799 --> 00:05:51,876
She is partial to lawyers,
but I thought it'd be nice
127
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:53,519
to have a doctor in the family...
128
00:05:53,532 --> 00:05:55,090
- James, where are you going?
- [LAUGHTER]
129
00:05:55,114 --> 00:05:56,787
Where you going? Come back here.
130
00:05:56,822 --> 00:05:59,141
Let me look at you, little pudding.
Where you going?
131
00:05:59,405 --> 00:06:02,310
Moscow? Ugh, this time of year?
132
00:06:02,340 --> 00:06:03,905
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
133
00:06:03,974 --> 00:06:06,837
I will transfer our tickets
to Puerto Vallarta.
134
00:06:06,885 --> 00:06:08,575
It's so beautiful, you'll plotz!
135
00:06:08,596 --> 00:06:10,469
[LAUGHTER]
136
00:06:15,765 --> 00:06:17,153
You gonna clean this up?
137
00:06:19,264 --> 00:06:21,036
Then what are the ants gonna do?
138
00:06:23,099 --> 00:06:24,768
You're a slob, you know that?
139
00:06:26,934 --> 00:06:28,801
Yes, Mother Hobbs.
140
00:06:29,964 --> 00:06:31,470
Look, I know you're going through a lot,
141
00:06:31,486 --> 00:06:34,240
but can you just remember that
two people are living here?
142
00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:36,597
What "lot" are you referring to?
143
00:06:37,327 --> 00:06:40,043
Fuck it. Just clean up your shit.
144
00:06:41,565 --> 00:06:43,243
[SCOFFS]
145
00:06:44,177 --> 00:06:46,028
You know what?
146
00:06:49,047 --> 00:06:50,888
- Got a better idea.
- Yeah?
147
00:06:50,990 --> 00:06:52,407
How about this?
148
00:06:52,718 --> 00:06:54,456
How's this, huh?
149
00:06:54,828 --> 00:06:56,730
How's this for cleaning up, Bill?
150
00:06:57,643 --> 00:06:58,944
Seriously?
151
00:06:59,554 --> 00:07:00,622
- Yeah.
- You're gonna leave
152
00:07:00,636 --> 00:07:02,552
because I gave you shit
about cleaning up?
153
00:07:02,567 --> 00:07:03,941
Yeah, that's right.
154
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,374
For the maid.
155
00:07:11,476 --> 00:07:12,495
[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
156
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:14,010
[RON EXHALES]
157
00:07:14,110 --> 00:07:15,620
[TRUDY] I can't believe your bedroom
158
00:07:15,630 --> 00:07:17,380
looks into your swimming pool.
159
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:21,156
Mine looks down onto the parking
lot of a Pioneer Chicken.
160
00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:23,599
Well, at my last place,
my view was a mole
161
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,260
on the back of my roommate's
neck, so this is a big step up.
162
00:07:26,290 --> 00:07:27,666
[CHUCKLES]
163
00:07:31,463 --> 00:07:33,780
Oh, it must be nice, though.
164
00:07:34,242 --> 00:07:35,842
Being a star.
165
00:07:36,205 --> 00:07:37,814
Coming home to all this.
166
00:07:38,359 --> 00:07:39,479
It's all right.
167
00:07:39,604 --> 00:07:41,814
[SNORTS]
168
00:07:41,978 --> 00:07:44,505
What, you don't like it?
169
00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:47,426
No...
170
00:07:47,844 --> 00:07:49,009
I li...
171
00:07:49,722 --> 00:07:52,623
Okay, I remember when the
Bruins won the Stanley Cup
172
00:07:52,645 --> 00:07:54,802
back in '70, my father
worked for Kevin White,
173
00:07:54,824 --> 00:07:56,826
the mayor of Boston, and
he got us into this
174
00:07:56,847 --> 00:07:58,412
private party for the Bruins.
175
00:07:58,477 --> 00:08:02,140
And there was fucking Orr,
and there's Esposito,
176
00:08:02,196 --> 00:08:04,565
and there's Cheevers,
and then right there
177
00:08:04,591 --> 00:08:07,594
in the middle of the room
was the Stanley Cup,
178
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:10,262
the holy grail of hockey.
179
00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,849
Okay, and I... I'm walking over there
180
00:08:12,897 --> 00:08:14,366
'cause I just want to touch it.
181
00:08:14,608 --> 00:08:17,048
I just want to... I just want
to... I just want to touch it.
182
00:08:17,078 --> 00:08:19,638
And my father says, "No, Ron!
183
00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:21,106
You can't touch it
184
00:08:21,208 --> 00:08:22,375
'cause you didn't earn it."
185
00:08:22,422 --> 00:08:23,594
[SNIFFS]
186
00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:25,471
And I thought he was an idiot, you know?
187
00:08:25,484 --> 00:08:27,313
'Cause it's... I can
touch it. It's right here.
188
00:08:27,321 --> 00:08:28,532
It's right in front of me.
189
00:08:28,582 --> 00:08:31,415
But now I know that he was right,
190
00:08:31,518 --> 00:08:33,081
because...
191
00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:37,708
all this shit that I can touch,
192
00:08:37,757 --> 00:08:40,057
it doesn't fucking feel like anything,
193
00:08:40,159 --> 00:08:42,739
you know? 'Cause I... 'cause
I think I skipped over
194
00:08:42,765 --> 00:08:44,690
the "earning it" part,
and I think I needed it.
195
00:08:44,746 --> 00:08:46,730
Like, I think I j...
I think I need more.
196
00:08:46,778 --> 00:08:47,832
[SNIFFS]
197
00:08:49,052 --> 00:08:51,210
You're unfulfilled.
198
00:08:51,504 --> 00:08:53,242
I am unfulfilled.
199
00:08:56,238 --> 00:08:57,648
- [GASPS] Oh, my God!
- What?
200
00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:58,886
- You know who you are?
- Who?
201
00:08:58,888 --> 00:09:00,843
You're Jonathan Livingston Seagull!
202
00:09:01,479 --> 00:09:03,269
- Who?
- He was this seagull
203
00:09:03,299 --> 00:09:04,518
who wanted more too,
204
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,783
so he set out to be extraordinary.
205
00:09:07,886 --> 00:09:09,543
The other birds were assholes
206
00:09:09,564 --> 00:09:12,129
and said that he was full
of himself just because
207
00:09:12,254 --> 00:09:14,774
- he wanted to soar.
- See, that's just like me.
208
00:09:14,791 --> 00:09:16,237
All the birds at work think I'm a dick
209
00:09:16,261 --> 00:09:17,581
'cause I'm always trying to soar.
210
00:09:17,692 --> 00:09:18,894
But you know what?
211
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,125
Jonathan Livingston Seagull showed them.
212
00:09:21,185 --> 00:09:22,988
He went, and he learned how to fly.
213
00:09:23,019 --> 00:09:25,742
Like, really fly.
214
00:09:26,006 --> 00:09:28,912
And that is when they all
saw what he was made of.
215
00:09:28,973 --> 00:09:30,910
It's basically the Ron Shack story,
216
00:09:30,944 --> 00:09:33,335
told through a bird that'll eat garbage.
217
00:09:33,348 --> 00:09:34,697
[LAUGHS]
218
00:09:34,822 --> 00:09:37,914
I guess we're all just
suffering for our art.
219
00:09:38,221 --> 00:09:39,914
Just 'cause we want to soar.
220
00:09:40,850 --> 00:09:42,390
It's just 'cause I want to soar.
221
00:09:42,472 --> 00:09:44,351
I just want to fucking soar.
222
00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:45,819
- [KNOCKING]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
223
00:09:46,035 --> 00:09:48,689
- You wanted to see me?
- You forget something?
224
00:09:50,164 --> 00:09:51,682
Happy birthday!
225
00:09:51,712 --> 00:09:53,765
It's the fucking liquor order... again.
226
00:09:53,795 --> 00:09:55,581
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
227
00:09:55,590 --> 00:09:58,581
Donnie from the kitchen dropped
a block of frozen drumsticks
228
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,183
on his foot, so I've been handling that.
229
00:10:00,207 --> 00:10:02,165
What the fuck is going
on with you lately?
230
00:10:02,437 --> 00:10:04,132
And where the hell have you been?
231
00:10:04,163 --> 00:10:05,482
Or are you gonna give
me a song and dance
232
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:06,800
for that one too?
233
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,940
It's personal.
234
00:10:09,340 --> 00:10:11,980
Personal? Hmm.
235
00:10:13,910 --> 00:10:16,440
I got... VD.
236
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:17,810
It's not pretty.
237
00:10:18,110 --> 00:10:20,230
The doctor said it's, uh, the worst case
238
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:21,960
he's ever seen in his entire life.
239
00:10:22,020 --> 00:10:23,720
The girl was from Germany, so it's...
240
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,979
Who am I, the Guinness
Book of World Records?
241
00:10:25,980 --> 00:10:28,350
Get some moldy crackers
and do your fucking job.
242
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,660
Otherwise, I will give
it to someone else.
243
00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:33,590
- Are we clear?
- Clear.
244
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,430
As I sometime in the near future
245
00:10:35,470 --> 00:10:36,930
hope to be myself.
246
00:10:37,030 --> 00:10:38,300
Shut the fucking door.
247
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,570
All right, all right, okay.
248
00:10:40,670 --> 00:10:43,670
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
249
00:10:45,820 --> 00:10:48,140
She's onto us, man. She's onto Mort.
250
00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:49,260
- Goldie?
- Yeah.
251
00:10:49,310 --> 00:10:51,260
- How?
- She noticed I haven't been here lately.
252
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:52,720
Told you I was fucking vital.
253
00:10:53,510 --> 00:10:54,650
What'd you say?
254
00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:57,360
Don't worry. I took care of it.
I told her I had the clap.
255
00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:01,200
I'm trying to be quick on my feet here.
256
00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:04,320
That's not even quick on
your knees, all right?
257
00:11:04,420 --> 00:11:06,660
Isn't there a process
that words go through
258
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,920
before they come out of
your stupid fucking mouth?
259
00:11:08,980 --> 00:11:11,020
Oh, yeah, do you ever think
she might be suspicious
260
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:12,920
'cause of you, Mr. Highfalutin?
261
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,900
What, am I mopping ostentatiously?
262
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,020
No, I'm talking about your
fly-ass pimp suit, Dolemite.
263
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,420
For months, you've been eating like
264
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,646
you're a cast member in Oliver.
265
00:11:20,670 --> 00:11:23,399
All of a sudden, her janitor's
got a nice new suit?
266
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,270
Goldie picks up on shit, man.
267
00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:28,359
So Goldie figured out Mort
because of your syphilis
268
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:29,880
and because of my new suit?
269
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,580
Ron, Columbo couldn't put that together.
270
00:11:32,590 --> 00:11:34,840
Shh, just be smart about it.
271
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,600
Lay low, ese.
272
00:11:37,700 --> 00:11:39,250
What the fuck?
273
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,420
My own parking spot in the front?
274
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,800
Just the perks of being
a big-time TV writer.
275
00:11:44,090 --> 00:11:46,130
Shit, that's like having
my own handicapped space
276
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:47,140
without the fake limp.
277
00:11:47,150 --> 00:11:48,200
[LAUGHS]
278
00:11:48,300 --> 00:11:49,380
So you on board?
279
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,200
- Sign me the fuck up.
- [BOTH] Yeah!
280
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,060
[LAUGHTER]
281
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,700
Hey, couldn't help but overhearing.
282
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,000
Congratulations.
283
00:11:57,060 --> 00:11:59,200
Probably 'cause you were
fucking listening in.
284
00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:01,100
Maybe, maybe. [LAUGHS]
285
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:02,839
Just gonna float this out there.
286
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:04,690
If you guys are looking
for writers for the show,
287
00:12:04,710 --> 00:12:06,356
you know, I want to throw
my hat in the ring.
288
00:12:06,380 --> 00:12:08,450
Got pretty extensive
knowledge of black culture.
289
00:12:08,550 --> 00:12:10,720
Oh, saw Guess Who's Coming
to Dinner a few times?
290
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,079
Yeah, you know, uh, growing
up in Cold Lake, Alberta,
291
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,240
there was a black family.
292
00:12:14,250 --> 00:12:16,520
They happened to be my
next-door neighbor, and, uh,
293
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,860
I actually, uh, got to know
their culture pretty well.
294
00:12:18,870 --> 00:12:20,306
- [RALPH] Mm-hmm.
- Got to see the differences
295
00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:21,440
and the similarities.
296
00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:23,660
[DAWN] Wow, one black Canadian family.
297
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:25,600
That's like going to
see Siegfried and Roy
298
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:27,399
and saying now you an expert on tigers.
299
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,400
[LAUGHTER]
300
00:12:28,410 --> 00:12:30,240
[CHORTLES]
301
00:12:30,340 --> 00:12:32,500
Why are you even looking for
another job, anyways, man?
302
00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:33,940
You practically run this place.
303
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,910
What, a guy's not allowed
to expand his options?
304
00:12:36,010 --> 00:12:38,260
- Look for the next thing?
- [RALPH] Uh, look, Arnie.
305
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:39,500
Um...
306
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,050
it's not up to us, you know?
307
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:42,470
We got to get network approval,
308
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:43,780
and then you'd have to submit
309
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,400
a packet of writing samples and...
310
00:12:45,420 --> 00:12:47,120
[EXHALES] Definitely.
311
00:12:47,220 --> 00:12:49,420
[ADAM] Despite your extensive,
312
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,260
you know, exposure to black culture...
313
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:54,590
- Your plethora of knowledge.
- [ADAM] Whoa. Okay, um...
314
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:57,760
I don't think you're the voice
that we-we looking for...
315
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,880
o-or need...
316
00:13:00,730 --> 00:13:02,620
or want.
317
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,800
Right. [LAUGHS]
318
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:06,720
Well, hey, you know, whatever, you know.
319
00:13:06,740 --> 00:13:09,200
Not for nothing, let me
know if that changes.
320
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,020
And, uh, you know...
321
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:14,880
a white mind is a terrible
thing to waste too.
322
00:13:14,940 --> 00:13:16,320
[ADAM] Oh, okay, that's it for me.
323
00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:17,710
Noted.
324
00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:19,280
- [LAUGHTER]
- Thank you.
325
00:13:19,290 --> 00:13:20,326
Thank you very much. I, uh...
326
00:13:20,350 --> 00:13:22,920
I apologize if I, uh, appear
to be a little nervous.
327
00:13:23,020 --> 00:13:24,666
It's because I've been
performing in the Cellar,
328
00:13:24,690 --> 00:13:26,190
so, uh, crowds frighten me.
329
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,860
Holy shit, well.
330
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,959
I've never seen such a
good-looking couple.
331
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:35,200
Two fucking runway models
right here, Jesus Christ.
332
00:13:35,380 --> 00:13:36,970
It's like what Hitler was going for.
333
00:13:37,070 --> 00:13:38,370
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
334
00:13:38,380 --> 00:13:39,500
What are you guys doing after the show,
335
00:13:39,510 --> 00:13:41,400
modeling for a fucking art class?
336
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,969
You know, I have not one
artistic bone in my body,
337
00:13:43,970 --> 00:13:46,179
but I would like to sketch the
two of you using charcoal.
338
00:13:46,180 --> 00:13:47,660
[LAUGHS]
339
00:13:48,980 --> 00:13:51,280
Oh, hello, new waitress.
340
00:13:51,460 --> 00:13:53,410
Can I come home with the two of you?
341
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,780
I swear, I'll just sit in the
corner and watch silently.
342
00:13:55,890 --> 00:13:58,460
I'm very good at it. I'm very good.
343
00:13:58,790 --> 00:14:01,450
Seriously, would you two
like to just come onstage
344
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,860
for the rest of my set and walk around?
345
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,040
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
346
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,860
[SLOW JAZZY MUSIC]
347
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,560
? ?
348
00:14:14,970 --> 00:14:16,200
Hey.
349
00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:18,260
Good idea.
350
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,439
No one'll know we slept
351
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,160
together with that
empty seat between us.
352
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,540
I just assume people don't
want to talk to me.
353
00:14:25,550 --> 00:14:26,560
Saves time.
354
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:30,320
? ?
355
00:14:31,860 --> 00:14:33,420
So how's shit at Bill's?
356
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:35,640
Yeah, it is exactly that: shit.
357
00:14:35,660 --> 00:14:37,240
- Oh.
- Bill and I broke up.
358
00:14:37,260 --> 00:14:40,170
- Aw.
- Decided I wanted to...
359
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,620
see other mothers.
360
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:44,380
- You moved out?
- Yeah, something like that.
361
00:14:44,830 --> 00:14:46,240
Eh, it's all good.
362
00:14:46,340 --> 00:14:48,346
Perfectly coincides with my
car getting out of the shop,
363
00:14:48,370 --> 00:14:50,600
so I'm living in my back seat.
364
00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:53,120
Really just swapping out ass smells.
365
00:14:53,140 --> 00:14:54,700
[LAUGHS]
366
00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:56,580
Well, I'd say crash at my place,
367
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,760
but seeing where that
got us last time...
368
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:03,600
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess.
369
00:15:03,660 --> 00:15:07,450
? ?
370
00:15:07,550 --> 00:15:10,120
You know what? Fuck it.
371
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:13,740
You need a place to stay.
I got plenty of room.
372
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,120
And by that, I mean I have a sofa.
373
00:15:15,140 --> 00:15:16,979
- [CHUCKLES]
- We're both adults.
374
00:15:16,980 --> 00:15:18,890
I can control myself if you can.
375
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,660
Who, me? Oh, I am nothing
376
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,100
if not a model of self-control.
377
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,630
Oh, great. Well, mi sof� es su sof�.
378
00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:28,300
Gracias.
379
00:15:28,410 --> 00:15:30,500
[EDDIE] All right, thank you very much.
380
00:15:30,510 --> 00:15:31,800
That's my time.
381
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,510
At the very least, you have all been
382
00:15:33,610 --> 00:15:35,040
an extremely attractive audience.
383
00:15:35,140 --> 00:15:36,420
Thank you.
384
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,050
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
385
00:15:39,150 --> 00:15:41,419
[RALPH] Eddie Zeidel,
ladies and gentlemen.
386
00:15:41,420 --> 00:15:43,400
Keep it going for Mr. Eddie Zeidel.
387
00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:44,860
You guys are a fantastic crowd...
388
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,450
Thank you, new waitress.
389
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:50,160
You're welcome, main stage comic.
390
00:15:50,260 --> 00:15:53,199
You know, you're spoiling
me, because in the Cellar,
391
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,560
the waitresses just pool all
of the unfinished drinks
392
00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:58,300
into a bucket and throw
in a couple of cherries.
393
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,380
Well, I can do better than that.
394
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,220
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
395
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,760
? ?
396
00:16:07,780 --> 00:16:09,110
Whoo!
397
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:10,920
Let me ask you a question.
398
00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:13,020
What is the record time
from walking off stage
399
00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:14,810
to blow job in a supply closet?
400
00:16:14,820 --> 00:16:17,160
'Cause I, uh, think I just set it.
401
00:16:17,550 --> 00:16:19,720
- Congrats. Who'd you blow?
- Yeah.
402
00:16:19,820 --> 00:16:21,000
- Mm.
- [ADAM] You use a stopwatch,
403
00:16:21,020 --> 00:16:22,999
or did you "one, Mississippi,
two, Mississippi,"
404
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,200
bobbing your head up and down?
405
00:16:24,260 --> 00:16:25,390
Hmm, that's funny.
406
00:16:25,490 --> 00:16:27,490
[LAUGHTER]
407
00:16:27,590 --> 00:16:30,280
Well, why don't you
ask the new waitress?
408
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,240
She's a little cutie, isn't she?
409
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:37,500
[BOTH LAUGH]
410
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,500
Oh!
411
00:16:39,610 --> 00:16:42,330
- Damn!
- What is the record from
412
00:16:42,370 --> 00:16:44,800
blow job to getting
shitcanned by Goldie?
413
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,480
What are you talking about?
414
00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:48,480
That's Goldie's daughter, dickhead.
415
00:16:48,580 --> 00:16:49,780
[LAUGHS]
416
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,379
[GULPS] No, it's not. Shut up.
417
00:16:51,380 --> 00:16:52,626
- [ADAM] Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
418
00:16:52,650 --> 00:16:55,120
Shut the fuck up. No,
it's... no, it's not.
419
00:16:55,220 --> 00:16:57,340
Shut the fuck up. Why didn't
somebody fucking tell me?
420
00:16:57,420 --> 00:16:59,310
- Are you kidding me?
- If you're not out writing
421
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:00,870
with Roy, you're avoiding hanging around
422
00:17:00,890 --> 00:17:02,280
so you don't bump into Cassie.
423
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:03,920
Not our fault you're behind the times.
424
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,600
[ADAM] What, do you not ask girls' names
425
00:17:05,620 --> 00:17:07,420
before you take them to supply closets?
426
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:09,960
- Damn.
- [LAUGHTER]
427
00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:11,730
Chivalry really is dead.
428
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,319
I'm gonna throw up.
429
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,119
I love this so much.
430
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:17,100
[CALM MUSIC]
431
00:17:17,140 --> 00:17:19,140
[RON] You ever been to Venice?
432
00:17:20,220 --> 00:17:21,720
[TRUDY] Once.
433
00:17:22,350 --> 00:17:23,760
When I was six.
434
00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:26,960
It's been my dream to
live there ever since.
435
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,440
Yeah, it'd be pretty
cool to live in Italy.
436
00:17:30,590 --> 00:17:33,460
Not Italy. Venice, Florida.
437
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,699
That's your dream?
438
00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:37,459
To move to Florida?
439
00:17:37,460 --> 00:17:39,060
[SCOFFS]
440
00:17:39,420 --> 00:17:42,360
They have sand dollars.
441
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,559
And you can walk out into
442
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,900
the shallow water for miles.
443
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,980
And it always looks like
the sun is setting.
444
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,420
My dad took me there before he died.
445
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,650
I think it'd be a really
nice place to live.
446
00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:01,810
Raise a family.
447
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:06,150
? ?
448
00:18:06,250 --> 00:18:09,820
I think Venice, Florida,
sounds pretty fucking awesome.
449
00:18:09,860 --> 00:18:11,560
Now you're just making fun of me.
450
00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:13,860
No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I mean it.
451
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:15,460
I mean it.
452
00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,600
Hey, what are you doing this weekend?
453
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:20,480
Working.
454
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,300
Gas company's on my ass, and
I need a new blow-dryer.
455
00:18:23,340 --> 00:18:24,740
Those don't come cheap.
456
00:18:26,020 --> 00:18:28,120
How'd you like to hang up your G-string?
457
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,040
Oh, hey, Amanda. Um, hey. Sorry, um, hi.
458
00:18:33,740 --> 00:18:35,980
Can I steal you for just a-a moment?
459
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,100
Yeah.
460
00:18:37,110 --> 00:18:38,419
- Hi. How are you?
- Hey.
461
00:18:38,420 --> 00:18:39,430
Good.
462
00:18:39,850 --> 00:18:42,649
So I, uh... you know,
463
00:18:42,650 --> 00:18:45,660
I-I-I didn't know that you
were, uh, Goldie's daughter,
464
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,150
and not that I didn't have
a great time with you.
465
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,916
- Mm-hmm. It was a good time.
- But I probably
466
00:18:50,940 --> 00:18:53,280
wouldn't have... you know.
467
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:54,599
Not that it wasn't great,
468
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,620
but I just didn't know, and I...
469
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:57,880
Uh-huh.
470
00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:02,519
... am now feeling like I
should try and tell you
471
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,740
that I... we probably shouldn't...
472
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,640
- you know.
- Eddie, it's okay.
473
00:19:09,740 --> 00:19:11,080
I already told Mom.
474
00:19:11,660 --> 00:19:12,819
I'm sorry, you...
475
00:19:12,820 --> 00:19:14,380
Yeah, she's totally cool with it.
476
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,580
She likes you.
477
00:19:15,690 --> 00:19:17,420
Said you were a decent guy,
478
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,520
which was a big relief to me.
479
00:19:19,620 --> 00:19:22,160
I mean, who wants to date a guy
their mother hates, right?
480
00:19:22,690 --> 00:19:24,830
Was that a... was that a date?
481
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:26,659
Well, yeah. What'd you think?
482
00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:28,076
You think I'd just randomly do that?
483
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,140
I... Uh, no, I do not think that.
484
00:19:30,180 --> 00:19:32,870
But, you know, typically, on a date,
485
00:19:32,970 --> 00:19:36,760
you go to a lovely restaurant,
and you order a bottle of wine
486
00:19:36,780 --> 00:19:37,820
or something, you know?
487
00:19:37,830 --> 00:19:39,380
You don't go somewhere so flammable.
488
00:19:39,410 --> 00:19:41,170
Yeah, well, my mom is so happy
489
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,539
that I've finally met a nice guy
490
00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:46,450
that she wants you to come
for breakfast tomorrow.
491
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,200
Okay, are-are you fucking
with me right now?
492
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:50,559
Well, if you don't want
to come, just say so.
493
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:53,000
Excuse me, no, no, no, no.
I-I would love to come.
494
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,540
I-I would love to come. No, I'll-I'll...
495
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,460
I'll be there.
496
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,760
Should I, uh... should I...
should I bring anything?
497
00:20:02,980 --> 00:20:04,540
Ham.
498
00:20:06,060 --> 00:20:07,240
Ham?
499
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,020
She loves ham.
500
00:20:11,140 --> 00:20:12,939
- Okay.
- Nine a.m. sharp.
501
00:20:12,940 --> 00:20:13,950
Yup.
502
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,240
[GRUNTS]
503
00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:22,740
Oh, okay.
504
00:20:23,420 --> 00:20:26,180
You know what I was thinking
might be good for our club?
505
00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,110
You do know we have to build it
506
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,980
before we can burn it down
for the insurance money?
507
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,590
- Oh!
- [LAUGHTER]
508
00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:33,660
No, I was thinking...
509
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:36,690
how about you on the talk show circuit?
510
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:37,990
Hmm?
511
00:20:39,580 --> 00:20:40,920
Hmm?
512
00:20:41,870 --> 00:20:44,479
Merv, Mike Douglas,
513
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,480
Dinah Shore, they all love you.
514
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:48,780
People already know who I am, all right?
515
00:20:48,860 --> 00:20:49,940
Oh, I know.
516
00:20:49,980 --> 00:20:52,819
It's just, you've been tucked
away in Vegas for so long,
517
00:20:52,820 --> 00:20:54,599
I thought maybe a little reintroduction
518
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,550
to the TV dinner crowd, it
might not be a bad idea.
519
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:01,439
If I buy a dryer at Sears,
I draw a bigger crowd
520
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:03,720
than those fucking comics
you got headlining.
521
00:21:04,060 --> 00:21:05,840
- Okay?
- What's the problem?
522
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:08,420
No, it-it's my club too, Goldie.
523
00:21:08,530 --> 00:21:09,589
I'm saying it isn't?
524
00:21:09,590 --> 00:21:12,499
Okay, so just quit barking
orders, all right?
525
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:14,439
I didn't sign up to be the, uh,
526
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,480
second banana to the
Queen of Comedy here.
527
00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:18,500
Oh.
528
00:21:19,740 --> 00:21:22,300
Look, Tish was just
tossing that out there.
529
00:21:22,410 --> 00:21:23,960
I'll call her, tell her not to...
530
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:25,000
Forget it!
531
00:21:25,020 --> 00:21:27,320
The time to tell her
was when she said it.
532
00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:30,640
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
533
00:21:30,750 --> 00:21:32,980
Neptune's Delight, my cock.
534
00:21:34,150 --> 00:21:35,680
[DOORBELL RINGS]
535
00:21:36,150 --> 00:21:37,740
[SNIFFS]
536
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,070
[GOLDIE] Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, here I come.
537
00:21:57,170 --> 00:21:59,060
Coming. Here I come.
538
00:22:02,410 --> 00:22:04,080
What are you doing here?
539
00:22:04,940 --> 00:22:06,880
I'm, uh, here for breakfast.
540
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,450
I brought the ham.
541
00:22:13,550 --> 00:22:14,550
Ham?
542
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:18,290
Fuck.
543
00:22:22,590 --> 00:22:24,880
Just so I know who to blame...
544
00:22:25,630 --> 00:22:28,820
which one of us couldn't
control ourselves last night?
545
00:22:28,860 --> 00:22:30,350
Well, last I remember, we were watching
546
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:32,160
a nature documentary on TV.
547
00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:33,220
Oh.
548
00:22:33,260 --> 00:22:36,679
And, uh, a couple zebras
got a little horny.
549
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:37,910
Oh.
550
00:22:38,010 --> 00:22:39,740
And...
551
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,280
here we are.
552
00:22:43,940 --> 00:22:47,020
- Fucking zebras.
- Pound town.
553
00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:48,220
[LAUGHS]
554
00:22:48,290 --> 00:22:49,680
Aw, shit.
555
00:22:50,140 --> 00:22:52,700
I got to drop off rent by 11.
556
00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:56,620
Um, the, uh...
557
00:22:56,730 --> 00:22:58,399
hot water in the shower
558
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,060
runs out after ten minutes.
559
00:23:01,230 --> 00:23:05,520
And, um, there are
pliers on top of the TV
560
00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:08,900
that change the station.
561
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:13,480
And I think that's all
the important news.
562
00:23:13,980 --> 00:23:16,180
I hope you enjoy the amenities.
563
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:19,400
Yeah, thank you. Fantastic.
564
00:23:19,420 --> 00:23:20,610
All right.
565
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:24,799
- Bye.
- Oh, the old shake, all right.
566
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,190
Have a good day.
567
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:27,440
[BOTH LAUGH]
568
00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:30,920
Uh, try not to light anything on fire.
569
00:23:31,130 --> 00:23:32,190
No.
570
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:34,620
[DOOR CLOSES]
571
00:23:35,430 --> 00:23:38,330
[SOMBER MUSIC]
572
00:23:38,430 --> 00:23:41,000
? ?
573
00:23:41,100 --> 00:23:43,000
[EXHALES]
574
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,100
- You're what?
- [RON] I'm getting married.
575
00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:48,080
You gonna be my best man or what?
576
00:23:48,580 --> 00:23:49,660
Okay.
577
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:52,410
I pride myself on having talked you out
578
00:23:52,510 --> 00:23:54,539
of some pretty stupid shit
over the past couple years,
579
00:23:54,540 --> 00:23:56,636
but this feels like something you
shouldn't need my help with.
580
00:23:56,660 --> 00:23:57,660
What's wrong with me getting married?
581
00:23:57,670 --> 00:23:58,670
Is it 'cause she's a stripper?
582
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,036
'Cause she's a lot more than that.
583
00:24:00,060 --> 00:24:01,479
She loves cats, and she's planning on
584
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:02,496
doing something with that.
585
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,759
Ron, this is you going off again, okay?
586
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:06,329
No, it's not. No, it's not, Eddie.
587
00:24:06,330 --> 00:24:08,820
I fucking thought about it,
man, and I love her, okay?
588
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,476
It's time. I hate when
you act like I haven't
589
00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:12,479
- thought stuff through.
- Oh, like a couple weeks ago
590
00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,010
when you came within minutes
of buying a bear cub?
591
00:24:14,030 --> 00:24:15,360
I wish he was here right now.
592
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:16,830
I wish the bear was here right now,
593
00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:18,680
'cause he's a lot more
supportive than you are.
594
00:24:18,740 --> 00:24:20,160
He was trained, Eddie.
595
00:24:20,220 --> 00:24:21,600
Every time you said something stupid,
596
00:24:21,620 --> 00:24:22,940
he could let out a little roar.
597
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,136
All right, all right, all right.
598
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:25,400
Let me ask you a question.
599
00:24:25,660 --> 00:24:28,540
Do you think this decision has
anything to do with the fact
600
00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:31,020
that you've been jacked up on
cocaine for the past month?
601
00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:32,740
No, not at all.
602
00:24:32,780 --> 00:24:34,850
I can't explain it to
you, but it just...
603
00:24:34,950 --> 00:24:36,399
it just feels right, you know,
604
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,220
and-and very little in my life
605
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:40,519
does feel right right now.
606
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:43,180
It's-it's like she's my
anti-echo chamber, you know?
607
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,399
- Your what?
- You know, like when your
608
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,640
fucking head starts saying
all this really, really
609
00:24:47,650 --> 00:24:50,160
negative shit about yourself,
like, and you're like,
610
00:24:50,170 --> 00:24:51,210
"Yeah, head, you're probably right.
611
00:24:51,230 --> 00:24:52,550
I probably am a fucking talentless,
612
00:24:52,570 --> 00:24:54,700
unfunny, worthless piece of shit."
613
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:56,240
Trudy's the one that's there going,
614
00:24:56,340 --> 00:24:59,120
"Uh-uh, Ron's head. Ron's great."
615
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:03,040
Does your head really
talk to you like that?
616
00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:04,999
Yeah, he's not on my side.
617
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,560
Let's-let's just say that.
618
00:25:08,850 --> 00:25:10,400
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
619
00:25:11,650 --> 00:25:13,080
All right.
620
00:25:13,490 --> 00:25:14,960
Yeah, I'll be your best man.
621
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:16,960
- Yeah? Okay.
- Okay, all right. Take it easy.
622
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:18,580
Now I just need you to
convince Goldie to let me
623
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,000
have the wedding on the main stage.
624
00:25:20,190 --> 00:25:21,620
- Are you serious?
- Yep.
625
00:25:21,700 --> 00:25:23,070
Are you just trying to up the ante
626
00:25:23,100 --> 00:25:24,100
on the fucked-up-ed-ness?
627
00:25:24,110 --> 00:25:26,340
No, man, Goldie's is where
it all started for me.
628
00:25:26,370 --> 00:25:28,600
You know, it's the place
of both my humble origins
629
00:25:28,660 --> 00:25:31,350
and my greatest success. Plus,
Trudy-Trudy likes that shit.
630
00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:32,569
She'll get a kick out of it.
631
00:25:32,570 --> 00:25:34,110
Isn't she tired of stages by now?
632
00:25:34,210 --> 00:25:36,079
Trust me, I get the appeal,
but you get one more week
633
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:37,180
of stripper jokes.
634
00:25:37,210 --> 00:25:40,040
As much as I'd love
to help, it's just a...
635
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:43,360
a little complicated
with Goldie right now.
636
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:45,520
What happened?
637
00:25:45,620 --> 00:25:49,160
Well, her daughter blew me in
the supply closet last night and
638
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:52,020
had me come over Goldie's
this morning with a ham.
639
00:25:53,490 --> 00:25:55,139
That may feel like a
complete story to you,
640
00:25:55,140 --> 00:25:56,710
but there's still some
dots that need connecting.
641
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,030
Well, I didn't know she
was Goldie's daughter,
642
00:25:59,130 --> 00:26:01,330
and she's a waitress in the
club, and she's very pretty,
643
00:26:01,430 --> 00:26:02,920
and she's funny.
644
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,540
But I actually think
she's a little crazy.
645
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,380
[LAUGHS]
646
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,500
I got to tell you, Eddie,
it's stories like this
647
00:26:09,510 --> 00:26:11,640
that make me glad I'm settling down.
648
00:26:11,740 --> 00:26:12,880
[INHALES]
649
00:26:12,980 --> 00:26:14,610
Whoo!
650
00:26:14,710 --> 00:26:16,210
[EXHALES]
651
00:26:16,310 --> 00:26:19,210
[SOMBER MUSIC]
652
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:23,180
? ?
653
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:27,320
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]
654
00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:38,000
[EXHALES]
655
00:26:38,100 --> 00:26:39,120
I'm getting married.
656
00:26:39,130 --> 00:26:40,876
I'm actually, uh... I'm
actually getting married.
657
00:26:40,900 --> 00:26:42,800
Yeah, no, just...
658
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,420
I came to tell you I'm
getting married. [LAUGHS]
659
00:26:45,980 --> 00:26:47,210
Oh, fuck.
660
00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:48,260
Fuck yes.
661
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,560
- [GOLDIE] When?
- Saturday night.
662
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:53,979
This Saturday?
663
00:26:53,980 --> 00:26:55,260
Money's no object.
664
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:56,930
Oh, please don't say shit like that.
665
00:26:56,940 --> 00:26:59,490
I like just assuming
you're an idiot, huh?
666
00:26:59,590 --> 00:27:01,060
I would like to help you out, Ron,
667
00:27:01,070 --> 00:27:02,259
but there's no way I'm closing the
668
00:27:02,260 --> 00:27:03,319
club on a Saturday night.
669
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,579
Then keep it open. Keep it open.
670
00:27:05,580 --> 00:27:07,099
I'd mainly just invite
the comics, anyway,
671
00:27:07,100 --> 00:27:08,700
and Trudy doesn't
really have any family.
672
00:27:11,270 --> 00:27:12,700
All right.
673
00:27:15,660 --> 00:27:17,180
- You mean it?
- Sure.
674
00:27:17,740 --> 00:27:19,440
I'll have Roy emcee, huh?
675
00:27:20,780 --> 00:27:22,760
Ah...
676
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,960
the thing about Roy
emceeing the wedding...
677
00:27:27,750 --> 00:27:29,730
I know... you know, I know
that people think he's great,
678
00:27:29,750 --> 00:27:31,819
and I know that you-you
guys are very close.
679
00:27:31,820 --> 00:27:33,400
But I hate Roy.
680
00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:35,450
Um...
681
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:37,460
also, do weddings really
even have emcees?
682
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:40,560
Ron, as invested in
your love life as I am,
683
00:27:40,660 --> 00:27:42,420
and clearly you too,
684
00:27:42,830 --> 00:27:45,630
this is a business deal, hmm?
685
00:27:45,730 --> 00:27:47,930
You'll get the press in
here, throw a little light
686
00:27:48,030 --> 00:27:49,700
on Santa Monica while
687
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,380
Mr. and Mrs. Stepped in Shit
688
00:27:52,420 --> 00:27:54,600
grace the cover of the LA Times.
689
00:27:55,810 --> 00:27:58,210
That's my offer. You
take it or leave it.
690
00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:04,110
[SNIFFS]
691
00:28:05,820 --> 00:28:06,999
Great.
692
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,720
Now, scat.
693
00:28:09,420 --> 00:28:11,940
You just dumped a shitload
of work on my desk.
694
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:17,100
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
695
00:28:17,340 --> 00:28:19,340
[SOMBER MUSIC]
696
00:28:19,420 --> 00:28:23,320
? ?
697
00:28:30,070 --> 00:28:31,570
Here he is.
698
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:34,320
? ?
699
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:41,230
Oh, Eddie, what's the
matter? You look down.
700
00:28:41,250 --> 00:28:42,480
You lose your ham?
701
00:28:42,590 --> 00:28:45,219
[LAUGHS] Um, about that,
702
00:28:45,220 --> 00:28:48,250
I just... I-I just
wanted to, um, apologize
703
00:28:48,260 --> 00:28:50,820
and explain why I showed up
at your house this morning
704
00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:52,050
with that ham.
705
00:28:52,060 --> 00:28:53,160
Amanda.
706
00:28:53,620 --> 00:28:56,020
Oh, she-she told you.
707
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:57,220
I know my daughter.
708
00:28:57,900 --> 00:29:00,820
Uh, Goldie, uh, I, uh...
709
00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:02,899
I would just like to come out and say it
710
00:29:02,900 --> 00:29:05,000
so you hear it from me
and not anywhere else,
711
00:29:05,010 --> 00:29:06,470
but I-I had...
712
00:29:06,570 --> 00:29:09,060
I-I had carnal relations with Amanda.
713
00:29:11,150 --> 00:29:13,000
[SCOFFS] She's 18.
714
00:29:13,060 --> 00:29:15,600
I'm not in charge of shutting
that barn door anymore, eh?
715
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:20,190
Nor-nor-nor-nor should you
be, but, um, I-I-I-I...
716
00:29:20,290 --> 00:29:22,060
I didn't know that she
was your daughter,
717
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:23,320
and if I had known,
718
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,470
I-I would never in a million
years have gone near her...
719
00:29:25,490 --> 00:29:27,860
- Relax, Zeidel.
- I'm sorry.
720
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:31,560
Trust me, it wasn't you
she was screwing, huh?
721
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:33,900
Okay.
722
00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,000
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
723
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:42,000
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]
724
00:29:44,910 --> 00:29:46,110
Nick.
725
00:29:47,260 --> 00:29:49,100
You want toaster waffles?
726
00:29:53,550 --> 00:29:54,680
Nick.
727
00:29:56,260 --> 00:29:58,520
I got blueberry.
728
00:30:14,610 --> 00:30:15,800
Nick.
729
00:30:19,710 --> 00:30:21,140
Nick!
730
00:30:22,050 --> 00:30:23,240
[GRUNTS]
731
00:30:24,980 --> 00:30:27,180
Fuck! Okay.
732
00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:32,550
- What's this?
- [ROY] It's USC,
733
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:33,660
Beth's tuition.
734
00:30:35,580 --> 00:30:37,930
UCLA's not good enough? It's free.
735
00:30:38,030 --> 00:30:41,030
Check bounced. It was a
couple measly thousand.
736
00:30:41,130 --> 00:30:42,639
Roy, the word "measly"
737
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,820
does not come before thousand anymore.
738
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:47,400
You are drowning in tax debt.
739
00:30:47,500 --> 00:30:48,920
You got three alimonies,
740
00:30:48,940 --> 00:30:50,510
and you went and told Vegas to fuck...
741
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:52,340
You're a broken fucking record!
742
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:54,780
Do you understand you're telling me
743
00:30:54,790 --> 00:30:56,539
that I can't dig up money for
744
00:30:56,540 --> 00:30:58,340
my daughter's fucking tuition?
745
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:01,339
- Is that what you're saying?
- Hey, messenger here.
746
00:31:01,340 --> 00:31:02,640
[MUFFLED] Okay.
747
00:31:02,660 --> 00:31:04,980
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
748
00:31:05,140 --> 00:31:06,960
What's my out?
749
00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:09,460
I thought you hated broken records.
750
00:31:10,380 --> 00:31:12,479
I got your three properties up for sale,
751
00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:13,599
but they're mortgaged to the hilt.
752
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:14,960
You'll see a little something.
753
00:31:15,060 --> 00:31:16,760
- Okay, good.
- But, uh...
754
00:31:16,860 --> 00:31:19,600
with no Vegas, it's blood
from a turnip, man.
755
00:31:21,070 --> 00:31:23,520
The name Roy Martin
still means something.
756
00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:25,299
- You remember that.
- Yeah.
757
00:31:25,300 --> 00:31:27,820
Especially to your ex-wives and the IRS.
758
00:31:30,020 --> 00:31:32,780
I'll just get my ass
back out on the road.
759
00:31:33,740 --> 00:31:35,660
Well, I hate to say it, buddy, but
760
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:37,980
I'm not sure that's even gonna cut it.
761
00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:42,860
[PHONE RINGS]
762
00:31:43,540 --> 00:31:44,850
Hello?
763
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:46,380
[GIGI]Who is this?
764
00:31:47,020 --> 00:31:48,380
You called me.
765
00:31:48,460 --> 00:31:50,676
[GIGI] I'm a friend of Nick's.
He's kind of in bad shape.
766
00:31:50,700 --> 00:31:52,760
What kind of bad shape?
I have an audition.
767
00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:54,329
[GIGI] He's fucked up, okay?
768
00:31:54,330 --> 00:31:56,300
This can't happen in my apartment.
769
00:31:59,900 --> 00:32:02,200
Should I take him to the hospital?
770
00:32:02,310 --> 00:32:04,980
No, I told him he had to ease back in.
771
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:06,680
He sucks at listening.
772
00:32:06,740 --> 00:32:09,580
All right. Wait, wait.
773
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:13,360
Here, grab his fucking arm, please.
774
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:14,600
I got...
775
00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:16,040
No, you don't.
776
00:32:16,420 --> 00:32:18,090
[GRUNTING]
777
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:21,060
[NICK] Mm, mm, mm.
778
00:32:21,620 --> 00:32:24,660
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh, shit!
779
00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:26,600
[SPITS]
780
00:32:27,260 --> 00:32:29,239
Oh, fuck.
781
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:30,840
It's good he gets it out.
782
00:32:31,500 --> 00:32:33,800
Walk. Walk.
783
00:32:36,370 --> 00:32:38,020
So...
784
00:32:39,270 --> 00:32:42,620
you want to tell me what this
hair up your ass is about?
785
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:44,820
No, it's an old tune.
786
00:32:45,180 --> 00:32:47,020
- Money?
- Mm.
787
00:32:47,750 --> 00:32:49,039
Beth's tuition.
788
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:50,720
How much?
789
00:32:50,850 --> 00:32:52,020
It's covered.
790
00:32:52,790 --> 00:32:54,660
Are you open to a proposal?
791
00:32:55,660 --> 00:32:57,119
Ron Shack.
792
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:58,760
- The fucking mailman hack?
- Mm-hmm,
793
00:32:58,780 --> 00:33:00,330
who's on a ratings winner.
794
00:33:00,430 --> 00:33:01,700
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
795
00:33:01,780 --> 00:33:03,510
And he wants to get
married here at the club
796
00:33:03,530 --> 00:33:04,740
tomorrow night.
797
00:33:05,100 --> 00:33:06,520
So you're a VFW now?
798
00:33:06,530 --> 00:33:09,100
No, it's gonna be a big deal.
799
00:33:09,140 --> 00:33:10,516
There's gonna be a bunch of press...
800
00:33:10,540 --> 00:33:12,480
A-and you're telling me this why?
801
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:14,810
Well, I was thinking,
802
00:33:14,910 --> 00:33:18,120
you emcee this train wreck for me,
803
00:33:18,510 --> 00:33:20,040
you can keep the whole thing.
804
00:33:20,060 --> 00:33:22,280
Door, drinks, the whole shebang.
805
00:33:22,380 --> 00:33:24,100
What is this, some kind of pity fuck?
806
00:33:24,180 --> 00:33:27,800
No, no, you'll get some quick cash.
807
00:33:27,820 --> 00:33:29,960
We get publicity for our new club.
808
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:32,120
And this thing is gonna be splashed
809
00:33:32,220 --> 00:33:35,299
over every entertainment
section in the country.
810
00:33:35,300 --> 00:33:37,630
Yeah, you know, I'm not exactly big
811
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:41,080
on playing second fiddle
to a fucking catchphrase.
812
00:33:41,180 --> 00:33:42,439
Fuck him.
813
00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:44,440
Let Nero fiddle.
814
00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:47,200
This is about our long game, sweetheart.
815
00:33:54,610 --> 00:33:55,920
You're next, Cassie.
816
00:33:55,980 --> 00:33:57,899
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, I hate to rush you,
817
00:33:57,900 --> 00:34:00,179
but you're the last one,
you're half an hour late,
818
00:34:00,180 --> 00:34:02,040
and Lorne has to fly back to New York.
819
00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:03,740
I'm ready.
820
00:34:05,060 --> 00:34:07,920
Okay, ladies, this is not
regular Goldie's tonight.
821
00:34:08,030 --> 00:34:10,960
There's gonna be more press
here tonight than ever before.
822
00:34:11,060 --> 00:34:13,930
I had 300 of these made up.
823
00:34:14,030 --> 00:34:15,439
Everyone leaving tonight,
824
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:18,110
I want one in their hands
or on their back, all right?
825
00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:19,936
I want you to push everything.
The food, the drinks...
826
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:22,239
Food? What about when the
comics are performing?
827
00:34:22,240 --> 00:34:24,849
This ain't regular Goldie's.
This here's a freak show
828
00:34:24,850 --> 00:34:26,310
with a two-drink minimum, okay?
829
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:28,680
Now go about your business.
Have a great night, ladies.
830
00:34:28,780 --> 00:34:31,450
And you, come here. You're 18.
831
00:34:31,550 --> 00:34:33,940
So what you do as an
adult is your business.
832
00:34:34,550 --> 00:34:36,380
What are you talking about?
833
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:38,520
Who you sleep with is your business,
834
00:34:38,530 --> 00:34:40,499
unless it's in my club with my comics.
835
00:34:40,500 --> 00:34:43,240
Then you keep your dick
in your skirt, huh?
836
00:34:43,890 --> 00:34:47,620
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
837
00:34:52,770 --> 00:34:54,570
[EXHALES]
838
00:34:57,220 --> 00:34:58,570
Thanks.
839
00:34:58,670 --> 00:34:59,940
Feeling better?
840
00:35:01,780 --> 00:35:03,380
Yeah, yeah, feeling good.
841
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,510
Yeah, what are you doing, Nick?
842
00:35:08,750 --> 00:35:10,310
[SCOFFS]
843
00:35:10,420 --> 00:35:11,880
Do I look like a man with answers?
844
00:35:11,980 --> 00:35:13,160
[LAUGHS]
845
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:14,300
How long?
846
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:17,160
Mm...
847
00:35:19,100 --> 00:35:20,340
it was the first time...
848
00:35:21,060 --> 00:35:24,660
in about a-a year, yeah.
849
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:27,060
Swear to God.
850
00:35:27,170 --> 00:35:28,260
[INHALES]
851
00:35:29,060 --> 00:35:31,230
- How long till you hear back?
- You could have died.
852
00:35:32,570 --> 00:35:34,119
That's not what you need right before
853
00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:35,940
- an audition, right?
- The audition is fine.
854
00:35:36,580 --> 00:35:38,900
But fuck you, Nick, if
you're lying to me.
855
00:35:42,150 --> 00:35:43,240
Cassie...
856
00:35:44,380 --> 00:35:45,920
[DOOR CLOSES]
857
00:35:48,620 --> 00:35:50,360
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
858
00:35:50,370 --> 00:35:52,736
Are you sure it's a good idea
to be having the bachelor party
859
00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:53,960
two hours before the wedding?
860
00:35:54,020 --> 00:35:56,299
And also, do you think any
of this is a good idea?
861
00:35:56,300 --> 00:35:57,499
I just can't believe
we're having a bachelor
862
00:35:57,500 --> 00:35:58,599
party with no strippers.
863
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:00,536
Yeah, well, I tried to get
Trudy, but she had a wedding.
864
00:36:00,560 --> 00:36:03,080
Hey, hey, Trudy is a retired stripper.
865
00:36:03,140 --> 00:36:05,600
Hey, Ron, what's the pension
plan like for strippers?
866
00:36:05,700 --> 00:36:07,170
- You're looking at it.
- [LAUGHTER]
867
00:36:07,270 --> 00:36:09,240
Okay, stop being mean.
868
00:36:09,460 --> 00:36:13,040
To Ron and his new beautiful bride.
869
00:36:13,140 --> 00:36:15,339
May she always stay unemployed.
870
00:36:15,340 --> 00:36:16,880
- Hear, hear.
- [EDDIE] All right.
871
00:36:16,980 --> 00:36:18,410
- [ROY] Come on.
- [DAWN] Hey.
872
00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:20,710
- [ROY] Unemployed stripper.
- Mm.
873
00:36:20,820 --> 00:36:22,950
- Whoo!
- Ahoy-a!
874
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:24,939
[CASSIE] Oh, thank you.
875
00:36:24,940 --> 00:36:26,420
Thank you. I appreciate that.
876
00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:28,900
It's better just to know up front.
877
00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:34,920
Yeah, no, well, I-I really
appreciate the opportunity,
878
00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:38,780
and, um, please tell Lorne
that I said thank you.
879
00:36:40,430 --> 00:36:42,860
Okay, I will. Bye.
880
00:36:43,270 --> 00:36:46,170
[SOMBER MUSIC]
881
00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:48,170
[SIGHS]
882
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:51,720
? ?
883
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:55,100
[SNIFFLES]
884
00:37:01,720 --> 00:37:05,440
? ?
885
00:37:07,860 --> 00:37:09,760
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
886
00:37:09,860 --> 00:37:12,760
[SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
887
00:37:12,860 --> 00:37:17,280
? ?
888
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:22,110
I was a dancer in Vegas
when you were there.
889
00:37:22,210 --> 00:37:23,960
- No shit.
- [LAUGHS]
890
00:37:24,020 --> 00:37:26,520
I used to sneak in and
watch you perform.
891
00:37:26,580 --> 00:37:28,910
You were opening for
Paul Anka at the time.
892
00:37:29,010 --> 00:37:30,810
Oh, what a prick.
893
00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:33,220
That was a long time ago and far away.
894
00:37:33,300 --> 00:37:35,420
Eh, not so long.
895
00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:39,050
I always had a soft spot for men
896
00:37:39,060 --> 00:37:41,200
who could make people laugh.
897
00:37:41,930 --> 00:37:44,430
- How soft?
- [LAUGHS]
898
00:37:44,530 --> 00:37:47,760
My best friend growing up, Tina,
899
00:37:47,930 --> 00:37:50,280
her dad was so funny.
900
00:37:50,970 --> 00:37:52,969
And you could count on one
hand the number of times
901
00:37:52,970 --> 00:37:54,770
someone laughed at my house.
902
00:37:57,380 --> 00:37:59,020
I'm sorry to hear that.
903
00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:00,740
It's a real gift.
904
00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:02,480
You have that gift.
905
00:38:05,650 --> 00:38:07,340
Where can I return it?
906
00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:10,020
I'm serious, though.
907
00:38:10,100 --> 00:38:13,200
Anything that keeps shit
at bay is a gift, right?
908
00:38:13,860 --> 00:38:15,280
Amen to that.
909
00:38:15,420 --> 00:38:18,730
Laughing, it's... it's like amnesia.
910
00:38:18,830 --> 00:38:20,530
In a good way.
911
00:38:22,700 --> 00:38:24,260
That makes a lot of sense.
912
00:38:24,370 --> 00:38:26,880
- I like that, amnesia.
- Mm.
913
00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:32,040
Want to go do some blow
before the wedding?
914
00:38:32,820 --> 00:38:35,000
Now, that is a gift.
915
00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:38,280
[BOTH LAUGH]
916
00:38:38,380 --> 00:38:40,526
[BILL] Is everybody excited
for the wedding tonight, huh?
917
00:38:40,550 --> 00:38:42,660
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
918
00:38:42,740 --> 00:38:43,960
Wow.
919
00:38:44,100 --> 00:38:46,220
Benny the Mailman is getting married.
920
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:48,950
- Benny!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
921
00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:52,290
To a stripper, a stripper in Hollywood.
922
00:38:52,390 --> 00:38:55,380
[LAUGHS]
923
00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:57,740
Are you sure about this, pal?
924
00:39:02,700 --> 00:39:03,900
Pretty sure.
925
00:39:05,900 --> 00:39:08,040
I mean... pretty sure...
926
00:39:08,410 --> 00:39:11,010
You are getting married.
Kind of want to be...
927
00:39:12,140 --> 00:39:13,500
sure, sure.
928
00:39:13,980 --> 00:39:16,710
No offense, pal, but you
were sure about Cassie.
929
00:39:16,820 --> 00:39:18,150
[LAUGHS]
930
00:39:19,140 --> 00:39:21,140
I'm sorry, that was a fucking
931
00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:22,719
- douche thing to say.
- Don't worry about it.
932
00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:25,920
Even douche things have
some truth to them.
933
00:39:26,020 --> 00:39:28,720
You know what? Let's just fucking admit
934
00:39:28,730 --> 00:39:31,380
that we're all looking for
a soft place to land, huh?
935
00:39:31,660 --> 00:39:33,360
Just somebody to break our fall.
936
00:39:33,460 --> 00:39:35,360
Yeah, but I mean...
937
00:39:35,420 --> 00:39:37,520
Ron, listen to me.
938
00:39:38,870 --> 00:39:41,260
You've only known this
girl for, what, two weeks?
939
00:39:41,870 --> 00:39:43,540
It's just...
940
00:39:44,370 --> 00:39:47,380
it's a big risk, you know?
941
00:39:47,420 --> 00:39:48,840
[SNIFFS]
942
00:39:49,580 --> 00:39:51,250
Here's what I know, Eddie.
943
00:39:54,400 --> 00:39:56,140
If not for big risks,
944
00:39:56,660 --> 00:39:58,259
we would most likely be
945
00:39:58,260 --> 00:40:00,420
back at the Combat Zone right now
946
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:02,239
having this exact same conversation
947
00:40:02,240 --> 00:40:05,700
about me marrying some other stripper,
948
00:40:05,900 --> 00:40:09,200
except she'd have a South Boston accent.
949
00:40:10,570 --> 00:40:13,460
Big risks are what brought us this far.
950
00:40:13,870 --> 00:40:15,440
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
951
00:40:15,460 --> 00:40:18,150
I got to tell you, in the eyes
of the Lord, this thing...
952
00:40:18,580 --> 00:40:21,460
He's asleep. He's not
watching any of this.
953
00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:24,020
Very disappointed, very disappointed.
954
00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:25,900
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
955
00:40:29,550 --> 00:40:32,720
[ROY AND TRUDY LAUGHING]
956
00:40:32,820 --> 00:40:35,940
You said it yourself.
Don't fuck the comics.
957
00:40:37,920 --> 00:40:39,260
Gold, Gold.
958
00:40:40,590 --> 00:40:42,430
Rolling Stone is here.
959
00:40:42,530 --> 00:40:44,479
Ben Fong-Torres wants to sit down
960
00:40:44,480 --> 00:40:45,860
and discuss Santa Monica.
961
00:40:45,870 --> 00:40:48,030
Oh, shit, get him up to the office.
962
00:40:48,130 --> 00:40:50,270
Is everybody having a good time?
963
00:40:50,370 --> 00:40:51,440
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
964
00:40:51,540 --> 00:40:53,240
Oh!
965
00:40:53,340 --> 00:40:55,870
Like I give a fuck.
966
00:40:55,970 --> 00:40:58,420
- [LAUGHTER]
- Where is our beautiful coup...
967
00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:00,200
There they are. Look at you.
968
00:41:00,380 --> 00:41:02,849
- Aren't they wonderful?
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
969
00:41:02,850 --> 00:41:04,500
Ronnie, you're gonna be married
970
00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:06,639
to a beautiful stripper,
971
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:08,349
which is gonna be strange
972
00:41:08,350 --> 00:41:11,620
once you're living together,
because in my opinion,
973
00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:15,360
you're the one with the sweet
set of titties, my friend.
974
00:41:15,460 --> 00:41:17,930
I got to tell you right now, huh?
975
00:41:18,030 --> 00:41:21,100
Oh, look, just take one
of them out, come on.
976
00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:23,520
Come on, I bet you got nipples like...
977
00:41:23,580 --> 00:41:25,280
you got nipples like
dinner plates, don't you?
978
00:41:25,300 --> 00:41:28,270
- Ah, come on.
- [LAUGHTER]
979
00:41:28,340 --> 00:41:29,340
Easy, pal.
980
00:41:29,360 --> 00:41:30,776
- I'm glad you're laughing.
- We're gonna be passing
981
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:32,200
around tissues, okay?
982
00:41:32,210 --> 00:41:33,600
When the box of tissue comes by,
983
00:41:33,620 --> 00:41:35,840
it-it-it's not gonna
be for tears of joy.
984
00:41:35,900 --> 00:41:38,500
It's gonna be to take care of
that fucking cocaine drip,
985
00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:41,880
all right, so give it a good
rub on the two-car "garagie,"
986
00:41:41,900 --> 00:41:44,989
because the photog is around,
and you don't want to have
987
00:41:44,990 --> 00:41:47,390
your fucking rent in your left nostril.
988
00:41:47,490 --> 00:41:49,189
[LAUGHTER]
989
00:41:49,190 --> 00:41:52,180
Every time I sneeze, it's
a fucking car payment.
990
00:41:52,460 --> 00:41:55,500
[LAUGHTER]
991
00:41:56,100 --> 00:41:57,940
Right, Ronnie?
992
00:41:58,470 --> 00:41:59,759
You betcha.
993
00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:01,760
It's wedding time!
994
00:42:01,820 --> 00:42:03,640
[LAUGHTER]
995
00:42:10,140 --> 00:42:12,880
I just want to say, um...
996
00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:17,480
[EXHALES]
997
00:42:17,590 --> 00:42:18,780
I don't know what I want...
998
00:42:18,890 --> 00:42:20,480
I just want to say, um...
999
00:42:21,020 --> 00:42:22,280
marriage.
1000
00:42:23,140 --> 00:42:24,990
Right? Ah.
1001
00:42:25,090 --> 00:42:26,420
Uh...
1002
00:42:26,790 --> 00:42:28,690
[EXHALES] I'm the...
1003
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:31,930
I'm probably the last to give any advice
1004
00:42:32,030 --> 00:42:33,560
o-on marriage, believe me.
1005
00:42:33,570 --> 00:42:35,100
I, uh...
1006
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:38,040
I had three of them, so you...
1007
00:42:38,180 --> 00:42:39,400
you'd think I'd know something.
1008
00:42:39,410 --> 00:42:42,240
But, uh, I don't.
1009
00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:46,020
[SOMBER MUSIC]
1010
00:42:46,100 --> 00:42:49,350
Kindness is what comes to mind.
1011
00:42:49,450 --> 00:42:51,840
? ?
1012
00:42:51,920 --> 00:42:54,180
I think that's important.
1013
00:42:54,290 --> 00:42:56,750
They say the most important
thing is health,
1014
00:42:56,760 --> 00:42:58,720
but I beg to differ,
1015
00:42:58,760 --> 00:43:02,259
because I was a healthy
asshole for many years,
1016
00:43:02,260 --> 00:43:04,679
and that didn't do
much for my marriages.
1017
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:06,360
So...
1018
00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:08,520
I'm gonna go with kindness.
1019
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:11,020
Kindness...
1020
00:43:11,900 --> 00:43:14,280
is what I wish you both.
1021
00:43:15,100 --> 00:43:17,140
Be good to each other.
1022
00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:19,900
Be kind to each other.
1023
00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:23,810
To the happy couple!
1024
00:43:23,910 --> 00:43:25,819
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Yay! Whoo!
1025
00:43:25,820 --> 00:43:27,110
Thank you.
1026
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:32,090
? I do love you ?
1027
00:43:32,760 --> 00:43:34,700
? But it's ?
1028
00:43:36,230 --> 00:43:41,680
? All right ?
1029
00:43:42,930 --> 00:43:44,979
Uh, Ron knew Trudy was the one
1030
00:43:44,980 --> 00:43:46,099
'cause it was love at first...
1031
00:43:46,100 --> 00:43:47,280
[BLUBBERING]
1032
00:43:47,300 --> 00:43:49,020
[LAUGHTER]
1033
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:51,200
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
1034
00:43:51,310 --> 00:43:53,310
[EDGAR] Ron, you disheveled lesbian.
1035
00:43:53,410 --> 00:43:54,660
You look like what would happen
1036
00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:56,710
if Peppermint Patty fucked Pig Pen.
1037
00:43:57,020 --> 00:43:58,310
[LAUGHTER]
1038
00:43:58,410 --> 00:44:00,440
[DAWN] Trudy's a redheaded girl.
1039
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:02,039
Ron's a talking pig
1040
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:03,879
with a best friend who look like a rat.
1041
00:44:03,880 --> 00:44:05,850
What the fuck is this, Charlotte's Web?
1042
00:44:05,950 --> 00:44:08,020
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
1043
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:10,960
? ?
1044
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:14,080
Ron, your dick is like the Titanic.
1045
00:44:14,220 --> 00:44:16,879
It's cold, unsatisfying,
1046
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:18,220
and all the survivors
1047
00:44:18,260 --> 00:44:20,870
are still haunted by the
memories of it to this day.
1048
00:44:20,970 --> 00:44:23,200
[LAUGHTER]
1049
00:44:23,300 --> 00:44:26,040
? Never gonna let, gonna
let, gonna let you go ?
1050
00:44:26,140 --> 00:44:28,999
Trudy's father couldn't be
here today to give her away
1051
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,179
'cause Ron didn't want
to be in the same room
1052
00:44:31,180 --> 00:44:32,610
with the last guy that fucked her.
1053
00:44:32,710 --> 00:44:35,360
[GROANS AND LAUGHTER]
1054
00:44:38,420 --> 00:44:41,120
I would like to "protose
a post" to Eddie.
1055
00:44:41,160 --> 00:44:43,470
- Okay.
- And to a lesser extent, Adam.
1056
00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:45,760
My two best friends. I love you guys.
1057
00:44:45,860 --> 00:44:47,590
- We're here for you.
- Yeah, buddy.
1058
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:48,600
Yeah.
1059
00:44:48,620 --> 00:44:51,480
I would also like to
propose a toast to Gloria,
1060
00:44:52,340 --> 00:44:55,330
- my beautiful, smart...
- [RON] Den mother.
1061
00:44:55,430 --> 00:44:56,870
[LAUGHTER]
1062
00:44:56,970 --> 00:44:58,800
Okay, fuck you.
1063
00:44:58,900 --> 00:45:00,980
[BILL] I got to give it to her.
Tomorrow UPI is gonna
1064
00:45:01,020 --> 00:45:02,619
splash this on every entertainment page
1065
00:45:02,620 --> 00:45:04,060
across all 50 states.
1066
00:45:04,100 --> 00:45:06,030
She took a pile of shit tonight
1067
00:45:06,040 --> 00:45:07,300
and spun it into gold.
1068
00:45:07,340 --> 00:45:08,810
All so she could plug her new club
1069
00:45:08,820 --> 00:45:10,910
under the guise of this fucking fiasco.
1070
00:45:11,020 --> 00:45:13,580
New club's good for everybody.
Another place to perform.
1071
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:15,039
Yeah, for fucking free.
1072
00:45:15,040 --> 00:45:16,940
It's a school, remember?
1073
00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:18,866
Yeah, it's a school that no
one's ever graduated from.
1074
00:45:18,890 --> 00:45:20,660
Let's just say Goldie's
is a school, okay.
1075
00:45:20,700 --> 00:45:22,659
So comics come from all over
to cut their teeth, right?
1076
00:45:22,660 --> 00:45:24,260
To go on to be bigger and better.
1077
00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:26,890
Then what's Santa Monica?
Is that a school too?
1078
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:28,900
No, it's a tourist attraction.
1079
00:45:29,020 --> 00:45:31,300
It's not about honing our craft
1080
00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:32,559
or freedom of expression.
1081
00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:34,000
It's about not paying comics.
1082
00:45:34,100 --> 00:45:36,120
It's about using your name and my name
1083
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:37,539
and Roy fucking Martin's name
1084
00:45:37,540 --> 00:45:39,960
to line her pockets once again.
1085
00:45:40,780 --> 00:45:42,480
Man's got a point.
1086
00:45:43,610 --> 00:45:45,060
- Get off me.
- I don't care.
1087
00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:47,910
Right here, yep, yep.
1088
00:45:48,020 --> 00:45:50,820
[ALL GRUNTING]
1089
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:53,060
Jesus, okay.
1090
00:45:53,880 --> 00:45:55,750
Hey, give me a hug. Give me a hug, man.
1091
00:45:55,760 --> 00:45:57,620
- I love you.
- I love you so much.
1092
00:45:57,730 --> 00:46:00,120
- I love you too. I love you.
- I fucking mean it.
1093
00:46:00,180 --> 00:46:01,640
- All right. I love you.
- I fucking mean it.
1094
00:46:01,660 --> 00:46:03,540
- I mean it. Do you believe me?
- I believe you.
1095
00:46:04,730 --> 00:46:05,980
Hey, hey, hey.
1096
00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:08,140
Who do you think you're
talking to out there, huh?
1097
00:46:08,180 --> 00:46:09,580
What, don't like your own medicine?
1098
00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:13,040
You have no idea what's going
on between Roy and me.
1099
00:46:13,140 --> 00:46:14,980
We have known each other for years,
1100
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:17,940
and we are business partners.
Do you understand?
1101
00:46:18,040 --> 00:46:19,040
Whatever.
1102
00:46:19,110 --> 00:46:21,940
Don't you "whatever" me, young lady.
1103
00:46:22,650 --> 00:46:24,080
There is a big difference
1104
00:46:25,140 --> 00:46:28,240
between fucking comics
and the relationship
1105
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:29,960
that Roy and I have, hmm?
1106
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:31,500
Well, I think it's a little
late for you to be concerned
1107
00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:33,020
about me fucking comics.
1108
00:46:34,140 --> 00:46:36,200
- What are you talking about?
- Seriously?
1109
00:46:36,260 --> 00:46:39,100
Who do you think I lost my virginity to?
1110
00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:40,520
A comic.
1111
00:46:40,820 --> 00:46:43,060
Right here in your club
1112
00:46:43,140 --> 00:46:44,520
when I was 15.
1113
00:46:45,740 --> 00:46:47,900
Come on, Mom, you left
them here to watch me
1114
00:46:47,910 --> 00:46:50,770
while you ran errands.
1115
00:46:50,880 --> 00:46:52,000
What'd you think was gonna happen,
1116
00:46:52,010 --> 00:46:54,010
that they'd help me with my homework?
1117
00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:56,340
Who?
1118
00:46:57,550 --> 00:47:00,120
Relax. It was consensual.
1119
00:47:00,220 --> 00:47:02,750
- What?
- You're really surprised?
1120
00:47:02,850 --> 00:47:04,790
Yeah, I had my first fuck here,
1121
00:47:04,890 --> 00:47:07,240
my first drink, joint,
and line of cocaine.
1122
00:47:07,300 --> 00:47:08,436
- Lower your voice.
- And the people you left
1123
00:47:08,460 --> 00:47:10,316
- to watch me were kids themselves.
- Lower your goddamn fucking voice.
1124
00:47:10,340 --> 00:47:11,736
I used to wonder how someone so savvy
1125
00:47:11,760 --> 00:47:13,700
could have such a gigantic blind spot.
1126
00:47:15,830 --> 00:47:17,270
[SOFTLY] You tell me.
1127
00:47:17,370 --> 00:47:19,500
You tell me who you're talking about.
1128
00:47:19,600 --> 00:47:21,070
Why?
1129
00:47:22,180 --> 00:47:23,900
Who are you gonna avenge?
1130
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:25,370
Me or you?
1131
00:47:34,780 --> 00:47:38,020
Cassie, I got Chinese.
1132
00:47:39,150 --> 00:47:41,000
You like chow mein, right?
1133
00:47:41,360 --> 00:47:42,980
You lied.
1134
00:47:43,520 --> 00:47:44,960
What are you talking about?
1135
00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:49,880
There's dried blood on the
inside of your shirts.
1136
00:47:51,120 --> 00:47:53,130
You said, uh, this was your first time.
1137
00:47:54,180 --> 00:47:55,670
Cass.
1138
00:47:55,770 --> 00:47:56,940
It's old blood. [LAUGHS]
1139
00:47:57,060 --> 00:47:59,300
- You selfish piece of shit.
- Hey.
1140
00:47:59,410 --> 00:48:02,030
All right, look, you have
every right to be upset.
1141
00:48:02,040 --> 00:48:04,500
Oh, do I? Thank you for giving me
1142
00:48:04,520 --> 00:48:07,180
permission to be angry, Nick.
1143
00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:10,050
I blew my audition taking care of you.
1144
00:48:10,150 --> 00:48:12,540
I don't know when I'm gonna
stop doing this shit.
1145
00:48:12,620 --> 00:48:13,920
I really don't.
1146
00:48:16,890 --> 00:48:18,320
I'm sorry.
1147
00:48:19,630 --> 00:48:21,220
It's my fault. I'm, uh...
1148
00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:25,040
- a fuckup.
- No.
1149
00:48:25,340 --> 00:48:28,240
I am a fuckup. I'm a fuckup.
1150
00:48:28,670 --> 00:48:30,100
[SNIFFLES] I...
1151
00:48:31,140 --> 00:48:33,960
I know exactly who you are.
You are who you are.
1152
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:36,360
And I knew that, and I
invited it into my house.
1153
00:48:36,660 --> 00:48:40,180
I invited this in, and I
keep inviting this in.
1154
00:48:40,780 --> 00:48:43,279
You are just the most recent boulder
1155
00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:45,640
that I have placed in my path.
1156
00:48:46,360 --> 00:48:47,820
Okay.
1157
00:48:50,620 --> 00:48:51,840
No.
1158
00:48:52,690 --> 00:48:54,320
Hey.
1159
00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:58,180
- Hey.
- No, don't.
1160
00:48:59,060 --> 00:49:01,040
- Okay.
- Just don't. Don't.
1161
00:49:01,100 --> 00:49:04,070
Just get out, Nick.
Just get the fuck out.
1162
00:49:09,300 --> 00:49:10,320
[SIGHS]
1163
00:49:10,740 --> 00:49:12,260
Fuck.
1164
00:49:14,820 --> 00:49:16,480
[LAUGHTER]
1165
00:49:16,580 --> 00:49:18,480
Hey, you guys seen Trudy?
1166
00:49:18,580 --> 00:49:20,499
Yeah, she went out to the
parking lot with Roy.
1167
00:49:20,500 --> 00:49:21,500
Said they were gonna do lines.
1168
00:49:21,510 --> 00:49:23,550
[ADAM] Oh, no, they drove off.
1169
00:49:23,650 --> 00:49:25,120
If you ask me, it seemed like a little
1170
00:49:25,140 --> 00:49:26,740
jus primae noctis.
1171
00:49:26,860 --> 00:49:29,260
- What?
- You know, medieval times.
1172
00:49:29,360 --> 00:49:31,020
A king was allowed to have sex
1173
00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:32,520
with subordinate women
on their wedding night.
1174
00:49:32,530 --> 00:49:33,876
- All right.
- [EDGAR] You know about that?
1175
00:49:33,900 --> 00:49:35,390
[RALPH] No.
1176
00:49:35,500 --> 00:49:38,300
[ROY YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
1177
00:49:38,620 --> 00:49:40,670
[TRUDY] Roy, are you out
of your fucking mind?
1178
00:49:40,730 --> 00:49:41,970
[TENSE MUSIC]
1179
00:49:42,070 --> 00:49:43,570
What are you doing?
1180
00:49:44,870 --> 00:49:46,550
Roy, can you open the
fucking door, please?
1181
00:49:46,570 --> 00:49:48,299
- He's crazy.
- What the fuck are you
1182
00:49:48,300 --> 00:49:49,379
- doing here?
- There's something wrong
1183
00:49:49,380 --> 00:49:51,139
with him... I mean seriously wrong.
1184
00:49:51,140 --> 00:49:52,440
I think he's gonna kill himself.
1185
00:49:52,550 --> 00:49:54,650
Just go home to your husband, okay?
1186
00:49:54,750 --> 00:49:57,320
Jesus fucking Christ.
1187
00:49:58,540 --> 00:50:00,380
[SIGHS] Roy?
1188
00:50:03,640 --> 00:50:05,390
Fuck. Roy!
1189
00:50:07,190 --> 00:50:08,890
Hey, Eddie.
1190
00:50:10,630 --> 00:50:12,460
Welcome to the top.
1191
00:50:12,560 --> 00:50:15,220
Don't move, Roy. Do not fucking move.
1192
00:50:15,700 --> 00:50:17,370
Jesus Christ.
1193
00:50:17,470 --> 00:50:21,000
? ?
1194
00:50:21,110 --> 00:50:22,710
Hey, Roy.
1195
00:50:22,810 --> 00:50:25,710
? ?
1196
00:50:25,810 --> 00:50:26,810
Roy!
1197
00:50:26,880 --> 00:50:28,180
[GRUNTS]
1198
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:29,510
[BOTH LAUGH]
1199
00:50:29,610 --> 00:50:32,220
Okay, I get it, all right?
1200
00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:36,060
Commitment to the bit.
Okay, come on back.
1201
00:50:36,280 --> 00:50:38,590
? All I want ?
1202
00:50:38,690 --> 00:50:40,360
? Is an audience ?
1203
00:50:41,340 --> 00:50:45,500
? An audience like you ?
1204
00:50:46,100 --> 00:50:47,330
Here I am. You got me.
1205
00:50:47,430 --> 00:50:51,050
? I want to hear you laugh and applaud ?
1206
00:50:51,060 --> 00:50:55,580
? Of all things I do ?
1207
00:50:57,270 --> 00:51:00,100
? You may call me a ham ?
1208
00:51:00,140 --> 00:51:02,810
? I don't give a damn ?
1209
00:51:02,910 --> 00:51:06,000
- Easy, Roy.
- ? I'll confess it's true ?
1210
00:51:06,040 --> 00:51:07,640
Fuck, Roy!
1211
00:51:08,200 --> 00:51:10,760
Jesus fucking Christ, Roy!
1212
00:51:10,820 --> 00:51:12,150
Stop screaming!
1213
00:51:13,240 --> 00:51:14,850
You trying to fucking kill me?
1214
00:51:14,860 --> 00:51:18,300
No, no, no, no, Roy.
Come on over, all right?
1215
00:51:18,340 --> 00:51:21,790
Just come over the railing and
fucking knock it off, okay?
1216
00:51:21,900 --> 00:51:24,140
Have you ever heard of Aesop, Eddie?
1217
00:51:25,870 --> 00:51:28,130
Aesop, you fucking idiot, Aesop!
1218
00:51:28,240 --> 00:51:30,920
Yeah, Aesop, I've heard
of fucking Aesop.
1219
00:51:31,470 --> 00:51:32,840
Well...
1220
00:51:32,940 --> 00:51:35,000
have you heard of the cat-maiden's tale?
1221
00:51:35,780 --> 00:51:37,200
Oh.
1222
00:51:37,440 --> 00:51:38,940
No, I haven't heard of that one.
1223
00:51:39,050 --> 00:51:42,800
- Why don't you come over the railing...
- The gods were disputing whether
1224
00:51:43,960 --> 00:51:47,160
people could really change their nature.
1225
00:51:47,790 --> 00:51:50,190
And Jupiter said yes,
1226
00:51:50,290 --> 00:51:52,900
and Venus said no.
1227
00:51:54,760 --> 00:51:57,030
So they thought they would
put it to the test,
1228
00:51:57,130 --> 00:52:01,470
and they took this cat, you see,
1229
00:52:01,570 --> 00:52:05,040
and they turned it into a maiden.
1230
00:52:05,140 --> 00:52:09,080
And they gave it to this
young guy as his wife.
1231
00:52:09,140 --> 00:52:10,870
Okay?
1232
00:52:10,980 --> 00:52:14,080
So the wedding, it goes off well.
1233
00:52:14,180 --> 00:52:15,760
The young couple...
1234
00:52:18,160 --> 00:52:19,850
- Easy.
- ... they sit down...
1235
00:52:19,950 --> 00:52:22,190
- Uh-huh.
- Fuck.
1236
00:52:22,290 --> 00:52:26,020
... for the wedding feast,
and everything's peachy.
1237
00:52:28,120 --> 00:52:30,559
And Jupiter, being that
cocky motherfucker,
1238
00:52:30,560 --> 00:52:33,300
says, "Look at that.
1239
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:36,160
She's a goddamn maiden.
1240
00:52:36,730 --> 00:52:39,270
Who would have thought that
yesterday she was a cat?
1241
00:52:39,370 --> 00:52:43,880
Surely, people can change their nature."
1242
00:52:45,280 --> 00:52:47,310
- Right...
- Venus...
1243
00:52:47,410 --> 00:52:49,980
being a cunt, said...
1244
00:52:50,510 --> 00:52:52,380
"Hold the fort."
1245
00:52:53,450 --> 00:52:55,380
She's smart.
1246
00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:58,880
She sends a mouse into the room.
1247
00:52:59,420 --> 00:53:00,660
[LAUGHS]
1248
00:53:00,700 --> 00:53:04,100
That bride jumps out of her chair
1249
00:53:04,200 --> 00:53:07,120
and pounces on that motherfucker!
1250
00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:12,419
Please, Roy. Easy, easy, easy.
1251
00:53:12,420 --> 00:53:13,720
[LAUGHS]
1252
00:53:13,740 --> 00:53:15,270
Okay.
1253
00:53:15,370 --> 00:53:16,900
[EXHALES]
1254
00:53:17,000 --> 00:53:18,420
I'm a cat.
1255
00:53:18,900 --> 00:53:20,560
I'm a cat, Eddie.
1256
00:53:22,920 --> 00:53:25,120
I can't do a fucking thing about it.
1257
00:53:27,360 --> 00:53:29,380
Nature dictates who we are.
1258
00:53:30,020 --> 00:53:31,620
We just...
1259
00:53:33,050 --> 00:53:34,600
pull it off.
1260
00:53:37,460 --> 00:53:38,460
Roy!
1261
00:53:39,430 --> 00:53:42,430
[BOTH GRUNTING]
1262
00:53:47,300 --> 00:53:49,840
Oh, fuck.
1263
00:53:51,370 --> 00:53:52,800
You really...
1264
00:53:52,820 --> 00:53:54,640
You didn't think this one out, did you?
1265
00:53:54,660 --> 00:53:57,840
Uh, no, I haven't.
1266
00:53:57,940 --> 00:53:58,960
[GRUNTS]
1267
00:53:59,060 --> 00:54:00,880
If I let go...
1268
00:54:02,500 --> 00:54:03,740
what are you gonna do?
1269
00:54:05,840 --> 00:54:07,720
I don't know.
1270
00:54:07,820 --> 00:54:10,660
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
1271
00:54:11,460 --> 00:54:14,140
I don't want to be this anymore.
1272
00:54:16,830 --> 00:54:18,399
I don't want to be...
1273
00:54:18,400 --> 00:54:20,320
I don't want to be Roy Martin.
1274
00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:24,959
[LUTZ] Antidepressants, lithium,
1275
00:54:24,960 --> 00:54:27,080
alcohol, cocaine.
1276
00:54:28,070 --> 00:54:29,880
That's quite a cocktail.
1277
00:54:31,510 --> 00:54:33,060
And, uh...
1278
00:54:33,510 --> 00:54:36,260
what do I do if he wakes up?
1279
00:54:36,880 --> 00:54:38,480
Do I do something or...
1280
00:54:38,580 --> 00:54:40,610
Uh, get him coffee. Bring him the paper.
1281
00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:43,120
What's your job here?
1282
00:54:45,220 --> 00:54:46,620
I don't know.
1283
00:54:46,720 --> 00:54:48,119
What I just filled him with
1284
00:54:48,120 --> 00:54:50,260
will knock the crazy out
of him for a while.
1285
00:54:50,360 --> 00:54:52,090
Got it.
1286
00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:55,600
Um, hey, Doc, um...
1287
00:54:55,960 --> 00:54:58,760
- I don't have any money, so...
- Don't worry.
1288
00:54:58,870 --> 00:55:01,760
Somebody always picks up the
tab before it hits the papers.
1289
00:55:02,840 --> 00:55:04,200
Best to Ron.
1290
00:55:09,680 --> 00:55:12,060
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [SIGHS]
1291
00:55:16,150 --> 00:55:18,150
[GROANS]
1292
00:55:21,190 --> 00:55:23,050
[SIGHS]
1293
00:55:23,380 --> 00:55:25,520
Consider this our honeymoon.
1294
00:55:26,960 --> 00:55:29,380
It's actually turtle nesting season.
1295
00:55:29,400 --> 00:55:31,156
They come out of the
water and lay their eggs
1296
00:55:31,180 --> 00:55:33,340
on the beach at night.
It's supposed to be cool.
1297
00:55:33,460 --> 00:55:36,070
There's some cash there, too,
if you just want to stay there.
1298
00:55:36,170 --> 00:55:38,600
My lawyer will take care
of the annulment, so...
1299
00:55:41,820 --> 00:55:43,760
Well, if you're ever in Venice...
1300
00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:47,000
Can I ask you something?
1301
00:55:47,580 --> 00:55:50,610
Why did you go with Roy
last night, of all nights?
1302
00:55:52,140 --> 00:55:53,680
I don't know.
1303
00:55:55,390 --> 00:55:57,780
Why did you ever think you loved me?
1304
00:56:12,170 --> 00:56:13,600
[DOOR CLOSES]
1305
00:56:13,640 --> 00:56:16,540
[TENSE MUSIC]
1306
00:56:16,640 --> 00:56:18,740
? ?
1307
00:56:18,840 --> 00:56:20,100
Oh!
1308
00:56:21,860 --> 00:56:23,750
Oh, fuck.
1309
00:56:23,850 --> 00:56:26,680
Excuse me, have you seen a man, tall?
1310
00:56:27,140 --> 00:56:29,440
Eh, oh, fuck. Roy!
1311
00:56:30,620 --> 00:56:32,640
Oh, fuck.
1312
00:56:33,220 --> 00:56:34,840
Oh, my God.
1313
00:56:38,800 --> 00:56:41,730
[LINDA RONSTADT'S "LONG
LONG TIME" PLAYING
1314
00:56:41,830 --> 00:56:46,660
? ?
1315
00:56:50,710 --> 00:56:54,140
? Love will abide ?
1316
00:56:55,240 --> 00:56:58,020
? Take things in stride ?
1317
00:56:58,040 --> 00:57:00,640
[PHONE RINGING]
1318
00:57:01,220 --> 00:57:05,100
? Sounds like good advice ?
1319
00:57:05,120 --> 00:57:09,639
? But there's no one at my side ?
1320
00:57:09,640 --> 00:57:12,660
? And time ?
1321
00:57:12,760 --> 00:57:15,460
? Washes clean ?
1322
00:57:16,580 --> 00:57:20,040
? Love's wounds unseen ?
1323
00:57:20,640 --> 00:57:22,570
[RINGING CONTINUES]
1324
00:57:22,670 --> 00:57:26,320
? That's what someone told me ?
1325
00:57:26,400 --> 00:57:29,110
? But I don't know what ?
1326
00:57:29,120 --> 00:57:33,680
? It means 'cause I've ?
1327
00:57:33,700 --> 00:57:37,610
? Done everything I know ?
1328
00:57:37,720 --> 00:57:40,380
? To try and make you mine ?
1329
00:57:40,490 --> 00:57:42,220
[RINGING CONTINUES]
1330
00:57:42,320 --> 00:57:47,260
? And I think I'm gonna love you ?
1331
00:57:47,360 --> 00:57:51,960
? For a long, long time ?
1332
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:56,740
? ?
1333
00:57:56,790 --> 00:58:01,340
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