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1
00:00:04,334 --> 00:00:05,668
[Bill] Previously on
I'm Dying Up Here...
2
00:00:05,670 --> 00:00:07,169
A well-fitted shoulder lies flat!
3
00:00:07,171 --> 00:00:09,605
- That motherfucker.
- That's your joke.
4
00:00:09,607 --> 00:00:11,006
I want you to write more stuff for me.
5
00:00:11,008 --> 00:00:14,043
This club is the only runway to Carson.
6
00:00:14,045 --> 00:00:16,879
One thing's a little clearer...
I'm not funny anymore.
7
00:00:16,881 --> 00:00:18,245
Whatever, nigga.
8
00:00:18,247 --> 00:00:19,781
You don't ever get to call me that.
9
00:00:19,783 --> 00:00:21,115
- [Goldie] What are you?
- Excuse me?
10
00:00:21,117 --> 00:00:23,017
I have no idea what the fuck you are.
11
00:00:23,019 --> 00:00:25,219
You're gonna be on TV. That's huge, man.
12
00:00:25,221 --> 00:00:27,055
You could be headlining
at King Theodore's.
13
00:00:27,057 --> 00:00:28,222
[Ron] You were in the trades?
14
00:00:28,224 --> 00:00:29,390
"Girls Are Funny Too" was announced.
15
00:00:29,392 --> 00:00:30,725
[Goldie] Cut the stand-up?
16
00:00:30,727 --> 00:00:32,860
Stand-up is what this show is about.
17
00:00:32,862 --> 00:00:34,995
You're fired, Goldie.
18
00:00:41,741 --> 00:00:45,860
- sync and correction by Mr. C -
- www.addic7ed.com -
19
00:00:47,643 --> 00:00:49,710
? Edwin Starr's "War" ?
20
00:00:49,712 --> 00:00:51,744
? War, huh ?
21
00:00:51,746 --> 00:00:52,878
? Yeah ?
22
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,947
? What is it good for? ?
23
00:00:54,949 --> 00:00:56,548
? Absolutely nothing ?
24
00:00:56,550 --> 00:00:58,250
? Uh-huh, uh-huh ?
25
00:00:58,252 --> 00:01:00,219
? War, huh ?
26
00:01:00,221 --> 00:01:01,487
? Yeah ?
27
00:01:01,489 --> 00:01:03,723
? What is it good for? ?
28
00:01:03,725 --> 00:01:05,925
Edgar, ten bucks. You're gonna
jump ship for ten bucks?
29
00:01:05,927 --> 00:01:07,760
Gabe is going up six nights a week.
30
00:01:07,762 --> 00:01:09,327
That's 60 bucks, cash.
31
00:01:09,329 --> 00:01:10,829
- [Sully] That's Gabe.
- [Bill] Gabe's a hack.
32
00:01:10,831 --> 00:01:12,831
[Edgar] Yeah, plus, Mitch
is showing up now.
33
00:01:12,833 --> 00:01:14,398
Something else about Teddy's...
34
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:15,767
that motherfucker Barton
Royce is over there.
35
00:01:15,769 --> 00:01:17,669
Man is no good.
36
00:01:17,671 --> 00:01:19,403
[Edgar] If enough of us go
up, what's she gonna do?
37
00:01:19,405 --> 00:01:20,739
She's got to let us play
both clubs eventually.
38
00:01:20,741 --> 00:01:22,607
[Sully] And... and...
and she has to pay.
39
00:01:22,609 --> 00:01:24,408
[Nick] A few defections, and you think
40
00:01:24,410 --> 00:01:26,010
suddenly Goldie's just
gonna drop to her knees?
41
00:01:26,012 --> 00:01:28,012
Comics from all over
the country come here
42
00:01:28,014 --> 00:01:30,114
to Los Angeles to go up at Goldie's.
43
00:01:30,116 --> 00:01:31,849
- Every day.
- I hate to burst your bubble,
44
00:01:31,851 --> 00:01:33,183
but we're just funny widgets.
45
00:01:33,185 --> 00:01:34,952
[Edgar] Fuck the money.
46
00:01:34,954 --> 00:01:36,520
Mitch at King Theodore's
is a game changer.
47
00:01:36,522 --> 00:01:37,688
It's not a monopoly anymore.
48
00:01:37,690 --> 00:01:39,289
Yeah, but nobody from Teddy's
49
00:01:39,291 --> 00:01:40,758
has been picked to go up on Carson.
50
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,325
- [Sully] And it only takes one!- [sniffs]
51
00:01:42,327 --> 00:01:44,260
[Bill] And you're not the one, Sully.
52
00:01:44,262 --> 00:01:45,762
- [laughter]
- [sniffs]
53
00:01:45,764 --> 00:01:47,664
Truth be told, it's not like
54
00:01:47,666 --> 00:01:50,432
anybody from Goldie's has been
on Carson in a while neither.
55
00:01:50,434 --> 00:01:55,437
??
56
00:01:55,439 --> 00:01:57,040
[women imitating sheep bleating]
57
00:01:57,042 --> 00:01:59,542
[Cassie gasps] Oh.
58
00:01:59,544 --> 00:02:01,943
There you are.
59
00:02:01,945 --> 00:02:06,948
How many times have I told
you girls about curfew?
60
00:02:06,950 --> 00:02:08,950
[Cassie] This is Hollywood.
61
00:02:08,952 --> 00:02:12,220
[sighs] There are wolves everywhere.
62
00:02:12,222 --> 00:02:13,722
Oh, God.
63
00:02:13,724 --> 00:02:15,323
- [Marty] What the hell?
- Don't let me stop you.
64
00:02:15,325 --> 00:02:16,658
- Aw, come on.
- Marty, Marty.
65
00:02:16,660 --> 00:02:17,725
- [man] Cut.
- This is not the time or place.
66
00:02:17,727 --> 00:02:18,993
Marty, let me, will you, please?
67
00:02:18,995 --> 00:02:20,961
[Marty] No, we shoot
in less than a week.
68
00:02:20,963 --> 00:02:23,798
Really? You want to burn
the television bridge?
69
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,365
This is suicide, and you know it.
70
00:02:25,367 --> 00:02:27,802
Beats a lynching. Get
out of my way, Eli.
71
00:02:27,804 --> 00:02:30,237
My God, this is worse than I thought.
72
00:02:30,239 --> 00:02:32,173
How ridiculous do you feel, huh?
73
00:02:32,175 --> 00:02:34,040
Honestly, have... have
they even told you?
74
00:02:34,042 --> 00:02:36,375
I have been fired. Hmm?
75
00:02:36,377 --> 00:02:37,844
They said you were consulting.
76
00:02:37,846 --> 00:02:40,146
Oh, was that the word
these cowards used?
77
00:02:40,148 --> 00:02:42,515
No, fired. They got rid of me
78
00:02:42,517 --> 00:02:44,184
so that they could manipulate you
79
00:02:44,186 --> 00:02:45,719
without anybody here to protect you.
80
00:02:45,721 --> 00:02:47,721
Goldie, that's exactly why we fired you,
81
00:02:47,723 --> 00:02:49,823
so that we could manipulate these girls
82
00:02:49,825 --> 00:02:51,890
into the opportunity of a lifetime.
83
00:02:51,892 --> 00:02:53,558
I was tossing and
turning all night long.
84
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,861
I woke up this morning, and I realized
85
00:02:55,863 --> 00:02:58,897
my best female comics that...
86
00:02:58,899 --> 00:03:01,233
Do they even let you do
any stand-up, Elayne?
87
00:03:01,235 --> 00:03:03,401
One line of stand-up? Nothing? Anywhere?
88
00:03:03,403 --> 00:03:04,737
[chuckles]
89
00:03:04,739 --> 00:03:07,239
How does this prove we
are as funny as men?
90
00:03:07,241 --> 00:03:09,073
All this proves is we
are the fucking sheep
91
00:03:09,075 --> 00:03:10,507
they think we are.
92
00:03:10,509 --> 00:03:12,910
This is the opportunity of a lifetime
93
00:03:12,912 --> 00:03:15,613
he's talking about.
94
00:03:15,615 --> 00:03:17,248
Come on, girls, we'll
come back to Goldie's.
95
00:03:17,250 --> 00:03:18,716
We'll do some real fucking humor.
96
00:03:18,718 --> 00:03:19,851
Come on!
97
00:03:19,853 --> 00:03:21,585
[Marty] Stay right there!
98
00:03:21,587 --> 00:03:23,087
Goldie, we've got a contract.
We will sue your ass!
99
00:03:23,089 --> 00:03:25,688
So sue me. You got my
lawyer standing right...
100
00:03:25,690 --> 00:03:29,092
- [Eli] Oh, jeez.
- [woman] Is she okay?
101
00:03:29,094 --> 00:03:31,561
- Get the fuck away from me.
- Fuck this. God...
102
00:03:31,563 --> 00:03:32,929
- Goldie, are you okay?
- [Goldie] God...
103
00:03:32,931 --> 00:03:34,364
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
104
00:03:34,366 --> 00:03:36,466
Come on, girls. Come on, let's go.
105
00:03:36,468 --> 00:03:37,768
[Goldie] God damn it.
106
00:03:37,770 --> 00:03:39,136
[man] Take 15, everybody.
107
00:03:39,138 --> 00:03:40,871
[Marty] Where's that tall one?
108
00:03:40,873 --> 00:03:44,606
Where's the tall one? You.
You should be up there.
109
00:03:44,608 --> 00:03:47,076
[Goldie] Fucking morons. That's
what you get for working
110
00:03:47,078 --> 00:03:48,710
with people don't know what
the fuck they're doing.
111
00:03:48,712 --> 00:03:50,746
For Christ's sake.
112
00:03:50,748 --> 00:03:54,283
[sighs] Jesus.
113
00:03:54,285 --> 00:03:56,252
They have no idea what
we're trying to do.
114
00:03:56,254 --> 00:03:59,320
Isn't this what we're trying to do?
115
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:03,925
You, Carson, isn't it all
so we can get to this?
116
00:04:03,927 --> 00:04:06,594
If by "this," you mean
this idiotic outfit
117
00:04:06,596 --> 00:04:09,297
and doing so-called comedy
you don't believe in.
118
00:04:09,299 --> 00:04:10,598
Goldie, they're giving me more money
119
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,901
than I've ever seen in my entire life
120
00:04:12,903 --> 00:04:15,603
while putting me in front
of millions of people.
121
00:04:15,605 --> 00:04:17,771
You brought me here, you changed my act,
122
00:04:17,773 --> 00:04:19,773
and you told me that this was my ticket.
123
00:04:19,775 --> 00:04:22,642
Now you got fired, and...
124
00:04:22,644 --> 00:04:24,577
I'm supposed to follow you again?
125
00:04:24,579 --> 00:04:26,646
Where?
126
00:04:26,648 --> 00:04:28,949
Where are you going?
127
00:04:28,951 --> 00:04:30,951
Well, there's one way to find out.
128
00:04:30,953 --> 00:04:32,152
Hmm?
129
00:04:32,154 --> 00:04:35,922
? somber music ?
130
00:04:35,924 --> 00:04:39,358
[scoffs]
131
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:44,030
??
132
00:04:47,001 --> 00:04:49,935
[man] That looks great.
133
00:04:49,937 --> 00:04:52,270
So, a friend of mine from back east
134
00:04:52,272 --> 00:04:56,274
recently graduated from,
uh, barber college.
135
00:04:56,276 --> 00:04:57,843
Barber college.
136
00:04:57,845 --> 00:04:59,811
[laughter]
137
00:04:59,813 --> 00:05:01,813
Now, isn't that just a
little pretentious?
138
00:05:01,815 --> 00:05:05,183
I mean, even doctors
only go to med school,
139
00:05:05,185 --> 00:05:07,784
but somehow a one-year
course on how to cut hair
140
00:05:07,786 --> 00:05:10,154
requires the word "college"
after it, right?
141
00:05:10,156 --> 00:05:11,856
- [laughs]
- Like, the degree of difficulty
142
00:05:11,858 --> 00:05:14,325
between a shag haircut
and open heart surgery
143
00:05:14,327 --> 00:05:15,792
is just that much more.
144
00:05:15,794 --> 00:05:17,494
- I know, the only thing
the two have in common
145
00:05:17,496 --> 00:05:18,863
are high instances of malpractice.
146
00:05:18,865 --> 00:05:20,530
Ha ha! Shim sham!
147
00:05:20,532 --> 00:05:23,467
All right, everybody,
this is Kenny in the AM,
148
00:05:23,469 --> 00:05:26,236
and we're gonna be right back
with comedian Gabe Schwartz.
149
00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:27,837
Now, listen up. He's gonna be performing
150
00:05:27,839 --> 00:05:29,372
all week long at King Theodore's,
151
00:05:29,374 --> 00:05:30,840
so check him out.
152
00:05:30,842 --> 00:05:32,742
But first, a little help
with your morning commute
153
00:05:32,744 --> 00:05:35,511
from The Pretenders...
"A Broken Heart"...
154
00:05:35,513 --> 00:05:38,381
Wah, wah! "Cries."
155
00:05:38,383 --> 00:05:41,083
Funny bit, that barber thing.
156
00:05:41,085 --> 00:05:42,851
[both] Oh, thank you.
157
00:05:42,853 --> 00:05:45,153
? Songs about the
changing of the world ?
158
00:05:45,155 --> 00:05:46,654
What?
159
00:05:46,656 --> 00:05:48,323
It's a secret?
160
00:05:48,325 --> 00:05:50,425
I'm sitting here with
a pad and a pencil.
161
00:05:50,427 --> 00:05:51,693
? Baby, it's growing ?
162
00:05:51,695 --> 00:05:53,528
? Just where it starts ?
163
00:05:53,530 --> 00:05:55,197
Okay, Maestro.
164
00:05:55,199 --> 00:05:57,366
Eva Gabor's getting divorced.
165
00:05:57,368 --> 00:05:59,233
I need three jokes by
traffic and weather.
166
00:05:59,235 --> 00:06:00,501
? For me ?
167
00:06:00,503 --> 00:06:03,070
? No songs for me now, baby ?
168
00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:04,705
? Telling how ?
169
00:06:04,707 --> 00:06:07,574
? A broken heart just cries ?
170
00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:12,513
? Telling how my broken
heart just cries ?
171
00:06:28,263 --> 00:06:31,264
? serious music ?
172
00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:36,201
??
173
00:06:46,414 --> 00:06:48,847
Hey.
174
00:06:52,452 --> 00:06:56,720
? The itsy-bitsy spider ?
175
00:06:56,722 --> 00:07:00,258
? Climbed up the water spout ?
176
00:07:00,260 --> 00:07:04,128
? Down came the rain ?
177
00:07:04,130 --> 00:07:07,831
? And washed the spider out ?
178
00:07:07,833 --> 00:07:11,501
? Out came the sun ?
179
00:07:11,503 --> 00:07:16,306
? And dried up all the rain ?
180
00:07:16,308 --> 00:07:19,709
And the itsy-bitsy spider...
181
00:07:21,613 --> 00:07:25,982
Climbed up the spout again!
182
00:07:25,984 --> 00:07:29,085
[sighs]
183
00:07:29,087 --> 00:07:31,253
[laughter]
184
00:07:31,255 --> 00:07:33,755
It's a little light.
185
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,024
Few more defections.
186
00:07:35,026 --> 00:07:36,025
[scoffs]
187
00:07:36,027 --> 00:07:38,094
Fuck.
188
00:07:38,096 --> 00:07:40,928
Promote, uh, Abel...
189
00:07:40,930 --> 00:07:43,098
Howe, or Lindsey up from the Cellar.
190
00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:44,765
They're... they're... they're ready.
[sniffs]
191
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:49,137
Abel and Lindsey are, uh...
working Teddy's.
192
00:07:49,139 --> 00:07:51,672
They still want to go up here,
but we all know your policy
193
00:07:51,674 --> 00:07:53,375
on working clubs in the same zip code.
194
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,946
I could bring up Adam. He's doing...
all right.
195
00:07:59,948 --> 00:08:03,550
I am not rushing him to
fix a leak in the lineup.
196
00:08:04,620 --> 00:08:06,853
Ungrateful bastards.
197
00:08:06,855 --> 00:08:09,123
[chuckling] They're willing
to blow off Johnny Carson
198
00:08:09,125 --> 00:08:10,790
for ten bucks a set.
199
00:08:10,792 --> 00:08:12,726
- Yeah.
- Ten bucks.
200
00:08:13,795 --> 00:08:14,960
[sighs]
201
00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:20,199
Uh, I guess...
202
00:08:20,201 --> 00:08:21,667
a lot of 'em don't see it that way.
203
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:24,904
Exactly how do they see it?
204
00:08:24,906 --> 00:08:28,307
That you haven't had a guy
on Carson since Clay.
205
00:08:30,145 --> 00:08:31,576
And that maybe now there are other ways
206
00:08:31,578 --> 00:08:34,379
to, you know, get there.
207
00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,081
What do you mean, Mitch?
208
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:39,251
[laughs] Trust me, he's just
window dressing over there.
209
00:08:43,890 --> 00:08:45,990
Shut the door behind you.
210
00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:49,693
[applause and wild laughter]
211
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:55,066
I've been working on my
look, because in Hollywood,
212
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:57,935
we all know that's
what's most important.
213
00:08:57,937 --> 00:08:59,403
So I think we can all
agree that my look is
214
00:08:59,405 --> 00:09:01,105
synonymous with one thing.
215
00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:03,541
Say it with me... bad boy.
216
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,241
- [laughter]
- Yeah, this collection
217
00:09:05,243 --> 00:09:07,410
is actually my, uh, "don't
mess with me" sweater.
218
00:09:07,412 --> 00:09:10,947
Full house, my man,
just like I promised.
219
00:09:10,949 --> 00:09:14,284
- I've had 'em before.
220
00:09:14,286 --> 00:09:16,252
- Oh, by the way,
221
00:09:16,254 --> 00:09:19,355
all the electricals are
up to fire code...
222
00:09:19,357 --> 00:09:21,624
passed with flying colors.
223
00:09:21,626 --> 00:09:23,925
You fixed the wiring?
224
00:09:23,927 --> 00:09:25,660
No.
225
00:09:27,731 --> 00:09:29,631
Good work, Barton.
226
00:09:29,633 --> 00:09:32,867
[both laughing]
227
00:09:32,869 --> 00:09:34,536
[doorbell rings]
228
00:09:34,538 --> 00:09:37,239
[Billie Holiday's "God
Bless the Child" playing]
229
00:09:37,241 --> 00:09:39,107
? Mama may have ?
230
00:09:39,109 --> 00:09:42,810
Bar's open. Pour you one?
231
00:09:42,812 --> 00:09:45,546
Thanks, I know my way around.
232
00:09:45,548 --> 00:09:50,551
? But God bless the child
that's got his own ?
233
00:09:50,553 --> 00:09:52,786
??
234
00:09:52,788 --> 00:09:54,922
? That's got his own... ?
235
00:09:56,658 --> 00:09:58,425
Cheery.
236
00:09:58,427 --> 00:10:00,760
She had 70 cents in her bank account
237
00:10:00,762 --> 00:10:03,130
when she died.
238
00:10:03,132 --> 00:10:05,132
Screwed at every turn.
239
00:10:05,134 --> 00:10:06,833
Ah, the fuckers.
240
00:10:06,835 --> 00:10:08,401
[sniffs]
241
00:10:10,005 --> 00:10:11,571
- Goldie.
- Eh?
242
00:10:11,573 --> 00:10:13,639
Word's out about you and
"Girls Are Funny Too."
243
00:10:13,641 --> 00:10:15,941
Yeah? And what's that word?
244
00:10:15,943 --> 00:10:18,277
Well, that's why I'm here.
245
00:10:18,279 --> 00:10:20,312
You tell me what to say,
246
00:10:20,314 --> 00:10:24,016
and that's what you'll read
in tomorrow's Reporter.
247
00:10:24,018 --> 00:10:27,653
CBS is saying "creative differences."
248
00:10:27,655 --> 00:10:29,121
[sighs, chuckles]
249
00:10:29,123 --> 00:10:31,856
There's nothing about creativity.
250
00:10:31,858 --> 00:10:34,792
It's all about commerce and compromise.
251
00:10:36,496 --> 00:10:39,897
They should all be taken out
and shot like gutter rats.
252
00:10:39,899 --> 00:10:42,634
Okay.
253
00:10:42,636 --> 00:10:44,869
Now...
254
00:10:44,871 --> 00:10:49,072
why don't you tell me...
255
00:10:49,074 --> 00:10:51,575
what you want me to print?
256
00:10:51,577 --> 00:10:54,578
[sighs]
257
00:10:54,580 --> 00:10:57,581
? dramatic music ?
258
00:10:57,583 --> 00:11:01,151
??
259
00:11:01,153 --> 00:11:04,087
They ruined it.
260
00:11:04,089 --> 00:11:07,190
They took an original idea
261
00:11:07,192 --> 00:11:09,925
and covered it in bright lights
262
00:11:09,927 --> 00:11:13,362
and sucked all the
originality out of it.
263
00:11:13,364 --> 00:11:16,432
Karen Cozwell... she's
funnier than shit.
264
00:11:16,434 --> 00:11:18,234
She didn't make the cut
265
00:11:18,236 --> 00:11:19,768
because she wasn't pretty enough.
266
00:11:19,770 --> 00:11:20,936
It's... [scoffs]
267
00:11:20,938 --> 00:11:22,837
They chose style over substance,
268
00:11:22,839 --> 00:11:24,372
looks over funny,
269
00:11:24,374 --> 00:11:25,940
and crushed it
270
00:11:25,942 --> 00:11:28,176
from a fucking belly laugh
271
00:11:28,178 --> 00:11:31,012
into a sideways grin.
272
00:11:31,014 --> 00:11:32,847
If the people in charge of television
273
00:11:32,849 --> 00:11:34,349
were in charge of medicine,
274
00:11:34,351 --> 00:11:37,419
we'd all be dead from fucking syphilis.
275
00:11:37,421 --> 00:11:40,354
Now that we've got that
out of our system...
276
00:11:42,758 --> 00:11:45,392
Friend to friend,
277
00:11:45,394 --> 00:11:47,928
what do you want me to print?
278
00:11:47,930 --> 00:11:50,564
Friend to friend?
279
00:11:50,566 --> 00:11:54,134
Every fucking word.
280
00:11:58,573 --> 00:12:01,974
"Hired only as a pretty face"?
281
00:12:01,976 --> 00:12:05,044
That's all Goldie thinks I am?
282
00:12:05,046 --> 00:12:06,779
And... we're back.
283
00:12:06,781 --> 00:12:08,414
Today I have a special guest.
284
00:12:08,416 --> 00:12:10,116
You've seen him at
Goldie's on the Strip.
285
00:12:10,118 --> 00:12:13,418
He's a very, very funny man, Mr.
Bill Hobbs!
286
00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:14,786
Oh, it's great to be here, Kenny,
287
00:12:14,788 --> 00:12:17,322
at the ungodly hour of
seven in the morning.
288
00:12:17,324 --> 00:12:18,990
[laughs] I've been here since 4:30,
289
00:12:18,992 --> 00:12:20,825
so shut up!
290
00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:22,394
Now, Bill, last time I saw you
291
00:12:22,396 --> 00:12:25,096
I was in a fetal position
while you kicked me.
292
00:12:25,098 --> 00:12:26,465
Yeah, and I was punching you
293
00:12:26,467 --> 00:12:27,966
in that big, doughy face of yours.
294
00:12:27,968 --> 00:12:30,100
Ha ha ha! Been kicking and punching
295
00:12:30,102 --> 00:12:31,435
anybody interesting lately, huh?
296
00:12:31,437 --> 00:12:32,570
Anybody we've heard of?
297
00:12:32,572 --> 00:12:34,305
No, not lately.
298
00:12:34,307 --> 00:12:36,274
All my exercise has come from
being a pallbearer, Kenny.
299
00:12:36,276 --> 00:12:40,411
Sadly, my father passed away recently...
heart attack.
300
00:12:40,413 --> 00:12:41,845
I'm... I'm sorry to hear that, Bill.
301
00:12:41,847 --> 00:12:43,581
Ah, thanks, I appreciate that,
302
00:12:43,583 --> 00:12:46,650
but I got to tell you, being a
pallbearer is a great workout.
303
00:12:46,652 --> 00:12:48,652
You know, people thought
that I was crying,
304
00:12:48,654 --> 00:12:50,353
but I was actually sweating profusely.
305
00:12:50,355 --> 00:12:51,821
And just so people know the difference,
306
00:12:51,823 --> 00:12:54,324
you don't usually grunt when you cry.
307
00:12:54,326 --> 00:12:56,859
I didn't really get cremation,
Kenny, until I had to haul
308
00:12:56,861 --> 00:12:59,329
my father's body up a hill to his plot.
309
00:12:59,331 --> 00:13:02,432
I did lose my dad, but, uh,
I also lost five pounds.
310
00:13:02,434 --> 00:13:03,865
Ho ho. I'm sorry to hear that.
311
00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:05,100
But you know what? Great note for me.
312
00:13:05,102 --> 00:13:06,769
My dad's a solid 365.
313
00:13:06,771 --> 00:13:08,504
I'm gonna keep that in mind.
314
00:13:08,506 --> 00:13:11,006
Listen, we're gonna be back
with the master of dark,
315
00:13:11,008 --> 00:13:14,109
comedian Bill Hobbs, right
after sports and weather.
316
00:13:14,111 --> 00:13:15,477
Hey, Billy, what do you say
317
00:13:15,479 --> 00:13:16,779
we take a few calls when we come back?
318
00:13:16,781 --> 00:13:18,347
I say let's do it, preferably obscene.
319
00:13:18,349 --> 00:13:22,450
- Obscene it is, on Kenny in the AM.
320
00:13:22,452 --> 00:13:24,485
All right, I got to take a leak.
321
00:13:24,487 --> 00:13:27,221
Hey, grab us a couple coffees.
322
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:28,656
Me? Coffees?
323
00:13:28,658 --> 00:13:30,792
You're a waiter. Is it
that big of a stretch?
324
00:13:30,794 --> 00:13:32,627
Milk, two sugars.
325
00:13:32,629 --> 00:13:34,595
[Kenny] Fuck.
326
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:38,231
[door closes]
327
00:13:40,636 --> 00:13:42,703
[groans]
328
00:13:42,705 --> 00:13:45,972
[note pad thuds]
329
00:13:45,974 --> 00:13:48,375
[clears throat] Coffee?
330
00:13:48,377 --> 00:13:50,009
I'm good.
331
00:13:50,011 --> 00:13:51,345
Cool.
332
00:13:53,515 --> 00:13:54,680
Bill?
333
00:13:57,552 --> 00:13:59,785
Sorry about your dad.
334
00:14:01,823 --> 00:14:03,255
Thanks, man.
335
00:14:06,894 --> 00:14:09,895
[door opens]
336
00:14:09,897 --> 00:14:12,063
[door closes]
337
00:14:12,065 --> 00:14:13,865
[indistinct chatter]
338
00:14:13,867 --> 00:14:16,334
[Nick clears throat] Thanks for coming.
339
00:14:16,336 --> 00:14:20,104
Mm. Never too proud for sloppy seconds.
340
00:14:20,106 --> 00:14:24,376
[inhales sharply] So, seriously...
341
00:14:24,378 --> 00:14:27,779
you and super agent Brenner?
342
00:14:27,781 --> 00:14:31,849
Let's just say it was a...
mutual parting of the ways.
343
00:14:31,851 --> 00:14:34,184
[chuckles] "Mutual"?
344
00:14:34,186 --> 00:14:35,419
- Yeah.
- Mm.
345
00:14:35,421 --> 00:14:36,953
[laughs]
346
00:14:36,955 --> 00:14:40,023
Nick, this town's only
big in square miles.
347
00:14:40,025 --> 00:14:41,925
In reputations, it's
slightly fucking smaller
348
00:14:41,927 --> 00:14:44,695
than a postage stamp, man.
349
00:14:44,697 --> 00:14:47,363
Why the fuck ask?
350
00:14:47,365 --> 00:14:48,765
- You know why I'm here Nick?
- [clears throat]
351
00:14:48,767 --> 00:14:50,600
Huh? Fear and desperation.
352
00:14:50,602 --> 00:14:54,537
Yeah. Comic's cocktail of
choice, man, seriously.
353
00:14:54,539 --> 00:14:57,072
Every day you know that
you grow less special,
354
00:14:57,074 --> 00:14:58,941
and I fucking love that.
355
00:14:58,943 --> 00:15:02,878
I love that, because I
can sell that guy, huh?
356
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:06,648
'Cause that guy? That
guy'll fucking listen.
357
00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:08,917
That guy'll do whatever
the fuck it takes
358
00:15:08,919 --> 00:15:10,886
to stay in the game, man.
359
00:15:10,888 --> 00:15:12,821
So let's face it...
360
00:15:12,823 --> 00:15:14,756
where else he got to go?
361
00:15:16,293 --> 00:15:17,392
Right?
362
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:19,627
[crunching ice]
363
00:15:19,629 --> 00:15:21,462
It's why we're here.
364
00:15:21,464 --> 00:15:23,931
Good. Well, let me see
what I can dig up.
365
00:15:23,933 --> 00:15:26,333
Oh, in the meantime,
366
00:15:26,335 --> 00:15:30,137
lose the badass bullshit, okay?
367
00:15:30,139 --> 00:15:32,473
[inhales sharply] Seriously...
368
00:15:32,475 --> 00:15:35,042
it's a fucking buyer's
market out there, Nick.
369
00:15:39,781 --> 00:15:41,714
I'll call you.
370
00:15:42,784 --> 00:15:44,684
[Goldie] Next Monday?
371
00:15:44,686 --> 00:15:48,455
I tell you I need 30 pounds
of frozen drumsticks
372
00:15:48,457 --> 00:15:51,791
by the weekend, and you are
telling me next fucking Monday?
373
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,192
Oh, fuck.
374
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:58,029
[Goldie] Yeah, yeah, yeah, bullshit!
375
00:15:58,031 --> 00:15:59,465
Are you listening, Peter?
376
00:15:59,467 --> 00:16:02,033
Does anybody in this
fucking town listen?
377
00:16:03,637 --> 00:16:07,806
Peter, I am all alone
here, all right? Alone.
378
00:16:07,808 --> 00:16:12,209
Everything falls on
my fucking shoulders.
379
00:16:12,211 --> 00:16:15,312
So, if you want to help,
here's what I need...
380
00:16:15,314 --> 00:16:16,948
reciprocity,
381
00:16:16,950 --> 00:16:20,050
a fucking sliver of the loyalty
382
00:16:20,052 --> 00:16:22,820
that I have shown you
over the fucking years!
383
00:16:22,822 --> 00:16:24,455
Not in word, in deed.
384
00:16:24,457 --> 00:16:26,457
You get me those goddamn drumsticks!
385
00:16:26,459 --> 00:16:28,792
[receiver slams]
386
00:16:31,329 --> 00:16:32,662
[laughter]
387
00:16:32,664 --> 00:16:34,865
Hey, listen, it's nothing wrong
388
00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:37,367
with still being a virgin
after 20, all right?
389
00:16:37,369 --> 00:16:39,569
[laughter]
390
00:16:39,571 --> 00:16:40,971
But I do love living in L.A., though.
391
00:16:40,973 --> 00:16:42,806
I do. Don't get me wrong, okay?
392
00:16:42,808 --> 00:16:44,807
It's beautiful. The weather's perfect,
393
00:16:44,809 --> 00:16:46,876
the women are... mmm, yes.
394
00:16:46,878 --> 00:16:48,711
[crowd cheering]
395
00:16:48,713 --> 00:16:51,079
And... and all the tourists
are thoroughly convinced
396
00:16:51,081 --> 00:16:53,315
that I'm that one black
guy from that thing.
397
00:16:53,317 --> 00:16:55,918
I'm... I'm serious. In here,
I'm just Adam Proteau.
398
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:59,922
But out on Hollywood Boulevard,
oh, I'm Sidney Poitier.
399
00:16:59,924 --> 00:17:00,890
[laughter]
400
00:17:00,892 --> 00:17:02,356
[Adam] I'm Ben Vereen,
401
00:17:02,358 --> 00:17:04,025
Richard Roundtree,
402
00:17:04,027 --> 00:17:06,360
Harry Belafonte.
403
00:17:06,362 --> 00:17:08,930
The one I don't understand though is...
is Lena Horne.
404
00:17:08,932 --> 00:17:10,498
- I don't...
- [laughter]
405
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:12,033
Wait. Do y'all see it?
406
00:17:12,035 --> 00:17:13,902
[cheers and applause]
407
00:17:13,904 --> 00:17:15,904
What if I...
408
00:17:15,906 --> 00:17:17,405
[cheers and applause continue]
409
00:17:17,407 --> 00:17:19,372
[Adam] He's like, "I see it! I see it!"
410
00:17:19,374 --> 00:17:22,308
[laughter]
411
00:17:29,351 --> 00:17:32,285
Now, my stepdad's name was Parnell.
412
00:17:32,287 --> 00:17:36,288
Now, it ain't a man alive named
Parnell that's not an asshole.
413
00:17:36,290 --> 00:17:37,623
[laughter]
414
00:17:37,625 --> 00:17:38,624
[Adam] Even the white ones are bad.
415
00:17:38,626 --> 00:17:40,459
Get the fuck offstage.
416
00:17:40,461 --> 00:17:41,928
That's right, Parnell
used to be in a bad mood
417
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:44,396
about every fucking
thing, even Christmas.
418
00:17:44,398 --> 00:17:46,398
How the fuck are you mad at Christmas?
419
00:17:48,536 --> 00:17:50,770
Oh, so what you're telling me
is Baby Jesus got frankincense,
420
00:17:50,772 --> 00:17:54,205
myrrh, and gold for His
birthday when He was born?
421
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:57,308
Shit, all I got was a smack on
my black ass when I was born.
422
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:58,944
[laughter and applause]
423
00:17:58,946 --> 00:18:01,947
[Adam] Didn't even give
me a birth certificate.
424
00:18:01,949 --> 00:18:04,950
All I got was titty milk and a name tag.
425
00:18:04,952 --> 00:18:06,918
[laughter]
426
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,653
And my name was spelled wrong.
427
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:12,489
Who the fuck is Darnell?
428
00:18:12,491 --> 00:18:14,257
But it wasn't just Christmas.
429
00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:15,893
It wasn't just Christmas and
Santa Claus, all right?
430
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:17,962
It was also the Tooth Fairy.
431
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:20,397
Now, all of my friends would
get coins from the Tooth Fairy
432
00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:22,299
when they put a tooth under they pillow.
433
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:25,502
I put a tooth under my
pillow, I ain't get shit.
434
00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:28,404
Seriously, and I would
try to complain...
435
00:18:28,406 --> 00:18:30,272
complain to Parnell...
"Hey, the Tooth Fairy
436
00:18:30,274 --> 00:18:32,909
didn't leave me shit under my pillow."
437
00:18:32,911 --> 00:18:35,011
His response was, "Look,
the Tooth Fairy gave you
438
00:18:35,013 --> 00:18:38,314
a roof over you head and
three square meals."
439
00:18:38,316 --> 00:18:39,482
[unamplified] If you don't
want to lose another one,
440
00:18:39,484 --> 00:18:40,516
you gonna get...
441
00:18:40,518 --> 00:18:42,952
[cheers and applause]
442
00:18:42,954 --> 00:18:44,319
And that's just how it goes.
443
00:18:44,321 --> 00:18:46,622
Matter of fact, Parnell,
ladies and gentlemen.
444
00:18:46,624 --> 00:18:48,189
Adam Proteau!
445
00:18:48,191 --> 00:18:49,591
This bitch right here...
446
00:18:49,593 --> 00:18:52,494
- [cheers and applause]
- Adam Proteau. Ha ha.
447
00:18:52,496 --> 00:18:54,596
Fucking dickhead.
448
00:18:54,598 --> 00:18:58,867
[cheers and applause]
449
00:18:58,869 --> 00:19:01,135
Friends, Romans, lady right there...
450
00:19:01,137 --> 00:19:04,304
you with them big-ass
titties, lend me your ears!
451
00:19:04,306 --> 00:19:06,807
Hey! Adam, what the fuck
do you think you're doing?
452
00:19:06,809 --> 00:19:08,142
I'm putting it to a vote.
453
00:19:08,144 --> 00:19:11,478
[cheers and applause]
454
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:13,948
Hey, your time is up, get
the fuck down from there.
455
00:19:13,950 --> 00:19:15,449
- Is it, Ralph?
- It's over.
456
00:19:15,451 --> 00:19:17,284
[crowd booing]
457
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:19,619
So let's take it to a vote!
This is America, right?
458
00:19:19,621 --> 00:19:22,055
- [cheers and applause]
- Yeah. Okay.
459
00:19:22,057 --> 00:19:24,658
Now, should I continue?
460
00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:28,594
[loud cheers and applause]
461
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,867
Or... or... or... this is a democracy...
462
00:19:34,869 --> 00:19:36,635
should we give Ralph back his stage?
463
00:19:36,637 --> 00:19:40,572
[crowd booing]
464
00:19:44,478 --> 00:19:46,178
- [Arnie] Ralph, calm down.
- Where the fuck have you been?
465
00:19:46,180 --> 00:19:48,313
You see what's happening
in here right now?
466
00:19:48,315 --> 00:19:50,883
I ain't never seen nobody
pull some fucking bullshit
467
00:19:50,885 --> 00:19:52,249
like this motherfucker just pulled.
468
00:19:52,251 --> 00:19:53,651
Ralph, shut the fuck up, okay? Shush!
469
00:19:53,653 --> 00:19:55,019
- Make me shut the fuck up.
- You mad?
470
00:19:55,021 --> 00:19:56,520
- Why... why would I stop?
- Come on.
471
00:19:56,522 --> 00:19:58,322
They was loving me in there.
Why would you stop that?
472
00:19:58,324 --> 00:20:00,658
It don't give you the right
to run the fucking light.
473
00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:02,093
What do you mean run the light?
474
00:20:02,095 --> 00:20:03,661
You know how many comics I
done seen run the light?
475
00:20:03,663 --> 00:20:04,996
- Those motherfuckers earned it.
- Not five minutes.
476
00:20:04,998 --> 00:20:06,664
- Not ten minutes.
- They earned it.
477
00:20:06,666 --> 00:20:08,066
- Not... they didn't earn shit!
- They earned it!
478
00:20:08,068 --> 00:20:09,365
I don't understand. Whatever, dog.
479
00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:10,867
You sound like a fucking
broken-ass record.
480
00:20:10,869 --> 00:20:12,169
You need to listen to
this broken-ass record!
481
00:20:12,171 --> 00:20:13,704
Fuck your broken-ass record.
How about...
482
00:20:13,706 --> 00:20:15,405
Earn some shit, motherfucker.
How about that?
483
00:20:15,407 --> 00:20:16,406
How about you just tell us
what's really pissing you off?
484
00:20:16,408 --> 00:20:17,574
Oh, tell us, then.
485
00:20:17,576 --> 00:20:19,442
Tell us what's pissing you off.
486
00:20:19,444 --> 00:20:20,911
- Tell us, motherfucker.
- You mad 'cause I'm passing
487
00:20:20,913 --> 00:20:22,445
your old ass, and it's
really pissing you off
488
00:20:22,447 --> 00:20:24,014
'cause all that's over
my head is blue skies.
489
00:20:24,016 --> 00:20:25,582
Only thing you got over yours
is this fucking ceiling.
490
00:20:25,584 --> 00:20:26,582
- Motherfucker, I'll...
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
491
00:20:26,584 --> 00:20:28,017
No! No! No!
492
00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:29,284
You're fucking both pissing me off!
493
00:20:29,286 --> 00:20:32,287
No fighting in the Cellar stairwell!
494
00:20:32,289 --> 00:20:33,689
You're fucking banned for a week!
495
00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:35,457
Fuck you, Arnie! You ain't Goldie!
496
00:20:35,459 --> 00:20:37,126
I am tonight!
497
00:20:37,128 --> 00:20:39,428
Look, I know you got to have
your King Kong moment up there.
498
00:20:39,430 --> 00:20:42,364
- My what?
- What the fuck, Arnie?
499
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:45,734
Choose your motherfucking
words more carefully, man.
500
00:20:45,736 --> 00:20:47,102
Listen, I think we all know
501
00:20:47,104 --> 00:20:48,937
that I mean when he climbed the balcony,
502
00:20:48,939 --> 00:20:50,739
it was kind of like King Kong climbing
503
00:20:50,741 --> 00:20:52,040
the Empire State building, okay?
It's a good fucking analogy.
504
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:53,241
Shut up. Shut... Arnie,
shut the fuck up.
505
00:20:53,243 --> 00:20:54,776
Shut up, shut up!
506
00:20:54,778 --> 00:20:56,444
Okay, Goldie gave me extra
time in the Cellar.
507
00:20:56,446 --> 00:20:58,046
Yeah, 30 minutes, not 40.
508
00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,413
How about we go talk to
her about it, then, huh?
509
00:20:59,415 --> 00:21:01,081
She doesn't want to talk to you, man.
510
00:21:01,083 --> 00:21:02,482
You may think you're the
center of the universe,
511
00:21:02,484 --> 00:21:04,151
but you're sorely mistaken.
512
00:21:04,153 --> 00:21:07,254
You know what? Fuck both of y'all.
513
00:21:07,256 --> 00:21:09,123
Take your punishment like a man, pussy.
514
00:21:09,125 --> 00:21:10,791
I'm taking my punishment...
515
00:21:10,793 --> 00:21:13,493
right the fuck out of this place.
516
00:21:13,495 --> 00:21:16,163
"The doorbell rings.
Angie goes to answer it.
517
00:21:16,165 --> 00:21:18,597
When she does, Benny enters with
a letter and hands it to her.
518
00:21:18,599 --> 00:21:20,066
He's still nervous,
519
00:21:20,068 --> 00:21:22,068
but nothing like he was
on his first day."
520
00:21:22,070 --> 00:21:23,636
"I thought you might
be waiting for this,
521
00:21:23,638 --> 00:21:25,337
so I wanted to hand-deliver
it to you personally,
522
00:21:25,339 --> 00:21:28,241
because I am all about taking
care of the people on my route."
523
00:21:28,243 --> 00:21:30,143
"Mm-hmm.
524
00:21:30,145 --> 00:21:32,812
You've got to use the bathroom
again, don't you, Benny?"
525
00:21:32,814 --> 00:21:34,279
"What? No...
526
00:21:34,281 --> 00:21:35,480
What gave it away?"
527
00:21:35,482 --> 00:21:36,481
[laughter]
528
00:21:36,483 --> 00:21:37,849
"Your hand-delivered letter,
529
00:21:37,851 --> 00:21:40,118
it's a circular from
Lamps, Lamps, Lamps."
530
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,154
[laughter]
531
00:21:42,156 --> 00:21:44,956
"Yeah, but they're 20 percent
off, and if I'm being honest,
532
00:21:44,958 --> 00:21:46,591
a little more light in
here wouldn't hurt."
533
00:21:46,593 --> 00:21:47,926
[laughter]
534
00:21:47,928 --> 00:21:50,628
"Benny, is this gonna
be a regular thing?
535
00:21:50,630 --> 00:21:52,429
You've been on this route a week,
536
00:21:52,431 --> 00:21:55,365
and you've already used
our bathroom four times."
537
00:21:55,367 --> 00:21:57,367
"It's not my fault. It's Mrs. Wilmore.
538
00:21:57,369 --> 00:21:59,436
She keeps giving me food
to-go, and trust me,
539
00:21:59,438 --> 00:22:02,506
when she says it's to-go,
she ain't kidding."
540
00:22:02,508 --> 00:22:04,942
[laughter]
541
00:22:04,944 --> 00:22:06,877
"And as Benny hurries
toward the bathroom,
542
00:22:06,879 --> 00:22:08,444
he suddenly pauses."
543
00:22:08,446 --> 00:22:10,313
"Can I borrow that Reader's Digest
544
00:22:10,315 --> 00:22:12,048
I delivered yesterday?
545
00:22:12,050 --> 00:22:13,649
There's a article in there
I really want to finish."
546
00:22:13,651 --> 00:22:15,584
[laughter]
547
00:22:19,157 --> 00:22:21,157
[laughter]
548
00:22:21,159 --> 00:22:23,159
[blues music playing]
549
00:22:23,161 --> 00:22:27,029
[laughter and chatter]
550
00:22:27,031 --> 00:22:31,967
??
551
00:22:41,045 --> 00:22:42,243
Mm-hmm.
552
00:22:44,013 --> 00:22:46,180
Look, Barton, I want my
name on the marquee.
553
00:22:46,182 --> 00:22:47,982
Forty-five minutes at 9:30,
554
00:22:47,984 --> 00:22:50,818
75 bucks a set, and four nights a week,
555
00:22:50,820 --> 00:22:53,721
guaranteed.
556
00:22:53,723 --> 00:22:57,058
Well, well...
557
00:22:57,060 --> 00:22:59,893
Your eyes are so wide open now,
558
00:22:59,895 --> 00:23:02,528
you're gonna need sunglasses, baby.
559
00:23:02,530 --> 00:23:04,597
[laughs]
560
00:23:07,402 --> 00:23:08,768
Oh, you're just in time.
561
00:23:08,770 --> 00:23:10,503
I need you to take this to the house.
562
00:23:14,376 --> 00:23:16,909
Listen, before you hear
it from somebody else,
563
00:23:16,911 --> 00:23:19,011
I want you to know that I was acting
564
00:23:19,013 --> 00:23:21,213
on behalf of what I thought
was best for the club.
565
00:23:23,450 --> 00:23:25,751
What the fuck did you do?
566
00:23:25,753 --> 00:23:27,452
Adam...
567
00:23:27,454 --> 00:23:31,090
he kind of... left last night.
568
00:23:31,092 --> 00:23:33,691
What do you mean left?
569
00:23:33,693 --> 00:23:35,960
He and Ralph had a big argument.
He went over his time.
570
00:23:35,962 --> 00:23:39,931
He climbed up on the balcony
like King... Arthur,
571
00:23:39,933 --> 00:23:41,032
so I suspended him for a week.
572
00:23:41,034 --> 00:23:42,400
You what?
573
00:23:42,402 --> 00:23:45,469
Look, you asked me to
step up, to take charge.
574
00:23:45,471 --> 00:23:47,705
I asked you to set the fucking list,
575
00:23:47,707 --> 00:23:49,073
not start a coup.
576
00:23:49,075 --> 00:23:50,473
Where'd he go?
577
00:23:53,645 --> 00:23:55,612
When he left,
578
00:23:55,614 --> 00:23:57,514
where did he go?
579
00:24:01,287 --> 00:24:05,923
If marquees are any indicator...
580
00:24:05,925 --> 00:24:07,089
Teddy's.
581
00:24:10,395 --> 00:24:11,460
Get out.
582
00:24:11,462 --> 00:24:13,396
Okay.
583
00:24:14,498 --> 00:24:15,497
For good.
584
00:24:15,499 --> 00:24:17,099
You are fired, Arnie.
585
00:24:17,101 --> 00:24:19,635
? dramatic music ?
586
00:24:19,637 --> 00:24:21,103
So should I take the money out?
587
00:24:21,105 --> 00:24:23,005
Fired, Arnie, fired!
588
00:24:23,007 --> 00:24:24,306
Like you don't work here anymore.
589
00:24:24,308 --> 00:24:26,174
Done, gone, out!
590
00:24:26,176 --> 00:24:29,411
??
591
00:24:29,413 --> 00:24:31,813
[groans]
592
00:24:31,815 --> 00:24:34,615
Just do your fucking job.
593
00:24:34,617 --> 00:24:36,918
Got it.
594
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:39,921
[door opens, closes]
595
00:24:39,923 --> 00:24:41,755
??
596
00:24:41,757 --> 00:24:46,126
? Chicago's "Make Me Smile" ?
597
00:24:46,128 --> 00:24:47,594
? Children play... ?
598
00:24:47,596 --> 00:24:49,129
- [Eddie] No?
- [Maggie] No, I don't.
599
00:24:49,131 --> 00:24:51,265
It makes me think of Arnie's
stupid Chinese joke.
600
00:24:51,267 --> 00:24:53,834
You guys aren't gonna
believe what just happened.
601
00:24:53,836 --> 00:24:56,636
Mm. You saw that Pointer
Sister with the braces again?
602
00:24:56,638 --> 00:24:59,605
Better. I was at dinner
with my agent, Stacy,
603
00:24:59,607 --> 00:25:02,976
and, um... they want me back.
604
00:25:02,978 --> 00:25:04,677
- The show?
- Yep.
605
00:25:04,679 --> 00:25:06,512
For how long.
606
00:25:06,514 --> 00:25:09,882
I-I don't know. Stacy said at
least five or six episodes.
607
00:25:09,884 --> 00:25:11,550
- What? Five or six episodes?
- Wow.
608
00:25:11,552 --> 00:25:12,885
- Yes.
- That's...
609
00:25:12,887 --> 00:25:14,120
that's almost the entire thing.
610
00:25:14,122 --> 00:25:15,387
- I know!
- [laughs] Amazing.
611
00:25:15,389 --> 00:25:17,789
- [coughs]
- I told you.
612
00:25:17,791 --> 00:25:18,790
- You did.
- Mm-hmm.
613
00:25:18,792 --> 00:25:20,025
You were right.
614
00:25:20,027 --> 00:25:21,559
- Pull my hair.
- Mm-hmm.
615
00:25:21,561 --> 00:25:23,395
- [Maggie and Ron] Mm-hmm.
- That's great.
616
00:25:23,397 --> 00:25:24,729
- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
617
00:25:24,731 --> 00:25:26,331
- I'll pull your hair.
- Mm-hmm.
618
00:25:26,333 --> 00:25:27,565
- You like that?
- Yeah.
619
00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:29,567
- When I pull your hair?
- Mm-hmm.
620
00:25:29,569 --> 00:25:34,505
??
621
00:25:36,409 --> 00:25:37,508
I'm taking four...
622
00:25:37,510 --> 00:25:40,244
Oh, no, take two. Why not?
623
00:25:40,246 --> 00:25:41,512
Congratulations.
624
00:25:41,514 --> 00:25:43,047
??
625
00:25:43,049 --> 00:25:46,050
[strumming guitar]
626
00:25:46,052 --> 00:25:48,419
??
627
00:25:48,421 --> 00:25:51,054
Hello?
628
00:25:51,056 --> 00:25:53,056
[Teddy laughs] Oh!
629
00:25:53,058 --> 00:25:55,892
I thought somebody turned
the air-conditioning on.
630
00:25:55,894 --> 00:25:58,328
[Teddy laughs, sighs]
631
00:25:58,330 --> 00:26:00,063
Drink?
632
00:26:00,065 --> 00:26:02,565
[scoffs]
633
00:26:02,567 --> 00:26:04,934
I get it, Teddy.
634
00:26:04,936 --> 00:26:07,036
You want to be on everybody's radar,
635
00:26:07,038 --> 00:26:09,204
but now you are on my radar,
636
00:26:09,206 --> 00:26:12,074
and that is not a fucking
place you want to be.
637
00:26:12,076 --> 00:26:15,277
I moved to L.A. because
everyone told me,
638
00:26:15,279 --> 00:26:17,112
"Hey, it's laid-back."
639
00:26:17,114 --> 00:26:19,348
I didn't start this.
640
00:26:19,350 --> 00:26:21,450
You did, with your
fancy fucking partner.
641
00:26:21,452 --> 00:26:23,684
But you turned it into
a turf war, Goldie.
642
00:26:23,686 --> 00:26:25,386
- Mm-mm-mm.
- Oh, yes, you fucking did.
643
00:26:25,388 --> 00:26:27,555
Yeah. And you're right.
644
00:26:27,557 --> 00:26:29,857
Yeah, I'm stuck with that
asshole on one side of me
645
00:26:29,859 --> 00:26:32,560
and you, another fucking
asshole, on the other side,
646
00:26:32,562 --> 00:26:34,128
and here I am.
647
00:26:34,130 --> 00:26:35,463
So, if you're not gonna be sociable
648
00:26:35,465 --> 00:26:37,532
and have a drink with me,
649
00:26:37,534 --> 00:26:39,367
you can get the fuck out of my club.
650
00:26:39,369 --> 00:26:41,468
[chuckles] Your club.
651
00:26:41,470 --> 00:26:43,070
Now, that's a funny fucking joke.
652
00:26:43,072 --> 00:26:44,404
Goddamn right it's my club.
653
00:26:44,406 --> 00:26:45,772
There's my name in neon.
654
00:26:45,774 --> 00:26:47,941
You stay down here at the
shit end of the Strip
655
00:26:47,943 --> 00:26:51,078
and keep that pimp the
fuck away from my kids.
656
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,114
- Or what?
- Oh, not what. When.
657
00:26:54,116 --> 00:26:55,382
You should be a little more careful
658
00:26:55,384 --> 00:26:57,083
who you get into bed with, Ted.
659
00:26:57,085 --> 00:27:00,086
? ominous music ?
660
00:27:00,088 --> 00:27:04,390
??
661
00:27:06,727 --> 00:27:08,994
[Miles] Hey, FYI...
662
00:27:08,996 --> 00:27:12,798
[sniffs] I took a little peek.
663
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,466
It's number three all the way.
664
00:27:14,468 --> 00:27:16,734
- [scoffs]
- Seriously.
665
00:27:16,736 --> 00:27:19,237
Honestly, I have been
on hundreds of dates.
666
00:27:19,239 --> 00:27:21,172
I have never asked a woman once,
667
00:27:21,174 --> 00:27:22,840
"If you could be any kind of pie,
668
00:27:22,842 --> 00:27:24,476
what kind of pie would you be?"
669
00:27:24,478 --> 00:27:27,912
[sighs] Nick, I know this
isn't what you had in mind.
670
00:27:27,914 --> 00:27:30,014
- Yeah.
- Huh?
671
00:27:30,016 --> 00:27:33,484
We are rebuilding a bridge here,
672
00:27:33,486 --> 00:27:35,352
not just between you
and potential suitors,
673
00:27:35,354 --> 00:27:39,189
but between you and me.
674
00:27:39,191 --> 00:27:41,691
Dating Game is a decent gig, man.
675
00:27:41,693 --> 00:27:43,627
A lot of young comics
and actors want this.
676
00:27:43,629 --> 00:27:47,197
Fucking Marcia Brady was on last week.
677
00:27:47,199 --> 00:27:50,333
Yeah. It's all about exposure.
678
00:27:50,335 --> 00:27:51,634
Seriously.
679
00:27:51,636 --> 00:27:52,935
Huh?
680
00:27:54,305 --> 00:27:56,239
- Yeah.
- All right.
681
00:27:57,375 --> 00:27:59,708
So number three, huh?
682
00:27:59,710 --> 00:28:03,312
She'd be a nine if it wasn't
for the slight acne scarring.
683
00:28:04,715 --> 00:28:06,648
You're gonna kill it.
684
00:28:09,620 --> 00:28:10,885
[Marty] You see how the
whole thing is red?
685
00:28:10,887 --> 00:28:12,687
I love that. I want... I want that red.
686
00:28:12,689 --> 00:28:13,855
I love those costumes.
687
00:28:13,857 --> 00:28:16,191
I want a lot of that in the posters.
688
00:28:16,193 --> 00:28:18,693
Anyway, you get this light, and
I want them shot from below.
689
00:28:18,695 --> 00:28:20,295
I want to... I want to look up at them.
690
00:28:20,297 --> 00:28:21,630
Excuse me, Marty.
691
00:28:21,632 --> 00:28:23,330
Cass, look at you!
692
00:28:23,332 --> 00:28:25,032
You look great, honey.
693
00:28:25,034 --> 00:28:27,100
Oh, well, wait till you see
me once I find my pants.
694
00:28:27,102 --> 00:28:28,536
[both laughing]
695
00:28:28,538 --> 00:28:30,171
Guys, would you excuse us for a second?
696
00:28:30,173 --> 00:28:31,672
Thank you.
697
00:28:31,674 --> 00:28:34,107
What's up, Cass? What can I do for you?
698
00:28:34,109 --> 00:28:36,243
Oh, Marty. [chuckles]
699
00:28:36,245 --> 00:28:37,944
They've added another sketch.
700
00:28:37,946 --> 00:28:39,845
Yeah, the trucker sketch.
I know, it's hilarious.
701
00:28:39,847 --> 00:28:41,181
What about it?
702
00:28:41,183 --> 00:28:42,848
Well, that's eight sketches now
703
00:28:42,850 --> 00:28:45,017
at five minutes apiece,
so that's 40 minutes.
704
00:28:45,019 --> 00:28:46,619
Add in commercials and that leaves
705
00:28:46,621 --> 00:28:48,388
about five minutes for stand-up.
706
00:28:48,390 --> 00:28:50,223
That's one minute per
girl, and we were told
707
00:28:50,225 --> 00:28:52,392
we were each gonna get
about five minutes.
708
00:28:52,394 --> 00:28:54,327
Okay.
709
00:28:56,130 --> 00:28:58,797
- Here's what we're gonna do.
- Okay. [chuckles]
710
00:28:58,799 --> 00:29:00,365
You're gonna smile
pretty into the camera,
711
00:29:00,367 --> 00:29:02,067
you're gonna read your lines,
712
00:29:02,069 --> 00:29:04,869
and I'll take care of the math, okay?
713
00:29:04,871 --> 00:29:07,906
So, if you'll excuse me, I'm
gonna let go of your hand
714
00:29:07,908 --> 00:29:09,541
and go do my job.
715
00:29:09,543 --> 00:29:11,476
I suggest you do the same.
716
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:15,012
- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.
717
00:29:16,949 --> 00:29:18,916
- [Marty] Hey, the call went up.
- Piece of shit.
718
00:29:18,918 --> 00:29:21,485
["The Dating Game Theme" playing]
719
00:29:21,487 --> 00:29:23,487
[applause]
720
00:29:23,489 --> 00:29:25,256
Bachelorette number three,
721
00:29:25,258 --> 00:29:29,227
if you could be any kind of pie,
what kind of pie would that be?
722
00:29:29,229 --> 00:29:31,060
Um...
723
00:29:31,062 --> 00:29:33,129
probably strawberry rhubarb.
724
00:29:33,131 --> 00:29:37,400
[laughter]
725
00:29:37,402 --> 00:29:39,636
Bachelorette number two,
726
00:29:39,638 --> 00:29:41,638
if we were on a deserted island...
727
00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:44,006
[laughter fades]
728
00:29:44,008 --> 00:29:45,074
Sorry, you know, I'm gonna go back
729
00:29:45,076 --> 00:29:46,643
to bachelorette number three.
730
00:29:46,645 --> 00:29:51,113
Number three, why a
strawberry rhubarb pie?
731
00:29:51,115 --> 00:29:53,915
Well, because I'm a little bit sweet
732
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:55,517
and a little bit sour.
733
00:29:55,519 --> 00:29:57,753
- [laughter]
- Okay.
734
00:29:57,755 --> 00:30:00,155
I don't know why that's funny, but...
735
00:30:00,157 --> 00:30:02,090
Hold on.
736
00:30:04,527 --> 00:30:06,294
No, you motherfucker.
737
00:30:06,296 --> 00:30:08,463
Bachelorette number three, uh,
another question for you.
738
00:30:08,465 --> 00:30:10,865
- How do you feel about drugs?
- [man] Cut!
739
00:30:10,867 --> 00:30:12,166
- I'm sorry?
- [crowd murmurs]
740
00:30:12,168 --> 00:30:14,369
Drugs, you know, heroin, pot, LSD,
741
00:30:14,371 --> 00:30:15,503
- that sort of thing?
- [man] Stop recording.
742
00:30:15,505 --> 00:30:17,138
We are going to Acapulco after all,
743
00:30:17,140 --> 00:30:18,706
and, yes, while sunsets and
walks on the beach are nice...
744
00:30:18,708 --> 00:30:20,675
- [man] Just play the music.
- Oh, after we ditch
745
00:30:20,677 --> 00:30:22,542
that chaperone, I wouldn't
mind kicking it up a notch.
746
00:30:22,544 --> 00:30:24,043
You know what I mean?
747
00:30:24,045 --> 00:30:25,445
Find a hotel by la hora, see if we...
748
00:30:25,447 --> 00:30:27,281
[man] Let's go. We need security.
749
00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:28,348
- [man] Grab him. Grab him.
- I'm going. I'm going.
750
00:30:28,350 --> 00:30:29,683
[man] All right, let's go.
751
00:30:29,685 --> 00:30:31,217
[theme music playing]
752
00:30:31,219 --> 00:30:33,853
- Three.
- Seriously? Huh?
753
00:30:33,855 --> 00:30:36,723
Good night, John-Boy.
You fucking schmuck!
754
00:30:36,725 --> 00:30:38,024
Sometimes I'm a little bit sweet.
755
00:30:38,026 --> 00:30:40,793
Sometimes I'm a little sour.
756
00:30:40,795 --> 00:30:43,396
You don't think you're
overblowing this a bit?
757
00:30:43,398 --> 00:30:46,499
It's gonna take more than
that to take you down.
758
00:30:46,501 --> 00:30:49,735
You're an institution.
759
00:30:49,737 --> 00:30:51,837
Yeah. Used to be you
couldn't get a reservation
760
00:30:51,839 --> 00:30:55,040
at the Brown Derby, too.
761
00:30:55,042 --> 00:30:56,974
Yeah.
762
00:30:56,976 --> 00:30:58,976
You ever miss the old days, Mitch?
763
00:30:58,978 --> 00:31:00,679
Yeah.
764
00:31:00,681 --> 00:31:02,814
What was I, like, 24
when I first met you?
765
00:31:02,816 --> 00:31:04,148
[chuckles]
766
00:31:04,150 --> 00:31:06,651
Hostess at Toots Shor's place.
767
00:31:06,653 --> 00:31:07,919
Yeah.
768
00:31:07,921 --> 00:31:10,087
Yeah, it was good times, huh?
769
00:31:10,089 --> 00:31:12,223
Seems like when you reach my age,
770
00:31:12,225 --> 00:31:15,826
there's a lot more to look
backwards on than forwards.
771
00:31:17,697 --> 00:31:20,230
How can I help?
772
00:31:20,232 --> 00:31:24,067
I need to stop this
King Theodore revolt.
773
00:31:24,069 --> 00:31:26,069
I need you to put one of my kids
774
00:31:26,071 --> 00:31:28,171
on The Tonight Show.
775
00:31:28,173 --> 00:31:30,873
Bill Hobbs, this Friday.
776
00:31:30,875 --> 00:31:32,342
[scoffs]
777
00:31:32,344 --> 00:31:35,345
? dramatic music ?
778
00:31:35,347 --> 00:31:36,379
??
779
00:31:36,381 --> 00:31:38,381
[sighs]
780
00:31:38,383 --> 00:31:42,352
??
781
00:31:42,354 --> 00:31:45,054
I have always been a big
fan of the impossible.
782
00:31:45,056 --> 00:31:47,522
??
783
00:31:47,524 --> 00:31:49,123
I still need two more
whiskies on the rocks.
784
00:31:49,125 --> 00:31:50,459
[Sully] Oh, man.
785
00:31:50,461 --> 00:31:52,227
- Man, he is fucked up.
- Oh, oh. [whistles]
786
00:31:52,229 --> 00:31:53,595
- [laughs]
- Oh.
787
00:31:53,597 --> 00:31:55,263
Down goes Frazier!
788
00:31:55,265 --> 00:31:58,633
Oh, you got to love a guy
who knows when to quit.
789
00:31:58,635 --> 00:32:01,403
- You gonna help?
- Well, my dad just died.
790
00:32:01,405 --> 00:32:03,371
You know what... White men
keep dropping dead around you.
791
00:32:03,373 --> 00:32:05,773
[Sully sighs] We should
just put a bed there.
792
00:32:05,775 --> 00:32:07,441
[Ralph] He'd just pee on it.
Look at him.
793
00:32:07,443 --> 00:32:09,076
- [Sully] Here we go.
- [Ralph] All right. Fitz.
794
00:32:09,078 --> 00:32:11,078
- [Sully] Come on, Fitzy.
- [Ralph] Get up. Damn.
795
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:12,613
Come on, man, drink up, to us.
796
00:32:12,615 --> 00:32:15,549
I mean, what the fuck? Like,
good things are happening.
797
00:32:15,551 --> 00:32:18,318
I got this TV gig, and,
you know, you're writing
798
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:20,387
for that big-time morning-radio DJ
799
00:32:20,389 --> 00:32:23,723
that you kicked the shit out
of and is kind of a prick.
800
00:32:23,725 --> 00:32:25,958
You know, I eat shit
for five bucks a joke
801
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:28,661
so Kenny Vesey can take all the bows.
802
00:32:28,663 --> 00:32:31,398
No applause, no recognition,
803
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:33,733
no creative satisfaction.
804
00:32:35,103 --> 00:32:36,936
It really fucking sucks.
805
00:32:36,938 --> 00:32:39,170
[sighs] All right, I'll
see you at the apartment.
806
00:32:39,172 --> 00:32:42,107
Come on, Eddie.
807
00:32:49,182 --> 00:32:51,917
Everyone, you all know Kim, I take it.
808
00:32:51,919 --> 00:32:53,419
Now, Kim's gonna be leaving us,
809
00:32:53,421 --> 00:32:57,288
because Kim thinks that
rules are arbitrary.
810
00:32:57,290 --> 00:32:59,990
Whims, laminated and posted,
811
00:32:59,992 --> 00:33:04,462
to be adhered to when her mood hits her.
812
00:33:04,464 --> 00:33:06,397
Good-bye, dear.
813
00:33:11,837 --> 00:33:13,102
All right.
814
00:33:13,104 --> 00:33:15,104
Now, here are the rules, loud and clear.
815
00:33:15,106 --> 00:33:18,475
Anyone punching in
anyone else's time card
816
00:33:18,477 --> 00:33:20,477
is fired.
817
00:33:20,479 --> 00:33:23,112
And if you don't like it, you can leave.
818
00:33:23,114 --> 00:33:26,650
Every drink poured,
measured, and delivered
819
00:33:26,652 --> 00:33:28,318
must be accounted for.
820
00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:32,555
And if you don't like it, you can leave.
821
00:33:32,557 --> 00:33:34,990
Every nickel that touches your palm
822
00:33:34,992 --> 00:33:37,359
better be in mine when you punch out.
823
00:33:37,361 --> 00:33:40,295
And if you don't like it, you can leave.
824
00:33:43,133 --> 00:33:45,067
Any questions?
825
00:33:46,302 --> 00:33:49,236
Good. Finish up and go home.
826
00:33:53,176 --> 00:33:55,309
What the fuck was that about?
827
00:33:55,311 --> 00:33:58,346
Law and order, plain and simple, baby.
828
00:33:58,348 --> 00:34:01,382
No, you can't fire Kim.
No, that's not cool.
829
00:34:01,384 --> 00:34:04,050
She's been with me since
the beginning. No.
830
00:34:04,052 --> 00:34:07,020
Teddy, Kim is gone,
831
00:34:07,022 --> 00:34:08,956
and if you don't like it...
832
00:34:11,694 --> 00:34:15,195
Thanks for "KROQ" -ing,
Lisa from La Ca�ada.
833
00:34:15,197 --> 00:34:16,997
Okay, who do we got next, caller?
834
00:34:16,999 --> 00:34:18,765
[Ron] Uh, Roni.
835
00:34:18,767 --> 00:34:21,166
Hey, how are you, buddy.
Where you "KROQ" -ing from?
836
00:34:21,168 --> 00:34:23,268
[Ron] Uh, Belmont.
837
00:34:23,270 --> 00:34:26,772
Belmont? I bought a dog in Belmont.
What's going on?
838
00:34:26,774 --> 00:34:28,608
[Ron] Uh, yeah, hi, I
just wanted to say that
839
00:34:28,610 --> 00:34:30,576
that last joke you just did about G.
Gordon Liddy...
840
00:34:30,578 --> 00:34:32,879
hilarious, just great, great stuff.
841
00:34:32,881 --> 00:34:34,847
Ha ha! Well, thank you. I do my best.
842
00:34:34,849 --> 00:34:37,015
Yeah, you know the quality
of comedy that you put out
843
00:34:37,017 --> 00:34:39,618
on a daily basis I-is
really mind-blowing.
844
00:34:39,620 --> 00:34:41,786
I mean, do you have writers,
or do you do it all yourself?
845
00:34:41,788 --> 00:34:45,356
Well, Roni Baloney, it's
called Kenny in the AM,
846
00:34:45,358 --> 00:34:48,126
not Kenny and Company in the AM.
847
00:34:48,128 --> 00:34:49,694
[Ron] Right, that's funny, though,
848
00:34:49,696 --> 00:34:51,963
because, you know, I
happen to know for a fact
849
00:34:51,965 --> 00:34:54,131
that all your material is
written by Eddie Zeidel,
850
00:34:54,133 --> 00:34:55,900
who's a regular at Goldie's on Mondays
851
00:34:55,902 --> 00:34:57,535
and Donimirski's Polish
Deli in the Valley
852
00:34:57,537 --> 00:34:59,202
on Tuesdays and
Wednesdays, so, you know,
853
00:34:59,204 --> 00:35:00,738
if anybody wants to see the
fist inside the puppet,
854
00:35:00,740 --> 00:35:02,540
you should really go see Eddie Zeidel...
855
00:35:02,542 --> 00:35:04,942
Okay, sorry about that,
everybody, we get some...
856
00:35:04,944 --> 00:35:06,109
[blows duck call]
857
00:35:06,111 --> 00:35:07,945
At this time in the morning.
858
00:35:07,947 --> 00:35:10,313
Now, we're gonna be right
back with Kenny in the AM
859
00:35:10,315 --> 00:35:12,114
right after this.
860
00:35:12,116 --> 00:35:13,883
That's funny.
861
00:35:13,885 --> 00:35:15,217
Is that a fucking friend of yours?
862
00:35:15,219 --> 00:35:16,920
Uh, more like a brother.
863
00:35:16,922 --> 00:35:18,655
Yeah? Really?
864
00:35:18,657 --> 00:35:20,456
Well, you...
865
00:35:20,458 --> 00:35:22,124
are fucking fired.
866
00:35:22,126 --> 00:35:23,593
Now, you get your little
fucking Hebe ass out of here
867
00:35:23,595 --> 00:35:26,596
before I fucking toss it out myself!
868
00:35:26,598 --> 00:35:27,596
Really?
869
00:35:27,598 --> 00:35:28,830
Really.
870
00:35:28,832 --> 00:35:31,099
[heavy rock music playing]
871
00:35:31,101 --> 00:35:33,835
[Kenny moaning in pain]
872
00:35:33,837 --> 00:35:36,404
[woman] Think we should go in there?
873
00:35:38,976 --> 00:35:39,975
You wanted to see me?
874
00:35:39,977 --> 00:35:41,643
[Goldie] Yeah.
875
00:35:41,645 --> 00:35:44,745
You need to be over in
Burbank in an hour.
876
00:35:44,747 --> 00:35:48,115
[scoffs] Why Burbank?
877
00:35:50,419 --> 00:35:52,620
You got The Tonight Show...
878
00:35:52,622 --> 00:35:54,321
tomorrow night.
879
00:35:54,323 --> 00:35:57,658
They want you to come by,
run through the material.
880
00:35:57,660 --> 00:35:59,093
Wha...
881
00:35:59,095 --> 00:36:00,995
Franklyn Ajaye got a cold, Mitch called,
882
00:36:00,997 --> 00:36:04,130
they needed a replacement, so
I told them you were ready.
883
00:36:04,132 --> 00:36:06,199
Jesus Christ.
884
00:36:06,201 --> 00:36:08,267
? sentimental music ?
885
00:36:08,269 --> 00:36:11,204
Congratulations, Bill.
886
00:36:11,206 --> 00:36:12,839
[chuckles]
887
00:36:12,841 --> 00:36:14,373
??
888
00:36:14,375 --> 00:36:16,009
I'm not big on the word "deserve."
889
00:36:16,011 --> 00:36:19,111
I figure you get what you
get in this life, but...
890
00:36:19,113 --> 00:36:21,814
after the year you've had...
891
00:36:21,816 --> 00:36:24,182
I think you do deserve it...
892
00:36:24,184 --> 00:36:25,618
??
893
00:36:25,620 --> 00:36:28,020
Because you're loyal.
894
00:36:28,022 --> 00:36:29,855
You always have been.
895
00:36:29,857 --> 00:36:31,556
??
896
00:36:31,558 --> 00:36:34,059
I will never forget this, Goldie.
897
00:36:34,061 --> 00:36:35,494
I swear.
898
00:36:35,496 --> 00:36:38,195
??
899
00:36:38,197 --> 00:36:40,297
You mean that?
900
00:36:40,299 --> 00:36:42,466
More than anything.
901
00:36:42,468 --> 00:36:45,302
??
902
00:36:45,304 --> 00:36:47,471
Close the door, would you, Billy?
903
00:36:49,342 --> 00:36:51,843
Yeah.
904
00:36:51,845 --> 00:36:56,780
??
905
00:36:59,051 --> 00:37:01,317
[man] Three! two!
906
00:37:01,319 --> 00:37:02,886
[TV theme music playing]
907
00:37:02,888 --> 00:37:05,889
[applause]
908
00:37:05,891 --> 00:37:10,392
??
909
00:37:10,394 --> 00:37:11,994
Thanks, y'all!
910
00:37:11,996 --> 00:37:13,428
Can't wait to take off
these fucking shoes.
911
00:37:13,430 --> 00:37:14,764
I think I'm allergic to this wig.
912
00:37:14,766 --> 00:37:16,666
[Sally] Congratulations! Great show!
913
00:37:16,668 --> 00:37:18,067
Thank you.
914
00:37:18,069 --> 00:37:20,670
I got to say, that was really exciting.
915
00:37:20,672 --> 00:37:22,504
Well, you were incredible.
916
00:37:22,506 --> 00:37:23,773
Really? I couldn't tell.
917
00:37:23,775 --> 00:37:25,941
The whole thing feels
sort of like a blur.
918
00:37:25,943 --> 00:37:28,276
[laughs] Welcome to television.
919
00:37:28,278 --> 00:37:29,878
So what's next?
920
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:31,112
Pardon?
921
00:37:31,114 --> 00:37:33,381
You know, now that this is over,
922
00:37:33,383 --> 00:37:36,184
what are you gonna do next?
923
00:37:36,186 --> 00:37:39,120
I'm sure you'll have
hundreds of options.
924
00:37:42,859 --> 00:37:45,092
[Ralph] Are you sure we should
be celebrating this early?
925
00:37:45,094 --> 00:37:46,860
You still have 15 hours to fuck this up.
926
00:37:46,862 --> 00:37:48,195
[laughter]
927
00:37:48,197 --> 00:37:49,697
- Hey...
- Hey, listen, unless I get
928
00:37:49,699 --> 00:37:51,264
bumped 'cause Carol
Channing's fucking limp
929
00:37:51,266 --> 00:37:53,266
eats up all my time, I will be sitting
930
00:37:53,268 --> 00:37:55,069
on Johnny's couch tomorrow tonight
931
00:37:55,071 --> 00:37:56,536
laughing with the man.
932
00:37:56,538 --> 00:37:57,537
- [laughter]
- Ha ha, man, you're not getting
933
00:37:57,539 --> 00:37:58,872
the fucking couch.
934
00:37:58,874 --> 00:38:00,407
The only way you will get the couch
935
00:38:00,409 --> 00:38:01,407
is if The Tonight Show has a yard sale.
936
00:38:01,409 --> 00:38:02,408
Please.
937
00:38:02,410 --> 00:38:03,475
[laughter]
938
00:38:03,477 --> 00:38:06,412
[indistinct chatter]
939
00:38:08,783 --> 00:38:10,083
Hey, Walter.
940
00:38:10,085 --> 00:38:11,084
What's up, man?
941
00:38:11,086 --> 00:38:12,651
I want to go up.
942
00:38:12,653 --> 00:38:13,953
Come on, Al's the last comic,
943
00:38:13,955 --> 00:38:15,888
and it's lights out.
944
00:38:15,890 --> 00:38:17,756
Look, man, I don't care if it's
just me and the cockroaches.
945
00:38:17,758 --> 00:38:18,757
I need to go up.
946
00:38:18,759 --> 00:38:19,991
[sighs]
947
00:38:19,993 --> 00:38:21,459
[clicks tongue]
948
00:38:21,461 --> 00:38:23,061
All right, man.
949
00:38:23,063 --> 00:38:25,063
[Al] Nicer car... I just
don't understand it.
950
00:38:25,065 --> 00:38:27,933
Why would she leave me?
951
00:38:27,935 --> 00:38:29,735
[Edgar] At least you get
to wear that fucking suit.
952
00:38:29,737 --> 00:38:31,436
Oh, shit, look who it is!
953
00:38:31,438 --> 00:38:32,771
[Bill] Huh? Oh.
954
00:38:32,773 --> 00:38:33,805
[Ralph] That's what a TV star look like.
955
00:38:33,807 --> 00:38:35,672
- Hey!
- Come over here, girl.
956
00:38:35,674 --> 00:38:36,841
[Edgar] Grandpa-size set of
balls, I will tell you that.
957
00:38:36,843 --> 00:38:38,508
[Sully] Wow.
958
00:38:38,510 --> 00:38:39,910
[Ralph] What's why we love her.
959
00:38:39,912 --> 00:38:41,078
- [Ralph laughs]
- [Edgar] Jesus Christ.
960
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:42,146
Congratulations.
961
00:38:42,148 --> 00:38:43,914
Oh, thanks.
962
00:38:43,916 --> 00:38:45,682
I tried to call you, but...
963
00:38:45,684 --> 00:38:47,752
Yeah, I was over at "Girls
are Fucking Idiots Too."
964
00:38:47,754 --> 00:38:49,353
Oh, it's a documentary now?
965
00:38:49,355 --> 00:38:50,921
- Oh, yeah, you heard?
- [laughter]
966
00:38:50,923 --> 00:38:54,523
Let's celebrate her. Some real TV cred.
967
00:38:54,525 --> 00:38:58,161
[scattered applause]
968
00:38:58,163 --> 00:39:00,429
All right, all right, I know it's 2 a.m.
969
00:39:00,431 --> 00:39:02,098
and it's late, but we've got
970
00:39:02,100 --> 00:39:04,433
one more comic coming to the stage.
971
00:39:04,435 --> 00:39:06,803
So make some noise for Nick Beverly.
972
00:39:06,805 --> 00:39:09,738
[scattered applause]
973
00:39:12,209 --> 00:39:13,675
Good morning.
974
00:39:13,677 --> 00:39:15,010
- [Ralph] No.
- [Cassie] What is he doing?
975
00:39:15,012 --> 00:39:16,645
- [Ralph] Fucking Nick.
- [Edgar] Look out.
976
00:39:16,647 --> 00:39:18,046
- [Ralph] Showing up at 2 a.m.
- [Nick] All right.
977
00:39:18,048 --> 00:39:20,983
Got the cream of the crop, huh? 2 a.m.
978
00:39:23,988 --> 00:39:26,220
This is "Confessions of a Junkie."
979
00:39:26,222 --> 00:39:27,655
Oh, shit.
980
00:39:29,125 --> 00:39:32,059
That's right. I'm a junkie.
981
00:39:32,061 --> 00:39:35,329
Been clean about a month now.
982
00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:36,798
"Clean's" kind of a relative term,
983
00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:38,966
'cause now I'm doing methadone.
984
00:39:38,968 --> 00:39:40,367
Going from heroin to methadone
985
00:39:40,369 --> 00:39:43,303
is like going from fucking Raquel Welch
986
00:39:43,305 --> 00:39:44,838
to fucking a jar of peanut butter
987
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:46,506
with her face drawn on it.
988
00:39:46,508 --> 00:39:48,508
[laughter]
989
00:39:48,510 --> 00:39:51,511
When you're a junkie,
man, your priorities,
990
00:39:51,513 --> 00:39:52,846
they just get all out of whack.
991
00:39:52,848 --> 00:39:55,648
You know, they're fucked.
992
00:39:55,650 --> 00:39:59,485
You'd do anything for that fix.
993
00:39:59,487 --> 00:40:01,353
I remember one Mother's Day.
994
00:40:01,355 --> 00:40:03,755
My gift to my mom
995
00:40:03,757 --> 00:40:06,091
was just to steal
something small from her.
996
00:40:06,093 --> 00:40:07,492
- [scattered laughter]
- You know, five dollars
997
00:40:07,494 --> 00:40:09,761
or less, 'cause she's my mom.
998
00:40:09,763 --> 00:40:11,530
It's her special day.
999
00:40:11,532 --> 00:40:14,700
[vacuum cleaner running]
1000
00:40:14,702 --> 00:40:16,068
[Bill] Hey.
1001
00:40:16,070 --> 00:40:18,336
- Um... [clears throat]
- [Bill] Shut it off.
1002
00:40:18,338 --> 00:40:20,738
[Edgar] What the fuck? Come on.
1003
00:40:20,740 --> 00:40:24,075
My, uh... [clears throat]
1004
00:40:24,077 --> 00:40:26,177
My ex and I came...
1005
00:40:26,179 --> 00:40:27,846
[vacuum cleaner stops running]
1006
00:40:27,848 --> 00:40:31,049
[scattered applause]
1007
00:40:31,051 --> 00:40:32,783
[sighs]
1008
00:40:40,759 --> 00:40:42,125
[Bill] Go ahead, Nick.
1009
00:40:42,127 --> 00:40:43,626
[Ralph] Yeah, come on,
Nick, you got it, baby.
1010
00:40:43,628 --> 00:40:45,128
- Whoo!
- [Cassie] Come on, Nick.
1011
00:40:48,767 --> 00:40:51,700
Okay.
1012
00:40:51,702 --> 00:40:55,104
Sex on heroin... let's talk about it.
1013
00:40:55,106 --> 00:40:56,272
[Bill laughs]
1014
00:40:56,274 --> 00:40:57,940
Sex on heroin's weird.
1015
00:40:57,942 --> 00:40:59,441
? upbeat music ?
1016
00:40:59,443 --> 00:41:01,410
It's like you're asleep,
1017
00:41:01,412 --> 00:41:02,811
and every five minutes,
you're getting woken up
1018
00:41:02,813 --> 00:41:04,580
because someone's fucking you.
1019
00:41:04,582 --> 00:41:07,416
[laughter]
1020
00:41:07,418 --> 00:41:12,354
??
1021
00:41:14,258 --> 00:41:15,623
[Sully] Be cool, be cool.
1022
00:41:15,625 --> 00:41:17,092
[Bill] I'm gonna be cool. Shut up.
1023
00:41:17,094 --> 00:41:18,960
- [man] Good afternoon.
- Hi, I'm Bill Hobbs.
1024
00:41:18,962 --> 00:41:20,762
I'm here to do The Tonight Show.
1025
00:41:20,764 --> 00:41:22,964
- [Sully] Wow.
- [man] Thanks.
1026
00:41:22,966 --> 00:41:26,100
[groans] Look at this, man.
Fuck, it's the big-time.
1027
00:41:26,102 --> 00:41:27,801
Yeah.
1028
00:41:27,803 --> 00:41:28,802
You scared?
1029
00:41:28,804 --> 00:41:30,504
Shitless.
1030
00:41:30,506 --> 00:41:31,671
But it's a dry shitless.
1031
00:41:31,673 --> 00:41:33,607
Mm.
1032
00:41:33,609 --> 00:41:34,909
- Good?
- [man] Here you go.
1033
00:41:34,911 --> 00:41:37,778
- Thanks.
- [man] Have a good one.
1034
00:41:37,780 --> 00:41:40,915
Ahh. Suck it in, Sull.
You'll never be here.
1035
00:41:40,917 --> 00:41:44,784
- Thank you so much.
- [laughs]
1036
00:41:44,786 --> 00:41:47,686
Listen up! Show of hands...
1037
00:41:47,688 --> 00:41:51,357
how many people want to
see Bill fail tonight?
1038
00:41:51,359 --> 00:41:52,858
[people murmuring]
1039
00:41:52,860 --> 00:41:55,594
Now, how many people really
want to see him eat shit?
1040
00:41:55,596 --> 00:41:58,264
[people cheering loudly]
1041
00:41:58,266 --> 00:42:01,266
Okay, tone it down.
It's The Tonight Show.
1042
00:42:01,268 --> 00:42:03,035
We need to celebrate one of our own,
1043
00:42:03,037 --> 00:42:04,336
even if it's Bill.
1044
00:42:04,338 --> 00:42:06,371
[Maggie] Guys, we have
work to do in here.
1045
00:42:06,373 --> 00:42:09,007
Yes, you have to take your
little party to the Cellar.
1046
00:42:09,009 --> 00:42:10,976
All right, you heard the
pretty lady, to the Cellar.
1047
00:42:10,978 --> 00:42:12,710
All right. Tonight's on Ron!
1048
00:42:12,712 --> 00:42:13,812
[Ron grumbles comically]
1049
00:42:16,015 --> 00:42:17,348
[Edgar] All right, thank you very much.
1050
00:42:17,350 --> 00:42:18,682
Ralph, you coming?
1051
00:42:18,684 --> 00:42:20,651
I'm gonna catch up with y'all later.
1052
00:42:24,057 --> 00:42:27,058
[rock music playing, indistinct chatter]
1053
00:42:27,060 --> 00:42:31,996
??
1054
00:42:35,300 --> 00:42:38,134
I ain't here to give you shit.
1055
00:42:38,136 --> 00:42:39,569
Oh, social call, then?
1056
00:42:39,571 --> 00:42:41,671
Ah, something like that.
1057
00:42:41,673 --> 00:42:45,508
Look, I'm gonna talk, you gonna listen,
1058
00:42:45,510 --> 00:42:46,742
and then I'm gonna leave.
1059
00:42:46,744 --> 00:42:48,445
Cool?
1060
00:42:50,247 --> 00:42:54,549
When I was your age, I
joined the military.
1061
00:42:54,551 --> 00:42:56,852
Was gonna be a career man.
1062
00:42:56,854 --> 00:43:00,255
Then the war broke out, and they
shipped my ass off to 'Nam.
1063
00:43:00,257 --> 00:43:04,326
Did two tours, saw all kinds of shit,
1064
00:43:04,328 --> 00:43:06,928
but the one thing that I
saw over and over again
1065
00:43:06,930 --> 00:43:11,665
were kids put into situations
they had no idea how to handle.
1066
00:43:11,667 --> 00:43:15,269
What, you saying this 'cause
you feel like I ain't ready?
1067
00:43:15,271 --> 00:43:17,838
We still in the "you
listening" part, you dig?
1068
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:21,342
??
1069
00:43:23,113 --> 00:43:26,546
There are people... and they
were just kids back then...
1070
00:43:26,548 --> 00:43:29,616
in places right now 'cause of me.
1071
00:43:29,618 --> 00:43:32,585
Homes, jobs, families.
1072
00:43:32,587 --> 00:43:33,853
I'm proud of that.
1073
00:43:33,855 --> 00:43:35,755
I took care of them. I saw them through.
1074
00:43:35,757 --> 00:43:37,790
??
1075
00:43:37,792 --> 00:43:40,660
Then there are kids in
places because of me...
1076
00:43:43,764 --> 00:43:46,298
I'm not so proud of.
1077
00:43:46,300 --> 00:43:48,901
What, like, graves and shit?
1078
00:43:48,903 --> 00:43:52,871
Yeah, graves and shit...
1079
00:43:52,873 --> 00:43:54,140
and here.
1080
00:43:54,142 --> 00:43:59,144
??
1081
00:43:59,146 --> 00:44:02,247
Can I tell you something I
ain't never told nobody else?
1082
00:44:02,249 --> 00:44:04,449
Of course.
1083
00:44:04,451 --> 00:44:06,418
Man, I'm only 17 years old.
1084
00:44:06,420 --> 00:44:07,652
You're shitting me.
1085
00:44:07,654 --> 00:44:09,587
No, I'm serious.
1086
00:44:09,589 --> 00:44:12,790
I took my... my stepdad's
Eldorado after my mom passed,
1087
00:44:12,792 --> 00:44:14,392
and I drove to L.A.
1088
00:44:14,394 --> 00:44:17,061
Slept in it, met Carl, sold it.
1089
00:44:17,063 --> 00:44:18,295
Damn.
1090
00:44:18,297 --> 00:44:21,298
??
1091
00:44:21,300 --> 00:44:22,832
Look, man, I didn't
mean that ceiling shit
1092
00:44:22,834 --> 00:44:25,402
that I said the other night.
1093
00:44:25,404 --> 00:44:27,671
- That was just me being mad.
- [scoffs]
1094
00:44:27,673 --> 00:44:29,073
I know.
1095
00:44:29,075 --> 00:44:31,808
[scoffs]
1096
00:44:31,810 --> 00:44:34,110
It's too bad that shit is true.
1097
00:44:35,746 --> 00:44:38,181
You got a God-given gift.
1098
00:44:38,183 --> 00:44:41,016
You gonna be big, Adam, real big.
1099
00:44:41,018 --> 00:44:42,518
I mean, most of us...
1100
00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:44,820
[scoffs] These motherfuckers,
1101
00:44:44,822 --> 00:44:47,790
we gonna be climbing and climbing...
1102
00:44:47,792 --> 00:44:50,158
till we just hanging by our fingertips.
1103
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:52,827
We gonna need somebody to stomp
on 'em before we see the light.
1104
00:44:52,829 --> 00:44:54,829
- [laughs]
- You know what I'm saying?
1105
00:44:54,831 --> 00:44:56,331
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
1106
00:44:56,333 --> 00:44:58,100
Well, well, well...
1107
00:44:58,102 --> 00:45:01,303
You thinking about
coming over, too, Ralph?
1108
00:45:01,305 --> 00:45:03,138
Look...
1109
00:45:03,140 --> 00:45:04,839
you take care of yourself, you hear me?
1110
00:45:04,841 --> 00:45:06,673
Yeah.
1111
00:45:06,675 --> 00:45:07,841
Think about it.
1112
00:45:07,843 --> 00:45:09,510
It would be an honor
1113
00:45:09,512 --> 00:45:13,647
to have a prominent nigger like
yourself grace up our stage.
1114
00:45:15,351 --> 00:45:18,185
You said that word like you were white.
1115
00:45:18,187 --> 00:45:21,388
Maybe because when I'm talking to you,
1116
00:45:21,390 --> 00:45:23,289
I mean it like I'm white.
1117
00:45:37,772 --> 00:45:39,939
[Ralph chuckles]
1118
00:45:39,941 --> 00:45:44,876
??
1119
00:45:47,515 --> 00:45:50,516
[band playing "The Tonight Show Theme"]
1120
00:45:50,518 --> 00:45:55,454
??
1121
00:45:58,591 --> 00:46:01,526
[indistinct chatter]
1122
00:46:16,642 --> 00:46:19,209
[woman] Oh, my God. Honey, I
need you faster than that.
1123
00:46:19,211 --> 00:46:20,644
[music ends]
1124
00:46:20,646 --> 00:46:22,212
[Johnny] We're back.
1125
00:46:22,214 --> 00:46:23,580
Because you've been
such a great audience,
1126
00:46:23,582 --> 00:46:25,382
we have a treat for you.
1127
00:46:25,384 --> 00:46:28,418
He's a new comic, first
time on The Tonight Show.
1128
00:46:28,420 --> 00:46:30,053
Currently performing at Goldie's
1129
00:46:30,055 --> 00:46:31,987
on Sunset Strip.
1130
00:46:31,989 --> 00:46:34,456
Please give him a nice welcome.
Bill Hobbs.
1131
00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:36,458
[cheers and applause]
1132
00:46:36,460 --> 00:46:39,027
[band playing "The Tonight Show Theme"]
1133
00:46:50,607 --> 00:46:52,740
Got a minute?
1134
00:46:52,742 --> 00:46:53,908
Sit.
1135
00:47:05,021 --> 00:47:06,653
We wrapped last night.
1136
00:47:06,655 --> 00:47:08,522
- Congratulations.
- [lighter clinks]
1137
00:47:21,370 --> 00:47:23,369
What are you?
1138
00:47:25,473 --> 00:47:27,940
Come again?
1139
00:47:27,942 --> 00:47:30,776
You asked me that.
1140
00:47:30,778 --> 00:47:33,946
I was sitting right here. It
was right after Clay died.
1141
00:47:35,983 --> 00:47:38,751
And, uh, I didn't know the answer then.
1142
00:47:41,154 --> 00:47:43,455
But...
1143
00:47:43,457 --> 00:47:44,889
I do now.
1144
00:47:44,891 --> 00:47:47,259
I'm all ears.
1145
00:47:50,297 --> 00:47:52,864
I am whatever it takes.
1146
00:47:52,866 --> 00:47:54,799
[scoffs] Is that supposed to wow me?
1147
00:47:54,801 --> 00:47:56,300
Goldie, you... [groans]
1148
00:47:56,302 --> 00:47:58,302
got your pound of flesh in the trades.
1149
00:47:58,304 --> 00:47:59,737
What more do you need?
1150
00:47:59,739 --> 00:48:02,640
You come in here all swagger
and cigarette smoke
1151
00:48:02,642 --> 00:48:06,176
when one good breeze would
knock you on your ass.
1152
00:48:06,178 --> 00:48:08,679
Oh, because you're the only tough one?
1153
00:48:08,681 --> 00:48:10,614
[sighs]
1154
00:48:12,084 --> 00:48:13,449
What do you want, Cass?
1155
00:48:14,653 --> 00:48:16,252
Hmm?
1156
00:48:16,254 --> 00:48:18,888
I want to go back up here...
1157
00:48:18,890 --> 00:48:20,122
on your stage.
1158
00:48:25,229 --> 00:48:27,096
Like nothing happened?
1159
00:48:28,433 --> 00:48:30,699
No.
1160
00:48:30,701 --> 00:48:33,868
Like a lot happened.
1161
00:48:35,105 --> 00:48:38,039
[lighter clinks, clicks]
1162
00:48:40,544 --> 00:48:43,478
[lighter clinks, thuds on desk]
1163
00:48:46,350 --> 00:48:48,282
[exhales deeply]
1164
00:48:49,686 --> 00:48:50,851
Okay.
1165
00:48:53,289 --> 00:48:56,190
I'll see what time I can open
up for you in the Cellar.
1166
00:48:57,560 --> 00:48:59,493
[chuckles]
1167
00:49:03,933 --> 00:49:05,565
[sighs] The Cellar.
1168
00:49:05,567 --> 00:49:07,534
[scoffs]
1169
00:49:07,536 --> 00:49:09,402
There a problem?
1170
00:49:09,404 --> 00:49:12,405
? serious piano music ?
1171
00:49:12,407 --> 00:49:15,942
??
1172
00:49:15,944 --> 00:49:17,811
Good.
1173
00:49:17,813 --> 00:49:20,380
Stick around. Bill's gonna be on soon.
1174
00:49:20,382 --> 00:49:22,614
They're setting up the TV down there.
1175
00:49:22,616 --> 00:49:25,484
I hear it's turning
into quite the party.
1176
00:49:25,486 --> 00:49:30,422
??
1177
00:49:31,492 --> 00:49:33,058
Thank you.
1178
00:49:34,928 --> 00:49:36,795
- [Sully] Come on, man, more.
- [Bill] What?
1179
00:49:36,797 --> 00:49:38,263
[Sully] Come on, what was it like?
1180
00:49:38,265 --> 00:49:39,997
- [Sully] Come on.
- [Bill] Honestly?
1181
00:49:39,999 --> 00:49:41,232
Yeah.
1182
00:49:41,234 --> 00:49:42,400
I don't know if anything in my life
1183
00:49:42,402 --> 00:49:44,569
will ever make me as happy as this.
1184
00:49:44,571 --> 00:49:46,971
Like, what are you thinking
when you're standing up there?
1185
00:49:46,973 --> 00:49:49,674
[sighs] Truthfully?
1186
00:49:49,676 --> 00:49:50,908
Yeah.
1187
00:49:53,246 --> 00:49:54,879
How I wish my dad was there.
1188
00:49:56,147 --> 00:49:57,814
I know. You'd think,
1189
00:49:57,816 --> 00:49:59,783
after what he did,
1190
00:49:59,785 --> 00:50:01,284
how we were always at
each other's throats...
1191
00:50:01,286 --> 00:50:04,053
but I swear to God, Sull...
1192
00:50:05,591 --> 00:50:07,424
it was the happiest moment of my life,
1193
00:50:07,426 --> 00:50:09,626
and more than anything,
I wanted to share it
1194
00:50:09,628 --> 00:50:12,128
with the person who
couldn't have cared less.
1195
00:50:20,304 --> 00:50:22,137
Why are you so sure he didn't care?
1196
00:50:27,311 --> 00:50:29,977
Because he could've been here.
1197
00:50:29,979 --> 00:50:31,846
He chose not to.
1198
00:50:31,848 --> 00:50:34,849
? gentle music ?
1199
00:50:34,851 --> 00:50:39,788
??
1200
00:50:41,658 --> 00:50:44,025
Hey, you mind if I drop
you off at Goldie's?
1201
00:50:44,027 --> 00:50:46,727
I'm not sure I want to watch
tonight with everyone.
1202
00:50:46,729 --> 00:50:51,665
??
1203
00:50:56,171 --> 00:50:58,972
Actually, um...
1204
00:50:58,974 --> 00:51:02,342
I don't think I want to go either.
1205
00:51:02,344 --> 00:51:04,176
??
1206
00:51:04,178 --> 00:51:06,078
Great.
1207
00:51:06,080 --> 00:51:11,050
??
1208
00:51:11,052 --> 00:51:13,252
- [Ron] Al!
- [Arnie] Al, put it up.
1209
00:51:13,254 --> 00:51:15,254
- [man] Crank it up, man.
- Up, up, up, up, up.
1210
00:51:15,256 --> 00:51:17,356
- [man] Lower it a little bit.
- Guys, we're in a cellar.
1211
00:51:17,358 --> 00:51:18,758
Is he gonna get the couch, folks?
1212
00:51:18,760 --> 00:51:21,225
Is he going to get the couch? I say no.
1213
00:51:21,227 --> 00:51:22,594
Put your hand on the metal pipe.
1214
00:51:22,596 --> 00:51:23,929
- Touch the metal pipe.
- [Edgar] Two dollars.
1215
00:51:23,931 --> 00:51:25,530
[woman] Hold your breath, Al.
1216
00:51:25,532 --> 00:51:27,165
Yeah.
1217
00:51:27,167 --> 00:51:29,067
The commercial is almost over. Hurry up.
1218
00:51:29,069 --> 00:51:32,203
[indistinct chatter]
1219
00:51:32,205 --> 00:51:33,338
You're up in five minutes.
1220
00:51:33,340 --> 00:51:35,574
Bill's up next.
1221
00:51:35,576 --> 00:51:37,675
Edgar's got all my money
in his hands right now.
1222
00:51:37,677 --> 00:51:38,843
We're still open.
1223
00:51:38,845 --> 00:51:40,578
[scoffs]
1224
00:51:40,580 --> 00:51:42,513
[indistinct chatter continues
1225
00:51:42,515 --> 00:51:43,948
- [man] Here we go.
- [Edgar] Here we go.
1226
00:51:43,950 --> 00:51:46,283
Everybody shut the fuck up.
1227
00:51:46,285 --> 00:51:49,520
[band playing "The Tonight
Show Theme" on TV]
1228
00:51:49,522 --> 00:51:51,455
Shh. I think this is gonna be Bill.
1229
00:51:51,457 --> 00:51:53,223
- [man] Here we go.
- Last-minute bets.
1230
00:51:53,225 --> 00:51:55,558
- Shh! Quiet!
- [Johnny] We're back.
1231
00:51:55,560 --> 00:51:57,627
We have a treat for you.
1232
00:51:57,629 --> 00:52:00,730
He's a new comic, currently
performing at Goldie's
1233
00:52:00,732 --> 00:52:04,133
- on the Sunset Strip.
- Goldie!
1234
00:52:04,135 --> 00:52:05,969
- [woman] Goldie.
- Yeah!
1235
00:52:05,971 --> 00:52:07,704
[Johnny] Please give him a nice welcome.
Bill Hobbs.
1236
00:52:07,706 --> 00:52:09,873
[band playing "The Tonight
Show Theme" on TV]
1237
00:52:09,875 --> 00:52:11,874
[cheers and applause]
1238
00:52:11,876 --> 00:52:16,812
??
1239
00:52:18,115 --> 00:52:19,381
[woman] He looks good.
1240
00:52:19,383 --> 00:52:21,082
He looks like a Polish band leader.
1241
00:52:21,084 --> 00:52:22,551
I'm not married.
1242
00:52:22,553 --> 00:52:24,285
I'm 28. I am looking, though.
1243
00:52:24,287 --> 00:52:25,954
It's just really hard to find someone
1244
00:52:25,956 --> 00:52:28,456
to share your love, your
hopes, your dreams.
1245
00:52:28,458 --> 00:52:30,925
Jesus. Camera really does
add ten pounds, right?
1246
00:52:30,927 --> 00:52:33,260
Apparently 20 this time, that fat fuck.
1247
00:52:33,262 --> 00:52:34,495
[laughter]
1248
00:52:34,497 --> 00:52:36,063
Animals have it right, you know?
1249
00:52:36,065 --> 00:52:37,665
Two dogs meet, sniff here, sniff there,
1250
00:52:37,667 --> 00:52:39,500
they have sex,
1251
00:52:39,502 --> 00:52:41,468
then it's immediately back
to chasing squirrels.
1252
00:52:41,470 --> 00:52:43,170
No one's mad that no one called.
1253
00:52:43,172 --> 00:52:45,772
- There's never any guilting.
- [laughter]
1254
00:52:45,774 --> 00:52:48,074
You're never gonna hear,
"Spike, it's Fluffy."
1255
00:52:48,076 --> 00:52:49,509
What's that like?
1256
00:52:49,511 --> 00:52:51,511
- "Fluffy, the white terrier."
- [laughter]
1257
00:52:51,513 --> 00:52:54,147
You know who Sisyphus is?
1258
00:52:54,149 --> 00:52:56,449
Yeah, the guy who had to keep
pushing a boulder up a hill
1259
00:52:56,451 --> 00:52:58,518
only to keep having it
roll back down on him.
1260
00:52:58,520 --> 00:53:00,854
Like that.
1261
00:53:00,856 --> 00:53:03,789
Yeah, but isn't that pretty
much everything in life?
1262
00:53:03,791 --> 00:53:05,323
For everyone?
1263
00:53:05,325 --> 00:53:07,492
Just instead of a boulder,
it's the sun coming up
1264
00:53:07,494 --> 00:53:08,961
and getting out of bed?
1265
00:53:08,963 --> 00:53:10,328
[chuckles]
1266
00:53:10,330 --> 00:53:11,764
Fuck, you might as well
push it up for Carson
1267
00:53:11,766 --> 00:53:13,465
as anything.
1268
00:53:13,467 --> 00:53:15,200
Eddie...
1269
00:53:15,202 --> 00:53:19,371
and I mean this with love, fuck Carson.
1270
00:53:19,373 --> 00:53:21,673
[Bill] Do you think I was
born yesterday? I'm two.
1271
00:53:21,675 --> 00:53:23,675
- [laughter]
- [band playing jazz on TV]
1272
00:53:23,677 --> 00:53:25,677
[cheers and applause]
1273
00:53:25,679 --> 00:53:30,615
??
1274
00:53:33,053 --> 00:53:36,054
[applause]
1275
00:53:36,056 --> 00:53:38,221
??
1276
00:53:38,223 --> 00:53:40,657
He got the fucking couch.
He got the fucking couch!
1277
00:53:40,659 --> 00:53:43,226
[all cheering]
1278
00:53:46,164 --> 00:53:48,732
[applause]
1279
00:53:48,734 --> 00:53:51,735
? sentimental music ?
1280
00:53:51,737 --> 00:53:56,672
??
1281
00:54:08,586 --> 00:54:10,586
I'm a salesman.
1282
00:54:10,588 --> 00:54:15,523
??
1283
00:54:27,403 --> 00:54:29,402
[chuckles]
1284
00:54:29,404 --> 00:54:34,341
??
1285
00:55:05,973 --> 00:55:08,974
[Badfinger's "No Matter What"
playing over stereo at Goldie's]
1286
00:55:08,976 --> 00:55:12,377
??
1287
00:55:12,379 --> 00:55:15,213
? No matter what you are ?
1288
00:55:15,215 --> 00:55:16,614
??
1289
00:55:16,616 --> 00:55:19,550
? I will always be with you ?
1290
00:55:19,552 --> 00:55:21,385
- That lady was nice.
- [laughs]
1291
00:55:21,387 --> 00:55:23,554
- She wanted me.
- Oh, look what I got.
1292
00:55:23,556 --> 00:55:24,722
Better get some beer
before the keg dries out.
1293
00:55:24,724 --> 00:55:26,791
Oh, she's the finest...
1294
00:55:26,793 --> 00:55:29,293
Oh, stop it. Oh, hi there. Okay.
1295
00:55:29,295 --> 00:55:31,662
Ron. Ron, help me here.
1296
00:55:31,664 --> 00:55:33,230
[music continues downstairs]
1297
00:55:33,232 --> 00:55:35,799
? I will always be around ?
1298
00:55:35,801 --> 00:55:37,500
??
1299
00:55:37,502 --> 00:55:41,437
? Won't you tell me
what you found, girl? ?
1300
00:55:41,439 --> 00:55:44,941
? Ooh, girl, won't you? ?
1301
00:55:44,943 --> 00:55:47,577
[vacuum cleaner running]
1302
00:55:47,579 --> 00:55:50,346
? Knock down the old gray wall ?
1303
00:55:50,348 --> 00:55:51,748
[indistinct chatter]
1304
00:55:51,750 --> 00:55:54,349
? Be a part of it all ?
1305
00:55:54,351 --> 00:55:56,284
? Nothing to say ?
1306
00:55:56,286 --> 00:55:58,587
? Nothing to see ?
1307
00:55:58,589 --> 00:56:00,422
? Nothing to do ?
1308
00:56:00,424 --> 00:56:03,425
? droning music ?
1309
00:56:03,427 --> 00:56:08,130
??
1310
00:56:08,132 --> 00:56:11,165
? As I would give it to you ?
1311
00:56:11,167 --> 00:56:12,533
? Nothing would be... ?
1312
00:56:12,535 --> 00:56:15,169
[lighter clinks, clicks]
1313
00:56:15,171 --> 00:56:18,339
? Nothing would be ?
1314
00:56:18,341 --> 00:56:21,609
? No matter where you go ?
1315
00:56:21,611 --> 00:56:23,945
You did good tonight, Billy.
1316
00:56:23,947 --> 00:56:26,280
? There will always be a place ?
1317
00:56:26,282 --> 00:56:28,014
[chuckles]
1318
00:56:28,016 --> 00:56:30,984
? Can't you see it in my face, girl? ?
1319
00:56:30,986 --> 00:56:34,988
? Ooh, girl, won't you? ?
1320
00:56:34,990 --> 00:56:39,993
??
1321
00:56:39,995 --> 00:56:41,694
[Ralph] Speak of the Devil,
and a redhead appears.
1322
00:56:41,696 --> 00:56:45,731
[all cheering]
1323
00:56:45,733 --> 00:56:48,033
[woman] Hey! Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill!
1324
00:56:48,035 --> 00:56:51,003
[items breaking, men grunting]
1325
00:56:51,005 --> 00:56:52,071
- [Arnie coughs]
- What the fuck?
1326
00:56:52,073 --> 00:56:53,672
Get the fuck off of him!
1327
00:56:53,674 --> 00:56:55,407
- Fucker!
- [both groan]
1328
00:56:55,409 --> 00:56:56,742
You all right, Arnie?
1329
00:56:56,744 --> 00:56:58,043
- You all right?
- [coughing]
1330
00:56:58,045 --> 00:57:00,045
What the fuck are you doing here?
1331
00:57:00,047 --> 00:57:01,746
[scoffs]
1332
00:57:01,748 --> 00:57:03,347
I came upstairs to get more booze,
1333
00:57:03,349 --> 00:57:05,516
and I saw him sneak into your office.
1334
00:57:05,518 --> 00:57:06,818
You want me to call the cops?
1335
00:57:06,820 --> 00:57:09,420
No, no fucking cops.
1336
00:57:09,422 --> 00:57:10,721
Go get a drink. I'll be all right.
1337
00:57:10,723 --> 00:57:13,224
[Teddy] Oh. [coughs]
1338
00:57:13,226 --> 00:57:14,926
Fuck.
1339
00:57:14,928 --> 00:57:17,395
Go on. It's all right.
I'll be all right.
1340
00:57:17,397 --> 00:57:19,396
- [Teddy sobbing]
- [door creaks closed]
1341
00:57:19,398 --> 00:57:20,197
[lock clicks]
1342
00:57:23,602 --> 00:57:26,937
[sniffling]
1343
00:57:26,939 --> 00:57:28,939
It's just... [breathing
heavily] Oh, my God.
1344
00:57:28,941 --> 00:57:31,942
[rock music plays downstairs]
1345
00:57:31,944 --> 00:57:33,576
??
1346
00:57:33,578 --> 00:57:35,377
[burps]
1347
00:57:35,379 --> 00:57:37,379
[sighs]
1348
00:57:37,381 --> 00:57:42,318
??
1349
00:57:44,222 --> 00:57:46,622
It's done, Ted.
1350
00:57:48,726 --> 00:57:50,392
Come on.
1351
00:57:50,394 --> 00:57:55,330
??
1352
00:58:01,104 --> 00:58:03,738
You called me, remember?
1353
00:58:03,740 --> 00:58:08,743
??
1354
00:58:08,745 --> 00:58:12,079
It's better in the long run, huh?
1355
00:58:12,081 --> 00:58:14,448
??
1356
00:58:14,450 --> 00:58:16,083
Hmm?
1357
00:58:16,085 --> 00:58:19,153
??
1358
00:58:19,155 --> 00:58:21,155
Long live the king.
1359
00:58:21,157 --> 00:58:22,957
??
1360
00:58:22,959 --> 00:58:25,625
[Teddy slurps drink]
1361
00:58:25,627 --> 00:58:27,760
??
1362
00:58:27,762 --> 00:58:29,729
? Looking for a girl like you ?
1363
00:58:29,731 --> 00:58:31,097
Here we go. Get 'em while they're cold.
1364
00:58:31,099 --> 00:58:32,298
[man] Hey!
1365
00:58:32,300 --> 00:58:34,100
All right, who wants one? Who wants...
1366
00:58:34,102 --> 00:58:35,735
Hey, don't you owe a
bunch of people money?
1367
00:58:35,737 --> 00:58:37,436
- Shut up, man.
- Who do you owe money to?
1368
00:58:37,438 --> 00:58:39,138
Oh, he bet you wouldn't get the couch.
1369
00:58:39,140 --> 00:58:40,773
You bet against me?
1370
00:58:40,775 --> 00:58:42,275
Are you surprised?
1371
00:58:42,277 --> 00:58:43,641
You got it the day before.
What do you want me to do?
1372
00:58:43,643 --> 00:58:44,776
- [Bill groans]
- [man] Not a bad bet.
1373
00:58:44,778 --> 00:58:46,578
- [man] Yeah.
- Not a bad bet.
1374
00:58:46,580 --> 00:58:48,413
Yeah, I shouldn't be surprised.
To Edgar losing again.
1375
00:58:48,415 --> 00:58:50,983
[all cheering]
1376
00:58:50,985 --> 00:58:52,650
Cheers.
1377
00:58:52,652 --> 00:58:54,953
All right, I got your
money if you want it.
1378
00:58:54,955 --> 00:58:56,488
So how was the couch?
1379
00:58:56,490 --> 00:58:58,656
Warm. Couch was very, very warm, man.
1380
00:58:58,658 --> 00:59:00,258
Carol Channing, say what you will,
1381
00:59:00,260 --> 00:59:02,526
her ass is an octogenarian fire pit.
1382
00:59:02,528 --> 00:59:04,028
[laughter]
1383
00:59:04,030 --> 00:59:05,429
Wait, so, Bill, what
did Carson say to you,
1384
00:59:05,431 --> 00:59:06,964
like, when he leaned in
during the commercial?
1385
00:59:06,966 --> 00:59:09,466
He told me, "Lose the beard."
1386
00:59:09,468 --> 00:59:10,968
- Mm, smart.
- Yeah.
1387
00:59:10,970 --> 00:59:12,703
You tell him Cassie already dumped you?
1388
00:59:12,705 --> 00:59:15,339
[all] Oh!
1389
00:59:15,341 --> 00:59:17,207
[man] Hey, get out of here! Come on!
1390
00:59:17,209 --> 00:59:19,009
Anyone in here like booze?
1391
00:59:19,011 --> 00:59:22,012
[all cheering]
1392
00:59:22,014 --> 00:59:23,479
??
1393
00:59:23,481 --> 00:59:25,348
All right, courtesy of Goldie.
1394
00:59:25,350 --> 00:59:26,616
Yeah, baby!
1395
00:59:26,618 --> 00:59:27,951
[man] Yeah, buddy!
1396
00:59:27,953 --> 00:59:30,954
[man] No, but short. Man up. Man up!
1397
00:59:30,956 --> 00:59:33,856
[all talking at once]
1398
00:59:33,858 --> 00:59:35,891
This thing on?
1399
00:59:35,893 --> 00:59:37,726
??
1400
00:59:37,728 --> 00:59:40,529
[Ralph] ? Yeah, he hit
it almost every night ?
1401
00:59:40,531 --> 00:59:43,732
? When that moon is big and bright ?
1402
00:59:43,734 --> 00:59:46,068
? It's a supernatural delight ?
1403
00:59:46,070 --> 00:59:48,070
What the hell is that?
1404
00:59:48,072 --> 00:59:51,806
[Ralph] ? Everybody's
dancing in the moonlight ?
1405
00:59:51,808 --> 00:59:53,074
Whoo!
1406
00:59:53,076 --> 00:59:54,475
Bill!
1407
00:59:54,477 --> 00:59:56,344
Got the motherfucking couch, y'all!
1408
00:59:56,346 --> 00:59:58,046
[all cheering]
1409
00:59:58,048 --> 00:59:59,814
[King Harvest's "Dancing
in the Moonlight" playing]
1410
00:59:59,816 --> 01:00:01,749
[singing along] ? Everybody
here is out of sight ?
1411
01:00:01,751 --> 01:00:04,485
? They don't bark, and they don't bite ?
1412
01:00:04,487 --> 01:00:08,755
? They keep things loose,
they keep things light ?
1413
01:00:08,757 --> 01:00:13,593
? Everybody was dancing
in the moonlight ?
1414
01:00:13,595 --> 01:00:15,862
? Dancing in the moonlight ?
1415
01:00:15,864 --> 01:00:19,499
[all] ? Everybody's
feeling warm and bright ?
1416
01:00:19,501 --> 01:00:23,070
? It's such a fine and natural sight ?
1417
01:00:23,072 --> 01:00:26,672
? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?
1418
01:00:26,674 --> 01:00:30,009
[Ralph singing along] ? We like
our fun, and we never fight ?
1419
01:00:30,011 --> 01:00:32,445
? We don't dance and stay uptight ?
1420
01:00:32,447 --> 01:00:37,049
? It's a supernatural delight ?
1421
01:00:37,051 --> 01:00:41,753
? Everybody was dancing
in the moonlight ?
1422
01:00:41,755 --> 01:00:43,955
[all] ? Dancing in the moonlight ?
1423
01:00:43,957 --> 01:00:47,592
? Everybody's feeling warm and bright ?
1424
01:00:47,594 --> 01:00:51,062
? It's such a fine and natural sight ?
1425
01:00:51,064 --> 01:00:55,233
? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?
1426
01:00:55,235 --> 01:00:58,103
[Ralph singing along] ? We have
our fun, and we never fight ?
1427
01:00:58,105 --> 01:01:00,637
? We don't dance and stay uptight ?
1428
01:01:00,639 --> 01:01:05,109
? It's a supernatural delight ?
1429
01:01:05,111 --> 01:01:10,114
[all] ? Everybody was
dancing in the moonlight ?
1430
01:01:10,116 --> 01:01:12,149
? Dancing in the moonlight ?
1431
01:01:12,151 --> 01:01:15,919
? Everybody's feeling warm and bright ?
1432
01:01:15,921 --> 01:01:19,322
? It's such a fine and natural sight ?
1433
01:01:19,324 --> 01:01:24,160
? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?
1434
01:01:24,162 --> 01:01:26,295
? Dancing in the moonlight ?
1435
01:01:26,297 --> 01:01:29,932
? Everybody's feeling warm and bright ?
1436
01:01:29,934 --> 01:01:33,201
? It's such a fine and natural sight ?
1437
01:01:33,203 --> 01:01:37,105
? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?
1438
01:01:37,107 --> 01:01:39,307
[Ralph] Whoo-hoo-hoo!
1439
01:01:39,309 --> 01:01:42,310
[indistinct chatter]
1440
01:01:42,312 --> 01:01:47,249
??
1441
01:01:51,020 --> 01:01:54,621
? Everybody here is out of sight ?
1442
01:01:54,623 --> 01:01:57,191
? They don't bark, and they don't bite ?
1443
01:01:57,193 --> 01:01:58,959
? They keep things loose ?
1444
01:01:58,961 --> 01:02:01,529
- [siren wailing]
- ? They keep things light ?
1445
01:02:01,531 --> 01:02:05,332
? Everybody was dancing
in the moonlight ?
1446
01:02:05,334 --> 01:02:08,535
? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?
1447
01:02:08,537 --> 01:02:12,172
? Everybody's feeling warm and bright ?
1448
01:02:12,174 --> 01:02:15,575
? It's such a fine and natural sight ?
1449
01:02:15,577 --> 01:02:19,345
? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?
1450
01:02:19,347 --> 01:02:22,515
- ? Everybody's ?
- ? Dancing in the moonlight ?
1451
01:02:22,517 --> 01:02:26,085
? Everybody's feeling warm and bright ?
1452
01:02:26,087 --> 01:02:29,421
? It's such a fine and natural sight ?
1453
01:02:29,423 --> 01:02:33,459
? Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ?
1454
01:02:33,509 --> 01:02:38,059
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