All language subtitles for Idiotsitter s01e09 Ex-Boyfriend.eng

What are you doing?

We're supposed to be Zumba-ing,
you zombie.

Have the whole house
to ourselves this weekend.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

You want to come now or keep
playing stare at phone game?

My ex-boyfriend
just invited me to dinner

and I said yes.

Oh, nice.

A little sex with the ex.
Make it more complex.

- I like that.
- No.

Maybe he makes you orgasm?
Look like a tiny T-Rex?

No. No.
I don't want to go. I panicked.

Like saying no would show
weakness or something.

Now he's gonna pick me up

and see how I'm living,
that I'm poor.

I wasted my education.

And you live in a mansion.

I work in a mansion
as a nanny to an adult.

- Okay.
- With no mental disabilities.

Okay, you don't need to

make us both
feel like crap, Billie.

Meanwhile, he's on the back
of his own book jackets.

Whoa.
You dated Juliette Lewis?

- Oh, my gosh, what is she like?
- No, that's him.

She's, like, my favorite singer.

He's in town on a book tour.

Thought he'd take the opportunity

to come by and remind me

how not sad he is
that he dumped me

and what a failure I am,

and stop reading
and enjoying the book, Gene.

I can see you out
of the corner of my eye.

I just want to see
if Sancho takes the bait.

Just let me see!

How could you be so advanced
in this plotline!

It's engaging!
I can't help it!

Okay!
You can barely read.

How do you know so much
about what's going on?

That's not true.
I can read just fine.

Say that word.

"Tuh-rhee."

- Three.
- Okay.

What's this?

A "W."

It's--
that's correct as well.

Ha ha!

Wow, time
really did kill them all.

Yeah, he sucks.

"Yeah, he sucks"? You've been
reading for four hours.

I know, and I hate to read.

Don't you think it's weird
that he just wants to

have dinner all of a sudden?

Maybe, like, you were his best sex

and he misses your body.

- Doubtful.
- Yeah.

- What?
- Maybe he's dying.

- Oh, God. I would love that.
- What?

Oh, my God.

Where's my phone?
I want to cancel.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- I want to cancel.

Let's be proactive,
like Adam Levine's face wash.

- Okay.
- You know what?

Okay, so, this guy dumped you,
right?

'Cause he thought
he could do better.

Right.

And then he turned out
to actually do better,

and you sort of didn't.

I know that.

But we're not gonna give him
the satisfaction, are we?

No.
You know what we're gonna do?

- Think of a plan!
- No, no. No plans.

- I'm so good at them.
- You're not.

I don't want to do any more
of your weird, dumb schemes.

Okay, I got it.

When he shows up, you hide
and I'll be all,

"Oh, Billie?
She died 100 years ago."

Did you hear what I just said?

Wait for the scary punch line.

"100 years ago
[whispers] on this very day."

I'm glad I waited for that.
No.

Ooh, or we could order you
a hot, beefy male prostitute

and you'll be like, "Oh, this guy?

He's my hot,
beefy male husband."

Stop brainstorming.

[deep voice]
"Billie's my wife."

Why did I do this?
This is so dumb.

I'm such an idiot.

You're not.
You're not dumb.

Listen to me.
You're the smartest person

I've ever met, Billie.

Okay? You're the full package.

- You're brains and a bod, okay?
- Thank you.

I bet when guys are [bleep] you,

they're just like, "Shut up."

What?

You know what I'm not gonna do?

I'm not gonna let
this stupid talented writer

with an exceptional ability

to build suspense
come in and make you feel small.

Both: No.

I got the plan.

You're gonna invite him
over for dinner

and you're gonna pretend
that house is yours

and that I work for you!

- No.
- Yes!

Oh, my God.
It's so good.

Maybe we could do it
as a hypothetical.

Yeah?

No, I mean, this isn't
an experiment we could just--

yeah, let's do it.

Okay.

- What?
- Plan.

Oh.
You got to be more clear.

[upbeat music]

Okay.
I got you.

You got to trust me, though.
It's not my first rodeo.

It is my first time
doing makeup on someone, though.

I do have nice cheekbones.
I'd love to pop those out.

Oh, they're popping.

Okay, this without a bra, though.

- No, no, no, no.
- Don't wear a bra.

It's like you need no makeup.

I normally don't do
a lot of makeup.

Oops. I just--
you know what?

It actually doesn't look that bad.

This one's nude.

It'll remind him
what you'll look like nude.

I feel pretty.

I'm just gonna add
a little bit of foundation.

- Okay.
- That's what I do last.

Are you sure foundation goes last?

What about this dress?

And it comes with pants.

[laughs]

- [forced laugh]
- Oh, God.

- [laughs]
- [squeals]

- No.
- [shouts]

- You know what? Don't laugh.
- Okay.

Your brows are like the arrows
to your eyes.

- No. No eyebrows.
- What do you mean no eyebrows?

Okay, you know what?

Now that I'm looking at it,
a different eye shadow.

[doorbell rings]

- Good evening.
- Evening.

- You must be Mr. Dobbs.
- Indeed.

I'm Miss Brown's maid
and personal assistant.

My name is Gene Raj.

My name is totally Raj.
That's my name.

All right.
Well, it's a pleasure.

No.
But it is a pleasure.

That's what I said.

What's this?

There it is.
Thank you.

How very Spanish of us.
Please do walk in.

Yeah.
[softly] That's not Spanish.

This is a beautiful house.

Thank you.

For Miss Brown.
I'll tell her you said so.

All right.

Wow.
That is an amazing piece.

Yeah, I like to think of it
as, like, a bunch of fish

who just got an X-ray,
and, like,

they're praying
for positive results

from their fish doctor.

It's like,
"What's gonna happen?"

- Is she here?
- Yeah, of course.

And I will get her.
He's here!

[epic music]

Wilhemina Brown.

McCallister Doobs.

- Dobbs.
- Oh, right.

Pardon me.

It's been so long, and I've
forgotten so much about you.

- Mm.
- Sorry about the echo in here.

It's 'cause my house is so big.

You know what they say
about people with big houses.

- Mm-mm.
- Big clit.

Can I ask how you came
into all this wealth?

You can.

Long answer is--
how much time do you have?

[both laugh]

The... short answer is

I own a boat company

that I have.
- Mm-hmm.

But why talk about business
when you can embrace?

Okay.
You all right?

You smell wonderful.

Thank you, Gene.

- It's Raj. My name.
- Raj, of course.

- Shall we...
- Jesus.

- Shall we eat?
- Oh, no,

'cause dinner's not ready yet.

Why?
I mean, I know.

You know what,
how about a little tour?

That's what I was going
to say if you'd let me finish.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was also gonna
suggest just that.

Good idea.

- This is my own cinema paradiso.
- Mm-hmm.

It spoiled me
for the theaters, but--

Let's see
what's on the reels here.

[growls]

Oh, nope. Nope.
Sorry about that.

That is my porn.
It's totally Raj's porn.

Nothing gets me more horned up
than drawn-on dinks.

[laughs]
My staff is very, uh, "allowed."

Soup's on!

[exhales]
Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yes, just seat yourself,
McCallister.

I'll be back momentarily.
Gene!

- Oh, those are [bleep] done.
- Gene!

- Huh? What?
- Who is this?

- This isn't part of the plan.
- This is New Chet.

Hi.
I'm Darryl.

I was inspired by your whole
blast from the past situation.

Darryl and I used
to ass-mule liquid cocaine

out of the Bahamas together.

And we were married.

Oh, that's right!
We were.

- Right? Yes.
- Oh, for two days.

- Yeah, 'member?
- Oh, my gosh.

Wednesday and--

both: Thursday.
- Excuse me!

- What?
- The burner isn't even on.

His burner's not--
you're cooking over nothing.

- Okay.
- Oh, God.

This isn't going well.

No, no, no, no.
I'm gonna tell him.

No, no, no, no.
You can't tell him.

You can't tell him.
It's gonna be fine.

Get your hair-finger
out of the soup!

Look, solved.

He just sucked--

Darryl is here for a reason,
okay, mon?

Why are you talking
like a Rastafarian?

Okay.

Can you bend at all?
Got it? Okay.

Thank you.

Dinner will be here soon,
because I-I'ma get it.

Thank you.

So nice of you to come tonight.

And I've changed so much
since our... "skyool" days.

What's with your voice?

Sort of a global accent.

I'm very world-traveled,
like Madonna Ciccone,

who I've met
at several giant balls.

Where did you, uh, travel last?

I love to travel.

Oh, it's...
all a blur.

- Peni--Pen Island.
- Hmm?

So glad we could do this.

You mentioned that,
like, 30 seconds ago.

- Mm.
- It actually worked out well

'cause my book signing, um,
was canceled.

That must make you feel like...

no one likes your books.

No.
No, just too many RSVPs.

Had to move it to a bigger venue.

I'll be hitting up
the B & Nobles

in Pasadena tomorrow.

Grea--great.

So glad you could come.

You said that.

Boom, boom, shake the room.

There we go.

Nah, you haven't seen me
in a bunch of years though, man.

I am grown.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I've got a house.
I'm in a bowling league.

- What?
- Yeah.

I've got, like, two, three kids.

So, you're
not a prostitute anymore?

- No, I'm still a prostitute.
- Oh.

So, how's married life?
Terribly confining or--

Ugh.
Alice left me.

We're in the middle
of a divorce right now.

It's ugly.

I'm so sorry, McCallister.
I didn't--I didn't know.

Don't be. Actually,
it turned out quite well.

I'm now dating successful
screenwriter Diablo Cody.

She won the Oscar for
"Juno."

- Never heard of it.
- Yes, you have.

I don't know.
J'you know?

It's "Juno."
The movie.

J'you know what movie?

J'you know that I'm dating

successful screenwriter
Diablo Cody?

I don't know, like,
what's making me think of this

right now, but I've, like,
always wanted to be a witch,

with, like, a bubbling cauldron.

That's super dope, man.
Go for it.

Thanks. I will.

Hey, remember that Christmas

when we broke
into that kid's house

but we couldn't steal anything
'cause he was so wily?

No.

Yeah, we were casing the place
for weeks posing as plumbers.

I think we even had a name.

The Wet Bandits?

Yes!

Yeah, that's the plot
to "Home Alone."

Oh, so it didn't happen again
in New York?

No.
That's "Home Alone 2."

The other day, we were
laughing our tails off in bed.

I mean, this is, like,

the healthiest relationship
I have ever been in.

Mutual respect has been
a, uh... revelation.

[mumbling]
Is it hot in here?

Are you seeing anyone?

I'm seeing... everyone.

Sorry.
Sorry for the delay.

Tuna tartare?

- [whispers] What is this?
- It's tuna tartare.

From the sea.

Warm roll, sir?

I think I'll pass.

Oh, take a bite out of that?

You know, you may want
to hire a new chef.

Oh, it's pronounced New Chet,
Doobs.

It's Dobbs.

Fish meat in a circle shape?

I don't want it.

Warm roll, madam?

Um, sure, I'll--

- Oh, wow. What's happening?
- [mouth full] Thank you.

I don't know.

- Comes with a warm cleave kiss.
- Oh, I don't want--

- Mmm.
- Yes.

Oof.
Smells like sex-juices.

No, I think that's the dinner.

- [wet kiss]
- Thank you.

Mmm.
Taste is still on my lips.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Mm?

I want you in me.

Okay.

Everybody's peen
in the room just went "doop"!

No. Not everyone.

Thank you.
You may go.

- Hey, Billie.
- It's not going well.

Leave, leave.

[metallic clang]

Your staff is, um, eccentric.

- Yes.
- Borderline inappropriate.

- Mm-hmm.
- Horny.

Sorry about all this.

I'm on a very strict diet.

I can only eat certain foods.

Just, uh, fish in a can
and generic white bread?

Boring,
but my body looks great naked.

Mm-hmm.

And in very--oops--
plunging necklines, I guess.

It's too low.

If anybody finds a little
dolphin belly button ring,

it belongs to someone
in the kitchen.

[classical music plays
in background]

So, tell me
about your little book.

Well, they're saying
"best-seller."

- Who is?
- "The New York Times."

- Not familiar.
- It's a massive newspaper.

Online or...

Yeah, I'm sure they
have a presence online as well.

- I'll take your word for it.
- You can look it up.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I believe you.

[water sloshes]
- Thank you.

You know, I think you might
actually really like my book.

It's about a scorned lover

who fakes a whole new identify
in order to get revenge.

[forced]
Ha ha ha ha.

Sounds very different
from my lifestyle.

Billie, I write crime novels
for a living.

I notice clues.

There are pictures
of your assistant everywhere

and there are none of you.

And I'm pretty sure your chef,

he offered me sex
at a gas station.

And someone who says they own
a boat company, oh, they don't.

And Raj is wearing
an ankle monitor.

As Diablo once wrote,

"This is one doodle
that can't be untied, home fry."

I don't think that's the line.
Not that I've seen it.

Hmm.
You know what I think?

I think that you're probably
some employee here,

and this woman-child
hatched this farce

because she pities you,
and rightfully so.

Yeah.
Am I close?

You know what?
Maybe I am just an employee.

I am.
I'm a nanny, actually.

And I'm not rich and on the back
of my own book jackets.

But you know what I am?

I am a good person,

and that is something
you will never be.

Mm, how many times
did you rehearse that?

[Bleep] you!

- You look like Juliette Lewis.
- No, I don't.

You were very good
in "Natural Born Killers."

That wasn't me.

Did Robert De Niro's fingers
taste like cigars

in "Cape Fear"?

- What is eating Gilbert Grape?
- That's it. I'm out of here.

- Whoa!
- Hu--

Nobody's going anywhere.

That's a real gun.
He has a real gun!

Yeah, good, Nancy Drew.

You solved the mystery!

Gene, Gene.
Raj!

Yes, my lady?

Hey, boo-boo.

New Chet, what are you doing?

This is not part of the plan.

I got a new plan,

and that involves me
taking money from you guys.

Hey, you want to do
a double whammy?

No.

It's really fun.
We get up super close.

I put the gun in my butt,
pull the trigger...

No.

Bullet goes in my butt,
out my wein-hole,

into your butt,
and out your wein-hole,

and together, as buddies,

we ruin our bathroom parts.

No!

You don't want that purse.

There's nothing in it.
It's Billie's. She's poor.

- Hey.
- Sorry.

Hey, baby, you got your
dinner, now I'm getting my tip.

You feel me?

I don't want to feel your tip.

Excuse me, Mr. New Chet.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Um, I really had
nothing to do with any of this,

and, um,
I'm sort of a personality,

so me being around
is just gonna bring--

Hey, shut up,

or I'm gonna touch your body.

What?

Hey, you, "Maid to Order."

Do you know the code to the safe?

No, I have no idea.

[imitating]
"No, I have no idea."

That's a good impression.

Well, it's all good, my sexy exy.

Stop giving me gun kisses.
Stop it.

My friends Chainsaw
and Dynamite are coming,

and they're bringing a chainsaw
and some dynamite,

so don't worry.
[cell phone rings]

We're gonna crack that bitch.
[ringing]

Dyno, what's up, dog?

Yo, dog.
I already gave you the address.

I don't--hey, Gene!

What's the zip here?

- Oh, 93422.
- Gene, you just--

And at the front gate,
it's
82.

Thank you.
93422--

Damn it! Gene!

Thanks for the lovely evening,
Billie.

It's been great catching up.

Look, I'm sorry, okay,
but this is not my fault.

Who's talking?
I can't see your faces.

Are you suggesting
that this is my fault?

You guys have, like,
the same voice.

The same cadence.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah,
that's what I'm suggesting,

- Tone-wise, you're the same.
- That it's your fault.

My fault?
How is this my fault?

Oh, my God.
I was being sarcastic.

You know what?
I think it's my fault.

I'm the one who invited
the kidnapper into the house.

- Shut up, Gene!
- Shut up, Raj!

That's hurtful, but it is helpful

that we
say each other's names, yes?

Hey, look.
It's a talking party!

Where's my invitation?

And look what I found
in a drawer, woman.

Those aren't mine.
That's not even my style!

Now, give me your wallets.

You don't want mine.
It's full of Pogs!

What about you? You're rich.

- Let's see that money clip.
- What are you doing?

[whiny]
Oh! Quiet.

My parents are in the next room.

- What are you doing?
- Let me see that money clip.

What do you got for me, sir?

Dude, $4
and an expired Discover card?

Uh-huh.

You trying to hold out on me, man?

No, no.

Better show me that money,

or I'm gonna search
all over your body.

I don't have any.

I don't have any money!

I don't have any money!

I am broke, okay?

What?
What about your books?

What?
Nobody buys books anymore.

And besides, I'm in so much debt

it wouldn't
even make a difference.

I invested a lot of money
in private trains,

and it didn't take.

I am a fraud! Okay?

I am a fraud! I am not rich!

I am not dating Diablo Cody!

"The New York Times"
did not review my book!

The only place
that will sell it is CVS!

And I admit it!
I admit it!

Yeah, I do look a little bit
like Juliette Lewis, okay?

Not a ton. Don't say that.

Not a ton, but a little bit.

The only reason I came here

is because I thought that maybe
looking at you in your situation

would make me feel good
about myself, and God, it did.

You are in a horrible place,

but it makes me feel better,
and I thank you.

- Thank you.
- I'm happier because of that.

I'm glad I came.

- Yeah, thank you.
- Thank you.

And if you guys want a deal
on a private--

Oh, my God, dude, shut up.

My God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Darryl, don't.
- Wait!

- I-I know the code to the safe.
- You do?

Yes. Point the gun
at me, White Marley.

Put the gun on her, please!

Oh, my God.
You are a dickhead.

- I know.
- Just untie me and I'll get it.

- You are a major one.
- I'll get you the code.

Just got to get something
out of my--saved it on my phone,

which is in my purse,
which is right here!

[yelps] Ah!

Billie, that was the coolest
thing I've ever seen!

Oh, my God. McCallister,
did you pee your pants?

Where?

On your [bleep] pants, man.

Oh, yeah, that was me.
That's piss.

I love that you still
have the wig on.

So meta! Like,
you should do this "profesh."

I want to.
I'm getting headshots.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Should get some on the freeway.

Yeah, be, like, in a shopping cart

holding a golf club.
All the looks.

What is this?

Breakfast.
Just having breakfast together.

This was the plan?
You knew about this?

Yeah, and it totally worked.

He's, like,
the best actor of all time.

Yeah. I've been studying
at this actors repertory

that's also a cult
for about four years now.

I--this man held us hostage
with a gun.

Ugh, prop gun, you drama queen.

[gunshot]
Oh!

[both snicker]

[laughs]
Oh, my God!

We all could have died.

I was, like,
"That's real, that's real,

that's real, that's real."
- "It's real, it's real."

You pointed it at her first.

- I know, I was, like, boom.
- Don't point it!

I'm sorry.
It's very real.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0