All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s06e17 Thats No Lady, Thats My Spy.eng

( theme song playing )

This looks like the place.

Why are the Underground
sending their leader?

'Cause this information's
too important

to trust to anyone else.

Yeah, and he's gotta
deliver it in person.

Hey, where's Carter?

He was here
a minute ago.

I'll go and get him.

Never mind.
Here I am.

Carter, get rid
of that bush.

But, Colonel,
it's camouflage.

Carter, do as I say.

But there's more bushes
like this back there.

Carter...

What's wrong with
the bush, Colonel?

Well, for one thing,
it's poison ivy.

Don't touch me!

I'm worried
about Danzig, sir.

You don't have to worry
about Oskar Danzig.

He's a master of disguises.

Yeah, he was in
show business.

No kidding, an actor?

Before the war,
he was Germany's top female impersonator.

That must be her... him.

Colonel Hogan.

( whispering ):
Danzig.

I was expecting
somebody with high heels

and a tight girdle.

If one does not vary
one's disguises,

they are no longer
disguises.

Here are the
troop movements

and locations of five
panzer divisions.

That is more
than I expected.

Good work. We are very
grateful to all of you.

Good luck.

Halt!

Halt.

Fire.

( gunfire )

Mach schnell!

( grunts )

Everybody all right?

Boy, that was
pretty close.

This war is
getting dangerous.

At least the German army
can't shoot any better

than the French army.

Gonna take that
lying down, LeBeau?

Louis?

Louis?

Oh, no.

Colonel, my...
my little mate's been hit.

All right.

Take it easy,
LeBeau.

( LeBeau moaning )

Here we go.

Put him down right here.

Here, be careful, careful.

There you go.
Lift him up.

( grunts )

Andrew, get some hot water
for me, will you, please?

And some bandages.
Right.

There's some sulfur
in my footlocker.

Bring that, too, huh?
Right.

Oh, boy,
will you look.

That's where
the bullet hit.

Doesn't look like it went in
too deep.

Didn't go in at all.

Why, it barely
broke the skin.

There's nothing more
than a scratch.

( moans )

What do you mean,
"scratch"?

In France, I would get a medal
and a kiss on both cheeks.

You joking?

With a wound like that,

you wouldn't get
a bloody handshake.

You got off lucky, LeBeau.
It's just grazed you.

Then how come
I was unconscious?

I don't know! I've lost more
blood than this shaving!

( gasps )

Explains why
he was unconscious.

Can't stand
the sight of blood.

WOMAN: ( over radio ):
Red Riding Hood calling Papa Bear.

Come in Papa Bear.

This is Papa Bear.
Go ahead, Red Riding Hood.

We have an emergency.

Our leader has received
a very bad bullet wound,

and we are in need of
penicillin immediately.

It is a matter
of life und death.

Penicillin. Tell him
we'll arrange with London for a drop tonight.

We'll contact London
for a drop tonight.

Thank you, Papa Bear.

Can one of you pass
the information on?

No. They won't accept it
from anyone but Danzig.

Okay, over and out.

LeBEAU:
Colonel...

Would you ask
them to drop

a little extra
penicillin for me?

Raus, raus, everybody!

Raus in five minutes.
Raus, raus, raus, raus!

Raus, everybody.
Ow!

What's the matter,
cockroach?

Oh, it's sunburn,
Schultz.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sunburn?!

Sunburn in the middle
of the winter?

I have very tender skin.

Like a baby.

That's true.
He can't even sit

under a reading lamp
with his shirt off

for more than ten minutes.

Are you pulling
my leg, Carter?

Man would be barmy to
pull your leg, Schultz,

unless he was looking
for a hernia.

All right, let's get on
with our roll call

and get it
over with, huh?

What do you want
a roll call for?

We're all here,
aren't we?

Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink
wants to talk to you.

Schultz, in this weather,
I don't want to talk to him

unless he's handing me
over his sword.

( chuckling ):
Oh, ho, ho, ho!

He's not going
to hand you any sword

after what happened
this morning.

What happened this morning,
Schultz?

Well, I... I can't tell you.
It's a military secret.

Oh. Well, you can tell me,

'cause I'm not
in the military.

No?
No.

Actually, I was on my
way to the post office to mail this letter.

Now, this fella walks up to me
and says, "Uncle Sam needs you."

Yeah?
I actually have an Uncle Sam.

Ja, you have?

Oh, sure. He's married
to my Aunt Bessie.

No kidding.

No, so...

HOGAN:
Carter.

We don't want Schultz to tell us

the same stale rumor
we've been hearing all day.

You mean about
shooting Danzig the ma... the master spy?

Yeah, that's the one.

What's the big deal about
this Danzig character?

Commandant Klink says he's
the leader of the Underground.

Oh, so they get
another leader.

( chuckles )

Not like Oskar Danzig.

What's so special
about him?

He is a master
of disguises.

Before the war,
he was Germany's

greatest female
impersonator.

Was he really
that good, Schultz?

That good?

( laughs )

Corporal Mittendorfer

has his picture up
for a pin-up girl.

That's how good he was.

Come on, let's go.

Roll call, roll call.

Report!

All present and accounted for,
Herr Kommandant.

Thank you,
Schultz.

Gentlemen, I'm not talking
to you as your commandant.

I'm talking to you
as your friend.

So does anybody here
know the words to "Let's Be Buddies"?

( all laughing )

( yells in German )

Commandant
is speaking.

Thank you, Schultz.

I have been made
honorary chairman

of the fund-raising
committee

for German soldiers
at the eastern front.

I'd like to make
a contribution.

Would a thousand dollar check
be too showy, sir?

( all guffawing )

Sir, a little something
for the boys in Stalingrad.

( laughing, whistling )

I would like
to continue.

Quiet!

Herr Kommandant
would like to continue.

Okay.

Okay. You can continue.

Thank you, Schultz.

Now, tomorrow,
I'm entertaining

a group of German generals'
wives at a tea party,

and I would like to have
volunteers to help.

SCHULTZ:
Well?!

You heard the
commandant.

He would like
to have volunteers.

We heard him, Schultz.

They heard you,
Herr Kommandant.

Shut up, Schultz.
Did you hear that?

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Now, this is a good cause.

They're having a terrible
time in Russia,

and you, as soldiers,

should be willing to help
your fellow soldiers.

Don't let a little thing
like being at war stop you.

Sir, I volunteer.

Wonderful, Carter.

As soon as I find out how much

Adolf Hitler donated
to the U.S.O.

( laughing uproariously )

Silence! You will
work at the party,

and that's an order.

Commandant, I don't think
the Geneva Convention

allows you to work
prisoners of war

at a tea party
for the enemy.

You will help out
at the tea party,

or I will have all the
lights turned out at 6:00.

What you mean is
"light" out at 6:00, sir.

We've only got
one bulb that works.

And you promised to replace
the others two weeks ago, sir.

You are absolutely
right, Newkirk.

Today, I will replace
all the bulbs...

and then turn them out.

Now what do you say about my
little tea party, huh, Hogan?

One lump or two, sir?

There's the drop.

GERMAN OFFICER:
Look, a parachute!

This way. Schnell.

Patrol! We haven't
got a chance.

Come on, follow me.

( running footsteps
approaching )

OFFICER:
Halt!

Halt!

What's that?

Penicillin.

Why didn't you
deliver it to Danzig?

Because the German patrols
followed us,

and they started shooting.

Well, did either of you
get hit?

No.

I wish I'd been so lucky.

This excruciating pain
in my shoulder

feels like a hot poker
tearing into my flesh.

Yeah, but you're being
so plucky about it, LeBeau.

Wouldn't you like
a bullet to bite on?

Thanks a lot.

The patrol's still there.

How many are there?
Maybe we can jump them.

No chance. Some of their friends
just joined in.

The woods are full of Gestapo.

Sir? You know, if we
could wait a little while,

I could slip out alone
and get that stuff to Danzig.

We wouldn't get five feet
from the tree stump.

Sir, so what do we do
with this penicillin?

I don't know.

So it shouldn't be a total loss,
I could use a shot.

You think London
can make a drop

exactly at the
Underground headquarters?

I'm afraid it's
too risky.

You know, if they could
move Danzig into town,

I could get out in a dog truck.

No, they've doubled
the guards

because of all those
generals' wives that are coming.

Hey, I got a couple of ideas.

Speak up, Carter.
We're desperate.

Okay.

I got some dynamite
in my footlockers.

So we make a rocket.

We put the penicillin
in the steel casing,

and we tell Klink
today's the anniversary

of the end of the
Spanish-American War.

Now, according to the
Geneva Convention,

we've got the
right to celebrate national holidays.

Right?

So we take this rocket, see,

and we aim it toward
Danzig's headquarters.

We set it off, and the
penicillin's delivered.

What's the other idea?

Well, this one's
a little crazy.

Carter, you astound me.

Schultz, don't you know you're
supposed to be announced?

I'm sorry,
Colonel Hogan.

I rang, but your doorbell
was out of order.

Here, LeBeau.

Here is your hors d'oeuvres
menu for the tea party.

Deviled eggs,
smoked salmon,

stuffed mushrooms,
pâté de foie gras. Mm-hmm.

Chipped sauerbraten
on toast?

That's my suggestion.

And where am I going
to get all these things?

Corporal Mittendorfer

is going to bring it
from the mess hall.

I'm going to need a
few things, you know.

What for?

Well, you don't think I'm
letting Frenchman here

make the tea, do you?
He hasn't got a clue.

Don't they drink tea in France?

We don't drink anything
we don't stomp on.

Now, listen.

I'd like a pound of
the finest Darjeeling,

two gallons of
spring water,

a copper kettle,

and a sterling
silver service.

Anything else?

Oh, yeah, and a
needlepoint tea cozy.

Colonel Hogan, better get ready.

Don't want to be late
for the party.

What's to get ready, Schultz?

We only have to put on our ties
and shine our shoes.

Hey, is this tea going
to be formal then?

Of course.

Oh, well, if
it's formal,

we'll go through the
delousing station.

Jolly joker.

I'll see you later.
Ah, you, too.

Ah, go on.
Good-bye.

I better
get ready.

There's got to be a way

to get that penicillin
to Danzig.

We've got to get somebody
out of camp, but how?

You sure you don't want
to hear my second idea?

We didn't want to even
hear your first one.

LeBeau, how many
women would you say

you're making the
hors d'oeuvres for?

Well... from this order,

I would say...
oh, at least ten.

In a crowd like that,

I don't think anybody
would notice another woman,

and she could always
get a ride into town

with one of the
other ladies.

Just who did you
have in mind, sir?

I've always liked you
in basic black.

Colonel Hogan,
you better come quick, sir.

Papa Bear
calling Red Riding Hood.

Papa Bear calling
Red Riding Hood.

Come in, Red Riding Hood.

This is Red Riding Hood.

Go ahead, Papa Bear.

Would you please
repeat your last message?

The patient is in very
serious condition

and failing fast.

It is absolutely imperative

that he get the
penicillin immediately.

HOGAN ( over radio ):
This is Papa Bear, Red Riding Hood.

Hang in there.

The penicillin
is on the way.

Over and out.

Basic black.

The colonel's gone crackers.

I could get shot doing this.

You're not a
bad-looking lady.

I might be a bad-looking dead
lady if the Germans catch me.

Would you mark
my program?

I would like every dance
with you.

Leave off, would you?

I could be dancing
at the end of a rope.

Well, if you aren't,
I'll take you

by the canteen and
buy you a beer.

You sure know
how to show a girl a good time.

( women chatting
excitedly )

Delightful tea party,
isn't it, General Burkhalter?

If you like
tea parties.

Guests are certainly
enjoying themselves, sir.

That's the third tray
of hors d'oeuvres

LeBeau has sent in.

Uh, the fat little lady
in the red dress

has been eating steadily
over an hour and a half.

That's my wife.

Did I say red dress?

I meant green dress, of course.

I'm color-blind,
you know.

Klink, you meant the
lady in the red dress,

and she has been
eating steadily

for an hour and a half.

I'm sure Mrs. Burkhalter
was famished when she arrived.

It's a long trip
to this camp, you know.

Exactly two miles.

And she ate a
sandwich in the car.

( women gasping )

( women chatting excitedly )

You gentlemen care
for some hors d'oeuvres?

I'd rather face
the Russians.

LeBEAU:
Excuse me, ladies.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Yeah. Danke.

LeBeau, your hors
d'oeuvres are a smash.

This crowd would eat
marinated dog food on a cracker.

Ah, you're too modest.

No, no, no.

I ran out of pâté,
and that's what I had to use.

Does it have
enough seasoning?

It looks like that lady
in basic black has arrived.

Oh, my compliments to the chef.

The hors d'oeuvres
are delicious.

You're very kind,
madam.

Could I have the recipe
for the marinade?

Oh, oh,
of course, madam.

Oh, thank you.
In the kitchen.

Thank you.

I am
Mrs. Field Marshal Mannheim.

Field Marshal Mannheim
is my husband.

This way.

Uh, ready for
the hors 'oeuvres, gentlemen?

I'm starved.

Carter!

Try one of those marinated jobs.

They're great.

Aren't they great?

Very tasty.

LeBeau has done
an excellent job.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

He must have worked like a dog
to make these.

You can say that again.

Herr Kommandant.

Yes, Schultz,
what is it?

I have a message
for General Burkhalter.

Yes?

We just
received a telephone call...

Schultz, don't speak
with your mouth full.

We just
received a telephone call

from General Schtottlemeyer's
headquarters.

His wife regrets,
but she cannot attend.

Thank you, Schultz.

Jawohl.

General.

It's just as well
Mrs. Schtottlemeyer cannot come.

She wouldn't get near the
hors d'oeuvre table anyway.

( women chatting )

KLINK:
Would you believe that the fat little lady

in the red dress
is still eating.

Green dress.

Uh, g-green dress.

Of course. Green. Green.

Tell me, Klink.

How many women did you
invite to the party?

Well, counting Mrs.
Schtottlemeyer, ten, of course.

How come there are ten
women at the party?

It can't be.

Why, General Burkhalter,
you are right.

There are ten ladies here.

Well, I'm sure one of the ladies
just brought along a friend.

Or one of the ladies
is an impostor.

I mean, what woman
would want to crash a tea party?

Especially one
where they're collecting money.

Maybe it isn't
a woman at all.

Perhaps it's Danzig,
the Underground leader, huh?

He is a female
impersonator.

Ja, ja.

Klink, contact the
Gestapo at once.

General Burkhalter,
I can handle this myself.

I mean,
a man of my experience

knows a woman
when he sees one.

How?

Oh, I just, uh,
mingle with the ladies.

Colonel?
Hmm?

Bet you a candy bar
it's Mrs. Mannheim.

( gasps )

( women chatting
excitedly )

Enjoying yourself,
Mrs. Steiger, huh?

Wouldn't it be a riot
if the fat little lady

in the red dress
is Danzig?

Sorry, sir.

What are you looking at,
Colonel?

Aha!

( screams )

Are you mad?!

MRS. MANNHEIM:
How dare you?

I thought you
were Oskar Danzig.

I have never been
so humiliated in all my life.

Oh, you brute, give me that.

Come, dear,
I'll take you to your hotel.

Mrs. Mannheim, please.

Please, Mrs. Mannheim,
I can explain.

Colonel Klink did that

only for reason
of security.

And for reasons of security
the Colonel should be shot.

Oh, please,
Mrs. Mannheim.

And I shall tell the
Field Marshal to recommend that. No, no.

Firing squad is too good
for a person like that.

Come, dear, come.

( all talking at once )

Mrs. Mannheim, please.
Please, please.

Mrs. Mannheim,
I beg of you, please stay.

Stay?!

Why should she stay?

You've had your laugh.

It was not done
to insult you.

We are looking
for a traitor.

Oh, you suspected she was a
traitor for the fatherland?

Wait till the Field Marshal
hears about this!

And do not think
that the Fuhrer

will not hear
about your stupidity.

Oh, there's no need
to bother the Fuhrer

with his stupidity.

My stupidity?!

Your stupidity, stupid!

Come, dear, I'll drive
you to your hotel.

Never mind, madam.

I'll drive the
lady into town.

We don't need help from you,
young man.

Mrs. Mannheim, please
don't go away mad.

( engine starting )

Ladies, where
are you going?

We are all going back to town.

No, no.
But Berta, the party isn't over.

It is as far
as we are concerned, Albert.

We will not stay one more minute

to watch anyone
humiliate Mrs. Mannheim,

the loveliest, dearest,
most sincere woman in the world.

I knew it was a wig
all the time.

BURKHALTER:
Berta! Berta!

Mrs. Formeildorf.

Berta, please.
Ladies, stay. Please.

Please!
Eh, you win, Colonel.

Mrs. Mannheim
wasn't Danzig.

Hogan!

It was her mustache
that fooled me.

( grunts )

Klink!

Don't just stand there.

We still must
find the impostor!

Ja, ja.
Please, ladies!

Oh, no.

What is the matter?

Who was that lady
with Mrs. Mannheim?

That was no lady.

That was your spy.

Halt! Halt!

Halt, I say.

Halt!

What's the matter with you,
old man, are you deaf?

Bitte?

I said, are you deaf?

Ah, moment.

I said, are you deaf?

It is exactly...
quarter past 8:00.

Ach! Never mind.

Mach schnell.

HOGAN:
Hey, Newkirk.

I'm back!

Hey, you are back.
How's Danzig?

He's great, sir.

He's going to be up in
a couple of days, right as rain.

He's going to pass
that military information on.

Good work.
Thank you, sir.

BAKER:
Hey, that's a pretty clever disguise, man.

Where'd you get it?
Danzig.

Yeah, he's got a lot of 'em.

You look younger.
Oh, thank you.

We were worried
about you.

What took so long?

Well, I had to go through
Himmelburg, didn't I?

You know, those German towns,
great shortage of men there.

So, naturally,
when all the frauleins saw

a very, very attractive man
like me, they went crackers.

I didn't want to do it,
mind you,

but what could I do, you know?

It's really nice to know,
though, that when I'm 70,

that I'm going to be
wildly attractive to women.

You know what I mean?

I suppose when you got it,

you never really lose it,
do you?

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