All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s05e02 The Well.eng

( theme song playing )

Oh, Schultz,
I just heard that...

( chuckling ):
This is very nice.

Germany is locked in a death
struggle with her enemies,

and you're practicing
to be a trained seal.

He's got to have a trade
for after the war, sir.

Hogan, what are you doing here?

Shopping for a trained seal act.

If you don't mind,
I would like

to conduct some
Luftwaffe business.

Okay.

Major Strauss called
from Stalag 4.

General Burkhalter
and Captain Ritter

are on their way over here.

Have the VIP quarters
been cleaned?

All is in order,
Herr Commandant.

And lucky for you. Carry on.

You-- out!

Dismissed.

Who's
Captain Ritter?

Luftwaffe staff officer,
Intelligence Section.

Any idea why he's
coming to Shangri-La?

The big shot doesn't
tell us anything.

Yeah.

I can see you're busy.

I'll see you later.

( moans )

Ah?

Intelligence officer?

Right, and due here
in a few hours.

Could be important.

Kinch, radio London,
tell them to stand by.

We may have
something for them.

Right.

LeBeau, Carter,
when Burkhalter

and this Captain
Ritter arrive,

I want you to get
in the office

and clean it--
ears open.

We already did
that once, sir.

Clean it again,
Carter.

Hasn't anyone
ever told you

war is a
dirty business?

Bonjour!

Hi, folks.

What are you
doing in here?

We've come
to clean the office.

But you cleaned it
this morning.

That's right.

Where does
the time go?

SCHULTZ:
Out!

The officers
are having a meeting.

No one allowed in here.

Well, with all
that brass here,

you want everyone
to look busy, don't you?

Never mind.

We'll tell
Colonel Hogan

you wouldn't
let us clean it.

And he'll tell Klink.

And Klink
will tell you.

Oh, boy, will he tell you.

Hey, drop us
a postcard.

Let us know which combat unit
you've been assigned to.

Bye, ma'am.
Au revoir.

Wait a minute!

Come in.

Go ahead. Clean--
but make it fast.

Would you move your
great bulk aside, Sergeant?

Wh-Wh-What for?

We have to clean inside
the closet. Thank you.

KLINK:
What brings you to Stalag 13?

Captain Ritter
has been ordered

to acquaint himself
with Luftwaffe

prisoner-of-war facilities.

The general was
kind enough

to let me tag along on
the inspection tour.

( chuckles ):
I'm at your disposal, Captain.

I will give you
any information that I have.

Danke, Herr Colonel.

You may learn a few things
anyway. Hmm!

( chuckles )

Will you be filing a report
with Headquarters, sir?

I mean, are they
contemplating any changes?

Klink's a very secure man.

No report,
Colonel.

My work is Luftwaffe
Intelligence.

( chuckling )

There, there is nothing
more intelligent

than Intelligence,
I always say.

Unfortunately, that's
what he always says,

among other things.

The general knows me so well.

It has not been easy.

Well, Captain,

we shall try
to make things

as comfortable
as possible for you.

Now, if there is
anything I can do.

There is one small
thing, Colonel.

Mm-hmm.

I have a Luftwaffe
code book with me.

Top secret, of course.

I wonder if you could
put it in your safe.

Captain.

I shall make it my
personal responsibility.

Voilà.

In the safe it goes.

In the office safe.

Oui. Wrapped in a nice
waterproof package.

Luftwaffe codes.

Just what London
wants for Christmas.

It's not what I want
for Christmas, boy.

Can we get it?

I'd have to steal it
long enough to copy it.

Boy, what I'd
like for Christmas

is some new tires for
my motorcycle back home.

Newkirk could open
the commandant's safe.

I've done it before.

Very risky.

A man could get
killed that way.

Not if you
don't speed.

It's worth a try.

All right, Newkirk'll
get the book.

Kinch, you handle
the switchboard.

We need Klink out
of his office

for about ten minutes.
That's it.

Boy, wouldn't
do any good

to get those tires to my
motorcycle for Christmas.

I'd have to be back
home to enjoy them.

Boy, that's
what I wish.

I wish I was a
civilian again.

So do we, Carter.

So do we.

Just answer my
question, Newkirk.

Do you call
these windows clean?

I do the best
I can, sir.

Well, if that's
an example of your best,

maybe you ought
to try your worst.

That's very
funny, Colonel.

I don't mind
being knocked about

with a touch
of humor, sir.

What is going on here?

Just a minute,
Commandant.

When you do a job,
don't you try to be perfect?

I mean, when you're working,
what are you thinking about?

Girls, mostly, sir.

It's been a long war.

This is my office, you know.

What's going on here?

The colonel
doesn't fancy

the job I did on your
windows, Commandant.

Well, if the windows
in the nerve center

of Stalag 13
can't be clean, I give up.

They look all
right to me.

Commandant, do you
want Burkhalter

to tell that gang in Berlin
that you've got DW?

DW?

Dirty windows.

Oh, never mind. Get on with it.

Commandant, would you
like to step outside

for a few minutes
while I do the job?

No, the commandant
would like to continue his work.

Now, clean the windows
and do it quietly.

( phone ringing )

Colonel Klink speaking.

Heil Hitler.

Sergeant of the guard,
Herr Commandant.

General Burkhalter
requests that you report

to his quarters at once.

I'll be there
immediately.

Schultz!

Yes, Herr Commandant.

Schultz, did you
send for me?

Me send for you?

I never send
for anybody,

not even
if I need them.

I was told the general
wanted to see me.

I walked in there and
interrupted his nap.

Ooh, how terrible.

Interrupting a general's nap
could cost a promotion.

If it costs me a
promotion, Schultz,

imagine what it
would cost you.

I've got to build up
my efficiency rating.

What do we have on
the disciplinary file?

The prisoners were writing
nasty things about you

on the barracks walls.

Old stuff.

Old, but true.

Oh, shut up. Who cares?

Oh...

There are five
silver spoons

missing from
the officers mess.

No, that's not... Wait.

That could be it.

Call a special formation
of all prisoners at once.

Everyone must be
there, no exceptions.

Tell Kinch
to start sending that

to London immediately.

I'll stay here and cover.

Right.

Oh, Colonel.

If you ever get
anything valuable,

I wouldn't keep it
in that bloody

crackerbox if
I were you.

Not with you around.

Where do you think
you're going, soldier?!

I'm going to
the barracks.

Halt!

There has been a special
formation called at once!

Right, Herr Schultz.
I'll be there

and if I'm not there,
start without me.

( blows whistle )

Hold it, now...

Get this man
to the special

formation at once!

Take it easy,
take it easy.

There's no need
to get alarmed.

Good Lor...

See what you
nearly made me do.

Achtung!

Prisoners,

the mess sergeant reports that
five silver spoons are missing

from the officers mess.

The guilty man has 48 hours
to return those spoons

and report himself
to the sergeant

for suitable punishment.

If he fails to do so,
the entire camp

will be restricted to quarters
and all privileges revoked.

Dismissed.

Why did you have to
throw it in the well?

I was making a wish.

I couldn't eat the bloody
code book, could I?

The question now
is, how do we

get the book
out of the well?

We could tunnel up
to it, Colonel.

Yeah, it'd
take too long.

Find an excuse to
work over there-- above ground.

We start digging
and tell them

we're trying to get
the well started again.

Carter, go away.

Help the Krauts
find those spoons.

Well, hold it, hold it.

We could dig that well,

but they'd have
to need water.

Okay, we cut the pipes.

No, we need more time for
digging. Something bigger.

How about the water
works at Hamelburg?

Hey, that's marvelous!

Hey, see, guys, I
did have an idea.

Blow up the water
works in Hamelburg.

Uh-huh.

The water works
in Hamel...

Colonel, wait a minute!

Don't listen to me!

I don't always know
what I'm saying!

( explosions continuing )

( exhaling )

( faucet rattling )

( faucet rattling )

Klink!!

( sputtering )

And you expect people
to go without water?

What?

I see.

Heil Hitler.

How long will the water be
turned off, Herr Kommandant?

Oh, it may take days.

But we do have wine,
General Burkhalter.

I've never tried brushing
my teeth with wine.

We have several bottles
of Riesling 1936.

And I have no intention
of walking around

with drunken bridgework.

( knock at door )

Come in, come in,
come in.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

A word with you,
Commandant?

Not now, Hogan.
I'm busy.

It's very important, sir.

It's about
the water supply.

I said not now.

Well, I mean, my men
are without water.

We want you to turn on
the reserve supply.

Reserve supply?

There is no reserve supply.

No reserve supply?
That's shocking.

What are your plans to
meet the emergency, sir?

Well, we are considering
the problem right now.

This is a high-level meeting
for just that purpose.

A high-level meeting
with low-level thinking.

Have you suggested
the dry well, sir?

I haven't gotten
to that yet.

Might be reactivated.

Give us the tools,
we can start digging.

Of course, start digging...

a tunnel.

Request denied.

No escape today.
Thank you, Hogan.

Just a minute, Klink.

You think there is a chance
you could reach water?

What do we got
to lose, General?

This high-level talking

isn't going
to solve the problem.

See that tools are
issued to them at once.

Yes, sir.
And I think it's a excellent idea.

Thank you, General.

We'll get to work on it
right away.

Dismissed, Hogan.

Well, gentlemen,
to consider the problem...

Klink, get me a bottle
of that Riesling.

At once, sir.

I would like to wash up
before lunch.

( chuckling )

I got the book,
Colonel.

All right, good.
Hold on to it.

Hey, Colonel, water's seeping
into the bottom of the well.

How about that,
we really did a job.

Let's get back
to the barracks.

Just a minute,
Colonel Hogan.

They are not going
back to the barracks yet.

Line up. Schnell.

What's the idea, Schultz?

Spot check.
Orders by the Kommandant.

Come on, we've been
working for hours!

( all arguing )

Quiet!

Still looking
for the spoons?

Yes. Klink says he's going
to look for them

till the end
of the Earth.

And let's hope
it's a one-way trip.

Now I'm going to make
the search.

Hey, just a
moment, Schultz.

Am I in the
right place?

No. I stand
over there.

You're not
over here.

I mean, you're
always on my right.

No, no, I...

SCHULTZ:
I don't care where...

I don't, I don't care
where you stand!

Line up!

Keep it that way!

That's better!

( water splashing )

I say forget
the code book, Colonel.

It's lost.

Okay, Ritter checks out,
he asks for it, no book,

big investigation.

You know how it ends?
They shoot us as spies.

Well, we're not spies,
Colonel.

We're just POWs.

Blowing up bridges
and factories

in our spare time.

Well, it keeps us
out of trouble.

There's no choice.

Somebody's got
to dive for it.

By now there's ten feet
of ice water in the well.

He'll need earplugs,
a flashlight.

We'll waterproof it
with wax and gum.

Who's "he," Colonel?

He's you, that's who he is.

Me?! Dive for that book
in that ice water?!

Carter, you're in
good physical shape.

I know you're not
afraid of water.

Just because I take
a bath every Saturday--

that doesn't prove
anything.

We have to get most
of the Krauts out of camp.

I've got an idea.
Who hasn't escaped lately?

I don't care to escape.
I like it here.

I've got a plan
for a diversion.

It may involve shooting.

Makes it sound like fun.

What about me?

I'm going to be
under that ice water.

Andrew, you look
better that way.

An escape?

Which prisoner?

LeBeau, the Frenchman.

The cockroach
wants to leave us?

I thought he
liked it here.

Oh, shut up.

Go on, Hogan.

Well, he's dyed a blanket
to make a crude uniform.

Tomorrow night he wants me
to report a prisoner missing.

The alert starts,
in the confusion,

slips out of the barracks,
joins the search party

and leaves camp with them.

Yes, yes.

Once outside
the wire,

he slips away,

takes off the uniform,
he's gone.

( fingers snapping )

Brilliant.

Stupid.

Uh, stupid and brilliant.

Schultz,
arrest the Frenchman.

Throw him into the cooler.

Give him a chance
to think it over.

Jawohl,
Herr Kommandant.

Wrong, Commandant.

Smarter to let him
go through with his plan.

Arrest him outside
the wire tomorrow night.

What for?

Well, if he has
any outside contacts,

pick them up, too.

We are the Luftwaffe,
not the Gestapo. I don't like it.

And it would look better
on your efficiency rating.

However, I like to keep
an open mind.

We'll try it.
Good thinking, sir.

Hogan.

Why are you reporting
one of your own men?

I don't want him
to get hurt.

I've learned from
bitter experience--

nobody escapes from
Stalag 13 and the Iron Colonel.

Iron Colonel?
Who's that?

Schultz,
I wish you would escape.

I wouldn't raise a finger
to stop you.

Oh, Florence Chadwick,
I presume.

Huh! The Krauts are all
standing by, sir.

Good.

That uniform is perfect,
LeBeau-- just bad enough.

Where'd you
get the gun?

Belongs to Schultz.

What's he
going to use?

That's his
problem.

All right, let's
get organized.

Newkirk, you'll
be in charge of the flashlight,

the rope
and the blanket. Right, sir.

Kinch, London all
set for the code?

Standing by,
Colonel.

Okay, this is it.

LeBeau, let's move out.

Jawohl,
Herr Kommandant!

Please don't be too German.

They'll never believe it.

Almost set, Carter?

Yes, sir.
Okay.

Good luck
with your Channel swim.

Thanks.

Oh, that's charming.

Schultz!

Schultz!

There's a man missing.

He's gone.

Looks like an escape.

Prisoner escaped!

Prisoner escaping!

SCHULTZ:
Search party, schnell, schnell, schnell!

( alarm ringing )

Search party,
come on, let's go! Schnell!

Prepare to move out!

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Schnell, schnell! Let's go!

SCHULTZ:
Come on, let's go.

Schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell, schnell!

Search party, let's go!

Come on, in the truck!

Schnell, schnell,
schnell, schnell!

Come on, let's go!

Schnell!

( alarm ringing )

( engine revving )

Forward!!

( whistling tune )

Come on.

( bushes rustling )

Now, got the signals?

Two tugs on the rope
means we'll pull you up.

Three tugs means trouble,
stay down.

Good luck.

Think a short prayer
might be in order, sir.

Is he in the water yet?

It's a half mile
down there.

( water splashing )

Any more questions,
Colonel?

We've given him
enough time.

Schultz, over there.

The rest of you
come with me.

That cockroach
is here somewhere.

I think
I hear breathing.

I bloody well
hope so.

He's ready to come up.

I got that impression
myself.

Let's get him up.

( sputtering )

Hey, he's got it.

Watch it. Kraut coming.
Take cover.

( water splashing )

( crickets chirping )

LeBeau!

Can you hear me?

I know you're in there.

Now come out with
your hands up

and you won't get hurt.

LeBeau, don't be a fool.

You haven't got a chance.

I will count till three.

If you do not come out,

I will have the patrol fire.

SCHULTZ:
Prepare to fire.

( rifles cocking )

All right, LeBeau.

At the count of three.

One... two... three.

Don't hurt him.

He makes
marvelous strudel.

Oh, shut up.

Fire!

( gunfire )

Cease fire!

Get London working
on that right away, huh?

Right.

Let's get
this blanket on him.

( gasping )

Nice going, Carter.
Nice going.

( shivering )

There you are, champ.

You did
a great job.

He's got an affinity
for water.

A natural frogman.

Be a smash in the Navy.

If they ask for him,
I'll have to sign the transfer papers.

If you guys don't mind,

I'll see myself home.

Colonel Hogan,
I'm not in...

Newkirk, what are you
doing here?

I was just inspecting
your windows, sir.

Out. Dismissed.

Commandant, you knew about
the escape in advance.

30 days in the cooler
is too stiff.

The man did try to escape.

But I tipped you off.

And what's more,
LeBeau stole those spoons

so he could finance himself
once he got out.

Now, nobody steals the property
of the Third Reich

and gets away with it!

The spoons.

Will wonders never cease.

But how did they...?

Good fairies must have returned
them during the night.

I knew I would get them back.

Yeah, you've had
a big week, sir.

The spoons have
been returned,

you recaptured
the prisoner, we struck water.

Come on now, reduce
LeBeau's sentence.

All right,
15 days in the cooler.

Come on, Commandant,
that's not like you.

You're so strong
and compassionate

and efficient
and likable and warm

and human
and just and fair.

Now, come on,
you can afford to make a gesture.

Why, thank you
for the compliments, Hogan.

One week-- and believe me
it's not easy for me

to reduce a sentence.

Believe me, it's
not easy for me

to think up those
compliments for you.

( slaps desk )

Dismissed!

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