Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Goes on and on and on.

Can I speak to Mr. Evans, please?

Officer on deck!

Douglas, Douglas Evans?

What can I do for you gentlemen?

Giles Templar.

I hope you don't mind, couple of my colleagues

were talking about this place.

I thought I'd come and take a look.

I've done a bit of the old white collar boxing, you know.

No, no, I'm pretty bloody handy, actually.

Well, if you wanna join, it's 40 quid a month.

God, no.

No, I work out at the Third Space.

Zumba, Pilates, hot yoga.

I want to fight.

Doesn't work like that, mate.

You can't just walk in and fight.

Oh, I think I can.

No, you can't.

There's rules for your own safety.

Don't worry about my safety, old boy.

I'm from Bloodstone Corporate Finance.

Big Hug?

No thanks, YMCA's up the road.

No, Big Hug Payday Loans.

Listen, I don't care

if you're Barney the fricking dinosaur.

Rules are rules for good reason.

See, I work for Big Hug, hmm?

We're going to own this place.

You know, collateral.

Loan default.

You're making some assumptions there, aren't you, cowboy?

Well, I can keep the wolf away

for a little bit, freeze the interest.

I just wanna have some fun.

Fun?

It's not your plaything.

And you can button your flies.

I can close you in hours.

Get back to it!

That's two minutes.

Oi!

Look, I'm not some bloody child.

I can bloody scrap, actually.

This ain't that.

Just give me a little taster now

and I'll buy you a couple of weeks.

Get your piggy bank in order.

Months, then?

I can do that, it's easy for me.

I can help you.

Or not.

Need a sparring partner, captain?

I'm not fighting that thing.

What's your name?

Um, Rupert, Roopie.

- Or Roop. - You're a witness.

This man waived all his rights.

He walked in here and directly challenged Albert to a fight.

Albert, glove up!

This is ridiculous.

It's that or nothing, cowboy.

Just don't get clever with him.

- Easy, yeah? - Go on, Gi.

Show them what you can do.

Keep it tight now, Albert, son!

Come on!

Go easy on him, just wanna tire him out a bit.

Oh, yes, come on, Albert!

Okay, you both know the rules.

Box.

Let's see what he's got, huh?

Yeah.

That's it, cover up!

He's punching fresh air, Albert!

Left, left!

And then the old Haymaker!

Unleash the Gi bomb!

Come on, Albert!

He's all over the place, that's it!

You could beat him one-handed, Albert!

Okay, Albert, big one now, come on!

Come on!

- Oi! - Yeah!

He's knocked out, knocked out!

Yay, go on, Albert!

Hello, sailor!

Now, you can take your Gi bomb and your Roopie and fuck.

And that wasteman thought he was bare hype, you know.

Spitting lyrics about Pilates.

What's this Pilates, fam?

Yeah, it's kinda raw, still.

But man like Albert had him on lockdown, G.

OG status, you done though.

Reach me, cuz.

All right, safe, G, yeah, I'm a bounce, still.

Hold it, innit.

I'm a check my boys.

Gonna break the internet, G, know what I'm saying?

Jeez!

Hey, yo Carlos!

Wagwan, G!

What did he just say?

- Hey. - No idea.

I just left the gym, yeah, check this, yeah.

Oh, Albert, I, um, I forgot the,

turn off the thing in the back, yeah?

I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Are we, uh, are we in bother then, captain?

What?

Well, I heard 'em talking about,

you know, loans and stuff.

No, just, um, some over-privileged prick

thinks having a few quid makes him a superhero.

That's all.

We showed him though, didn't we, captain?

You showed him, Albert.

You did.

Taffy would be proud, you know.

Yeah, that's all we want, isn't it, eh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Night, captain.

Be lucky, Albert.

Are you, Taff?

Are you proud?

I'm trying to keep it going, Taff.

Really, I am.

Could do with a sign here, mate.

Let me know I'm not pissing in the wind.

You could just use the door.

Old habits.

Smoked salmon and cream cheese, crayfish and rocket.

Do you know if you don't wash for six weeks,

then your hair and your skin

develop their own cleansing system?

Doesn't work, you honk.

New York.

Mm.

Showers haven't moved.

Give it three more days,

and I'll smell like an alpine flower meadow.

Brian turns the bout into a real go around,

but he almost got schooled by the shot.

What gives?

Still the champion at the final gong.

Miss my daughter.

Where is she?

Somewhere in Europe.

That's a pretty big haystack.

I got more air miles than Stelios.

Trouble from the first round on.

Her mum was quite a looker, you know.

So, what happened?

Found a richer bloke, shagged her way into First Class,

disappeared back behind the Iron Curtain.

Four points.

With your daughter?

Whew, still, Taffy left you a wonderful legacy though.

And the unpaid gambling debt that went with it.

Yeah, still, that's all been paid off now, eh?

Brian O'Shea, a right cross.

- Oh. - Tangles with

defending champ.

Things could be worse.

I've got this terrible rash on me arse and me teeth hurt!

Shower!

Blocked only twice, they might rally.

Chin down.

Move those feet, fucker.

Hey, it's bait, it's bait!

Albert gave him that night nurse, G!

- Come on, Albert! - What are you two

laughing about?

Hey, I'm just showing Mick, innit.

Our OG went ham!

Don't be showing anybody that!

You're gonna get me in more bother!

I'm sick of telling him!

All right, leave it, G.

Mick ain't gonna trip and turn snitch like a bitch.

Hey, I checked on Albert, innit.

Upper cut, head top clip, pow!

What's your name, son?

Donny.

You looking to train, Donny?

Been playing on the computer, iPad?

Can't afford one of those.

So, why do you wanna box, Donny?

Um, well, some of my uncles do it.

And, uh, I wanna honor the family, you know.

Mm, yeah.

You know it's hard, don't you, Donny?

It's not like telly.

And the Xbox doesn't punch you in the gob.

There's no tougher sport.

Ballet.

What?

What?

Ballet's a bitch.

Can you skip?

Your world is now divided into three-minute chunks.

Everything you do takes three minutes.

Eat, read, work.

Sleep?

Not sleep.

Blink?

No, that would,

look, you need to get used to working

in three-minute bursts.

Like washing up.

We've done that now.

Oh.

Look, you train and fight in three-minute bursts,

so just get used to understanding

what three minutes feels like.

Uh, you boil an egg in three minutes.

Skip.

Yeah.

Just so you know, mate, that's not skipping.

It wasn't like that.

Someone's messed with the footage.

Come on, Albert!

He's all over the place!

- That's it! - Go on, Gi.

I believe in you!

All right him one-handed, Albert!

Okay, Albert, big one now, come on!

Come on!

Keep swinging!

Where have you been?

Unleashing a Gi bomb?

Sorry.

Someone's put the fight on YouTube.

Get me the file.

Yeah.

Good grip.

That'll do, off you go.

Officer on deck!

Still here then?

Uh, yeah.

He's a trier, captain.

Hasn't let go of the rope since you were called away.

- Mm. - I think we might

have a champion in the club at last.

Show us your progress then.

Okay.

Remember what I said.

Yeah.

- Ready? - Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, son.

Don't worry, son, it's only practice.

It's only practice.

Champion?

Would I be able to take the rope home and practice?

That's a leather rope.

It's been in this gym since Noah was a lad.

Have you any idea the blood and sweat that's seen?

The honor it deserves?

Champions have made weight on that rope.

It's part of the very DNA of this gym.

Sorry, I wasn't thinking.

Sorry.

♪ I don't wanna just say, yeah ♪

♪ Straight through the heart ♪

♪ I ain't good without you ♪

All right.

Take it home and practice.

Thank you, Mr. Captain?

♪ I ain't good ♪

Name's Doug.

I'm not a captain.

♪ I know they can't be that way ♪

♪ I don't wanna just say, yeah ♪

You did well, son.

I just wanna say thanks, sir.

That kid, you made his week.

You are a captain.

You're a captain to me, the other lads.

That's all.

Thanks, Albert.

You silly old bugger.

Well, I'm going the other way, so.

Night, captain.

Be lucky, mate.

Too old for this.

Christ on a bike.

For a homeless dude, you've got more blubber

than a blooming humpback.

The milk of human kindness.

Asparagus and cream cheese.

Absolutely delicious.

But beware, the breakdown of sulfuric compounds

can cause a profusion of varied, pungent malodor!

Smelly weewee.

Happy birthday, friend.

Ta-da!

Oh, boy, Christ, that's rank.

There's bogs in the back.

Dirty, no-good, double die piss balling,

arse wiping liberty taking clowns!

No, Dad!

I need that!

And I need a new pair of legs.

We're both knackered.

- Ah, ah, ah, ah! - I got a few

- pennies left, Dougie. - Ah, ah, ah, ooh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

How much do you need?

Don't tell these, otherwise they're gonna nick it.

Dad, you've already given me your pension.

I can't do anything, it just has to go down.

Oh, damn this pansy-arsed,

new age, muesli, yoga bullshit!

Take me home, Dougie.

Please, take me home.

There is no home, Dad.

It's just me and the gym.

The gym's run out of steam.

There's no money.

I took out loans to pay for this place.

Put the gym up as collateral and now I can't pay it back.

Silly old sod.

Come on, no pain, no gain.

That's it, come on!

One, two.

Put some effort in!

Hey, hey, hey!

What have I told ya?

Pack it in!

Captain on deck.

Yo, yo, bruv.

Who's that piff ting, G?

Join in, blud.

Yeah, is Doug here?

Um, we came to talk about the forms and stuff.

He's behind you.

Oh, um, Mum, this is Doug.

He's the boss.

Hi Doug, I'm Vera, Donny's mum.

I've come to sign some forms.

Dad?

Sorry?

It's usually dad.

- Oh, yeah. - Sorry.

Uh, I haven't seen a woman.

I mean I haven't, you know,

not, you know.

Women don't normally like it.

Mums, that is.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I was just in the.

Is that where the forms are?

No, no, no.

Shit!

Sorry, the language.

Oh, God, what is that?

That's, uh, leather conditioner.

Yeah, yeah, uh, we use it on the bags and all the gloves.

Smells like rotten eggs.

Yeah, well, that's the chemicals.

- Right. - God.

It does smell like rotten eggs.

Rotten eggs and

piss.

Well, don't wanna waste it.

No, no, no, no.

We've already done everything.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

That's why it was there.

I want my hands tough like leather.

Fight the burn!

Do us a favor, Mick.

Right, forms.

Double jab.

Right cross.

Double jab.

That's it.

- Time. - Dads usually do this,

is what I meant.

You know, mums are a bit squeamish.

Not me, I've been around fighting all me life.

Oh, sorry.

It's a tradition.

Oh.

Does, uh, Donny's dad fight?

Haven't got a clue, I ain't seen him for years.

Oh, sorry.

No, I'm glad, he's a right wanker.

How much is it?

It's, uh, 20 quid a,

no, I'm not gonna take your money.

Why, what do you mean?

I don't think I'm gonna be around for much longer.

You know there are people you can talk to?

What?

Well, Samaritans and drugs, they can help.

I'm not gonna top meself.

Just don't use a gun, it's not as neat as people think.

It's not like that.

Look.

Donny's a good kid.

I'll get him started, help set him up,

so he can find another gym.

They, they won't be as friendly as this place,

but I'll get him ready.

It's such a shame though.

Donny loved it yesterday.

Albert teaching him to skip.

He's awkward, shy.

I was just hoping this would help.

He said his uncles fight.

I'm gonna go then.

Oh, uh,

will you be back?

What for?

And thanks.

It's a shame, but I'm just gonna have to find another gym.

Maybe you won't have to.

Be lucky, then.

47 grand in seven days.

Are you sure?

It's not addressed to someone else, a relative or...

It's addressed to us but with his name on.

47 stacks, fam.

Ain't no man gonna raise gwala like that, you get me?

I was in the shower all afternoon, I'm spotless.

Oi, check this though, yeah.

I'll get my posse involved, innit.

Huh, Riz, behave your bloody self.

We know there's no posse.

Bumbaclart!

Look, there's no smell.

Can't I just come in?

Sponsorship?

Nobody's interested in boxing anymore.

They'd all rather play it

on their game console, wouldn't they?

And that's where the sponsorship is, isn't it?

I've got the, uh, WBO world champ '16 in the house.

What, not for me, for the kids!

They're too young for our game!

God.

I don't know what I'd do without the gym.

It's everything.

It's everything to all of us, isn't it?

I couldn't be alone with Marjorie in the house for a week.

Be the death of me.

Look, I used Dettol and a scrubbing brush, for God's sake!

Brilliant.

♪ Once I leave the house ♪

Night.

Is Doug a good fighter?

The best.

Awesome, and I mean awesome.

Doesn't fight now though.

After Taffy.

Why, what happened?

I'm coming in.

So, Doug's the most promising pro middleweight in London.

Taffy used to own the gym.

A legend.

He trained Doug.

Doug's warm up fight, before he goes for European title,

Taffy has a heart attack ringside.

Dead.

No.

Beat.

Yeah, when Taffy died,

he left Dougie the gym in his will, didn't he.

Yeah.

So overnight, he went from a boxing hero to a businessman,

and well, could have been a champ though, couldn't he, eh?

Could have been a great champ.

He's a proud man.

And do you think he'd ever fight again?

You have never experienced

the liberation of unbridled micturition.

The what?

It's like being at one with nature.

It's an expression of masculinity, of territory.

You're saying, I reject your civilization.

I reject your sanitation.

I choose.

You pissed in a slop bucket

because you couldn't be arsed to walk to the bog.

You're a sloth.

I am marking territory, old socks.

Doesn't matter anyway.

Women like that can pick and choose

and a used up fighter with massive debt

wouldn't even make the not in a thousand years list.

Oh, come on now, you know how to treat a woman.

I thought so.

I did all right in my day.

Oh, you're still the same guy you always were.

Sure, there's a bit more fat.

Okay, the virility is declined.

You, you, you, you craved her every day,

sometimes every hour.

But now, once a week seems like an effort,

and the face has sagged

and the onset of bitch tits seems inevitable,

but all you've got to look forward to is a...

You don't bloody wash

and you piss wherever the urge takes you.

You're like a stray dog.

I am a wolf.

End of the 13th.

Well, I'm buggered.

After too many years of celibacy,

savage ex-wife that swore me off women for life,

I've finally found the woman of my dreams

who thinks I'm a basket case.

That looks good.

I was saving this for a celebration.

Down with Polk all over him.

Maybe when I saw my daughter again,

but that's not bloody likely.

Cook might win this fight by a wide margin.

He's trying to hold on.

Last few seconds of the final round,

sees Vasilio hanging on.

Don't you have a cup?

Then it was all around.

And where the hell do you think you've been?

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Your dinner's ruined.

Algernon Steadman.

Steadman and Cross, chartered accountants to the stars.

You may have read about me in such august publications

as Accountancy Age, ACC Global,

and the bankruptcy list in the Ham and High!

What the hell happened?

That.

The sauce got me.

Jesus, sorry, mate.

I had no idea.

♪ Went on in our lives ♪

Where you going with that?

♪ Something went astray ♪

Now, Algy Steadman hasn't had a drink

since 2000 and bloody ages.

Oops.

Ah.

No, no, don't worry, old man.

I'd forgotten how bloody fantastic it is.

♪ And my lover says, call me ♪

You're a good man, Doug, formidable man.

I know this about you.

The kindness you've shown to this poor man.

You're like Jesus!

♪ Baby, it was just for you ♪

I'm gonna help you, just as you helped me.

Because you deserve it.

Rescue and prosper?

Algernon Steadman.

Algy?

- Get rid of it. - Don't tell me what

you think, I'm gonna tell you what I think, it's going.

Well, if it isn't Don King.

We're just measuring up, Mr. Evans.

What?

Oh, I bought the debt.

We're gonna raze this shithole

and open up a proper, modern gym.

Franchise the crap out of it.

Hot yoga, boxercise, Pilates.

Juice bar.

Zumba.

I'm a partner, aren't I, Gi?

It's gonna be amazing.

Incredible.

I warned you.

You had your chance.

Roopie, on me.

Oh, coming, Gi.

Oh, bitch.

Oh, Albert, I'm bloody dying.

I might need a hand.

Why aren't you at school?

You look like shit, but I've got an idea.

What?

This.

They're outlaws.

That's not boxing.

Yeah, I know but the skills are the same.

Look, the purse is nearly 100,000 pounds.

Biggest it's ever been.

And then there's the side bets, you know,

chase the ace, dipping, hustle.

They're tricky buggers, them Gypsies, let me tell ya.

What, worse than a payday lender?

- Ooh. - Look,

there hasn't been a fight in three years.

No one wants to fight Big Bill Brady 'cause he's so good.

That's why the purse is so big.

It's irrelevant, I'm a middleweight.

I've never done bare knuckle.

Added to which, I'm too old and out of shape.

I couldn't beat him in two years, let alone two days.

Yeah, but you're not gonna do the fighting.

You just train the fighter.

Who, Mick?

He's the only one big enough.

And he couldn't knock the sugar off a donut.

No offense, Mick.

No offense taken.

I don't mind eating the donuts,

I don't wanna knock shit out of it.

All right, come on, seriously.

Donny, man, who's gonna fight him?

Well.

My brother.

Donny and I are Romany Gypsies.

There's nothing we'd like more

than to see the title back in the hands of the Roma.

There's a long history.

My brother was the last man to fight him.

What, do you all feel the need to check your wallets?

Irish and Roma travelers have a huge rivalry.

They've ruined our already awful reputation.

All that my Big Fat Gypsy crap.

Donny and I have to hide our heritage.

You know, it's compulsory to hate us.

Maybe we can find a common interest.

What's the common interest?

Donny says you need money.

Don't we all?

47 grand or you're gonna lose this place.

Is that right?

We've got a surprise for you, Uncle Nosh.

We're taking you to Appleby Horse Fair!

No way!

Yeah!

There's just one thing though.

What?

You'll have to fight Big Bill Brady.

He says you can't go.

No!

He hurts!

Oh, come on, Nosh.

You can do it.

You nearly beat him last time, remember?

Oh, come on, Nosh, we just need you to do this for us.

We need the money to buy some Jaffa Cakes.

Being a nurse, well, it doesn't pay very well.

You're an extra mouth to feed.

A bloody big mouth.

We have to go in a bow top wagon.

Uh, yeah, yeah, of course we will.

All the way.

And I get to drive it.

Go on, go and choose your outfit.

How the hell we gonna sort that out?

A bow top?

What, all the way up there?

So, if you can just sign this one.

And, and there.

And that's it.

Are you sure this is right, Dougie?

I don't know what's right, Dad,

but I got to trust someone.

My mate says, transfer the ownership,

see the insolvency guys to get the sharks off my back

and buy us some time.

And then find the money.

He says it's gotta happen now.

It's this or wither away.

You raised a fighter, so I'm gonna fight.

You always was a smart cookie, Dougie.

You're like your mother.

I say, he's like you, babes.

He's got those Jew smarts.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dad.

You can't say that out loud, not in here.

Oh, I do miss your mother.

Yeah, me too, Dad.

Dad, I'm gonna go away for a little while.

I'm gonna go and try and get some money.

And when I get back, I hope that things'll be better.

You go for it, Dougie.

Yeah, and I need you to know

that I'm not gonna come and see you for a little while,

but it's only 'cause

I'm doing something really important, okay?

Got it, Dougie.

But little Melissa will come and see me, won't she?

Dad, she , I haven't seen her in years.

Her mum took off with her, remember?

Damn this shitty life!

Hey.

My days are empty.

My nights are emptier.

I need a challenge.

Hey, when I get back, how about you come

and help me in the gym again?

Like the good old days.

Oh, you don't mean that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we'll get you out of that home as well.

Don't promise me, Dougie.

Don't promise me and then break my heart.

♪ Starting to worry 'bout you ♪

Here she is, look.

Mr. Evans.

I'm so delighted to meet you, I'm Vera.

Now, you call me Burt, princess.

Have you come to take my bloods?

No, no, I'm Doug's friend.

I've come to witness the signing of...

Ah, you're the Gypsy girl!

The Gypsy!

Please don't say that out loud

'cause people hate us.

Who does?

Who could hate you with a face like that?

Here, what about us here, eh?

I'm a cockney, this here's a Gypsy, Gypsy girl.

Dougie there, he's a Jew.

'Cause his mother's Jewish, you see, that's how it works.

Well, I don't care where people come from,

it's how you live that matters.

Here, put a ring on this one, Dougie.

She's too good for this bleedin' place.

It's not like that, Dad.

You best fuck off, mate.

A fine morrow to you, sir.

That Swiss finishing school

worked out well for you, didn't it?

There's no Jews, stinking Gypos.

And you can take that fucking cripple with you and all.

Hey, no, no, no, no, no.

Hold tight.

Sit down, sit down.

Dad, sit down.

My old man drank in this boozer for 50 years.

Don't worry about this, Dougie.

Dad, I said, no.

One, two, three, four.

That's the order I'll fight you in.

I'm too tired.

Do you twice.

Oh, yeah?

No, you'll get hurt!

No!

Look at him go!

Go on, my son!

I got a pony on ya!

Told you twice.

Still got it, eh?

Oh, shit!

If all else fails, go for the knacker cracker.

Go on, girl!

Give him another fucking wallop!

Tap it.

Jab him now.

Jab, jab.

Nice.

Concentrate.

Where's Tweedledum and Tweedledumber.

Russel, Russel McKenzie.

I'm an insolvency practitioner.

Algy?

Russel's an old chum!

Just wanted to press the flesh, you know.

It's all a bit urgent.

Thanks.

Did you transfer the ownership?

Good.

I'll contact Big Hug.

You need to get the money together ASAP,

but I can keep them away for a while, maybe a month,

and freeze the interest.

Best of luck.

Thanks, Algy.

Thanks.

Now, go out and get that money any way that you can!

28.

29.

30.

Hold that tight now, boys.

Get up, I hardly hit it.

Get him up, I hardly hit that.

Get him up, too.

He's making the place look untidy.

Mm.

Aw, jeez, Bill.

I'm feeling strong, boys.

Um, so.

He's still cold, Bill.

Get him up now.

Oh no, he's breathing,

he's breathing, he's fine.

He's making the place look miserable.

Go fuck yourself.

Hey, it's on, the fight's on!

At Appleby?

Yeah, at Appleby!

Oi, don't chat shit, that's sick, blud!

Sick, what does that mean?

Is that good or bad?

Well, good, man.

Oh, right.

Well, I guess that's goodbye for a while.

What?

What?

What do you mean, goodbye?

The fight.

If it's on I have to go.

No, no, no, no, no.

We have to go, man, we.

And I'm your corner, captain.

I'm your manager and your promoter.

I've managed all sorts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm your second, blud.

I'm your assistant.

I'm yours.

Your nurse.

It's okay, I get it.

I don't wanna slow you down,

so you just make sure you bring back what you need.

I don't have a trainer.

Damn this thing.

Have I got to tow you myself?

Get in the back of the truck.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, man, thanks, Doug.

Nobody gets left behind.

All for one.

- Yeah. - All for one!

Ooh, left, left, left, left, left hook.

Bill.

Bill!

You got yourself a challenger.

Big feckin' Gypsy fella, you know him.

A dirty fucking Gypsy?

Nosher.

That big simple-headed fellow wants another try?

Wants to fight you at Appleby though.

At the fair so?

That's a big fecking crowd so!

Fecking big pot at 25 a head, now.

They'll all want to see you knacker him.

Aye, aye, right enough then.

Hey, hey!

♪ Drive my truck midway ♪

- ♪ To the motorway station ♪ - I'm taking the lads

up to Appleby, big scrap going off.

Yeah, Nosher. ♪ Fair lane cruiser ♪

♪ Coming up on the ♪

- ♪ Left hand side ♪ - Fly, how are you, son?

No, no, no.

- ♪ Headlights shining ♪ - Me and the gang,

we're going up to Appleby. ♪ Driving rain ♪

on the window frame

There's a big scrap on, isn't there.

♪ Little young Lady Stardust hitching a ride ♪

♪ And it's a two, four, six, eight ♪

♪ Ain't never too late ♪

♪ Me and my radio trucking on through the night ♪

♪ Two, four, six, eight ♪

♪ Ain't never too late ♪

♪ Me and my radio trucking on through the night ♪

- ♪ Three, five, seven, nine ♪ - Come on, lads!

Who are we going to support?

♪ Double white line ♪

Nosher, Nosher!

♪ Motorway sun coming up with the morning light ♪

♪ Whiz kid sitting pretty on your two-wheel stallion ♪

♪ This old 10-ton lorry got a beat on you ♪

You ready for some food, Nosh?

I'm hungry.

Mm.

How are you doing, partner?

Well now, alongside the invigorating conversation,

seating arrangements that would irk

and torment the Marquis de Sade,

I'd say that's easily my least favorite five hours on earth.

But thanks for asking.

Right, you lot.

- Who was driving? - Me.

- Give me... - Come on, lad, come on, mate.

Drop 'em here, boy.

Christ almighty.

Charmed.

Oh, no, I meant.

I know exactly what you meant.

Is he any good?

I mean, I haven't even seen him move around or anything yet.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I have to worry about it.

If we're gonna be training him,

I need to know what to tighten up, what needs attention,

I, I've only got a few days.

It's not really like that.

Gypsy fighting, it's all about who can stand the longest.

Who can endure the most pain, it's...

Mm, like boxing.

The Irish, it's all about brawn.

They're clubbers.

Whereas Nosher, Nosh can move.

He's surprisingly light on his feet.

- Mm. - You'll be amazed, trust me.

But what about, you know, his head and that?

He's a happy boy, that's all.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I, I didn't mean it like that.

I just mean for fighting, you need to be superhuman.

He is superhuman, he's a super human.

Yeah, sorry, I, you know, I didn't mean it like that.

You know, I got a lot riding on this.

You, you know, you make a few quid, but this is it for me.

He fails, I fail,

again.

You might feel like a loser,

you might even look like a bit of a loser,

but you've gotta stop looking behind you.

If you keep looking behind you,

all you're gonna get is a stiff neck.

Come on, Nosh.

Come on, Nosh, let's see them feet move.

Let me see you dribble.

Whoa!

No, power's useless without control.

Let's try some pads.

Riz, glove up.

Show Nosher how to control his power.

And remember, balance, control.

That's good.

Wow.

Time.

Nosher, you're up.

Remember, control.

That's good.

Balance.

Jab.

Jab.

Left, right.

Good, balance.

One, two.

Good, one, two.

Jab.

Jab.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry.

- Blimey. - Sorry.

What was that?

Christ, Nosher!

This guy's a professional fighter.

He'll destroy you in seconds

if you don't take this seriously.

You're gonna get hurt, you pillock!

It's just gonna take a while, that's all.

We don't have a while.

He's heading for a bloodbath

if he doesn't get his act together.

Hold on, let me try.

I know what it's like to be different.

Come on, big man, over here.

We got a new game to play.

Catch this!

Watch out now, it's heavy.

It's not a football.

That's it, my son.

Yes, and again.

Give it some muscle.

Come on.

Watch out.

Ooh, that's gotta hurt.

Yeah, there you go.

That's our champion.

He's like bloody King Kong, him!

I'm gonna go and help him.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

No, he needs help.

He'll snarl at ya!

You all right, Davros?

No, don't you touch me!

Don't you come near me, you patronizing snot!

You little bag of puke!

I will rip your fingers off!

Don't look at me!

Told ya.

I'll eat you alive!

Don't look at me!

None of you look at me!

We've got a tiger by the tail.

Go on, Nosh!

Woohoo!

Ah, that's just wrong, man!

He's doing it right, he's just finding his level.

Wee!

Wee hee!

Come on, Nosh, you can do it, mate!

Bombs away!

Oh my, oh!

Oh my dizzy days!

Now he's done it, bloody hell!

Do you see that?!

Will you be my best friend?

Do it.

So long as you be mine!

Will one of you pricks help me up?

I tell you what, Nosh.

When I was in the Navy,

we had to do exactly what we were told to.

You was in the Navy?

Driving ships?

The most important lesson I learnt

is that it takes a lot of parts to make a good machine.

It's a bit like us here.

We've all got special jobs to do to make this mission work.

And you have got the most important job of all.

Beating Big Bill Brady, of course!

And only you can do that, only you.

My best mate in all the world, Nosher.

I'm a good lad, I am.

You are.

Yo, Doug.

I swear down, man, he's like, he's like a freakin'.

Cyclops.

You know, Clash of the Titans, double strong.

You know what I mean.

He swiped that caravan like it was a fly.

Yeah, so he's strong.

So's Brady.

Yeah, but it's always been like that.

Like he hits like most of us can kick.

That's a tiny part of it.

Boxing's the only game

where David can actually beat Goliath if he uses his head.

Brady knows how to play the game, you can count on that.

And he will destroy...

Yo, Douglas, Dougie, Doug, D-dot.

I hate to break it down for you man.

These mans ain't fighting.

They're straight 'tumping each other, G!

It's not boxing, man.

They're like shaved bears, innit.

Yeah, we'll see.

The doctor said to me, Mick,

never go for a pee on your own.

What?

Yeah, he said I shouldn't lift anything heavy.

- Dav? - Yeah?

See you back in the truck.

Get some chewing gum, will ya?

Yeah.

Me fecking back.

We should have bloody flown up in the airplane.

Jesus, how many more miles now, huh?

Shut your fecking whining.

You're like a fecking pup!

Right, but it's, it's not good for his body

before the fight, neither.

Don't you be worrying about my body now.

I'll be shutting young Nosher up

in nothing but a minute or two.

Look, I know that, all right.

I just wanna make sure you're ready for the fight.

I'll rip that Nosher's head off, I tell ya.

No splashing, Bridget.

Well, brother, are you shitting or are you texting?

Well now, I have two hands and one arse so, to be sure.

Do you hear that, Bridget?

He says he's got two hands and one arse.

Aye, he's blessed sure enough.

'Course, some of us have two arses.

One for shitting and one for thinking.

Now give the poor fella his phone back

and don't be looking at it pretending you can read, now.

There you are, brother.

Thank you so, to be sure.

No bother.

You all right there, fella?

Aye.

I'll see you back at the fair, so.

So you will, brother.

You'll come watch our man, Big Bill,

pull the fecking head

off that dirty Gypsy bastard.

4.60 pounds, please.

Right, there you go.

Thank you.

Call your boyfriend back later.

I'm hungry.

Off to the fair now?

Yeah.

But then it's just as fast, the whole bloody lot.

Are you all right, Doug?

He can't win.

What do you mean?

Bill Brady's in there.

What?

I just saw him.

He's like a bloody oil rig.

Our man can't win.

Look at the size of him!

OMG, he's bigger than Donkey Kong!

He's a monster!

Hey, yo, what's my man Davros doing, fam?

I think he's having a fit.

Thai chi.

Look at that idiot.

Fecking Thai Chi.

Who's the girl in your wallet?

It fell out your pocket the other day at the campsite.

I wanted to ask you then but I.

My daughter.

Where is she?

I don't know.

Her mum, she, she took my money

and she moved on to a bigger wallet,

and when she bled him out, she took off with Melissa.

Disappeared.

She was only five.

Well, how old is she now?

12.

What, and you've never found her?

I looked for years.

I trawled Eastern Europe with nothing to go on.

It's messy.

I can help you.

We'll just get through this and then I'll help you find her.

I know all kinds of people, especially in Eastern Europe.

Good people.

Just do your stuff with Nosher, yeah?

Come on, my son!

Come on, Nosh.

One, one, two.

Now I tell ya,

you put every penny you have on this fight, right.

You put your dogs on it, yeah?

Go on, my son, go on, go on, go on!

You're the winner, you're the winner, you're the winner!

You're the champ, you're the champ!

You're the winner, yes you are!

Ram it, pound it!

Grind it!

Come on, that's it!

That's the one!

Keep it going!

Yeah.

Come on, Nosh!

Come on, Nosher, lad.

Keep going, keep going!

Woohoo!

Beautiful people allowed in my gym.

No ugly people, no fat people.

This is gonna be a monument to glory.

Gym, my name, my gym.

We're gonna have fully branded clothing.

State of the art, beautiful stuff.

Modeled for you now.

- Go. - Sorry.

It's cool, innit.

Mum!

Poster's got Nosher's face on it.

Albert, over here!

Romany Air Force!

Battle of Brady, come on!

Boom!

Albert, come on!

You all right, Albert?

I think so, captain.

Just bit of gut ache, that's all.

Maybe sit this one out, eh?

That thing I was telling you about, innit.

Albert!

Are you all right, Albert?

I'm okay, Nosh.

Just a bit of stomach ache, that's all.

I'm getting on a bit.

I might have overdone it.

Albert, darling, give me your wrist.

Mick, what's wrong with Albert, fam?

I think we should nip you to a hospital, okay?

No, it's okay.

It's just a precaution.

The fight.

Nosh.

No!

Ambulance, get an ambulance.

Okay, thank you.

What's the verdict?

Well, I'm afraid poor Albert isn't going anywhere.

They're gonna give him a scan

and then they may have to operate immediately.

But can he come to the fight then?

Don't think there's gonna be a fight, Nosh.

We can't go through with it after this.

But Albert's proud of me.

I was gonna make him really proud.

I'm already proud, Nosh.

Albert, I'm sorry that you're poorly.

I need you to help me,

to do something amazing.

I want you to carry on without me, all right?

Just think of me

and be my best friend.

That's your special job, all right?

And kill Big Bill Brady to death!

Come on, that boy's gonna win some money!

24 quid.

All your money on him, now.

- All your money on him. - You got your money

on me, boys?

I tell ya, I'm gonna kill him!

I can't hear you!

Yeah, it sounds like her.

Send me the number.

All right then, bye.

He's going down in two, boys.

He's going down in two.

I can't hear you, lads!

Let's go, Bill!

Look at him, he hasn't got a clue what's coming to him.

He hasn't got a clue.

He hasn't got a prayer!

Whatever you do, Nosh,

don't go full pace with him, all right?

He's a big man like you.

He's gonna run out of energy quickly, all right?

Let him try and hit you and just keep dodging

and wait till he slows down before you attack, okay?

You scared, boy?

I don't like him.

Me neither, pal.

Albert hates him.

You're going home in a box, boy.

Now listen, for the first round,

I need you to keep your arms up.

No, Doug, wait, look.

What, what, what, what?

There are no rounds.

What?

How do I speak to Nosher?

If he goes down, you help him, okay?

You better ring an ambulance, boy, I tell ya!

Listen to me, Nosh, listen to me.

I need you to keep dodging until you hear me shout, okay?

I'm gonna shout Albert when I want you to let fly, okay?

What am I gonna shout?

Albert!

That's right, blud!

We're right here, you feel me!

Get out the ring, I wanna fight now!

Be lucky, Nosh.

Let's go!

- Come on! - You're going home in a box,

I tell ya.

Come on, Nosher.

He's ready to go, boy, you ready to go?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Come on, boy, this is what you came for, come on!

- Oh, please. - Ready, Big Bill?

- Ready? - I'm gonna rip your head off!

Fight!

Come on, hit him!

Come on, Nosh!

Referee!

Referee, that's a foul!

Ref, he butted him!

His eye!

Do him!

Yes, yes!

That's it, you've got him!

Get up now, Bill, come on, get up.

You'll have to use your feet, this fella's too strong.

Get out of it!

Come on!

Come on, there's big money on this!

Get up!

Let's go!

Finish him, Nosher!

Come on, come on, finish him!

Keep him down!

Don't let him stand up, Nosher!

Finish him!

Hit him again!

Go on, you big lump!

Nearly there!

No, come on, Nosher!

Albert!

Albert, Albert!

No!

Something's wrong.

No.

What the hell was that?

You kicked him, you bloody cheat!

He was down before the kick.

It was a fair win!

Was it, balls!

You're in it together!

Away, boy!

Someone threw pepper in his eyes!

Nosher, Nosher, are you all right, son?

I can't see.

It's okay, Nosh.

It's over.

No.

Not fair, they cheated.

- Come on. - Get him up,

get him up.

That's it.

Bastards, we should have known!

We can still do this.

What?

You take him on.

I'll deal with the rest.

He'll kill me.

No, he won't!

You just box him like you've been saying.

You just keep him here for a while.

You can do it!

I saw you in the pub.

You're in a different class.

You can do this.

Let's just do what we came to do, yeah, yeah?

All or nothing.

If he beats our man, I'll double the pot.

If we win, we take every penny.

You will have to pay though.

They will come for it.

I'm Roma, I live by honor.

Hey, boy.

- Forget about him. - That's a good looking woman.

Don't look at him.

I'll have her after the fight too.

That was just a warm up, son.

I'll squash you like a fly.

And show you no mercy, boy.

Yeah, that's it boy, take a picture.

Good luck, blud.

You won't recognize him when I'm finished.

Say goodbye to your teeth, boy.

Kiss your arse goodbye, boy.

There's no bother warming up, boy.

This won't take long.

Yes!

Yes!

Go on, hit him!

Come on, come on, Doug!

Come on, let's go!

You want a fight.

Yes!

Hey, Paddy, what are you up to?

Hey, hey?

What are you doing down there?

Well, I, I, I'm just looking for me car keys.

I've not seen you before, are you a traveling man?

Aye, I've been travelling all over Europe, yeah.

I'm just, just here for the fair, you know.

What's your living then, Paddy?

A bit of this and a bit of that,

bit of a scrap and that, you know.

Sing the odd, uh, Irish folk song, you know.

Oh, well, go on then, sing us a song.

Michael, come 'round here,

we got a man gonna sing us a song.

Uh, um.

♪ He drinks a whiskey drink ♪

♪ He drinks a vodka drink ♪

♪ And yes, he loves the sauce ♪

♪ So, he drinks a cider drink ♪

♪ He sings about the times when things were going good ♪

♪ And sings a song that remind him of better days ♪

♪ Oh, Danny boy, Danny boy, Danny boy ♪

♪ Pissing in the wind, pissing in the wind ♪

♪ All go pissing in the wind ♪

Nah, nah, nah, G boy.

Nah, nah, you can't see, fam.

Sit down, G!

♪ Pissing in the wind, pissing in the wind ♪

- ♪ All go pissing in the wind ♪ - You all right, Mick?

- Um. - Hey,

what are you doing out there?

♪ Pissing in the wind ♪

Trying to get up to the big fight,

but me wheels don't like the grass.

You're not an Irishman, you must be a mangy Gypsy!

Looks like the mange took his legs.

Just give a poor fella a hand, will ya?

Don't be feck, for 50 pound, maybe.

It's all I've got left.

Come on!

Finish him, take him down!

Yes, old boy!

That's it, that's it!

When I get back,

how about you come and help in the gym again?

Don't promise me, Dougie.

Don't promise me and then break my heart.

You are a captain.

You're a captain to me, the other lads.

That's all.

We'll just get through this, and I'll help you find her.

Ooh!

You fecker!

Leg it!

- Leg it! - Feck off!

Run!

Donny, get in the car, pull the door already!

He's got my fecking money!

After 'em!

Come on!

Jesus, Michael, me tires are flat!

I can't move, Michael!

Guys, the bow top!

Leave it!

♪ I could be wrong ♪

♪ I could be right ♪

♪ I could be wrong ♪

♪ I could be wrong, I could be right ♪

♪ I could be black, I could be white ♪

♪ I could be right, I could be wrong ♪

♪ I could be white, I could be black ♪

♪ Your time has come, your second skin ♪

♪ The cost so high, the gain so low ♪

♪ Walk through the valley ♪

♪ The written word is a lie ♪

♪ May the road rise with you ♪

♪ May the road rise with you ♪

♪ May the road rise with you ♪

♪ May the road rise with you ♪

♪ I could be wrong ♪

♪ I could be right ♪

♪ I could be wrong ♪

♪ I could be right ♪

Ooh!

Look, Doug, over here!

Over here, Doug, look, look!

Daddy?

Melissa!

I've missed you!

I love you.

Ah.

Ah, thanks.

Thanks, everyone.

Okay, folks, it's party time.

♪ Here I am on bended knees ♪

♪ I lay my heart down at your feet ♪

♪ Now, do I love you ♪

♪ All you have to do is ask ♪

♪ I'll give you until there's nothing left ♪

♪ Do I love you ♪

♪ As long as there is life in me ♪

♪ Your happiness is guaranteed ♪

♪ I'll fill your heart with ecstasy forever, darling ♪

♪ Do I love you ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Do I love you ♪

♪ Tell me now, do I love you ♪

♪ Indeed, I do ♪

♪ Indeed, I do ♪

♪ Here's another thing I wanna say to you now ♪

♪ The very thing that I want most ♪

♪ Is just to have an hold you close ♪

♪ Do I love you ♪

♪ From early morning till late at night ♪

♪ You fill my heart with pure delight ♪

♪ Do I love you ♪

♪ Whenever I lay me down to sleep ♪

♪ I pray the Lord your soul to keep ♪

♪ And bring you home safe to me forever, darling ♪

♪ Do I love you ♪

♪ Tell me now, do I love you ♪

♪ One more time, do love you ♪

♪ Indeed, I do ♪

♪ Sweet darling ♪

♪ Indeed I do ♪

♪ Now, whenever I lay me down to sleep ♪

♪ I pray the Lord your soul to keep ♪

♪ And bring you home safe to me forever, darling ♪

♪ Do I love you ♪

♪ Tell me now, do I love you ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪

♪ Do I love you ♪

♪ Indeed, I do ♪

♪ Little darling, indeed, I do ♪

Taff would,

Ta,

Taff would.

Should have started off training

on one of them rowing machines.

Except for the sank it.

The burning bush.

Oh, I've seen a few of them in my time.

Have ya?

The burning bush.

Oh, what?

Oh, no, don't, I know where you're going with that.

No, just stop that freakin' lark.

This is supposed to be a family movie.

I farted on his hand.

We're worried about you, Nick.

In about two seconds,

and you can get yourself back into position.

I think we might have a champion in the club at last.

I think we might have a champion in the club, at last.

Emphasize champion.

I think we might have a champion in the club at last.

I think we might have champion in the club at last.

I think we might have a champion.

Taffy would,

Taffy.

Easy for you to say.

Taffy,

Taffy, Taffy would be,

- Taffy. - Taffy would be so proud!

Taffy would...

Would be so proud.

I assume we lost that one.

Subtitles by explosiveskull