All language subtitles for Watch.The.Birdie.1950.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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HIYA, FOLKS, THIS IS ME.

AND ME.

AND ME!

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
THESE NAMES MEAN SO YOU CAN
EAT YOUR POPCORN IN PEACE.

THESE TWO GIRLS FOUGHT OVER ME.

ARLENE DAHL WANTED ME TO MARRY
ANN MILLER, AND ANN MILLER
WANTED ME TO MARRY ARLENE DAHL.

THIS IS THE TITLE.
PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS.

WE'D LIKE TO MAKE A LITTLE MONEY
WITH THIS PICTURE.

THESE ARE THE VILLAINS.
THEY GET PAID FOR BEING BAD.

ME, I'M DIFFERENT.
I'M GOOD FOR NOTHING.

WE HAD 4 WRITERS

ON THIS PICTURE.

3 OF THEM COULD WRITE,

AND THE OTHER ONE
WAS MY WIFE'S BROTHER.

THESE ARE THE MEN
WHO CONTROL EVERYTHING:

THE SOUND, THE PHOTOGRAPHY,
THE COSTUME, THE SCENERY,
THE MAKEUP.

THEY TELL YOU WHAT TO DO,
AND YOU DO IT.

THEY ARE THE BOSSES. IN MOVIES,
THEY CALL THEM TECHNICIANS.

IN THE ARMY,
THEY'RE CALLED SERGEANTS.

THE PRODUCER RAVED
ABOUT MY ACTING.

IN FACT, THEY TOOK
HIM AWAY YESTERDAY.

A DIRECTOR HAS TO HAVE 3 THINGS:

IMAGINATION, SHOWMANSHIP,
AND ANOTHER JOB IN CASE
THE PICTURE'S NO GOOD.

WELL, WELCOME TO
CAMMERON & SON & SON'S
PHOTOGRAPHIC STUDIOS.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

I'D LIKE TO BUY
A CAMERA FOR $22.50.

WELL, WE HAVE
A $20 CAMERA, AND THE PRICE
NEXT TO THAT IS $25.

I'D LIKE ONE
FOR $22.50.

OH. WELL, I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT. WE'RE HAVING
A SALE TODAY,

SO I'LL GIVE YOU
THE $25 CAMERA FOR $22.50.

NEXT I'D LIKE
5 ROLLS OF FILM
AT 95 CENTS A ROLL.

5 ROLLS OF FILM.

WELL, THEY COME
IN A PACKAGE OF 6.

CAN YOU USE
THE EXTRA ONE?

NO, THANKS. JUST GIVE ME
5 ROLLS OF FILM
AT 95 CENTS A ROLL.

OH, WELL, YOU SEEM
LIKE A NICE LITTLE BOY.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL GIVE YOU ALL 6
FOR THE PRICE OF 5.

FINE. NEXT I'D LIKE
A CAMERA CASE AT $3.00.

SAVE YOUR MONEY.
YOU DON'T NEED
A CAMERA CASE.

I'D LIKE A $3.00
CAMERA CASE.

YEAH.

HERE'S ONE I'LL LET
YOU HAVE FOR $3.00.

THANK YOU. HOW MUCH
DOES THAT ALL COME TO?

WELL, LET'S FIND OUT.

HERE WE ARE.
CAMERA, $22.50.

FILM, 95...

$3.00.

THAT COMES TO $30.25.

ARE YOU SURE?

WELL, THIS MACHINE'S
NEVER BEEN WRONG YET.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MISTER. GOOD-BYE.

WAIT A MINUTE.
DON'T YOU WANT TO
TAKE YOUR STUFF?

NO. I JUST WANTED
TO MAKE SURE I HAD
THE TOTAL RIGHT.

THAT WAS MY ARITHMETIC
LESSON FOR TOMORROW.

OH.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

OHH!

OH, WELCOME TO
CAMMERON & SON & SON'S
PHOTOGRAPHIC STUDIO.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

MY NAME'S WHITTLE.
I'M FROM THE EAGLE
COLLECTION AGENCY.

OH, WELL, THERE
MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.
I DON'T COLLECT EAGLES.

MY AGENCY'S
BEEN RETAINED BY
YOUR CREDITORS

TO COLLECT
THE SUM OF $1,197.

HERE'S A LIST
OF WHAT YOU OWE.

OH, WELL,
I'LL HAVE TO SPEAK TO
MY FATHER ABOUT THIS.

HOW COULD WE OWE
ALL OF THAT MONEY?

I'M ONLY DOING
MY DUTY, BUT IF YOU
CAN'T PAY THIS,

I'M AFRAID WE'LL HAVE
TO CLOSE UP YOUR STORE.

LOOK, MISTER, ALL OF
MY SAVINGS, ALL OF
MY FATHER'S SAVINGS

WENT INTO OPENING
THIS STORE.

NOW, WE'RE LIABLE TO
TAKE IN THE $1,197
ON THIS SALE ALONE.

COULDN'T YOU GIVE US
A LITTLE MORE TIME?
PLEASE.

WELL, LET'S SAY
DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

BUT I CAN'T GIVE YOU
ONE MINUTE MORE.
NOW, THAT'S FINAL.

THANKS.

GOOD DAY.

BYE.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[BRAKES SQUEAKING]

[MEN TALKING]

OH, NO!

SAY, FELLAS, WOULD
YOU MIND COMING
BACK TOMORROW?

I'M HAVING
A SALE TODAY.

WHY DON'T YOU
WRITE A LETTER
TO THE NEWSPAPERS?

WAIT A MINUTE!
YOU JUST FIXED THIS
STREET LAST WEEK.

WELL, YOU CAN'T EXPECT
THINGS TO LAST FOREVER.

NO.

COME ON.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

WELL, LOOK--

[JACKHAMMER]

HEY, GET THIS STUFF
OUT OF HERE!

[JACKHAMMER STARTS]

HEY!

HELP! HEY!

[THUD]

YES, SIR?
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

I LEFT MY LIGHT METER
HERE TO BE FIXED.

NAME'S TIERSON.

TIERSON. YES, SIR.

THAT WILL BE $5.00 EVEN.

SAY, WE'RE HAVING A SALE TODAY.
GIVE YOU A NICE TRADE-IN
ON A NEW LIGHT METER.

ARE YOU KIDDING? BROTHER,
THIS IS THE SWEETEST LITTLE
LIGHT METER IN THE BUSINESS.

ONLY LAST WEEK IN THE
RAIN I GRABBED A SHOT
OF A 5-STAR GENERAL.

EASIEST $100
I EVER MADE IN MY LIFE.

$100 JUST FOR
A LITTLE PIECE OF FILM?

SURE. I'M A FREELANCE
NEWSREEL CAMERAMAN.

THEY'LL PAY HEAVY
FOR ANY HOT FOOTAGE.

THEY WILL?

WELL, I'VE SOLD THEM
SO MUCH STUFF

THAT I'M GOING
TO TAKE A NICE
TWO WEEKS' VACATION.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
ARE YOU TAKING
YOUR CAMERAS WITH YOU?

THIS IS A VACATION.

OH, WELL, OUR FIRM
MAKES A SPECIAL OFFER

OF AIR-CONDITIONED
STORAGE SPACE FOR CAMERAS.

IT'S MOTH-PROOF,
RUST-PROOF,
AND BURGLAR-PROOF.

NO, I DON'T THINK
I'D BE INTERESTED.

IT'S ONLY 35 CENTS A WEEK.
FOR NEW CUSTOMERS,
35 CENTS FOR TWO WEEKS.

[HONKS HORN]

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

IT'S ADMIRAL BATTLEVITZ.
HE'S COMING OUT RIGHT NOW.

OH, REALLY?
ADMIRAL?

CAREFUL, LADY.
THIS CAMERA DOESN'T
BELONG TO ME.

WILL YOU CALL ME
A TAXI, PLEASE?

[SIREN APPROACHING]

[SIREN STOPS]

I CHRISTEN YOU DESTROYER!

Man: HELP! HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

WOODY!

HELP!

MY CAMERA.
WHERE'S MY CAMERA?

OH, I'M SORRY, BUT
I'M AFRAID WE LOST THAT.

OH, NO. YOU SHOULD
HAVE SAVED THE CAMERA
AND LET ME DROWN.

THAT THING COST $1,200.

OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN DOING
THINGS I COULDN'T AFFORD,

BUT IT'S THE FIRST TIME
I EVER GOT ANY PLEASURE
OUT OF IT.

I'LL SEND
YOUR CLOTHES IN.

I'LL BE BACK
IN A MINUTE.

OH, PARDON ME, MA'AM.

HOW MUCH CAMERA
AND PHOTOGRAPHIC EQUIPMENT

WOULD A STORE HAVE
TO SELL TO MAKE
A $1,200 PROFIT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.
'BOUT, I'D GUESS, OH, $2,400.

NOW, DON'T TELL ME
WE'RE GOING INTO
THE CAMERA BUSINESS.

NO, BUT I WANT $2,400
WORTH OF EQUIPMENT

PURCHASED FROM
CAMMERON & SONS
ANONYMOUSLY.

LUCIA!

YES?

ALL RIGHT,
IT'S YOUR MONEY.

[AH-CHOO]

I WONDER IF I BROKE THOSE.

BETTER TEST THEM.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

AHA! I KNEW I BROKE ONE.

[BIRDS TWITTERING]

OH, PARDON ME. WELCOME
TO CAMMERON & SON &
SON'S PHOTOGRAPHIC...

[AH-CHOO]

PARDON ME. I FELL IN
THE WATER YESTERDAY AND
CAUGHT A LITTLE COLD.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

I WANT A CAMERA.
ANYTHING COSTING $150.

$150! RIGHT THIS WAY.

WELL, NOW, LET'S SEE.
HERE'S A NICE LITTLE CAMERA
FOR EXACTLY $150.

COURSE, I GOT
ANOTHER ONE FOR $49.

IT TAKES MUCH
BETTER PICTURES.

I'LL TAKE THE $150 ONE.

OH, I'LL PUT IT
IN A NICE LITTLE BOX
FOR YOU.

[COUNTING MONEY]

GEE, THAT MAKES OVER
$2,000 TODAY.

POP! HEY, DAD,
WILL YOU COME OUT HERE?
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!

I WAS IN HERE
TRYING TO RETOUCH ONE OF
OUR CUSTOMER'S SNAPSHOTS.

[LOW WHISTLE]

I THINK IT'S
A LITTLE OVERDEVELOPED.

POOR GIRL.
LITTLE TOO FOND OF FOOD.

TOO BAD
SHE DIDN'T HEAR YOUR
GRANDFATHER'S POEM.

WHICH ONE?

OH, THE ONE WHERE
GRANDPA SAYS, UM,

PUT THAT FORK DOWN,
SISTER, THIS IS FOR SURE,

YOU CAN'T HAVE
MASHED POTATOES
AND L'AMOUR TOUJOURS.

WHAT'S UP?

WE DID $2,200 WORTH
OF BUSINESS TODAY.

LAST THURSDAY
WE TOOK IN $4.12,

AND THIS THURSDAY
WE TAKE IN $2,200.

THAT'S AN INCREASE
OF 60,000%!

WELL, I TOLD YOU BUSINESS
WOULD GRADUALLY PICK UP.

AT THAT RATE,
NEXT THURSDAY WE'LL
TAKE IN $1,000,440,

AND THEN THE FOLLOWING
THURSDAY, WE'RE GOING TO
TAKE IN $86 MILLION.

HOLY SMOKE!

[WHISTLES]

YOUR GRANDFATHER
WOULD BE PLEASED.

YOU KNOW WHAT
HE SAYS ABOUT MONEY.

ONLY TWO THINGS IN LIFE
ARE IMPORTANT, BROTHER:

THE FIRST IS MONEY,
AND I DON'T REMEMBER
THE OTHER.

[BLOWING]

[GLOVE SQUEAKING]

[BLOWING AND SQUEAKING]

Woman:
HELLO, MR. CAMMERON.

GEE, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

WHEN I'M NOT ALL WET.
I MEAN, WHEN YOU'RE DRIER
THAN WHEN I'M WETTER.

SAY, I'D LIKE FOR YOU
TO MEET MY POP.

OH, I'D LOVE TO.

YOU WOULD?

YES.

POP, THIS IS
MISS LUCIA CORLANE.

HOW DO YOU DO?

I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR SAVING MY BOY'S LIFE.

OH, IT WASN'T THAT SERIOUS.
BESIDES, I FELT RESPONSIBLE.

RUSTY TRIED TO TELL ME
HOW LOVELY YOU WERE,

BUT UNFORTUNATELY
HE'S NOT A POET.

THANK YOU, MR. CAMMERON.
YOU'RE VERY SWEET.

YOU MUST VISIT
OUR STORE MORE OFTEN.

I NEVER REALIZED HOW
ATTRACTIVE IT WAS UNTIL
I SAW YOU STANDING THERE.

GOOD-BYE FOR NOW,
MISS CORLANE.

GOOD-BYE.

YOUR FATHER'S A DARLING.

I'M HIS ONLY SON.

YOU LOOK SO WONDERFUL
IT'S SILLY TO ASK,

BUT HOW ARE YOU?

I'M VERY WELL.
I'M ALSO A CUSTOMER.

OH, WELL, I'M
RATHER DISAPPOINTED.

YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T
WANT TO SELL ANYTHING?

WELL, NO. WHEN
I LOOK AT YOU, I DON'T
THINK OF BUSINESS.

THAT IS, WELL, IF
I HAD A STORE, I WOULD
GIVE YOU ANYTHING AND--

WELL, I DO HAVE
A STORE. HERE.

TAKE THAT AS A SOUVENIR.
I WAS GOING TO
THROW IT AWAY ANYHOW.

THANK YOU,
BUT I COULDN'T.

I WOULD LIKE TO BUY
A GIFT FOR A FRIEND.

SAY, SOMETHING
AROUND $200.

WELL, THIS CAMERA
WITH THE CARRYING CASE
AND SOME FILM

WILL RUN AROUND $200.

FINE. I'LL TAKE THEM.

PARDON ME.

[AH-CHOO]

[AH-CHOO]

WHAT ARE YOU TAKING
FOR THAT COLD?

MAKE ME AN OFFER.
I MEAN, NOTHING.
IT'S NOTHING AT ALL.

IT'S SLIGHT.

WELL, AS SOON
AS YOU'VE FINISHED
WRAPPING THIS,

I'M TAKING YOU RIGHT
DOWN TO MY DOCTOR.

WELL, I'D RATHER NOT.
YOU SEE, HE MIGHT CURE ME,

AND THEN I'D NEVER
SEE YOU AGAIN.

WHY DON'T WE GO
TO MY DOCTOR?
HE'S NOT TOO GOOD.

BUNDLE UP,
AND I'LL DRIVE YOU
RIGHT DOWN.

I'LL WRAP THIS FOR YOU.

UH, YOU'RE GOING TO WAIT
FOR ME, AREN'T YOU?

I TOLD YOU I HAVE TO
GET BACK TO THE OFFICE.

OH, WELL, SUPPOSING
I HAVE AN ATTACK
ON THE WAY HOME?

YOU JUST THOUGHT
OF THAT, DIDN'T YOU?

MM-HMM.

I'LL DO EVERYTHING
I'M TOLD.

FINE.

BYE.

BYE.

"NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR VALUABLES
LEFT IN DRESSING ROOMS."

GEE, THANKS FOR THE WARNING.

HELLO!

HI.

[AH-CHOO]

BLESS YOU.

THANK YOU. AAH!

AAH! AAH!

OH, PARDON ME.

I'M IN AN AWFUL HURRY.
DO YOU MIND?

OH, NO, IT'S
ALL RIGHT. GO AHEAD.

YOU'RE ON MY COAT
DOWN HERE.

PLEASE...PLAYBOY.

[RIP]

LOOK WHAT YOU DID!

WELL, I'M SORRY.
THIS WAS MY ROOM
TO BEGIN WITH.

AHHH!

OHH!

DON'T YOU KNOW HOW
TO BEHAVE IN PUBLIC?

LOOK,
THIS WAS MY ROOM.

YOU CAME IN HERE.
I DIDN'T ASK YOU
TO--BBBBLLLLL!

YOU'RE WALKING ALL OVER...

SORRY.

[AH-CHOO]

I'M...

I'M SORRY.

[AH-CHOO]

IF I WASN'T IN
SUCH A HURRY, I'D--

LOOK, YOU GO AHEAD.
FINISH UNDRESSING.
I'LL WAIT.

HERE LET ME HELP YOU.

[AH-CHOO]

[PANTS RIP]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

NATURALLY, MR. FARNS,

THE BANK WILL WANT
MY REPORT BEFORE GRANTING
THE COMPLETION LOAN.

I IMAGINE THAT MONEY'S
RATHER IMPORTANT TO YOU.

IMPORTANT! WITHOUT
THAT MONEY, WE CAN'T
FINISH THIS PROJECT.

YOU KNOW THAT
AS WELL AS WE DO.

AND A BAD REPORT
FROM YOU

MIGHT FORCE
MISS CORLANE TO
SELL OUT,

PROBABLY AT
A BIG SACRIFICE.

YOU DO WORK FOR
MISS CORLANE, DON'T YOU?

WELL, MR. SHANWAY,

I GUESS
I'M LIKE EVERY OTHER
SMART MAN IN THE WORLD.

I REALLY WORK FOR ME.

[HORN HONKING]

ISN'T THAT YOUR BOSS NOW?

YOU FINISH LOOKING
AROUND. I'LL SEE YOU
LATER, BUY YOU A DRINK.

A DRINK MIGHT BE
A GOOD IDEA.

WE HAVE TO DRINK
A TOAST TO
MY FAVORITE SUBJECT:

MONEY.

HELLO, LUCIA.

OH, MR. FARNS, I'VE
BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

I WANT YOU TO FIND
A JOB FOR
A NICE YOUNG FELLOW,

A FRIEND OF MINE.

LUCIA,
I HOPE YOU DON'T MEAN
THAT YOUNG CAMMERON.

YES.

THINGS ARE BAD ENOUGH
AROUND HERE.

BAD? IN WHAT WAY?

WELL, THAT SHANWAY'S
GOING TO BE AWFUL TOUGH ABOUT
WHAT GOES INTO HIS REPORT,

AND UNFORTUNATELY
WHAT HIS REPORT SAYS,
THE BANK ACTS ON.

WELL, WE'VE GOT
NOTHING TO HIDE
OR TO WORRY ABOUT.

LUCIA, ON A PROJECT
LIKE THIS, YOU CAN'T--

WAIT A MINUTE!

NEVER MIND ABOUT
THE JOB FOR
YOUNG CAMMERON.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO.

POP, I CAN'T
FIGURE IT OUT.

YESTERDAY WE TAKE
IN $2,400,

AND TODAY WE TAKE IN $1.90.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE
WE WON'T NEED THAT
BIGGER STORE AFTER ALL.

I WAS HOPING THAT
WITH A MILLION DOLLARS--

WELL, EVEN SOMEONE LIKE ME
WOULDN'T BE AFRAID TO
MAKE UP TO A RICH GIRL.

OH, MR. CAMMERON.

HMM? OHH!

IT'S ME AGAIN.
SAY, I HOPE YOU'VE
GOT THAT $1,197.

NO HARD FEELINGS,
BUT THEY MADE ME BRING
THE SHERIFF WITH ME.

HE'S OUT IN THE CAR.

WELL, YOU CAN TELL HIM
TO STAY IN THE CAR.

I GOT THE MONEY
IN THE CASH REGISTER.

WELL, I'LL SAY.

THERE YOU ARE. $1,197.

WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW PLEASED I AM,
MR. CAMMERON.

NOW YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
WELL, GOOD LUCK.

GOOD-BYE.

AND I GOT $1,204.97 LEFT.

HELLO, MAY I
PLEASE SPEAK TO
MISS LUCIA CORLANE?

Man: HI, MR. CAMMERON.

HERE'S YOUR 35 CENTS.

WOULD YOU GET
MY CAMERA OUT OF
STORAGE, PLEASE?

YOUR CAMERA?
OH, WELL, MR. TIERSON.

UNFORTUNATELY,
I LOST YOUR CAMERA.

WILL YOU TAKE THE ONE
POP HAS OVER THERE?

IT'S NOT A NEWSREEL
CAMERA, BUT IT TAKES
AWFULLY GOOD PICTURES.

GIVE ME MY CAMERA OR
GIVE ME $1,200 IN CASH,
OR I CALL THE POLICE.

OK, GIVE HIM
THE $1,200, POP.

HELLO?

NO, I DON'T WANT TO
SPEAK TO MISS CORLANE.

I GUESS I WAS TRYING TO
CALL THE WRONG NUMBER.

[CASH REGISTER OPENS]

THANK YOU, BOYS. I'VE
BEEN TRYING TO SELL THAT
CAMERA FOR 6 MONTHS.

HA HA HA!

WELL, THANK GOODNESS
IT WASN'T A TOTAL LOSS.

WE GOT 35 CENTS
OUT OF HIM.

YEAH.

I THINK I BETTER
GO DEPOSIT THIS
IN THE BANK.

OH, SON, IF ANY MORE
CUSTOMERS COME IN,

DON'T WAIT ON THEM,
BECAUSE WE CAN'T AFFORD
TO LOSE ANY MORE MONEY.

NO WONDER YOU'RE THE HEAD
OF A BIG CONSTRUCTION COMPANY.

YOU'RE A WALKING EXAMPLE
OF GOOD CONSTRUCTION.

HELLO.

GEE, MISS CORLANE.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE IN
BECAUSE WE HAVE SOME
BUSINESS TO DISCUSS.

BUSINESS?

OF COURSE. AREN'T
YOU A PHOTOGRAPHER?

PHOTOGRAPH YOU,
MISS CORLANE?

I HAVE NOTHING ELSE
TO DO THE REST
OF MY LIFE.

THAT'S VERY FLATTERING,
BUT WHAT I HAD IN MIND
IS A REAL-ESTATE PROJECT,

LUCKY VISTA.

I KNOW! HERE.

IF ALL BOSSES LOOKED LIKE
YOU, LABOR AND MANAGEMENT
COULD REALLY GET TOGETHER.

WHAT I NEED IS
A PICTORIAL RECORD

OF THE CONSTRUCTION
AS IT PROGRESSES.

I JUST MIGHT WANT TO
PROVE THAT EVERYTHING
IS BEING DONE RIGHT.

YOU DON'T EXPECT
ANY TROUBLE, DO YOU?

I CAN'T TAKE
ANY CHANCES.

YOU SEE, MY FATHER
STARTED THIS PROJECT
JUST BEFORE HE DIED.

IT WAS HIS LIFE'S DREAM.

WELL, I KNOW
YOU'LL DO IT.

I HAVE TO FOR
MY OWN SAKE, TOO.

EVERY PENNY I INHERITED
IS IN LUCKY VISTA.

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS
TO IT, THE MONEY DAD
LEFT ME,

MY HOME, EVERYTHING--

I'LL LOSE IT QUICKER
THAN YOU LOST
THAT $1,200 CAMERA.

WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY.
NOTHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

SAY, WHY DON'T WE DISCUSS
THIS BUSINESS AT LUNCH?

I'M AN AWFUL GOOD COOK.

ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL CALL IT
A BUSINESSMAN'S LUNCH.

RIGHT THIS WAY,
MISS CORLANE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
MAKE THE COFFEE WHILE
I START THE EGGS?

UH, YES, YES.

WHERE DO YOU KEEP
THE COFFEE POT?

RIGHT HERE.

UM, DON'T YOU HAVE
A COOK OR A WOMAN TO
TAKE CARE OF THE PLACE?

NO. SOMETIMES I COOK.
SOMETIMES FATHER COOKS.

WHEN GRANDFATHER'S
HERE, HE MAKES
A NICE IRISH STEW.

OH, YOU MEN.

WELL, NOW, LET'S SEE.

HOW DO YOU LIKE
YOUR EGGS?

SUNNY SIDE UP.

[GROANING]

BOY, THINGS GET AWFUL
COLD IN THIS FREEZER.

NOW, MR. CAMMERON,
I WANT YOU TO START
TAKING PICTURES TOMORROW

AT THE GROUNDBREAKING
CEREMONY.

I'LL BE THERE,
MISS CORLANE. AND I'LL DO
A GOOD JOB FOR YOU, TOO.

[WHISTLES]

HOW ABOUT
SCRAMBLED EGGS?

LOOKS LIKE
WE HAVE NO CHOICE.

CAN'T SCRAMBLE A HAMMER.

WILL YOU SETTLE
FOR HAM?

NOTHING I LIKE
BETTER THAN HAM.

HAM IT WILL BE.

THERE WILL BE PLENTY
TO PHOTOGRAPH TOMORROW.

THERE WILL BE
A SPEECH BY THE MAYOR,

MISS LUCKY VISTA,
TURKEY RAFFLE,
JUST EVERYTHING.

Rusty:
THAT WILL SOFTEN IT UP
FOR THE FRYING PAN.

LET'S SEE, WE'LL NEED
CREAM FOR THE COFFEE.

[BREAKING ICE]

YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU
NEED IS A WOMAN
AROUND THE HOUSE.

MAYBE I CAN DO
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

OH, LOOK!

GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO HAVE
OUR COFFEE BLACK.

CREAM WE'VE GOT,
CREAM YOU'LL GET.

WHAT WILL YOU HAVE,
ONE OR TWO SLICES?

I'LL TAKE
TWO SLICES.

OK.

THANK YOU.

I'LL ONLY TAKE ONE.
I'M ON A DIET.

I'LL KEEP MY EYES OPEN.
MAYBE I CAN FIND
A NICE GIRL FOR YOU.

OH. I'LL GET
THE BREAD, AND YOU
DIG UP SOME BUTTER.

YEAH. DIG IS RIGHT.

OOH!

MY GOODNESS.

THERE'S YOUR BUTTER.

HEY, POP! HOLD IT!

STAY RIGHT HERE, POP.
I'M GOING OVER TO TALK TO
MISS CORLANE A MINUTE.

OH, WELL, GIVE HER
MY REGARDS.

OK, POP.

MISS CORLANE.
HIYA, BOSS.

GEE, IT'S ALL SO BIG
AND SO WONDERFUL,

I HARDLY KNOW
WHAT TO DO FIRST.

WELL, DO WHAT YOU
WANT TO DO, RUSTY.

OH?

I THINK YOU BETTER
START BY PHOTOGRAPHING
THE MAYOR'S SPEECH.

NOW, HERE'S AN EXAMPLE.

SUPPOSING THE BANK
THOUGHT THAT SOME OF
THE LUMBER WE USED

WAS GREEN
AND UNSEASONED.

JUST FOR THE SAKE
OF ARGUMENT,
MAKING NO PROMISES,

PUT THAT INTO WORDS.

WELL, YOU CAN GET YOURSELF
$10,000 CASH BY HAVING YOUR
REPORT SHOW GREEN LUMBER,

BAD CONCRETE, ANYTHING
THAT WILL DELAY THE BANK
FROM MAKING THE FINAL LOAN.

10,000?

10 AND 10 MORE WHEN MISS
CORLANE LOSES THIS PLACE
TO SOME FRIENDS OF MINE.

I CAN'T SAY YOU DIDN'T
PUT IT INTO WORDS.

I'LL PUT IT INTO MONEY
ANY TIME YOU SAY.

NO TIME LIKE
THIS AFTERNOON.

POP, DRIVE OVER
TO THE PLATFORM.

HEY, POP, DID YOU TURN
ON THE CAMERA?

NO, I DIDN'T, SON.

I GUESS I MUST
HAVE TURNED IT ON.

OK.

IT ALWAYS GIVES ME
GREAT PLEASURE TO OFFICIATE
AT A MEETING OF THIS KIND.

IT IS REALLY
WONDERFUL TO LOOK AROUND
AND SEE SO MANY FAIR FACES.

RIGHT HERE, POP!

IT'S--

POP, PULL FORWARD!

AS THE FIRST ITEM
ON THE PROGRAM,

IT IS MY PRIVILEGE
TO PRESENT THE WINNER

OF THE HALE BEAUTY CONTEST,
MISS LUCKY VISTA HERSELF!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

HAVING BEEN CHOSEN THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE CITY
BY OVER 5,000 FOLK,

I WISH TO THANK EVERYBODY,
INCLUDING MY MOTHER
AND FATHER.

[APPLAUSE]

OH, YES.

AND I HEREBY OFFICIALLY
PRESENT THIS SILVER SHOVEL
TO MRS. HUGH SHANWAY,

THE BEAUTIFUL WIFE
OF OUR BANK INSPECTOR.

OH, AND THANK YOU AGAIN
FOR YOUR VOTES.

YOU CAN FIND ME EVERY EVENING
AT THE ROSEWOOD DANCE HALL,
WHERE I'M HOSTESS.

WOW!

HIYA, SAILOR.

IT IS MY PRIVILEGE TO TURN
THE FIRST SPADEFUL OF EARTH OF
THE SECOND UNIT OF LUCKY VISTA.

LUCIA, WHY DON'T YOU
SELL OUT SO I CAN GET
SOME SLEEP?

YOU BETTER START TAKING
SLEEPING TABLETS

BECAUSE I'M GOING
TO FINISH THIS PROJECT
MYSELF.

IN HONORED MEMORY
OF THAT ESTIMABLE,
THAT FORESIGHTED,

THAT PUBLIC-SPIRITED
INDUSTRIALIST,

THE LATE, LAMENTED
CORNELIUS SCHUYLER CORLANE,

WHOSE LIFELONG DREAM WAS
THE COMPLETION OF THIS PROJECT.

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

I HEREBY DEDICATE
THIS CEREMONIAL MOMENT

TO MR. CORLANE'S DAUGHTER,
WHO WILL CARRY ON THE WORK.

MISS LUCIA CORLANE!

[APPLAUSE]

Lucia: THANK YOU,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THEY TOLD ME THAT A GIRL
COULDN'T CARRY ON THIS PROJECT.

THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR.

WE'RE HAVING
A BIG TURKEY RAFFLE AT 4:00.

I HOPE YOU WILL
ALL PARTICIPATE.

TURKEYS ARE COURTESY OF
THE LENARD-VULTY TURKEY RANCH.

OH, AND HERE THEY COME NOW!

RUSTY, I PROMISED
THE TURKEY PEOPLE WE'D TAKE
PICTURES OF THEIR TRUCK.

WILL YOU TAKE
MISS LUCKY VISTA WITH YOU?

RIGHT ON THE JOB,
MISS CORLANE.

HEY, MISS LUCKY VISTA,
GET IN THE CAR.

HEY, POP, FOLLOW
THAT TURKEY TRUCK!

Rusty:
HEY, POP, BACK UP!

[TURKEYS GOBBLING]

HEY, MISS LUCKY VISTA,

GET OVER THERE WITH
THE TURKEYS, AND I'LL
TAKE YOUR PICTURE.

POP, MOVE FORWARD.

HEY, POP! COME BACK!

HEY, POP!

WHAT IS IT, SON?

QUARTER AFTER 7:00.
IS THAT FILM READY?

I JUST FINISHED
FIXING IT.

THERE YOU ARE,
MY BOY.

IS IT ANY GOOD?

I FIXED IT MYSELF.

WERE YOU CAREFUL
WITH THAT SOUNDTRACK?

NOW, DON'T WORRY, SON.
I TOLD YOU, I FIXED IT.

WELL, WISH ME LUCK, POP.
I SEE HER IN 10 MINUTES.

OH?

YOU GOING TO HER HOUSE?

YES, SIR.

YOU GOING EMPTY-HANDED?

WHY, YES, SIR.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WELL, REMEMBER
GRANDFATHER'S POEM?

WHICH ONE?

HE WHO CALLS WITHOUT
A PRESENT MAY GET IN,

BUT IT WON'T BE
PLEASANT.

WELL, UH, WHAT DO YOU
THINK I OUGHT TO TAKE?

MANY A MAN HAS PARLAYED
A BOX OF CHOCOLATES INTO
A WIFE AND 4 CHILDREN.

IS THIS
MISS CORLANE'S HOUSE?

YES, SIR.

WELL, I'M MR. CAMMERON.
SHE'S EXPECTING ME.

PLEASE COME IN.

OH, UH, I WON'T
NEED A CHECK, WILL I?

GOOD EVENING, RUSTY.

OH, GOOD EVENING.

SAY, IT WAS NICE OF
MR. FARNS TO ARRANGE
TO SHOW THE PICTURE.

YOU SEEM NERVOUS.

WELL, I'M IN
A LOT OF TROUBLE.

WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE?

WELL, WHEN A FELLOW
CALLS ON HIS GIRL--

THAT IS, A GIRL--
FOR THE FIRST TIME,

WELL, HE KNOWS 8:00
IS THE RIGHT TIME
TO GET THERE.

WELL, HERE'S HIS TROUBLE.
SHOULD THE GUY SHOW UP
EXACTLY AT 8:00

TO PROVE TO THE GIRL
THAT HE'S RELIABLE
AND STEADY,

OR SHOULD HE SHOW UP
MAYBE AT 8:30

AND SHOW HER THAT HE'S
CAREFREE AND NONCHALANT?

WHAT TIME IS IT NOW,?

HALF PAST 7:00.

SHALL WE GO IN?

THIS IS
MR. CAMMERON.

GOOD EVENING,
EVERYBODY.

GOOD EVENING.

MR. FARNS, WHO DO I
GIVE THE FILM TO?

TO THE OPERATOR.

OH. EXCUSE ME.

Miss Lucky Vista:
SAY, HOW'D MY
PICTURES TURN OUT?

YOU'LL SEE FOR YOURSELF
IN A MINUTE.

OH, GOOD!

HERE'S THE FILM.

OK, THANKS.

OH, MISS CORLANE--

OH, PARDON ME.

MISS CORLANE,
I HAPPEN TO HAVE
A BOX OF CANDY FOR YOU.

OH, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.

OH!
OH!

IS HE ALL RIGHT?

ARE YOU HURT?

NO. I'M OK.

THAT'S A SILLY PLACE
TO PUT FURNITURE.

I'M SORRY.

NOW, IF YOU'LL ALL
SIT DOWN,

WE'LL GET STARTED
RIGHT AWAY.

Lucia: MR. SHANWAY,
YOU AND YOUR WIFE
SIT UP FRONT.

ALL RIGHT,
GO AHEAD.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THEY TOLD ME...

PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

YES.

[MAN ON FILM
SPEAKING BACKWARDS]

HEY, BUDDY,
IT'S BACKWARDS.

YOU'RE RUNNING
IT BACKWARDS.

I AM NOT!

THAT'S THE WAY
YOU MUST HAVE
PUT IT TOGETHER.

WELL, I DIDN'T.
YOU'VE GOT--

OH, I'M SORRY.

THAT'S MUCH BETTER.

I DON'T REMEMBER
DOING THAT.

HEY, STOP THE FILM.
IT'S ALL MIXED UP.

OH, LET IT GO.
I THINK
IT'S VERY FUNNY.

YOU DO? WELL,
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE.

WELL, THAT'S THE WAY
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

I'M SORRY.
IT DIDN'T...

IT IS MY PRIVILEGE
TO TURN THE FIRST
SPADEFUL OF EARTH

OF THE SECOND UNIT
OF LUCKY VISTA.

THAT'S MY SPEECH!

THAT HORRIBLE TURKEY
IS MAKING MY SPEECH!

WELL, MRS. SHANWAY,
IT'S NOT THE FILM'S FAULT.

IT'S--IT'S
THAT PROJECTOR.

NOTHING WRONG
WITH MY PROJECTOR.

THERE MUST BE.
WE DIDN'T SHOOT
ANYTHING LIKE--

IN HONORED MEMORY
OF THAT ESTIMABLE,
THAT FORESIGHTED,

THAT PUBLIC-SPIRITED
INDUSTRIALIST,

THE LATE LAMENTED
CORNELIUS--

[TURKEY GOBBLING]

OH!

THAT'S THE MOST
HUMILIATING THING
I'VE EVER SEEN.

YOU STOP THIS
PICTURE AT ONCE!

ME? I DIDN'T
HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH IT!

WAIT A MINUTE,
FOLKS. I THINK I
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

THAT'S ME!

OH! THAT'S ME!

OH, MR. CAMMERON,
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL
PICTURE!

BUT YOU CAN'T SEE
MY EYES.

NOW,
THERE'S AN EXAMPLE.

[GARBLED SPEECH]

MR. FARNS, WE WERE
BEING PHOTOGRAPHED.

YES, AND IT'S
A GOOD THING

THEY CAN'T HEAR
WHAT WE WERE SAYING.

I WAS TELLING YOU
THAT STORY ABOUT
THE 3 SAILORS, REMEMBER?

OH, YEAH,
THE 3 SAILORS.

HEY, I KNOW
WHAT'S THE MATTER.

THE SOUNDTRACK'S
IN BACKWARDS.

I CAN FIX THAT.

WELL, I--

[TURKEYS GOBBLING]

Miss Lucky Vista:
OH! THERE I AM AGAIN!

BUT YOU STILL CAN'T
SEE MY EYES.

OH, WHY, MR. SHANWAY,

I HAD NO IDEA
YOU WERE SO STRONG.

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED
IF YOU WEREN'T

THE PRETTIEST GIRL
I EVER SAW.

YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THAT.
YOU'RE A MARRIED MAN.

LET'S FORGET ABOUT
THE OLD BATTLE-AX.

OH! OH!

PLEASE
TURN IT OFF.

HUGH SHANWAY!
YOU WORM! YOU VIPER!

BUT, HONEY,
IT--

OLD BATTLE-AX, HUH?
YOU KNOW VERY WELL
I'M ONLY 29.

HONEY,
USE SOME SENSE.

THAT FILM'S
ALL MIXED UP.

YOU KNOW YOU DIDN'T
TALK LIKE A TURKEY
TO THOSE PEOPLE.

YOU DIDN'T TALK
LIKE A MARRIED MAN
TO THAT SKIN TOMATO.

OH, HONEY, THAT DIALOGUE
WAS FROM ANOTHER SCENE.

AND AS FOR YOU. TRYING TO STEAL
MY HUSBAND!

I OUGHT TO HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR
PETTY LARCENY.

WELL, BUT...

I DON'T KNOW WHY
SHE'S SO JEALOUS OF ME.

I'M NOT JEALOUS OF HER.

WELL, YOUNG FELLA,
YOU FIXED EVERYTHING
AND EVERYBODY GOOD.

I'M AFRAID OUR YOUNG
FRIEND BIT OFF MORE
THAN HE CAN CHEW.

UH, EXCUSE ME.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH THAT FILM.

IT JUST GOT
ALL GUMMED UP.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
I'LL DO FOR YOU.

GIVE ME THE FILM.
I'LL GET IT
STRAIGHTENED OUT.

Shanway: THERE YOU ARE,
RUSTY. WHAT COULD BE
FAIRER THAN THAT?

WELL, I'D LIKE
TO DO IT MYSELF,
IF YOU DON'T MIND.

WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE IT TO THEM,
RUSTY?

SURE, RUSTY.
WE'RE ALL ON
YOUR SIDE.

BY TOMORROW,
YOU WON'T KNOW
THAT FILM.

MISS CORLANE,
YOU'RE THE BOSS.

IF YOU TELL ME
TO GIVE THE FILM
TO MR. FARNS,

I WILL, BUT...

WELL, I'D LIKE
TO PROVE THAT I CAN
DO ONE THING RIGHT.

PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, RUSTY.

YOU TAKE CARE OF IT
AND CALL ME WHEN
YOU'VE GOT IT FIXED.

THANKS,
MISS CORLANE.

I'LL PROVE THAT I
KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND,
DON'T YOU?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I JUST ACT DUMB

'CAUSE I FOUND OUT
MOST MEN DON'T LIKE
SMART GIRLS.

SWELL. WELL, YOU GET
THE FILM FROM CAMMERON,

BRING IT TO ME,
AND YOU GET A BEAUTIFUL
DIAMOND BRACELET.

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH YOUR EYES
IN THAT SHOT, LADY.

OH, I KNEW
THAT WOULD BE GOOD.

SAY, WHERE'S THAT SHOT
WHERE MISS LUCKY VISTA WAS...

THERE IT IS.

GETTING THOSE
GRIPPING PAINS AGAIN.

HERE!

GET OUT OF HERE!

POOR LITTLE ME.

ALWAYS INTERRUPTING
SOME BUSY MAN.

LOOK, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I CAME TO GET SOME
PUBLICITY PICTURES TAKEN.

WELL, WE'RE CLOSED
FOR THE NIGHT.

LOOK,
YOU'RE A NICE GIRL,

BUT PLEASE TAKE
YOUR BUSINESS
SOMEWHERE ELSE.

YOU MAKE ME NERVOUS.

COME ON. OUTSIDE.

COME ON. GO HOME.

HERE.
GET OUT OF HERE!

TAKE YOUR LITTLE CAMERA
AND I'M YOURS TO COMMAND.

NOW, LOOK,
YOU CAN'T STAY HERE.

WHY NOT?

WELL, BECAUSE YOU'RE
YOUNG AND I'M YOUNG,

AND YOUTH CALLS TO
YOUTH AND...

WELL, I'M AFRAID
TO LISTEN.

CALL ME DUCKY,
LOVER-POO.

OK, DUCKY,
WADDLE OUT OF HERE.

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T STAY.
IT'S NOT NICE.

IT'LL GET NICER...
LOVER-POO.

HUH?

I SAW THE WAY YOU LOOKED
AT ME THIS AFTERNOON.

THE INVITATION
IN YOUR EYES.

THE WAY YOU
WINKED AT ME.

I WINKED?

WELL, THAT'S A BIG--

I DID NOT.

YOU MUSTN'T RESIST ME,
LOVER-POO.

AW, YOU CAN'T
RESIST ME.

WELL, I GOT TO
RESIST YOU.

YOU NEED A WOMAN...
A WOMAN LIKE ME...

WARM, TENDER,
AFFECTIONATE...WEAK,

A WOMAN TO
ADORE YOU...

TO TAKE CARE
OF YOU...

WAIT A MINUTE!

I'M WISE TO
YOUR LITTLE GAME.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO,
AND I KNOW WHO SENT YOU.

YOU DO?

YEAH. SHE THREATENED
TO DO THIS.

WELL, YOU
GET THIS STRAIGHT.

NOBODY'S GOING TO
PICK OUT A WIFE FOR ME.

AW, OF COURSE NOT,
LOVER-POO.

IMAGINE HER SAYING
I NEED A WOMAN LIKE
YOU FOR MY WIFE.

I KNOW WHAT I NEED.

AND IT'S NOT
A SCALP TREATMENT.

PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME.

WILL YOU DO SOMETHING
FOR ME FIRST?

ANYTHING.

GET OFF MY FOOT.

AND I AIN'T
GONNA MARRY YOU.

NOW, GET OUT.

DARLING...

DON'T BE MEAN TO ME.

I NEED YOU,
AND YOU NEED ME.

I NEED YOU LIKE I NEED
A HOLE IN THE HEAD.

KISS ME.

KISS ME!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH
A HOLE IN THE HEAD?

Woman: EXCUSE ME.

WE'RE CLOSED.

OH, MISS CORLANE!

THE DOOR WAS OPEN
SO I CAME IN.

OH, YOU'RE
NOT INTERRUPTING
ANYTHING

BECAUSE I'M NOT
GOING TO MARRY
THIS GIRL.

THAT'S BETWEEN YOU
AND YOUR CONSCIENCE.

THE ONLY REASON I CAME HERE
IS BECAUSE I THOUGHT

THE FILM WASN'T
YOUR FAULT.

IT WASN'T MY
FAULT. HONESTLY.
I CAN PROVE IT.

I'M NO LONGER
INTERESTED.

WELL, WAIT...

I WON'T LET YOU GO.

YOU'RE GOING TO STAY
UNTIL I PROVE
I'M NOT A SCREWBALL.

I WON'T LET YOU GO.

DROP IN AND
SEE US ANYTIME.

THANK YOU,
I WILL.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

I'M SO BEAUTIFUL,
AND EVERYBODY'S
ALWAYS SLUGGING ME.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[WOMAN GASPING]

[WHISTLES]

Rusty: GRANDPA!

WHAT WAS
THAT SCREAM?

ECSTASY, MY BOY,
SHEER ECSTASY.

WARMED MYSELF,
AND WHY SHOULDN'T I?

LET THE LADIES BEWARE,
LET THE MUSIC BEGIN,

THERE'S MANY A GOOD TUNE
IN AN OLD VIOLIN.

HOW ARE YOU,
SON?

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE,
FATHER.

RUSTY'S GOT A PROBLEM.

OH? WELL,
SPEAK FREELY,
MY BOY.

YOU'RE AMONGST
A FRIEND.

UH, NOT TOO FREELY.

HE'S AT THE AGE WHERE
HE PICKS THINGS UP.

WELL, IT'S A TERRIBLE
PROBLEM, GRANDPA,

AND SHE'S SUCH
A WONDERFUL GIRL.

OH, A DAME, HUH?
YOU GOT NO PROBLEM.

[LAUGHING]

SO YOU
GOT A GIRL, HUH?

WELL--JUNIOR, YOU BETTER
GET BACK TO BED.

THERE'S GONNA BE
A LOT OF BOY TALK
FLOATING AROUND HERE.

NOW, YOU TAKE
IT EASY, POP.

I'VE MET
MISS CORLANE,

AND SHE'S A VERY
SWEET GIRL.

ALL GIRLS ARE SWEET.

NOW, UH, GET LOST.
GO CHEAT YOURSELF
AT SOLITAIRE.

CAN'T I STAY UP?

YOU HEARD ME!

MY GOODNESS, GRANDPA.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU'VE CHANGED.

I HAD TO. FOR YEARS
I SAT AROUND

IN A ROCKING CHAIR
AND CARPET SLIPPERS

WHILE THE REST OF
THE WORLD WENT ON
WITHOUT ME.

YOU LOOK
YOUNGER THAN POP.

SURE I DO NOW.

I'VE GONE MODERN,
UP-TO-DATE,

TURNED OVER
A NEW PAGE, RUSTY,

AND IT'S
MIGHTY NICE READING.

I NEVER WOULD HAVE
BELIEVED IT.

WELL, NEVER MIND
ABOUT ME.

TELL ME ABOUT
YOUR TROUBLES,

YOU POOR,
FOOLISH-LOOKING,

BROKEN-HEARTED
CREATURE.

WELL, GRANDPA,
IT'S TERRIBLE.

EVERYTHING'S GONE WRONG
SINCE OUR FIRST MEETING.

SHE SAVED MY LIFE
INSTEAD OF ME SAVING HERS.

SHE PRACTICALLY
SUPPORTS OUR BUSINESS.

NOW, HOW CAN I EVER
HOPE TO GET ANYWHERE
WITH A GIRL LIKE THAT?

NOW, YOU LISTEN
CAREFULLY TO ME, RUSTY.

I'M GOING TO TELL
YOU ABOUT THE NEW
FACTS OF LIFE.

FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS,

WOMEN HAVE BEEN
DELICATE, SHELTERED
CREATURES,

COVERED FROM STEM
TO STERN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THEN CAME
THE NEW ERA.

AND THE FRENCH
BATHING SUIT,

THE AVERAGE WOMAN
HAS TO PUT SOMETHING ON
TO TAKE A BATH.

THINGS CERTAINLY
HAVE CHANGED.

YES, SIR,
THEY CERTAINLY HAVE.

WHY, A FELLA USED TO
SEE HIS GIRL

IN THE MOONLIGHT
LOOKING AT ROSES.

NOW WHEN YOU SEE A GIRL
IN THE MOONLIGHT,

SHE'S PLAYING FIRST BASE
FOR A SOFTBALL TEAM.

I DON'T FOLLOW YOU.

MY BOY, YOU'RE REALLY
IN TROUBLE.

LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHO RENTS THESE
CLARK GABLE AND
ROBERT TAYLOR FILMS?

MOSTLY WOMEN.

AAH! MAGNETISM,
MY BOY. MAGNETISM!

THE FEMALE WOMAN
IS MAGNETICALLY DRAWN
TO THE MALE MAN.

DO YOU GET IT?

GRANDPA,
I CAN'T TELL A LIE.
I'M ALL MIXED UP.

MY BOY, THIS CALLS
FOR A PRACTICAL
DEMONSTRATION.

WHERE'S THE PROJECTOR?

WHY?

I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU
HOW TO PROJECT.

Woman: HE NEVER HAD A DOG
WHEN HE WAS A BOY.

HEY, GRANDPA--

SHHH!

PAY ATTENTION.

I DON'T WORRY
ABOUT WHAT I MISSED
WHEN I WAS A KID.

I'M GETTING
ALL THOSE THINGS NOW.

HOLD ONTO YOUR HAT,
RUSTY, HERE WE GO!

DARLING,
WHERE DO WE GET OFF?

WHAT'S TO BECOME OF US?

OH, NOW, DON'T
TURN ORDINARY ON ME.

I GET TIRED
OF ORDINARY DAMES.

Taylor: AND I DON'T EVER
WANT TO GET TIRED OF YOU.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO TURN
ORDINARY ON YOU, JOHNNY.

IT WAS JUST
AN APPROACH TO GET YOU
TO SAY YOU LOVED ME.

HE'S LIGHTING
THE FUSE RIGHT NOW.

LISTEN, ANYTIME YOU START
DOUBTING I LOVE YOU,

JUST TOTE UP THE SCORE.

THIS TOWN'S FULL OF WOMEN,
AND I HAVE TO PICK THE MOST
DANGEROUS ONE IN TOWN,

THE ONE WOMAN MOST LIKELY
TO UPSET MY APPLE CART.

NO, THIS TIME IT MIGHT NOT
BE THE WOMAN WHO PAYS.

I MIGHT WIND UP
BACK IN A CELL.

JOHNNY.

RUSTY, WE'RE NOW COMING
TO YOUR SPECIAL PROBLEM.

YOU GOT TO BEAT IT.
WILL YOU BEAT IT?

NO, JOHNNY!
I'M STAYING HERE
WITH YOU

BECAUSE I KNOW
YOU'RE LYING TO ME!

THIS TIME I KNOW
BECAUSE YOU
CAN'T LOOK AT M--

I COULDN'T DO THAT.

THAT'S ENOUGH
OF THAT ONE.

TAKE IT OFF. PUT ON
THAT CLARK GABLE FILM.

BOOM TOWN.

PAY PARTICULAR ATTENTION
WHEN HE LOWERS THE BOOM.

[LAUGHING]

WELL, THANK YOU.
IT'S BEEN AWFULLY NICE.

I'LL SEE YOU
SOME MORE, WON'T I?

NO, I'M AFRAID NOT.

I JUST REALIZED I
HAVE TO TAKE THE BUS
IN THE MORNING.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THERE ANOTHER GUY?

YES.

YOU LOVE HIM, HUH?

NO, NOT TH--

NOT THAT WAY, BUT...

THEN WHAT ARE YOU
LEAVING FOR?

BECAUSE...

GOOD-BYE.

Rusty:
HEY, GRANDPA.
SHE LEFT HIM!

SHE AIN'T COMING BACK.

HE AIN'T
TOLD HER TO YET.

COME DOWN HERE.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT?

HE MADE UP HIS MIND
SHE WAS COMING BACK,
AND SHE DID.

I MAKE UP MY MIND QUICK.

I MADE IT UP WHEN
I FIRST SAW YOU, I GUESS.

YOU AREN'T EVER
GOING TO LEAVE.

YOU WATCH THE PICTURE
50 TIMES, SHE ALWAYS
DOES THAT.

YOU'RE NOT
GETTING AWAY FROM ME.

YOU KNOW THAT,
DON'T YOU?

WHAT?

I'M NOT BLAMING YOU,
BABY.

BUT YOU AREN'T
WALKING OUT WITH HIM

OR ANYBODY ELSE.
UNDERSTAND?

YOU'RE MY GIRL, SEE,
AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE.

EVEN IF I HAVE TO
LICK YOU TO PROVE IT.

WHY, HE'LL NEVER
GET AWAY WITH THAT.

GET AWAY WITH IT?
SHE'LL INVITE HIM
TO SLAP HER.

I'M YOUR GIRL.

YOU CAN LICK ME
IF IT'LL HELP.

I'LL SAVE IT
FOR WHEN YOU NEED IT.

Rusty: GRANDPA,
I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF
TO SLAP A WOMAN.

IN YOUR CASE,
IT'S A NECESSITY.

WELL, SUPPOSING
THEY DON'T GO FOR IT?

YOU'VE GOT
TO ASSERT YOUR
MASCULINE DOMINANCE.

IF SHE TAKES IT,
THAT'S LOVE.

WELL, WHAT IF SHE
SLAPS BACK?

THAT, MY BOY,
IS MARRIAGE.

Woman: YOO-HOO!

I'M NOT LATE,
AM I, HONEY?

I RAN ALL THE WAY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
SUGAR LOAF.

YOU WERE A HALF-HOUR EARLY
THE LAST TIME.

OH, YOU'RE
SO GOOD TO ME.

YES.

[AHEM]

DON'T RUSH ME,
DON'T RUSH ME.

UH, SHALL WE?

OH, UH, JUNIOR,

DON'T WAIT UP ON ME.

YOU'RE MY GIRL
AND ALWAYS WILL BE, SEE?

EVEN IF I HAVE TO
SLUG YOU TO PROVE IT.

HEY.

RUSTY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I CAME HERE
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

NOW, LOOK, BABY,
YOU'RE MY GIRL, SEE?

AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE,
EVEN IF I GOT TO
LICK YOU TO PROVE IT.

RUSTY, PLEASE!

WELL, GO AHEAD,
LICK ME IF IT WILL HELP.

OH, THAT'S YOUR LINE.

WAIT A MINUTE.
DO YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT?

AW, DON'T TURN
ORDINARY ON ME.

I'M TIRED OF
ORDINARY DAMES.

RUSTY,
WILL YOU STOP?!

ALL THE WOMEN
IN THIS TOWN

NOW, LOOK, BABY--

PLEASE!

OH, NO!

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU FELL OVERBOARD
AGAIN.

WELL, DON'T TELL ME
SHE DID IT AGAIN?

YEAH.

GETTING SO A GUY
CAN'T FALL OVERBOARD

THAT SHE DOESN'T DIVE IN
AND SAVE HIS LIFE.

WHERE IS SHE?

SHE TOLD ME TO TELL
YOU THAT SHE'S GONE
TO SOUTH AMERICA.

SOUTH AMERICA?

YEAH.

BOY, WHAT A SWIMMER.

IT'S NOT HERE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

NO. NOT A TRACE OF IT.

A FINE THIEF
YOU ARE.

YOU BROUGHT
ALL THE WRONG FILM.

LOOK, I COPPED
EVERY FOOT OF FILM
IN THAT STORE.

THIS WASN'T
MY FIRST JOB,
YOU KNOW, PAL.

ALL RIGHT,
GET OUT.

WHAT DO WE
DO NOW?

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA
SPEND 10 YEARS IN JAIL.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WE'RE GOING TO FIND
CAMMERON.

IF THE FILM
WASN'T IN THE STORE,
HE MUST HAVE IT ON HIM.

YEAH, BUT HOW
ARE YOU GONNA GET IT?

ANY WAY WE CAN,
BUT WE ARE GONNA GET IT.

HELLO. IS THAT YOU,
MISS CORLANE?

I'VE GOT TO SHOW YOU
THIS FILM RIGHT AWAY.

I'VE GOT IT ALL
STRAIGHTENED OUT,

AND I CAN PROVE
THAT YOUR MANAGER
MR. FARNS IS A CROOK.

OH, THANK YOU.
I'LL BE OVER AS FAST
AS I CAN MAKE IT.

MORNING.

WHERE'S
MISS CORLANE'S OFFICE?

LAST BUILDING
ON YOUR RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

COME IN.

WHAT'S THAT YOU
SAY ABOUT FARNS
BEING A CROOK?

I CAN PROVE IT.
COME HERE.

WHAT YOU SAID ON THE PHONE
IS VERY INTERESTING

BECAUSE I WAS BEGINNING
TO GET SUSPICIOUS.

HE WAS TALKING
VERY STRANGELY LAST NIGHT.

WELL, THE PROOF'S
RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT HERE
ON THIS FILM.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT.

YOU CAN GET YOURSELF
$10,000 CASH

BY HAVING YOUR REPORTS
SHOW GREEN LUMBER
OR BAD CONCRETE...

ANYTHING THAT WILL
MAKE THE BANK DELAY ITS
MAKING THE FINAL LOAN.

10,000?

10, AND 10 MORE

WHEN MISS CORLANE
LOSES THIS PLACE TO
SOME FRIENDS OF MINE.

THERE. THAT'S WHY FARNS
WANTS THE FILM.

JUST WAIT
UNTIL I TAKE THIS TO
THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY.

I'M SORRY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

OH...

HELLO, MR. FARNS.

Rusty: IT WAS NICE
OF YOU TO DROP IN.

NOW, UH, MISS CORLANE,
ABOUT THIS PROJECTOR,

IT'S CONSIDERED
ONE OF THE BEST
ON THE MARKET,

AND SELLS FOR $208
AND HAS A BUILT-IN--

OH, THAT REMINDS ME,
RUSTY.

WHERE'S THAT PIECE OF FILM
WHERE I TELL THE STORY
ABOUT THE TWO SAILORS?

OH, THAT'S BACK
AT THE STORE.

I'D LIKE TO
SEE THAT, TOO.

OH, ANYTIME.
HOW ABOUT
TOMORROW?

YOU'LL BOTH HAVE
A CHANCE TO SEE
IT AT THE TRIAL.

OH, NOW, THAT
MAKES EVERYTHING
VERY CLEAR.

YES, IT DOES.

SHANWAY,
SUPPOSE YOU TAKE
MISS CORLANE UPSTAIRS

AND KEEP HER THERE
UNTIL I GET BACK
FROM RUSTY'S STORE.

WELL, WHEN THAT FILM
GOES UP IN SMOKE,

IT'LL BE JUST YOUR WORD
AGAINST OURS.

WELL...

GO AHEAD.

THANK YOU.

GO AHEAD.

YES, SIR.

MY CAR IS
RIGHT OUTSIDE.

YOU'LL DRIVE.

HEY!

WHAT--HEY!

[BOAT ENGINE SPUTTERING]

YOU FEEL BETTER
AFTER YOUR BATH?

YEAH.

NOW, COME ON.
WE'RE WASTING TIME.

NO SMART TRICKS.
THERE'S STILL
A BULLET LEFT.

ALL RIGHT,
STICK 'EM UP.

DON'T MOVE.
DON'T COME NEAR ME.

OH, RUSTY!

SORRY I'VE ONLY
GOT ONE BULLET.

IF I HAD TWO,
I COULD SHOOT YOU TWICE.

AND I'D DO IT, TOO.
I'M A CRACK SHOT.

WATCH.

OH, THAT WAS
MY LAST BULLET!

OH!

HURRY!
GET ON THE PHONE!

CALL THE POLICE!

Shanway: FARNS,
WHERE ARE YOU?

HERE.

THE PHONE!
GET THE PHONE!

RUSTY!
THE PHONE IS DEAD!

OH, NO.

COME HERE! HELP ME!

HEY, MAYBE WE CAN
GET OUT THE WINDOW.

WE'RE ONLY ON
THE SECOND FLOOR.

HEY, THERE'S
A CAR OUT HERE.

THERE CAN'T BE.
THIS IS THE SECOND FLOOR.

MAYBE IT'S
A SECOND-HAND CAR.

COME ON. OH!

COME ON.
WE'LL GET THEM.

WHICH WAY IS
THE NEAREST
POLICE STATION?

THAT WAY.

THEY MUST HAVE TAKEN
THE LOWER ROAD.

CAN'T THIS THING
GO ANY FASTER?

LOOK!

OH, THEY'RE CHASING US
IN YOUR CAR.

HERE. YOU DRIVE.
I'LL STOP THEM.

THEY CAN RUN
RINGS AROUND US
ON THE STRAIGHTAWAY.

DON'T FORGET
FARNS HAS THAT GUN.

YEAH, WELL,
HOLD ON TIGHT.

I'M GONNA MAKE
THE NEXT TURN.

THERE MUST BE
A REAR ENTRANCE
TO THIS PLACE.

COME ON, HURRY UP!

HURRY UP,
THEY'LL GET AWAY.

LOOK!

THAT SHOULD STOP THEM.

THAT TAKES CARE
OF MR. FARNS.

WE'VE LOST THEM.

GOOD. NOW, WHICH WAY
IS THE POLICE STATION?

THAT WAY.

RUSTY! THERE THEY ARE!

OOH!

HEY!

HEY!

NO.

LET'S FOLLOW
THE RIVER ROAD.

[MAN YELLING]

SAY, THERE'S
SOMEONE FOLLOWING US.

WELL, THAT'S A SILLY
WAY TO GO FISHING.

RUSTY, LOOK!

AH, JUST--

HEY, GET AWAY!
GET AWAY!

HEY!

OH, I'M SORRY.

HERE, GRAB AHOLD OF
THE STEERING WHEEL

WHILE I GET RID
OF THAT BRANCH.

Rusty: OW!

HEY, COME BACK HERE!

COME HERE!

HURRY UP, RUSTY,
WE'VE GOT--

LUCIA!

GET BACK HERE!

I'LL SHOOT THEIR TIRES.
THAT'LL STOP THEM.

SAVE YOUR SHOTS.
WE'LL CATCH THEM
ON THE NEXT TURN.

LOOK, RUSTY!

HMM?

OH!

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

LOOK, I MAKE UP
MY MIND IN A HURRY.

YOU'RE NEVER
GONNA LEAVE ME.

WE'RE GONNA GET
MARRIED AS SOON AS WE
GET OUT OF THIS MESS.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

OF COURSE I DO.
ANYTHING YOU SAY, CLARK.

I-I MEAN RUSTY.

WELL, THEN SLIDE
OVER HERE AND
GIVE ME A KISS.

GEE, GRANDPA AND
CLARK GABLE WOULD BE
MIGHTY PROUD OF ME.

[TRUCK HORN HONKING]

OH!

FASTER! FASTER!

NO. I'LL GO SLOWER.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

Farns: STOP,
OR I'LL SHOOT.

YOU DO, AND WE'LL
ALL BE KILLED.

HEY, WHICH WAY'S
THE POLICE STATION?

WHAT DID HE SAY?

I DIDN'T HEAR HIM,

BUT IT MUST BE
UP THIS WAY.

HEY, TRY
GETTING UP THERE.

HEY!

HEY, FELLAS!

HEY! WHERE'S
THE POLICE STATION?

GO STRAIGHT AHEAD
TO THE NEXT STOPLIGHT
AND TURN RIGHT.

THANKS.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

OFFICERS, DON'T LET
THESE TWO MEN GET AWAY!

OK, MISS.

OH, OFFICER,
I WANT THOSE TWO
MEN ARRESTED.

THEY'RE GUILTY,
AND WE'VE GOT THE
FILM TO PROVE IT.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE,
YOUNG LADY.

IF I HADN'T OF
STRAIGHTENED OUT
THAT SOUNDTRACK,

WE'D NEVER
HAVE KNOWN WHAT
HAPPENED.

WHAT SOUNDTRACK
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?