Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Shawn, Shawn, this party is great, man.

I just got Marissa's autograph.

Now I'mma go find Brandy and I'mma get hers, too.

Oh, my God. Shawn, oh, my God! You-you know who that is?

- You know who that is? - What?

Shawn, that's Rico Davinci, man.

That's my favorite actor.

So? Go talk to him, man.

- Stop actin' like a girl. - Alright.

Ric-o-o, you're my friend.

[laughs]

Wassup, man? Yo, Rico, I just wanna tell you, man.

You're one of my favorite actors. I got all your movies.

Even your after-school special you did.

You know, "The Day Coach Touched Me."

You were real good in that, man.

- 'Thanks.' - Believable, like you liked it.

You know, there's nothing like reminiscing with a nobody.

[laughs]

Hey, wait a minute, man, that's the black guy

of "Everybody Loves Everybody."

That's right. That's me.

Marlon Williams as, uh

Lucius.

Let me hook you up, homie.

Hey, man. Hey, I love that show.

Hey, why don't you come with us into the bathroom?

Hey, uh, whoa, Jack, I ain't that big of a fan.

I mean, we're gonna smoke weed.

Hey, but if you ain't down with us, uh

that's your loss.

[laughs]

No, no, wait up, yo! Of course I'm down!

[theme song]

♪ We're brothers ♪

♪ We're happy and we're singin' and we're colored ♪

♪ Give me a high five ♪♪

(male #1) 'Alright, cut and print.'

'Beautiful, guys. Dynamite.'

[theme music]

Mm-hmm. What's up, light skin?

Have you ever swallowed a magnet?

No. Why?

'Cause I'm definitely starting to feel

some attraction.

That is so corny.

[sighs] Where're all the real producers at?

Oh, uh-uh, you-you're talkin' to one right now.

- I'm a producer. - What have you produced?

Have you ever seen, uh, "Armageddon"

"Jurassic Park" or "Titanic?"

Those are your movies?

They were last night, I rented them.

No, no, no. On the real, on the real, on the real.

On the real. I'm-I'm a producer. I'm a producer.

I'm currently, um, CEO of Knockin' Boots Productions.

Now, check this out.

The character works at Orange Julius during the day

by night, he's a rappin' vampire.

The soundtrack will be off the skillet.

[snorts] Don't know anybody who'd wanna be in it.

- But sorry. - No, no, no.

Well, that's too bad, you see, 'cause I have

the perfect young actor for you.

His name is Marlon Williams.

Wait a minute, I know him, he's-he's the black guy

on "Everybody Loves Everybody," right?

- Yeah. - Hey, listen.

I'm producing the new Steven Bergman film.

And there's a great role in there for a young black actor.

Now I got a question, does the character die

before or after the credits?

'Cause you know how Hollywood does it, brother.

Oh, no, no, no.

He's an idealistic young man

who's gotta drop out of school because his brother is killed

in a drive-by. Now, can he handle this?

Oh, oh, oh, definitely. Marlon's very responsible.

He definitely can lay-lay this role out.

Whoa! Ha ha ha!

Oh-oh-oh, uh..

[Marlon laughing]

Hey.

Is that ET?

Oh, never mind, that's just Tyra Banks.

Hey, look here, man. Um, look here, JJ.

I will put you in a little bit later.

- I'll call you later, alright? - Do that.

- In the morning. - Okay, I'll call you.

[indistinct chattering]

[laughs]

What the hell are you doin'?

I'm just chillin' with my new friends.

- We chillin' y'all! - Oh, yeah!

You and your friends smell like weed.

Shawn, I wasn't smokin' that stuff.

I'm just pretendin' so I can hang out with them.

M-Marlon, this ain't funny, man. Look, I know you like this guy.

I know you think he's cool. But he's only cool in movies.

I think he's a idiot in real life.

I'm not touchin' the stuff, look.

Hangin' out with Rico could open up big doors for me, man.

Yeah, but you still gotta have a mind of your own, man.

You can't go followin' this guy around

like your some kind of puppy.

Come on, man. I ain't gonna let nobody play me.

- Alright, Marlon, let's go. - Let's go.

[instrumental music]

What the dilly, yo?

[laughs]

- 'Wassup, man?' - So did you have fun?

Oh, man, we had a ball.

We went down to the Waffle House

wound up closin' the place down.

Hey, did you know they serve [indistinct] buckwheat waffles?

And buckwheat don't see a dime.

Well, if you're not too busy suckin' up to your new friends

I set up an audition for you to go in

on that new Steven Bergman movie.

You got me an audition with Steven Bergman?

You the man, Shawn. You are the man.

But it wasn't a easy audition to set up, okay?

You almost blew it by makin' an ass out of yourself with Rico.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't blame Rico, okay?

I can make a ass out of myself by myself.

Besides, man, Rico says that's how actors are.

They act wild and crazy.

Marlon, what's wrong with you, man?

Do you wanna be one of these people who ruin their lives

and end up livin' in a crack house?

Does it have cable?

[laughs]

- Yeah. - It's not funny.

That ain't funny, muppet face.

[laughs]

Come on, man, I told you, man.

I-I was just pretendin' to smoke, okay?

I didn't really smoke the stuff.

Yeah, that's how it starts off

with you just pretendin'.

Next thing you know you're directin' traffic

butt-naked with a pair of flip-flops on.

Sh-Shawn, please, man, come on, get off my back.

I told you, I'm not smokin' no weed!

- I was just pretendin'! - Marlon.

I thought you was just pretendin'

to smoke weed, Marlon. What's this?

Oh, that's the, uh

new aerodynamic, uh, cotton swab.

Whoo! Boy, my ears was dirty.

Marlon, why you tryin' to play me?

I'm not jokin' around. What's-what..

- You think I'm stupid? - No, uh, look, Shawn.

Alright, look, I took it, man, I just took it

'cause I didn't want them to think I was soft, man.

Besides, it's just weed, you act like it's crack!

God! It's harmless.

The Indians used to smoke it.

Yeah, and look what happened to them.

They wound up sellin' Manhattan for $24 dollars

and a beef jerky.

Alright, so look at, look at rappers.

Some of them smoke and they go triple and double-platinum.

Yeah, and you ever hear

how ignorant they sound in interviews?

That weed fried their brain up so much

they can't even articulate!

Yo, I think, like, rap is like the foun..

...you know, like the foun..

...you know, like the bottom part.

Uh, music and I think that the kids today

need some kind of guide

you know, they, like, need guide

somebody to, like, push them like that.

Alright, smarty-pants, what about, what about doctors, huh?

They prescribe it to their patients.

- They use it. - Yeah.

But then other people take advantage of it.

Sitting around goin'..

[puffs] "Yo, man, this weed

sure did clean up this dandruff."

[puffs]

Look, Marlon, you got through eight years

of high school without this.

Hey, it was only six, okay?

I ain't stupid.

You know what, whatever the amount was, okay

you got through high school without it.

- Why are you gonna do it now? - Shawn.

I didn't have time to do it in high school.

I was asleep.

- You know what, Marlon? - Yo.

- I don't want you hangin' out-- - What, man?

- Hey, man, don't what me. - I'm sayin', man.

Alright, I don't want you hangin' out

with this kid Rico no more.

Come on, man, I've grown, son.

You can't tell me what to do.

Leave me alone! You, why you always in my business?

Marlon, this ain't got nothin' to do with business

a'ight?

Look, yo, kid, you're my baby brother, right?

I'm just tryin' to look out for you.

Now, I'm gonna flush this down the toilet.

What, you don't trust me to do it?

Marlon, when was the last time you flushed the toilet?

Good point, you better do it.

Hey, ugh! Man! Ah!

You go flush that!

What the.. What's wrong with you, man?

Now wait a minute, you're not sayin' that Marlon

smoked those tweeds himself, do we?

I, I mean, I don't know, pop, I mean he says he's not

but I wish there was a way for me to figure out if he was.

Uh, here he comes. L-listen, leave it to me.

I took a three-day intensive course

how to spot drug users.

So now he's gonna be defensive, we have to be very subtle.

[mumbling]

Hey, y'all.

- Hey, Marlon? - Hm?

You high?

Wow, Dee, that was about as subtle as your breast.

Hm, hm, hm.

What is this? I step out for ten minutes to get a script

I come back, you tell everybody I'm high?

Look, relax, okay? I didn't tell everybody.

I just told, Dee. You could trust her.

- She's not gonna say nothin'. - Yeah.

He is high. Look at him.

You know what? I'm gonna go grab some papers on my way out.

Papers? What do you need papers for? What kinda paper?

Newspaper, okay? Not those kind of papers.

(Pops) Marlon, Marlon, come here, son.

- Come here, son. - What, man!

I don't think you realize how serious a matter this is.

Let me tell you a story.

I once knew a young surgeon.

He was at the top of his class in his medical school.

Then he started messing with drugs.

Next thing you knew, his nerve was so bad

his hands started shakin'. He couldn't operate.

Lost his license.

And that's what ruined his career.

- Well, what happened to him? - He's working at Supercuts.

Hold on, let me, let me try for a minute.

Let me try and break it down for you.

Look, Marlon, check this out.

Marlon, look. This is your brain.

I'mma get a smaller egg.

Marlon...this is your brain.

Now, this is your brain..

You hardheaded, boy.

This is your brain on drugs.

And this is your brain with some hot sauce..

...and some chopped ham.

Pop, I'm tryin' to teach him a lesson, man!

And I'm tryin' to run a business.

I'm not gonna waste an egg on that fool.

[instrumental music]

Yo, Darius, you heard those gunshots?

Darius?

Darius?

Oh, my God! They shot Darius!

That's it, that's it, if I could just

nail it like that for the audition.

Oh, my God, they shot Darius!

- Hey, Marlon, my man. - Oh, what the dilly, yo?

Right, right, cool. Whatcha doing up here, man?

Ah, just taking a meeting on some new flick.

Oh, a meeting? So you big time, big time, y'all take meetings.

I gotta audition.

Either that or the castin' couch.

[laughs]

Ooh! Anyway, I'm goin' in for Steven Bergman.

Oh, yeah. You know, I turned that piece of crap down.

Hey, but for you that'll be good. Really, yeah.

Oh. Well, I finally think I'll nail this character.

I'm just nervous though, man.

I never read for somebody like Steven's caliber before.

You'll be alright, man, just do whatever you do to relax.

I would, but I left my booty magazines at home.

[scoffs]

Well, then, uh, do what I do.

Smoke a joint, man.

It'll take that edge right off.

Uh, I-I don't, I don't know about that, man, I..

- Won't that mess up my actin'? - No, man!

That'll take you to the next level, bro.

You know, I was high when I got my first job?

Oh, yeah, that's right!

You played the stoned guy in "Getting Stoned."

Man, and ever since then I work strictly high.

You see, it makes you more creative, bro.

You know, it frees your mind.

You lose all inhibitions.

No wonder why Robert Downey Jr. keeps workin'.

So, uh...what happened to that joint I gave you?

Tsk. My brother put it in the toilet.

Well, uh, lucky for you..

...I've got an extra one.

Well, you're just like the cheeba man, huh?

Had all kind of herb endorsement.

Weed is..

Look, bro. Smoke that, okay?

And you will blow them away at that audition.

[chuckles]

- Catch you later. - Yup.

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

Mr. Williams?

[laughs] Oh! What's the deal, baby?

How you feelin'? Word up, let's take the scene.

You know what I'm sayin'? Word up, word up.

Like a Ken doll, word up, word up.

Whoa! Mine don't do that.

[laughs]

Hi, I'm JJ, the producer and this is of, uh, course

this is Steven Bergman.

[Marlon laughing] Oh!

I just wanna thank the Academy.

Uh, first and foremost I'd like to thank the man upstairs.

L. Ron Hubbard, thank you.

[banging]

Man, I won, I won!

I won and you didn't.

I won, I won, I won and you didn't.

Na, na, prff.

[laughs]

Right, uh, I was thinking how about if we just do the scene.

Oh, let me.. Who's that?

Oh, well, this is, uh, this is our director

uh, Steven Bergman.

Obviously, this is, this is, Marlon.

Shh! Hiya.

Nice to meet you, brother.

Yo, you got a big head.

[laughs]

You got a big head. Oh, I'm sorry.

He-he's the black guy from "Everybody Loves Everybody."

Hey, where you, where you get them liquor store shades?

You got them, them cop shades.

These look like..

...tinted windows, they're so big.

Vroom. Say, girl, what's your number?

[laughs]

Yo, when I was little I used to wanna sing, yo.

Oh, y'all got the mike, too, right here?

Let me try that.

Uh, careful, it's--

♪ Ooh yeah ♪

♪ Oo-oo-o-ooh ♪

♪ Oo-oo-o-ooh ♪

♪ Ha ha-a-a ♪♪

Girl, huh

I hate when you believe in me sometime.

You hurt my feelings.

But I seen you in the room with that other brother.

That's why I'mma get your sister instead. You ain't cute.

[laughs]

Whoa, I'm skiin'!

[grunts] I'm skiing.

There comes a tree. There comes another tree.

There goes the tree. There goes the bridge.

[snorts]

[laughs] Ain't no brother don't ski.

White guys do everything. Yeah, I'll be snow surfin'.

Whoa! Wow! Everybody's going surfin', dude!

[shouting]

[gibberish]

Oh, no! Here comes a shark! Cool!

[screams]

How come there ain't no brother in "Jaws?"

Do you know why? Brothers don't get in the water.

Make us ashy.

[laughs]

Yo.

Yo, why she lookin' at me like that, yo?

I mean..

Yo, why she lookin' at me?

Yo, can you tell her..

She's still lookin' at me, yo.

Yo, take that down off the wall.

- Get her off of the wall! - Okay, okay, alright.

Yo, get her off the wall, man, please! Please, please.

(JJ) 'Okay, it's, uh, it's cool. We got it.'

When I say bang, you get shot and die, okay?

Alright.

B-bang, shot.

I got nothin' to drink. My mouth is dry.

Uh, we-we-we'll get you some water in here.

Yeah. Uh, Jeannie, bring in some water!

Alright, so here, why don't you do this?

Jeannie, bring your sister in, so we can all get down.

[laughs]

- Anytime. - Alright, anytime.

What're we doing?

- Darius. - Darius, right.

Alright, you guys scream action.

- Alright. - Alright.

Action.

- What happened? - Okay, you weren't ready.

- Okay. - Do one, two, three.

- Right. - Five, four, three.

Right, okay, and then do action.

Five, four, three, two--

One.

[indistinct singing]

[laughs]

Alright.

Action!

Oh, my God, Darius!

Darius.

Darius..

[sobbing] Don't die, Darius.

Don't die, Darius.

Don't die, Darius, don't die.

♪ Don't die Darius don't die ♪

♪ Don't die Darius don't die huh ♪

♪ Don't die Darius don't die hey ♪

♪ Don't die Darius don't die huh ♪

♪ Oh Darius don't die ha ♪

♪ Don't die Darius don't die Ha ha ho ♪

♪ Don't die Darius don't die ♪

♪ Don't die Darius don't die ♪♪

Alright...bang.

[singing continues]

(JJ) 'Bang.'

Bang!

You hit me.

But you missed my vital organs, see.

- I shifted them. - No.

I shifted them. They're over here now.

I put 'em in my leg.

All the vital organs are here.

I'm comin' after you like the Terminator.

Alright, you..

[gibberish]

Mr. Williams..

Now I turn into liquid.

Look at it, I'm liquid.

[groans]

And now I'm puttin' it all together again.

[groans]

And I come back. And I feel Diesel.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - And I'm the Terminator.

Yeah! Get off..

You see that? That was ill, right?

Y'all should make this science fiction, yo, right?

Please don't make me call security.

What happened? How did I do?

Well, y'all didn't even see me die yet.

I think we just did.

Oh, yeah, that's the writer talk.

Yo, hang on, there.

Alright, hey, you know where I can get a fried baloney sandwich

with, like, some, some peas and carrots on it

and, like, some caramel sauce and liquorice with it?

No?

You mind if I take them jelly beans, yo?

- Take them. - I just want a couple.

Yeah.

Yo, I'll see y'all later, alright?

'Yo.'

It's a shame what drugs do to a good actor.

First we got to fire that pothead Rico and now this.

(Shawn) 'Look, uh, if you just give him another shot.'

I'm sure, look, I'm-I'm--

Hello?

- Hello? - Whoo, Shawn!

I just ripped this audition, kid.

I was loose, I was confident, I was creative.

I'm tellin' you, they're probably talkin' about

castin' me right now.

Yeah, for the Rick James story.

I just got off the phone with the producer, Marlon.

You didn't get the part.

Why? 'Cause I'm black?

Where's Al Sharpton? We're gonna march.

Yeah, well, why don't you march to the Betty Ford Center

okay?

You was high.

What are you talkin' about?

I wasn't high. What makes you say that?

'Cause you're sittin' there eating a gallon of jelly beans

and you smell like Willie Nelson's beard.

I can't believe you, Marlon, man, how could you blow

the biggest opportunity of your career by getting high?

It calms me. That's why I smoke, Shawn!

Yeah, I-I was nervous, man.

It just gave me a little extra confidence.

Marlon, don't you see that's false?

Weed gives you a false sense of security, man.

And then when you come down off the high

you're worse off than you were when you smoked it.

Now, not only did you blow your part

but you have a bad reputation just like your boy Rico.

What you talkin' about Rico? Rico got it made.

No, he doesn't. I talked to JJ.

Rico can't even get an actin' job because he's always high.

As a matter of fact, he lost his job

that he was gonna get in the sequel to "Getting Stoned."

He's not gonna be in "Getting Stoneder?"

- This ain't no joke, Marlon. - I know, man.

I don't know what I was thinkin', man.

Honestly, it doesn't even feel good.

I mean, it's-it's like all hype.

I don't know, man.

For the first time in my life, I..

...I actually felt stupid.

Good.

'Cause you were.

Next time you gonna listen to me?

Ain't gonna be no next time.

I ain't smokin' that stuff no more.

That's what I wanted to hear, kid.

(Shawn) Look up, Marlon, say "Cheese."