All language subtitles for The Tall Guy 1989.eng

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
the performance will begin
in two minutes. Thank you.

Please take your seats.
Thank you, ladies and gentleman.
The performance will start.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr Ron Anderson!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

It's important to understand
the kind of damage that physical
violence can do to the head.

And Mr Perkins here has kindly
volunteered to help me demonstrate.

This, for example...
will do no real damage.

Whereas this... could result in
some minor superficial bruises.

And of course... this

will certainly break a bone or two.

Whereas...

an iron bar...

will result in certain death... as in this case.

- What in the name of arse is going on?
- Sorry, touch of hay fever.
- Touch of brain damage, I'd say.

You're performing like five kinds of shit eatery.

Get out of my eyes.

Don't worry, Dex.
Everyone has off-nights.

Once I dropped black crate's [statesweight.]

Kill two actors.
Could happen to anybody.

You lie.
Thanks, Charlie.
There.

- How many?
- About 30.

What a story!

Wilma!

Sorry, Fred.

- Good evening, Mr. Morrow.
- Good evening, Dexter.

What a life!
Blind and allergic to his guide dog.

- Evening.
- How do you do?

Yeah... Hello, Dexter. This is Piers.
I wanted to ask you a big favour.

Could you...

Hello, Dex? This is Piers again.
Phone just to check.
I think there might be something wrong with your...

Dex, Piers again. Your machine
is definitely faulty. Please ring me back.
I need it desperately. My number is 735-3...

Say, there is water, innit?

Ah, try the tap.

Thanks.

Well, speaking of rubber face,
there's no need to introduce to you
our guest this evening.

Why, it is the rubber face himself.

Please welcome the wacky wonder
of the West End. Mr Ron Anderson!

...upsy nutsy in every chunky chewy bite!

- Oh, my God.
- Fine new lotsy nuts.
They'll drive you nutty!

Ah!

- Darling!
- Hi.

How is my favorite man?

Oh, well, I'm not great. Television
been taken under by Ron Anderson.

Answering machine finally wins
its war of attrition against me.

Socially I'm for nought.

Fridge is so full of leaping things.
Looks like "The Muppet Show".

- You poor sweet thing.
- Also, there seems to be a...

naked plumber, er...
testing our toilet facilities?
- No, no, that's George.

I think he's so sweet.
Rr...r.

- Let's get some provisions.
- You... Oh, I'd be careful.
Tell you, there's piece of cheese
in there with actually grown ears.

- George, this is Dexter.
- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh... Sorry.

A hay fever season, innit?

- Dexter is allergic to everything to do in this summer.
- Except "Beach Boys".

I thought you'd have a rash from orange juice.

- Shouldn't you start with injections?
- Oh, I should, but... I can't stand...
what with the choice between rabies and
having injections, I think I'll give rabies a try.

It's all in the mind, anyway.
What you need, sweet one,
is a lovely girlfriend.

You used to know lots of gorgeous girls.

- Why don't we have one of them around?
- Because I never liked any of them.

Happy?

Punt me... Pump me, Mr... Petrol!

It's called "Birth of the Earth Mother".

I... I am not drunk!

It was the night people Christmas.

And all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

- You come battle the hay fever?
- That's right. I want really...

crack it this year.
- Excellent.

Do you mind, that
Dr. Karabekian sits in with us?

- No, not at all.
- Excellent.

Now that seems that Mr King is allergic
to pretty well everything: dust, dust mites,
minced grasses, cats, dogs, feathers.

- What do you suggest?
- Streak of nasal therapy?

I think we'll stick to the straight and narrow.

- If you give this to the nurse...
we'll start the injections tomorrow.
- Ah, yes, hmm, doctor...

I was wondering if there was any alternative...

to the shots? I mean... really...
I just hate those things.

- May I ask why?
- Well... because they hurt.

- They hurt?
- Yeah. They do.

Oh, very well.
I'll give you tablets instead.

Perhaps... some time...

- Mr King will like to come in and
discuss the psychological reasons
why he hates the shots.
- No, really... just because they hurt.

Er... The violence of this...
stir something in me.
Drives me crazy.

I think we should talk about this phobia in the matter.

- It's not a... phobia!
It's just that I hate them things.
- That's the definition of a phobia.

- Do you have a girlfriend, Mr. King?
- No, as a matter of fact, I do not.

Excuse me. What is weird in it?
There's nothing suspicious about it.
I just happen to hate injections.
It's the same as some people...

hate airplanes or spiders or having
electrodes attached to the scrotum.

- Tragic.
- Ah.

I think the sooner you come back... the better.

Thanks...
But no thanks.

You were a train.
Tch, tch, tch...

Do you want...
[...on this for a minute?]

Oh no, my nurse, the patient
is taking pills instead of injections.
Who's next?

- I think I saw Mrs Cartwright waiting.
- Oh God, yes. Poor thing.

Very well?

[All good, may I finish it?]

Your Royal Highness.

You nail your pills in the dispensary.

Wuuhuu!

Ah, Mrs Cartwright.
Do take seat.

Tell me, hasn't new hair on
your head started grow back yet?

On second thought: doctor, hey, I mean,
a few little pricks did not harm anybody.

- Carmen?
- Dexter!

- Something incredible has happened.
- What's that?

- I've fallen in love.
- Who with?!

- She is a nurse.
- Oh, that's a good start.
- But...

What am I to do?
I mean...

The last time I really went for anybody
I was wearing "Flying Transit".

You have behaviour of a real bastard.

Men fall into two categories.

[Waiting and keen] or bastards.
Bastards always get the girls.

- How do... bastards behave... these days?
- Really badly.

Take her out to dinner.
Bonk her to within an inch of her life,
then never ring her again.

- Is this a thing that works for sure?
- Well, yes! If you want true love.

- Look, can we go on?
- Oh.

- How do I look, Mr M?
- Excellent. Never seen you look better.

Never seen him at all.

What do you mean, bastard?

- Hay fever, isn't it?
- That's right.
- Good.

You roll up your sleeve, please.

It's going to hurt... now.

There... Come back next week.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Did you ask her?
- Not as such.

I certainy felt overrun by uniform.

At the circumstances asking her
if it will be okay if I bonked
her to within an inch of her life,

seemed... an uglish thing to do.

Yes. Pretty bad about that.
Uniforms always made me keener.

- Don't they, Inspector?
- Certainly do, ma'am.

Still next week, hey?

Yes, yes. No, I reckon, next week for sure.

Listen, I've sized up the strength of the enemy forces.

Next week I go for the first strike...
All-out victory.

Sleeve.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I mean... Jesus's candlesticks!
Four serum injections and
all I manage is two "Hello"
and one "Sorry, I'm late."

Oh, come on, it's not so difficult.

Practice it with me
I am the nurse. Come on.

OK. Eh...

- Do you want to go out to dinner?
- Yes, please.

- I think she might probably
put up more resistance.
- No, OK, OK.

- What are you doing?
- I'm playing hard to get kind of chick.

OK.

- Do you want to go out to dinner?
- Hmm...

Yes, please, Mr Sexy.
OK, let's do it now!

- Ah, much harder to do.
- You see!

And... If still you have trouble
to what I do, you know, I can...

tell you are a big West End star, chatter up...
The lights, the celebs,
the smell of the greasy paint...
- Hey, hey, that's a thought!

If you do not get this woman
you are a mouse, not a man.

- Say, are you a fan of Ron Anderson?
- Who?

- Squeak...
- Scalpel.

Clamp.

- My... God!
- What is this, Sir?
- What, it's extraordinary! Look.

Here, that's... rib cage,

kidney... spleen...

Absolutely no spine.

- So the patient is... spineless?
- That's right...
Utterly and totally spineless!

I know. I know. I know.

Carmen!

Carmen, what am I to do?

Ah! I am going to the hospital
for seven weeks now.
I don't even know her name.

Get after more shots.

- No!
- Yes! Say, you're going on holiday.

- Some of the African places need hundreds
of injections. That's right, isn't it, Bernard?
- Oh, yes, yes.

He's shy.

- A few more jabs will be enough.
- No!

- This is ridiculous. Say... she is a nurse,
it's not like I make the pass at Mother Teresa.
- I quite fancy Teresa.

- Bernard!
- I mean: all I am to do is to say:
"You want to come out to dinner?", right?
- Absolutely.

- And shag her till her ears drop off.
- Well, it is as long as lines.

- Not a match to expection, Superman.
- Exactly!

No time for hesitations...
Through.. Hey...

- Screw Africa too.
I walk in there and say:
"Baby, I dig you the most."
- Right! Screw Africa!

- Morocco?
- That's right.

Why do you want to go there?

Why?

Oh, there are lots of reasons, er...

God, all I think, Joe Orton used
to go there to pick up little boys.

Of course, that's not why I'm going there.
I hate little boys.

[Oh, I don't hate them.
I have no strong feelings,
strong about them. And with, er...]

The climate... is excellent.

Very good linen goods.

Never... Festival, I think,
around this time of year.

- Colorful costumes, that's what can be.
- When are you off?

Oh... not quite now.

Ah, as long as it takes for us
to get this... series of jabs this time.

Oh, that's not release series.
I'll give you all five today.

- Five? Today? Eh... not come back?
- Uhm.

It would be six, but polio is just the sugar lump now.
And then there is gamma globulin,
tetanus, cholera, typhus and TB.
And the memoir is recommending yellow fever as well.

Oh, it would be six then.

- Now, which arm don't you need?
- I'm losing an arm?
- No, which arm do you use least?

Ah, I use them both rather, you know.
You know, even if I'm walking. See.
What, what, what, no, no, no. No! Ah...

The thing is, the thing is, ah...

All these weeks I've been coming here...
I've been... wanting to ask you something.

Why... What I really want to know, is...

- What's your name?
- Kate... Lemmon.

- Horrid name!
- No, not at all!

It could have been worse.
Could have been called Hitler,
Tampon, or something.

- Kate, we need you. Cardiac!
- Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be back.
- Yes, yes.

Tampon? No, no!
God take my testicles and
fry them up with bacon!

Mr King! Hello!

Nurse Lemmon will be
detained for a while, I'm afraid.
So I'm going to stand in for her.

- If that's alright with you?
- Are you sure you are qualified?
- Oh yes! Oh yes! I'm...

I'm really getting the hang of all this now.

Here we are.

Ah!

Oops. Sorry. Never mind.

Right.

- We call this a wide bore needle.
- Wide...

...bore?
- Oh yes! Big needle.
It goes right through the muscles.
- No...

- First no more than a little prick.
- No!

And then it builds up, you see,

into the massive golf ball
of serum under the flesh.

- Very effective.
- Yeah!

Ouch!

- Be very careful with it, because one slip,
an air bubble and voilà, instant death.
- Voilà?

- Ouch!
- Don't worry.

- Almost the worst anyway.
- Almost the worst?

Nurses call this one Big Ben apparently.

And then... Oh, I must get
in the right place, muscles' inside.
Patience... There we are.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Ouch, ouch, ouch.

- Here we go.
- Ouch, ouch.

- Now!
- It's...

They say, the real expert
do it even without looking.

Don't you dare!

And finally... the sugar cube...
Open...

Oh, Mr King, er..., if you do
suffer extreme reaction, eh...

frothing fit, massive neural shutdown, don't worry.
I'm sure someone will bring you in.

- That's... very comforting.
- That's all. Part of the service.
Goodbye, Mr King.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Life in the Vatican is fun, fun, fun

When you're a dancing nun, nun, nun

Come in.

Listen, Dexter, is there
something troubling you?

Something that you want
to talk to someone about?

Well, yeah, actually, as a matter of fact there is...

Then for fuck's sake talk to
someone about it, really.

And sort it out before I sack
you and hire a lobotomized
monkey to play your role. OK?

Thank you, my friend.

The moment you called I thought:
"This is it. This is it."

I haven't known what my life is about.

I had a nervous breakdown
after another breakdown.

Now suddenly... everything
is going to fall into place...

with the man on the end of this telephone.

- Yeah... I just thought I'd give you a call.
- And thank God you did... Mr Petrol.

If I tell you something... confidential...

will you keep it a secret?

Yeah, yeah, I guess, yeah.

I'm not wearing any underwear.

Ah.

- Is that wise?
- Screw wisdom!
Who wants to be wise?

The Dalai Lama, to name... but one.

Will you excuse me for one... one second.
I've... I've got to go to bathroom... OK?

Why? Why?

Fuck!

- Hi.
- Hello.

Hey, let's go.

It's what I like about you.
So impetuous.

- This is upside down.
- Huh!

- Right. Ha-ha!
- [The bill, sir.]

Yes, sir.

- Nice to get to sunny Morocco.
- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

- You're going to Morocco?
- Ah, yeah.
But I don't know when I really am.

Is it where man goes to pick up young boys?

That's right! It's a top pipe for sodomy.

- Ah, I'm sorry. May I introduce?
- This is Miss... Mrs...
- Kate.

- Yes. Kate Tampon.
- Lemmon.
- Kate Lemmon, this is ist Tamara.

Magovich...
For the moment at least.

- Oh, you too...?
- Well, you know...

- Great.
- Great?
- Great.

- Come on, lover boy.
Let's go singing in the rain.
- Goodbye.

Of course I had other men.
Of course I had.

Hundreds of them.
I wouldn't be human if I hadn't.

But you know...

even in their arms...

even with their... enormous manhoods...

pushing me, pushing me
to earth's unbearable ecstasy,

I have often thought...

Dexter King.

Dext, my petrol man...

he's the one and for me.

Have you ever thought about me like that?

Please excuse me.
One minute.

Excuse me, have you seen a nurse just...

Ah!... No.

- Excuse me, you haven't seen that
nurse with er... an orange raincoat,
orange lipstick, orange earrings?
- You mean me?
- Yes!

It has to be quick.

Some old man is waiting for my
hand on his bottom and I hate
to disappoint [old people].

Would you like to come
out to dinner with me?

- Why?
- Why?
- Yes, why?

Well, I, hmm,... was thinking of take on nursing.

- You want to become a nurse?
- Yeah. That's right. I...

want to be a nurse. My all family...
It's a family tradition. My grandfather...

Ah... I thought maybe we could have
more time to discuss it over dinner.

No thanks. I really get enough of that
around here without discussing it
in my spare time. Let me...

Ah. Yeah.

I mean, you know,
[if you'd invited me]
because I was pretty or nice,

I think that it probably would be
a good idea. But since this is
just a... professional inquiry,...

it's probably best cut short.
- Right. I do think you are...
pretty and nice... as well.

See you at six tomorrow then.

- I don't get free till 10:30.
- OK. See you at 10:35 then.

Oh! What about your fiancée?

- I hate her.
- OK. What are you doing
that keeps you so late?

- I am an actor.
- But not a very good one, eh?

Morocco... Ha!

I don't love this stuff. Somewhat
mild. No matter how many times you
use it, your hair's still dirty.

If you ever do anything funny
in my show again, you big
elongated droplet of the dung,

you're out! You dig me?

- F-U-C-K-E-D, out!
- This is Ron Anderson you often hear about.
He's got a big one in this!

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Sorry. I'm late.
- No, it's right.
Just got in, this second.
- Oh, good, good.

Well, so what we want to do, er...?

Camden has everything from...
a traditional English to...
very good new Greek-Indian
restaurant called Zorba the Buddhist.

It would be lovely but I'd like to go home.

It's been a very hard night
and am just so terribly tired.

OK. Well... Not even a drink?
I can offer you anything from...
Malibu to... something drinkable.

No, something just to fall asleep.

No, sorry for somewhat feeble excuse.

No, that's... that's fine.
I've heard worse.

Look, I'd love to sleep with you tonight,

but unfortunately my flatmate's really depressed.

And if I don't go back she'll commit suicide.

Also, I'm thinking of becoming a nun.

- Maybe some other time?
- Yes.

- Could you walk me home?
Or should I just get murdered on my own?
- Oh, no, no. My pleasure.

Do you know also people called Tampon?

What?... Oh, no.

- Although... I did once know
somebody called Matureinbed.
- Really?
- Yes, Suresh Matureinbed.

He was Indian.

Ah, when everybody meet him in school...

they'd say "Are you... mature in bed?"

and, of course, you know,
he had to say: "Yes I am."

But, you see, it did turn all
around neatly as apparently, eh,
he, he was a really great lay.

I love this feel.

- Oh, that's where you live?
- Mmm.

Don't be deceived by the grim exterior.

It's a good deal grimmer inside.

Ah, no, no, no, it's...
looks nice... looks nice.

Look, there is just one thing
I'll try to make clear. To avoid
any embarrassment later.

I'm sure, you know, just because
you are taking the girl out to dinner,

it doesn't mean she's got to go to bed with you.

No, no!

Absolutely. I'm not... Oh my God.

Absolutely not. No!

Yeah, well, the thing is I'm not
that sort of girl who believes in that.

I think it's much better to go
to bed with the person on the first
date... to get it out of the way.

There's no point in us having ten expensive
dinners if I already know I like you.

Oh.

- So I'm... I'm off full day tomorrow,
so why wouldn't you come round?
- Oh, that... that would be great.

- And when I say "great",
you know... I... I mean... great.
- Good!

Good night.

I like your jacket.

Hi. Come in.

Green and orange are
my favourite colours.

- Orange particularly.
- Yes.

Sorry about last night.
I was very tired.

I'm less tired now.

- I'm not tired either.
- Great!

Two people... alone...
in the middle of the afternoon...
and not tired!

Ideal circumstances... for Scrabble.

Orange particularly.

- What's going on down there?
- That's the feathers.

Hey, figure, I have got no feathers.

Certainly not. Duvet.
I'm allergic to feathers.

Good God!...
You're ridiculous fellow!

Au!

- How that was... wild!
- Oh, oh, that was wild, I think.

Unhung... God!

And with the top of our fun
I think you've missed your show.

- Fancy a fuck, big boy?
- No thanks, just had one.

Get off...
Get off!

How dare you improvise,
you diminutive Mediterranean moron!

And as for you, Daddy Long Legs...

I've been waiting for this moment ever
since I first made a mistake of hiring you.

You're both... fired.
I give you a week's notice.

- A week?
- All right, a day then. Tonight is your last night.
- You can't do that! I demand to talk to the producer.
- I am the producer.

- In that case, you can do that but I'm not going
to give you the satisfaction of sacking me. I resign!
- Good! In that case you get no severance pay
and I sue your arse for breach of contract.

In that case I don't resign,
you total and utter bastard!

I hope all of your children
will have very small dicks!
And that includes the girls!

Well, as you probably all know,
this is Dexter's last night.

And now he's got to get away at
the end of this show, so that's why
we have the party in the end of it.

Dexter's been with the show
from the very beginning...

and I know that some of you...
some of us... are going to miss him.

We wish him best of luck in anything
he chooses to do in the future...

- And the same goes for, uh...
- Charlie.
- Charlie...

who's been with the show for, uh...
- Five years.
- Five... five years.

- Anne, [that calls] for a champagne?
- Yes.

- To Dexter's future.
- To Dexter's future.

Mm.

- What's happened?

- I've got sacked.
- Sacked!? Oh dear.

That's terrible!

Oh no. Not for just a one night stand!

- A one night stand?
- Well, one afternoon.

Oh my God.

You are gonna be so easy to tease.

I never thought I'd miss you

Half as much

As I do

And I never thought I'd feel this way
The way I feel...
- Hello, Mr M.

About you
Good morning, Dexter.

As soon as I wake up

Every night, every day

I know that it's you I need

To take the blues away

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

Nothing more, nothing less
Love is the best

- And what is this?
- My pajamas.

- You wear them again, I leave you instantly.
- Oh, Why not! I think it's great.

- They're not great. Look, they are wide
enough to fit two people in there.
- Nonsense. They're great.
- You dig?

As soon as I wake up
Every night, every day

I know that it's you I need
To take the blues away

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love...

I've got to go to work.

- Oh, wait a minute.
I'll keep you a company.
- OK.

- How much time have I got?
- About twelve seconds.

No... Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- This is so important not to be late.
- [ No, I don't want that both
of us will lose our jobs. ]

Right. Still, there's more in life than
get beaten with the fish or an iron bar
six times a week by that man.
- Absolutely!

- Mind that tree.
- What tree?

- So why were you doing that job, anyway?
- Oh, that's all I think I can get. You know,
life is not that easy for tall american actors...

in London. [Before I've got in] the Ron's
show, you know, all I think I had,
was playing Abraham Lincoln

in the series of advertisements for... muffins.
My career wasn't like a torpedo.

But Ron Anderson saw you were brilliant.

No, he knew I was cheap.

The show was supposed to last for
six weeks. It was run for six years and
in the end I was still earning less for a week
than the Coke machine in the dressing room.

Hang on, one second.

Is there anybody who could
help you to get another job?

- Of course, yeah. Listen, I hope so.
I've got a very powerful agent.
- Good!

Going out with an actor is bad enough.
But if I've got to be saddled
with out of work actor...

- Should be now...
- Absolutely not.

- I shall take actions this very afternoon.
- Good.

I say: tidy yourself up a bit first.

Oh.

Oh, hello, Mr. King. Take a seat. I'm sure
Mary will be with you in just a minute.

Mary said you should have a look at these scripts.

The Spielberg looks very interesting.
But the Woody Allen is just a cameo.

- Hmm. Thanks.
- Mr Pinter asked you to look at this...

and this is one from Arthur Miller...

that Mary doesn't think it's
as good as the Stoppard's one.

Oh, thank you very much!

Mary says why wouldn't you look at this?
It's for "Shake n' Vac".

You will be... tall American.

The thing is, my darling boy.
It's such a long time since
you've been up on the market.

Well, maybe that makes me a... novelty?

[Don't even dream about that.]
Seventy three percent of actors are unemployed.

- And nevertheless Roger Moore is still in work.
- Yes. It's a dark and mysterious world.

I suppose I could get for you audition with Berkoff.
He's doing a new play.

"England, my England".

That's good, yeah, I'll go for that.

Fuck off!

Fuck off yourself!
And the same goes for your friend!
Now... Fuck off!

You fuck off!

He said he thought that you lack anger.

- Well, I don't know.
I was pretty pissed off by the end.
- Yes, I think he's probably insane.

There are a couple of parts
coming out in Granada.
Not big but at least it's telling.

Sounds fine to me.

Well, let's get to the read
through, shall we? Page 26.

I'm reading Bob's part, OK?

Right. I'm driving alone.
It's raining hard.

Vicious, dark, gray rain.

Suddenly I spy someone.

I jam on the brakes with my foot.
I wind down the window and...

"Excuse me."
"Is this the right road to Cirencester?"

- "Aye, the beat."
- "Thanks."

Good, Dennis. Excellent!

Could you try... a little more... mystery?

The only other thing at the moment is
a new musical that the RSC are doing.
(The RSC: Royal Shakespeare Company)

- What's it about?
- The Elephant Man.

- Er... A musical of the... Elephant Man?
What's it called?
- "Elephant", I think.

With an exclamation mark presumably.

I pity the poor bastard who
has to play the elephant.

- Remember dearest, everyone thought
"Jesus Christ Superstar" was a stupid idea.
- "Jesus Christ Superstar" was a stupid idea.
- True.

But, ah... I've got to get something, er...
or else my girlfriend the nurse may...
begin to sleep with other men.

OK, let's take this once again
because it's not quite right.
Let's go again.

One, two, turn, three, four and five.

London, City of Sin
London, the town we grew up in
Just one grave in loony bin

Yeah. Someone sings a bit flat.

[ Queue to sing me a G. ]

La. La. ... La...
- Baaaaaa...

- Mr King!
- Oh yes. Listen, I am really sorry.
I guess, I'm a little...

out of practice.
- No.
- Pathetic. Actually, sorry, really grotesquely.

Awful. My voice is maybe
somewhat scratchy from cold.

Not at all. In fact, Dexter, we'd just like
to exchange words with you on something.

[ Perhaps, we could just have a chat
in a place... a little more private. ]

- The thing is, Dexter...
- Yeah?

We've been watching you very carefully.

And well, we think...

- Do you want to say it, Marc Antonio?
- Oh, no, no. Go ahead. You say it.
- Right...

- We think that...
- Excuse me.

We think we'd like to...

- [ God! May I please have privacy for one moment!? ]
- I'm sorry, Gavin.

- What I try to say is...
- Yeah?

We'd like to audition you
for a very large part, indeed.

- In this musical?
- You see, the thing is... We feel...
you have exactly the quality of...

awkwardness and vulnerability,
we were looking for.
- Yes, you are a victim. That's we need.

You are someone...
life has crushed...
grounded to the bottom.

- True... yeah... I'm...
I still don't follow you.
- Of course.

That would require massive amount of makeup.

Ah.

Here... Here!

- We're gonna be rich, rich, rich!
- Apparently.
- Oh my God!
- What?
- The first night.

What am I going to wear?
I have nothing.

- Whom I'll get to take me?
- I will if you like.
- Oh, that would be so stupid.
You're a total beardy weirdy.
- Hey, you know, I've got to get some rehearsals first.

Rehearsals be schmozzles. We all know
that acting is the easiest job in the whole
world. Don't pretend it's got to be difficult.

No, well, it is, after I learn my lines.
Get makeup right, er...

Sometimes it's very difficult to know
which door you come through.

I'm Jane Highworth.
I'm in charge of costumes.

I'm Max Fairford.
And I'm playing the circus barker.

I'm Dexter King.
I'm playing the Elephant Man.

I'm Timothy Hall and I am nearly bald.
That is probably why I'm playing doctor Treves.

I'm Cheryl Heinz and...
I'm playing Lady Cranbrook.

You all presumably know me.

I'm Gavin... and I'm your director.

- Right! So I take my first jump in the deep end.
Let's start with a sing through.
- Fog! Fog!

What a dreadful fog!

It gets me, lads.

It's some real pea soup.

Two, three, four, one.

Who knows what secrets

Its darkness hides?

Who knows what horror

May lurk inside?

[ Reminder for everyone: ]
9:30 tomorrow morning begins the warm-up.
9:30, thank you.

I have a huge nose and I sniff a hit!

Ah, I saw you in Ron Anderson's show.

I thought you were lovely.

That can't be easy, being a straight man.

All I had to do was... say my line
really and get punched in the face.

- You shouldn't put yourself down.
- No, no, it's really that easy, yeah.
That fucker's role could be fully
realized by umbrella stand.

- Well, I also think you get to be wonderful in this.
- Yeah, thanks.

It's my first time as an elephant.

Ah, you are very funny, aren't you?
I like funny people.

- Are you married?...
- No...

- My girlfriend is a nurse.
- I see.

- Well, see you tomorrow, Dexter.
- Yes.

- Been... Been...
- Good night.
- Good night.

- London, City of Sin...
- How was it?

Oh, fairly good...
Thank God, it's not Mozart.

- Any hits to sing?
- Oh well...

- All this sad ballad called "Packing my trunk"...
- Oh!
- Well, I think it could be very big!

- Very big. And what's with you?
How was your day?
- Not great.

Emergency is always pretty grisly.

A woman I was with gave
birth to a baby in a lift.

- Oh, was it OK, then?
- Oh, it would have been...

but her husband slipped on the afterbirth
and broke his collarbone.
- Holy cats!

Take a deep breath
Prepare for the worst
The ugliest man
In the Universe

Right, once more.
And remember, the man is hideous!

- Come on. Let's get going.
Everybody to the positions.
Come on. From the top.
- Yeah, I heard that too.

What about the actresses?
Pulled the number with any of them there?

Absolutely not.
All actresses there are... barracking mad.
You know, it's the first law of psychiatry.

You look in Freud: the actual
definition of "mad" in Freud...

is "anyone who is appearing
on the stage and is female."

Absolutely not... actresses!

Huh! I like you when you lie.

[ Go along! Go along! ]
[ He speaks as an Englishman ]
[ And he looks like an elephant ]
[ but he talks like a man]

[ Groove on! Groove on! ]
The tent is busting
Here he comes! Mister Disgusting!

Wrong door, Dexter!

- OK, from the top again.
- OK, back in front again.
- Tell me about the first night party.

Oh, there will be a lot of famous people there.

- And I am going to feel stupid.
- Well, no, no... I think... no.

It's gonna be a nightmare.
Really, hundreds of people
crammed in that backstage.

It's gonna be like happy hour
in the Black Hole of Calcutta.

Who's going to be there?

Ah, well, everybody. Gavin, the director,
the producer, everybody from
the cast, Timothy, Cheryl, hmm...

- Cyprus Charlie, whom I have
managed to get in the company
as my personal dresser.
- Oh.

If we'll be profoundly unlucky,
even Ron will be there.

Good! Oh good! I will put on
some orange and flirt with him.

Don't you dare.

As soon as he fancies somebody,
he starts coming on with stories
about his great pals Charles and Di.

It's totally revolting. He uses the queen
and her kin as a sexual lubricant.

Please, I have got to do something,
because everybody is going to be
telling you how wonderful you are.

I just see it: "The most moving
Elephant I've ever seen."

No, I don't think so...
don't think so...

Somewhere

Up in heaven

There is an angel
With big ears.

An angel
With big ears.

And... cut!

Well...

What can I say?

The entrances are pathetically sloppy.

The first half is mind-bendingly slow.

Nobody seems to have
the faintest clue what the lines are.

But it's a bloody masterpiece!

And... to reward you all for
being so totally wonderful...
Olé!

- Dexter, see you tomorrow. Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- See you tomorrow.

You realize that I'm falling in
love with you... Mr Dexter King?

Yeah...

That's probably not a good idea.

Love knows not good and bad, but
runs wherever the wild heart leads.

- Not a good idea, because
you've got a girlfriend?
- Yeah...

Bah... I've got a husband.

Is he, er...

Is he, er...
Is he... nice?

He's lovely.

Much nicer than you.

Much... much nicer.

Oops.

Sorry...

I'm [dead tired].

That's fine. That's fine.
I'm pretty [tired] myself.

Here we are on the stage of the Theatre Royal,
Drury Lane and tomorrow here is the long-awaited
evening of "Elephant", the first ever musical to deal
face to face with the subject of elephantiasis.

- "Are you enjoying your new room, John?"
- "Yes, thank you, doctor.
It's pretty difficult [to complain]."

- "Excellent, I want the Matron."
- "Hello, doctor."

- "Everything all right, Matron?"
- "Yes, thank you, doctor."
- "How are you, John?"

- "Excellent, thank you."
- Good, again.

- Morning, Mrs Heinz.
I hope you break a leg tonight.
- Thank you, David.

- Morning, Mr Hall.
I hope you break a leg tonight.
- Thank you, David.

Morning, Mr King.
I hope you...

- Good luck tonight.
- Thank you, David.

Do we have the card?

Oh, perfect!

Come in.

- Mrs Heinz, it's for you.
- Thank you, David.

Wonderful.

Oh! Oh, thanks.

Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you.
Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you.
Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you.

Loony bin...
[ Act one begins. It's a call message
for the beginning of act one.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. ]

But it's a stinking show...
But it's a stinking show...
No... No... Right.

OK, so wait with the bag...

Are you ready, Mr Hall?

Perfectly.

One minute to the cut-off.
Thank you.

Thank you, Mike.

- Beginners in position.
- The curtain is about to rise.

Thank you, how kind, never had...
toothpick of my own before.

Oh! [Excuse me.]

- Oh!
- It's Frank.
- Hello.

Very sexy. Very stupid.

Go smoke one...

Go smoke two...

Go smoke three...

Oh my God. This is it.

Go Dexter, go.

Cut smoke off. Thank you.

Fog... Fog...
What a dreadful fog...

It gets me, lads

It's a real pea soup

Who knows what secrets

Its darkness hides?

Who knows what horror

May lurk inside?

[ Groove on! Groove on! ]
[ It's colourful circus ]
Come up!

[ Groove on! Come up! ]
[ It's for people simple enough ]
Hooray!
Good night!
He is as strange as Halley's Comet
I mean he makes you puke just looking on him

Go along! Go along!
[ It's for people simple enough ]
Come up!

[What do you think about my stint?]

A lady with a beard
[Take look at him then]
He's really mad!

[ Go along! Go along! ]
[ He speaks just like an Englishman ]
[ And he looks like an elephant ]
[ but he talks like a man ]

Go along! Go along!
The tent is busting
Here he comes, Mister Disgusting!

Take a deep breath
Prepare for the worst
The ugliest man
In the Universe

I don't know how to reach him

He's so distant
Like a priest or a monk

And just when I think he's staying

I'm finding out
He's packing his trunk

He is a real man

Not an elephant

Can he make it?

No, he can't

Now his soul is soaring

Leaving this world of tears

Somewhere

Up in heaven

There is an angel
With big ears.

An angel
With big ears.

Thank you...
Thank you very much...
Thanks...

Ah, thank you very much.

- Oh hey, Charlie. Nice tux.
- Oh, thank you, Dex.

I've spotted a woman.

She is like a hungry leopard in full blossom!

Do you think I stand a chance?

I am only his landlady...

Yeah, possible, possible.

- Darling, this is Mary Simmons, Dexter's agent.
- Very touching.
- And...

- Kate. Kate.
- Ah! This is my wife, Cheryl.
- Hello. I think you were really good. Well done!
- Thanks very much... Darling!

- Are you OK?
- You were wonderful.
- Oh!

Hi. Thank you. Good.

Sorry I'm so late. Had some rather special
guests at my show tonight. It's difficult
to tell the heir to the throne to bugger off
because you've got a party to go to.

Hello, Dexter. The word on the street
is that your makeup is just excellent.

- Well, what's next?
- Shakespeare.
- Oh, yes.

- Back to the bosom of the bard.
- Yes.

- It's a musical based on "Richard III",
called "Dirty Dick".
- Any hits?

Well, there's one called:
"I've got a hunch I'm gonna be king".
Sounding pretty good.

Oh, I mean it's so damn confusing.

One day you're bowing and calling him
"Your Highness" and the next you're
blind drunk and trying to stick toasted
crumbs, you know, in his "Champs-Élysées".

So, anyway, I said:
"Where should I send it to?"

He said: "Just stick 'Buckingham
Palace' on the envelope and get with."

- I've got a hunch I'm gonna be king.
- King...
- I'm dirty Dick
And killing's my thing.
Gloves, shoes!

Excuse me.
You were... brilliant.

- You were just... brilliant.
- Thank you very much!

Ain't it lovely?

Thank God that's over.
Oh!

- You were very good.
- Ah.

All off. Look at it. I think
people could be a little more
original with the presents.

Six Babars, three Dumbos and
two Celestes. What should I say?
Look at it!

What is it?
A pig.

What?
What is the pig person thinking about?

Well... Maybe they were out of elephants.

Here we go. Maybe it's so.

- What are you doing?
- I'm packing a case.
- Why are you doing that?

Because...
I'm leaving here and I'm not coming back.

What? What? Why?

Because you've been having
an affair with that lady - Cheryl.

Don't you try to deny it.
It will be very grim...
It's true, isn't it?

- It's not an affair...
- Ah!

Who told you?

Hum, well, she did really.

Tonight, when we were at the party,
you went up to her and you handed her a drink.

And... She didn't say thank you.
She did not not even smile.

She just took it. You got to know
somebody very well indeed...
for something like that to have happened.

That smacked a collusion.

And also now when I come to think of it,
whenever you mention her name, you pause...

like you're giving something away.
- Gavin, the director, the producer,
the whole cast, Timothy, Cheryl, uh...

Cyprus Charlie, whom I've... managed to get
in the company as my personal dresser...

That were your only clues?

You said you like me because I'm so clever.

- Anyway, I'm sure we'll meet again
next time you plan to go to Morocco...
- No. This is stupid. I mean... It's over...
And it's nothing.

Yeah, but, unfortunately, in what was
going on, I meant nothing too, didn't I?
And I am worth more than nothing, aren't I?

- Yes!
- So?

Bye-bye. Take care.

And by the way, the pig, it was from me.

Take a deep breath
Prepare for the worst
The stupidest man
In the Universe

That's fair.

Hi.

Hi Dexter. I...

Dexter, look, I...

I look for... Fuck!...

Good evening and welcome to "After dark"

Tonight we're having a look on infidelity.

All of our guests here tonight
have in some way been unfaithful.

First... Cecil Parkinson...

If you go then I'll be blue
Cause breaking up is hard to do...

I've got my pride and I know how to hide
All my sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain

So let the heartaches begin...

Well, since my baby left me
Well, I've found a new...

...help it, I can't win
I've lost that girl for sure...

You know...

Two months ago I had everything.
I had a girl I loved...
Who loved me.

Now...

You and me on a bench...
That's what I have.

- I love you, Dex.
- Oh, thanks, Charlie.

I know it's not quite the same,
but... at least it's something.

Oh my God, Mr Morrow!

Mr Morrow.

- That's the voice of Dexter King!
- Yes, it is. This is Charlie.
- How do you do?

What do you look like?
Nice to have an image.

- I look like Anthony Quinn.
- Oh.

Have a seat, Mr Morrow.

What subject are you
discussing on this fine day?

- Love.
- Ah, boys.

Do you want my advice on questions of love?

- Yes.
- Yes.

My advice is: go blind.

Best thing that ever happened to me.

Since 1944, every girl I've spent time
with, looks the spitting image of Mae West.

- [ Then tearing our eyes out
will be the answer? ]
- Every time.

Drink, anyone?

Thanks.

I suggest we get women truly hammered.

I think what fights despair so
effectively is getting totally pissed.

Well, let's be happy. I'll spend the rest
of my life pretending to be an elephant
and sharing my bed with a small squeaky pig.

- This is for you, John... and rabbit.
- What's this?
- Thank you.

- Shouldn't these people be
on their shows tonight?
- It was yesterday.

Who knows, Dex?
Maybe next year you'll be up there.

- Yeah! Best... performance in a role of pachyderm.
- The nominations for the award
for best comedy performance are:

Michael Gambon in "Arms and the Man",

Penelope Keith in Alan Ayckbourn's
"The Madwoman of Staines",

Griff Rhys Jones in "Whoops Hamlet"...

and Ron Anderson
in "The Rubber Face" revue.
- Boo! Boo!

And winner is...

Come on, Michael!
Come on, Griff!
Come on, Penny!

- Ron Anderson!
- No! Oh!... Ah!

Was?

Oh no!

That is it! That's it. I-T it!

Charlie, did you ever want
to be a West End star?

- Oh no! No, Dex!
- Yes! Nobody will notice any difference.
- But they will!

I'm, I'm short, you are tall, you can act...

- I can't speak English.
- Yes, but... you can drool...
what is... crucial for this part.

In that chair you look like...
like a young Olivier.

Vengeance shall be mine!

- What in the name of Judas
Iscariot's bumboy is going on?
- I'll tell you what: first you
waste five years of my life!

- Then you take the one thing
in the world I really care about!
- Your bicycle?
- No. No! Kate!

- You stop my show to talk about her?!
- You're damn right. I have.
Well, you're welcome to... a Dumbo.

I've never laid hands on that dumb woman.

- You didn't sleep with her?
- No, I bloody did not!

I take a route, spend a king's ransom on dinner,
win an award for being the best bloody
comedian in the history of the world,

and what do I get? Bloody nothing!
- Are these your trousers?
Yes, they are!

Do no one have any respect for...
major comic talent these days?

- This sort of shit never happened to Charlie Chaplin.
- Are these your car keys?
- Yes!

Whatever you do, just face it, King.
You're worthless and weak,

and the chances that you're getting a girlfriend

without the help of a nuclear war that
wipes out the entire male population
of the planet are frankly pretty remote.

Thanks. [ Ron, I can't think of a way to tell you
how much I have cherished your understanding
in all honesty of my total uselessness. ]
This is, of course, your dressing room key?

- It may be.
- Great.

What? I beg your pardon.
You can't leave me here.
I have a show to do!

Oh, don't worry.
You're the best bloody comedian in the world.
They'll wait for you.

One last thing. This may be just
a rumour but I've heard Prince Charles...
thinks you are a turding snivelling suck bat.

No!

Here he comes! Mr Disgusting!

Take a deep breath
Prepare for the worst
The ugliest man
In the Universe

No!... Ah!

Pardon me.

65, 100... You dipped!...

- Excuse me, sir, have you any
idea what speed you were doing?
- Yes, I have. I've got to get in the hospital.
- Oh my God! Yes, you poor thing!

[ Stand by this. ]
[ Emergency Room will send for you. ]

Could you give me his X-rays please.

Bob.

Too late. He's dead.

I've got to talk.

- Impossible. There's still about [X patients from
the lorry accident on M40 motorway.] You have to wait.
- Wait... But...
- Wait, adulterer!

You should get some treatment
of your ear before you go.

Oh.

- I couldn't wait any longer.
- What do you want then?

You... desperately.

Desperately indeed!
What do you know about despair?
Look at these two.

This one probably will be dead
before the ten o'clock news.

- Who, me?
- Yes. Shoosh.

Would you... at least have dinner with me?

Why?

Because... I love you.

And because... I'm almost forty
and I am a tall American... Ah!

Whose entire career consists of playing
sidekicks and circus freaks, who doesn't
belong anywhere, except... by your side.

And... you're all I have to show for life so far.

- Oh.
- Excuse me nurse, [but couldn't
you eventually help me?]

I am... in some pain actually.

I will help you when I see fit.

You forfeited the right being treated
as a reasonable man when you made
a decision to put the vacuum cleaner
pipe up your bottom.

What happened with the ugly actress?

Oh, She said... sleeps with the fire eater.

Just dinner?

Now...

- Hey, nurse!
- Oh my God!

Get pressure!
Get the [?]!

Damn it! Mr Worthall, go, come on, come on!
Dexter, help me!
Give him the kiss of life!

- Kiss of life? What is kiss of life?
- Get on, get on him, get on him! Come on!

Move it! Push! Push!

- Come on!
- Ouch!
- Ouch! No, you push, you push and I kiss.

- Come on! Push! Push now!
- I push.
- That's it!

Come on, Bob!
Keep at it hard!
Breathe it, bastard!

- Breathe!
- Give him that.
- Aaah!
- Yes, yes!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- Yeah! Oh!

Wow! Well done, Sir.

Did she say yes or no?

Go on. Or I'll die again.

- Yeah, give him another chance.
You are only young once.
- [ Go on. Hear me, people. ]
[ You might get under the bus tomorrow. ]
- [ These two are crazy. ]

Please, just dinner.
Let me explain.

I was a complete... total... utter... idiot!

Er... I've learned my lesson
completely, totally, utterly!

- Just dinner?
- I promise.

What?

No sex at the end?

Well, maybe...

Sex? Yes! All right, if you insist!

OK then.

Subtitles by: Vitaly (vipo).
(Leningrad (USSR)-Gush Dan (Israel)).
Editing program: "Subtitle Edit" on Linux.
March 4, 2021.

I never thought I'd miss you

Half as much as I do

And I never thought I'd feel this way
The way I feel
About you

As soon as I wake up
Every night, every day

I know that it's you I need
To take the blues away

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

Nothing more, nothing less
Love is the best

As soon as I wake up
Every night, every day

I know that it's you I need
To take the blues away

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love

It must be love, love, love