All language subtitles for Children Ruin Everything S02E10 Me Time 1080p NF WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-DJSF_track3_[eng]

- Maybe we finish that inside.

- No snacks in the dojo.

Sensei’s rules, not mine.

- Viv, I got stuff I got to do.

- You’re not gonna watch me?

Why? I’m excellent.

- I know you are
and I’d love to watch you,

but I, I got to get food
for dinner.

I, I have to get a new
light bulb for the bathroom

so we can finally pee
with the door closed.

I have to return
those library books

because we’ve had them longer
than we’ve had Andrew.

- And don’t forget
my water bottle.

I left it at home.

ASTRID: I have a young family
and I love them,

but sometimes I want 15 minutes
that aren’t about them.

They’re about me slowly eating
a muffin in a library.

I’ll get you a water bottle
from the vending machine.

- Then there will be
no more ocean.

JAMES: When you’re a parent,
being alone with nothing to do

feels like a vacation,
so a few moments of sweet,

blissful library eating
is worth fighting for.

- Use the fountain.

- That water gets sucked
from the toilets.

ASTRID: But with all the
running around and cleaning up,

it’s very difficult to set
aside some precious me time.

- I’m done.

Oh, and here’s the wrapper.

- Thank you.

JAMES: You got to steal
your me time wherever you can,

recharge and get ready
for the next challenge.

- Dance, dance.
Do you wanna wear a hat?

- She doesn’t wear hats.

- Okay. Well,
maybe Janice wears a hat.

- Neither does she.
- Oh!

- Oh, come on.
- Oh. Sorry.

ASTRID: But you can’t hide
from parenting very long.

JAMES: It’s not hiding
to do the dishes.

ASTRID: The dishes
are like a day at the spa,

James, and you know it.

James--
- VIV: Right on my doll!

ASTRID:
James. Okay. Okay. Guys.

FELIX:
I was so far away from you.

VIV:
Oh, you got it on me again!

ASTRID:
Sorry. Sorry. Here.

Ooh.

- Feels like I’ve been
saying this for weeks,

but today is finally,
truly laundry day.

VIV: Mom.

Where’s Mom?

- I don’t know.

That’s why I’m eating this loaf
of bread for a snack.

- Probably in the bathroom.

- You think
I didn’t check there?

- Well, maybe
she’s in a linen closet

trying to make a dress
out of some sheets.

- Oh, yeah. Good idea.

- Hey.
- What are you doing?

- I couldn’t sleep last night,
and so I started reading.

At four chapters in,

it’s the most I’ve read
since Viv was born.

- Nice.
- I need to finish

The Bridgemaker’s
Second Cousin.

[washer rumbling]

ASTRID: It’s so hard to sneak
a moment for yourself

because kids have a weird
kind of parent radar

that they use to track you
and hunt you down

and they smoke you out with
baffling but plausible lies.

- I spilled a bowl
of orange juice.

- What? Where?

- Ha, found you.

Is it hot outside?

- You stalked me
for a weather report?

- Yeah.
Can I play with the hose?

- Yes, please. Take your sister.

- Don’t wear
these clothes, okay?

Just wear
a bathing suit, please.

- Sure.
- [phone chiming]

Viv, they said yes.

- Ugh. I, I forgot I told Dawn
I’d sign for a package

while she and Bo are away.

He’s waiting on some
fancy crochet hooks.

- Today?
- Yeah. I’ll be superfast.

I’ll bring Andrew,
we’ll go in the car.

I’ll be back in time
to help you with the laundry

and before the kids
turn the yard into a bog.

- Okay. I’ll be here.

Indefinitely.

- God damn,
if it isn’t sparkling.

[sighs]

[doorbell chimes]

- That’s about right.

- Package for Bo.
It’s a bit heavy.

- It’s a lot of crochet hooks.

- It needs a signature.

- Okay.

[groaning]

- Nice house.
- Thanks.

I did a lot of horrible
things to get it.

So the delivery window
was supposed to be

between 10:00 and 4:00
and it’s--it’s only just 11:00.

- Now you can get on
with the rest of your day.

- Well, I was just hoping
that the package

would come a bit later,

so could you come back
in an hour or two?

- No.

- Fair.

- Rich people.

- I know, right?

[washer rumbling]

- Hey, hey, I hear you.

Okay. Okay.

Geez.

Oh.

Oh. Oh...

[washer creaking and groaning]

[grunting]

Oh, no, the A/C.

Not the A/C.

No, no, no.
First was the washer,

then the A/C,
then the lights went out.

I already flipped the breakers.

Why is that funny?

Oh, come...

Okay. Well, that’s why
I’m calling you, mate.

You’re the contractor.
Could you--

Okay. When do you think
you can be able to come?

Sorry? Whose birthday is it?

Why wouldn’t you go
to your son’s birthday?

Okay. Well, figure it out
and give a call back, okay?

Thank you.

VIV:
Act natural.

Maybe Daddy won’t notice.

JAMES:
Hey, what’d I...?

- I said swimsuits.
- Not to me.

- These were your last
clean clothes.

- I forgot.

- Well, that’s just great.

- When’s Mom coming home?

- Good question.

- [Andrew cooing]

- [groaning]

Oh, my God.

How long was I out for?

Oh, my God.

[gasping] You let Mommy sleep?

Love you.
- [phone chimes]

Oh, my God.

[doorbell chimes]

What happened?

- I took the street car,
brought the laundry.

- Viv, come back.

Our socks don’t stick
to the floor here.

VIV: I’m in Corey’s room.
It’s so clean.

- Yes. And that’s how Dawn
Auntie likes it,

so don’t make a mess.

- Woo, I was worried about you.

Hey, where’s the thermostat?

Let’s crank the A/C.
- It’s a smart house,

so you just tell it
to lower the temperature.

But let--let’s not mess
with the settings, James.

- House...

- James--
- ...it’s me, James.

- I don’t think it needs
the introduction, but--

- Lower the house--
yourself eight degrees.

Ple--please and thanks.

- Dumb Dad. You have to tap
on this thing.

It controls the whole house.

Lower the A/C eight degrees.

DEVICE:
Cooling to 15 degrees Celsius.

- Oh. How cool is that?

- It’s gonna be
a fridge in here.

Felix, go put on some
of your cousin’s clothes

so you don’t get the house
all dirty, and tell your sister.

- Okay.
- [phone buzzes and chimes]

- Ugh. It’s an oven out there.
Our house is not much better.

Speaking of which,
this is the contractor,

he can swing by, so I’m going
to start the laundry

and then head back.
- Okay.

Well, if he can fix it, then why
don’t we just do it at home?

Everything here
is so new and fancy.

- Exactly.

Maybe here I can finally get
the ramen stains outta my pants.

What’s that?

- Oh, that I--I don’t know.
I don’t know what that is.

- It says "Crocheter’s Edge"
on it. Is that Bo’s package?

Because you said--you said
you were waiting for it?

- No, that’s got to be--yes.

[sighs]
All right. Andrew was asleep

and they say not to wake
a sleeping baby

or their brains will shrink
according to a podcast.

- Were you just chilling?

- No.

[dramatic music playing]

- Is that a brie
and fancy jam situation?

- My blood sugar was dropping

and I needed
something to nibble on.

- Well, nibble on this.

You are gonna go back to our
horrible broken down hothouse

and wait for Mr. Contractor Man,
while me and the kids luxuriate

in your sister’s fancy
A.I. palace, baby.

- Okay, fine. That’s fair.

Take this baby.

- Mm-hmm. Oh.

- Okay.

- Oh, no, no, no. What do you--

Kids are here.
The car’s got to--

got to stay here in case
they need to go to the hospital

or, you know,
wanna get some ice cream.

You know what’s good for you?
A street car.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah, and you can
take your little book.

Also maybe a glass of cold water

because it’s a scorcher
out there.

- Yeah, I will take my book.

I love my book.
- Hey, house.

Play "Bye, Bye, Bye" by NSYNC.

DEVICE: Searching the web
for sync stores in Dubai.

- No, that’s not--no.

- Nailed it.

- [grunting]

- Okay, guys.

- Dad, look, I’m getting swole.

- That’s so cool.
Also, maybe let’s put this down

because it looks very old
and expensive.

Okay guys, I need your help.

I need you to watch Andrew
for me while I’m doing laundry.

- Okay.
- Will you put that out

for me please?
- Yeah.

- Thank you.

Oh, thank you, Felix.

- I found a cupboard
full of all the presents

we ever gave to Corey.

- You what?

- Woah, yeah, there’s toys

and craft things
that he never opened.

- Okay.
- Can we play with them?

- Yes, you can,
’cause Auntie Dawn

is just sitting on those things

ready to re-gift
them back to us anyway

just like she re-gifted back
our bacon maker

we gave her for her wedding.

- I love the bacon maker.

- Baby, we all love
the bacon maker.

Sometimes cool fun things
that everyone loves

stress certain other people out.

Your auntie’s
one of those people.

ASTRID: The downside
of being in a beautiful home

is how when you see
your own home afterward.

It sucks.

[sighs]

[doorbell dings]

Ugh!

Why is everyone so timely
all of a sudden?

- Hi, is your husband here?

- Pardon me?

- Is your husband James?

- Yes, that’s my husband.

But no, he’s not home.
I’m home. Is that a problem?

Do you only do business
with husbands?

- Uh, I’m not
trying to be sexist.

I just--I talked to James
on the phone,

so that’s who I assumed
would be here.

- Well, I’m actually more
handy than James.

I’ve assembled most
of the furniture in this house.

You see that kitchen
faucet over there?

Yeah, I did that.

Nobody helped me.

Well, YouTube helped me
and the video was of a man,

but I did it. I did the work.

Me.

- Can you show me
to the breaker box?

- I don’t know.

Let’s find out.. if I can show you
to the breaker box.

- Should I take off my--
- No.

- Lights on.

Lights on.

[exclaiming]

Play music and give me a weather
report for the next 14 days.

DEVICE: Here’s the weather
for the next 14 days.

Tomorrow, sunny skies

and a high of 34 degrees.
- Yes.

Now we’re understanding
each other, house.

DEVICE:
The day after, sunny skies.

- [exhaling]

So what do you think?

- It’s an old house.
- Yeah.

- Century home.
- Right.

Well, and the wiring
is a century old.

You don’t have enough amperage
for modern energy consumption.

- So, consume less?
Yeah, that’s--I have three kids.

- Well, I can temporarily
fix that for you,

but you can’t run the A/C

and washer and dryer
at the same time.

The house
does need to be rewired.

- Like take out all the walls?

- Yeah, unfortunately.

But it’s necessary,
because old wiring,

it’s like a fire hazard.

- Okay. It’s a bit much.
- Sorry?

- Yeah, fire hazard.
"Fire hazard."

You’re just saying that
to scare me.

Nice sales tactic. [laughs]

Frighten the little lady by,
by suggesting that her family

is gonna go up in flames.
Ooh.

- I will tell your husband
the same thing, ma’am,

- Oh, will you? No, thanks.
Me thinks we can do.

- Well, me thinks I should’ve
gone to my son’s birthday party.

- Our house is a death trap.
- What?

- He said our wires were old.

We need new wires,
which cost a fortune.

- Maybe this is the push
we finally need to move.

I don’t know why we put
more money into that place.

- I never thought there was
anything wrong with our place

until I spent time here alone.

- I know.
It’s so modern, and efficient,

and musical. Watch this.

Make the appliances sing.

[chiming throughout the house]

-[chuckles]

Ooh! [chuckles]

- Mm-hmm.

Everything here sings
and interacts with you.

I feel like Belle
in the Beast’s castle.

- All right. I mean,
maybe we should talk

to a real estate agent.

I mean, it would be really nice
to have more space

without feeling that the kids

are so on top of us
all the time.

- Mm-hmm.

- Where are the kids?

- Well, they’re upstairs
playing in Corey’s room.

- It’s so quiet.

- I know. It’s great.

- It’s too quiet.

- I know it’s bad.

What happened?
- Oh.

- We did a slime kit,
but it kind of got out of hand.

- Where’s Andrew and Viv?
- Oh, don’t worry.

She’s just cleaning him up.

- [inhaling sharply]

- Felix, we need
to get this room

exactly how it was
when we got in here.

Grab the goo, follow me.

Oh, okay.

ASTRID:
Oh, my God.

- Ugh. It feels cool
between your toes.

- [gagging]

- Felix, we do not go
into other people’s houses

and treat it like it’s our own.

You have to respect
other people’s property,

especially when it’s

much, much, much more expensive
than your own.

What?

- It’s okay.

- What--what’s okay?
- Nothing.

I think
I just remembered something.

- What?

- I think maybe
you’re not supposed

to put that down the sink.

- Felix. Why didn’t you
tell me that before?

- I didn’t wanna interrupt.

- Oh.

Okay. Maybe it’s okay.

[bubbling sounds]

[sink groaning]

- [yelping]

JAMES: Astrid?

There’s blue stuff coming up
from the bathtub drain.

That’s our fault, right?

- Oh, my God!

- Hey. So I’m gonna remove
the u-pipe in the kitchen,

clear the blockage,
replace the pipe,

then flush the drains,

and then I can get to work
on the toilet upstairs.

- The toilet?
- It’s clogged.

- Yeah, actually,
Viv flushed goo down the toilet.

Kids.
- Tell me about it.

My son, suddenly he wants
me to go to the party now.

It’s like...
- I’m sorry.

- How much and how long?
- I can do $1,200

in two hours, give or take.

- $1,200?

$1,200?

- You’re free
to get another quote.

- Okay. Sorry.
- I can’t. I, I don’t...

- I got it, honey.
Excuse me now, sir.

Why are you talking to me
and not my wife?

- She was mean to me earlier.

- What?
- Uh-huh.

- I was more terse than mean.

- You have a funny definition
of the word terse,

but I would accept an apology.

- I’m on your side.

You just wait
for your sister to come home.

If that’s what you wanna do.

I’m fine with doing that.

- I’m so sorry.

- Maybe more--
- I’m so sorry.

- There it is.
- Thank you.

I appreciate it.

I can do all this
for, like, $600.

- Okay.

- Well.

A piping we will go.
[chuckles]

- We did it, Mom.

- Corey’s room
was back to being boring.

- We did a very good job.

Andrew might be pooping
a little bit of glitter.

He also helped.

- Good, good. Okay.
Plumbing’s fixed.

- Okay.
- Hey, thank you so much.

And again, I hope you can forget
my terseness from today.

- No problem.

I guess I should use
some of this money

to get a birthday present
for my son.

I don’t know
what to get him, though.

He’s just--
he’s just my half son.

- Aren’t all sons half sons?

- Well, he didn’t come
from my sperm.

- Right. So he’s
an adopted son or a stepson?

- No.

- Okay.

Thanks. Bye-bye now.

- Do you have--okay.

JAMES:
No. Yeah, thanks.

- Hey, great job, everyone.
Really good job.

Good work here.

DAWN: Yes,
great work, everyone.

- Dawn, where are you?

DAWN:
I’m in Buenos Aires, silly.

I can access our smart house
through my phone.

- You can see us?

DAWN:
We’ve been watching all day.

Grab the iPad,
you’ll see us too.

- Okay. Oh.

DAWN:
Hola mia familia!

Bo and Corey send their love.

- Greetings, earthlings.

- [laughs]
Corey, you’re wild.

Greetings, earthlings.

- Dawn, I’m, I’m so sorry
we messed your house up today.

DAWN:
Oh, well, I’ll admit.

I was calling the police
until the promethazine

for my altitude sickness
kicked in and I hung up.

But for the past half hour,

I feel like I’ve been watching
a funny TV show.

- Yeah, it’s much more amusing
than Buenos Aires the 7th time.

Yawn.

Hi.
- Yup. Okay.

We’re gonna go now,

but thank you
for your amazing house.

- Kiss. Kiss.

Bye.

- Bye, Dawn.

ASTRID: Having kids
means you don’t get

as much time for yourself.

It’s a demanding job
with unreasonable clients.

Here we go.

JAMES: Oh, my God.

This laundry room
is filled with glitter.

DAWN:
We’re still watching.

- Hey! Nice one, kiddo.
- Thanks.

ASTRID: But you don’t wanna be
away from your kids that much.

They’re fun to hang out with

and you don’t wanna miss
any big moments.

FELIX: Butthead.

- Excellent compound word,
honey.

FELIX: Thank you.

- Way to think
outside the box, buddy.

- Really good job.
Really good job.

JAMES: If you don’t take
breaks, you’re gonna burn out.

- Let’s play hide and seek.
- You’re it, Daddy.

ASTRID:
So when playing hide and seek,

maybe it takes you a little
longer to find the kids.

JAMES: Yeah, ooh, or when you go
to get groceries,

go alone
and enjoy a leisurely stroll.

ASTRID: Yes.
Or listen to an audio book

while you do the dishes.

Finding moments for yourself
is worth it, usually.

What? She just dies?

What a dumb book.

- Is that the guy with the bomb?

- No. That was a different show,
I think.

I actually forget
what we’re watching.

- Let’s just put on Cake Idiots.

We’ll watch plot and character
when Andrew’s in kindergarten

or college, or when our brains
brain again.

- Unfortunately, I think I left
the remote in the kitchen

when I got that beer.

- Mm...

- Hey TV, turn on Cake Idiots.

No.
- Nope. Nope.

- Because of our dumb house,
I got to use my stupid legs.

- Oh, lucky for me,
I have a smart husband.

Husband, get the remote.

- Don’t care for this bit.

- Husband, get me a beer.
- Okay.

- Husband,
activate foot massage mode.

Husband,
started enjoying this bit.

- It’s working.

SINGER: ♪ I love my kids
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything
kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything
kids ruin everything... ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I got kids in my face ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ That children
ruin everything ♪

♪ Na, na, na
na, na, na, na, thing ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this... ♪