All language subtitles for Children Ruin Everything S01E01 Meals 1080p NF WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-DJSF_track3_[eng]

♪♪

Felix: Oh my God, Viv!
Look at all the mess you made!

(Overlapping muted voices echo)

(Children continue arguing)

Viv: Like you even know
how to make breakfast!

- (Waking groans)

(Overlapping muffled arguing)
Viv: Get me out of here!

- Oh!

- (Yawns)

(Children continue arguing)

- (Groans)
(Clattering sound)

(Truck rattles and bangs)

- Astrid?
- Yes, I'm fine,

let's do this, I'm up.
Oh, you're not with them?

- No, I thought they were
with you.

Not that it's your job,
it's both of ours, I just...

thought they were with you
at this moment.

- Relax, James,
it's not like anyone exploded.

- Viv wet the bed again.
- One exploded,

still, pretty good.
- (Shrill scream)

Felix: Look at the mess
you made!

You're cleaning this up.

I put you in jail for a reason!

- I could get out
whenever I want!

- No, you can't!
- You're cuckoo!

- You're cuckoo!
- You are!

- Okay, Viv, Viv! Come out from
the coats, please, come on.

- Felix, what are you doing
here? Come on, Buddy.

- I put her in jail.
She's dumb.

- Yeah, you can't call
your sister dumb,

anyone overhears that, you're
gonna get cancelled very hard.

- W-What's burning?
Did you burn cereal?

- I'm making eggs.
(Fire alarm beeps)

- Oh my God! Oh my God.
- Oh, okay! Come on!

All right. Here we go.
Back up, back up.

Astrid: There's a lot of
research out there that shows

people with kids are less happy
than people without kids.

And look, it's hard
to argue with the facts.

Before kids, we had this...

(Man in movie yells)
- (Screams, laughs)

(Meter tone rises)

Astrid: Now, we have this.

(Snack clatters)

(Meter tone lowers)

James: Before,
it was kinda like this.

(Meter tone rises, boing)

Now, it's more like this.

(Meter tone lowers)

Astrid: And we swapped this...
- Oh yeah!

Astrid: for this...

(Rhythmic farting noises)
(Meter tone lowers)

James: So it's very possible
that these big idiots

have made a huge mistake by
having these little idiots.

Astrid: Idiots like us.

These are our kids,
Felix, and Vivian.

I'm Astrid, this is James.
James: And I'm James.

Oh, you already-- ohh!
Now there's two of them.

Astrid: No! Anyway.

Are parents really less happy
than childless people?

James: How do you even
measure happiness?

Astrid: Well, that's where
I can help, you see,

before becoming a full-time
mom, I was a data analyst.

So I take raw,
quantifiable data,

like money, free time,

uninterrupted minutes
on the toilet,

and I present it in ways
that people can understand.

But what about the data
you can't measure?

Like, joy, pride,

and like, good vibes, man?
Shouldn't that count, too?

James: Yeah, right?
I mean, maybe we don't have

as much money or time or fun,
but we do have...

Astrid: You know, kids.

(Toys clatter)

- Yeah, that stuff can
just go on the floor.

- Think of the floor
as one big shelf.

- The kids certainly do.
- Chuck emailed me last night.

- Hey! How is old Chucky?
- That's my old boss.

- Yeah, I didn't know,
you caught me.

- He said my job's available
in a few months

if I'm ready to go back.
- Oh my, that's amazing!

Do you want-- it's totally up
to you, we need the money.

- Yes, no, I'm definitely
going back. I need to earn!

And also, my brain is turning
to mush. The other day I forgot

the word "Japan."
- That was today.

- Well, when I'm a working girl,

I'll never forget Japan again.
So I just need to let him know.

- Viv's hogging the red crayons!

- No, I'm not!

- Okay guys,
we're having coffee,

this is our time, remember?
- Yeah, you guys shouldn't be

drawing anyway unless
you're ready for school,

are you ready for school?
- I need underwear.

- Uh, Buddy,
you're wearing pants.

- Yeah, that's called
"going commando!"

That can't be right, they
for sure wore underwear.

- No, "bareback?" No, that's
not right, either. "Raw Dog!"

- Mm, ah... uh, you know
what we should do?

- Hm? (Gasps) Yes!
- We should celebrate.

- A nice dinner,
just you and me.

- Do you think we can find
a last-minute babysitter

that can handle Viv?

- Well, the kids can't come.
Breakfast this morning

was like a Viking's banquet.
- No, it's normal.

My sister and I used
to have wet bread fights.

- I'd like to go to a nice
place, you know,

where they don't let you
throw wet bread.

- Um, I thought you said it was
supposed to be a celebration.

Felix: Where's my lunch?

- Okay, well, all
the babysitters are booked.

Anyway, aren't you going
to Ennis' tonight?

- I'll just bail.

I mean, we should do something
nice, we never do that anymore.

- What? Didn't we just have
that turkey cranberry thing?

- Christmas dinner?

- Why don't we order
a fancy pizza?

- No, no, no, no.
That's not nice enough.

I'm gonna make us
the pork shoulder thing,

and you are gonna love it.

- So do I have to buy
the stuff for that today?

- Mm, no, I-- mm, yes, yes.
Yes, please.

- Ah, what?
- Your coffee, your coffee!

- No! There's caffeine in that.

- Tonight we celebrate
two incomes!

- Yatta! That means ah,
"we did it" in um...

place.
- You can do it.

- Japan!
- There it is!

- Bye.

(Traffic rumbles)

- So do you like that one?
You wanna do that one?

- Hello, Astrid.
- Oh! Dawn, hi.

- I'm so surprised to see you
in here.

This place is so overpriced.

I mean, nine dollars
for mustard?

(Scoffs)

- Yes, well,
it's a special occasion,

we're splurging on an animal
who's seen the sunlight.

Say hi to Dawn Auntie.

- Hi, your cousin Corey and
Uncle Bo are over there

looking at bone broth.
- Go on.

Bo: Hey!
- Oh, how's Bo?

Good to see him smiling.

- Having a nervous breakdown
and being ousted

from his own company
was the best thing

that's ever happened to him.
He loves homeschooling Corey,

and uh, oh, he's teaching
himself to craft.

- Oh, did he craft
that fun hat?

- Still learning.
- Hmm.

- So, um, what's the occasion?

- Uh, well, in a few months,
I'm going back to work.

Paid work.
- Astrid!

- I know.
- This is fantastic.

Have you told Mom yet?

She's worried you betrayed
your feminist ideals.

- No, I didn't betray anything.

I stayed home because James
makes more money

because he has a valuable penis
and I have a garbage vagina.

Please don't tell Mom,

because I-I really don't need
the career advice.

- Oh, you don't want to hear
about what make-up to wear

or how shiny your work clothes
should be?

- No, I've already heard
about how shiny

my at-home clothes should be.
- Oh, speaking of Mom,

did you get her email
about the vegan food truck

in the park, I think she read
it on BlogTO?

(Dawn's voice fades)

("I Only Have Eyes for You"
by The Flamingos plays)

♪ My love must a kind
of blind love ♪

♪♪

♪ I can't see anyone but... ♪

- (Shrill scream)

Man: What's going on?!
- Hey, hey, hey.

- Does she know how to breathe?
Really breathe?

- Yes, she's an ace breather,
Bo, thank you.

- (Breathes deeply)
It's natural, kiddo.

All this stuff used
to be animals.

- Okay, well, she's just never
seen a decapitated animal

before, have you?
- Oh, oh.

- Okay, maybe we skip
the meat for today, huh?

(Phones ring)

- Hey James,
I sent you a work email.

- You sent me a work email?
Okay.

- Eh! Ennis! You cannot send me
deep-fake nudes of myself.

- I'm an artist.
Are you confirmed for tonight?

You're confirmed, right?
- Yeah, no,

I'm gonna try and make it, yes.
- No, no!

That is the battle cry
of the no-show.

- I-I have a family thing.
- So come after!

It's not complicated!
Why am I the only one working

at this friendship?
- Nice nudes, James.

- Hey Marla, this is not--
this is a joke.

- Yeah, I know, relax.
Ennis already sent them to me.

- How's it going, boss?

- Considering what a goldmine
the pandemic has been

for the grocery world,

I'd say it's going pretty
frickin' well.

- Except for the-- you know,
the death and the illness

though, right?
- Sure.

But we're opening four
new franchises

in the next 15 months.
I could kiss Covid.

- That's definitely
how you get it.

- We're gonna sweat,
and we're gonna bleed,

and we're gonna cry, and who
knows what fluids we'll leak,

but once we crush
these openings,

this gal is gonna be a VP!

- Awesome! Is there anything
you needed?

- Just your hard work,
your loyalty,

and James, you're gonna need
those balls.

- Uh, not mine.
(Groans)

- Why did she point at me
when she said fluids?

- I'm asking Astrid.
- Don't hide behind Astrid.

You promised you would come,
and now you're using

your family as an excuse
to suck.

(Phone buzzes)
- She says I can go, it's cool.

- Great! Okay.
Hey, give me your buy-in

so I know you're locked in.

It's a new policy.

(Crickets chirp)

James: This is a very special
dinner,

because we're celebrating Mom
going back to work.

Astrid: Yes, celebration pasta.

No meat at all, Viv.
- I like meat.

- Okay, because this morning,
you...

you know what, never mind.

I'm just gonna blow
right past that one.

- Okay, let's raise our glasses
to mummy,

- Ah!

- who put her career on hold,
a big sacrifice

that mostly women have to make
because we live in a patriarchy

- James.
- and it's--

- Yep, nope, let's focus.
Here it is.

Cheers-ing.
- Ah, the cheers.

- The cheers to you, and to
you, and to you, and to you.

- And to you, and to all of us.
- And to all of us.

- Okay, now, Felix--

- (Giggles) Cheers!

Cheers! Cheers!
(Glasses clink)

- Hey Felix, did something
happen at school today

that maybe made you feel proud?
- Pee-a-reah diarrhea!

- Felix, your father's
asking you a question.

- Diarrhea!

- Okay, buh-buh-buh-bup!
Let's just sit down, and uh,

commence the civilized meal.
- Toilet!

(Both children giggle)

- Toilet is a toilet word, Viv.
(Cutlery clatters)

Astrid: I'll be the first
to admit

that children are naturally...
jerks.

- (Screams)
- (Barks)

Astrid: As parents, you have
to stop jerk behavior

or it will get worse and worse
as they get older.

James: And the world
has enough adult jerks.

So, you know,
please do your part.

- My name is D.J. Poopy
in the house!

Viv: My name is D.J. Pee-pee
in the house.

- Hey guys, we don't need
to make the bread...

pee and poo.
- Okay, that's enough.

Viv, go back to your seat.
Sit down in your seat.

Felix, eat your food.
- Eat your food.

- Viv, okay, let's sit down,
let's enjoy mummy's great meal.

- I don't want it.
It's gross.

- Ewwwwww!
Astrid: All right, enough!

Enough! Everybody calm down!

(Dog barks in the distance)

Now, this is really important
to mummy and daddy.

Do you understand that?

So I promise you that
if we just stay in our seats,

and we don't yell at each other
and we don't make gross noises,

- (Blows raspberry)

- I promise that we can have
a really nice time.

- I love it.
- So how about this?

How about we reset this dinner?

Okay? A do-over.
- Do-over!

- Yeah. Okay?
- Mm-hmm!

- Starting with the cheers.
Okay?

- Do-over!
- Right, cheers, everybody.

Ready? Cheers.

(Glass shatters)
- Oh my God! Okay, okay!

- Oh my God, don't move!
- Everyone stand still.

Stand still! Stand still! Don't
move, there's glass everywhere,

if it gets in your eyes,
that's it for your eyes,

You need your eyes!
- (Crying loudly)

- James! Shit.

- Toilet word!
- (Exasperated exhale)

- (Sighs heavily)

- Well, we'll try again
when they're teenagers.

- Do you have to go to Ennis'?
- Yeah. I already bought in,

and he gave me a whole thing
about bailing, so.

- If you stay I'll make it
worth your while.

- The sad thing is that
this is working on me.

- Like a little bit of this?
- Oh yeah!

These are all the moves,
these are all my favorites.

- (Laughs)
- I've got glass in my bum.

- Uh, no, I don't--

- No, I don't think you have
glass in your bum, Buddy.

- Yes, I do, it's cutting me!
I can feel it right now!

- It seems unlikely because
you were wearing pants, and--

- No, yeah, it seems--
- There is!

You have to get it out.

- Okay, okay, okay.
How 'bout this?

I think before daddy goes
to have fun with his friends,

maybe he should check your bum
for glass.

♪♪

- It can be a little
depressing, but...

oh, look at her.
- Whoa, whoa, slow down.

- Not bad. You gotta move fast
- Well, ah--

- or else you'll never find
what you're looking for.

- Well, how you making
decisions this quick?

What's wrong with her?
- She's wearing a sweater

at the beach.
- What about-what about--

- I don't know,
you know she does cartwheels.

- Go back, can you go back?
- Ironic--no,

you don't want to
you gotta pay extra to do that.

- Is that her dog?
- Okay, now, see this one?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, you think yoga pose

means bendy in a sexy way,
but really it means a lot

of conversations about how
you don't drink enough water.

How's Astrid?
- Uh, no, yeah, she's great.

She actually, she's going
back to work.

We tried to celebrate tonight,
but uh,

Felix and Viv are going through
a sabotage phase.

- Well, I keep telling you,
having kids is a huge mistake.

- Yeah, and I thought you'd
stop telling me that

once I had them.

- Well, they keep proving
my point. But unlike your kids,

I can actually help.

I have a reservation
tomorrow night at Fauf9.

It's a phenomenal new place.
But I can't go

because my dodge ball team
made the playoffs.

- What? You still play ironic
sports?

- I take my dodge ball
very seriously.

Try to hit me with that pillow.
- No.

- Smart choice.
You would've missed.

- So this-this-- all right.
- Fauf.

- is it expensive? Because last
month I got a parking ticket

and I couldn't afford deodorant.

- I'll tell you what, play
your cards right tonight,

and maybe you can win
the cash you need.

♪ Ah, yeah... ♪

♪ Rollin' dices nightly
We be out ♪

- I need-I need a hay.
- I'll--

- No, that's a sheep, bro.
- Do you have any sheep?

(Laughing)
- Right.

- Don't! Not-not on--
- You know where to put it!

You know where to put it!
- Oh ho ho ho!

- That is gonna come back to
haunt you, I don't know how!

- All right, sheep for you.

♪ Call your party
She bring friends ♪

♪ You wanna bring friends
We need a friendship ♪

(Dice rattles)
All: Ohhh!

- Always fun.
- I said I needed sheep.

♪ When we get to the crib
I'ma... ♪

♪ Musta had a night
You get my sin ♪

- Five!
- Oh okay-okay-okay-okay.

- What's up.
- Anything.

- Just so you know,
I am four points away

from being your champion
for the evening.

- James and I only need
one point.

- I've faced worse odds.
Are you done?

- I need a wheat.
- Oh, I have wheat.

- I have wood.
Wood for wheat.

- I don't need wood.
I need sheep.

- Okay, stop, stop, stop.
But if I had a wheat,

I could uh, build a town.
- Yeah.

- You know, the kind of town
that one might

take their wife out on.
- Well, in this economy,

wheat will cost you a sheep.

- Help me out here.
- That's a good price.

- He won't make the deal.
- It's no wheat off my back.

- Wonderful!
- What?

- I am now able to make
the longest road.

- What?!
- A winning move!

- Are you serious? Where? Oh!
- Yeah, come on, come on!

- I wish I won.
- I still want the reservation.

♪ You need it, I'm gonna
give you what you want ♪

♪ You need it, I'm gonna give
you what you want ♪

(Birds chirp, lawnmower buzzes)

(Footsteps rustle)

(Light thuds)
- Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

- Listen, may I just- grrr!

- Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
- Oh! Can I have an hour?

- Yeah, I already gave you
an hour.

It's your turn
to battle the kids.

- You can't win!
- 30 minutes.

- No! You can't go out
with your friends

and sleep 'til 9:30, get up.
- But wait, wait! Time, time!

I made a reservation at Fauf9,
very nice, hard to get into.

Dinner, just the two of us.

- Did you book a babysitter?
- Uh... ow! Okay, okay, okay!

I texted your Mom!
I texted your Mom!

- What?
- I--

- The last time my mother was
here, they were eating bowls

of whipped cream and watching
a "Fast and the Furious" movie!

- I know, Felix ruined
the ending for me.

- Shaw killed Seoul-Oh!
- Yes, and...

Shaw killed me as well,
I feel like.

- Okay fine, but just so you
know, Viv is pretending

to water a garden by pouring
milk on the couch,

so you're dealing with that.
Okay!

- Oh my God!

(Traffic rumbles, siren wails)

(Birds chirp)

- Watch me! I'm mummy!

And I'm cleaning!

- No, daddy cleans, too.

It's everyone's job
to tidy the house.

Felix, tidy the slide.
Both of you clean it.

(Children shout playfully)

(Phone buttons beep)

(Line rings)

Chuck: Hello?
- Chuck!

Hi, it's Astrid.

- Hi, how are you?
How's the family?

- I'm good, I'm good,
Yeah, they're good.

Listen, I was just, I was just
calling because I wanted

to take you up on that
job offer.

- So you're coming back?
- Yes!

- Well, that's great news!

("I Only Have Eyes for You"
by The Flamingos plays)

♪ Are the stars out tonight ♪

- (Giggles)

♪ I don't know
if it's cloudy or... ♪

- Stop! Stop it! Stop it!
- What?

- No, no, not you.
(Laughs) Sorry. No, not you.

Yes, I would-- I'll totally
learn the new software.

- Great.
- Yeah, that would be amazing.

- I'll be in touch with you.
- Thank you.

(Bicycle bell rings,
spokes rattle)

- Hey, I'm cleaning this part.

- Nanima's here! (Laughs)
I'm here to save the day!

- Hi!
- Hello, Beta.

- Thank you so much
for babysitting.

You know the rules, no boys,
don't touch the thermostat.

- This is for lunch
and dinner tomorrow.

Aloo Gobi for you, Bitoo.
My little vegetarian.

- She's not a ve- what?

- And gummy candies
for the kids.

Ooh! Have they seen the movie
"Pan's Labyrinth?"

- That's not a kid's movie.
- We'll see.

And congratulations
on your job!

Dawn was worried you'd given up
on your feminist ideals.

- What? No!
- Oh! I forgot to tell you,

I ran into Christine's mom
in High Park!

- I haven't seen Christine
in like, 20 years.

- Well, her brother's
a gambling addict,

and he stole Margo's van.
So that's where she's at.

- Okay, uh, yeah.

- Okay, well, why don't you go
get changed for your big night.

- This is what I'm wearing.

- You don't have something
shinier?

- Uh-oh, the in-laws,
get outta here, Nisha!

- You ruined my daughter's
life, you sack of crap!

- Oh my God! Okay.
- That's-- okay, yeah.

- Let's-- put a little extra
mustard on that one this time.

- (Laughs)
We're just having fun.

♪♪

- Oh-oh. Are we under-dressed?
- Almost always.

- Hello, uh, we have
a reservation for eight

under Ennis, I think.

- It looks like you guys
are already here.

- Hmm?

- No, it's more like re-odorant.

(Both laugh)
You know what I mean?

Thank you very much.
- Hi, Ennis.

- Hi.

Right.

I was supposed to give you
this table.

James: Mm-hmm.
- But then I met Penelope here

while I was at Zara
shopping for socks.

- Good evening.
- Hmm, what's this?

- Astrid, you look great.
- Thank you.

You know, I just dressed up

because I was looking forward
to the night out.

- Yeah, I thought you guys
couldn't afford this place.

- We can't.
- Yeah!

We're only here because you
gave us the reservation!

- Well, what do you want me
to do?

(Cutlery clinks)

(Buzz of patron chatter)

- James, how's your duck?

- It's great, Ennis, thank you.

- That's good.

- So, Penelope, um,
you work at Zara?

- No. I work for an NGO.
I help develop non-GMO

enriched rice for developing
countries.

- Wow. That's cool.

Sounds... fulfilling.
- Yeah, it really is.

How about you?
- Oh, uh, job-wise?

Um, I'm, I'm a data analyst
for the city.

Well, I was, right now
I'm just... just a mom.

- Well, no such thing as just
a mom, she's amazing.

- You guys have kids?
I love kids.

- You do?

Oh yeah, that's great.
(Phone vibrates)

- (Gasps) Oh my God.

Um, my Mom's saying
something's wrong.

She says it's Felix.
- Oh.

- It's- it's his stomach.
- She said that?

Oh, it's a stabbing pain.
He's in tears!

- Oh my God, did he actually
eat glass last night?

(Dishes rattle, chairs rasp)
- Oh!

(Running footsteps recede)

- I'll get the check.
(Awkward chuckle)

♪♪

- So hungry.

Yeah.

(Food crunches)

- He didn't eat the food
after the glass broke.

- I did. Somebody had to.

- Do you need help?
- Oh!

Could you just hold him
for a second?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you.

- Remember when Viv
ate a spider?

Just smashed it up with a block

and put it in her mouth
like a Godzilla. (Laughs)

♪ I don't know
if it's cloudy or bright ♪

♪ I only have eyes ♪

♪ For you ♪

- I wanna have another baby.

- I'll just take him back now.

- Sure.
- Since when?

- Since I can't stop
thinking about it.

- Wha... what?

We agreed on two!
And we did it!

We got one of each gender.

That's like the perfect--
I mean, I know gender

is a spectrum and there's more-
- Okay, but I just--

I can't shake this feeling
that someone is missing.

Like our family
is not totally complete.

- Well, can we try getting
a guinea pig

and seeing if that hits
the spot?

I mean, what about going back
to work? What about money?

You know, I'm almost 40,

and we're just starting
to go back out again.

- I get that it doesn't
make sense.

I'm just telling you how I feel.

- And I appreciate that.
And I support how you feel.

But I feel the opposite.

Doctor: Mr. And Mrs. Berney?
- Yes.

- I had a look at the X-rays,
and I haven't been able

to locate any glass,
so that's good.

- Oh yeah, we didn't find any
when we checked his bum.

- Yeah, "we."
- The intestines are here.

And you see these black circles
here and here.

- Wait, w-why are they so
perfectly round like that?

What are the black circles?
- It's gas.

He just needs to vacate the gas
and he'll probably feel fine.

- So you're prescribing a fart.
- Yes.

A warm bath or gently
massaging--

- No, no, he knows how.
He'll be thrilled.

- Thank you.

Astrid: So are the studies
right?

Are parents less happy
than the childless people

who have all their free time
and money to themselves?

Probably.
James: Definitely.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Look at this, it's the who's
who of the vegan food scene!

- Hi! You made it, oh!

James: Being a parent can suck.

Every injury, every heartache,
every mess - you're in charge.

- I'm sorry you didn't get to
celebrate going back to work.

- I'm celebrating now.

- Oh, yes, we are. To Astrid.

- To Astrid.
- To Astrid. Cheers.

Astrid: But there are moments,
incredible moments,

that you can't find
anywhere else.

Life isn't always as fun
or cool as it was before.

James: Never. Not even close.

But those moments very nearly
make up for it.

Astrid: So we just try to have
as many as we can.

James: She means moments.
Not kids.

Astrid: You don't know
what I mean.

- Okay, all right, that's nice.

Yeah. Okay, hi. Hi.

(Viv and Felix giggle)

- There's like four of them.
- Okay.

See? That's yours.
Yeah? Okay?

- Try to hit me with one
of those pillows.

- No, I...
- No, go ahead.

- Give it a shot,
see how fast I can move.

- I'll believe you,
I choose to believe you.

- No, lesson learned,
no, go ahead. Go ahead.

- Ready? See how fast I can
move? See? Oh!

- Well, that's in the-
see, that's not allowed.

You can't hit me in the face.
So, that's how I get ya.

- Okay.

♪ I love my kids
But kids ruin everything ♪

(Everything)
♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids
But kids ruin everything ♪

(Everything)
♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I've got kids in my bed ♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ Children ruin everything ♪

♪♪

♪ I never knew but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this sh-- ♪