All language subtitles for Dharma & Greg - 02x14 - Dharma & Greg on a Hot Tin Roof.DVDRip.XviD-SAiNTS.English.edit.Addic7ed.com

Okay. Go ahead.

l can't do this. The sales guy will
never believe l'm from the South.

Then he'll think you're crazy.
lt's more fun shopping anyway. . .

. . .and sometimes they give you
free stuff just to get rid of you. Go on.

Excuse me, son.

-Yes.
-l'm looking for a nine iron.

Non-on?

What my husband means to say
is that he is in need of a nine iron.

Yes. l'm looking for a new nine iron.

l'm sorry.

You know, a nine iron.
Six, seven, eight, nine iron.

-Oh, a nine iron.
-Nine iron, yes.

-They're right over there.
-Thank you.

Damn Yankees.

l know what you're saying. lt's
impossible to understand these people.

-That's true.
-Where y'all hail from?

Memphis. Where the hell you from?

Oh, hail from. That's very good.

Well, we're pert near neighbors.
l'm from Knoxville.

ls that right?
Did you hear that, stinkbug?

-This man is a Knoxidian.
-Yeah.

Born and raised.
What part of Memphis are you from?

Well, what part of Memphis
would a man such as myself be from?

-Exactly.
-Exactly!

Allow me to introduce myself.
l'm Judge Samuel Harper.

Judge Samuel Harper,
the new Federal Court judge.

Guilty as charged.
How did you know that?

l'm with the U.S. Attorney's Office.

l believe l have a motion
you're hearing in the morning.

ls that so?

-And your name is?
-My name?

-Tell him your name, butterbug.
-My name is Gregory Montgomery.

Well, it's nice to meet you,
Mr. Montgomery.

-And this lovely flower is?
-Dharma.

Dharma Jean.

Dharma Jean.
You're a very lucky man, sir.

Yes, sir, l am.

And it is at moments like this l am made
keenly aware of just how lucky l am.

So then it turns out he has to appear
before this judge tomorrow morning.

He seems to be taking it pretty well.

He's been rocking like that
since we got home.

-You think he'll stay that way?
-l don't know.

l'm gonna go get my camera.

Honey? You wanna talk about it now?

-No.
-You know, it's not that big a deal.

You just have to get there, like,
five minutes early and just explain--

l was mocking him
and his entire culture?

You weren't mocking.
You were making believe.

Okay.

And after he destroys me in court,
l can make believe l still have a career.

Hi, Greg Montgomery, attorney at law.
These two gentlemen are my clients.

Okay. Were my clients.

Just tell him the truth.
l'm sure he'll get a kick out of it.

-What are you talking about?
-Don't worry.

When l get a chance
l'll ask for a sidebar.

-What's it about?
-lt's not important.

ls it about me?

Are you gonna tell the judge
l went to a Caribbean law school?

No. Now, just cool it.

-Tell me what the sidebar is about.
-lt has nothing to do with the case.

Then l might know something
about it.

All rise.

Sit down. l'm not the queen.

-Good morning, counselors.
-Howdy, judge.

How's that?

Howdy, Your Honor?

Howdy?

Howdy?

What are you implying, that l'm
some sort of ignorant Southerner. . .

. . .who doesn't understand
proper English?

lf you wish to address me,
say ''hello. ''

Yes, sir, Your Honor. Hello.

The one thing l will not tolerate. . .

. . .is the ridiculing of the melodic
speech patterns of my people.

Don't you agree, Mr. Montgomery?

Sure enough, Your Honor.

''Sure enough''?
What the hell you doing?

Now, the defense has made a motion
here for a change of venue.

Does the United States have
any response to this motion?

Yes, Your Honor, l've examined
counsel's motion and l find it spurious.

lt clearly does not meet
the requirements of 1 8 USC 34.

So what you're saying, Mr. Montgomery,
is that dog won't hunt?

No, sir, that dog is a vegetarian.

Vegetarian. Very good.

What are you doing?

Maybe they didn't teach you this
at the Bob Marley School of Law. . .

. . .but sometimes you have
to butter up the judge.

Continue, Mr. Montgomery.

lf l might beg the court's indulgence,
but as it is unseasonably warm in here. . .

. . .l was wondering if there'd be any
objection to my continuing. . .

. . .in my shirtsleeves?

l don't see as how that can affect
the dignity of these proceedings.

Thank you, Your Honor.

-Will you tell me what's going on?
-What?

-The accent.
-What accent?

The learned attorney for the defense. . .

. . .has presented us with a motion that is
filled with all kinds of legal hoo-hah.

Prejudicial this, fair trial that.

Frankly, when l read the thing,
l was more mixed up. . .

. . .than a basketful of puppies
on a Ferris wheel.

Well, l do declare,
a full day of lawyering. . .

. . .has made me hungrier
than a tick on a teddy bear.

-That was fun, wasn't it?
-l can't believe l got away with it.

Boy, did you dodge a bullet.

Now all l have to do is avoid his
courtroom until he dies and l'll be fine.

Let's celebrate.

Let's go to dinner in Chinatown
and pretend we're French.

What do you mean l cannot smoke
in your restaurant? l am French.

Oh, yes, that is fantastic,
my little soupe du jour.

But what if we meet a French judge?

l'll give him a cigarette
and make love to his wife.

l can wear your beret.

How do, Dharma Jean?

Well, slap my butt and call me baby.

Gregory, look who came a calling.

Not now, maa cherie. Send them away.

l just dropped by to bring you all
a little taste of home.

Oh, that's so thoughtful of you.

Those are genuine Georgia pecans.

Well, that's right neighborly.

-Please, come on in.
-Mighty kind of you.

One thing l miss about being back home
is folks just dropping in on one another.

Yeah, around these parts
people are always calling first.

Dang them callers.

Hey, honey, why don't you take
your chapeau off and stay a while?

Oh, l've got people in New Orleans.

-Where?
-New Orleans.

Whereabouts?

Bourbon and Water Streets.

Look at us, just sitting here yakking.

Where are our manners? Can l get
you anything to wet your whistle?

Well, l wouldn't decline
the offer of some sweet tea.

Then sweet tea it is.

Come help me make some
sweet tea, sweet pea.

Make yourself at home.
The Nashville Network is 79.

What the heck is sweet tea?

l don't know. l would guess tea
with some sort of sweetener.

Well, hot or cold?

Put ice and sugar on the side
and see what he does.

Excellent.

Man, if he asks for grits,
we're screwed.

What are we doing? This is ridiculous.

Yeah. You know what,
this ends here and now.

-We tell him?
-We tell him.

Judge, there's something
we have to tell you.

Oh, excuse me.

l was just getting a little misty-eyed here
thinking about how. . .

. . .my wife and l used to sit on the porch
and shell pecans.

Used to?

Oh, how l miss that woman.

After she died, l moved out here to try
to get away from all those memories.

Until l met you two
l didn't realize how lonely l've been.

l'm sorry.

You know, Gregory, maybe this sounds
like a silly old man to you. . .

. . .but when l saw you
in that courtroom today. . .

. . .a young, proud,
Southern attorney. . .

. . .l thought to myself:

''This is the son l never had. ''

Now, what was it
you wanted to tell me?

We're all out of grits.

Greg ate the last two.

-Thanks for the nuts.
-Yeah, y'all come back now, you hear?

Oh, God.

Well, this is kind of a funny
turn of events, isn't it?

Oh, God.

Oh, honey, you're not gonna start
rocking again, are you?

Why did you tell him we'd go fishing
with him tomorrow?

Excuse me, who bragged about
catching a mess of catfish. . .

. . .using nothing but sweet talk
for bait?

l was being Southern.
We're a storytelling people.

Well, what do you wanna do now,
Huckleberry?

l guess we'll go fishing with him in the
morning and then l'll tell him the truth.

Come on, let's go to bed.

-l can't.
-Why not?

Because l promised him l'd whup up. . .

. . .some of my prize-winning
hushpuppies for lunch.

-l'll give you a hand.
-Thanks.

-Hey, Greg?
-Yeah?

-What's a hushpuppy?
-Oh, God.

Come on, everybody.

Come on, Greg, sing.

Look, l'm sorry. l just--
l couldn't find the right time to tell him.

You're right. We were only sitting on
that cold rock for, what? Seven hours?

Were you this sarcastic before you
met me or is this something l've done?

Little you, little your mother.

Okay. When he comes over
for dinner on Friday. . .

. . .l'll get a couple of drinks in him,
then l'll tell him.

Good plan.

Smooth.

This is the only thing my
good-for-one-thing brother is good for.

Yahtzee!

Dharma Jean,
l believe we're playing checkers.

Checkers.

You about ready for a refill, son?

Son?

Gregory.

The drinking age
should be raised to 50.

-Poor baby. Have some orange juice.
-Thank you.

-You don't feel so good, do you?
-Feels like a monkey crapped in my skull.

Well, at least l finally
told the judge the truth.

Oh, no, Greg, you didn't.

-l didn't? l'm sure l did.
-Well, unless it happened. . .

. . .while he was holding your head
over the toilet, l don't think you did.

Oh, no.

You still have a chance.
He wants to go line dancing Saturday.

-Okay, l'll tell him after.
-Why don't you tell him before?

Well, l kind of like line dancing.

You kind of like the judge too,
don't you?

Yeah. lt's nice being
the son someone never had.

l just wish l had
an honest relationship with him.

Well, l mean, if it helps any. . .

. . .you don't exactly have an honest
relationship with your real father.

True. And that's working out
pretty good.

Honey, why is our address written
on my chest in lipstick?

Because when the judge left,
you kept running outside naked.

l was afraid l was gonna lose you.

Very funny. And you put the stamp
on my nipple.

Oh, no, that's something
you came back with.

-Oh, doggie, that was fun.
-lt sure was.

l haven't danced like that
in 25 or 30 pounds.

Your Honor,
l hope you weren't uncomfortable.

We had no idea
it was a gay country bar.

Heck, no. l thought some of them fellas
was fine dressers and fancy dancers.

l particularly liked meeting
that TV weatherman.

Oh, he liked you too.

Not half as much as he liked Gregory.

-You were the belle of the ball, son.
-Thank you, thank you.

You know, judge, Reba McEntire's
coming into town next weekend. . .

. . .and she's performing
at the Cow Palace.

How about we get some tickets?

-Next weekend?
-Yeah, l'll treat.

Well, heck, l--

l was fixing
to tell y'all this tomorrow. . .

. . .but l'm gonna be
busy packing next weekend.

-Packing?
-l'm moving back to Tennessee.

How come?

Spending this time with y'all
for the last few weeks. . .

. . .made me realize
just how much l miss home.

Well, l sure am sorry you're leaving.

Oh, we're gonna miss you very much.

Yeah, me too.

Well, before we all start blubbering
like a bunch of TV weathermen. . .

. . .l have a surprise for you.

l've been looking for a way
to repay your hospitality.

And l think l've come up
with just the thing.

Oh, wind chimes?

-Pardon?
-Nothing.

Tomorrow evening l'm having dinner
with an old friend from back home.

And l want both of you to join us.

l do believe it can be of great benefit
to Gregory's career.

Who we talking about, Your Honor?

The vice president of the United States,
Mr. Albert Gore.

-The vice president.
-Tipper's husband.

Well, he sure can
make or break a career.

And he spends
almost all his time in Memphis.

l imagine you probably know
all the same people.

l'm sure he knows them
better than l do.

l'd love to visit with him but tomorrow
evening is my father's birthday. . .

. . .and l would be remiss to put
my personal ambition. . .

. . .ahead of my family obligations. . .

. . .wouldn't l?
l mean, kin being thicker than. . .

. . .anything else you can think of.

And it was at that point
that the judge said:

''Would it be a treat if l brought
the Vice President to his birthday party?''

l don't understand.
My birthday's in June.

Under no circumstances
am l going to pretend to be Kitty Sue. . .

. . .from Backwater, Tennessee.

Memphis, Mother,
we're from Memphis.

l've typed some talking points
so we can all keep our stories straight.

Page two have some helpful phrases
in case you get stuck.

What's a ''Mamanem''?

lt's how you ask about someone's
family. ''How's your Mamanem?''

Your mama and them.
Your mama and them.

We got a lot of work to do.

Why don't you go get
those Maatlock videos out of the car.

Why can't l just tell l took diction
lessons so l wouldn't sound so ignorant?

You can't do that, Mother.

My career is hanging by a thread.
You've just gotta play along.

Just for the record,
this is your fault, isn't it?

Let's see. ''Let's go shopping,
Bobby Jo, Bubba--'' Yeah.

Thank you.

l don't think l can do an accent.

Oh, sure you can, Edward.
Just think Gone With the Wind.

Why, Miss Scarlett, l don't know
nothing about birthing no babies.

Good, that's good,
but you'll probably wanna be a guy.

-Mother, what are you doing?
-Oh, Gregory, how is this?

Good evening, Mr. Vice President.
How's your mama and them?

Mom, that's great.

-Why aren't you wearing any shoes?
-Oh, l'm trying to be authentic.

Mother, for God's sake,
put on some shoes.

l cannot wear shoes
and do the accent.

Celia, is there anything else
l can do to help?

No, y'all set a spell
and rest those barking dogs.

Excuse me, little lady.

Can l interest you
in some Southern fried chicken?

-Greg, mayday!
-Dad, what are you doing?

Oh, l'm amortizing my Halloween
costume. lt's chicken licking good.

This is bad. This is so bad.

-How do? l'm Country Joe Finkelstein.
-And l'm Bitsy Mae.

-Together we are--
-Country Bits.

-Hi, guys, you look great.
-What are they doing here?

Greg, it's not very fair
that your mom and them. . .

. . .get to meet the vice president,
and my mom and them don't.

Don't worry, Greg,
we're not gonna embarrass you.

We'll just sing a quick medley of songs
about campaign finance reform. . .

. . .and then you won't hear
another peep out of us.

Look here, y'all.

Yonder comes the vice president
of them United States.

Mr. Vice President,
l'd like you to meet the Montgomerys.

Howdy!

We pulled it off.
He bought the whole thing!

l spiked the punch
with the judge's moonshine.

Did you hear what he said about me?
He said l was a rising star.

He might be president some day. l'd get
a big appointment in the White House.

Maybe not attorney general,
but Bobby Kennedy was about my age.

We're not brothers
but we're both from Tennessee.

-Greg.
-And then if l got the job. . .

. . .l'd have to talk like this for the rest
of my freaking life. What have l done?

-Hey, it's gonna be all right.
-No, it ain't.

You know what?
Let's forget about this for a while.

-Come on, let's go get some ice cream.
-As ourselves?

Yep. Except we'll tell everyone
that we're brother and sister. . .

. . .and then we'll start making out
until someone throws up.

Y'all come back now, you hear?

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