All language subtitles for This Country S03E05 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-Cinefeel

One, two, three...

Five eggs?!

You lot are absolutely bang on form today.

Utterly excelled yourselves.

Do you know what?

I actually put all my money

on Edna doing the lion's share.

Her arse is like a fuckin' egg cannon.

Yeah, so, I've been looking after
the parish chickens.

Er, basically, the vicar's been away

visiting his son Jacob in Bristol,

so me and Kurtan
have been holding the fort.

It's been really great.

Er, I am worried,
because I don't like

keys to go missing,
because when they go missing

it just means you can't get into the room,

and I need to get into the room
next week

because there's a domino drive on,
and if I can't get into the room

it's going to be a massive,
massive, massive problem.

When Vicar went away,

he left me as point of contact
in the village in case of emergencies.

My phone's just become
a hotline for wazzocks.

Monday, June's freezer defrosted.

Fuck me, she was so hysterical you thought
it was like a scene from Deep Impact.

Tuesday, Arthur had four pints
of Old Rosie at the ploughing match

and was so pissed he was trying
to open his front door with a pound coin.

Thursday, the village hall
got double-booked,

and the Scrabble club

were absolute unforgiving arseholes
about the whole thing.

By Friday, I was genuinely this close

from just getting everyone in
the village minibus

and driving the wrong way
down the dual carriageway.

Just take everyone down with me.

- Ready?
- Yeah. I've gotta grab my eggs.

So, we're going to
the train station to surprise the vicar,

because I want to tell him how well
I've been looking after the chickens.

I just want him to come back
as soon as possible

so everything can go back to normal.

Yeah, and tell him about the chickens.

I can't wait to give the vicar
these freshly lain eggs.

He's gonna love it.

I can't wait to give Vicar
a piece of my mind.

If he goes away again he'll have to
take all them loons with him,

because I ain't going through
a week like that again. No chance.

Well, I absolutely loved this week,
and Vicar can ask me to help any time.

Yeah, because all you had to do
is collect chicken eggs, Kerry.

Those are the sort of jobs given to
people who've had brain injuries.

Kurtan, it's a lot harder
than just collecting chicken eggs.

Like, you try filling up
a feeder with seed

when your flock hasn't eaten
for six hours.

What time train is Vicar actually on?

He said the lunchtime train.

Vicar's car.

"Jesus is my airbag."

I'm surprised someone ain't put
a brick through that window.

Yeah.

Travel pillow.

He won't have left that behind on purpose.

That's silly, because I know

he won't be able to sleep
on the train without it.

His head will be
completely free-ranging.

I can't wait to see Vicar.

He's probably going to ask me
to look after the chickens full time.

Can you just stop
talking about chickens?

The reason Kurtan hates
me talking about the chickens

is because it reminds him
of when he got bullied at school,

because everyone used to
call him Chicken Boy,

because he looks
so much like a chicken.

And this one time in art class,

Darren Lacey drew a picture
of the evolution of Kurtan,

which was basically like an egg
and then it was a chicken

and then a Kurtan.

It's actually quite clever.

God, I don't think
we've been on this platform

since Gramps took us
on that holiday to Weymouth.

Yeah, I was just thinking that.

- How old were we? Like, 11?
- Yeah.

What a week that was.
That was great.

Yeah, I don't really have fond memories
of that holiday, to be fair.

Why?

You know why.

The pantomime?

Yeah.

Can I tell them?

Yeah, so, we went to
the Weymouth Pavilion

to go and see the summer pantomime,

and Toadfish from Neighbours,
right, was playing Wishy Washy.

And it was Kurtan's birthday,
so he pulled Kurtan up on stage.

And then it was the interval
and the curtains came down,

and what did he say to you?

He said I was the worst kid
he ever called up on stage.

He was like, "You gave me
nothing out there.

"I had them in the palm of my hand
with that never-ending handkerchief gag,

"and you totally killed the room.

"It was like bouncing off a black hole."

He... chucked me my goodie bag
and said,

"Get out there and smile,
you nasty little pom."

Does that surprise you?

Because, personally...

...he charmed me in Celebrity Big Brother.

He really did.

Yeah, because it's a performance. Yeah?

He knows someone's watching.
He never switches off.

But when the curtain comes down
and the wig comes off...

...he's a monster.

Is that a train coming in?

Is it?

Yeah, train's coming.

Thank the Lord!

Here he comes, here he comes.

Can you see him?

Where is he?

He's not here.

For fuck's sake!

He must be getting the next one.

Yeah, and that ain't coming in
for another 45 minutes.

- That's so annoying.
- That's really annoying.

Do you know what? That's so typical
of him, that sort of airy-fairy attitude.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's just
wandered onto the Hogwarts Express,

because his head's
so in the fuckin' clouds.

Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised.

That man is about as street smart
as Will Ferrell in Elf.

The vicar...

...is not street smart.

Like, this one time he got into

a conversation at Swindon bus station
with a prostitute about the weather,

and a pimp ended up charging him £500
for the pleasure of her company.

Yeah. And as he was walking
the vicar to the cashpoint,

the vicar tried to snap
his bank card in his pocket,

but the pimp noticed and slapped him
round the back of the head,

took his money and then
nicked his Fitbit, for good measure.

He lost a whole month's worth
of step data that was on it.

Don't ever pull tricks on a pimp.

Who's that?

Fuck's sake, it's Peggy.

Who's Peggy?

Fuckin' faffmeister-general
from camera club.

Hello, Peggy?

Yes, speaking.

Yes, hi, Peggy, I said that.

Yeah.

Ye... OK. Code...

Yes. Code f...

OK.

OK, yeah, code...
code for the door is 2146, OK?

2146.

OK. Yeah, get a pen.

Hello?

Yes, Peggy, have you got a pen?

Yes, I'm still here.

Right. 2146.

21... Yeah?

...46.

Two...

Two turtle doves. Right?

One... On its own, as in number one.

Four as in... G4.

Six...

...as in the number six, spelt S-I-X.

No! No, the G...

...the G was just a reference point
to what the number...

It... 2146.

2146!

No G! No, because it's just... it's just
numbers on the... on the door code.

It's... Look, listen! Shhh!

2146!

2... 21...

Shit.

I... Sorry, sorry, I just...

I shouldn't actually have to be dealing
with this. The vicar should be back.

- What the fuck?
- What?

It's the Tudor Roses society.

What the hell's that?

Well, it's just a group of people
that dress like Tudor times

and meet up in random old places

and say stuff like "good morrow"
to each other

and, "How many groats for
your finest pig?" That sort of shit.

Why on earth would anyone
wanna do that?

Well, you know how some people,
like, feel they've been born

- in the wrong body and that?
- Yeah.

Well, they feel like they've been born
in the wrong century.

And apparently,
it's actually really un-PC

to talk to them about anything modern.

How do you know that?

Slugs told me.

- He was in the Tudor Roses.
- Really?

Yeah.

I saw him in the village once
walking with his ruff around his neck.

What's a ruff?

You know, one of them things
Shakespeare wears.

No.

And that little spoilt... little pug
in Pocahontas wears one.

Yeah!

I always thought that Slugs
wore that for a health thing.

What?

I thought it was like
some sort of air filter.

That's... That's absolutely insane!

It's Tudor fashion.

Yeah, I was surprised that Slugs
was into Tudor re-enactment.

But, to be honest, I think there was
a large sexual element to it...

...because Slugs told me about these role
plays that Kayleigh would make him do...

...where she played this character called
Filthy Rose, who was a blind prostitute

and gets, er, bought at market
by Slugs's character, Lord Denimere.

And apparently Slugs used to
do Kayleigh doggie style

to the song Greensleeves.

- This will really cheer you up.
- What?

Mum had a massive barney yesterday
with Steve from the dairy farm.

What about?

Over, like, six quid of unpaid milk.

Pathetic.

Pathetic. But she thinks,
right, that she's paid it

- and he thinks she hasn't paid it.
- Yeah.

And there's been, like,
some massive mix-up on the way.

But she was, like, on the phone,
going, "I paid you it,"

and he was like, "You haven't paid me it!"

It was hilarious, mate.

That's brilliant.

Shall I ring her now, pretend I'm Steve?

She'll go absolutely psycho.

But, yeah, ring her, yeah.

Can you do Steve's voice?

Yeah, I'll try.

Hello, is Sue there, please?

Is that Sue, is it?

Can you hear me, Sue?

Can you speak up a bit, please, Sue?

You know that milk we delivered last week?

Well, can you nip round
with the money today?

She hung up.

I told you! What did I say?
I told you she'd go mental.

That was brilliant.

Ring her again?

Yeah, ring her again, yeah.

Hello, is that Sue?

Guess who this is?

Yeah.

That's right, yeah, Now, you know what
I'm gonna ask you, don't you?

Brilliant.

- That was good!
- Superb.

That couldn't have gone better.

Bravo. Well done. That was brilliant.

Well, it's sad, actually,
about Steve, cos...

...the dairy farm's really struggling
at the moment.

- Yeah.
- That six quid probably means

- quite a lot to him.
- Yeah.

Getting undercut by
all them supermarkets and that.

Tried to top himself, didn't he?

He did, yeah.

In his barn. Hung a noose
on the rafters of the barn.

His wife found him.

Fuckin' hell!

- Who's that?
- This fuckin' phone.

It's the bane of my life.

Hello?

Yeah.

Right. God, OK.

Right.

Er, no, that wasn't me.

No, it's got nothing to do with me.

- No, chickens is...
- What about the chickens?

Yeah, that's Kerry's field.
Well, I'll pass you over, then.

OK, cheers, Mrs Wicks.

- She wants to talk to you.
- Hello? How's me cluck-a-lucks?

What?

But I...

I shut... I'm sure I shut the door!

What about Edna?

OK. Well...

...thanks... for calling.

Yeah.

What was that about?

Somebody left the door open
on the chicken coop.

Fox got in.

They're all gone.

What, they escaped?

They're gone, Kur.

Dear.

Dear.

The vicar won't be happy, I don't think.

The parish chickens?
He's had them a while, as well.

He loved them.

You can't trust Kerry with anything.

She'll either break it or sell it.

Or just let it be killed.

I remember, at school,
Kerry baby-sat my Tamagotchi.

By the time I got it back,
the screen was so full of turds

it was just awash with pixelated shite.

Another innocent life
snuffed out by that oaf.

Vicar better be on this train.

No, he won't. This is a Hereford train.

He won't be on it... unfortunately.

Hey, what do you fancy for dinner tonight?

I don't think I'll eat anything.

I quite fancy some chicken Kievs.

What a fuckin' dickish thing to say.
Why would you fuckin' say that?

Do you know anywhere
I can get some chicken meat from?

From some freshly
slaughtered chickens.

Well, you should know.

What do you mean?

You know what everyone
calls you is Chicken Boy.

Why?

Because you look like a chicken

and your great big nose and
your fuckin' spindly little chicken wings.

Thanks! That's...
You're getting personal.

- Yeah. I will get personal.
- Thanks for that. Well done.

You're just bitter
cos you killed your chickens,

let 'em get slaughtered by a fox.

What the...?

How fuckin' dare you say that?

What are you doing?

- Yeah, you wouldn't.
- Yeah, I would.

You wouldn't.

You wouldn't.

What? Try me.

Give me the shoe back.

Give me the shoe back.

Come on, come on!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No-o-o-o-o!

Why would you do that?!

Fuck's sake!

Fuck!

My chickens have just been
slaughtered by a fox.

And to help me with my grief...

...you've taken my right shoe

from the pair of my only shoes

and thrown it on a train
heading to Paddington.

- Yeah.
- May I ask why you did that?

Dunno. Just annoyed, I think.

There he is, look.

Vicar!

Vicar!

He's got his fuckin' headphones in.

Shall I scare him?

Kerry! Kurtan!

- What on earth are you doing?
- What are you doing?

I had the shock of my life.

Fuck!

Why did...? Why did you do that?

Why did you do that?

That could not have gone better for me.

That is a crazy thing to do, Kurtan.

I'm sorry! It was just a surprise!

I thought it would be funny.

You can't just
jump at people like that!

I mean, you are a silly-billy.

You were so scared!

- I wasn't scared.
- You gave me the shock of my life.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

My goodness! Sorry, I was
in a world of my own there.

I'll carry this to the car for you.

What are you both doing here?

- To surprise you!
- Surprise you.

That's lovely! Thank you, Kerry.

- Instead, you shunt me into that.
- Well, I didn't mean it.

- You gave me a shock.
- You fell on the ground!

Good Lord.

That was an absolutely brilliant punked,

but the punker got punked, as well.

Dear.

Are you all right with that?

Kerry, what happened to your other shoe?

Kurtan threw it on a train to Paddington.

Why would you do that, Kurtan?

You don't know
the half of the story, Vicar.

It's such a strange thing to do.

Did you miss us, Vicar?

Yes, I did miss you.

- Really?
- Well, yes, of course!

Did you... did you cry
because you missed us so much?

No, I didn't cry.

But...

...well I... I did get a bit teary

when you sent me that picture of you both
with the chickens.

Right.

Shotgun front.

Vicar? Erm, would you say
that the parish chickens

are more like livestock to you
than pets, would you say?

Erm, why are you asking that, Kerry?

I was just curious to know.

Small talk.

Go on, then.

That's it, put your weight into it.

Yeah! Big slugger.

Now Vicar's back,
I feel like a weight's been lifted.

Yeah, it was great for him
to have that little trip away,

see Jacob, an' that,

but, you know, it's good
that he's home now.

And you can tell he's relieved
to be away from Bristol.

I mean, who wouldn't be?

I mean, utter stink hole.

Well, it's always lovely
coming back to the village.

I'm so deeply fond of it.

Um...

...I... just have to tell you that...

...I do have some news.

Erm, I've perhaps not been
entirely honest with you.

But I had my reasons. Erm...

...my trip was only partly to see Jacob.

Er, the main reason was, I had, er...

...a meeting with the archbishop to...

...well, to confirm my transfer
to a new parish...

...in Bristol.

So, er, yeah, big news.

Erm, it's something that's been
brewing for a while, but, erm...

...I just felt for obvious reasons

that I had to sort of
keep a little bit quiet about it.

But, erm, now it's been confirmed
I wanted to...

...to share that with you.

Agh!

Have you told
Kerry and Kurtan yet?

Er, no. Er, I haven't told
Kerry and Kurtan yet, and, er...

...I will do, but, erm, if I'm honest,
I'm not entirely...

...sure I want to, er, add
to their burdens,

with, er, the week
they've just had. Erm...

But, erm, I will be telling them
the situation very soon,

er, as soon as I find the right moment.

Go down here, on here.

Welcome to Jackass! I'm Johnny Knoxville.

And I'm Steve-O.

Boom!