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1
00:00:31,998 --> 00:00:34,310
Thank you, Patricia. That was lovely.
2
00:00:34,334 --> 00:00:35,912
Absolutely lovely.
3
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:39,315
Your turn to make breakfast is
always something of an adventure.
4
00:00:39,339 --> 00:00:42,785
- I thought I'd try something special.
- Well, indeed.
5
00:00:42,809 --> 00:00:46,655
A lesser woman would not even have
attempted "oeufs a la mayonnaise."
6
00:00:46,679 --> 00:00:50,059
Yes, and it almost worked, didn't it?
7
00:00:50,083 --> 00:00:52,061
Absolutely. Absolutely.
8
00:00:52,085 --> 00:00:55,832
Apart, of course, for
the absence of oeufs.
9
00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:58,000
- I broke them all.
- And mayonnaise.
10
00:00:58,024 --> 00:01:00,102
It curdled.
11
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,705
But all in all the most
delicious plate of "a la"
12
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,841
I've ever tasted.
13
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,076
Now then, since we have
a few moments to spare
14
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:08,978
let's have another bash at my lines.
15
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,913
All right, but we'll have to hurry.
16
00:01:10,937 --> 00:01:13,572
- Take it from the top of page 34.
- Yes.
17
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:19,222
Avast, ye lubbers,
18
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:22,859
'tis pan and his lost
boys come to board me.
19
00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:24,994
Swish, swish.
20
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,496
You shall not murder tinkerbell, hook.
21
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:31,367
Think ye not? I'll
keelhaul ye, Peter Pan.
22
00:01:31,391 --> 00:01:34,370
Ha ha! Ha ha!
23
00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:38,140
That's awfully good. Very scary.
24
00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:41,244
Well, I feel scary. This
will be my year, Patricia.
25
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:44,146
At tonight's audition I
shall carry all before me.
26
00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:46,393
You ought to. You're obviously the best.
27
00:01:46,418 --> 00:01:48,141
Oh, no, no.
28
00:01:48,165 --> 00:01:49,651
I'm afraid you'll end
up playing the crocodile
29
00:01:49,675 --> 00:01:52,288
- that swallowed a clock as usual.
- Yes, that's true.
30
00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:55,457
Every year I've gone to
the "Peter Pan" auditions
31
00:01:55,481 --> 00:01:59,095
and buckled my swash
till my timbers shivered.
32
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,796
And every year I've been presented
33
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:03,332
with seven feet of green foam rubber
34
00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:06,936
and informed that my lines
are "tick" and "tock."
35
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,538
Not this year, I can assure you.
36
00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:11,874
I have prepared fully.
37
00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:14,944
Swish, swish.
38
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,579
The part of captain hook is mine.
39
00:02:17,603 --> 00:02:19,548
Well, I hope so.
40
00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:22,885
It makes me furious to see
you passed over for lesser men.
41
00:02:22,909 --> 00:02:25,621
Last year I nearly
turned in my tomahawk.
42
00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,456
Now, you mustn't do that, Patricia.
43
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,425
You make a wonderful red Indian maid.
44
00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:32,261
Oh, I don't think so
that silly little costume.
45
00:02:32,285 --> 00:02:35,932
- My thighs are too fat.
- Patricia, what an absurd thing to say.
46
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:38,801
- Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.
- No I'm not.
47
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:42,127
I'm sure any number of
Indian maids have fat thighs.
48
00:02:52,138 --> 00:02:55,151
"Gasforth amateur drama society."
49
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,752
What's all that then?
50
00:02:56,776 --> 00:02:59,688
Fannying about in tights?
51
00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:01,824
No, Derek, we only fanny about in tights
52
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,792
when we do shakespeare.
53
00:03:03,816 --> 00:03:05,894
This concerns the annual pantomime.
54
00:03:05,918 --> 00:03:08,697
Robust singers required for the chorus.
55
00:03:08,721 --> 00:03:11,567
- Interested?
- It sounds boring to me.
56
00:03:11,591 --> 00:03:13,902
I'd rather have a cup of
tea in front of the telly.
57
00:03:13,926 --> 00:03:15,471
Of course you would, Derek.
58
00:03:15,495 --> 00:03:17,840
That is because you have
the soul of an amoeba
59
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,965
and the imagination of a pot noodle.
60
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,713
You'd be bored watching
Olivier play Hamlet.
61
00:03:24,737 --> 00:03:27,683
Well, I don't like football,
62
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:30,052
especially foreign teams.
63
00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:32,088
Well, each to their own.
64
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:34,556
I'm sure you can't sing anyway.
65
00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:37,926
When I gave my karaoke
"careless whisper"
66
00:03:37,950 --> 00:03:41,753
On our last holiday, my wife wept.
67
00:03:43,956 --> 00:03:46,935
Derek, we require thespians, not yobs.
68
00:03:46,959 --> 00:03:50,172
You couldn't get a
small roll in a bakery,
69
00:03:50,196 --> 00:03:54,610
let alone justify a place
in a major am-dram panto.
70
00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:57,779
You just ain't got it, kid.
71
00:03:57,803 --> 00:04:01,440
Avast ye lubbers, ha-ha.
72
00:04:15,721 --> 00:04:17,756
So, how did it go, dear?
73
00:04:19,359 --> 00:04:21,237
Treachery...
74
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,939
Thy name is Gasforth am-dram soc.
75
00:04:23,963 --> 00:04:25,764
Who is going to play hook?
76
00:04:27,633 --> 00:04:30,312
"Avast ye lubbers,
77
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:33,182
'tis Peter Pan and his lost boys
78
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:34,839
come to board me."
79
00:04:36,742 --> 00:04:39,388
You should have seen me, Kray.
80
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,424
They were all there.
81
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:44,460
The snooty, snotty,
82
00:04:44,484 --> 00:04:47,530
toity, hoity, farty, arty,
83
00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:51,467
decaffeinated,
fruit-flavored tea-bag,
84
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:55,427
semi-skimmed cream of Gasforth elite.
85
00:04:57,997 --> 00:05:00,809
Fowler was wearing legwarmers.
86
00:05:00,833 --> 00:05:02,911
No?
87
00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:05,214
The bloke stood there
looking like a bird
88
00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:07,716
at an aerobics class,
89
00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:11,620
fannying on about internal motivation.
90
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:13,122
I said, "rubbish, mate.
91
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,046
All you have to do is shout."
92
00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:18,961
And I got the part.
93
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,430
The director said I was clearly
94
00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:23,466
A suppressed thespian.
95
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:26,758
Blimey. I'd have
smacked him in the mouth.
96
00:05:29,362 --> 00:05:31,707
Oh, well, I mustn't grumble.
97
00:05:31,731 --> 00:05:34,042
I am to be Grim's understudy.
98
00:05:34,066 --> 00:05:36,412
And I've been entrusted
with the important,
99
00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:40,483
indeed pivotal role of the crocodile-
100
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:43,142
In many ways a more challenging part.
101
00:05:48,581 --> 00:05:51,793
Patricia, I've got it!
102
00:05:51,817 --> 00:05:55,498
I'll try an accent
a glaswegian perhaps.
103
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,767
Tack towk, tack towk,
104
00:05:58,791 --> 00:06:01,770
tack towk, tack towk,
105
00:06:01,794 --> 00:06:04,095
jimmy.
106
00:06:06,399 --> 00:06:08,733
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
107
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:17,719
Chirstmas eve, ladies and gentlemen,
108
00:06:17,743 --> 00:06:20,256
Chirstmas eve.
109
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,924
Now I realize, of course,
that the yuletide shift
110
00:06:22,948 --> 00:06:25,517
denies those involved
certain traditional treats.
111
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:29,665
Not for us the last-minute
present wrapping,
112
00:06:29,689 --> 00:06:31,634
carols round the tree,
113
00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:33,536
grandpa smoking his pipe
114
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,561
enjoying a good rough shag.
115
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,441
Constable Habib...
116
00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:42,144
- Have I said something amusing?
- No, sir.
117
00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:45,714
Perhaps you find all this
talk of Chirstmas unsettling.
118
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:49,585
I realize of course that this
station is not a monoculture
119
00:06:49,609 --> 00:06:51,987
and that you do not
celebrate the season.
120
00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:54,890
Oh, no sir. I think people
of any culture and religion
121
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:57,092
can respect the true
meaning of Chirstmas.
122
00:06:57,116 --> 00:07:00,563
Ah yes, peace on earth
and good will to all men.
123
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:02,731
Well, yeah, that. And getting rat-faced
124
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:05,334
and ending up with your
head down the toilet.
125
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:08,404
Yes, in our case all that must wait.
126
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,273
Not for us the simple
pleasures of Chirstmas-
127
00:07:11,297 --> 00:07:13,509
Sherry, chestnuts,
128
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:15,611
father bringing home a big fat bird
129
00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:18,947
and telling mom to stuff it.
130
00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:22,608
Sounds like a right old
rave up at your house.
131
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,856
Now I have, as usual,
purchased a Chirstmas tree
132
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,014
which will be set up
in the reception area.
133
00:07:32,218 --> 00:07:35,887
You are, of course, all welcome to
hang your own personal balls on it.
134
00:07:38,858 --> 00:07:40,959
Constable Habib, are you ill?
135
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,567
File please, Kevin.
136
00:07:52,872 --> 00:07:54,673
Get off!
137
00:07:57,910 --> 00:08:01,457
Oh, I love Chirstmas.
138
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,727
I can never sleep so I have to
get up, but then I get so excited
139
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:07,730
I have a lie down again,
which is so silly, isn't it?
140
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:10,299
It's so exciting.
141
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,701
I have been thinking all year
142
00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:15,704
about giving you one
and now I'm going to.
143
00:08:15,728 --> 00:08:17,473
A present. A present, I mean.
144
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,908
I've got some brilliant
presents for people.
145
00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:22,611
But, Maggie, I've got
the best one for you.
146
00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,913
Oh, Kevin, that's really sweet of you,
147
00:08:24,937 --> 00:08:27,316
but I wish you hadn't. I
haven't got you anything.
148
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,618
Maggie, I didn't give you a present
149
00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:31,420
because I wanted one back.
150
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:33,822
I never even thought about
you getting one for me.
151
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,280
That's all right then.
152
00:08:42,955 --> 00:08:45,934
And I got a special present
for inspector Fowler.
153
00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:48,103
I wanted to get him
something really special
154
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:49,938
just to show how much I appreciate him.
155
00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:53,342
- And what did you get him then?
- Puncture repair kit.
156
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,167
And I bought Maggie some "lingery."
157
00:08:57,870 --> 00:09:00,316
- What's "lingery"?
- Posh pants.
158
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:03,819
Like - like your undies,
only more expensive.
159
00:09:03,843 --> 00:09:06,822
Thermals, you mean.
160
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:09,124
That's an excellent present.
161
00:09:09,148 --> 00:09:12,894
Yes, it can get very nippy up
your khyber these long nights.
162
00:09:12,918 --> 00:09:15,997
Frank, he's talking about lingerie,
163
00:09:16,021 --> 00:09:18,790
which is french for "fwoor"...
164
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:24,107
Yes, that's right. Got
her some silky knickers.
165
00:09:24,132 --> 00:09:25,145
Split crotch?
166
00:09:25,170 --> 00:09:27,399
I hope not. I only
bought them this morning.
167
00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:31,814
Dead sexy, knickers and a bra.
168
00:09:31,838 --> 00:09:36,918
I was that embarrassed buying
them. I had to say they were for me.
169
00:09:36,942 --> 00:09:41,056
There's only one set of underwear
you want to give her, mate, yours.
170
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:45,250
Hitch up your boxers and say, "there's
the wrapping, doll. The present's inside."
171
00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:56,672
I think I'm going to be sick.
172
00:09:56,696 --> 00:09:59,508
Oh, it's all right, son.
173
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:03,278
Fellas that talk about
it most do it least.
174
00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:04,880
I know.
175
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:07,883
I talk about it all the time,
176
00:10:07,907 --> 00:10:11,109
and I haven't had any since
the days of Harold Wilson.
177
00:10:13,078 --> 00:10:15,447
I never knew you had a gay relationship.
178
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:18,460
What are you talking about?
179
00:10:18,484 --> 00:10:20,996
This bloke Harold Wilson
you were having it with.
180
00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:24,289
Kevin, he was the prime minister.
181
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:31,874
Blimey! And you an ordinary copper.
182
00:10:31,898 --> 00:10:33,932
You did do well.
183
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,785
It's always a very
special moment, I think,
184
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:46,221
when one installs the
station Chirstmas tree.
185
00:10:46,245 --> 00:10:48,056
It hasn't got any foliage, sir.
186
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,426
It looks like it's been napalmed.
187
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,628
It did have foliage
188
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,696
before I attempted to extract it
189
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,965
from the Chirstmas market scrummage.
190
00:10:56,989 --> 00:10:59,301
People run mad at this time of year.
191
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,269
Mind, you can understand it.
192
00:11:01,293 --> 00:11:03,371
Any community which has been forced
193
00:11:03,395 --> 00:11:06,241
to listen to "simply having
a wonderful Chirstmas time"
194
00:11:06,265 --> 00:11:09,611
On every occasion that they've
entered a shop since mid-October
195
00:11:09,635 --> 00:11:12,203
is bound to be a bit restive.
196
00:11:13,405 --> 00:11:16,518
Ah, sergeant, darling.
197
00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:19,788
- Did you have a successful time in town?
- Yes I did.
198
00:11:19,812 --> 00:11:22,324
I decided I should have
my hair done for Chirstmas.
199
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,182
Yes, perhaps you should.
200
00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:29,020
It is looking a bit of a mess.
201
00:11:30,322 --> 00:11:33,735
Raymond, I've been. This cost £45.
202
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:36,004
£45?!
203
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,941
They've hardly taken
anything off at all.
204
00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:41,500
For £45, you should be bald.
205
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,648
Come here, come here, come here.
206
00:11:46,672 --> 00:11:49,818
Here's your present. Now I
hope you don't take offense.
207
00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:52,955
I've giving this to you because
I respect you as a feminist.
208
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:55,614
And I don't want you to
think it's for my benefit...
209
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:01,987
Although that would be quite nice.
210
00:12:04,123 --> 00:12:07,736
Perhaps if we turn it round a bit, sir?
211
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:10,061
You know, sometimes, they
do have a better side.
212
00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:14,933
My mom always gets a proper one
made out of tinsel.
213
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:21,105
May I have a word,
Raymond? Very important.
214
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,152
About the panto,
215
00:12:24,176 --> 00:12:26,421
now you can take a bit of gentle
216
00:12:26,445 --> 00:12:28,590
constructive criticism, can't you?
217
00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:31,616
- Of course.
- Basically, your crocodile's crap.
218
00:12:32,785 --> 00:12:35,597
You're acting more like an enormous
219
00:12:35,621 --> 00:12:38,834
green dog doo than a croc.
220
00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:41,169
And I suggest you get it sorted.
221
00:12:41,193 --> 00:12:43,739
Inspector Grim, don't
you have things to do?
222
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,440
Oh god, you're right.
223
00:12:45,464 --> 00:12:48,343
I haven't done my vocal exercises yet.
224
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:50,612
Alpha, alpha, bravo.
225
00:12:50,636 --> 00:12:52,548
Wilco, foxtrot, delta.
226
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,983
Tango, tango,
227
00:12:55,007 --> 00:12:57,075
diet lilt and a fanta.
228
00:12:59,378 --> 00:13:01,590
Kray, with me.
229
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,892
Important bit of business to discuss.
230
00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:05,561
Oh yeah, there is, sir, actually.
231
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,829
There's a lot of naughtiness
going on out there.
232
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:10,799
- A lot of burglaries.
- I've put this brilliant new bit in,
233
00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:13,401
where I shove my sword
back into my belt.
234
00:13:13,425 --> 00:13:16,337
But I miss and I stab my trousers
235
00:13:16,361 --> 00:13:18,907
and I say to the kiddies, "don't worry,
236
00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:20,976
it was only a little scratch."
237
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,112
No
"only a little prick."
238
00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:27,315
Only a little prick. Hilarious, eh?
239
00:13:27,339 --> 00:13:30,052
There won't be dry
seat left in the house.
240
00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:32,320
- Oi, sir?
- What?
241
00:13:32,344 --> 00:13:35,090
There's a lot of stuff being
hoiked out of backyard gardens.
242
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:36,558
Eh?
243
00:13:36,582 --> 00:13:39,728
It's all happening while the
families are at the front door,
244
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:42,163
- listening to carol singers.
- Carol singers?!
245
00:13:42,187 --> 00:13:44,165
It's obvious what's going on.
246
00:13:44,189 --> 00:13:46,154
Division want to know
what you're doing about it.
247
00:13:46,178 --> 00:13:47,202
Division?!
248
00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:50,338
You moron, Kray, why
didn't you say something?
249
00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:52,140
Fannying on about pantoes.
250
00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:54,265
Get the car. Let's go!
251
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,545
You seem to forget, Kray,
252
00:13:57,569 --> 00:13:59,414
it's my ass on the line.
253
00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:01,906
So you'd better pull your finger out.
254
00:14:03,442 --> 00:14:06,811
Now get the script, you
can test me in the car.
255
00:14:12,118 --> 00:14:13,528
Yes, Goody, what is it?
256
00:14:13,552 --> 00:14:16,031
Well, sir,
257
00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:18,233
it's just that...
258
00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:20,168
I've bought you a little present, sir.
259
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:22,270
That's very kind of you, Goody.
260
00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:25,374
- But I don't approve...
- no, no, it's hardly anything at all, sir.
261
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:27,409
Just something that I know you'd like.
262
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:29,344
Something that's really you.
263
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:30,745
Oh.
264
00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:32,937
Well, in that case, I'm
sure there's no harm.
265
00:14:37,676 --> 00:14:41,089
I'm worried about Kevin,
Pat. I opened his present.
266
00:14:41,113 --> 00:14:44,393
He dropped loads of hints about
it doing something for him.
267
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:46,495
Come on, Maggie, it's hardly a surprise.
268
00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:48,930
Goody's desperate for you
to do anything with him.
269
00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:52,257
Yeah, but I think he
wants me to fix his bike.
270
00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:09,651
That's just the sort of
present Raymond would get me.
271
00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:11,786
It would be so nice if he got me
272
00:15:11,810 --> 00:15:14,089
something feminine
and sexy. But he won't.
273
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:17,125
He'll have been down
the D.I.Y. shop as usual
274
00:15:17,149 --> 00:15:20,017
asking them to gift wrap
a sack of tiling grout.
275
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:24,989
Raymond, I-
276
00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:34,199
Raymond.
277
00:15:40,139 --> 00:15:42,039
Sit down, please.
278
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:46,277
Now then, Goody...
279
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,625
I've asked you to come and see me
280
00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:53,428
because there is something
which you and I must discuss.
281
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:55,964
And I want the truth.
282
00:15:55,988 --> 00:15:58,467
I do not want you to try to deceive me
283
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,469
out of shame or embarrassment.
284
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:03,595
I can assure you that
I am not embarrassed.
285
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,779
I'm not embarrassed at all.
286
00:16:11,803 --> 00:16:14,949
Right, good, so-
287
00:16:14,973 --> 00:16:17,619
So, here we go.
288
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:21,279
Do you
289
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:24,815
do you find me attractive?
290
00:16:30,122 --> 00:16:32,334
Well, sir...
291
00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:34,302
I don't know.
292
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:36,771
You're always very clean,
I think that's nice.
293
00:16:36,795 --> 00:16:39,307
Because if you harbor
294
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:41,709
some secret desire...
295
00:16:41,733 --> 00:16:45,570
If indeed you do...
296
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,439
Crave me-
297
00:16:49,441 --> 00:16:51,075
Physically-
298
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:54,612
Then we must, of course,
have it out in the open.
299
00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:59,327
Are you propositioning me, sir?
300
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:02,303
Don't be disgusting, you foul boy.
301
00:17:02,328 --> 00:17:04,135
You said you wanted us
to have it out in the open.
302
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,034
A talk! A talk!
303
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:08,002
A talk about the fact that clearly
304
00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:10,572
I've become some kind
of fantasy figure to you.
305
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:13,741
The fact that the idea
of my near-naked body
306
00:17:13,765 --> 00:17:17,011
decked out in flimsy
female attire turns you on.
307
00:17:17,035 --> 00:17:20,371
I don't! I don't! I don't think
you'd look nice naked at all.
308
00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:24,452
It won't help you to add
insult to injury, laddie.
309
00:17:24,476 --> 00:17:26,954
No, I mean I don't want to see you
310
00:17:26,978 --> 00:17:29,224
decked out in flimsy female attire, sir.
311
00:17:29,248 --> 00:17:32,126
Then what the hell is this
Chirstmas present all about then?
312
00:17:32,150 --> 00:17:34,929
Some disgusting,
perverted attempt at humor?
313
00:17:34,953 --> 00:17:38,089
No, no, it's just so
you can mend punctures.
314
00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:44,138
You want me to fix my bicycle
315
00:17:44,162 --> 00:17:46,374
wearing women's underwear?
316
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:50,111
Oh my god!
317
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:52,046
I've given you the wrong present, sir.
318
00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:54,516
I bought you a puncture repair kit.
319
00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:56,541
The underwear was for constable Habib.
320
00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:02,890
Well - well, that's very
nearly as bad,
321
00:18:02,914 --> 00:18:04,659
you foul boy.
322
00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:08,363
Do you really believe that women
appreciate rubbish like this?
323
00:18:08,387 --> 00:18:11,566
To be treated like some
kind of saucy sex object?
324
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,568
Well why not? I would.
325
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:15,293
Take these foul things and get out!
326
00:18:19,131 --> 00:18:20,798
Oh.
327
00:18:26,838 --> 00:18:29,451
Really, sergeant
Dawkins, we are on duty.
328
00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:32,220
Kindly control your wild animal lust.
329
00:18:32,244 --> 00:18:35,557
No, I will not. It's
Chirstmas and I don't care.
330
00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:37,659
I saw what you got me, peachy.
331
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:40,128
- What I got you?
- The lingerie.
332
00:18:40,152 --> 00:18:42,864
It's the first sexy
romantic thing you've done
333
00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:46,167
since you bought me that box of
milk tray when I had shingles.
334
00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:49,237
Ooh, I've always wanted
some saucy undies.
335
00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:51,306
Real proper silky ones.
336
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,341
God, it turns me on!
337
00:18:53,365 --> 00:18:55,109
God, it makes me hornier
338
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:57,345
than rudolph's antlers!
339
00:18:57,369 --> 00:18:59,080
Oh.
340
00:18:59,104 --> 00:19:01,716
You're my little Chirstmas
cracker, and I love you.
341
00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:04,552
Yes, yes.
342
00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:08,290
On the other hand, perhaps
underwear is a silly present.
343
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,858
Perhaps you'd prefer
something more functional.
344
00:19:10,882 --> 00:19:13,261
Why, you were saying only the other day
345
00:19:13,285 --> 00:19:15,697
how your toenail clippers were blunt.
346
00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:18,266
Raymond, I want my knickers.
347
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:21,303
And if they're not in my
stocking tomorrow morning,
348
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,738
there'll be holly in your pajamas.
349
00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:25,740
But they will be, I know.
350
00:19:25,764 --> 00:19:28,399
After all, Chirstmas is for lovers.
351
00:19:34,906 --> 00:19:38,819
♪ We shall overcome... ♪
352
00:19:38,843 --> 00:19:41,589
What the hell is all this noise about?
353
00:19:41,613 --> 00:19:44,259
It's a caravan of new-age
travelers, Raymond.
354
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:47,128
They've been causing an obstruction.
355
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:49,964
I'm not putting up with this all night!
356
00:19:49,988 --> 00:19:52,900
You are all officially warned!
357
00:19:52,924 --> 00:19:55,770
Now happy Chirstmas and get out!
358
00:19:55,794 --> 00:20:00,041
♪ We shall overcome ♪
359
00:20:00,065 --> 00:20:03,301
♪ someday. ♪
360
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:07,082
All power and passion, man.
361
00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:10,118
You are babylon, but
I will speak to you.
362
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:12,620
Your lot impounded our van, man.
363
00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:14,622
My belly is swollen
364
00:20:14,646 --> 00:20:17,014
with the fruit of love's seed.
365
00:20:18,317 --> 00:20:20,728
And we are homeless.
366
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:23,264
We are a circle. There is no end.
367
00:20:23,288 --> 00:20:25,600
There is no beginning.
Everything is now.
368
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:27,825
And we are here. And we're staying.
369
00:20:31,263 --> 00:20:34,442
Well, what in 12 types
of instant cake mix
370
00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:36,711
are we supposed to do with these two?
371
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:39,581
I mean this is all we need
on Chirstmas eve, isn't it?
372
00:20:39,605 --> 00:20:42,383
A couple arrive from far away
373
00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:44,486
with nowhere to stay for the night,
374
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:46,777
the woman heavily pregnant.
375
00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:50,548
I mean, did you ever
hear of such a thing?
376
00:20:51,816 --> 00:20:54,028
You're my scrummy little minced pie
377
00:20:54,052 --> 00:20:56,086
and I want to eat you all up.
378
00:20:57,689 --> 00:21:00,701
Constable Goody, do you recall
that earlier this evening
379
00:21:00,725 --> 00:21:02,437
you made me a gift of some lingerie?
380
00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:04,639
Yes sir. But I explained.
I never intended-
381
00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:07,742
Yes, yes, yes. The fact is
that I've changed my mind
382
00:21:07,766 --> 00:21:09,900
and I want it back.
383
00:21:12,904 --> 00:21:14,682
Oh, I see.
384
00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:16,184
I do know what you mean.
385
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:18,353
It is kind of nice, to
touch and everything.
386
00:21:18,377 --> 00:21:20,622
It's not for me, you disgusting boy!
387
00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:22,713
Just hand over your bra and panties.
388
00:21:24,316 --> 00:21:27,462
I can't, sir. I've given
them to constable Habib.
389
00:21:27,486 --> 00:21:30,221
I asked one of the girls
to leave it in her locker.
390
00:21:33,124 --> 00:21:36,471
Constable Habib, I have a
very strange favor to ask you.
391
00:21:36,495 --> 00:21:39,174
I want a quick rummage in your locker.
392
00:21:39,198 --> 00:21:42,009
- I'm sorry, sir?
- No, no, don't misunderstand me.
393
00:21:42,033 --> 00:21:44,912
It's just that I believe there
may be some underwear in there
394
00:21:44,936 --> 00:21:46,747
and I want to get hold of it.
395
00:21:46,771 --> 00:21:49,150
Oh, I see. Well, don't worry.
396
00:21:49,174 --> 00:21:52,753
I know a lot of men your age
often have these funny urges.
397
00:21:52,777 --> 00:21:55,557
No, no... no, I'm
not offended, sir.
398
00:21:55,581 --> 00:21:57,925
- I just think it's a bit sad.
- Look, Habib-
399
00:21:57,949 --> 00:22:00,628
Oh, you're not going to-
400
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:02,397
Oh!
401
00:22:02,421 --> 00:22:05,433
All right, Habib, let's get
her into the interview room
402
00:22:05,457 --> 00:22:07,602
then get the dettol
and sterilize the table.
403
00:22:07,626 --> 00:22:10,405
Hang on, Pat. This person
is a woman, an individual.
404
00:22:10,429 --> 00:22:12,807
She has to decide how she
wants to have her baby.
405
00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:14,642
It's all right, love. It's your body.
406
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:16,811
You're in control. You
tell us what you want.
407
00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:18,746
I want to have it by candlelight...
408
00:22:18,770 --> 00:22:20,515
I think we can manage that.
409
00:22:20,539 --> 00:22:22,717
You see, Pat, it doesn't
hurt to give people
410
00:22:22,741 --> 00:22:24,185
choice in their lives.
411
00:22:24,209 --> 00:22:26,354
...In a bath full of warm ewe's milk...
412
00:22:26,378 --> 00:22:28,256
At stonehenge.
413
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:30,525
Let's get her on the table.
414
00:22:30,549 --> 00:22:32,093
- Goody.
- Yes?
415
00:22:32,117 --> 00:22:33,951
- Hot water, now.
- Yes.
416
00:22:38,457 --> 00:22:41,236
♪ Away in a manger ♪
417
00:22:41,260 --> 00:22:43,538
♪ no crib for his bed ♪
418
00:22:43,562 --> 00:22:47,698
♪ the little lord Jesus
lay down with his legs... ♪
419
00:22:49,334 --> 00:22:51,379
Thank you very much, it's lovely.
420
00:22:51,403 --> 00:22:54,315
- We ain't finished yet.
- No.
421
00:22:54,339 --> 00:22:56,518
♪ Away in a manger ♪
422
00:22:56,542 --> 00:22:58,142
♪ no crib for his bed... ♪
423
00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:02,157
- Push!
- Life, magic,
424
00:23:02,181 --> 00:23:04,125
bursting pods.
425
00:23:04,149 --> 00:23:06,161
Oh my god!
426
00:23:06,185 --> 00:23:08,018
Push!
427
00:23:13,525 --> 00:23:15,803
Goody, did you get the hot water?
428
00:23:15,827 --> 00:23:17,605
Well, I was going to,
429
00:23:17,629 --> 00:23:20,841
but I thought we ought to offer
something more interesting.
430
00:23:20,865 --> 00:23:23,534
So I got her this carton
of ribena from my tuck box.
431
00:23:25,270 --> 00:23:28,349
Naughty, naughty, round the
back, sir, should we nick 'em?
432
00:23:28,373 --> 00:23:30,185
Have you seen the size of them?
433
00:23:30,209 --> 00:23:32,387
Let uniform get their noses broken.
434
00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:34,989
Request urgent support,
435
00:23:35,013 --> 00:23:36,691
callahan crescent,
436
00:23:36,715 --> 00:23:38,583
highly dangerous...
437
00:23:39,784 --> 00:23:41,752
Carol singers.
438
00:23:44,323 --> 00:23:46,167
I think drugs would be a good idea.
439
00:23:46,191 --> 00:23:49,270
No need, she'd doing it all naturally.
440
00:23:49,294 --> 00:23:52,373
That's what I'm saying. I think
maybe we ought to celebrate.
441
00:23:52,397 --> 00:23:54,409
Oh, yeah.
442
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:58,346
♪ ...Merry gentlemen,
let nothing you dismay ♪
443
00:23:58,370 --> 00:24:01,382
♪ for Jesus Chirst our savior ♪
444
00:24:01,406 --> 00:24:03,718
♪ was born upon this day ♪
445
00:24:03,742 --> 00:24:05,876
♪ to save us all from satan's power... ♪
446
00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:12,082
♪ Oh tidings of comfort and joy- ♪
447
00:24:20,559 --> 00:24:22,503
that was a bit heavy-handed.
448
00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:24,462
It wasn't that bad.
449
00:24:27,332 --> 00:24:28,843
The doctor will be here soon.
450
00:24:28,867 --> 00:24:30,878
Ah, what are you going to call him?
451
00:24:30,902 --> 00:24:32,547
You choose.
452
00:24:32,571 --> 00:24:34,215
Well, it is Chirstmas.
453
00:24:34,239 --> 00:24:36,183
How about calling him Noel?
454
00:24:36,207 --> 00:24:38,686
That is a great idea
because Noel Edmonds
455
00:24:38,710 --> 00:24:40,944
is the sprit of Chirstmas, isn't he?
456
00:24:44,849 --> 00:24:48,152
Well now, young... Baby.
457
00:24:49,154 --> 00:24:51,255
Bibble, bibble.
458
00:24:54,092 --> 00:24:57,004
Well, a police station is
perhaps not the best of places
459
00:24:57,028 --> 00:24:59,607
for a child to spend its
first night upon earth.
460
00:24:59,631 --> 00:25:01,643
But we should perhaps remember
461
00:25:01,667 --> 00:25:04,912
that once a baby was born in
a far lowlier place than this,
462
00:25:04,936 --> 00:25:07,415
and went on to do rather well.
463
00:25:07,439 --> 00:25:09,550
Yes.
464
00:25:09,574 --> 00:25:11,609
Who was that then?
465
00:25:15,113 --> 00:25:17,648
Jesus Chirst, Goody!
466
00:25:19,751 --> 00:25:21,228
There is no need to swear, sir,
467
00:25:21,252 --> 00:25:23,321
I just don't know who
you're talking about.
468
00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:26,301
Ah, constable Habib.
469
00:25:26,325 --> 00:25:28,303
I've been waiting for
a moment to have a word.
470
00:25:28,327 --> 00:25:30,171
Now what I said earlier
about your knickers-
471
00:25:30,195 --> 00:25:32,507
Oh please, sir, don't feel guilty.
472
00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:35,176
- I know what's going on.
- Oh, right.
473
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,911
It's the male menopause.
474
00:25:36,935 --> 00:25:40,715
I must say a very nice little pull.
475
00:25:40,739 --> 00:25:43,250
First-class police work,
though I say so myself.
476
00:25:43,274 --> 00:25:46,421
Kray, get those-those-
477
00:25:46,445 --> 00:25:48,989
- Carol-singing scums?
- Exactly.
478
00:25:49,013 --> 00:25:51,225
Out of the van and give
them a right going over.
479
00:25:51,249 --> 00:25:53,361
Now, Fowler, you seem to be
480
00:25:53,385 --> 00:25:55,963
doing nothing but
fannying about as usual.
481
00:25:55,987 --> 00:25:58,933
You can test me on my lines. Come on.
482
00:25:58,957 --> 00:26:01,235
As my understudy, it'll do you good
483
00:26:01,259 --> 00:26:03,204
to see a proper bit of shouting!
484
00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:05,973
Actually, inspector Grim,
I've got some rather urgent-
485
00:26:05,997 --> 00:26:08,343
That's your problem
as an actor, Raymond,
486
00:26:08,367 --> 00:26:11,278
you never learn. No focus.
487
00:26:11,302 --> 00:26:14,949
No dedication. And
you're a load of rubbish.
488
00:26:14,973 --> 00:26:18,018
I suppose you've got till
boxing day to work on it,
489
00:26:18,042 --> 00:26:20,221
but give it some thought, mate.
490
00:26:20,245 --> 00:26:22,890
Now, top of the page...
491
00:26:22,914 --> 00:26:24,425
Oh, sir, sir...
492
00:26:24,449 --> 00:26:26,728
You know them dodgy carol
singers we just nicked?
493
00:26:26,752 --> 00:26:30,498
Avast, ye lubbers, 'tis Peter Pan!
494
00:26:30,522 --> 00:26:33,190
Very good, sir. Very intimidating.
495
00:26:34,693 --> 00:26:36,838
It's just that those iffy carol singers
496
00:26:36,862 --> 00:26:38,706
turn out to be the chief constable,
497
00:26:38,730 --> 00:26:40,375
the local M.P., their wives,
498
00:26:40,399 --> 00:26:43,143
and the bishop of Gasforth.
499
00:26:43,167 --> 00:26:45,580
Do you still want me to
give them a going over, sir?
500
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:49,250
Detective inspector Grim,
what the hell is going on?!
501
00:26:49,274 --> 00:26:52,286
Seems to be a mistake, sir.
502
00:26:52,310 --> 00:26:56,724
We are on the trail of
a vicious gang of brutal-
503
00:26:56,748 --> 00:26:59,861
- Carol singers, sir.
- Carol singers, sir.
504
00:26:59,885 --> 00:27:03,387
I shall see you in my office
after work on boxing day!
505
00:27:04,756 --> 00:27:06,567
Oh dear, inspector Grim.
506
00:27:06,591 --> 00:27:09,003
Looks like you're going to
have to miss the pantomime.
507
00:27:09,027 --> 00:27:10,705
Still it doesn't matter.
508
00:27:10,729 --> 00:27:12,897
I hear your understudy's
much the better actor.
509
00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:17,278
I hate Chirstmas!
510
00:27:17,302 --> 00:27:21,883
I reckon scrooge got it
right with his bag of humbugs.
511
00:27:21,907 --> 00:27:24,809
Kray, with me.
512
00:27:28,246 --> 00:27:29,746
Kevin!
513
00:27:32,183 --> 00:27:34,795
So you think these are
really me, do you, Kevin?
514
00:27:34,819 --> 00:27:37,331
- Yes I do.
- Don't you think they'd be a bit chilly
515
00:27:37,355 --> 00:27:39,200
at this time of year? I like undies
516
00:27:39,224 --> 00:27:41,935
that keep your bits
covered and your bum warm.
517
00:27:41,959 --> 00:27:45,606
Honestly, what is it with you
blokes and knickers tonight?
518
00:27:45,630 --> 00:27:47,841
If this is what Chirstmas does to you,
519
00:27:47,865 --> 00:27:49,733
I'm glad I don't bother with it.
520
00:27:52,170 --> 00:27:54,171
Yes, but did you like them?
521
00:27:55,606 --> 00:27:57,618
What was all that about?
522
00:27:57,642 --> 00:28:01,255
Not our business,
Patricia. Not our business.
523
00:28:01,279 --> 00:28:03,924
Well, I've got a lot of lines to learn.
524
00:28:03,948 --> 00:28:05,592
I'll get my coat, shall I?
525
00:28:05,616 --> 00:28:08,329
And my present, you gorgeous,
526
00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:10,564
naughty, disgusting, dirty, filthy,
527
00:28:10,588 --> 00:28:13,567
sexy little Chirstmas reindeer. Ruff!
528
00:28:13,591 --> 00:28:18,095
Of course. And as you so
rightly point out, your present.
529
00:28:25,303 --> 00:28:27,637
Ruff!
37304
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