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I want to have kids. Lots and lots of kids.

And I don't need a husband to help do that.

I need a wife,

because my mom says she ain't gonna clean my room forever.

I like this one girl Sara,

but my mom says I can't marry her because she's my cousin.

* All right!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

So, uh, you guys just invited us over for brunch?

It's strangely friendly of you.

Well, we just wanted to thank you

for that awesome cappuccino maker that you got us.

Cappuccino maker. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, right. Yeah. You're welcome.

JOY: So great.

Now our kitchen looks just like

the Williams Sonoma catalog.

Except for, you know, us.

Anyway, Eddie's gonna make us all cappuccinos.

I haven't really learned how to work the thing yet,

but he's the master.

He's so good at stuff like that.

Well, that's true.

I do know how to push the right buttons,

be it a cappuccino machine, a VCR,

or the ladies.

All right, what can I get everybody?

Mmm. Do you serve soy milk?

Soy milk?

We're in America, sweetie. We drink from cows.

Honey, actually, I picked some up for the brunch.

Oh, great! EDDIE: Oh, okay.

I'll have a soy cappuccino,

and could you warm the milk before you whip it?

Warm then whip.

Okay, I'll have a cappuccino,

and if you could add an extra shot of espresso,

that would be great. Got that, extra espresso.

For me, I'm gonna have a half-cafe latte

and use the cinnamon beans.

Cinnamon beans. And dust it with nutmeg.

Ooh, ooh! Dust mine, too!

But not too much dust.

Okay, everybody's gonna get dusted, all right?

Just--Just...

No more talking. I have it all up here. Please.

Eddie, could you make mine iced?

(SHOUTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

All right, I'm gonna go shake my frittata.

That's right, you heard me. Deal with it.

Why did you buy them a cappuccino maker?

Those things are expensive.

For that kind of money, I could have had that thing removed.

Oh, no, no, no. We didn't buy them one,

we just gave them the one we had and never used.

We need the counter space.

Steph, that was a wedding gift from my mother.

Was it?

You knew that.

What else are you giving away without my knowledge?

My old Indian arrowhead collection?

No, I did not get rid of your Indian arrowheads.

And for the record, every rock that's shaped like a triangle...

It's not an arrowhead.

Okay, one down.

This is Steph's half soy

frappa-cappa Ladysmith Black Mambazo.

Look at that. It's so professional.

Your foamed milk looks...

Yes, it's like an angel sneezed.

I know, I know. Look, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you make the next one, and I'll go grab a bagel.

You know I don't know how to use that thing.

But I'm gonna learn. I will.

Oh, okay.

Don't forget my nutmeg dust.

Okay.

JOY: All righty,

Steph, here is your cappuccino.

Mmm! Looks delicious.

Mmm.

It's got a nice little aftertaste.

Oh, that might be Cascade.

The dishwasher's on the fritz.

Maybe it's the bitterness of my mother's tears.

Oh, Joy,

I finally found out what that weird lady down the street

is keeping in her trashcans.

No, wait, wait, wait! Wait, I want to hear this.

Is it cats?

Is it a... Is it a pile of cats?

(WHIRRING)

No way! She does not!

(COFFEE MACHINE WHIRRING) She does not what?

What is it she doesn't do?

(SHOUTS)

Oh! Son of a mocha frappe latte!

* Hey, hey

Hey, Eddie, I wanted to thank you for brunch the other day,

especially those cappuccinos. They were delicious.

You must be loving that cappuccino maker, huh?

It's making my life a living hell. Really?

Joy has me making these cappuccinos all the time.

She's like, "Oh, honey, can you make me a decaf bedtime cappy?"

Or else it's, "Oh, I really gotta learn how to work that machine."

But she never does, and she never will.

It's like she's playing me.

Sounds like you're running a Starkbucks.

'Cause Stark is my last name.

Your cleverness is exceeded only by

your love affair with the sweater vest.

Hey. Hey, there.

(SIGHS)

I had such a crazy day at work today.

Could you make me a tiny little cappuccino?

I know, I know. I'm gonna learn how to use that thing.

You know what? We're gonna teach you right now.

What? Now? Yeah, we are.

But I'm tired. Yeah, we're all tired.

Okay, this is what you do.

Very simple. You take the water,

you put it into the tank.

You fill it right up to there.

Okay, I'm lost.

You're lost?

Yeah.

Where did I lose you?

I don't know, the water, the tank.

Okay, okay, okay, it's easy.

You take the water.

You put it into the tank.

You do speak English, correct?

Yeah, it's just a little confusing, that's all. Confusing?

Okay, let me put it in terms that you could understand.

Pretend that the tank is your belly,

and the water is merlot.

Okay. You put the water into the tank.

Got it. Okay.

Then you close the lid like this.

Okay. You're so good at this.

You're an amazing man.

Okay, then you press the button right here to prime.

To prime button.

Where are you, Joy?

Close the lid.

No, we're-- we're way past the lid!

The lid is closed!

Then you take the espresso coffee, okay?

You put it into the basket.

That's the basket? This is the basket,

and you tamp it. Tamp it.

You tamp it down.

Okay, then you put it right in here.

And you twist it.

You make sure it is tight.

You push this button.

And you start it. Voila.

That's it.

Can I have that?

Okay, look, you are a very bright college-educated woman.

I know you can make a cappuccino.

It's very easy. Okay, it is water, prime,

coffee, tamp, twist, button.

W-P-C-T-T-B.

Wapacitiba.

You got it? Wapacitiba.

Okay?

Wa-pa-citi-bla.

I know your game, woman.

You see, you refuse to learn this

because you don't want to have the skill

because you don't want to do it.

So, you're gonna repeat after me, okay?

It is water, prime, coffee,

tamp, twist, button.

Wapacitiba! Wapacitiba!

Wapacitiba!

Okay, you know what? Fine!

I could learn, but I don't feel like it.

Are you happy? No! No!

I am not happy because I am physically

and spiritually exhausted.

But the free ride is over, sister!

What are you saying? You're refusing to make me cappuccinos?

That's right! I am. Starkbucks is closed.

Starkbucks? Stark!

Starkbucks, that's right.

Ooh, good one.

It happens to be very clever.

I can't believe you won't do this one little thing for me.

If I made a list of everything that I do around here,

it would go once around the equator.

Oh, don't threaten me with your travel agency fancy lingo.

Okay? Because I have a list, too, missy!

Really? I'd like to see that list.

I would like to show you my list.

Okay, should we do it now or after I prepare dinner for us

like I do every night!

We're gonna see it after dinner

because I don't want to do it on an empty stomach.

* Hey, hey

You could just sign right here.

Sure.

What's wrong?

Usually you're magic trick of the month puts you in a great mood.

Oh, no, it's not that.

I'm psyched as hell about my new Chinese Linking Rings.

It's just, actually,

I got a thing with my wife.

She gave away a gift my mother gave me without asking.

Wow. Not cool.

No. It is not, UPS Mitch.

It is not.

All right.

Well, I got, like, 400 packages to deliver, so...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hey!

What did we give you for a holiday tip last year?

A tin of something brown.

I'm gonna say hard fudge.

Well, I am about to bump that up, my friend.

Oh, here we go.

Merry belated Christmas.

My wife, she loves this thing.

But I think it's just taking up space.

Wow! A crystal apple. Uh-huh.

I've never been happier.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey! Hey!

What's up with you?

(GASPS) Your new magic trick came, didn't it?

I'll go sit on the couch.

Yep.

It came, but that's not why I'm so happy right now.

What's up?

Look, I am sorry, sunshine,

but I just gave away your precious crystal apple to UPS Mitch.

Bam!

Jeff, you shouldn't have done that.

Why not? Why? Because it was something meaningful to you?

Because it was given to you by someone that you love and care about deeply?

Well, that is exactly how I felt about the cappuccino maker.

Now you know how I feel.

Jeff, I am truly sorry

I gave away that gift from your mother.

But here's the thing.

That crystal apple was also a gift from your mother.

Remember when you got your first teaching job?

Oh, that's starting to ring a bell, yeah.

Okay, things Joy does around the house.

One, cooks. Two, cleans.

Three, pays the bills. Four, does the laundry.

Five, buys all gifts.

Six, handles all federal, state, and local taxes.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are we allowed to include government related activities?

Because that was not made clear.

Seven, oversees handymen.

Eight, administers all your pills, injections, and ointments.

My list goes to 25.

Do you want me to take a break and you can read yours?

Sounds great.

One, I take out the trash.

Okay. Two, I grill.

Three, I make pancakes.

Four, I make blueberry pancakes.

That's all you got?

Trash, the grilling,

and the pancakes.

And the blueberry pancakes.

(CLEARS THROAT)

And I also am in charge of a lot of intangibles

that I didn't have time to put on the list.

Such as?

I protect us

from intruders.

And bears.

And strange people carrying

religious pamphlets.

Okay, so, let me get this straight.

(CLEARS THROAT) While you are making the pancakes,

in the back of your mind,

you're also on the lookout

for pamphlets and bears.

Do you really think it's a coincidence

that there has never been a bear

or a pamphlet in our house?

That's-- That's all me, baby!

You know what? You are the one who is getting the free ride.

No, I am not!

I am your cappuccino, pamphlet, bear guy.

Okay, you know what? You know what? This is what we're gonna do, okay?

I am gonna learn how to make cappuccinos.

And I am also going to protect us

from all animals and all intruders.

And you are gonna take on

one of the things that I do, okay?

How about you're gonna do bills.

You know what?

I would love to do the bills. Great.

Because, you know, I keep hearing about

these mysterious bills.

Oh, I can't go out tonight

because I have to pay the bills.

Oh, I just cannot wait to see

what these bills are all about.

Great. Here you go.

Wait, we pay for water?

Wapacitiba.

Ba.

What's ba?

Button!

(HISSING)

Booya!

How's it going with those bills, my prince?

I am in an epic battle

of good and evil with the gas companies

of greater Philadelphia, Joy.

I am in the matrix!

Oh, my God. Didn't that burn?

Not as much my throat, just my insides.

Hey, did you know that if you badger

a customer service representative long enough

he will actually drop the state usage fee?

How much is that?

$3 per fiscal quarter.

Hey.

I got three channels here. They're all fuzzy.

Oh, yeah, I switched us over

to satellite because the first month is free.

And then I'm gonna switch back to cable

where the first month is free.

Cable, dish, cable, dish. Boom, boom, boom.

Ping-pong of savings.

Eddie, you can't do that. You're gonna get caught.

And if I do, I just change my middle initial.

(LAUGHING)

The battle of Antietam

was the single deadliest day

in American history.

The rivers ran red with the blood of...

WOMAN ON PHONE: Keystone Cellular. This is Barbara. May I help you?

Yeah, hi. Uh, uh...

Just a second, please.

Kids, I have to take this call.

I've been on hold with this company for, like, 7 hours.

And I have to resolve this situation

so I will be able to teach you

at the high level of excellence that all of you deserve.

So, um...

Heads down.

Uh, yeah, hi, Barbara. It's Eddie again.

Yeah, uh, listen, I'm gonna need you

to drop the international plan for my cell phone

because I really have no use for Europe or its neighbors.

Yeah, yeah. Can you-- Can you hold?

I have another call coming in.

Hello? Hey, it's me.

Look, I have $200 worth of groceries here

and my credit card has just been declined.

Oh, yeah, well, we don't work with

that credit card company anymore.

I really didn't care for supervisor Gene Richmond's tone.

What am I supposed to do, Eddie?

I have $700 in petty cash

in the hamper under my dirty underwear.

Can't get it now, won't touch it ever.

I think that this is getting

a little bit out of control, don't you?

Listen, I'm in the middle of molding young minds here,

so we're gonna have to deal with this later.

Okay, I'm gonna level with you, Barb,

that was Verizon, and they want me bad.

So, you're-- you're just gonna have to start dancing.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You wouldn't want to buy these for me, would you?

I'll show you one of my boobs.

EDDIE: Joy?

Joy?

Eddie, stop.

I told you, if you can't do it without waking me up,

we're not doing it.

No, it's not that. This is very important.

I figured out a way to use our miles

to pay our electric bill.

What the hell is wrong with you?

It's-- It's 2:00 a.m.

Not in New Delhi, my dear.

Uh, hello, Mohandas.

What time is it there, please?

It's already Friday?

Well, TGIF, if you know what I'm saying.

You don't. Oh. Oh, okay.

(CLATTERING)

I'll call you back.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, I did.

Okay, you're up.

What?

You're intruders. Go see what the noise was.

You're actually gonna make me go down there

and confront what could possibly be a murderer?

Or a bear.

Either way, it's your job.

So, go check it out, and I'll crawl into your warm spot

and make some more calls.

You are unbelievable.

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

Okay, I'm here in no official capacity.

But I heard you scream,

and I just want to make sure everything was okay.

There is a squirrel in the house.

How the hell did a squirrel get into our house?

Oh, come on, look. He's just a cute little...

Oh, God!

He only has one eye! He's a fighter!

Go!

What are you doing? Get it!

No, no, no. You get it.

I already got us matching fleece pullovers

for renewing Sports Illustrated.

All right, if you are not gonna get it,

I am gonna call animal control.

Oh! Careful! Go...

There's no dial tone.

Yeah, we don't have a land line for

about 24 hours.

What? We don't have a phone?

No, no. Because I switched our provider.

We're now with Magique.

And all you have to do is dial 1-684-39 pound before your calls.

They'll put you right in there.

You know what? I thought that by giving you the bills,

you would realize how hard I work around here.

But it turns out I'm the one who has realized something.

I am married to

an obsessive, anal-retentive maniac.

That's pretty harsh for a guy who just saved us a bundle

on prepaid gas.

I can't make a phone call.

I can't buy groceries.

I can't get cash from an ATM.

Do you know what I had to do for lunch today?

Steal a burrito.

I had to rob a mini-mart, Eddie!

Effective immediately, I will do everything around here,

you will do nothing!

Got it?

(GASPS)

The only thing that you have to do right now

is get that squirrel out of my house.

All right, just give me the shoe.

It's go time.

Get over... Stop it.

Okay!

(EXCLAIMS) Got him right in the tail!

All right, he's not pleased.

All right, he's coming at us

with either a hot dog or a finger in his mouth.

Go! Move!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

What the hell were you thinking?

Huh.

We got it back, sweetie.

Would you look at that?

You know what?

I never should have given it away in the first place.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, no. Look, baby, I overreacted.

It was just...

You know, we were getting married,

and my mother, the woman who bore me,

took a day off from the bottling factory

and took the bus downtown

and dug deep into her heart and her bank account and bought us this.

Hey, what's this sticker on the back?

"Thank you for trying out for Wheel of Fortune.

"Please enjoy this consolation prize."

It's a re-gift.

That bitch.