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www.tvsubtitles.net
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00:00:01,662 --> 00:00:02,729
* All right!
3
00:00:02,796 --> 00:00:03,829
* Hey!
4
00:00:03,896 --> 00:00:06,229
* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
5
00:00:08,863 --> 00:00:10,896
EDDIE: I love
faculty pasta night.
6
00:00:11,529 --> 00:00:13,329
I'm going back in.
7
00:00:13,395 --> 00:00:16,395
Are you kidding?
You've had nine
plates of spaghetti.
8
00:00:16,462 --> 00:00:17,929
How can you not be full?
9
00:00:17,995 --> 00:00:20,329
Oh, I emptied her out
20 minutes ago.
10
00:00:25,995 --> 00:00:27,696
Hello there.
11
00:00:27,762 --> 00:00:29,529
Oh, hello, Father Woodcock.
12
00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:32,362
Are you here
to bless the buffet?
13
00:00:32,429 --> 00:00:34,662
It's called a mock
turtleneck, Eddie,
14
00:00:34,729 --> 00:00:36,729
and they happen to be
making a comeback.
15
00:00:36,796 --> 00:00:40,362
Yeah? Maybe you should
wait until they're
all the way back?
16
00:00:42,995 --> 00:00:46,529
Hey, hey. Have you met Lucy,
the new history teacher?
17
00:00:46,596 --> 00:00:48,929
You know, I heard she was
on the squash team at Penn.
18
00:00:48,995 --> 00:00:50,529
I think I might try
to get a game with her.
19
00:00:50,596 --> 00:00:52,863
Right. Well, you know what?
You're not gonna
want to do that.
20
00:00:52,929 --> 00:00:55,262
Why not?
Because you're
married now, Opie.
21
00:00:55,329 --> 00:00:57,963
And once you're married,
the only female friends
you can have
22
00:00:58,028 --> 00:00:59,929
are the ones that are
grandfathered in,
23
00:00:59,995 --> 00:01:02,262
and even they better be
really, really ugly.
24
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:06,229
Eddie, Steph and I
happen to trust each other.
25
00:01:06,295 --> 00:01:08,329
The last thing
that would threaten
either one of us...
26
00:01:08,395 --> 00:01:10,796
Is Steph talking
to the quarterback?
27
00:01:12,128 --> 00:01:14,028
Will you hold my plate?
28
00:01:15,529 --> 00:01:17,329
Salad.
29
00:01:17,395 --> 00:01:19,896
That's not gonna
silence the rumors.
30
00:01:22,329 --> 00:01:23,329
Hi, sweetie.
31
00:01:23,395 --> 00:01:25,195
Hey, Mr. Woodcock.
32
00:01:27,929 --> 00:01:29,429
Oh, is Steph your wife?
33
00:01:29,496 --> 00:01:32,796
Yes, Brian.
Mrs. Woodcock is my wife.
34
00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,062
So step off, hotshot.
35
00:01:38,896 --> 00:01:40,062
What was that about?
36
00:01:40,128 --> 00:01:41,562
That kid is a nightmare,
Steph.
37
00:01:41,629 --> 00:01:44,028
The other day,
I told him he couldn't wear
sunglasses in class.
38
00:01:44,095 --> 00:01:47,229
He cut my phone line off
and glued my office door shut.
39
00:01:47,295 --> 00:01:49,963
I was trapped in there
for five periods.
40
00:01:50,028 --> 00:01:53,963
Again, I'm sorry I thought
all your frantic e-mails
were a gag.
41
00:01:55,529 --> 00:01:57,496
Excuse me.
You're Eddie, right?
42
00:01:57,562 --> 00:01:59,662
I'm Lucy. I just joined
your department.
43
00:01:59,729 --> 00:02:03,128
Oh. Hi. Welcome. Great.
See you in the hallway.
44
00:02:03,195 --> 00:02:04,963
I have heard
so much about you.
45
00:02:05,028 --> 00:02:07,162
Everybody loves your class.
46
00:02:07,229 --> 00:02:10,028
Oh, and here's my wife
right now.
47
00:02:10,095 --> 00:02:11,629
Hi.
Speak of the devil.
48
00:02:11,696 --> 00:02:13,128
I'm Joy.
Lucy.
49
00:02:13,195 --> 00:02:14,929
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
50
00:02:14,995 --> 00:02:17,195
Anyway, I'm so new
to all this.
51
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:21,128
I'd love to get together
and just pick your brain
about my syllabus.
52
00:02:21,195 --> 00:02:23,596
Would it be okay
if I gave you my number?
53
00:02:23,662 --> 00:02:25,963
Did you hear about my wife?
54
00:02:26,028 --> 00:02:27,028
Yes.
55
00:02:27,095 --> 00:02:28,362
Hi.
Hi again.
56
00:02:28,429 --> 00:02:29,863
Hi.
57
00:02:29,929 --> 00:02:31,095
You know,
I don't have a pen.
58
00:02:31,162 --> 00:02:33,128
Me, neither.
I have one.
59
00:02:43,395 --> 00:02:45,295
I can't believe you brought
that spaghetti home.
60
00:02:45,362 --> 00:02:48,662
Oh, come on.
There was plenty leftover
for the shelter.
61
00:02:50,596 --> 00:02:52,262
All right, we gotta
make some room in here.
62
00:02:52,329 --> 00:02:55,562
Are you still keeping
this low-fat yogurt
dream alive?
63
00:02:55,629 --> 00:02:57,062
Yes, Eddie, I am.
64
00:02:57,128 --> 00:02:58,596
Okay, well,
something's gotta go.
65
00:02:58,662 --> 00:03:01,596
I'm looking at 20 pictures
of Paul Newman here.
66
00:03:06,128 --> 00:03:09,295
Why are you and I both
so afraid to finish jelly?
67
00:03:12,162 --> 00:03:13,562
What are you doing?
68
00:03:13,629 --> 00:03:15,496
I'm throwing away
Lucy's number.
Why?
69
00:03:15,562 --> 00:03:17,462
Because I've been
in this marriage
long enough to know
70
00:03:17,529 --> 00:03:21,995
that me dating another woman
while I'm still married to you
is probably a bad idea.
71
00:03:23,095 --> 00:03:24,662
She is your colleague.
72
00:03:24,729 --> 00:03:27,929
Yeah, a colleague
with lady parts.
73
00:03:27,995 --> 00:03:30,095
You think she's trying
to date you?
74
00:03:30,162 --> 00:03:32,362
Get over yourself.
She doesn't want you.
75
00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:34,362
And even if she did,
you wouldn't do anything.
76
00:03:34,429 --> 00:03:35,762
And even if you wanted
to do something,
77
00:03:35,829 --> 00:03:37,995
you wouldn't know
what to do.
78
00:03:39,796 --> 00:03:43,429
Trust me,
I'd know what to do.
79
00:03:43,496 --> 00:03:46,395
Do you even know
what's involved
in having an affair?
80
00:03:46,462 --> 00:03:48,295
Everything that
you're against.
81
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:50,863
Floral delivery,
candlelit restaurants,
82
00:03:50,929 --> 00:03:52,729
rendezvous in
seedy motels.
83
00:03:52,796 --> 00:03:54,128
What are you gonna do,
germ guy,
84
00:03:54,195 --> 00:03:56,162
bring your own bedspread?
85
00:03:56,229 --> 00:03:59,429
Okay, so what are you saying,
it's okay to hang out
with another woman?
86
00:03:59,496 --> 00:04:00,629
Yes.
87
00:04:00,696 --> 00:04:02,295
Oh, come on.
Are you kidding?
88
00:04:02,362 --> 00:04:04,262
You would be so jealous.
89
00:04:04,329 --> 00:04:06,195
Maybe you haven't noticed,
but we...
90
00:04:06,262 --> 00:04:08,529
We don't feel
jealousy anymore.
91
00:04:09,195 --> 00:04:10,963
We're dead inside.
92
00:04:11,629 --> 00:04:12,995
What?
Relax.
93
00:04:13,062 --> 00:04:14,295
In a good way.
94
00:04:14,362 --> 00:04:15,995
We're finally in a place
in our relationship
95
00:04:16,062 --> 00:04:18,062
where we're totally secure
because we both understand
96
00:04:18,128 --> 00:04:20,395
the other one has
no other options.
97
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:24,362
No, no, no, I think
we still get jealous.
98
00:04:24,429 --> 00:04:26,796
Oh, come on. I am the one
who suggests we go to Hooters
99
00:04:26,863 --> 00:04:28,295
'cause I like
the buffalo wings.
100
00:04:28,362 --> 00:04:30,896
And I don't get mad
when you tip 40%.
101
00:04:33,162 --> 00:04:34,629
Well, I still get jealous.
102
00:04:34,696 --> 00:04:36,662
Really? What did you
say to our gardener
103
00:04:36,729 --> 00:04:39,429
when you caught him
peeking in the window
at me in the shower?
104
00:04:39,496 --> 00:04:43,829
I said, "While you're there,
you might want to prune
the rhododendrons."
105
00:04:45,995 --> 00:04:48,195
Oh, my God,
we are dead inside.
106
00:04:49,229 --> 00:04:50,562
Give the lady a call.
107
00:04:50,629 --> 00:04:51,696
You want me to call her?
108
00:04:51,762 --> 00:04:53,329
I do.
109
00:04:53,395 --> 00:04:57,128
And this isn't
gonna come back
and bite me in the ass?
110
00:04:57,195 --> 00:05:00,128
No, that part of
our relationship
is dead also.
111
00:05:05,995 --> 00:05:06,995
(JINGLE PLAYING)
112
00:05:15,462 --> 00:05:18,195
Hey. Wayne, Brian,
Sebastian.
113
00:05:18,262 --> 00:05:20,896
Uh, hey, guys, you know,
114
00:05:20,963 --> 00:05:23,729
I love the smell
of sweet cherry hickory
as much as the next guy,
115
00:05:23,796 --> 00:05:27,295
but you cannot smoke
a pipe in high school.
116
00:05:27,362 --> 00:05:30,629
The thing is,
my grandfather
was an Indian chief.
117
00:05:30,696 --> 00:05:32,462
My people have
lost everything.
118
00:05:32,529 --> 00:05:35,796
You want to take this
away from me, too?
119
00:05:35,863 --> 00:05:37,829
Look, guys, I'm just
trying to do my job here.
120
00:05:37,896 --> 00:05:38,896
Please, can you
give me a break?
Hey.
121
00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:41,362
Put the pipe out.
All right.
122
00:05:41,429 --> 00:05:43,229
Sorry, Mr. Woodcock.
123
00:05:43,295 --> 00:05:45,995
Really?
Well, thanks, guys.
124
00:05:46,062 --> 00:05:47,195
Yeah, no problem.
125
00:05:47,262 --> 00:05:49,995
Hey, and by the way,
how's Mrs. Woodcock?
126
00:05:51,195 --> 00:05:52,729
She's...
127
00:05:52,796 --> 00:05:53,863
She's good.
Oh, no.
128
00:05:53,929 --> 00:05:56,863
She's better than good.
She's a hottie.
129
00:05:56,929 --> 00:05:58,662
Nice job with that.
130
00:06:04,162 --> 00:06:05,429
Yeah.
131
00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:11,095
(DOORBELL RINGS)
132
00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:13,128
Eddie, your date's here!
133
00:06:16,395 --> 00:06:18,729
Oh, look,
you tucked in for her!
134
00:06:24,295 --> 00:06:25,529
Hi, Lucy.
Hi.
135
00:06:25,596 --> 00:06:26,662
Hi.
How are you?
136
00:06:26,729 --> 00:06:28,095
Hello. Welcome.
Come on in.
137
00:06:28,162 --> 00:06:30,095
Thank you so much
for having me over.
138
00:06:30,162 --> 00:06:32,929
Why don't you two
go in there and start
your learning thing
139
00:06:32,995 --> 00:06:34,863
and maybe I'll
fix you a snack.
140
00:06:34,929 --> 00:06:36,896
(LAUGHS) Fantastic.
141
00:06:39,696 --> 00:06:41,562
Please, sit down.
Thank you.
142
00:06:41,629 --> 00:06:45,529
Now, for American history,
I made a copy of my syllabus.
143
00:06:47,062 --> 00:06:50,295
Wow. So all of January
is musket month?
144
00:06:51,362 --> 00:06:52,896
That's correct.
145
00:06:54,863 --> 00:06:56,395
I know I spent a lot
of time on warfare,
146
00:06:56,462 --> 00:07:00,329
but peace is kind of boring,
don't you think?
147
00:07:00,395 --> 00:07:01,995
(STAMMERING) No. It's good.
148
00:07:02,062 --> 00:07:03,629
I mean, "The lessons
of history are written
149
00:07:03,696 --> 00:07:06,195
"by the wounded,
not the dead," right?
150
00:07:06,262 --> 00:07:08,162
Oh, my God, that's from
Marshall Duffy's book,
151
00:07:08,229 --> 00:07:10,028
A Historical Take on History.
152
00:07:10,095 --> 00:07:11,829
You know that book?
153
00:07:11,896 --> 00:07:15,162
What, are you kidding?
He is my favorite author.
I love him.
154
00:07:15,229 --> 00:07:18,796
Me, too. You know,
so many people think
his book is boring.
155
00:07:18,863 --> 00:07:20,395
I think his writing
is phenomenal.
156
00:07:20,462 --> 00:07:22,562
Well, if you like
his writing,
157
00:07:22,629 --> 00:07:25,229
tell me what you think
of his handwriting
158
00:07:25,295 --> 00:07:28,362
in this personal inscription
made out to me!
159
00:07:28,429 --> 00:07:29,829
No way!
160
00:07:30,529 --> 00:07:32,295
"Keep making history."
161
00:07:32,362 --> 00:07:34,562
Eddie, this is awesome.
162
00:07:34,629 --> 00:07:38,562
Yeah. I kept the pen.
It's a Bic.
163
00:07:38,629 --> 00:07:40,762
All right. You know,
he's speaking at
that bookstore
164
00:07:40,829 --> 00:07:42,696
by school on Saturday.
Are you going?
165
00:07:42,762 --> 00:07:45,329
Well, I better be.
I'm moderating the Q&A.
166
00:07:45,395 --> 00:07:47,062
(EXCLAIMS)
167
00:07:47,128 --> 00:07:49,863
Oh, my God, you're my hero.
168
00:07:49,929 --> 00:07:51,829
No, no, no.
Duffy's the hero.
169
00:07:51,896 --> 00:07:54,395
How about that chapter
he wrote on
the Teapot Dome scandal?
170
00:07:54,462 --> 00:07:57,062
I know. He totally
turns it on its head.
171
00:07:57,128 --> 00:08:00,896
Yeah, finally somebody
has Warren G. Harding's
back, right?
172
00:08:00,963 --> 00:08:04,963
We were out of cookies,
so I defrosted
some guacamole.
173
00:08:05,028 --> 00:08:07,929
You know, I'm just
really glad that someone
is finally reminding us
174
00:08:07,995 --> 00:08:09,896
that it's Albert Fall
who took that bribe.
175
00:08:09,963 --> 00:08:12,963
Thank you. And that
son of a bitch
Harry Sinclair
176
00:08:13,028 --> 00:08:15,062
and how he tampered
with that jury.
177
00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:16,762
I stuck my tongue in it.
I hope that's okay.
178
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:18,929
Oh, yeah...
179
00:08:18,995 --> 00:08:21,529
That's sweet, honey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
180
00:08:21,596 --> 00:08:22,696
This chapter on the...
181
00:08:22,762 --> 00:08:23,863
Oh, don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
182
00:08:23,929 --> 00:08:25,229
The Tennessee
Valley Authority.
183
00:08:25,295 --> 00:08:26,562
Oh, he nailed that.
184
00:08:26,629 --> 00:08:28,062
Yes!
Yes!
185
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,629
Anybody need a cigarette?
186
00:08:40,529 --> 00:08:41,662
(JINGLE PLAYING)
187
00:08:44,562 --> 00:08:46,128
Honey, when you
asked me out for lunch,
188
00:08:46,195 --> 00:08:48,896
I kind of thought we were
going someplace nice.
189
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,829
The cafeteria's not nice?
190
00:08:50,896 --> 00:08:54,195
Excuse me, we just
recarpeted this pole.
191
00:08:54,262 --> 00:08:55,662
Besides, you know,
you get a chance
192
00:08:55,729 --> 00:08:57,995
to see me do my thing,
meet some people.
193
00:08:58,062 --> 00:08:59,362
Huh?
194
00:08:59,429 --> 00:09:01,062
Hey! Scott!
195
00:09:01,128 --> 00:09:03,496
Rahim, it's the wifeski.
196
00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:07,395
Not too shabby, huh?
197
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:11,195
Hey. You want to go sit
by the window?
198
00:09:11,262 --> 00:09:12,462
Hey, Mr. Woodcock.
199
00:09:12,529 --> 00:09:15,329
Hey, let's sit
next to Brian.
200
00:09:15,395 --> 00:09:17,662
Wait. Isn't he
the guy who glued
you into your office?
201
00:09:17,729 --> 00:09:19,863
Yeah. Yeah. He's crazy.
202
00:09:19,929 --> 00:09:21,462
He's awesome.
203
00:09:24,596 --> 00:09:25,729
(JINGLE PLAYING)
204
00:09:28,995 --> 00:09:30,162
What you watching?
205
00:09:30,229 --> 00:09:32,462
Dog show.
The terriers are up.
206
00:09:32,529 --> 00:09:34,395
Little legs, big hearts.
207
00:09:39,095 --> 00:09:40,329
You know,
our couch is an L.
208
00:09:40,395 --> 00:09:43,329
You have a whole other
wing over there.
209
00:09:43,395 --> 00:09:44,796
I want to be close to you.
210
00:09:44,863 --> 00:09:47,496
Okay. I believe
I have a pit open.
211
00:09:50,963 --> 00:09:52,395
(CHUCKLES)
212
00:09:52,462 --> 00:09:54,596
Wow. If she's going to be
running with that dog,
213
00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:55,929
she might want to get
a better bra.
214
00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:58,562
Yeah. I bet those things
weigh more than her beagle.
215
00:09:58,629 --> 00:09:59,662
(LAUGHS)
216
00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:01,362
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
217
00:10:05,829 --> 00:10:07,863
Hello.
218
00:10:07,929 --> 00:10:10,062
Hi. Yeah, he's here.
Hold on.
219
00:10:10,829 --> 00:10:11,995
Lucy.
220
00:10:12,062 --> 00:10:13,229
Oh, really?
She probably wants to know
221
00:10:13,295 --> 00:10:15,195
when the book Q&A
starts tomorrow.
222
00:10:15,262 --> 00:10:16,596
Oh, she's going to that?
223
00:10:16,662 --> 00:10:19,429
Of course she is.
It's her favorite book.
224
00:10:20,262 --> 00:10:21,762
Go for Eddie.
225
00:10:23,262 --> 00:10:24,829
Really?
226
00:10:24,896 --> 00:10:26,362
Right now?
What right now?
227
00:10:26,429 --> 00:10:28,095
What channel?
What is it?
228
00:10:28,162 --> 00:10:32,362
The History Channel
is re-enacting the entire
Iran-Contra scandal.
229
00:10:32,429 --> 00:10:35,696
But the doberman's
about to mount
the chihuahua.
230
00:10:35,762 --> 00:10:37,796
Remind you of anything?
231
00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,028
Okay.
232
00:10:40,095 --> 00:10:42,229
Oh, gosh, this is gonna be
the 17 best hours
233
00:10:42,295 --> 00:10:43,562
of television ever.
234
00:10:43,629 --> 00:10:45,162
You don't mind,
do you, honey?
235
00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:46,462
No, no, you
236
00:10:46,529 --> 00:10:47,696
enjoy.
237
00:10:49,162 --> 00:10:51,162
Oh, who's that
playing Ronald Reagan?
238
00:10:51,229 --> 00:10:53,429
Oh, they got
John Larroquette.
239
00:10:55,195 --> 00:10:56,195
(LAUGHING)
240
00:10:56,262 --> 00:10:58,195
(SNAPPING FINGERS)
241
00:10:58,262 --> 00:10:59,596
(INAUDIBLE)
242
00:11:01,462 --> 00:11:04,162
Ah, that looks just like
the Oval Office.
243
00:11:04,229 --> 00:11:05,395
No, no, never been,
but I've seen
244
00:11:05,462 --> 00:11:07,162
American President
nine times.
245
00:11:08,629 --> 00:11:10,429
Oh, jellybeans on the desk.
246
00:11:10,496 --> 00:11:11,863
Nice touch.
247
00:11:13,128 --> 00:11:14,462
* Oh!
248
00:11:14,529 --> 00:11:16,529
* Oh, oh, baby
249
00:11:16,596 --> 00:11:19,028
Put down your Cosmo
and shave your legs.
We're going out.
250
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,395
Really?
Where are we going?
251
00:11:20,462 --> 00:11:22,395
Parking lot
behind the water tower.
252
00:11:23,762 --> 00:11:25,028
What?
Yeah.
253
00:11:25,095 --> 00:11:26,995
I'm gonna need you to wear
something special, too.
254
00:11:27,062 --> 00:11:28,295
(EXCLAIMS)
255
00:11:28,362 --> 00:11:30,028
This is nice.
256
00:11:30,095 --> 00:11:31,529
I'm not wearing a camisole.
257
00:11:31,596 --> 00:11:33,462
It's 10 degrees out.
258
00:11:33,529 --> 00:11:35,762
All right, uh...
259
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:38,362
Oh, how about this
nice warm sweater
260
00:11:38,429 --> 00:11:40,128
with some kitten tights, huh?
261
00:11:40,195 --> 00:11:42,863
Okay, Brian's got a curfew.
Chop-chop, we gotta move.
262
00:11:42,929 --> 00:11:45,028
Brian?
Jeff, this is insane.
263
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:47,696
We're not gonna go out
with a bunch
of high school kids.
264
00:11:47,762 --> 00:11:49,562
Why are you doing this?
265
00:11:49,629 --> 00:11:51,128
Look, honey...
266
00:11:51,195 --> 00:11:52,229
Honey, look.
267
00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:55,796
I know this may come
as a shock to you,
268
00:11:55,863 --> 00:11:58,529
but I was not that popular
in high school.
269
00:11:58,596 --> 00:12:01,395
I mean, sure, everyone
in the magic club loved me,
270
00:12:01,462 --> 00:12:06,362
but outside of that world
it was a very lonely place.
271
00:12:06,429 --> 00:12:08,662
And I don't know how the hell
I landed you, but...
272
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:10,362
You know, when I brought
you in the other day,
273
00:12:10,429 --> 00:12:13,295
it was like it gave me
this street cred that
I've never had before,
274
00:12:13,362 --> 00:12:17,696
and I was able to become
everything I never was
in high school.
275
00:12:17,762 --> 00:12:21,329
Honey, don't worry so much
about being cool.
276
00:12:21,395 --> 00:12:22,896
I've been with cool guys,
277
00:12:22,963 --> 00:12:24,128
a lot of cool guys.
278
00:12:24,195 --> 00:12:25,863
Like, 15 of them.
279
00:12:27,128 --> 00:12:29,429
This one guy, Dave,
he was a Navy SEAL.
280
00:12:29,496 --> 00:12:30,896
You could drop him
out of a helicopter,
281
00:12:30,963 --> 00:12:34,162
like, anywhere in the world
and he could survive.
282
00:12:35,028 --> 00:12:38,362
He was really, really cool.
283
00:12:38,429 --> 00:12:39,995
But I never loved
any of them
284
00:12:40,062 --> 00:12:43,329
the way I love a nice
nerdy guy like you.
285
00:12:43,395 --> 00:12:45,696
Really?
Yeah.
286
00:12:45,762 --> 00:12:48,929
Let's stay home
and be all nerdy together.
287
00:12:48,995 --> 00:12:51,395
You want to show me
a magic trick?
288
00:12:52,128 --> 00:12:53,162
Okay.
289
00:12:54,796 --> 00:12:57,229
Don't move.
I gotta find my false thumb.
290
00:12:58,195 --> 00:12:59,729
I'll be here.
291
00:13:04,262 --> 00:13:06,262
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
292
00:14:03,529 --> 00:14:04,629
(JINGLE PLAYING)
293
00:14:09,028 --> 00:14:10,429
(LOUDLY)
Good afternoon every...
294
00:14:10,496 --> 00:14:12,362
(FEEDBACK RINGING)
Okay, that isn't gonna...
295
00:14:12,429 --> 00:14:14,462
That isn't...
That isn't necessary.
296
00:14:14,529 --> 00:14:17,195
Um, I guess
we'll go unplugged,
297
00:14:17,262 --> 00:14:20,462
as the, uh,
young people say, uh,
298
00:14:20,529 --> 00:14:21,729
today.
299
00:14:21,796 --> 00:14:23,229
Anyway, it is a, um,
300
00:14:23,295 --> 00:14:24,562
a great honor
301
00:14:24,629 --> 00:14:26,462
to introduce the author
302
00:14:26,529 --> 00:14:30,195
of one of the most
influential books of our time.
303
00:14:30,262 --> 00:14:34,529
The incomparable
professor Marshall Duffy.
304
00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:42,863
It's great to be here.
305
00:14:42,929 --> 00:14:44,329
Oh, yes, young lady.
306
00:14:44,395 --> 00:14:47,028
I had a question
about your chapter on crops.
307
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:49,629
If indigo had been
as stable a commodity
308
00:14:49,696 --> 00:14:51,629
as rice or cotton,
309
00:14:51,696 --> 00:14:53,395
what effect
would that have had
310
00:14:53,462 --> 00:14:57,162
on the formation
of the South Carolina
aristocracy?
311
00:14:57,229 --> 00:15:00,429
Wow. This crowd
is throwing some heat.
312
00:15:00,496 --> 00:15:02,696
That is
a brilliant question.
313
00:15:02,762 --> 00:15:06,395
Well, I never really
considered that hypothetical.
314
00:15:06,462 --> 00:15:07,829
Huh.
315
00:15:07,896 --> 00:15:10,963
You just gave me the idea
for my next book.
316
00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:15,229
Next question.
317
00:15:15,295 --> 00:15:17,529
Uh, young lady
in the back.
318
00:15:17,596 --> 00:15:18,629
Joy?
319
00:15:18,696 --> 00:15:21,262
Hi, Professor Duffy,
320
00:15:21,329 --> 00:15:22,929
amazing book.
321
00:15:22,995 --> 00:15:24,529
Read all of it.
322
00:15:25,429 --> 00:15:26,529
Anyway,
323
00:15:26,596 --> 00:15:30,529
on, uh, on page one
of your book,
324
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:32,462
you said that,
325
00:15:32,529 --> 00:15:35,729
"American history
is always evolving."
326
00:15:35,796 --> 00:15:38,729
And then, um,
quite a bit further
327
00:15:39,429 --> 00:15:40,829
on page one,
328
00:15:41,896 --> 00:15:43,762
you said that
the Constitution
329
00:15:43,829 --> 00:15:46,095
is a constant.
330
00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:48,696
How do you reconcile
those ideas?
331
00:15:48,762 --> 00:15:50,262
Well,
332
00:15:50,329 --> 00:15:52,929
I think on page two
333
00:15:59,062 --> 00:16:01,896
I explain that
that was the paradox
334
00:16:01,963 --> 00:16:04,229
of American history.
335
00:16:04,295 --> 00:16:09,095
And then I spent
the next 1,000 or so pages
exploring it.
336
00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:13,329
And explore it you did.
337
00:16:13,395 --> 00:16:17,829
I, for one, want to thank you
for taking me on that journey.
338
00:16:19,662 --> 00:16:23,729
Oh, I... Actually,
I have a follow-up question.
339
00:16:23,796 --> 00:16:25,429
Uh, and this one
is really, uh,
340
00:16:25,496 --> 00:16:26,963
more about your process.
341
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:28,762
Um, do you...
342
00:16:28,829 --> 00:16:34,062
Do you write at home,
or, like, at Starbucks?
343
00:16:34,128 --> 00:16:36,762
I'll take my answer
sitting down.
344
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,195
The university
is kind enough
345
00:16:39,262 --> 00:16:41,362
to lend me an office
346
00:16:43,262 --> 00:16:45,963
in a building that's
named after me.
347
00:16:54,162 --> 00:16:56,462
Okay, and we are back.
348
00:16:57,929 --> 00:17:01,162
I think, uh,
Lucy has another question.
349
00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:03,429
Yes. You claim that Eurasia's
350
00:17:03,496 --> 00:17:07,596
latitudinal geography
accounts for their greater
population density.
351
00:17:07,662 --> 00:17:10,529
That's really
more of a statement
than a question.
352
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:12,496
My question is,
353
00:17:12,562 --> 00:17:16,762
weren't cultural
and social differences
also a factor?
354
00:17:16,829 --> 00:17:18,963
(STAMMERING) I was gonna
ask that question!
355
00:17:19,028 --> 00:17:20,128
I have it right here.
356
00:17:20,195 --> 00:17:21,496
Professor Duffy, look.
357
00:17:23,662 --> 00:17:27,295
Excellent question,
but I would contend
358
00:17:27,362 --> 00:17:29,963
that social
and cultural differences
359
00:17:30,028 --> 00:17:32,596
are ultimately a product of
360
00:17:32,662 --> 00:17:33,729
geography.
361
00:17:33,796 --> 00:17:34,796
(LAUGHS)
362
00:17:36,662 --> 00:17:39,329
Time to bring out
the big guns.
363
00:17:39,395 --> 00:17:41,329
Professor Duffy,
364
00:17:41,395 --> 00:17:43,395
I have another question.
365
00:17:43,462 --> 00:17:46,529
Oh, dear God.
366
00:17:46,596 --> 00:17:48,429
I noticed that your book
367
00:17:48,496 --> 00:17:51,562
was copyrighted in 2002,
368
00:17:51,629 --> 00:17:55,162
2003, and 2005.
369
00:17:55,229 --> 00:17:57,128
What went wrong in '04?
370
00:17:59,262 --> 00:18:01,529
Ok, I think that's
enough of the questions.
371
00:18:01,596 --> 00:18:03,529
Uh, this might be
a great time...
372
00:18:03,596 --> 00:18:05,362
Who would like to hear
Professor Duffy read
373
00:18:05,429 --> 00:18:07,963
from the chapter
on the Homestead Act?
374
00:18:08,028 --> 00:18:09,095
Huh?
375
00:18:09,995 --> 00:18:11,429
Okay, excuse me.
376
00:18:11,496 --> 00:18:14,696
May I see you in Music, Art,
and Dance, please?
377
00:18:14,762 --> 00:18:16,095
(DUFFY READING)
378
00:18:16,162 --> 00:18:17,329
What?
379
00:18:17,395 --> 00:18:19,062
Are you out of your mind?
What are you doing?
380
00:18:19,128 --> 00:18:22,896
I came here to hear
Marshall Duffy speak
381
00:18:22,963 --> 00:18:24,929
about my new
favorite book.
382
00:18:24,995 --> 00:18:26,028
Oh, really?
383
00:18:26,095 --> 00:18:27,095
What's it called?
384
00:18:27,162 --> 00:18:28,295
(SIGHS)
385
00:18:28,362 --> 00:18:31,195
Big Boring Book.
386
00:18:31,262 --> 00:18:32,596
Uh-huh.
387
00:18:32,662 --> 00:18:34,229
And maybe you can tell me
why you're showing your melons
388
00:18:34,295 --> 00:18:36,896
like we're at
a farmer's market.
389
00:18:38,028 --> 00:18:40,062
Oh. So you noticed.
390
00:18:40,128 --> 00:18:42,529
I'm surprised you could
take your eyes
off your new girlfriend.
391
00:18:42,596 --> 00:18:44,896
What?
"Oh, do you like that book?
I love that book."
392
00:18:44,963 --> 00:18:46,028
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
"Oh, I love that book."
393
00:18:46,095 --> 00:18:47,229
(IMITATING KISSING)
394
00:18:47,295 --> 00:18:50,128
"Yes! Yes!"
395
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:51,429
(STAMMERING)
Oh, now, wait a minute.
396
00:18:51,496 --> 00:18:52,863
You're mad at me?
397
00:18:52,929 --> 00:18:54,329
Yes, I'm mad at you.
398
00:18:54,395 --> 00:18:55,596
About Lucy?
399
00:18:55,662 --> 00:18:56,963
You're the one
who made me call her.
400
00:18:57,028 --> 00:18:58,262
You're the one
who gave her the pen.
401
00:18:58,329 --> 00:18:59,863
You're the one
who said it wouldn't
bite me in the ass,
402
00:18:59,929 --> 00:19:02,863
and now I'm missing
a big old hairy chunk!
403
00:19:04,529 --> 00:19:06,362
I'm sorry.
404
00:19:06,429 --> 00:19:07,596
I'm jealous, okay?
405
00:19:07,662 --> 00:19:09,295
There, I said it.
I'm jealous.
406
00:19:09,362 --> 00:19:10,863
Well, jealous of what?
407
00:19:10,929 --> 00:19:13,929
What? Joy, we're not even
doing anything here?
408
00:19:13,995 --> 00:19:16,395
It's not about
that stuff, Eddie.
409
00:19:16,462 --> 00:19:18,729
It's about the way
that your eyes light up
410
00:19:18,796 --> 00:19:21,496
when you talk
about history with her.
411
00:19:21,562 --> 00:19:23,929
We never connected over
412
00:19:23,995 --> 00:19:26,262
intellectual stuff.
413
00:19:26,329 --> 00:19:29,429
We mostly just bonded
over these.
414
00:19:29,496 --> 00:19:31,529
Well, what's wrong
about bonding over those?
415
00:19:31,596 --> 00:19:33,629
I love bonding over those.
416
00:19:33,696 --> 00:19:35,462
As a matter of fact,
when you were asleep
last night,
417
00:19:35,529 --> 00:19:37,462
I bonded over those.
418
00:19:38,762 --> 00:19:40,229
But are these enough?
419
00:19:40,295 --> 00:19:41,562
I mean, what about these?
420
00:19:41,629 --> 00:19:43,262
Well, look.
421
00:19:43,329 --> 00:19:45,162
Joy, I love
what's in your sweater,
422
00:19:45,229 --> 00:19:46,629
and I love what's up here,
423
00:19:46,696 --> 00:19:49,762
and I love when we do this.
424
00:19:49,829 --> 00:19:51,262
I didn't know
you were interested.
425
00:19:51,329 --> 00:19:52,496
You want to bond
over the book,
426
00:19:52,562 --> 00:19:54,195
we can bond over the book.
427
00:19:54,262 --> 00:19:55,829
No, I don't want
to bond over the book.
428
00:19:55,896 --> 00:19:57,796
I hate the stupid book.
429
00:20:02,529 --> 00:20:04,596
(STAMMERING) Not your book.
No, it's...
430
00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,028
This book right here.
431
00:20:06,095 --> 00:20:07,896
Charles...
432
00:20:07,963 --> 00:20:09,496
Charles Dickens sucks.
433
00:20:13,229 --> 00:20:16,195
Where does this
leave us, huh?
434
00:20:16,262 --> 00:20:17,729
Well, I guess
we're not dead inside.
435
00:20:17,796 --> 00:20:20,095
Well, I guess we're not.
436
00:20:20,162 --> 00:20:21,929
That's a good thing, right?
437
00:20:21,995 --> 00:20:23,995
Yeah, that's a good thing.
438
00:20:24,062 --> 00:20:26,229
So what do you want me to do?
439
00:20:26,295 --> 00:20:29,596
I say you toss
that history hussy's
phone number away,
440
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:32,095
and let's go home
and bond over these
441
00:20:32,162 --> 00:20:34,062
while I'm still awake.
442
00:20:35,028 --> 00:20:36,462
All right.
443
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:40,496
Hey, hey, hey, wait.
Could we just
444
00:20:40,562 --> 00:20:42,529
wait until he's done
with the Homestead Act
chapter?
445
00:20:42,596 --> 00:20:45,496
This part kind of gets me
a little fired up.
446
00:20:56,629 --> 00:20:58,295
(PHONE RINGING)
447
00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:05,329
Hello.
448
00:21:05,395 --> 00:21:08,863
Okay. Honey, slow down.
Just tell me what happened.
449
00:21:08,929 --> 00:21:12,729
You're glued into
your office again?
450
00:21:12,796 --> 00:21:16,128
Oh, my God.
Did you do magic
for the guys?
451
00:21:16,195 --> 00:21:18,429
I begged you not to do that.
452
00:21:18,496 --> 00:21:20,929
Tell me you didn't
wear your cape.
453
00:21:20,995 --> 00:21:22,629
I'm sorry, cloak.
454
00:21:23,696 --> 00:21:26,262
You wore it to the cafeteria?
455
00:21:26,329 --> 00:21:28,229
Okay, Babe, okay.
Don't freak out.
456
00:21:28,295 --> 00:21:30,562
If you freak out,
the rabbit will freak out.
457
00:21:30,629 --> 00:21:31,929
I'll be right there.
32847
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