All language subtitles for remux-Til.Death.S01E13.DVDRip.XviD-TOPAZ_track3_[eng]

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* All right!

* Hey!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Hi, Shiny.

Hey, babe.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this?

Pancakes? Bacon? Omelets?

Am I dreaming
or are we having
breakfast for dinner?

Oh, it's real, big boy.

As real as these eggs
that expired yesterday.

I like your style, lady.

We are going to
eat what we want,
when we want it,

even if we get a little
salmonella doing it.

(BANGING)

Do you think that it's time
we got a new fridge?

'Cause I think
this is ridiculous.

Ridiculous or sexy?

You know, I got to tell you,
you stabbing stuff just
gets my motor going.

Eddie, I don't have
a lot of big dreams,

but one that I do have
is getting a nice,

symmetrical ice cube
out of my freezer

without the risk of
plunging a spike
through my hand.

Yeah, but you see,
you get yourself
a new refrigerator

and all of a sudden,
the stove starts
looking old,

and then the cabinets
are ugly,

and pretty soon,
your whole life
just looks bad.

And you got to drink booze
just to get through the day,

and you got to have pills
to sleep at night

and you get fired
from your job

and you end up
on the street.

So, no new refrigerator.
You're welcome.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, what are you
doing Saturday?

Watching That's So Raven
in my underwear.

What are you doing?

Well, I read about
this marriage workshop
I think we should go to.

Whoa, whoa.
What's happening?

Why do we need
marriage counseling?

Did you...
Did you cheat on me?

You can tell me, Joy.
We can work through this,

but don't send me
to counseling.

No. I didn't cheat on you.
And it's not counseling.

It's Tammy Thomas Tomlinson's
marriage workshop

for happy couples
who want to stay happy.

Well, come on.
That doesn't make any sense.

If we're already happy,
the best way to stay happy
is by doing nothing.

Think of it
as a marriage tune-up.

You know, just getting
under the hood and
checking our fluids.

I don't want anyone named
Tammy Thomas Tomlinson
anywhere near my fluids.

Come on. It'll be fun.
It's only four Saturday
seminars.

That's like saying
it's only four catheters.

Eddie, I want to try
this thing.

(STAMMERING)
Look. I could say no
and end it right now,

or else I could say yes

and then be sick
for the next four
Saturdays in a row.

You know, I can make
my glands swell up
like a bullfrog.

Yeah. You're quite a catch.

You know what? Never mind.
Forget I mentioned it.

Ah. Okay. See?

Conflict resolution.

We don't need a workshop
by Tammy Tucker Tinklebaum
to tell us that, right?

You want to know
who the real genius is?

Mr. Tammy Tucker Tinklebaum.
Yeah.

"Oh, honey, you know
everything about marriage.

"Hey, here's a good idea.

"Why don't you go away
every weekend

"and share your wisdom
with everyone in the world,

"and I'll just sit here
and watch football alone?"

Yeah.

I'll take a class from
that guy. I'll tell you
that right now.

(LAUGHING)

* Yeah!

* Oh, oh, oh!

(CHUCKLES)

What's so funny?

I'm grading these papers.
Check out this answer.

"Who was the first
Chief Justice of the
U.S. Supreme Court?"

Answer, "The honorable
Don K. Balls."

Don K. Balls.

(SNICKERS)

"F" for "funny"
and "future fry cook."

What the hell was that?

Oh. Oh, I'm reusing baggies.

Just trying to save
a little money.

Oh, really?
Mmm-hmm.

I'll tell you what.
Here's 10 bucks.

You can buy yourself
about a million Ziplocs.

Oh, you laugh, but every
little penny helps.

Steph is out of control
with money.

You know, the other day,
she bought a suede jacket

that cost more than
my entire wardrobe.

So, what, like a $30 jacket?

I'm a vice-principal, okay?

I am not making crazy
principal jack here.

I even told Steph that
she should talk to me

before spending
the money that I earn.

I bet that went over well.

No. It didn't. Actually had
a pretty big fight about it

and she said she would
return the jacket.

All right.
So, happy ending, right?

That's the thing, Eddie.
She didn't return it.

She went to this
yoga class with a friend

and then she came back
with all this new stuff

about how even though
I earn the money,
we're married,

so it's our money
and everything
should be 50-50.

Whoa. Wait a minute.
Did you say that

she went to a yoga class
with a friend?

Yeah. Mandy.

Okay. I see what's
happening here.

You, young master Jeffrey,
are a victim of
a fight friend.

(SIGHS) Okay, I'll bite.
What's a fight friend?

It's a person your
wife runs to when
you're having fights

so she can reload with
a new set of arguments.

Some people call them
fight friends,

other people call them
beeyatches.

Either way, you lose.

You know, I met Mandy once.
She was kind of a beeyatch.

Okay. There you go.

You know,
Joy had a beeyatch.

Her name was
Janice Indelicato.

She used to make my life
a living hell.

Fortunately, she developed
a rare skin disease

and had to move to Switzerland
for treatment.

So, what am I
supposed to do?

Well, you're not going
to fight two women,
that's for sure.

I mean, you married Steph,
not her friend.

Does Steph let you have
make-up sex with her friend?

If so, God bless.
If not, you got to
put a stop to it.

You know what, you're right.
I should nip this
right in the bud.

Yeah. Good for you.

By the way, you know
that the $10 was a joke.

Here's your flight
and hotel information,
and you're all set.

You two are going
to love Brazil.

Couple of things
to keep in mind.

Just because
everyone else is
sunbathing topless,

don't feel that
you need to.

And if you run out of
your meds, don't worry,

because they're very
cheap down there.

(JOY CHUCKLING)

Oh, and one more thing.

Some of the women
may actually be men.

Okay! Have fun.
Okay. Thanks.

Bye-bye.

They're going to die
down there.

I thought they were
going to die in here.

Oh, allow me.

Looking good.

Out you go.

(GRUNTS)

Hey, baby.
Hey, honey.

Eddie, hi.
Hey, Nicole.

Make sure you say hi
to your adorable
husband for me.

I will.
Oh, and you know
when you were over

at my house on Sunday
playing cards?

That cake you ate
out of the freezer?

That was from my wedding.

We ran out of chips.

What are you
doing here?

Well, I figured I was
open for lunch today,

so I thought it was time
to come down here

and toss a burger
down your throat.

Oh, thank you.

And also, I wanted
to make sure there were
no hard feelings about

the marriage workshop thing,

because, as you know,
you're my best gal.

Mmm. That's sweet.

Hey, actually, speaking of
that marriage workshop,

I was doing some thinking.

You were?

I mean, doesn't the fact
that you won't even do
this little thing for me

speak to maybe
a larger problem,

like a lack of connection?

Which makes me believe
we actually do need
the workshop.

What?

Wait a minute.
What's with the nod?

What do you mean?

Do you have anything
to do with this?

Me? I'm not the one
who's afraid to get
better as a man.

I can't believe
you got yourself
a new fight friend.

Oh, what?
You are being paranoid.

Paranoid? I saw
the way she nodded.

I'm allowed to nod.
It's a free country.

Okay, yes.
Yes, I talked to Nicole.
She had a good point.

What, now you're
going to stop me
from talking to her?

No, I just want to know
how long the two of you
have been carrying on.

The "Let's try Indian food"
fight.

Did she have something
to do with that?

You never want
to try new things.

How is this
any of your business?

Well, apparently,
I'm married to both of you,

so why just don't
the three of us
go out to lunch?

That would be delightful.

I could eat a burger.

(STAMMERING)

Come on, let's get it.

What just happened?

Sure you don't want to
come to yoga with me?

No, thanks. Last time I went,

there was this extremely
flexible old man that
really freaked me out.

Hey, do you have any money?
I'm out of cash.

I was going to stop
at that yogurt place
with Mandy after.

Yeah. Sure.
Let me see what I got.

Ah, I got $40,
and 20 for you.

50-50, right?

Honey, you're not still
mad about our money fight,
are you?

No, no, no. You were right.

We're married. It's our money.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Oh, a birthday card
from my grammy.

Aw.

(GASPS) $100?

She's too sweet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

What?

You just had this whole thing
about how our money's
supposed to be 50-50.

Yeah. So?

Well, you got two
$50 bills in your pocket,

and my 20.

Just trying to figure out
the rules here, you know,
just...

What are you saying?

You want half of my grammy's
birthday money?

Well, considering that's
the biggest paycheck

you've gotten
this fiscal year.

Jeff, this is
a birthday present
from my grandmother.

I understand that,
and Grammy's great.

She's a fine lady
when she's awake.

I just... Look.

I don't understand
why this doesn't
flow both ways.

Because this is different.

Different how?

I don't know, but I'm
sure it's different.

I have to go to yoga.
We'll talk about this later.

Whoa, no, no, no, no.
Hey.

You're not going
anywhere, all right?

Especially not to meet
your fight friend.

My what?

Mandy, the mastermind
behind your whole big
suede jacket scam.

I shouldn't have
to fight two women

unless I get to have
make-up sex with Mandy, too.

Scratch that. It's bad.
Scratch that.

Look, this fight is
between you and me,

and you are not leaving
until this is over.

Did you just lock me
in my own house?

No.

Well, drive safely, honey.

Okay. In exactly
T-minus 36 hours,

I'm going to be stuck
in a hotel ballroom

with Tammy Thomas Tomlinson

telling me why I'm a failure
to my wife, myself,
and perhaps my Lord.

Tammy Tigger Thomason?
What is that, a puppet?

No. She's a marriage
counselor,

and your wife put that
idea in Joy's head.

Really?
Yes.

You should've seen the way
they double-teamed me
yesterday at lunch.

I was so worked up,
I could only eat

two burgers and
a basket of wings.

That sucks.

That's all you have to say?

Women are from Venus?

See, that's my point
right there.

If you and I were women
and I had this problem,

our brains would've
already fused together

into one big,
mega woman brain

and I would have
10 great reasons

why I don't have to go to
this thing on Saturday.

Okay, okay. How about
you tell her this?

How about you tell her
that you heard
that sometimes

marriage counseling
causes more problems
than it solves, hmm?

Okay, that's good.
That's good.

Where did I hear it?

The New York Times.

I like it!
Hey, you know what?

Nicole is over
at my house right now.

What do you say you go
back over with me?

You could be my backup.

I don't know, man.
I got enough to fight
with my wife about as it is.

We just had a big one
at the movies when I
didn't butter her popcorn.

Apparently, that's
my passive-aggressive
way of calling her fat.

And I said, "Honey, if I
wanted to call you fat,
I'd just call you fat."

That did not help.

Okay, so because you can't
get a popcorn order right,

I have to go home alone
and fight two wives
like I'm a Mormon?

Come on.
Don't do this to me, man.

Come on.
Look, Joy has help.

I need someone on my side.

All right.
I'll be your corner man.

I'll be your Mickey
to your Rocky.

Great.
I don't want to be Mickey.

He's old.
I'll be Apollo Creed.

He has a cool name.
Okay. All right.

No, no, no. I don't
want to be Apollo Creed.

Man, he fought Rocky.
I don't want to fight you.

Oh, of course, he only
fought Rocky in the first
and the second one,

and then, you know,
in the third one,
Mickey dies,

and then he coaches him
when he fights Mr. T.

I want to be Mr. T!

Okay. Okay.

* Hey!

Hello, Joy, Nicole.
Hi.

Look who I ran into.

How y'all doing?

Eddie, what's going on?

Oh, nothing, really.

Just hanging out
with my friend,

the way you're hanging out
with your friend.

We both got friends.

That's right. People we can
talk to about our lives,

who can give us
new insights.

My friend nods, too.

Oh, my God.
Are you still on that?

Oh, I am on it,
I am all under it,
and I'm all around it.

Are you scared?

Not really.
You're not?

No.

Okay.

So, you really think that
he's going to help you

argue your way
out of the workshop?

Maybe. May not
need him at all.

Actually, I've been doing
a little reading on my own

about the marriage
counseling workshops,

and turns out that they may
cause more problems
than they solve.

That's not me talking,
that's The New Yorker.

New York Times.
New York Times.

When did you read
The New York Times?

On the bus.
What bus?

The downtown bus.
Downtown bus to where?

The New York Times.

That's it.
You got 'em, champ.
You got 'em. You got 'em.

Bob and weave.
Bob and weave.

I got you. I got you.

(INAUDIBLE)

See, that's how they roll.
See what they do there?

No, no, no. Don't even
worry about that.

Yeah. See that?
Mmm-hmm.

It's what they do.
Yeah.

Let me ask you
a question, Eddie.

Do you think
you're a good husband?

Hold it. Careful.

Smells like a trap.

Just answer the question.

Hmm.

(INAUDIBLE)

Pass.

You can't pass.

I can't? Then, yes.

Okay, so you
are so perfect,

there's no room
for improvement?

I see eight things
wrong with you right now.

Well, I'm just saying
I don't need some
hokey workshop

to keep my wife happy.

Are you saying you
refuse to give back

just a little bit
to your wife,

the woman who drained
your coccyx cyst

every day for three weeks

and still had the stomach
to make love to you?

Damn, that's nasty.

Maybe you should
go to that workshop.

Excuse us a second,
will you?

Whose side are you on?

Yours, but unless you have
something that's gonna top
coccyx cyst, you're dead.

What do you got?
I got nothing.

You know that these women
have this huge database

about stuff they can
use against us.

I don't have
a memory like that.

If I close my eyes
right now,

I couldn't even tell you
what clothes I was wearing.

You should just
give up, man.

Hey, the workshop's
only four Saturdays.

I'll tape the college
games for you.

No way. I'm not dying
on this hill.

I got to do something.

Unless you can come back
from her squeezing pus
out of your coccyx...

(WHINES)

Oh, sure.
Joy drained my cyst,

but I help my wife, too,
just like you help your wife

when you wouldn't put
butter on her popcorn

'cause you were concerned
about her weight.

What?

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

Oh, God.
She's speaking Korean.

Why did you do that, man?

I'm sorry, buddy,
but your wife is
a heat-seeking missile,

and I had to deploy you
as countermeasure.

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

Baby, I didn't call you fat.
I just forgot the butter!

Butter, butter!

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

I am out of here.

I... Baby,
but you can't go.
You're my ride home!

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

My tapes don't
speak that fast.

I don't even know
what she's saying!

Baby! Wait!

All right, well, listen.
Have a good time
at that workshop

and I'll tape
the games for you.

I cannot believe you
just threw your friend
under a bus like that.

Oh, come on. He'll be fine.
She wasn't even that mad.

Wow. You must really
be desperate not to
go to that workshop.

Come on. They're the ones
who need the workshop.

I mean, we're fine, Joy.

Why do we got
to sit in a circle
at the airport Ramada

with Tommy Timmy Templeton
telling us how to love?

You know what?
You're right.

Forget about it.

(CABINET DOOR BANGING)

I mean, yeah, sure,
we've got problems,

but I happen to think
that our worst problem

is this freaking
refrigerator.

(BANGING)

All right. All right.
All right.

Does my lady want
a new refrigerator?

Then that's what
my lady gets.

Are you serious?

Absolutely.

You're the best.

But I got to be honest.

I am going to miss
that stabbing.

Give it a few more whacks
for your daddy. Go ahead.

That's it. Go on.

That's it. Mmm.

Yeah, baby. Yes!

Yes, baby. Yes. Oh!

Hey, Eddie, I know
you feel bad about
the new fridge, man,

but I got to tell you,
she's a beauty.

Sleek. Built to last.

Big, old bottom bin,
just like I like them.

Look, it's just
an appliance.

Take it down a notch.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

What's up, Crockett?
Tubbs?

You know, I just took
this yoga class

with Steph and
her friend Mandy.

I had my head further
between my legs

than I ever thought possible.

Wow.

So, you're hanging
with her fight friend?

Come on, man.
You can't consort
with the enemy.

Oh, no, I had it all
wrong about Mandy.

She actually told Steph
to give me her grammy's
birthday money as a thank-you

for how hard I work.

Really?
Mmm-hmm.

Please tell me you
invested some of it
in a bronzing cream.

(LAUGHS) No.

It was such a nice gesture,

I actually took the money
and bought Steph
a day of beauty.

Oh, my God. Don't you see
what's happening here?

She played you.
Steph let you win.

She knew that
you would feel bad
and get all mushy

and then do something
nice for her.

It's a classic
bait-and-switch.

Oh, you mean, like,
if I wanted a new fridge,

but I pretended
to want to go to
a marriage workshop

'cause I knew you'd say no
and feel bad and then let me buy one?

(GIGGLES)

That would be funny.

(LAUGHING)

That would be funny.

I never had a chance.