All language subtitles for Screw.The.Rules.Somebody.Call.The.Cops.2020.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

(groovy intro)

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

(suspenseful music)

(crowd cheering)

- What up motherfuckers?

(crowd cheering)

What up L.A.?

(crowd cheering)

Let me hear you say, "whoo whoo!"

- [Crowd] whoo whoo!

(crowd cheering)

- What the fuck?

Where that L.A. line,

where that cop tonight.

Y'all know this my shit right here.

I'm about to do the whip.

This ain't no comedy show, nigga.

I'm bout to bust the whip, right now.

One, one, two, three, wah !

This my shit.

Shout out to everybody
in this motherfucker.

(crowd cheering)

We 'bout to get it cracking tonight.

Give it up for yourselves for coming out.

(crowd cheering)

Give it up for yourselves for coming out.

It's been a long time coming.

There's a lot of people
said I couldn't do it.

Look around, bitch.

(crowd cheering)

(laughs)

We 'bout to turn up now.

Shit, all these cameras
cost a lot of money.

We had eight people earlier.

I was like, "Well, better take
some of them cameras back."

(crowd cheering)

Paying no cameras.

Shout out to everybody that live in L.A..

If you from L.A., let me
hear you say, "whoo whoo!"

- [Crowd] whoo whoo!

- So y'all know what it is.

We in a land of role playing.

(laughing)

Everybody like to role play out here.

'Cause you ain't got shit, you
act like you got everything.

Your motherfucking phone
'bout to get cut off tonight,

'cause you came here.

Your license off, you done
bought some extra candy

from the 99 cent store.

That's what you,

you can get away with this
kind of stuff in L.A..

I ain't getting my life
together, bitch, turn up.

(laughing)
(crowd cheering)

Life?

Turn up, bitch.

I'ma get my life together, this weekend.

Labor day weekend, that's a lot of bills

gon be overdue Tuesday.

(laughing)

You gon be knocking shit over,
walking into their house.

You got a nice place, bitch.

What was that?

Fucking footstool.

Why is it in the living room?

And I hate when people role play out here

because it throw me off.

I only role play when I'm
dealing with somebody, you know?

I had somebody role play
with me on BET weekend.

Bitch hit me up, talking
about, "Nigga, turn up."

I was like , "Bitch, turn up."

(laughing)

She like, "You gonna
fly a bitch out there."

And I'm like, "Fly you where?"

Talking about, "Fly me in LAX.

We doing it big."

I'm like, " Bitch, you live in Hawthorne."

(crowd laughing)

That's a unnecessary flight.

I'm not flying you nowhere.

You live up the street from me.

I thinking, she role playing.

She dead serious, talking about,
"Me and my bitches coming."

I was like, "Well, meet me there.

Get in the Uber."

(crowd laughing)

Let me tell you something, people.

When you fly into Los
Angeles, you flying to LAX.

And then she talking
about, "Get us a hotel."

And I'm like, "I'm not
getting no whole hotel room.

And you think I'm about to
stay with you all night?

Bitch, I'm married."

(laughing)

"You got three niggas that like you,

two of em stalking you,
your baby daddy mad,

all this old shit.

You can't answer your phone.

I can't answer my phone.

We scared in the room
(laughing)

and I just spent $269, you fuck that."

(crowd cheering)

I'm not spitting that kind of money

knowing I'ma get in trouble.

I'ma die.

(laughing)

I can't swipe my credit card at no hotel.

My wife do all the bills.

She talking about, "Well,
where this $269 come from?"

I was like, "Shit, I was filming a movie."

Get you ass out of here, you
ain't filming no fucking movie.

And you had to pay for your own room?

What kinda movie was this?

(laughing)

Let me tell you something, lady.

When you flying to LAX,
you don't get no hotel.

If you staying local, you get a motel.

Tourists, when they fly in.

When you flying in from
Houston, shout out to Houston.

When they fly into LAX,
(crowd cheering)

they get a hotel.

They stay at the Hyatt and the Holiday Inn

and all that big shit out there.

Not me and you, bitch.

You live up the street from me.

I meet you on 104th in Broadway.

(crowd cheering)

Shout out to everybody know
about that Hi Lite Motel.

If you know about the Hi Lite Motel,

let me hear you say, "whoo whoo!"

- [Crowd] whoo whoo!

You can get a room there
for $6.50 for two hours.

And stand in line with a whole
bunch of other gang bangers

and nobody will bother you,

'cause everybody tryin' to fuck.

(crowd chatter)

I get up to the window, I be like,

"Give me four hours, please.

60, that's a great
deal, give me two extra.

Bro, you need, I'll pay for his room too.

The guy behind me.

He's real nice."

(laughing)

Some of y'all was a little
bougier than others.

So you took your women to the Snooty Fox,

over there on Western
Ave off King Boulevard.

If y'all know where the Snooty Fox is,

Let me hear you say, "whoo whoo!"

- [Crowd] whoo whoo!

- At Snooty Fox you gon
get a room over there

for three hours for $25.

What?

Some of y'all grew up way West.

So you don't know what I'm
talking about right now.

So you took your women up
there on Stocker and La Brea,

to the Summit Motel.
(crowd cheering)

If you know about the Summit,

let me hear you say, "whoo whoo!"

- [Crowd] whoo whoo!

- I remember the Summit Motel.

They had a view in the room.

I took a ratchet in there.

This bitch gon jump
over the twin size bed,

run to the bathroom, jumped in the tub

and opened that little bit,

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about,

"You know how to treat a
bitch, that's what's up.

I see the view of the airport.

Oh, I'm about to give you some pussy."

I'm like, "Get your
ass off the fucking tub

before you fall.

(crowd laughing)

Slip and fall and burst
your ass in that tub.

Bitch, I got two warnings.

I'm going to jail."

(crowd laughing)

Y'all gotta be careful out here.

Men, y'all gotta be careful.

A lot of y'all,

a lot of y'all niggas is alcoholics

'cause you're depressed.

You can't drink every motherfucking day,

talking about, "Everything good."

No, it's not.

Talk to me.

I can help you.

(crowd laughing)

There's no reason, you people
turn up every fucking day?

And that's why you end up in the bed

with a tranny and you mad.

(crowd cheering)

You wanna kill the tranny,

but you had a whole fifth of vodka.

Like you don't know who nobody is

when they get to the room with you.

I know what trannies look like.

Bitch, if you my height,
I'm not fucking with you.

I'm just saying.
(crowd laughing)

Let's just eliminate all the bullshit.

Some of y'all wanna date
a woman your height.

That's how you gauge the shit.

If you date a woman, I'm 6'2", bitch.

If you 6'2", I'm cool.

(crowd laughing)

I ain't gon take no chance,

you might be a beautiful
basketball player.

I don't know, but I'm not taking a chance.

Listen, we're playing dominoes

and my slap is the same as your slap,

I'm not fucking with you, bitch.

Your hands are the same size as mine.

(crowd cheering)

I be like, "Give me 25."

She like, "Give me 30."

(crowd laughing)

I quit, bitch.

You won, you won.

I thought this was a fair
game with a man and a woman.

I see it ain't.

Some of y'all don't even
know what a tranny look like.

You know, if you ask a woman,

when you dating them, ask them questions.

A lot of you men don't ask no quest,

'cause you see some ass,
you lose your damn mind.

I ask questions like, "what did you do

when you were younger?"

You know, 'cause you always wanna ask

about people's childhoods.

She'll be like, "Oh, I used
to play Chase on the roof."

That's a sign of being a boy, bitch.

'Cause I don't know
(crowd laughing)

no girl that played Chase on the roof.

They were playing Double
Dutch on the ground.

They kept their feet on the ground.

Well, what games you played
in elementary school?

I just played on the monkey bar

Bitch, on monkey bars?

I'm not fucking with you.

I want a girl that used to
double dutch with footies on.

She had a footy with the pink ball on.

She had a doll, with all her hair,

had different changes of clothes

and she only hung with other girls.

She wouldn't have, if you were a tomboy,

"I was not fucking with you, bitch.

'Cause I'm like, "She gon
trick somebody later."

When a woman say, "I used to be a tomboy."

Strike.

(crowd laughing)

You weren't, you didn't
used to be a tomboy, bitch.

You used to be a boy, just say it.

(crowd laughing)

Anytime you go over a woman
house and she ain't in the house

and she slide up from under the car,

stop dating her ass.

She be changing the transmissions,

talking about, "Well, I
ain't got no man around."

Bitch, you a man.

That's why.
(crowd laughing)

"Well, I gotta do it by myself."

No, the fuck you don't.

You can go to Midas.

(crowd laughing)

You trynna prove a point.

A lot of you women are all
trynna prove a fucking point.

You prove a point and talk
yourself out of some good dick,

because you might have a dick.

I don't know.

(crowd cheering)

You gon be dropping no transmissions

and wanna talk about,
"Take a selfie with me."

Nah-uh, bitch, mm-mm.

I'm not getting in that picture.

Some of you women, y'all
want too much from a man.

Some of y'all, you know,
some of you educated women,

y'all get on my fucking nerves.

Ladies, if you have an
education, your own job,

your own car and can't no
man tell you what to do,

let me hear you say, "whoa whoa!"

- [Crowd] Whoo whoo!

- Get the fuck out of here.

Fuck you and your cap and gown.

(crowd laughing)

Oh, independent ass.

Bitch you independent and
lonely, every holiday.

Fuck you.

Gon have a woman asked
me a educated question.

I don't have an education.

So I don't know how to
answer educated questions.

I don't understand.

Can y'all shut the fuck up?

(crowd shouting)

Even you in the front?

You know you, you need
a whole lot of light for

while you're running
your motherfucking mouth.

(crowd shouts)

Stop.

Last warning.

I got 30 minutes on anybody.

How y'all feel?

(crowd cheering)

Shit.

But anyway (laughs),

I don't like dating educated women.

Some of you fellas, y'all
be dating educated women

and you niggas is dumb as rocks.

I don't get it.

Knock it off, fellas.

That ain't, that's above your pay grade.

Let her go.

Date another bitch that's dumb like you.

Y'all good together.

Let me tell you it works.

Build the foundation with somebody.

You can't build a foundation with somebody

and she's smart, you dumb.

I had a woman asked me a question

and I felt dumb when
she asked the question.

I couldn't even answer
it because I was shocked.

Like, "Why she asked me that shit?"

She gon ask me, "Where you
see yourself in five years?"

I was like, "Bitch, wait a minute.

I just bought a lobster dinner for you.

Wait a minute."

I started counting and shit.

Wait, five, five years,
where you see me in five?

I was like, "Ah, bitch, living with you.

What the fuck?"

(crowd laughing)

Fuck you think this is?

You think we just be going together?

This ain't no game, I'm almost
about to die, because I'm 47.

It's almost over.

Like, I'm in the third quarter of my life.

I ain't about to be recreational dating.

Some of y'all be recreational dating.

I ain't fucking with that.

Some of you women, you know, you mad

because you work with me at Macy's.

You got a degree, I don't.

You mad.

You want to fold the
shirts with the attitude.

You ever seen this broad at Macy's.

(crowd laughing)

And I'll be on the
other side of the table,

"Why are you doing all
that shaking, bitch?"

(crowd laughing)

We here all day, we here
till five o'clock, bitch.

Pace yourself.
(crowd laughing)

We gotta get the mediums over there,

we gotta get the largest right here,

we gotta get the extra largest right here.

Can't have no attitude
when somebody walk up,

'cause I'm gonna tell, bitch.

I'ma snitch.

I had your job and my job.

Shout out to the women
that go to school online.

Anybody here go to school online?

If you go to school online,

let me hear you say, "whoa, whoa"

- [Crowd] Whoo whoo!

All right, thank you for being truthful.

I like her.

Ain't nobody fucking with
you and that degree though.

Got that online degree.

Fuck that.

I had a home girl.

I had a home girl, don't worry.

I had a home girl,

she went to school online

and I didn't know she
went to school online

'cause we always went to happy hour.

(crowd laughing)

One day she gon tell me,
"I got to go to class."

I'm like, "Class?

Whatchu got?

AA meetings or something?"

(crowd laughing)

Like that's the only school
I think she can go to.

She ain't that fucking bright.

She talking 'bout, "Nah,
I go to school online."

I was like, "For real?

What you go to?

Fire Stick University or something?

(crowd laughing)

You go to Amazon College?"

Talking about, "Nah, I go
to University of Phoenix."

I was like, "Oh, well why
you didn't go to Phoenix?

(crowd laughing)

That's dumb."

Talking about, "Nah, you know,
I can do it at my own time.

And I'm almost done.

You gon come to my graduation."

I was like, "No, I'm not
driving all the way out there.

And you shouldn't neither.

The fuck you gon drive
all the way out there for

and you don't know the students,

you don't know the teachers,

you don't know the dean?"

I said, "Bitch, if you
go to school online,

you should graduate online."

(crowd laughing)

Can you imagine somebody
graduating online?

They put their cap and gown on and shit

and sit in front of their laptop.

(crowd laughing)

(crowd chatter)

To walk across the stage, drag your mouse.

♪ Tararararaaan, tararararaan ♪

♪ Tararararaaaran ♪

To receive diploma, right click.

Get your ass of here.

Bitch, ain't no real school(laughs).

It is not a real school.

And I ain't mad at you bitch,

but I got a PPO, I can go
to any doctor I want to.

I gotta ask questions

'cause a lot of people
don't know about them,

what do they call it, Internal Medicine?

And they go, "Whoa, wait,
where's at degree nigga?

I don't see nothing on the
wall, but baby pictures.

Mm-mm, I need to see some degrees, nigga

Wait, you ain't got
nothing with your license,

you ain't won no awards for
the hospital or nothing?"

Don't let that person operate on you.

They ain't got no awards already.

Going to a clinic, nigga.

He just got some shit for,
from the Compton parade, no.

(crowd laughing)

(laughs)The Compton parade
recognized this doctor,

Dr. Jenkins,
(crowd laughing)

for doing all these illegal
OB-GYN practices (laughs).

It's funny that I'm
standing here right now,

because shit, 2010,
that nigga was homeless.

Give it up for me.

I ain't homeless no more.
(crowd cheering)

I was straight homeless, like
I ain't had nowhere to go,

but I wasn't like homeless, homeless.

Like I wasn't like, bout to
sleep on the curb, nowhere.

Like I wasn't that low, 'cause
I didn't burn no bridges.

Now this nigga talking,

with a pink ass dolphin on his shirt.

You need to sit your
ass in the back, nigga.

You probably a girl
with hair on your face.

(crowd cheering)

I don't give a fuck what you paid for,

you need to pay to get them
teeth closed up, nigga.

I'ma get this whole row.

Yeah, you care.

You can't even close your mouth, nigga,

Zzz.
(crowd laughing)

When your girl tongue kiss
you, she just turns sideways,

get right through that gap.

(crowd laughing)

Probably be mad, "I don't want to kiss.

I don't want to kiss."

She be like, "Shut up,
you ain't got no choice."

(crowd laughing)

And I lead church.

I'm homeless, but I'm
still giving up money.

I had my, I did gave the
church, my move in fee.

So it's funny, one day I went to church.

'Cause, you know, I get
my $200, $300 a month,

I was doing that.

You walk in, you see they thinking,

they give you the envelope.

And this particular day,

I weren't supposed to grab the envelope,

but I'm just so mesmerized by the envelope

and putting stuff in it, I grab one.

I should have kept walking.

So, I got in there,

I got into church and I'm looking around

'cause you know, people
in church nosy as fuck.

They more nosy than people on the street.

So I'm, you know, not benediction,

it was offering time.

Offering time came,

I opened up my envelope

and I didn't have $200 this day.

I only had five.

I put the five in the
envelope, sealed it up,

wrote 200 on the envelope.

(crowd laughing)

This between me and the Lord.

This ain't got nothing to do with man.

Figured by the time they
get it, I'll be gone.

(crowd chattering)

So, the little offering bucket came,

I dropped it in there, bow!

Got my blessing, passed it down.

Benediction came.

I love benediction 'cause I
go through shit every week.

So I'm skipping to the
front to benediction,

two ushers grab me.

(crowd laughing)

Two big ass ushers, grab me on each side,

carry me all the way to the lawn.

I'm like, "Man, this better be good.

Better be better than the Lord.

I know the Lord calling me right now.

Y'all better let me know what's popping

'cause I beats ushers up on Sunday.

Don't get it twisted."

So they gon hang me up, talking about,

"Sir, there's something
wrong with your envelope."

I was like, "Well, what's
wrong with my envelope?"

They said, "Well, you
wrote $200 on the envelope,

but there's only five in the envelope."

I said, "Well, one of y'all owe me $195.

(crowd cheering)

You let me go."

And I went right back into benediction.

So I got kicked out of church, it's cool.

So now I'm doing to church from my Camry.

From my 94 Camry, I'm doing church.

You know, a lot of times
when you doing bad,

you trynna find scripture in the Bible.

Now I don't know the
Bible, like most of y'all.

Y'all probably really know the Bible.

I don't know the Bible like that,

but I try.

So I'm just flipping through the pages,

'cause you know, I'm looking for a job,

can't find a job, I'm
trynna work at McDonald's,

they say, "My nigga, you
like to steal meat, we good."

(crowd laughing)

So, as I'm looking for a job,

I'm flipping through
the Bible and see jobs,

all in the Bible.

(crowd laughing)

I was like, "Damn, I should
have looked here first."

It was pages and pages of jobs.

(crowd cheering)

I'm like, "Ah!"
(crowd chattering)

I start reading it,

'cause I'm thinking it's gon tell me

about filling out an
application or something.

And I'm reading, I'm like,
"Ooh, I don't want this job."

(crowd laughing)

Uh, God talking to him right
now, and he's still claiming,

and I'm like, "Ooh, I ain't
ready for this position.

Just, you know, I'll
work my way up" (laughs).

(crowd murmuring)

Ain't nothing wrong with
big women in this city.

Y'all look good, y'all trynna
lose weight every year.

Every year, you tryin' to
get ready for the summer.

What summer are y'all talking about?

This one's almost over.

(crowd laughing)

I get ready for the summer.

You mean, next year, not this one.

You off to a very bad start,

'cause you got one weekend left.

I'll be saying, "Let me
see your pull that off."

(crowd laughing)

Right, ain't gon happen.

Some of y'all talking about,

you trying to get in your prom dress.

"I'ma get in my prom dress."

You had that prom dress in the 12th grade,

your ass in the 53rd grade now.

(crowd laughing)

Donate that dress,
'cause you can't wear it.

(crowd laughing)

Give it to somebody who need it.

Y'all be tripping me out,

acting like you big.

You ain't big.

You just self conscious about it.

You know, 'cause you had
these fucked up relationships

and your ex-dude, this
nigga that had no car,

he had to drive your car all
the time, called you fat.

And that messed you up.

'Cause to us in public, you look good.

All y'all.

Give it up for yourselves,

(crowd cheering)

for being a middle-aged thick woman.

You look good as shit.

And you can get whatever man you want,

you just gotta know or
think that you can get it.

Y'all ladies be trying to
get a trainer and shit.

If you don't knock it off,

if it's a trainer in here, fuck you.

(crowd laughing)

Them trainers, these niggas
just be fucking everybody girl.

(crowd laughing)

They came out with the gray sweats.

I bet you, they came out
with the gray sweats shit.

Just, having you meet them at
eight o'clock in the morning.

You up here taking vacation
days, to go work out.

You ain't going to lose it
'cause you know your mama fat,

your grandma fat, you great
great grandma was fat.

Your ass gon' be fat.

You go get you some chili
cheese fries with pastrami

and stopped playing
with people's emotions.

(crowd laughing)

You ain't gon' lose that weight.

Some of y'all work out for
approximately six days,

then when Taco Tuesday come,
you bitches lose your mind.

Announcing it, "Taco
Tuesday," all on Facebook.

I get on Facebook and be like,
"Well, what about your diet?"

"I'ma eat chicken taco."

Bitch, what about the shale?

(crowd laughing)

You forgot sour cream.

"Don't worry about me, you hating."

Nah, I'm not hating.

I'm just letting you know,

you big and you ain't gotta be.

Some of y'all it's in your
family, it's in your genes.

It's okay, live your fucking life.

And some of your friends are haters.

They telling you to lose weight

and you don't have to lose weight.

'Cause they ass lost 20 pounds,

and they think they the shit.

That bitch still delaying on her bills.

Still borrowing money,

from your thick ass.
(crowd laughing)

'Cause thick women always
got money, don't they?

I ain't never seen a broke thick woman.

Never, in my life.

(crowd laughing)

They always got money.

(crowd chatter)

You go to the bar as a grown
man, thick women walk up,

"Whatchu drinking baby?"

You like, "What?"

(crowd laughing)

Why you think the big women winning?

'Cause they ain't scared
to spend their money.

These motherfucking, these
little prissy bitches

walking around this motherfucker,

"I get treated all the time."

You get to her house,

this bitch ain't even got a coffee table.

(crowd laughing)

She got one beanbag, they
ain't got no real furniture.

(crowd laughing)

You pretty busy got a
beanbag in your house.

Don't fuck with these women (giggles).

(crowd murmuring)

People dying left and right.

I scroll down my Facebook page

and I be scared 'cause I'm like,

"Shit, everybody passing away, man."

"You hear what happened to Kevin?"

I'm like, "No, what happened?"

And then everybody, " Oh,
I give you my condolences.

I'm praying for the family."

I'm like, "What the fuck happened?

(crowd laughing)

Nobody ever say what happened."

"Pray for Dante."

What did Dante do?

Dante probably be getting
chased by the police,

'cause he robbed the bank.

You want us to pray that
the nigga get away, uh-uh.

(crowd laughing)

Pray for him.

Pray for everybody.

Why?

Why did Kevin pass away?

Oh, Kevin had a heart attack.

I'm like, "Fuck!"

In my place, you know,
I know a lot of people

that's my age or older.

So, when I'm scrolling down,
it's like more and more death.

And every time I scroll down,

I start to exercise on my Facebook page.

I be scrolling down like, "Oh shit.

This nigga dead too?"

(crowd laughing)

I'm doing crunches, right now (giggles).

I started eating asparagus.

That shit nasty as fuck.

They say asparagus is good for you,

but not if you already got cancer.

(crowd laughing)

Shit, you gotta be careful.

Everybody take Facebook too seriously.

Y'all put too much stuff on Facebook.

Y'all be in the hospital on Facebook live.

If you don't knock it the fuck off.

You got tubes out of your nose and shit.

I have one of my Facebook friends,

had an open heart surgery,
just there on Facebook live.

"Yeah, that's a nigga heart.

(crowd laughing)

Look at it pump, ooh, shit.

I hope they can fix it."

Fuck you on Facebook live for?

You 'posed to be getting
better, taking pictures.

I had somebody take a picture

they acting like they was
dead already (laughs).

This nigga in the hospital, in
the bed with his eyes closed.

And I'm like, "Damn,
may he rest in peace."

He text back tomorrow, "Nah, I ain't dead.

I just had my eyes closed."

(crowd laughing)

Don't be playing with me like that?

I'm like, "Somebody going to hell,

putting this picture up of this dead man.

May he rest in peace."

"No, dog, I'm just saying, you know,

I'm a nigga trying to get his likes up."

Oh, knock it off.

I'm about to be 48, Saturday.

Give it up for me.

(crowd cheering)

I made it.

It's hard getting to 48.

Shout out to my 60s and my 70s babies.

Where are you at?

Let me you say "Whoa whoa!"

(crowd cheering)

We made it, shit.

And I'm scared of the police again.

I was scared of 'em when I was younger,

then I had little hiatus,
now I'm scared again.

It's bullshit.

And I be telling people like
now it's at this age, I'm 47.

Like a lot of y'all don't
take your body seriously.

When you get signs, you 'posed
to acknowledge the signs.

You know like, when you
gotta booboo, go booboo.

(crowd laughing)

Why you holding it?

"I'm trying to watch the next quarter."

Fuck around that booboo
slide right out your ass.

It happened to me.

It happened to me.

And I'm childish as shit.

I wanna keep eating.

My body said, "Ooh, time to go."

I was like, "Nah, I got it."

See, we don't have that
little rubber band no more

like we used to have.

Yeah, the little nice
tight little rubber band.

Like, you can hold a booboo all day.

Fuck around and laugh too hard one day,

shit was funny, " Ah, ah, shit!

I gotta go, y'all, I'll be back.

I'll hola at y'all niggas.

I booboo one time in a grocery store.

And I knew it was coming too.

All I had to do was go right there

to the restroom in the grocery store,

but I was being, I was in a rush.

And I felt the ground thunder in my chest.

I felt it.

Like it was big, like, it was serious.

And I didn't go to the
bathroom and now, you know,

I said, "Let me go get me one more thing

and then I'ma check out."

And I was reaching for
that one more thing.

Now you know how black
people, we pass gas,

We try to kick a leg out.

Ts, you know.

(crowd laughing)

We do that, we slick.

Black people, we creative.

That's why white people hate us.

Coz we just make up stuff, it's just.

"My nigga when you pass gas, nigga,

just let your leg out,
it won't make no noise."

"Really?

Ts, oh okay.

Okay."

This day I had to booboo,
tried to kick my leg out,

thought it was gas.

'Cause let me tell you something,

you get this age, it ain't gas ever.

Just say that.
(crowd laughing)

Say that with me one time, all right?

On the count of three, we
gonna say, "It ain't gas ever."

One, two, three.

It ain't gas, ever
- it ain't gas, ever.

(crowd laughing)

Let that be a lesson to you.

Fucking around and reached
us some salad dressing

and reached up too far, and
I couldn't clench my ass,

(crowd laughing)

And I thought it was gas,
so I kicked my leg out,

like, "Ts, and it didn't stop (hisses).

I'm looking down, like, "
That's a, what the fuck?

That's a lot of booboo."

I mean, it's a trail of booboo

following me, I'm (hisses)

I'm like, "It's coming out fast too."

I'm like, "What the fuck did I eat?"

Like damn (hisses).

It's two ratchets behind me,

talking about, "Ew, nigga, really?

Really my nigga?"

There was so many so I hid in they hair.

"Nigga, you got us fucked up."

I was like, "Oh, bitch."

She was like, "Nigga you need
to go to aisle number 13.

Go get you some baby wipes,
go to to aisle number 12

and get you some toilet paper,

get the fuck out of our store."

I was like, "Y'all better
get your little ass

out of my fucking business."

I started flinging booboo on them.

(crowd cheering)

Fuck out of here.

Shout out to you women
that's in your mid-40s

that still don't know how to suck dick.

Where you at?

Right, boo their ass right up outta here.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

God don't like ugly.

(crowd laughing)

47 years old, don't know
how to suck dick, really?

When Jesus come back, he'll
walk right by your ass.

He's like, "I done taught you everything

and you still don't listen.
(crowd laughing)

Fuck out of here.
(clapping)

Some of y'all got a attitude
when you gotta suck dick.

Why you got a attitude?

You gon look at the dick, talking about,

"Why do I gotta do this
every time I come over?"

'Cause bitch, your car
keep getting repoed,

trying to get your car out of repo.

(crowd laughing)

Anytime you gotta park
your car on the busy street

and you live on a back street,

you hiding from the repo man.

Don't have me call him.

Don't play with me.

(crowd laughing)

Some of y'all don't even
know how to hold a dick.

You suck a dick too long,
your jaws start hurting.

"My face hurts."

'Cause you ain't doing it right?

(crowd laughing)

You don't know what the fuck you doing.

You ain't gotta suck
the dick the whole time.

Hand placement is everything, ladies.

Y'all wanna hold dick
down here at the bottom.

All this dick up here, at the top, cold,

about to catch the flu.

(crowd laughing)

Wondering why I'm sick all of of a sudden.

Top of my dick froze.

Anytime he jump, you jump.

Fuck you keep jumping for?

You throwing me off.

You want to keep looking at the dick,

"What's that keep coming out the tip?"

"What's that?

What's that?

What's that?

What's that?

What's that?

What's that?

What's that?

Ew, what's that?

Why it keep coming out?

I'ma stop."

(crowd laughing)

Get the fuck out of my house.

You gon keep wiping it off.

That's juice, taste it, it tastes great.

I've been drinking pineapple
juice for two and a half weeks,

waiting for you to fly into town

so you can taste some good pineapply dick.

(crowd laughing)

Fellas if you feel me, let me
hear you say, "whoa, whoa!"

- [Crowd] Whoa, whoa!

- I don't play no games with that.

(microphone thuds)

Raise your fucking hand up.

Put your hand up there on the tip.

Where all feeling is at,
that's where all the fun at.

You want to go past Red Lobster?

Do this.

'Cause Red Lobster ain't
shit, let me tell you.

This Red Lobster,

(crowd laughing)

or All You Can Eat Shrimp.

Put your hand up here at the tip.

You hear that shit ladies?

(microphone muffles)

You hear that?

It's gon sound just like that.

(crowd laughing)

That's when you know
you in the right spot.

You look up at him when
you hitting that tip

and if he jumping like this, "Oh shit!"

(crowd laughing)

(microphone muffles)

Stop, give me a second.

Give me a second.

You're gonna make me nut quick.

She cut her dick-sucking
time in half, just like that.

And then some women better than others.

Some of y'all do that swirl.

Some of y'all better in that, one.

When, y'all do that two hand twist, yeah.

Yeah, this don't apply to me.

My dick too little.

So it's like two fingers.

(crowd laughing)

You got that crescent wrench look.

(crowd laughing)

You got a woman that you
don't ever wanna take

to your mama house, 'cause
this bitch is dangerous.

Fellas if you with a woman

and her phone continuously ring, vibrate,

you look at her Facebook and she got like

277 notifications, 900 inboxes.

She know how to suck dick very well.

(crowd laughing)

Don't fuck with her,

'cause she'll come in the
house and look up at you,

she'll drop to her knees and be like,

"Nigga, I'ma change your soul."

You'll be like, "Bitch,
(crowd laughing)

I ain't never heard that before."

She drop to her knees
and she go right to work,

she get that tip.

(microphone muffles)

Do the swirl, do the two hand twisting,

Then she do the ultimate (spitting)

(microphone thuds)

(crowd cheering)

Let me tell you something, bitch.

I love you so much

and I don't even know
(crowd laughing)

you little ass name (laughs).

But it's funny because a lot of you dudes,

y'all don't eat coochie right.

I ain't letting y'all off the hook.

I heard about you nibbling ass niggas.

(crowd laughing)

She sucked your dick for 30 minutes,

you wanna lick her shit twice.

No, no, no, no.

You doing it all wrong, brother.

A woman deserves 100%.

If she only gets 75, I'm the other 25.

Ladies, if you like for a
man to go downtown on you

and do it right, let me
hear you say, "Whoa, whoa!"

And I love to do it too,

I put a monkey bite on your colon.

(crowd laughing)

I go all the way up in there.

I be like, "Bitch, you
'bout to have a baby.

You don't need no ultrasound,

there's a baby floating in there."

I eat coochie.

That's how I got my wife.

I eat her good, 'cause
I don't look that good.

I'm not a pretty boy.

I'm not pretty boy.

So, you got the gold teeth, bald hair.

You know, you ain't
even gotta eat coochie.

Where my light skin men at?

Hey, you probably don't even eat coochie.

He ain't got to look like light skin,

"I ain't gonna got there
and fuck up my gold teeth.

For what?

(crowd laughing)

I'm a motherfucking pimp."

Not me, I'm dark skin, nigga.

Some man out here nasty,
we don't give a fuck.

Oh, I'm nasty, "I done ate
some bumpy coochie before."

I just put my hand over the bumps

and licked under them (laughs).

(crowd laughing)

I was like a Knight Rider light (laughs).

I ain't about to turn
down this opportunity,

she may not ever talk to me again.

Oh shit.

Me getting old, but I
still hold on to the past.

How many of y'all hold on to the past?

Round of applause.

How many of y'all hold on to the past?

You hold on onto the past?

Just to have fun, we're
talking about having-fun-wise.

You always remember back in the day,

the things you used to do
and you still try to do 'em.

Give it up if y'all still
hold on to the past?

(crowd cheering)

You still like to have fun.

When you go to the club
and you hear your song,

you lose your mother fucking
mind, like, shit like that.

How many of y'all remember
we used to go to them

lunch school dances back in the day?

Let me hear you say, "whoa, whoa!"

- [Crowd] Whoa, whoa!

I remember them lunch school dances.

That shit was serious, back in the day.

Remember we used to
practice the night before?

You did your one little dance

in the medicine cabinet mirror.

When you got to the lunch school dance,

you just stood there
until your song came on,

You like, "I ain't dancing,
till I hear my song."

But then when you heard these horns.

(suspenseful tune)

And you came out there
and start doing the Freak,

(groovy music)

(crowd cheering)

It be you and two of your homeboys,

y'all was cool as hell.

And there was three
women on the other side,

everybody sweaty.

Didn't nobody care about
no one, no bottle service.

You looked at them and you
start turning, remember that?

(groovy music)

(crowd cheering)

Then you came back went side to side.

Remember two times, one, two, oh, shit!

Remember we used to pause it?

They used to bust that gate,

Right when your part come on,

(groovy music)

Cut it off, DJ.

They know nothing about that.

That was back in the day.

(crowd cheering)

That was back in the day when
your mama had a douche bag

hanging off the shower hook.

(crowd laughing)

How many y'all remember
your mama douche bag?

Let me hear you say, "whoa, whoa!"

- [Crowd] Whoa, whoa!

- I used to play with my mama douche bag,

'cause I thought it was a toy.

I couldn't wait till the
water got high enough

to make bubbles with my mama douche bag.

So as the water got about right here, now

(crowd laughing)

when I got tired of making
bubbles with my mama douche bag,

I started blowing in my mama douche bag.

And all this stuff came out
that plastic rubber thing.

I'm like, "Why my mama got
vinegar in the bathroom?"

(crowd laughing)

I grew up back in the day, we
used to sing nursery rhymes.

My favorite nursery rhyme was Yuck Mouth.

Y'all remember that Yuck Mouth song?

Y'all remember that shit.

You remember this?

♪ They called me Yuck Mouth ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't brush ♪

♪ And I like my teeth like this ♪

♪ They call me Yuck Mouth ♪

♪ No, I won't brush ♪

♪ How's about a little kiss (smooch) ♪

♪ I got roast beef in my teeth ♪

♪ Got some chicken too ♪

♪ Ouch, that's a cavity ♪

♪ Hey, that's new ♪

♪ So if you don't brush your teeth ♪

♪ Then guess you too ♪

♪ Can be a Yuck Mouth ♪

Don't be a Yuck Mouth.

(crowd cheering)

Those are 70s babies shit.

I grew up back in the day
when shit was different.

I grew up back in the day,

when your mama told you to do a chore,

it was a whole list under that one chore.

Y'all remember that?

Shout out to everybody got
teenage kids right now.

You got teenage kids, let me
hear you say, "Whoa, whoa!",

Go home and slap the fuck out of 'em

because they lazy.

And you know it.

You tell 'em to do something,
they half ass do it.

You tell 'em to wash the
dishes, what they do?

Just wash the dishes.

They don't dry 'em,
they don't put them up,

they wanna drive your car all weekend.

Get your ass out my house.

Back in the day, when your mama
told you to wash the dishes,

it was a whole agenda
under wash the dishes.

Y'all remember that agenda?

It was wash the dishes, dry
the dishes, put the dishes up,

sweep the floor, mop the flow
and take out the damn trash.

(crowd cheering)

And if you missed one of those
chores, she woke your ass up

at three o'clock in the morning
and make you do every chore,

all over again.

I'm a 70s baby.

Shit was different, back in the day.

You know, back in the day,
we used to roll the street

out here in L.A. called Crenshaw.

(crowd cheering)

I'ma let him finish.

(crowd laughing)

Whoever he is, he's
sitting far in the back.

We used to roll Crenshaw back in the day.

You remember every song was our song

and we used to get out the car and dance

if the light was red too long.

We be sitting on one street,

waiting for the light to turn green

and them horns come on, "Where the DJ at?"

Really?

This nigga gon get fired in the middle.

(crowd laughing)

He probably had to booboo.

Got that warning, he like nigga.

"Shit, I'll be right back."

(crowd laughing)

I got a little something for everybody.

I had wrote shit down.

Let me see something, goddammit!

I think I got one more to go (giggles).

Yeah, I remember back in the day

we used to be at the red light on Crenshaw

and everybody had rims.

I was happy because I had a
Nissan truck back in the day

that was equivalent to a
Range Rover back in the day.

(crowd laughing)

A Nissan truck.

My truck was approximately
$9,000, with taxes.

And I had sounds in the back,

you couldn't tell me nothing.

I used to be a security
guard back in the day.

So I was happy I had my
little Nissan trucker,

'cause everybody pulled on the side of me

'cause I had a lot of speakers in the back

and I used to play
everybody favorite song.

There was one song, everybody dance to it.

I'm talking about, when you
heard these horns right here.

(energetic music)

Then everybody in the
middle of the street,

throw they hands up.

I want everybody throw they hands up.

Remember when we used
to do a dance like this?

Remember that dance?

(groovy music)

One hand, remember that?

♪ Brush your teeth ♪

Then we get this,

(groovy music)

(crowd cheering)

Y'all don't know about that?

They do this dance right
now, they do this in church.

Remember this dance right here?

(groovy music)

Then when you was good, you
backed up and cleared the crowd

and did the guess

(groovy music)

When you was good, you broke it down.

(groovy music)

(crowd cheering)

Cut it off, DJ.

That was back in the day.

(crowd cheering)

See, I grew up back in the day

where it was so many
kids in the neighborhood,

you didn't know who was it.

So you made everybody put their foot in.

You remember that shit?

Put your foot in.

(crowd laughing)

Yeah, 15 dirty ass shoes in the circle.

Had the one little gay cousin,

that didn't wanna put his foot in

and play hide and go seek with us.

He wanted to play down
down baby with the girls.

Girls, y'all remember me Down Down Baby?

♪ Down, down, baby ♪

♪ Down, down ♪

♪ The roller coaster ♪

♪ Sweet, Sweet baby ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet ♪

♪ Don't let me go ♪

♪ Shimmy shimmy cocoa pop ♪

♪ Shimmy shimmy pow ♪

Remember that?

♪ Shimmy shimmy cocoa pop ♪

♪ Shimmy shimmy pow ♪

I can't hear you.

♪ I had a girlfriend ♪

♪ A biscuit. ♪

Oho!

(crowd cheering)

That was the shit.

Go ahead.

We got some over here,
we got some over here.

Give it up for 'em ,
loving their childhood.

(crowd cheering)

That's what we did back in the day.

When we convinced him to
put his shoe in the circle,

we had 16 dirty ass shoes in the circle.

We were all friends and
nobody cared what kind of shoe

you had on back in the day.

You had that one friend had
holes in the bottom of his shoe,

you gave him a piece of cardboard.

Folded it in half and gave it to him,

like, "Here, you my friend.

Put this in your shoe, I saw you."

Then we sang Engine Engine Number Nine,

Y'all remember that shit?

♪ Engine, engine, number nine ♪

♪ Going down Chicago line ♪

♪ If the train drop off the track ♪

♪ Do you want your money back ♪

Yes.

(crowd cheering)

Everybody said yes, back in the day.

Whoever said no, work for
the federal government today.

(crowd laughing)

Check your friends.

Remember how we finished it,

after we said yes?

♪ Y-E-S spells yes ♪

♪ And you are not ♪

I wanna play right now.

(crowd cheering)

It's my birthday, we gon do what I say do.

I'm a Virgo.
(crowd cheering)

We gonna play, I'm it, y'all run, go.

Go.

I said I was it,

(crowd laughing)

You know no nobody wanna be it.

I'm it, run.

So y'all think this is a game.

(crowd laughing)

When somebody arch they
leg back like this,

that pivot is a motherfucker.

Y'all remember this?

♪ There's a blue bird on my shoulder ♪

♪ Shall I kill it ♪

(crowd cheering)

You better go.

We have one fat kid on every block.

He couldn't run like we ran.

We made him run.

We didn't know this boy had
congestive heart failure.

(crowd laughing)

We made his ass run,

but, he what he do?

He ran back to base.

"I'm at base, I'm at base.

You didn't give me a chance to run.

I'm at base, you better go get somebody."

Let me tell you how we
grew up in the hood.

We were creative because
all we had was each other.

Shout out to everybody
that grew up in the hood.

If you grew up in the hood,

let me hear you say, "Whoa, whoa!"

- [Crowd] Whoo whoo!

So, you know, all we had was each other,

we didn't have no games to
play, we had no board games.

We didn't have no Sorry, we
didn't have no Candy Land,

we didn't have no Monopoly.

We had each other.

Every Saturday at 12 noon,
everybody met outside,

everybody cleaned their whole house,

everybody hand smelled like bleach

and we had each other.

We be like, "what we gon play next?"

And you just keep thinking until
you come up with something.

When we got tired of
playing hide and go seek

what we change the game to hide go get it.

This when I started going
to church, I'm sorry.

(crowd laughing)

I had to go thank the Lord myself.

Let me tell you something about
playing hide and go get it.

We weren't having sex, were we?

- [Crowd] Nope.

- We was just humping.

And making that humping sound.

Y'all remember that
humping sound (hisses),

(crowd laughing)

My name is Screw Roy Rice.

I gotta get outta here.

(crowd cheering)

God bless y'all

Thank you so much for supporting me, L.A.

I appreciate y'all so much.

Y'all better not make me cry.

(crowd cheering)

I love y'all.

(groovy outro)