All language subtitles for Married.with.children.S08E02.SAiNTS.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

Hi, Peggy.

We just came by to borrow
some lawn chairs.

Jefferson's taking me to the beach.

The beach, huh?

Gee, I can't remember the last time
Al took me to the beach.

Can't remember
the last time Al took me.

- Sure as hell wasn't at the beach.
- Oh, Peggy.

It's such a shame you didn't marry
into your own species.

Vertebrates love to go places
with their wives.

- Take Jefferson.
- Like you wouldn't want him back.

For example, I meant.

In the book that I got him,
The Woman Is Always Right...

...Jefferson has learned the ABC's
of any good marriage are--

Appreciation, balance
and consideration.

Well, you know, Al believes
in the ABC's of a good marriage too.

Only his are air conditioning, beer...

...and "Could you shut up so I can
enjoy my air conditioning and beer?"

Come on, Marcie,
your stuff's in the garage.

Al, how come you never take me
to the beach?

What's the point?
You'd just find your way back.

I really wish
you two were coming with us.

I hate seeing Al shirtless
as much as anyone...

...but there's no better way
to keep the flies off the food.

On the bright side,
there's no lifeguard...

...that would give her
mouth-to-beak resuscitation.

Hey, guess what happened to me today
at the shoe store.

A cop came in,
gave you a ticket for loitering?

So no friends at all
are enough for you now?

- I'm sorry, Al. Go ahead.
- Okay.

Jefferson, was there ever a girl
in your life...

...that you were so nuts about, so crazy
for, so unbelievably in love with...

...that you would do anything
she asked you?

Yes, Marcie.

Really?

Yep. Marcie McGuire,
my third grade teacher.

I remember she used to wear
this certain skirt...

...and sometimes if there was a lot
of static electricity in the air it would--

Jefferson, this is my story.

What would it do?

Cling to her bottom.

Anyway, there I was
in the shoe store...

...and guess who I heard from?

Mary Ellen Listfield.

My Marcie McGuire.

You should've seen her.

She was the most beautiful girl in
the neighborhood. I was so in love.

So...

...did you do her?

You're a toad,
you know that, Jefferson?

Why would I say I was in love with her
if I ever had sex with her?

Good point, Al. You're right.
So go ahead. What happened?

Well, she went off to college...

...but before she went I told her
if she ever needed anything to call.

- And today she did.
- So now you're gonna do her.

My doing days are over, Jefferson.

I'm done.

But get this.

She's back in the neighborhood
running her father's old soda shop.

Now, a few kids in the neighborhood
are giving her a bad time.

So I'm gonna go
straighten things out.

- What're you gonna tell Peggy?
- Same thing I've told her my whole life.

That what I do
is none of her damn business!

Al, Al, Al.

Have you ever read the book:

The Man Is Always Right?

No. Wife wouldn't let me.

Well, in the chapter titled,
"My God, Is She Still Here?"...

...it states that the longer
a couple has been married...

...the less likely a man
can hide anything from his wife.

There hasn't been a woman made yet
smart enough to read Al Bundy.

Hi, Peg.

What're you hiding?

- I was at the shoe store today when--
- When, when...

...when he realized
that he hasn't taken you...

...on that second honeymoon
that you've always dreamed of.

And now he is.

- Now I am?
- Oh, Al, you are?

- You really do care.
- But Peg, I don't. I swear that I don't.

I gotta go tell Marcie.

Okay, I know what you're thinking.

Then why aren't you
crossing your legs?

Look, Al, don't you get it?

Now she can't suspect anything.

All you do is you just go get
a hotel near the old neighborhood...

...and after you take care of business,
then you can go take care of business.

But that means
I have to sex with my wife.

Hey. Sometimes if you wanna win
the war you have to burn the village.

Al, this is so exciting.

Look at this room.

Look at this bed.

And it's even made.

Our second honeymoon.

Just you and me together
for the whole weekend.

Gee, Al, I wish
you could feel my heart.

I wish I could feel your throat.

But enough foreplay.

This is our honeymoon and I say we
shouldn't waste another minute of it.

Oh, baby.

Well, I haven't seen you like this
since Ginger week on Gilligan's Island.

So, what'd you have in mind?

First we get out of these clothes...

...and then start things off
with a good, long, hard nap.

- Nap?
- Yes, Peg. Just you and me.

- Or better yet, just you.
- But, Al, I wanted to fool around.

Oh, Peg, that'd be just like
our first honeymoon.

Well, not if we fool around together.

- Just a quickie, Al.
- Peg.

Please, just a quickie. I promise.
And then I'll go right to sleep.

Oh, all right.

But make it quick
because I'm not in the mood--

- Hey, buddy, can you help me out?
- No, sorry, I already gave at the wife.

I'm here to see Mary Ellen.

Oh, she's upstairs.

- Hey, aren't you Al Bundy?
- Himself.

- How'd you know?
- Everybody knows you, Mr. Bundy.

That's the thing about coming home,
they never forget you.

Say, little girl, you look familiar.

You wouldn't happen to be
Mary Ellen's daughter, by any chance?

Me? No. I'm Jackie, her niece.

Yes! I knew it.

My dream girl's still untouched.

All Aunt Mary's kids are grown.

Oh, well, what did you expect...

...the same little virgin
you used to walk to school?

So someone else touched her,
what difference does it make?

Damn slut.

- Hi, Al.
- Oh, Mary Ellen.

Well, you don't look like a slut at all.

Thanks, Al.

You're not exactly
a sack of road apples yourself.

Well, I try to keep in shape.

- It's been a long time, Al.
- Yeah, it sure has.

Hey, congratulations. Jackie tells me
you had some sex. I mean, some kids.

Yeah. Three, actually. How about you?

No sex. Two kids.
Three dollars. Not on me.

Oh, but listen. I gotta be honest.
I can't stay long.

The wife thinks I'm in the bathroom,
so I can only stay a couple of hours.

Hey, you wanna tell me about
those kids who've been hassling you?

Well, the main one's name is Ray Ray
and he's not a bad kid, actually.

In a lot of ways he reminds me
of the way you were.

I don't wanna get him in trouble,
Al, I just figured...

...with you guys
being so similar that--

Here he comes.

What, this little punk?

What's so similar about us?

Hey, give me a couple
of steak and egg sandwiches, huh?

In my day, when two people were
talking, a man would wait his turn.

Yeah, well, in your day
there only were two people.

Now give me a couple
of steak and egg sandwiches.

You never paid for the ones
you had last night.

That's why I said "Give me."

Do I know you, man?

Ever hear of Al Bundy?

Polk High. All City.

Four touchdowns in one game.

- No.
- Hey, wait a minute, Ray Ray.

It's that bad check guy.

Oh, yeah. Al Bundy.
Hey, what is up, Al?

I was king of these streets before
you were the gleam in the eyes...

...of a couple of strangers
at an Eagles concert.

And that lady you've been picking on
is a friend of mine.

So as the former king of the streets
to a pretender to the throne...

...we can handle this two ways:

Either in here like gentlemen...

...or out there like Ren and Stimpy.

The choice is up to you.

Begging your highnesses pardon,
but if I may suggest a third option.

Al, are you okay?

You've been in there
for almost two hours.

Do you need any...

...help?

Nope. I'm fine.

Just savoring the moment.

- Al, what happened?
- Cut myself shaving.

Hey, Peg...

...I was king of the streets once,
wasn't I?

Of course you were king
of the streets once, honey.

You and your boys. You remember.

Crazy Andy Goozick.

Pete "The Beat" Rombalo.

Tony "The Tongue" McCullough.

Wait a second, Peg.

I never knew anyone named
Tony the Tongue.

Well, I guess he must have been
one of my boys.

Yeah, my boys.

That's what I need. My boys.

Oh, no, you don't, Al.

- You can do this all by yourself.
- Do what, Peg?

Yo, Ray Ray.

Okay, punk.

- You okay, Skippy?
- Yeah, I'm all right.

Good.

What, do you got doughnuts
in that thing?

We walked from the car, okay?

As I was saying...

...now that the odds
are a little fairer...

...let's re-examine your options.

What, are we supposed to be scared?

Well, let me tell you something
about the king and his court.

Well, this certainly sucks.

But it's no time to panic.

If you're still the king
just say what a king would say.

Can't we all just get along?

Oh, please let her be asleep.

Oh, please. Oh, please. Oh, please.

Thank you.

Al.

Peg...

...can't we all just get along?

Well, well, well.

Kud. Belly.

What are you four doing here?

Daddy, we know what you've
been doing. It's all over town.

That I've been having sex
with my wife? No, I'm ruined.

Not that, eggplant.

We're talking about fighting
in the street with Ray Ray's boys.

Daddy, this is Chicago. 1990s.

This is not some gunfight
at the "Okey" Corral.

O.K.

Yeah, I'm all right,
I'm just a little pissed.

Now, kids,
I appreciate your concern...

...but I have given my word
to a very dear old friend.

And as soon as I can remember
her name and where she lives...

...I'm going back there.

Have I gone yet?

- No, Dad.
- Well, then give me a push.

Now help me up.

Yo, Ray.

What is it with you, Bundy?

You still not getting enough curb
in your diet?

I mean, we knock you around,
you come back.

Why? Why do you do it?

For the same reason
men climb mountains...

...or sail across the sea alone.

For the only reason that a rational man
would do an irrational thing like this.

Pride.

No. Women.

I'm a moron, Ray Ray.

We're all morons.
That's what comes from being a man.

From the first little worm
they dare us to eat...

...to the last big shovelful of snow
they convince us we can move.

We're nothing more to women...

...than an amusement park ride
with life insurance.

Why else would we do
the idiotic things that we do?

For example:

- You ski?
- No.

Well, you will someday if a girl
wants you to. We all will.

We'd hurdle down
that mountain so fast...

...that the crack of our bodies
hitting the tree...

...wouldn't even resonate before
we'd pounce up and say, "I'm okay."

They know we're not okay.

Even if they missed
that pair of squirrels...

...running away
with our hacky sacks...

...one glance at the color of the snow
would hint there might be some trauma.

We've all been to a weight room when
a girl walks by and said to ourselves:

"Gee, I think I'll start today's warm-up
bench press with oh, nine tons."

So you see, Ray Ray...

...as long as there's women...

...there'll be men around
doing stupid things to impress them.

That's why I'm here.

That's why you're here.

That's why they're here.

Now, someday you may evolve
beyond this...

...but it's too late for me.

I'm too old, too married
and lost far too many hacky sacks.

So...

...it's either I split
so you look cool in front of your girl.

Or you look cool in front of yours
and kill me.

Let's rock.

I owe you a lot of thanks.

If you were telling the truth
about the reason you did this...

...I guess I owe you an apology too.

What for? For being a woman?

Accepted.

Hey, Mary Ellen,
let me ask you something.

If I wasn't married...

...and I did what I did for you...

...would I get to nail you?

No.

Then it was all worth it.